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Welcome to the Unfuck Your 
Relationships podcast, the show 

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where we are no longer just 
unfucking your love life, we are

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unfucking your entire life. 
Because around here, we raise 

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standards, we break patterns, we
do the shadow work, we upgrade 

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yourself concept, your 
boundaries, your confidence, 

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your relationships, your health,
your money, all of it. 

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There is no fluff here. 
There's no pretending, there's 

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no performing. 
Just radical, sometimes brutal 

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honesty, truth telling, and the 
kind of big sister best friend 

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energy that calls you the fuck 
forward. 

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So if you are ready to stop 
settling for the bare minimum 

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and you are finally ready to 
become the woman that you are so

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proud to wake up as in the 
morning, you are in the right 

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place. 
So let's unfuck your life one 

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episode at a time. 
All right, now let's get into 

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today's episode. 
Hello, my loves, welcome back to

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the Unfuck Your Relationships 
podcast. 

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I'm your host, Michelle Panning,
and this is episode 236. 

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So all right, if you keep self 
sabotaging every time life 

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starts going well, if you can't 
let people see the real you 

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because you are terrified that 
they won't stay, if you've done 

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the healing quote UN quote, but 
you're still repeating the same 

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patterns like it's your full 
time fucking job. 

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You're just being run by parts 
of you that have been driving 

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from the back seat for years and
those parts didn't come out of 

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nowhere. 
OK. 

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The version of you who people 
pleases or avoids conflict or 

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shuts down or gets defenses or 
over explains or chases 

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validation, procrastinates, 
numbs out, stays chill when 

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you're actually fucking 
devastated, says it's fine when 

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it's very much not fine. 
Is a collection of everything 

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that you had to become to feel 
safe in a world that didn't 

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always feel safe. 
This is the shadow. 

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And ignoring these shadows is 
exactly why you feel stuck. 

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So we are talking about shadow 
work for beginners. 

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Shadow work 101. 
My favorite topic. 

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Shadow work gets made into this 
very like mystical, vague, dark 

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spiritual word salad type thing.
But it's actually one of the 

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most practical life changing 
tools you will ever learn 

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because the moment that you can 
see what is running you, what is

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in the driver's seat, you can 
change it. 

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And your shadow only has power 
when it stays hidden, right? 

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So there's a famous quote by 
Carl Jung, who is like the 

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grandfather of shadow work. 
And it says until you make the 

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unconscious conscious, it will 
rule your life and you will 

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continue to call it fate, right?
So like I said, your shadow only

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has power when it stays hidden. 
The moment you bring it into the

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light, into the consciousness, 
it loses control. 

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When people hear shadow, they 
think it's some like, dark evil,

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like gremlin inside of them, 
Like, Oh no, my shadow is here. 

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I must banish her. 
Like, no, your shadow isn't 

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evil, OK? 
Your shadow is your wound, your 

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protection strategies, the parts
of you that you have learned to 

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hide, the needs that you've 
buried, the things that you 

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shame, deny, repress, pretend 
aren't there, right? 

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And sometimes the power that you
were taught was too much. 

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It can also be really great 
things. 

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That's called the golden shadow,
right? 

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Which we're not going to talk 
about today. 

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But shadow work is basically 
learning how to be with the 

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parts of you you've been running
from without letting them 

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unconsciously run your life. 
So about fixing yourself, I 

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fucking hate that would be like,
I just got to fix myself. 

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Like nothing needs to be fixed. 
Nothing needs to be fixed, 

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right? 
It's just about stopping the 

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exhausting job of performing, 
forming a version of you that 

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feels safe enough to be loved, 
right? 

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So the simplest way to 
understand shadow is this. 

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Something hurt you, You adapted,
you hid that part of you, and 

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now that hidden part runs 
patterns in your adult life. 

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So let's say this, right? 
I'll give a couple of examples. 

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If your sensitivity was shamed, 
you may have now learned to be 

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low maintenance. 
If your needs were ignored, 

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you've now learned to be hyper 
independent. 

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If you were criticized a lot, 
you learn to people please. 

