Welcome to the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast, the show
where we are no longer just unfucking your love life, we are
unfucking your entire life. Because around here, we raise
standards, we break patterns, we do the shadow work, we upgrade
yourself concept, your boundaries, your confidence,
your relationships, your health, your Bunny, all of it.
There is no fluff here. There's no pretending, there's
no performing. Just radical, sometimes brutal
honesty, truth telling, and the kind of big sister best friend
energy that calls you the fuck forward.
So if you are ready to stop settling for the bare minimum
and you are finally ready to become the woman that you are so
proud to wake up as in the morning, you are in the right
place. So let's unfuck your life one
episode at a time. All right, now let's get into
today's episode. Hello, my loves.
Welcome back to the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast.
I'm your host, Michelle Panning, and I am so excited to get into
today's episode. So let's talk about something I
know a lot of you are secretly obsessed with but don't want to
admit out loud. What actually happens when an
avoidant realizes they've lost you?
Not how do I make him come back? Not how long until he regrets
it? Not what can I post on Instagram
that lives rent free in his head?
OK, guys, we need to chill. Yeah, this episode is not here
to help you manipulate anyone. If you've been with me for a
while, you know that's not what I'm about.
I'm about staying true to yourself and all of the things,
right? This episode is here to help you
understand the dynamic so you can stop fucking yourself over
in it. OK?
Because here's the thing that no one tells you.
An avoidant missing you does not automatically mean that they
have had an epiphany and have grown.
Regret does not equal readiness. And just because someone
realizes they've lost you doesn't mean that they are
suddenly capable of loving you properly.
And if that stings a bit, good, Stay with me my babe.
OK, 1st we need to get something really clear.
Avoidance. Do not experience breakups the
same way that anxious or even secure people do, right?
Anxious attachment fears abandonment.
Avoid an attachment fears dependence.
OK, listen to that again. Anxious attachment fears
abandonment, but avoid an attachment fears dependence.
They are not terrified of being left.
They are terrified of needing, needing someone, having to rely
on someone, being emotionally impacted by someone because on a
nervous system level, closeness equals danger.
So when you're in the relationship, intimacy doesn't
feel like safety to them. It feels like pressure, it feels
like obligation. It feels like a loss of autonomy
and freedom and and sovereignty. Right.
Like fuck, I'm going to disappear if I stay here in this
relationship. And that's why an avoidant will
pull away. Not because you're crazy or not
because you're too much. Not because you asked for
probably the bare fucking minimum given the conversations
I'm having in my DMS, but because closeness activates an
avoidance. Deepest wound, right?
This is the part that messes with your head the most, because
you leave the relationship or they leave and suddenly they
look fine, right? They're calm, they're posting,
they're training, they're working, maybe they're dating,
they're living their best fucking life and you're at home
being like, did I hallucinate this entire relationship?
Like what the fuck is going on? How am I sitting here at home
devastated about the relationship ending and this
mother fucker is out there living their best life?
No, that's not what's happening right?
What's happening is this. In the relationship avoidance
are experiencing feelings and fear at the same time.
So they might care deeply about you.
I'm sure that they do, but the fear is actually louder.
So when the relationship ends, the fear shuts off 1st.
And when the fear shuts off, their nervous system feels
relief. Not grief, not sadness, not Oh
my God I miss them so much. I want them back relief.
And I know that can be a tough pill to swallow, right?
And because avoidance, like they can often seem unbothered at
1st. And This is why I see so many
women like breaking their own hearts by telling themselves,
see, I mean nothing. The relationship meant nothing.
That's not true. You didn't mean nothing.
Their defenses were just doing exactly what they were trained
to do. Right.
This is the phase where avoidance convinced themselves
I'm fucking thriving. So it's not that they're even
putting on a facade of living their best life like they
actually are because they feel relief, right?
So they'll distract, they numb, they hyper focus on
independence. They tell themselves stories
like it wouldn't have worked anyway, or she was too
emotional, or I just need space or I need to focus on myself at
the moment or I'm better off alone.
Whatever it is, right? And here's the important part.
That's not clarity. It's actually just self
protection. If you're listening to this
thinking, why does it sound she's literally in my head, then
it is time that you joined the connected woman.
This is the work that completely rewires how you show up in your
love life. If you're in a relationship,
this is how you stop repeating the same patterns over and over
again. You stop lashing out, you stop
shutting down, and you turn things around to the point where
your partner actually falls in love with you all over again.
And if you're single, this is how you stop choosing the same
person in a different body and actually attract someone who is
emotionally available. Everybody is obsessed with you
and can meet you from the very beginning.
This is the end of I know better, but I don't do better.
This is the point where these patterns are stopped for good.
If you know you're ready for this work, you know what to do.
The link will be in the description.
Join the connected woman today. Let's get back to the episode.
So they're not actually taking the time to process the loss.
They are avoiding the loss. And meanwhile you are feeling
everything. You're feeling enough for both
of you, right? You're grieving, you're
questioning yourself, you're replaying conversations, you're
rereading texts. You're wondering what you did
wrong. And this is where the power
imbalance feels fucking brutal. And I remember when I was like
hardcore anxious attachment, I used to say, gosh, I think
avoidance have it so much easier, right?
