Hi, welcome to the latest episode of Call Me Mistress.
I'm your Hostess, Mistress Mia, and I've got my favorite girl
next to me. It's the Barbie.
Hi. You always fucking wave your
hands, bitch. They cannot see you.
Heart of the. Pymes, I have to wave at
everybody. You know I.
Doesn't sound as genuine if I don't wave when I say hi.
Oh my God, I've been doing these video podcast episodes.
I saw, I saw. And for some reason people like
it, so it's whatever makes them more.
Intimate it feels like you're on like FaceTime, like you're there
it. Does.
They probably feel like they're there with you.
Maybe. They're sitting in your lap
listening to you talk. Oh, they're always with me.
Speaking of, you know, I get the nicest emails, and people have
gone back and they've listened to our old episodes of You and
Me, and they think that we're just fucking hilarious.
And Barbie's hilarious. And I'm like, yeah, no shit.
You need to like, see her. Like, this is you.
And you're always funny and you're always jovial.
Y'all should hear me when the mics are not on.
Yeah, then we could have real bloopers.
That's what we need. Yeah, that's classified
information. That is a OK.
So Barbie, you and I did this scene together.
We did a four hour smoking session.
We did. We did do.
A four hour smoking session. You know, I brought it up a
couple times, but this guy, Cupcake, he is fucking on point,
sweet, kind, very. Attentive.
Oh, my God, he had these gift bags ready for you and I, And
you know, he writes me almost every day.
He is working on himself. He said to me, he's like, you
don't know how much of a difference you've made between
you and Barbie in my life. How?
Sweet. I think he wrote me a few days
ago. I haven't opened it yet.
And he'll read it, yeah. He's working on his physical
fitness, his diet. Oh yeah.
Like he's losing weight. He's getting in shape.
So he goes from a cupcake to a nice like round pastry are.
You going to be a little cannoli?
A nice cannoli. Well, he looked like a.
Pig in the blanket during the session because for the majority
of the four hours we had him in a pig masked Saran wrapped.
Yeah, the pig mask came on and off but it was fun.
We haven't used it in a minute. It kind of gave a saw trap vibe
to the whole Rd. Well, you know, with the green
lights we had going that day, all the smoke, fog machines.
You weren't here, but about two years ago, three years ago, we
had Charles and the pic mask. We had another guy in the dog
mask and we were making them like fuck each other in a in a
way that it was like. And it sounds illegal.
We did have fucked up Friday. We we had them put like butt
plugs in their ass, each other's ass.
Out on Spotify now go watch it. That was not on Spotify.
No Spotify. Wouldn't let us do it.
You know, I also had an experience with Charles in the
pig mask. I think it was one of the first
times I met Charles. I hadn't really seen his face,
but he was tied to the Gurney in the pig mask outside, and I had
that fire baton and this guy was like, yeah, go ahead and hit
him. It was like, what?
Yeah, I just didn't ride in the nuts.
So I think the first time I met Charles I was whacking him in
the nuts with a giant fire baton while he was in a pig mask.
Right. Yeah, small world.
Yeah, right before you got up there, he had poured, you know,
the liquid stuff to light the fire.
And he was like, yeah, he's like, here, I'm going to do the
same thing. I'm like, because I got to hit
Charles''s test to Golson, all that good stuff in his Dick.
Yeah, I was. Like fuck.
God, do more fire in the dungeon.
Yeah, we don't do enough of that.
We do not. Just fire, breathe on people.
And that's what you do. You fire Brie.
I did at the party. That was very fun.
What else do you do when you go to different venues, you
different parties and stuff? Depending on like what's going
on, I do like some parties I'll do like Dom services.
Sometimes they want like atmosphere.
I feel like that's kind of I get booked for that.
It's like you can call it gogoing or whatever.
Basically, you get to go be pretty, but you get to go walk
around. Like I do like like burlesque.
I do like fire dancing. I have like fire fans and all
that kind of stuff. So I'll go dance.
I'll do a little spin, you know, make a couple ones.
