Oh yeah, you had an Yeah, so. Yeah, so, well, it's just like a
thing that happened to me, I don't know about.
The things that happened to you, I'm so interested in the things
that happened to. You thank you.
That really means a lot to me, Kat.
I was like in my room. I was getting ready to go or I
was on the phone with my mom and I was going to go to her house
for something. I don't know.
She's she needs me for things and I was like getting ready.
I went to go get a fresh mask because mine was getting kind of
weird and gross and I like, I kicked something on the ground
and I heard this like hiss like this.
And I was like fucking Voldemort in my house.
I'm like, what's going on? And then I was like whatever.
And like it kept going and I was like, what is that?
And then I like finally like moved my foot and it stopped.
And then I like looked down and I saw a can of compressed air
that had been pointed up at me. Point.
Without the straw, so like a wide nozzle, right.
And it had just been like the, the, the thing had been just
going off and it, it was just coming up at me.
And then all of a sudden I started to smell like a real
funky smell, like it was bad. It smelled like copper and like
bitter in the back of my throat. I started coughing.
Did someone try to poison you? No Juniper I.
Poisoned myself because I kicked a can of compressed air and then
it went off in my face and I didn't realize it.
OK, but the way you described it, you were like it had been
placed to point up at me, so I just.
Assume that's just how it happened to be because I had
because it fell off my desk and I like didn't like.
Are you sure you weren't doing like a home alone style home
invasion? Of myself, yeah, I did it on
myself. A child had set up like an
elaborate death trap for. No, it was me because the can
had like just fallen off earlier and I just like didn't want to
pick it up 'cause I was on the phone of my mom was going to get
it later and then I like kicked it and then it like went off in
anyways. So I literally poisoned myself
and then I got high because. Juniper Yeah.
You're like. Juniper feel like.
You didn't get up. I don't think you get high.
Now that I step, what happened was Juniper stepped on the
compressed air and they're like, I can't deal with this.
And then they just lit up a blunt.
Yeah, that's what exactly. Yeah.
I had some gummies that Errol gave me and I was like fuck this
if I'm going to die those. Are for sleepy time.
Well, I didn't go to sleep anyways.
I did call poison control and he did say that I would get high,
so I was high. OK, wait, wait.
So fuck all of you I get. Worried about you now?
So this thing sprayed. From the ground.
No. OK, so like vaguely towards your
face. And you didn't feel?
Any air, but you just heard no OK and then you got.
A high. I did feel air.
I also had to bend down to pick it up and it was still spraying
so it was like right in my face. In your air that it was.
Well, you can't. No, here's the thing, it's CO2
also being sprayed out and like yes that will get you high if
you huff it. Here's what I think has
happened. Juniper started telling us a
story and about 3/4 of the way through realized it wasn't
actually that interesting so that they have decided to add
additional details to make it. Funny, Juniper would never do
that. Hey first of all also I was
planning to add those details anyways but you guys jumped on
my ass. I was I thought about making fun
of you, you know, that I would be adding, you know, like a fun
like dynamic to the the you know, like it would add an extra
dimension to the story. But like, I would never doubt
the veracity of any of your claims, I thought.
I thought most of the veracity. Your tone hurts me.
Anyways, I did call no because I felt like fucking weird.
And I, I believe. I do believe it.
I I must. Juniper, I called poison control
and he literally was like am I going to die Because it says on
the can like you can die, says on.
The can? You're going to die.
Yeah, it does again if it just says.
You'll die, it says you'll. Die, you're open, you look at
the instructions in the can, and that's when I decided that I
should stop swallowing meatballs whole all.
Right, but no. That's a reference.
Hey, Juniper. Juniper, I think you need to
remember that when you start telling this story and you
realize that it wasn't I'm not interesting.
The proper way to end it is to say that then you found $5.
No, no, no. The way I did it was.
Better I'm mad I the. Way you did it is better, they
say well, denying that they were making up additional details.
I I wasn't interested. I believe it.
Everything you never said. Thank you.
I've never believed a single thing I mean.
Honest and you can ask Seth if you don't believe me because I
told him the same thing. I'm sure you, I am sure that you
workshopped, I'm sure you workshopped this story on Seth
and that's when you realized it wasn't that interesting.
Interesting. It was dramatic for me.
I thought it was interesting Juniper could have died of you
as don't even care. You know what?
Of all of the reactions I could get to this, I think that
Errol's is the one that makes me the angriest, because at least
I'm not being lied to by my other friend.
I look I'm. Being a Dick about it, but I do
believe you. I'm being nice about it, but I
don't. Noel's What are you doing?
What's your what's your take on this?
I believe that Kat thinks she's being nice.
I believe that Juniper thinks that they got high, and I
believe that Errol is here. I'm.
Fucking sick and tired of your correct God damn opinion.
I'm just saying like I do think I have a problem where it's hard
for me to sound sincere. No, you do.
It's really funny. It's really.
Funny. It's very funny.
I have the same problem. Here, Yeah, I do too.
I do too, because that's like, not the pause where we all think
about how hard it is to be sincere.
I literally like, I feel like Noel, literally.
I. Literally looked over and saw
the look in my eyes where I just like looked down and like was
like deep in. I was.
