1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:04,040
Maggie, good morning everybody. 
How we doing this morning? 

2
00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,880
Good, good to see you happy 
beginning of February break. 

3
00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:13,360
I know many of us are feeling 
the urge for some sunshine. 

4
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,760
A lot of people are traveling 
this week. 

5
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:21,000
I think most most people here 
know me, if not I'm Josh. 

6
00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:24,000
Glad to see you. 
I'm excited about this series 

7
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:29,040
that we are in together Rewired 
by love and I'm excited this 

8
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:33,520
morning as we dive into one of 
my favorite texts in all of 

9
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:37,000
scripture and talk about 
conflict. 

10
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:42,800
Everybody say yay conflict. 
All right, well, this morning 

11
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,400
I'm I'm so excited to be talking
about this because really, 

12
00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:50,000
really what we're talking about 
this morning is how to cultivate

13
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:53,120
thick community. 
And I want to suggest to you 

14
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:57,800
that we find in the text today a
beautiful, a beautiful pattern 

15
00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:02,880
for rupture and repair. 
And we also uncover a truth that

16
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:07,640
is critically important for us, 
which is that that we live in a 

17
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:12,240
double bind between two things 
that we want at the same time, 

18
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,280
but that have a have an 
interesting and difficult 

19
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,080
relationship. 
Because I believe that on the 

20
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:24,920
one hand, all of us want deep, 
thick, connected, intimate 

21
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:29,240
relationships of belonging, and 
on the other hand, all of us 

22
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:33,040
want our relationships to be 
tension and conflict free. 

23
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,760
Am I right? 
I have bad news. 

24
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:39,160
Those things are mutually 
exclusive. 

25
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:44,160
And so this morning I want to, I
want to suggest to you as we 

26
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:47,560
continue this series, that that 
much of what we want is 

27
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:51,800
paradoxically on the other side 
of rupture and repair. 

28
00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:55,280
And this text points us in the 
direction of that. 

29
00:01:56,240 --> 00:02:01,720
In his book Modern Romance, 
comedian Aziz Ansari recounts a 

30
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,160
painful incident that I think 
it's probably familiar for a lot

31
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:10,479
of us in in one way or another. 
He had met a girl at a party. 

32
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,880
There was a lot of chemistry. 
They connected, everything felt 

33
00:02:14,920 --> 00:02:17,520
awesome. 
Got the number. 

34
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:20,920
So the next day he he sends a 
text. 

35
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,680
He says, hey, we had we're 
vibing to this music. 

36
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:27,720
Last night I found out that this
band is going to be in town. 

37
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:32,040
Would you want to go with me? 
And then, of course, sits in the

38
00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:35,880
uncomfortable waiting as all of 
us know who have sent a text 

39
00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,440
that felt vulnerable where we 
weren't sure what the response 

40
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:41,840
was. 
He's compulsively checking his 

41
00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:44,880
phone. 
And then there's the sign. 

42
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:49,080
The message has been read. 
The bubbles pop up and begin to 

43
00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:51,160
populate. 
You know how they do on the 

44
00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:52,840
screen? 
They're flashing when somebody 

45
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:57,200
is typing and they flash and 
they flash and they go away and 

46
00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,480
then they flash and then they 
flash and then they go away and 

47
00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:05,240
then nothing. 
And as he starts to, he starts 

48
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,760
to ask himself, like, did I miss
something? 

49
00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:09,880
Maybe I said something wrong? 
Did I? 

50
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,960
Did I misread the no, no, no, 
I'm sure everything is great. 

51
00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:16,920
He tries to reassure himself. 
She's, you know, she probably 

52
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:18,480
got busy. 
She's probably working. 

53
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,480
Maybe, maybe she got caught in 
you know what? 

54
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,520
Probably she's trying to play it
cool. 

55
00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:27,120
I'm sure she'll get back to me. 
We had chemistry. 

56
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:32,880
I know time passes an hour, 2 
hours, 24 hours. 

57
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:36,120
And now he's in it. 
Like the stories have just 

58
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:40,360
exploded into full on, like the 
paranoia, right? 

59
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:43,280
Maybe the phone fall fell into a
volcano. 

60
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:45,440
Maybe maybe she fell into a 
volcano. 

61
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:46,840
Wait, why am I even worried 
about this? 

62
00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,280
Maybe she's dead. 
I should be concerned about her.

63
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:52,280
What's going on? 
And so he does what many of us 

64
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:55,920
probably would do, right? 
When you don't get that text, he

65
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,400
goes on social media to see 
what's happening, right? 

66
00:03:58,400 --> 00:03:59,960
Is she alive? 
Is she OK? 

67
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:03,640
Is she out there in the world? 
And sure enough, she just posted

68
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:06,160
on Instagram. 
She is alive. 

69
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,080
She has a phone and she is not 
responding. 

70
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,720
What the heck? 
He begins to think, well, maybe,

71
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,600
maybe, maybe I should, maybe I 
should send an Instagram. 

72
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,560
Maybe something's wrong with her
text. 

73
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:22,640
And then slowly starts to like 
sit with the realization to let 

74
00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:27,400
it sink in, right? 
He stops himself and says I'm 

75
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:32,600
being ghosted. 
Many of you have had an 

76
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,440
experience like this in one way 
or the other. 

77
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:37,560
Maybe maybe it was in a dating 
relationship. 

78
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:41,040
Of course, this is where I think
the term comes from, to be 

79
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:44,240
ghosted for for somebody to just
evaporate into the air in this 

80
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:48,040
kind of a way. 
But I, I, I named this story not

81
00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:51,680
because it's unique, but because
in many ways it's so familiar. 

82
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:56,200
Like maybe in a dating context 
or or maybe just in a friendship

83
00:04:56,200 --> 00:05:00,440
context, maybe with a Co worker 
who you really vibed with and 

84
00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:04,760
then left the office, Maybe in a
group where somebody was part of

85
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:07,400
your community group. 
And then and then disappeared 

86
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:10,000
without a word or without 
closing the loop. 

87
00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,360
So many of us have had this 
experience where we we thought 

88
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:17,120
there was a connection and then 
all of a sudden somebody just 

89
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:22,760
left without a word, without an 
explanation, without anything. 

90
00:05:24,080 --> 00:05:29,280
This was so evocative for Aziz, 
who is a stand up comedian, that

91
00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:32,560
he he brought it into his set 
the next night and as he 

92
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:36,000
described his experience of 
being ghosted, he got so much 

93
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,120
resonance in the room that he 
ended up turning it into a full 

94
00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,960
blown book. 
He he brought in a sociologist 

95
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,760
to help study the dynamics and 
you could go read it. 