You know, you're so modest about the fire though, because the
last party we had, you and your friend went out there and you're
like spinning fire. You're breathing fire.
I'm like, what the fuck can't you do?
Hey, I'm a bored girl, I like to learn new things.
Yeah, I mean, it was real impressive.
Jackal Trades. Yeah, it was impressive.
Thank you. And everybody loved it.
Well, you could sing real well. I heard you had a party once
singing opera. I did.
So next party, I'm just kidding.
Joint fire? Opera performance.
Well, you know what? We If we get a pianist for our
next party a. Penis I'm.
Sorry. Yeah, we got plenty of penises.
No, If we get a pianist at the next party, I'll.
Sing. I'll do a little jig next to the
piano. Yeah, I'll do a little.
I'll bring my tap shoes. I can't tap pants.
Could you imagine? I learned for this.
Right, That'd be funny shit. But yeah, we can do that.
It'd be fun. Let's get back to the session
before they yell at us for getting off top.
Oh, I know. OK, so he comes in.
I went and I ran, wrapped them. You come in.
I was a little late. And well, yeah, so we're at this
situation and he brings us all these different types of
cigarettes. And cigars of a nice variety.
It was a great fucking. I've never had the little.
Slim minis it was, I have before.
Those are so cool, yeah. It was a very interesting
selection being the only two options being a variety of
Virginia Slims and then Black and Mild, just the two spectrums
of like cigarette consumption there.
You know what I want for the next session we do with him?
I want to get one of the long cigarette holders.
Oh. Like Carla de Ville.
Fuck yes, let's do it. That'd be badass.
Chopsticks. Yeah, whatever.
Because we got him. We got our guy Smokey.
I sent him a courtesy picture of you blowing.
Smokey, come see me, right? Yeah, he lives about an hour
away. I love smoking sessions, I
really do. I know, they're so much fun.
They really are. I mean, my thing of it is I'm a
little asthmatic. And you don't like the smell?
I don't and I, you know, I really don't like to smoke
because of my voice, but I love to help and do the fetish and I
love to do the fetish for people.
I love it too. It's always just so fun because
it's just, it's just a cool vibe to it.
You know what? I.
Mean And you and I are the only ones that I've ever known in all
these years to maintain the session without getting sick.
Really. Yes.
All these women that I've ever done sessions with, they've gone
outside, they've thrown up, they've gotten sick.
And this is just like, you know, 5050 to 120 minute sessions.
That's I. Guess my time and the punk rock
scene really did me well. Fuck yeah.
Barbie can smoke cigarettes like nobody.
So what else did we do to him? Oh gosh, we put him in the back
bed for a while. We poured a random candle we
found all over him. We did a bunch of sounding.
You did sounding on him for a while.
How is that? You know, sounding is fun.
It really is. I haven't really done it.
Well, we're going to do it together, you know.
Not on me. Not on you, but we have a cute
little lesbian who got it done at the last party.
Yeah. Yeah, someone did a nice little
demo and did it on her and she loved it and she was so cool and
open about that. You know, it's rare to see the
girls interested in it. I know Madame Liv was saying she
I believe saw a client not too long ago where a girl was doing
sounding and she said she was able to like fuck it almost.
Oh yeah, yeah. I was like, I didn't believe it.
I, you know, you just don't think about that kind of stuff
sometimes. No, I never thought about
training my urethra. What's really cool is when you
do it, you can put a massager or a vibrator on it and the
vibrations. But that feels really cool.
Oh my God, it's crazy. Yeah.
It's crazy intense. People love it, actually.
Now that I'm thinking about, I have done sounding very lightly
with the giant sewing utensil that you have done.
Oh. That's right, the big spike.
Yeah, well, hey, whatever works, right?
Yeah, so I didn't do it with anything I should have used.
I used a giant spike. But you know, to each their own.
Not on me. Well, you know, what's funny is
we always use the female urethral sounds, yeah, instead
of the male, because the male urethra sounds are, like
straight. They're thin.
That doesn't seem comfy, and it doesn't.
