1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:04,560 A little while ago I went on a first date and afterwards in the 2 00:00:04,560 --> 00:00:07,920 obligatory first date post mortem, I sent a message to a 3 00:00:07,920 --> 00:00:11,040 friend that said they're lovely but I think they're a bit too 4 00:00:11,040 --> 00:00:13,680 nice for me, and the reply came back. 5 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:18,400 Let me translate that for you. I don't deserve people treating 6 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:23,200 me with kindness. Oh my God, it hit me like a 7 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:25,880 lightning bolt. They were right, of course. 8 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:29,240 They usually are about these things, which is incredibly 9 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:32,880 irritating, although obviously also incredibly helpful. 10 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:37,120 But I sat there looking at that mass message on my phone, and I 11 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:41,000 thought back over all my previous relationships, not just 12 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,040 the romantic ones, the friendships as well. 13 00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:47,120 And I found the same thing glaring at me in all of them. 14 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:51,680 It was so used to being treated badly that kindness felt, well, 15 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:55,280 icky is the only word for it, Uncomfortable. 16 00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,320 Something I wanted to get away from. 17 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:01,400 And when I really bore down into what that icky feeling actually 18 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:05,680 was, it was quite the surprise to discover that what it 19 00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:11,440 actually was, was threat. I was seeing kindness as threat. 20 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:15,160 At first I thought, Oh my God, I really am fucked up. 21 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,040 But really, it makes perfect sense. 22 00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:20,280 Why wouldn't I, after a childhood where every kindness 23 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:24,360 got used as a weapon to silence me, to force me to comply, to be 24 00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:27,400 produced later as evidence that my claims about treatment were 25 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:30,200 invalid? Kindness didn't come free of 26 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:34,360 charge, it came with the highest price possible attached. 27 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:38,720 Because to accept it, I paid with my identity, my boundaries, 28 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:42,520 my freedom. Even so, kindness became a red 29 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,120 flag. And so did help and confidence 30 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:49,440 and boundaries and pretty much every single thing that any self 31 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:54,280 help book would tell you is a green flag because my brain had 32 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:58,760 learned to identify anything I'd been attacked for as a threat in 33 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:04,040 other people and in myself. And then I did what a lot of us 34 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:07,680 do who grew up in that kind of environment, which is that I 35 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,440 swung the pendulum right the other way and looked for what I 36 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:16,360 was used to, which was, in short, emotional abuse, love 37 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:19,240 bombing, bread crumbing, stonewalling, gaslighting, all 38 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,840 the other delightful behaviours that to me were simply what a 39 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:27,480 relationship involved. I believed love to be dramatic, 40 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:31,680 and if it wasn't dramatic, it wasn't just not love, it was 41 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:35,280 disinterest. And to be really honest, it was 42 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,840 boring. So that's what we're talking 43 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,160 about today. Why your relationships keep 44 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,200 following the same pattern, why you're just drawn to what's 45 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,400 familiar is a nearly useless explanation. 46 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:50,920 And what's actually happening in the moment you meet someone kind 47 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:55,000 and feel absolutely nothing, or you have the same reaction I 48 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:59,400 used to and feel threatened. I know you've been asking 49 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:03,680 yourself, am I the problem? Let's find out with me, your 50 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:17,080 host, Helen Villas. So it happens. 51 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:21,880 You meet someone, steady, kind, says what they mean, does the 52 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:25,440 thing they said they'd do, texts back when they say they'll text 53 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:29,800 back. And perhaps you feel flat or a 54 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,640 bit turned off maybe, or maybe more than that. 55 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:35,840 Maybe you're suspicious that there's something false in it, a 56 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:39,480 performance, something you just don't quite trust. 57 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:43,520 Maybe you decide they're a pushover, a bit of a nerd maybe, 58 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:48,080 and they're just too nice. And so, like me, you tell your 59 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:51,320 friend that they're lovely but a bit too beige or a bit too nice, 60 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,200 or a bit boring, and most friends will say, oh, that's 61 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,320 such a shame because most friends will take you at your 62 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,680 word. Mine, of course, didn't. 63 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:03,800 And even though I already knew I had a wound around kindness and 64 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:08,360 that it felt uncomfortable, that laser precision they used showed 65 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:13,000 me exactly how I was stopping me choosing healthy. 66 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:17,800 And then a few weeks later, maybe you meet someone who seems 67 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:22,440 really into you and the texting is constant, feelings growing 68 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:26,280 fast and deep. You feel so connected and they 69 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:30,320 feel the exact same way. And you laugh together about how 70 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:34,680 crazy it is, about how fabulous it is, and about a fortnight. 71 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:38,040 And they're saying all the things you've ever wanted to 72 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,520 hear about yourself, how amazing you are, how they've never felt 73 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:45,840 like this before, that they've never text this much or get this 74 00:04:45,840 --> 00:04:48,640 all in this early. That you're different and you're 75 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:52,080 utterly convinced that this is the one. 76 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:54,760 They make. You feel like the most 77 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,040 interesting person who has ever lived. 78 00:04:57,320 --> 00:05:00,320 Maybe they've even had some trauma that makes you feel 79 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:04,480 protective of them, but also that you can trust them with 80 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:08,120 yours too. Especially when they get angry 81 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:11,920 about how awfully you've been treated and you feel validated, 82 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:16,400 seeing powerful even. And most of all, perhaps amongst 83 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:20,360 all the excitement, weirdly, you feel at peace. 84 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,680 And then suddenly they evaporate, drop off the face of 85 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:28,000 the earth without explanation, and you're confused, bewildered, 86 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:31,240 terrified that something's happened to them and nobody 87 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:34,480 knows to tell you. And you're desperately Googling 88 00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:38,120 their name to find articles of awful accidents, searching 89 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,160 social media for their profile for clues. 90 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:44,280 Until just randomly, they reappear days later, full of 91 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,320 very believable reasons why they haven't been in touch. 92 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:52,280 And any discomfort or anger or confusion is washed away by the 93 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:56,960 wave of relief that they're okay and more importantly, still into 94 00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:59,760 you. And you are hooked. 