96
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,160
It's an interesting book called 
Modern Romance. 

97
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,360
In the book, there was an 
interesting study right at the 

98
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,680
beginning that I found 
fascinating, kind of mind 

99
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:59,920
blowing. 
He cites that that he cites A 

100
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:06,200
sociologist who names that close
to 100 years ago, 1/3 of all 

101
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:10,360
couples who were married in this
in the in a particular study 

102
00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:14,360
that was done in the city of 
Philadelphia lived within five 

103
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:17,720
blocks of each other. 
Isn't that crazy? 

104
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:23,400
A 1/3 of married couples like 
had actually lived within five 

105
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:27,760
blocks of each other. 
That's a wildly different world 

106
00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:30,600
than we live in now, isn't it? 
Right. 

107
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:36,280
How many of us end up dating or,
or, or, or or even living in the

108
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:39,400
places that we grew up? 
So many of us don't live close 

109
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,640
to family. 
We end up moving from job to 

110
00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:44,480
job. 
We, we relocate at some point. 

111
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:48,640
Many of us here in this room are
transplants of 1 variety or 

112
00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:52,680
another. 
And, and, and one of the results

113
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,440
of this is that we so easily 
ended up in a space where all of

114
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,160
our relationships are segmented,
right? 

115
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:02,760
Our coworkers don't know our 
friends, our friends don't know 

116
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:05,440
our neighbors, our neighbors 
don't know our family. 

117
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,560
None of the people in our lives 
know each other. 

118
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:13,400
And in this space of anonymity, 
in this space where relational 

119
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:17,680
repercussions don't carry over 
from 1 space to another, the 

120
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:21,840
thick web of relationships which
held a level of accountability 

121
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:25,280
for how we showed up and 
incentivized people to behave in

122
00:07:25,280 --> 00:07:29,280
a particular way has now 
devolved to the point we're so 

123
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:34,200
often people exit relationships 
without so much as, hey, I don't

124
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:37,160
see this going anywhere. 
It was nice meeting you. 

125
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,480
I know some of you have been on 
the receiving end of this in one

126
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,560
context or another. 
And look, my point this morning 

127
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:50,080
is not to argue that we need to 
return to some version of the 

128
00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:53,800
olden days, right where we had 
limited romantic and vocational 

129
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,960
prospects and everybody lived on
the same block. 

130
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,480
There are specific pieces of 
that that appeal to me. 

131
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:02,120
But I think in that all of us 
would look around and we'd say 

132
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:06,120
more choices, more options, more
relationships, more vocation is 

133
00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:09,600
a good thing. 
We like the trade-offs in many 

134
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,160
ways. 
We prefer the context in which 

135
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:16,200
we Live Today. 
But the reason I named this 

136
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:20,200
dynamic for us is because I 
think the context in which we 

137
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:25,600
live is also forming us towards 
a version of thin relationships,

138
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:32,240
transactional relationships, 
easy exits that pervades not 

139
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:37,240
only social media apps and 
dating algorithms, but also the 

140
00:08:37,240 --> 00:08:41,080
ways that we then show up in 
community, the ways that we 

141
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:43,799
relate to church and one 
another. 

142
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:51,720
In our text today, we find Jesus
and Peter in the wake of the 

143
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:56,520
deepest rupture imaginable. 
Their relationship has been 

144
00:08:56,840 --> 00:09:00,760
devastatingly broken. 
And, and this is so significant 

145
00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:04,720
because Jesus and Peter come 
into this moment having been as 

146
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:09,440
close as two people could be. 
Like for the last three years 

147
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:13,920
they have been in lock step with
each other, traveling together, 

148
00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:18,440
eating together, working 
together, sleeping in the same 

149
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,480
places, getting up in the same 
routines, right? 

150
00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:25,680
Peter and Jesus have been as 
tight as you can be. 

151
00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:30,840
But now in the final chapter, 
the relationship is 

152
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:35,400
horrendously, devastatingly 
broken by Peter's betrayal. 

153
00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:41,280
Peter has abandoned his friend 
in his most crucial moment. 

154
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:44,000
And it and it wasn't just the 
fact that, you know, they saw 

155
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,000
things differently or they had a
misunderstanding. 

156
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:52,000
No, Jesus was in a moment of 
crisis, a moment of his deepest 

157
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:57,920
need, and Peter abandoned him. 
Not just abandoned, but betrayed

158
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:01,280
him. 
If this isn't bad enough, Jesus 

159
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:04,520
had actually told Peter. 
He'd actually predicted that 

160
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,240
Peter would hurt him in this 
way. 

161
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:11,880
We go back to John chapter 13 
and and Peter swears to Jesus, I

162
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:14,520
will lay down my life for you, 
he says. 

163
00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:23,520
And Jesus says really before 
morning you will disown me in 

164
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:27,480
John 13 verse 38. 
And then Peter does exactly 

165
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,480
that. 
Not once, but three times. 

166
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:35,080
As Jesus is being LED away to 
his death, his best friend 

167
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:41,000
swears that he had never met 
him, trying to cowardly save his

168
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:43,960
own skin. 
Three times. 

169
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,960
And that's the end. 
Jesus is LED away to his death. 

170
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:53,440
Now look, of course Peter is not
responsible for Jesus execution,

171
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:57,920
but Peter does fail his friend. 
The relationship is broken about

172
00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:02,360
as traumatically as you can do. 
Can we agree that this is a 

173
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:06,240
pretty major rupture in their 
relationship? 

174
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:12,400
And because we already know how 
the story turns out at the end, 

175
00:11:12,400 --> 00:11:17,040
I think it's so easy for us to 
miss how dramatic the repair 

176
00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:20,080
that we find in chapter 21 of 
John's gospel is. 

177
00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:24,800
See, because we know how it 
goes, because we know how who 

178
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:28,400
Peter becomes, it's easy to just
bleed all of the tension from 

179
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,720
the story. 
But I mean, consider this for 

180
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:36,040
just a second. 
If somebody betrayed you in this

181
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:41,760
kind of a way, if they let you 
down at this level, if you were 

182
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:46,240
hurt this profoundly, how would 
you respond? 

183
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:52,640
How would you react? 
What would be your go to way of 

184
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:57,000
navigating the relationship? 
Like, we might blow them off, we

185
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,560
might tell them off and explode 
in rage. 