I was in it. Honestly, I was just thinking
that I think I have the opposite problem where yeah, I'm I'm too
good at saying things straight when they're supposed to be a
joke. Especially with people who don't
necessarily know me very well. That's true.
I do that too, I guess, yeah. Yeah, I mean, especially when I
like say things that are perhaps a bit.
Ed J, Ed J. Ed J.
Ed Twisted. Brand of humor.
My twisted brand of humor, which I know I am not saying in a
serious way, but then my Co workers are like.
Are you OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, my silence was not a reflection at all, but actually
a memory of that time that we played among us.
And I constantly thought that Errol.
Yeah. Literally that's what I was also
thinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Every time I play a game where it involves lying when I'm
telling the truth, everyone thinks I'm lying.
Right. Especially when you're trying to
call me out on lying and then you get way too adamant that I
was like when I I was. You're usually right.
About it, but it makes but it turns around and backfires.
I feel like when I am lying, like when I play a game like
that and I lie, I feel like I can pull it off pretty well.
But when I try to tell the truth.
No, you can't. Yeah, no one, no one believes.
It what what you? Need bad at games like that.
I'm good at lying in real life. Yeah.
No, you are what you need to do, Errol is is flip the script on
it. And so like when you're not the
one who needs to be lying, you need to lie and say that you are
the. I mean, no, I think in games
that aren't among us, it usually works out well for me because a
lot of times you want people to think you're lying when you're
not, and you want them to think you're.
That's true, Yeah. Wait, I got.
I gave myself an aneurysm. Yeah, anyway.
Anyway. One of us always tells the truth
and one of us always lies. There's 2 doors.
And the other two of us are just there heckling.
Yeah. The water just here to be
asshole. That's.
Fucking true. Dude, that's fucking true all.
Right. Well, Speaking of lying, let's
play DND, yeah? Hello, I'm Kat and I have never
told the lie in my life. Hello, I'm Noel and which door
would the other guy say I should go through?
Hi, I'm Juniper and I'm lying right now.
Oh fuck. Hi, I'm Juniper and I'm telling
the truth and no citation needed, no notes, no notes.
No, no noes. No, no noes.
You made this. I do a genuinely.
I made this. I didn't say anything.
Oh. All right, so last time you guys
were LED into an ambush by Pholin the Dark Phalen, that
bitch and your boy showed up just in time.
You mean our boy failing? Yes, your boy failing your
actual boy. He showed up just in time.
To try them are actually failing, are they?
Oh damn, you don't have to get sorry.
Yeah, I forgot. Just thoughts for the recap.
Well Good Phelan tackled Bad Phelan and the two of them
started doing their thing that they can both do which is just
flit around and teleport and started trading blows.
You guys lost track of them as you were ambushed by a horde of
zombies and Tita Karen soldiers who beat you.
They they beat you up pretty bad.
You were already not in like super great shape after fighting
a dragon and you you had very few spell slots and no AOE
spells available to you, but you survived for an admirably long
time. We sure did.
Yeah, we. Sure did.
You held out long enough for your reinforcements to arrive.
The orcs, estrins and dwarves broke in through the walls and
ceiling and started fighting this horde that overtook you.
Sam and Namavi are among them, and AS they did that, the four
of you fled toward a Great to get underground to find another
route into the tight Cairn and get to Torva.
So that is where we are now. You guys were running for a
Great just before the orcs arrived, trying to to make a
retreat and now the way to the Great is clear, so you guys head
towards it. Yes, we do this.
Has always worked out for us historically.
You guys, I don't know, I I feel bad about this.
What? What do you?
Shut up. Just get in the.
I don't. Know that I think I.
Corbin, get in the. I get in the great.
We all get in the great we. All get in the great.
Because I'm assuming the fighting is ongoing, right Cat?
Like it's not like the orcs came in, killed everyone and set up a
camp. No.
No, you are. You have just been granted a
brief moment to safely make it to the Great as the orcs begin
to engage with the zombie horde behind you.
Right, what's in the great? Cat, what's in the Great?
Sorry for this 1997. Joe, I love it.
All right. I was Brad Pitt of illusory
snakes. He he possessed my body.
Yeah, he did. He sure did.
OK, the smell down here is gut churningly awful.
It is the sewer of a charnel house with waste and chemicals
mixed in flowing in a sludge down the center of this drainage
tunnel. He'll give you a second here to
catch your breath. Well, if you want to, it's
pretty bad. Fran makes her hair into like a
bubble over her face. Yeah, Slake pulls out the like
mask they had for traversing the Red Caverns and gets that right
on. Yeah, yeah, Mary just like,
tries to pull her shirt up over her nose and mouth.
I give Corbin my bandana since I know that he doesn't have any
clothes to cover himself. Corbin says.
What's this for? You don't the smell.
It smells a little weird I. Don't know, OK.
I think you should tie it around your head like a babushka.
I do that, I do that, I do that. It's like just like gives you a
look and then it's like, OK. Cute.
Thanks. Hey, thanks like.
And anytime I guess. Above you there is a a huge
rumble as something big hits something else big, and then a
single hand falls down through the grate and it it.
Big wait, I want to catch it. How big I want to catch it?
Single hand that is moving of its own accord.
