1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,520 Coming up in this week's episode, children do not need 2 00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:06,520 you never to get it wrong. They need to see what it looks 3 00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:10,720 like when someone who loves them takes accountability and them 4 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:14,680 behaves differently. Welcome to the Liberation Effect 5 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:22,840 with me, your host, Alan Villas. Hello, and welcome to The 6 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:25,080 Liberation Effect. Today I want to talk about 7 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:29,080 parenting after trauma, specifically about the traps we 8 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:32,920 fall into when we're desperately trying to be nothing like the 9 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,640 people who hurt us. It's a subject that comes up 10 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:39,640 frequently on most socials, guests on the podcast, and of 11 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:42,760 course on the Hub, my recovery membership platforms. 12 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:47,480 So I'm going to answer the most kind of common questions here. 13 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:51,440 Those traps are things like rescuing our children from every 14 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:55,080 uncomfortable emotion, projecting our own childhood 15 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:59,200 pain onto them, giving them everything we needed instead of 16 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:02,880 what they actually need, being terrified of becoming our 17 00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:07,880 abusive or toxic parent. And then, of course, what to do 18 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:11,720 when our child is angry with us or pushes us away. 19 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:16,440 Because if we're parenting after trauma, there is one hard truth 20 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,640 that we really need to start with. 21 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:22,960 Our children are not here to heal our wounds. 22 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,680 They are not a second chance at our childhood. 23 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:30,600 We are the adults now, which means, of course, the work is 24 00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,600 ours. In this episode, I'm going to 25 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,960 take you through three big questions. 26 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:38,800 Why is parenting after trauma so hard, even when we're trying our 27 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:42,360 absolute best? How do I know I'm not becoming 28 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:48,200 my abusive or toxic parent? And how do I stay the reliable 29 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:52,240 adult when my child is angry, upset, or rejecting me? 30 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:56,800 Let's start with the first. So why is parenting after trauma 31 00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,000 so hard? I have a question here that 32 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,840 maybe narrows that down a little bit. 33 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:05,960 Why do I panic when my child has big feelings? 34 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:09,840 In inverted commas For those not watching on YouTube, if you grew 35 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:13,120 up in a home where your feelings were punished, mocked or 36 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:18,320 ignored, your nervous system learnt a very very clear and and 37 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:22,520 important lesson. Big feelings are dangerous. 38 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:26,200 They are threatening, they get you in trouble, they get you 39 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:31,080 humiliated, exiled, excluded, ignored and invalidated. 40 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:35,560 So now when your child tries, rages, sulks, or melts down or 41 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:39,000 does anything, in fact, that you would have got in trouble for, 42 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,120 or any of those other experiences I've described, it 43 00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:45,480 does not just register as my child is in distress. 44 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,960 Your body often responds as if you're back in your own 45 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:50,720 childhood. You're triggered. 46 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,200 Suddenly. You may feel A rush of panic, 47 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:56,840 shame, anger, or even rage, not because your child is doing 48 00:02:56,840 --> 00:03:00,280 anything wrong, but because your body remembers what used to 49 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:05,000 happen when emotions appeared. There are two very common 50 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:08,080 responses to that. You shut them down because you 51 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:12,360 feel overwhelmed, whether through ignoring or anger, or 52 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:16,720 you rescue them from the feeling immediately because you cannot 53 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:21,880 tolerate their distress. Neither of those responses makes 54 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:24,440 you a monster. Be very, very clear about it. 55 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:28,160 It makes you someone whose nervous system is traumatized 56 00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:31,600 and trying to keep you safe. But it does mean you'll need to 57 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:35,560 do things more deliberately, not just instinctively. 58 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,200 So how do you know if you're experiencing this? 59 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:43,160 Think back to a time your child was distressed. 60 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,280 How old did you feel in the face of their emotions? 61 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:51,160 If the answer is young, maybe under 1015 or 20, then it's 62 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:54,320 likely that you're triggered by their emotions because as I 63 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,160 said, it's something you would have been punished for in one 64 00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:00,360 way or another. The key thing to remember is 65 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,440 when your child is distressed and you feel that familiar 66 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:07,200 internal alarm. The first job is not to fix the 67 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:10,600 child. The first job is to steady 68 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,880 yourself. That might look like, I don't 69 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:18,240 know, noticing to yourself. My heart is racing, my jaw is 70 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:19,640 tight. I feel young. 71 00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:22,880 I feel like I'm in trouble or in danger. 72 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:27,960 Taking a breath and planting your feet really firmly on the 73 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:32,200 ground, literally reminding yourself, this is my child. 74 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:35,000 I'm not back there. I am the adult now. 75 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,800 Using a simple phrase in your head. 76 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:41,680 Big feelings are allowed. We can survive this. 77 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:45,080 You'll not do this perfectly and you're not supposed to. 78 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:50,480 The goal is not to be perfectly calm or a perfectly trauma free 79 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:55,360 robot who you know actually, who wants a robot parent? 80 00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:59,160 That would be awful. But the goal is actually to 81 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:02,560 interrupt the old pattern enough that your child gets a different 82 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,280 experience to the one that you had. 83 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:07,920 The very difficult truth about this is that when you shut down 84 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:11,480 the feelings, you're communicating the same message 85 00:05:11,680 --> 00:05:14,600 you had. The pendulum may have swung the 86 00:05:14,600 --> 00:05:17,880 other way, but it provides the same outcome. 