186
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:03,360
We might go around and try to 
assassinate their reputation by 

187
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:07,240
telling everyone that we knew 
all of our mutuals about who 

188
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:08,800
they were and how they had shown
up. 

189
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:14,520
Perhaps we'd freeze them out and
hold them at a distance, right, 

190
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,960
afraid to ever let them close 
again after they had caused us 

191
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,720
so much pain. 
In our thin relational world, 

192
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,360
most of the time people just 
quietly leave. 

193
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:27,560
They exit for a new 
relationship, a new 

194
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:31,800
conversation, a new friend 
group, a new church community. 

195
00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:35,840
And I think it's worth asking. 
It's worth imagining. 

196
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:39,840
Like how the story might have 
played out differently if Jesus 

197
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:44,280
would have responded in the way 
that I and, and maybe you might 

198
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:49,160
have in this situation. 
Like Can you imagine if, if the 

199
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,960
rest of the gospel from this 
point forward and John does not 

200
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:57,560
include Peter? 
Like there's no Pentecost where 

201
00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:01,480
Peter preaches and 5000 come to 
faith. 

202
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:05,560
The Holy Spirit falls and the 
church is founded, or at least 

203
00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,840
it looks very different. 
Like there's no moment where 

204
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:12,440
Cornelius comes to faith in 
this, this, this break between 

205
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:16,440
Jew and Gentile is, is, is 
transformed and, and, and people

206
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:19,840
like me begin to come into the 
faith, people who are not a 

207
00:13:19,840 --> 00:13:24,640
Jewish ancestry, right? 
The, the Bible looks different. 

208
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,400
The, the whole story of our 
faith looks different. 

209
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:32,160
Peter goes on to not just engage
in some like tacit, fragile, 

210
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:35,560
cold, weak, kind of weird 
relationship that never fully 

211
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,800
recovers. 
Jesus gives this dude the keys 

212
00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:42,480
to his Kingdom. 
He he becomes the rock on which 

213
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:45,920
Jesus builds his church, one of 
the the most influential, the 

214
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:50,200
most important, the most trusted
and centered people in all of 

215
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:55,640
Christian history. 
And this all happens downstream 

216
00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:03,080
of this rupture and repair. 
How many of us can say that 

217
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:05,560
we've actually repaired 
relationships in this kind of 

218
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,640
way? 
Like I don't probably not me. 

219
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:14,000
And and look, my point this 
morning is not to, to minimize 

220
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:17,760
the pain, to just kind of brush 
over it, to gloss over it, say 

221
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,920
like, oh, no big deal. 
We should always, always get 

222
00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:24,320
along and get together that 
everybody should be cool and we 

223
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:25,840
should brush our problems under 
the rug. 

224
00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:30,680
That's not what I'm saying. 
I'm not suggesting that that 

225
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,680
relationships, when they are 
broken, when trust is broken, 

226
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:37,200
when when people show up 
selfishly or or falsely in 

227
00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:40,080
relationships, that we don't 
hurt and wound each other in in 

228
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,960
real, profound and serious ways.
Look, I get it. 

229
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:46,560
I've been there. 
I carry those wounds. 

230
00:14:47,760 --> 00:14:52,920
I've given some of those wounds.
When our relationships are 

231
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:57,640
fractured, it hurts deeply. 
In fact, neuroscientists would 

232
00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:02,880
suggest that the the brain 
circuits that light up, that we 

233
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:08,760
see show up on, on, on like an 
FM, RI scanner when we are in a 

234
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,800
relational rupture are the same 
exact circuits that show up when

235
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:15,280
we experience physical pain, 
right? 

236
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:19,080
Our bodies scream at us when 
we're in a relational rupture. 

237
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:23,080
We say you're in danger, you're 
hurting, and that hurt is real. 

238
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:28,800
Not only is it real, but, but 
our, our biology reads that as a

239
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:32,960
deep and severe threat, 
particularly when people who are

240
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:37,320
important or close to us, we 
experience a break in that 

241
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,680
relationship. 
And it's fascinating book on the

242
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:42,720
the history of humankind. 
You've all know a Harare 

243
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:47,520
explains that humans did not 
outlast our the lions and the 

244
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,800
bears and, and, and we didn't 
get our, our spot at the top of 

245
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,480
the food chain because we were 
the biggest or the strongest or 

246
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:58,920
had the most bite force or the 
most speed or aggression, right.

247
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,280
We're, we're pretty weak and 
fragile things really. 

248
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,240
Our superpower is in our 
connectedness. 

249
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,040
It's in our ability to, to stay 
together, to bond with others, 

250
00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:14,880
to cooperate at large scale. 
This is this is what allows 

251
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,000
humans to, to be at the top of 
the food chain. 

252
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:22,120
And so there's something in our 
brain that goes off, a signal 

253
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,000
that warns us when we're in 
relational rupture, when things 

254
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,960
are not OK, when our our 
community is broken, part of our

255
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,720
bodies, our biology, our brains 
start to scream at us. 

256
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:36,680
You are not safe if you are 
abandoned, if you are cut off, 

257
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,560
if you are ostracized, you might
die. 

258
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:45,000
Now, today in our world, that's 
probably not the case, but it 

259
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:48,800
certainly was for millennia. 
And our biology still believes 

260
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:54,040
that our bodies still ache with 
the pain of relational rupture. 

261
00:16:57,480 --> 00:17:00,880
But despite the pain, despite 
how significant it is, I believe

262
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,280
what we see not only in this 
text but also in our biology is 

263
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,119
that that we were made for 
repair. 

264
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,880
Ruptures. 
Can be repaired and learning 

265
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:15,520
that circuitry, developing those
muscles to actually fix what's 

266
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:19,440
broken, to restore what's been 
injured is absolutely 

267
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:24,800
fundamental to being human. 
Attachment theorists talk about 

268
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,480
it in this way. 
They they explain a dance 

269
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,680
between intimacy and 
independence that begins to 

270
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,840
happen from our earliest stages 
of childhood development. 

271
00:17:34,560 --> 00:17:38,040
Right at the very beginning, if 
you if you watch a baby and it's

272
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:40,880
mom, it stares into it's mom's 
eyes. 

273
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:44,560
That's intimacy right then it 
begins to get overwhelmed. 

274
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:47,840
At some point the intimacy 
becomes too much, too intense, 

275
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:49,760
right? 
And so they'll be some giggles, 

276
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,120
they'll be some looking away. 
That's it. 

277
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,840
A tiny, tiny, tiny little 
rupture. 

278
00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:57,600
The nervous system regulates 
and, and they come back for more

279
00:17:57,600 --> 00:18:00,560
intimacy. 
And this happens in, in bigger 

280
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,000
and bigger loops as we go 
through our lives. 

