When we were down in Colorado Springs, you could see Pikes
Peak, no snow on the mountain at all.
There's videos of people going up ski lifts and it's just grass
under their feet. There's no.
Even scarier to fall out of, yeah.
There's no snow and we did end up, we went to a place called
Big R, which is like a Tractor Supply Company.
Were you the mayor of it? Hey everybody that was yours was
a little bit way more energetic than mine.
Happy New Year, it's 2026. First episode of the years,
guys, this is huge we're going to have.
I haven't done one since last year.
Yeah, I haven't talked to you guys since last year.
That hits every time. Pretty, pretty exciting year
planned for us so far. I haven't planned anything yet,
but I feel like the plans that we might make going to be pretty
exciting. Got a good feeling?
Got a good feeling about the potential.
Forward in the man, yeah, I'd say this will be the best year.
Ever. But I always like to bet
conservatively, so I I might bet on years.
Past with my bet, yeah. I might, I might spread it out
amongst some years, but I got some big, I got some big kind of
like arcs I plan on going on. I have an idealized self that I
want to kind of what's that word that people use manifest I want
to manifest myself into. A better man.
A better man and idealized self. There's like when I close my
eyes, I kind of have like, this image of Sam, almost like, you
know, like in the Matrix, like how Neo has like his plugged in
self. That's awesome.
And then when he pulls the plug, he's actually like a little
homeless guy. Yeah, he's a bald homeless guy
with a tattered shirt. I would kind of.
I'm the tattered shirt guy. Duster.
And then I think, yeah, when I close my eyes, I go, that's what
2026 Sam is going to be. He's going to be in there it
leather duster. Yep.
And he's going to have lots of guns under the duster and he's
planning something big. Abby's and leather, Yeah.
And you're eating a steak. Yeah, and I make a phone.
Call and I say something and then I put the phone in the
trash can when I'm done with it. That's how you know, I'm that's
how I'm conducting all business this year and I'm planning
something big. OK.
Yeah, yeah. Burner phones.
Secret plans. French coats with guns
underneath and and also there's like an.
Eye on the news, guys. Sam's going global.
There's yeah, you'll see me in the headlines.
You'll know you won't have to look here for updates.
You'll see it. But there's also some other
things like like you ever see like a like what you want
yourself to become and you go like, I need to get blank, you
know, like that thing, that thing that you think would bring
you to the the, the next level. I.
Wish I was a. Baller.
I think I I always want to have on me.
I think this year I need to find an ether plug.
That's the first thing I need to, I need to have an ether
plug. I think at any given moment if
the vibes are going South I got a pre moistened rag of ether I
think would be a pretty good milestone to that.
Time. That is achievable, yeah.
The vibes are off and then Ioffer it to whoever is fucking
up the vibes. I also kind of want to stream a
little bit more this year. Not too much, just enough to
leave people wanting more. Once a month.
Yeah, once a month would be pretty good.
Not too much that you start to hate me.
And I think the third thing is I want to be more politically less
informed. Less.
You just want to be less. I just want to be less informed
overall 'cause I realized the people that even it doesn't
matter right or left, the more politically involved they are,
the more that they know, the less happier they are and I
more. Or less knowing make me more or
less happy make me more happier. Make me more more smile and and
I've also realized that like have you ever gotten in an
argument with someone or like talked about politics with
someone where like you don't agree with them, but you go like
I know that there is information that directly rebuttals what
they're saying, but my brains not good enough to come up with
examples of it. That's when you use grok.
Yeah. Grok This guy said this to me.
Come up with a report. That is like factual.
I, I, I think I could read an article that says what the
problem is and how to fix it and then turn around and have an
argument with someone. And I wouldn't, I wouldn't be
able to recall any of that information.
Yeah. Yeah, well, your you maybe want
to work on some just. Memory I guess.
You're going the other way with it, so I just keep doing
whatever you're currently doing in your lifestyle and you're not
going to have to worry about that much longer because your
memory gets worse every year. I think it's important, guys to
to look in the mirror, acknowledge what you've been
born with and roll, roll with it.
Yeah. I'm not going to sit there and
try to get my memory better, OK? I'm not going to try to become.
You're not. Going to try to have a big hog
and, you know, yeah. Nothing.
Nothing crazy. OK, I'm not going to shoot for
the stars here. Yeah, I I'm going to play to my
strengths. My strengths are not
remembering. Your strengths are being a
forgetful rage, Vader. That's what I'm going to and I'm
going to stick to it and I'm going to get better.
Really grind people's gears this year.
But not, not in the political sphere.
That's not what I'm rolling towards.
I don't want to become more. Of the public pranking.
Yeah, I don't want to be like Asman Gold, you know, where he's
like always just bringing up political shit and it's like,
it's just this guy. I think the fact that you're
married with children already puts you out.
Pretty far. Leagues above Asman Gold.
It's not cockroaches running around your screen right now.
You might be a little a step or two in the right direction
already. I love going to live stream fail
and just seeing like another clip from him, like living in
that moldy little room talking about like immigration and
stuff. It's crazy.
Putting trash in my trash here. Putting soda in my drinks hat.
You know how far America's fallen?
It's gross here now. They do, I think.
I think what you're looking for ultimately is like a lobotomy.
Yeah. I think you're saying that you'd
be much happier if you had nothing.
No, you would have no, like, I mean, think about it, You would
have no anxieties, probably. You'd have.
No. You could stream every day and
just be like. La.
La La. Yeah, man.
Just have have a click start streaming for you and yeah, you
you can still play the games you play.
You can play League of Legends. You think Terry Schiavo is on
SSR is I don't think so. You think you think a house
plants on SSRISI don't think so. You know, if you bring your your
cognitive level down, I think it opens up a whole lot of
possibilities for contentment. I think whippets could be a
quick path too. I've seen a lot of people do too
many whippets and it can kind of fry them in a good way where
they seem very content. Yeah, my, my dad used to be very
neurotic and then he started doing whippets.
He doesn't seem to have a care in the world.
Now he's just chilling. Cool voice, yeah.
Chill vibes. Just chill over all vibes.
Yeah. It it can.
Let's say you have more weed, more whippets.
Yeah, putting stuff up your nose and trying to touch your brain.
And I need to figure out what's going on with my eyeballs.
Why are they? Weep.
You need to figure that. Out.
I think it's a Florida thing. The whole time I was in
Colorado, no eyeball weep. My eyeballs were moist and that
was 6000 feet higher in elevation.
I think you need less family time.
Yeah, more streaming. Yep, and your eyes will fix
themselves. Yeah.
What about you? Do you think it's probably?
The lights. Do you have any?
The big ass lights. Resolutions, yeah.
I have any in here's resolutions.
Or like or like an idealized self.
You have like somebody that you're like, that's the cool
poop. And I want to become him.
I mean, a toothpick would I feel like is something I've always
wanted to try. Maybe like a long piece of
wheat? Yeah, I'm wearing my hat
backwards on occasion. The other day I was doing some
housework and I tried it but got too nervous even I was alone and
it just felt not me. And also you can see I don't
let's just go ahead and acknowledge why it really.
You can see that I'm kind of buckling on final strap when you
wear it backwards, whereas front ways you can cover it with some
hair and people don't really look at it as much.
But when you have it on your forehead, they, you know, they
might say something like, hey man, are you on last, last
buckle? And it's kind of tugging and
making it go diagonal because of how stressed it is.
Not only that, but for me, if I put it on backwards, the you can
see how far back the hairline goes.
And at the very top of that little window, you'll just see
like the beginnings of my hairline, which.
Is what about a backwards hat with a window that's only this
big? Yeah, I think we've talked about
this, haven't we talked about putting fringe like fake hair in
that little window? New year, I want to repeat more
ideas, I think. Or maybe a huge window where you
can see it all and you're not ashamed.
I is sitting, you know, I think, with a hat.
Backwards is cool until you go to sit down and lean your head
back on something and then it immediately just pops your head
up and you look like an idiot. I you know, I think every year
around this time you get a good day or two where you're like, I
am going to be that man. And, you know, I want to like
the man in the mirror and I want to make something I'm proud of.
And I want to get, you know, it's like I want to do the
things that I used to do that made me really happy.
And then, I don't know, then I started eating cereal twice a
day and Chex mix for lunch and my body started failing me.
And I haven't worked out. And how long it's been 8 days
into the new year I I've been staying up too late playing
Total War. Started.
Watching Smallville for some reason.
If I could interrupt here for a second, the the workout thing,
there's actually a science to it, OK?
Because you see, right now there's droves of people that
start out in January and go like new year, new me, I'm going to
start working out January 1st, boom, I'm going to start working
out. And then they fail.
And I feel like if you do that, inevitably when you do fail,
you're going to feel like you're it's, it's baked in, the
failures baked in. You don't have to commit.
Quitting's a hard habit to break, and so that's from
Smallville. I'm a.
Luther said that to Lex Luther. Is I'm.
I'm going to start, I'm, I also want to start working out in the
new year, but I'm not going to start January 1st because that's
when the quitters start. OK.
I want to, I want to start working out for the long haul.
So I'm casually going to start getting into it later in the
year. Yeah, but it's a hard set, not a
hard set date that I'm going to start.
It's just hard set that I'm going to do it in the future.
And that way there's no baked in in date and I don't get made fun
of when I inevitably do fail. You know what I mean?
I. Think that's a great idea and.
People are just. Procrastinating, so I would love
to. You want to join?
Do you want to get on this fitness journey with me?
It's a marathon, not a race. Hassles.
Yeah, I'm starting my journey probably around some.
Point Summer. Yeah, some point.
Not January 1st. That's when the fucking quitters
start, OK? Yeah, I, I.
I'm starting this shit, I couldn't take it.
You start January 1st, you go to that packed gym, it's a
nightmare. Yeah, it's a nightmare and
people are just waiting. They're mocking you as you leave
the gym. They're going.
I bet you I won't see that fucker again.
New membership? Yeah, I'll see you next month.
But nobody makes fun of a new member in March.
No, no. Just say welcome to the winter's
club. You get to use the secret gym
underneath the regular one. Where the weights are even
lighter. Yeah, which is awesome.
Late, the weights are all made of foam and it looks like you're
lifting a shit ton. I I just need to like I just
live a stagnant lifestyle. You know, I need to, I just I
got to, I have a bike. I need to start doing that
again, But it's like I don't even really care to be super
strong or anything. I just, I'm getting older and I
want to be able to, I want to still be able to like hop around
for a while or you know, I like, not that I like skip around or
anything, but I like, you know, if I need to, if I'm imagining
the floor is lava or something that I could hop to a little
area or yeah, it's hard to explain, but no, no, I want to
stay agile. I I know exactly what you're
talking about. For a couple more years.
I was playing Dark Souls with Bizzle and I did.
I got the the forest ring or whatever.
The one that lets you do a backward somersault.
And I remember I was so taken aback by something Bissell said.
I did a backwards somersault to create conversational space.
Yeah. And I said, I wish I could do
that in real life. That would be so funny.
And he said, Sam, I think you're backwards.
Handspring days are behind you. I said I.
Just motivate you though. Yeah, that did that kind of put
a fire under me. I was like, who the fuck are you
to say I can't do a backwards handspring?
OK. So I'm thinking about I might
not January 1st, you know, but later in the year I might start
January. First doing mental like
preparation. Put my hands here.
What might it feel like to be upside down for a split second
that I start the mental could. Lean really far back in your
chair and be like OK, this is probably about 1/4 of how far
back. I could pull out my teeter hang
ups for my my inversion table for my sciatica.
I could pull that out and get the feel of being upside down
for a while. Familiarizing yourself with this
new world where up is down and down is up.
Yeah, I I think people doubting you is a great motivator.
So guys, if you could comment down below how fat and stupid we
are and maybe our content sucks, I think that would really just
help. I think the two things that
motivate me are it's not even that though 'cause that will
actually just destroy me. If you if you comment that,
it'll actually really sting. In it I've gotten calls for a
poop where you're just like, have you checked the Patreon
that? That could really put a but if
you but if you know me in my personal life, that can you know
if a friend doubts me, it might make me want to go fuck you.
Well, I can do a backhand spring or deadlines, which we don't
have it all. The deadlines are always my
biggest motivator in life 'cause I put I push off, I push off
boom, night before blast through it, get it done.
Such a thrill. So if you guys could comment
down below deadlines, not January or you know, not
February or March, but like, hey, by Midsummer, maybe five
more giggles per episode, something like that, where it's
like, oh, holy shit, I got I got some time, but not all the time,
not all the time in the world. Yeah.
I'm not. Or maybe we could try positive
reinforcement? I mean I.
Don't know what I need. I think I need pills or
something and. Pills help.
Pills always help every. That should be a That should be
our fucking resolution. Get more pills.
Yeah, I if anybody has a pill hookup, don't care what it is.
Yeah. I just am curious to try some
out. I like the college 20 years.
It's like candy with effects. I have always wanted one of
those little pill, like here's a calendar, like each day takes
some yeah, I would like to get into that and I'd like them to
have different effects each day. Like it's not the same pill
every day. It's like on Monday I'm super,
super motivated. On Tuesday I'm like super out of
it. And then we have the psychotic.
Yeah, that turn you psychotics. And then the next day,
antipsychotics. To bring you back after.
Maybe back to psychotics? Yeah, I don't know, Just I think
I would like to experience something out of the normal.
I think that would be probably a good way of shaking things up,
probably keeping us nimble. I want to try crack.
I want to try. I want to try doctor pills.
I want to try St. pills. On my hunt for new substances, I
did get a new substance. It's Remember when I was talking
to you about snuff? Yeah, I did.
I found apparently the only genuine good manufacturer of
snuff. It's called Mcchrystals.
Mcchrystals snuff. It's a tobacco product and it's
basically like it's just ground up tobacco, Yeah.
It looks like coffee. Yeah, it does.
You know what? Remarkably similar to Schneeberg
in terms of it's like menthol nose feel?
Yeah, nose feel. It goes in there and it's it
might be more menthol Y than Schneeberg, which is weird
because that's like pure menthol.
I don't know how they did it. Have you been enjoying it?
No. I what's what's with me?
I I have like drug seeking behavior and then I don't enjoy
any of it. They should.
Have a pill that times I should.
Get just a pill that makes you sober.
I'd probably enjoy the fuck out of that.
I should give your blood to junkies or something like help
them out. None of this.
It makes me feel better. I don't like any of these drugs
when at a few there's a point where you'd break.
Yeah, probably. If I did anything really hard,
I'm. I'm just trying out weird stuff.
I don't try out any hard stuff. Oh, my aunt's been.
A New Year's resolution. Yeah, when I was in Colorado, I
still, I stayed in a place called Golden, Golden, Co.
It's West of Denver. There was the course factory
right there. Big ass smokestacks.
They're making it in big barrels.
Course like beer. Yeah, course, the Coors beer.
Yeah, the brewery, it was right there in the middle of Golden.