It's not my hand. It's a disembodied, a
disembodied dwarf hand. Can I catch it?
Like make a handshake, make me a sleight of hand.
Cat you Wiley. Okay, let's see.
I can't resist it. That's a good one.
That was good. That's a six cat.
Oh, a six. No, no, no.
The hand just skitters off down the tunnel.
But it's moving independently. Yeah, that's a Zombo hand.
Yeah, it's a Zombo hand. OK, Mary like looks after it and
then signs. I guess we should get moving.
That sounds like a good plan. You guys move up the tunnel and
walk for about 5 minutes trudging along this path of
slime. It just is nauseating to look
at, to smell, to even just be around.
After a little while, Mary stops you guys again and signs we we
can't go on like this. Give me, give me a moment.
And she leans up against the wall of the tunnel and then sort
of like pulls away from it as it is slimy and gross, and she
covers her face with her hands for a second and just sort of
crouches down and takes a few deep breaths.
After a moment, Mary looks up and she has golden tears leaking
from her eyes, which she wipes onto her fingers.
Then she beckons Fran over. And thumbs.
And she stands up enough and then rubs her thumbs over your
eyes. Now she reaches into my water.
Oh yeah, my, that's good. She does reaches into your
water. I don't know.
She reaches into your Yeah, it feels nice.
It actually it does feel really nice.
The golden tears dissolve into your water sphere, Fran, and you
instantly feel 100,000 times better, like you've had a hot
meal and eight hours of sleep. Oh my God.
Shit, Mary, thank you. She signs.
There's a lot of people praying to me right now to.
Bet. All right Corbin, it's like your
turn, she says as she continues to make herself cry and pull the
tears off of her face. Mary, how are you holding up?
Her demeanor looks like she's beaten down, but physically, she
looks great. She looks hot.
Yeah. Like she looks luminous.
Her hair glows with, you know, the golden strands in it.
Her eyes almost glow in the dark with this luminous, godly glow.
And she signs I I feel great but also horrible, you know?
Well, if you want me to carry you or anything, just let me
know, OK? She laughs and shakes her head.
Oh, that's, that's OK. I not that kind of horrible here
and she she rubs her tears on you and each of you, you gain
the effects of a long rest and you level up.
Give Mary a hug. Corbin take take your hit
points. Oh my God, my smells.
Are you saying long rest? Yes.
Wow. Yes, well, you're about to go
fight. Yeah, we're gonna need it.
You're gonna need it fucking. Need it.
Those are good tears. Those are some good tears.
Those are some good fucking tears.
Yummy. Yeah, wait, Corbin, When Mary
puts her little hands on Corbin, he says.
I haven't done this in a while, give me a minute.
And then his little face crumples and tears begin
streaming from his eyes, Ghibli style, and he and he touches
them with his fingers, and then he puts them on Mary's little
face. And Mary Harry looks at you for
a second, and then she gives you a hug.
Corbin hangs back. And then she signs over your
shoulder. I don't think I've ever seen him
cry. I used to cry all the time.
When? Like at the beginning of when we
left Esther, I was like a big cry baby.
You guys remember that? I wasn't there.
I like, see another crow and I'd start crying.
Wow. Yeah, man, I turned it off the
hose. I I give Corbin a hug too.
No, I'm fine. It's too late, I.
Just let out like. Pounds of it.
OK. We're good.
As you are hugging and having this beautiful moment, there is
a slosh of liquid from somewhere up the tunnel and it's pushes
the sludge down past you. It's hot and black, but it moves
like egg whites as it rolls down the channel.
At the center of this tunnel, Mary gags again and signs Let's,
let's keep moving. All right.
You keep moving up the tunnel until you come to another grate
and an access letter leading up to it.
The remains of the black fluid that was dumped down here still
drip from the grate in the rungs of the ladder.
Mary looks back at you all and signs OK, are we ready?
OK, so I think who has the highest perception?
Corbin. Yeah, probably me.
So Fran wants to elbow Corbin and say Corbin, listen for where
we are. Do do you think we're in the
tide of Cairn? Hold on, let me, let me see what
my elf ears. Yeah.
Do you want to like maybe move up the ladder a little bit to
try and like listen up the top of the grate?
Yeah, yeah, I'll do that. I'll get my little ear right up
against the grate. Just like for your eyes.
I'm listening for the. I'm listening for the footsteps
of orcs. I mean, is it a grate that has
holes in it? You could just look with your
eyes. And be seen with their eyes,
yeah. OK, fine, I'm.
Just listening. I'm just listening.
OK.
Yeah, that's like over 20. Over 20 so you hear 2 sets of
footsteps up there and also the sound of like mechanical
whirring, like machines working. And please make me a Dexterity
saving throw. You're going to get splooshed
on. We get fucking splooshed dude.
So that's 13. 13 No, yeah, I kind of Corbin you get sludged,
you get splooshed as a another torrent of this black sludge
just pours down on top of you and you are going to take you're
only going to take one poison damage.
Thank. God.
Didn't roll very well. What?
Fran uses like a little watery spell to clean Corbin off.
Thanks, Fran. You know, usually I like shit
like this, but that kind of stung.
What is that stuff anyway? Mary shakes her head and takes a
step back from it and signs. I don't I don't know, but it's
definitely wrong. Can I cast identify on?
