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Throughout the season, I've 
repeatedly told you how things 

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still catch me off guard, how I 
can still fall into the old 

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conditioning, but how the speed 
at which I recognise it has 

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increased exponentially. 
And I've done all that 

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intentionally, because all those
episodes were leading to this 

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one. 
This final episode is about how 

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being human is, well, human. 
And you don't have to be perfect

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to be healthy. 
Next season, I'll be answering 

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your questions about any subject
I normally cover. 

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If you'd like to submit your 
question, please use the link 

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that's in the show notes or just
go to the podcast page on my 

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website. 
Because here's the thing I want 

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to leave you with, and it's the 
thing that this whole season has

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been circling. 
You've spent 12 weeks with me, 

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putting apart everything that 
got installed to cope with 

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abusive environments. 
And if you're anything like the 

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brains I work with live with, 
own, there's a part of you that 

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may well have been keeping a 
scorecard, learning about the 

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foreign response and marking 
yourself down every time you 

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apologize for existing. 
Learning what a boundary is, and

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then deciding you had failed the
first time. 

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Saying no made your chest go 
tight. 

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Won't catch that right now, 
before you close the season and 

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file it under things I'm bad at.
I know you've been asking 

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yourself, am I the problem? 
Let's find out with me. 

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Your host, Helen Villas. 
Think back over where we've 

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been, because I'm not going to 
teach you anything new today. 

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I'm just going to hand it all 
back to you in one piece. 

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We started with not knowing what
you feel standing in the ready 

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meals aisle, unable to answer a 
simple question about dinner 

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because nobody ever treated your
inner world as information worth

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keeping. 
Then whether you're 

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overreacting, that horrible loop
where the feeling arrives at 

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full volume and a lifetime of 
being told you're too much makes

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you distrust the reading before 
you've even understood it. 

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We talked about apologizing for 
existing, The sorry that leaves 

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your mouth before you've done 
anything. 

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Because at some point being 
small was the thing that 

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absolutely kept you safe. 
Not knowing your own 

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preferences, because a 
preference is a small act of 

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self assertion and you learned 
early that asserting yourself 

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had a cost. 
Saying no and what it does to 

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your body. 
Trust all or nothing, everyone 

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or no one. 
Because a rule is easier than a 

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risk. 
When the people who were meant 

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to be safe weren't the body 
itself. 

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And how you can be the last to 
know you're hungry or frightened

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or completely done finishing 
things. 

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And the shame your ADHD got 
welded to by someone who used it

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against you. 
Parenting in opposition, 

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Exhausting yourself doing the 
reverse of everything that was 

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done to you and your 
relationships following the same

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pattern. 
The green flags reading is red. 

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The kindness that lands as a 
threat. 

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Now if I laid all of that out 
and asked you to grade yourself,

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I'm pretty sure I know exactly 
what a lot of you would do. 

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And if this doesn't fit, then 
fine. 

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But just make sure you're not 
defending something. 

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You'd look at the list and see 
everything that you still do. 

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You'd noticed you apologized 
twice this morning, and that you

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froze on a note last week. 
And you'd conclude quietly that 

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you've listened to 12 episodes 
and you're still broken. 

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Let me flip it for you. 
Imagine your child came home 

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having learned to swim. 
Not perfectly. 

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They can get across the pool 
now. 

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They still swallow half a bit. 
And their technique is, it's 

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kind to say, a disgrace maybe. 
Would you stand at the edge and 

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tell them, well, you're still 
not Olympic standard really, So 

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what was the point? 
Of course you wouldn't. 

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You'd be delighted because they 
can do a thing this year that 

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they couldn't do last year. 
So why is the standard you'd 

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never dream of applying to the 
child the exact 1 you apply to 

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yourself? 
That's the conditioning, and I 

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want to name it properly. 
Because a challenge without the 

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explanation is just an 
accusation. 

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You weren't born measuring 
yourself against perfect. 

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Somebody taught you that your 
worth was conditional on 

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performance, that good enough 
was a synonym for lazy, that the

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only acceptable state was 
flawless and anything else less 

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was evidence against you. 
That isn't a personality trait 

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you chose, it's a survival 
strategy you developed, you were

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handed, and it worked because in
that house, perfect was safer, 

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at least striving for it. 
It's just that you're not in 

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that house anymore, and the 
strategy is not still running 

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rather long after the danger's 
gone. 

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And perfect never worked anyway,
did it? 

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Here's what healthy actually 
looks like, and it's going to be

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less impressive than you were 
hoping. 

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Healthy is not the absence of an
old pattern. 

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I've had the training, the 
therapy, the degree, the 

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masters, the everything, the 
years of this being my actual 

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job and it still catches me out,
especially when I'm tired or my 

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cognitive load is high or I'm 
feeling vulnerable because 

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things have been going on. 
The difference between me now 

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and me 15 years ago isn't that 
the old wiring is gone, it's the

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speed, it's the new data. 
It used to take me weeks to 

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notice I'd slipped into people 
pleasing then days and now on a 

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good day I catch it mid 
sentence. 

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In fact on a really good day I 
notice it passed through my 

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brain and go again. 
That's the whole game. 

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Not never falling in, but 
getting faster and kinder about 

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climbing out. 
Both of those words matter. 

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Faster and kinder because you 
can absolutely learn to spot the

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pattern quickly and then use the
spotting as a fresh stick to 

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beat yourself with. 
Oh look, doing it again, what is

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wrong with me? 
That's not progress. 

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That's the same conditioning. 
Wearing recovery as a costume. 

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Two things can be true. 
You can hold yourself 

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accountable for a pattern and 
refuse yourself to shame 

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yourself for having it. 
Accountability is. 

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I notice I did that and I'd like
to do it differently. 

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Shame is I did that because I'm 
fundamentally wrong, broken, 

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awful, evil, all the things. 
One helps you change, the other 

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just hurts and maybe even keeps 
you stuck. 

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And it's the thing you were 
taught to do, so it'll always 

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feel like the honest option. 
It isn't. 

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It's just the familiar one. 
Now, I'm going to pull you up on

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one thing before I let you go. 
You believe all of this. 

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You believe people are allowed 
to be works in progress, that 

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healthy doesn't mean perfect, 
that recovery isn't linear. 

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You believe it completely for 
everyone except you. 

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You'll extend it to your friend,
your sister, a stranger who 

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writes to me, and then quietly 
exempt yourself. 

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And you'll call that living high
standards. 

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It isn't high standards. 
It's the old rule still running,

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the one that said everyone else 
gets to be human and your job is

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to be flawless so nobody has a 
reason to leave. 

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And if that's stung, notice the 
sting for a second. 

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Not because you've done 
something wrong, you haven't, of

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course you haven't, But because 
that flinch is the conditioning 

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showing you exactly where it 
still lives. 

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You're allowed to be a work in 
progress, not one day when 

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you've earned it. 
It's now in the mess, mid slip, 

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only halfway across the pool. 
That isn't the consolation price

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for not being fixed. 
That is what being a healthy 

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human being actually is. 
So that is the season. 

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Thank you for spending it with 
me. 

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It's been an absolute privilege 
to have you in the passenger 

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seat while I pull this apart. 
Next season is yours. 

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I will be answering your 
questions, whatever you're stuck

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on, whatever normally comes up 
in here. 

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So send them in using the link 
in the show notes. 

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And let's start season 3 with 
the thing you actually need to 

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know. 
Thank you for listening. 

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And as ever, all that remains to
be said is take care.