95 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:04,760 Line, sinker, everything. You cannot stop thinking about 96 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,440 them. You're checking your phone 97 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,400 constantly. You've developed a Pavlovian 98 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,520 response to your message tone, and you're disappointed every 99 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,280 single time. It isn't their name on the 100 00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:17,280 screen. You might even change their tone 101 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:20,080 so it's you know it's them before you even look at the 102 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,040 phone. And when it is them, you're 103 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:25,640 flooded with joy, excitement, nerves. 104 00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:30,920 Your whole body is involved and you call that chemistry. 105 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:34,840 But the thing you're calling chemistry is quite often your 106 00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:37,800 threat system running at full tilt. 107 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,120 And let me be very clear about something. 108 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:44,280 No one actively chooses this. No one wants abusive 109 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:48,360 relationships. Maybe the abusive no one enjoys 110 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,160 this moment of realization. And whilst your brain has 111 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:55,840 learned over years to respond to this pattern with everything 112 00:06:55,840 --> 00:07:00,560 it's got, you are not addicted to the drama or the chaos in the 113 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:05,360 way some people like to suggest. That is utter nonsense and it's 114 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:09,520 cruel and I don't want it anywhere near me or this 115 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,720 episode. Nobody sat you down at 12 and 116 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:15,680 asked whether you'd like to be someone who reads calm as 117 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:19,440 boring. You got taught over years by 118 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:22,920 people whose job it was to teach you the opposite, what love 119 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:26,600 looks like and what it feels like and what it costs. 120 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,720 You're just living the lesson you were taught, no more, no 121 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,800 less. But it was a lesson you never 122 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,200 should have learned. And if any of this doesn't fit 123 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:39,360 you, that's fine. But before you discard it, allow 124 00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:42,840 it to just roll around a bit to be sure you're not defending 125 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,040 something it's very normal to be doing. 126 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:48,520 So then just take what's useful and leave the rest. 127 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:52,280 Because if a piece of it doesn't apply to you, then all we've 128 00:07:52,280 --> 00:07:55,440 done is rule something out. And that's really actually very 129 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:56,880 important and still worth knowing. 130 00:07:57,320 --> 00:08:02,000 So now the pattern also shows up in friendships too. 131 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:04,520 And I really think this bit gets missed because the whole 132 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:08,360 conversation about repeating patterns tend to tends to get 133 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:11,880 filed under dating as though it's just like a romance 134 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,440 problem. It's not. 135 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,640 It isn't. It's a relationship problem, and 136 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:19,120 friendships are relationships. The friend who only ever 137 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:22,280 contacts you when they need something and then vanishes. 138 00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:26,960 The friend whose approval you're still at 43, quietly trying to 139 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,640 earn. The friend who makes little 140 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:32,880 remarks that you laugh at and then think about in the shower 141 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:36,440 three days later and can't explain to anyone else without 142 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:39,080 sounding like you're overreacting, or at least you 143 00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:43,240 think you sound like that. Same pattern, same software 144 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:46,640 running it just doesn't get a Netflix documentary made about 145 00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:48,560 it. And in many ways I think the 146 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:52,000 friendship version is actually the harder one to see because of 147 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:56,080 the gap that exists that makes it a friendship and not a 148 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:59,480 romantic relationship. Think about the friend who runs 149 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,680 hot and cold. Weeks of being absolutely 150 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,160 brilliant. They're texting you and 151 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,520 remembering things, inviting you to things. 152 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:09,040 You feel chosen. Then a fortnight of near silence 153 00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:11,680 for no reason that you can actually identify. 154 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:15,520 You see posts on social media of things that you haven't been 155 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:19,400 included in, and it hurts. But then suddenly they're back 156 00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,480 and it's wonderful again. And you don't ask about the 157 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:26,120 fortnight of silence. And what are you doing in the 158 00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,960 silence? You're going back over the last 159 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,480 conversation, looking for the moment that you got it wrong. 160 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:33,920 You're drafting a message and maybe deleting it. 161 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:37,200 You're checking whether they've posted, because posting means 162 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:40,960 they're fine, which means it's you, because that's what you 163 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,040 make of evidence when you're assuming. 164 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:47,360 And when they come back, you're so relieved that you're actively 165 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,520 lovely to them. Extra lovely. 166 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:52,760 You bring your best material. You're a game, you're funny, 167 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,080 you're useful. You offer to help with the thing 168 00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:59,320 that they mentioned. So what you've then got is a 38 169 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:03,080 year old adult doing a drawing, getting the good School Report, 170 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:06,560 going back with an achievement in your hands, hoping this is 171 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:10,600 the one that keeps them warm. And nobody will ever validate 172 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,960 that as abuse because it's just a friend who's a bit flaky. 173 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,680 But trust me, it's abusive because it's harmful to you. 174 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:19,720 It's silence to you. Silence is you. 175 00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:23,600 And the relationship depends on those two evil little tenets of 176 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:27,840 abuse, silence and compliance at work as well. 177 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:30,360 It happens. The manager whose mood you can 178 00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:33,320 read from the sound of their footsteps in the corridor, and 179 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:36,320 whose approval you'd walk through fire for, and who has 180 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:40,480 never once given you anything that wasn't a scrap. 181 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:43,440 You are not, by the way, unlucky. 