87 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:22,680 The message that feelings are not OK and bad feelings are 88 00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:26,320 rejected, That results in a child being unable to connect 89 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:30,040 with, acknowledge and process difficult feelings, which of 90 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:33,840 course won't be good for them both short and long term. 91 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:39,520 And I might add, or anybody else for that matter, it might help 92 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:42,960 to have this saying kind of somewhere, you know, big 93 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,520 feelings are allowed, we can survive this. 94 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:48,520 It might help to have that somewhere you can clearly see it 95 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:53,000 on in those moments on your wall maybe or your phone lock screen 96 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,200 and so on. I also really recommend 97 00:05:56,520 --> 00:06:00,880 practicing this to kind of embed the rewiring in the actual 98 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:03,640 moment when you're faced with those moments with these 99 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:07,240 emotions, it can be really difficult not to act from the 100 00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:09,840 triggered space. You need to find the kind of 101 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:14,640 pause between event and action to make conscious decisions in 102 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,320 your responses. Your amygdala fires to tell you 103 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,760 danger, danger, threat, threat. Respond from here. 104 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:24,960 And you need to give it the time to get to your prefrontal cortex 105 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:29,560 where your logic can take over and make conscious decisions. 106 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:34,400 So by thinking back to a time where your child was distressed 107 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:38,240 and noticing what your physical responses were and then your 108 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:42,960 reaction, you can kind of identify the cues physically 109 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:46,440 that show that you're triggered and therefore interrupt the 110 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:50,880 pattern. Question 2 Around this subject. 111 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:55,560 Am I rescuing them from feelings or supporting them with them? 112 00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:00,040 Many traumatised parents confuse support with rescue. 113 00:07:00,480 --> 00:07:04,800 Support says I know this feels awful, I'm here, I believe you 114 00:07:04,800 --> 00:07:08,320 can survive your feelings and I will stay with you while you do. 115 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,480 Rescue however, says make it stop now. 116 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:14,840 I cannot cope with your distress so I will do anything to make 117 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:17,400 these feelings disappear immediately. 118 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:22,200 Support is about helping the child through the distress. 119 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:25,720 The rescue is largely about the parents discomfort and 120 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,840 disempowers the child from knowing they can survive 121 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:33,160 difficult things. Examples of rescue might be 122 00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:36,720 things like immediately giving them a treat whenever they're 123 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,760 sad so they never sit with that sadness. 124 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,120 You know, maybe it would be cancelling every boundary. 125 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,960 You know, you'd immediately say, oh, it's fine, we can go and do 126 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,360 the thing just because they're crying or they're upset or 127 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,680 they're disappointed. And maybe it's even rushing in 128 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:56,720 with solutions without allowing them to feel upset, frustrated 129 00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:00,320 or disappointed first. Actually rushing in with 130 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:04,240 solutions before they've even had an opportunity to think of 131 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:08,320 those solutions themselves, asking them what would you like 132 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,520 to do about it rather than telling them what to do about 133 00:08:11,520 --> 00:08:14,160 it. Kind of over explaining and over 134 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:17,360 apologizing might be another sign in order to calm them down 135 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:22,240 because their anger, their anger makes you feel like a bad parent 136 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:25,080 again. We just want to make it really 137 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:29,440 clear, if you see yourself in this, it's not a reason to drown 138 00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:32,760 in shame. This is information rescue tells 139 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,679 you that your nervous system has not yet learnt that feelings can 140 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:40,960 be survived. You did not know what you do not 141 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,640 know, right? And now you know it and now you 142 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:47,280 can practice it. Do not judge previous you with 143 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,760 current use knowledge. It is not fair on either of you. 144 00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:56,080 A healthier approach might look like I can see you feel really 145 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,920 disappointed that we're not going to the park. 146 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,960 It's OK to be angry about that and we're still not going. 147 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,200 It might be. I know it's hard. 148 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,760 When your friend says they do not want to play, it really 149 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:10,240 hurts. Do you want to hug or some 150 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,520 space? It makes sense that you're 151 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:17,680 upset. In doing these responses, giving 152 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:21,560 these responses, you're allowing the feeling without abandoning 153 00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:25,160 the boundary. That's the bit that many of us 154 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:28,120 never had. Our parents either removed the 155 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:32,120 boundary altogether and made their lives easier, or kept the 156 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:36,280 boundary but removed the connection, or potentially went 157 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:40,840 into victim mode asking you to rescue them, or punished you for 158 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,360 having a reaction to the situation in the 1st place. 159 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:49,320 Ultimately what we're trying to do is centre the child and give 160 00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:54,480 them safety in their feelings. We're telling them it's OK to 161 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:58,360 have these feelings, you will be OK, and letting them go through 162 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:02,880 them to find their own path, but also know that they have support 163 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:07,080 and do not need to do it alone. There is of course nuance in 164 00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:10,160 this too. It's very important that you 165 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,640 help your child regulate the emotion too. 166 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,720 Children are a lot more emotionally intelligent than we 167 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:19,360 often give them credit for. You know, if they see that their 168 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:23,640 emotions might provoke a certain response, they learn to use it 169 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,280 potentially for their game. And this is not the same as 170 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,560 being manipulative. It's influence, it's safety, 171 00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:34,600 it's agency in the small amount of agency that children have. 172 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:39,720 So it might be that if crying or having a tantrum resulted in you 173 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:43,480 giving in, it will potentially take some repetition. 174 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,560 I'm sorry, I'm talking about in the past with you giving in. 175 00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,880 But it might be that because that pattern has been 176 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:54,360 established, it may take a bit of repetition in holding the 177 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,160 boundary before they accept it no longer works. 178 00:10:57,160 --> 00:11:01,040 So staying really firm in that boundary, regardless of how much 179 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,680 the behaviour escalates, is vital. 