Welcome to Game Master Monday. I am your Game Master Grant Nor
Dean. We're doing a classic episode
this week. This is an episode we launched
back when we were a show called Fantasy 1st Friday and we're
playing a game by Grant Howitz called The Witch is Dead.
This is one of my all time favorite things I've ever put on
audio of the ever, and now it's remastered for your listening
pleasure. But before we get too far into
the hilarity that is this episode, I want to talk to you
about a few of my good friends. More than a few of my good
friends. A few of my good friends.
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Oh, hi, trouble. You're supposed to be with your
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And now, without further ado, I bring you and it's Remastered
glory. The Witch Is Dead Welcome to
Fantasy First Friday, a Grant Rants monthly series where I
host a tabletop RPG with a rotating cast.
Today's game is called The Witch is Dead and today my players
Are. Airy as Peter, I'm a spider.
My name is Michael Childs and I'm playing a crow.
His name is Corvus Christi and. His goal in life is to eat human
flesh right out the gate. Unhinged Halloween.
My name is Jenny. I am a toad.
My name is Fluffy and that's as far as I got.
Who needs a back story? Let me introduce what game you
all are playing here today. The Witch is Dead is A1 sheet
adventure where you play as a group of witches familiars, each
with their own unique stats specific to this game and one
magic spell The witch taught each of them to help out around
the house. Like in games previous, anytime
the players want to do something they will roll A10 sided die to
determine if they can. They also have four potential
modifiers they can use to try and increase their roles.
Those modifiers are clever, fierce, sly, and quick.
If, for whatever reason, they fail their role, they will gain
a point of danger. If at any point during the game
they roll a number lower than their danger level, something
terrible may happen. Nice.
With that out of the way, we'll begin the adventure.
Y'all excited. Yay, great.
Once Upon a time, in a mythical land called the Woods, there was
a kind and wise and beautiful witch who lived in the forest
with her familiars Corvus, Christi, Peter and Fluffy.
Her life was peaceful and happy. Right now she's working with
them to create a wonderful new potion that makes cold medicine
actually taste good. Peter, would you be a deer and
light or small flame under this beaker?
Absolutely. I'm great at that shit.
Great. You roll your D 10 for me.
OK, I got a three, a 3. It's a very small flame, but I
know you're under a lot of stress.
Corvis, can you please hand me that bottle of happy tears?
Gladly. Thank you.
As usual, little crow feet. I know you don't have hands.
They're very dexterous. Thank you for the tears.
Fluffy Your voice surprised me for some reason.
Did not think I did not think you were that close to my
shoulder. Fluffy, I'm feeling peckish.
Could you conjure up something vegan and cruelty free for me to
eat? Absolutely.
And you will at least 10. I will.
Got a 7? What are you conjuring for me?
I'm going to be grilling some mushrooms for you.
My my witch. A very common food.
Grilled mushrooms. I can't wait while you all
continue to work. You hear a knock downstairs.
Oh, that must be my huge Dick boyfriend.
You all stay here and I'll talk amongst your salads.
I'll be back in a jiffy. She always mentions how huge of
a Dick he has. Makes us all uncomfortable,
doesn't it? I like it that.
Makes me feel inferior because I don't have one on the kind of
being a toad. I poked a few very promiscuous
spider, made some. Black widows, so to speak.
While you all are chatting, you hear a noise from downstairs and
it sounds like this. Good God, no.
Don't axe me. No, no.
The pain. It's unimaginable and I'm
feeling all of it. I am sure to die slowly and
painfully. Please, Sir.
Why must you torture me so? Surely your axe would be kinder
a demise. Oh, my pets, my loves.
I'm sorry. Now So what do you?
Do was with those noises of pleasure or pain.
I can't tell. They've been in some really
freaky shit lately, I mean. The the axe is no we should
maybe go check on. Her.
OK, let's go check. I'm not excited, but let's do
it. Great.
So you all got the axe is new. You all go downstairs and you
were you are. You are witnessing A grisly
scene. And I don't mean there's a bear
in the house. I mean it sucks down there.
The witch has been murdered, dragged out of the cottage, axe
butchered in the woods. The first thing any of you
notice is a giant of a man with a bloody axe running away
through the trees faster than any of you can travel.
Fortunately, the witch prepared you all for just such an
occasion. Suddenly in all of your minds, a
memory appears almost like magic and it's a witch telling you all
in like a boardroom type situation.
If I am ever brutally murdered by a witch hunter, you must seek
him out and gouge his eyes and get revenge and kill him.
Bring his eyes back to my corpse within a week and I'll come back
to life. So I've heard.
Even if it doesn't work, at least he'll be dead.
At the time I thought it was oddly specific, but now I see we
have a practical application for this.
Yes, it all makes sense now. Let's get that motherfucker.
Let's get his motherfucking eyes and motherfucking.
Make soup with them all about Peters and Edgy.
I have a question for the DM. Yes Sir.
So do we know that that person running away was not the
boyfriend? Do we know what the boyfriend
looks like? Yes, you do know what the
boyfriend looks like. Imagine in your mind's eye like
a less attractive Adam driver with somehow a larger nose.
How? Can we get worse than Adam
Driver? Just like a little less?
You know, like if you saw him, you'd almost think it was Adam
Driver, but like if he wasn't famous like Adam Driver when he
was still in the military, like. Like squinting at Adam Driver.
Yeah, like you see, like through a fuzzy window.
He looks like this for those who I cannot see in the audio
format, Airy has drawn what appears to be a potato.
So we know that it was not him. It's not the boyfriend.
Her boyfriend's. Name, by the way.
The Who? The boyfriend's name.
Wow. The one name I wasn't prepared
to answer for. The boyfriend's name is Biggest
Dickis. Yes.
So you're all in the living room.
Shit's broke. You know, your master just got
super axed all over the place. It almost looks like he was
trying to destroy everything. Door is off its hinges, the
windows are broken. You have a very clear shot of
the woods where you saw the woods been running to, and if
anyone is feeling awfully clever, you may be able to find
some clues. I feel I'm feeling clever.
All right, give me a D10 roll and you can use your clever
stat. OK, my clever stat is 2.
That means you can add 2 to whatever number.
So I got 9 seconds. I'm eleven.
Hell yeah. You see some hella fucking
clues. So right outside the door you
see very large. I'm talking like size 20 shoe
prints and they're going straight into the woods.
Luckily, dirt. Very soft, easy to leave
footprint trails in. OK, I found a clue.
Large footprints outside. Okay, Most what does that mean
are large? Especially compared to US, we're
all very small. And I do not like feet that
could very easily squish me. But if we must murder, then we
must follow the feet. I agree, I agree.
Is there anything else? Any other clues I can see with
my love and clevers? That's the main thing you see a
lot of destroyed things very clearly destroyed than Axe.
And so we know we're dealing with a Witch Hunter.
You all know Witch Hunter's favorite weapon is an.
Axe and her corpse is gone and her corpse is mangled.
In the lair, it's it's mangled in the woods, but you'll know
where to go all. Right, so we go into the woods.
Let's say you, Peter. Let's go to the woods.
Which direction? Great question.
Since this is an audio format, it's over there.
So you go into the woods. You follow the footprint into
the woods. It's the farthest away any of
you have ever been from the cottage since being placed under
the witch's care, which you know is right outside the front door.
You weren't the grocery familiars, sadly.
Because which Bay? Not on which Bay words on Uber
Witch. It's starting to get a little
dark and a little cold. You've been wandering down the
woods for a while and it's getting much, much darker.
It's a lot scarier outside, and you can feel 1000 eyes all
glaring at you from above and around you in the forest, and
you're all just little guys. The dangers of the woods at
night May. Be too much to handle.
If you're determined to get revenge, you may need to figure
out a strategy to survive the night.
I'm scared yet determined. I am determined, yet scared.
You guys are a bunch of little babies.
Like, let's go. Let's get this.
I'm gonna make a flame and it'll be brought up in this bitch.
I'll gather some twigs with my little, my little Twiggy legs.
I'll gather some some sticks and grasses and we'll make a fire.
Oh, I love that idea. So do I have to roll for a fire?
Well, first let's have you roll a clever sack, Corvis, to see
how many twigs you get. All right.
Wow. All right, well, you can't let a
fire with no twigs with. My modifier?
I'm at 11 again. Hell yeah, you get. 11 Twigs
Dice app is awesome. This is a weighted dice app.
And then Peter, roll your Fierce stat to see if we can light a
fire up in this big hitch. I'm have my little legs crossed,
all eight of them. 6 Six That's exactly what you needed to hit,
so you successfully light a fire.
Are we using the twigs for a campfire?
For torches. Well, I think we need to keep
going, so let's use these for torches.
OK? What do you say?
I agree torches are an excellent idea.
I like that. Any contribution you want to
make? Feel like hungry?
Myself can you conjure me up some worms or carry on?
Oh, yes, I'm a bit. Yeah, I can.
I. Can try for some worms to carry
on. Would you like a carry on?
Or would you prefer flies? I can go for some flies.
I would love some flies, all right.
Six. Try for some worms and some
flies. Great.
Hit me, hit me ow the three. OK, so for you to conjure that
you didn't need a six. Damn.
So I'm this wasn't a dangerous move.
You just try to conjure some worms and flies, but all that
really happens is like, you know that that question comes into
your brain. Oh God, would she still love me
if I was a worm? I am so hungry.
You can try again. I'm.
So used to conjuring people food I've never had to conjure worms
and flies living. Creatures, Yeah, you get one
more try to be. Dead.
Fair enough. I don't know.
That's A1A1. These dice are betraying you.
Your. Danger level increases by 1.
So because you rolled A1, you conjure worms and you conjure
flies. The problem is, they're right in
front of you, in front of A fucking herd of owls.
Big, huge, spooky owls. And they're all charging at you.
And yeah, they like worms. Yeah, they like flies.
They also like toads. They also like spiders.
Fuck you. I'm not looking up what owls
eat. Run, run.
Are you ready? Let's go.
We're running. We're running.
Everyone roll a quick for me. Roll your quick stats. 5 5OK4.
I got. A four.
Sorry, 5. Well, the five then what you
roll that's. I got a I got a nine 'cause I
roll the 8 plus MY1 quick. Alright, so so here.
So here's what happens. Dog Fluffy, you make it out of
the woods. Yay.
Ohh. Go to the six.
Goes five with one quick. Oh yeah, yeah.
So I'm the slowest 1. Corvis is a slow one.
Fluffy and Peter successfully make it out of the woods.
Corvis the owls are gaining on you.
Also, your danger level goes up at.
One, start flying and stop using my Twiggy legs and I'm gonna
start flying. Hell yeah, I could flap my
wings. So increase your danger by one
and give me one more quick Roll five.
Another five. It still needs to be 6, so your
danger level goes up by one more and the owls are gonna catch up
with you and they're gonna surround you in a big circle.
No, no I'm not. So it's just you and a whole
bunch of owls, and one of them's gonna step up to you.
He looks like he's in charge, cuz he has like that look in his
eye, you know the look. And he says you're not.
I do not taste good at all. Everyone says so.
Everyone says so yes. Who's everyone?
My friends my my friend Peter and my friend Fluffy.
And they're down that way and I miss them and I'd like to go see
them. I'll make you an offer.
Bird 1. Bird to another bird.
We want to eat your friends like straight up.
I'm not going to beat about the Bush.
Your friends are mad tasting if you take us to your friends.
We won't Peck your eyes out if you don't.