182 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:47,160 That's the explanation a lot of people land on because it's the 183 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,560 only one available. If you don't have the language, 184 00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:53,160 the knowledge, so you've concluded that you're cursed, or 185 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,960 that you have appalling judgement, or that there's 186 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,880 something visible on you that only the worst people can see. 187 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,720 There isn't. But something is going on and 188 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,520 it's not luck and it's not a character flaw. 189 00:11:04,840 --> 00:11:08,320 It's actually really quite explicable once you look at what 190 00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:12,320 got installed by those that taught you what to expect from 191 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:18,880 love, care and relationships. So there are three things going 192 00:11:18,880 --> 00:11:21,920 on here at the same time, and the reason you're drawn to 193 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:26,240 what's familiar doesn't help you is it names the outcome and 194 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:28,320 skips every one of those three things. 195 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:32,560 The first one is the template. You did not learn about 196 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:35,560 relationships from a book. You learned about relationships 197 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:39,120 the way you learned about gravity, which is that you lived 198 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:42,560 inside it before you had any language for it, and so it never 199 00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:45,400 presented itself as a claim that you could disagree with. 200 00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:50,640 Nobody ever said to you in this house, love is conditional and 201 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,400 unpredictable and comes with a bill attached. 202 00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,920 If they had said it, you could have argued. 203 00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,400 Instead, it was just, you know, Tuesday. 204 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:03,800 I remember very clearly when I was about 15 driving somewhere 205 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:08,120 and saying very, very confidently, I don't believe in 206 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,920 unconditional love. Everyone loves with conditions. 207 00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:14,360 And I gave an example of the of one of the conditions my mother 208 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:18,160 put on loving me. An example I was utterly 209 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:21,440 convinced at the time was fair and justified. 210 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:23,960 And I'm not going to give the example because it's actually 211 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:25,640 irrelevant. It's not the point. 212 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:30,320 The point is that I believed it completely and I'd have argued 213 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:36,400 the absolute case for it. And now I find it on fathomable 214 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:40,040 as a parent and my heart breaks for the 15 year old me who 215 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,480 believed it. But of course I believed it. 216 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:45,400 That's what I've been taught and it was what I was being shown 217 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,960 every day from birth. Not to mention, of course, that 218 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:52,200 my mother was right about absolutely everything and if she 219 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:55,840 was wrong, she was still right. This would be a great place to 220 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,000 recite the narcissist prayer. But we actually had a magnet on 221 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,000 the fridge that said rules of the house 1. 222 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:05,680 Mother is right 2. If mother is wrong, refer to 223 00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:10,240 rule one that she had put there completely unironically and it 224 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:13,600 was referred to constantly as a joke. 225 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,880 And for those who are not watching on YouTube, inverted 226 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,120 commas. That is. 227 00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:23,560 As is so often observed, there is always truth said in jest and 228 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:27,520 we all knew full well it was deadly serious. 229 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:29,800 Looking back at it, it's utterly messed up. 230 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:32,440 But teenage me rolled my eyes and laughed along, not 231 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:36,480 questioning it at all because it was all normal and it just never 232 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:39,520 crossed my mind to. The point is, the way you're 233 00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:43,000 shown love in a toxic home is what you take as normal right up 234 00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:46,960 until the point that you work out that it may well have been 235 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:50,000 your normal, but it definitely wasn't healthy. 236 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:53,480 So when I say to you that a partner going silent for three 237 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,920 days after an argument is a form of punishment, some of you will 238 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:01,640 fill your whole system rejected and you'll think that's a bit 239 00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,480 dramatic. Helen, everybody needs space 240 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:06,080 sometimes. And you're right, everybody does 241 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:09,440 need space. The base is saying I'm too angry 242 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,920 to do this well right now, give me until tomorrow. 243 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:16,160 That's a person managing themselves and being kind in 244 00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:21,800 their anger and caring about their impact. 3 days of silence 245 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,920 with no explanation is a person managing you. 246 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:29,760 What that behavior communicates, whatever they intend by it is I 247 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:33,640 can remove myself and you cannot reach me and you will be very, 248 00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,680 very good in an attempt to get me back. 249 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:39,480 I obviously can't tell you what's in anyone's head. 250 00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:43,520 I don't know if it's it's conscious, but where there's a 251 00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:46,160 passion of it, that's what it looks like to me. 252 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,200 And I'd say the same thing if a friend told me about it in the 253 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,880 pub. And what I can also tell you is 254 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:55,440 that if you've explained it hurts you and they continue to 255 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:59,640 do it, then there is a best awareness that it hurts you and 256 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:04,720 a lack of care, and at worst an intent to hurt you to make you 257 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,960 comply. And this is the bit that makes 258 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,600 the pattern so hard to see from the inside. 259 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:14,240 It isn't that you see the red flag and override it, it's that 260 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:17,560 it isn't flagged at all. Your detection system was 261 00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:21,240 calibrated by people whose behavior got easier the less you 262 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,360 noticed. And it's a good system. 263 00:15:23,360 --> 00:15:26,760 It works exactly as designed. It's just that the design brief 264 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:30,520 was someone else's. Now here's where mine went. 265 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,480 Further than that, and I suspect it may well be true for a lot of 266 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,800 you. It wasn't only the bad stuff 267 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,720 that didn't register as bad, it was the good stuff that 268 00:15:39,720 --> 00:15:43,600 registered as dangerous, too. Because think about what 269 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:47,320 kindness meant in that house. Kindness arrived and it was 270 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,080 lovely. And then it was on the bill. 271 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:53,240 It got brought up the next argument, it got produced as 272 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,080 evidence. Look at what I did for you. 273 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,200 How can you say I treated you badly? 274 00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:02,120 I do everything for you. Or it arrived immediately after 275 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:05,360 something horrible as the thing that was supposed to close the 276 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,680 file. And if you didn't accept it, if 277 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,480 you were still upset, then you were the difficult 1. 278 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,000 You were the one who couldn't let go of anything. 279 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:18,720 So kindness stop being kindness. Kindness became the front end of 280 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,920 something that hurt, or the back end that brought your collusion 281 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:27,160 into ignoring the hurtful thing. And that is straightforward 282 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:28,920 conditioning. It's not mysterious. 