Hi, welcome to the latest episode of Mistress Mia's
Tension. I'm your Hostess, Mistress Mia,
and I've got the Barbie. All right, we're just going to
jump right in, OK? Because we we have a tendency to
be very long winded with people. Tangents, rabbit holes long
winded if there's a topic we won't get to.
It assholes. Perhaps, you know, long, deep
assholes. Rants.
OK, so today we're going to talk about celebrities we would fuck
and we need to, we need to explain to people too, our
perception on how they would be in bed.
What would they like in bed? You know, that's what I always
think about. It's so crazy.
I will preface, I don't think about it.
I'm a very sexual person Barbie crushes so like.
When you're like, we're going to do a celebrity crush.
I was like, fuck, I gotta do some research.
I gotta try to remember what I like.
But you know, what's really funny is sometimes I'll like a
celebrity, but specifically in one piece of media and nothing
else. Yeah, yeah.
Definitely. But we're we're going to have
such a different group of people.
I feel, I feel like I'm not going to know just about anybody
you talk about and you're probably not going to know
anybody I talk. About Oh, you'll know people I
talk about, yeah. I think you overestimate me.
Did you know I didn't know who Michael Jackson was till after
he died? Oh my God.
What? In my defense, he died when I
was 8. Oh fuck, he's been that long.
Damn I. Think it was what, 2008?
Jesus, I had no idea. I think I probably had heard his
music, but I just, I never even knew like who Michael Jackson
was. Oh my God, Yeah, yeah, that's,
yeah. It just shows you fucking time
flies by so fast and it's just wow.
Like, yeah, it's crazy. I was, I was talking to Bree the
other day and she was like, you know, Mia, in 15 years, she's
like in 15 years I'm going to be 70.
And I was like, what? 15 years. 15 years and I'm like,
well, I'm only 9 years younger than you.
Oh my God. 15 years. I'm going to be 40.
OK, that's how math works. Yes.
It goes too quick though, Barbie.
I think 1617 years, I'll be 40. Yeah, it's same thing.
Yeah, it's same thing, but it goes too fast.
It really does. All right, so celebrities, yes,
there's somebody that you said to me the other day and I was
like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know who he is because
what is he into? What does he do?
So when I was like in middle school, maybe like early high
school, there was a show called AB CS Freak Show, and it was on
ABC. Yeah.
And it had two seasons. And there was just this guy on
there who did like freak show shit.
And he would just had like bleach white hair and pale skin
and wore a lot of eyeliner. And yeah, I was in love with
him. I was just, I thought about him
all the time and I was like, I need this man.
And I think he was like 40 when I saw him.
Oh, fuck. And so I, I didn't know that
though. But yeah, he.
Didn't look it though, he did a bunch of.
Freaky shit on the show, he'd like put a hook through his nose
out of his mouth and he would do all sorts of crazy shit.
And I guess like, my little freaky brain is like, yeah,
that, that that's doing it for me right there.
It's amazing what we can think about when we're 7-8 years old.
You know, that was probably. 14. Oh, where are you?
Oh. Yeah, I was in like, I was like
late middle school, early high school.
Oh, you did. Say that I'm sorry.
I don't think I had any crushes when I was super.
Young, I was thinking about the. Shark Boy.
OK, I was thinking of the same, the same thing as Michael
Jackson, but So what do you think about now?
Like if you were to have sex with him since he was such a
freak then. If he was, if he looked, he
doesn't look like that anymore. Obviously 'cause if you.
Sure. That was a clear 10 years.
Ago OK and what's his name? Let's his name is.
He's hard. It's like AB CS for he thinks
morgue like. OK, MORG, yeah, like, OK, I'm
going to look him up and I'm going to put Morgue now and see
what he fucking looks like. But it was crazy.
I was still like a little Christian girl.
And he would post these crazy satanistic, atheistic rants on,
on, on like YouTube and I would just ignore them.
So I was like, it's OK if I just keep a little.
Picture right? But I've always been obsessed
with the circus and clowns. If you follow me on fat, you
know I like clowns. Yeah, you know, Shaman loves
clowns. Like that's a huge thing for
him. I really want to post like some
scarier pictures with me on fat but I'm just.
I just get nervous that they can't handle it.