281
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,800
This, this, this dance of 
rupture and repair. 

282
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,600
Or at least that's the design 
it's supposed to. 

283
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:15,080
On Friday, my daughter and my 4 
year old daughter Ava had a 

284
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:19,240
couple of friends over at our 
house and they were super 

285
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:21,520
excited. 
Ava had been handing out 

286
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:25,080
Valentine's Day gifts to all of 
her friends which were were Dino

287
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,240
themed. 
And so they were going with the 

288
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,120
state this, this, this game. 
They were being dinosaurs. 

289
00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,760
We all the adults were in the 
kitchen kind of having a 

290
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:36,280
conversation. 
We turned to look and every 

291
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:40,760
linen blanket, pillow in the 
house had been commandeered and 

292
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:45,080
drug into the living room and 
and forts were being created 

293
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,680
that apparently were were 
dinosaur nests where they were 

294
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,840
all going to be sitting and and 
hatching their Dino eggs. 

295
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,440
It was a lot of laundry and also
super adorable. 

296
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:58,920
And as they were playing, they 
were having this fantastic time.

297
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:01,080
Everything was great. 
They were all connected. 

298
00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:04,160
They were being independent. 
They were flexing their muscle 

299
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,720
of independence from their 
parents. 

300
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:11,720
And then, oh, man, my buddy Mike
told his girls, it's time to go.

301
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,720
It's bedtime. 
And you would have thought like 

302
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:20,560
a warhead had gone off, like Ava
just completely lost. 

303
00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:23,640
She, she had been helping her 
friends with their nests, but 

304
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:26,960
her nest was unfinished. 
She hadn't had the chance to 

305
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,720
build it, to sit in it to, to 
care for her eggs in this 

306
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:31,120
imaginary game that they were 
playing. 

307
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:36,400
And she was distraught, 
unregulated, crashed out. 

308
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:40,680
It took a while. 
Eventually, you know the friends

309
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,440
did in fact leave because. 
Life goes on. 

310
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,200
Disappointment is real. 
We encounter it in our lives. 

311
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,920
And you know, Allie and I came 
to her. 

312
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:52,800
Allie threw a blanket over the 
dining room table and said this 

313
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,280
could be your nest. 
I crawled under the table with 

314
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:59,120
her and began to talk in silly 
voices and just comfort her and 

315
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:02,120
ask her what was going on and 
distract her a little bit and 

316
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:05,560
care for her. 
Eventually she, she came back, 

317
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:08,400
she was able to regulate, she 
was able to be soothed. 

318
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,360
And then before long again, 
she's out flexing more 

319
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:14,240
independence, going out doing 
her thing. 

320
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:20,920
And, and, and this, this dance 
is something that all of us do, 

321
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:24,920
all of us experience, right? 
We started at, at infants and 

322
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:29,800
then throughout our lives on a 
daily, we go through this cycle 

323
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:34,480
of rupture and repair rupture 
anytime according to attachment 

324
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,520
theory, any time where our, our 
nervous system gets overtaxed, 

325
00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,840
where we get over stimulated, 
where, where things are beyond 

326
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:44,720
our window of tolerance, which 
kicks us into this, this fight 

327
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,760
flight mode that you may be 
familiar with, right? 

328
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:51,120
Where we respond in these these 
ways and, and we need to come 

329
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:53,400
back. 
This is so interesting. 

330
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:57,040
We need to come back to that 
attachment figure who functions 

331
00:20:57,040 --> 00:21:00,360
as a safe haven, who says, Hey, 
I got you, Let me help you to 

332
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,680
regulate, let me help you to 
connect. 

333
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,400
We talked about how these 
attachment filters are formed, 

334
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,560
what we expect from other people
back in Week 2 of this series. 

335
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:14,000
We're designed to have someone 
to have a people who can say in 

336
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:19,640
these moments to us, I see you, 
I care about you, you're OK, 

337
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:23,280
I've got you. 
And of course, some of us in 

338
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,360
childhood experienced it this 
and some of us did not. 

339
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:30,920
Some of us developed scripts 
that like, I'm OK when I'm in 

340
00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:34,680
distress, I can connect with 
other people in my distress. 

341
00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,760
I can bring it into 
relationships. 

342
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:38,560
Those relationships will hold 
me. 

343
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,600
And others of us grew up with 
very different messages, 

344
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,760
messages like you got to take 
care of this on your own. 

345
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:50,960
Nobody has space for you, right?
There's not room for you to 

346
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,240
actually be distressed. 
Like, keep it together, man. 

347
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,320
We grow up with different 
scripts. 

348
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:01,480
But what neuroscience, 
attachment theory, and also 

349
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:07,120
Scripture points us to is that 
repair is intended to happen not

350
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:09,000
just on our own. 
It's not just a matter of 

351
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:12,840
journaling and breath work and 
affirmations, not against any of

352
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:16,280
those things, but it's actually 
something that's supposed to 

353
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:21,440
happen in our relationships. 
Our distress is to be soothed 

354
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:25,120
with others. 
From our earliest. 

355
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:28,960
Moments our attachment figures 
help us to Co regulate to 

356
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:32,840
support us to bring us back to 
baseline to tell us it's OK that

357
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:36,880
we're held now. 
Look I get adult relationships 

358
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:40,960
are a lot more complicated in 
some ways than parent child 

359
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,600
relationships. 
Not all wounds and injuries that

360
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,920
we experience in community are 
the same as my friends have to 

361
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:50,480
leave now. 
Sometimes. 

362
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:55,960
We're betrayed, hurt, lied to, 
cheated on, taken advantage of. 

363
00:22:56,360 --> 00:23:02,120
People show up with selfishness.
They're inconsiderate, right? 

364
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:06,600
We experience real wounds and, 
and, and often times that, that 

365
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:09,480
repair requires a rebuilding of 
trust. 

366
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,960
It requires a, an establishment 
of safety, right? 

367
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:17,040
There's more to it than just a 
regulation of the nervous 

368
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,600
system, but it's not less than 
that. 

369
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:23,960
I will say that it actually, it 
often starts there. 

370
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:29,600
And the reason I, I, I go into 
this detail to, to explain all 

371
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:32,400
of this to you is, is simply 
this. 

372
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:36,640
There's actually a purpose in 
this cycle there. 

373
00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:37,960
There's a point to rupture and 
repair. 

374
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:41,120
It's not something that, that we
can escape or avoid. 

