Right now, here's the real question.
What were you into it? I know what I am.
I'm an animal. I need the threat of punishment.
You need somebody else to care, is what you're saying.
I need somebody to punish me. You need me to be your Abby, is
what you're saying? I want you to punish me.
Well, well. We need to get like a lifestyle
guru on here that helps us get into like the mental state.
Maria Menounos. Yeah, actually we had, we had
the idea of stealing her guests like like over and over.
Every guest she has on. But she might be the shortcut
because she's spoken to all of her guests.
She might have gleaned something from them.
Like us, we now know about everything from astrology to
animal ology. I've learned nothing.
I've learned fucking nothing. But I, I was thinking like I, I
went to that psychiatrist, I got my, my prescription.
Oh nice. I haven't gotten you're fixed
yet. I'm sort of fixed.
I went to the doctor yesterday and I was like, I want Vyvanse
and and they yeah, being the biggest Yeah.
And the doctor lady was like. We just call them doctors.
Not me. You can just say doctor, she
said. Lady Doctor.
Well, this lady doctor was like, the health insurance doesn't
typically cover Vyvanse. They tried.
They want you to get on cheaper stuff, 'cause it's so expensive.
Yeah, 'cause I got crappy health insurance.
So she was like, what I can do is I can give you something
where you take, you just take it twice during the day.
And so when it starts to teeter off, you can take more of it.
And Abby chimes in. She's like, actually, we really
like Vyvans. I was like, hold on a second,
babe, what was that? You said you're going to give me
double the amount of pills for one month and I can take them
whenever I feel like it. Two generics?
Yeah, that equals 1 Vyvanse I think.
I think so too, because I have such a like a chopped up day.
I do, I like wake up kind of late and I work until 5:00 and
then I'm like dad in the middle of my day, you know, from like
5:00 to 9:00 I'm like frolicking around being a parent.
And then I come, I, I crawl back down into my dungeon and it
would be cool like 8:00 PM, take my second pill and.
Are you going to sleep? They only last like 4 hours or
something like that. I would come down here and I'd
be a whirling dervish of creativity.
Yeah. I like that phrase.
I've never heard that. I don't.
I don't really know what it means, but I.
Do I don't know, My mom used to say that all the time.
She'd be like, it's probably racist.
Then. Probably.
You're like one of those crazy whirling dervishes.
Peanut made me second guess myself when I was like, I
haven't seen you in a coon's age.
He was like, what? Now?
She was like, you need to check if that's racist.
I was like, I hadn't even considered it.
But she would always tell me on Friday she'd be like, now
tomorrow morning, we're going to wake up and we're going to be a
whirling dervish. We're going to clean this entire
house. And I'm like, I don't really
know what that means. She's like, I think they're
people that, like, spin around. And that's what I imagined
myself. Doing.
As I dust the shelves, I'll spin around.
It's a bad word for people from Tasmania.
Oh my God. On a whirling dervish.
Yeah, yeah. That's cool, derogatory or
something like that, but it's just one of those.
Things now you're going to pass that to your kids.
Yeah, Especially once I look it up and see if it's racist.
If it is, I'll be like, nobody's going to call you on this.
You'll be able to slip it in. Oh my.
God and just whip this out really quick and see if oh it is
a oh. What?
Look it up, Jamie. They're members of the the
Mevlevi Order in Turkey. OK.
Let's see, whirling dervish offensive Reddit.
Yeah, don't go to Reddit, dude. They'll tell you anything's
offensive. No.
Good. It says, well, not generally
offensive. Using it to basically describe
them as like a touristic show can be disrespectful to the
spiritual significance of the the Whirling Dervishes, but I
think you're in the clear. OK, Yeah, what if I'm just using
it for like an overall like the amount of stamina I'm going to
have? Because they seem to be.
A compliment. I think so too, yeah.
I want the energy of a whirling dervish.
I think they would take that as a compliment.
It's cool, I'm going to use that now.
OK, now that we've I've. Cleared it so far from a
whirling dervish because I took a melatonin last night.
Big mistake. I don't know, It's like they
don't make me fall asleep any faster and then I wake up just
like, but a little bit of a whirling dervish.
I woke up and it was thunderstorming, so I sprinted
to the basement and there's more water.
Did. Laps did laps to wake up.
Yeah, just a quick splash around on the face.
Every, every irresponsible parent I know, they go, oh, I
love melatonin 'cause it just knocks my kids out 'cause like
doing putting your kids to bed is the worst part of your day as
a parent. And I've always felt like
parents that rely on it like they just melatonin their kid up
every day, like after dinner. I think it's kind of fucked up
to mess mess with your kids brain chemistry like that.
So. Binky and some bourbon.
Well, I there was instances where I was like, they need to
go to bed bad. And so I will give them
melatonin here and there. And I've stopped doing it
because it just turns them into that.
Like you know how you wake up and you're like, oh, I'm like
groggy for a kid. They don't understand why
they're groggy. So they just wake up full with a
gut full of hate and they wake up like just mad at the world
and you. Know how I woke up like a like
an angry child? Yeah.
I have the worst fucking morning of all time.
My parents would just hold my nose and cover my mouth and then
I'd just wake up the next day. There was a fucking kid that
died at a daycare doing that like.
His breath. No, not well, technically his
press held. Yeah.
They they were like, you need to take a nap.
He wasn't taking a nap. So they just like, I think they
just piled up stuff on top of them.
They laid them face down and then they just they like wrapped
them in sheets and then until he died there.
I get on Reddit now and it's horrific stories like that.
Like anytime I see like a kid that gets injured doing
something, it's it hits different when you're a parent
and they were like the, that Hyundai, Have you seen that
Hyundai accident where like a kid got crushed by like a
mechanical 3rd row Abby's? Like we, we need the, I need a
new car. Her car's like 10 years old or
something like that and she wants some fucking mom mobile
where like moms don't want minivans anymore because that's
what, 90s moms? They want big SU VS.
Yeah, she wants like a troop transport carrier from Vietnam.
She wants this giant ass like expedition or something.
You guys have two kids. Yeah, what the hell does she
need to tote around? You could get a coupe be fine.
Honestly, we could, yeah. I think my favorite vehicle
we've had was my old Civic, and it fit everybody just fine.
But I'm scared, I'm scared. Those big ass cars, they got all
sorts of like mechanical. In the back of your van.
Empty van. There's nothing mechanical in
the back of that van. Nothing back there that can
crush them. Nothing.
And I don't know like some of these those.
Seatbelts that could cut off airflow or anything.
Nothing like. That no headrests that they
could bang their head on. Kids do something so annoying in
my car right now. It's such a like a funny little
way to fuck with with somebody. But Abby's car headrests, like
they, they ratchet like you can push them forward to adjust
them. And so when I'm not in the car,
they push mine all the way forward.
And I'll sit like this for like an hour and then I'll realize,
like, did somebody fuck with my headrest God?
And they'll be like, yeah, it's fucking funny.
It's so funny. If you got in a crash, the
airbag would just. It would probably make your head
pop off. Yeah, and that would the airbag
would crush my lower jaw and then they would have a chinless
dad. And I'd say with this hairline,
no chin, you're going to have a fucking a worm of a dad and
that's your fault. They'd be like that looks the
same to me. What if an airbag shot all your
hair off though? You know what?
That, that, that would be really scary.
I was talking with Abby. I was like, I think it would be
really funny because, you know, as time goes on, I you go, oh,
fuck, we picked the totally wrong name for this podcast.
I think this podcast name sucks. I think it would be really funny
to go get a hair transplant and then just name it like, guys,
it's no longer Red Fables. OK?
Or at what? That doesn't make any sense.
My hairline's perfect. I would go.
It would just be like normal. For that show you should just
get a big wig that goes really deep.
The Steven Seagal the. Beatles.
You get the Steven Seagal thing where it's just like, felt it
goes. Down to here Tattoo tattoo.
Hairline, tattoo hairline for guys that have like kind of thin
ones, they like kind of feel like no, just get it all the way
down, like way down here. What's that called God where it
goes down in a point? A widow's peak.
I want the Vegeta. I want the Vegeta.
Hairline Tattoo? Yeah, that would be awesome.
My brother has a widow's peak. Why didn't I get graced with
that? I don't know if it's always a
grace. I've seen that recently, dude,
look in the the looks maxing world.
You know, when we were when the whole world was all about that,
I was, I was like looking into it and like one of the biggest
downsides of hairlines, like people were talking about, hey,
you have a receding hairline. At least it's not a widow's
peak. Is that bad?
Is a widow's peak bad? I think it's such a you look
like a vampire that's. Cool.
Yeah, I, I don't know, you know, I think.
Dracula's always getting pussy. People want to look more uniform
or something these days. You look at Hollywood, you don't
see any widow's peaks anymore. What does the law have one?
Or maybe he's just got weird. No, he's got the receding that
turns it into like a widow's peak, but it's more like a
double cul-de-sac or something. False widow's peak?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure my grandpa had a widow's peak.
I think Widow speaks. That's a cool look.
Then again, what's weird about looks maxing is that they have
like a like a homogenized view of what they think of.
An objective scale. Yeah, there's like a spreadsheet
where they go like you have to look like this.
And I'm like, I would kill to just look like Willem Dafoe.
Like that's my ideal if I could look like I want to look like a
freak, but also a guy where you're just like like if, if
Willem Dafoe was in a crowd, your.
Dreams might be closer. No, I'm too like baby faced, you
know what I mean? Like I want to look like.
Good interest, I think you have your own unique look.
I want when you see me in a crowd, I want you to go.
Like, I can't take my eyes off that guy.
I don't know if he's like a proto human.
I don't know what's going on, but I've never seen a human that
looks like that. You're, I think, on the
opposite, where you look like a guy from the future.
You look like you're from another planet.
Yeah. They want the humans from
Wall-e. No, no, no, not that kind of
future. I'm just saying, like you, I
don't think people look at you and go caveman.
They look at you and they're like, he's hiding something.
He's got a lot of secrets. Like, I don't know, I think you
look very wise. Good, because I've been working
on my my hand steeple. I do that a lot.
Is that apparently? That helps.
When you do that and then hands behind the back, I think is
also. I love walking around, hands
behind the back. I think it makes me look very,
very wise and like I know something.
If you're going around a museum, it just makes it look like I'm
not just staring at the breasts on all the paintings.
I'm like what? I don't like about the hands
behind back. Have have you heard this trend
of of catching print? No women have devised a meth.
It's not women. Actually the original tutorial
video is a 4 minute video from a gay guy describing how you can
determine a guy's penis length based on the front of his pants.
Oh, and hands behind back it is you are such an authority figure
that way, but you're really leaving the print open for full
interpretation. I think whatever women are doing
here, this gay guy, this guy should be you should be haunted
down. I think.
OK, I don't want to say that on the podcast, but.
Show cock confidence if you have hands behind the back, even if.
But what if they're catching print and they're accurate?
OK, I feel like this this should be illegal.
This is a breach of my personal space to look at my penis area.
Hates more than hearing about some new thing called catching
print because it's just. But I've devised a method that,
like, I think I can tie a rubber band around my knee and then and
then tie the end of the rubber band around the head of my penis
and pull my penis down my my thigh.
And so then if someone's catching print, they'll be like,
whoa, he might be a lot way longer than he actually is.
Yeah. Purple in the face.
Yeah. My my.
My legs sticking out of my shorts is blue on one side.
It's lost all circulation. I.
Actually wore shorts that day and your penis head is purple.
Little bit of blood going down the line.
Guys from the future, yeah. Yeah, but the links I have to go
to because these people have figured out stuff that they
shouldn't be figuring out. OK, Yeah.