You know, I don't think so. Oh my God, he does not look
pretty now. No, I'm sure there's drugs
involved. I'm sure there's drugs involved
then, yeah. I see, I know.
Looking back, he wasn't even that pretty then, I think.
I think I was just 14, he. Don't look bad.
But he he looks scary like first major celebrity crush.
OK. All right.
Look here like that's what 14 year old shit in her pants over.
OK the clown and the stuff. But I realized I have a very
specific niche I find attractive.
And it's when somebody has bleached, like, white hair and
super pale skin and like super dark, like makeup, I will
immediately just probably find that person attractive.
Yeah, but that's like kind of what I look like.
OK, but you know that show I Zombie we were talking about?
Yeah. And how all the zombies had the
bleach. I had a crush on the the Bane
guy from that show. Oh.
Yeah, when he had. The pale skin and the bleach
hair, yeah, but when he had tan skin and normal hair, I didn't
like him. Yeah.
So it just. Depends on the look.
Alright, It's a total look for you.
OK, so thinking of bleach blonde hair.
Yeah. OK, I have bleach blonde hair
and I'm being conceived. Yeah.
Barbie licks her lips. OK, so Vanilla Ice, that's one I
thought when the. Google people as you speak about
them because I. Don't know who that is.
Vanilla ice Ice ice baby. Well, I know that, I know that,
but I don't. Know OK so his name is is Rob
Van Winkle is his actual name. It's a white dude for.
Sure, Yeah. And you know, back in the 80s
again, yeah. Fucking fucking hot, yeah.
Square jaw, attractive face, really sexy guy.
Yeah. So, you know, he sung that song
Stop That Train, and it was about BDSM.
And I said that's what really triggered my thought because I
was like 9 years old listening to it.
Yeah, you know, And when I heard she pulled out the chains,
whipped her handcuffs similar. Story when it comes to a song OK
and so then by Rihanna used to be my favorite song when I was
Ted. See.
What does that tell you? Excite me.
Nothing should excite me. I'm Ted who gave me that iPod.
I'm singing like a G6 like I know what bottles.
Are okay, so. Popping bottles in the eyes.
I don't know what that means. I'm kid.
So what did you think that morgue would actually like now
in bed? I mean, he looks pretty fucking
freak. Yeah, he'd probably go for
anything. OK, I knowing him, I guarantee
you probably blood. See, I look at him, yeah, I look
at him and I think he likes to be pissed on straight.
Up if I think he would be really into like like satanic esque
vibes. So probably candle wax knife
play blood, probably like tight bondage stuff like that.
But I can't imagine it would at all be very sensual.
I can imagine be very sloppy and kind of in a rush, right?
Like I imagine it'd be kind of gross, like filthy.
Do you think he wants his Dick sucked?
Yeah, OK. And I imagine that he might not
even eat pussy. OK, alright.
He either doesn't or he's way too into it.
OK, well I'm going to save my favorite for last, so we'll get
there last because God. I've never thought about that
before I guess. Yeah, You know, this is the
whole point and it's a great exercise because you can read
people and so when people come into the dungeon or you're
playing with anybody, he seems. Like he'd want to smoke a
cigarette while you suck a Dick. See, that's what I'm saying, you
know, it's, it's perspective, it's looking at people and
really knowing what they want. And so it's, to me, it's a good
exercise to really look at somebody, kind of examine
certain things, I think. What do you think Vanilla Ice
would want? So vanilla ice he to me he look
vanilla. No, he is not vanilla.
You're just projecting. Yeah, no, I really think with
Vanilla Ice, I think that he's not into real BDSM.
I don't think he's a top. I think if anything, it's more
like he wants to be loved, he wants to be touched.
I can. Imagine he'd be a multiple girl
orgy kind of guy. You know, I don't think that.
I don't know anything about him. So I, I think, I think he's,
he's had his share fair of everything, right.
So with, with that, I think that now I think he would want, you
know, just a hot woman on top. I think he's kind of cool with
big hips. I mean, I think he's just kind
of a a cool guy about anything. And I think he kind of goes with
the flow. He looks like he's into a little
bit of nipple play, but looks. Like somebody would have like a
little lingerie fetish and like buy his girls in laundry.
I don't know about that, but I think he might be well but.
