Welcome to the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast, the show
where we are no longer just unfucking your love life, we are
unfucking your entire life. Because around here, we raise
standards, we break patterns, we do the shadow work, we upgrade
yourself concept, your boundaries, your confidence,
your relationships, your health, your money, all of it.
There is no fluff here. There's no pretending, there's
no performing. Just radical, sometimes brutal
honesty, truth telling, and the kind of big sister best friend
energy that calls you the fuck forward.
So if you are ready to stop settling for the bare minimum
and you are finally ready to become the woman that you are so
proud to wake up as in the morning, you are in the right
place. So let's unfuck your life one
episode at a time. All right, now let's get into
today's episode. Hello, my loves, welcome back to
the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast.
I'm your host, Michelle Panning, and this is episode 236.
So all right, if you keep self sabotaging every time life
starts going well, if you can't let people see the real you
because you are terrified that they won't stay, if you've done
the healing quote UN quote, but you're still repeating the same
patterns like it's your full time fucking job.
You're just being run by parts of you that have been driving
from the back seat for years and those parts didn't come out of
nowhere. OK.
The version of you who people pleases or avoids conflict or
shuts down or gets defenses or over explains or chases
validation, procrastinates, numbs out, stays chill when
you're actually fucking devastated, says it's fine when
it's very much not fine. Is a collection of everything
that you had to become to feel safe in a world that didn't
always feel safe. This is the shadow.
And ignoring these shadows is exactly why you feel stuck.
So we are talking about shadow work for beginners.
Shadow work 101. My favorite topic.
Shadow work gets made into this very like mystical, vague, dark
spiritual word salad type thing. But it's actually one of the
most practical life changing tools you will ever learn
because the moment that you can see what is running you, what is
in the driver's seat, you can change it.
And your shadow only has power when it stays hidden, right?
So there's a famous quote by Carl Jung, who is like the
grandfather of shadow work. And it says until you make the
unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will
continue to call it fate, right? So like I said, your shadow only
has power when it stays hidden. The moment you bring it into the
light, into the consciousness, it loses control.
When people hear shadow, they think it's some like, dark evil,
like gremlin inside of them, Like, Oh no, my shadow is here.
I must banish her. Like, no, your shadow isn't
evil, OK? Your shadow is your wound, your
protection strategies, the parts of you that you have learned to
hide, the needs that you've buried, the things that you
shame, deny, repress, pretend aren't there, right?
And sometimes the power that you were taught was too much.
It can also be really great things.
That's called the golden shadow, right?
Which we're not going to talk about today.
But shadow work is basically learning how to be with the
parts of you you've been running from without letting them
unconsciously run your life. So about fixing yourself, I
fucking hate that would be like, I just got to fix myself.
Like nothing needs to be fixed. Nothing needs to be fixed,
right? It's just about stopping the
exhausting job of performing, forming a version of you that
feels safe enough to be loved, right?
So the simplest way to understand shadow is this.
Something hurt you, You adapted, you hid that part of you, and
now that hidden part runs patterns in your adult life.
So let's say this, right? I'll give a couple of examples.
If your sensitivity was shamed, you may have now learned to be
low maintenance. If your needs were ignored,
you've now learned to be hyper independent.
If you were criticized a lot, you learn to people please.
If you were rejected, you've learned to shape shift and be a
bit of a chameleon. If your voice was shut down, you
learn to stay small. If your body was judged, you'll
learn to hide. Makes sense.
And the wounded part and the hidden part are usually the
exact same thing, right? That's the shadow.
It's just a part of you that went into hiding to what it felt
like in the moment was to survive right now.
Here's why this matters. Those parts don't disappear
because you're a grown up now. They keep running your
relationships, your confidence, your money patterns, your
boundaries, your sex life and your I know better, but I keep
doing it anyway moments because you cannot live a fully
expressed life. While 20%, thirty percent, 50
percent, 80% of you is still hiding, right?
Shadow isn't the behavior, it's what the behavior is protecting,
right? People say like, oh, my shadow
is that I people, please no people pleasing is the strategy,
right? And this is something I go into
in depth in the Connected Woman. We have a whole module on
reactivity, right? Which is the strategy that the
ego uses to protect the shadows. So the shadow is the part
underneath the strategy that believes that if they're upset
with me, I'm not safe. If I disappoint them, they'll
leave. If I'm not perfect, then I won't
be loved. So the behavior is the symptom
whilst the shadow is the root. And until you deal with the
root, you'll keep treating symptoms your whole life right?