It sure. I just want to know like, is it
people? Yeah.
What do you a cast identify on? I'll give you that It is the IT
is the byproduct of the refining process that they're using to
turn people parts into dragon parts.
Does it have any properties? It definitely.
Hurts you. Hurts.
It is toxic and it is very mildly anti magic.
OK, but like not in just. Sort of not really usefully.
Not in a way that would just make you feel uncomfortable.
Yeah, it's just sort of like, you know, Corbin, it just kind
of made you feel like icky and gross.
Kind of bloated now. Yeah, well, I mean, you're fine
now that you've been washed off, but yeah, it's smacks avoid
magic. You know, Smacks avoid magic has
a a bitter overture of avoid magic in the Somalia notes.
The mouthfeel Fran Fran kind of like side eyes Corbin and
pretends she didn't cast identify.
OK, well, Corbin doesn't need to know, I guess.
I heard two footsteps up, there is at least two people and
obviously this shit. Do we think this is where Torba
is? Do you hear the footsteps?
Like moving away. With your perception check,
Corbin, they were moving like around.
It seemed like they were walking back and forth between this
grate and somewhere else like. I would guess that wherever we
are, it's like some kind of facility that people are working
in. I would assume those footsteps
are people working in nine to five because.
It were. That's what the footsteps
sounded like. OK.
What a way to make a living. Well you know before we do
anything Mary, I think you should have this.
And Corbin pulls out the claw of the worm rune which is an anti
dragon weapon. Yeah, you guys pick that up in
like Mark 2? Yeah, hold on.
One of the first things we bought from Dawson.
I believe you. Management, you held on to this
this whole time. Quite a while.
Quite a while, yeah. We remembered that it existed.
Yep. But yeah, he gives it to Mary
and he says, I think. That you could make the most of
this, Mary. Mary accepts it with a solemn
nod. I've never really been able to
get it to work. So great gift, Corbin.
Mary. Yeah, well.
Mary's like special, you know, she could do stuff with it.
I don't. Know Yeah, Mary loops it through
a strap on her armor. At the very least it'll keep you
a little safer from the breath weapon.
Mary nods and signs. Thank you, Corbin, all of you.
I just want to take a moment to say thank you.
I, Fran, Corbin. When we first met, I, I wasn't a
person. It was a doll that Torva kept
locked in a cabinet, ready to be broken open and used.
And because of you, I've had a chance to be someone, to be me.
And no matter how this all turns out, Torva can't take that from
me. And Slake, thank you.
I'm, we're outsiders to this world and I don't, I don't think
I ever would have felt like I belonged on the surface if it
wasn't for you. Thank you for everything you've
done and everything you've sacrificed to help us.
Help me. You've kept us going when we
might have given up without you, and I will never forget that.
Oh, geez, Mary, I say, and I start to tear up.
No, don't cry. I'm supposed to be the crying
one. You can't tell if France crying,
but her face looks really ugly inside her.
Little water thing. Corbin can't cry anymore because
he expended all of his tears earlier, so he looks stoic.
Mary, you were always a person, you just weren't treated that
way. And, and I'm really glad that
that we got to, to, to get to know you.
Like you deserve to be happy. And I'm, I'm sorry you had to
fucking deal with all of this crazy shit.
But we're going to get through this and you're going to get to
do the stuff that you want to do.
Mary smiles shakily. And science, Hank and all this
is over. I just want to take a nap.
You're going to take so many naps, Mary.
Ditto all of that. Now let's go kill your dad.
Does have to punctuate this poignant moment.
Another reign of sludge is poured to the great.
Damn. It God damn it.
Oh hello, I did not see you there.
It's me Larky or possibly Larco the legend Lark.
Yes that's right, I'm French and I'm here in my first 100% Canon
and brand sanctioned appearance to bring you the mid role.
This fanciful lark was absolutely discussed with the
entire group who all agreed upon all aspects of the character.
And this mid role was carefully scripted and reviewed by all
shareholders and is definitely not just Arrow fucking around in
a desperate bid to distract themselves from personal and or
world events. Here's some more fun facts about
me. The lark.
I use every pronoun. My favorite kitchen implement is
the whisk. I'm afraid of escalators.
And it turns out I'm a flat earther.
Go figure. Oh, what fun we have had here
today, listeners. But I have a job to do.
I have some very exciting announcements this mid role, so
do stick around to hear them or be forever ignorant of the tide
that rises to engulf you. First, I am to thank our new and
increasing patriots. We are so grateful to you who
have chosen to support the show in this way.
It is truly so helpful, especially to those of us who
work not the highest paying day jobs and really rely on the
income for help with things like say, rent.
So merci beaucoup, dust in the dark water.
Devlin Pliatstra. Morgan Hayes hit Love and the
Ben Lambert. Creating a podcast is a huge
endeavor, and your support allows us to do things like hire
an audio editor. Speaking of which, I have joyous
news to deliver you in this new year.
With help from our editor, we will be returning to our every
other week release schedule with our next episode releasing
January 16th. Thank you so much to everyone
for your patience as we have navigated difficult times, and
we hope you will enjoy hearing us on our more regular basis
once more. And what's this, Russell?