And they even have a tunnel where you kind of drive under
the factory and under a mountain in order to go buy it because
it's gotten so big. But I was looking at that place
and I was like, I really should have brought my mom's ashes here
and spread them right there. Yeah, right there at the
factory. The tunnel and the factory.
Well, they have the. Giant like beer can, that's like
a statue and I think she would have loved to fucking hang out
at the base of that. I bet too, like on some of those
tours I bet you can see like here's where we mix it all in,
in a big VAT you could like. Like Shawshank Redemption, like
I I dump her ashes out of my pants leg like I'm shaking out a
turd. I would.
Try to get it in the beer, yeah? Well, I'm assuming I'm on a
platform above it. Of course.
Yeah, of course. They're going to bring us up to
the top so we can look down and spit down into it and stuff.
Throw pennies in there. Throw dead mothers in it.
Yeah. Oh my God, what was in?
That was the best course batch we've ever made.
Some sort of super beer? Well, first we take a woman that
drank exclusively. Beer for like 40 years.
And we condensed her down to her very essence.
Dust, beer. Dust.
Essence. Yeah, we dart crystals after
essence out into a vial and then we reintroduced.
It into the. Hops beers bobbling and turning
green. The hops are incredible.
The fuck even are hops? I don't.
I've noticed that whenever
somebody. Three years.
I'm like, I don't even know what the hell.
Whenever a like a bartender, like a menu says like a hoppy
flavour, I'm like, this is going to taste like shit.
That's. What?
It's like a cricket. Yeah, it.
Tastes like, I don't know, it's just bad.
It's just bad vibes. Yeah, especially Doo Doo Ranger.
That beer fucking sucks. I do.
I swear to God, I don't know where Voodoo Ranger is
manufactured, but I think I drove by the the plant for it.
There's a lot of breweries up there.
And I was, if it was the Voodoo Ranger, like manufacturing
plant, I was going to get out and take a picture in front of
it, like doing something. That'd be like my version of
your video in front of Columbine.
Yeah, I can't keep getting away with this.
But no, I've got no hard feelings so.
By the way, that Columbine thing, I, I went out to Colorado
guys, cuz I'm trying to find an escape to Florida.
I'm trying to get out and Florida, yeah, from Florida to
Colorado. And so I was in Denver cuz
everybody's like, oh, Denver's a great mountain town.
It's not. It's in a big field first.
Of all good, I told you that before you went, I said it's.
Flat. It's you're right by it.
Yeah, you're by it. You see the mountains, but none
of that mountain joy is there in in Denver.
What you want to do if you want a mountain town, you go down to
Colorado Springs. That's S an hour and a half.
Much better. Also, Castle Rock seems pretty
mountainous too. I might be moving there.
Glenwooden Springs. I don't know if I worry.
Mountainous. I don't know if I went there.
I think you would have, I think it's WW Denver.
OK, yeah, beautiful. I did go to Evergreen.
Evergreen is very beautiful as well, but not enough like I want
a house and then also like a grocery store I can go to
because I like eating food. Call me crazy, but in Denver,
like we're out there looking at places, looking at
neighborhoods. Every fucking neighborhood is
the exact same. Just these rows and rows of like
houses that look identical, these weird like insulated
little bubble communities. And I remember just being at
this, we went to this park, big playground and everything, and
all the kids were playing there and every every direction you
look, it's just you're out in the middle of a field.
You just see like just the same house, but just duplicated
cookie cutter everywhere, everywhere in every direction.
And I was sitting there eating my ice cream and I look over and
I see that Columbine High School and I go, I see what's
different. I see why they.
Get it? Yeah, I.
I would think I'm in some sort of like Truman Show hell if I
grew up here. But it's the town planner's
fault, yeah. The civic engineers, they're the
reason. Mid century modern around here.
You know what it actually did add an extra light to that
massacre because like, have you seen the pictures of, of what
were their names, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold?
Like have you seen them with their trench coats and stuff on?
Yeah. They first of all, like dorks,
like you could tell like straight up dorks from those
pictures. But standing in the place where
they did that, I was like, it's it's like a beautiful field and
sun shining and everything. I'm like, imagine being a guy in
a trench coat out here. Like that's just, it's even
worse. Like, yeah, wrong environment
for it. You know, it would be like
wearing that outfit like in Hawaii on the beach, like you're
just, you're going to stand out and be kind of like.
Little House on the Prairie. Yeah.
It's old enough with the. It's just the wrong lies, dude.
They how did they not clock those guys from a mile away and
be like those guys are going to be a problem.
They should have known. Yeah, it's the fashion police's
fault, I think, for not noticing.
The fashionistas at school should have clocked them the
moment they walked in with them drenched they.
Probably. They probably were like.
A freak and. Then yeah, they were probably
oh. You brought something we can
give you a super wedgie with. Hang him by his trench coat.
Probably not helping, but also on the right track.
Give him a wedgie from a flagpole from a strange.
Out it. Is just like AI don't know it
like Denver. It's not my neighborhood vibe,
but like everybody's just like, yeah, we're in Denver.
Like, it's so forcibly happy. It's insane to be that that kind
of. Made you sick?
Yeah, it. Was so saccharine.
Yeah, it made me sick. It was too sweet.
Too sweet. So you're looking for a little
bit more of a evil vibe? Well who the fuck wants to move
next to the mountains and not see a tree anywhere around?
Like there was not a single tree in Denver as far as I could
tell. I've only been there like one
time and it was to get on a train to go further in.
But yeah, I remember being like, why is it so brown?
Yeah, it's just it's a big feel it.
Was not, yeah, it was not pretty.
Like what, when people talk about like, I, I'm moving to
Denver to get to the like, yeah, you kind of have an idea of what
Denver's going to be. And it is, it ain't, it ain't
what it look like. No, I don't tell you that much.
No, what you're imagining is Colorado Springs.
Yeah, Colorado Springs is awesome.
Very cool. Where's like Vale?
You always hear about Vale from movies like.
Northwest of Denver, but. Like way West, where the elites
go, Yeah. Way.
Way like is it just like cooler or is it just better skiing or?
It's. Just ritzy or?
From what I get, there's the mountains you see from Denver,
and then as you get further into the mountains, there's a more
peaks that go up further and further as you get deeper in.
And Vail is like deep, deep in there.
Thanks. Oh, hey, honey, I'm in the
middle of working right now. This is the first episode of the
year and Madeline's trying to get in here.
Oh. Wait shit.
I also just remember my girlfriend came home early
because she's doing a telehealth.
Oh. Shit.
Get out. Yeah.
Well, that's great, because I was going to scream.
OK, I found out I did not know how veil was spelled.
But when I look at it, it looks, I mean, these are probably, you
know, Google Images. They've shown you the best.
The best? Yeah.
It looks like a whimsical Christmas town.
It is, yeah. It.
Looks beautiful. It is.
It's very pretty up there. I haven't been, I've just looked
at images, but yeah. They're a little bit.
Beyond my price point, I believe.
Now what happens when I look up Denver Google, which is?
So Cruff, Yeah. There are some trees.
They're few and far between. Yeah, I guess you couldn't build
a city that big in the in the mountains so.
No, I I get it. But yeah, also what the fuck is
with the the real estate out there is insane.
What do you mean like price? Yeah, price point.
You can't get a fucking house for under a million out there.
That's going to be one of the last standing shades.
Yeah. When the water rises, when your
old home is wiped in the face of the Earth, Yeah.
Indiana and Colorado will survive Indiana.
I think the four people that live in the Dakotas are probably
going to be all right, too. Yeah, they'll be fine.
But. They're old missile silos and
shed. Yeah, yeah.
I, I don't know, I, I think I'll probably just live and die here.
And it's a really sad thought, but new year, new me, I think
the man I want to be, I'm going to live in a better state of
mind, not a better state physically.
You know, most people have to live with that.
Yeah, most people do get the pick.
Where you're born, Yeah. Where your family all lives in
the guilt that they give you for you say, I think I want to live
somewhere else for a little bit. And they all go, Jim, you can't
leave us. You can't leave us.
You know, I'm getting a little bit of that from Abby's family.
And let me tell you something after being.
Womp womp. After being like in Colorado
with the kids for a week, one of the first things we did was we
came back and we're like, do you want to go stay at grandma's
house? And like the having the freedom
to just go like just throw them out of the house and go send
them to the grandparents. That's insane.
That's so good. And I realized in Colorado I'm
not going to have that. I'm going to have to find like a
you want. To go to the neighbour's house.
I'm going to have to get no, I don't trust the neighbors.
I'm going to have to get like a like whatever they put fry in
and Futurama to freeze them for 1000 years.
Get like a little freezer or something for them.
Your mother and I aren't done partying yet.
We're going to. 1st we want our 20s back getting the tube.
We just got into skiing and it's very expensive and we cannot
bring four people. Oh, dude, all the people showing
up at the airport were getting out with these.
They're a baggage claim, getting these long, like things like big
duffels that were like 10 feet long.
I'm like, what the hell are those?
And I realized they're all going to go skiing.
They're going, yeah. It didn't fucking snow at all
while we were there. And you can see most of like
when we were down in Colorado Springs, we could see Pikes
Peak, which is like the closest ski resort that most people go
to. No snow on the mountain at all.
Like we went up to Echo Mountain to see if we could do echo
tubing. And the guy was just like, we're
all booked up. And he was like, first of all,
when we walked up, he's like, before you even ask, the slopes
are closed. Like we don't have any lanes
open for skiing or snowboarding. And I'm like, oh, I'm here for,
for like sledding. And he's like all booked up
unless you have a reservation. I'm like, fuck.
Because we had promised the kids, hey, we're going like last
year we're we went up to Boone, NC and we're like, we'll show
you some snow. Never saw any snow.
And then this year we're like, we'll go to Denver.
Like there has to be snow up in the Rockies.
If you looked at like TikTok last week, it was just people
going like, what the fuck is I'm on a skiing vacation right now.
No snow. Where is it?
Yeah, there's videos of people going up ski lifts and it's just
grass under their feet. There's no.
Even scarier to fall out of, yeah.
There's no snow and we did end up, we went to a place called
Big R, which is like a Tractor Supply Company.
Were you the mayor of it? Yeah, In my family homeland, we
make our town. It's like a Tractor Supply
Company type place and we went in there and found like a little
sled for like 20 bucks and we found a golf course that was in
the shade in Evergreen, Co and it had just the slightest hill
that had like 1/4 inch of of snow dusting that hadn't melted
off yet. That's like a Florida foot.
Yeah, and we, I looked at it and there were signs everywhere that
said do not use this place for winter activities.
And I said I travelled across the fucking United States of
America to give my kids some snow.
I'm going to, we're going to go up there so Madeline can read.
And she's like the sign says we can't.
I was like, listen here, sometimes you just got to not be
a fucking pussy and not listen to the rules.
Bless you. So bless you, dude.
You got a fourth one. You look like Batman right now.
You got your. I'm sorry.
Gone. Yeah, you told your daughter.
I'm a partnered streamer and a podcaster.
You can do whatever the hell we want.
So we ignored the signs and Madeline got to ride down the
hill once, then Olivia got on it, rode down it once, and then
immediately a park Ranger shows up and goes.
He got out of his car. You.
Don't get out of here. He got out of his car.
And it's so funny being like mid 30s now because all the people
in authority positions are the same age as me, you know?
Yeah. And so he gets out and he's just
like my age, which is weird to see.
Somewhat like a park Ranger. And I and of, you know, I didn't
want to be a problem. So I walked up to him, like my
shoulders slumped and everything.
I was like, you're going to make us leave, aren't you?
And he was like. I can't wait.
He. Was like, yeah, wait, you got
to, you got to leave. This is a golf course.
They don't want it all torn up. And I was like, do you know of
any other places with snow? And he's like, that's what makes
us so hard is that I haven't seen a flake of snow anywhere
else except for on this one golf course that you're not allowed
to use. And so I the last ride that my
kids got to do was get in the sled and then I pull it back to
the car. Yeah, that's sad.
So they rode for about 20 feet each.
New year, same ads, you want to eat better but you have zero
time and 0 energy to make it happen.
If only there was somebody that could remove the entire problem
factor. 2 minutes real human food done ready for eating.
I realized in the new year I'm probably not going to be cooking
healthy meals. It's because there's a podcaster
and streamer. The one thing I don't have is
time. You're not failing it, you know,
eating healthy. You're feeling it.
Having three extra hours every night.
Factory solves that, that problem.
Put that in your food equation. What's inside?
Lean proteins, colorful vegetables, whole food
ingredients, healthy fats, the stuff you'd make if you had.
Oh, but the thyme. It's healthy dietitian approved
meals that they're never frozen, they're always fresh, they're
ready to eat in 2 minutes. No prep, no clean up, no mental
load. If I had needed this product,
it's what I'd use. And that's a fact.
Turd. Head to factormeals.com/forehead
50 OFF and use code FOREHEAD 50 OFF to get 50% off your first
Factor box plus free breakfast for one year.
Offer only valid for new factor customers with code and
qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase.
Make healthier. Eating easy with factor.
Dude you know I said I tweaked my neck really bad last night.
Those sneezes. Reacted like.
Well, it wasn't even. It was never that bad.
I didn't realize it could have got so much worse.
Those sneezes have basically put my neck into a stage of a
paralysis. I can't.
I can't move this. Is nothing but solidify our
previous thoughts of like imagine if you had started
working out this week. I might need that fucking neck
brace dude. Oh my God, I, I feel I, I can't
tilt it. Yeah, imagine if you had started
at the gym January 1st right now you would you would probably be
in a fucking wheelchair or something.
Kink in your neck plus being all body source.
Oh, this is. Yeah, it's the.
Worst one I've I hate neck kinks.
What, like getting them socked? No, not like that.
Like I don't like you know, this happens every once in a while
because of my stagnant lifestyle.
And then you just, you can't do anything.
Anyway, it's enough complaining about my neck.
I'm sure it'll get better soon. But you know, they make
something that you, you put it around your neck, around your
head, and it has a rope that goes up to the ceiling.
Oh my, genuinely would probably feel good.
And the trick is you don't kill yourself with it.
The trick is you just. You just do enough that it.
We don't jump off a. Chair, don't jump off a chair,
yeah. You just like slowly sit into.
It Yep, I and I have one and I use it on the bathroom door.
I, I hang it up over the edge of the bathroom door and while
you're decompressing your spine and everything you could like
do. If David Carradine had one of
these, he'd still be alive. It's it's so safe.
Know who that? Is that's he killed himself
hanging himself while he was jacking off.
OK, yeah, that answers everything.
He's the guy that plays Bill and Kill Bill that.
Guy killed himself jerking off. Yeah.
Whoa, yeah, I did not know that. Yeah.
You know a lot. Yeah, I remember he, like the
police were like trying to figure out if it was like that
there was foul play and his ex-wife stepped in and was just
like, he does that. And so I mean it.
Was it was an accident? Yeah, so he wait.
His pants were around his ankles, hanging in the closet.
Yep, he does that. Asphyxiation, jerk off stuff.