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If you were rejected, you've 
learned to shape shift and be a 

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bit of a chameleon. 
If your voice was shut down, you

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learn to stay small. 
If your body was judged, you'll 

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learn to hide. 
Makes sense. 

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And the wounded part and the 
hidden part are usually the 

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exact same thing, right? 
That's the shadow. 

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It's just a part of you that 
went into hiding to what it felt

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like in the moment was to 
survive right now. 

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Here's why this matters. 
Those parts don't disappear 

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because you're a grown up now. 
They keep running your 

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relationships, your confidence, 
your money patterns, your 

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boundaries, your sex life and 
your I know better, but I keep 

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doing it anyway moments because 
you cannot live a fully 

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expressed life. 
While 20%, thirty percent, 50 

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percent, 80% of you is still 
hiding, right? 

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Shadow isn't the behavior, it's 
what the behavior is protecting,

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right? 
People say like, oh, my shadow 

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is that I people, please no 
people pleasing is the strategy,

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right? 
And this is something I go into 

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in depth in the Connected Woman.
We have a whole module on 

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reactivity, right? 
Which is the strategy that the 

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ego uses to protect the shadows.
So the shadow is the part 

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underneath the strategy that 
believes that if they're upset 

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with me, I'm not safe. 
If I disappoint them, they'll 

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leave. 
If I'm not perfect, then I won't

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be loved. 
So the behavior is the symptom 

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whilst the shadow is the root. 
And until you deal with the 

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root, you'll keep treating 
symptoms your whole life right? 

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It's like putting a Band-Aid 
over a broken leg is not going 

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to do shit right? 
So the only reason the shadow 

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work feels hard is because it 
asks you to do one thing that 

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most people avoid like the 
plague, which is to feel what 

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you've been avoiding. 
Not to analyze it, not to 

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intellectualize it, not to make 
a color-coded Notion page about 

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it or, you know, ask ChatGPT to 
dissect it and all of the 

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things, but to actually fucking 
feel it. 

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Because the shadow isn't healed 
by more thinking. 

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It's healed by awareness, 
compassion, truth, and new 

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action. 
So you guys have heard me say a 

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million times, clock it, own it,
clean it up. 

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Awareness, compassion, truth, 
new action. 

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Is that am I right or am I 
right? 

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OK, so if you want to find your 
shadow in 10 seconds, let's play

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a game. 
I want you to close your eyes, 

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unless you're driving, in which 
case keep your eyes open. 

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Focus on the road. 
Imagine you are at home hanging 

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out, watching Netflix, whatever,
just chilling and your phone 

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rings and it's your bestie on 
the line. 

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She says Oh my God. 
And you're like what? 

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Tell me she's like, have you 
seen what people are saying 

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about you? 
I want you to just notice what 

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happened in your body. 
First off, was it like, I feel 

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sick to my stomach contraction 
getting really hot, right? 

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What's the first thought that 
hits? 

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What's your immediate fear? 
Because whatever you instantly 

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assume people are saying about 
you, that's your shadow pointing

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at herself. 
Like, hi, baby, it's me. 

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Hi, right. 
So some examples, right? 

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For some people it's like, I'm 
embarrassing, I'm too much, I'm 

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not enough, I'm a fraud, I'm 
unlovable, I'm selfish, people 

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hate me, I'm cringe. 
I'm going to be rejected, right?

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That first fear is usually that 
core wound. 

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Shadow work is not obsessing 
over every flaw and calling it 

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healing right. 
It's not turning your pain into 

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some like productivity hack 
where you are just like 

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constantly diving into your 
shit. 

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It's not becoming perfect so 
that you finally feel worthy. 

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And it sure as fuck is not 
weaponizing self-awareness to 

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just shame yourself. 
Shadow work is meeting the parts

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of you that are scared, 
protective, reactive, ashamed, 

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controlling, avoidant, yada yada
yada and then leading them 

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instead of letting them lead you
Right. 

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So it's not I am broken, it's a 
part of me. 

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Learned this and I can unlearn 
it because this puts the power 

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back in your hands versus like 
just you know, this is how I am.

