Listen, I've been holding on to this for a while, and
unfortunately, we're back in a space that I didn't really want
to come back to. I didn't.
I didn't want to come back to this place where I'm calling out
my dear friend Juniper. Oh boy.
The fucking call out. What did I fucking do now?
Oh, oh, you know what you did, you've just forgotten what you
did 'cause I haven't brought it up in a while, 'cause we haven't
recorded and I haven't been able to make an official call out
post. Trying to think what I did.
So. I mean, I can think of
something. So, Juniper, I can.
Oh, I can think of a lot of things.
That's the, that's The thing is there's so many things that it
could. Be well, Juniper, to explain a
little bit to the audience. Juniper has just gotten out of
a, would you say contentious roommate situation.
Sure. Yeah, I think that's a way of
putting it. So Juniper's just gotten out of
a contentious roommate situation and as part of that needed to
get rid of ATV that that they bought with their their roommate
and then could not split equitably.
So my husband and I purchased this very nice TV from Juniper.
Barely used, barely used, perfect size.
I guess I don't know. My husband had a lot of very
specific. Specifications and I would like
to say that this TV met every single one of his
specifications. It did.
But you didn't tell us. Maybe you didn't know, but you
did give us a cursed TV. Yeah, the TV has a fucking curse
on it. Yeah, it was cursed by a wizard.
Go on. Because every time I turn this
goddamn TV on, it plays Baywatch.
What? Every I told you it was cursed
by a wizard. Fucking time I turn this TV on.
It's Baywatch. Listen.
Do that for you. No.
So Jennifer sold me a fucking cursed TV.
We paid them $100 for it. Listen, I was given a set of
questions, stipulations, and information that they wanted to
know not on the list. They did not ask if it had been
cursed by a wizard, so I did not.
Disclose, I thought, I thought. That was you guys.
I thought that was the thing that friends just disclosed to
each other when they're buying appliances.
I mean in my defense, I actually didn't realize until it was sold
to Cat I assume. I can only assume that it was
cursed in transit because when I had the television it was not
doing that, although it was always hooked up to my PS4 so it
never had a chance to pull from any other.
Location mines hooked up to a PS4, PS 5A, switch, a
Chromecast. And I just don't understand.
And every time I hit the power button, it's fucking Baywatch.
I'm confused because I'm like why are you making this a
problem like that? You you got free Baywatch?
I mean, there we go. That's a good spin.
Maybe it wasn't a curse. Maybe it was a wizard's
blessing. Spin this.
Only one time has it not played Baywatch, and that time it
played some weird show called Heartland in which the, you
know, 32nd snippet I saw before I was able to change it to
something else. The worst acting in my life that
I've ever seen. Two daughters were like, dad,
don't worry, we'll find a way not to sell the ranch.
And the dad went, oh, you girls are my heart.
And then it's cut to a thing that said Heartland.
You've been given a gift like I don't understand what the like.
I'm not seeing an issue. On what does it play on?
There are 17 seasons of Heartland.
I've only seen the 132nd snippet because every other time it's
been Baywatch. What the fuck?
I've never heard of this show before.
What does? It play.
I'm trying to figure out what it plays on because I'm like.
Original Baywatch with David Hasselhoff, right?
I don't know, it's a lot of Baywatch because every time I
turn it on, it's a different part of Baywatch.
I'm trying to think of it. Did they reboot Baywatch?
I feel like they did. They've got it.
They have like I would. Give me a movie, yeah.
Kat is the TV that I gave you a Samsung?
Yeah, there's like AD and D episode of Baywatch Nights and
it's fucking insane. OK wait, so Samsung TV Plus is a
free service that comes with Samsung TV's and includes
thousands of Live Channels apparently.
And Heartland is on channel 1058 on Samsung TV Plus.
Well. You're welcome.
So you're fucking welcome, Kat. I've never willingly engaged
with Samsung TV Plus. I want to just turn it on and it
turns on to my Chromecast because my Chromecast is a Gen.
one Chromecast and it doesn't have any ads on it.
Have you tried watching Just watching the Bay Watch?
Have you tried just? Watching it, have you tried just
sitting down and having I think? That I think that if I did that,
I would be sucked into the TV and into the Baywatch, and then
you guys wouldn't have Adm. You'd just have me on a beach
running in slow motion with a surfboard.
I mean, so then you take trade off.
There are worse places to be than the.
Beach, I have to say, like thank you, I.
Don't know. A lot of people die in Baywatch.
I mean, that's kind of. Like the way they're watching
the Bay. Yeah, yeah, you think about it
like you'd think with all the watching.
I mean, I've seen a lot of people dragged from the ocean.
Riptides are real, actually. That's true.
That's very. Yeah, well, I, I thought they
were fake. No, but I mean I.
Riptides are not real. Hey, hey, they're fucking real.
Only heavens in Baywatch they're real.
I looked at a science book. I've been to the ocean slash
Bay. I married a shark on the beach.
There were riptides. I don't want to hear about that.
So Speaking of Baywatch, let's watch some DND.
That's how it's done. On this audio only media.
We will watch one another play DND.
Yeah, every day. Hello, my name is Kat and I am
your lifeguard. Hello, my name is Noel and I'm
David Hasselhoff. I play Fran nice and I run on
the beach in slow motion as Fran.
OK, and she's a Nazi wizard slash rogue.
A wizard, you say? A wogue.
Hi I'm Jennifer.
I am currently stuck inside of a riptide.
Right now I I'm being pulled under and I don't know how to
escape from a riptide. So I'm not swimming to the left
or the right. I'm fighting the riptide and
trying to swim back to shore, which is what you should
shouldn't do. And I would know and I would.
I'm saving lives and I would know that.
Actually, Jennifer, I'm a lifeguard and I think you're
doing exactly the right thing. Thank you, Kat.
I'm deeply confused about what information I meant to glean
about. If you're in a riptide, you
swim. Against the current towards the
shore. Against the current towards the
shore? Don't.
