Welcome to the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast.
I'm Michelle Panning, your host intimacy alchemist, Trigger
Queen and founder of The Connected Woman AKA your new go
to bestie for all things love, sex and relationships that won't
blow total smoke up your ass. I believe you deserve to have it
all, to feel worthy, confident, and have a fulfilling as fuck
love life. In this podcast, we're dropping
the insecurity and doubt so that you can transform into the
powerful, confident, and secure woman you know you're destined
to be. So grab your favorite glass of
wine and let's get to work, because it's time to reclaim
yourself worth, baby. Hello, hello, hello, and welcome
back to another episode of the Unfuck Your Relationships
podcast. If you're new here, I'm
Michelle. I'm so excited to have you here.
I have been through a journey over the past couple of weeks
and I'm still journeying it myself.
But I kind of wanted to share with you a little bit about
what's going on and the level of trust and truth that I am
dropping into. Because I really see this as
being valuable for not only just your dating and your
relationship and your love life, but your entire life.
And it's this piece of like, I know I've said this before on
the podcast, but it's actually landing on a whole new level.
And it's this piece of you can't fuck it up.
You cannot fuck it up if you just take a second right now and
you close your eyes, if that's available to you right now.
Otherwise, just imagine like, close your eyes, take a couple
deep breaths. And feel the level of freedom
that happens that has created the spaciousness in your body
when you feel that you actually cannot mess anything up.
That every decision you make is right and perfect and holy and
good, even if it seems like the wrong decision in the moment,
right? And what I'm tapping into at the
moment is complete fearlessness. Now, am I at the point where I
have No Fear about anything? No, I definitely still have
fear. But it's this journey of not
caring, not caring about the fear because so often right?
Like I remember being on dates and just being like, I hope he
likes me. I hope I say the right thing.
I'm sure you can resonate, right?
If you're actively dating at the moment or you remember back to
when you were dating, like God, it could be anxiety inducing.
You know, it can be really scary and sitting on the other end of
that table if you're going for drinks or dinner or whatever and
feeling fear around it or, you know, things aren't going well
in a relationship and you're afraid to say the thing.
You're afraid to say I need this.
Or, you know, even deeper than that, it's I'm afraid to know
the truth. And yes, sometimes we're afraid.
You know, a lot of times we're afraid to know the truth from
someone else, right? It's like we actually don't want
to ask, do you like me? Do you want to be in a
relationship with me? What are we?
Do you see us getting married? Do you see us having children?
Right. We don't want to ask those
questions because we're afraid of the truth, you know, in
whatever that means, the obvious answer, right?
Yeah, We, we can be afraid of the truth of like, no, I don't
want to get married to you, right?
That's that can be a scary truth.
But on the other end of that, you know what if they say
actually, I do what comes up for you around that?
Is there a truth there? And I think that can be the
scarier truth that we avoid is when we lie to ourselves and we
don't tell ourselves the truth, right?
When we go, I don't think I want to get married or I don't think
I want children, or we're with someone who doesn't want
children and we go, actually, I think I do want children.
But I'm going to ignore that that truth because that scares
me, right? And for anyone who doesn't know,
I studied under Layla Martin and she recently posted a video on
her YouTube channel about her and her partner who are going
through a conscious uncoupling right now.
They've been together for eight years.
And like, I don't know them personally.
Like she was, she was my teacher, but that was the
capacity that I knew her in. She was, I didn't really know
her personally, but I really admired their relationship.
And so it was, it came as to me quite a shock that they were
ending things. And I think they're, you know,
handling it really beautifully. But something that she said in
that video really stood out to me, which was, you know, she,
she said that her and her partner had done so much work,
so many coaches, so many healing modalities and therapies.
And, you know, all the things she's a, she's a Tantra teacher,
right? Like, I studied under her for
Tantra and she has all these ways of dealing with things her
and her partner do. And she said there was just, we
have a great relationship, it's wonderful.
We love each other so much, we get along so well, we have so
much fun together, the sex is great, whatever.
But there was just something that wasn't true.
And there's no tool in the world that can make the untrue true.
And that sentence really stood out to me because I was like,
you are so right. Where are you lying to yourself
about what is true? So this could look a bunch of
different ways, right? This could look like you're in a
relationship and you know that even though it's great that
something's missing, that you actually have a taste, you
actually have a desire for something else.
Maybe it's not even for something more, but it's for
something else, right? You're stuck in a job that
you're like, it pays so well. I'm doing so well, but this
isn't what I want to do. You're living in a country or a
state that you don't want to live in, right?
Or it can look like, you know, denying someone, you've gone on
a couple dates with someone and you're like, Nah, Nah, Nah, Nah.
It's not a good fit. Not a good fit when like
actually, the truth of you knows that it actually is a good fit.
But you don't want to admit that to yourself because they might
not be the picture of the person that you had always desired, you
know, like the Disney Princess kind of fairy tale.
And I think what makes relationships so beautiful and
messy and chaotic and perfect is the capacity to actually say the
thing, to say the truth. And I'm working with one of my
mentors, Alejandra, right now. She's been my, I mean, I've
worked with her off and on since we started this, you know, since
I started getting into this maybe three years ago.
And it's like sometimes your truth is silence, which is what
she said. You know, sometimes your truth
is silence and deciphering that for yourself when having these
conversations with with partners or with people you're dating or
whoever even, you know, friendships, whatever.
It's like sometimes you need to just shut up.
I know for me it's like, yeah, sometimes I need to shut up.
