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In my kitchen next to the 
pictures I've been meaning to 

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hang up for well, well over a 
year possibly. 

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00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:11,280
Well no, absolutely longer. 
There's an innocuous looking bag

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00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:14,960
stuffed with a cross stitch. 
I was so excited to start. 

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00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:19,640
Had these massively grand plans 
of making into a cushion, but a 

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00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:22,560
few sections in I got 
interrupted and I put it down 

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00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,680
and for the next few weeks it 
kind of got shovelled up and 

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00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:30,080
down the kitchen table until it 
found its way into the bag and 

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00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:34,000
stayed there. 
Not forgotten, but not returned 

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00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,960
to you either. 
Now before I was diagnosed with 

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ADHD, that bag and every 
unfinished project or long 

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00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:46,040
forgotten hobby crammed into a 
corner or cupboard leered at me 

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with judgement and contempt. 
Because here was the evidence of

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00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,640
all the things I had heard 
growing up. 

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00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:56,920
Lazy, wasteful, uncommitted, 
chaotic, unable to finish 

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00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:01,080
anything or the one that always 
stuck a salt covered knife in an

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00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:05,319
already infected wound. 
Half a job Helen, if you're a 

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00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:09,480
DHDI would bet pretty good money
that you've got a bag just like 

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mine. 
Maybe even not a cross stitch, 

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00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:14,440
but something stuffed in a 
corner, giving you the same 

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00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:16,640
judge mental looks every time 
you pass it. 

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00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:20,560
But you don't put it away, or 
give it away or even throw it 

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00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,600
away. 
Even though every time you 

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00:01:22,600 --> 00:01:26,400
glance at it, you look away 
quickly because it reminds you 

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00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,840
of all the things they said. 
All the times you didn't measure

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00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,160
up. 
All the times you were told off 

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00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,880
for not being who they said you 
should be. 

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00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:38,840
As though you could rewire your 
own brain to perform like 

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00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,880
theirs. 
And even though every time you 

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00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:44,600
see it, those labels that told 
you just how lacking you are 

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scream at you, you don't move it
because maybe, just maybe, you 

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00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:53,160
will finish it this time and 
prove the wrong. 

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00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:58,120
And do you know what's funny? 
Well, funny in the this is 

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bloody tragic, should never have
happened, and isn't amusing in 

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00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:06,680
any way way at all way. 
Pretty much everything you 

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00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:09,560
believe about how your brain 
works and whether it's good or 

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00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:13,360
bad or needs improving or hiding
was taught to you. 

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00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:17,960
You are measuring yourself with 
a stick someone else created 

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00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,040
from a stick someone created for
them. 

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00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:24,440
But it's like that famous, 
famous quote about judging a 

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00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:28,360
fish by how he climbs a tree 
just doesn't measure anything. 

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00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:32,640
But you believed it did, and now
fish are climbing trees, falling

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00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:34,680
out of them and blaming 
themselves for it. 

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00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,480
Not to mention desperate for a 
breath of fresh water. 

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00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:42,440
Because here's the other thing. 
We usually grow up in 

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00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:46,960
environments that default to 
kids being normal, for want of a

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00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:50,320
very much better word. 
And because the ADHD doesn't 

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00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:55,240
perform the expected way, we get
shamed for it over and over and 

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00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:58,240
over again. 
So things that are perfectly 

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00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:02,840
normal parts of ADHD wiring get 
wedded to that shame and we 

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00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:06,360
become our own bully. 
Couple that with a toxic home 

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00:03:06,360 --> 00:03:10,800
environment and it's shame on 
shame on a brain that was just 

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00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:15,720
living the way it was built to. 
But remember what I always say 

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00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,520
about shame? 
It doesn't belong to you. 

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00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,640
It was installed by other 
people. 

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00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:27,680
So let's spend this episode 
giving that ADHD shame back. 

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00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,160
I know you've been asking 
yourself, am I the problem? 

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00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:35,400
Let's find out with me, your 
host Helen Villas. 

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00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,080
It doesn't take a rocket 
scientist to know it's 

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00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:52,000
impossible to measure your ADHD 
brain with a non ADHD stick. 

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00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:54,360
But no one ever gave you the 
right stick. 

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00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:58,120
So you think there's something 
fundamentally flawed about you, 

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00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:02,280
which has been confirmed over 
and over again by people also 

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00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:06,440
using the non ADHD stick. 
But this is the thing about the 

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00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:10,760
ADHD brain, it lives in short 
bursts of interests. 

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00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,720
So you got shamed for not 
sticking to a new interest. 

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00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,720
But this is the thing about the 
ADHD brain. 

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00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:21,040
It lives in short bursts of 
interest. 

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00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:24,360
I often refer to this part of my
ADHD as the magpie. 