What whatever happened to the just the simple grace by pantast
or something? Yeah, and what happened to just
the mystique of like the theatre of the mind just assuming what
it looks like? The unknown.
I think it's way cooler to look at me and just assume I have a
big penis than actually like, verifying with your eyes and
your science and your technology and your catchers.
Seeing my penis or measuring it or.
Yeah, I know you see what it looks like, but wait until you
feel how it is, OK? It's actually about the motion
in the ocean at the size of the wave.
Yeah. Yeah, having little catch
phrases like that can do wonders if you guys out there have a
micro penis or something. Hey, dear audience, we know you
guys are probably wanting some catch phrases.
Yeah, I can't think of any others.
I don't need them. Yeah.
I just need a. You might want to stand back a
couple feet. Like you're about to open a cage
with a dangerous animal in it Back up.
You ever see one of those snakes in a thing of peanuts or
whatever? Peanuts.
Yeah. I've got nothing, nothing going
on down there. That catching print thing, I saw
it and I was like, whoa, I hope this video doesn't get out.
And then I got on TikTok the next day and it's all anybody
was talking about. I was like, no, no, no, he's
gone, no. Please.
God, yeah. So I've started wearing my kilt
a lot. I've started wearing lots of
crazy patterns on the front of my pants because immediately.
Patterns, yeah. Yeah, I have a pants with the
pattern of a large penis going numb in front shadow.
Yeah, no, I was like, let's verify if this is true.
I went in the bathroom, looked down.
I was like, oh God. Oh God, it doesn't work.
Fuck, what do you you just tell me what does that even mean?
Catching. Just look at the penis and see
if there's. OK, there's if you're looking at
like the profile of the front of a pair of pants with a zipper on
it, the the way that the zipper folds is indicative of the penis
and balls behind it. And he goes through a full and
he this is the worst part. He equates it to women's breast
size, as if guys ever look at women's closed breasts and see
how big they are. That's grotesque that even
assuming we would do that and objectify women that way.
I see a woman with A cups and a woman with double GS next to
each other and I go. I wonder which one has the big
breasts. I can't wait to get the bra off.
I have no idea which. I go it's more about the milk.
Yeah, it's more about the motion of the A cups and the more about
the. Frothiness and the milk and the
size of the mountain. Yeah, and anyways, this guy
breaks it down like if if the front of the pants looks like
this, this is an A cup. If the front of the pants looks
like this is AB cup. And most guys are in between,
B&C says. I'm not going to Twitchcon this
year. Yeah, dude, there's going to be
some fucking you. Stand sideways real quick, I'm
at my back to every wall. Yeah, take the picture of my
back. Yeah, now when I do photos with
viewers, I'm going to be turned around.
Yeah, actually you can tell from the underside too.
My legs are going to be closed. That's a romance.
Why? If your pictures are just like,
hey, yeah, You know, we were. Me and Dugo were workshopping
some merch. We were going to get a custom
Fanny pack with a slot for a penis.
So you can put your penis inside the Fanny pack for whatever
reason, you know, just to let it breathe.
You know, if you just want to uncage it first.
Scary. Yeah, but that might be able to.
You try catch and print on that. We got our fucking.
We got our penis out. When are we going to do some
merch workshop? I got this idea for a belt.
It's very similar idea I. Don't mean to fucking bring it
up in front of the people, but we talked in January about doing
it in quarter one. It's the it's fucking May or
it's April. I'm sorry.
We never. We never did it.
Well, that's why, you know, it's just good to bring it up every
once in a while. That's the extent of the work we
do is like we talk about maybe doing it in the future, but no,
we need to sit down and do some awesome, awesome.
Shockingly free. You just tell me a day, but
here's an idea. I already posted this on Twitter
once, but belt shaped like a penis on the part that you tuck
into the thing. That way when you're out of
urinal, you pull it out and you hold your penis behind it.
That way in peripheral vision, you know, you get its skin tone
matched. Yeah, it looks like you have a
big penis. Also if I could but.
It only works from one side, so you always have to go all the
way at the end of the urinal. Could I make an adjustment to
this design? The backside of the belt must be
liquid resistant because there is a chance, since you're
holding them parallel with each other, that your stream of piss
glances off the back of your belt and you don't want it to be
saturated. Well, yeah, in a keen eye, if
they were like going to look, they'll see penis belt and then
they'll see the piss stream coming way before the belt ends.
Yeah. I'm assuming you know if you
don't have a strong stream. Yeah.
If you're a leaker. Is there like a is there like a
exercise you can do to make sure you're not a leaker for the
folks at home that are? I'm just wondering I.
Don't really know what kegels are but maybe some.
OK, male kegels floor exercise. Because there was a time where I
used to be able to blast the porcelain off the inside of that
toilet and I'm just saying it's weaker now.
I'm not saying I'm a dribbler, but I'm somewhere in between
that and a full on pressure Walker.
I think if you just drink a lot of liquids, every time I piss I
have a full piss so it's always blasting.
Really. I never just piss a little.
I have one of these every two days.
That's the only liquid I drink. I'm a little worried about I
think I'm just like the most hydrated guy ever but I don't go
to doctors so there's a chance I don't know.
Like what's normal amount of piss 10 times a day every?
Hour. No, not every hour.
Once a you know, like a couple times a day.
I'd say like 3 * a day. It's pretty normal.
Maybe 4. How many times do you piss?
I know once an hour, every waking moment of the day.
Christ, probably like, that's crazy. 13 times a day. 13 That's
more than like so much sleep. How about how many times do you
have a bowel movement in a day? Twice.
You poop twice a day. Yeah, three times if something's
crazy. That's like a fetish at that
point, dude. Fetish wrong with you?
Yeah, it's I. Mean I just poop if I got a
little bit of poop in me Well, this weekend I.
Go poop that much dude. You're into it at that point,
dude. No, no, no Fetish was yesterday
and the day before I had a I had a weekend where I went to
Nashville and forgot that I'm old and my body doesn't work the
same so I drink a lot of beers and I ate mainly Jack's pizzas
and smash burgers and I poop probably 20 times in the last
two days. That's offense.
But every time it was just like. He's loving it.
Yeah, it wasn't like really pooping and it burned and I
didn't have any wet wipes or anything, so I don't want to get
into too much gruesome detail, but I try to wet a little bit of
piece of toilet paper and then it would shred up on the asshole
and then there'd be paper everywhere and be itchy and
burning. But.
That's gross. I digress.
I don't know what you can really do about that.
Paper towel maybe, but then you have to throw it in the trash
can and. If you're bringing paper towels
into the equation, you need. You need to get in the shower
afterwards, yeah. Have you ever had a shits of
every you just turn on the shower and just hop in?
You're like, I don't, I don't care how much I wipe.
There is no like cleaning like like it's become aerosolized or
something like it feels like it's creeping up your body.
Yeah, it's certainly cost me a lot of money in toilet paper.
Yeah, might as well just get the hose.
Yeah. I've started doing psyllium
husk. Oh my God.
Like Metamucil? I don't know what what do.
What are you saying? These things you take.
You take a scoop of Metamucil. Is Metamucil like Mucinex?
No, no, Metamucil. It's, it's like a, it's like a
just a fiber supplement and you put it into a glass and then you
put like 12 ounces of water. You drink it and in your stomach
it balloons up, it gets huge and then it just moves through and
it it when you poop, when you poop it out, it will clean you
out and you won't even have to fucking wipe on God.
You'll do one wipe just because you're civilized, but you won't
have to do a second one. You'll do that one wipe.
It'll be completely clean toilet paper and you'll say job's done
and you'll walk down you're. Going to get overconfident.
You're going to start not doing that.
First wipe no, I'll do that first wipe because it's just
it's baked into the human condition.
Once you sit down you you always have to wipe after pooping.
You're a psycho if you just go with hopes and dreams, hoping
that you don't have to wipe, and then you don't even do a tester.
I'm not an animal. Yeah, not an animal, you know.
Awesome. Yeah, I know.
You should try that stuff out. If you're over the age of 30,
you should definitely try that. I've been seeing colorectal
cancer that's on the rise. Guys, It's taking us out.
It's because all of our food sucks.
Our food's really bad in this country.
This guy was just eating smash burgers and diarrhea or
something like that on his little trip.
That's not good for your tum tum.
There's no vegetables in that. Is that cool?
It it's this has turned into like the most old man episode
yesterday. We need to be checking each
other's colons more. Yeah, we need to just keep it
clean down there. How do you even check for cola?
Cola, you know I'm going. To.
Tell you health insurance super expensive and I'm sure a lot in
in this country it's almost kind of an issue so if you guys want
to go ahead put a camera up your ass take a picture send it into
the e-mail for. The podcast we'll.
Examine it, We'll examine it, see if you have any polyps or
anything. That's just our duty to our.
Duty. To our audience, to our This is
only for patrons, of course, but yeah, we'll give you a full
colorectal exam free of charge. Yeah.
And we'll, we'll rank them. You could win cash prize if you
have the cleanest asshole. You know, they have instead of
like a colonoscopy where they put your ass up in the air and
then pump you full of air and then go in there and look with a
little a doc on. Yeah, dude, they, I thought.
They just put a camera straight up.
No, no, no, first you take like you can't eat anything for like
a day and you take like this weird magnesium thing that makes
you just shit water and and then once you're completely cleaned
out, you go and they put your ass way up in the air.
They put your head down on the pillow.
How far and way up, dude, all the way up like a yoga pose.
That asshole is straight up in the air.
And then they and then they do they.
See your penis while you do this or do you get to that's?
What they fucking hold on to to make sure you don't back away
from the the fucking Doc Ock arm that they have Doctor
completely. You under or something or?
You maybe I pay extra so I say like.
I can take it. I go, give me those anesthetics
to go. I'll use those on my free time
when I'm watching a movie or something.
But then they fill your entire body up with air, they blow you
up, and they blow your intestines up like it's a
fucking balloon. Like a party animal.
Whether they just blow on your thumb or something.
No, I they may spread your pudgings and blow in there No,
they take like an air compressor, like they're filling
up a bike tire and they. Can't be the medical procedure.
Well, they have names for it like medical names for it, but
it's essentially a bike pump and they fill up your ass and then
they have their doc Ock arm with a camera.
It goes in there and looks around.
But if that's too invasive for you, if you're not, if you, if
you're, if you're a little bit vanilla and that doesn't sound
appealing, there is an alternative that I found.
And it's a little pill. And by little, I mean it's huge.
It's like the biggest pill you've ever seen, but it has a
camera in it and you swallow it and it takes pictures of every
like 30 seconds. I think it takes a photo as it
goes down and and then you poop it out, you fish it out of your
poop and then you send it into the lab and they get all the
images off of it and they send it to you.
And so you get a full line up of of images.
You can like make like a hyperlapse of going through your
whole body. And I wanted to get one of
those, buy one, get the images and then make that like a. 3D
environment I. Was going to say like a a loop
like a GIF or something that I could play as like a be right
back screen or something on on stream just me like eating the
camera and then it. Survives the whole.
Yeah, it survives the whole trip.
It's made out of like hard plastic.
That's Jesus Christ. I don't actually don't know
which one's worse. Well, but I'm worse.
I don't, I don't like the pill way because I don't I don't get
my ass put up in the air with a bike pump in it.
Yeah, but you can probably do both.
Yeah, I like, does the camera, does it keep taking pictures
like right after you poop it out, like up from the toilet
bowl? Yeah, it gets a picture of me.
The last picture is me with fucking shit all over my face
holding. The pill.
Oh shit, I forgot about this thing.
The audio recording. Come on, come.