We know. Well, you know the thing of the
eyes that I will do. You'll Peck my eyes out, Peck
your eyes out. I need them to see.
Yeah, I have a mission. I'm on quite the quandary I
placed. You Mr. Al or Mrs. Al.
Or I'm not binary. I'm Barry.
I'm. Binary Al.
What is your name? My name is Hootie Blowfish.
Well, Hootie, do you frequently just wait for small animals to
come into your path for dinner or yeah, or were you on your way
somewhere else? You ever met an owl?
It's kind of no. I've never, I've never left a
human absolutely at night. You've never left that.
You've never left the house. I'm very scared and I'm.
I'm very determined as well. Kind of turns her and whispers
to a different owl. Like I never left the fucking
house. What the fuck is the house?
Maybe he's never left. They do not leave something.
What's the house? It's place, you know, humans,
those, those, those. Creatures that walk on two legs
and they can't fly and they can't run fast and we're on a
quest. Our human died and we need to go
find the murderer. We're on a quest.
It's very important. Can you help us?
You're on a revenge quest. Well, there's anything a flock
of owls known for. It's being harboringers of
revenge. Don't Google that.
I'll tell you what, since you need your friends, I suppose we
can offer you some allegiance here, but it's going to cost you
something. We are still super hungry and
got a mad craving for a toad or a spider or something.
We'll lead you out of the forest if you can promise to provide us
a tasty meal to satiate a flock of owls hunger.
I have it covered. My friend is a great cook and
can make you whatever you want. I promise he wishes that.
Alley. The fuck's that Cook?
You'll love it, I promise. All right.
So the owls are going to like, you know, like when a president
dies and you get a motorcade, they kind of do that.
But, like, around you, I love that.
So you're like a dead president being led out of the woods.
And he they take you there. So grateful.
Thank you very much. You're very welcome now.
That's a fuck ton of owls. A metric fuck ton of owls is at
your door, fluffy, and they're going to look at you again.
Corvis, they Where's the dinner? It's coming.
I promise.
So so have we got to my friends now?
When you have your friends. So I'm I fill them in and what
happened and and I'm psyching up Fluffy to make a perfect meal
for this terrifying flock of owls.
And please do a good job, Fluffy.
You can use your life. Literally depends on your sly
modifier for. This if you like.
I'll be sly and I'll make a whole bunch of dead mice.
I always love mice. I love mice, yeah.
That fucking shit. That's a three total, is it?
Yeah, it's a one. And I have two.
Sly. Can I just light them on fire?
You wanna fight the owls? Let's do it.
I'm so over them. Here's the deal, Fluffy.
Your danger goes up by 1:00 again, cuz you cannot fucking
cook to save your life. You want to engage the owls in
combat. Yes, I do.
Only because I really love my witch.
This is the only time I've ever mourned for literally anything
You have to remember. I have eaten my babies.
Is it your babies or your husband?
Yes, so the owls are all glaring at you.
Like the fuck is the spider doing here?
It comes eight and eight. And we're gonna use your fierce
modifier, so. All right, My fears is 0, which
is so weird. Yeah, we're taking the opposite
route with this character. Thank you, So four and eight.
I'll tell you, every single owl is on fire.
Yeah. Yeah, and you hear Hootie
Blowfist scream. This is not how I thought I
would die. And then they trying diplomacy.
OK, have you all played a Castlevanian gang of those those
chickens you find in the wall Best they look like.
Yes, all birds. Same shape when they're cooked.
I wanted to protect our eyes. Thank you.
I had to do this friends. Thank you so much, Peter.
You saved all of us, and I'm sorry you got us in that
predicament by being slow. Oh, it's OK.
I really gotta get good at cooking animal food because this
is ridiculous. So congratulations, you have
successfully escaped the woods. Almost said something else, but
so let me tell you what you currently see.
Now. The sun is rising.
Your footprints have your footprints.
The footprints have led you to a stone cobbleway.
I don't know what you know about stone, but I'll tell you one
thing. Harder than dirt doesn't really
show footprints that well. Unless you got UVI's, which you
don't. I checked.
What you do see, though, as the sun is rising, is a large wooden
pole with strange lettering written on it, and two different
arrows pointing in opposite directions.
Perched atop the pole are two. Bats in the daytime, yeah.
Hello hello I have a bet and this is my friend the bet.
Hello, I'm also bet. Wow.
Hello. Hello.
We just escaped the woods with some killer owls.
Spooky. Scary.
Very. We are very scared, but we're
glad to be out of it. Do you know how to read?
I do, actually. I can speak and read human Very
good thing to know how to do, because, you see, what we're
standing on here is Stein. Okay, Stein has a word Done not
already, can already sign. OK, well, I'd like to read it.
Let me get a little closer, OK? The bats fly off.
They don't know you're a bird, and they pick you up to hold you
closer to the sign. Now you'll see sign.
I'm ready to read. We've been asking since
yesterday about the people who can read bird sign and.
No one can, no one can read sign.
No birds come through a bug come through a man come through him.
They know listen to bats A. Man came through and men came
through. What kind of man?
Big man? Oh, how big?
Oh so big. Do you have an axe?
Do you have large feet? What is X?
Big stick with a sharp thing. At the end he had the big stick.
Did he have big feet, objectively, like he'd be good
at basketball? Hey guys, this might be our
person. Awesome.
Alright, I'm going to read this
sign. OK, roll your clever for me.
OK, OK7 plus. Two.
So that's nine. You got it.
You can help her read that sign. OK, so there's two arrows
pointing in opposite directions. Sign one, which, yes, says sign
one. They they numbered them.
It says to Witches Bane, to Community Pool, to Pharmacy.
The second sign, sign 2, says to Witches Bane, to Prison Yard or
to Harnessey. So can we ask the bats where
they saw Big Man go? You can ask about anything you
want. Hey, Bat.
Hello. Oh, you look delicious but then
not eats you and one diet. Oh, you better not.
Yeah. I have killed.
We flying. We saw you like the I was on the
fire, deeply scared of you. Very, very scary.
Spider, would you say I'm fierce?
You know, if I had to give you a number assignment to your
fiercest level, it'd be more than 0 for sure.
How I oh, thank you. In fact, let me let me ask We
ask God the question God. Yes.
Can we give it a spider? A fierce state?
No, she's a woman. I'm sorry.
God, apparently a big misogynist.
Yeah, I figured. I did not anticipate.
But listen, listen, listen. Can you just point to the
direction of our big man Bigfoot?
Person go. Oh yes, hello.
I I am the first bet. I believe he went to this
direction. He points to the left.
Where sign one is going. No, wait, my brother.
I don't believe big man with big feet.
He went in the other direction to do it the other way.
Oh, this is not helpful. Don't worry.
This is not one of those stupid riddles for one of us lies and
all. One of us always has the truth
for just normal bets. Nothing to see here.
Can I Can I detect if they're being like if they're, if
they're? Any signs of deception here?
I don't think that yeah, you can do this live for me.
Okay. 12 Oh God, okay, I'm so at least in how do you want to
interrogate them? Maybe we can separate them?
How about that? I love that idea.
Do you think? She said.
One to Peter and one to Fluffy you talk to.
And good cop, bad cop and. Yeah, let's do that just. # my
little. Who's bad cop?
Together. Obviously fluffy.
OK, fluffy. You're the bad cop.
I'm, I'm, I'm the worst. All right guys, there been.
A cop? I'll You wouldn't imagine how
bad at being a cop I am? Oh, you're qualified?
So I have a deal for you Bats. I will tell you what the signs
said. OK, you if.
If each of you will talk to each of my friends and we can get
some more ideas from you. We desperately need to know what
science is. Yes, this is good deal.
OK me the bet the 1st. I'll go with the hello to
friend. Hello I am bet.
You sure are. What's your name, kid?
Tokata. You serious?
My name is Tokata. You want me to OK, I spell do.
You want me to touch you? Or what's going on here?
No, no touch. No touch.
Tokata. I know the name would make it
sound like you touch me. Please do not do, OK.
It'd be very bad for you be. Awkward for me.
So you said you you saw him go to the first to the left, I
believe yes, because it happened at night and as you know, bats
do very good to the seeing it at the night.
And I used my bat sounds and I hear him go to the that
direction of the one the arrow pointing to left.
OK. And where do you need to go
that's so important on the sign? I desperately, desperately need
to go to prison. Did you do something illegal?
The worst thing you could do and I feel like I should be
punished. What'd you do?
It's secret. If I tell then it's even more
awkward. And then what?
People know, and I would just like only the law to know what I
did. Listen, we're all animals here.
You're like, I can't arrest you. Well, we're not.
Very bad cop. Let me just say, we're not all
animals here. Some of us just appear very in
the million, if you will. OK, yeah, it's a very peculiar
thing to. Say.
I should be locked up. I mean, preferably in the cage,
in building, not in sun. I say too much.
I thank you. I thank you my.
Goodbye. OK.
Goodbye to Carter. His name?
Who's in the the second bat? Who's interviewing you?
Peter is. OK.
Hi, I'm Peter. Hello Peter.
I'm a second bat. Hey, second bat.
Um, were you the one that said I'm pretty fierce?
Yes, that was me. I'm very good judge of
fierceness. I.
Appreciate it. I appreciate it.
Was the big man scary? He very scary.
He very big man of big feet with big big stick.
So scary. Did he smell delicious at all?
He was covered in blood, right? Oh, yes.
I can definitely confirm so much blood.
OK, But it was nice, right? It was unfortunate.
Blood on outside, not inside. OK, OK.
Oh, yes. No, I mean.
So since you're really, really, really good at sensing that.
Yeah. Which one did I go?
That big man. He went to the right arrow.
It was morning, so I had a hard time seeing for sure, but I'm
pretty sure he went to Is it right?
See. Usually in morning ice closed,
but I smelled the blood, so I think he went to that.
Right, right. And you have some sort of, I
guess? Humanish qualities where you can
see a little bit. I say nothing.
Head day time. I know you.
Know I'd like to talk to my friends now.
OK, Goodbye. This was very.
Quick and painless. OK, so now we gather each other
together out of earshot. Right.
We. Huddle it's a good thing bats
not known for good hearing a brother.
Yes, it's a good thing we no listen at all.
These guys don't understand about bats, so Texas bird.
Texas bird. That's me.
So they're clearly vampires. Yes, the second one just said
his truth. He did.
But they're telling two different things.
So yes. So do we just guess, or do we
somehow threaten them and scare them into giving us an answer?
The looking. People.
That's an idea. So yes, vampires do not like
what? Garlic.
Yes, I don't like. Can you conjure some garlic for?
Us. And let's, let's use I don't
know who's the most fierce of all let's.
Fucking water board them. Fluffy.
How fierce are you? Not very.
I'm pretty fluffy. Who's the scariest of us all?
I think. I think it might be you, Crow
boy. OK.
Yeah. All right.
I will absolutely. You eat, I will.
Flesh. I will.
It's true. I do.
That's true. I just eat like bugs.
Let's see if we can get some garlic.
And keep our danger low and then I'll scare them with it and
threaten them. Can we use my sly so they can
work? Oh yeah, cuz you're trying to
con yeah, you can use your sly. OK.
It's a six, then. Yeah, for a six you can conjure
garlic. Why not?
I'm feeling benevolent. So you successfully conjured
garlic. See.
I can. Only do human food.
The dice knows that. You're a.
OK, so you got some garlic there.