Actually, no. Don't do that in a riptide swim.
You've had a mental. Break.
You swim. You swim along the shoreline to
get out of the riptide. That's the real truth of it.
Parallel to the shoreline. Yeah, parallel to the shoreline.
But then I'm not going towards the shoreline.
Yeah, because you're in the riptide you can't swim against.
How do I get? Out of the rim, you have to swim
parallel so that you're out of the vortex until you get out of
until you get out of the riptide, and then once you're
not being dragged out to sea. Hold on, I'm going to abandon my
joke for just a second to draw a diagram.
Now, now this is real. Now we have to say it.
Arrows life I get. It I just.
No, because you're. Pissing me.
Off. This is like, this is where the
riptide is, so you swim out of it until you're out of the
riptide here and then you can swim back to.
Shore and People think that riptides are only in the ocean,
but that's not true riptides actually also occur on the Great
Lakes, so if your. Tides also occur on land.
And on land. I thought.
They and also there's a very rare but well documented
phenomenon of riptides occurring in the air and dragging
airplanes out into the stratosphere that's.
Pretty cool. There's also a fire riptide and.
Yeah, there is a fire riptide. Yeah, the Avatar.
Mentioned the Earth riptide. You mentioned the Earth
riptides. Is that different?
Different from the land rift tide.
And they say one day, one day. Someone land happens in the air.
Someone will rise up and master all four of the RIP tides.
Well, I'm glad. That I think Juniper's got a lot
to learn before they're ready to save anyone.
Maybe. So.
Erin, have you? Introduced yourself.
No, I, I, I was really genuinely, just earnestly trying
to learn about RIP tides and now?
And now you know everything you need to know I.
Need to know and I'm never going to die in a RIP tide.
This has been a really. Fun.
Good thing RIP tides don't exist conversation.
Yeah, it's a good thing. Riptide stoning.
Yeah, thank God. Oh, you guys, I just got.
So scared. What if riptides were real?
No, no, no, don't. They don't.
They know they're not real. They were made-up by Mike and
Brian, the creators of Avatar. Yeah, it's fake.
Avatar the last Riptide. OK, well, now that that's
settled, I'm Errol and I play Slake and I know everything I
need to about surviving on this earth.
Oh. Wow.
You just needed to learn about Riptide You.
Haven't gone above and beyond. I literally I can tick that off
and close the ball you. Did not understand the
assignment, so you did every assignment.
Yeah, and it all worked out. Oh, well.
OK, So last time you defeated Tarva.
He's no more.
You killed him Dead. He's dead.
The dwarves have celebrated, the armies are defeated, and your
army is victorious, and you guys went off to get some fucking
much needed rest. After all of that, as you were
kind of all getting prepared to rest, Fran decided now might be
a good time to check in with Kai.
And you know, some things happened.
And was I wrong? You would sit there and tell me
that I was wrong. I'm.
Not going to say you were not saying I'm not saying anyone was
right or wrong. I'm just saying some things
happened. Fran maybe left some pages that
had turned into portals all over her floor.
And then when there was a cry of distress, Corbin came running in
and Corbin failed his dexterity check.
As it's like. As did Fran.
And then? As.
Did Mary? Yeah, yeah, let's see.
So, so Corbin ran in, failed his Dexterity checks.
Slake ran in, failed their Dexterity check.
Fran also failed their Dexterity check.
Mary came in and was like, well, I guess we're going in after
them. You all just said let's throw a
wrench of failure into cats. Carefully laid plans and.
We chose to do it. We wanted to do.
It I know you did. You chose to fail.
I know. I know you.
Lied about my dice roll. I really got an AT20.
I also got an AT20. I mean all the three.
Got that? I've actually.
Only been rolling Nat 20s this entire campaign and it's all
I've been a big bit that I've been doing.
I know, I know, I know, I know and I understand that you guys
chose to do this to me and that's OK.
I still love you all. Anyway, Kai was there and all of
Fran's machinations were revealed and then Fran shot Kai
and now you're fighting her so. That's what that's what
happened. They all yelled at each other.
That's what you missed on Glee. Yeah, that's what you missed on
Glee. Now roll initiative.
Oh boy, Jesus Karoy stuff, we're never.
Going to make it to regionals at this rate.
OK. Oh my God, that's 12.
I got a non natural. 20, I got a six, OK.
All right. Are we all focused?
Are we all ready to kill God again?
I'm ready. I'm ready.
Not focused. I'm not ready, but I'm.
I'm not in the right headspace, but I'll try.
Yeah. So the order of initiative is
Kai, Fran, Corbin, Mary, and then Slake.
First up is going to be Kai and she is going to use her multi
attack. She is going to charge first for
the one who is not an S and she's going to charge at you
slake all right, and she is going to use her multi attack.
She will attack twice with her talons and once with her
antlers. Okay, first one is a 12 that
will not hit. The second one is a gentleman's
20 and a gentleman's 29. Yep, both of those.
What does that mean? It's like a dirty 20, but it's a
gentleman's 20 and then also a gentleman's 29 which is a 19 +
10, so that is going to be a 16 on the first attack.
Damage. Yeah, 16 damage and then another
16 damage on the second attack. All right, good to know.
Yep, that hurts. So yeah, she just like hits you
hard with one talent paw and then she just Rams you with the
crown of antlers that is fused to the monstrous head of her
godly form. And now it is still Kai's turn
because she gets a layer action. Damn it.
How did you get? Fucking layers dude.
Yeah, you guys are in her layer. These layers.
She is going to use her layer action of summon beasts and she
is going to summon. That didn't go great for me.
She's going to summon 1 wolf. She rolled bad.
That's OK All right, so that wolf is going to go on the layer
action turn. The wolf is going to charge at
you, Corbin, and then it is going to attack you with its
bite, and that is a 21 to hit. My armor class is 65, so yeah,
that's nice. And that's going to be 7 damage,
OK. As it attacks you with its bite.
As a black wolf surges out of the shining waters of the void
and attacks you. Corbin.