But the other ones, the females, they bend a little bit.
They're much thicker. So all the ones they sell are
female. Just about that, right?
No, they have different ones. You got to go on Amazon, put in
male urethral sounds and then do female and you'll see the.
Difference. Read a cart, buy them, come
back. But the proper way to clean them
is put them in a. Pressure on them a little bit.
You got to put them in a pressure on them.
Pressure cooker and boil them. Got boil them more like a
crawfish boil. Barry, my name is Duval Blanc
and I saw Nudist. I love those movies.
Fuck. I saw a a Reddit story and they
do these things that are like, am I the asshole?
And somebody will like send in like a story and then like
people will tell them if they were in the wrong or not.
And this, it was this story about this roommate.
She's like, am I an asshole for overreacting?
And apparently her roommate had been like washing her dildos and
the washing machine, like setting them in there like
dishes. And I guess she did it and the
roommate came home, opened it and found it and had a bad
reaction because she thought it was really fucking gross.
It's like, that's the communal dish, but.
You know, it's sanitized. Yeah.
I was like, it heats up, It heats up.
Exactly. I mean, it's, it's, I mean, I
wouldn't do it just because I don't think the soap is probably
good for it. I don't know.
I don't know if dish detergent what you really push it's.
Plastic. I bet the residue going inside
you, you know. Well, that's why, you know, it's
like when we use the dishwasher, like for my pots and pans, I
always run them through hot water.
Oh yeah. For a rerun song.
Yeah, I think, I think that's OK.
That makes sense. Yeah, Back to the session we
keep not talking about. Let me check.
I put cock rings before in the fucking dishwasher.
Really. Yes, so yeah.
And chastic cages. So I just fuck it.
Sometimes I just put them all in the sink and just dawn dish soap
it all and just. Little.
Just shake it all violently, hose it down.
I take it out back third in the yard.
Yes. Let your dog flip fence with it.
I get I keep that door locked when I have that stuff out.
That is like my worst nightmare. Oh my God, could you imagine?
And they would and they would. I was, I was gardening the other
day and I put a plant down or it fell off or whatever and before
I could pick it up, my, my Pitbull had picked it up and had
it across the yard and he was just playing with it.
I was like my potted plant back, you asshole.
Wow. And so I know if a dildo was
just out, he would it would just be gone.
It'd be done. It'd be they don't be like.
One of those Kong toys. And that already looks like a
butt plug. Yes, that does.
Yeah, You know, we had a guy who came in one day.
We've. Been stuck in his ass and he
asked you to take it out. No, no, he'd had it removed a
few months ago, but he had it jammed up in his ass with
fucking pool balls. In it.
Yes. Wait, pool balls were in the
Kong ball? Pool balls were in his ass with
the Kong. With the Kong the.
Kong thing's already like 6 inches wide, 3 inches diameter,
yes. He had all the he had like 3 or
4 pool balls. Is that better?
Than buying a dildo off Amazon. Let me tell you what's really
funny is he drove from Texas to Florida because he's a fucking
doctor. Yeah, he had to go to state.
As a professional dominatrix, just buy a dildo.
Yeah, it is so much less shameful than shoving random
objects inside of you. Yes, like there's not an excuse
if you're an adult with an income, just order a dildo.
Walk into a sex store by a dildo.
I just feel like you see so many stories specifically of guys
just getting the craziest shit stuck in their ass and I'm like,
is this better than just buying a dildo because you want
something in your you want Dick in your ass, go buy a Dick to
put in there. Like that's just how it works.
Yeah, exactly. Don't pussy out now.
I know. It's like those you ever hear
those girls that like shave down cucumbers and stuff?
Yeah, why not, right? I mean, I would do it.
I mean, I don't know if I'd do it because I just try it, but
like all the time. You do it all the time.
No, not at all. I know I don't get it.
And they even have those really big ones that are like a fist,
yeah, you know, like a pistol, though.
I'm. Sure, you could buy a rubber
ball, like an anal bead the size of a biller ball.
Oh yeah. Oh, girlfriend.
