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Welcome to the Unfuck Your 
Relationships podcast, the show 

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where we are no longer just 
unfucking your love life, we are

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unfucking your entire life. 
Because around here, we raise 

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standards, we break patterns, we
do the shadow work, we upgrade 

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yourself concept, your 
boundaries, your confidence, 

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your relationships, your health,
your money, all of it. 

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There is no fluff here. 
There's no pretending, there's 

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no performing. 
Just radical, sometimes brutal 

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honesty, truth telling, and the 
kind of big sister best friend 

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energy that calls you the fuck 
forward. 

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So if you are ready to stop 
settling for the bare minimum 

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and you are finally ready to 
become the woman that you are so

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proud to wake up as in the 
morning, you are in the right 

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place. 
So let's unfuck your life one 

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episode at a time. 
All right, now let's get into 

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today's episode. 
Hello, my love, welcome back to 

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the Unfuck Your Relationships 
podcast. 

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I'm your host, Michelle Panning 
and this is episode 241. 

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And today we are going to talk 
about trauma bonds, why smart, 

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self aware women stay in 
relationships that are hurting 

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them and how you actually start 
detaching from them without 

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shaming yourself, without 
bypassing and without pretending

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it's just a nervous system thing
or it's just an attachment style

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thing, right? 
This episode is a especially for

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the woman who knows she's 
capable, she's emotionally 

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intelligent, you've probably 
been doing the work, and yet in 

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love you feel confused, hooked, 
dysregulated, and constantly 

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questioning yourself. 
So if that's you, you are 

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exactly where you need to be. 
So why don't people leave toxic 

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relationships? 
Well the reason that people 

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don't leave toxic relationships 
is because they're not toxic all

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the time and I really want you 
to let that land right. 

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If someone was awful 100% of the
time, leaving would be fucking 

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obvious. 
That's not how trauma bonds 

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work. 
Trauma bonds are built through 

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intermittent reinforcement, 
which means you experience 

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emotional lows like withdrawal, 
criticism, silence, dismissal, 

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outright disrespect, followed by
emotional highs like affection, 

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apologies, love bombing, sex 
promises, moments where they 

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feel like the person that you 
fell in love with and your brain

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starts enduring the bad because 
it remembers the good. 

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And those highs don't feel nice,
they feel like relief, right? 

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Relief after pain is incredibly 
addictive to the nervous system 

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because it spikes dopamine and 
oxytocin at the same time. 

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So one day you're being yelled 
at or you being shut out, and 

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then the next day they're 
telling you how special you are 

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and how they can't imagine life 
without you. 

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And your body is like, see, it's
OK, we're safe again. 

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And that cycle is actually 
what's what keeps you stuck. 

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So what is actually a trauma 
bond like? 

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Let's talk about what a trauma 
bond actually is. 

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A trauma bond is an intense 
emotional and psychological 

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attachment formed through 
repeated cycles of mistreatment 

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followed by intermittent care or
affection. 

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Right. 
It's not just about love, it's 

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about survival wiring. 
So someone can demean you, 

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belittle you, withdraw from you,
make you feel small, make you 

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feel fucking crazy, and then 
days later act like nothing 

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happened and then flood you with
attention. 

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Pray, gifts, intimacy, yada 
yada, right? 

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And your nervous system starts 
associating the relief of good 

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moments with connection, 
intimacy, and love, even though 

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nothing was actually repaired, 
right? 

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No accountability was taken, no 
safety was restored. 

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It was all just swept under the 
rug and replaced with intensity.

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And intensity feels powerful, 
but it is not intimacy. 

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So the addiction piece no one 
wants to talk about, right? 

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I hate to use the word addicted 
because it sounds dramatic, but 

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if you've been a trauma bond in 
a trauma bond, you know exactly 

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what I'm talking about. 
You can know intellectually that

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the relationship is hurting you 
and still feel panicked at the 

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thought of leaving, right? 
The idea of leaving feels scary,

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but the idea of them leaving you
feels unbearable. 

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So you start doing whatever you 
can to avoid that outcome. 

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You abandoned yourself so you 
don't get abandoned. 

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You stay quiet, you explain 
yourself better, you soften your

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needs, you make excuses. 
And underneath all of that is 

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this terrifying belief. 
If I give everything and it's 

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still not enough, then I must 
not be enough. 

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That belief is the hook. 
That belief is what keeps you 

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trying. 
Intensity is not intimacy, 

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right? 
One of the biggest lies that 

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trauma bonds sell is that the 
highs and lows equal depth. 

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It feels like you've been 
through so much together. 