283 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,840 It's not a defect in you. Para neutral thing reliably 284 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,760 enough with a bad thing. And the neutral thing starts 285 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:37,200 producing the response. The bad thing reproduced. 286 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:40,760 Which means that when a decent human being is being warmed to 287 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:44,560 you now and you feel that pull to get away, that flinch, that 288 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,000 icky feeling, your system is doing its job. 289 00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:50,920 It's identifying a warning sign. It's just working from a 290 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,840 corrupted list. And I just, I want to slow down 291 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,960 this bit because I think it's actually probably one of the 292 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,680 most useful bits in this episode. 293 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:02,120 And it goes past very fast when you say it just as a principle. 294 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,560 So here's what it actually looks like. 295 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,119 Somebody at work, for example, notices that you're drowning in 296 00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:11,000 it and they say, look, give me that presentation, I'll do the 297 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,680 slides. You just do the numbers. 298 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:17,119 And even though you feel guilty for rejecting them, it would 299 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:21,440 feel worse to accept them. So you say, no, honestly, it's 300 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,480 fine, I've got it. And you say that whilst you are 301 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:28,240 visibly not fine, whilst you are going to be up until 1/2, 3:00 302 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:30,480 in the morning. And you say it fast because 303 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,760 before you've even really thought and there is maybe a 304 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,840 flicker or something in your chest as you say it, that you 305 00:17:36,840 --> 00:17:41,240 don't examine at all because you're too busy declining. 306 00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:46,200 But what was that flicker? Probably, maybe the arithmetic 307 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:49,400 30. Whatever years of learning that 308 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:53,640 help arrives with a receipt, that if they do the slides then 309 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:57,120 you will owe them and that at some point, future point in 310 00:17:57,120 --> 00:18:00,400 front of other people at the worst possible moment they will 311 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,120 remind you that they did the slides. 312 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:07,920 You didn't decide any of that. It happened in about 4/10 of a 313 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:11,480 second and all that reached you was the flicker and the word no. 314 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:15,200 And afterwards, if you noticed anything at all, you noticed 315 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,200 that they were a bit off with you for the rest of the day. 316 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:21,000 And you concluded that they were probably annoyed because you 317 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,400 rejected them or didn't allow yourself to be manipulated by 318 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,240 them. And you filed that as further 319 00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:29,440 evidence that people are difficult and you were right to 320 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:33,720 be suspicious of their kindness. That's the corrupted list 321 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:37,200 running live and the thing that got flagged as a threat was a 322 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,680 colleague being kind to you on a Wednesday. 323 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,400 So have a look at what else is on your list. 324 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,600 Confidence. Maybe if you were punished for 325 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,960 having any, or the person that was abusive was really 326 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,400 confident, actually arrogant. It's different. 327 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:54,880 Help if help came with strings. Directness if the direct people 328 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:58,120 in your house were terrifying or you were taught that you had to 329 00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:02,000 communicate through passive aggressive or emotional 330 00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:05,520 management of the other person. Boundaries if the only person 331 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:09,440 allowed to have one was them, or that you were told crossing 332 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:13,000 boundaries was evidence of love and care, or having boundaries 333 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:17,520 was cold and rude and secretive and deceitful, your list of red 334 00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:21,440 flags might be almost entirely made of green ones. 335 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,200 And the things that actually should be flagged, the 336 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:26,920 disappearing, the little digs, the rewriting of what happened 337 00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:29,880 last week, Those went through unlabeled. 338 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:33,400 And maybe actually both are red flags because you're on the 339 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,560 healing journey. But if they went through 340 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:39,440 unlabeled because those were normal, they were just Tuesday 341 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,440 and your list will be yours, though I'm guessing at yours 342 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:45,320 based on what I see over and over again in my work. 343 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,720 And I could easily be wrong about any specific item on it. 344 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:52,360 So it's really important that you look at your own rather than 345 00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:56,800 relying exclusively on mine. And here's where the public 346 00:19:56,800 --> 00:20:00,720 pendulum comes in, because this is the bit that makes it so much 347 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:03,400 worse. Once your list is inverted, you 348 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:07,120 don't just fail to spot the bad ones, you actively swing away 349 00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,600 from the good ones. And you keep swinging because 350 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,960 the safest place your system knows is the one furthest from 351 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,520 what it has flagged as dangerous. 352 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:18,800 And what it has flagged as dangerous is, amongst others, 353 00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,880 kindness. So the pendulum swings you clear 354 00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:25,600 of the calm, the steady, the reliable, the ones who say what 355 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,400 they mean. And where does it land you? 356 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:32,000 Right back in what you recognize, love, bombing, bread 357 00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,200 crumbing, stonewalling, gaslighting, the whole 358 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,320 delightful catalog. And it feels like you're 359 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,920 choosing it. It genuinely does. 360 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:41,040 It feels like preference, like taste, like the mysterious 361 00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,200 business of who you fancy and who you don't. 362 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:45,600 And you'll maybe even defend it as such. 363 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:49,000 And other people will tell you that you have a type, and you 364 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,560 may well agree, but you don't. You don't have a type. 365 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:56,200 You have a pendulum, and it swings the same way every single 366 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,320 time. And the person standing where it 367 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:01,000 lands, well, that's not a coincidence. 368 00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:03,680 You weren't looking for pain, by the way. 369 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,920 You were looking for love and you had been taught a version of 370 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:10,360 love that had the pain in it as standard. 