180 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:08,720 And and another really important point, there may be a point 181 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,560 where comfort is no longer appropriate. 182 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:15,680 And I know, I know, I can hear everyone going and this will 183 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:19,880 feel very, very difficult if you were abandoned in your in your 184 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,320 emotions lot. But it's not the same thing. 185 00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:26,200 To validate, offer comfort and hold the boundary is important. 186 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:31,600 But when the behaviour escalates or continues for so long that 187 00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:35,960 it's beyond what is maybe appropriate or actually 188 00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:39,480 authentic and genuine, There is a point at which saying 189 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:43,400 something like, I understand you're upset, but this, this is 190 00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:45,000 not an appropriate way to behave. 191 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,440 If you need something to help you feel better, tell me and we 192 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:52,120 can work on it together. And when it comes to physical or 193 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:56,240 verbal attacks from a child, that is a non starter. 194 00:11:57,280 --> 00:12:00,480 Telling the child that they can be upset without those attacks 195 00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,520 is important. Disengaging once that has been 196 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:06,520 said is key not to rewarding unacceptable behaviour. 197 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:12,440 Reward, when I talk about reward is not a positive thing that 198 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,960 they get out of it. Any kind of interaction at this 199 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:19,120 point would be reward. Any kind of validation would be 200 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:23,920 reward. It is not that it's reward in 201 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:27,840 the form of a suite or a boundary drop or a or praise or 202 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:30,960 a cuddle or whatever it might be and the kind of idea of pleasant 203 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:34,800 things. It's reward as in the behaviour 204 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:39,600 gets a reaction of some description that that shows them 205 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:43,480 they have power and influence over the situation. 206 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:49,040 So going back to this, validation doesn't also mean 207 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,000 tolerance. You make it really clear that if 208 00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:56,920 it continues you will leave the room, and if it does, you leave, 209 00:12:57,040 --> 00:13:00,680 you follow through. And one further caveat for all 210 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:04,320 my fellow parents of autism particularly, but any kind of 211 00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:08,560 neuron divergent, if those are involved, you may well be 212 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:11,000 dealing with a meltdown rather than a tantrum. 213 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:15,600 And there is a big difference. In fact, I get quite frustrated 214 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:19,120 when people refer to tantrums as meltdowns. 215 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:23,520 And the reason is this, that meltdowns will continue whether 216 00:13:23,520 --> 00:13:26,760 someone is observing or not. The child will take themselves 217 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,280 off to their room and the behaviour continues. 218 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:33,040 The meltdown continues. Also that meltdowns can be 219 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:37,040 internal as well as external. Shutdown can be a meltdown. 220 00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:40,800 So meltdowns continue whether someone is observing or not. 221 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:47,040 And however tantrums dissipate. Even learning how to regulate 222 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,280 meltdowns though is important for a child to do. 223 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,280 Using things like grounding techniques or distractions can 224 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:57,440 help break a meltdown cycle. Because I don't know about you, 225 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:03,400 but if you have noticed that sometimes the child or autistic 226 00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:07,400 person might get stuck in a kind of loop where they almost can't 227 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:13,080 break out of it themselves. It's really difficult in those 228 00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,880 moments to know what to do as the parent. 229 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,320 And the greatest thing the person I have found in terms of 230 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:22,720 that is to do something ludicrous, to do a silly dance 231 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,920 or make a silly face or noise or whatever, or what was that 232 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:30,400 noise. And it just stops the brain in 233 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:34,480 the pattern of meltdown, thinking and reaction and 234 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,040 behaviour. So the other side, again of 235 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,840 course, is that sometimes a meltdown is very important for 236 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:41,480 the autistic person to be allowed. 237 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:45,800 But putting firm boundaries and ground rules around them when 238 00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:50,880 the child is regulated, of course is key to managing them 239 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,840 safely. In our house, the rule is you 240 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:57,640 cannot hurt yourself or anyone else and anything you break 241 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,960 won't be fixed. It works really, really well for 242 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,400 us. And of course you find your own 243 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:06,840 and you know, with those boundaries and rules in place, 244 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,360 it's led to meltdowns being manageable. 245 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:13,120 And as they've got older, self managed to. 246 00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:18,200 The children all know both know rather when they are starting to 247 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,480 feel like they might need a meltdown or be on the edge of 248 00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:26,160 one, what to do about it. And that might be that they take 249 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:29,160 themselves off to a quiet space. Or it might be that they allow 250 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:32,920 the meltdown for themselves. And that is OK. 251 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:37,080 Big feelings are OK. We will survive them. 252 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:42,520 OK, so your job isn't to stop your child feeling the way they 253 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:45,280 do or to make them stop by giving in. 254 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:49,280 Your job is to hold connection and boundary at the same time 255 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:52,680 and that is what safety feels like. 256 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:55,560 One very final note on this subject. 257 00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:59,080 Often we can try and stop the behaviour because we're 258 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:02,520 embarrassed about what other people might think or say. 259 00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:07,720 Especially if you've had a toxic parent in your life who has been 260 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,560 critical of your child's meltdowns or tantrums or 261 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:13,520 behaviour. They are learning to be human, 262 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:17,920 they are learning how to exist and they are learning to 263 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:23,360 regulate big feelings. So if you are worried about what 264 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,160 people might think or say, sod them. 265 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:29,760 If anyone is judging you for supporting your child through 266 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,760 difficult feelings and experiences while still holding 267 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:37,200 a boundary, that is about them, not you. 268 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:41,280 If they're a stranger, ask yourself why you care. 269 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:46,640 And if there's someone you know, ask yourself why is someone in 270 00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:50,200 my life being judge mental rather than supportive? 