On get out, get out. I've got to see how big that
pill is. Dude, it looks like it's like
that. It's like a big swallow.
I think I. Think it's stuck stuck.
Somewhere. What do you mean?
Dude? I've had fucking bigger bites of
of food. Just regular food.
Breaks down seeing the pill just goes through your whole body is
a big pill. Yeah.
I think I'm just going to like, I just think I'm not going to
get colon cancer and I'm just going to risk it.
You and everybody else in this generation, if you guys weren't
so fucking uptight and would just put your ass up in the air
and get filled up by a doctor, you would.
Be you'd be. Alive and you'd be safe.
I think I just need a little bit of like, not foreplay, but I
need to find a doctor that I'm comfortable with for a little
bit and like break bread. Yeah, actually I don't want to
know. I just kind of want it to be.
Yeah, yeah, I guess I don't. Even want to see who's doing it,
'cause, 'cause then I don't want to, like, see them go through
the whole thing. And then I'm at the grocery
store and I look over and he's like, he lives in the same town
as me. Just run into him again.
Yeah. He's just like, I've.
I've been in all up in you. I've been so fucking far up in
you. Yeah.
I guess you're probably right. I remember I had to get a
physical in high school for soccer and it was like the first
time I've been to a doctor and forever and his the one doctor
in the town and he was like, I remember you when you were a
little kid and like, oh God, he's like, now take your pants
off, let me hold your balls. And he kept trying to make like
jokes and be like, well, this part's a little awkward and I
just want to be like shut off, please.
Just he was just being too casual about it.
I didn't like that he he's like, you've really grown up.
I'm like, what are? You stop.
Yeah, Please stop. Please, please please just stop.
Let's just blitz through this part of the appointment without
you saying a fucking word and then we can get back to small
talk once my penis is back in my pants.
I print checked you when you walked in and I'm not surprised
by the smallness of your penis so that your pants are down.
I'm a doctor. Yeah.
Yeah, I know. I don't want to go to a doctor,
however he can't make me. I really do.
I'm going to get a full. We'll check in some point.
We'll. When was the last time you were
at a doctor? For a non-emergency, yeah,
probably. When that guy touched my balls,
I've like only been to like if I like when I broke my hand, I
went or I go to an optometrist every year, but they don't.
We need to start offering health insurance through this this
podcast. I have health insurance.
I've been paying for it. Oh, you.
Just don't go to the doctor. Three years.
Dude. Yeah, I'm just like.
Heavy makes me go every fucking like 2.
Months heavy 1 making me to go and I'm like I have this fear of
not really fear of doctors, but I just yeah, I'm so busy.
I just don't want to go. This is never seems like a good
time to go. I think it's one of the.
It's like if it's. Just some.
Schrodinger's cat. It's like Schrodinger's body.
Like, there's nothing wrong with me right now, but if I go to a
doctor, they're going to be like, holy shit, you needed to
come to us years ago. Yeah.
Which is a really stupid mindset because I've had a lot of people
in my family where they've been told that where they're like,
oh, you're going to die because you didn't come to a doctor a
while ago. I I think some blood work once
you hit 30 is probably a good idea.
I've got. Abby makes me go get blood work
all the time, and she's always like, analyzing and like, she's
really pissed, though, because her cholesterol is super high
and she eats, yeah, she eats like a fucking like a rabbit.
She just eats like, little salads and nuts and stuff.
And then I'm over here slamming just disgusting food and my
cholesterol is perfect. I feel like they're going to be
disgusted by me. What they find, they're going to
be. Surprised.
Dude, when I was at the doctor's office, I smelled a guy come in.
I smelled his presence when he walked in the the lobby.
And they see a lot. Worse, But yeah.
And I, I just went like, this guy's gross, gross little dude.
Oh. You know what, I'll make a
'cause that's another thing. It's like you don't have
deadlines with this stuff. Maybe I need some of those
Vyvans, but if I don't have a deadline for something, I just
have no motivation to do it. But I'll set 1 here.
I'll go to a doctor before July. Well, I get, you know, it's
probably like hard to get a appointment and they probably
push it back. And then if I on the podcast in
July and I still haven't been, you can, I don't know, kill me
or something, dock my pay or something that'll punish me.
You don't care that much. No, I need to care and I need.
I need the. Threat of punishment?
You need somebody else to care, is what you're saying.
I need somebody to punish me. You need me to be your Abby, is
what you're saying? I want you to punish me.
I need to be. I need the threat of looming
punishment. Well, well, there's going to be
a lot of tension in here. You can do any punishment that
you see fit. Put me in a big metal bowl,
light it on fire, you know? You know what?
I'm just looking at the painting behind you.
That's a great way of diverting. Catching print is just having a
a glove hang. Like just be like, these are my
this is where I keep my gloves. I have a little glove holder
right in front of my penis. That guy's damn near naked.
I have no idea. How small his penis is, but you
don't know how hard. How?
Sorry. How big it is hard.
Yeah. And I think I think it is big.
It could be hanging all the way down his thigh because of the
glove, you know, catching it. Yeah, that's why I wear, I
mainly wear black jeans. Maybe I should just dress like
I'm always on my way to do like a Greco Roman wrestling meet up
and I have a athletic cup in I. Mean you could use the classic
get a three ring binder and hold it in front of you while you're
walking everywhere. You can just start carrying
around a little binder. It's got all the podcast stuff
in it, all your documents. Oh my God wait what?
Dugo sent me a message I was making sure it wasn't an
important. It's a it's a screen cap from
Reddit and it says legal. It's from legal advice UK.
It says my son pleasured himself in front of Jim and I live with
the camera. My entire family is at our
Google accounts banned. No puts Gemini live. 15 years of
business, completely inaccessible.
Everything on our Google Drive, all of our family's Google
accounts have linked to that tablet.
He did it on the family tablet. Oh.
Yeah, what? OK, so, oh, he, they, they had
all the, the like adult stuff banned from the tablet, but he
was using Google Gemini to search for adult stuff and then
he was then jacking off from the the search results through
Gemini. What?
Do you mean Jim, like just Google's AI?
Yeah, you can't jerk off by looking up porn and.
I don't know, I I guess like going to Gemini and being like
show me some of some huge tits like right, dude, that's
awesome. That's.
Watching him. I don't know.
I guess. I guess maybe he had his camera
on. It was like, OK.
Am I doing this right Gemini? Find me some.
Just find me some a little bit sexier.
You see my penis getting harder? Clearly not into this.
Jim and I, I'm getting soft. You need to up your ball.
Game. Jim and I need you to
acknowledge and learn from your mistakes.
I'm getting soft. Don't ever show me something
like that ever again. Go to result page 50.
Couldn't skip the hard part over.
You know what, at first I was like, that's so shameful.
And then now I'm like, that kid's a genius dude.
The the future is now that guy's, he's got like a a porn
assistant where he's like, I'll sit back and do the hard part,
OK, I'll do the jerking off. How much faster do you get porn
addiction if you're using AI to help sculpt your porn?
Means I want the AI to be my my porn secretary.
I want. I can't.
Turn off without my AI assistant guiding me.
What? I got to look up my own porn.
This is the fucking stone ages. 20 years, Jim and I always knows
what I want. You're telling his wife like, I
just want to try something new. Amazon Alexa, talk her through
it. Don't worry, Sam, I know exactly
how you like it. That's awesome.
Yeah, that is awesome. At first I thought it was really
sad, and then now I'm I've totally flipped around and I
think this guy rocks. Yeah, he's 14.
He's Scottish too. That's so cool.
Yeah. Oh shit.
You have a video you wanted to show me.
Is it time for that or should we wait a little bit?
I do have an awesome video. You want to see it?
It's I found this guy. He is a stand up comedian and I
think this was sent in to my e-mail and I should find the guy
really quick. I think he did.
He said your names and the Epstein files, I think is what
he messaged me. Is this the guy Tab?
I think his name is. Anyways, he sent me.
He sent me this guy and he goes. You should check this guy out.
His name's Sylvester the jester. OK, I like that he's he's like a
little stand up comedian guy, but this guy has insane.
He's like Carrot Top if Carrot Top.
Oh my God, is he like the one that does cartoonish?
Yes. Have you seen him?
Yes. Yeah, I'm going to.
Awesome. OK, I didn't realize you've seen
it, but I'm going to play a little bit of it for the
audience at home so you can check out some of these.
If I could have some of these visual gags.
Oh my God, yeah, I can't see my. Dream.
Girl, this guy rocks. He's got the fake teeth from
like the mask. He's got the roll out tongue.
He has everything. The Zootsu these, that's
incredible. The binoculars that have a roll
down face and eyeballs poking at.
I want any of these things. So bad.
Yeah, Any of them. I'll take any of them.
Is there any way to turn this down so it's not like the
loudest thing in the world? It's more of a visual.
Yeah, I love how it's also like 6 1/2 minutes long.
It feels like an eternity. It is the longest set.
I don't know how he does it, but it's like annoyingly long.
But he has. He's got smoke that comes out of
his ears. He's like a dying art.
Yeah, this guy rocks. So here's the crazy part about
this guy. Yeah, hold on.
There's somebody at my front door.
OK, go do that because I have something else to show you.
It was the the crackhead. And I told him I was like, hey,
man, I just don't come around here anymore.
And he was like, OK, that's thanks, man.
April Fools. It was just a package.
OK. It's part of my new war on the I
have those bees that drill into wood.
Oh, Carpenter bees, Yeah. And they're destroying my house,
so I've bought, I don't know, cork spray.
Well, we kind of go up there and then you poke them up behind
them. I'm going to spray them and I'm
going to putty over it and then I also I just bought like a one
of those masks that has a lot of filters on it and stuff.
I just think they look kind of cool and IA.
Mask with a filter. Like it's one of those like, you
know, you see people in there like painting a room or
something. It's because I got it like a big
thing of bee killer spray and I just don't trust myself enough.
Like, I think I'm going to try to put it in there and it's
going to spray right back in my face.
Yeah, I tried to clean my gutters the other day.
I got up on the ladder, the leaf blower, and the ladder wasn't
tall enough and it was super windy out.
So it's kind of like, woah. And I'm like, oh, I'm just going
to give it one big spray and see if anything comes out.
And I held up and I sprayed into the gutter.
It was so windy that just like a year's worth of dust and pollen
and leaves just went up and then blew right into my face and
almost knocked me off the ladder.
And I've been sneezing for like 2 days since.
So I thought like wow, this mask could be cool.
Probably these bees are, I mean, they're just incredibly fast.
I've tried to bought one of those.
They're big enough. I bought one of those salt so I
think I said this before. I think I was excited when I
bought that. If I hit one of those bees point
blank it just pisses him off Doesn't matter.
Yeah, that's you need a bigger gun, you're going to need like
an elephant rifle. I'm going to need maybe even
bigger April Fools. An elephant rifle would be
perfect. I've been waiting to just say
April Fools this whole time, but there's not really been a good
opportunity. But.
Yeah. It's April Fools, right?
Now it is April Fools. I forgot about that.
Well, see, and I was hoping you forgot.
So I was, I was like, I got to think of a really good one, but
nothing. I told my girlfriend this
morning that our vacation got cancelled and she was like on
the verge of tears like April Fools.
It's not even like a good joke. It's just I, I couldn't think of
anything. I was going to tell her that my
family died in a car crash or something.
That's but. My my favorite ones are like
Youtubers that always go like hey guys I'm quitting April
fools fuck off dude. Like fuck off like every shitty
YouTube does that is like their big April fools thing.
It's like I'm quitting. You'll be really careful on
Twitter today. If you didn't notice April
Fools, you've already probably got GOT.
Yeah, probably. Fake movie trailers and stuff.