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I'm just living my life idly. 
No, like don't disempower 

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yourself. 
OK, so I'm going to give you a 

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four step beginner shadow work 
process that is simple but super

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fucking powerful. 
If you're listening to this 

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thinking, why does it sound like
she's literally in my head, Then

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it is time that you joined the 
connected woman. 

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This is the work that completely
rewires how you show up in your 

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love life. 
If you're in a relationship, 

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this is how you stop repeating 
the same patterns over and over 

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again. 
You stop lashing out, you stop 

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shutting down, and you turn 
things around to the point where

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your partner actually falls in 
love with you all over again. 

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And if you're single, this is 
how you stop choosing the same 

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person in a different body and 
actually attract someone who is 

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emotionally available, ready, is
obsessed with you, and can meet 

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you from the very beginning. 
This is the end of I know 

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better, but I don't do better. 
This is the point where these 

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patterns are stopped for good. 
If you know you're ready for 

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this work, you know what to do. 
The link will be in the 

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description. 
Join the connected woman today. 

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Let's get back to the episode. 
So step one is tracking your 

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triggers. 
It might not be these massive 

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big dramatic moments, but it 
actually might be the sneaky 

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ones that flip your nervous 
system in two seconds, right? 

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Like when someone doesn't reply 
and you instantly feel sick. 

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Or when someone's just says 
like, K, and you're like, cool, 

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cool, cool, cool, cool, I'm 
gonna die, right? 

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Or, you know, when someone says,
hey, can we have a chat later, 

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right? 
Or when someone gives you a 

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certain look or they have a 
certain tone and then you feel 

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judged. 
Or when you see someone else 

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winning and then you feel 
jealous or inferior or when your

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partner is quiet and you start 
making up an entire movie in 

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your head about what is going on
for him and how blah, blah, 

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blah, right? 
So a trigger is basically an 

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overreaction in the present 
because an old wound got 

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touched, right? 
So if you remember when I was 

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talking about, I think it was, 
did I say it in this episode? 

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God, I'm on one. 
Did I say in this episode or the

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last episode, I was talking 
about how I've got a bruise on 

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my leg, right? 
And it's like when you have a 

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trigger, if my other leg, I can 
squeeze my leg, right, right. 

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And it doesn't hurt. 
But if I just lightly graze over

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my bruise, I'm like, ow, right. 
So that's the thing. 

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It's like an overreaction to the
present because an old wound got

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touched. 
So when you start noticing, when

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you tense, when you want to 
hide, when you get defensive, 

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when you shut down, when you 
people please, when you over 

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explain because that's the 
shadow activation. 

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It's not your personality, which
is what most people say. 

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Oh, that's just what I do. 
That's who I am, right? 

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No, it's an activation. 
It's a pattern. 

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OK, So I want you to start 
tracking your triggers. 

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Step 2 is naming the story, 
which is the part that most 

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people skip. 
So you have to catch the belief 

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underneath the trigger by asking
what story just switched on in 

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my head right? 
What am I making this mean about

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me and what am I afraid that 
this proves? 

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So again, it could be things 
like I'm not important, I'm 

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going to be rejected, I'm too 
much, I'm annoying, I'm not 

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chosen, I always get left, I'm 
unlovable, I'm behind, I'm not 

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safe, right? 
That story is, is the wound 

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talking. 
So start to unpack what am I 

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making this mean about me, 
right? 

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And then Step 3 is not just 
fixing it, but sitting with it 

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because your ego is going to 
want to justify, defend, explain

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Nam distract spiral. 
People, please deflect, control,

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all the things right? 
But shadow work is learning to 

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say, OK baby, I see you not shut
the fuck up. 

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Not this stupid, not I shouldn't
feel this, but hi, there you 

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are. 
Hello darkness, my old friend. 

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Right. 
OK, so when you stop resisting, 

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a part of you, it stops 
screaming. 

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And this is the moment you 
become the leader, right? 

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What you resist persists. 
So this isn't about trying to 

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make the feeling disappear. 
You're teaching your system that

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this feeling can exist without 
running the show. 