271 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:54,040 Do they deserve to be there? Perhaps not. 272 00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:58,680 So the third question under this umbrella is, am I giving them 273 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:03,680 what I needed or what they need? Another trap after trauma is 274 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:06,920 what I call reparative overcompensation. 275 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,200 It's a bit of a mouthful, really, but you know exactly 276 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:12,079 what hurt you, so you become determined that your child will 277 00:17:12,079 --> 00:17:17,079 never experience anything even that even vaguely resembles it. 278 00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:20,720 If you grew up with financial scarcity, for example, you may 279 00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:24,160 overbuy, give extra presents when maybe they're not needed. 280 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,480 If you grew up emotionally neglected, you may over talk, 281 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:32,200 over explain, over share, or potentially over intrude. 282 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:36,440 If you grew up with harsh discipline, you may avoid any 283 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,480 discipline at all. The intention is good. 284 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:42,720 You're trying to repair what was done to you by doing the 285 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,960 opposite for your child. In fact, go further and say 286 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:50,560 you're trying to prevent your child ever feeling the way you 287 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,880 did. And the problem with that is 288 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:57,400 that your child is not you. Of course, they have a 289 00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,080 completely different temperament, different knees, 290 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:03,120 different nervous system. In fact, they're having a 291 00:18:03,120 --> 00:18:07,160 completely different childhood. They haven't got that person 292 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:10,640 that did it to you. They are having a whole 293 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:15,520 different experience where you are present, you are attuned, 294 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:19,800 you are listening, watching and interested and engaged so they 295 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:23,920 don't have the wounds you do. Things that bothered you won't 296 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:27,960 bother them the same way. So when you automatically give 297 00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:32,320 them what you would have needed, you risk actually missing who 298 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:36,560 they are. You miss what they need. 299 00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:40,560 So here are some examples. For example, you hated being 300 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:43,480 alone as a child, so you insist your child is involved in 301 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:47,080 absolutely everything. However they may be introverted 302 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:51,680 and desperate for quiet, you were maybe nevertheless allowed 303 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,680 to express an opinion. So you invite constant 304 00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:59,160 negotiation on every decision. Your child, meanwhile, actually 305 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:04,000 feels safer with firmer, clearer leadership because that onus of 306 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,720 responsibility on making decisions for themselves. 307 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,320 Yes, some, but really it should be about the colour of their 308 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:14,880 shoes, trousers, T-shirt, whatever it might be, rather 309 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,800 than what restaurant you go to or whether where you should go 310 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:22,240 on holiday this year. Some things need to be dictated, 311 00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:25,160 whereas other things need to be chosen. 312 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:29,960 And what you need to do as the parent in that situation is find 313 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:36,040 the place of happy medium, think about what would be appropriate 314 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:40,760 for a child outside of this experience to make decisions 315 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:43,640 about, and then go from there. Really tricky. 316 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,760 If you can bounce it off somebody, that would also be 317 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:50,240 really, really helpful. So another place might be that 318 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,200 you grew up with parents who never bought anything 319 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:57,120 unnecessary, so you shower your child with toys and experiences. 320 00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:00,960 Your child feels overwhelmed, overstimulated, and struggles 321 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:05,040 with gratitude and regulation, which in turn then disappoints 322 00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:07,640 you because they're taking everything for granted. 323 00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:11,760 But actually they're not. They're just taking it as it's 324 00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:16,040 come. It's a really tricky space, but. 325 00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:20,640 The invitation here is to pause and ask a very simple question. 326 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:26,840 Am I responding to my child or am I responding to my inner 327 00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:30,720 child? You can absolutely notice where 328 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:35,080 you are healing your story and still shift to meet your child 329 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:38,760 as a separate human being. And there's a grief in that too, 330 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:41,960 when you see your child getting a childhood you could only have 331 00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,520 dreamt of, and you're the one giving it. 332 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:50,120 And how easy that is to do. Huge, huge grief. 333 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:53,880 OK. A practical way to do this might 334 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,760 be observe who they actually are, what soothes them, what 335 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,960 stresses them, what lights them up. 336 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:03,160 Perhaps ask them directly, age appropriately, what they like, 337 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:05,360 what they dislike, and what helps. 338 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:09,040 Notice when your reaction is much bigger than the situation, 339 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:14,240 which is usually a sign that your history is in the room and 340 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,240 you are allowed to feel that grief. 341 00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:19,080 You are allowed to grieve what you did not have. 342 00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:23,600 And you are also required to parent the child in front of 343 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,560 you, not the child that you were. 344 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:30,160 Right. Let's move on to the next kind 345 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:34,480 of umbrella question. How do I know I'm not becoming 346 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:38,080 my abusive or toxic parent? This is one of the most common 347 00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:41,160 questions that I hear. You lose your temper, you snap, 348 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:45,480 you say something unkind, and suddenly you're convinced you're 349 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,360 turning into the very, very person that you swore you would 350 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:52,880 never, ever be. So let's be very, very clear. 351 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:56,360 Being human, losing it occasionally and then feeling 352 00:21:56,360 --> 00:22:00,400 awful about it is not the same as being an abusive parent. 353 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:05,320 You know, this is something that was really difficult for me to 354 00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:08,680 get hold of. The idea that I could be human, 355 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,200 that I didn't have to be perfect, that I could lose my 356 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:15,480 temper and apologize and most importantly, repair. 