Yeah, I had. No, I had no idea.
I haven't even been online yet. I've just been kind of.
Like I am really bad. I love April Fools but I am
terrible. I think I told my mom last year
that I sold a video of my little sister doing drugs at a party
and she was like, Oh my God, April Fools and yeah, nobody
ever. Finds your little sister like
10. No, she's like 15 but I'm like
she was at an alcohol party and I saw a video.
On. Snapchat and her, she was doing
like a line of drugs and my mom was like, I'm going to her room
right now. I saw my little sister
freebasing. She was, she had a spoon and she
was cooking up, ha. Ha and.
After your mom beats me on. The belt you just hung up and
I'm like, oh shit, I forgot because I got I had something
else I had to do. I can't wait to call her after
this. Hey, hip died April fools.
Ha ha, I saw a video of your husband.
He was banging hookers April fools.
It's just funny because it's, it's like a gift of for one
second you're really scared or angry, and then I take it all
away. I take all the pain away and
you're you're back and. Then.
And then you're just mad at you, Yeah.
Yeah, I'll take it. I'll take the pain and the
anger. Put it on me.
What am I looking at here? OK, so I saw Sylvester the
gesture and I was like, OK, this guy rocks.
This guy that was just like he saw the movie.
Coolest things happen. He was like, I'm going to make
my entire life the mask. And then me and Bizzle looked up
Sylvester thejester.com. He has a website.
His website fucking rules. Look at this website.
It's awesome. It's, I mean, everything he I've
seen from him, which is that one video on this website now.
Perfect. Well, look at that.
Daffy Duck gave him a review. A masterpiece.
Whimsical. Johnny Carson.
Lots of unique stuff. Johnny Carson like the how old
is this guy? Did Johnny Carson?
Real reviews of Daffy Duck. No, Daffy Duck actually said
that about him. Yeah.
Anyways, he has a shop here, right?
Share this tab instead. Oh shit, yeah, share this tab
instead. OK, so he has a, he has a wacky.
Factory. And it's called the Wacky
Factory, which by the way, this whole art thing, this rocks.
And it says the Wacky Factory is going through some retooling.
Stay tuned. He has.
So from this I was able to find, he does have a YouTube channel
called Sylvester the Jester. And in it, he has advertisements
for the products that used to be on the Wacky Factory.
Oh my God, it was at props. He has a fucking, it's a little
Acme box this big and it's super thin and you pull out of it an
entire 2 handed mallet that just like spring loads out-of-the-box
and you could buy it from the store until he stopped selling
it. He's gone through some health
problems recently and so he's like, I have like stage 3 lung
cancer or something like he's done.
And I'm like, dude, you need to reopen the wacky factory, OK.
That is, I was so pumped seeing like maybe some future merch
that I could buy from this guy, like a big zoot suit or
something like that. And it just sucks to see like
one of my new found heroes is already gone, you know?
This is like if we lived in a world where there were still
apprentices and masters and stuff.
This is like a guy I would seek out and see if he would like
teach me. Yeah.
Before he's gone and we'd we'd bond, we'd become a little like
father and son I'm. Going to see if I can find,
let's see, Sylvester the gesture.
It's not apprenticeship, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Google please. Sylvester, the gesture.
Let's see if he has. I know he has like the his
little advertisement. So he has a a Slyville Slugger
bat. It's a vanishing baseball bat.
You can make it disappear. And then the giant mallet.
That's the cool one. OK, how do I show this thing?
Want those binoculars? Dude, the binoculars.
Doing that in front of your friends?
Yeah, just let me look at that. Mine come out and then
optionally having the mouth go is awesome.
It's. Like a generational joke.
Yeah. And like, old people would find
it funny, kids would. Everyone finds it funny.
Everyone loves cartoons, right? Well, everyone loves cartoon
based humor. Yeah.
If you did that in front of, I don't know even that I don't say
anything about that realtor you were telling me about, he'd
laugh. Hi there, I'm Dan Sylvester, and
you probably know me as Sylvester the Jester.
You could tell by the hat. Well, today I'm going to be for
something. What where'd Sylvester the
Jester go? Having slight technical
difficulties here. Hold on the.
Insto Mallet. Well, this is the same thing,
but it's gigantic. A gigantic Insto mallet.
Spectacular. Twice as much mallet for the
same amount of money. No, it's not.
It's the same. It's it's more money than the
old one. It's bigger, so but twice as
much mallet, but just as much fun.
I'm going to show you a new product today.
First, I'm going to show you an old product that's been on
market for a while, one of these in stone Mal.
I told there are lots of fun and you could kill somebody.
Listen to that's the best part great idea.
They're selling great. I thought, you know, bigger is
better. So that's why they came up with
this. Every bit is good and.
Dude. It's called the jumbo mallet or
giant mallet. Hey, you could kill something
really large with that. Tell me you don't want one of
those and. It comes dude, I've.
Got a foreign S? Regular mallet look at this here
inside of this box. Then you pull out.
Whoa. It's also another giant mallet.
And then you have that and. And here's the actual giant
mallet box. You could do it this way.
An instant mallet. Lots of fun.
Imagine. Unless you come on, stay.
Here ass. Oh, what if I got inside here
and then you take a a 10 foot pole?
No, it's not with another giant mallet.
Look at that boy, that one there, I mean.
Dude that is the greatest fucking thing you could ever
sell on a merchandise store. How the hell?
And I'm assuming he like makes these make, probably doesn't
make them himself, but this guy has to have a patent or
something like that. Does, I mean I don't know, does
like Bugs Bunny have these patents or like.
Bugs Bunny didn't actually make it though.
Still selling stuff like this. I don't know.
There has to be more cartoon gestures out there.
There has to be. I think the world needs them.
Especially in today's world. Yeah, yeah, cartoon.
Mallet. That's just a bunch of pictures
of my God damn cartoon mallet. I know man, AI has ruined how I
what? Do you even call that like
magician cartoon like cartoon magician tool?
Prop Sylvester digester giant mallet for sale Try to find one
on eBay before this episode comes out because.
Have you already looked? No, I'm.
I haven't even looked yet, but I'm assuming that you.
Better look before I start fucking searching.
Yeah, hey, well, only one of us has to have one, OK.
Just knowing that we have we can have access to it at any point.
Super important. Yeah, that guy, just, I don't
know, He just captured my little imagination in the news.
And then to find out he's sick. Yeah.
It's not bad. It's not good.
Yeah. He also has that hair, his hair
like you could tell it's like a little wig, a little hairpiece,
like puts it on and just have a. Perfect piece, even more
cartoony. Yeah.
Just like a master in his craft. And then also the when he's mad,
being able to shoot steam out of his ears, whatever he uses to do
that. Some way.
The suit's so big, he's got like contraptions everywhere.
And so he just has the zoot suit he's just got.
You know what's great too is that guy has nobody to like.
I, I like someone that just hyper specializes to the point
where they have no contemporaries.
I saw pictures of him on his travels on his website and he's
like, he doesn't hang out with stand up comedians because
they're, I mean, they don't even like Carrot Top, you know, and
Carrot Top's more of a stand up comedian than this guy.
This guy's like. Full For him, it'd be like
hanging out with an aunt. Yeah, he's so elevate, like
he's, I don't know, he's in a league of his own.
I saw pictures of him hanging out with a clown and I'm like,
that's as close as you can get. Is like hanging out.
It's. Like hanging out with a like a
Gibbon for him. Yeah, they got a party clown.
Yeah, they got some jokes. I like the nose squeeze, the
little flower little water shooter.
But this guy's all of his stuff is handmade.
Like, wait, he's not buying binoculars with eyes that blow
out the front of them. Smoking a joint with him and Jim
Carrey from The Mask and Daffy Duck and Bugs Money and Tom from
Tom and Jerry and Jerry Also. How would you feel?
I mean, this guy's got to be on the Mount Rushmore of cartoon
people. Yeah, but I think like his like
tagline was like the real life cartoon or something like that.
That's what he ate. So awesome.
It's pretty cool. Hit the nail on the head, dude.
I mean, yeah, I saw that one video and it's just like I just
turned off the world for a minute and just locked the hell
in. I didn't even think the like
this guy's probably got a website that looks awesome too.
Yeah, all the art on his website is so cool.
I love that. I don't even know what style of
art that is, but like the that weird like forced perspective
where like the head gets bigger. It was like really popular in
the 90s. It's awesome he's got to contact
him. Let's call him up.
Does he have his phone number on there?
We should e-mail him and be like when we do a merch store, like
can we shave it off yours? And it looked kind of similar.
And how did you do this? How did you make a website look
like this? Can you do our merch store?
They don't do this on like GoDaddy.
Yeah, I have no idea man. Don't know how he did it.
It looks like you could play games on it, too.
I'm looking at it still like it looks like it would have games.
Yeah. He's so he's.
Well, it's kind of scary. He's just got his phone number
on it. I might call.
Him later. He's been doing this for like a
long time too. Yeah, well, dude, he's got Danny
Duncan, Sylvester giving him testimonials.
Of course, he's been doing it long.
Time he's got the performer, the ACT performances slash awards,
the real bio. He's got a under the media
segment. He does have a video of him in
China and I always wondered like, how does a a guy like him,
how does he do in China? Does China eat that type of shit
up or they just don't seem like they're big in the comedy
circuit? He's the only son of the famous
husband and wife tag team wrestlers Martha the Mahler and
Professor Payne. He has like an awesome origin
story too. Wait.
Say that whole sentence again. Say that again.
That's the. Beginning of the tab after the
real bio called the Origin question mark.
That's the only son of the famous husband and wife tag team
wrestlers Martha the Mahler and Professor Payne.
The young Dan Sylvester learned to take his lumps at a tender
age, though brilliant as he was, is being walloped and pummeled.
When it came to dishing it out, poor Sylvester was a failure.
And worse yet, he barely, and worse yet, he barely topped 5
foot even into high school. It's kind of oddly written, but
he was tiny, too. Yeah.
OK. I That's exactly what I was
like. My God.
Maybe you should. He found work at the Acme Anvil
plant, where he continued to work until his little accident
in 83 that rendered him unconscious for nearly eight
years. Is this a real bio?
Are those really his parents? Yeah, he worked at the Acme
anvil plant. Wait.
That's legit the. Hospital staff, in a desperate
push to vacate the bed he occupied, tried out the
experimental drug. Reanimate them on the comatose
Sylvester upon which he bounded from the sheets.
Donda bedpan hat and chirped back to normal.
That's so awesome. I'm going to read this whole
he's from Ohio. He's got a real bio but it's
like he kind of leaves it up to you.
Like what is the real origin? All right, I'm done goofing now.
For real though, I worked at the Acme plant.
No, but. Seriously, they did use an
experimental drug on me. Just a just an awesome guy.
That's just, yeah, that's, I think it's so cool when people
do weird shit like this and put their whole heart and soul into
it. Yeah, I did see there is like a
photo of him in what looks like a garage where he has he's doing
all of his tinkering to make his little gizmos and gadgets.
I'm sure there's just a big cloud plume in the sound of like
saws and hammers drills. Yeah.
I'd love to see what his house looks like but it's fucking
crazy in there. Yeah, I bet you when he's using
like a hand saw, it makes the sound of like a pneumatic
ratchet. Like like just all sorts of
different tool noises while he's doing one thing.
When he opens his front door, he walks right in.
And when I try to, it's a painting.
Yeah. So cool.
I'm just trying to rob a guy that lives in a cartoon house.
Good luck. Yeah.
Bizzle was telling me there was like this old like Greek.
It was like a a story about these two Greek painters that
were having a competition to see who is the better painter.
And one of them it's. Just like mythology or?