371 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,200 And when ADHD or autism are in the mix, the risk of being 372 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:17,240 abused goes up. And to be very clear, not 373 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:19,800 because there is anything wrong with the people who have them, 374 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:24,400 but because they come with treats and trauma that an abuser 375 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,440 can exploit. In one study by Gibson 376 00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:32,480 colleagues from 2021, almost 60% of autistic adults reported 377 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:36,480 experience sexual violence, and in that same study measured the 378 00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:40,600 same way, it was around 28% of the non autistic people. 379 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,760 So roughly double, same questions, same research, double 380 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,040 the harm and a separate systematic review. 381 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:52,960 Trundle and colleagues, 2023, putting together 34 studies, 382 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:57,200 found that around 84% of autistic people who had been 383 00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:01,360 victimized had been victimized in more than one category. 384 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:05,040 Not one bad experience, but several across a lifetime, 385 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:10,280 across different types for ADHD. There's a large meta analysis 386 00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:14,080 showing a higher risk of involvement in intimate partner 387 00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:17,480 violence for people with ADHD than for people without it. 388 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:22,400 And here's the uncomfortable bit that shows up on both sides of 389 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:25,680 the Ledger as victims and as perpetrators. 390 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:30,200 And the thing I really want you to take from those two sets of 391 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,760 numbers is this. The wiring is adding something 392 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:38,000 on top of the conditioning. It isn't the same risk wearing 2 393 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,840 hats. It's two separate things 394 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,920 stacking. Which is exactly why 395 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:45,320 understanding both matters. And the mechanisms are really 396 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,040 quite plain when you say them out loud. 397 00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:50,840 If your impulse control is poor and absolutely no judgement 398 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:54,680 because same girl, then you commit fast. 399 00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:57,240 You're 3 weeks in and telling them your deepest darkest 400 00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:01,920 secrets with abandoned because you feel so safe, and perhaps 401 00:23:02,200 --> 00:23:05,680 because in your mind it keeps driving the connection. 402 00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:08,880 The relationship reaches a depth in a fortnight that would 403 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:12,360 ordinarily take six months, and depth feels like safety. 404 00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:16,600 And so you're in it before any evidence has had time to arrive. 405 00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,480 And if you're autistic and you're operating a maybe a rule 406 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:23,440 based model of people, which is a completely reasonable thing to 407 00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,640 do by the way, given that the alternative is guessing. 408 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:28,600 And you can never seem to or never did seem to get it right 409 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,400 and got punished probably loads for it. 410 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:34,160 They said they loved me, therefore they loved me. 411 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,840 They apologized, therefore it's resolved, right? 412 00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:41,000 You're taking language at face value, which by the way is 413 00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:44,080 again, not a deficit. It's a functional assumption 414 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:48,840 that most decent people meet. Just leaves you with no defense 415 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:52,360 against someone who has worked out that those words are free. 416 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:57,600 And on top of all that, most of you had your read on reality 417 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:02,080 dismantled in childhood anyway. You'd say that hurt and be told 418 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:05,440 you're too sensitive. You'd say this thing happened 419 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:07,760 and be told it didn't. You're imagining it. 420 00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:11,680 You've been trained not to believe yourself and to ignore 421 00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:15,480 your feelings. So you do because it was safest. 422 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:18,320 So by the time you meet someone in adulthood who does something 423 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:21,960 you don't like and when you complain they tell you you're 424 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,680 overreacting and over sensitive or seeing things that aren't 425 00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:28,840 there or creating drama or flat out that it never happened and 426 00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:33,680 you do what you did as a child, default to their version and 427 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:37,440 dismiss yourself again. You don't even consider trusting 428 00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:41,160 yourself because you have decades of evidence that your 429 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:44,040 perception can't be trusted. They told you so. 430 00:24:44,120 --> 00:24:47,320 What I also know is that if we sat together and I asked you 431 00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:50,200 what did you ignore at the beginning, you might initially 432 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:51,800 say nothing. Most people do actually. 433 00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:55,920 But if I kept pulling at the thread, you might say, well, 434 00:24:56,400 --> 00:25:00,200 there was this thing, and you do it questioningly because you 435 00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:02,160 wouldn't be sure that it was a thing. 436 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:06,920 But I know there was something. I know you noticed, and I also 437 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:10,840 know you ignored it because of all that conditioning to do so. 438 00:25:11,040 --> 00:25:13,600 But I'll tell you a secret. That's the bit. 439 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:17,760 It's that bit that you need to get really familiar with because 440 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:21,040 that's the bit that can protect you in the future. 441 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,960 But I'll explain that more a little bit in a minute. 442 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:28,320 The last of the three is intermittent reinforcement, and 443 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:30,600 you'll have heard me talk about bread crumbing, which is the 444 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:34,360 behaviour and trauma bonding, which is what it produces, the 445 00:25:34,360 --> 00:25:37,080 bond itself. Intermittent reinforcement is 446 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:39,920 the clinical description of what's driving both, and it 447 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:43,760 works through conditioning, which I know feels like all of 448 00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:46,720 it does at this point. And that's because, well, it 449 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,040 does. If you reward a behaviour every 450 00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:52,560 single time, it becomes stable, and it's also fairly easy to 451 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:56,000 extinguish, because as soon as the reward stops, the behaviour 452 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:59,880 drops off reasonably quickly. But if you reward it 453 00:25:59,880 --> 00:26:03,760 unpredictably, sometimes yes, sometimes nothing, no 454 00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:07,600 discernible pattern at all, that behaviour becomes 455 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:12,440 extraordinarily persistent. It is the single most resistant 456 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,400 pattern of responding we know how to produce. 457 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,840 And this isn't controversial. This is decades of behavioral 458 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:20,760 science. It's why fruit machines make 459 00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:22,680 money and vending machines don't. 460 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,960 Nobody stands in front of a vending machine feeding it coins 461 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:29,480 for four hours. The vending machine always gives 462 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:33,720 you the Twix, so the moment it doesn't, you kick it once and 463 00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:35,600 walk off or make a phone call and complete. 