It's like putting a Band-Aid over a broken leg is not going
to do shit right? So the only reason the shadow
work feels hard is because it asks you to do one thing that
most people avoid like the plague, which is to feel what
you've been avoiding. Not to analyze it, not to
intellectualize it, not to make a color-coded Notion page about
it or, you know, ask ChatGPT to dissect it and all of the
things, but to actually fucking feel it.
Because the shadow isn't healed by more thinking.
It's healed by awareness, compassion, truth, and new
action. So you guys have heard me say a
million times, clock it, own it, clean it up.
Awareness, compassion, truth, new action.
Is that am I right or am I right?
OK, so if you want to find your shadow in 10 seconds, let's play
a game. I want you to close your eyes,
unless you're driving, in which case keep your eyes open.
Focus on the road. Imagine you are at home hanging
out, watching Netflix, whatever, just chilling and your phone
rings and it's your bestie on the line.
She says Oh my God. And you're like what?
Tell me she's like, have you seen what people are saying
about you? I want you to just notice what
happened in your body. First off, was it like, I feel
sick to my stomach contraction getting really hot, right?
What's the first thought that hits?
What's your immediate fear? Because whatever you instantly
assume people are saying about you, that's your shadow pointing
at herself. Like, hi, baby, it's me.
Hi, right. So some examples, right?
For some people it's like, I'm embarrassing, I'm too much, I'm
not enough, I'm a fraud, I'm unlovable, I'm selfish, people
hate me, I'm cringe. I'm going to be rejected, right?
That first fear is usually that core wound.
Shadow work is not obsessing over every flaw and calling it
healing right. It's not turning your pain into
some like productivity hack where you are just like
constantly diving into your shit.
It's not becoming perfect so that you finally feel worthy.
And it sure as fuck is not weaponizing self-awareness to
just shame yourself. Shadow work is meeting the parts
of you that are scared, protective, reactive, ashamed,
controlling, avoidant, yada yada yada and then leading them
instead of letting them lead you Right.
So it's not I am broken, it's a part of me.
Learned this and I can unlearn it because this puts the power
back in your hands versus like just you know, this is how I am.
I'm just living my life idly. No, like don't disempower
yourself. OK, so I'm going to give you a
four step beginner shadow work process that is simple but super
fucking powerful. If you're listening to this
thinking, why does it sound like she's literally in my head, Then
it is time that you joined the connected woman.
This is the work that completely rewires how you show up in your
love life. If you're in a relationship,
this is how you stop repeating the same patterns over and over
again. You stop lashing out, you stop
shutting down, and you turn things around to the point where
your partner actually falls in love with you all over again.
And if you're single, this is how you stop choosing the same
person in a different body and actually attract someone who is
emotionally available, ready, is obsessed with you, and can meet
you from the very beginning. This is the end of I know
better, but I don't do better. This is the point where these
patterns are stopped for good. If you know you're ready for
this work, you know what to do. The link will be in the
description. Join the connected woman today.
Let's get back to the episode. So step one is tracking your
triggers. It might not be these massive
big dramatic moments, but it actually might be the sneaky
ones that flip your nervous system in two seconds, right?
Like when someone doesn't reply and you instantly feel sick.
Or when someone's just says like, K, and you're like, cool,
cool, cool, cool, cool, I'm gonna die, right?
Or, you know, when someone says, hey, can we have a chat later,
right? Or when someone gives you a
certain look or they have a certain tone and then you feel
judged. Or when you see someone else
winning and then you feel jealous or inferior or when your
partner is quiet and you start making up an entire movie in
your head about what is going on for him and how blah, blah,
blah, right? So a trigger is basically an
overreaction in the present because an old wound got
touched, right? So if you remember when I was
talking about, I think it was, did I say it in this episode?
God, I'm on one. Did I say in this episode or the
last episode, I was talking about how I've got a bruise on
my leg, right? And it's like when you have a
trigger, if my other leg, I can squeeze my leg, right, right.
And it doesn't hurt. But if I just lightly graze over
my bruise, I'm like, ow, right. So that's the thing.
It's like an overreaction to the present because an old wound got
touched. So when you start noticing, when
you tense, when you want to hide, when you get defensive,
when you shut down, when you people please, when you over
explain because that's the shadow activation.
It's not your personality, which is what most people say.
Oh, that's just what I do. That's who I am, right?
No, it's an activation. It's a pattern.
OK, So I want you to start tracking your triggers.