Glue is there Okay. So then I walk up and I go,
listen guys, us guys. Yeah, yeah, listen, listen.
And then I go, I do this whole thing that Spider Man does, and
then I dangle garlic in front of them.
I'm gonna need a role for that chief.
Okay, can you roll your? I guess this would be your
clever cuz you're using your. Bits and stuff your wits.
Okay, let's do it with two bits. Then you should.
I'm rolling to successfully to successfully.
Garlic on them. But should we threaten them
first, though? Yeah, let's threaten them first.
All right. Hey, listen, listen.
You too. Hello.
We are in very urgent situation. We need the answer.
And you're both. You're giving us two opposite
answers. They both can't be true.
Do we need to know where do we give you opposite answer?
It's not intention if you do give him bad answer.
I did talk that I give him the bad answer.
So. So, Tokata, you gave us the
correct answer. I believe so.
So he's headed left towards wait, you said the left tokata?
Yes. I said left, No, right.
That's correct. The answer, the few gets
correct. Tokata is wrong.
This is getting worse. They are getting worse.
I literally, we had the appetite for.
Free did they? Okay.
So he said that he needed to go to prison.
Which way was the prison? The prison was right, DM here.
You did promise them that the information is how you would
reward them if they gave you the answer.
Which they? Have not done yet.
He does not know where the prison is.
I'm just, I'm just giving that to you before the bats fly away.
Maybe we don't need to threaten them after all.
Maybe we can just trade. Oh, I said I'd give them the
answer if they talked to us tonight.
That wasn't a very good trade. If you can give us direction to
prison now. If I can may interject or cut
the yes fugue fugue. I would like to not go prison.
What? Yeah, the whole prison thing is
your idea. I don't want to do that.
I I've been hanging out with you.
You're cool, dude. But I don't want to prison.
You are shithead. Oh guys, be nice to each other.
Remember, this guy followed me around?
I'd say I told my sad story of go prison.
He don't want to go with me. I thought we were Bros in
prison. We're not.
I'm just so upset for you guys. You guys should go to some camp.
You know what? No fucking this.
I go prison by itself. Tell you what.
Listen Fugue is big asshole. He make fun of my mother the
whole time. He say it's just jokes.
It's not just jokes he mean now I know better.
I. Saw the guy for sure.
He was asleep and wanted to play along and he's doing this whole
fucking bit and it's pissing me off.
And I saw you kind of garlic, which is no big deal for that.
No, really. But I just don't want to get in
any further trouble before they go prison.
So I tell you, he go left arrow, tell me where prison is.
All right. So I say we take him at face
value. Let's.
Do it OK. So thank you for the answer.
Prison is to the right. Thank you Fugue.
Near the. Which is being in the Harnessey.
So be be be mindful of those places.
I'm very familiar with the Harnessey if you like to travel
with me, I can keep you the safes while you go on your
journeys. But as sounds like you want to
go other direction because I'm going this way so I goes right
goodbyes. OK.
Bye guys. And I's lots of fugue.
Hello. So now that he's gone, I left
with you. He's stupid.
He's obviously a vampire. I'm a bet.
Well, yeah, no shit. I'm a regular normal bet and
he's like, oh, I can see at night him vampire.
I am bad. I smell things.
I smell blood, man. He go right.
Oh, I'm so confused. Ah yes, the blood is thick now.
Like blood. So one homie once again says
left and the other homie once again says right.
Ancient Riddle. And we only have a week.
To go get ice and come back and bring ice and break my best
friend back. It's true.
What do we do? You should have let me just
threaten them. I agree the option is still on
the table. Fugue is still there.
Alright, let's go continue our threat water board.
Water board, OK Water board. Garlic board.
This motherfucker excuse. All right.
So you ready to do it? Caleb.
Yes, So hopefully, hopefully I can get enough.
A good amount of roll to have my Spidey webs wrap him like a
little burrito, turn them upside down and tea back him with the
garlic. I like this plan.
Roll your sly for me. Excited. 9 nine Hell yeah. +3
Oh, plus 3/12/12. We we, we call that a major
success muchacha. So you're going to go ahead and
wrap up, fugue the bat and dangle him, well, like a bat in
front of the garlic and he's that sort of thing.
No, wait, I'm definitely allergic to say, garlic, as
normal bats usually are. Please, no, please.
No. Then tell us where the big man
went. I did.
He went. To the light.
Oh, it's coming down to not tell Tinder.
I I swear to God. I swear.
To whatever you believe in the moment that I smell his blood, I
would not lie. I'm very trustworthy.
It's going. It's going a little bit down.
You're getting a taste of it, OK?
It's going back up. So Fugue is not a bat.
And as the garlic goes into his mouth, the bat burst.
It's like a big ball of smoke. And he's now a sensible 5 foot
five. Really pale dude of really sharp
teeth. No, please, no.
I have the web. It turns out the web is too big
for bad. Too big for vampire.
I vampire. All right, so I I see the garlic
fell on the ground. I pick it up with my Twiggy
little legs and start flapping around his face quickly.
Shit. Oh God.
Oh fuck. Tell us where to go.
Tell us. Where he went to them off.
Now swear to Christ, which is been taken to the face value
because and vampire and leader of the damned.
But I swear to whoever he went to zero right towards the prison
yard, towards the harmless sea or does that's what you said, I
believe so he went that the way follow to Qatar.
Take us with you. Fine, fine.
I take you it. I great.
Now I go prison. I was lying.
I wanted someone else go prison. But I go pleasing with you.
Well, Tricotta is in front of us.
He'll probably get there first. He's probably already being
whipped. Right now he's.
Free. So it's to the right then let's
let's. OK.
Thank you for being honest with us.
You're very fucking welcome. I take you with the on the way
that the first stop is dip far the fucking the prison yard.
So when the was there first? Oh, the prison yard is the first
thing. Is the first thing sign out of
order? I do not know what.
So we start walking there and we get there first.
Yeah, the 1st place you're going to go to is the prison yard.
It's the first thing on the way there.
Fugue takes you to the prison yard.
He opens the door. There's no guards there.
Don't ask questions and it's a bunch of surly dude to the
pissed off of the world at large.
They all look like they know useful information, especially
if that information has to do with murder most foul.
OK, I think we may come to the right place.
Philola Takata, are you here to? And you see another vampire
who's now fully packed, transformed with his shirt off,
with his hands against a Stonewall in a dark room going.
Yes, I am more pleasant than ever.
Someone whipping him or something, He's getting hello
whipped. Really wish I didn't have.
On euphemistically or with an actual whip.
I saw this once in television program.
They love to whip vampires. He's very nice.
Okay. So we see a room full of other
Yeah, you you've seen Shawshank Redemption.
Imagine it's like a like a big blackboard, Lots of burly dudes
of the prison warden. There's about 3 prisoners
scattered about, each more threatening than the last.
And and boy, do they that they've hurt fools.
Before. OK, so I think I'm going to go
find, I'm going to go find somebody to talk to.
So, so who's who's closest to me?
Closest to you be the prison warden.
He's kind of standing there with sunglasses on his face.
They took a while to get to the prison yard, so son's starting
to come down again and he's still wearing his sunglasses and
yeah, he's the closest to you. He's keeping an eye on 3
prisoners who are all lifting weights.
One of the prisoners is lifting A prisoner who's lifting a
weight. So, so I am.
I am a little bird, and so and in prison.
So I'm going to flap up my little wings and land on his
shoulder gently, the warden shoulder, and I'm going to speak
with my little. Speak voice, bill bird voice and
say hello Hattie. I am a crow that can speak
human. My name is Corvis.
Well, how to do Corvis? My name is Corey Hart.
Corey Hart Hello. Corey Hart?
Hello. Do you work here?
Yep, I work here. I'm the warden.
I keep an eye on these guys. I work the night shift and it's
which it currently is the night shift.
Which is why you're here. And which is why I'm here.
And why I'm wearing my sunglasses?
Well, I've heard something about people wearing sunglasses only
at. Night only for me.
You would have heard that me, Corey Hart, the prison warden,
which is Main. OK, so I see the warden.
So you're in charge of keeping all these prisoners inside the
prison? That is my job.
They try to get past me. Oh, I get cross.
Mad as hell. So we're looking for somebody.
I don't see him in this room, but he's very large, very large,
feet in a very large axe and he was covered in blood.
Have you seen anybody like that walking by or coming through?
I'll tell you, I didn't see him in the prison.
It would depend on who he murdered if he was covered in
blood, because there is one very specific type of murder that
which has been allows. But if he did that, he's not in
my prison. But I will tell you how about
how big and how. Burly we talking.
Well, everyone seems rather large to me.
But he was particularly large. He he hurt or he killed her
human. Our best friend, our mentor.
Wow. And we are very sad about it and
we we need to find out where he went.
I'll tell you what, I don't know if that particular gentleman is
here, but I can point out the three prisoners we have in the
yard. That guy on the left, pretty
big, but the smallest of the big guys.
That silly Rascal. That's our first guy.
He will be the second guy here in the middle.
He don't look like much, but he he's crafty.
He he's a real prolific liar. That's why he's in jail.
He lied on a test at the doctor's office one time.
That man's name is Brooks Avery. And the third man we have over
there, the one benching, the other dude benching the big old
thing. So that's Michael Childs.
That computes. And I would tell you his crime,
but I have to wash my mouth. That was SOAP.
OK, so so thank you very much for letting us know their names
and thanks for your help. And if you see anybody that
matches a giant man with large feet and axe covered in blood,
I'd love you to let us know. Well, I don't know how I would
do. That seeing this how you're a
bird and I doubt you have a cell phone.
That's fair. Now I will tell you this, The
sun's going down in the Prison Fun Time Hour, which we
rightfully call it here, is almost over.
So if you're going to talk to any of those damn prisoners
there, you might only have time for one.
So choose wisely. Thank you, Warden.
You're welcome. I'm going to go back to staring
at men. All right, so I flapped down to
my friends and fill them in and what happened and let them know
about silly Rascal Brooks Avery and Michael Childs.
So it's day two, guys. Yes, we're time is ticking so,
so, so do we ask these prisoners if they see anybody or do we
just keep going to the next spot and seeing if we catch a season
footprints or catch a trail somewhere.
What do you think? Any information we can catch
good at this point? DM here.
You also need a plan to kill a Witch Hunter.
No. We are small, I say.
We talked to Michael Childs. He's big.
We need someone big and scary on our side.
Like recruiting. Like break him out of jail.
I am tiny. I can fit through keyholes.
You can make fire. I can say, hey, if I make you a
freeman, you gotta owe me a favor.
OK, now keep in mind that only Corbis can speak human, so
anything you wanna mention to that guy, you gotta tell through
Corbis, OK? Well, yeah, absolutely.
That's a good plan. OK, so I'll be.
Just throwing it up and. So, so when I talk to Michael
Childs. Me, Corvis the crow, Yes.
And talk to the human Michael child.
Yes. OK, I understand.
He's gonna owe us big time. OK, I think it's a good plan and
it hadn't come with us. He's big and strong.
Yes. Or hey, if If it's not possible,
we can always just leave him at a spot we know where he's at,
OK, we we have wiggle room. You'd be amazed as possible with
me. Excellent.
OK, let's go. Let's go do this.
All right, all. You welcome to Michael Child.
Actually have an idea? Oh yeah.
Fluffy. How about you get some make some
human food? We can give it like a peace
offering. We think about that.
Maybe I can do that? Okay or this is the goal?
You need to be the six. You need to be a six.
