Hi, welcome to the latest episode of Call Me Mistress.
I'm your Hostess, Mistress Mia, and I've got with me Madame Liv.
Hi guys. This lady on the TV is just
acting up. She's like got that whip, but
she's like spanking herself with it.
I'm like what the fuck? It's quite funny 'cause you
know, on Bar Rescue there's been a couple of episodes where
they've, these bar owners have, they're in vanilla world, you
know, but they've tried to incorporate BDSM.
Jon Taffer does not have that shit.
Like people are offended by doing this shit.
They had BDSM. Oh yeah.
Really. Oh yeah.
Because you're in a vanilla lifestyle and you come to a
vanilla bar and people are doing a scene.
It's not like they're advertising that it's a fucking
BDSM club. So it just seems like a just a
sex thing. Yeah, and makes people feel
uncomfortable. Boo Hoo, Boo Hoo.
So Speaking of making people feel uncomfortable, we've done
one night stands, we've had them.
Has there been? Haven't lived if you.
Haven't. Has there been some or one?
Maybe they've just felt you. Like what the fuck did I think
about that? Oh, yeah, several actually, but
one that just keeps popping into my head.
We met on a dating app and we went out on a few dates, but his
wife had recently died. Like it was been a year, but he
was really caught up in it and he just, I was thinking, you
know, let's be a perfect for like a one night stand or just a
sex buddy. It would have been nice, you
know? So I take him back to my house.
And I did not realize, because he's wearing so much clothes,
that he had a really odd body with a lot of, like, folds.
So I had to like, yeah, to like go under to see it.
And ever since that night, and I did as a pity fuck, it really
was because I was kind of grossed out.
Been there, done that. OK, this was a pity fuck.
And then literally, and he'll probably still message me every
now and then. I can't believe you did that to
me. And I thought you liked me and
all this stuff. I'm like, I met you like twice.
I was just going to have sex with you.
Like, why would you think that I want anything more with you if
you're talk about your dead wife constantly, You know now that we
can't talk about your wife. But that's literally the only
thing he wanted to talk about. He's still caught up in it.
So I was like, well, you know what?
You need help. I need to get laid, let's do it.
But he got 2 like into it. So despite the folds obviously
had lost a lot of weight being depressed probably lost a lot of
weight quick. So he had, I think he.
Just had weight and I just didn't notice it.
Gotcha. He didn't have.
Flat page like there was no weight, he just had weight and I
didn't notice it. Gotcha because.
I'm like, I like a bigger guy, you know, like a burly man.
Yeah, I like that. Yeah, but it's not like that.
Yeah, so was it the sex, even gut?
Oh, sucked. Oh, it's too bad.
I made it. I just turned around and didn't
let it let him do his thing. Wow and.
He thought he was like grade AI was just moaning too good I
guess. So he thought he was like the
best of the best. He's like, Oh my God, I did so
well and I was like, dude, I barely felt you.
I was just this is an ego boost only for you.
Oh Lord. Yeah, and he rode his motorcycle
over too. And my mom lives not far, like
in front of me, you know? So she heard that big ass
motorcycle at freaking 10:00 at night, Come to my house, leave
like 30-45 minutes later. Literally only had sex with him
once. Wow.
Yeah, and he got obsessed. I don't like that.
Wow. Yeah, I have to ask you a
question. So we wouldn't reveal this
information of who he may be, but I'll have to ask you after
the podcast. OK.
Yeah. So question on this note, is
that your worst experience? The fact that he contacts you
and says I can't believe you ghosted me?
You know, I've had a lot of experiences, but like, I have
one. There's no judgment.
It's judgment. I'm.
Not scared, I'm not sure but I had this one guy that I hung out
with two days. Whole stream freaking.
He was the best. We played car games.
I was actually trying to like him.
I was like, wow, we would. He's got like this huge acreage
we're talking about doing like farming.
And I was like, Oh my God, I could live on this land.
We were just kind of like. Yeah.
Two days of just talking and I wouldn't have sex with him
because I liked him. Yeah.
Then I finally had sex with him. He had a really small Dick, but
I was like, I could work with it.
You know, it's not bad. And then the next day, I really
don't remember what happened, but he had like a pop off.
Like he would got angry, like to the point where he was like
threatening to throw because I left my kayak at his house,
threatening to throw the kayak and on the side of the road that
he'd find my shit on the side of the road.
