Hi and welcome to the latest episode of Call Me Mistress.
I'm your Hostess, Mistress Mia, and you know my sidekick, Madame
Lev. Me.
Good morning. Good morning.
Good. Morning.
How are you, lady? I'm I'm doing pretty good,
pretty chip chip Puray, I don't know.
You did. That was fabulous.
That was great. Oh wait, that's Australian.
Yeah, you go Australian real quick.
That's too funny. My husband, when he starts doing
the British accent, he can't fucking do it.
And I'm like, your grandmother is from fucking Manchester,
like. Hello, just copy her.
Wait, does he do it like as like a stemming?
Well look, his grandma passed so she's not around anymore, but
she had an adorable little accent and what the fuck is
stemming? Like when you're have ADHD
you'll just be like like just randomly blurred out in a
different accent. No, we just randomly do shit
like this and we start talking and I'm like, hey, give me your
best, your breast. I'm going to you.
Blah blah blah blah, give me your best British accent and he
cannot do it and I'm like my God.
You're I want to hear him do it now.
Oh, it's terrible. I love it.
It's to where to laugh at him. It's almost like Chinese meets
meets American. Like I'm like what the fuck is
that? I can't wait to hear.
That is not British, but I did see a video of, you know,
Princess Diana. God, she was incredible.
And I know this is kind of like before your time, you know, when
she got married in the 80s and every I.
Watched all the documentaries. Did you?
Yeah. See.
So, you know, you appreciate it. But I saw in her funeral where
Queen Elizabeth broke protocol and actually bowed to her, you
know, And I was like, oh, that's so sad.
So sad. Seemed to be like she was like
this lovely, beautiful woman and yeah, life to be taken so early.
We're talking about British accents.
And then you showed me that picture.
God. So Liv decides to fuck with my
brain this early in the morning, where's my coffee?
And tells me, oh, doesn't this look like Cookie Monster?
And it's a picture of this woman's crunched up stomach
meets her big ass titties and she thinks it's sexy and she's
got like, fucked up areolas. So almost look like the Cookie
Monster with the googly eyes. Not that's yeah, her areola was
like too far over. Way far over.
It was weird, I'm watching a nipple that offset and maybe if
they were both offset it made sense, but they're both in two
different spots on her boobs so it looks like cookie monster.
Like a little crosshair. Well, you know this lovely
woman. You have not met her yet.
OK. She usually comes to all of our
events. Super great lady.
She actually had a breast augmentation done from this
local surgeon. Well, she didn't do her research
because I he's got lawsuits against him and he fucked up her
titties. Now they're big, they're plump,
they're very pretty, but both of her nipples are facing the wrong
direction, like they go outwards instead of forwards.
My mind go outward instead of forwards just naturally and see
my. Brother-in-law, really I OK.
Slightly. I'll show you later.
OK. And so.
Don't give me that face. There's like a little disgusting
flop. No go.
OK me this way it's. OK, you can show me your
titties. I will.
My fucking left titties killing me this morning.
Let. Me see it?
I don't know why you're sick. But anyway, so then my
brother-in-law, he goes the same fucking surgeon and he, they
fucked up his nose bad. Yeah.
And I was like, you guys need to get your shit checked.
Like you need to do some Google searches and they didn't do
fucking Google searches on this fucker.
But that's scary, Yeah. Those are two very important
parts of your body. So Liv and I, we were talking
just a few moments ago and we were saying that she was always
naked as a kid. Yeah, it was.
Well, I was too. He was.
You're welcome. I think we are.
We are a lot more like. We are a lot like we really are,
but I I started putting clothes on by the time I was 6.
Oh, I was like 16, yeah. No, no, because I had.
I was in my room, I never was outside of my room.
Like people knew that I was naked so knock on the door and
not cover up or my sister would just barge in and she wouldn't
give 2 fucks. She was like, all right, there's
naked on her chair. Gotcha.
Well I always slept naked so you know people would know that
about me too. Did you sleep naked too?
No. I.
Was like, I'm still not over the Austin Powers.
I fucking love Austin Powers, but I love it when he goes.
Gives me the ebb jeebies. He really gave Mike Myers.
I think he's so fun. He's fine.
For sure, but he still gives me the ebb jeebies.
Ohh well he I think his character is supposed to give
you perv vibes because he's a fucking perv in it.