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It feels like no one else could 
understand your bond. 

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It feels like we've survived so 
much. 

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It's US against the world. 
But here's the truth that you 

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probably don't want to hear. 
You guys have built the chaos. 

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You built the roller coaster. 
This isn't something you're 

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going through together. 
It's something you're enduring. 

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Treating you well after 
mistreating you is not repair. 

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It's not reconciliation. 
If they never take 

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accountability, if they never 
ask how their actions impacted 

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you, if they never change their 
behavior, then nothing has been 

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healed. 
You're just being reset for the 

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next cycle. 
So healing doesn't start when 

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you ask. 
Do I feel bonded to this person?

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Because of course you do. 
Of course you do. 

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Trauma bonds create intense 
attachment. 

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But healing starts when you ask 
a different question. 

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Is this person actually safe for
me? 

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Right. 
It's not even about like, well, 

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yes, obviously physical safety, 
but like emotionally safety. 

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So is this person actually safe 
for me? 

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Not perfect, not calm all the 
time, but safe. 

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Can you bring up something that 
hurt you and be met with empathy

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and curiosity? 
Or does it turn into 

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defensiveness or blame or 
escalation or your valid needs 

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or valid hurt being dismissed? 
Can you be vulnerable without it

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being used against you later? 
Because if the answer is no, 

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then the bond you feel is not 
evidence of love. 

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It's evidence of conditioning. 
Because what Love Actually is, 

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is Real love is kind. 
Real love is respectful. 

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Real love doesn't fucking call 
you names or scream at you or 

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belittle you or dismiss you or 
make you feel afraid to speak. 

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Yeah, we all fuck up, right? 
I've fucked up a million times, 

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as we know. 
I've been very vocal about this 

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on the podcast. 
We all say things we regret 

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sometimes. 
But real love takes 

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accountability. 
Love repairs. 

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Love cares about impact. 
Love is willing to put ego aside

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for the sake of connection. 
If someone repeatedly hurts you 

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and refuses to change, that is 
not love. 

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If you're listening to this 
thinking, why does it sound like

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she's literally in my head, then
it is time that you joined the 

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connected woman. 
This is the work that completely

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rewires how you show up in your 
love life. 

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If you're in a relationship, 
this is how you stop repeating 

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the same patterns over and over 
again. 

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You stop lashing out, you stop 
shutting down, and you turn 

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things around to the point where
your partner actually falls in 

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love with you all over again. 
And if you're single, this is 

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how you stop choosing the same 
person in a different body and 

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actually attract someone who is 
emotionally available, ready, is

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obsessed with you, and can meet 
you from the very beginning. 

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This is the end of I know 
better, but I don't do better. 

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This is the point where these 
patterns are stopped for good. 

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If you know you're ready for 
this work, you know what to do. 

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The link will be in the 
description. 

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Join the connected woman today. 
Let's get back to the episode. 

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So let's get into the shadow 
work piece. 

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Why this feels familiar. 
Here's the part we have to talk 

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about with compassion, not 
blame. 

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Trauma bonds don't come out of 
nowhere. 

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If healthy, safe love was not 
modeled for you growing up, 

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chaos feels totally normal. 
If you learned early on that you

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had to earn love or manage other
people's emotions or stay quiet 

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to stay safe, or abandoned your 
needs to stay connected, Your 

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nervous system may interpret 
unpredictability as intimacy. 

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And so over functioning often 
starts in childhood, right? 

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People pleasing starts as 
protection. 

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Hyper vigilance starts as 
survival. 

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So this is how your body just 
adapted and trauma bonded 

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relationships rely on certain 
traits in the partner. 

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They need someone empathetic, 
forgiving, loyal, self 

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reflective, willing to take 
accountability, and willing to 

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question themselves. 
Right. 

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They need someone who is scared 
of conflict. 

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They need someone who's scared 
of disconnection. 

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They need someone who believes 
that love means trying harder. 

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That's not a flaw. 
All of these things, you're 

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like, oh shit, should I not be 
that? 

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No, that's not a flaw. 
That's your heart. 

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That's your beautiful heart. 
But when it's paired with 

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someone who avoids 
accountability, lacks empathy, 

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or feels entitled to your labor,
it becomes a trap. 

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So you can know all of this and 
still stay. 

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I'm sure a lot of you are 
listening to this and being 

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like, yeah, I know this and I've
still stayed. 

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Because the problem isn't 
awareness, it's attachment. 

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Your nervous system associates 
the person with safety, even if 

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they're unsafe, because 
attachment wounds feel like life

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or death in the body. 
So as a child, losing attachment

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meant danger. 
And that wiring doesn't just 

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disappear because you're an 
adult. 