And I'm just like, who are you? I don't talk like this.
Why are you talking like to me like this?
Like, why is this your, your thought process to do like, you
know what I mean? Like, I don't, I don't remember
why he got angry. I could probably ask my friend,
my best friend, 'cause he was there for that whole thing.
He would help me go get my kayak 'cause I was scared.
To go over there, you got to tell me that's crazy.
Yeah. That one, that one kind of,
yeah, that one scared me. That one, I stopped going online
after that 'cause I was like, I was scared so I would I wouldn't
do it the same way I worked a little different, but if you
think about it, when I met my current boyfriend, I met him in
the middle of the on his lake. I shouldn't have done that, but
at least it worked out. Wow, you didn't go and meet him
at a public place, you went to his property.
Where did we meet first? No, I think I literally he took
me out to the property. Oh, OK.
It was like in the middle of the night.
Jesus. Christmas.
I know. And I told him I was like, I
make bad decisions and here's one of them.
I could have died. You gotta die is.
Right. I only hung out them for like 3
times and I stopped talking to him because I found or.
No, I hung out three times but talked to him for a while.
Yeah, but once I found out he was still on dating amps when we
had just got done talking about we were going to start working
towards each other, I quit. Talking to him, yeah.
I'm surprised it worked out the way that it did.
That crazy because it could have definitely never seen him again,
Never had this life or nothing. Wow.
He wasn't a one night stand though.
Yeah, that's. True, that's true.
I was. Actually kind of scared though,
because he talked about how much people he was with.
So I was like, you're scaring me.
But he was, he was nice because he kept staying open.
Like he was just telling me all this shit.
I was like, oh, maybe one day I can tell you my shit.
That's why I liked him. I was like, I want to tell you
my shit too. That's funny.
Do you have a bad story? Oh, God, I always have bad
stories. Of course.
Yeah. You know, that's the thing when
you've you've had multiple partners over the years, there's
always been like those. Are the one night ones or the
ones that are quick? Yeah.
So Speaking of that, so I had this one guy and he was very
sweet. He joined the military.
He lost all this weight very, very quickly to join the
military. So he had an apron, stomach
skin. So it was a big flap, right?
And even like around his pubic area, all that skin just kind of
hung and he didn't really even have a big Dick.
That was really hard. Yeah, it was sad.
Yeah. So I thought to him, I thought
to myself, I'm like, you know, I'm going to give him a break.
He seems very nice. It was, again, it was a pity
fuck. So I was like, OK, I wonder how
many people he slept with, You know?
Well, he told me he slept with a few people and I'm thinking
there's no way. Like he doesn't know how to do
oral sex. He's really a shitty kisser, and
if a guy is a shitty kisser, 9 times out of 10 they're going to
suck in bed. Yeah, absolutely.
Right. So I went and I just gotten
this, this new bedding, you know, you know, women, you know,
when we don't have pets and all that good stuff, we can have a
nice comforter with matching curtains and everything else.
So I had this really nice set at the time it was like $600.00 and
I think I got it for 150. What does Bitch do?
Oh my God, Well this comforter, I couldn't put it in my wash
because it's too thick, so I had to go take it to the dry
cleaners, OK. And it got to the point where I
was like, fuck it, I'm only going to put it out for
decoration, you know, and I'm going to just put a sheet over
it. And so he comes over and the
first time I sleep with him, I get to where I'm like, I'm like
sucking a stick a little bit. And it, that was nothing as a
challenge. I mean, it was nothing.
I was like, lick, lick, Deep Throat, done.
Deep Throat. Yeah.
Take care. Barely made it to the UV little.
Yeah, exactly. Needless to say, I rode a stick
for a second and I was like, this guy, he can't hang, he's
getting ready to explode. And within 30 seconds, I mean it
happened so quick. I was like what the fuck just
happening that. Sounds like a virgin.
It was terrible. Yeah, he was total virgin.
I think he was a virgin. I think I took.
A sharing. Lied, I think he lied big time
because that poor boy exploded like a little bomb went off boom
and I was like, oh he sucks so bad and so he's like, oh I'm I'm
really sorry, I'm really sorry. Can I do something for you?
I was like, no, because it's kind of like he's going to suck
at the rest. So it's like I'm not even going
to try to teach him how to do anything else because oral sex
skills were horrendous. It was so bad.