Yeah, that's what Ed Gein did. I from that, I watched some of
that Ed Gein show. I guess he did that kind of
stuff too. That's crazy.
Yeah, that guy was more. Psychopath.
He was more like, I don't know, he was like a, like a Forrest
Gump psycho, you know? He was like Lenny for mice and
men. If yeah, he like, that's scary.
He's also a sex. What's scarier to you?
Like a Hannibal Lecter, like a hyper intelligent psycho, or
like Forrest Gump psycho? You know it.
Depends completely on proximity. OK, how far away are you from
me? They're both.
Equal distance. They're both 15 feet away and
they're wanting to have a conversation with you, and you
don't know if in the course of this conversation you're going
to get on their bad side. It's hard because I'd have to
then think which side am I closer to, who can I reason with
more? And it's harder middle ground
that I would like to admit. I don't know if I'm those sort
of genius or Lenny. I think I'd prefer.
Oh fuck, I don't know, that's hard.
Maybe Lenny. Maybe Lenny type?
Especially if you had like a candy bar or something in your
pocket, you know, something you'd give them.
I feel like, yeah, you could just be like, well, I sold a
bunch of a ton of puppies back over that way where you're over
there and Hannibal Lecter. I'd have to just be like, OK,
just do your big ass monologue, man.
Are you going to kill me or not? What's going on here?
Don't. Don't do the thing where you
feed me my brain while I'm still alive.
Do the thing where you like kill me in one hit and then eat me
and serve me to a party. Unless it's Anthony Hopkins.
Exact Hannibal. Actually no, I just.
I just tore every muscle in my neck sneezing.
I was going to say I could take him, but I'm not losing
confidence every day. Have you seen Red Dragon with
Edward Norton? No.
No, I haven't. You need to watch that because
there's a lot of menace to Hannibal Lecter with his, with
his intelligence, with his demeanor.
He's kind of the way he like talks to you.
He's like, especially when he's talking to Clarice, he's almost
like a like a cat or something. He's like prowling left and
right. It's very odd.
And then in Red Dragon, they give him a little weird
ponytail, which takes away 90% of his menace.
You know, if someone's trying to be intimidating, but they're
bald on top and then have a little ponytail.
Making little loops with their fingers.
While he's thinking, make me pontificate while I flip my.
Little. My Little Ponytail, Yeah.
I wish you would take. I wish you would take that thing
out. If you took it out, you'd look
like Ben Franklin. Ben Franklin Psycho would be
fucking scary. Even geek created electricity,
he created lightning or something, and that's scary.
Imagine if Ben Franklin was a psycho.
He'd create electricity to shock his balls.
Finally, I have something to properly shock my balls.
If I tie the kite string around my throat and then I get
electrocute, I put the key in between my balls.
If I tape these keys to my nuts. Wear my metal chastity belt.
Tie the kite around my throat and then like hold on to a
monkey bars. To go to a blacksmith to make
BDSM gear like forge this cage? What are you trying to cage like
a little mouse? Or something.
I'm a fucking founding father. You don't question what you're
forging for me. It's like the new Liberty Bell.
We're making a prototype Liberty Bell that's like can fit around
my balls and penis. There's a Liberty Bell of leg
holes in it. If you put the Liberty Bell
upside down and put leg holes in it, that would be a great, great
shock belt for your Wiener stuff.
I wouldn't, I wouldn't stand in front of a founding father.
Dude, tell him now. Yeah, Well, actually I think the
the blacksmith would be probably out of the realm of politics.
So he'd be like, are you the president?
Ben Franklin would be like, no, are you like a senator or
something? No, because like what?
I don't think Ben Franklin ever had a position in politics, did
he? But.
He just like there, he was just like an overall vibe.
Didn't he? Absolutely.
Or am I crazy? It's crazy because I used to
know everything about all these people.
Ambassador to France I think was his main thing in the the the
Continental Congress. He was a member of the
Continental Congress and he was an ambassador to France or a
diplomat or something. But he was never something.
Wrong with me right now. Dude, I don't know what the hell
is going on. I just googled Billiam Franklin.
I think I was thinking in my head a billion dollar bill would
be funny. And I looked at Billiam Benjamin
Franklin. Let's see.
Yeah, he's just. I guess a diplomat was his most.
That rocks. Oh, he's also a polymath.
That's not a political. That was interesting.
I'm a fucking founding father. I'm a polymath dude, yeah.
I, I was, I think there's Challenger on League of Legends.
I think there's like some of the people, some of the founding
fathers were just like merchants, but basically
smugglers, which is kind of cool.
I think like Samuel Adams or like John Hancock, like one of
them was one of them was just not really a political guy, but
was more like, I'm here because I bring in a lot of money, don't
ask me how. And he just threw a lot of
weight on, which is pretty awesome.
Yep, John Hancock was a wealthy merchant and prominent patriot.
I thought he was also the third governor of the Commonwealth of
Massachusetts. Really.
I, I was going through when I was cleaning, I cleaned my
garage before my, I had, I had a New Year's party and then hosted
for my friend's bachelor thing I was talking about.
I had like 14 people stay at my house for three days, which was
very ambitious. 1 bathroom for 14 disgusting dudes.
There was like a poop cue going into it and it was a nightmare.
Now technically it's a 2 bathroom house.
But I wasn't sewer or do you have a like a?
Yeah, I'm a sewer. OK.
I'm a sewer, so that helped. But the smell, there's not too
much to be done when somebody's pooping, then the guy's going,
I'm on deck, and then the next guy goes and the next guy, it
was pretty gross. Yeah, probably smelled like an
airport bathroom, just like at. One point a drunk, drunk friend
knocked over my shelf of hot toys.
And it's hard as a grown ass man to seem like you're not
incredibly upset that a bunch of your action figures fell to the
ground and like you don't want to ruin the vibe because
everyone's having a good time and partying and hanging out.
But when I saw, I just looked at the shelf and they were all put
up wrong and on like different shelves and like they had the
wrong attachments. So I was like, what the hell
happened here? My friend's like, oh sorry man,
I knocked them all over, but I think they're fine.
I saw General Grievous's helmet. Part of it had broken off.
It took every ounce of my power to not like, grab them by the
lapels. Yeah.
I'd be like, what have you done? What have you?
Do you know how expensive these toys are?
And I was just like, oh, like eye twitching.
Like, it's it's fine. And he's like, oh, cool.
Thanks, man. No, sorry, really.
And then the next day he was like, hey, man, like, thanks for
not getting upset about that. Like, I know they're like nice
toys, but you know, they're just toys or whatever.
I almost grabbed my fucking guns.
I was like. I like those follow up.
The follow up of hey dude, I just want to say thanks for not
getting mad. Which means he dwelled on it and
knew that this meant a lot to you and then further.
Still no real apology. But.
Then further follows it up with they are just toys.
Yeah, yeah, I also, a lot of my friends do very actively try to
rage bait. So there could have been a real
effort in there to to see how close to exploding I was.
How close were you it? Was close.
I was very close. To you, You're edging on
exploding. 15 minutes after that, my friend Cash tried to
sit down on the ground and just fell into one of my end tables
and knocked over a picture and two more Hot Toys.
And I was just like, why? He's like, oh, I'm sorry, man.
I was just trying to sit down. I'm like going on in a chair on
the ground in front of this. And it was just hard to, when
you're playing the host, it's like, I ain't guys.
I'm your friend. I'm here having fun with you.
I'm also going in every room as soon as you leave it and picking
up after you and making sure you didn't fuck with any of my stuff
'cause this is not a, this is not a party home.
I thought we were adults Now, you know, I thought we were
going to sit around, maybe play with some toys, maybe play some
PlayStation. You know, these guys come in
with their racks and Addy light and stuff and I'm like.
What are you kids this? House isn't a quit for this,
yeah. Yeah, what are you?
I thought we were growing up. Grow the hell up.
You look at the toys, you don't touch them, OK?
You admire them. You can compliment.
Them maybe, maybe if you have a a cool pose, you might pose one,
but. If you wear gloves, you may you
may stroke them with. Your Mickey Mouse gloves on.
Yeah, you'll never get a full idea of the texture through the
glove, but you can touch them. Yeah, boy, the hand oils mess up
the paint. Yeah, you can't.
They're I've already put them in their optimal poses.
You're not going to pose them better than their set up right
now. So there's not even a point in
trying. And I will not listen to a
second opinion. But yeah, that was, I was
cleaning the garage. I forgot where this was going.
I found a bunch of just like old childhood stuff that, you know,
my parents have given me in boxes and I just have like from
all these like history day competitions and stuff like my
speeches and little meaningless awards and stuff.
I'm like, I used to just know so much about the founding of
America and could like in depth talk about every single
amendment and everything and that's like I got no goddamn
idea. I mean, that's kind of like most
of school, but this was like more important to me at a time
than like regular classes and like, you know, I thought it
would be like AI don't know, like historian one day or
something when I was going through these and then just
looking at them now I'm like, I don't even know what the hell
this little guy's talking about writing these.
Like I don't it's me, but I'm like, what the fuck are you
talking about, dude? I I don't think that's right.
It is, but it's just sad. Like how much you know, you
forget about the you know, you got to use it.
You got to you got to recap a lot.
And I think I've switched out all of my like important history
memory with like like prime poses for my toys and stuff and
like. Well, I think.
Like what it had? Passed is, you know, that's the
entire story arc of of Uncle Rico's.
You can't live in the past, you know, so forget all that
history. I used to.
Be able to throw a history buck over the mountain.
Yeah. And used to be able to read a
book. 1/4 mile I used to be able to read a.
Book a quarter mile. Dude, you don't need any of that
shit you need. What you need is practical stuff
that will help you in the future.
Fill those. I didn't fill it with that.
That was the thing, but. Posing action figures, that's
something that you could do for. Generation.
I lifted up the back of the toilet and I noticed a little
hose thing looked like it should have gone inside of this other
part and I put it in there and the toilet stopped making as
much noise. That's, oh, that's like posing a
part of your house. I felt like a little Mario.
It was awesome. If your if your house was an
action figure, you would have just posed it into the right
position. It would have been like, yeah,
that's actually yeah. That's actually the younger You
would have opened up the tank and, like, read it.
A story about the War of 1812. Yeah, the work, you know, but
you're a man now. She was just a wealthy merchant.
It was never anything in government, but now I'm a man.
And now I'm going to, yeah, I'm going to start looking at my
house like a big toy. The furnace is like the blaster
dude. Sometimes I just go in the
basement and look at the furnace and I'm just like, oh, like, I
don't know what the fuck any of this stuff is.
And they like, I'm going to have to replace it at some.
I mean, obviously I'll just have to buy a new, like I'll pay
somebody to do it, I guess. But I have like a sump pit
sometimes just gross stuff's in there.
I'm like, do I just, I've poked it with a stick before round in
there and dredged it up and I'm like, I don't know what the hell
I'm doing. I don't know what any of this
stuff is. Just a great opportunity to
learn. Maybe that'll be one of my New
Year's resolutions is to become a proper homeowner.
I. Think it's really important that
you start small and figure out how a sump pump works and figure
out because that's the first thing that you're going to have
that's like a panic When that stops working, it's going to
become a panic and you're going to go I.
Might be. I knew how to.
I knew how to work on this. I did.
I fixed up that whole basement room for like a week straight
and made it really cozy and put a bunch of cool stuff in there
and see chums. Like I wouldn't have done that.
That whole place is going to flood one day and ruin
everything. I was like, I'm sure it's fine
and you know, it's a what one 100 year flood?
I just have to get out of here before it's been 100 years and
I'm fine. And he's like, I did the same
thing. Like I made my basement all cozy
and then it flooded and destroyed everything and I would
have everything off the ground and I was like, I'm tired, man.
I can't what are you am I supposed to put my rug on a how
do I get my rug off the ground? How do I get the?
I got to put everything on like little boxes.
Well. I don't have the ability for.
That dude I got, I got all my stuff in the basement.
Everything I own's on wheels. So worst comes to.
Worst the door right next so you can just open up and sweep.
All the water out here, yeah. I did buy a shop vac once and
it's just gone. It's just gone for good.
I don't know where it is. Yeah, I just, I bought 1.
I had it in my last garage and it's just.
What the fuck, dude? I can't find it.
It's a Craftsman, too. Yes.
That's that actually pisses me off like more than anything is
when I know I've bought something and especially like a
tool and then I go looking for it and I go, where the fuck did
that thing go? And then I start getting angry
because like I have a ladder. I know I have a ladder.
And that's a big thing. To misplace my my brother has
the ladder. Oh, still.
It's that ladder. It's that ladder.
And he goes, no, this is my ladder.
Because I remember like couple years ago I dropped some like
roofing cement or something on it and it's still on the rungs.
And I'm like, I think you dropped that shit on my ladder.
And then you just go like, Oh yeah, this is my ladder that I
borrowed last time and never. He's had it for like 5 years.
I remember I broke a bunch of it and got shit all over it.
But in reality, you know what's crazy is that this is this is
weird because like the, the synapses are firing and my mind
is opening up. I can feel it.
It's not even my ladder and it's not his ladder.
It was my grandfather's ladder and my grandfather's dead now,
so. But I think it should go to the
youngest grandson. Don't you feel like that's where
the ladder should go is to the youngest grandson?
Yeah, I didn't get anything for my grandpa.
My little brother got his watch and I was like, this guy barely
even knew him. He gets his cool watch and what
the hell? So I think following that
tradition, youngest should get, 'cause it's, you know what I
have that's worth more than a watch?
Memories. Yeah, and the young, the young
that's. What Zach has.
Zach knew him from before he had his debilitating stroke.
I only knew him. He had a a horrific stroke.
He. Knew him, his ladder guy.
He had a horrible stroke in like the mid 90s and that this was
during the glory days when you can go to your doctor and go
like, I want speed and they would go, OK, I want opiates.
You got it boss. Like they would just give you
whatever you ask. I would suggest not stroking
with speed, but with technique. But this?
This is like jerking off. Obviously your grandpa jerked
off in the 90s Wrong. He got, he got speed and he had
a, he ended up having a stroke because of it.
And they were like, are you on any medication?
And he's like, yeah, I'm on this.
And they were like, they still give you that.
And he's like, my doctor does. And actually it almost took away
his, his license, I think the doctor's license because he was
giving him something that he shouldn't have.
But yeah, then after that he had a, a completely different
personality shift. And everybody always told me
they were like, he's a lot different now than what he used
to be. And I only knew him as like post
stroke grandpa. And you know, he had that.
He had post stroke. Clarity.
Yeah, I thought he was actually very chill.
Much. More I thought he.
Was measured. I thought he was chill.
No, he had a different type of post stroke clarity that was
apparently angry stroke rage. God damn it, why did I have to
jerk off? Apparently it just didn't hit
the way it should have. Been retention for so long
broke. Yeah.
Oh my, cool and calm just shot out of my body.
Apparently he was different but I only knew him as post stroke
grandpa. Yeah.