357 00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:19,480 I could model accountability. I could model apology. 358 00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:24,800 That was hard. But my goodness me, what it 359 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:29,680 shows or how it shows up in my children is that they are able, 360 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:33,760 largely not always to accept accountability, responsibility 361 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:38,360 or make mistakes without fear of who they are as people, their 362 00:22:38,360 --> 00:22:41,600 worth and their value. Mistakes, the learning in our 363 00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:45,240 house and that is something I never would have experienced. 364 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:49,880 So anyway, going back to this point, abuse is not about one 365 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,560 off mistakes. Abuse is a passion of behaviour 366 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:56,000 supported by entitlement, denial, and lack of repair. 367 00:22:56,520 --> 00:23:00,480 You know, let's break that down through a few questions again. 368 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:05,800 So the first one would be what actually made my parent abusive 369 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:09,120 or toxic. Well abusive or toxic parent is 370 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:14,280 characterized by things like chronic emotional invalidation, 371 00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:20,200 criticism, shaming, using fear, humiliation or withdrawal of 372 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:24,520 love to control behaviour. Making the child responsible for 373 00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:29,560 the parents emotions or comfort. Refusal to take accountability 374 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,240 or repair when they hurt the child. 375 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:36,040 Prioritising their image, their feelings or their convenience 376 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:40,080 over their child's well-being. Consistently, because there 377 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:45,000 again is the thing consistently along with that word 378 00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:49,160 consistently. Chronic is a keyword. 379 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:54,360 Those two words are absolutely vital to understanding what 380 00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:57,440 characterizes the abuse. Your abusive parent didn't just 381 00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,080 have a bad day and snap occasionally. 382 00:24:00,520 --> 00:24:02,520 This was literally the air that you breezed. 383 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,680 You were always surrounded by it. 384 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:08,720 So when you have a moment of regret, the question is not have 385 00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:10,640 I ever done something my parent did? 386 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:15,160 The question is, am I building a system where this is normal, or 387 00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:18,480 am I treating it as a problem to be addressed? 388 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:21,480 This is something that's really important actually to say at 389 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:24,800 this point. There is a bit of a myth that if 390 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:28,120 you worry about the idea that you're a toxic parent, you're 391 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:31,480 not a toxic or abusive parent. That is not true. 392 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,840 Abusive and toxic parents would wonder and think and consider 393 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,240 whether or not possibly even worry about it. 394 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:42,760 But what they won't do is go. Actually yeah, this thing I do 395 00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:45,160 here is problematic and I probably need to change it. 396 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,840 They will justify every single behaviour and everything and 397 00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:53,040 find excuses and reasons for why what they have done is OK. 398 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:59,560 You however are feeling guilty showing you that you have acted 399 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:04,600 beyond your morals and value system and you are looking to 400 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:08,720 take accountability and repair. It is difficult, especially when 401 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:12,080 you were told to be perfect all the time, but it is vital. 402 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:17,760 So remember that you are not your toxic parent if you are 403 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:21,640 reflecting on your behaviour and how you can change it for your 404 00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:25,200 child's well-being. You may be if you look at your 405 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:29,120 behaviour and then justify every single thing that you know is 406 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:32,640 questionable in terms of toxicity or abuse. 407 00:25:33,240 --> 00:25:37,040 So the next question under this umbrella might be would be 408 00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:41,000 rather how can I check my reality when I'm afraid I am 409 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,640 just like them? Well, when that fear hits, 410 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,880 instead of kind of spiralling into shame, run through some 411 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,800 honest checkpoints with yourself Frequency. 412 00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:54,760 Is this how I behave most of the time or was today an exception? 413 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,600 Intent. Was I trying to terrify, 414 00:25:57,600 --> 00:26:00,760 belittle or control? Or was I overwhelmed and 415 00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:05,600 dysregulated and the response would be, am I prepared to 416 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,880 acknowledge what I did, apologize and change? 417 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:12,440 Or do I double down and blame the child? 418 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:14,440 Do you see that? That's the thing that I'm 419 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:18,960 talking about in the difference between toxic and a bad day. 420 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:21,560 OK. The pattern would be if I zoomed 421 00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:23,840 out. Well, sorry, you're looking for 422 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:26,760 the pattern. So if you zoom out over the past 423 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:31,000 year, would my child experience leave me mostly safe, mostly 424 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:35,680 dangerous or unpredictable? If you recognise that a 425 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:39,520 behaviour is harmful and you feel discomfort, guilt or shame, 426 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,400 that's information. It shows you have a functioning 427 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:43,720 conscience. Empathy. 428 00:26:44,400 --> 00:26:47,400 As I said, an abusive parent tends to justify, minimise or 429 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:52,120 blame the child rather than feel remorse and move towards change. 430 00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:55,640 But that does not mean you get to stay there. 431 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:59,920 Feeling bad is not the repair, it is the starting signal. 432 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:06,560 OK, it's going back to the apology and the accountability 433 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:10,760 and the change in behaviour. So let's move on to the next 434 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,960 question, which is what does repair actually look like with 435 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:16,160 my child? Well, repair is where you 436 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,280 demonstrate that you are not your abusive parent. 437 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:23,240 It could sound like maybe, you know, earlier I shouted and that 438 00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:25,520 wasn't OK. You did not deserve to be 439 00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:30,320 shouted or spoken to like that, you know, Or it could be I was 440 00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:32,280 feeling overwhelmed. But that is not your 441 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,080 responsibility. I'm sorry. 442 00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:39,000 So we might explain the context, but we're not using it as a way 443 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,560 to justify or excuse the behaviour. 444 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:43,240 We're still taking accountability. 