I was like, Oh my God, I'm not supposed to feel teeth, please
stop. So that was that.
So I let him come back a second time.
This time he barely got undressed.
He looked at me in my lingerie because I would go all out, you
know, I wasn't half assed in anything.
I look good. And you know what he did?
He come in his pants. He know he was.
He was fully undressed. His pants were down his ankles.
At this point I thought he could maintain.
He grabbed my comforter, wrapped it around his Dick real quick as
he was ejaculating, but he didn't even touch his Dick.
Oh, that's cool. And he was.
I mean, sucks that it was on your comfort, but yeah, you
could make a guy come just by looking at.
You apparently here. What type of bad reason is that?
Sounds like an ego boost. It kind of was.
I would, I would literally have sex with just the the thought of
that, like, wow, you could do that.
I could do that. One day you'll accomplish that
in the dungeon, I guarantee you. I've done it several.
Times you. You just started.
You'll do it, I promise. OK.
I promise it'll happen. Well, I'll lose some weight.
It'll be good. What weight do you?
Even have my mashed potatoes. Oh my God, you have a little
tiny tummy. That's it.
God, stop. Sometimes it pokes out,
especially when I'm wearing like the the whole get up.
You'll be fine and. Everything's real tight, like a
little piece of my Mashed potato be hanging out.
I'm like, oh God, suck it in. Look, when you when you can put
everything in a pair of panties, you're.
Good. You see how big my panties are?
I got some granny panties. I don't even know how I got this
job. You're not right.
Oh my Yeah, you could only explain.
Yourself. Calling you back.
Oh, my God. Yeah, of course.
Yeah. You know you never.
Had that experience for yeah. Are you wearing black or red?
Black. Yeah, I 9 times out of 10 I wore
black. I like black too.
Yeah, makes me feel like smoky and sexy.
Yeah. Like mystery.
I have this one red satin nightgown though, and it's kind
of like a leisure little nightgown, but it has the black,
you know, lace up top and it's sleeveless.
So when I get into that, you and me, you can take a picture.
I'd be like. Kid, I was just thinking that.
I was like, look. At this live.
Get your hair done. Real cute.
Yeah. Yeah.
You like the blowout thing? That my little thing I have.
Get your hair blown out. Put on a little makeup.
Yeah. Some red lipstick to match your
red outfit. Absolutely sexy shoes.
We'll do some dungeon pictures. Totally.
Yeah, I. I've done my my sister's boudoir
pictures and they turned out great.
I bet. Yeah, she.
Printed out my pictures and put them in his wallet.
I have no doubt on your little Sheen camera and printer.
I love that. That's cool.
Hey, it works, right? Yeah, it's.
Great. It makes it really easy.
I gotta get more paper now I think about it.
All right, so any other one night stands that's gonna stick
out to you? I don't know.
Not ones that really stick out because they all kind of blend
together eventually. They do.
I should have kept my one list. I had a list of like my first
100. You whore I was.
Total whore I was. Total slut.
Oh my. God, that's when my boyfriend
likes me. But, you know, once you're in
this miserable marriage for six years and you're married to a
psycho after that, you're kind of like, yeah, let's do this.
Whatever the book I want. Exactly.
And I didn't want to get married.
I didn't plan on any of that. I just wanted to live my life,
run my business. I thought I had all the plans
together. And then I fall in love again
and it's damn you starts a whole other direction.
That's good, though. It's it's nice and fabulous when
it when it turns like that and it comes naturally.
Yeah. Oh my God, I've never
experienced that until now. And that was great.
Right. Yes.
I was like wow, I didn't this like movie shit.
So I'll tell you another funny story.
I had this one night stand with this guy.
He ran a gymnastics gym for children.
And, you know, he kind of looked like, if you ever watched Jersey
Shore, he looked like a character on Jersey Shore.
So. So he looked kind of New York,
Brooklyn bougie. Yeah, yeah, 'cause I mean.
Fake tan white. Teeth.
Yes, yes. And so, interestingly enough, he
wanted to. We met, and I don't remember
where we met at the time. I want to say we met like at
Seville or one of those downtown.
Anywho, so I gave him my number and he called me one night and
I'm like, Oh yeah, you know, I'm home, come on over, you know,
And Needless to say, this guy was not that great in bed at
all. He was one of those that he
thought he was trying to get through a race, like he was the
running horse, you know, and wanted to pound me to death.