I'm gonna make this man some tasty steak.
He probably hasn't had much food, and sure, it was good in a
while. Both for clever, clever.
That's a six plus whatever the clever is.
Ed passes. Who fucking cares?
All right, What did you say you're making again?
I'm sorry, Black Fab. A big tasty steak for the big.
Tasty. I hope he's not vegan.
Big Tasty steak for the Big Tasty man.
I mean, what? All right, so you walk up to
Michael Childs. Three animals of the big state.
OK, so so we're all, like, really struggling to carry this
giant pork prime rib here. You, you hear Brooks Avery
pointing the other. Hey, I got up there.
Bird carrying meat. Hello.
Hello are. You are you, Michael Childs?
Yeah. I can't do this.
Well, tricky, isn't it? Remember when I told you I
thought long and hard about how I knew you were gonna ask
everyone their name? Yeah, You're welcome.
So, Michael, what are you up to right now?
It seems like you're like lifting up these two other
fellows. Yeah, lifting the dude, Just
lifting some weights, dude, on top of that, guys like, yeah.
I love my favorite. So you caught my eye cuz you are
very strong and very muscly. I'm gonna put this guy down.
Thanks. Throws him 10 feet away.
Alright, what's up? So.
We are in a little bit of trouble and we're wanting to
know if we can ask you. Ask you a favor, but I know you
don't know us, but we brought you this delicious, perfectly
cooked steak as just a peace offering, so maybe you could
listen to our story. Wait for bird.
And my bird that talks human. Yeah, you got that.
That's a spider. It's a spider.
That's a frog. Yep.
And they're my friends. And we have a.
We have a tail to tell. Who you've got, You've got one.
You've got a tail. They don't have tails.
No, no, no. The tail.
The frog kind of has like a vestigial stubby thing that like
used to be a tail. But can I sell off Bluffy?
Just show it to him. Show me Show.
Me your butt and turn around and kind of wiggle my butt, it's.
Funny, nice man. And and Peter, my spider friend,
doesn't have a tail per se, but she can kind of make one.
See. Cool, huh?
That's silk. So we all have tails in a way.
And also, I just had a quick question.
Well, I was asking because who fucking made the steak?
Well, my my friend Fluffy here is an amazing cook and we have
had we have provisions and and this is the last of our
provisions we want to share with you because it looks like you
haven't had a good meal in a long time.
Maybe maybe you'd like a steak. Last thing I ate was a finger.
Oh. Like the British snack cake
ladyfingers. Or like an actual finger took it
off a guy. God.
Look, it's not like a thing. I was really hungry and before
that lunch was like some fucking chickpea salad and like, I'm not
a fucking rabbit, so I just ate a finger.
He wasn't using it. Yeah, fair it.
Was a pinky. You don't use your pinky for
nothing. Well, there are different rules
in prison, guys. Stop judging.
No, I'm, I'm in a lot of trouble for it.
Oh, OK, They said stop fucking doing that.
So you know that well does this. Steak look good to you?
Would you like to eat? This.
Hell yeah. OK, he eats all of it, including
the bone. Wow.
That's one bite. Even that was impressive.
Yeah, I'm pretty good at eating things.
So, so we we have a, we need some help and we have a proposal
for you. So I assume.
Well, I'm married. I know I don't look it, but I'm
asking. What's his husband's name?
Yeah. What's your husband's name?
Darrell. Darrell.
Was that the person you were? No, that's Little Mike.
I'm Big Mike, OK? His last name is on Child's
though. What is it?
Parrot. No.
Nice. Mike Parrot.
That's pretty good. He is in prison for
impersonating a mother. There's some strange laws in
this land, so we need some help. We are after somebody who killed
our our mentor and our best friend and we do know who did it
and he ran this direction and we need to go find them.
But we are just small, we forest creatures, and we need someone
big and strong to help us through finding him and maybe.
Maybe you can help wrap them up a little bit for us, But in
exchange for your help, we will very sneakily break you out of
prison. We will cause a distraction
where Corey Hart, the warden, will not notice or will not know
what happened, and you will be. We'll break you out of prison if
you'll help us. Does that sound like a fair
deal? Yeah, sounds.
Fucking cool. OK, That's what we're gonna do.
Thank you very much. This is the break we need.
I think we're gonna be coming up with how we are going to
distract the warden. OK, yeah.
How are you gonna get me? Out of here.
OK, great. So let's have a little huddle
and make this plan. So so you mentioned you're gonna
light fire in the block or something or what?
No. I have.
Melt the lock. Nature's greatest key I have.
Tiny little legs that are pretty tiny but pretty long at the same
time. I'm just going to go in there
and Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. OK, I've.
I've opened quite a few locks for my watch before.
I've done this a lot. Let's just say we're banned from
jewelry stores. But hey, who is it?
OK, so now we get the lock opened.
Or we can't. We can open the lock.
Then we gotta figured a way to get the warden to not look this
direction so we can run out That still open door conveniently.
Yes, I could lick his eyes. I love this plan.
You can what? His eyes lick him, Lick him.
I do have a long. Time.
I love that. Lure him by shaking your little
weird butt. He's gonna go down.
Be like, oh, what is that then? Give him a lick right in both
eyes. So I was like.
A really slimy one. We can't see out of those eyes
anymore for you dumb sunglasses. Who wears sunglasses at night
anyway? Well, it's so we can, you know,
hide behind. Anyway, it's it was a I get it.
Shut up. OK, come on.
Do your fucking plan. Let's do it, all right?
Is there a plan? And then we'll run out the door
and go down the path and go to the next spot and see if we can
find your guy. Let's do it.
I get in position all right. Before we begin this plan, can
everyone tell me their current danger level?
0. Damn Corbis is 1.
Corbis is 1 two I suck. All right, not too bad.
Not too bad, as long as nobody rules A1.
OK. Well, as long as one specific
person doesn't rule A1. OK, so you're distracting Corey
Hart. Yep, you're do that first.
Distract. Lock.
Run. Distract, lock, run.
All right. So give me a it's gonna be the
owner of a lonely one. You're wait, you're distracting
him. I'm distracting the man.
Fierce roll. I am not fierce.
I am a code all right five I'm not that fierce.
Yeah, Corey Hart is not as into Toad, but as you were hoping so.
So here's here's what happens. I'm going to describe it.
Do little Diggle. I'm wiggling my butt at the ward
and he's going to look this direction.
Why isn't he looking at me? Corey Hart is sitting there
staring off into space, thinking to himself.
Man, I wonder if I can fit a whole fist in my mouth, but not
like in a sexual way. I just want to know if I could
like. Unhinge my job far enough, I can
just put the whole damn thing in there.
He's not looking at you is what I'm getting at.
Did he say that aloud? Sure, I'm fist sized.
I'm going to jump in his mouth. Yeah.
Do hey, give me. A quick roll because this is
this is a real passing thought. This mouth is just opened.
Up. Oh fuck, it's A1 plus A1.
OK, so, but I'm not good at jumping.
I have bad news my friend. More dangerous?
So yeah, we'll see. Because you filled your last
role. I should have told you, but your
danger went up by 1:00. So the three now.
And you roll the two. Which means something dangerous
has to happen to you now. Damn up your danger level of
four. You are going to jump into the
warden's mouth. Now here's what you weren't
counting on. The Wardens from Mississippi?
No. So you.
Leap into his mouth and then you hear Corey heart.
You hear his mind. You here is mine.
Go Yeah, there's a toad in my mouth and the.
Next thing you feel is teeth no on your ass and y'all need to be
aware of this all. Right.
I'm watching this because I don't have any other plan.
I'm just like observing. No.
This motherfucker's getting eaten.
So Corvis, like, gets up as like, Flappy.
Weight in a flop of vowels, but not Corey Hart.
I really I put my anyway. On this, sorry, go ahead.
Your roles did. So I flap up to him and I'm
terrified for Fluffy. I don't want him to get eaten.
I've seen enough of death for one week, and so I get my little
black beak and start pecking those sunglasses really hard.
Just Peck, Peck, Peck, Peck, Peck give.
Me a fierce. Roll all right.
My modifier is 1. And your danger level is 1.
This is the dangerous. Movement and I rolled a three,
so I have fierce of four. Increased your danger by 1.
So he's from Mississippi, so he knows how to deal with them that
are crows. He kind of does this number at
you. He's waving his arm in front of
his face. Flying House of Daggers Dragon
shit. And he's that's a movie and he's
just like batting you away. Big hand.
Other big different hand, two hands.
Same beat. So I'm coming in guys.
So here's what. Here's what I'm gonna do.
Please Peter help this is. Tough ass word, because it's not
counting on this. A butt for a butt I'm.
Just. Gonna get a little spark in his
butt. Not big enough to kill him, but
big enough for him to stop, you know, hitting you guys in.
His butt. On his butt, On his pants.
Turn around, spanking himself. What's your What's your highest
modifier? It is sly.
That's a sly move. Let's do it very.
Sly. A7.
Plus what? 310.
Oh shit, yeah. So you very much so light his
ass on fire, man. You also just have Peter do
everything here's amazing. So the more than.
Yelps. Quick, Peter go.
You didn't think his mouth could get any wider for a whole hand
and suddenly got wider and fucking plops out of it?
He goes. Yeah, well, he's.
He's he's patting his ass. He's running.
Around. He's shitting all over his
shoulders. I'm I'm like, laughing around
fuck out of there. You got hurt just.
For the record, I'm. For a little butt.
OK, so we've got a guy whose pants are literally on fire.
Phase two. Phase two is me picking luck.
Yep. Peter.
Peter, Peter the lock picker. That's a clever role.
So let's do a clever to see if you can get Michael Childs out
of jail. Please, this is for you Michael.
The spider fucking yell at me. I got 8.
Holy shit. OK, yeah, that's exactly what
you needed. Luckily, I need to be better
about telling you what number to beat for these situations.
But it was 8. Keep us guessing anyway.
So you picked the lock and Michael Childs walks on out.
Have you ever seen weird back a dinosaur story?
Then this reference will only make sense to Jenny.
But you are a John. Good.
Michael Childs is a John Goodman dinosaur walking his way down
Broadway, and he's storming up to Corey Hart.
Whose pants are still on fire? Cuz you're hold of 10 and Corey
Hart looks up at him and goes ah shit, you should let me out of
here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's probably
for the the best. Cool.
Hey bird, when I get my shoulder.
I flap right up there, perch on the shoulder.
Sick tote prison pocket. I I humbly go to the prison
pocket. Of shame.
Hell yeah, Spider. You can go on like my other
shoulder. I wanna be higher.
My head. Deal.
Peter, you are really fierce. Thank.
That's what I'm saying. I love everything you've been
motivated to do in this game has been because you were upset,
You're fierce. That was a 0.
I mean I just have a lot to prove.
Can we have a Level up episode Now we can.
Do a level up right fucking now cuz you're cuz you've gone
through like half of this adventure.
You haven't had any failed roles.
A different God appears in the sky.
This God looks like a spider God too.
Spider God and looks at you and goes set up pay you to.
Hey. I saw that was pretty cool.
You wanna get some fierceness in you?
I mean kinda touch. My spider leg.
OK. Yeah, this is like Michael and
the fucking the God guy. Adam, what the hell?
I'm not that God. The creation of.
The creation of your fierce point.
It's a one Now I. Know, guys, I'm fierce.
Now I am not crying because crying is not fierce.
It was eventually one. Yeah.
Thank you guys. It's.