That's what he's supposed to be. Yeah, well, it gave me.
It was right on cue, baby. But you know, for years I did
not know that, that the actual scene where he has the Japanese
twins come up to him and he said he's like, Oh my God, twins,
twins. Basil, you know, and she's like,
my name is Fuk Yul. Her name is Fuk Me.
Yeah, you didn't notice that Well.
No, what? I didn't notice was that's
Carrie Anne Arbar from Dancing With the Stars judge.
Really. Yes.
Wow, that was her. And I was like fuck Carrie Anne
you big slut. That was great.
She just, she did so great in that little acting scene.
She should have done more. Yeah, she was always beautiful,
honestly. But anywho, let's see, we're
being talked today. I was, oh, I was thinking about
sex in general. We haven't you just all live
space. Well, I mean, I'm thinking, you
know, we're we both always like, you know, walked around naked
and, you know, just being so casual.
And I think that, you know, people put, you know, things in
a sexual nature and sometimes they shouldn't.
But then I was my brain was going over to that cookie
monster titty picture you sent me and then I was like, you
know, I don't I'm not king shaming but people post pictures
on fat that aren't flattering and I'm like you and I take
multiple pictures of like one shot of 1 scene just to try to
get it. Right.
Yeah, at least one picture out of 50 would turn out right.
Yeah, and you know, but damn, some people just don't care when
they post these pictures or they think they look really good and
they don't. Yeah, I know.
Or then is it just me being a superficial bitch and be like.
Well, OK, so how I think about it is if they're feeling
beautiful and it's their body, they can't really change certain
things about their body. And if they're feeling
beautiful, let them feel beautiful.
But I do not feel like Fetlife is for like, nudity, like where
you're supposed to be for fetishes, not hey, let's fuck
each other, you know, just get naked and.
Well, you know a lot of them, they gear towards sex when they
think BDSM. Well, I do think it's a very
sexual game. Yeah, and I think that a lot of
the guys on there, they want to show their Dicks.
So it's still a sexual connotation, the women, you
know? Yeah, we.
Don't really need to see it though.
We don't need to see Dicks. Bite your tongue.
I like to see Dick pictures. I just like to see classy.
Dick pictures, classy Dick pictures, or even the ones where
they're like caged up. Or have like really hard CBT?
Yes. I really like seeing.
Those. Yeah.
But you're like, kinky.
It's still. But you know, so much of the
BDSM that you do in the bedroom, I mean, it correlates back to
sex. I mean, yeah, I guess you're
right. You're just like I want to see
more BDFM not facts. Well, you know, I do like seeing
it. I just wish that it was, you
know, more more related to BDSM. Like I like the role play and I
like not that I don't like seeing naked women.
Yes, I'll be all about it. And I do like seeing dates.
I'm just saying like, I don't know, I just I'd like to see
more BDSM. Maybe I just didn't like
people's start following different people or something.
You want a little one-on-one class with Punky I?
Don't know who that is. Is that your cat?
No, you would have met her at the party.
Oh, wait. She is the big sexy blonde and
she was doing a rope scene in the dungeon at one point, did
you not? I was not in there.
You were not in there. I saw people in the rope play,
but it was so. Crowded.
It was jammed. And like they, she really had an
audience. And I was like, well, you know,
OK, I just kept walking. I wasn't able to get, I wasn't
able to squeeze in there. I mean, even people were in the
mud room like. We got to get her to rope class
because. Like give her more room. 100.
Percent, she's gonna have more audience to be able to see
because I mean, yeah, short people in the back, people can't
see. 100% well, we'll have to do that.
She's. This class is on loud how you
tie and yes, I didn't be a great thing and her name.
'S who? Punky blonde punky.
Blonde, yes. She's an amazing cat.
Tiger Lily. Oh really?
Yeah. That is not my cat.
That is my mother's. I do not claim that little
fucker. OK, so my thought is punky.
For some reason, no, my husband yesterday went out and he was
getting the mail, taking the trash cans and putting them to
the curb. Right.
Well, he sees his poor little squirrel and we get big
squirrels too. You know, a lot of the neighbors
feed the squirrels and we're getting ready to put another
feeder outside. But pretty.
Little squirrel, he was so adorable.
And so he's laying there and, you know, my husband went up to
make sure that he was OK. And so he he picked the squirrel
up because my little Twila went up to smell the squirrel.