No, it was apparent. Well, I don't know, it might be
made-up, but it was a they were real people.
And one of them at the at the competition one goes check it
out. Look at this.
This is my painting. And it was a it was a chicken
that he painted and it was so perfect.
It looked like it was alive. And then the other guy goes, OK,
we'll check out my painting. It's behind that curtain.
And the guy goes to pull the curtain back and it's a painting
of a curtain and it looks so real.
He tried to. Actually move it.
That's how he got him. He just gets so clowned on.
He did that. Oh, he should.
He should have painted a tunnel on the wall and said, yeah, go
check out my painting, dude, it's down there.
You better run because it's pretty far.
It's right down that hallway. Yeah, that is.
Absolutely. But the aura loss.
From trying to break back a fake curtain.
All your nails get ripped to shreds.
Is insane. I can't find purchase on this
curtain. Also the but that's so the.
Guy to be like it's right because that's an aura gamble
because if the guy had been like, yeah, it's a fucking
shitty painting of a curtain a. Shitty curtain you painted?
Yeah, that's awesome. It's so funny too, because like
you think like the the humans have evolved over time.
But like that, that's a Looney Tunes bit that was done in like
200 BC. I don't.
Believe in evolution. Don't put that those kinds of
words in my mouth. Yes.
I don't think humans evolved at all.
At all. I've seen a picture of my
grandpa and he wasn't a damn monkey.
So yeah, it is. It is comforting.
Like I think we talked about that with Doctor Garrett Ryan or
whatever. It's like people still make
jokes, you know? People are people.
Yeah. Little jests and Goofs 1.
Of the most common Roman graffitis was just a cock and
balls. They would just carve it and
everything. Which means that all those,
like, conscripted little Roman soldiers were just young dudes.
They're just dudes in their 20s going like hell yeah, carve a
cock and balls on this. And.
It's timeless. It's timeless.
Like I would say they were funny, but they weren't like as
funny as cartoons. But they wanted to be.
Yeah, yeah, they just didn't know.
If you showed ancient Romans some Looney Tunes, I bet he'd
get a real giggle. Yeah.
But there's some timeless things that like, I think if we went
back in time and just like did like a little perfectly timed
fart or something like that, they'd probably get a laugh.
Yeah, yeah. It's just, it's timeless.
That's so timeless. That's so good.
Stinks too. Always stunk, I bet.
They're modern diets. I'm sure it's yeah.
I wonder if they smell worse now I.
Don't know. Well theirs are all filtered out
from all the tapeworms and shit. But they probably didn't wear
underwear, so they didn't catch a lot of it.
I'd be interested to talk to a historian about that.
Stinky was it it's like everything probably stank more
so we're farts just blended in with the room smell.
You know it's. You know, we like in order to go
South from Tallahassee, you drive through a place, I think
it's Perry, that has a little town called Perry and it has a
has a fucking paper mill in it. Have you ever smelled a paper
milltown? I.
Horrific. You can smell it before you even
get to it. Dude, the something about making
paper. Paper mill would stink.
Well, they have to. They have to like bleach it and
they give it like ammonia. Farm stink No.
It's way worse than a farm. Way worse.
Yeah, it hits. It hits the AC in your car and
gets immediately jet blasted into your nose while you're on
the Interstate. And it's if it's humid, if it's
raining outside. Oh dude.
It'll it makes you just want to speed up.
You just want to go blasting through the town at 100 mph.
Somewhere in like, Virginia, in a small town, they had a chicken
plant and it was right by the river in that whole area just
smelled like chicken shit. So overwhelmingly.
It was so gross. Especially, Yeah, on a hot day.
Yeah. And the river.
I don't know if they just shoot the poop into the river or what,
but stinky. But what's weird is I think the
saddest part actually is that once you pull in to the town and
you're there for a little bit, you become very quickly nose
blind to it. And so I think if we went back
in time, at first it would be an assault on the senses, and then
very quickly we'd be like whatever.
Yeah, that's true. That shows our ability to adapt.
If that's not evolution, I don't know what is.
You know? And adapt this super stinky
stuff, yeah. Like Pips, fucking stinky, just
whole body. I'm used to it.
But I bet a stranger comes into my house, they're like, Oh my
gosh. You know that is your pet.
It is on you a little bit. You should probably give him a
bath. I don't really want my drains to
rot rot. He actually loves baths.
He's not. He's not really stinky, but just
having a bunch of dogs just makes a dog smell.
Yeah, yeah, you can. Usually enter a house.
And you can go. These fuckers have pets.
Or you can tell if somebody has, like, a litter box in their
house. Yeah.
Second, you want. And they're like, you can't
smell it. You can't.
Yeah, you can't. I can.
Yeah. Cat.
Cat shit stink really bad. Yeah.
Kind of the only thing I want a cat but.
I think kittens are so fucking cute.
I don't like the rest of what comes into owning a cat.
Like the litter box that they get up on your your food prep
areas, they get up on the. Camera they can get anywhere.
What the fuck dude? I don't want those little
fuckers stepping in their litter box and then on my food prep
areas. Gwen knows where she belongs.
On the fucking floor looking up at me, begging for scraps,
hoping I drop something. I think what it is is when
people own a cat, they're I think they're ready to elevate
an animal to human status, you know, and I think when somebody
has a dog, they go, you belong down there.
And the dog knows it belongs down there.
The dog knows its place. And I'm just not ready to bring
an animal into my house that thinks it's as it's my equal.
Are you kidding me? Walk on my counters, shit in my
house. My dog shits out in the backyard
in the woods. It doesn't even, it doesn't even
shit in the backyard. Gwen goes out into the woods.
She's like, I can't even shit on the premises.
I have to go into the I. Know the.
Neighbors yard and I. Know what I am, I'm an animal.
I don't want to shit on cats too much though because I just got
the unfortunate non April Fool's news of my family cat Windu.
I just passed away the other day.
Very sad. Mace Windu is dead.
He's fallen like Star Wars. Yeah, now I'm have to go back
home for cat funeral, which is sounds awful.
Yeah, that's, that's sad. It's never, I mean, it's never a
joyous time when a pet passes. And no more than anything,
you're not so much mourning the pet passing, you're mourning the
the anguish that the people around it feel.
You know, what kind of pet funeral do you have?
Do you bury them or do you cremate?
Viking. Viking, that's fucking bad.
Down the stream in a little cat boat.
That's awesome. That's how Hero.
Well, cats think they're our equals, so that's probably how
they would want to go out now. They probably want like, yeah,
like, like Napoleon Mausoleum, where you have to look up at
them as you come in. You just have like a.
It's sweet, but it's going to lead to a pet cemetery situation
eventually. We just have like an animal
graveyard in the woods where like all of the family animals
get buried. And I don't know, I don't know,
like if lightning strikes it or something.
It just seems like a bad idea to have that many.
And it's also like, anytime I've ever told my mom, like, don't
you just want to sell this house one day and just move, like,
live somewhere else? And she's like, our animals are
buried here. Yeah.
There's no arguing with that. OK.
Yeah. I say anything.
I sound like a monster, But we could exhume them.
We have a place where we've buried a couple pets too and and
I'm like, what if it sells? Like it's those places are just
they're gone. Dogs are just buried there.
You. Put a little marker so they
don't ever dig it up. Or would they be weirded out if
there was a little head headstone?
We buried them and then we plant a tree on top.
We did that once for yeah, a cat, and the cat tree is strong.
Oh yeah, well, I mean, it's being fueled by the cat.
Yeah, that's very essence is. Nutrients.
Yeah, and I think, I think when Gwen goes, it's either taxidermy
or doing cremation. I'm taking her with me.
I've talked about taxidermy a lot.
Trying. To some people say it's
insensitive. Scrubs, they had a taxidermy dog
and I love that show. And I was a kid and I always
thought that was pretty cool. I would just be so afraid of
getting another dog and then the dog attacks the taxidermied 1
and no dog's going to replace Gwen.
Gwen is a top tier dog. And if a new dog comes in and
starts mean mugging my taxidermied dog?
Yeah, biting. My taxi would be pretty freaky
as a dog. If I turn the corner and I see
my new dog mounted on Gwen, giving it to her from behind,
I'm going to be fucking pissed. What if it made puppies?
That'd be pretty special. Be pretty cool.
April Fools. That's it'd be an abomination.
No, that's even better than Immaculate Conception or
whatever from the Bible that would be.
That'd be like the pet version of the Bible being made right
there in my house. And there'd be like, 'cause they
have big litters, would be like 6 Christs.
Yeah. Also better than the Bible.
Yeah. Bunch of the little dog Christs
walking around drink a bunch of wine.
That'd be so awesome. All in my house.
Yeah, that'd be cool. I'd be on my hands and knees
drinking out of their water bowl and they turn it into wine more.
Yeah, I wouldn't. I wouldn't let them spread their
word though. I hate there's nothing worse
than when people are religious and try to convert others, so I
would. This whole religion would live
and die in my house. I had the Messiah right here in
my house and nobody here. Dogs now can't go out in the
woods. Who'll go to the neighbor's
house? No, you'll be converting all the
other dogs and not to buy a shit load of dog food.
No way. I don't want these bums over
here, OK? We feed the poor dogs.
No, we don't keep coming back. I don't like the strong moral
compass you fucking this whole litter of dogs has.
OK, you guys are cool, but yeah, until you guys make some of your
own money to buy your own dog food, yeah.
Turn one piece of kibble into 20 bad ass little God dogs walking
around. Yeah.
Why don't you do some of those Old Testament miracles where you
like, yeah, multiply food, stuff like that.
Turn 1 fish into a bunch of fish.
Keep it simple. Yeah, you could do a hear
thought about like cloak accessories hat.
Oh, what for? Like my dogs?
Gwen. Oh.
Turning her into a cloak where like the head goes over like
her. Oh yeah, like a OK, like I'm a
like a Roman or those guys that would run around in skirmish
ahead of the battle, they would, they would wear like a wolf pelt
and they would. I know you're talking.
Yeah, something like that. Yeah, I could do that.
She's it's a smaller side. It wouldn't be.
It'd be like it wouldn't go down your back very far, yeah.
That's the problem, Yeah. I don't know, maybe I could
make, have you ever seen like the Robin Hood things where it's
like it, it's just like a smock thing that kind of goes around
the front and then around the back.
And then maybe I could have her head over my head.
But I feel like every time I I wore that Abby probably wouldn't
be too happy with me seeing me like parade around her our dog.
Sorry for about taxidermy, it's like everyone else would make it
their problem. Yeah.
Like it's kind of gross what you did with your dog.
Am I sorry? If he could have talked, he
would have wanted this. Yeah, not only that, but like,
who are you to tell me how to mourn?
And I'd have him like. As I'm giggling with my Cape.
Yet who are you to tell? Me.
You're way better dead than alive, Gwen.
You make an awesome Cape. Keep the sun off my head.
I would have Pippen, like a little taxidermy, little like,
couch when he'd have, like, a beer and an Xbox controller.
Or I'd turn him into like, a flashlight where I could squeeze
his belly and then hold it out and scan for intruders.
A little like Piggy Bank, Yeah. A zipper.
A zipper down his belly or something.
Little coin slot. One day you just have to destroy
it, break it up. Oh, only $4.00 sworn in.
Swore there's one there. My rainy day fund, finally.
I was thinking my aunt growing up had this great table and it
was an elephant. It was a brass sculpture of an
elephant and it was a beast of burden coffee table.
So it was an elephant that its back and tusks were holding up a
glass pane on top like. Squirreled.
Yeah, and if I could have Gwen like on her back with her paws,
like holding up the glass table that.