Russell, I see something here in my little statue slung over my
little wing. It looks like another
announcement in this mid roll. Let us listen to it.
Hello listeners. Errol here with a marvelous
segment in this assuredly top tier mid roll with special guest
Ray. Very exciting.
Hello again. Welcome, welcome.
Y'all might know me as Van Winkle?
I wondered from what I introduced myself literally 3
episodes ago, surprise, I'm trans.
On this. Podcast.
I know. Shocker.
Well, Ray, congratulations on your participation in the Proud
and Sacred Legend Lark tradition of changing your name on the
podcast. You are now the third person, so
I extend my congratulations. How's it going?
It's going really well. People have been honestly much
nicer and more accepting than I was hoping.
I've been transitioning for like 3 years and I spent that whole
time being terrified that if I ever came out I would
immediately lose my entire family, job, and home.
That hasn't happened. People have been incredibly
supportive and I'm really, really happy.
Hell yeah. Well, we're glad to have you.
You've listened to our previous mid roles listeners.
You know that Ray has been bravely working to help in the
massive undertaking that is audio editing for the show.
Ray, I did the first pass on this episode, so I just want to
apologize in advance if you've had to listen to us talking
about Horva's butt hole or anything, or if not, forget that
I said that. We'll see if it comes up.
Yeah, it it. It it probably will.
So yeah, I was going to ask any, any winter or holiday films
you've been enjoying this time of year?
Anything that you like to return to on those cold, dark
California nights? Yes, yes, so far I have
rewatched twice now the Charlie Brown Christmas Special.
Nice. And we watched Rudolph the the
old frank and fast stop motion thing.
I fucking love those stop motions.
I'm like. Great.
It's so much fun. And then the other night we
watched The Polar Express, which as creepy as it is, I still have
such a soft spot for it just cuz it came out at just the perfect
point in my life. Hell yeah.
It's just like, it's so, it's so goofy and so off putting in
terms of the animation looks now, but it's just so God damn
earnest and you just can't help but love it.
Hell yeah. I mean that's the way I feel
about. I mean, I don't find them off
putting, but I do love how earnest the stop motion specials
are. Like I have a sick obsession
with them, so yeah. Yeah, we, we're, I need to watch
the year without a Santa again. It's been it's been a while, but
wanted to go back to that one. Oh hell yeah, the that's the one
with heat Miser snow. Miser.
Yes, some. Jaunty tunes in there.
Very jaunty indeed. And then I haven't watched it
yet, but usually always, you know, watch Elf at least once
during, you know, the holiday season.
Yeah, can't go wrong there. I mean and I love that that one
is directly referencing like the old stop.
Motion ones, Yeah. Yeah.
I love Mr. Narwhal. Best character?
Hell yeah. And I mean even just the
costuming like. It's it's the why?
Weren't you at ELF practice, guys?
Uniform That I OK, good. You know what?
I'm. You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah. So always good to see.
Gotta love memes based on a 60 year old TV special.
Yeah. And Ray, I was going to ask, is
there anything you'd like to plug or replug since you're here
and you know, good opportunity? Yeah, I mean, I talked about my
own podcasts when I first introduced myself, The Sheridan
Tapes, Tales of the Echo Wood, Homestead in the Corner.
I can now say even though many of them were not originally
started with this intent, that they are all definitely trans
coded podcasts. I figured out a lot about myself
while writing and producing them.
So if you want to, if you want to go through those and see my
progress of figuring out gender and all of that, go right ahead.
You can also check out my blog which is also called Homestead
on the Corner. I wrote a little coming out post
which goes into more detail about my process of figuring
this all out and coming out and all of that.
So. Yeah.
Hell yeah. Oh, and we're listeners.
Preferred pronouns. She her and they them.
Yes, just wanted to. Throw that out there so people
refer to you correctly. You and it is and is ray with a
WWRAY. Hell yeah.
A lovely and unique spelling a dig it.
It's it's it's Ray spelled like Ren.
Well, I mean, we're big. Bird, bird heads over here.
So anytime we can work in a way to relate things back always.
It's great. It's great for the brand.
Clearly why I picked this three years before I I even knew about
this podcast. Yeah, that was really good
strategizing. Some, some good brand synergy
going on there. We.
Love Synergy. Well, thank you so much Ray for
joining us of. Course, Sarah, thank you for
having me. Hell yeah, and now I will
release you into the wild so that I can get back to whatever
stupid bit I've come up with to deliver the Patreon thank yous
and other mid roll business. I can't wait to hear it.
I I hope you don't hear it unfortunately.
I have no choice. I'm editing this episode.
I. Know, but like I, I who you
know, who knows? Maybe I'll, you know, maybe I'll
just sneak in there and edit. It so you don't have to.
I mean, I'm. Not going to sing this.
I don't. Well, OK, I might sing a little,
but like not a lot, so it'll be fine.
I guess You were going to find out eventually.
I will try to mentally prepare myself.
Thank you. Thank you for your service.
All right. Good night, Errol.
Of Wah magnific, thank you Ray for your assistance with our
humble podcast and what beautiful voices that Errol is a
real charmer. No, but I must not allow myself
to be distracted. There is just so much to say in
this mid role and I've done it in a bizarre and frankly
difficult to keep track of manner.