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00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:27,800
A shiny new thing comes along 
and it's mesmerizing, 

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00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:31,680
hypnotizing even. 
Everything else just falls away 

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00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:35,680
and all you can see is this 
beautiful thing and you focus on

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00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:38,720
it, Heart. 
It feels like the answer to 

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00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:42,680
everything, that you'll never 
need anything else ever again. 

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00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,920
This is the one, the thing 
you've been searching for. 

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00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:50,280
Finally, you spend hours and 
hours on it, learning, 

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00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,280
perfecting, making serious 
progress. 

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00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:56,960
Until the doorbell rings or you 
have to leave it for an hour a 

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00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,560
day, a week and it loses its 
Sheen. 

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00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:03,040
You try and go back to it, 
wanting the world to fill away 

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00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:07,160
the same way when you're focused
on it like it used to, but it 

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00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:10,280
doesn't quite do it. 
You still notice sounds, 

83
00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,360
thoughts intrude where they 
wouldn't have before and you've 

84
00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:17,960
just kind of lost it And instead
of being able to go, Oh well 

85
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:21,560
that was nice while it lasted, 
that mean little voice starts 

86
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:25,200
telling you you're lazy, flaky, 
can't commit to anything, won't 

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00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:29,760
get anywhere, and if you spent 
money on the thing, how wasteful

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00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:31,560
and selfish you are for doing 
so. 

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00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:35,640
The thing that once bought you 
relief, relaxation, engagement, 

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00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:39,160
and joy now brings the total 
opposite and you can't bear to 

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00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,760
look at it. 
And if you grew up in a toxic 

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00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:45,000
home where every failure is 
filed for evidence of your 

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00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:49,320
worthlessness when needed, the 
magpie is feathering their nest 

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00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:53,280
instead of yours, where they 
could have said, well it's not a

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00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:55,520
big deal, that's just how your 
brain works. 

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00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:59,480
You got typical, I knew you 
wouldn't finish it, you never 

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00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,400
do, or something similar. 
Maybe they didn't even say 

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00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,960
anything. 
Maybe it was all communicated 

99
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:09,960
through a look, a gesture, a 
question, like aren't you using 

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00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,080
this anymore? 
Loaded with judgement and 

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00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:15,160
contempt. 
Either way, you knew. 

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00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:19,120
You knew you had failed again 
and you were useless as a 

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00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:23,600
result, at least in their eyes. 
What this all adds up to is 

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something the ADHD brain really 
already finds difficult. 

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00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:31,680
Restarting something. 
Russell Barclay's research shows

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00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,400
that this is a normal ADHD 
thing. 

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00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:38,040
It's not laziness or weakness or
all of the other horrible things

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you tell yourself about it. 
It's how your brain is wired 

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when it comes to executive 
function. 

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But because not finishing or 
sticking with something 

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constantly triggers shame, your 
brain sees that as a threat. 

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00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:54,640
So to protect you from that 
shame, it triggers anxiety about

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even starting something, which 
adds another bloody layer of 

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00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,920
shame. 
But here's the thing. 

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00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:05,240
You not starting something isn't
laziness or thoughtlessness or 

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00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:09,160
carelessness or any other of the
nest monsters that eat away at 

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you. 
It's a reaction to a perceived 

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threat conditioned by people who
were meant to support and help 

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00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:20,560
you, but who instead weaponized 
your difference to support and 

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00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:23,760
protect themselves. 
And there's another trauma 

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overlap here. 
Because whether you experience 

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this particular flavour or 
variety of ADHD treat, if you 

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00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,120
grew up in a home where the 
price of love was perfection, 

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00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:37,200
not being perfect is also 
evidence you're not lovable. 

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00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:40,760
So you develop what I would have
in the past referred to as 

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00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:44,440
neurotic perfectionism. 
Though the better evidence term 

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00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:48,400
for what is actually happening 
is self handicapping. 

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That's what this week's Is This 
a Thing is all about. 

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00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:58,000
This episode is about unpicking 
what's ADHD and what's shame, 

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00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:01,200
which sounds simple enough until
you're in it and they feel 

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completely indistinguishable. 
If you want an amazing 

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00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,880
supportive community that can 
help you, do it, because they 

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00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:12,840
also have been riding that shame
train and just get it, you don't

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need to explain. 
Join us all in the hub links in 

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00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,520
the show notes or just go to 
liberationacademy.co.uk and 

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00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:22,360
click Hub. 
Hope to see you there. 

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Take care. 
Bye Self handicapping where 

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you're so anxious about the 
outcome that you delay starting 

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something so when it's not 
perfect you can blame the delay 

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00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:40,200
rather than your own human 
fallibility or your skills that 

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need developing. 
Before I go on, I'm going to go 

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on a little side quest. 
In pure ADHD fashion. 