So I feel like I should get the ladder and because my my brother
experienced both sides, he he experienced the the pain, dark
serenity and then he experienced the the post stroke rage.
Expulsion of good, All that is good in him, Yeah.
Spelled from his core. Yeah.
I think you should at least get
a goddamn ladder. I think so out of it.
I I, I one of the saddest things that, like, when I was a kid, I
thought it was funny, was I was learning how to write and like,
remember, they would teach us what's that called cursive in
school. Yeah.
And so I. Still use cursive.
I was, yeah, they were teaching us how to write and stuff.
And I was getting better at it. And I remember I I would
practice it with my grandfather, who had lost his ability to
write after a stroke. And so he was practicing and I
would be like you. Suck at this.
Compared to me and he would just do like pages like he would be
like really depressed like I lost my identity.
I can't sign my name anymore. I can't sign checks and I'm
like. I'm even more smarter than you,
Grandpa. Yeah, my, my grandma's like he's
not even the same man. It's not who I married.
I just got a letter recently from the groom of the bachelor
party thing and it was written in cursive and I was just like
oh jeez like not very. You can tell he doesn't use it a
lot well. I can tell neither of us use it
a lot, OK, Because there's about a a whole half of a sentence in
there where I was just like, that's really sweet.
No idea. No idea what it said.
My grandmother used to dine to write me letters and she was an
artist is my dad's mom and she used to be really good at
calligraphy. And I wrote her a letter one
time in cursive and then she wrote me back a letter.
The 1st letter, you know, like the the one that you do fancy
fucking took up 1/4 of the page just like the like all these
serifs and stuff. Yeah.
And then the rest of it just looked like, it looked like
Thomas Jefferson wrote it. I couldn't read that shit.
I couldn't read it. Now I have, I have it somewhere
and I'm like because I saved it, I've no idea what it says.
One of these days, I'm going. To sit down to try.
To yeah, I'm going to have to have somebody that's like
historian to figure out what the fuck she says.
But I'm sure it's only like, you're doing great, honey.
I'm glad you've got to the third grade or whatever.
By the time you decipher this, I will be gone by the time
historians were able to crack the code of my neat handwriting,
yeah. And the family secret is you're
not really Jewish. We lied to you this whole time.
Your grandpa didn't know cursive before the stroke.
He never knew cursive. He was always really bad at
writing. There was like a big poster in,
in my grandma's office that was like not poster.
It was like a like a weird, I think like the, the government
says that like you have to have like workers comp posters and
stuff like displayed at the offices of like businesses and
stuff like that so that your workers know.
And like my grandparents took that very seriously even though
they had a family business. And so they had like workers
comp claim posters like it just in the house, like on the office
wall. And I should get one,
ironically, from the office that you can see.
And what are my rights but. Then once they hung that up,
they're like, I guess this is where we put just like health
notices and stuff. And so they, they also had one
that was for like my, my, like some people experience
personality changes after a stroke.
And I think that's kind of cool that you can live your whole
life one way and then just have like your brain just goes, this
guy's completely different now. This guy's a completely
different dude. We're going to mix all this up.
Hope I get a bad boy stroke. I know.
Yeah, I'm just like. I'm bad, whatever.
Just like, you know, I, you know, King.
Who's the current king right now in England?
What's his name? King Andrew.
No, that's not Andrew. God damn king.
What's that guy's name? Phillip.
It's not Phillip, it's the other guy.
It's King James or something dude.
Anyways, I thought we fought a fucking war so I'd never have to
remember the hell King once again.
That guy, he had normal hands and then all of a sudden, late
in life, he just got like these giant sausage hands.
Jesus Christ, Charles. Yeah, King Charles.
Look up King Charles hands. It's so cool.
He lived his whole life with one set of hands and then boom, he
hits like 70. His hands.
That dude's got some different mitts.
Imagine having hands and then all of a sudden you got
different ones. You know, it's kind of a
blessing in a way if you if you get cool.
Mine would get way bigger and yeah, they'd be like, super
veiny. Yeah.
And like kind of like maybe there would be calluses on the
fingers. Maybe you just have to have the
right stroke. I got emasculated at The North
Face store by my girlfriend because grabbed a pair of medium
gloves. They fit pretty well.
If anything, they were a little a little big.
She was like, well, they got larges right here and I was like
down need them. And she's like, well, Are you
sure? Like let's go.
And she's like, oh, these are different kinds.
Like the pinky bent? She's like at the counter.
She was like, hey, do you have any larges back there?
Like just to see? And I was like, I don't need
them, trust me. And then the lady went back and
got some and I was like, God damn it.
And then I tried them on. I'm like, they're OK, but I
think I'll stick with the mediums.
It's fine. She was like, why?
Why? And I was like, God, because OK,
because I don't need the largest, OK, because I got tiny
little hands. If anything, I could probably do
a woman's medium. Is that why you were defending
Trump so hard when people were like, his hands are tiny and
you're like, I actually think? Actually, if you have a big
head, it can make your hands look smaller, when really
they're completely proportional. Everything below my waist is
huge. Everything above is shrunken to
my neck. Then it gets big again.
I've got a very odd build, and I think it's OK for people out
there to have, but, you know, it's like a bill for Hollywood.
So they say big head, tall, tiny hands.
It shows better on camera. Yeah, unless you're like
grasping like a sword or something cool.
But yeah, that's when you have a stunt, A stunt hand.
They'd use me for like the shots of the hobbits holding the ring.
Aragorn's hands close over mine. Just love regular ass dude
grabbing me, whatever they are. No, but I was somewhere with
snow recently. Oh yeah, I have an anecdote.
I went to Buffalo. God dude, my neck is just
completely obliterated. Yeah, you look really static.
I, I went to Buffalo because I was invited.
Well, I would say I guess by Gabe again, but mainly I think
he told Devin he could invite whoever.
So Devin calls me and goes, hey man, come to Buffalo.
It's going to be a great time. Once in a lifetime opportunity.
Last home game at the Bills current stadium or something.
I just got, you know, we've I've been going all over.
I'm so sick of travelling. I'd sworn it off multiple times
and I thought, you know what, what's the worst that can
happen? It was a nightmare.
It was actually a lot of fun,
but it rained the entire game. And this, I got reminded of this
earlier when you were saying, you know, you guys don't have
snow in Florida. Yeah, Devin showed up to Buffalo
because he's lived in Florida his whole life with like, Nike
dunks and jeans. And it was 30° on a good, you
know, good day and somehow not snowing.
It was raining like freezing rain on us.
It's an open air stadium. Walking up to the parking lot,
you know, we didn't have any ponchos or anything as we're
idiots. I got that new jacket from Wabi.
I'm thinking to myself, well, it was expensive, it's got to be
waterproof. Wasn't just soaked right in.
Soaked right in. I thought a couple of us might
die because it was so fucking cold.
And we get in there, buy some ponchos.
Devon's, he's got shoes with holes in the top for like
airflow just destroyed him. Just absolutely soaking wet.
Omid. You know, he had a beer or two.
I tried. I bought him a poncho and he
said I want to, I want to be in the Element zone to feel like
the Bills fans. 99% of them are wearing ponchos.
And he didn't have gloves. He had jeans.
He had like a Jean jacket on with a hoodie.
And by the. Halfway through the game, his
hands were like color white, full of wrinkles, like soggy as
shit. And he just had hand warmers in
his pockets and he's like, it's OK, I got my hand warmers.
I'm like, dude, I'm honestly scared you're going to die.
And he's like I, I can take. It there was a president that
died doing that where he's like, I'm not a pussy, I'm not going
to have an umbrella. And then he just caught of the
cold and died. Even I.
Remember that. Yeah, he did not make it long.
And yeah, I was, you know, I was worried that he was going to go
that presidential route. And but it was really cool
because like, we got to like go afterwards and look in the
practice field and stuff. And it was neat.
I mean, it was, it was definitely worth it.
But that night, well, this is not even the point, but I, I
warned amid he was, Devin shared a bunk bed and he was on top of
Devin's bunk. Like, oh, I think I might
actually be starting to not feel like a pile of tissues in a box.
It was like, I don't know what's going on.
I think I might be getting sick. And Devin was so pissed off at
Amid that day that I think he wanted him to die because the
night we got there, we didn't get into our hotel until like
probably 3:00 or 4:00 AM. So there's a bunch of flights
delayed on the way there. And we went to the casino for a
minute and we were going to bed at like 5:00 AM and we had to
wake up at 8:00 AM to go to Gabe's house breakfast and O
Mead set alarms. I wish I I should try to get the
screencap. He sent it in our group text
like 50 minutes till the 1st alarm.
And I think it's like a joke. He set an alarm every 15 minutes
starting at 6:30 AM to wake up Devin just to piss him off.
And then I don't know if he I think he either forgot to turn
them off or just fully committed.
And he's such a heavy sleeper. He just slept through like 2
hours of alarms and Devin was below him like kicking his bed
like, oh, like, oh, me, please. And Will and I were in a
different, we had a door in between our sleeping quarters.
So I slept through it completely.
I've I've not seen Devin that mad in a very long time when he
woke up because I mean, I would be too.
I'd be, I'd be furious, but and then Omeed just kept like making
fun of him all day. Like why are you tired, Devin?
Like I've never, I've seen him Madden video games and stuff,
but he's normally like the most level headed.
Like he doesn't ever. And I don't know, I feel like he
doesn't get rage like most people do in the games or
anything. Like he's very cool and calm and
like he I think he was actively hoping Omeed would die.
You know I. And there's something.
About Omid where I love Omid but I.
It was so. Every, every trip, it seems like
Omid might be the reason why someone gets mad because of his
living conditions. I guess they're like how he
lives in in a how what it's like to spend a night with him.
We have that hiking trip planned and I'm kind of scared.
Yeah. That will be we.
We will be. Should we get a separate little
pin for him where we just keep? Him outside probably.
Well, it was so funny because that next day when he was all
sick in the bed, we're like, oh me, do you want a beer?
And he's like, Oh no, I shouldn't like I don't feel very
good. And Devin was trying to sleep
below him. And we were like, I mean,
wouldn't it be really funny if you just got hammered and fucked
with Devin? Like, imagine how mad he'd be.
And he was like, give me a beer. And he just immediately started
pounding beers. Like he was like, when you said
that to me, it felt like you said we got one more job.
And he just put his side like, how tired he was, how sick he
felt. And he just drank a bunch of
beers with the sole purpose of like, Devin would be angry if I
was really drunk sleeping on the bunk right above him.
That's very odd. We ended up driving to Canada
that night and well, AMIG claims he was like, I would never fuck
with somebody while they're asleep.
Like, that's the line I won't cross.
Which made Devin even more angry when he said that.
But we, we were going to get drunk and then go get pizza and
Canada because it's like right there, then come back and mess
with Devin. And something happened when we
went to Canada that made us more, I don't know, hopeful and
more it just made us better. Have you ever been to Niagara
Falls? Have you gone to the Canadian
side? Canadian side, I've heard.
I haven't been there, but I've heard when you step over and
then you look back at the American Majesty and it fills
you with hope and pride. And people had told me like go
to the Canadian side, it's cooler.
Might be the undersell of the goddamn sentry.
Buffalo specifically. The area around Niagara Falls is
like a grim hellscape and everything closed at 11:00 PM.
We went into Canada 5 minutes away.
I mean, they must front load their country or something, but
it was like stepping into like Wonder World.
Everything was open. The streets had some of the
best, like Christmas decorations I've seen.
And then we were just going down like random streets and it was
like all of a sudden it's Disney World.
Like there's a street where it's like toys, toys, toys, games,
games, games, like Frankenstein's Castle, the
Crystal Caverns, like it was just all out of nowhere, like
experiences everywhere. And then we went down the street
where it was like it was probably like 300, like
animatronic Christmas decorations and it we were all
just like, what the fuck is going?
Why have we not been here this entire weekend?
It was beautiful. You're we going?
No, we were listening to, oh, Canada.
You know, I was feeling, I was feeling inspired.
We go into the Papa John's, you know, we're saying like, I can't
wait to meet a Canadian. Never met a Canadian before, you
know, in their habitat. I've never been to Canada.
And, you know, you hear these stereotypes.
They're nice people. I asked the guy behind the
counter for some extra Parmesan. A guy just sitting in there was
like, hey, man, do you want my hey, let me do a Canadian
accent? Oh cranky Christ, he said you
might have been American but he was like do you want my garlic
sauce? I'm not going to use it.
Just a random guy offered me his.
We all looked at each other and we're like Oh my God, they're
nice. I denied it because you know,
I'm an American. I'm not going to take some
Canadians fucking. He's garlic sauce.
I don't know what he's done with it, but it's just really
generous and we end up just driving around those streets for
like 2 hours just in pure. Like I felt like a little kid.
I was like, Oh my God, look at that, look at that.
It was so exciting over there. I think you need to realize that
there is the possibility that that guy was a paid actor from
the state, OK? Canada is our North Korea OK, Of
course they're going to put this beautiful city right on the
other side of the fucking border.
They want to look like they're better or not that.
Was brought up if it was like a North Korean thing because.
It's a North Korean thing. It was incredible there.
And then we're like, this is your first impression of Canada
as an American, The inverse. When you drive back into what
are you like? I'm a Canadian.
American. Where we got to prove first time
I turn my ass around right away. If I were a Canadian, I went in
there. It was horrifying.
It was. Grim, we make sure our cities
are ugly so that we don't have to send ice out to turn you
away. OK, you you turn away just based
off sight on our cities. There was enough like, ice on
the roads and stuff. It was freezing at that point.
And then, yeah, the next day, every flight in Buffalo got
cancelled because of weather. I would not want to live up
there. It's a it's a horrible, horrible
city. You know.
Every flight cancelled the We had to drive 7 hours to
Baltimore, fly to North Carolina to get out of there.
My only experience with Buffalo is there's a a music video for a
song called Map Change by Every Time I Die and it looks.
And Buffalo 66 it. Looks fucking horrific.
It does not look like a great city to live in.
My stepdad used to live there and he was like, oh I love
Buffalo. Make sure to go to this area or
whatever it looks like a goddamn bomb went on.
Yeah, it was. Yeah, this.
It was horrid. It.
Looks like Megaton from 5/3. Post bad in day megaton.
It was just like. Post 10 Penny.
Yeah. It was just awful.
It was just horrid. I'm like, get me the fuck out of
it. And when they were, when they
were saying every flight was shut down, the next ones were
like 5 days later. I was like I can't make it 5
days here all I've eaten. Is it wasn't even for 10 days.
It was just the pilots were like, I'm not going there, Yeah.
You're stuck. And then there was like a bigger
storm coming like 2 days after. I was like, I was on the verge
of tears and I was going to, I was starting to get mad at Devin
because he's the one that talked me into going.
And if I got stuck there in that hell hole, and this is coming
from a guy that lives in Indiana, I was like wow, this
place is grim. It's devoid of hope.
It's a pretty good football team I guess.