Let us continue. I want to thank one more person
and that is our most recent reviewer on Apple podcast, Vox
Ex Machina for the very sweet review.
Reviewing the show is much appreciated.
Not only do we love reading your kind words, but it boosts our
ratings as well so we can hopefully reach even more
listeners with our deranged labor of love.
And speaking on the topic of such things, we do have some new
Larks created merch in the store.
We have a lovely new Darius Iron on patch and holographic sticker
Treasure Lee and a new print of the bonus campaign Dame Gendive
Crew on shimmer paper. Oh, it is too much.
These lovely things have made their way to male tier patrons
already, but you can support the show by picking these up from
our online shop Legend Lark dot Store.
Well, as much as I love the sound of my voice, I am getting
out of breath and I still have many an adventurer to guide on
their journey or whatever the fuck it is that I do.
I am going away now, Bourgeois and a happy new year.
Oh shit, did you guys see that bird flying away?
Anyway, I guess I better record the mid roll.
You know, I I did my setup and then I went to get some tea,
but. Hey, you know this.
This audio file it, it looks like it's already got a lot of
content. Did it?
Do you think that bird? Well, I'm just going to assume
the bird did it 'cause I'm tired.
So I guess I'll just do the message to Chantelle.
Chantelle. The code word is wayfinding
heart. The sleeper agent is active Go.
All right. What order do you head up in?
How do you guys want to do this? I look at the opening and I look
at you guys and I say I can head in first.
OK. I'm basically headed halfway in
first already so I'm cool with that.
Mary, Mary signs Be careful. As the leader, I want you to go
first. OK.
You can count on me. Are you going loud or going
quiet? I didn't.
Quiet, quiet. Roll me a stealth checks like.
Christ. At disadvantage because you have
heavy armor on it. Let me see what my stealth is.
It's. Really high, I bet.
So it's. 2 So I rolled A6 so. It's an 8.
Yeah, it's a fucking 8. OK, I love.
To make an ass of myself. Slake You carefully clank up the
ladder, which is sort of slippery and awful with sludge.
So slake. As you pop up, you find yourself
in one of the workrooms of the Taita Cairn.
But this place is much different than you remember.
The entire ceiling of this cavern has been ripped off like
a tin can and scaffolding extends up and up and up.
A mechanized pulley system lowers drums of foul smelling
sludge down from the top of the scaffold where work is being
done on the dragon. And it's like as you emerge, 2
really looking dwarves swimming in their Taita Karen blue robes
turn around and they immediately throw their hands up and back
away quickly from the grate. Oh thank God, I say.
Oh hello, say do you guys like your jobs?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He, he said.
He, he, he did, he killed anyone who wouldn't help.
We're, we're just trying to, to get through this and, and, and,
and lose our sense of smell as quickly as we can.
OK, that's awesome. Because, you know, we would
really love some ropes and there's actually like a little
tunnel here if you wanted to say, you know, hide out for the
next, I don't know, 6 to 12 hours.
So maybe we can just do a little exchange.
And they immediately start undressing.
Hell. Yeah, they, they are not, they
are not there to resist you. But one of them does say if you
want to get up to to where he is.
And he points to the empty buckets that are heading up the
pulley system. He says that goes straight to
the top. Thank you.
Is there anything else we should know about this space you've
been having to work in here? Anything that would give us an
advantage. They, they look at each other
and, and one of them says, I, I don't go.
I mean do because I, I hope you, you stop him or what, whatever
you're trying to do. But we, we've tried not to go up
there as much as we can. A lot of the people.
Who? Who do?
Work up there they they don't come back down.
Right. So, so Torva.
Blake, move. I can't see.
OK, OK. Sorry guys and I climb up out,
see if you guys can get out. Can't we all come out?
Can't believe you're just having a conversation on the fucking
ladder. And Winnie the Pooh sticking
your little head out. I'm sorry.
No, you did good. It's like.
Yeah, that was great. Well done.
Incredible charisma. Master manipulator.
Oh yeah, really good at that. You don't sound sincere.
Mary agrees. Corbin says without looking at
Mary at all. Whatever I say and I, I make
room for you to get out. All right, So what do you want
to do? We could use the robes for
something, maybe. Yeah, we want to try and be
stealthy. I mean, if we're going to be
riding up in the buckets like they're not supposed to be doing
the. Thing.
The thing too also is that these are dwarves and we aren't.
Yeah, but. They were swimming.
They were still swimming in the robe.
They're just they're. Skinny.
Yeah. So like, I mean, we could put
the robes on, but it would be like a shirt and then we would
need pants and it would be really tight fine.
I mean like we could. We might look hot when I.
Heard swimming. I just assumed it was an
invitation. We might look really good.
We could look. Good.
It's like, why don't you try you?
Just make these guys get naked. They're not naked, no one wears,
no one wears a robe, and then it's just fucking raw dogging
under it. For yourself.
They're not naked, but they're they're just wearing small
clothes underneath. OK, well now I feel like an
asshole. You know what, guys?
I'm sorry. You, you, you.
You take these back and I give them back their robe.
It's sort of a look at them and they seem kind of reticent to
put them on you're. Really playing mind games here.