445 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:46,040 Another one might be I'm going to work on doing that 446 00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:50,320 differently next time. Notice what you're not doing. 447 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:54,040 You are not saying I'm a terrible parent, I'm useless, 448 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:58,160 you must hate me and making your child comfort you because that's 449 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:02,040 what you do in those moments. You centre yourself and you ask 450 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:05,880 them to rescue you. You are not saying well if you 451 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:08,640 just behaved I would not have to shout. 452 00:28:09,400 --> 00:28:11,520 You're not pretending it did not happen. 453 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:16,880 You name the behaviour, own it, apologize and change. 454 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:20,040 Children do not need you never to get it wrong. 455 00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:23,760 They need to see what it looks like when someone who loves them 456 00:28:23,760 --> 00:28:27,600 takes accountability and them behaves differently. 457 00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:32,600 That is how you break the cycle. I hate the word cycle. 458 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:36,400 I always think of it as a chain. We're not in a cycle, we're in a 459 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:39,680 chain of trauma being passed down. 460 00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:44,360 But regardless, that is how you break the chain. 461 00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,480 If you're scared of rejection, of saying no, have no idea how 462 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,520 to trust people, you're not alone. 463 00:28:52,640 --> 00:28:54,280 And you don't have to heal alone either. 464 00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:57,480 That's what the Hub is for. It's a membership community 465 00:28:57,480 --> 00:28:59,640 designed for survivors just like you. 466 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,520 Every month we dive into powerful courses. 467 00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:06,320 We hold live calls and connect in a supportive, understanding 468 00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:10,440 space so you can break free from the past and build healthy, 469 00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:14,480 fulfilling relationships. Maybe it's time to stop 470 00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:17,280 surviving and instead start thriving. 471 00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:23,000 Visit Join the hub dot AC today using the code POD 20 to get £20 472 00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:25,040 off your first month's membership. 473 00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,320 I can't wait to see you there. Take care. 474 00:29:28,520 --> 00:29:33,040 Bye. And the next question would be, 475 00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:37,440 what if I can see I'm repeating some of their patterns? 476 00:29:39,040 --> 00:29:41,760 This is the bit many of us do not want to hear. 477 00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:45,040 If you can see that you were consistently using control, 478 00:29:45,040 --> 00:29:49,920 shame, silent treatment, guilt or fear, then you are not just a 479 00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:52,840 bit like your parent. When you you are stressed, 480 00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:57,120 you're actively repeating harm. You may not be as extreme, you 481 00:29:57,120 --> 00:30:00,520 may not be doing what they did to you, but your child is not 482 00:30:00,520 --> 00:30:02,720 comparing your behaviour to your parent. 483 00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:05,040 They're experiencing it directly. 484 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:08,320 If that is you, you need support, therapy, 485 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,120 psychoeducation groups, something that helps you 486 00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:15,240 regulate your own nervous system and learn different relational 487 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:18,040 skills. You are responsible for stopping 488 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:22,560 the pattern, not your child. They are not the one who needs 489 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:24,800 to be more understanding of your trauma. 490 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:27,160 You are the one who needs to address it. 491 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:31,840 Compassion for yourself is important, but compassion 492 00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:35,600 without accountability just recreates the same damage in a 493 00:30:35,600 --> 00:30:39,920 softer voice. We're not doing that, and I, 494 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:44,160 apart from anyone else, will hold you accountable for it. 495 00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:47,960 So let's move on to the next umbrella, Christian. 496 00:30:48,560 --> 00:30:52,040 Staying the reliable adult when your child is angry, upset or 497 00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:54,240 rejecting you. This is where a lot of 498 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:56,160 traumatized parents really struggle. 499 00:30:56,160 --> 00:30:59,560 Understandably, if you grew up trying to keep a parent happy so 500 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:03,560 you did not get hurt, your child being angry with you can feel 501 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:06,480 intolerable. Or if you have rejection 502 00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:09,600 sensitivity, not dysphoria, because that is not a thing. 503 00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:14,360 Please see my socials or my channel with Doctor Paul on 504 00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:15,720 YouTube where we talk about this. 505 00:31:15,920 --> 00:31:21,200 But if you have a heightened sensitivity to rejection, your 506 00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:24,040 child being angry with you, rejecting you can just feel 507 00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:27,240 awful. It can trigger thoughts like I'm 508 00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:29,920 the worst parent or they hate me. 509 00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:32,600 I've ruined absolutely everything. 510 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:37,040 I'm being abused now. This is exactly what my parent 511 00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:40,320 did to me. When those beliefs kick in, it's 512 00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:42,600 very easy to do one of two things. 513 00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:46,680 You make it all about you and you demand your child makes you 514 00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:48,800 feel better. You collapse into gills and 515 00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:50,960 start negotiating your boundaries away. 516 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:55,080 Neither of those responses is you being the reliable adult. 517 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:58,600 Let's go through some specific questions here again. 518 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:03,480 So #1 would be what does it mean to not centre myself and my 519 00:32:03,480 --> 00:32:06,600 child is upset? Well, not centring yourself, and 520 00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:09,000 we've talked about it already a little bit, means that your 521 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:12,880 child's emotional experience in that moment is about them, not 522 00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:16,800 about your history, identity or your need for reassurance. 523 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:20,320 Centring yourself might look like, do you know how much I do 524 00:32:20,320 --> 00:32:22,400 for you and this is how you treat me. 525 00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:28,240 You sound just like your grandfather or grandmother or I 526 00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:30,480 was never allowed to speak to my parents like that. 527 00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:33,680 You are so lucky. I cannot believe you speak to me 528 00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:36,960 in that way, crying in front of them in a way that makes them 529 00:32:36,960 --> 00:32:38,880 feel responsible for your feelings. 530 00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:42,640 I actually remember seeing a TikTok about a woman who was in 531 00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:45,720 her car having a panic attack and her five year old was 532 00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:48,880 regulating and grounding her and helping her with her breathing. 533 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:51,080 And everybody in the comments was, Oh my God, it's so sweet. 534 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,800 It's so sweet. But our lot, and I know it was 535 00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:56,120 our lot because I know we all know about these sorts of 536 00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:57,640 things. We're saying this is 537 00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:01,760 inappropriate and it was. A5 year old should not be 538 00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:05,200 regulating their parent. Understand things are hard and 539 00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:09,880 people have difficult moments, but it is not your job, sorry. 