We had a guy who came in years ago.
Cute, cute guy. He, he had sexy ass, sexy body,
good looking motherfucker. And what does he do?
He comes in and he has these ginormous fucking beads that are
the size from a golf ball up to a fucking softball.
You know what? I had a guy send me a link to
something butt plugs like that, like some anal beads like that
and I was just like whose ass? There's guys out there who do
it, no. He said that to me and I was
like, out of which of us, Yeah, is taking the volleyball in the
ass? Yeah.
Not you, Not no. Not me.
Barbie's a virgin. Yeah, Yeah.
Yeah, no fucking anal beats. I have a.
Metal chastity belt on at all times guys.
Yeah, no, yeah. It's like the medieval ones.
And you know the way I look at it like this, right?
A man has 1 hole. OK, so you take and just stretch
that one hole, you're good. But if you see some women where
their vaginal opening is right next to their asshole, imagine
stretching those two things and it's right there.
We have that perineum I've seen that get ripped, you know?
Sometimes you got a short Gooch. That's it.
That's what fucking it's the Grundle.
The grundle. She calls it the fucking
Grundle. Grundle.
I love it. Yeah, it's hilarious.
So here we are. I'm just saying a man can
stretch his asshole all he fucking wants, but ultimately,
you know, it's pretty damn difficult sometimes for a woman
stretch a pussy and an asshole, you know?
I don't want anything in my ass. It's too many.
Huge. That's it.
You can give me a finger. That's about it.
Well, I'm a fan of a butt plug. A reasonable butt plug.
Reasonable if it's too. Small.
It pisses me off though. As you're saying that my dog is
farting on my lap? Make your leg nice and warm.
It's hurt. We're having a a cold front so
that'll make the room nice and tasty.
Thank you, Taco. Oh my God, that's awesome.
Should I just? Go ahead and cover my nose.
Yes, preemptively. Taco smells like a.
Bad Taco because of I'm so good at breathing out of my mouth.
This job makes you good at breathing out of your mouth.
Yes it does. Oh my God, you know lava ass
that you and I got that time. You sent me to a place when you
said that you see the life drain for my eye.
You know what I'm talking about. I've never been happier to hear
the words I fired a client than when you told me you fired him.
After that, I was like the heavens opened.
A ray of light shined upon me when I realized I'd never have
to see that man again. You know, he contacts me all the
time. He.
Will until the day he his heart stops.
Yeah, he comes up with a new text now number, but he puts his
name in there. So it comes up, I see the name
and automatically blocks it. But he'll write this whole
paragraph. He'll say, Mia, Mr. Smith, don't
you and Barbie want to see me again so you can stretch my my
whole I'm like, no goodbye block.
I'd put a shotgun in my mouth. Before I would see it, I'm
telling you. Like, I think it's been a while
since we told the story on here, probably over a year, Yeah.
And so I'll give you like a brief rundown.
So he's an older man, not a silver fox, not very hair
everywhere. You shouldn't have hair kind of
situation and. Head like a cue ball, though.
That's that's bald. That's done.
He he comes in and he wants to get like anal stretching.
So we have the speculum going and for you know, and as far as
we can tell, he starts intentionally shitting during
this process, which if anybody is like gone and played, you
know that if you're doing pegging anal play, you clean
out, you make sure you douche, you make sure you know, your
tummy's sorted. Because, you know, unless you're
into scat play, which he was not there for, because that's a
whole different thing we got to set up for.
You are just supposed to not shit yourself.
And it was like actually so much shit.
Like it was to the level where like we had to like stop what we
were doing and like garbage can. No, actually had to roll the
garbage can over. Yeah, because like we do cater
to like scat and piss fetishes outside.
Yeah, because that's where we do it.
And The thing is, if he would have been honest and said he was
interesting and and shitting, we could.
Have we could have done? It and I wouldn't have been
there. And we would have prepared that,
yes. And.
Barbie doesn't take toilet clients.
Yes, and I would have been prepared.