But I thought I would share an experience and I actually asked
my partner Joel, if I could share this because I just, I
wanted to check in to see if if he was OK with this.
But you know, we had a conversation.
And this is like, I, I share this because this is the fucking
reality of life and relationships.
And I feel that no one shares this part, especially on
podcasts and Instagrams. And if you are any sort of
dating, love, manifestation, relationship coach, mentor,
whatever you want to call it, like this part is not shared.
OK, so Joel and I had a conversation a few weeks ago
where I don't even know how it got brought up, but I said
something or he said something. And then I think one of us said,
I think I said, well, maybe we're not right for each other.
And it wasn't in the past. Full transparency.
In the past, I have said things like that to partners as a way
of like, oh, well, maybe we're not right for each other as a
test of like, you know, prove me wrong, fight for me, tell, tell
me why we are meant for each other.
And this wasn't that. This was a full surrender
actually, to the moment of well, maybe we are genuinely not right
for each other. And his response was maybe we're
not. And there was no kicking or
screaming or tantruming or begging or pleading from anyone.
It was actually just the full acceptance of the truth of that
moment. And in all honesty, as much as I
say, and you know, if you've done any of my programs or you,
you are familiar with my work. Like I love men so deeply.
And I still have my own shit. I still have my own wounds.
And I spent a lot of my relationship with Joel Wolf with
any partner actually trying to control them and trying to make
them into someone other than they are.
Like I spent the the majority of my relationship with Joel trying
to get him to be what I wanted him to be, which was, you know,
spiritual and doing all this earth work and doing personal
development. And you know, the perfect idea
of what I see on couples on Instagram.
And the more I felt into it, right?
Because we had that conversation of like, OK, well, maybe we
aren't right for each other, but both of us, it wasn't even a
conscious decision. We just kind of left it as well.
Let's just be present. Let's actually not make a
decision. Let's not make a decision to
stay and work on it, quote, UN quote, work on it.
And let's not make a decision to call it quits and leave.
Let's just actually make a decision to be in the truth, in
the truth of every moment. And it's only been a few weeks
since then, but I can say something incredible has opened
in our relationship of saying the truth in every moment.
Because love is not control. Love is not control.
Love is allowing someone to be who they are in every moment.
And you can also have impeccable standards and have boundaries
and know what you want and what you don't want.
And if someone does not want to provide that or meet that
standard, then it's your decision to be to to know that
truth, to recognize that truth and to walk away from that.
But for me right now, it feels like a choice every day of like,
what's my truth right now? And it's been, yes, I want to be
here. And I invite the same for him.
You know, it's like, whoa, hey, baby, what's your truth?
It's like, yeah, I want to be here today.
And, you know, in the past, that has felt like the most
terrifying place to be. And you may be listening to this
going. What the fuck?
I don't want to do that because a lot of us get into committed
relationships and marriage because we want the safety of
you're never leaving. I want you to commit and stay
committed. And often times, if you're
really honest with yourself, and I know this is how I was, it was
like, I actually don't even give a shit if you want to be here.
I don't care if this is your truth because my truth is I want
to be in a relationship and that's not love, right?
Love is like the the freedom for us to just be in every moment
without trying to force or control.
And the amount of freedom that I personally feel in the past
couple of weeks in this like you do you and I'm going to do me.
And it's not in a way, it's not in a passive way.
If I don't give a shit about you, It's actually the complete
opposite. It's I care about you so deeply
that I don't want you to ever do anything that you don't want to
do. I want you to be in your truth.
I want you to do what makes you happy.
Yeah. And so when you come from that
place, you know that it's always this or something better, right?
It's always this or something better.
And so scarcity just dissolves. It's not a, you know, OK, do all
the mindset work and do all the healing.
It's like it just dissolves because it's not a thing
anymore. It's like, well, I know that
it's always this. There's something better.
And when I follow my truth, my truth and my desires will never,
ever, ever lead me astray. Yeah, take a deep breath if
you're listening to this, like I invite you to be in your truth,
right? And that means for everything,
if it's something I'm saying or another coach is saying or
another mentor or a guru or your mother or your partner or your
child or a teacher, whoever, take what they're saying, try it
on and ask yourself, does this feel true for me?
And if it doesn't feel true, then leave it.
Yeah. Just because someone says
something doesn't mean it's the truth.
Like you get to play in the realm of making your own rules,
which is so exciting. So.
Yeah, I feel this immense freedom in my body and I, and I
know that for me personally, I'm at the edge, you know, like the
tip of the iceberg. So I invite you to just feel
into this and feel what that could feel like if you lived in
your truth and start to ask yourself, what is my truth?
Because a lot of us don't even know, right?
Because it's clouded and shadow and conditioning and patriarchal
society views like all of these things.
And it's like, what's what's the truth?
You know, what's the truth? What does a successful
relationship mean to me? What does love mean to me?
Maybe I'll talk about that in the next episode, but for now, I
feel complete with that. So I'm going to leave that
there. I hope you've enjoyed this.
If you have, take a screenshot of it, tag me on Instagram, post
it on your stories. I'd love to hear from you.
I'd love to connect for it with you.
Just feel the freedom of being in truth in every moment.
I love you lots and I'll see you in the next episode.
Thank you so much for tuning in to the UN Fuck Your
Relationships podcast. I hope that this episode has
helped you regain yourself worth and reclaim your power.
Remember, you deserve to feel safe and secure in your
relationships. If you love what you learned, be
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See you back here in the next episode.