Step 2 is naming the story, which is the part that most
people skip. So you have to catch the belief
underneath the trigger by asking what story just switched on in
my head right? What am I making this mean about
me and what am I afraid that this proves?
So again, it could be things like I'm not important, I'm
going to be rejected, I'm too much, I'm annoying, I'm not
chosen, I always get left, I'm unlovable, I'm behind, I'm not
safe, right? That story is, is the wound
talking. So start to unpack what am I
making this mean about me, right?
And then Step 3 is not just fixing it, but sitting with it
because your ego is going to want to justify, defend, explain
Nam distract spiral. People, please deflect, control,
all the things right? But shadow work is learning to
say, OK baby, I see you not shut the fuck up.
Not this stupid, not I shouldn't feel this, but hi, there you
are. Hello darkness, my old friend.
Right. OK, so when you stop resisting,
a part of you, it stops screaming.
And this is the moment you become the leader, right?
What you resist persists. So this isn't about trying to
make the feeling disappear. You're teaching your system that
this feeling can exist without running the show.
This is a very different approach to like love and light,
which is like just like affirmations and all the things
that gets very different. It's actually going into the
feeling so that you can alchemize it and it becomes
something else. So Step 4 is integration through
action, which is where healing becomes real, because you don't
heal by understanding your shadow.
I'll say it in every fucking episode until I die.
I swear to God. Understanding is not enough,
awareness is not enough. If awareness was enough, you
would not be listening to this and you would have the perfect
life. OK, so you don't heal by
understanding your shadow, you heal by stopping your behavior
from reinforcing the old story. So you ask what the old you
would do right now, and then you ask what would the however you
want to phrase it. What would the connected version
of me do? What would the self LED version
of me do? What would the woman who
respects herself do right and do that instead?
So old you stays quiet to avoid being judged, but new you speaks
up anyway. Right old you may people please
to keep the peace, whereas new you might hold the boundary.
Old you numbs out when you feel overwhelmed.
New you feels it, breathes, moves her body, asks for
support. I don't know, right old you
chases validation. New you validates yourself.
Old you shrinks so fucking you know, like easily so that she's
like, I'm so easy to love. No, you takes up space and lets
people rise to meet her right? So that hidden part comes back
online when you become her again.
So if you hid your voice, use it.
If you hid your needs, express them.
If you had your sensuality, reclaim it.
If you hid your ambition and your drive, fucking go for it,
right? Not perfectly, but consistently.
Because your nervous system learns safety through
repetition. And this matters so much for
your relationships. Because shadow work is the
difference between why do I keep choosing emotionally unavailable
people and I keep recreating my wound because it's familiar.
It's the difference between why do I sabotage when things get
good and a part of me believes that good things aren't safe, or
when I experience good things, bad things happen.
It's the difference between why do I lose myself in
relationships and oh, I learned to abandon myself to keep
others. So there's a big distinction
between all of these things. So we need to learn to ask
ourselves better questions. And this is learned through
shadow work. And this is the exact things
that we dive into inside the Connected Woman.
So if you've ever thought I'm self aware, but I still feel
stuck or I know the pattern but I keep doing it or I've done all
the fucking healing work, I've done therapy, all the things,
but my relationship triggers still own me.
This is a sign that you are ready for deeper work.
OK? Because the Connected Woman is
shadow work for your love life. And I will say that you can also
apply it to any area of your life.
Yeah, this isn't some fluffy shit or like just communicate
better. It's understanding why you react
the way way that you do, where it comes from.
And that's all well and good, but then how to actually change
it at the root. OK, so The Connected Woman
starts in February 2026. And if you are ready to stop
being run by parts of you that learned survival and start being
led by the version of you who actually feels secure, you know
what to do. The link will be in the
description and I can't wait to welcome you inside.
All right, guys, thanks for hanging out with me today.
I love you and I'll see you next week.
All right, my love, let what landed today actually land
because this podcast is not just here to inspire you.
It is here to change you, your standards, your patterns, your
life. And if you are done living on
autopilot, you're done shrinking.
You're done repeating the same fucking shit over and over.
Let this be your reminder. You are built for more.
Unfucking your life is a choice you make every single day.
And if you want to go deeper, come hang out with me on
Instagram at Michelle Panning because that is where I share
all of the raw stuff, the real time shifts that I'm having in
my life and everything that I am doing to raise my own standards
to in life and in love. I love you.
I believe in your next level. Go unfuck your life, babe.