And he would have been prepared, But I also I think he did it on
purpose though, because he he's like real weird about people
watching him. Yes.
So I think he has like I think I think he was putting on a show.
He didn't know this, but halfway through I stuck a napkin to a
sweaty ass and it covered his asshole the whole time.
So he'd be shaking his ass, going like the view girls and
whole time his ass was just covered and he didn't even know.
Yeah. I was like, I'm not looking into
you for an hour. Like literally into him.
Yeah, it was a lot. We had to cut it.
I think we cut a session at least 20 minutes short.
Oh yeah, easy. And then he also kind of mind
you, Mia rips this speculum out of him.
She does not lower it. She was so mad at him.
And then he stands up, sees the mess he's made, and it's not a
easy mess to miss. Also fumigated the whole room.
It's we're all dying. He pulls up his pants without
even attempting to clean himself, and he was covered in
his own shit. Yeah.
And then he just left, yeah. And then I was like, that was,
that was one of the worst things I've ever experienced ever.
Ever. I literally rather deal with a
guy that I'm I'm like scared of than like shit ever.
Like I I'd rather be nervous about a guy than.
Them shit on me if. It would have gotten on me.
I would have lost my mind. Yes, I'm with you.
I'm with you. You know, I told you, you know,
we did this session before we did this with this really good
looking guy. You know, just cute, Southern,
sexy as fuck. My kind of guy, you know, 5-9
adorable, but he would like to be.
Shitty of height guys. I love small short guys that I
could imagine putting them in my pocket and making them, you
know, eat my pussy. See, I'm too mean.
I don't want to put them in my pocket and run real fast.
Make them seasick. But but he was so fucking cute
and I I just I really liked him but he went and like I said he
wanted to eat my shed and I did it and he was great.
With it, he just can't see him the same.
But you know, it was so funny. Is that afterwards, after it was
all said and done, it was kind of like he was like, it was that
that shred of like, yeah, I'm not going to do that again.
He's like. Got it out of a system.
Yeah, I'm not. I'm not.
Did he? Enjoy it.
You know he fucking enjoyed it. You know he fucking, I want to
say. There is a testament to
Sometimes you really think you're going to like something,
and then you. Don't.
That happened to me so tragically with anal.
I really was so convinced I was going to be an anal queen like I
thought I was going to love. It Yeah.
That first time I tried it, it was not for me.
I need to give it the good old college try.
So I got to try again sometime. But that I'll tell you that
first time I went, you're gonna put a pen in that for at least a
year or two. You, you gotta have the right
person to do it as well. Yeah.
Yeah, that's true. You've got to have a warm up.
I think it was because it, I think I like a butt plug because
it's stagnant. I think the movement might have
thrown me off, but that's why I want to try it again.
Because also the guy went kind of slow.
So like, I don't know, I felt like I could feel it all too
much. Like I felt like, yeah, like it
felt like I was a little too aware something was in my ass.
Yeah. I felt like if he, like, fucked
me normally, like at a normal speed, it would have kind of
blended in, you know? Yeah.
With pleasure and stuff like that.
I think, 'cause he was going too slow.
I was just like, it felt clinical.
I was like, OK, and that's the time.
Yeah. And I was like, and that's.
So that's the first time I did anal.
Guys. Just thought I would tell you
guys, don't tell anybody. A lot of women, when they get
pregnant, they have the desire to have anal.
I did have anal right after I got pregnant shut.
Up Barbie. Then there's some women.
There's some women who just get off to anal and not even vaginal
penetration. That, that is crazy.
You know, but it's not for everyone.
Like you said, a plug feels really nice, you know, but it.
Feels good for everybody involved.
I think so. Because the guy can feel it.
Yeah, feels. Great, especially when they
vibrate. Exactly.
I will say I'm not a fan of walking in a butt plug.
I don't like that my ass is too fat.
My booty, I don't like it. That flared bass hurts my booty
cheeks. Yeah, I get that.
I get that. Well, you know, we go back to
our one session, the smoking session.
Yeah, back to the topic. That's OK.
They're going to ask me not to come back for another.