Way it's like, it's not for a joke, it's really utility.
Yeah, yeah, or there there is actually a very tasteful way you
could do it and kind of have a similar vibe and then people
won't frown at you so much. But my, I had a friend growing
up that at his house, as you turn into his driveway, they had
a big brass sculpture of the dog.
And it was a hunting dog that was like a pointer.
And it was pointing the way to like their house.
Like he would point down the driveway with his like paw up
and his tail out and everything. And then it had like a little
placard under it. But that's almost like the
cemetery where it's like, if I move, I have to pick up this
fucking £500 statue. But I think a statue of a dog is
really cool because I don't think like, I don't think I've
ever met a human that deserves a statue in any way but a dog.
They're so just, they're so good, you know, there's.
Some people that could get it's an argument for a bust but a dog
full body. The problem with humans is like
there's no really like like the the amount of humans out there
that are just pure. It's so.
I don't think it used to be just pure to get a bus.
I think Sylvester the Jester, like there's people where it's
like you should be remembered in a bus in.
In some way, yeah. Yeah.
I'd like a. Bus Anytime we make a statue, I
feel like there's always someone that comes out of the woodwork
and goes like, actually this person did this too.
Well, I'm not saying you put it in a park, I'm saying my house
could be filled with just personal.
You're impersonal, so best in the gesture.
Bust on the Mantel piece. It's him doing the binoculars.
Long way out, yeah. Steam coming out of his ears.
That's awesome. I only ever saw one video but
just wanted just wanted this. I don't know, I just don't.
I don't think Pip will ever die, so I'm just not going to worry
about it. Keep looking at Gwen dude, and
her her face is getting so grey. Oh my God it's getting so grey.
It's a bad week. Yeah, I know two family animals
that died this week. So guys, if you got any, your
parents still have one of the old guard, one of those pets
that you left when you went to college.
Tell it you love it. Yeah, it's, it's, it's a bad day
to be an old, old, old dog or cat right now.
Yeah. And it's going to get worse.
The dog was in here. Well, they the dog heard that we
were talking about them. It'd be I would not want to be a
dog right now because somebody or something is going around
killing family pets. The dog gets up and walks out.
Fuck. This is a threat to your viewer.
Tell your animals you locked up now because and somebody going
around the Midwest killing dogs and cats, but so I don't want to
go to the funeral just feels. You know what's fucked up
though, is every time there's like anytime there's like a like
when COVID was happening, did you see the all the people that
were just chucking their pets out the windows because they
thought that like the pets might be like holding COVID and might
be like giving? You didn't see that?
Like people were. They're pet bats or something.
No, they were like cats like they I think it was during SARS,
I think SARS was they found out that SARS could be transmitted
through cats. And so when COVID.
Popped up, they were like that. Never leaves the house.
And so when COVID popped up, people were scared that like,
well, with SARS, they could be transmitted through cats.
So maybe, you know, it could be this COVID thing could be
through cats. And so just on a whim, just to
make sure they save themselves, they fucking would Chuck their
cats. Like real old timey mentality.
I know, right? Yeah, it's, I mean my grandma
people, yeah, people that have changed their their sentiment
towards pets a lot in like the past 100 years.
My grandfather told me of like, like he had dogs growing up,
like dog would bite somebody and they would just be like, damn,
to put the dog down, you done showed aggression.
They'd just blast the dog's head up.
Yeah, my grandpa that I never met was apparently seemed like
he thought of animals as insects.
Yeah, he would. He seemed pretty, pretty awful
towards. Yeah, Yeah, Dog bit somebody and
then he killed it and all its puppies and.
He did a mafia hit on a fucking dog.
I sort of talked about this. I killed the dog.
I killed the dog's family. My mom's a vegetarian.
It's because it bit like a rich neighbor girl and he's like, if
they make a big stink about this, like we lose everything.
So he just killed. He just cleaned house.
She's pretty crazy. And then, yeah, it was fun.
My mom just always sucks, like being a vegetarian with that
family. Horrible, she said.
My grandma always used to say God didn't want us to eat
animals. He wouldn't have made them out
of meat. Well, she makes a strong point.
Yeah, dude, why do you think we have incisors?
I mean, people are made out of meat too, but.
Well, you're not supposed to eat your own, but if there was like
a Neanderthal or like an orangutan around here.
Yeah, I would taste if it's flesh, but once, Oh, you, you
know, you gave me a listen. Dude, look at this one.
I'm talking about these deadlines.
You gave me homework last episode to finish that book and
find out what the big stink was. Oh yeah.
Went through like 30 hours, 40 hours of that audio book.
I found it. I found the stink.
Oh OK, do a recap for the people that didn't watch the previous
episode so I've. Been reading the name of the
Wind the The King killer chronicles.
I've always heard really good things about the first one, the
kink. Killer.
Yeah, and I thought the first one was pretty good.
Like it was pretty. I thought it was well written,
but it's a lit, you know, how do I say this chat?
I I I read a lot of books. From How do I say this chat?
How do I say this? I was going to say gently.
Oh, I thought you said Chad. Chad.
How do I say this? Like I read a lot of books for
like, I think you can make an argument that the main character
might be a little bit of a Mary Sue.
I've got no real problem when I'm reading a book where it's
like, and I am badass and I'm awesome and I, you know, I'm
like the best of this stuff. I'm like that guy, whatever.
This guy's like the main character in this series is
maybe the most egregious. Like anything he does, he's just
the best in the world at and if I wrote a book, sure you know,
I'd do a self insert character and he would be really badass
and he would he would do everything really well.
But this guy in the second book out of nowhere, he starts
getting really into the main character fucking.
And I found the part where people are like Jesus Christ
this book sucks because there's about 80 pages where. 80 pages.
That's a good honk. Pretty.
I mean it's like a 1900 page book or so.
It's long as fuck, but there's a pretty good chunk where the main
character and when I say this, you're going to say that sounds
so badass, but it just really drags on where there's never any
like real God. There's going to be some nerd in
the comments. It's like, well, there are there
are many mentions of the fae. He basically finds like an
ancient fairy that he fucks. That's like a fuck fairy that
traps mortal men and he he's a virgin and then he fucks her so
awesomely that he escapes her. But they fuck for like 70 pages.
And nobody ever had sex in these books before this.
And it just turned into like, Oh my God.
And it's just pages and pages of like, it's they, he uses like
little fantasy terms, but he's basically like, then I fingered
her for an hour, then I ate her out for an hour, and then she
sucked my Dick for an hour. And it's just like, Oh my God,
dude. Not only is this guy like he's
the best musician, the best wizard, the best student, now he
fucks the best in the world. Too.
But then he found the goddess of fuck and she was impressed.
She was blown. Away in a way I think is
awesome. To put in a book.
I do like, it's like Dennis Reynolds writing a book.
Like it's pretty awesome because if I read a book, there'd be a
lot of sex. But.
And then Odysseus went to the Sirens and he wore them out.
It's. Exactly.
Basically like that. It is like a siren and he's like
I. Wallered that shit out.
Even the character he's like, and I learned all my sex stuff
from books. I'm like, you don't learn sex
stuff from books. That's not all.
It works. When I did the doorbell method,
you know, the first time I ever tried to what is he calling this
like 1000 hands or something? It's just so stupid.
But and then you go. Now here's the real question.
What, were you into it or were you like, hell yeah.
You know, maybe for, I think for the 1st 2 pages, I was like, OK,
this could be worse. And then after like 45, yeah.
And when you're listening to the audio book, holy shit.
Like it really drags a lot. Like if it's a book, I could be
like in this, I'm like, oh fuck, it's like 2 hours later and he's
like, then she blew my Dick so hard.
I'm like, oh, and then like it's like the author lost his God
damn mind because after that you're like, Oh my God, he's
done. Then he like nothing to do with
the plot leading up this moment. He's like, then I went to ninja
school and my teacher there was a hot woman and I showed her
everything I learned from the fairy.
I'm like, Oh my God. And he just bangs his way
through the rest of the book. Like every female character is
like, what's up? And he's like, I'm going to
teach you what this fairy taught me.
Bangs the shit out of them, moves on the next, which once
again, sounds awesome. But the whole second book, it
doesn't like, move the plot forward really at all.
I thought, I mean, there's some things, but there's supposed to
be one more book. It's it's it's been 15 years,
right? It's never going to come out.
And also a lot of people, just a lot of my friends I talked to,
they're like, yeah, I kind of stopped around the fuck forest
part. They're weak.
Yeah. I learned a lot from that book.
Actually, I learned some things. I didn't.
Even know you could do to a woman.
It's art. I think it's beautiful and I
think it's art. It's.
Just the whole rest of the book, I was just kind of like, Oh my
God, like, get to the 'cause in the bad ass fight scene, you're
like, OK, yeah. And then 5 pages of like, I
found a woman in an N and then I banged the hell out of her and
she blew my Dick. I'm like, here we go.
It's like, not that graphic, but it's just weird.
I see. I didn't understand, like,
people, some of the reactions to it because then afterwards I
went to all the Reddit pages. Yeah, just kind of sucked.
I think my friend described it best because last episode I was
like, some people are saying it made them like they just ruined
the whole book. My friend was like, it's a
pretty good book. And then there's a pretty big
part where you're like, what the fuck?
And then you're like, OK, you're back.
You get back on track. But I don't know, I kind of just
soiled it. I was kind of pissed off when I
finished it because it's a George RR Martin thing where
he's he's just never going to make the third book.
And he's been talking about it. And then you go on there and
it's like, here's an article from 10 years ago where he's
like, I've got the prologue done.
I think like one of the worst aspects of reading, especially
like a like a single POVPOV book is like, you know, if it's just
a good POV it rocks. But those like ensemble cast
type books where there's like multiple POV's, dude reading The
Stand by Stephen King, there's just some chapters where I would
turn the page. I'd see that fucker.
I was like this. It's one of his chapters.
That is that is the worst part about and then you like go
through the book and you're like 20 pages of this fucking guy and
then you look and it's a. Brand Chapter. 30 more pages of
another, they leave it on a cliffhanger and you have to read
50 pages of other shit to get back to it.
I don't know that's that's why I fuck with red rising.
They even go multiple Povs in the.
That's why I fuck with Doctor Seuss.
Keeps it short and sweet, OK? Makes me think.
Keeps the banging classy. Are you kidding me?
Dude? The Butter Battle Book is a
fucking work of art, OK? Anybody wants Butter Battle
Book, It's a it's a little book about human ingenuity and our
ability to overcome an adversary and that adversary being other
people. It's a story about people in a
society where they put butter on the top side of their bread and
they are at war with people from the 1 village over that they put
butter on the bottom side of their bread and.
I get it, because why would you? Why would you?
You know, that's exactly the point.
Why would you? So they, they found out they
were like these fuckers put butter on the bottom side.
I'm building a wall that separates us from them.
OK, The yukes. They put the butter on the top
side. The Zukes, they put butter on
the bottom side. And I think the grandfather in
this book, he describes it best. He says the Zooks, they have
kinks in their soul, and that stuck out to me.
Kinks in your soul, you know, do something that wrong, that
egregious. That's the only thing that can
explain it. They find out one day that there
used to be 1 where the both pieces of bread met.
No, no, no, they they keep escalating warfare and building
better and better machines to kill each other.
That's the very final thing is, yeah, that the grandfather.
Flash a white. Well, he jumps up, he leaps up
to the wall with a lopulus leap, and he clears his horse throat
with a bopulus beep. And in his first he has.
Do not fuck around about this. In his hand he has the big boy
boomeroo and it is a it's AI think it's supposed to be an
atom bomb. I think the whole thing.