Because they have this ability to just like fully detach.
And at that time I was like, couldn't relate, right?
But that's not necessarily true. And having experienced the other
side of this, the avoidance and feeling, you know, like what it
feels like to be engulfed in a relationship, it's equally
challenging to lean into the relationship.
OK, so again, that's where the the power imbalance feels
brutal, But stay with me here. Avoidance can only numb for so
long. Yeah, eventually the
distractions stop working. The dopamine wears off, the
silence gets real fucking loud. And then usually maybe it's
months later. Who knows?
Something changes. And then they start missing the
emotional safety, the consistency, the way that you
grounded them, the way you showed up.
They don't miss the conflict. They don't miss your needs.
They don't miss the conversations that they were
avoiding. They miss the regulation that
you provided their nervous system.
And so this is the moment where they go, oh, fuck, right.
And this is when the loss actually hits them.
Not when you left, not when you cried, not when you begged, but
when life feels emptier without you.
So listen to me very carefully. This moment when an avoidant
realizes they've lost you is the moment a lot of women
romanticize because it feels like justice, validation, proof
that you mattered. But this is the the hard truth,
right? Realizing that they lost you
does not mean that they can now love you.
Missing you does not mean that they have healed.
Regret does not equal emotional availability and most avoidance
don't reach out properly at this point, and if they do it's often
messy as fuck. Right.
It's a hey how are you, how are things, how you been?
It's a fucking meme. It's a random check in.
It's a little breadcrumb to 1 assess.
Like are you even open to me coming back?
I want to know, right? And it's a breadcrumb that sends
you fucking spiraling. And this isn't because they
don't care, right? But because vulnerability still
feels like danger. So they hover, they test, they
lurk and just do fucking weird shit.
They start watching your stories or whatever it is.
And this is where women get pulled into the same fucking
cycle. This is a fantasy I just, I see
destroy so many powerful, strong, beautiful women, right?
If I just wait, he will realize. They'll have an epiphany.
They'll come back. If if they miss me enough,
they'll change. If he comes back, it means that
we're meant to be No bitch. No, what it usually means is he
misses the way you made him feel.
It's not that he's learned how to show up differently.
And unless there has been real embodied work done, the dynamic
doesn't magically transform. It just resets and then
collapses again. And I've seen this so many times
where women are like, well, you know, we miss each other, so
we're going to get back into a relationship.
I'm great. What work have you done?
What work has he done? The things that were a problem
in the relationship, How are they not a problem now?
Have you guys had conversations about how you're going to
mitigate that in the future? No, but I can just feel that
this time is different. It isn't.
And you're just moving purely off your emotions.
So here's the shift that actually changes your life.
Instead of asking when will he realize he lost me, start
asking. Why did I stay in a relationship
where I felt lonely all the time?
Why did I accept inconsistency as my normal every day?
Why did I confuse chemistry with safety?
Because the truth is, the relationship didn't end because
you weren't enough. It ended because you were more
available than the dynamic could actually hold.
So the real win is not them coming back.
The real win is you no longer needing them to let that land.
The real win is not them coming back.
The real win is you not needing them to come back.
And this is exactly the work we do inside the connected woman.
Not how to get him back, but how to stop being magnetized to
emotionally unavailable partners.
Right. It's about how to feel secure
without chasing. How to build self earth that
doesn't collapse when someone pulls away.
So the connected woman is where we really dismantle these
patterns at the root, not just intellectually, but in your
body, because that's where this shit lives, right?
On a somatic nervous system level, in your emotions, all of
those things so that you don't just know better, but you
actually do better. Because I want you to have the
relationship of your dreams, whether it's with your current
partner, or maybe it's your ex partner, or maybe it's just a
future partner in the future. I want you to have exactly what
you want, OK? And that looks like you needing
to rewire your own pattern so this shit stops happening.
We don't want to be sitting there idly waiting for a man or
whoever to come back and finally choose us.
You want someone to choose you choose your God damn self.
OK, so if this episode felt like I was reading your journal,
good. That's your sign.
I love you. Yeah.
The connected woman is going to start in February.
And if you're done repeating the cycle, you're done analyzing
your partner instead of choosing yourself.
You're done calling bread crumbs.
Connection. This is your next move.
Yeah. You don't need to wait for
someone to realize that they've lost you.
You get to realize you are always the damn prize.
All right guys, thank you for hanging out with me today.
I love you and I will see you next week.
All right, my love, let what landed today actually land.
Because this podcast is not just here to inspire you.
It is here to change you, your standards, your patterns, your
life. And if you are done living on
autopilot, you're done shrinking.
You're done repeating the same fucking shit over and over.
Let this be your reminder. You are built for more.
Unfucking your life is a choice you make every single day.
And if you want to go deeper, come hang out with me on
Instagram at Michelle Panning because that is where I share
all of the raw stuff, the real time shifts that I'm having in
my life and everything that I am doing to raise my own standards
to in life and in love. I love you.
I believe in your next level. Go unfuck your life, babe.