Nice to be seen. Going back to spider heaven with
his flies all over the place. Also, spider heaven is fly head.
So you're leaving the prison yard of your own volition, OK?
And you're walking down the road.
It's, it's it's the it's the next day, it's the afternoon.
It's a long walk. It's the day.
The day three. It's the day three.
Don't worry. Everything's.
How? Many days.
Do we have to complete 7 OK in a week?
OK. And then you got to bring it
back. We have two more places and then
come back. Yeah, you got to get.
Back so next place is which is bang.
Well, the next place on your Rd. here off the entrance of which
is being a still a ways away, but on the way there there's a
delightful little shop. It's a little brick house, looks
like it's a little mom and pop shop.
It's been in the family for generations, A little bit on the
older side and it says harmacy. And there's a little sign
outside of the door. It's like a little flower
decorations on it. It's written a little sweet
font, two cupids pointing arrows at it.
It's real nice and it says. Enter if you dare.
So I'm really hoping this is a shop we can get ourselves some
gear for Michael Childs. We need to get him some.
Oh yeah, they took all my shit at prison and they also took on
my shit. And we gotta get him some
underwear. Yeah, you know, when I.
That Dick is flapping too much. Let me tell you, it's also very
smelling in prison pocket, like a metronome down there.
Oh. God, that's where I keep my
prison stuff. OK, let's go in guys.
What do you think? Do we dare?
Yes. We do dare.
All right, So welcome to the pharmacy.
It's like a pharmacy, but it's run by a crazy lady with only
one eye, and everything in this store is intended to fuck up a
guy. Everything on the shelves, You
see weapons, You see vials of questionable liquids.
You see a copy of The Notebook on DVD.
Let's pick that up. I already love her and her one
eye is like twitching all over the place.
It's like if an eye who had a pinball for a pupil and she has.
Hello, I'm a crow. You sure are.
My name is Corvis. What can I do for?
What's your name? Batty 2 Shoes.
Batty 2 shoes Nice to meet you Batty 2 shoes cuz I got a Batty
I love to sing. Wow, so you let me get this
straight. So you have a shop full of
appears to be lots of weapons and other other harmful things.
And you love to sing? Yes.
I'd wink at you, but it looked like I'm blinking.
Because you have one eye. Yes, a very astute.
Crow you are. Did you always have one eye or
did you lose one eye? No, I was born with one eyeball.
But is there room for a second eyeball somewhere?
Or is your body just only able to have one?
I'm used to it, you know. I get to wear a cool eye patch
sometimes. I switch it out.
This is my Tuesday Eye patch. So you cover up your eye, or you
cover up your other blank spot. She like takes the eye patch off
to show you and like a Caterpillar falls out of an
empty hole in her face. I am so fucking hungry, dude.
You. Wanna eat it?
I'm gonna go for it. Yeah.
Do a do a neutral roll to see if you can use your tongue and cut
the Caterpillar. No.
Nope. So you're in a Harnessey and
what did you roll? 4 Cool.
Put your danger level up by 1. Great, your tongue misses the
Caterpillar and it hits a razor blade that was on the counter.
That hurt me in real life. That's my personal one.
Anyway, how's your tongue? Great.
What can I do? I can't understand Toad.
I don't know what he said. What can I do you for?
So we we need to get some armor, some weapons, but we don't have
any any money. Do you?
Do you offer credit at the harmacy?
We don't exchange goods and services for money, we exchange
them for vengeance. Oh, have we got a story for you?
Yeah. I need to go kill a guy for a
vengeance, I think. Yeah, yeah, convincing.
This really bad, really bad man killed our best friend and we
need to go kill him in return. That's vengeance.
I believe that is pretty close to vengeance, but what I speak
of is a vengeance for me. I have a long, long hit list.
Are you familiar with Richard Nixon?
Isn't he like a human? Yes, he was a former president
of a country far away from the woods.
Don't ask questions. But he had a hit list of
celebrities who he considered to have wronged him, as do I.
So you go like dives under her table and you hear like bottles
clicking around and smashes. You hear a woman scream.
Different woman, and she pops back up with a huge tattered
list and it has a few names on it.
And she says you may choose any of these people to murder.
They all live in Witches Bane. But if you agree, I will give.
You all the weapons, potions, and sad DVD's you want.
Oh, so this is a side quest? Let's do it.
I have amazing firepower. Anything can burn.
Let's do it all right. Who's the closest one?
We'll take care of it for you. They're all relatively close.
I'll give you a few options here.
Your Here's the here's the list of names.
On my hit list, we have Teen Higgins.
He's a lifeguard. He wouldn't let me swim.
Is he 18 or is he a team? His name is Team.
I believe it's short for 18. We have Jonathan Drownman, we
have Henrietta Hydrophobe, we have little Tommy Stepson I
have. Three more options for you.
We have Jennifer Dracula, Sonny Will Fight and Nathaniel
Hawthorne. Who's the smallest of on that
list? That would be Little Tommy
Stepson. Let's do him When he's a 10 year
old boy, he sneeze next to me. I'm not above.
Childhood I've heard of, you know, some sort of virus going
around, so I think you know he deserves to die.
We've contained that virus here. Yeah, that's why he should die.
Wait, so are we talking about a vengeance of death or a
vengeance of like, I don't know, stealing something?
It's like like goldfish or something.
Oh, and the same question. I had him considered revenge
outside of murder. Yes, murder.
You're OK with murder, right, guys?
Oh yeah, I've done it plenty. OK.
Do you have any, any any tips or things that you think we could
use to help with our our vendetta?
He's a 10 year old boy. I would imagine most things
would work. You have a big burly man with
you, don't you? Yes.
Yeah, I'm for for fucking huge. Yeah.
So, you know, pull his underwear as hard as you can until he
bleeds to death. Pack his eyes out.
Throw him in a vata vas. I don't really care.
However you would choose to murder him, everything in my
sore is open to you. Use your imaginations.
Poison apple, Poison Caramel apple.
Well, yeah, because a 10 year old would like something.
And we just grab. OK, let's do it.
All right. You're a spider, aren't you?
So it says no. You.
Just bite him. Yeah, let's do it.
Get him So the Harnessey is is free game now that you've agreed
to murder little Tommy Stepson in addition to your witch
hunter. But like I said, the store full
of weapons, poisons, potions, sharp things, heavy things,
Things that cause harm, I mean. And you had a big, burly guy who
has two whole prison pockets. 02.
Three if you count the one on there, Three if you count the
frog's mouth. So we can grab a bear trap.
Bear trap's good, yeah, black. Bear traps trap.
What about one of those, like, those little things you swing
around in a stick with a heavy ball at the end?
The Mace. Yeah, Mace.
OK, let's grab one, OK? OK and.
Probably carry like one more thing.
I like the idea of a poison apple in case we but maybe we
just go go bag or go home. What do you think?
Yeah, we can go big with, Let's see, bow and arrow blowtorch.
Give me Iron Maidens grenades. Yes?
She reads it out and hands you a CD.
OK, I know I. Think so?
If they're in the back, they're very big.
OK, maybe not that. OK, So what weapons we got?
We got a bear trap. OK, bow and arrow and you gotta.
That'll be good. I.
Mean bow and arrow poison. He's small.
Yeah, let's do it. All right, let's go.
We're loaded up all those things.
OK, so Michael Childs, the prisoner you helped escape, is
currently carrying in his pockets a bear trap and some
poison and on his back he's carrying a bow and arrow.
I just putting that out there for the audience.
And also, so I don't forget, now you leave the harmlessy Batty
like waves you off like that old couple and The Princess Bride
and fun storming the castle. Have fun murdering a boy and you
start your journey further down the road and you are now
entering the bustling small cottage city of witches.
Bame, right? This might be bad, considering
we have a wanted criminal with us.
Oh, I'm not wanted here. Oh wait, no, I feel the way.
I'm very wanted here. It's OK.
I'm just going to use my web to give him a wig.
Is Michael Child still naked? No, I'm in my prison suit.
OK, when was I naked? Someone sucks me off.
He just didn't have underwear on it, OK?
It's because I said prison pocket.
That normally means asshole. No, I mean like my jumpsuit as
pockets. OK?
I can see where the confusion came.
From but the. Clear Things are fully dressed.
Nothing is in my asshole. They sucked it all out at me
when I got to prison. Your whole asshole.
Yeah, Remember I told you that took my shit.
I meant to. Okay.
So we're heading into the town. Yeah, welcome and DM.
Do we know where little Tommy's stepson lives?
Well, she didn't tell you, but I can tell you what's in Witch's
Bane. Okay.
As you enter the town of Witch's Bane, you see a sign.
As previously established, you can read signs.
It says Welcome to Witch's Bane, where everyone's a witch hunter.
The village has a ghoulish orange glow to it.
Everything feels like clay or is bathed in a dimly lit light.
It's like you're walking during the last half of the first
Halloween movie. Your presence does not alarm
anyone, not off the bat anyway, but even the slightest hint of
anything witchy could trigger anyone in this town.
Now, in the middle of town, Big town circle, you see three
different maps directly to three different areas of town, which I
will now read for you. The first of the Family burbs.
The family burbs is for those looking to start a family, maybe
kill a witch. There's the steam blowing a
district, which is for scandalous activity that does
not involve witches. And there is the law making a
Culdesac for the people who run the town and encourage laws like
killing witches. OK.
And it's. The family one, Yeah, yeah.
The witch hunter and a small boy to find.
Do you think we'll be? Triggering any alarms?
If we're small woodland creatures walking through this
town, do you think we got to hide or you think we're OK?
I think we just need to stick to our spots on Michael.
OK, cool. And maybe not talk to anybody.
OK, I'll keep my mouth, my beak shut.
OK, let's walk towards the burbs.
We're going to the Family Burbs. The family Burbs is a nice
little quaint town. White picket fences, pink roofs.
Everyone's out wandering their lawns.
It's the middle of the night. Who fucking cares?
This is a creepy little town. There are four little white
houses. In front of 1 you see a family
of three. There is a very small girl
playing with a ball, a mom drinking heavily, and a dad
playing Sudoku. At the next house, there is a
large pool in the front yard. Whoa.
But no one's outside of that house right now.
The third house has an abnormally large door mat that
covers the entire porch, and a very abnormally large porch
swing adjacent to the mat. You can't read the mat from
here, but just for my own fun little benefit, it says live,
laugh, love, But again, huge covers the whole porch in the
last house. You see.
There's a sign in front of it that says welcome to the
stepsons. Well, that was easy.
OK, yeah, it's that one. OK, I'm all right.
I just got a whisper to Michael where to go and let's go get
that long muff. OK, let's go walk over there.
And I'm going to. All right, Michael, I'm going
to. We're gonna walk over to this
house, stepson's house. We're gonna.
Look in the front yard, Dean. What do we see in the front
area? Any, any.
Any little kids. In not many little kids.
But in the front yard you see a slingshot.
You see some army men scattered about across the floor.
You see a little piece of paper that says Jimmy's soul.
You see a large blue door with a little sign in front of the door
that says everyone here is loved.
I hate this place. I think we should just burn the
whole house. That's an option.
Well, let's look in the windows, make sure the family, or at
least the boys in there, and then let's like this.
I gotta tell you guys, you're the most fucked up.
Good ideas I've ever met. We're angry.
What? All right, you can't understand
me. How many?
Animals, Yeah. How many animals have you met
for including you guys? Let's peer through the window
and see what we can see. Sick roll.
All of you roll for clever cuz this is not safe. 7 A7OK.