Meanwhile, Fran, you didn't get a rest so.
I am like at like half my hit points.
I have only like little baby spells left.
Yeah, and I think Kai sees that. You can see some sort of
recognition in her monster's viciage that you are not at,
you're not at full power, and she needs you at full power to
kill her. You feel the lapping of the
river of stars at your ankles, and it gently rises and falls
over you, and you gain the effect of a short rest.
Oh, OK, damn. All right, so that means I get
some spell slots back and then I can use what hit dice to get
back. I think that gets me back up to
full health, but I don't. I have enough spell slots.
I guess I'll just make a do. So I'm going to cast Freezing
Sphere at Kai, and Kai is like in full monster mode.
Yeah, OK. And she's the only fighter on
the board. Except for the wolf.
OK, she's summoned a wolf. Yeah, there's also A1 Wolf.
She didn't roll well on the. Summon Wolf.
Got it. OK, this is an AOE spell so I
can get them both. OK, And I'm going to obviously
aim it so that I'm not attacking my allies.
You say obviously. Of course I will be aiming it
away from my allies. Interesting stuff, such as they
are. Fran feels like this kind of
wave of slimy healing roll over her, and she gulfs and squares
her shoulders and then she like, winds up like she's a pitcher,
like a baseball pitcher with her little leg up and everything.
And then she hurls an ice ball that grows and grows and grows
and then explodes when it gets between Kai and her.
Wolf. OK, they are going to have to
do. Is it a deck save, con save?
Con save? OK, OK, the wolf crit failed.
Nice, doesn't matter, but yes, failed.
Yep, Yep. And Kai got a 15.
All right, so then they both failed.
All right, so they're going to take, they're each going to take
10D6. OK, you killed the wolf.
For sure. It has 11 hit points, so no.
Damn. Not.
Statistically, you kill the wolf.
Statistically, it has to happen. All right.
So that is 42 cold damage. All right, the wolf explodes
into stars and melts back into the void.
Nice. And then there's no like liquid
around here, is there? Like what we're standing on
doesn't count? It's not real liquid, No, no,
not for the purposes of of. So it would freeze, but it's not
going to. No, yeah, nothing here has
temperature. All right, well, there we go.
OK, that's Fran Corbin. You are up.
You were fighting a wolf. You're no longer fighting a wolf
because the wolf exploded. And where's Kai in relation to
me? Kai is within 30 feet of you.
OK, I am going to cast Sunbeam. OK.
On Kai, I'm going to aim for her little face.
Are you, are you going to aim for her face?
Her face that she's using to bite Slake.
Well. Head butt yeah it's the AOE is
it's a 60 foot long line but it's only 5 feet wide so I can
easily not take slake with it. You can just kind of yeah, go
over to the side. So I'm.
Going to move a little bit to the side so that Slake is not in
the path of the sunbeam and I hold my little hand out and like
an inverse of Morocco's hole I cast, I cast sunbeam and
brilliant white sunlight shoots out of my hand and Pierce's high
in her little face and she has to make a constitution saving 3.
That is a. 13 That's a failure. OK, so she is going to take 6D8
radiant damage and she is blinded until her next turn.
OK. Let me get the Damo up.
So that's 21 radiant damage and then she's blinded till her next
turn. Okie Dokie and now it is Mary's
turn. I think Mary is going to summon
a spiritual weapon and she is going to summon it and a glowing
golden axe appears next to Kai and it is going to make a she is
going to deal 12 damage to it. Not that much, but a spiritual
weapons always a handy thing to have.
OK, and now it's like it is your turn.
She is right up on you. Yes.
She is head butting you with her antlers.
She's hitting you with her big claws.
Yes, as I'm fending off Kai I want to attack her with my picks
and I shout. Why do you even care if we kill
the forces? You're going to be dead anyway.
Hi, Pants and her eyes lull in her enormous head and her voice
emanates from deep within the monstrous body.
Need you more, Need you more motivation and fine.
And she rolls her head, and as she does, the stars beside her
buckle and burst, and Phelan emerges from the river, gasping,
looking pained with a gaping wound.
In the place where you stabbed him, Fran.
Kai turns her head down to look at him.
If you wish to keep him alive, then you must reach the Green
Mountain where the forces reside.
He is weak from stitching himself back together, so I know
not how long he will last. You better hurry and get through
me first. And then he sinks once more into
the river. He reaches out towards you,
Fran, and you can see him gasping, trying to speak, and
then he is swallowed by the starry current.
Fran's mouth like drops open and she glances over it, Slake and
Corbin to gauge their reaction. Slake looks confused and angry
and says once we take you out, what's to stop us from taking
him back? I think she snaps her jaws at
you that once you are there, events will unfold in a way that
you cannot stop. Corbin just looks unimpressed
and he says I'm tired of listening to your bullshit, Kai.
I have no reason to believe anything that you say, and I
don't believe anything that you say.
Yeah, I have to say that's cryptic nonsense.
Then cryptic nonsense it be. Now fight me.
Fran's eyes, like, absolutely fill with tears and a few spill
out, and she looks even more determined than before.
OK, it's like make an attack. All right, here we go.
I'm just gonna go ahead and attack with the old pics 23.
Yeah, it hits. Oh shit, that's an AT20.
Hell yeah, yeah. And that last one is going to be
19. OK, it was all hit.
Oh yeah? OK, fuck.
Let's roll some damage. OK, so that's 36 total damage.
Okey dokey. Ouch.
And as I strike at Kai, I say let him go.
And Kai responds by using Mark of Sacrifice.
The fuck? The river surges under Kai's
feet and rolls towards all of you.
Everyone, please make a Dexterity saving throw.
No. Let's see.
I don't want to be marked. For sacrifice?
That doesn't sound good. So I'm sure I'll be fine with
A10. OK, A10.
Yeah, Yeah. Hold on.
Wait. That's fine.
And I'm sure I'll be better than fine with a 40.
Yeah, that'll also be fine. I got.