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That's why leaving can feel 
unbearable. 

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And that's why the pain of 
staying eventually has to 

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outweigh the fear of leaving. 
So detachment begins when you 

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stop focusing on who they could 
be and start looking at who they

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consistently are, right? 
Not on their good days, not when

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they're apologetic, but over 
time. 

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Are they a source of peace or 
chaos? 

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Safety or fear? 
Confusion or clarity. 

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And no, it doesn't matter if 
they're narcissistic or avoidant

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or traumatized or just bad at 
communications. 

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I don't. 
Quite frankly, I don't fucking 

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care if the behavior continues 
after you have repeatedly asked 

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for change. 
That's your fucking answer. 

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Stop doing emotional labor 
trying to diagnose someone who 

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has no interest in changing. 
And this is the thing, right? 

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Because you being so focused on 
him and what he's doing and if 

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he's a narcissist or he's 
avoiding or his attachment cell 

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is actually you distracting 
yourself from having to look at 

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yourself right now. 
Shame is what keeps you stuck. 

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This is why we don't want to 
look at our stuff. 

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Because self blame feels 
powerful. 

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Because if it's your fault, you 
can fix it. 

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But that belief keeps you 
trapped. 

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No amount of self reflection 
will fix someone else's 

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unwillingness to take 
accountability right. 

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You are worthy of safety, of 
consistency, of care, and I know

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part of you struggles to believe
that, but let me be a competing 

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voice with that part of you 
until you can hold it yourself. 

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So then we talk about boundaries
and the truth about them. 

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Healthy boundaries do not 
destroy healthy relationships. 

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The people who punish you for 
boundaries are the same people 

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who benefited from you not 
having any. 

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And if you are in an abusive 
situation, the boundary is not 

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explaining yourself better. 
The boundary is always removing 

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yourself. 
Your safety comes first, 

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Physical, emotional, sexual, all
of it. 

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Right now, this is the part what
happens after you leave, right? 

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There's grief. 
Because even when you leave, 

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even when you know it was 
unhealthy, you will grieve. 

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You will miss them. 
You will remember the good 

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moments. 
You will doubt yourself. 

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That does not mean you're you 
made the wrong choice. 

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It means that your nervous 
system is detoxing from a bond 

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that once felt like survival. 
It's like if a, you know, if 

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someone was detoxing from and 
they're an alcoholic and they're

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detoxing from alcohol or or 
drugs or whatever, of course 

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everything in your system is 
going to be like, Oh my God, 

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pick up the whiskey or pick up 
the heroin or whatever it is, 

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right? 
Does that mean you made the 

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wrong choice in quitting? 
No, right? 

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It's literally detoxing. 
Missing them does not mean go 

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back. 
It means feel the grief and keep

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moving forward. 
Now this is exactly why the 

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connected woman exists, because 
trauma bonds are not broken by 

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logic alone, they're broken by 
rebuilding self trust, self 

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worth, and nervous system 
safety. 

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The connected woman is where we 
dismantle these beliefs that 

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love has to hurt, you have to 
earn connection, that your needs

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are too much right. 
It's where you learn how to stop

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over functioning, stop 
abandoning yourself, and start 

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choosing relationships that feel
calm and grounded and secure. 

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This is not about blaming 
yourself, it's about reclaiming 

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yourself. 
So if you saw yourself in this 

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episode 1, I love you, right? 
I love you so much and I'm 

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sending you so much love. 
But if you saw yourself in this 

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and you're done repeating the 
same cycles and you're ready to 

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actually change how you show up 
in love from the inside out, the

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connected woman is your next 
step. 

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So you'll find all the details 
in the show notes or you can 

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come DM me on Instagram TCW and 
I can help you out. 

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All right, guys, thanks for 
hanging out with me today. 

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I love you and I'll see you next
week. 

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All right, my love, let what 
landed today actually land. 

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Because this podcast is not just
here to inspire you. 

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It is here to change you, your 
standards, your patterns, your 

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life. 
And if you are done living on 

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autopilot, you're done 
shrinking. 

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You're done repeating the same 
fucking shit over and over. 

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Let this be your reminder. 
You are built for more. 

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Unfucking your life is a choice 
you make every single day. 

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And if you want to go deeper, 
come hang out with me on 

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Instagram at Michelle Panning 
because that is where I share 

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all of the raw stuff, the real 
time shifts that I'm having in 

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my life and everything that I am
doing to raise my own standards 

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to in life and in love. 
I love you. 

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I believe in your next level. 
Go and fuck your life, babe.