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This is a very different 
approach to like love and light,

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which is like just like 
affirmations and all the things 

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that gets very different. 
It's actually going into the 

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feeling so that you can 
alchemize it and it becomes 

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something else. 
So Step 4 is integration through

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action, which is where healing 
becomes real, because you don't 

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heal by understanding your 
shadow. 

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I'll say it in every fucking 
episode until I die. 

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I swear to God. 
Understanding is not enough, 

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awareness is not enough. 
If awareness was enough, you 

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would not be listening to this 
and you would have the perfect 

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life. 
OK, so you don't heal by 

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understanding your shadow, you 
heal by stopping your behavior 

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from reinforcing the old story. 
So you ask what the old you 

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would do right now, and then you
ask what would the however you 

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want to phrase it. 
What would the connected version

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of me do? 
What would the self LED version 

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of me do? 
What would the woman who 

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respects herself do right and do
that instead? 

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So old you stays quiet to avoid 
being judged, but new you speaks

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up anyway. 
Right old you may people please 

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to keep the peace, whereas new 
you might hold the boundary. 

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Old you numbs out when you feel 
overwhelmed. 

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New you feels it, breathes, 
moves her body, asks for 

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support. 
I don't know, right old you 

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chases validation. 
New you validates yourself. 

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Old you shrinks so fucking you 
know, like easily so that she's 

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like, I'm so easy to love. 
No, you takes up space and lets 

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people rise to meet her right? 
So that hidden part comes back 

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online when you become her 
again. 

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So if you hid your voice, use 
it. 

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If you hid your needs, express 
them. 

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If you had your sensuality, 
reclaim it. 

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If you hid your ambition and 
your drive, fucking go for it, 

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right? 
Not perfectly, but consistently.

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Because your nervous system 
learns safety through 

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repetition. 
And this matters so much for 

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your relationships. 
Because shadow work is the 

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difference between why do I keep
choosing emotionally unavailable

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people and I keep recreating my 
wound because it's familiar. 

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It's the difference between why 
do I sabotage when things get 

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good and a part of me believes 
that good things aren't safe, or

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when I experience good things, 
bad things happen. 

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It's the difference between why 
do I lose myself in 

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relationships and oh, I learned 
to abandon myself to keep 

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others. 
So there's a big distinction 

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between all of these things. 
So we need to learn to ask 

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ourselves better questions. 
And this is learned through 

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shadow work. 
And this is the exact things 

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that we dive into inside the 
Connected Woman. 

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So if you've ever thought I'm 
self aware, but I still feel 

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stuck or I know the pattern but 
I keep doing it or I've done all

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the fucking healing work, I've 
done therapy, all the things, 

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but my relationship triggers 
still own me. 

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This is a sign that you are 
ready for deeper work. 

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OK? 
Because the Connected Woman is 

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shadow work for your love life. 
And I will say that you can also

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apply it to any area of your 
life. 

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Yeah, this isn't some fluffy 
shit or like just communicate 

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better. 
It's understanding why you react

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the way way that you do, where 
it comes from. 

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And that's all well and good, 
but then how to actually change 

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it at the root. 
OK, so The Connected Woman 

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starts in February 2026. 
And if you are ready to stop 

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being run by parts of you that 
learned survival and start being

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led by the version of you who 
actually feels secure, you know 

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what to do. 
The link will be in the 

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description and I can't wait to 
welcome you inside. 

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All right, guys, thanks for 
hanging out with me today. 

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I love you and I'll see you next
week. 

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All right, my love, let what 
landed today actually land 

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because this podcast is not just
here to inspire you. 

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It is here to change you, your 
standards, your patterns, your 

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life. 
And if you are done living on 

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autopilot, you're done 
shrinking. 

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You're done repeating the same 
fucking shit over and over. 

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Let this be your reminder. 
You are built for more. 

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Unfucking your life is a choice 
you make every single day. 

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And if you want to go deeper, 
come hang out with me on 

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Instagram at Michelle Panning 
because that is where I share 

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all of the raw stuff, the real 
time shifts that I'm having in 

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my life and everything that I am
doing to raise my own standards 

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to in life and in love. 
I love you. 

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I believe in your next level. 
Go unfuck your life, babe.