375
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:46,880
The ideal community is not one 
in which we never get ouches, 

376
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,960
where we're never upset or 
disappointed, where nobody ever 

377
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:55,160
treats us wrong, where we're 
never experienced a spark of, of

378
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:58,640
judgment or, or or or somebody 
pushing us away, somebody 

379
00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:02,080
disagreeing with us or holding 
different views. 

380
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:07,320
Like the goal is not to 
experience ruptures. 

381
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:13,280
The goal is actually to develop 
our competence, to return to 

382
00:24:13,280 --> 00:24:18,400
connection and joy over and over
again with people. 

383
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:24,000
When we attempt to settle for 
for a community, a space that 

384
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:27,360
that doesn't involve ruptures, 
that's purely safe, that we're 

385
00:24:27,360 --> 00:24:30,680
we're always held where everyone
always shows up perfectly. 

386
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:35,720
We end up settling for 
communities, for relationships 

387
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:40,720
where we are just always swiping
on to the next, always trying to

388
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:43,240
find that perfect community 
where everybody shows up 

389
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:46,160
perfectly, where we're always 
feel safe, where none of our 

390
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:49,880
buttons ever get pushed. 
I can tell you. 

391
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:53,520
That community doesn't exist. 
You're not going to find it. 

392
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,480
And if you do, please don't join
it. 

393
00:24:55,480 --> 00:25:00,000
You will mess it up because 
because you're a mess. 

394
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,400
I'm a mess. 
We are a mess. 

395
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:05,680
We are messy people. 
I love how CS Lewis put it. 

396
00:25:05,680 --> 00:25:08,000
He said it so profoundly in his 
book The Four Loves. 

397
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:11,160
He says to love at all is to be 
vulnerable. 

398
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,280
To love at all. 
Is to be vulnerable, he says. 

399
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:19,360
Love anything and your heart 
will be wrung and possibly 

400
00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:23,360
broken. 
Here's the solution, he says. 

401
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:27,640
If you want to keep your heart 
intact, give it to no one. 

402
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:30,000
Not even an. 
Animal. 

403
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:34,200
No pets. 
Wrap it carefully round with 

404
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:38,680
hobbies and little luxuries and 
void all entanglements. 

405
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:43,000
Lock it up safe in the casket or
coffin of your selfishness. 

406
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,720
But in that. 
Casket safe, dark, motionless, 

407
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:49,400
airless. 
It will change. 

408
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:54,320
It will not be broken. 
It will become unbreakable, 

409
00:25:55,360 --> 00:26:01,560
impenetrable, irredeemable. 
To love is to be vulnerable, 

410
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:05,000
says Louis. 
And friends, this is what I'm 

411
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:08,960
trying to communicate to you 
this morning is that, look, it's

412
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:11,760
not that every relationship is 
deserving of repair. 

413
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:15,520
It's not that everybody is safe.
OK? 

414
00:26:17,640 --> 00:26:20,360
I could, I could get into an 
entire series on on conflict 

415
00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:21,560
here. 
And that's not what we're doing 

416
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:24,080
today. 
My point is, is simpler and it's

417
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:26,680
more foundational. 
It's that we. 

418
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,120
Live in a society. 
We live in a moment. 

419
00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:34,400
We live in a culture where we 
are being trained to live thinly

420
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:39,760
and to exit quickly, and if we 
follow the pattern, the prompts 

421
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:44,040
of our culture, we will 
inevitably create and experience

422
00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:47,520
only the kind of thin community 
where we cannot really belong, 

423
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:52,240
where we cannot really change. 
If we. 

424
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,360
Long to experience 
transformation, depth, 

425
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:58,480
belonging. 
We have to stick around long 

426
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:03,960
enough to have friction, to have
disagreements, to be 

427
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:07,640
uncomfortable. 
Sometimes it's the only way to 

428
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,360
really get to that level of 
depth. 

429
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:16,840
I love this story here with 
Jesus and Peter because I wonder

430
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:21,320
if what we see in John 21 where 
I want to return to and see how 

431
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:25,480
they repair this relationship. 
But I actually wonder if what we

432
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:29,280
see in John 21 is only possible 
because of the history that 

433
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:32,960
Jesus and Peter have built. 
Because. 

434
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:37,880
Over and over and over again 
through their story, like it's 

435
00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:41,240
been like a whole history of 
ruptures and repairs. 

436
00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:44,400
Over and over and over. 
They've built a level of 

437
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:48,800
tolerance of trust as Peter's 
stories have begun to be rewired

438
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:52,400
by how Jesus has shown up in the
relationship. 

439
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:57,360
Look with me, will you? 
Like at the very beginning of 

440
00:27:57,360 --> 00:28:03,600
the relationship, Luke chapter 
5, what happens like Jesus meets

441
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:08,240
Peter, Peter's on the boat. 
He's out fishing and, and, and 

442
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:11,400
Jesus performs a miracle. 
There's this incredible catch of

443
00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:16,520
fish and Jesus calls to them 
from the boat. 

444
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,720
How does Peter respond? 
He's overwhelmed. 

445
00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:27,600
He, he moves beyond his, his 
threshold of tolerance, right? 

446
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:31,160
His window of tolerance. 
He's he's taken aback by this 

447
00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:35,000
encounter with divinity, right, 
being called out. 

448
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:38,360
He thinks that that he's not 
going to be able to to perform 

449
00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:42,000
that getting this close, this 
much intimacy is scary. 

450
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:46,520
And so he responds out of fear, 
he says, go away from me, Lord. 

451
00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:50,040
In Luke 5 and verse eight, I am 
a sinful man. 

452
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:55,520
Peter Survival. 
Strategies are strong, like I'm 

453
00:28:55,520 --> 00:29:00,960
broken, we can't get that close.
If we do, I will inevitably be 

454
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,160
rejected. 
So stay away from me. 

455
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:09,360
Jesus responds to Peter not by 
respecting. 

456
00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:12,840
This is a healthy boundary that 
needs to be accepted and 

457
00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:15,800
respected. 
Like Jesus gets what's? 

458
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:20,240
Going on here and so instead of 
being like OK, no problem Peter.

459
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:24,920
If that's what you need. 
Right now, he says no, no, no, 

460
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:28,600
Peter, don't be afraid. 
I'm going to make you a Fisher 

461
00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:30,720
of men. 
Jesus. 

462
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:34,000
Moves towards Peter, he presses 
and he creates a context of 

463
00:29:34,000 --> 00:29:37,440
safety and invites him into 
intimacy. 