540 00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:14,360 It's not their job to make you safe for them because that is 541 00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:17,440 what they would be doing. If you are in that situation 542 00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:19,840 where you're crying or having a panic attack or anxious or 543 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:23,400 whatever it might be, you let them know that even though that 544 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:27,440 is happening, you will be OK, that you just need a moment for 545 00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:30,800 the feelings to pass, That feelings are OK and safe. 546 00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:34,400 There was a bereavement in our family a while ago and I 547 00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:37,880 remember my oldest, who was actually quite young at the 548 00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:42,840 time, seeing me cry, probably for the first time in a quite 549 00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:47,280 significant way, and me saying, darling, this is normal but it's 550 00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:50,640 OK, it's good to let it out but I will be OK. 551 00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:52,400 And that was all they needed to hear. 552 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:54,880 They didn't rescue me and I didn't ask them to. 553 00:33:55,320 --> 00:34:00,080 And what it showed was these feelings are absolutely normal 554 00:34:00,080 --> 00:34:03,280 and accepted in our family and it's important that you let them 555 00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:06,880 out and that somebody will be there for you should you need 556 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:11,080 them to be. So it's there's a sort of 557 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:15,360 difficult nuance in it. But the point being that you are 558 00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:20,280 not asking them to make you feel better about hurting them, 559 00:34:20,679 --> 00:34:23,960 Right. Anyway, so another way we centre 560 00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:27,239 ourselves is by turning their perfectly normal anger into a 561 00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:30,719 debate about whether you are a good enough parent. 562 00:34:31,159 --> 00:34:35,280 Instead of that, you could stay calm enough to sort of name 563 00:34:35,280 --> 00:34:37,360 what's happening. You're very angry with me right 564 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:40,280 now. I get it, but you hold the 565 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:42,600 boundary. You're allowed to be angry. 566 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:46,480 You are not allowed to call me names, hit or break things, 567 00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:50,440 acknowledge their perspective without surrendering your role. 568 00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:53,080 From your point of view, this feels really unfair. 569 00:34:53,159 --> 00:34:57,000 I hear that, and I'm still saying no to the party. 570 00:34:57,320 --> 00:34:59,640 In that moment. Your job is not to be understood 571 00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:03,120 or forgiven or seen as the good parent. 572 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:07,720 Your job is to be the parent, the reliable adult who can 573 00:35:07,720 --> 00:35:10,160 survive being disliked for a bit. 574 00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:14,400 It's totally OK. They're allowed to reject you. 575 00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:18,720 They are allowed to leave without guilt and return without 576 00:35:18,720 --> 00:35:20,040 punishment. Right. 577 00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:24,760 OK, so moving on. The next question is how do I 578 00:35:24,760 --> 00:35:26,840 hold a boundary without shaming them? 579 00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:31,080 A lot of traumatized parents only saw two models of response 580 00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:34,200 growing up. Model 1 would be harsh, shaming, 581 00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:37,640 frightening. 2 no boundaries at all. 582 00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:39,960 Or maybe it would be a mix of the two. 583 00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:44,560 But either way, now when you try to hold a boundary, it can feel 584 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:47,400 like your only tools are the ones that you were given, which 585 00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:50,000 are largely or were largely shame and fear. 586 00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:53,880 So let's be concrete. Shaming boundaries look like 587 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:56,520 you're so selfish you never think of anyone else. 588 00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:00,160 No wonder you have no friends if you behave like this. 589 00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:04,200 Triggering myself and that I cannot believe I raised someone 590 00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:07,280 who acts like this. Maybe I should have done a bingo 591 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:09,640 card to go with this episode, but there we are anyway. 592 00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:13,080 Firm non shaming boundary would look like. 593 00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:15,840 I'm not willing to be spoken to like that. 594 00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:20,880 If you continue I will end the conversation looping back to 595 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:22,800 what we were talking about right at the beginning under that 596 00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:26,560 first question of saying there is a limit to how much I will 597 00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:28,600 take. I am still a human being even 598 00:36:28,600 --> 00:36:31,080 though I'm your parent. Your feelings are valid, but 599 00:36:31,080 --> 00:36:35,400 they do not get to wound me in a really nasty way. 600 00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:40,520 OK, so it's OK to be angry. It's not OK to slam doors or 601 00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:42,640 throw things. If it happens again, we will 602 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:44,760 need to take a break and try again later. 603 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,320 Or I can hear how disappointed you are. 604 00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:51,480 I'm still not changing my mind. The difference is that you were 605 00:36:51,480 --> 00:36:55,160 describing behaviour, not attacking identity. 606 00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:59,400 Here's the thing, you are separating who you are as a 607 00:36:59,400 --> 00:37:01,920 whole from what you're currently doing. 608 00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:05,080 This is the piece that traumatised children very rarely 609 00:37:05,080 --> 00:37:07,520 got. You can dislike A behaviour 610 00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:10,200 while still being a safe, loving base. 611 00:37:10,360 --> 00:37:15,840 And this is the bit that I think is so important for us to both 612 00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:19,880 understand for ourselves and our experience, but of what not to 613 00:37:19,880 --> 00:37:24,560 do for our children. In that when we are not enjoying 614 00:37:24,560 --> 00:37:27,440 a behaviour, when a behaviour is one that we do not want to 615 00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:31,280 encourage in any way, shape or form, we do not shame the entire 616 00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:35,200 character. We do not say you are this, we 617 00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:38,960 say this thing you do is not OK, right? 618 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:43,080 We correct the behaviour, not the character. 619 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:48,120 And that is the thing that we reject behavior, not the 620 00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:51,200 character. OK, so next question would be, 621 00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:53,960 what about when they reject me or pull away? 622 00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:58,160 Well, this one, it's right at the center of unhealed 623 00:37:58,160 --> 00:38:00,240 abandonment wounds. Of course it does. 624 00:38:00,240 --> 00:38:01,960 And of course, it feels terrible. 625 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:05,200 Maybe your child wants the other parent when they're hurt. 626 00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:09,160 Or maybe your teenager pulls away, rolls their eyes or 627 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:12,560 familiar and then, you know, tells you to get out of their 628 00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:15,560 room. Maybe they're contemptuous about 629 00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:18,040 you. Maybe your adult child needs 630 00:38:18,040 --> 00:38:21,120 distance to heal from things that happened in the past. 631 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:25,520 If you have unresolved trauma, this can feel like the worst 632 00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:28,480 thing that could happen. It might bring all the old pain 633 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:31,600 rushing up the times you were ignored, discarded, or pushed 634 00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:35,360 aside, and trigger the fear that you actually have been that 635 00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:37,640 parent that you were so desperate not to be. 636 00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:42,040 When that happens. When they pursue away, you might 637 00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:46,280 be tempted to guilt them. After everything I've done for 638 00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:49,280 you, this is how you treat me. Or maybe chase them. 639 00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:52,360 Constant texts, calls, demands for reassurance. 