I did really bad. I got a 16.
Fuck you. Yeah, Corbin, that's not great.
You die. I die.
Yeah, you and Mary Corbin are unaffected.
Meanwhile, Fran and Slake. Are.
Healed. You are marked fuck.
A tracery of white stars appears on your skin and you are marked
for sacrifice. Attempts to heal a marked
creature instead will heal Kai. You have disadvantage on death
saving throws and all attack rolls made against you are made
with advantage. HA.
Bullshit. Is there a way to?
Effect lasts for one minute or until the creature is targeted
by a remove cursed spell or similar magic.
I don't like it. All right, she is now going to
use her multi attack again on Slake and now she has advantage
against you and she is going to use her talons and her bite this
time. I think she hits you on all of
them even without advantage. That's a 22A24 and A23.
Yes. OK.
And are any of these melee
attacks? They are all melee attacks, yes.
OK, so I am going to try to lessen some of the damage by
using the Perry maneuver, so let me see what I can do.
OK. OK, so I'm able to reduce the
damage by 10. Awesome, I haven't even rolled
damage yet, but good to know I will reduce it by 10 when that
comes around. However, I also need you to make
it to a saving a strength saving throw please.
I like it. You almost said death.
So you're like just getting moved a lot.
Watch it. Watch it, son.
Just. Can't cut the bullshit.
Yeah, Strength 7 through. OK.
So that's gonna.
Be. 11. OK 11 no that does not do it.
You are not prone as she swipes you and pushes you down and now
you are going to take 44 damage. And now it's time for a later
action. Kai is going to use the river's
current and she is going to look to you.
Corbin. Corbin, please make a
Constitution saving throw. I did so good.
Oh, good job. How could you do?
I got 12. 12 That's not enough. But I did so good.
Yeah, I know, but you didn't do good enough.
But I did so good. You did good for me.
All right, So Corbin. The river of stars underneath
you surges around your feet and pulls you along.
You are fighting hard to resist the force of the river, but it
is like you are suddenly standing knee deep in a rushing
current. Corbin, your speed is halved.
You cannot use reactions or bonus actions until the end of
your next turn. OK.
So we're doing good. Yep.
We're doing really awesome I've. Got 35 hit points, it's great.
And you can't be healed. Yeah, bitch.
All right, Fran. OK.
You got him into this. You got us all into this.
I don't, I don't wish to be included in that narrative.
Interesting. I just feel like I'm just
feeling really adapt. Fran tries to wipe her tears and
sniffs really deeply. And then she does like a really
intricate Naruto hand gesture and some of the stars that she's
marked with start to float up off of her skin and into a crown
around her head as she casts crown of stars.
And then as a bonus action, she's going to hurl one of them
at Kai. OK, hey, and that's gonna be 21.
That'll hit. Hey, that does 35 damage 'cause
I wrote two twelves. Oh shit, hell yeah.
Basically Crown of Stars means I have 7 little star like motes
that are floating around my head, while now I have 6 'cause
I just threw 1 and I can as a bonus action on each turn I can
throw one at Kai. Very nice, very good.
I should have targeted you for no bonus action.
And then Fran hides. I don't think there's anywhere,
there is nowhere for you to hide.
You cannot hide. Don't I?
I have. Like you said it with more
confidence. I let you get away with this way
more than I should. Hide Hide behind Slake.
There is nowhere to hide. On the ground.
Get under slake. Burrows underneath.
You cannot. You cannot do that without
provoking. I mean, if you I want to try,
you'll provoke an attack about. Between like literally.
Fine, fine. Well, I want to hide, and I look
around and I dart my little eyes and there's nowhere to go and
there's nowhere to hide and there's nowhere to run.
Nope, it's just you and your choices here now, Fran.
But I do take several steps backwards.
I would say like perhaps 30 feet of steps backwards. 30 feet.
Interesting. Very interesting.
Hello sweet listeners, it's me, it's Kat, your DM Sorry if it's
a bit echo in here, I didn't want to put a blanket over
myself to record the smid roll. And my office is 20,000 leagues
below the sea, so there's a bit of an echo in my beautiful sea
cave. I'm surrounded by coral and
mermaids and the wreck of a submersible.
It's a great time and it's a little echoey in here, so I hope
that's OK. So First things first, I would
like to address some comments that we've received through our
Tumblr. We are legend Larkpod on Tumblr
if you want to give us a follow there if you also love being on
the best social media website from 2014.
Anyway, we've received some comments on our Tumblr, some
asks that I would like to address.
And I want you to know that I'm not sorry.
I am not sorry at all for making you feel feelings.
That was my intention and I'm doing my job and I I'm not
sorry. So all of you who are asking me
to apologize for making you feel feelings in the last few
episodes, I will not apologize. I will never apologize and
buckle up. So with that out of the way, I
want to big a give shout out to our Patreons.
They are truly some of the best people in the world and you can
join their ranks by going to patreon.com/legendlark.
There you will find all sorts of goodies.
We do a monthly live stream. If you subscribe at the live
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At our lowest tier, some of the really funny stuff gets left on
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Please save your money if you cannot afford it, but leave us a
review instead. Leave us a review on Spotify, on
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littering Flyers or maybe a plane.
Planes are better for throwing Flyers out, but if you want to
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to use in order to leave us a review.
We would appreciate that too. So this is a bit of a short mid
roll this time. We we don't really have many
action items on the agenda. So I guess with that, it's just
going to have to be a message to Chantel.
The code word is Yakomachako,
the sleeper agent, and who knows what the sleeper agent is up to
these days. Who knows why we started doing
this bit in the 1st place? I genuinely don't remember but
they are active Go. Now it is Corbin's turn.
You are in difficult terrain right now, so your movement
speed is halved. No Bony actions.
No Bony actions and no reactions.
And no reactions. Reactions probably won't be a
big thing, but you can't use any bonus.
Actions. OK, I'm just going to cast
Sunbeam again because it's still active so I don't have to use a
small slot so. Does she need to make a she?