And so he picked the squirrel up and he put it up over on this
this ledge and he was looking at the squirrel and he's like, oh,
you know, I think he's dead. And he knew then it had to be my
mother's cat. And that little fucker, he snuck
back around. He's like, oh, my God, where's
my meat? Where's my kill, you know?
And he's like, oh, you know, he's like dodging things.
He's looking around. He's like, where the fuck did he
go? And finally he sees where my
husband put it. And he jumped up on there and he
got it. And he put it in his mouth.
And I'm like, oh, you little fuck.
And then, of course, my husband took pictures of it.
I was like, God, he's like, yeah, I'm going to show your
mother what a terrible cat you have.
Terrible cat she has. Not me.
Terrible cat she has. Poor Kitty, this is just being a
cat. I know, but still you know.
You're thinking of like, like a movie, like a cartoon movie
where the cat's always chasing the mouse or the mouse is the
good guy. Oh yeah.
Sometimes the cat could be the good guy and he's just chasing
the mouse because that's what God made her to do.
Look, I don't like mice. I really don't.
I don't like brodens in general, but I don't want to see that.
And my thing of it is there's plenty of rats in the woods.
It's like, go kill a rat that's still.
Rats or mice? Yeah, they're disgusting.
Don't kill a sweet, beautiful squirrel.
They have a nice fluffy tail. It's a tree rat.
They're so sweet though, yeah. Sometimes you know they're
making nests in the wrong spots, or they're.
Good. You know, they eat the acorns so
we don't have to pick them up and they're cool.
I love squirrels. OK.
I I just fucking don't like rats.
They're disgusting. They're just a.
Different kind of rat. They are.
They're disgusting, but. OK.
Anyway, so remind me I have to tell you a story about this
after but anywho. But sexual aspects of you know
BDSM and then we correlate it back to fetlife and and sex in
general. So do you want to talk about a
sexy story? Like what?
Of sex. Like like my scenes?
Yeah, but you and your real life.
I think all my scenes are slightly about me.
All right, well, how about this? How about this?
Because I, I was reading this article the other day and it was
basically about how you connect with a new partner.
Now again, we don't have to talk about my nephew.
By all means, you can. You can.
That's why you switched up real quick.
I did. I have very clear on this.
But I'm thinking about when you meet somebody, say it's a one
night stand, right, you don't know it's going to be good.
No. So my thing of it is there's
certain things that guys should do.
They don't necessarily know to do these things, and considering
that 70% of our listeners are men, they really need to know,
hey, this is what you should do, yes.
Vacation, yes, and then if they just know the right ways to
touch a woman, even if you don't have good Dick, that person will
remember you, yes, you know, just touched.
Exactly what have been some of your experiences?
Has there been like some fails, like oh God I'll never fuck him
again? Oh yeah, all the time.
Men think they got it and then their shit don't stink or
they're like, well, I'm never going to see you again, so I'm
just going to get mine and not worry about anything.
So it's just like, you know, just kind of gross.
Did they tell you the story about, you know, when I'm
touching this, I know the microphone's picking this up.
I'm like thinking about Dick and feet and I'm rubbing my fucking.
Big ass coffee cup. Yeah, OK.
So. That was the noise you made.
I'm thinking of a big cock like. That's not what they sound like.
Maybe if you like blow on the tip, you know when you like, you
blow on a bottle. You know, like, like maybe and
we'll try that later. Do I speak whales?
I. Mean they come out like shoots
up like a whale. Yes, spark or blowhole.
God, there's so many topics we can go from here.
We lately been talking about nothing and everything at the
same time. Fuck.
OK, All right, so we're talking about sexual experiences, but I
will tell you you brought up feet.
OK, while you're thinking of your story, I'll tell you one of
my stories. OK, so I went to meet a foot
guy. I went somewhere to meet him and
he reserved a room at a hotel. OK, so it was by a casino.
So I told my mother. Did I tell you the story before
I. Don't know, probably.
But I told my mother and my sister-in-law, who will be your
potential mother-in-law one day. God, I'm so sorry.
I told them. I said, hey, look, I'll drop you
both off at the casino. I'm going to go over here and
I'm going to meet this foot fetishist.
I drop them off and I bring a big bag of shoes, different
shoes that he can, you know, feel and do whatever else he
does. In this session.
