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Welcome to the Unfuck Your 
Relationships podcast, the show 

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where we are no longer just 
unfucking your love life, we are

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unfucking your entire life. 
Because around here, we raise 

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standards, we break patterns, we
do the shadow work, we upgrade 

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yourself concept, your 
boundaries, your confidence, 

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your relationships, your health,
your Bunny, all of it. 

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There is no fluff here. 
There's no pretending, there's 

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no performing. 
Just radical, sometimes brutal 

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honesty, truth telling, and the 
kind of big sister best friend 

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energy that calls you the fuck 
forward. 

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So if you are ready to stop 
settling for the bare minimum 

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and you are finally ready to 
become the woman that you are so

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proud to wake up as in the 
morning, you are in the right 

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place. 
So let's unfuck your life one 

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episode at a time. 
All right, now let's get into 

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today's episode. 
Hello, my loves. 

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Welcome back to the Unfuck Your 
Relationships podcast. 

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I'm your host, Michelle Panning,
and I am so excited to get into 

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today's episode. 
So let's talk about something I 

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know a lot of you are secretly 
obsessed with but don't want to 

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admit out loud. 
What actually happens when an 

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avoidant realizes they've lost 
you? 

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Not how do I make him come back?
Not how long until he regrets 

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it? 
Not what can I post on Instagram

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that lives rent free in his 
head? 

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OK, guys, we need to chill. 
Yeah, this episode is not here 

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to help you manipulate anyone. 
If you've been with me for a 

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while, you know that's not what 
I'm about. 

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I'm about staying true to 
yourself and all of the things, 

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right? 
This episode is here to help you

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understand the dynamic so you 
can stop fucking yourself over 

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in it. 
OK? 

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Because here's the thing that no
one tells you. 

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An avoidant missing you does not
automatically mean that they 

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have had an epiphany and have 
grown. 

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Regret does not equal readiness.
And just because someone 

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realizes they've lost you 
doesn't mean that they are 

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suddenly capable of loving you 
properly. 

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And if that stings a bit, good, 
Stay with me my babe. 

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OK, 1st we need to get something
really clear. 

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Avoidance. 
Do not experience breakups the 

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same way that anxious or even 
secure people do, right? 

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Anxious attachment fears 
abandonment. 

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Avoid an attachment fears 
dependence. 

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OK, listen to that again. 
Anxious attachment fears 

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abandonment, but avoid an 
attachment fears dependence. 

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They are not terrified of being 
left. 

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They are terrified of needing, 
needing someone, having to rely 

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on someone, being emotionally 
impacted by someone because on a

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nervous system level, closeness 
equals danger. 

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So when you're in the 
relationship, intimacy doesn't 

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feel like safety to them. 
It feels like pressure, it feels

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like obligation. 
It feels like a loss of autonomy

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and freedom and and sovereignty.
Right. 

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Like fuck, I'm going to 
disappear if I stay here in this

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relationship. 
And that's why an avoidant will 

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pull away. 
Not because you're crazy or not 

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because you're too much. 
Not because you asked for 

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probably the bare fucking 
minimum given the conversations 

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I'm having in my DMS, but 
because closeness activates an 

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avoidance. 
Deepest wound, right? 

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This is the part that messes 
with your head the most, because

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you leave the relationship or 
they leave and suddenly they 

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look fine, right? 
They're calm, they're posting, 

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they're training, they're 
working, maybe they're dating, 

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they're living their best 
fucking life and you're at home 

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being like, did I hallucinate 
this entire relationship? 

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Like what the fuck is going on? 
How am I sitting here at home 

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devastated about the 
relationship ending and this 

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mother fucker is out there 
living their best life? 

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No, that's not what's happening 
right? 

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What's happening is this. 
In the relationship avoidance 

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are experiencing feelings and 
fear at the same time. 

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So they might care deeply about 
you. 

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I'm sure that they do, but the 
fear is actually louder. 

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So when the relationship ends, 
the fear shuts off 1st. 

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And when the fear shuts off, 
their nervous system feels 

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relief. 
Not grief, not sadness, not Oh 

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my God I miss them so much. 
I want them back relief. 

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And I know that can be a tough 
pill to swallow, right? 