Needs to make a constitution saving through OK.
That is. 14 That doesn't do it. Actually, it does, because she's
going to use her legendary resistance.
Bitch. She is not just just going to
succeed on that saving thrill. OK, well, she still takes half
damage. OK, She's not blind though.
No, a shame. Oh my God.
Shame. 15. OK, all right, now it is Mary's
turn, and Mary has but one move that she can truly make here,
and it is to remove a beautiful curse.
Mary's going to run into her mother's teeth to touch flake
tag. Your curse is removed.
Thank you, Mary. Mary puts her hands on your
shoulders to like try and help you up.
When Mary does that, I say you should get back.
And Mary stares up into the jaws of Kai and shakes her head, And
we'll see if she regrets that in a little bit.
It is time for Mary's spiritual weapon to make a spiritual
attack at her actual mother. Oh shit, that is 19 to hit.
Fuck yeah. So that is going to be a cool 12
damage. All right, Flake, you are.
Well, you're down. Boy am I.
You are prone in front of Kai's jaws.
Yes, but Mary took that curse off me, Yes.
You can be healed. Getting up, is that just like
your movement? Yeah, that's going to be all
your movement. OK, that's fine.
I wasn't going to go anywhere. First thing I'd like to do is I
can use a bonus action and use my second wind which allows me
to regain hit points equal to 1D10 plus my fighter level.
Beautiful. You need those.
I sure do. That's going to be 16 hit
points. That brings it up to 51, which
is still, you know, it's better than it was.
And then, yeah, I'm just going to try to keep fighting Kai
back. So I roll out from under her and
I strike at her again with the picks.
OK. So that's 19.
OK, that hits. Oh, that's way over 20.
Oh, OK, that's also way over 20. OK, beautiful.
You hit all three times. OK.
So that is 10, 10, OK. Jesus.
And 9:00, so that's 29 total. OK, your picks ripped through
her black feathers and flesh, coating you in a black icore as
her hot blood sprays across your face.
And now it is Kai's turn again, and I think she is going to look
past you now, Slake. Actually, no, I think she's
still going to keep attacking you.
So she's going to attack you again.
Talons, and we'll say talons and antlers this time.
So that is going to be a 22A gentleman's 20 and an 18 to hit.
Two of those will hit. Two of those will hit.
OK, we'll say it's both of her talent attacks hit.
So that is going to be 36 damage.
Except Papa, just as you are. I mean, you are feeling bad now,
Slakey. She has really been tearing into
you. You are bleeding, you are
bruised, you are broken. And just as her jaws lunge at
you to enclose you once again and RIP you apart, something
throws itself in front of you, holding back.
Her attacks shape from the blackness of the void.
It is strange, long limbed and pale Gray.
When it looks back at you, its face is blank, a mere suggestion
of eyes, nose, a mouth. Yet you can tell you know it
smiles at you. It tackles Kai and throws her
back. Errol, can you please just make
me a straight up and down D20 fortune roll?
OK, nothing to add to that I assume?
Nope. Oh, that's really too bad.
God damn it. The creature takes the attack
and is thrown back. It clutches at the edges of the
void where the blackness fades away and struggles back up onto
its hands and knees, and then collapses back down and slowly
begins to sink into the river. And then you can tell, just for
a moment, you see him. Just a flicker of a face that
you've known before. He speaks, and you recognize the
voice even as it slides and shifts.
You can do this, Jon Bo says. You can do this.
And then he is gone. Shit yes, Jon Bo has shielded
you from that attack and you do not take any damage slake as Jon
Bo is thrown back into the void by Kai's mighty claws.
Shit. And now it is her turn to make a
layer action. She is going to use her layer
action to cast Force Cage. Fran, please roll a Charisma
save for me. I'm good looking enough I can
escape the force cage. Yep, you've.
Got this. You've got it.
Fran has really high charisma, as we all know.
As we all know. Is well known, but I don't think
that passes. Hold on 'cause I think I have 0
charisma -1 and that is accurate.
I got a 17. Not quite enough and.
Was slightly too ugly. He has to go to jail You.
Are unable to get yourself out of this force cage, so let's
see. You are trapped inside a prison
of stars that spring up around you in a cube, and it creates a
solid barrier that prevents any matter from passing through it
and blocks any spells cast into or out of the area.
So I'm just like locked in here. I can't be damaged, but I also
can't do a damage. Yeah, you can't do anything.
Yep. Bitch.
I know, it's almost like I'm doing these things to make you
guys mad. Whatever, I'm going to go
insane. Yeah.
Fran immediately starts pacing around like a wild eyed, like an
animal. I mean that's honestly that is
not. It's like unfair reaction to
being caged. She's like, she's like banging
on it just in case. She's like casting tantrips to
see and she's like. Fuck, fuck.
All right, Fran, you are up even though you are trapped.
I don't know if there's anything you want to try and do.
Do I have the journal? No, it's in pages in the world
that is fuck and you are in the world that is not.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. I think what Fran is going to
do, she's going to just go for a crazy gambit and she is going to
sit down in the middle of the forest cage and make eye contact
with Kai and she's going to cast the laid blast fireball in her
own lap. Wait, wait.
What? What does she fucking do?
So she summons a fireball and she waits and she looks like hi,
like bitch, are you going to let me die?
And she is just like the whites of her eyes are showing and
she's like shaking from head to toe, like hot rageful tears are
just like pouring down her face. Okay, Corbin sees this
happening. Can he see the fireball?
Yeah, it's just like you're looking through like a veil of
stars that are surrounding Fran, okay?
And Fran screams out. Let me out or I'm dead anyway.
Corbin sees this at the quarter of his eye, and then he turns
and he screeches Fred, what the fuck are you doing?
And then he runs and starts trying to throw himself at the
shield. OK, it does nothing.
Yeah, it does. You throw yourself ineffectually
at this shield. The shield does not flex or give
in any way. Fran kind of like her eyes
flutter through her tears and she looks at you, but then she
just looks back at Kai. And Slake is still engaged with
Pie, but shouts out what's happening.