464 00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:39,840 The fruit machine, however, gives you nothing, nothing, 465 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:41,800 nothing. And then occasionally, 466 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:46,280 unpredictably, the whole thing lights up and you will sit there 467 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:50,000 all night playing it. I used to work in pubs and I 468 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:55,440 would see people there for hours and hours and just obsessed. 469 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:59,440 It's the same thing. So apply that to a person, a 470 00:26:59,440 --> 00:27:02,880 partner, who was warm on Monday, on Tuesday, cruel on Wednesday, 471 00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:06,040 and then on Thursday, suddenly the warm person again, the 472 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:09,840 person you met, the attentive and funny and completely present 473 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:13,360 interested in you, has just run a variable reinforcement 474 00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:15,760 schedule on you. And your commitment to that 475 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,440 relationship will be more intense, more persistent, and 476 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:22,320 much harder to break than your commitment to somebody who is 477 00:27:22,320 --> 00:27:24,400 simply, reliably kind to you a week. 478 00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,880 That is not a flaw in you. It's an entirely predictable 479 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:30,000 output of the system you're running. 480 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,400 And it would happen to almost anyone. 481 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,960 And it happens to pigeons, Skinner. 482 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:39,240 It's very interesting. But here's what makes it so much 483 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:42,160 worse for us. That thing, that unpredictable, 484 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,520 high stakes, occasionally transcendent thing, is the exact 485 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,760 shape of what you already learned at home. 486 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:51,160 You were already trained on a variable schedule. 487 00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:55,840 Your parent was warm sometimes. If they'd been cruel constantly, 488 00:27:56,240 --> 00:27:59,760 you'd have detached and got out a lot sooner, and a lot of you 489 00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:01,680 would have been spared years of it. 490 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,960 In fact, it's something I hear regularly from my audience and 491 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,560 my clients. The confusion of the contrast 492 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:11,520 between the warm and the cold, how hard it is to reconcile the 493 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:14,640 good times with the bad, and how hard it is to view the parent as 494 00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:17,080 abusive because it wasn't all bad. 495 00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:19,200 And maybe they they were trying their best. 496 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:24,560 The dreadful thing, the cruelest thing perhaps, is that warmth 497 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,760 was the most controlling thing of all. 498 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:30,240 It kept you in it kept you trying. 499 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:34,040 It kept you believing that your behavior was what could make the 500 00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:37,320 difference. And sometimes it worked, though. 501 00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:41,040 You would keep trying just to try and get the clouds to break 502 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:44,800 so you could feel the sun on your face, even just for the 503 00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:47,600 briefest moment. And then you get into adulthood 504 00:28:47,880 --> 00:28:50,800 and the pattern is set, familiar, possibly even 505 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:54,720 comfortable. And it enrages me for you that 506 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:56,720 that was done to you, and indeed me. 507 00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:02,200 It's it's disgusting repugnant that the people who set the bar 508 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:06,760 for what to expect from love didn't just set it low, they 509 00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:10,800 bent it into a sheep that you could be beaten with until 510 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:15,440 someone like me comes along and tells you it's not right and 511 00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:18,720 it's not your fault. And what you're calling 512 00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:24,920 chemistry, that pull that can't stop thinking about them, that's 513 00:29:25,080 --> 00:29:28,800 this is the anticipation of an unpredictable reward. 514 00:29:29,160 --> 00:29:32,840 And it's very hard to tell apart from being in love. 515 00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:36,160 And nobody has ever taught you the difference. 516 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:38,280 In fact they did the exact opposite. 517 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:42,480 The calm you feel with the Kind 1 isn't the absence of 518 00:29:42,480 --> 00:29:45,320 chemistry, it's the absence of threat. 519 00:29:45,320 --> 00:29:50,920 And in a horrible ironic twist, it can be the most uncomfortable 520 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:55,960 feeling of all. So what do you actually do about 521 00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,200 it all? I want to be honest before we 522 00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:00,720 start this bit. This is one of the slower ones. 523 00:30:00,720 --> 00:30:03,720 Nothing here works in a week, and if I told you otherwise, I'd 524 00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:06,280 be lying to you for the sake of a nicer ending. 525 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:10,520 So start with that, order the list and do it in writing, 526 00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:13,400 because doing it in your head is where this kind of dies. 527 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:17,080 You forget, take your last three or four relationships and 528 00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:19,560 include the friendships. And I'd actually include a 529 00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:21,440 difficult work one as well if you've got one. 530 00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:25,480 And rather than writing what they did, which is where most 531 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:27,720 people, everybody pretty much starts. 532 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:30,520 And it actually isn't the useful bit, right? 533 00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:34,800 What you did start with this. At what point did you know 534 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:37,440 something was off? Not when did you admit it, not 535 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:39,800 when did you leave? When did you know? 536 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:42,360 When did you first have a little niggle? 537 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:44,480 When? As I said earlier, for most of 538 00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:47,320 you it will be starting Ling Li earlier. 539 00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:50,600 I can't say the word startlingly, but it will be very 540 00:30:50,600 --> 00:30:53,520 early. Week 2, maybe maybe even week 1, 541 00:30:53,760 --> 00:30:56,880 maybe day one. There'll be a specific moment of 542 00:30:56,880 --> 00:31:00,160 remark, a look, a thing they said about their ex, a way they 543 00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:03,880 spoke to a waiter, a way they dismissed you, something. 544 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:08,120 And you'll be able to find it if you're honest, because you've 545 00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:11,720 never actually forgotten it. And then the important bit. 546 00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,480 What did you do with that information? 547 00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,240 I'd bet. And by all means, of course, 548 00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:20,480 tell me if I'm wrong here, that you explained it. 549 00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,240 You found a reason that had a hard week. 550 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:25,880 They were tired. They didn't mean it like that. 551 00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:27,840 That's just their sense of humor. 552 00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:31,000 You were probably being oversensitive because you know 553 00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:35,360 you can be, and you did that because explaining people's 554 00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:38,800 behaviour is what kept you safe in that house. 555 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,480 Working out why they were like that was the only way to predict 556 00:31:42,480 --> 00:31:45,120 what was coming next. And it was a genuinely good 557 00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:48,840 strategy and it worked. It's just that the strategy has 558 00:31:48,840 --> 00:31:51,640 outlived the situation it was built for, and now it's doing 559 00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:55,280 precisely the opposite job, which is keeping you in things. 560 00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:58,360 So that's the move. That's the one that repeats. 