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And because avoidance, like they
can often seem unbothered at 

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1st. 
And This is why I see so many 

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women like breaking their own 
hearts by telling themselves, 

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see, I mean nothing. 
The relationship meant nothing. 

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That's not true. 
You didn't mean nothing. 

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Their defenses were just doing 
exactly what they were trained 

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to do. 
Right. 

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This is the phase where 
avoidance convinced themselves 

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I'm fucking thriving. 
So it's not that they're even 

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putting on a facade of living 
their best life like they 

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actually are because they feel 
relief, right? 

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So they'll distract, they numb, 
they hyper focus on 

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independence. 
They tell themselves stories 

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like it wouldn't have worked 
anyway, or she was too 

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emotional, or I just need space 
or I need to focus on myself at 

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the moment or I'm better off 
alone. 

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Whatever it is, right? 
And here's the important part. 

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That's not clarity. 
It's actually just self 

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protection. 
If you're listening to this 

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thinking, why does it sound 
she's literally in my head, then

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it is time that you joined the 
connected woman. 

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This is the work that completely
rewires how you show up in your 

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love life. 
If you're in a relationship, 

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this is how you stop repeating 
the same patterns over and over 

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again. 
You stop lashing out, you stop 

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shutting down, and you turn 
things around to the point where

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your partner actually falls in 
love with you all over again. 

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And if you're single, this is 
how you stop choosing the same 

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person in a different body and 
actually attract someone who is 

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emotionally available. 
Everybody is obsessed with you 

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and can meet you from the very 
beginning. 

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This is the end of I know 
better, but I don't do better. 

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This is the point where these 
patterns are stopped for good. 

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If you know you're ready for 
this work, you know what to do. 

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The link will be in the 
description. 

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Join the connected woman today. 
Let's get back to the episode. 

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So they're not actually taking 
the time to process the loss. 

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They are avoiding the loss. 
And meanwhile you are feeling 

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everything. 
You're feeling enough for both 

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of you, right? 
You're grieving, you're 

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questioning yourself, you're 
replaying conversations, you're 

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rereading texts. 
You're wondering what you did 

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wrong. 
And this is where the power 

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imbalance feels fucking brutal. 
And I remember when I was like 

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hardcore anxious attachment, I 
used to say, gosh, I think 

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avoidance have it so much 
easier, right? 

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Because they have this ability 
to just like fully detach. 

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And at that time I was like, 
couldn't relate, right? 

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But that's not necessarily true.
And having experienced the other

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side of this, the avoidance and 
feeling, you know, like what it 

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feels like to be engulfed in a 
relationship, it's equally 

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challenging to lean into the 
relationship. 

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OK, so again, that's where the 
the power imbalance feels 

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brutal, But stay with me here. 
Avoidance can only numb for so 

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long. 
Yeah, eventually the 

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distractions stop working. 
The dopamine wears off, the 

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silence gets real fucking loud. 
And then usually maybe it's 

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months later. 
Who knows? 

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Something changes. 
And then they start missing the 

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emotional safety, the 
consistency, the way that you 

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grounded them, the way you 
showed up. 

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They don't miss the conflict. 
They don't miss your needs. 

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They don't miss the 
conversations that they were 

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avoiding. 
They miss the regulation that 

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you provided their nervous 
system. 

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And so this is the moment where 
they go, oh, fuck, right. 

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And this is when the loss 
actually hits them. 

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Not when you left, not when you 
cried, not when you begged, but 

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when life feels emptier without 
you. 

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So listen to me very carefully. 
This moment when an avoidant 

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realizes they've lost you is the
moment a lot of women 

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romanticize because it feels 
like justice, validation, proof 

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that you mattered. 
But this is the the hard truth, 

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right? 
Realizing that they lost you 

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does not mean that they can now 
love you. 

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Missing you does not mean that 
they have healed. 

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Regret does not equal emotional 
availability and most avoidance 

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don't reach out properly at this
point, and if they do it's often

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messy as fuck. 
Right. 

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It's a hey how are you, how are 
things, how you been? 

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It's a fucking meme. 
It's a random check in. 

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It's a little breadcrumb to 1 
assess. 

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Like are you even open to me 
coming back? 