OK, Corbin, you're up. What are you gonna do?
Oh, you know what? I actually OK, this will be
fitting. This will be fitting.
There isn't an option for this, but I'm gonna use the giant
eagle as an option. But I'm gonna summon giant
crows, OK? And I am gonna summon, I
believe, four of them. All right, so you've summoned up
four. Crows. 4 crows.
All right, Corbin, tell me what your crows do.
Tell me what that crow do. I actually genuinely think I
want my crows to, well, how amorphous is Kai is there?
She is quite. Can she be gripped?
Yes, she can be gripped. She can be gripped.
I mean, Slake has been tearing away at her, so she's got a
physical. Form OK so I want them to grip
her, all four of them and attempt to lift.
Oh my God. I'm just going to say we are
going to have them make 4 strength checks.
We'll say if all four of them get over a 13 Jesus they will
lift her. Otherwise they'll just do
damage. I don't know what we will
accomplish, but lift. I don't either.
Well, we're going to. So, well, well, if they can lift
her, she'll be hear me out. If they can lift her, she'll be
they can drop her. Yeah, and she'll be lift.
Sure. Oh my God, pray for my ass.
So 9. Plus 3 is 12.
No, that was. That was with the.
Plus three. Well, you that wasn't we could
just stop. No, no, I want to know.
I want to. Know because we have to, we have
to know about their damage. That's a thirteens are going to
do damage. So one of them at least, that's
a 20 and that's a 14. So 3 out of the four.
Three out of the four. OK, I will.
I will say she is going to have disadvantage on her next attack
role. Hell.
She is not lifted, but she is being pulled in many directions.
And of those lifts? Strained.
One was over 18. That doesn't matter.
But can we roll for damage for that one?
Yeah, OK. OK, Judy 6.
Slashing damage. Slashing damage. 9 slashing
damage. OK.
And she's uncomfortable. So Speaking of attack rolls,
it's not actually her term. It's Mary's turn now.
She is going to cure your wounds, Slake, and she is going
to do it at 4th level. OK, so she is going to heal you
for 31 points of healing. So Mary lays her glowing golden
hands upon you, Slake, and your flesh knits back together, and
you feel so much better, so much less close to the brink of
death. Thanks, Mary.
Do you think there's anything you'll be able to do about Fran?
Mary looks back and she does not indicate one way or another to
you. She just places a hand on your
shoulder and sort of gently pushes you sort of towards Kai.
I have to say, you know, focus on what's in front of you.
OK, getting ready to attack, but I do want to shout at Fran.
I don't know what you're doing over there, but stop.
Oh, mate, Mary makes an attack with her spiritual weapon.
Oh, that is a natural one. Nevermind.
Damn, Mary. All right, the all of the
pulling and pushing from the giant crows has knocked her
spiritual up and out of position and it it makes a blind swing
and a miss. All right, let's roll some
attack first one that's going to be 17 that.
Does not hit. Next is way over 20.
OK, that hits. And then the next is a 19.
That will also hit. All right.
OK. So that's 31 damage total.
OK. And can I tell like how Kai is
doing or anything? She is not looking good, but she
is still hanging on. You can see black Icord dripping
from between her teeth, which gleam whitely against the inky
blackness of her form. And now it is Kai's turn.
First, I'm gonna roll to recharge her ultimate attack.
Oh, it does work. OK, so she has recharged her
Mark of Sacrifice. And everybody, please make a
Dexterity saving throw. Not me.
No, you too. I'm immune.
I Oh, you cast it on me. Yeah.
Also. You still have the mark of.
Also, it's still on me. Fuck.
I got a 19. OK, let's see.
Dexterity saving, right? Yep.
OK, better this time. So that's also 19.
OK, Mary saves as well so none of you are affected by the mark
and now she is going to multi attack and I think she is going
to go after Mary this time. She's going to head butt Mary
with her antlers and that is going to be a oh, then that will
hit. Mary is hit hard with the
antlers and she takes 16 damage from that.
And then I think Kai's then going to use her two claw
attacks on you slake, and oh shit, did not do great.
First one's a 19 that will hit. Second one is a 12 and it will
not hit. So that is going to be 18
damaged. All right, OK.
And then Kai turns her rolling gaze to you, Fran, and lets out
a pain roar. In that roar, you hear both
terror and sadness and something otherworldly, a voice that is
not Kai's but speaks through her.
And she is going to use her layer action to summon beasts.
She's going to summon more beasts.
And when she does that, my force cage goes.
Away and when she does that, your force cage disappears.
As she turns her focus through it seems a great force of will.
She turns her focus to the giant crows on her back.
She is also going to now she is going to summon also crows.
So Kai summons 5 crows and they are going to go after your
crows. Corbin crow fight, crow fight
crow fight. All right, 'cause you have four
of them, right? Yes, 4.
Two of them are going after crow, one that that is only an 8
to hit and A7 to hit. Nope, they do not hit OK on crow
#2 Jesus, there's only a six. Nope.
Next one is A8. Nope.
Come on, next ones A6. Nope.
My God. Tables have finally turned.
And I have one more and I'm going to roll with a different
dice. OK, there we go.
That is a 17. Yeah, that hits.
OK, it's going to do 4 damage to tour.
Which crow is it doing this damage to?
Crow #4. OK.
That is the layer action and now Fran, you are free of the force
cage. All right, as it disappears,
Fran stands up, and as she does, the fireball disappears.
It was an illusion. Brand doesn't actually have that
spell, and also she's out of seven spells.
Corbins furious. I'm furious you tricked me.
I tricked you all. I.
Can't believe you fucking tricked.
Me. I was a liar.
She's going to cast Cone of Cold.
OK. And it's going to get a bunch of
little crows. I'm aiming for her beautiful
head. And all of the birds that are.
Encircling it and all of the birds that are encircling it and
they all need to make a con saving through Corbin.