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00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:49,960
The bit about perfection in 
toxic homes always has me 

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00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,280
reaching for my soapbox because 
of the, well, I have no other 

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00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:55,160
word for it actually other than 
fuckery. 

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00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,680
You do exactly as demanded, 
deliver perfection and the goal 

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00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:01,440
posts move. 
So whatever you do, you never 

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00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,480
actually quite meet it, so you 
never learn what perfection even

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00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,480
is. 
So how will you ever know when 

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00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:11,800
you finally got there? 
And once again, you're using 

151
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,800
someone else's measuring stick 
to know you've met a standard 

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00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,920
that's determined by their own 
subjectivity. 

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00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:22,880
Perfection and flawed can live 
alongside each other, perfectly 

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00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:25,720
comfortable. 
Sometimes when things go wrong, 

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00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:27,800
they enhance it rather than 
destroy it. 

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00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:31,800
Like kitsugi, that gorgeous 
thing where broken China is 

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00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:36,120
reconstructed using gold glue, 
often making it much more 

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00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,680
beautiful than it was 
originally. 

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00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:42,240
Perfection is something we can 
determine mostly for ourselves, 

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00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:46,320
but using a measuring stick that
was used to shame and control 

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00:09:46,320 --> 00:09:49,040
you? 
Definitely not the way to do it.

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00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:54,320
So all this is to say that when 
it comes to starting, staying 

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with and finishing something, 
we've got to untangle 2 things. 

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The ADHD and the shame. 
Because the shame has been 

165
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:06,800
working very hard to convince 
you that the way your brain 

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00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:11,560
works is a character flaw, not 
just ADHD being ADHD. 

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00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:15,880
And when you hand the shame back
and work with the ADHD instead 

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00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:19,840
of against it, you can exploit 
the strengths and support the 

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00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:23,400
weaknesses. 
And when you do that, life gets 

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00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:27,320
a lot easier. 
Harness instead of hatred. 

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00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:31,160
That is the key for making ADHD 
work for you. 

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00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:35,520
And just to be clear, we are not
drifting into the toxic 

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00:10:35,520 --> 00:10:38,120
positivity of ADHD is a 
superpower. 

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00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,920
It isn't. 
And that's a whole other soapbox

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00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,240
scenario. 
But let's stay with this for a 

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00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,560
moment. 
It's a lot easier to work with 

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00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:50,960
it rather than against it. 
So how do you do that? 

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00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:53,840
Well, the first thing is to know
who's speaking. 

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00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:59,040
Which voice is shame and which 
is ADHD, because often they're 

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00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,520
so enmeshed we can't really tell
the difference. 

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00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:05,160
The voice that tells you you're 
rubbish and useless and 

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00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,880
shouldn't even bother trying? 
That's shame. 

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00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:12,080
It might be your voice, it might
sound like you, but it's more 

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00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:15,720
likely someone else dressed as 
your voice, or it might even be 

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00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:20,160
little you trying to stop you 
doing the thing that got them in

186
00:11:20,160 --> 00:11:22,560
trouble. 
Usually people try to ignore 

187
00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:26,680
that voice, but in my experience
it's a lot more useful to get to

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00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:31,800
know it because I imagine if you
were to ask that voice what it 

189
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:36,360
was actually feeling, the answer
would likely be scared. 

190
00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:40,480
So instead of ignoring you could
reassure it. 

191
00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:44,080
You could say you don't need to 
protect me from this. 

192
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:46,240
I'm and I don't know I can 
protect us. 

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00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:50,000
We're allowed to not do it the 
way they wanted us to and find a

194
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,440
way to do it that suits us. 
If anyone is mean about that, 

195
00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:58,240
that's about them, not us. 
The main thing to know is that 

196
00:11:58,240 --> 00:12:01,960
thoughts aren't facts and you 
don't have to believe everything

197
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:06,080
you think. 
Novelty is much more important 

198
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:10,160
to an ADHD brain than general 
advice about productivity ever 

199
00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:14,520
seems to acknowledge. 
We need interest to engage the 

200
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:17,200
same way that poor fish needs 
water to breathe. 

201
00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:21,280
Non ADHD brains just don't 
function the same way. 

202
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:25,680
So picking something back up and
restarting isn't about a lack of

203
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,280
willpower, it's about a lack of 
interest. 

204
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:32,040
We have to get the magpie to 
think it's found a shiny new 

205
00:12:32,040 --> 00:12:36,560
thing that's actually the old 
thing that's been, I don't know,

206
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,600
bedazzled? 
Polished. 

207
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:42,360
Maybe change something in the 
environment, a different 

208
00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:47,160
location, making a game of it. 
I love the list by numbers 

209
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:48,960
thing. 
And throwing a dice to see what 

210
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:52,240
I have to do next. 
Or maybe put a timer on and say 

211
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:54,560
I only have to do this for three
minutes. 