Anytime I see like more like clean cut richer rapper guys, I
always imagine that they would that they they're the kind of
people who would enjoy buying their girl things and seeing
them stuff in. So it's not like a lingerie
fetish specifically, but more of a like, oh, let me spoil you
like you're my girl kind of vibe.
OK, see I think he likes to be bit.
He just looks like that guy that you know, he was cool with you
biting him places, even biting on his Dick a little bit.
He's not freaky, but he he'd fuck a freak, yeah.
I'd love to fucking freak him all day long.
I'm calling her husband is cool with it because here's the
thing. Is a Vanilla Ice your hall pass?
No, Vanilla Ice is he's, he's on a hall pass for me, but there's
a number one and I'm going to get to him.
He's on my hall pass. Elvis, he's dead.
He's dead and you know I'm going to get to Elvis next I'll tell
you about. Everyone's on my hall pass
because I'm single. But but no, my husband and I
have a deal. So he wants to fuck Latex, Lucy
and Shakira. Yeah, he loves Shakira.
You know, she's Central American more.
Attainable than the other. Yeah, why not, right.
And you know, latex Lucy. Latex Lucy, is she?
You can look at her own fat life.
She's she's a latex queen and she's done a lot of porn.
And she does. She's a switch in a sense,
because she does porn. But to me, her, she's got a big
fat pussy and I was like, you know, honey, a lot of Dicks have
been in that pussy, right, You know, you know, and I just you
know, I've had a lot of Dicks in mind.
But Mia does kegels. OK, I squeeze.
I'm sitting here. I'm.
Squeezing because of the kegels. She might just overdo it.
Maybe. Maybe it's a muscular.
Pussy able to snap off a Dick in there?
We don't know. There's only one way to find
out. But she looks beautiful.
Yeah, gorgeous. I'm cool with it.
I'm like. Anytime I see a girl with those
kind of outfits, I know they got money.
He wants to fuck her first and I'm like, and then Shakira and
then Shakira. And the the last one he's always
talked about is Bianca Beauchamp and she's another latex queen.
She's in BESM, so that's cool, isn't there?
I I know Shakira's beautiful, you know, from Colombia.
She's gorgeous. And she looks like she would be
fun. But to me, she doesn't look like
she would be that great in bed. It looks like she doesn't like
to suck Dick. Yeah, that's what I'm getting.
That's just me. I could even imagine that she's
a girl that doesn't even really want to get eaten out, you know?
What I mean, I'm I I got that. She kind of seems like a bit of
a little Princess, and that's not to be rude.
No, maybe she just wanted to get fucked in the ass.
It's. Always.
Not to get on a tangent. Well, I'll say this and we'll
hop right back. Go right ahead.
Who has always confused me? Touch me.
Not lesbians. You know, yeah, No, tell me.
So in the lesbian community are like queer women or sapphics.
There's, you know, the Butch dykes, films, whatever, but
there's some like dykes and butches and like studs that
don't want you to touch them at all.
They want to fuck you with the strap, they want to eat you out.
They don't want you eating them out.
They don't want to be fingered. They don't even want their like
vagina acknowledged at all. And that's always really
confused me. But those are the same girls
that sometimes don't even take their sports bra off and they
fuck you. I personally think there's some
gender identity going on there that they are not coming to
terms with because genital dysphoria is a big thing.
Because I know trans people that don't want their genitals messed
with because it makes them feel bad about themselves.
And so anytime I've heard of a touch me not lesbian, I'm like,
yeah, we might need to go therapy about that one.
And that's not me being rude. Like, I'm not trying to
discredit. No, I know it's it's a big
spectrum of things, you know, and it's like you said, it's
it's not our life, it's their life.
And you know, everyone has a choice and do wink to do.
But I'm not really into masculine women that much.
I'm specifically not really into like super Butch or like super
stud just because for me, I I like girls and I think I want a
girl. I don't really girl who like
acts like a guy, you know what I mean?
And that's not to be rude like. It's just your preference.
You know, they're wearing their, they wear sports bras to make it
look like they don't have titties.
Like they they look like men. And I'm like, like, yeah.
I mean, if you like masculine women, that's that's all for
you. But I personally just, I like
that middle masculine where it's not quite you look like a boy,
but it's like, you know, little mask you like, you let your
button ups and stuff. But I'm a big fan of I'm a femme
for femme now but that's so hard to find.