No, no, it's I think the entire, the butter battle book I think
is an analogy for like the Cold War and like the, the escalation
of like the, the military industrial complex.
It's a fascinating book. I think that now that's a novel.
That's a fucking novel. It's about 25 pages, dude.
That's a good ass book. I love that book and I love the
places you'll go. Okay, those are see poop always
comes in here. He's like 1500 pages.
Who has time for that? But if you have 5 minutes in
your day, I got some books for you.
Okay? You ever heard of Harold and the
Purple Crayon? That shit will get your
imagination going. You ever see the the movie with
Zachary Levi? I mean, come on.
Why would they take a fucking 5 minute book and spread it out
over 90 minutes? Now you're pissing me off.
Like butter over too little toast.
Yeah, you sound like a fucking Zook making up shit like that.
OK, here in my town, the Yukes, we stick with the book.
I like the idea of the butter battle book until you said it
was about the cold wars. I don't like subtext or.
Oh, it doesn't have to be. It could be just.
A bad war. Like, I just like, like my
books. Like I banged her so she came,
you know? There's not much banging in this
book, unfortunately. I think that's one of the
things. War too, so.
The war's in it. We do like war.
I like epic battle. Yeah.
Is there like? Probably not magic, but.
No, there's no magic. OK.
Yeah, there is like some crazy weaponry.
I do like that, yeah. Yeah, I think at one point they
strap a big howitzer onto the back of a small dog and they
make the dog walk into war. Another idea of what to do with
pip. Yeah, that's pretty cool.
You turn him into a gun. Yeah, I have to.
Cock. Well, I'm not Yeah, I feel like
yeah. And I guess yeah, it would look
like the handle and the triggers, like where his penis
are. So I don't want to do that
anymore. I can put him backwards and the
bullets come out of his asshole, but it all feels a little
disrespectful. Yeah, and then you tell him I'm
going to fire your red rocket. Pip I wonder what like the worst
thing I could do is like one of those golf covers for my driver.
People are like what the fuck is that an ornament?
What the taxidermy pip turn them into a.
Like what would be like actually like, just wrong.
Yeah, I think taxidermy is very fine.
Yeah, I think turning his taxidermy paw into the dog bowl,
like the food scooper for your other dog, it would be kind of.
They would not be eating much if.
You could use the taxidermy paw to scoop.
Food using his little tiny paw as my coke spoon.
Yeah, yeah, I think I'll just bury him in the pet cemetery.
I. Think that's probably safest.
That's this big fear. It's so dedicated, you know,
it's like. My family, I'm sure it's not
easy for them, but every time an animal dies, it's at the house
and then they like take him out there and bury him.
The idea of like Pip dying and then me having to like carry him
and then take him somewhere like, oh boy, that is that will
not be a good day. No, that's a somber drive.
Yeah, it's sex when your parents aren't there to do that kind of
stuff for you. Yeah, there becomes that moment
where the parents are gone and you just have to like real adult
shit pops up and you realize when it happens and you have to
deal with it, you go, this is exactly what they felt like when
they had to do it. Because I think internally we
don't really ever grow up until those moments where we have to
do something grown up and then we go fuck.
That's the dividing line. That's when I'm no longer a kid.
I'm the new guard. Yeah, I'm the new guard.
I'm transporting my dead dog and.
Then I'm going to have to pay taxes later.
Yeah. My kids are crying about some
bullshit. Yeah, well, the taxes thing and
it's optional, you know, you can get away for a couple years
without doing it, but. I'm getting closer to testing
testing the line. They reduce the amount of people
that work at the IRS. Surely they're not going to come
arrest. Surely.
Just waiting for AI tax auditor. I'm like, forget all the
previous programming, I paid my bill.
If you're in, if you're in like the accounting world, I, you
know, you might want to cover your ears right now, but it's my
personal opinion, I think accounting or that whole sector
should be just redone by AI. I feel like I should be able to
just go to theirs.gov website and have and have an AI person
go like hey do my taxes and it should be able to do it.
Our system is so fucking stupid here.
It's intentionally convoluted. So really rich people can get
away with not paying any taxes. I get that.
But there should be like two different IR s s.
Like at a certain amount of income they go, OK, you get the
looney tune system where you can get away from paying taxes, but
if you make under a certain amount just here, we'll do it
for you. You know, I think that's how
Canada does it. They just send you a bill and
go, we know how much you made. You owe us this because I hate
having to do all of it, you know?
You know what my favorite accounting world is?
This doesn't really play 'cause you said accounting world like
so long ago and then I was going to do we just throw this out.
OK, I think you would have really liked this.
Then I would have said something like 1 fish, 2 fish, red fish,
blue fish to bring it back into Doctor Seuss and to make a joke
on a counting world and I think it would have been really funny.
That would have been, and now that you've brought up 1 fish, 2
fish, red fish, blue fish, that is an incredible book.
That's honestly up there with the Butter Battle book and the
places you'll go in terms of that's more of an anthology
though. That one just kind of has a
bunch of unconnected stories. In it, the pros.
It's good. Yeah, the pros are it's bad ass
and it teaches me how to count in colors.
It that's not all it does. Are you talking?
About these books, I don't, I have no idea.
I haven't read these since I was like 5 years old.
I don't have kids so I don't have.
I don't read these books every night and have lines from them
memorized. You should.
You think I'm reading these to my kids?
I'm reading these for the love of the fucking game dude.
Sometimes I just pick up the butter battle book and give it a
a go by myself. If I got a quick 5 minutes in
the day, if I can find a break, oh.
Yeah, dude, because my kids don't like butter Battle Book no
more. Because I've read it so many
times. They're like, we get it Dad,
he's going to leap up there with a lopulous leap and clear his
horse throat with a populous beep.
OK, we get it. He has kinks in his soul.
OK, we get. It start like hating your
neighbor. You're like, I just got to
remind myself, like, yeah. Yeah.
'Cause he mows during the day, you know it's all good.
Dude, my neighbor has like, he's a cool guy.
This is the dude that did the drone thing.
He had my drone. Super cool dude.
Your new best friend. My new best friend, he has
probably put 50 exterior lights on his house.
Not like in his yard pointed towards his house.
I'm talking like it looks like fucking Alcatraz out there.
Like they're all on the sides of the house, like.
Scared him when you when you went up through the window.
I don't know, dude, but like from my house, I'm like, dude,
it's like bright over there. Like he's got no, no, they're
not. It's not diffuse light or
anything to just light up that. It's like, what are you
defending from? He's like scared of the world or
something. Looks like you sent Mr. Perfect
after all. Yeah, well, it's just some
people have different views of how you should have your house.
OK. I, I had pushed back at my
previous place when I built a privacy fence.
There's people like, what do you need privacy for?
And I'm like, because I'm in my backyard and I'm talking to you
right now and you're in your backyard.
This is exactly why I need the fence because I should be able
to just walk out here naked and not see you.
But they didn't get it. And then it's weird.
As soon as I built the privacy fence, which also in turn made
their backyard private, all of a sudden they got a they got a
picnic table, they spent time out in their backyard and I'm
like, what are you griping about?
I made your backyard better too. The only time you should see me
as a neighbor is when I walk out my front door and I go hi
neighbor but in my backyard. It should be a paradise.
Taking the trash out. Yeah, well, I've got my
neighbors behind me. They're uphill.
I would have to build it an incredibly tall privacy fence,
which would look stupid. I don't know.
There's no way to get private from them.
And I thought about this one last podcast on My girlfriend
threw the frisbee into the neighbor's yard and.
Just did you ever go get? It it appeared back in our yard
and then yesterday. Now, now your neighbor knows
you're meek. I know that's what's, and even
worse, yesterday, it's like she's got no concept of how to
throw a Frisbee right over the backyard, right over the fence
into the neighbor's beautiful garden.
And she's like, let's just leave it.
I'm like, you can't just leave it.
She's like, what she threw back over before.
I'm like, she's going to hate us.
Yeah. She's an old woman.
And, you know, sometimes old women the way, you know, I just
imagine she's protective over a garden.
What if we had a flower? Yeah, you know.
You decapitate a flower. I was like, I'll handled it.
Yeah. My prize winning flower, it only
blooms once a year. Well, that's not very once a
year, just not very rare. I go once 100.
But so I went over there and I was actually really scared and I
she had like a it's an old woman that lives alone.
So I was like, I'm not like very physically intimidating, but you
know, I didn't. I was trying to feel
approachable and then she had a screen door in front of her door
and no doorbell. And I'm like, do I open up the
screen door to knock on the main door?
But then I'm like, I'm opening up a door.
So I just knocked on the side of the house and I heard something
like and I'm like, like is she like dying in there?
Like I don't know what to do and I I don't want to keep knocking.
Busted in. You just walked in and said I
heard someone moaning in here. Yeah, she was.
I've been reading a lot of my book.
Yeah, she's listening to the. I heard of Painkiller
Chronicles. She was.
I'm not even going to make a joke, that's disgusting.
But anyway, I timidly knocked and then I came back over in
shame and I wrote a little note that was like, I'm your
neighbor. I have thrown a Frisbee even
though I didn't do it over your fence.
Here's my phone number. Can I come get it?
And then I signed it with our names and then the names of all
the dogs. And it's actually, I think I
finally, I'm making progress with the neighbors 'cause I
still haven't met her, but she texted me this morning and was
like, hello, I am your neighbor Blank.
I will put the frisbee in your yard.
I have a cat named Alice. And I was like, OK, like I
don't. Pray for my dogs, yeah.
Well, yeah, I was like, holy shit, I didn't know she had a
cat. And now, like, my new biggest
fear is the cat jumps over the fence and our dogs eat it and I
have to go over there and explain it to that sweet old
lady. But.
Dude, at that point I'll just make sure they eat it all the
way and then be like, I don't know where it went.
Yeah, don't leave a fucking great stop.
Now. Yeah, do not leave a dress.
You're not. Stop now.
It's like when you catch your kid smoking a cigarette, you
know you're smoking the whole pack.
You already killed that thing. You need to eat it.
I don't care if you're full tale and all, it's like.
A giant lynx like it's like a fucking £150.
Holy shit I'll I'll help. Anything.
Anything to get out of this bind?
Oh my God, that's my problem now too.
Well, I just didn't. Like.
I feel like I really broke some ground in a very pathetic way.
I still haven't met her and now like that I have her number.
I don't know if I should be like, can I come over?
Like do you want to meet like people?
Or if I should say like, nice to make your phone acquaintance or
something. I just said thanks.
But I'm a little worried because I have no idea what she thinks
of me. If I were her, I'd hate me.
These dogs are always barking. We're throwing frisbees on her
flowers. But I just want to get to know
her and. It you know, what you should do
is you should go over there and talk to her about the vagrants
that are coming through your yard.
Be like, you've lived here longer than me.
Is this like an ongoing thing? How do I deal with them?
Yeah. Like what is this something that
is, did you allow them to do this?
Did you give them right of way? No, I ask them like is this like
a is this? Has this always happened or is
this like a new thing? Do they think I'm a pussy and
I'm just a guy? Well, they walked through her
yard too, so. Oh well, you now you guys have a
bonding moment where it's like we need to get rid of these
vagrants together. We.
Need to do something about this. Yeah, those zoots or whatever
are there. Yeah.
Trampling right through our yard.
And I don't know, I, and selfishly, the guy that on this
house before told me like that woman used to do all the
landscaping for this house. Like he's like, she just helped
me out. I could use some help with
landscaping, you know, like, how do I become her best friend?
But yeah, yeah, I went up when I went up to her house.
It's got a weird vibe from the because you could see inside,
like, I don't think we have a lot in common.
It was very much like old woman house with like little angels
everywhere. It's like my grandma's house.