464
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:41,240
In Matthew chapter 14, we see 
that Peter is with the other 

465
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:43,480
disciples. 
They're crossing the lake of 

466
00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:44,640
Galilee. 
The same Blake. 

467
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:46,400
There's a lot of rupture and 
repair that happens on this 

468
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:50,400
lake. 
Guys, it's night, it's windy and

469
00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:54,040
a storm kicks up. 
The boat is is being thrashed 

470
00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:56,880
about and the disciples are 
fearful they're going to drown. 

471
00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:01,040
Peter's right in the. 
Middle of that, and then as 

472
00:30:01,040 --> 00:30:03,560
they're fighting for their 
lives, they see a ghost that's 

473
00:30:03,560 --> 00:30:05,080
coming to take them to the 
underworld. 

474
00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:09,440
That's what they think the text 
says that they cry out in fear, 

475
00:30:09,440 --> 00:30:11,400
that they were terrified. 
Peter shrieks. 

476
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:17,160
Jesus responds. 
He says, hey, take courage, it's

477
00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:21,000
me. 
I am coming to you right now. 

478
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,520
And Peter? 
Does there's this little 

479
00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:27,120
rupture, There's a repair or I 
don't, Maybe it's a big rupture.

480
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:32,520
And then Peter, bold as he is, 
moves through his anxiety and 

481
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:34,680
says, hey, I want to play. 
Can I walk in the water too? 

482
00:30:34,680 --> 00:30:39,040
Can I come to you, Jesus? 
He steps out of the boat in 

483
00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:41,920
faith. 
He begins moving towards Jesus. 

484
00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:44,640
And what happens immediately out
of the window? 

485
00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:47,880
Tolerance. 
Again, there's waves crashing, 

486
00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:51,040
there's there's wind thrashing, 
like I'm going to drown. 

487
00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:56,960
He again shifts out of 
connection into protection. 

488
00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:00,840
Right. 
But he cries out. 

489
00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:03,480
He says, Lord help me. 
And Jesus. 

490
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:06,680
Doesn't stand back and give him 
a lecture on faith and 

491
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:10,440
responsibility and how you 
should have shown up like he 

492
00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:16,160
does debrief things in the boat.
OK, but first Jesus just reaches

493
00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:19,640
out and he grabs him. 
He says I got you, let me let me

494
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:21,520
get you safe, let me get you 
stable, let me get you 

495
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:25,240
regulated. 
And then let's talk about it not

496
00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:28,200
not as a rebuke, not as a 
condemnation, not as a you 

497
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:30,520
messed up and therefore you're 
gone. 

498
00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:34,680
But is that like, Hey, are you 
noticing he doesn't use this 

499
00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:36,080
word? 
But what Jesus is doing is he's 

500
00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:39,280
saying, Hey, are you noticing 
how your internal working models

501
00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:43,160
here assume that you have to 
handle everything on your own, 

502
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:46,040
that nobody's going to show up 
for you and support you right 

503
00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:48,920
now? 
That that you, you have to, to 

504
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:51,600
be in it to take care of it, 
that that the things are 

505
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:54,840
overwhelming. 
And, and so you just panic and 

506
00:31:54,840 --> 00:31:57,680
freeze up and he's saying, Hey, 
I got you. 

507
00:31:57,680 --> 00:32:01,520
You can trust me. 
Jesus doesn't reject him. 

508
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:03,600
He doesn't push away. 
In fact, in the very next 

509
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:06,600
passage in Matthew's Gospel, we 
see what the transfiguration. 

510
00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:12,440
Jesus invites him into deeper 
connection and restoration. 

511
00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:17,800
We have ruptured, we have 
repair. 2 chapters. 

512
00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:20,400
After this, Jesus predicts his 
suffering and death. 

513
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:23,080
He says, hey, we're going to 
Jerusalem and they're going to 

514
00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:28,200
kill me. 
Peter freaks out, like again, 

515
00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:31,520
outside the window of tolerance.
This is not what Peter expected.

516
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:33,360
This is not what he was hoping 
for. 

517
00:32:33,360 --> 00:32:35,240
This is not the vision of the 
future that he liked. 

518
00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:38,280
So he panics and out of his 
anxiety, what does he try to do?

519
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:40,040
He tries to control the 
situation. 

520
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:42,680
No, Jesus, that will not happen 
to you. 

521
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:46,520
And Jesus. 
Rebukes him sharply. 

522
00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:51,200
He says get behind me, Satan. 
Like Jesus? 

523
00:32:51,480 --> 00:32:53,240
I, I think, had some anxiety 
flaring too. 

524
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:57,400
He knew that there was a 
temptation in in, in Peter's 

525
00:32:57,680 --> 00:33:00,760
offer of a different direction 
that part of him wanted he. 

526
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:03,400
Didn't. 
Want to go to the cross? 

527
00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:06,600
So he prayed in. 
Golgotha, Lord, take this cup 

528
00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:11,040
from me. 
But Jesus knew who he was in his

529
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:13,320
integrity. 
He knew what he was called to 

530
00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:15,120
be. 
He says absolutely not. 

531
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:16,840
This is where I'm going. 
I'm committed to it. 

532
00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:20,240
There's a rupture in the 
relationship because they're not

533
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:22,760
aligned. 
They want different things. 

534
00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:24,880
They're going in different 
directions. 

535
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:29,160
Jesus doesn't. 
Reject him, but again, it brings

536
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:32,280
him close. 
The relationship is restored. 

537
00:33:32,640 --> 00:33:36,520
Rupture and repair. 
Rupture and repair over and over

538
00:33:36,520 --> 00:33:39,720
and over. 
Peter, as bold as he is, as 

539
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:43,920
courageous as he is, that relate
to Peter so deeply, like he's 

540
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:45,280
constantly putting his foot in 
his mouth. 

541
00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:49,520
He's constantly driven by 
anxiety and doing unhelpful 

542
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:53,720
things. 
All through the Gospels and all 

543
00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:57,400
through this same story, Jesus 
is over and over and over again,

544
00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:02,200
not condemning him, not 
rejecting him, but saying, hey, 

545
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:04,760
I got you. 
Like I see what's? 

546
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:07,360
Going on, there's a different 
way to show up here. 

547
00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:10,440
Come, come to me. 
Let me allow you. 

548
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:12,520
Let me function as that safe 
haven for you. 

549
00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:16,080
Let me function as that secure 
base from what you can launch. 

550
00:34:17,159 --> 00:34:19,480
They go through this. 
Pattern again and again and 

551
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:24,960
again, and then we get to like 
the worst rupture of all that 

552
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:27,480
we're on the other side of here 
in John chapter 21. 