212
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:59,240
If I want to carry on I can, but
3 minutes is all I have to do. 

213
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:03,240
All these things introduce you 
the one thing you just need to 

214
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:06,600
restart. 
Novelty body doubling is also a 

215
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,400
really great way of motivating 
yourself. 

216
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,760
We still don't actually know 
quite why it works, but while 

217
00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:15,200
the research catches up with the
anecdotal evidence, it's worth 

218
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,760
trying to see if it does 
actually work for you. 

219
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:21,400
There's a space in the hub 
actually for newer different 

220
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:25,880
people to find someone to body 
double with and it's amazing. 

221
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:29,680
So you could go there and check 
that out if you are looking for 

222
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:31,200
a space or people to do that 
with. 

223
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:35,840
The main thing is that some 
things will and some won't, and 

224
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,840
it's not a failure if they don't
work. 

225
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,080
It's data to learn from and move
on. 

226
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:45,480
Harness not hatred and when you 
stop something try and frame it 

227
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,920
as a pause and maybe write a 
note. 

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I paused at this point where I 
was about to start writing about

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XYZ. 
Be really specific because 

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future you hasn't suddenly 
cleared all the working memory 

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challenges so needs currently to
remind them where they're 

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starting from. 
It's a lot easier to start when 

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you know where the line you're 
starting from is. 

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And we can't forget our old 
friend and inverted commas. 

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Perfectionism. 
Even though you know logically 

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you don't need it to protect you
anymore, that's not enough for a

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brain condition to believe that 
anything less than undefined 

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perfection is less than 
worthless. 

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So we moved the goal from 
perfect to started, or this 

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section or 10 minutes. 
We build data to show the brain 

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that the world doesn't implode 
and we still have value, even if

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we're not the perfect that was 
demanded of us as a child. 

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It's a horrible irony that in 
order to change conditioning, we

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have to be the thing 
conditioning warned us was 

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dangerous. 
When we avoid fear, we reinforce

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it's right to be there. 
When we face it and survive, we 

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move the conditioning to what's 
called extinction, although it's

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a bit of a misnomer. 
It never goes fully, but it 

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eventually gets so overwritten 
that when it does show up, we 

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can use it as a signal that 
something in our environment is 

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unsafe, or we're overwhelmed or 
tired. 

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It takes time and energy and 
proactive thinking, but if you 

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stick with it, it has a much 
higher chance of working than 

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most other behavior modification
methods. 

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Go on. 
That was easy for me to say, and

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certainly better than the shame 
train you're being forced to 

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ride every time you're faced 
with a new task. 

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And you'll know it has when the 
bag in the corner is just a bag.

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And your thought is, oh, I 
wonder how much I have left to 

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do with that cross stitch rather
than cower under its judge 

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mental glare. 
OK, is the bit the annoying bit.

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Everything we've talked about 
today is true. 

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The conditioning is real. 
The way it got loaded onto you 

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is real, and none of it is your 
fault 100%. 

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And the voice is probably still 
there saying exactly what it was

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saying before you press play. 
Because understanding and 

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conditioning are very different 
things. 

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And this is the annoying part. 
The understanding is instant, 

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the reconditioning takes time 
and repetition, and doing the 

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thing you've been conditioned to
avoid over and over until your 

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brain gets the message that the 
disaster it was promised doesn't

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arrive. 
Nobody can do that for you. 

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The shame was loaded onto you by
someone else in a home you 

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didn't choose, with a brain you 
didn't design. 

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Unloading it is yours. 
I know that's not fair. 

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It's spectacularly not fair, but
the shame train doesn't just 

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stop running because you've 
worked out why you're on it and 

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you're the only one with the 
ticket to get off with help from

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people like me. 
Maybe the measuring stick 

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someone handed you as a child is
still the one you're using, 

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putting it down as an act of 
will, not just understanding. 

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And it's the one thing in this 
whole mess that is actually 

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yours to do. 
Before I go something for next 

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week. 
We're talking about parenting, 

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and specifically what happens 
when your only model for how to 

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be a parent is everything you 
swore you'd never do, which as a

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strategy, turns out to be 
considerably more exhausting and

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perhaps a bit more dangerous 
than it sounds. 

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If you're a parent and 
comfortable sharing, I'd love to

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know what's the thing that you 
catch yourself doing or about to

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do that you recognize from your 
own childhood? 

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Find me on Instagram, TikTok or 
leave something in the comments 

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00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,200
on the podcast. 
Or just send me an e-mail 

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enquiries@liberationacademy.co.uk.
Thank you so much for listening 

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and as ever, all that remains to
be said is take care. 

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Bye.