Peter, so great. 54. We're doing clever, you say?
Doing clever 4. OK, I only got a four as well.
You only got a four. OK, OK, good news, bad news,
good news. Well, bad news first.
Bad news. Fluffy and Corvis.
Your danger level increases by 10.
No, I'm a three now. You rolled under your danger
number, so here's what happens. You passed, by the way, Peter,
so. So fierce.
Birds and frogs are very recognizable animals.
A spider, it may be days before you see it, so when you all look
through the window, also you're on a very large man.
Food has a very big serial killer vibe to him.
When you all look through the window, you see a woman who is
holding a you know what, I'm going to just fucking say it.
A 10 year old boy on her lap, bumping him up and down and
nursing him. No, my eyes.
You should just. Take my eyes out, all 12 of
them. She turns around, sees Michael
Childs with a crow on his shoulder and a frog.
I'm going to just say in his pocket.
He's a very tall dude. It's a very tall window, but
does not see the spider. OK, so here's what she does.
And then the door swings open and you see a man.
Normal size skinny man. Doesn't look like he's very
intimidating, except for the fact that he's holding a gun and
he aims at Michael Childs. This is cute.
Who, Who? Who are you?
He says to Michael Childs. I'm Michael.
This is Corvis. That's a frog.
Somewhere around here is a spider.
I don't. Know where she went?
But I'm supposed to have one, I don't think.
Shut up, Michael. OK, you got 3 seconds to get off
my property before I shoot your head.
He's a very nervous man. All.
Right, so the corvus, the bird flies up to get out of the way
of the blast of the shotgun. OK, what do you?
Do I would like to hop out of his pocket?
Cuz you know he's more considered with a man than the
animals. Sick both of you roll for quick.
Oh. Boy, this dice just does not
like me. Are you fucking serious?
I. Am genuine.
This is the worst. This is a gun situation.
I got a 5A5 with your quick Yep. Oh shit.
And what did you get? 4 total.
OK, so you've rolled above your danger level, luckily, but it
goes up by 1. Did you roll under your danger
level again? What are you at now, 770?
Fuck Fluffy. OK, I'm sorry, but we're in the
end game. I'm.
The fluffiest frog there ever was.
So nervous. Dad doesn't have a name.
Shut up. He is pointing the shotgun.
Michael Child's in A walk closer to him and he's going to fire.
He's going to hit Michael's pocket, which you did not
successfully get out of Fluffy. You are shot and you flop onto
the ground. I'll talk with you in a second.
You didn't roll, You roll the bugger.
Danger level. You don't get away.
Part of the shrapnel from the shotgun launches.
It hits you in the foot. Michael Childs grabs his hip in
pain. It's bleeding profusely, falls
over and he says oh oh oh shit, this really.
Oh shit, Desserts. But now I want to draw our
attention to people. The spider.
Peter, you passed your role. Let me tell you what that means
for you. You're gonna take full advantage
of the open door opportunity. I'm a terrified mother who ran
into the room and little Tommy stepson who's an idiot and
doesn't know what's going on. And it's still in the front
room. You are a bone undetected in the
living room with little Tommy Stepson.
What do you do? So he's shaking.
His mom just screamed. He doesn't have a boob anymore.
So he's shaking, shivering. I'm taking advantage of him
moving around. I'm just crawling up his back,
crawling up to his neck, sitting on his collar, and hopefully I
can bite. Yeah, hopefully you can.
Let's do a fierce roll. Oh, fierce.
And you have no danger level, right?
As far as I know. Fierce drag, Jewels.
I got a three. OK, so you're not going to
poison him. Your danger level will go up by
1:00 because you needed to be the seven in this instance.
But I will say this little Tommy feels you on the back of his
neck and is gonna lift up his hand to try and smack you.
Can you do a quick roll for me? Absolutely.
Oh heck no. I will not die by this little
manchild. Aren't you lagging on a side
quest? I got a 7 A7.
Great. Yeah?
No, you get away easily. Yeah?
And then he whacks himself in the back of the neck as hard as
he can. He hasn't had his milk for the
day. He knocks himself out.
OK, so he's knocked out now, OK? Right.
But we gotta kill it. But we have, we have lots of
weapons. We have bone arrow, Bear trap.
The guy holding all of those weapons is currently bleeding
out on the ground. Can I try and bite him again?
Yeah, that's just a little side quest.
Let's move on guys. Yeah, fair.
OK, is it a sly quick, clever fears?
What did we do last time? Fears.
It's a little fears for me. Alright, I'm just gonna try
again. I got a four A4.
OK, well raise your danger level one more time. 4 mates out of
two now, but he's unconscious, so the threshold to beat him.
We're going to allow you to bite him but and we are going to
allow you to poison him, but he's going to be awake for it.
So he golts The way he he puffs up his neck hurts.
He may have snapped a little bit.
A spider just bit him and he's going to yell.
Mommy, Mommy, I got bit by something and I'm just scared by
$1 million. And then the mom runs downstairs
and she sees you, the spider. Mom's always know where the
spider is and she points to the spider, says.
Jim, Jim, come shoot it. So the Jim with his gun comes
back in the house and points the gun at the spider.
So I'm going to shoot it. Do a quick girl for me.
Wait. Oh no.
Is she still on his son? Are you still?
On his coat. While you wait, I am.
Okay, I'm ready to come save the day.
What did you roll? I rolled the three.
Above your danger level, yes, but increase it again so you
escape the guns. But we're on the kid.
So he kills his son for. It's his son.
Yes, but now the whole neighborhood's on high of.
Now. Here.
Congratulations. You successfully murdered little
Tommy Stepson with the ultimate weapon, a dad.
But but here's the real problem now, folks.
We have a mass murderer who's been shot in front of the front
yard. He can't help you anymore.
He's in a lot of pain. We have a whole neighborhood who
just heard. Three people screaming and two
gunshots. So now the whole neighborhood is
on high alert. They're all coming out of their
houses, They want to know what's going on.
But the most important person you see comes out of the House
of the abnormally large welcome mat.
He stands at 7 feet tall, size 20 boots and he's.
Carrying an axe. Oh my God.
The witch hunter is in this culdesac.
And he's on high. Now, before we continue, let's
take a brief pause here. What is everyone's current
danger level dying? You're at 7.
I know that. You're at 3:00. 4.
Four. Keep those in mind for whatever
you plan next. OK, so so we're in like a crisis
situation. Everyone's a high alert.
Everyone sees. Everyone's eyes are on this.
House. Everyone's run into the house.
The dad is weeping bitterly into a gun.
So Corvus has been on the roof, kind of observing this.
He flies down through the chimney into into the living
room, and he picks up Peter and Peter climbs on to his little
wing, back, back of his wing, and I'm clapping and I go into
the front yard, to the front door.
And I see Fluffy lying there, bleeding and.
Yeah, there's a whole ass bullet and.
You, my friend, and I can. I patch him.
Uh, yeah. Do a clever role your web.
Yeah, it's gonna give him a low band.
Aid low Band-Aid? Yeah, stop that.
News A healing Band-Aid. Oh.
God. UH-3.
Alright, OK, OK, Don't need to raise your danger level because
you were hidden on a. Roof.
You're on the back of my on my little bird back.
I flew down to the house, out the front door.
OK, OK, not going to raise your danger level, but you try to.
Here's the thing about bullets. Not usually curable with a
bandaid. So you were just putting spider
goo around a bullet wound. It does nothing, but that's what
you get for a failed role in this instance.
You just got a dying chef toad over here.
This fluffy dying then. Fluffy is mortally wounded.
Very dying. Where we're We're getting You
gotta figure this out now, Home Slice.
So what's next? We see our target.
The whole neighborhood, in a town where they are said to
everyone is a witch Hunter, is currently now wondering why the
fuck a man shot his son. So, so what's Michael status?
Michael Status shot in the hip with a shotgun at pretty point
blank range. Has anyone who knows anything
about guns like I sure as hell am?
Uh huh. He's pretty incapacitated.
He can't walk. Got a good chunk out of him.
So everything you need is currently in your wounded
friends pockets. So.
So it's not like an Elmer Fudge shotgun situation.
No, not like it. No.
His he His beak is right where it should be.
Can we steal something from him? Yeah, perhaps some.
I I think, well, I can't, can't carry a bear trap and I'm not
very good with bows and arrows. So poison is probably our best
bet, right? And this is it's gonna be like I
got the most caustic poison I could find, so it should be able
to eat through skin or metal or clothes or whatever else.
Ah, take acid, if you will. Which?
Yes, also known as an acid. I think we should do that.
I I'm gonna look at my surroundings.
That's a really nice suburbs, you know, it's a middle class.
Good place to raise your kids. We all, like neighbors, would do
something really nice for you. Like big you and apple pie.
Maybe we just lay low tonight. OK, yeah.
We don't have to do this tonight.
True. Good point.
OK, where are we hiding but? What do we do with Michaels?
Is he just? I'll answer that question so you
know how a bunch of fucking witch hunters came out to see
what the hell was going on, and they see a wounded prisoner in
front of a front yard? Yeah, they dogpiled him.
OK, so he's essentially out of the picture.
So here, here's what needs to happen.
He's on the ground. He's he's, you know, doing his
best to fight them off. If you want that poison, the
time is now. OK, let's do it.
Let's dirt it. So.
So I'm I'm probably the fastest ones.
I'm a bird and. What's your point is?
Deadly, Dying you're. Actually, yeah, actually put
your quick at 0 now because you have a bullet in you.
I'm fucking like I was gonna let you keep it, but now I'm
changing your stats. That's fair, OK.
All right, so all right, I'm I'm quick if I need to do rolls.
Yeah, yeah, roll for you. Fuck it straight up.
Roll for quick if, see if you get the poison.
Oh my gosh, No2. 20 buddy, And that's under your danger.
Level. So let's talk about what happens
to Corvis. First, raise your danger to
five. You rolled under your danger
level, so something bad has to happen to you for us into the
proverbial lions den you go to try and get poison from.
Man, you dive in there and some fucking loser who has this voice
points at you and says. Hey, a crow, that's what.
Witches use, and now they spotted you, and now they're
coming at you too. OK.
All right, so. Peter.
Let's see here to save the day again.
I'm going to light the neighbor's house on fire.
Which which one the steps since? No, no, no.
The next to the stepsons. Because on stepsons, poor
Michaels on the floor, he's getting dogpiled.
I think I should light the neighbors house on fire, the one
with the nice family in it, because they'd want to go and
rescue everyone. OK, Yeah, go for it.
Do I get a quick clever? Oh, this is.
Gonna This will be a fierce role because you're lighting a whole
house on fire. Really not sly.
Whatever, OK. I'm pretty sure it's sly because
it's. Diane.
Fine to a sly. OK.
I mean, I'm pretty sly. Yes, I slightly.
Light a house. On I'm over being fierce.
I'm gonna get an e-mail like you gave your wife's personal.
Privileges. And yeah, you fuck it.
You do something mad means of the person you live with.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Peter ate their spouse. Roll a sly.
OK. For sly a three.
What's your danger level? A3.
OK, so it's not under. You don't lay the house on fire.
Danger level does go up to four, the house very much so.
Not on fire. In fact.
You just kind of like a Bush on. Fire.
It's like you missed and the family does like kind of look at
like, why is there a Bush on fire?
What's going on there? Moses.
I'll roll with that. Yeah.
You want to be? I guess we're two husbands.
Here we go. Honey, look, Moses.