553
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:31,400
And instead. 
Of rejecting Peter instead of 

554
00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:33,920
throwing him in the trash. 
Instead of saying I'm done with 

555
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:36,239
you, I'll find another leader 
for the church. 

556
00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:39,920
We'll just move on I guess. 
I still have got 10 qualified 

557
00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:44,560
apostles. 
Jesus comes towards Peter again 

558
00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:48,920
and I love how he does it here 
in John 21 we see in verse 5 he 

559
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:50,719
calls out, hey friends how about
you? 

560
00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:55,280
Any fish like Jesus shows up at 
Peter's old job. 

561
00:34:57,720 --> 00:35:01,800
Peter is in a shame storm. 
He is retreating to his old life

562
00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:05,280
before Jesus, believing that 
it's all over. 

563
00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:10,040
The relationship is done. 
I have, I have, I have 

564
00:35:10,080 --> 00:35:12,520
absolutely destroyed my 
relationship and there's no way 

565
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:14,960
back. 
Let me just go back to my life. 

566
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:18,720
And how does Jesus respond? 
First of all, through stuff that

567
00:35:18,720 --> 00:35:21,400
looks like small talk. 
It's not small. 

568
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:24,080
Talk. 
But Jesus is just signaling to 

569
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:28,440
him through a fire, through a 
meal, through an invitation to 

570
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:31,480
breakfast, through asking about 
the work. 

571
00:35:31,480 --> 00:35:35,720
He's kind of signaling to him. 
Hey man, I'm still here for you.

572
00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:39,080
I still want. 
Connection with you. 

573
00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:42,160
And then he does. 
In the story something profound,

574
00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:46,840
he tells them once again in 
verse 6, he says throw your net 

575
00:35:46,840 --> 00:35:50,360
on the right side of the boat. 
They do, and suddenly the Nets 

576
00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:52,840
are bursting. 
Now. 

577
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:55,240
Some of you know your Bibles 
well enough, have been paying 

578
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:58,600
attention long enough to catch 
that this is an echo of the 

579
00:35:58,600 --> 00:36:01,240
earlier story. 
The the one that we. 

580
00:36:01,240 --> 00:36:05,160
Just talked about that first 
time when Jesus met Peter. 

581
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:10,200
Peter saw this miracle of the 
fish and retreated in shame. 

582
00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:12,920
Here Peter is. 
Retreating in shame. 

583
00:36:12,920 --> 00:36:15,840
And Jesus comes back and 
performs the same miracle. 

584
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:19,040
He says, hey Peter, let's go 
back to the beginning. 

585
00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:21,400
Let's start. 
Over. 

586
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:24,520
I'm still here, I'm still 
showing up. 

587
00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:26,360
I'm still powerful and I still 
love you. 

588
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:31,520
I want to be restored. 
I want to be reconciled. 

589
00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:36,360
There is so much in this story 
and I wish, guys, I wish I could

590
00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:39,560
just go through all of John 21 
and unpack everything that Jesus

591
00:36:39,560 --> 00:36:42,720
does here, all the symbolism and
significance of the story. 

592
00:36:42,720 --> 00:36:46,080
But I want to stop here with 
this point this morning. 

593
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:53,440
And it is simply this that thick
community requires. 

594
00:36:55,000 --> 00:36:58,160
That we allow. 
Ourselves to hold in through 

595
00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:03,040
conflict, to navigate the cycle 
of rupture and repair. 

596
00:37:03,040 --> 00:37:06,240
I mean, can you, Can you 
imagine, can you like take a 

597
00:37:06,240 --> 00:37:10,280
minute and think to moments if 
you've had this, which maybe you

598
00:37:10,280 --> 00:37:12,800
haven't? 
What does it feel? 

599
00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:14,760
Like to be in that kind of 
community. 

600
00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:19,200
What does it feel? 
Like to be in those kinds of 

601
00:37:19,200 --> 00:37:23,840
relationships, not just a room 
full of people who be with you, 

602
00:37:23,840 --> 00:37:27,040
that's been carefully curated to
line up with all of your 

603
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:31,480
preferences and beliefs, not 
just. 

604
00:37:31,720 --> 00:37:34,280
A place where? 
There's no conflict because we 

605
00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:38,040
don't ever really talk about 
what's real or what's going on. 

606
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:41,240
Our disappointments, our ouches,
our preferences, our longings. 

607
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:45,120
But a community that is diverse 
and durable. 

608
00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:49,320
A space of relationships where 
you can can be known. 

609
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:51,560
Where you can exhale. 
Where you don't have to to to 

610
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:55,080
perform or pretend in order to 
belong. 

611
00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:59,960
Where your worst moment doesn't 
become your defining moment. 

612
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:02,200
Where? 
Where people? 

613
00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:06,520
Know that you're not like. 
Always the best, and they still 

614
00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:11,200
love you and they still accept 
you and they still invite you 

615
00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:13,840
towards change and 
transformation again and again. 

616
00:38:14,280 --> 00:38:19,520
A community where where conflict
is not a catastrophe because 

617
00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:20,880
you've. 
Forged a. 

618
00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:23,480
Bond that is strong enough to 
hold what's real. 

619
00:38:25,360 --> 00:38:27,120
A place where? 
Joy is not fragile because. 

620
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:31,960
Repair has become normative 
friends this. 

621
00:38:31,960 --> 00:38:35,000
Is what thick community looks. 
Like it's an incredibly 

622
00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:37,760
beautiful and precious thing. 
And, and, and to be honest with 

623
00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:40,120
you, most churches don't have 
it. 

624
00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:45,480
Most people don't have it and 
the. 

625
00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:48,480
Reason that we don't have. 
It there's more than one thing, 

626
00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,040
but it's. 
Very much that there is. 

627
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:59,320
A real cost to creating this 
kind of community we have to be.

628
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:02,040
The kind of people who. 
Refuse a low cost exit. 

629
00:39:03,240 --> 00:39:08,320
People who choose to to stay and
repair over leave and replace. 

630
00:39:10,720 --> 00:39:13,080
This kind of community will. 
Cost us our comfort. 

631
00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:16,000
It will cost us our pride. 
It will cost us the illusion 

632
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:19,800
that we can belong without ever 
being inconvenienced, without 

633
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,960
ever having to to submit to 
someone else's preferences. 