Year. No, no, it's funny.
They love it. But there was at one point at
the very beginning when we got him to sit down, once we wrapped
him up and everything, we had him put this big ass dildo in
his ass and sit down on. It Oh yeah, he did.
I I forgot because I did forget about the dildo and he had it in
for a long. Time.
A long time. It's because he was sitting so
politely. He.
Was, you know, and the whole time he's like, I really hope
I'm a good sub for you. I really hope that I'm doing
everything I can do for you. He was the kindest, just honest,
decent, sweetest person. Yeah.
It's always nice when you, like, get a client that has a deep
appreciation for what's going on, who's humbled.
Yeah. Because like, I feel like a lot
of times, like, I mean, of course, it's a spectrum from
people who just, you know, like cope or hookers and then people
like him who respect like, you know what the art, the art of it
and like the passion and like knowledge that goes into this.
I'm so like, you know, I feel like we tend to get more of the
middle of the road clients where they have an idea of BDSM, but
they don't really care about it. But they're kind of just
interested in getting hard and like having a fun time with the
dominatrix. They don't really care about it,
which is still fun. You guys have a good time, but
there is something about getting a true lifestyle or Kingster
come to see you because that's when you really get to have more
fun because it's like you understand what's going on.
I understand what's going on. You don't have to do a lot of
that base level of OK, so this is the red light green light
system. Like this is how we do like you
can kind of just like almost play more freely too, because
it's just like a lot more trust in the dynamic because
everyone's more experienced and of course there's like more
respect. It's always so fun like that.
I just, I love seeing clients that like are kind of passionate
about their like kink and stuff like that.
It's, it's always great when somebody knows what they want,
you know, it's always my pet peeve when people come in and
they just like, I don't know. I don't know what I.
Want. Yeah, or they think they they
know what they want. In actuality, like you said,
it's not at all what they want. Yeah, that I would say it's they
either say they don't know what they want or the fantasy they
tell you about is the most outlandish thing you've ever
heard in your entire life and you're like, OK, what are you
talking? About, yeah.
I Remember Me and Mia were sitting in your, we were sitting
in your office once and you got a call from potential client and
he's like, I want 10 girls. It's like 10 girls for what?
And she was like, you want 1010 Doms?
And then he was like, well, like, yeah, I want, I want to
have 10 beautiful girls. And she was like, we're not
hookers. And then he just hung up and I
was like, First off, you can't afford 10 hookers either way.
No, I'm. Sorry, you're not getting 10
hookers or 10 doms. That's too much.
You can't order in bulk. This is.
Not Sam's Club and when this is not a sex slave trade either.
It's like order on layaway I. Don't even like 10 people.
What? The fuck he is like I am not
inviting 10 people here. Yes, like you want 10 girls.
I'm not having ten women. And one of my friends, they were
like, you really don't need to refer to your doms as girls.
And I said, well, I think of, you know, girls as we're all
girlfriends. What else would you say?
Women, you know, be very specific.
I don't split dars. Yeah, this is dumb.
Well, I mean. Women also for if we're being
technical there's a seniority difference so calling us girls
isn't disrespectful. No, I don't think it's
disrespectful. No, I mean I do think like I.
Just think there's an implication.
There's honorifics involved in that because like you, you know,
you are the mistress of the house.
You know, you're older than us. Not in a mean way.
It's just true. So, I mean, I don't think it's
wrong for you to refer to us as girls.
We are your girls. Yeah, I mean, that's about maybe
that's just, I'm Southern and that's just what my dad calls us
his girls. Yeah.
Like, I mean, you know, it's always like girls.
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
Because if me and Liv are just out in the backyard lost, you
wouldn't you wouldn't go. Women come inside.
Come hit her. Women, my doms in the kitchen.
Women come my flock, my flock come, my Fisher of men.
Wow. So I'm going to tell you I am
totally off topic everything. Is.
Everything is fuck it but I I did an interview on one of the
top rated sex podcasts, The Curious Girl Diaries with Layla
London. I interviewed her.