I had this one pair of shoes. I, I've had them for years.
I love them. They're like they're goldish,
copperish color. They're sequin, they're pretty
and they're kind of open toed and they kind of open on the
sides and that kind of thing. So I do the session and during
the session he likes to take his Dick and rub it in the sole of
my shoes. Now mind you he's got baby oil.
I have baby oil all over my feet.
He has baby oil all over his Dick.
And then therefore my shoes are covered in baby oil on the
inside. Now I wear a size 9.
OK, my sister-in-law is a 7 1/2. She thought as she sits in the
back seat that she was just going to be nosy because she's
very nosy since she goes through my duffel bag with all my shoes.
And she's like why are you bringing all these shoes?
And she says you know, I love shoes.
Well of course she starts trying them on.
Well the first pair I didn't even use for the session.
She tried those on no issue. Second pair she tries on and
she's like oh baby. Well she said why are they so
oily? I said, well, you just found a
pair of shoes that he put his penis in and she's like, oh God.
You know, I mean, it's kind of her fault.
You can't be going through stuff like that.
Yeah, so I'm like, why the fuck are you going through my shoes?
In this bag, I think that's completely rude.
Well, she was my babysitter when I was four years old.
If my mom goes through my bag, yeah, it is rude, yes.
You have to at least ask, hey, is it alright if I go through
this bag, you know, is there anything that's going to be?
Uncomfortable. I'm telling you your soon to be
mother-in-law has zero fucking boundaries.
So. Sorry.
Well, I'll say something. Yeah, so that's the kind of shit
she would do. And then she, yeah, she went
through them. And I'm like, well, you just
had, you know, some Dick juice on your feet, but good for you.
Consequences. Isn't that funny?
But you know the funnier part? She was so grossed out by it
that a few years later she ended up coming to the dungeon and
seeing the same guy in the dungeon with oil on her feet.
Yeah. Turn of events, Yeah, girl.
Oh, that's funny. Isn't that funny shit?
OK, I didn't have a story when I brought up feet.
No, not feet, but like one night stand.
Oh yeah. What was your one night stand
story? Like a like a good one.
Good or bad? I feel like most of them are bad
because if they were good I'd keep them around.
Well, my thing of it is so men can learn what they should do
and what they should not do. We'll never.
Ask, hey, does that feel good? That's so annoying that sit
there and say no or yes or maybe just lie to not hurt your ego.
Like I'm definitely not going to see you again, especially if I'm
having to say no, but I'm not going to tell you no because
that's going to hurt your feelings.
You don't want to hear that, okay?
Because then you work. It's not hard enough.
It'll break you a little bit. So don't ask that question.
So do you ever give them instructions on what to do?
Well, usually I don't let them do anything if they're the first
time I'm doing it. I don't let them do anything
that they feel like they have to learn how to do.
Like if you're eating me out, you got to have some time there
and I'm I'm using you once. I'm not doing it.
Unless you got like a really good kiss here and you're like,
maybe they'd be good at it and just kind of let them do it.
So First off, Liv is sitting on the couch with her legs spread.
But she's covered up with a blanket.
But she's facing me like, yeah, they're going to spend some time
down there. They're like my Kitty cat much
on a girl. Chew on my bubble gum.
OK, so so is it safe to say you're a little submissive and
bad? For sure.
So roles are reversed.
You're you're submissive in bed. You're, you're telling him, do
you give him instructions on what to do when it comes to
like, oral pleasure? Well, if I know him, you know,
you know, when you're submissive, you don't want to
hurt their feelings you, but you want to, you want to have
communication because you want to feel good eventually, you
know what I mean? And then if I keep somebody
around, if I know this one's like, hey, this one's got a
little bit of potential, I'll keep him around and then maybe
I'll end up liking him. Or maybe you just wear just sex.
Yeah. But yeah, then I start giving
like, oh, do it right there. I'll like, move his head to
where? It's supposed to be OK.
All right, I get it. And I was gonna say you said
something like you really don't even like your ass licked.
I don't like anal my my butt hole licked.
It doesn't have any like nerves like that for some reason.
Gotcha. I like the perineum or the tank
or whatever you want to fucking call.
I think it's a gross word, but. Perineum is better than tank.
Yeah, Tank. Sounds so gross even for a guy.