And I was like, Jesus, you know? I like that shit.
Maybe. Well, you know, sometimes
there's a there's a thing for it, but you know, it's like when
you're first going to know somebody, you know, and your
Dick's not that big and it keeps slipping out.
That's. That's probably why he's trying
to make up. The difference exactly.
Like if I do it really really fast you won't be able to tell
how big it. Is yes.
Yes, I'm sailing. Into this I'm like, Oh my God.
So we tried different positions. Finally, I think we settled on
the doggy position. Easy enough.
Yeah, go for it. He can't miss the hole, right?
Yeah. At one point he slips out.
He goes my asshole, and I want to punch him, you know, because
if your butt hole is not prepared for that and you have a
small butt hole as it is, it's not going to fly.
No, it's not. It sucked.
And so I'm like, you know what? I'm done, I'm done.
It's been great, blah blah. Blah blah, I don't know, a
pretty bad story, right? There.
It was terrible. Yeah.
So that was on a Friday night before Mother's Day.
OK. Uh huh.
I take my mother out that Sunday for breakfast, and we're
celebrating Mother's Day. We go to this restaurant when
they first open for brunch. I go in there and he's there.
I'm like, oh God, how awkward is this?
And he's like 3 or 4 tables away from me.
Like he's right there. He immediately sees me, puts his
hand up to the side of his face and I looked at him and laughed.
I'm like mother fucker, if anybody should be covering their
face it should be you because you fucking suck in bed.
So I was laughing. I was like, Oh my God.
And of course my mom's, what are you laughing about?
I'm like, I'm laughing at this idiot a couple tables over
'cause he thinks that I have an interest in seeing him again.
And I said it to where he could hear me, 'cause I was like, you
little fucking shit bag. There was nothing about me
wanting to fuck you and it was going to happen again 'cause you
suck. You know, I used to be like,
well, even when I was younger, I didn't like having sex.
I wanted to have sex before relationship starts.
Good. If you get in a relationship,
they're nice and like that one girl, Stephanie, yeah, they end
up being with their person and they end up being too small or
not good at it and won't learn because some people won't learn.
No, you can. Have a small Dick or even too
big of a Dick. And learn, yeah.
But some people just don't don't.
They want they need to check out the goods beforehand.
I used to think that was a gross thought, but after one night
stands, it's like, you know what?
I understand that thought. Well, you know, being raised.
Like 30-40 years old. You can't.
Do it. I know.
But being being raised Catholic, you know, my mother was always
like, wait for marriage, you know, you don't need to have sex
before marriage, you know, blah, blah, blah.
She's very devout about that. And then at some point she kind
of lost direction after she got divorced and everything.
So she wasn't really as strict. But my thing was, I was 21 and I
waited till I was 21 to do anything, you know, smoke, smoke
weed, try any drug, you know, anything like that.
And so I was like, you know, I'm 21, I'll wait for a while.
I waited for love, try to wait for love.
And it didn't happen. So by the time I'm almost 22, I
was like, I'm going to have fun, you know, they're.
Good for you. Yeah, next.
Thing ever be longing for it and you want to reveal you think
when you get older like I did that yeah not I didn't do.
That, you know, like that thought, OK, I'm going to tell
you one more story and then you can be like, OK, bye.
Call me mistress. See you later.
One more story. OK, So my friend and I, one
night we started doing something fun.
We met these guys, we went out on dates.
We weren't interested. We came back to my my townhouse.
We're sitting there and I said, you know what?
I used to go out with this guy who was in the military.
He was stayed in the officers quarters out on the base.
I said I have a great idea. This is what you and I need to
do. We're going to take turns with
how long we can keep a guy on the phone and see if they'll be
interested in enough that we want to go out with them.
Right, OK, that is some fun. But we'd have to basically call
and prank them to see if they could take the bait.
OK, OK, so she tried this once, tried it twice.
And I'm like, OK, I'm going to give it a whirl.
I call and I'm like, hey, is Michael there?
And he was like, no, I think you have the wrong number.
OK, so I did it again. Got a woman?
I'm like, yeah, I'm not taking the bait on this.
Sorry. I got the wrong number, you
know? And next thing you know, I call
and say, hey, is this Michael? He's like, yeah, this is
Michael. Ended up being a Michael IT.