Like finding another like femme girl who wants to date a femme.
I got so annoyed. They all want masculine women.
I totally understand. But back to what we were
talking. About yes.
OK, so do you have another celebrity crush?
The only other one I can really like, think of that like I've
liked for a long time was like Tom, not Tom Holland, Tom
Hiddleston. He played Loki in the Marvel MCU
and he's just like a very traditionally handsome.
He's older now. OK, let me look this.
Up here in like, I get, yeah, he's just, he used to like do
movies and he's just like classically handsome British
man. But he's a really, he does
Shakespeare and so he says really polite temperament.
So he's very opposite from the last guy.
But he when he speaks and does interviews, he's very eloquent
and he's very well spoken. And he did this really artsy
movie and he was like, like, had his shirt off and he was ripped,
just so polite and ripped. And I was like, you know what?
I like that right there. But he also played Loki.
And I liked how he looks as Loki with the black hair and the pale
skin. And because I think, I think, I
think I just like goth. So anytime someone looks a
little goth, I'm like, yeah, I'm in, you know, So I liked him
like that, but I liked him for a long time.
And if I had to think what he'd be into in bed, I don't think
he's into anything. I think he's quite vanilla,
maybe a little hand spanking, something like that, maybe rough
sex, but I don't think he'd be into like implements or
anything. Crazy.
It's always interesting, our perspectives, isn't it?
Well, she did Taylor Swift for a minute, which is random.
But and yeah, she just doesn't look like she would be that
exciting. She looks so boring to me.
Yeah, a little bit. No, no offense to her
personally, but. I mean offense, Taylor Swift, if
you're listening, I mean offense.
Yeah, she's cute, but I think she just looks really
inexperienced sexually. You.
Would try to act like they're into stuff and they're.
They're not. Yeah, like she like big Dicks.
Well. Songs and she's trying to be
cool. Like yeah, draw your eyeliner
sharp enough to kill a man. Girl, shut the fuck up.
No. You wouldn't even tell a man to
shut up. No.
No, I think she's really sexually repressed.
That's what it. Seems to be like she likes
missionary, that's it. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with being vanilla.
No, not at all. I'm a.
Big fan of vanilla sex sometimes.
She's got a lot of talent, and maybe that's all of her talent
is right there, you know, well. I mean, some people just aren't
that sexual. No, those aren't very true.
Very true. I, you know, for kinky stuff, I
do like, I tell you what, sometimes I'm like, hey, I just
want to lay on my back. I don't want to jump through
these hoops. I don't want to put nothing on.
I just want to get this done with.
I want to have a good time. I want you to look in my eyes
and that's it. Call it a night we have.
Let's make it under 45 minutes. God, is there anybody who has
died that you think you would be totally into, like, say, Marilyn
Monroe? Ohio.
She was a girly girl, She was beautiful.
She's blonde, pale skin. Well, if we're talking about
girls, she's not dead. But I really did like, I do
really am attracted to Doja Cat. She's like a rapper.
I've seen Doja Cat, she's gorgeous.
To me, I know a lot of my friends are attracted to like
Megan the stallion. I think Megan the Stallion is
hot, but I don't know if she's necessarily like my type at all.
I think we're too much alike, OK, too dominant for.
That OK. All right.
But I don't know. I like them.
I'm trying to think like someone who's died.
I don't know, really. I can't really think of anybody.
But it's only because you asked me the question.
No, no, that's fine. You can, we can circle back.
But I will say Elvis, Elvis just because he's beautiful, but we
were not going to be sexually compatible at all.
And I he's waiting. Much like a top.
Yeah, he's a big top. He was a big country boy, You
know, he had a foot fetish. Have you seen his new movie?
Oh yeah, with Jacob Allordy. Oh yeah, Jacob Allordy.
I had a little crush on him for a minute, but he's too he's too
surfer Australian for. Me.
Oh, he's still gorgeous. He's gorgeous.
But sometimes when guys are a bit too normal, I just, I don't
like him. Yeah, like, I don't know what it
is. Yeah, Elvis, he was a little
borderline pedo, unfortunately. You know he had that.
You know his wife. Was a little young.