640 00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:57,440 Or that you can't just do this. You can't just cut me off. 641 00:38:57,760 --> 00:39:01,280 You need to talk about it. Essentially those are demands 642 00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:03,200 for reassurance, demands for connection. 643 00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:06,600 And then the final thing is you might want to retaliate. 644 00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:10,480 Fine, if you do not want me, do not come to me when you need 645 00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:13,800 something. Again, understandable, but not 646 00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:15,920 helpful. You have to remember as you're 647 00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:19,040 listening to this, to hold yourself with this compassion. 648 00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:23,280 The blueprint that you were given to parent from was so 649 00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:26,280 messed up and you're trying to undo all the things without 650 00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:29,480 knowing which ones were actually good and which ones were bad, if 651 00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:33,280 any were good at all. And sometimes there will be good 652 00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:36,240 bits. The questionnaires or the task I 653 00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:41,280 suppose actually is to identify what was good, what you want to 654 00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:45,400 take, and leave behind the rest the things that were harmful. 655 00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:49,160 So you know, understandable but not helpful. 656 00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:53,440 Instead, the task is to hold on to 3 truths at once. 657 00:39:53,880 --> 00:39:58,880 Their anger, distance, or need for space may be painful, but it 658 00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:02,280 is not automatically abandonment, and it's certainly 659 00:40:02,280 --> 00:40:06,640 not automatically abuse. You are allowed to have feelings 660 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:09,920 about it, but those feelings are yours to process with other 661 00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:15,040 adults, not with the child. A secure parent can survive 662 00:40:15,040 --> 00:40:20,600 being temporarily disliked or held accountable, you might say, 663 00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:23,760 to a younger child. You're really upset with me and 664 00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:26,720 and want dad or mum or other caregiver right now. 665 00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:30,640 That's OK, they can help you and I'm still here when you are 666 00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:34,200 ready. Or to a teen you might say I can 667 00:40:34,200 --> 00:40:35,800 see you need space. I'll respect that. 668 00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:37,160 I'm available when you want to talk. 669 00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:40,000 I love you. Or to an adult child, 670 00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:43,920 particularly in the context of past harm or trauma. 671 00:40:44,640 --> 00:40:46,200 I hear that you need distance at the moment. 672 00:40:46,240 --> 00:40:49,160 I will respect that if you decide you want any kind of 673 00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:52,080 contact in the future. I'm open to that and prepared to 674 00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:56,040 keep doing my own work. Notice again, you are not 675 00:40:56,040 --> 00:40:57,920 begging, guilting or retaliating. 676 00:40:58,240 --> 00:41:01,000 You're making it safe for them to come towards you while 677 00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:04,240 accepting that they may not, or not yet. 678 00:41:04,880 --> 00:41:07,640 And then you go and fall apart with your therapist or your 679 00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:12,640 friends, not with them. Children are not here to heal 680 00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:16,240 our childhood wounds. I want to end with this because 681 00:41:16,240 --> 00:41:18,840 it sits underneath everything we've talked about. 682 00:41:20,000 --> 00:41:24,960 If you were traumatized as a child, you absolutely deserved 683 00:41:24,960 --> 00:41:28,120 better. You deserved safety, validation, 684 00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:33,360 protection, someone who chose you over their own comfort. 685 00:41:33,960 --> 00:41:37,480 If you become a parent, that longing does not suddenly 686 00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:40,440 disappear. It may in fact intensify, 687 00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:45,240 because now you can finally see without our eyes how bad it 688 00:41:45,240 --> 00:41:49,640 really was. That can create a very powerful 689 00:41:49,920 --> 00:41:54,640 temptation to make your child the answer to your pain. 690 00:41:55,240 --> 00:41:58,720 To lean on them for emotional support, To look to them for 691 00:41:58,720 --> 00:42:01,680 reassurance that you are not like your parent. 692 00:42:02,160 --> 00:42:06,280 To take their affection as proof that you are lovable after all. 693 00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:10,160 To treat them as the second chance at your own childhood 694 00:42:10,520 --> 00:42:13,040 instead of the first chance of that. 695 00:42:13,640 --> 00:42:16,840 This is where we have to be very, very direct. 696 00:42:17,760 --> 00:42:21,360 When you use your child to stabilize yourself esteem, 697 00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:25,640 regulate your emotions, or heal your history, you're putting 698 00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:30,400 adult work onto a child. And that was exactly what was 699 00:42:30,400 --> 00:42:33,800 done to you. Even if the content looks 700 00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:36,440 different. Your child deserves parents who 701 00:42:36,440 --> 00:42:40,280 take their own healing seriously, who uses therapy, 702 00:42:40,480 --> 00:42:44,440 friendship, support networks and self reflection rather than 703 00:42:44,440 --> 00:42:46,800 their children to hold their pain. 704 00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:52,600 Your child deserves a parent who can say, I have trauma and it is 705 00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:55,280 not your job to fix it, it's mine. 706 00:42:55,840 --> 00:43:00,160 Your job is to be a child. Being a good parent after trauma 707 00:43:00,440 --> 00:43:03,320 is not about being endlessly gentle and permissive. 708 00:43:03,560 --> 00:43:06,960 It's about being honest, accountable, and committed to 709 00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,880 change. It's about being willing to say 710 00:43:10,320 --> 00:43:15,040 what happened to me was not my fault, but what I do now is my 711 00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:18,080 responsibility. And it is about remembering 712 00:43:18,120 --> 00:43:22,440 always that your child does not need you to be perfect. 713 00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:26,560 They need you to be real, safe, and willing to repair. 714 00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:30,520 If you recognize yourself and a lot of what I've talked about 715 00:43:30,520 --> 00:43:34,800 today, do not use it as evidence that you are hopeless. 716 00:43:35,160 --> 00:43:39,040 Use it as a map. Notice where you rescue instead 717 00:43:39,040 --> 00:43:41,680 of support. Notice where you repeat patterns 718 00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:45,080 instead of challenging them. Then notice where you put your 719 00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:49,120 feelings at the centre instead of your child's experience. 720 00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:53,120 And then, one conversation at a time, begin to do things 721 00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:55,320 differently. You'll not get it right every 722 00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:59,480 time, but every time you choose repair over defensiveness, 723 00:43:59,680 --> 00:44:03,760 accountability over denial, and support over rescue, you are 724 00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:09,680 doing something extraordinary. Wow, there we are. 725 00:44:10,000 --> 00:44:13,800 That is parenting after trauma. So I would love to hear 726 00:44:14,080 --> 00:44:16,600 thoughts, feelings, questions and comments. 727 00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:20,960 Do write in and if you want to apply to be on the show, you can 728 00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:27,000 do so on my website. So that being said, as ever, all 729 00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:30,120 that now remains to be said is take care.