But. It's, it seems like a lot of
upstate New York is very like bleak.
It's like a very it like it's so bleak looking.
So it's harsh, you know, it makes harsh people.
It does. My friend Steve is from upstate
New York. He's one of like the most
unwelcoming, harsh people I've ever met in my life.
He's just a horrid individual. And so.
No, you ever get people that they start drinking and then
they start like having introspective moments.
Steve gets really drunk. He goes like, I need to start
being nicer to people, man. Like that's his like once he
gets like. Mopey could be a good trait if
you like remembered it the next day and really.
And then he wakes up with a fucking fire in his belly again.
Yeah, he's I'm screaming at the next person I meet.
No, it's the. It's not him.
It's not him, it's the environment.
The environment made them that way.
God damn. It.
It's, it was a very beautiful drive from there to Baltimore.
Like you go through a lot of small towns and the little
mountains and stuff, but just, it just sucked it and
everything. It's a big city.
Everything closed at like 10 or 11 PMI was hungry, I was hungry.
I was so hungry most of the time, but it was it was actually
really cool, like just seeing AI haven't been to a football game
in I don't know, years. I.
Don't think I've. Ever.
I don't think I've ever been to a football game.
Ever. I've never felt probably more
patriotic in my life than when it was about to start and they
well they had to cancel the jet fly over for weather, which
would have been sick. That would have made me even
feel more but that they have such an insano like fan base
that gets so active. It was so loud in there and
they're shooting off fireworks and they did like.
Yeah, 'cause they know Canada can see from their fake little
city over. There singing about America or
they had some sort of like song about America.
It was in. I was standing there.
Fucking did. You salute.
OK, hand over your heart. That's that's good.
I didn't salute. That's a.
Civilian salute. Hand over your heart did.
A civilian salute. And with the rain that feels
like football, that's just like what you're watching a movie and
that they're playing a football game.
It's always like heavy downpour rain with the lights, with the
fireworks. I was like, God Bless America,
this place fucking rules. And then they lost to the
fucking Eagles from the least patriotic city, Philadelphia.
But it's, I don't remember where everything got done, but yeah, I
asked Gabe afterwards. I was like, is it kind of cool
playing in weather like that? And he was like.
What the fuck are you talking about?
No, he's like, did you have fun standing there getting rained
on? No, it's awful weather.
Like no. Well.
It's kind of weird, that cinematic that was your most
patriotic you felt. You know what my most patriotic
I felt is when? Vegas.
No, no, when our country went and kidnapped the president of
another country. Oh yeah, that's fucking awesome.
I wish that happened while I was at the Bills game.
All I'm saying they put it on the.
Big screen on the Jumbotron. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'd be like what? What the fuck?
What the hell is coming? On dude, I've noticed all my.
All. My foreign friends on Discord,
all of a sudden they've been real nice because they know
it's. Finally getting the respect I
deserve. Yeah.
Oh, you start being a little bit mean.
I'll send my guy over and snatch up your guy.
Yeah, we're snatching presidents and Indiana footballs #1 in the
country right now. If, if, if president, if the
countries are snatching presidents, it's so close to
being mortal Engines where cities are eating cities.
We're on our way, dude. It's it's not, it's not even an
equivalent yet, but it's like a domino on the way to.
Please Elon Musk and make a city City car.
Have you seen on on Twitter like people go like Grok put this
lady in a bikini? Oh my God this year like
creepiest. Yeah.
Or specifically like I've been seeing it's like make it make
this person wearing see through tape.
Now show me the back of them. Now show me a top down view.
I did see a funny one where he was a guy like a group of
friends and they're like Grok remove the guy with the tiniest
penis in the groove and it just removed like some random guy in
the group. Yeah, it's awesome.
Grok. You're the funniest friend I
have. Thank you.
Dude in our Discord, this guy Ethan, he found just this random
Latino guy that was following people around in like a Walmart
or in a grocery store. And he would just like take a
picture of a woman and then post it immediately on Twitter and be
like Grok, make make her nude. Grok, put her in a bikini.
And you were getting like live updates from this guy as he was
just like he would just like see someone on the side of the road,
take a picture of him, be like, make him nude.
This is we're in some sort of like, we're right there.
We're in like a a deep cyberpunkish Black Mirror gooner
hellscape. It's never been better to be a
woman online. We're one step from Mortal
Engines. If the women get in, get fed up
enough and decide, you know what, we're leaving and we're
taking our houses. Away.
If they wanted to fucking fight back, they could do it too.
They could take pictures of us, make his penis tiny and exposed,
and then send that photo to his wife or something and say he
sent it to me. Woman behavior Why don't you
just. Do the same thing.
Get as perverted. As we you don't.
Want to get mugged? Mug us first.
Fight fire with fire, dude. It's just simple.
It's just simple tactics. I can't wait to Yeah.
To see the the women you raise, all you have to do go out into
dark alley, mug them first to have Grog take a picture of
them. I'm going to keep you safe, OK?
You just got to do anything a man can do to you.
Worse. In this life, you're either a
victim or a perpetrator. You're either predator or you're
prey. Which one you going to be?
Yeah, I'd rather be predator. OK.
Yeah. Yeah, show them the Predator
movies first. You're either Arnold or you're
this big awesome monster. What do you want to be?
Yeah, my, my daughter's teenage rooms, they have like the skulls
on the walls, like the predators.
They're trophies. Trophies.
I've haunted everything in the state of Florida that poses a
threat. Crocodile skin everywhere.
I'll never be a victim. It's like, I'm pretty sure
you're the. Problem.
Hey, at least I'm not a victim, dude.
Yeah. Colorado's got great prey.
His father take us to Colorado. I don't know why it's such a
family thing to bring kids to like museums, but I went to the
Natural History Museum of Denver because.
It's educational or something. It's educational, but like, I
like to read the plaques. And the kids are just like next,
next. I got like there was an entire
like wing of the place that was Australia's like Aboriginal
stuff. And basically I got that they've
made boomerangs. And then I kept walking because
the kids were like go, go, go. And I was, I just walked up and
I was like, there's various boomerangs.
I guess they made those. OK, bye.
And you're like. Like a boomerang.
I'd like to go back there. Nah, I'm just like been having a
really bad year, right? You would think, by the way,
that bringing them to like the dinosaur exhibit, they would be
all in wonder, but they were like, next, I'm like, you
realize what you're seeing right now, right, Is these are the
bones of a dinosaur. But I guess they just don't get
it. Maybe their brains are small or
something, but. They're they're not even curious
about what do they like there They.
Love dinosaurs, but I think they like dinosaurs in Jurassic Park
when they eat people. I don't think they like looking
at the skeletons of dinosaurs. I don't think they got that
they're, this is like literally they're skeletons and that's the
first. This is their bones, This.
Is the first time that they're seeing literally what they are?
They had some. Great.
It's not as exciting, I guess I. Guess so.
I don't know. I have a picture of them at the
foot of a big T Rex skeleton. That's incredible.
Seeing AT Rex Skeleton, they were like next.
OK, all right. Boring.
Lame. I want Minecraft museum.
Yeah, but it was kids. Fucking shocked.
They don't even know what's good for him.
I don't even. Know it's like some things you
put it on like on paper that should check off all the boxes
of the coolest thing to ever happen to a kid.
And then yeah, I think every parent has that moment like
first and 2nd Christmases, you you buy them toys and then they
end up playing with the boxes that the toys come in more than
the toys. Madeline still brings up to me
all the time. She's like, remember when you
had that big box that you turned into a a school bus?
And I'm like, that wasn't even a fucking toy.
I ordered a couch and it came in a big cardboard box and I just.
Well, boxes are cool. I cut holes in it so it was a
school bus and I painted it. It looked like a school bus.
And she's like, that is the best time I've ever had.
I'm like with a fucking cardboard box.
I'm fucking I'm. I've given you jewels.
Yes. And Richie?
I'm returning tablets. OK, tablets are going to the
garbage. I'm selling those.
I They've got a really good children's museum and Indy that
I did like when I was a. Kid slime in it or something.
Well, it's, it's like a big ass museum, but it's it's got
dinosaurs, but not like the bones, you know, they look like
dinosaurs in the movies and stuff like they're a fake.
And then they just have a lot of like, interactable, like science
experiments in every room where you can, like, you actually get
to do activities when you know, when you're a kid, you want to
like, be able to touch the shit. And yeah.
Do you? Remember like going to like
Halloween parties and they'd go stick your hand in the bag and
it's it's, I don't know, they usually put like noodles in
there and they're like it's entrails or worms and stuff
like. That nobody ever did that.
They didn't do that. My my my family put.
Your hand in the my candy bag on my lap.
It's and one creepy neighbor. Yeah.
It's a snake you're feeling. It's a snake that gets rigid.
I think they took, you know, the Pickles that are sliced like
into like 1 long strip. They would put those in there
and be like, it's a tongue. You're feeling a tongue, stupid.
What? Is they did that.
Yeah, yeah. I remember having a Halloween
party where, like, I think my mom had done like all these
different things where you stick your hand in a box, dude style
and go. I'm feeling eyeballs.
They're eyeballs. And my mom would have like a big
cauldron. She'd put like dry ice in there
and so there'd be like smoke everywhere in the room.
She'd be like stick her hand in here and spide her eyes and just
stuff like that. I thought that was awesome.
I guess not. My mom was really trying to be a
really good parent because she knew the marriage was falling
apart. So she was like, we're going in
on Halloween. Halloween is going to be big.
You will feel guts. You will forget about the
arguments. You will feel this.
This is. It's just a a bag with 1000 beer
cans. Feel this.
You're feeling the immortal engines.
Guts. Guts.
Of immortal engines. This is a marriage graveyard.
Divorce papers. Yeah, there was a completely
separate exhibit for my dad. Yeah, but see your hand in here,
motherfucker. Feel what this is?
It feels like a stack of paper. Now scribble your name without
looking. Just sign your name on the
paper. Oh the ghost pen Pen died 1000
years ago. My, my mom had some good
Halloween parties, but now I see she didn't have great all
parties because she'd get like a lightning machine, like fog
machine, you know, she'd get like a bunch of kites with keys
to make lightning and but there's never like feel in this
bag of pig, pig balls. It was just like regular.
It was just like candy and stuff.
But I don't know why she stopped doing this.
At a point she became more or recluse or something.
This party stopped. Yeah.
Those were post divorce though so I don't know what the big
deal is. I think at that point, I think
women after divorce, they go, I'm going to celebrate life more
and because they feel like the marriage is what was holding
them back from enjoyment. I don't feel like they had like
they were not married very long and I think they had a pretty.
Amicable split gotcha. Yeah, I don't think it was that
much of A like. The chains have broken, now I
can. Now I can live my life.
They're still pretty chill. Yeah, I think over time people
realize that sometimes the marriage isn't the problem
sometimes. Sometimes the world is.
What's wearing you down, child? Yeah.
It's a child. The spawn, Yeah, sometimes
everything was going perfect. And then a kid shows up and it's
just like, complicates everything.
Like by complete accident, a child is brought into the world
and it's too late to get an abortion.
And. Hello.
World, then he. Comes out and has a little ass,
a little smart ass. Were were you an accident or.
I don't think the scientists that forged me were intending
for it to come come alive. That's what you're asking.
Miraculous conception, I think is what they call that.
Yeah, I I don't know, I would, I would assume so, but.
My dad calls my brother a happy accident.
That's what he calls them. That's sweet.
Yeah. I was planned, I was formulated.
They were. My parents were like Professor X
putting together secret ingredients, putting me
together. Professor Utonian or whatever
his name, yeah. Dad from.
Powerpuff Girls. Powerpuff Girls.
Yeah, he will be the funniest and the nicest.
And the smartest? Yes, memory.
Don't put that in there. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, psychotic. Well, I think.
Like dumped the whole thing. I think making a kid is often
it, it's like making a zomboid character.
In order to have some positive traits, you got to get those
negative traits, you know, so they're like.
I'm his parents, what do I care if he's got a micro penis?
Honey, if we select micro penis we get 6 points for positive
traits. Yeah.
Would you do that to your child? Did you give you your son a
micro? Penis but you got 6 positive
traits. That were like well.
What are the other? Negatives that I could choose
from because there's like, smoker, yeah.
I would. Are you kidding me?
They say smoking is. Bad for your health?
But like, they also look fucking awesome.
OK, yeah, the small penis is for life.
So I would assume yeah. And and I honestly, the smoker
thing, I mean, he could go, he could go into snuff, he could
do, he could do zins, there's nicotine patches you could do.
I mean, there's a lot of alternative.
Like a cop out. Because you're not really
smoking if you do any of those things.
That's true. You know what negative traits
but but. Smoker only gives you like 2
points, micro penis would give you like 10.
That's. True.
Fuck, it's a difference. They're not equally bad.
Is Sunday. Driver still one I can get.
That's where you just drive slow.
You can't drive. Fast.
It's a negative trait that's kind of positive.
In real life. I always look at the zomboid
checklist and go I don't. Know why they're calling that a
negative? I'll take it as a negative
because it gives me a little safety.
Yeah. What's wrong with it?
Just soaking it all in. You got no rush, you.
Know you're I don't want my kid. Flying down the street trying to
impress people, yeah. But I think if I was to, I would
give my kid Jumbo. Penis and then the negative
traits to pay for the jumbo penis would be ugly 2 left tall
yeah height this club arms no arms yeah don't need this just
just yeah Rocky Dennis head. You know.
Stuff like that, yeah. Oh my, is that or?
Is it comely or what is it? Weird.
Comely I think is handsome. Homely is is someone you want to
keep home at home. Don't.
Yeah, close those fucking blackout curtains.
They're homely. But then.
Comely makes you want to come because they're so.
Handsome. Yeah, they're.
That's interesting. Comely.
Humly. Chumly and chumly is more.
Is he more comely or homely? He's homely.
He's he's definitely homely. I'm going to start using that
word to describe. People, it's awesome.
He's my friend, but he's a little homely.
He's a little homely, yeah. Is it humbly?
I don't know. I think homely.
I think is it sounds funnier because it just.
Sounds like someone you would. Keep at home.
It's probably right too, but like, that's a person that
shouldn't go out in public. That's more of a.
That being awesome. Guys, if you're on like Hinge or
something, put that in your description.
I'm a homely individual seeking A comely woman.
It's it's like romantic. It's like old timey
Shakespearean. Most people probably wouldn't
know that. You're calling yourself ugly
too. But yeah, they probably just
think, oh, this guy is a home. This guy's rich as.
Fuck, that's a benefit? OK, the hell, you're ugly as
fuck, but. You got a home.
I. I don't have a home.
I'm just ugly. I said it right there on my
profile. I'm homeless.
I don't know what you're smoking.
I'm homely and homeless very upfront.
About what to expect. 2 truths and a lie I'm.
Homely, I'm homeless. I can't think of a third one.
I was never. Great at that game, I heard.