Yeah, you know, but it goes back to the 50s, you know, it was
very common, more so than people care to admit, you know, and
being uneducated in the South, you know, it was what it was,
honestly. Jerry Lee, Jerry Lewis, great
balls of fire if you've ever seen it.
But, you know, he married his second cousin, you know, and she
was 13 at the time, and he was like 26.
Gross. I'm glad we came from that.
Yes, I think when Elvis married Priscilla, he was 36 and she was
21. Yeah, I'm not a big fan of age
gaps, but I think it's like we've talked about this before,
like I think because my generation is like.
And even maybe millennials as well, because we have access to
the Internet in such an intense way, you really can just learn
about all that stuff, like with Elvis and his stuff.
So you're less likely to be susceptible to the cycles of
this stuff because you can be educated on.
It and. I know a lot of kids my age,
they're really aware of age gaps and how it can be predatory
because you can easily look up any story online and see how.
I mean, I'm not saying age gaps can't work.
I mean, obviously there's an age gap with you and your husband,
but I'm saying a lot of them can be predatory.
And you know, I remember when I started dating when I was 18 and
I was wanting a boyfriend, I had an older girl I knew that was
like 28. I was just chit chatting where
they're out once and she told me she's like, don't date a guy
over 24. And I was like, like, I was
like, oh, why? And she was like, because what
do you have in common with a 30 year old?
You're 18. What do you have to offer him?
Yeah. You just got out of school.
He has a whole life like he wants you because you're, you're
naive. And I really took that to heart.
And I was. Like it's true, that was great
advice. Yeah.
And I've always tried to keep it tight.
When I do date, I like to keep it like maybe only two or three
years. Either way, I don't go under 21
just because it's inconvenient now because I'm like 24 and.
If I don't. Drink.
I don't want my partner not be able to get in the club.
It just feels weird. But right now I think I think
I'm 24. I think I could date a 30 year
old now if I found one I like. Absolutely.
Well because now my brain is almost fully developed so dating
dating a 30 year old now wouldn't be as weird as if I was
18, but you see it all the time. You do.
Like, and that was like the weirdest thing is that these
girls would get into these punk scenes and they'd they'd be 18.
Like I turned 18 a week ago. And next thing you know, they
got them a 23 year old boyfriend.
They got a 26 year old boyfriend.
Like, yeah, the guys are but and they think they're so cool
because they have, they're mature for their age.
I'm like, no, you're not. No, you're not.
The boy's immature for his age. Yeah, that's why he's dating a
teenager. Exactly.
When I was 23, I didn't even, I went on a date with a 19 year
old and I cut and I stopped it. I think I talked about that on
the podcast where I was like, it didn't work out.
Yeah, I was like. He's too young and like, you
really can tell the difference. And if you can tell the
difference between a 2223 year old and a 19 year old, imagine
the difference between like a 27 year old and an 18 year old.
It's weird. Yeah, yeah.
It really just, it goes back. I think there's a level of
insecurity with men and when they start listening to, you
know, women that are, you know, 18 and 19 and they have 0
experience, you know, and it was sadly kind of like Elvis, you
know, he really didn't want to have sex with Priscilla after
she had their child. You know, it was kind of like,
oh, she's not pure no more. Baby to Madonna horror complex.
Yeah. So I was like.
Well, I will say age gaps aren't bad.
It just depends where the age gap is.
Like 18 and 32 is weird, but 30 and 42 it that's a little weird,
but not that bad. Yeah.
And then 35 and 47, it's like, oh, you're both adults.
Like it's still an age gap. But like, once you get past that
hump of your brain not being developed, then it's kind of
like free game, you know what I mean?
Well, my husband was 21. I took his virginity and I was,
you know, 3032 at the time. Yeah. 3233, yeah.
And you know I didn't. Know he was 2:30.
Three. No, he was 21.
That's not that bad though. Well, you know, most people
would be like what? But I I will say not to be
sexist. I feel like it's a little
different. OK, I mean, I don't like I said,
I don't want to be like, oh, you know, but the simple fact of it
was he, he had a profession, he was goal oriented and all of
these things were he he's basically an old man and I'm
honestly much more fun than he is because he's a boring guy.
That's why I said earlier they can work.
I'm not saying age gap can't. Oh, I know you're I'm.