634
00:39:23,240 --> 00:39:27,000
It will cost the habit of 
disappearing and withdrawing 

635
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:32,840
when things become tough. 
But I think deep down these 

636
00:39:32,960 --> 00:39:34,720
this. 
Is the kind of community that we

637
00:39:34,720 --> 00:39:37,240
want. 
It's certainly. 

638
00:39:37,240 --> 00:39:40,200
The kind of community that. 
We see Jesus forge in this 

639
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:43,320
relationship with Peter. 
I believe it's. 

640
00:39:43,320 --> 00:39:46,000
The only kind of. 
Community that can really change

641
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:51,280
us at the deepest level a place.
Where we are seen and known. 

642
00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:55,080
Where we don't just learn new 
information about God, but new 

643
00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:58,120
patterns of relating in the way 
of love. 

644
00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:04,640
Friends I want. 
To take a moment. 

645
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:07,080
To just check in. 
With ourselves, with our lives, 

646
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:11,200
with our relationships. 
What does this look like for 

647
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:14,720
you? 
Where? 

648
00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:18,720
Where are your relationships? 
At right now, when you. 

649
00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:24,240
Look around when you survey. 
When you inventory like, have 

650
00:40:24,240 --> 00:40:26,920
you, have you been through 
conflict with the people in your

651
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:31,440
life or have things stayed 
superficial enough that you 

652
00:40:31,760 --> 00:40:35,320
haven't actually ever had to put
those things out in the open? 

653
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:41,000
What's your move? 
When you when you slip out of 

654
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:44,360
your window of tolerance, like 
when you're distressed, when you

655
00:40:44,360 --> 00:40:48,400
are not OK, you blow up. 
And blame it on other. 

656
00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:51,280
People. 
Right. 

657
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:55,360
Do you retreat and? 
Avoid and isolate and step into 

658
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:58,080
a place where you're committed. 
That I just, I have to fix it 

659
00:40:58,080 --> 00:40:59,720
all myself. 
I have to take care of it all 

660
00:40:59,720 --> 00:41:02,040
myself. 
I have to be fit for public 

661
00:41:02,040 --> 00:41:04,200
consumption. 
I can only come back and engage 

662
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:06,880
those relationships when 
everything is sorted out. 

663
00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:13,200
Or have you developed the the? 
Skills, the competencies of 

664
00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:17,840
love, the ability to repair 
ruptures such that you 

665
00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:24,080
understand that like I can 
actually be not OK enter into 

666
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:29,200
community and there find 
connection not. 

667
00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,200
Saying that, you can do. 
That with everyone. 

668
00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:34,640
I'm not saying that everyone is 
safe or you should relate to 

669
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:36,440
everyone in this room in that 
way. 

670
00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:41,880
Injuries are real. 
Wounds are. 

671
00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:46,680
Real we have our our our 
internal working models of how 

672
00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:53,040
we relate to these things for 
good reasons and also if we were

673
00:41:53,040 --> 00:41:54,400
to. 
Become the family of. 

674
00:41:54,560 --> 00:41:59,040
Jesus, a family that, as we 
talked about last week, already 

675
00:41:59,040 --> 00:42:01,360
has a home because of what Jesus
has done. 

676
00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:05,240
We already belong. 
We're already. 

677
00:42:05,240 --> 00:42:06,600
Worthy. 
We're already in. 

678
00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:09,520
And that also. 
Means. 

679
00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:14,600
That we can press into those 
relationships when things aren't

680
00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:15,600
working. 
When we're in distress. 

681
00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:16,760
When? 
There's a problem when there's a

682
00:42:16,760 --> 00:42:20,240
break, when there's a rupture, 
that we can actually talk about 

683
00:42:20,240 --> 00:42:23,760
those things, engage those 
things, develop skills to repair

684
00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:27,880
those things together, friends, 
I believe. 

685
00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:31,400
This is what it will. 
Take to form the kind of thick 

686
00:42:31,400 --> 00:42:36,240
community that transforms. 
Jesus restored Peter. 

687
00:42:36,240 --> 00:42:40,000
Because it's in his nature, 
because it's who he is. 

688
00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:42,840
But I think we all. 
Get this story. 

689
00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:45,800
In Scripture also because Jesus 
wanted to point us to a model, 

690
00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:50,560
you want to show us what this 
looks like to come close with 

691
00:42:50,560 --> 00:42:55,200
tenderness, Friends, do we move 
towards the other end and when 

692
00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:58,440
the other moves towards us, 
sometimes with complaint. 

693
00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:02,480
Sometimes letting us know that 
something that they. 

694
00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:08,040
Did didn't land for us Well are.
We are, we able are. 

695
00:43:08,040 --> 00:43:12,240
We willing instead of getting 
triggered into defensiveness and

696
00:43:12,240 --> 00:43:14,960
criticism and and switch 
tracking and it's your fault and

697
00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:17,520
and just bailing out on 
community. 

698
00:43:18,840 --> 00:43:22,400
Are we willing to be in that to 
hold? 

699
00:43:22,400 --> 00:43:25,000
In that together. 
Long enough for it to form us, 

700
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:29,320
for it to change us, for it to 
rewire the ways in which we show

701
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:32,080
up. 
Friends, we're going. 

702
00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:35,720
To move into a time. 
Of reflection and response and 

703
00:43:35,720 --> 00:43:38,400
this morning I just I want to I 
want to leave you with this 

704
00:43:38,400 --> 00:43:42,520
question I. 
Know we want thick. 

705
00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:46,560
Community, the kind of people in
our lives that aren't just there

706
00:43:46,560 --> 00:43:49,000
that we don't just know that we 
don't just have casual hey, how 

707
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:50,480
are you? 
Good to see you. 

708
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:54,440
How was your week conversations 
with but where we can be seen 

709
00:43:54,440 --> 00:44:00,000
and known at the deepest level. 
Are you allowing yourself to be 

710
00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:02,040
seen? 
In that way, even in your 

711
00:44:02,040 --> 00:44:06,560
dysregulation when things aren't
OK, are you naming? 

712
00:44:06,560 --> 00:44:07,840
The things that aren't. 
Working. 

713
00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:10,800
I'm not trying to. 
Like go out and start. 

714
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:14,840
A bunch of fights, but I kind of
also AM like because it. 

715
00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:17,680
If we need to get. 
Through that in order to get to 

716
00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:22,360
depth, it's worth it rather than
just shallowly, quietly 

717
00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:26,600
retreating from one another. 
Friends, may we be a? 

718
00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:32,560
Community that learns to love in
the way of Jesus because like. 

719
00:44:32,640 --> 00:44:36,840
Jesus. 
We learn how to repair 70 * 7.