561 00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:01,840 That's your leverage point. Because you can't control who 562 00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:04,720 you're attracted to and you can't stop your body doing what 563 00:32:04,720 --> 00:32:07,400 it does when someone unpredictable walks into the 564 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:11,480 room. But you can absolutely learn to 565 00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:15,120 catch yourself building the defense case, that specific 566 00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:17,560 mental activity. The sentence that starts with to 567 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:22,240 be fair to them is worth more to you than any red flag list on 568 00:32:22,240 --> 00:32:24,040 the Internet. The flags themselves are 569 00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:26,920 personal and contested, and everyone's different. 570 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:31,600 The explaining is a universal, and it's yours, and you can 571 00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:34,520 catch it. And when you do the audit, do it 572 00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:37,640 for all of them at once, side by side, on the same page. 573 00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:41,800 Because one relationship is a story and four relationships is 574 00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:45,120 data on its own. Each one had reasons laid out 575 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:47,920 next to each other. You will see the same week too, 576 00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:50,760 The same explanation, the same fortnight of silence you didn't 577 00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:53,560 ask about. And there is no version of that 578 00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:55,440 which is bad luck. Four times. 579 00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:01,240 If any of that felt like being seen, come and find us in the 580 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:02,560 Hub. It's my membership and it's 581 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:06,120 where the work happens rather than just the recognition. 582 00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:09,440 There are courses, there are live calls with me and there's a 583 00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:12,920 community of people who all have the same thing installed and are 584 00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:15,120 all at various stages of pulling it apart. 585 00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:17,840 Which means you can say the thing that you can't say to 586 00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:21,240 friends who had normal parents and everybody in the room 587 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:25,320 already knows the shorthand. The other thing you get is there 588 00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:28,920 is this a thing which is included from Foundation into 589 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:30,560 upwards. So this week's On Building 590 00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:32,760 Identity is in there with everything else. 591 00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:36,880 It's liberation. academy.co.uk/the Hyphen help. 592 00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:39,160 Come and have a look. No pressure. 593 00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:41,640 If you're not in a place to do this right now, that's 594 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:44,200 completely fine. It'll still be there when you 595 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:45,560 are. Hope that helps. 596 00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:46,520 Take care. Bye. 597 00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:54,800 Now the hard about part, you have to be prepared to sit 598 00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:57,600 through the flatness with the kind ones, and I mean sit 599 00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:00,480 through it because you will not think you're way past a 600 00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:03,440 conditioned response. You have to run the experiment. 601 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:07,320 If kindness has been paired with harm for 30 years, then the 602 00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:12,320 only, and the rest I might add, then the only thing that changes 603 00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:16,520 changes It is repeated exposure to kindness that doesn't end in 604 00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:19,000 harm. It's slow and it's genuinely 605 00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:22,480 unpleasant because you have to tolerate feeling nothing or 606 00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:25,960 feeling faintly repelled for long enough for your system to 607 00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:29,320 start collecting new evidence. Give it 6 states rather than 608 00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:31,159 two. That's an arbitrary number. 609 00:34:31,159 --> 00:34:34,400 Invent your own, but have one because I'll just see how I 610 00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:37,040 feel. Hands the decision straight back 611 00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:39,800 to the very own system that keeps, you know, getting it 612 00:34:39,800 --> 00:34:41,800 wrong. And when the flatness arrives 613 00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:45,239 and it will notice it as data rather than as a verdict. 614 00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:48,400 It isn't a message about them, it's a message about your 615 00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:51,719 calibration. That said, and this matters, 616 00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:55,360 this is not an instruction to override yourself indefinitely. 617 00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:57,000 Some people are genuinely wrong for you. 618 00:34:57,240 --> 00:35:00,120 You're allowed to leave without producing a spreadsheet. 619 00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:03,920 What I'm asking for is a hearing before the verdict, not a life 620 00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:07,160 sentence of dating people you don't like just out of principle 621 00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:09,000 and trying to recondition yourself. 622 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:11,840 And the next one is small and it's the one people actually 623 00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:15,400 typically manage, which is the only reason I actually really 624 00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:17,520 bother with it. Introduce a delay. 625 00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:21,680 Whatever your natural pace is. ADHDS, are you listening? 626 00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:25,200 And again, no judgement because same. 627 00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:27,240 But this does really work for people like us. 628 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:30,080 Whatever your natural pace is, double it. 629 00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:34,640 Not because rushing is a moral failing, but because evidence 630 00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:37,920 takes time to arrive, and the only way to see who somebody is 631 00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:42,320 under pressure, or just who they are really, is to still be there 632 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:45,960 when the pressure turns up, or allowing time for things to 633 00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:50,480 reveal themselves. Nobody's mask fails in week 3. 634 00:35:50,720 --> 00:35:54,120 Masks fail in month 5. Longer even. 635 00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:57,480 And if that means you spend full months in something that feels 636 00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:02,080 agonizingly slow whilst every part of you is screaming to 637 00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:06,360 declare undying love and moving together, then goods that 638 00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:09,720 discomfort is what it feels like when nobody is jerking you 639 00:36:09,720 --> 00:36:13,520 around and you've just simply never been in that position 640 00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:15,640 before. So of course it feels wrong and 641 00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:18,480 gross and weird and uncomfortable and restrictive. 642 00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:23,400 But now you also need something from outside your own head 643 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:27,640 because as we have established, the instrument you were given is 644 00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:29,760 unreliable. And you know it is. 645 00:36:30,080 --> 00:36:33,440 And that is the whole problem. So borrow somebody else's. 646 00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:37,200 One person has to be somebody whose judgement you really 647 00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:38,920 trust. You actually wait, somebody who 648 00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:42,960 is honest, somebody who won't just agree with you, you know, 649 00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:47,720 and you describe the behavior to them without any of the context 650 00:36:47,720 --> 00:36:50,200 or the explanation that you'd normally supply to make it make 651 00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:50,800 sense. It's not. 652 00:36:51,240 --> 00:36:53,840 He went quiet for four days, but he's been really under a lot of 653 00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:56,760 pressure at work. And it's Dad's I'll just, he 654 00:36:56,760 --> 00:36:59,680 went quiet for four days. What do they do? 655 00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:02,200 How do they react? What's their face doing? 