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I want to know, right? 
And it's a breadcrumb that sends

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you fucking spiraling. 
And this isn't because they 

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don't care, right? 
But because vulnerability still 

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feels like danger. 
So they hover, they test, they 

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lurk and just do fucking weird 
shit. 

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They start watching your stories
or whatever it is. 

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And this is where women get 
pulled into the same fucking 

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cycle. 
This is a fantasy I just, I see 

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destroy so many powerful, 
strong, beautiful women, right? 

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If I just wait, he will realize.
They'll have an epiphany. 

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They'll come back. 
If if they miss me enough, 

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they'll change. 
If he comes back, it means that 

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we're meant to be No bitch. 
No, what it usually means is he 

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misses the way you made him 
feel. 

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It's not that he's learned how 
to show up differently. 

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And unless there has been real 
embodied work done, the dynamic 

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doesn't magically transform. 
It just resets and then 

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collapses again. 
And I've seen this so many times

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where women are like, well, you 
know, we miss each other, so 

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we're going to get back into a 
relationship. 

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I'm great. 
What work have you done? 

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What work has he done? 
The things that were a problem 

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in the relationship, How are 
they not a problem now? 

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Have you guys had conversations 
about how you're going to 

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mitigate that in the future? 
No, but I can just feel that 

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this time is different. 
It isn't. 

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And you're just moving purely 
off your emotions. 

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So here's the shift that 
actually changes your life. 

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Instead of asking when will he 
realize he lost me, start 

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asking. 
Why did I stay in a relationship

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where I felt lonely all the 
time? 

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Why did I accept inconsistency 
as my normal every day? 

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Why did I confuse chemistry with
safety? 

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Because the truth is, the 
relationship didn't end because 

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you weren't enough. 
It ended because you were more 

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available than the dynamic could
actually hold. 

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So the real win is not them 
coming back. 

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The real win is you no longer 
needing them to let that land. 

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The real win is not them coming 
back. 

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The real win is you not needing 
them to come back. 

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And this is exactly the work we 
do inside the connected woman. 

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Not how to get him back, but how
to stop being magnetized to 

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emotionally unavailable 
partners. 

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Right. 
It's about how to feel secure 

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without chasing. 
How to build self earth that 

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doesn't collapse when someone 
pulls away. 

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So the connected woman is where 
we really dismantle these 

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patterns at the root, not just 
intellectually, but in your 

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body, because that's where this 
shit lives, right? 

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On a somatic nervous system 
level, in your emotions, all of 

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those things so that you don't 
just know better, but you 

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actually do better. 
Because I want you to have the 

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relationship of your dreams, 
whether it's with your current 

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partner, or maybe it's your ex 
partner, or maybe it's just a 

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future partner in the future. 
I want you to have exactly what 

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you want, OK? 
And that looks like you needing 

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to rewire your own pattern so 
this shit stops happening. 

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We don't want to be sitting 
there idly waiting for a man or 

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whoever to come back and finally
choose us. 

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You want someone to choose you 
choose your God damn self. 

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OK, so if this episode felt like
I was reading your journal, 

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good. 
That's your sign. 

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I love you. 
Yeah. 

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The connected woman is going to 
start in February. 

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And if you're done repeating the
cycle, you're done analyzing 

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your partner instead of choosing
yourself. 

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You're done calling bread 
crumbs. 

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Connection. 
This is your next move. 

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Yeah. 
You don't need to wait for 

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someone to realize that they've 
lost you. 

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You get to realize you are 
always the damn prize. 

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All right guys, thank you for 
hanging out with me today. 

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I love you and I will see you 
next week. 

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All right, my love, let what 
landed today actually land. 

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Because this podcast is not just
here to inspire you. 

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It is here to change you, your 
standards, your patterns, your 

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life. 
And if you are done living on 

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autopilot, you're done 
shrinking. 

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You're done repeating the same 
fucking shit over and over. 

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Let this be your reminder. 
You are built for more. 

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Unfucking your life is a choice 
you make every single day. 

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And if you want to go deeper, 
come hang out with me on 

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Instagram at Michelle Panning 
because that is where I share 

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all of the raw stuff, the real 
time shifts that I'm having in 

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my life and everything that I am
doing to raise my own standards 

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to in life and in love. 
I love you. 

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I believe in your next level. 
Go unfuck your life, babe.