Disgusting. But the little piece of skin in
between both of them, I think it's like just close enough
where it feels like when you're going to The Dirty spot, but it
still feels good because it's got a bunch of nerves there.
Yeah, All right. So aside from licking your
taint, I said it just for you. Tainty.
The tainty dainty, tainty, tainty.
Tainty. Tainty.
Oh my God, that's cute. You like that?
Dainty, tainty. Yeah, I like that.
And now I'll lick somebody else's ass.
Not a new person, yeah, but like if I'm close enough with them.
Yeah. Definitely.
I've like three guys, assholes in my life.
OK, right on. I.
Don't know, it's just nice to please them in a different way.
I think so too. I think so too, and especially
when you're giving them a nice little hand job.
I was getting a blowjob, getting all that.
Shit in the wet. Damn.
Yeah. I'm pretty ruthless, right?
I might seem innocent, but there is no innocents here.
It wouldn't work in my relationship if there was.
Good to know, all right. The face.
You know, if that's how you can win somebody over, honestly,
when you're inside and, you know, because I think everybody
has some type of, you know, sexual talent.
Oh yeah. Like somebody be like, like, I
have this one friend. Yeah, the girl I used to be
sleeping with. Yeah.
She can ride backwards on a Dick like nobody business for as long
as you can go. And I'm like, I can't do that
once. Like I can't do it the way she
does it at all, not even a little bit.
I don't have that talent at all. But I give blowjobs like
nobody's business. I'm with you.
She can't do that, but she can do she can do some things and I
can do some things. So if you put us both together,
we're like the perfect. Woman, I bet right on.
That's why it's good to have varieties, because there's some
things I can't do. Yeah, I understand that.
I understand. Like the gripper, I can grip a
little bit, but not like that. That was something else.
Forever the Griswold gripper. You know what I'm sensing we
need to have AT shirt made for her?
Oh my God she would like this. She's so cute.
Fucking love that the Griswold gripper and nobody will know.
Nobody would know. Yes.
And she would be able to just, you know, proudly wear that
shit. Yes.
She would love it, yes. OK, Yeah, that's what we'll.
Do. We'll do that for.
Her, Absolutely. Griswold Gripper.
We got to think of a cute little like.
Name for him now? Yeah.
Wait, who's the name for who? For her husband.
I thought he was Griswold. Well, he's Griswold, but he's
not a gripper. I've never met him.
Yeah, you did. We don't like conceptual immuno.
Oh yeah, yeah. Well, there.
You go. I mean, there's got you've.
Met him as a person but not as a sexual abject in bed.
Yeah, I don't think I ever will though.
No. Well, no, because your boyfriend
doesn't want you. I'm saying I've been around
another guy naked and yeah, like sexually meeting them.
But like, I'm not saying like I have to like fuck them.
The No, that's true. I didn't.
You can't really fuck a woman. But I can stick my finger in
there and I'm like, God damn, You think he's got a tight
asshole? He could be a gripper, too.
I don't know about that. He's my dear friends.
We don't discuss things like that about nothing.
He has a special name for me. Uh huh.
So yeah. Oh, you're talking about like
that. Yeah, we're very good friends.
We're not sexual friends, but we're very good.
No, I. Meant like the name that you
were saying that you wanted to give them.
It could have been not sexual. You didn't give me no context on
that, so I was. Going on sex.
This conversation was supposed to be all about.
Sex it was. I don't know where we're on
anymore. This is how we talk in real.
Life, this is so. It's all over the place.
This is our conversations all the time.
We have a little bit of structure when we're on the air.
See, this is the thing when we do the video podcast, we really
have to stay on topic. I know this is so hard.
Yeah, you know? And it's OK because people kind
of know that we kind of go fucking everywhere.
But maybe they like that quality about us, I mean.
That's, I mean, that's what we do.
So I mean, and they like our podcast.
Maybe we can get some comments on that.
Tell us what you think there. You go, there you go.
I mean, we always get positive feedback.
We really do now. I've had people at the very
beginning, beginning years ago when I first started, I would
laugh so fucking much at my old friend.
And so I had to stop that. It's just like, it's really hard
to not laugh at things. People were just like, there was
one person, I, they wrote me a review and it's like, oh, that
hideous laughing. And I think it was somebody who
I know who fucking hates me. Oh, I was like, that's what
that's mean. I know.