I posted her episode last week and then she interviewed me and
just posted it Saturday. And then I did a, it's like
basically a 20 minute intro where I talked a little bit
about a BDSM and myself. And so she posted that and it
was basically Confessions of a Dominatrix, but she did a cool
little title on there. But she's a cool, cool lady.
She went in the lifestyle and she's dabbled into BDSM over the
last 10 years. She started doing the podcast 10
years ago because she abstained from sex for 3 1/2 years and
decided she want to start a podcast and talk about it and
then talk about her sex life from there from that point on.
And she she made a bucket list for all the sex and different
types of sex she wanted to participate in.
Oh yeah, it was great. We all have to have goals.
So exactly. So we had a great conversation.
So I'm going to tell listeners that they need to, you know,
tune into the Curious Girl Diaries because she's she's an
awesome lady. It was a cool interview, cool
episode. So we're going to do it again
next month. That's going to be some.
Fun. Yeah.
TuneIn for it. Yeah, you have to tune in for
it. But you know, Barbie, you and I
have plans. We have plans coming.
Yeah, we're we're probably going to go to Walmart later, guys.
Big. Walmart going to be close too.
Bigger plans? But we have plans brewing, and
what we have evil. Plans in the works.
I can't see it, but I'm rubbing my hands together menacingly.
Mrs. Evil or Miss Evil? Oh, we had a little little dirty
Secret Santa not too long ago. Oh, we did.
Did y'all talk about that at all?
We have. Not.
I only want to talk about it because I got a cool whip.
But yeah, we did like this dirty Secret Santa and I brought
something I thought was pretty a normal size object and everyone
acted like I brought in like a mammoth sized dildo.
So. I got.
A little embarrassed it was 11 inches top to bottom.
Like whole thing that's not that big.
Fucking size queen there, Barbie.
It it was like an inch and a half diameter.
It's not even that bad. No, no, it was cool.
It was, it was like a double sided glass dildo, but you don't
put the whole thing in because it's like double sided.
So it's like only half. So it's not that big.
Yeah, I don't. Know people probably sticking
the whole thing. Probably.
You know what I got though?
You got. Like a cute little gag did it.
I got a cool gag and I got cool cuffs, but let me tell you, I
use those cuffs break. They broke on my tickle fetish
guy. So I was like, well, fuck it,
you know? Men breaking our shit.
You got to give a nice test run. It is what it is, solid.
Almost silicone rubber like whip like the base is rubber.
It's it was nasty. It what?
Fuck. That thing was nasty.
It was crazy. I couldn't believe.
That was someone's option. Like when you like if I was
picking out a whip to bring to like a Secret Santa, like that's
such a bold pic because it's like it's like one of those
whips that like, like it's like a cane.
Yeah, it'll damage you 100. Percent like.
Because you know how there's some whips you can, you can hit
someone pretty hard, like a flogger.
You can hit people pretty hard way.
It's these are one of these whips where you're like, don't
don't hit, don't swing it. It'll hit itself like, Oh yeah,
it's one of those where you don't put nothing behind it.
I think I whacked myself with it and it it lingered for a long.
Time, yeah. I accidentally wrapped it up
around my knee the other day about fell out, met Maker.
Yeah, when I felt that I was like, no, no, that one I would
be nervous to bring out that one's like that's for grown men
right there. I got to figure out how to swing
it. It's like a weird stiffness,
like it doesn't quite whip like a whip because it's all the same
rubber, but it also doesn't swing like a flop like a paddle
or anything, so I can't really flake it.
So I think it's like it's really works for the over the hand
thing, which is kind of hard to hit an ass with unless you're
bent over, but I usually hit guys standing up.
Sometimes let me tell you we have a silicone paddle and the
dungeon and it's specifically for auto body dents.
Like you put it to a vehicle with a dent and it will pop the
dent out. Have you seen the dent in the
front of my car from where I fell so hard hitting my car I
put a dent? Then no.
Yeah, but you could try using that.
I might. Cracked my head off the car.