Fuck. Hey, that is a 18 and a 19 for
the 1st 2:00. OK, that's a six for one of
them. All right, that's an 8 and a 12
for the other two. 12. And a 17 for the other one.
So two of them failed I assume. What?
Yeah. What's the save?
What's the throw 1717? OK.
And then Kai also fails. One of mine succeeds.
Well. Can't believe this fucking shit.
So for anybody who failed, they're going to take 38 and if
they die, they freeze solid in a statue.
That's. Pretty cool.
It is cool. What about if they succeed?
Then they will take half of that, so they'll take.
All the the crows are all dead. I have one crow left.
Sorry, I have one crow. OK, the.
Rest of them turn into statues. The rest of them turn.
Into statues, yeah. Can that?
No they don't. They shatter harmlessly.
What if they're like beaks are open?
Nope, they shatter harmlessly against her.
Fan doesn't even acknowledge that she may have like, fucked
up any of Corbin's plans. She's just standing there with
her arm outstretched with murder in her eyes.
Corbin, like, doesn't. Like, he's furious, but he
doesn't actually say anything. Partially because he's too
furious to say anything, and partially because he feels that
it's not fair for him to complain plane after all of the
times that he has caught Slake in an AOE attack.
Thank you, that makes sense. And then Fran is also going to
use bonus action to attack with my crown of stars.
OK. So that one is going to be an 18
to hit? That hits.
That does 23 damage to Kai as one of the stars from around my
head flies off and smashes her in the face.
OK, Ouch, Ouch, Ouch. And now it is Corbin's turn.
Damn. OK.
Corbin and your 1 crow I'm. Going to do a good old blight at
level 5. OK, so she needs to make a con
save. All right, what kind of damage
is that? That's necrotic.
Necrotic. OK, OK.
That is A10. She did not resist.
However, she is resistant to necrotic damage, so she will.
Take half. OK, Cat.
That's fine. That's really cool.
That's great. So it's 18 damage. 18 damage OK.
Still pretty good. That's not bad.
So I imagine that above her a portal opens and just necrotic
sludge covers her ass. Nice.
Yeah, nice. And it's like stinging and it
smells really bad. And there's like vapors rising
into the. Air, and she shakes most of it
off without really reacting to it.
OK. Now it is Mary's turn.
Oh, wait, no, hey, you've got a crow.
Let's you've got one more. Oh.
Yeah, you're right. I do have a crow.
OK, so it's going to do multi attack that first hit is 15
which? Doesn't K hit?
And the second one is over 20 non natural which hits so
that'll be 11 slashing damage. Beautiful, beautiful.
Now it's Mary's turn. Mary is going to go and remove a
curse from Fran. However that does mean she will
provoke an attack of opportunity from Kai who is going to swipe
at her with a Talon. Oh, she misses, she whiffs bad.
Mary comes over and lays hands on you, Fran, and you feel the
curse of Kai's mark slide from you and.
Nod to Mary. Mary's spiritual weapon hacks at
Kai and misses, and now it's Slake's turn.
OK, Yep, here we go. Just hacking away.
Way over 20. OK, 17.
OK and way over 20. OK, the 17 does not hit but the
over 20s do. OK, let's see what we can do. 22
damage total. OK, she's not looking good, but
it is also her turn, so Kai is going to, yeah, she's going to
attack you slight 'cause you're right in front of her still.
Ain't that just? Ain't that just the way she's
going to do a multi attack and she's going to attack twice with
her talons? That is going to be a 23 and a
28. So those of both hit you.
Yep. And can you please make a
strength saving throw please? OK, OK.
That's 16. 16 does not, you are not prone and you are going to
take, you're going to take 36 damage and then she's also going
to bite you. Oh, that one she misses on,
though that's only a 14. Good.
OK, And then she is going to turn towards that little group
where we've got Fran and Corbin and Mary.
No, and she is going to use her lair action to cast Force K.
Wait, no, no, not all at once. Yeah, they're all within a 10
for cube. They're all standing right next
to each other. I'm in the force.
Cage. Yeah, you're all standing next
to each other. So I'm at 36 hit points.
Well. Better get used to dying.
Better get used to dying and being dead.
It's like. Better fucking get used to it.
Oh, Jesus. So, Fran, it's your turn.
Oh well, I mean, there's so many boundless options.
Yeah, OK. There's three of you in there.
Mary's gone. Wait, Corbin says.
Hey Fran, why don't you threaten to kill yourself with a fireball
again? I think it became obvious that
that was not a real fireball. Corbin.
Oh God. Mary starts like hitting the
walls of the force cage trying to dispel it, but she is
ineffectual against this magic. Is Lantern, I think Fran just
like, sighs and rolls her eyes and she casts mirror image and
like four more Franz pop up and they all pat each other on the
shoulder comfortingly and she's like, I don't know, you guys try
teleporting or something? Corbin, you're up.
I'm. Going to turn to Mary and I'm
going to say, Mary, if I give you some of my magic, do you
think you could get us out of here?
Mary signs. I'll try.
The rules of Force Cage are that if a creature tries to use
teleportation or interplanar travel to leave the cage, they
must first make a Charisma saving throw.
She is going to have advantage on this charisma and save
against Kai's spell save DC, which again, is quite high.
But let's see what happens here. It doesn't matter, she fucked
that up so bad. What doesn't matter, she got.
Advantage. Advantage.
Yeah, no, she got a 14 and a six.
What does she need to get? An 18.
Oh. Yep.
Now it's like she gathers up the power from you, Corbin.
You see sort of a faint mist of starry light around her, and
then it just all sort of collapses and falls into the
cage and she shakes her head. Damn, Yeah, it's Mary's turn.
And now slick. It's like, my friend, it's just
you. It's just you and it's force
Cage and it's Kai. Gorben looks at you slack and he
says good luck buddy. And says I'm sorry.
Slack ideas stab. None.
None idea left stab.
Mary, say anything?
Mary signs. We'll figure something out.