Was a Michael and and I was like, hey, how you doing?
And we started talking and he's like, I'm so you know, you
originally asked for Michael. He's like, do obviously am I the
right Michael? I mean, like, do we know each
other? I said no, I was calling to talk
to my brother. Obviously you're not my brother.
I'm like, so are are you stationed there?
Maybe you know him? You know, I'm like, yeah,
Michael such and such. And I came up with some
ridiculous last name and he's like, no, I, I don't think I
know him. And I said, oh, OK, well, what
are you doing tonight? I'm calling the officers
quarters like I'm fucking an officer tonight, you know?
And Needless to say, he's like, well, you know, it's a Saturday
night. I'm, I'm here at the barracks
all by myself, you know, I'm an officer.
So I've got my own room. You want to come over?
I'm like, absolutely. I'm like, bye, Rachel.
I'll see you later. First first real guy you got a
hold of? First, yes.
And so we let you know I left. We left the apartment.
I, you know, locked up and I drove over to fucking base, met
Michael at the door and what do you know, he's got my favorite
car. It's like a 76 Stingray
Corvette. I was like, oh, nice car.
He's like, yeah, that's mine. I'm like, I like you already.
So I fucked him that night. Fucking fabulous.
It was great. He was only here for a short
time. I end up seeing him a few more
times. So technically it wasn't a wide
night stand, but initially I thought it was going to be.
That's cool. That's a good one.
I like that one. It was great.
Like a natural one. Fuck yeah.
Natural. Unnatural.
And he didn't pre come in my fucking comforter.
My God. Yeah, but it was a great story.
It was fun. Yeah, you got a couple good
stories. Oh, girlfriend I.
Like blocked my mouth. You can't.
You gotta dig deep. I gotta dig deep by that sticks.
Because I know I've had, I know I've had quite a few, but it's
just like I really blocking him out.
I feel like I remember that one guy that was a spear fisherman,
but like I remember having sex with him, but I know he had sex.
Oh. My gosh.
You know what I mean? Like, just like moments like
that. I was like wow.
Yeah. Well I just one popped up into
my head when I was younger. Young young people who know me
When I was younger I had this boyfriend and he cheated on me
by kissing a girl right in front of me and I was going to be a
bitch so I fucked his friends. Fuck yeah.
Invited them over to my house, got them to sneak into my
sister's window and I was had one in my room and was going to
wait for the other one like y'all can take turns.
I should have had them both in there.
I would have been able to get away with it.
But my mom heard or my dog heard something and ran outside.
Somebody's here, somebody's here, the dog and then my mom
walks in on my sister. She didn't lock the door or
nothing. Windows wide open, grown man
sitting on her bed. She said what the fuck?
I can hear it's going on in there.
It's like, God Dang, I can't hide it no more.
So my mom found out about all this and yes, I was fucking all
his friends. Wow, That was two of his
friends. I only had one left.
Wow, I didn't get it. I actually looked him up on
Facebook recently. He got a little chubby.
He's got four daughters now. That's.
Awesome. Yeah, I was like, yeah, that was
my horror. Story.
Oh my God, that's what we should do.
We should go back on guys we've had sex with.
Oh my God, and see what they look like and.
See what they look like on Facebook.
Oh my God, that's a good one. Got to remember some names
because I was like when I was younger, especially in freaking
middle school, people were, I was in the bathroom a lot with
like boys. I had a couple girls I kissed on
the bus, you know, like I was, I was a little hoe for sure.
I don't even know how. I don't know how I didn't end up
more Hoey than I was because of how I was in middle school.
Like you thought that I'd be bad, but I wasn't.
Wow, wow, that's awesome. Because I was getting fingered
by people before I even lost my virginity.
That's great. Yeah, we can go back on that one
day and just start looking up people.
Hey, I'm down. Yeah, that'd be fun.
I'm so down. I got to think of some names, so
I don't want to look him up. I'm going to be able to look him
up while we're on the podcast so we get the actual reaction.
I think that'd be really. Cool, that's awesome.
Look at this fat book. Or wow, he looked older.
Shit. It's going to be great.
I love it, I think it'll be a lot of fun.
I love it already. All right, so Liv, we got to
wrap it up. I know we've been talking
forever. Sorry guys, not sorry.
You love us, and that's why you're still here.
All right, so until then, this has been the latest episode of
Call Me Mistress.