Cause at some point I wanted to shout out, I ran into a viewer
of the podcast and a fan of us at a target in Greenwood IN and
I'm sorry, man. I just want to take a minute to
say I'm sorry. It's just been it's just been a
year of let downs from from me. And but before you even start,
don't place this on your own. This is this is 2020. 6 This is
a new year, OK? You have to lay some of the
blame because I also have a viewer interaction that I'm
laying at this guy's doorstep, OK?
This is 2026. He caught me.
Yeah, at a weird time. But you caught me in my
metamorphosis. Yeah.
And I feel like some of the blame is.
On the viewer here, but you carry on with.
Yours. Sorry, Yeah, First off, guy, guy
at Target. Fuck you.
OK, taking off. I went in there to get dog food
and I was. Very hungover from that.
Bachelor party and I forgot like I guess that.
People know who we are. Or something.
And he he kind of scared me. So I was grabbing a bag of dog
food and he was just like, hey, big fan.
And for a second I thought he was talking about the dog food
brand that I got. And instead of being like, hey,
thanks, thanks for watching, man.
I just went what? And he and then he started to
doubt himself, and he was like a.
Big fan. For Ed Fables and I was like,
huh? Oh.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, thanks. Thanks.
I guess. Yeah, I'm like getting this dog
food, you know, I'm. Going to go pick up my dog for
my dad's and I looked over and he was basically gone.
OK, I blew it. All right, well.
And I always anytime I have an interaction like that.
I'm always like, I should have been fucking funny or why didn't
I say something funny? Hey, you're a clown fish.
Why do you say something funny? And I told you that one time at
the airport, I can't remember if I talked about this on here or
not, but a guy recognized me at the airport.
First interaction. I'm just like, hey, nice to meet
you. You're not cool.
And then I go and sit down and I was like, why don't I try to
spice it up a little? Why don't I give them like a
little like this guy, you know, he, he, he said he thinks the
podcast is funny. Why don't I do something funny?
So then I went over to him while he was sitting in his chair and
I did a like like I crept up to him and he just took out his
Airpod and was. Like, yeah.
Did not play at all. And I was like, fuck, that was
so stupid. And now it's like weird because
I wasn't doing that a minute ago and then I came in too strong
with it. It's not even that funny.
Yeah. And then after this Target
incident, I just went out to the parking lot.
It was like, and my girlfriend's like, what's wrong?
What happened in there? I'm like, I just fuck it.
I just. Let a guy down, I feel.
Like I just, I didn't, I didn't even shake his hand.
I didn't even catch his name. I told him a really boring story
and then he just disappeared and I thought he was like talking
about dog food. So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, man. I'm going to be going back to
that target every day and I'm going to be planning some jokes.
I've got a good one about a plain burger.
I could do that, yeah. I could tell you about, yeah,
plain burger. I ate.
A burger. Well, I.
Forgot the setup. God damn it I do this to him.
Be like, hey dude, we got off. On a bad foot last time, could
you be a waiter at an airport? Yeah.
And seen and go. I would like a plain burger now,
you would say. You gave him the role of the guy
that comes up. With the funny line.
Oh fuck, I'm. I'm being very generous here and
I'm letting you have the joke. Now you say you should.
Wait to get up in the air? Sure, you're going to have to.
Wait till you're unboarded up on your aircraft.
To order that, it's funny every time, yeah.
It's funny that would I think that would kill.
I think I think you need. To go back, it's hard to set up.
Because you have to have somebody completely going along
with it. That's why it didn't even
happen. Well, that's why you lit that
guy. You let him walk away.
You need to follow. Him I honestly did after it I
looked down a couple aisles and he was just gone.
I. Don't know where he worked there
so I wonder if he just slipped into a back.
Door or something, but yeah. I was going to find him and be
like, hey you. Hey asshole, I'm not done with
you. I want to tell you more about me
meeting my dad to get my dog. It actually comes around to
being very funny in the. Second-half.
I I also had a a. Run in with somebody and it.
Was under circumstances that we were talking about this earlier,
like when you're at home for so long.
I'm I'm a I'm a homely. Guy.
I'm a guy. That hangs out at home all day
and I, you know, when I leave, all of a sudden I go like I
haven't. Interacted sometimes.
With like another human being in quite some time and I and I
start going like like anxious at the cash register at the
cashier. I was at Chipotle with Abby and
before going into Chipotle, like I, I honestly, I get kind of
like the heebie jeebies from the urgency of it all where the
guy's like, what do you want? And I go like, Oh my God, they
don't give you any time to breathe in there.
And I'm a burrito and and. And he's like, and I'd already
planned it out. I was like, what kind of rice?
I was like burrito, I want the, I want the steak.
I want. Some cheese.
I want some. Oh, I want that.
You're doing very good, sweetie. I had it all planned out and.
He immediately threw a. Wrench in the whole process.
'Cause I go burrito, he goes, OK, what kind of meat?
And I go steak, he goes, we're out.
And the second he says we're out, I, I look down and I'm like
trying to find a different meat and a guy.
Next to me. That isn't ordering.
It just goes like, Oh my fucking God, Oh my God, is that General
Sam? Oh my God.
And I'm like, what? A barbacoa?
I don't even know how to pronounce that barbacoa.
And the guy's like, he pulls out another like tray and he's like
empty. There's no barbacoa.
What else? And then I hear the guy going
like, do you know who that is? Like talking to somebody else in
the fucking line. You know how embarrassing that
is to hear somebody else describe who you are.
He's like, he's like. A YouTube.
Online, he's like a homely content theater.
He's. Escaped his home.
He's outside. And I'm like, I, I don't fight.
Chicken. I don't care.
And the guy starts loading up chicken and then it moves down
to the second lady, right? Or the second person in line
where they do the accoutrements, the toppings, the toppings.
Yeah, and it moves down and I'm like, I want some like Pico and
stuff. And no rice.
Don't ever put rice on a fucking burrito, you'll ruin it.
OK, right? Dude, all they're trying to do
is fill up a room in that burrito.
Have you noticed? If you don't order rice, and if
you do order rice, the burrito at the end is the same size.
They use that rice as a way they've already gone past the
meat, right? Or no?
They're using that rice. To just fill up space and skimp
out. On the other goodies, you're
getting fleece, you're missing out.
On accoutrements, you're missing.
All you're doing is putting a flavourless pile of.
Shit into your burrito and I'm. Yeah, but I try.
Guys eat rice. So I'm like, I should eat rice.
The lady that he passes my burrito to is Muslim.
Lisa. It's Lisa.
In every. Way of like mannerisms, how she
stands, how she acts, her timidness.
It's just it was like a little neurotic Muslim Lisa.
She had on the what's a hijab? The one that looks like she's
about to go bobsledding. What's that thing?
You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, I know what you're talking
about. She had on the hijab but it was
just Lisa there and I was. Like I want Pico and I.
Want cheese? And she's like, OK, And then I
guess doesn't have a fucking off switch because this guy comes
over. He's like, hey, dude, can I have
a picture? And I'm like, sure.
And Abby's like, can I take your picture?
So she takes the phone and the whole time Abby's sitting there
taking a picture, I see Muslim Lisa in the background.
Fist fooling. Cheese into my burrito.
More cheese than I've ever seen. I never said stop.
And so she's just over there just, yeah, cramming it in,
shoehorning this cheese. Well, it's because you left all
that room because you had no rice.
You got exactly what you want. There was.
More things I wanted in there besides a fucking bag of
shredded cheese. So this guy basically fucked it.
Thank you so much for showing up.
And like saying. Hi and everything but you fucked
up my entire order completely ruined probably your day it I
left the restaurant my hands. Were shaking yeah.
Ruined my day a little. Bit and the how do you look in
the picture? I I smoked.
A lot. Before I showed up that might.
Had something to do with it. I was I like, yeah, it's a
nightmare. I when when I smoked before a
social interaction, I plan out how the entire.
Thing's going to go. And even if that guy wasn't
there and the guy just goes, the lack of stake would have had
already. Had my hands.
Quaking OK. That already had.
Me sweating in my pits and my hands were shaking because I was
like. You.
Threw off, no BBQ or whatever and then it just felt like a
gunshot in your chest. The.
Flow chart's off but I had a flow chart of how this entire
interaction. Was going to go.
Until I got back to my. Car.
Why don't you tell me what you do?
And that's all and. Anyway, I got back to my house.
I had to unwrap my burrito. And pull out you.
Know when you go to the grocery store and you buy like shredded
mozzarella? It was literally I could have
filled up a regular a bag of it from the grocery.
Store with the amount. Of cheese she put in there.
It was a criminal. She's trying to kill me.
A blessing, she's trying to kill me.
I've got a whole extra bag of cheese in.
My house some. People would kill for.
That that's true some. People that eat cereals in my
walls. Yeah, twice.
A day I'd love to have you got a burrito and shredded.
Cheese. Damn.
Yeah, dude, my car doesn't work. I can't go anywhere.
And all I have is cereal at the house.
And Chex mix. But yeah I think it is actively
like starting to affect me mentally.
I've been eating honey OS twice a day.
They are good. I've never had them before but
there's the pure amount of sugar and I don't know what else is in
them. Wheat, honey and milk and honey
and just no. None of the.
Essential vitamins A boy needs to grow.
I didn't even remember the last time I had meat or vegetable.
Really that's that's sad if it's not in chex mixer.
Honey House I. Haven't had it in about a week.
Fortnite. That's no, I actually did have
Chipotle the other day. My girlfriend picked up somebody
to say, dude, your girlfriend's not doing a lot of well.
You know, motherly nurturing that she needs to do She does.
Realize that being a podcaster. Being a Twitch streamer, you're
basically a child. She needs to step in.
You know, it's like really unfair for me that like.
Just because she got like her masters and works like a real
job. And it's like she thinks it's
like really stressful when she comes home and I'm like, all
I've eaten today is cereal. She doesn't even feel bad for
me. She's like, you're a grown ass
man. Why are you eating so much
cereal? And it's like, because I'm
podcasting lately, like hard day at work for the podcast.
Yeah, because I've got a podcast later.
This week. And.
And my car is not working and she's like, go out there and
fucking fix it. I'm like, well, I'm not like
that kind of man. Homely, yeah, I'm not wrenchly
or whatever. I can't.
Fix that shit. I'm hungry.
There's a I've been. Making fun of her dad.
She called her mom on speakerphone one day.
Well, her mom was on speaker and the dad was like, like, where?
What's going on with dinner? And she's like, oh, there's just
leftovers in the fridge, They're saying.
And he was like, well, I guess I'll starve.
That's serious. Just like, well, I guess I'll
just starve then. And I've just been saying that
all the time. And I'm like, so you can make
anything. And she's like, no, I'm not
going to fucking make anything, OK?
Like I just got home from work. I'm like, well, I guess I'll
fucking start. It's 436.
Abby's probably already got the oven up there heating.
It's got that shit. Preheat.
She's a she's a trad wife. OK, you know what we should do?
Is we should get. Wife swab.
No, no. No, no, no.
We. Should get some.
Like. Maybe.
Like you know that? Picture of like the the guys
working on the skyscraper and they're eating lunch up on the
girder. Yeah, we should have a podcast
where we're green screened up on a girder like that and we got
little finger sandwiches and and then we send her that podcast.
Oh, you don't think we work hard here I am above 1928 Manhattan
when she comes home and I've got my I can.
Hand in my pants. Bowl of cereal on.
My belly and I'm watching Smallville and I'm like well
what you doing? Get the oven preheated.
Had a hard day worth of work and I came over there ain't no
dinner made. I just did.
The worst stream of the year and I'm going to need something.
Delicious. Yeah.
Guys, don't buy Pandora, friend. Wait, that's not what it's
called. Avatar Frontier of Pandora,
something like that. You know what's the new movie
that came out, which I haven't? Seen ooby?
Slop OK, it's actually very beautiful and I am putting a lot
of the blame on the game because I tried to stream it yesterday
and it was the worst stream of the year.
That sucks. A big blockbuster game like that
is. Is so bad.
It's not, you know, it's like one of those games where
everyone says like once. You get the.
Dragon thing. It's actually really fun.
When do I fucking get it? I played for five hours.
Who makes a game? I know a lot of games.
Obviously you grind in the beginning.
OK, It's like not always fun. But who makes a game that
tedious for five hours? Like who's going to want to come
back and play it? They're just like they're, it's
like the movies. They're like they're hoping the
visuals distract you enough where you don't give a shit
about anything else. And it works in the movies.
For me it. Does I can sit?
There and suck on my thumb and watch the movie and be like,
this is actually beautiful in the game.
They're like run 4 miles through the forest and go go get a
little thing. Come back, go it's just fetch
quest, fetch quest, fetch quest like do little errands, errand
boy simulator. And then the world is beautiful.
They're they're throwing in many games that have no right.
In a game where I'm a blue monster.
That lives on a on this beautiful planet they have like
you can do like hacking with the little scanner and hack into
computers. Those fuckers have got 4
fingers. They're not built for getting on
computers and stuff, you know, like they're I should be like
swinging from the trees. I should be riding a dragon and
they're like hack into this computer system and unlock the
gate. They always add hacking to games
for some reason. That's like in every every.
Game it's the exact same like hacking system as dispatch.
I don't know if you played that, but it's like.
Make you go into the computer and then you make the little
ball like go through the system you're in you're in the only
you're in I'm in is I'm pissed now all right well on the flip I
just pulled up Avatar frontiers of.
Pandora it's actually got great ratings.
I I have a a. Game that I'm.
Willing to. Vouch for that I picked up
recently called Cash Grab. Refunded.
It is $7.00 opposed to Avatar. Frontiers of Pandora.
Which is $30. Also Avatar Frontiers of
Pandora, mostly positive reviews, cash grab refunded,
very positive. OK, now it's only got 181 very
positive reviews, but they're there.
This game, it's got it all. You can.
You can drop kick your friends, you can come.
You can. Literally you literally.
Hit the R. Button until you you have to
build up a bar of jacking off and then you come and the come
hits the floor and skidders around everywhere and it's I
don't really know the purpose of the game.
We just kind of sat there last night and tested it out just
doing a lot of coming I guess, but it's the game.
The refunding is in the title, so I'm assuming you're probably
going to refund it, but I think it's like a lethal company type.
You can upload an image of yourself and put it on your
character. And I put that.
That's cool. Evil picture of me with my
eyebrows up like this. Yeah, I put that.
On my. Character and it looks perfect,
absolutely perfect. Sweet.
And guess what, $7.00. So I know there's a lot of
people that resent the friends slop genre of games.
You see a lot of people that shit on friends slap.
You know who shits on that? People with no friends.
But you ain't got no fucking friends.
You don't like friends slap, of course, but if you have.
Friends and you're not a douchebag.
Cash grab refunded. That's a fucking banger game.
And if you don't have friends, Avatar Frontiers of Pandora once
you get your. Ecron I've heard the game
really. So fetch quest in a beautiful
Ubisoft dog shit world. Let me look at this game.
The most fun you can have in it is you can punch basically
everything. To death, but there's only one
animation. Yeah, who cares?