They're sort of the, the roads are sort of damp and smelly and
like, you know, when you're like you're wearing damp and smelly
clothes and it's fine, but like. Putting you to.
Put them back on and. The back on is like.
The worst I look through my bag of holding to see if I have any
other clothes to give them. You've got your fancy.
Yeah, I pull out like 2 beautiful dresses.
They look a bit uncertain about this, but eventually one of.
Them, they really are drowning in these dresses.
Oh yeah, that the dresses are way too big on them.
I mean, like they're long on them, but they're kind of, they
can't like zip up. Like on me, like it's like a
little mini dress. Like on them it's like a full
length gown. They like.
Oh yeah. But they also like they can't
quite do up like all the laces in the back and stuff.
So they're looking a little silly, but.
Fitting is off. The fitting is way off, but they
do put like the outer layer of their tighter care robes over
those, so they're not really your fancy clothes so they.
We really helped. Yeah, yes, like.
We really did. One of them, one of them says if
if you want to go up the that way, I I'll hold the line for
long enough to load you each up in oh.
Thank you. That's really.
Nice of you. And the other one is already
climbing down the grate. Yeah.
All right. It's.
Two kinds. One of you 2 is getting into
heaven. Hey, what's your name?
My my name is Brock. Brock I I really appreciate you.
You're you're a legend and they're going to write about you
in the history books. I really hope they don't.
They're going to mention you when they sing our songs.
Yeah, there's going to. Be like a whole chorus about
you. They're.
Going to name a food after you? They're going to call it
broccoli. Oh, I think that already exists.
No, I never. Heard of it?
Not real. All right, well, here.
Mary looks back at you guys in silence.
I'll go first. If Turva is up there, I can
throw a shield up while the rest of you get up.
Be careful. Mary nods.
Sense. I'm sure I can do this.
After all, I'm I'm a God, right? Yeah, you are you.
Are God. She nods and then very, very
gingerly gets into the barrel. A slime bucket.
The slime bucket and visibly sort of like has that like a
Studio Ghibli style shiver that like goes all the way up what
order you go up in after Mary goes up.
I'm too embarrassed to volunteer to go in any order, so you guys
are going to have to make I'll. Go.
I'll go next. All right, I'll go after you and
then Slake, would you guard guard us from the.
Rear It would be my honor. Hey Slake, where we go up?
I just want to say I know I'm a bitch to you, but I really
appreciate all that you do for us.
Whatever. All right, let's go.
And what about me? Oh yeah, you should apologize
this like too. You're right.
All right, and you are now all on your way up the scaffold,
which means it's time for our first Fortune roll of the day.
All right, so with this round of fortune rolls, if you want to
add a blessing, give advantage, or add AD 10 to this, you will
have to give up your turn in combat.
Which means for this first one, you will give up your first turn
in combat to affect it if you decide to do so.
OK. On your way up the scaffold, you
look down and see the battle sprawling out beneath you.
The orcs are fighting hard against the undead, their
experience in monster hunting aiding them in dispatching the
seemingly endless horde. Among the dwarves and S you
catch sight of a small knot of people protecting one dwarf in a
big wooden box. Through the Press of this crowd,
you can finally spot Torio, the dwarven inventor who promised
you a weapon to help in this fight.
Torio. The dwarves are trying to set up
some kind of gun, but they're surrounded on all sides and it
looks like it'll take them a moment to set things up.
You see Namavi runs towards them and takes up a guard position,
catching the blow of a zombie as it comes down towards the
dwarven inventor and her axe sticks in the zombie's arms and
she is holding it off with her axe.
You see a zombie reaching for Namavi, it's fingers bare inches
from her throat. Please make me a fortune roll.
OK. Hey.
OK, that's him. 11:11. That is a partial success.
But I might as well give up my turn.
I mean if you want. Well, how we happen not to.
How many times can we use a blessing like that cat?
As many times as we want. As many times as you want to.
Give it a turn. Harder to give up turns, but
right now like yeah. That's true.
OK all. Right, let's go.
OK, actually I rolled A7, so 7 + 11, that's gonna bring it up to
18. That is now a.
Total success. Yeah, curse dice who?
All right. I'd like to use the fortune roll
to fire a crossbow bolt, and can I just chop it's arm off like
with? A crossbow bolt.
Like in. Like in Princess Mononoke.
Yeah, Yeah. OK.
Yeah, you got, you got a total success.
I'll let you do that. Hell yeah.
Thank you. All right, the crossbow bolt
rips through the zombies arm, which gives Namavi enough notice
that she is able to turn and cut the head off the zombie that is
coming for her. OK.
Torio fires the weapon and a beam of white light emits forth
from it, hitting the still animating corpse of the dragon
far above you. The mottled reddish brown skin
blooms and fades as light passes over it.
Corbin and Fran, you feel something akin to what you felt
when the dragon that was Bruva took down the cold iron ceiling
of Esidel, like a great weight has been lifted.
So like we can use magic now? Yes, you will now be able to use
magic against Torva and the dragon when you get up there.
Hell yeah. OK, well I didn't know there was
a problem, but great. OK.
Bran is hiding in her bucket, by the way.