Well, yeah, because I was like, you know, everyone else that
I've met, they're just like, oh, I love your laugh, but I'm like,
you can laugh too much sometimes.
Though Yeah, I guess. I mean, it's like repetitive and
like kind of like obnoxious. Yeah, no one wants to hear that
all the time. And I get it.
We're laughing all the time. We do, but sometimes I have to
take out some of my laughter because it's a lot.
Yes, it's a lot. See, I'm doing it again.
Giggle. You have a cute little giggle.
Thank you. I think you're partial though.
Let's get back to tainty. OK, Dainty, tainty, dainty,
tainty. OK.
So yeah, I wouldn't say necessarily I gosh.
You don't like any part of yourself like down there.
Oh yeah, no, I'm good with oral, trust me.
I'm saying like on your butt. Oh yeah.
You like that? Oh yeah, I do.
I like that. But now, you know, I'm married
to somebody who is. He was total.
It's like this total neat freak. Anti ass eater.
Well, yeah, he's not a particular person that he would
like to do that. You know, I think when I make
him do it, I would be like, he was in bondage and I'm just like
sitting on his face to torture him.
So that's OK. But you know, I also told a
certain person that if he quit smoking all together, I.
Know who that person is? You know who?
That person is that he could lick my ass.
So you know I'm all about sticking to my word.
Now, he hasn't said anything more about it, but, you know,
I'm open to it. But it's just, you know, it's
one of those things where it's like, it's really intimate.
So it's like, I think I might have to wear, you know, panties
and. That doesn't make it fun.
Well, it can make it fun. Why don't?
You do like edible panties. Oh my God, What?
You're so gross. That's a.
Good idea Or like damn a fruit roll up or something you know
what I'm saying? I don't want to eat no cotton
ass. I want to feel the skin and it
pulsating in my mouth. You are hardcore.
I'm not letting them go down in my vagina.
That's not, I didn't say vagina. I'm just clarifying on this.
You know a butt pulses too whenever you get going.
I'm, I'm aware, I'm aware. No.
So back to oral sex. So anyway, I used to go, God,
this door is wide open. It's like, God, I hope my
mother's completely deaf. But anyway, there used to be
this really cute guy. My friend Crystal would always
say, oh, caramel. Oh yeah, he was a caramel God,
he was hot. Anywho, he was a.
Caramel. That sounded racist.
He was a caramel. Like what?
No, he was a black man, obviously, but he he just had a
really pretty hue to his skin color and it was like caramel.
So I would call my little caramel lover.
And so he was really fantastic in bed.
He really was. He was gentle and just sexy.
But let me tell you, the oral capabilities of this man I've
still never had yet to this day. Yeah, I feel like that's going
to be my ex-husband. He was good at doing that.
Oh yeah, 'cause. You know, he would come so fast
that he kind of had to do it. So he was always on it so and he
had to work on it. OK.
And we were. Together for 13 years.
See, now I hit the microphone. God it.
Was just chaos today. Total chaos.
I got dogs over here, dogs over there, my mom downstairs.
But yeah, so I mean, I think though when the longer you're
with somebody, the better they're going to get it stuff.
If they're willing to learn, you know, they think they're just
good at it. They're just going to keep going
the way they think they're going.
Yeah, Instead of listening to you.
See, the only thing about like someone like, well, like with
your ex-husband, he was a virgin when you met him and he's only
been with you. Yeah, so he learned that shit.
So he, yeah. So you have to really learn
that. See, with, with my husband, it's
more or less like, hey, we're going to do bondage and you're
going to be forced to do this because I think he likes the
aspect of being forced, you know?
But other times it's nice to be like, hey, get over here, do
this, you know, but everyone's different.
Everyone is different. But I will say that my caramel
lover from years ago was absolutely incredible and bad.
Just just saying. So I think certain people stick
out, you know, And he wasn't one of those guys that had him like
a massive Dick. Because I told you I'm not all
about that massive Dick. I don't think it's about the
Dick, it's about the head it. Is it is.
You know the the G spot's only like 2 inches in there?
Yeah, all you need is 2 inches. You need a good.
Head. No kidding.
No, I mean I want to live. In one or two inches.
But you know, we do like a little.
More I do like, I mean a finger I can get out of the finger for
the rest of my life if I had a really good finger in there.