Oh my God. It's God.
They're praying to the Bush. That's what happens.
This got up here in the Bush. No, this is the Bush on fire,
much like it was for Moses. All right, so we have Corbis and
Michael Childs, both of them being attached by witch hunters
with a Bush on fire and a bleeding toad.
I'm. Not having a good day, boss.
What's your next plan? Any ideas?
Fluffy. Well, I can either stay here and
not be dead. You still gotta get that poison.
I do. Gotta get that poison.
I'm gonna do something heroic. I'm gonna try to get that
poison. Okay.
Cuz I know that pocket like the back.
Of the man I know. Exactly where that.
My God, the heroes are all right.
Get this poison, then. I'm dying.
Let's up the stakes. Do a sly roll.
Gonna use your tongue from a distance.
Try and get that poison. Do a sly roll and I'll tell you
what you have to beat. It's an.
It's an 8. 8. Hello.
Oh my God, it's showing it eight.
I got it. I got exactly. 8 The fluffy
rolls. A10 basically.
Fluffy has been through the ringer, sliced their tongue, got
shot. And yet the little toad that
could slightly launches their tongue through a wave of people
lands in the pocket and gets the vial of acid.
Corvus, how are you getting now? Oh God, did you eat it?
No. It's just in my mouth, sideways,
like like a horse's bit. Of all the noises you could have
made, Gulp was not the one I would have picked.
Well, it's a mouth noise. It's a mouth noise, Corvus.
OK, How you getting out of the situation?
So because I speak human. Oh.
And no one knows I speak human because I'm a bird, right?
I very loudly and very shrewdly and very cleverly yell at the
top of my voice. There's a witch.
I see the witch over there down the street and and try to get
the witch hunters off of us towards this fictional witch.
OK, roll clever for me, OK? All right, this is good.
I got 10. Hell yeah.
OK, so you points across the street, There's a person there
It is a you know what it is? A 6 foot 6 gangly, sickly
looking individual who has lost his voice.
Oh darn. And what do you scream?
There at the end of the street a witch.
Tall. Gangly, Sickly.
Get them. Everybody like that's what a
witch looks like. They all say it at the same time
and they turn around and they Mull that motherfucker.
And so they're all, they're all left.
They're all gone bleeding. Body You are a target.
They're all like. They're all mobbing him like
they're like he's The Beatles Okay, specifically John Lennon
at that one airport. Anyway, alright guys, let's get
out of here. Let's get back to the pharmacy
and see if we can get some medicine or something there to
help patch us up so we can finish our quest.
Alright. Okay, that'll cost you one
tribal day. Welcome to day four.
In the morning, Batty 2 Shoes has removed your bullet and has
kind of like passed up your wings, your little fucked up.
Peter, you're fine. I have a question.
Yeah, what song is playing during this healing montage?
The the song you hear in the background is it's kind of like
one of those 10 hour loop YouTube videos and it's it's
it's the chipmunks covering Madonna's like a Virgin.
Oh. Man, that's incredible. 10 hour
loop. It's my.
Favorite. With the original or the
chipmunks? Version the chipmunks version.
Yeah, yeah, for 10 hours on loop.
It's a huge. Record James can do no wrong
well. My it seems that you got a
little bit of the fucked up side.
I don't know why you came to a Harnessey to get fixed, but
luckily for you I had, you know, big sharp tweezers for taking
bullets out and I had some duct tape for your wings.
Great, great. I feel much better.
Thank you. And you know what we were able
to do for Michael? He was bleeding out of the hip.
Very badly. Did you bring Michael?
Michael came along with this. Yeah, he lived along.
Why not? Why not?
Well, he's gonna he's he's gonna have some some down time.
OK. So let me tell you, I looked at
his leg. Wow, it's gone.
Wow. Yeah, I haven't seen that
missing leg. No.
It's not there. So he's a little.
He he's going to take a long nap in the back, but I did get the
bear trap and the bow and arrows for you, but you're all very.
Small OK, so we need to reequip. So Peter, what kind of weapon do
you want? What would work best for your
little spider body? Are you able to stack things?
Like let's say I get a low roll on fire, can I bring a lighter
fluid with me to give me extra points?
We got hella lighter fluid dog. OK, I'd like some lighter fluid.
Sure, that'll be. One revenge.
Wait, what? Yeah, You've had the weapons I
gave you before you revenge the little boy.
How about you keep Michael? Yes.
Ah, the ultimate revenge. Keeping a man just.
Keep him. When he gets better, he will
kill whoever you want. We just really need this.
We have. Three more days, just please.
And have I said. Your eyelashes are so cute.
Oh my God oh whatever. It talks about my eyelashes.
I I always put two of them on the same.
Eyes. I know, I know.
It is. It's great.
And maybe you were born with it. I was gonna make you roll, but I
love that too much. Yeah, that fucking works.
I'll do whatever you want. Oh God, now I'm crying.
She like lifts her eye patch and some waterfalls out of the hole.
You're so beautiful. It smell two lacs on.
One eye. Oh, that's great.
You'd like to see my assortment of small things.
Yes, please. She pulls, she pulls out, you
know, like a little tiny suitcase.
It looks like baby's first suitcase, like a boss baby
situation. And she opens it up and inside
you've got vials of acid. We've got cyanide, we've got
poison Fang enhancements. Not FDA approved, but they say
that makes your Fang is more poisonous.
We've got lighter fluid we've got.
A pill that just has a question mark on it and that's what we're
working with, Okay. So if you can take one thing.
Okay, Corvis, you have gotten us out of a lot of Pickles.
What do you think? I'm a man.
I actually, when we were healing during the montage, the
Chipmunks montage, I went into the kitchen and found a melon
baller. I thought this might be great
for getting the eyes out of the Witch Hunter.
We need that for the. To finish the finish the the the
quest. So I got I got This didn't
describe I got this melon baller and I don't know if I can get
something else. I might get a razor blade to
take to a wing, but if this is all I can take then I'd be OK
with just the just the melon baller.
I think that's amazing, guys. Am I OK to take lighter fluid?
What do you think? I think it's a great idea.
How many points does it add? 1.
OK, fine. We'll take it.
That's a good point. Yeah, and now we wouldn't be
more lenient, but you know, it's the end game.
I I think taking a cyanide pill for me is a good idea because
one I if if do. You need help I don't think.
Sorry, I need a lot of emotional support, but also I could put it
in some food to give to the guy. Bake him a pie or something.
I could conjure him a pie. All right, great.
So we've got a Corvis who's taking a melon baller and a
razor blade. Two items I definitely put on
the table for you. We've got Peter, who took
lighter fluid like a goddamn circus away performer, and we've
got Fluffy taking a cyanide pill just in case everything goes
wrong. You got to have options.
You got to bite the pill, OK? Or have him bite it.
Are we going back to Witch's Bane?
Well. We have to.
That's where. That's where the big doormat is.
All right. So I'm going to assume we're
going straight to big doormat. Okay, Ted, I you're there.
It is the afternoon of day four. You're on the doormat.
That doormat still says live, laugh, love the the gang, the a
few new things about the Culdesac.
There's a bunch of police tape around the the stepson's house.
The gangly man who was brutally murdered by all of the witches
in town is currently being used as a scarecrow.
And by a scarecrow, I mean they tied him to a stop sign and he
encouraged his cards to stop. And yeah, that's what's new.
Also, I did notice Why are there a whole bunch of candles and
flowers and piles of money around the Bush I had lit on
fire? They're Catholic.
Oh. Like both Pitch Hunters.
Am I God? You did meet God.
Somebody you might. Be twice even.
And my God, there's like a tiny picture of a spider in the Bush.
There's. Like some toast with your image,
I can print it on it. This is a news reporter with
like a spider web gold necklace around in front of it, being
like we are standing here in front of the historic spider
Bush where it said that a spider God lit it aflame and spoke to
the men who live in this home. When they interview one of the
men, like, yeah, I don't did see it.
I saw that spot like my Bush over.
OK. So we need to make a plan guys,
right. So let's talk about this.
So, so we have the Witch Hunter. He's home, I presume.
I mean, we need to test that out.
But DM here. We should we should roll an
investigation check. No, he's home.
OK, he's home. All right, so how do we get him
out? Do we?
Do we entice him with the sweet
smell of of some food? Do we?
We do some. What do you guys think?
Flamming bag of poo it always. Works and where would you get
poo? We're animals.
Well, Quervis does poop a lot. What?
To do. You did shit on that guy's
shoulder. We don't have a bag.
Oh, we could put it on that. Lovely welcome, Matt.
I hate that Matt. Perfect.
It's so true. Are you the Ding Dong ditch of
the poop to get this back? But before we do that, we should
have. The food ready.
Yes. Wait, wait, so we're pooping on
the mat and giving food? I'm very confused.
Right? On basis let's make sure that we
have everything. How about we do this?
How about we put some food on the on the on the mat, One of us
hits the doorbell. Maybe my beat can do it.
And then when he comes out, maybe you can light him on fire
and I'll scoop his eyeballs out before they before they before
they evaporate in the flames. Only if he doesn't take the food
to eat, right? Because you're putting cyanide
in the food. Yeah, I can do that.
OK. I can do that.
That's not a bad slam. But if the roll is low then.
You know, I get backup plan. Yeah.
OK, so poison number one goal, fire backup plan.
Poison. Scoopy the eyes.
Fire. Scoopy the eyes.
OK. Scoopy the eyes.
Either way, you. Need those eyes?
OK, here we go. Fluffy.
Here I go. Now a few things before fluffy
rolls. Fluffy as the Angel level is
still 7. Very.
And you're making a sly roll I am to conjure up, cyanided.
Food, a delicious pie and hide. Damn you.
Damn, you indeed. All right, hit me all.
Right. I wonder what's for dinner.
Let's go for it. Here we go.
Oh my God. OK.
And 11:00 that. This is the most delicious pie
I've ever. How are you rolling?
Well, now that you like in the most possible danger anyway.
Work well under pressure. All right, so you conjure the
most fucking appetizing pie you ever did see.
Do you 3 eat pie? No.
Could you be convinced now? Yes.
What's in the pie? Fluffy.
This is the This is the best damn blueberry boysenberry pie
you ever set your fucking eyes. On More like poisonberry, am I
right? It's.
Gonna be a minute. Motherfucker.
All right, Are you gonna sign at the pie now?
Yeah, let's pie night it up, man.
Pie night it up, dude. I feel mean.
No, you do not. I just have a pie and I have a
cyanide pill. Yeah, you're right.
Put it in there. Is it dangerous for me to put a?
Thing in a thing. No, you already conjured it.
Put it in. Put it.
In in the pie it goes. Great.
OK, now who's ringing the doorbell?
OK, my little beak's gonna ring the doorbell.
Roll for quick, Roll for beak, roll for beak.
OK5 plus wait wait for it. 6. And above your danger, just
barely. OK, Corvis, you jam that
doorbell. You fly away from the doorbell.
Oh my God, I'm feeling live again.
It's like I'm 17 and the door opens and a nice sweet old woman
walks out and she picks up the pie and she smells it and she
goes, ah, pyonide and she goes back into the house.
The next thing you hear is a loud.
Booming, deep male voice. Boy, did I paint myself into a
corner here. But it goes.
Who was that? Grandma.
It's a lovely little. Pie, would you like some
grandson? Sure, What flavor?
Pie, you know my sniffer don't work.
I'm going to leave it right here on the door mat for you.