OK, so hearing this helpful advice from my friends I guess,
well, my hit points aren't too high, but then again Kai's not
looking too great either, so I guess I'll just see what I can
do. All right, Stimpy Stab.
Stimpy stab Stimpy stab. That's.
What the kids say. First roll to hit is going to be
oh actually that's 22. 22 that'll hit.
That's way over 20, OK, And another way over 20, OK.
And that last one is 19. That'll hit.
And then I guess I'll roll damage and then I'll see if I
want to use my action. Sure, yeah.
Let's do it. OK.
So that's eight. OK, 88.
OK. And that's 10.
Ouch. OK, that is 34 total and Ouch,
she's not enjoying that, but she is still on her feet.
OK, so I think I'm gonna use my action Serge, so I can have
another attack action. OK, OK.
That first one is just 15. That's not hit.
OK, that's over 20. That hits.
Shit, that one's a crit 1. That's OK.
OK. And that's going to be 12
damage. OK, so it's like you continue to
just madly RIP into her with your picks, flinging out black
blood and chunks of her dark flesh, and she roars in pain,
but she still does not go down. She stands over you, dripping
black blood into the inky void, looking almost as if she would
disappear into it. She surges forward again to
attack you. Slake.
And she is going to use her multi attack on you.
Oh God, and it's going to hurt. Fuck.
All right, so that is going to be 14 that does not hit.
That is going to be a 21 and a 24 to hit on her claw attacks.
Yes. Yep.
OK. Oh, and make a strength saving
throw. OK.
It's time for sure. It's like.
That's a 20 all right. You are not knocked bro this
time. This time you are not knocked
bro. Shove her little jaw out of your
way. But she is still going to do a
cool 36 damage to you. OK so that will I mean that
would reduce my hit points past 0.
Then you are. But I could use a maneuver to
try and reduce that damage. All right, try to parry again.
So that's going to reduce the damage by 5.
OK, so that would bring it down to I.
Did say 36,000 take it down to 31?
OK so I have 5 hit points left. Bryce.
Like her, her huge taloned paw breaks out at you.
And I hold up the pick, and I ram it into the center of her
claw, and I hold her back from bringing it all the way down.
You are bloody, you are bleeding, you are ragging good,
but you are holding on with five beautiful hit points.
You are holding on. And I I'll call out to the
others like if you can think of anything.
That'd be. Great.
I like. I can't.
Many friends are saying this. I like I look.
Over at the many friends, I friends are always saying staff
so angry, Corbin says. Corbin, it doesn't matter what
you say because Kai is going to drop the Force cage in order to
use Geyser of Stars on Slate. Slate, please make me a
Constitution saving throw. I don't like the sound of Geyser
of Stars. Yeah, so I'm glad to be free.
But I don't know about this shit.
OK so it's 15 but if that doesn't pass I do have something
called indomitable where I can re roll a saving throw that I
failed. It does pass.
OK. So you're only going to take
half damage. Oh.
Great. Half of 10 radiant damage.
How many do you have Slake? 5.
South Slake, A geyser of stars erupts in the ground underneath
you and throws you 20 feet into the air.
You brace for impact, but you don't know where the floor is
here, and that is the last thing you think where you are knocked
unconscious. Fran, it is your turn.
As Slake falls, Fran is rising, finally released from the cage
again, and she lets out a scream.
She's going to run forward and make like a big huge spear
throwing motion and I spear this bitch.
What does she have to do? Roll decks?
Decks. OK, 16.
OK, that doesn't quite pass. OK.
And I do 29 damage as it stabs her through the eye.
Tell me how it looks when she dies.
I mean, I guess when it comes to Kai, I always imagine that like
a woman's body is inside of this monster.
So this glowing ice spear stabs through the eye and then her
feathers as they are sort of all kind of go stiff and stand up
and then start to peel away. And then when they're all gone,
it's just her with the ice beer through her chest.
And as those feathers fall away, they explode outward, blinding
you and Corbin and Mary as you throw your arms up to fend off
this force. And Fran.
In that instant you see a girl standing on a muddy riverbank a
long, long, long time ago, and a man on the shore not breathing.
Girl is small and stout, with flat features and long black
hair in a single braid down her back.
She looks at you, nods once, and says finish it.
And then you open your eyes again, and you see that girl as
she sways and falls back and sinks into the river of stars
with just a small smile on her face, finally at peace.
There is a torrent of light that blinds you in the darkness of
the void, and then you hear Mary's scream in her God's
voice. Her panic cries fill your minds
for a brief moment and then fall silent.
When you regain your vision, you see that Mary is hunched in the
river of magic. Here, in the corrupting void,
she has taken on the last remnants of the power her mother
sacrificed 100 lifetimes to accumulate, and it has changed
her. She looks up at you with her
golden eyes, and they are less human.
She straightens, and from her back 2 black wings unfurl.
Her fingers are tipped with black claws, and the crown of
antlers that her mother wore has turned into an ornate collar
clasped around her throat. It is silent in the void, save
for the sound of your own breathing.
Then there's the sound of another's breath out there in
the dark. Not one other, no, there's the
sound of many things breathing out there, just beyond the
blackness. A single form coalesces out of
the darkness. A horrible, mangled monkey.
Oh Franika, it's time to pay back your debt.
A swarm of shadowy shapes surge forward, and they pull from the
River Kai's remains. There is a sound of ripping,
cracking, slurping as the horde of demons greedily consumes
everything that is left of the dead God, dragging her from her
peace in the void to consume every part of her.
Now take us to the forces. So yeah, I summon the four giant
fucking crows and they're huge. They're does it say to a house
how big they are To a house, please?
Compare them to a house. Compare them to a house that's.
Immediately. The the standard larks unit of
measurement a house. You're not doing it.
I'm gonna say that two of them is as big as a house, OK?
That's a big fucking crow. That's huge.
I mean, they're giant. That's a huge.
Fucking they're. Giant almost, though, like a
house is a really very. No.
A house is an empirical unit. Of no, no, no, no.