656 00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:05,800 Now, some of you are going to be sitting there thinking, but I 657 00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:07,840 did leave, I got out, I did all of that. 658 00:37:08,080 --> 00:37:12,280 And then I went and picked the same person again in a different 659 00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:15,200 jumper. And I know because that's the 660 00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:19,640 bit nobody warns you about. Leaving is not the same thing as 661 00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:23,480 recalibrating. Leaving removes the person, it 662 00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:27,560 changes the environment. It does nothing so whatsoever to 663 00:37:27,560 --> 00:37:31,040 the detection system, and the detection system is what 664 00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:32,640 selected them in the first place. 665 00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:35,560 Your system doesn't update because you worked out, walked 666 00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:37,600 out. Rather, it updates on evidence 667 00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:40,080 repeatedly over time. Which means that if you leave 668 00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:43,200 and then go straight back out into the world with the same 669 00:37:43,200 --> 00:37:46,200 inverted list, the list will just do exactly what the list 670 00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:48,080 does. And the other thing is that you 671 00:37:48,080 --> 00:37:52,080 can swing the pendulum again to choose the complete opposite of 672 00:37:52,080 --> 00:37:55,720 who you dated before and still end up with the same pattern 673 00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:58,920 because it might look different but refuse to. 674 00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:03,680 Refusing to argue can be just as controlling as screaming at you 675 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:07,080 for leaving a knife on the side. We just don't necessarily 676 00:38:07,080 --> 00:38:13,160 realize it until it's too late. And just to be very clear, that 677 00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:17,120 is not failure, that is an UN rewired system doing its job. 678 00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:20,400 To change it. You need three things to 679 00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:24,000 understand that it's never been about trusting other people and 680 00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:26,000 always been about trusting yourself. 681 00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:30,160 That to trust yourself you need to build knowledge of yourself. 682 00:38:30,360 --> 00:38:34,000 Concrete absolute knowledge or identity in other words. 683 00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:37,560 And finally, you need to get used to the idea of rejection 684 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:40,360 being a good thing, which actually kind of happens 685 00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:42,240 naturally when you build identity. 686 00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:45,760 So for me, at the root of everything when it comes to 687 00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:50,680 healing and protection, the very best protection against abusive 688 00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:54,080 relationships is a very robust identity. 689 00:38:54,240 --> 00:38:55,480 And that doesn't happen overnight. 690 00:38:55,720 --> 00:38:59,280 And it's why I stayed single for such a long time because I 691 00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:02,480 wasn't sure I could. I wasn't sure I could trust 692 00:39:02,480 --> 00:39:05,600 myself. But when I started dating again 693 00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:09,480 last year and I proved to myself I could trust myself to remove 694 00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:12,840 myself from things that were hurting me as well as giving me 695 00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:16,800 all the gooey exciting feelings. And that I wouldn't just kick 696 00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:21,120 grief and the pain of the ending further down the road to avoid 697 00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:23,360 the pain now. And that I could do it 698 00:39:23,360 --> 00:39:26,600 regardless of how I might hurt the other person as a result. 699 00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:29,480 And of course it would never be my intention to hurt anyone. 700 00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:32,160 But self protection does that sometimes. 701 00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,720 But that isn't mine, or even yours. 702 00:39:35,040 --> 00:39:37,640 Do you manage? And when you start doing all 703 00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:41,640 that, you start being able to accept kindness and care and 704 00:39:41,640 --> 00:39:45,240 healthy boundaries and paste getting to know someone, you 705 00:39:45,240 --> 00:39:48,200 don't feel the urgency to push the relationship forward to a 706 00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:51,360 place you're not scared you'll be rejected and more anymore. 707 00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:55,320 Because that's a lot of reason why we do it quite often. 708 00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:59,240 And then you can stand centred and grounded and know that if 709 00:39:59,240 --> 00:40:02,800 something doesn't work out, if someone rejects us, it's not a 710 00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:06,640 measure of our worth, our value. All confirmation of all those 711 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:10,680 things they told us we were to force us in submission into 712 00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:13,680 submission for fear that we actually were. 713 00:40:14,720 --> 00:40:18,880 There's one final, very quick note that's very important. 714 00:40:19,480 --> 00:40:23,680 At some point, understanding this becomes the thing you do 715 00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:27,000 instead of leaving. Understanding was the thing you 716 00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:28,760 did to make sense of their behaviour. 717 00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:32,440 As we've said, to reconcile it, to force yourself to tolerate 718 00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:34,640 it. Understanding doesn't absolve 719 00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:37,360 you from acting. You do not need to understand a 720 00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:39,680 behaviour to know whether you need to tolerate it. 721 00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:42,760 You do not need to have a good enough reason to leave a 722 00:40:42,760 --> 00:40:45,840 relationship. You do not need anyone else to 723 00:40:45,840 --> 00:40:49,760 agree that you should leave to give you permission to leave. 724 00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:52,200 The good does not pay for the bad. 725 00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:54,120 The warmth doesn't cancel the cold. 726 00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:57,720 It is part of the control, and you don't have to dismiss your 727 00:40:57,720 --> 00:41:02,280 hurt because they're trying or doing their best or have their 728 00:41:02,280 --> 00:41:05,320 own trauma. You are not a waiting room or 729 00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:09,480 their therapist or unkind or empathetic if you leave. 730 00:41:09,680 --> 00:41:14,040 It is enough that it hurts you, and it is more than enough that 731 00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:17,760 you are being eroded while you wait for promises of better 732 00:41:17,760 --> 00:41:21,200 behaviour to materialize. In Is This a thing? 733 00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:24,160 This week we're looking at building identity, what it looks 734 00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:27,560 like to have one, not have one, well, to practically start doing 735 00:41:27,560 --> 00:41:29,320 it. I'll be running a five day 736 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:31,800 identity building challenge on the Hub soon too, by the way. 737 00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:34,440 Just it'll be included in membership of core and coaching 738 00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:38,280 class members, or you will be able to buy access individually 739 00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:42,400 if you'd prefer to too. Because I really believe it 740 00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:45,800 really is the root cure, I suppose, for one of a better 741 00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:51,200 word for healing and protection. And I can't ever emphasize that 742 00:41:51,240 --> 00:41:53,080 enough. Next week we're going to be 743 00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:56,680 talking about conflict and what healthy conflict even looks like 744 00:41:56,880 --> 00:42:01,480 when one of you or both of you is ADHD or autistic and carrying 745 00:42:01,480 --> 00:42:03,840 a family history of emotional abuse trauma. 746 00:42:04,240 --> 00:42:07,600 So if you would like to share, I'd love to know. 747 00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:10,880 What does your body do in the 1st 10 seconds of a 748 00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:12,360 disagreement? Not what you say. 749 00:42:12,680 --> 00:42:15,640 What happens before you say anything? 750 00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:18,680 And I'll tell you mine. My head feels like it's 751 00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:24,440 detaching, glitching from my body sometimes, so I'd love to 752 00:42:24,440 --> 00:42:26,880 know what yours is. Come and tell me on all the 753 00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:29,560 usual places. Thank you as ever for listening. 754 00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:33,440 And as ever, all that remains to be said is take care.