She turns, looks out the door, sees you, Corbis hiding behind
something and winks and goes back upstairs.
I love her. She's probably a wedge.
She's my favorite, so. Far out of the door walks a 7
foot man wide as a house, very large door in.
The house if. He's as big as this large door,
20 size shoes, and he picks up the pie.
It looks like a toy in his hand. Really carrying an axe?
And he smells it. Pretty good.
Pie smell. I Angus, Donald, babe, I'm gonna
eat this pie. And he eats it in one bite.
Stands there still and he says shit.
He falls face forward. Yes.
Oh. Face forward.
Goddamn the worst way he could have felt.
I. Don't know if you know about
cyanide, but I'm going to assume nothing and that's how you faint
on cyanide. So he's Ealing, face down.
Face down, eyeballs pointed down.
The final challenge, All right. Before the town realizes my
little web, and then I pull him towards me.
You are very small. And I'm also fierce and quick.
And you can use it and God. God no.
How do you pray to God? Maybe he'll help us out.
Oh, an option I hadn't considered.
Religion. Yes.
Religion. Religion.
That's the option. Yes.
Peter, do this for us. All right, let's do it.
Pray to your God. OK, what the fuck was that with?
God Be Padre Peter, that's in the sky.
Jesus Christ. Santa Picados set to web.
Roll. Ohh.
Fuck it. Clever.
It's a clever solution. Roll for clever. 3.
Plus, God has. Failed 3.
OK, a voice in your mind says. Sometimes, my child, the best
way to seek help is to help yourself.
To see This is why I made myself God.
OK, so after that failed attempt raised your danger by 1:00,
because I don't know if you heard Angus earlier, but he
announced himself. And he said, I'm going to eat
this pie. And then he fell.
And he's 7 feet tall, so it's a big noise when he falls.
So there's like a news truck are coming that was already there
because of the burning Bush. But they're going to like Cohen
doing some investigating. Clocks ticking.
So we're going to get him, at least.
His face turned the sideways so I can scoop out his eyes like a
piece of watermelon. So how can we get his head to
turn? DM Here, let me just remind you
of the items you've brought with you.
Let's see if anything can help with anything.
We have a melon baller, a razor blade, lighter fluid, and you
don't have a cyanide pill anymore.
Now use that. Any of those items that can move
a body or turn a face, Can you? Do you think you can cut his
head off real quick? Hey there.
You go cut his head off with your little beak.
Grab ahold of his little hair and maybe I'll take the melon
ball from you. We could all we could work
together to try to just force it to.
Rip his head off. Well, if not, rip his head off,
so. You're saying you're saying cut
his head off and then and then push his head over to the side,
Is that what you're saying? Yeah, cuz I think his body is
way too heavy for. He's a giant.
Yeah. So I think we could handle a
head there's, I don't think he has a huge brain in there.
Yeah, likely the peanut rattling around and then OK.
All right, this is what I propose.
I propose that that I. Attach the razor blade to my
wings so like my little vestigial fingers and my in my
wing bones, I got it in there pinched.
And very Freddy Krueger of you, Yes.
Yes this is the Halloween episode you know so I I I have
it in my wing and I I back up before the the the kind of by
where the news truck is and I get get up in the high in the
sky and dive bomb down very quickly go through that front
door. And slice his head right at the
neck and. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, let's do it. When you do that, we just go and
grab his little hairs and tug. Yep, you and me, we're tugging
that man. Everyone roll for fierce.
All right, fierce, and keep in mind your keep in mind your
danger levels. The six. 11. 11 You're the six.
What'd you roll? Home Slice with.
You A1. OK, well are we counting zeros
as zeros or 10s? Tens.
Zeros or 10s, you. Got 10.
I have a 10. Yeah, zero is 10 on A10 sided
die. You heard of 0 before, didn't
you? I did.
Well, it's all good. OK, OK, OK.
We have two huge successes and Fluffy.
That really just kind of sums up the event, didn't it?
So here's what happens. Corvis head.
She gone clean? I don't know.
He had no spine in there. Whatever.
Peter, what are you doing with the head?
You're tugging it. Luckily you get a hold of the
head and you pull as hard as you can and it comes clean off.
You got an 11 fluffy. Raise your danger level by 1:00
because you missed the head and you rang the doorbell again and
when you ring the doorbell the. OK.
The character I definitely planned for the the grandmother
comes back downstairs. And she screams.
Oh my God, I just think his head would have come off.
I just thought he'd be lightly poisoned and have to miss a few
days. Before I can get scrap my feet,
this is not what I thought. At all help.
Help. So good news you have the head.
Bad news. Gotta work fast.
Grandma just called the whole town out again.
Where's the Melon baller? I have it.
We gotta scoop his eyes out. I think I'll scoop his eyes out
and then can you fly us out of here?
Even if it's on top of the chimney?
Let's get out of here. Yeah, so you scoop the eyes out,
fluffy. You suck those up into your big
expandable chin. Mouth.
You're gonna carry the eyes in your mouth.
What's your danger level like an 8 shit dog?
OK, If not, after I scoop them, I put them in a web like a
little purse. Do you want Fluffy to roll at
all? Yes, if my roll doesn't work.
Yeah, all right, you roll. What are you doing?
Carving the eyes out. No, you're he's the getaway.
Car, you're a getaway. You roll for quick.
You roll for fierce. You on standby.
I'm. I'm.
Thinking I pointed out OK, I got 6.
OK77 Not yet. Not yet.
Because you've got two eyeballs. They come clean out.
But now here's the blood the news reporter filmed.
You're doing it bet. And and I'm here live with two
animals who took a man's eyes. And if you look behind me,
you'll see a bunch of angry villages and torches and arrows
shooting at them all. Right.
Well, we can fly away. We absolutely can.
Yeah, I am quick. So you get away.
You fly back to where? The house.
That back to your house? Yeah, we.
Pass all of our spots from before we see the, the, the.
Burning corpses of the of the album we do, you fly past the
jail. I wave by all those good
memories. Good.
Jail. They don't wave back cuz you're
a small spider from far away and they can't see.
You, in the back of the front, ever sees.
Me, I. See we do, Peter.
You're fierce. Yay.
All right, it's a three days journey back to the Witch's
house. OK?
Cuz that's how long it took you to get to Witch's bank.
It is. Day seven it is.
What is the corpse like now? OK, so the corpse is in the
woods. It's gross, but it's not fully
decayed yet. She's kind of making a face.
She's got her fingers all curled up like the like, you know, when
you do it, the fuck you. They're all curled analogies.
They're all curled. Her mouth is open.
There's some other spiders kind of making a house in it, and her
eyes are wide open. She's in full rigor mortis.
It is the evening of night. Seven.
And if you're gonna put those eyes in there, you gotta do it
now. So what's the process?
Remind me, DM. Yes, as you all approach, the
witch's body of memory comes back into all of your minds.
And it's your little witch friend going now.
Once you have the eyeballs, what you're going to want to do is
plop them into my open mouth. Make sure they go write down my
gullet. If I don't eat, if they don't
fall into my digestion before the morning of the 8th day, I'm
dead forever. Everyone got that?
Thank you. There are refreshments in the
break room. OK, so pastries we've ever had.
In that break room. All right, so we got eyeballs
and webs, We got you guys and everyone's assorted danger
levels. Okay.
So I suggest maybe we take the eyeballs out of the webs.
They're kind of maybe more slimy, right?
And then we just gotta stuff those little things down, right?
What can we use to maybe push them down her throat?
Sticks, maybe. Sticks from twigs, maybe?
What about your little beak? You're really good at pressing
stuff. In OK, I can do that.
Now, I don't want to alarm any of you.
Oh, they followed us. This is a good strategy, and I
know you feel safe right now, but um, it's an angry mop
behind. They.
Followed you remember you were filmed and they're and they're
approaching quickly. Can't do this fast.
So this is your one and only shot to get the eyeballs.
Into the witch. OK, all right, now who is doing
it? Well, so you put them in there
and then I'll poke him through with my beak.
All right, who do we trust to plop the eyeballs in?
I'm gonna go Peter on that one. All right, I'll try and do it.
What's your danger at this stage?
My danger is at 5. 50 have a backup plan.
This is it. If you don't do it here, the mob
will catch up. Alright guys, it's been fun.
Can I can I burn our door down to build a barricade to slow
them down for one turn? Yeah, alright, cool.
Yeah, I'm just gonna slow them down.
We'll start with that. I got a 10.
Oh shit. OK, so doors on fire.
That's the way I like it anyway. So the door has been burned
down. So we got two tries.
Yeah, the the door was blown off its hinges earlier.
It's blocking you, I guess it worked.
So that's all I gotta go with. All right, try 1.
So yeah, one try. First one.
I got a one. OK, so razor danger level.
And because it is a dangerous thing you're doing, even though
it's your first try, here's what you notice.
The fire goes out immediately because it started to rain.
Dang it. Dang it guys.
Last chance. We've got less danger.
Not me. I think I do.
OK, well, you can plop the eyes. And if you want to try.
Try it I've. Got modifier here, whatever one
you want to use, alright. Clever.
Sly. I'm do clever.
OK. Guys.
Ready. Drum roll please.
All the marbles. Yay, I did it.
You got 10 at? 10 That's OK.
So I'm gonna go full. This goes.
You needed A10. Oh really?
Look at that. Look at that.
So eyeballs are in the mouth. All right, So describe for me
plopping the eyeballs and. It is gross.
Right. Yeah, I mean, our witch, we
loved her so much, but she didn't have the high best
hygiene when she was alive, let alone when she's been dead for a
week. So very gross in there.
Lots of worms, Lots of slime, Lots of blood.
Dry blood. Anyway, I get it in there.
My but my beak is made for this. I am.
I like to eat, carry on. So I'm used to getting to that.
So it's fine, but it's still gross.
And I get them down there, they they they they like marbles down
a chute. They go right down into our
bullet and I pull back my head. Amazing.
There's no bell tower, but you hear a bell.
The clock strikes midnight. The witch springs back to life
and just. That bitch is back.
What the fuck you got over? There, in the distance, it's an
angry mob. So she's gonna turn around and
snap her fingers and turn them all into woodland creatures.
Yay. Oh, Joy, not only did you bring
little old me back to life, you've given me an army of
familiars. Now I can finally take revenge
on Witch's Bane. That's all of Witch's Bane,
Practically. You serious?
Yeah. Like, that's like the whole
angry mob from the city. Like.
All of them. Like a suburb of the east.
No that. No, we can we can still go kill
their mayor. Yeah.
I'm down for more murder. My friends, I'm glad you're
alive. I'm glad to be alive.
I'm glad you're all OK. I thought it was a really big
thing I told you all to do all those years ago and you
remembered. I love you all.
Grow pack 'cause you successfully undead at the
witch. We did it.
We did. Yay.
Congratulations to all of you. Did you have fun?
We're all fierce. So much fun.
I'm gonna go crawl back in her little Black Hat.
Where I belong, where people thought I was a brooch.
Your. Little head popping out your 12
eyes. Where are you going?
Fluffy. I need a.
Fucking nap. I.
Have had a very rough week. The worst of your life, you
could say. I don't think it could get much
worse than this. The rest of it just like smooth
sailing. And.
Corvis and I flap off to a nearby tree to build a nest like
and live outside of the house for once and grow a little bit.
Character growth. Look at that.
Corvis's arc complete. Thank you all so much for
playing The Witch is Dead. This has been Fantasy First
Friday. You're all amazing.