Just saying off. More often than not, it's a
situation where someone's being used or exploited.
Oh I agree, especially it is like.
Older man, younger woman. Yeah, to be sexist, you all
know. We all know.
We all know, but that's OK. But we go back to the celebrity.
I was going to say, because there's a lot of men in foreign
countries that'll be like, what's this bitch talking about
cuts? Me out on face.
I will marry a 14 year old, I don't give a fuck.
Don't come to America. We got guns here, brother.
I was guessing because they listened to us on Iran so it's
like but. What are they going to do, beat
my ass? Come to America.
OK Oh no, you're mad at me. But anywho, so there's no other
crushes for you, huh? It's so hard to think because I
think I get them. This one's really stupid and I'm
going to have to Google him for you because you're not going to
know who this is. So when I was younger, there was
a show called the Doodle Bops, and they were like brightly
colored at the children's show. Well.
I remember the doodle bops. Orange one and his name is MO
Doodle and you got to stay with me about this.
So on. In fandom culture and on TikTok,
people make these things called edits, where they will put clips
of an actor or an actress and they'll make the edit.
Really sexy and it really makes the person look so attractive.
Well, last year for some reason people started making edits of
MO Doodle from the doodle box and I started reposting every MO
Doodle edit I got, which by reposting it, the algorithm just
fed me more MO Doodle edits. So for a while I had a kind of
ironic a crush on MO Doodle from the doodle bops because of these
sexy edits I kept getting. And I plagued all my friends
with them because I continuously reposted them.
And the other day my friend, he was like oh you haven't posted
one in a while. I'm glad you're over it.
And I just said oh I just haven't gotten one in a while.
OK, I'll go through and repost all the ones I have saved if you
want. Yeah, go for it.
For yes, from MO Doodle. Don't be.
It's so stupid, I'm gonna have to Google it for you.
It's literally, it's so so. Send me the link.
Oh yeah.
So told you I'm ticked off. Yes.
Sending you MO dual edits. I don't know what it is, this
little orange man. I I've seen that that orange
man, but he's got an attractive face.
It's just I can't get past the hair you'll.
See the edit though, they pick like 2 like .3 second clips for
someone their jaws like bulging or they look like they're like
making like an O face and they'll pull it out of like
normal stuff. It's like their magic and it'll
it'll make someone who doesn't look that hot looks super
fucking hot. It's like crazy.
It's it's dangerous. Isn't that crazy?
Yeah. All right.
So grand finale for me. Grand.
Finale for you and I'll give it a grand finale.
Marshall Mathers. Eminem.
Yes.
Oh God have mercy. Okay, hold me back, Barbie.
Okay, so my opinion on this is, you know, he focused a lot on
raising his kids. He had a highly dysfunctional
relationship with his wife. His wife had to be like his
mother. They were both addicts.
There was issues, however, I think with him, I think he is a
true sensualist. I think he's sexy as fuck and
there's something about ghetto loving like I fucking I oh.
I think MO Doodle is a sub by the way.
Oh. OK, I, I think, I think, I think
Marshall Mathers is a little bit of submissive, honestly.
I think he clearly has mommy issues.
You know, he might even want to say mommy, I don't know, in a
session, but I would fucking rock his world and he is number
one on my bucket list. I would fuck the shit out of
him. I would do nearly whatever, you
know, but I'm, I'm in control now.
Now, you know, he wrote in one of his lyrics, he said something
how he had an encounter with Mariah Carey and he he just came
out and said it, that he pre ejaculated on her stomach and
that she can't deny what happened because he was here to
embarrass himself along with her because she's a cunt.
And I've never liked Mariah Carey.
Yeah, yeah, I don't like her. She.
Looks like a heard bad things
about her. Her and Jlo.
I've only heard bad things about them.
Right. Like I've heard the worst thing.
Like recently the Jlo hatred's been crazy.
Yeah, it really has been. But yeah, that's essentialist.
I could see that. I don't really know much about
him. I've heard some of his songs.
Yeah, but yeah, he talks about the song, how he basically
nutted on her and she started coagulating and she was, she
called him disgusting or gross. And I was like, what a fucking
bitch. I would.
Fucking. I know I'm like, I'm fucking
that slurp it up with a straw fucker.