OK, so you all Crouch in these drums as they take you up and
up, but the higher you go, you can still feel that strange
heaviness inside you. You can feel the Dragon's very
presence trying to suppress your magic, but then you can also
feel the void magic of Torrio's weapon piercing through that and
fighting against this effect. And then over all of that, you
can sense Mary and her calming promise of survival that
envelops you. You can always feel her presence
now, just a little, especially you, Fran, and Corbin as her
power has grown and been named. You feel all of this, and above
it, you feel the. Aura.
Of the Conqueror. This is his domain.
The air itself feels oppressive, violent.
You feel that drop in your stomach, like, and you know
you've made a mistake somewhere, like you're going to lose and
there's nothing you can do to stop it.
Torva is here. Torva is close. the Conqueror is
preparing for his victory, for your defeat.
And then abruptly, as Mary's drum must be reaching the top,
you feel your connection to Mary snap.
When you reach the top of the pulley system, you find yourself
on a series of mechanical platforms which lead up to
Torva's Dragon. More drums sail overhead,
bringing materials in from other parts of Esadel and ferrying
away the waste products. There's a control panel on the
highest platform up near the Dragon's head, with many
switches and levers to control all the moving mechanical parts.
However, when you get up there, Mary is collapsed on the ground,
clutching her chest. Mary.
Her eyes are wide with panic as she reaches out with one hand
toward the child who is standing in front of her.
The child appears human, with a pointy chin and big green eyes
that focus on Mary with a malice that is too old for their
appearance. The child is dressed in
impeccably tailored leather armor, with a silk shirt dyed a
stunning grass green peeking out from underneath.
As you each come up onto the platform, you see this scene
unfolding, and you hear from above.
This, dear daughter, is why you should always use a mortal
sacrifice when you need a new body.
Torva's voice rings out from the platform above you, where he
stands, looking down on the four of you.
Behind him is the twisted, fleshed skeleton of the dragon.
It's even more awful up close. Some patches of iridescent black
scales cling to the red flesh, which is otherwise mottled like
a fresh burn. One huge eye, made of something
black and Jelly like, looms behind Torva as he leans his
hands against the railing. He's gotten taller since you
last saw him, still stocky and square it off the way most
dwarves are, but you can see Torva's face emerging from the
old King's features. He's kept the beard, though he's
trimmed it up to frame his new face to best effect.
He vaults over the railing and lands with a heavy thud between
you and the child who has not stopped looking at Mary.
This is what you risk when you cobble together the powers of
other gods like that. It will wear off as you absorb
their aspect into your own. But it's only been, what, a few
months? You're too impatient, child.
Still, I underestimated you. And he turns back to all of you
and raises his chin. All of you and your little
ragtag army. Ran from hearing this going on
as she's being raised up, knows that fucking shit's going down
and Torva's right there and she telepathically says to Corbin do
something crazy. OK.
So Corbin comes out of the, it's like a well, right cat that
we're being like lifted out of kind of.
Yeah, it's just a long. Drop.
OK, yeah. So once Corbin kind of gets up
there and he sees and he received Fran's telepathic
message, he knows kind of what he's going to do already.
And once he sees Torva. Again, like a whole.
Fresh asshole looking like a fresh asshole.
What? He comes up.
Fresh and tastes. He comes up and he says.
Torva, glad to see you're still looking like a fresh asshole.
Tasty. And then what the fuck?
And then? I'm just trying to throw him up
and then he turns into a giant scorpion.
Oh. Yeah.
OK, Corbin, so you turn into a giant scorpion in your drum as
it continues to rise. You will get an attack of
opportunity for surprising him once we get into initiative.
But before that? Before that.
Orva looks at each of you in turn.
Fran. Even though you're hiding, you
get the sense that somehow he can see you too, and for a split
second you see yourselves conquered.
You see the end as it might come to be, The dragon breaking loose
from the dwarven caverns, ringing the mountain down around
it. As it takes off into the air,
you see a darkness that spreads across the sky, a cloud of ash
that blots out the sun. In your vision, all of your
victories so far are undone. The elves of Ilfra are starving.
The citizens of Danmar are dying of thirst.
The Madrid court is in chaos, with courtiers sending their
armies against one another to grab for the throne.
You see the mortal armies of the world, your last surviving
friends among them, rise up in a last desperate stand against the
darkness. They wave Mary's banner and
cheer your names as a rallying cry before they're wiped out for
good. The remaining gods are brought
under the yoke of a new force, Torva ascended, power too great
to resist. Those who try are wiped from the
face of the earth, their domains left to rot or gifted to
sycophants. The beast gods are driven back.
To the wild. Animal thoughts and are unable
to speak. The mortals who remain are
enslaved, forced to worship this new force and his dark gods.
You see all of this in a blink of the eye, and then finally you
come back to reality. You haven't lost yet, and Torva
says. Come, let us end all of this so
I may forge my new world. I.
Don't I like don't have any items, I just have.
Like a bullet. With I have the gun, I know
that's what I mean. I was like, other than the gun
and the bullets, the. Most important items.
I think I mostly got rid of my items.
I just have the dragon slaying sword and then which, you know,
like we don't really need for. Well, actually, no, we probably.
Are going to need it. Yeah, you're right.
We're probably going to need it. You're right.
We're probably going to need it. I.
Just have the stupid dragon slaying sword.
It's not. We're going to need that.