Oh my God. Yeah, I was running in my and I
grew I well I was outside. I can run outside.
Yes, OK. But I was dressed as an elf and
it's funnier. So I had elf ears on and I'm in
like giant maidens dress and I'm wearing leather boots with like
eyelets on them and I'm running and one shoe wasn't tied and so
the eyelets hook at my ankles. So it essentially was last lasso
hog tied mid run. And so I'm free falling into the
hood of my car. So I put my hand up and block it
from hitting my face on the car. So my hand like pushes into the
car and I so there's a dent the shape of my hand in the car.
And then I like hit and then I hit the ground just so
incredibly hard. Like the entire fall was so
ridiculously dramatic. Worst thing, a car full of my
friends were in the driveway waiting for me to get my car.
So as I'm running to get something out of my car to get
in the car with them, they watch as I hog tie myself, crack my
head off my car and then the ground.
And then I just lay there for a second dressed as a fucking elf.
Ears didn't fall off so. Damn Barbie, what the fuck?
I was on my way to the Renaissance Fair.
Merry fucking Christmas. And nobody got to fucking video
this shit. Bro there, no, I don't think it
was funny looking, 'cause they all ran up the they thought I
had to go to the hospital. Oh my God, that was fine.
They were like, do you have a concussion?
I was like, I don't, I don't think I can do that.
You are like a tough fucking cookie.
I could not imagine you and you're such.
A like odd person, 'cause I, I look so a certain way, yeah, but
then I, I'm such a roughhouser. Like I always have Boo boos.
Like I can barely let Mia get mad at me because I can't take
feet clients because I for some reason always have Boo boos.
Yeah, like I'll be running through thorns and I'll get Boo
boos on the top and me, I'll be like, can you see?
She texted me and she was like, can you see a foot client?
And I said I don't. Have.
I had just skinned the entire top of one of my feet and I said
I can't. They like scabs.
I'm like, yes. And I'm like, why can't you take
care of your body? Why?
Why can't you take? Care of your body.
I'm just, I'm a rough lady. I'm a bull in a China shop for
sure. Yeehaw.
OK, Barbie. Yeah, we talked for about 3
hours. They're going to get a nice long
podcast. We didn't record all of it, but
we got 40 minutes and I think we're we're good together.
We cut out the Parsi all I need to hear you don't want.
Exactly. Fuck the best.
All right, so Barbie, this has been great.
It's always good to have you and people always looks forward to
to hearing our bullshit, so it's fun.
Follow us on Fetlife if you want to keep up with us.
Yeah, you're the. Under score. under score Barbie.
Yeah, crazy name pull. I changed my name for a month
and like I suddenly got no interaction at all.
I don't know how that worked. And then the second I changed my
name back it like went back to normal and I was like God forbid
a girl have a last name. I'm telling you and you have a
difficult last name. People don't get it.
Men are basic bitches. They're just so fucking basic.
You know, I, I just had a conversation with someone and
they said, you know, there's only a few things that I like in
my life and what I like to do. Fishing, spending time with you
and gaming. That's it.
Yeah, that's it. Men are fucking simple.
And when you come up with difficult names, they don't
fucking get. It's for the girls and the gays,
man. That's it.
That's actually lyric to a song. I do it for the girls in the
game. That's it.
It's ugly.
The Queens and the queers, because they're loving my shit.
That's it. Because they're smart and
complex people. That's it.
But dudes, they're like, I'm half monkey, you know, they
don't fucking. They're like.
Barbie blonde? Yeah, I'll follow you.
Yes, yes. God, if they have to sound it
out, they're not going to follow you.
Yeah, because they'll say, like, which one's Barbie?
I'm like, you know, curvy blonde.
Oh yeah, the blonde one called Barbie on the ones.
Yeah, there you go. Yeah, Men are simple creatures.
They're half monkey, half human, and they're easy.
They're very simple. People, men are easy.
They're sluts and whores. Yes, and they're 80% of our
listeners, so they're smart. Oh, until then, Barbie.
This has been the latest episode of Call Me Mistress.