I still need showing you the picture of the guy that has had
the 26 inch cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I forgot. I did not know.
Yeah, see, I've told this story to people before, but he was the
one when I first met him, we had talked and when we were talking
at some point in time, he ended up having to go into the
hospital because the pressure with the constant blood flow
going to his stick, it affected his heart.
He couldn't get like a reduction.
Well, he had to go get a reduction, but they only do
those types of reductions at the time in California.
They couldn't, they couldn't do them here.
So he went before he went and got this reduction.
You know, he was in the hospital.
They said, OK, we've got to schedule the reduction, blah,
blah, blah. But for now, you have to live
with it for the next, you know, couple of months.
And he couldn't break away because he was taking care of
his elderly parents, so he couldn't leave the house
normally unless he had a plan setter.
So I'm like, you know what, I'm going to come and meet you.
You seem like a nice guy. I knew him through a friend.
And of course, when I met him, he came out in his garage and I
was like, you know, he's wearing long shorts, but he had to make
sure they were extra long, you know, And my God, that glory
when he like pulled his pants a little bit down and then just
kind of pulled out that fucking bat out of his pants.
I was like. What that's that's too much?
I wouldn't know what to do with it.
I mean, there was no way you really can have sex comfortably
with it. Serious.
No, no way. You know, I mean you can.
Get like the head in and that'll be it.
You could get more than the head.
So it was thin. No, it wasn't thin.
It wasn't a fucking coke can though either.
OK, so it's like a just a earthier Dick normal and then
just really fucking long. It was thick.
It was like the mini cans, put it that way.
I could do that. It's still pretty big, but yeah,
at the time I was like, I just want to, you know, suck his
Dick. And you know, he didn't even
have. Balls like a tree.
Exactly. He didn't even have massive
balls either. So anywho, just picking it up
was like like I was a flautist in in grade school.
So I was like, I can't hold it sideways like a flute, but I
sure can't play the fucking clarinet right here.
That's cool, I would have liked to do it just to say that I did
it, but I feel bad for him for like long term relationships.
Yeah, well, and this guy was amazing.
He went and he took care of his dying girlfriend.
She was dying of cancer, took care of her, took care of his
elderly parents. One had Alzheimer's.
I mean like he did nothing but give give give.
And God definitely gave him back they.
Sure did. Well he has this disorder that
even after he had the reduction it still grows so it doesn't
even matter. So the blood just still fills it
up. Yes.
Even after reduction. That's wild.
Well, and it's going to continue to grow, period.
That's the issue. And it is a condition, I forget
what it's called, but there is a condition with that.
So, you know, this has been, you know, 11-12 years ago, one of
them snoring. I know you can hear it.
Yeah, it's been like 11-12 years.
And that's Twila over there snoring behind you.
And that's sweet. But.
But anyway, I can now imagine that it's grown even more
because they cut it down to 9 inches.
That's doable 9 inches for some people.
At least somebody can handle. Yeah, that's great.
Yeah, it's just fabulous. So now I don't.
Know still pretty big. I would like maybe like a 8,
seven and a half. Yeah, I think he's just cool to
look at. I mean, yeah, but not for a long
term relationship. I'm not.
It's hard to take. I told you about that one guy
and he was cordless phone guy and ginormous.
I mean, we couldn't even connect having sex, you know, because he
had to go for so far back, you know?
Yeah. Crazy.
I know all these men. You know all men want a big
Dick. You know they want it.
But even when they have it, they they still complain about it.
They still complain. It doesn't matter.
They just want bigger, bigger, bigger.
Yeah, and. Then when they're too big, you
talk to somebody as too big of a Dick and they're like, I just
wish it was normal. Yeah.
Just so I can please my woman. That's all it's about.
It's just pleasing your woman. You think that a bigger one's
going to please her? No.
It's about how you work it. Exactly, exactly.
All right, I think we've bored them enough with our handshakes.
This one's been quite interesting.
Oh, my God, it's been interesting.
We're going to edit some of this shit anyway.
Until then, you know what? The sirloin.
You always look at me like, Oh, oh, you're in the headlights.
Oh, is it then? Oh, do I need to say something?
I love it. Sorry.
I'll redo that. All right, Liv, it's been fun.
So you want to tell everyone goodbye?
Goodbye. It's the latest episode of.
Call me Mistress.