I just have been. Beating everything.
To death with my hands. And that was.
Cash grab refunded. I've only been beaten one thing.
But it's also to. Death.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's cool, man.
Really the only game I care about for the.
Last three weeks is Total War and it's just.
Not a great you're not on your arc Raiders kid anymore.
No dude, I just. I'm back on Total War man arc
Raiders. Is still arc Raiders is was so
goddamn fun but I. I think I just kind of don't.
Know I got a little tired maybe I maybe I just need to try it
again and see but got no friends to play it with.
Dude, you know my fucking. Friends still they all they play
is League of Legends. OK.
I can I have a game that never stops?
Can I have a slight? 2026 confession.
Yeah, of course. I played a riff.
Today. And it felt good.
Oh my God, it felt. Good dude I.
Felt like Uncle Rico putting on a Letterman.
Jacket dude. I felt like I was like.
You don't want to be like Uncle Rico.
I'm back, OK. I'm.
Dude, I'm about. Ready just so I can play with my
friends to just fucking TiVo and top.
Lane still hits it hits destruction.
Man, top lane, it still hits. I did.
Well, I I was happy. I don't think I've lost on the
riff. Since I started playing, I
played one today, I played two yesterday.
It's all I've been playing since I got back.
I'm fully addicted. It's just not a good game for
productivity. I mean Total War is horrible for
my productivity. Yeah, now I'm start mixing in
League of Legends. What?
Then I start playing some CS GO again or something.
Then what? What?
When does it end? I start playing balloons, tower
defence, line rider. I regress.
All the way back. Snake IO making line line rider
maps for hours. I.
Genuinely think line rider. Is a better game than Avatar
Frontiers Pandora? No offense to anyone, that's a
big, I think if I was way more into the the IP, I don't think
anybody's into the IP of there are people.
That like learn. Navi, I think the avatar.
IP has been. Fanfare for Stuff is usually
such a grassroots movement. This.
Is like a top down. Thing the first movie came out
and it was a technological achievement, not a cultural like
7. Not a cultural achievement.
Nobody gave a fuck about it and then?
It's just been so ham fisted. Into us.
Like, of course kids are going to be into it because it's the
corporations have willed it to be, you know?
You know, I have that tattoo of the Navi tail, head, tail going
all the way down my back. Yeah.
And I got the Korich scars scarified.
On me RDA. I love the RDA humans.
And I got I'm going to turn. Into a Navi and get.
Those little sunglasses, that's all I want.
Yeah, that would be cool. I would become a Navi.
I'd become one. They're like 9 feet tall and
they're so agile. I think the.
Agility is Bizzle. Would shut his fucking mouth in
two seconds if I. Turn into a Navi and did a
handspring. That would be the first thing I
did. I wouldn't even take a step.
It would say while. You're in the now that you've.
Brain linked with the Navi. You need to take a minute to
acclimate yourself. Be be careful and I would
instantly throw myself backwards.
Into. A handspring, A backflip without
even jumping, spinning a circle backwards incredibly fast.
I'm so strong, yeah. No, I really.
In real. Life.
Maybe this will be my serious New Year's resolution.
I would like to do the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, like
walk into a room with a cane and then crumble roll stand.
Yeah, that actually does seem really.
I would love to be able to do that.
Yeah, and I feel like that's a. Feasible thing because he was
old. Yeah.
And he did it, Would you? Wear a suit too, or just.
Just regular. Clothes if I could confidently.
Do it. I'd do it in most rooms I walked
into, yeah. My my fear is whenever people
do. Have you ever seen someone?
Trying to do something acrobatic like a backflip and then while
they're flipping, their foot accidentally clips like a kid in
the head or something. Or like they fuck up and like
hit somebody or knock over something and it takes all the
aura away. I would be afraid I'd do the
roll and then my foot would grab like a table runner and yank all
the plates off the table or something.
You're scared of falling into aura debt in your in your home?
Yeah. That's that's like our social
credit score in. This house, how much negative
aura till you get divorced? What do you have to like kick
one of your kids in the. Head while doing it and then
fall down the stairs and break that window.
At the bottom, how embarrassing would it have to be for Abby to
be like, I'm done roll around the entire house just.
Breaking everything. Oh God.
Oh God, I can't. Stop.
I don't know. I don't know.
I, I mean, I, I like professionally, I.
Pride in just agitating her, but it's never in a way that makes
me pathetic. It's more in a like an I'm an
instigator. Like she like she's one of those
people that's like January started.
I'm going to start working out. So she did a huge leg workout
and her legs are killing her today.
And so, like, when she goes to like, sit down the couch, she's
like, it looks like she has hemorrhoids.
She's like grabbing the. The arm of the couch and slowly
lowering herself and I earlier today I was like, come on, give
me a piggyback ride. What gives You used to do it all
the time. What gives She's like seriously,
stop fucking with me. But it's stuff like that.
It's not so like directly embarrassing to me.
I don't know. I I think I could get pretty
pathetic before she leaves me. I think I think I should stage a
break in and you like you like throw.
Her, the gun and like. Crawl on the ground and start
like pissing and rolling. Around or something I think.
You could hit a limit of pathetic that she would not
trust you anymore. That's true.
I think if you were looking for an an out, yeah, I can help you.
We stage a break in where I walk in the front door and we start
making out on the cash. I think.
Honestly I think as long as the Patreon checks keep coming in.
She's here to stay. Yeah, she could.
Catch you fingering me in the mouth and.
You would probably. Still stay dude, I don't know.
Have I ever told you on here about my friends from college
that talked? About how they would.
Like I tried to explain this on stream yesterday and like by
proximity, it's hard to talk about because of how insane it
sounds, but these two guys, they were roommates, really good
friends of mine. They were roommates.
In. College.
Yeah. And they were roommates.
They they told me once that sometimes they just get really
hammered and like if they tried to hit on chicks.
And it didn't work out. That night at the bar, they just
go home, like smoke weed and take turns like sucking each
other's fingers. And the way that they pitched it
to me was like this. Is the most normal thing in the
world, and it's actually. Like very smart to do because
not a bit, not a bit. They're like, doesn't it feel
good when you get your fingers sucked?
I'm like, I don't know, I guess like, like maybe like if you're
like doing so, you know, you throw a thumb in.
Their mouth or something? And they're like, yeah,
sometimes we just do that to each other.
Like I thought they were completely joking.
I'm pretty sure they're like dead serious and it's such a
I've ever just been like, that's OK.
Well, that might be as close as you can to being gay then, no?
I was, I think. I remember the time being like.
Yeah, it's pretty gay, man. They're like, no, it's no, it's
not. It's not, is the thing.
Yeah, they're like, but that's it's.
You were like riding such a razor.
Line. It definitely is, but it's like,
but it like which one's gayer? Probably the one sucking the
finger, but they would they would talk about and I like I
remember being like, listen guy, if you're trying.
To talk me into getting my fingers sucked.
In this house or something, I think I might have to pass, but
they were so like confident and casual about the way that they
brought it up that I remember leaving and being like, do you
think it's gayer? Am I being like, am I being
ridiculous for thinking that's a ridiculous thing to do?
With your roommate, it's pretty. Ridiculous, but is it gayer to
be like suck these or is it gayer to be the one?
Sucking, I think being the one sucking, yeah, I don't know if
they do too. I think they would do index and
just have them suck. On it, just have the you look
away and you have the other guys.
Suck on your finger for the sensation.
And it's hard to. Imagine that wouldn't be sexual
because why else would you look away?
Why would you get your finger sucked unless you know it's
like? Why not just maybe do?
Give each other like. I mean, a hand massage is also
pretty gay, but. No, a hand my.
Hand massage is to really feels really nice yeah yeah like
there's nothing there's. Nothing wrong with like like a
shoulder. Massage to your.
To your male friend. No, I've got a stiff neck right
now if happy. We're here.
I'd have. Him rub that out right now and I
feel like a hand massage while being more.
Intimate has more plausible. Deniability, but you don't get a
lot of deniability. Yeah, sucking finger, but no.
There's if you're just that comfortable in your own.
Skin, I guess you're. Like hey look, it feels good and
there better be sexual, better be some BBQ sauce or something
on that thing. I think dry.
Just dry. Just dry.
Clean finger. Damn.
Whipped cream does. That make it worse.
Or better, worse. Is in more gay?
But not as in that's not in not as in like that's bad.
Honestly, I. Think we need to have?
Was I jealous that my roommate never even thought to suck my
finger? Yeah.
And I'm very. Curious how the first time that
discussion came up went. Is it a casual?
Hey, wouldn't it be funny? It was probably right after they
finished sucking each other's. Penises and realized they didn't
like it. Is they're just like, that's
messy. That's messy and I fear.
Too gay, but the. Finger.
Is there one slight step below this?
Not all the way. Back.
Because I enjoyed aspects of it. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I'm. I feel like I should have.
Asked them one day. Like did you guys ever fuck each
other? No judgement, I just got to know
if the fingers are where. It stopped.
That is so like close to being gay.
Without it, I don't think I can find anything closer.
You know what I mean? Like one of them had a
girlfriend at a point. I'm like, do you tell her that?
Like, hey, my roommate and I, we used to suck each other's
fingers. Or do you just never bring that
up? But they brought it up to me
like unprompted is like, this is a thing we do sometimes.
It feels awesome. And I was like, what are you
talking about? That's that's great have.
You ever seen those videos? Of like Mallard ducks like how
they'll like go into the water, but their.
Their their coat of feathers is so hydrophobic that it like
pushes the surface of the water beneath them so they're not
actually getting wet if the water was gayness like these
guys are somehow dipping into the gay's fear perfect without
being quite gay like it's they're getting head from a
chick while. Sucking on.
Their boys fingers. I mean, it's a genius.
It's it's. Insane.
It's it's it's this is. This is the type of shit paste.
This is the. Type of shit that would have
kept Stephen Hawking awake for for days.
You would have been in there doing internal calculations.
Too gay or not too gay? Yeah, yeah.
These guys aren't gay. They're.
Anti straight. It's a new a new type of matter,
a new type. Of gay so comfortable with each
other's friendship and I, Stephen Hawking AM.
Curious that the sensation would feel.
Yeah. Every guy that would go in there
and they'd tell him, they'd be like, well see, that's not gay.
Because I also would like to. Get in on the finger sucking as
long as all 12 of us are sure that we know this is the kind of
the. Straightest thing you can do
with. A friend I would also like to
get my fingers sucked. Every top scientist can be gay
because I like. Doing it too now.
And then they make a book of people that are OK with it and
they buy an island. Where they do it together and.
Fly out to it. Let's let's just all suck each
other's fingers one after. Another index, middle ring,
pinky, no thumb. The thumb.
Isn't really no BBQ sauce? Insight is nothing nothing just
raw. Would it be?
Would it be weirder if you just ate a bag of chips and you're
like yo, clean? These dude.
There. Is are you kidding me?
There is so much extra plausible.
Deniability. Your friend could just be like,
are you kidding? No.
Then you're trying too hard to cover it up if you're like.
Dude, he was just sucking the dust off my fingers.
You're you're the person getting their fingers sucked is
definitely covering it up, but the guy that's doing the sucking
he. Could just be.
Really, really. He could have smoked a lot of
weed, no, And he could be like dust off.
That's the best part. That's the best part of the BBQ
chip bag is. Sucking.
The dust off your. Fingers.
You don't want the dust? Is this guy kidding me?
RIP off. Is this guy fucking with me
right now? You give.
Me the dust. That's a good friend, Bing.
Bottle boom, I'll suck the dust off.
That's a good friend, yeah. They were the best of friends.
I always felt. Like I was kind of just a third.
Party and there, you know, they say I might think it's.
Time to go home. I'm free to clear out.
Man, we got two big. Bags of chips.
We're going to try to blow through.
What do you mean, go home? You just you just put out the
appetizers. Yeah, you.
Lowered the lights and put out. The bag of chips I thought we
were about to. Watch a movie.
No. It's finger sucking time, right?
My. Girlfriend's cool with it, She.
Said it's just finger sucking. It's not gay, it's just fun to
do. No, that's it is, but it it does
pose a very interesting. So guys, comment down below.
And is it gay to? Suck your roommate's finger
also, I cannot emphasize enough that.
This is not. Like a.
Like, oh, this is something happy and I did or something,
you know, and I'm like testing the waters to feel like it's OK
to tell people about. Yeah, these are two real people
I know I went to college with. And you know, by all accounts, I
think they're they're doing great in the real world.
And one of them just bought a house.
His girlfriend lives with him, has a successful podcast.
They don't, I don't think they they live in the city.
They live in a different city. But.
Is it better or worse than toes? Let me know.
It is because it's more phallic than a toe.
It's way better that toes. Is a completely.
Different. Fucking kink level.
You never hear about hand fetish.
Yeah, toes would be. They would need to go to a.
Fucking psychological. Facility or something they.
Need to get that zapped out. Yeah, I would release Nurse
Ratchet on those two if they were doing.
If they were sucking each other's toes, I'd be like, guys,
it's OK. You can just say, you can just
tell me that you're no, you guys were banking.
Each other. I think most gay dudes would be
curling their lip up at the van. The thought of that just on the
couch. Sucking each other's toes.
That's a shame. I should bring it to next.
I have a gay doctor. Friend, I'm going to bring this
up to him because he's. Both a mind doctor and a gay
man. I'll be like you might be the
most well equipped to answer this this quandary I have
hypothetical. Not me.
I can't emphasize enough. These two guys that were
roommates were sucking each other's fingers.
What? But yeah, what do you make of
that? By all accounts, they've never
gone further. And.
They would they Did you ask him? Did they get hard?
You know, at the time I was pretty.
Shocked and I. Wasn't asking a lot of follow up
questions. I just imagined that white
Lotus. Scene also like incredibly high.
Like what? You guys are doing what here?
Have you seen that? White Lotus scene with Sam
Rockwell where? He's talking about.
The lady boys, lady boys, my roommates and I would go home,
get high and suck each other's fingers.
Touched the Goggin's. Face like what?
That is kind of how I felt that. Like and I feel like they were
both. Like comfortable enough that if
they. Were gay, they would have just,
you know, been openly gay. So it's like a very curious,
well, maybe that's the answer, curiosity, but it's a very
curious quandary. 1 I don't think they were curious anymore.
I. Think they were curious?
They tried it out and loved it and they kept doing it.
I almost want to say to point to like one of them called it off
or something or like and the other.
One was acting mean about it. Well, where are you going
tonight? Are you going to suck somebody
else's fingers? Huh.
How many? Fingers.
Do they have 10? I'm going to kill you.
Yeah. I mean I.
Only tried it one time. Look how they sucked the bone.
Off my finger. Yeah, and I heard the one
roommate lost all of his fingers.
I'll never tell who it was. I do.
I should honestly call them because I miss the.
I miss one of. Them he was like what ended up
I. Hung out with them all the time
in college but I wonder if it'd be weird to call them for the
first time in like 5 years and be like I need a couple more
details. You can call them what was Oh,
you maybe I'll I'll bring. It up to him at some point.