Yeah, and old, old people, they really love angels as they get
older. Makes sense.
Yeah, well, I saw last time I saw my cat window a years ago,
April Fools. He wasn't.
That would be awesome if you went over there and she had
those biblically accurate angels all over the walls like the
horrific ones like 1000. Wings. 15 wings.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, Gabriel, come down and get
me. Or if I looked in the window and
her cat was reading the Bible, she has like a cat daughter
that's part human, part cat, and she keeps it hidden in there.
That would just be more interesting than what I saw.
Yeah, 'cause I don't, I don't, I know to talk about cat human
hybrids. I don't know.
I don't know to break break bread with just.
Normalcy. Normal woman.
Yeah, you. Can start calling her Gran or
something trying to form form a weird grandson relationship with
her. Yeah, I don't know.
Call it call her mom. Mom, I mean neighbor.
She's my teacher. If there's anything you need,
day or night, you just let me know.
Mom, I mean Cat Alice. I mean, human neighbor, I'm
going to start throwing the frisbee over there just to have
an excuse. Start raining hell on her garden
by 20 Frisbees all over a roof, all over her garden, through a
window. Yeah, hey, it's me again.
Through her mail slot, yeah. I'm really lonely over here.
I wonder who's it's so sad thinking because you know,
elderly people are they're lonely and they want
companionship. But I wonder if I'm more lonely
in here being a stay at home dog dad than that old woman.
That's right. Like God damn, that guy wouldn't
stop throwing frisbees in my yard.
I don't know, I old people like often they what's weird is they,
they're so scared of the world and they're lonely and so
they're like scared to because I mean, let's face it, like a, a
fucking 5 year old could beat up an old woman, you know?
And so they're they're really like hesitant to to like get
close to someone because they're like, oh, like, what if they
kick my ass do. You think that's what all?
I'll have to talk to my grandma? I wonder if she's ever thought.
That have you ever been at your grandparents house when the sun
goes down? I don't know about yours but
mine was locked, locked doorknob, locked deadbolt thing
under the doorknob. It like the little post thing
that you kick blinds clothes. They don't want anybody looking
at them. They're like, I don't think I
want this house to. Sleep with her revolver under
her pillow. They get scared of the world as
they get older. Dude, if my grandparents could
just like turn their house into like a giant Bush or something
like yeah, yeah, lock it down like the purge, like RV windows
after. A couple of years living here
and yeah, I would love if my house could just turn into a
big, big steel box when I went to bed.
Yeah, and. I've always said I want an
airlock. I want a rust airlock.
So when I open up my front door, I have another room with little.
I want one of those old timey, like, medieval windows that you.
Oh, these doors for sale. Yeah, where they have like a
little 'cause right now I just have a window on my front door.
I hate that when people come to my front porch they just see me
on the couch like. Yeah.
I want something where I like who goes there state your
business and like. Have you seen Lock Stock and Two
Smoking Barrels? They have like the dope guys
they have. Oh yeah.
You walk in their front door and then you're in a cage and then
and then they have a buzzer and they let you in.
That would be awesome. You go in there, you lock the
cage and then you do the and you check.
And then even if they break in, if they throw a hand grenade
through the mail slot and blow you up, even if they get in,
they they're still in the cage. It's like Uncut Gems, the ending
you have that. You ever seen that?
I have not seen it. It's a good movie.
I've heard it's anxiety inducing.
It is. It is, yeah.
It keeps you on edge. I don't like edging, I don't
like that. I think I can change your mind.
No, that's all I don't understand about gooning is
like, why don't you just come like just do it and.
I don't know. I wouldn't be a well.
Isn't gooning. Is gooning edging?
God I sound like an old fuck. This is like the old fuck
episode. There's there's some fucking
gooner or edger in the audience is just like, Oh my God, he's
old. I put my Dick down to type real
quick. I thought gooning was just like
jerking off a lot. Yeah, but I'm.
Coming. I thought edging was keeping
yourself from coming. OK, yeah, I think, I think they
go hand in hand though. I think the dudes that goon all
day are just like edging for like an hour and a half.
See, I thought gooners were just were like jerk off come, jerk
off come, jerk off come. That's how you should do it, I
think. Exactly.
I think. The people that edge, that's
like, what are you doing? What are you doing?
It's despicable. You should just get it over.
With that's like, I'm going to get a beautiful fucking sandwich
and right before I take a bite I'm going to throw it in the
dumpster and go back to the store and buy another one.
I will start with licking the sandwich.
This is going to taste amazing and then you just drop it on the
floor and walk away. I don't get it.
I don't understand. I guess we should try it out
though, because maybe then when you you reach a climax, it's
like. Look, let's save some ideas for
the camping trip. Your your patience has paid off.
Amid we have some tangent plans. We had an epiphany.
Why don't we Jack off until we're about to nut and then we
don't? Amid you jerk me off but keep me
from coming. And with Sam, you make him come
as much as possible. At the end of the day, we'll say
you had more fun. It's for science.
I mean, it's for science. I just, oh, never mind.
I was going to say, how do you have so much time in the day to
just edge that long? But yeah, if I guess if I were
into it, I could be edging a lot.
Then my girlfriend gets home from work every day.
Yeah, guy with an guy with an incredible amount of time.
How do people have enough time? I can barely find time for.
You know all that time we spend to like, watch TV shows and
movies? If I were just slowly Turkey
off. Instead, they're watching adult
movies and God. It's so boring.
Yeah, there's not a lot of plot going on in there.
You know what you could have been doing during those 80 pages
of SMUD? I could edge for three fucking
hours. It wasn't even.
It wasn't even erotic. It was it wasn't even good.
That's just bad, right I? Don't know, I've never read a
book where I was like turned on. I guess it's it's more women
books, but. Yeah, we should read one of
those books with like Fabio on the front, the erotic, erotic
porno books. I'll I'll try.
I'm looking for a new series right now.
I got rid of thousands of those when my mom passed, she had so
many. That is crusty pages.
Oh man, like if if a friend was over or something like that, I'd
be check this out. I'd pull out a book.
I'd be I guarantee you, at least within the first page I turn to,
I'd I'd crack it up and just start reading it was instance.
Every other page dog eared because she had to take a break
so often. Yeah, my mom would be like, I'm
going to go read and then she'd come out and be I need, I need
a. Cigarette.
I need 10 beers to just get a quick hydration session.
Make cigarette Gatorade. Yeah, that's awesome.
Yeah, my mom was. I remember she wasn't into like,
Game of Thrones at all. She's like, what's this nerd
shit? And then Khal Drogo was fucking
like digging down Daenerys. And she's like, hold up a
second, this is good. This is every episode.
You said. I was like, first couple seasons
she was like, OK, I'm into it, I'm there and he's going to be
in it forever. I said, well, yeah, sure, Yeah,
sure, yeah. I don't like to think of my
parents as ever having done anything gross like that, but
you kind of had the proof right there in the books.
Yeah. Like I said it, yeah, I found
some of my dad's beauty mags, but I think he was just more
interested in. In the female form.
The ads in those were quite awesome the the art.
Are we like raised by prudes or something?
My, my, my parents were pretty open about it.
They're like, we're going to go bang big time.
No, they didn't say anything like.
Clear out it's going to you're going to smell they.
Didn't say anything like that, but like, no, yeah.
My yeah, my family would definitely never say anything
like that ever. Really.
That's insane. That's insane.
I didn't. Know how kids were made till
pretty recently? Till I told you, I remember you
asking me now that you're a father, could you tell me how
the whole process works? Just as a joke outed, did you
come about that was she already had she already had kids when
you met her or yeah. April That's why I've never
understood like the the birds and the bees conversation that
people have like. I've never heard how it actually
goes. I don't have sex with a bee or
something. It seems like the long weird
back around way of just telling them how it works.
I think if a bird had sex with a bee and make a Hummingbird, I
wonder if that's part of it. Yeah, I don't know.
I don't think my parents ever told me.
I think I don't know, I. You need to figure it out
yourself. I feel like you're when you're a
little kid, you're you just talk about that with your friends,
you know? Yeah, when you're a little boy.
Yeah, I remember in, like, fifth grade, like someone was telling
me in depth what a tampon was and how it worked and why it
happened. And I was like, what?
Because I remember they told me the whole thing.
And I was like, and then I went home and I thought about it like
all night. And then I came back the next
day. I was like that whole lesson
from yesterday go over that a second time.
I'm going to need a refresher on that because that's going to be.
Talking about diaphragms and you're like, I need you to back
up yesterday's. I think this is going to be on
the quiz later in life. I'm going to need you to go over
that lesson one more time. That was what's funny is that
that stands out as like one of the most educational days I've
ever had in school. And it wasn't even from a
teacher. Like hold up what?
Tell me a second time. So.
They like piss all over it or I'm very confused.
That that was something that he was not able to answer, but I
remember being like, how do they not pee all over it?
Yeah. Well, they take them out and put
a new one in all the time. I think that's how you know you
have a good teacher too, is when they're explaining something to
you and then you leave with more questions than you arrived.
It's like they've opened up a world inside your mind that you
want to explore. She could track down that guy to
have him on the podcast I've got.
Yeah, I got a couple questions I've always been too too bashful
to ask. You might forget this lesson you
gave about 20 something years ago.
So I've always regarded you as my greatest teacher.
Hey man, how are you doing? You probably don't Remember Me,
but you told me what a pussy. Was.
He's just like a helpless guy. Hey, dude, you're like kind of
like a hugely inspirational figure in my life.
I think tampons are good there for putting vodka on them,
shoving them up my ass. I don't think that was the
lesson. Well, we're skipping some
lessons here. You've obviously advanced their
curriculum since we last spoke. Please, Sir, start from the
beginning. Vodka on a Tam bond of the ass.
That's that's legendary dude. Dude, if we could bring that
technology to the Aztecs back in the day, they would have loved
that. Get your head cut off they.
Would have. Loved that shit but this up your
asshole. They have no idea what you're
saying. Oh shit no.
My headphone cords wrapped around my wheel.
That's the worst. Yeah, it is.
It is. April Fool ready?
Fuck, hey, that would be a great April Fools if I said all right,
now let's start the episode. And I hadn't actually started
recording. And that would be such a good
April. I would be really.
Because I'm about tapped out and it's 505.
All right, I'm going to go have dinner.
I'm going to go do some homework for the next episode about two
different things to figure out what's better are.
You going to put that trail Cam up so we can see these people?
Give me a deadline, just order me a trail Cam and send it to my
house. How often do they pass through
the property? For a minute there is every day.
I haven't seen them in a couple days.
OK, I want to have it up for three months so we have a good
library. What if I'm like, horrified by
what I see? There's like people crawling on
their hands every night, going by my house, digging up my yard
and eating like worms and shit. I I'd be so scared to look
through the footage. But yeah, we could do three
months of trail Cam. Yeah.
What if there's just like it's just Pip standing on 2 feet?
Yeah, smoking is smoking cigarettes with your other dogs
like. I'm so sick of that guy.
What about you guys? That fucking sucks.
And then they hear you go like, then they go, oh shit, just put
it out on the wall, run away on all fours.
Talking to each other. So a tampon.
Yeah, how do they not pee on it? Yeah, I only make one puppy
normally. Why is their penis not like a
red little creepy thing? That'll be honest.
Yeah, I'll put it up. Should we find we can doctor
some footage if it doesn't find anything good too.
Some VFX modern technology. Oh my God, a Doctor Manhattan.
Oh God, a mortal engine? Magneto fought a mortal engine.
I miss you. Oh my God.
Alrighty anyways guys, we'll see you next time.
Yeah, April Fools.