Well, it's also like you're you're fucking him.
Yeah, like, oh. You're so disgusting.
You're the one on your back, bitch.
Right? What a bit interesting
combination it is, but I always imagine there's probably a lot
of interesting combinations and like.
Oh definitely, but. I guess my grand finale is this
so I like. Go ahead, she's doing her.
Thing right, her dog's in the corner just being funny.
So I do like K pop in a very like light way and I like this
one boy group and I used to not really make sex jokes with my
friends. I don't know.
And I was showing them this music video of this eight boy
boy group and they're all grown men so they're not boys.
But I in the middle of this music video pointed to he went
that's the train set I want for Christmas.
And it was like the first sex jokes my friends had heard me
say and they were like so shocked that not only was I
making like a sexual joke, I was basically saying I want these
eight Korean pop stars to run a train on me.
But it wasn't all of them. I've liked this one.
His name's Chang Ben and he is 5/6 and I'm willing to forgive
him for that. Yeah.
But he's like, he's renowned for being like the ugliest, but he's
so pretty because Korean beauty standards are like insane.
And I have had a crush on him since, like pretty consistently
since 2020 now. Wow.
So yeah, I'd risk it all for him.
I feel like I could pull him, He said.
He likes scary girls. Oh, you'd rock his world.
I would. And he likes big bitches.
That's why he lifts weights. Because if you're lifting
weights, you like big bitches. Because what are you lifting the
weights for? Exactly not.
Skinny bitches. A lot of Jim Bros.
I was going to say. And a lot of Jim Bros like in
the ass. So a lot of the military men
fuel the dungeon ecosystem. Economy.
Yeah, it's Jim Bros, blue collar
and military men. Oh yeah, 100%.
That's them you would. You would think it would be the
artist. And we love them all, right?
There's a blue collar guy today that took Doug.
That was scary. Yeah.
You just go to work after that. Cute, wasn't he?
Yeah. Yeah.
Not my type. You're not?
Yeah. Not your type.
Yeah. Picky about men?
I don't know. Yeah, that's OK.
Be picky as you want. But I'll I'll Google.
A picture of Chandler. I've seen him.
Chadman. Yes, you know who he is.
Yes, I know who he is. Exactly.
How do you know who he is? Because I know K Pop.
Yeah, he's a Stray Kids. Yes, there's some.
There's some of the boys in that group are pretty like girls.
Oh, I know. Khungen and Felix.
Yeah. I don't usually like feminine
men, but I'm like, OK baby. Yeah, cute.
I'll bring my strap if we need it.
Exactly. You like that?
Exactly, exactly. No, they're just so.
Gorgeous. And I'm just like, I think me
getting into K pop is when I realized men could be that
pretty. Yeah.
I was like, oh this, this is unlocking something.
For me, absolutely. But I only really like one or
two groups. I like the girl groups more
because I like pop music. That is a OK.
But yeah, gosh, I wish I could have talked about more girl
celebrities I like, but I don't really get girl crushes on
celebrities to lay down boys. Well, you brought up Jlo, and I
love Jlo, but she looks like an absolute fucking cunt.
Yeah, people talk about it. I'm trying.
To think if I had a crush on any other girl.
Ria RIP. Not Ria Ripley.
Yeah, Ria Ripley. She's this like goth wrestler
and she gets called mommy a lot, but she's a muscle mommy.
That's. A new.
Where when a girl's like really muscular and.
Buff. Yeah, call him a muscle mommy.
Because now. It's like now it's being used as
like daddy, so it's not really anything.
But she, you know, she's cool. She everyone thought she was gay
because of how like her shit went like in the, the wrestling,
like she'd always pin girls behind with their legs behind
their heads and she was always like doing all this queer stuff.
And then turns out she's like not only straight, but she's
married with a husband and. Everyone was like, wow, isn't
that funny? Yeah.
Yeah, I had to. I had to really think about my
celebrity crushes. I don't get celebrity crushes.
That all. Oh, well, you know, I'm not all
on the fact that they're celebrities because I really
could give a fuck less. I'm A Celebrity.
I'm not, yeah, I'm not one of that like, oh God.
But you know, the simple fact, like I said, because I've had
some different celebrities over the years, you know, and that's
cool, you know? But to me, it is their job.