And be like. I need you to.
Do a. Call in.
Segment on the podcast to answer a couple of questions.
Does he know? Does he know about the podcast I
I saw? I saw him in.
Chicago a couple of years ago and I like.
Told him what I did and I know he like.
Built a gaming computer and has discord and stuff but I don't
think like none of my friends watch this.
Hopefully he's not like, I mean, he could be an active viewer and
he's like, hey, what the hell, I told you that in privacy.
No, I remember I told you. That I was gay.
You're. You're.
You're misleading the story he just grabs.
The reins and goes no, that was you and happy telling me.
Don't bend this shit on me. It's like the ending of Shutter
Island. I'm like I want to get to the
bottom of this. You 2 are sucking each other's.
Fingers. What's what's worse, to die a
straight man or live? A guy sucking on another.
Dude's fingers closeted finger sucker 2026.
You should be able to tell people about finger.
Sucking. I've never tried it.
I wake up in a strange. Where my arms are.
Closed. That's I wake up, I'm.
Still in the apartment, getting my fingers sacked that.
'D be a nightmare, have you? Have you seen the I it always.
I know your food's ready. I always have to think for a
while. There's ones that are like, I
think I would always pick modern day, sorry, I'm like getting way
ahead of myself. But they're like, you go back to
2010 with all your current memories or $5,000,000 right
now. It's such a tough 'cause it's
like you could be you. Get a lot of things for.
For sure. Yeah.
Well, but see, here's the
problem. 'Cause I.
Would almost. On one hand.
It's like life extension. And you could invest in Bitcoin,
you could invest in NVIDIA, you know, you could make buku bucks.
But also like for you, I think it gets more complicated because
what I think about is like, well, I then have to like ensure
that my nephew gets born and that like certain people, you
know? And then on one hand I'd be
like, I got to make sure like some of my family members don't
die in blah, blah, blah. And it's like, that would be a
noble cause, but also like, then what if I don't be my girlfriend
at the same like also then you're hanging.
I'd be hanging out with my friends that are all 12 years
old, having the mind of a much more pessimistic man, and they
they'd annoy the fucking shit out of me.
Don't hang out then. Well, I still would play Star
Wars with them. Well, I would one of those still
have those friendships. So you're trying, you're trying
to go back in time and then just do the same as possible.
But with a lot more money. Oh wait, you get the money if
you go back in. Time.
No, no, no. I would go back in time and
start. Working and like buy some
Bitcoin or something. And I'd be telling my friends
like, you got to do this. And I'd go to that Rust event
and I'd meet you. And I'd still do the podcast,
but I'd just have, you know, I, I would love to start from the
very. Beginning a.
Second time. But what if your daughter you
like you have? This time it's so right.
No. Oh my God, no.
This is. You act like I.
Why would I go back in time and relive the exact same life?
You have the same memory that's fucking.
You know your daughters. I knew my past daughters from
when I before I went. Back in time.
This is a completely different shoot of possibility.
You'd just be like, bye, girls. What if you had two boys?
Yes, I would. I would have.
I would still have kids. And then I, yeah, super, I
might. If it's if the girls don't name
them the same but like I think that's something.
That. You go, I'm assuming this entire
timeline just gets cut, like, yeah.
And then you just go back and you get to relive.
Yeah. I mean, the people that end up
on their deathbed, they're like, I would, I would do it the exact
same. Really the exact same you'd do
it the exact same fuck, dude. I mean, there's a world out
there where you're like a, a fighter pilot.
You there's a, there's so. Many things to do out.
There I don't want to. Be a fighter pilot.
I want to be a podcaster. I would try to get the exact
same I'm Oh I would still be doing for the most.
Part I'd still be doing YouTube for sure but I just have a VFX
team because I would have made. All my Bitcoin.
Millions. I would definitely be.
Navigating it in a different way, yeah.
And I would not really like 500 videos that just fucking.
Suck in the beginning to just you'd start instant, you'd have
all the knowledge yeah, instantly just coming out with
pretty good videos that's. Yeah, in 2010.
Oh my God. Yeah, that'd be killer.
It'd be hard though, because how old would you be in 2010?
I would be 20 I guess. You would see you could make a
lot of this. I'd be a 12 year.
Old with this mind and I'd be like.
I don't know if I'd immediately tell my mom and dad like, I'm
not the son you had yesterday, OK, I'm going to be cussing and
I'm going to be drinking beer. You guys just got to be chill
and you got to do the I can't do these investments.
I need you guys to believe a 12 year old to invest in a thing
that you've never heard of. And also also remember that guy
from The Apprentice? You need to make my little
siblings. At the exact same time, I think
they would actually be like. One but I'd.
Be like, what do you mean the guy from The Apprentice?
Donald Trump, The guy from The Apprentice.
Yeah, you won't believe. Where he's going to be in a
couple of years. Trust.
Me, you know, Jeffrey Epstein, the financier, the financier, he
at this point, he had already. Been like sued or not sued, but
he had been like. I think investigated.
So I think it was kind of out in the open already, but it would
be like. What an epic.
Responsibility and people are like, I love P Diddy's new
music. I'd be like, well, well.
Your kids won't. You might love it, but your kids
are going to hate it. It would just be hard.
I'd be like when when did like was there any like big?
Disasters I could avoid. I'd be like, I don't remember.
What year they happened? Like when was like shutter
shades? Boston, I guess.
Like what? Yeah.
I just have to I'd. Try to help where I could.
But. I would, I wouldn't help
nothing. I would.
I would, I would. You know what?
Things are just going to happen. Regardless.
I might call General Soleimani and I might call him and be
like, there might be a Hellfire missile coming for you at some
point. It'd be very awkward.
I'd be 12. I'd be like trying to hit on
grown women. They'd be like, get away from
me, little creep kid. Like no.
Listen, lady, it's not. It's not.
You're not a pedophile. Kind of.
Technically, well, you are, but. OK, yeah, I hadn't.
Thought about that aspect of it. Yeah, well, you'd still just be
with Abby. Abby, 10 years.
Ago we started banging when we were teachers.
Yeah, a grown ass man banging. You'd be like, sorry.
Abby, I just got a. New lease on life I'm.
Investing. In Bitcoin and NVIDIA and I'm
having new kids. Listen lady, you got to scram,
OK? I'm making good.
Videos now. Trust in an alternate world you
you're with a fucking loser for most of your.
Teens in your 20s, this is. Better for both of us.
OK, I'm going to. I'm going to cut you.
You go get the. Man, that your parents always
wanted some baseball player, you know?
You you'll end up having a baby on one hit beer in the.
Other, you'll be fine. You'll be fine.
Yeah, I saw that the other day and I got tortured for like. 40
minutes I'm. Like wait, this isn't a real
thing that I can do either way I.
Was like, do I just take the money though?
I just take 5 million right now 'cause I, I would just be scared
or even, you know, playing with the past.
Like then what if one of my heads you die?
You have like this like reconstructorist like.
View of going back in time like I need to make.
Sure, it all plays out exactly as it is.
Maybe because I like the way things are.
Well then don't go in the past. Well, that's why the Quan
that's. Why?
It's a tough decision. It's not a tough decision for
most people. It's.
Like 5 million or like. I do when people are billions of
like. When they have billions of
dollars, what? Are what are the things that
they spend money on? Hunting people, private chefs,
people to do things that take the time.
Out of their. Day because time is the one
thing you can't buy with money. If you're giving me the
opportunity to go back a decade, that is something that literally
nobody can do. Not even Elon Musk can go back a
decade. He can go get.
Fucking hair. Plugs and shit, yeah.
Still can't go back in time. Yeah, I guess I'd probably go
back, but then I would. Be.
You'd be ahead of the curve dude.
We'd both. We'd both go.
Back and then I'd be fighting you to maintain the timeline.
And you'd turn into an evil villain.
And I'd have to probably kill you at some point.
Listen, man, I got to make sure my nephew's born and I'd be.
Making YouTube videos going I know idubs is cool right?
Now, but he's a real fucking pussy in the future.
Trust me on this, he guys just go out and buy at least one
Bitcoin, OK? I'm promise you.
Promise you, you. Know what I would do?
My one virtuous thing I would do is I would find that guy that
bought the. Pizzas with the Bitcoin in 2011?
Hold on, I'll say dude, here's the money for the pizzas, OK,
you save. That.
Bitcoin trust cause in that picture it's him and his family.
He has kids. Like, I think someone like
tallied up how much money he would have had and it was
millions upon millions. Like like I would.
Be set up for life. I would find him.
I wouldn't be able to take that. And I would say I would not be
able to be him. I would say give me a couple of
Bitcoin, Yeah, and I'll buy your pizzas.
You get those pizzas. Give me half the pizza.
And give me you're going to. Thank me one day, drop the pizza
on the. Ground.
Yeah, suck my finger. I've got a billion dollars.
Suck my finger in this guy's life.
Take a picture. The same picture of him with the
pizzas. It would be recreated but him
sucking my finger I'd. Go to the same college, I'd make
the same friends and I'd be like I have to know more the day
before. You go, I have a great idea.
You guys suck on my fingers when I don't find a date.
Guys, I got an idea. Then I find out through the time
loop that I was the one that started.
It the whole time they never wanted to suck fingers.
You would have to I remembered how I was there.
That might be the most evil thing you.
Could do is find 2. Guys that you?
Going back in time, finding two guys that you know.
Suck fingers and then just ending up in a situation where
you have them both sucking pin guys sucking on each.
Whoa, there's enough fingers for.
All of you don't touch. Them Hey, don't fight each
other. I'll take these shoes off.
OK, I'll give you something else to suck on.
I'll give. You, you fun dip and I'll give
you Cheeto. Let's see who has the most fun.
Yeah, I honestly. Probably just wouldn't go I feel
like. A tribal like.
Like a Stone Age warlord. If I had men sucking on my
fingers. It's one of the more classically
masking. No, it's so.
It's so emasculating. For the dudes.
That are sucked for them which makes it clean my.
Fingers off. Yeah, Put a little Purell on
your. Tongue and suck on these things
seems somebody. Misplaced single ply in my.
Toilet to get a little bit of grummage.
Clean it off for me my good friend.
Have a guy doing like a banana leaf cooling you down.
You're eating Buffalo wings. I don't want to clean my.
Fingers off servants. Oh, all the way back in 2010.
I think I'll take the Pelican today and have the banana leaf
and. One day they'll be air
conditioning, they'll be cars. For now, I will enjoy the.
Splendors of my men. One of these.
Days I'll invent. Women.
I forgot back in these days. They were only men.
I pay. You guys enough money to feed
this delusion. You never bring up a woman in my
my presence. I'd live in a big cave, big fire
in the middle if you have enough money.
You could do any experience, you could have a.
Your own Westworld. But instead.
Of Cowboys Stoney, it's a little different.
Requires no animatronics. Just.
Requires a. Cave.
With any amount of money you can go find a cave.
Only the richest can go find a fucking cave and build a fire in
there. Build a fire.
In a cave. And have a man sucking his
finger. In it.
Opulence. Can you go back in time to?
Make a billion dollars your opulence, yeah.
I'm not really 12. I have the mind.
It's much more mature for my age now that we've.
Fully. Explored.
This. Would you try to do the same
thing again or would you go to? Your make everything different
or would you go to everything would change Funny how a
conversation. Can change everything.
You thought you knew. I never even considered that.
Last night. When I when I saw that TikTok
that posed that question, Yeah. Anyways, yeah, it's past five.
I hear Abby clinging some pots and pans.
Around aggressively. Yeah, guys, the moral is that
even if we could go back in time, we'd still end up back on
Forehead Fables. With a better name, it would.
Be the same podcast, but I would definitely approach you way
earlier. Bigger fables, yeah.
And I'd go like each one of these fingers tells a story.
Let's call it something. Where guests will say.
Yes to coming on the show. And where it's just.
Steal the name of a Oh yeah, like a much Yeah, The Sam Rogan
Experience, which is called the. Joe Rogan Experience.
I'm Joe Rogan and I'm Elon Musk. They weren't born yet in 2010.
Yeah, that'd be cool. Anyways guys this.
Is an exciting new cereal time. Yep.
It's not for me. It's not cereal.
Time. That's for after dinner.
That's a little midnight sinking, honey.
OS with the little. Rice Krispies on top.
It's nice. I'm thinking I think for the pop
oven roasted chicken with. Carrots and I think Brussels is
what we're having. Or I think no, she's doing like
blistered tomatoes with some sort of like she makes like a
cream sauce. It goes on pasta and it's like a
it's delectable. I'd pay $1000 just to suck that
cream sauce off your fingers when you're done.
Eating it. Well.
Sadly, I'm not gay. That's Abby's job.
Abby, clean these off. Yeah, yeah.
Later tonight you're going to be like Abby.
I've got a crazy idea. I want to try something.
It's not heterosexual, trust me. We're just dipping in.
To heterosexual, would you? Mind if I went on a hiking trip
with my friends? And you found.
Out we were just sucking on each other's fingers No, you're.
Going to go in there and be like, Abby, can you suck my
fingers? It's not straight OK.
I it's just seeing Ruth it's it's gay to have a woman suck on
your. Fingers.
OK, you just say it's. Nothing, it's not any form.
Of sexual, I just think it'd be. Just be like poop.
Told me this funny story. So I think we should try this
thing out, Spice things off a little in the bedroom.
Can I suck your fingers? See how that turns out?
I feel like I would probably get my finger bit really bad.
Yeah, I don't think Abby would be the type that would just suck
your finger. Unprompted.
Out of the bedroom. Well, I didn't think those guys.
Were the type to suck each other's fingers, but you never
really know until you ask. Yeah.
It's crazy that people are just allowed to get their own homes
and do crazy shit in them and they don't tell.
US. You know what I mean?
There's so many secrets secrets out there.
If you now here's a question, would you rather go back in time
a decade? And know what you know now.
Or would. You rather know all the secrets
of just all this. You go, you go.
Here's a. No, no, you don't just get them
flooded. In because then your brain would
blow up but you go like, oh, I wonder what happened?
In area. 51 And then you just know that would be awesome
because I do often when I drive by people's houses.
I just always like what does it look?
Like in there, I want to know the layout of their house and if
I if that counts as a secret and I could be like it's a secret to
you. I know every type, every trinket
they have in their home. Dude, you'd be awesome.
You'd be an insane. Cat burglar, if you like, could
just have. Like a mind connection to.
Trinkets you. Know like yeah, they have a gold
bar coin. Shut up, honey.
I I feel a 15th century ceremonial.
Opium. Pipe somewhere in the vicinity.
And also they suck each other's fingers in there.
Holy shit. Behind those two guys.
Sucking each other's fingers. There's actually a very nice
opium pipe. We need to take.
Yeah, classic clarinet. All right, I'm out of here.
All right, see you. Guys, we'll see you.
Next year. Yeah, next.
Year.