It's what they do. They entertain people.
Yeah. But I would totally fucking rock
Eminem's world with, you know, Vanilla Ice.
I don't care that 3 way would be fucking happy straight to Paris.
Oh, it would be. I wouldn't even have to go to
Paris. I mean, I could just no.
I meant doing the Eiffel Tower. Oh God, there's an episode of
Ghosts and she's like, I'm just waiting for an appropriate time
to climb that mountain. So I would fucking climb that
mountain. You know, anytime I I think
about like doing an Eiffel Tower, I'm just like that seems
like so much work that seems so stressful get like having to
suck a Dick and fucking at the same time, while like doing like
a straight back seems so frustratingly annoying.
The true. Essentialist.
You only want to do one thing at a time.
Yeah, it just, it seems like a lot happening at once.
Well, because if I'm sucking Dick, I want to focus on that.
I don't want to because I don't know.
I'm also a little lazy. Oh my God, don't tell people
that. I'm not.
You got you gotta make your rounds, you know?
I will not be making my rounds. You could be sucking Dick and
stroking them off at the same time.
The other guy you know you could work or hands.
I'll just fuck them at different times.
You cut. You could, I've always been
interested in like a two guy threesome, but finding two guys
that are willing to have a decent threesome is insane
because none of they don't even want to look at the other guy.
I'm like, what the fuck are we here then for?
It's OK. You're young, that's what it is.
The older you get, once you hit 30 and there's guys in their 30s
you want to fuck, trust me, they're going to be down to I.
Like watching boys kiss, and boys don't kiss nearly enough
for my liking. I don't know, I don't know, I.
Don't know? If you're a boy and you want to
prove me wrong, feel free to send me pictures of you kissing.
The boy, Marshall Mathers, looks like he would be in a fucking
amazing kisser. I mean, you've seen him work his
mouth. I.
Haven't, but I believe you. Oh my God.
Some of them. Exactly.
My God bless. I was just like, let me suck on
your tongue for a few minutes by his neck.
You got to have him say that while he's, like, eating.
Yeah, somebody. Somebody.
Abra Abracadabra, like Evis's most recent God had mercy.
I'd fuck that over and over again.
Yeah, we'd be in bed for several days and or the dungeon,
whichever. I'm good with it.
I'll come over. I'm like, why is the door bolted
shut? Yeah, your husband will be like,
she's been in there six days, Man, I'm nervous.
They haven't had any food or water.
Eminem would just be a shriveled Raisin by the time we got to
what happened me and got a hold of them.
Poor kid didn't stand a chance. We keep water in the dungeon and
vitamin water will be fine. That is, that's the funniest
part. That's how I always like kind of
hint the sessions over because I'm not the best at like ending
them out. So I'll kind of just be like,
OK, you can get up and then I'll be like, do you want a water
bottle or anything before you get dressed?
Yeah, the hell. I always because I don't know
how to end scene. So I kind of just like slowly
stop and then just I just asked if they weren't turning.
The music down. Yeah, I'd be like, OK, hey, why
don't you come over here on the couch?
Let's take a breather for a minute.
Yeah. And then I always go, well, you
know, feel free to get dressed if you want to.
Here's some paper towels. Well, it kind of depends on like
what you end on, especially when they don't like come or anything
because you kind of just kind of end it.
Like today we had like 10 minutes left and I kind of
forgot. He said he wanted to get pegged,
but he also said quite a few things he wanted to do.
Like he wanted to do foot worship, the cock box.
He wanted torture and so much. Yeah.
And so I was kind of thinking it was just on the list.
And he was like, can I kiss your feet?
And I said, oh, we can close out the session with some foot
worship we want. He's like, oh, or you could peg
me. And I was like, bro, we got 10
minutes left. I didn't say that, but I was
like, I mean, we have 10 minutes if you want to.
And he was like, yes. And then I ended up putting Doug
in him, which, you know, grand. Finale he.
Said there we go to him. It was scary watching that.
I'm kidding. I texted my friends.
I said, guys, this guy just, I just put Doug inside this man
and they're like, no way. And said, yeah, I'm terrified.
That's awesome. OK, let's send it on that, shall
we? Yes, All right.
And until then, may all your fantasies become.
Realities.