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Welcome to the Unfuck Your 
Relationships podcast, the show 

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where we are no longer just 
unfucking your love life, we are

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unfucking your entire life. 
Because around here, we raise 

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standards, we break patterns, we
do the shadow work, we upgrade 

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yourself concept, your 
boundaries, your confidence, 

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your relationships, your health,
your money, all of it. 

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There is no fluff here. 
There's no pretending, there's 

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no performing. 
Just radical, sometimes brutal 

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honesty, truth telling, and the 
kind of big sister best friend 

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energy that calls you the fuck 
forward. 

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So if you are ready to stop 
settling for the bare minimum 

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and you are finally ready to 
become the woman that you are so

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proud to wake up as in the 
morning, you are in the right 

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place. 
So let's unfuck your life one 

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episode at a time. 
All right, now let's get into 

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today's episode. 
Hello, my loves. 

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Welcome back to the Unfuck Your 
Relationships podcast. 

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I'm your host, Michelle Panning,
and this is episode 243. 

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So today we're going to be 
talking about something that I 

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know is going to hit so many of 
you so fucking hard. 

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And I say that with so much 
love. 

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As you guys know, today we're 
going to be talking about the 

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difference between high 
standards and high walls. 

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And specifically we're going to 
get into why some of you have 

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been confusing the two for 
years. 

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And I get it right? 
You are proud of your standards.

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You should be like, you 
absolutely should be, right? 

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You did the work, you read the 
books, you went to therapy, you 

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healed from that guy who 
emotionally wrecked you, and you

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came out the other side knowing 
your worth. 

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And now you have standards, real
ones. 

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You know what you want, you know
what you won't tolerate, and you

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are not settling good. 
That's the goal. 

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So then let me ask you this. 
Why has it been however many 

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months or let's be honest, 
fucking years, and every man 

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you've dated has had something 
wrong with him? 

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Why does every potential 
relationship get to a certain 

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point and then you find a reason
to exit right? 

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Why do the men who actually show
up, who are, who are actually 

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consistent, who are actually 
available, feel boring or 

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suffocating or just not right? 
I'm going to tell you why, OK? 

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Because for some of you, and I 
really, really need you to 

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really hear this, what you're 
calling standards is not 

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discernment. 
It's a defense mechanism. 

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And until you can tell the 
difference, you're going to keep

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doing this loop. 
OK, so today we're going to 

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break it the fuck open. 
So let me paint you a picture, 

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right? 
You go on a date and it's 

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actually pretty good, right? 
They're attractive, He's got his

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life together. 
He was kind. 

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He texted you the next day. 
And then you find it, right? 

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You find it. 
Maybe it was something small 

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that he said. 
Maybe it was the way that he 

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laughed. 
Maybe it was that he was a 

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little too eager. 
And that gave you the ick. 

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And just like that, you're out, 
right? 

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And you tell your friend, Oh no,
I don't know. 

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Like, it was nice, he was nice, 
but he just wasn't it. 

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And she nods, because she's used
to hearing this by now. 

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Or maybe you did date someone 
and you actually let them in a 

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little, right? 
Things were good for a few 

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weeks, and then something 
shifted. 

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Not in him, just in you, right? 
You started pulling back. 

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You get busy, you stop being as 
warm, and eventually it fizzled 

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and you told yourself it wasn't 
meant to be. 

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Or maybe you've just been single
for so fucking long that at this

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point it almost feels like a 
personality trait. 

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Yeah, you're the one in your 
friend group who has the most 

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insight about relationships and 
the least relationship 

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experience in the last few 
years, right? 

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Again. 
You've read every book you can 

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explain attachment theory to 
anyone, you just can't seem to 

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apply it to yourself. 
Sound familiar? 

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Because I see this all the time 
and I wanna be so clear. 

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I'm not saying that you should 
settle. 

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I'm not saying lower your 
standards. 

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What I'm asking is, I'm asking 
you to get super honest about 

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whether what you have are 
actually standards or whether 

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you have built a fucking 
fortress and started calling it 

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self respect, right? 
Here's the thing about 

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standards. 
Real standards. 

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Standards that are rooted in 
self worth. 

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They actually make you more 
open, not less, right? 

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When you genuinely know your 
value, you don't need to screen 

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everyone out before they get 
close. 

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You trust yourself to handle it 
If something doesn't workout, 

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right? 
That doesn't mean that you don't

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have discernment. 
It just means that you're not 

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palming everybody off before 
they even get a chance to get to

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know you, right? 
You're not terrified of getting 

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it wrong. 
You're not auditioning every 

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person from the first date like 
a fucking forensic accountant 

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looking for evidence to close 
the file, right? 

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But standards rooted in fear, 
Those work in the opposite 

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direction. 
OK, so standards rigid and self 

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worth bring you closer. 
Whereas standard is rooted in 

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fear work in the opposite 
direction. 

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So the more you are getting 
hurt, the higher and higher the 

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bar gets. 
And the bar isn't really even 

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about him anymore. 
It's about keeping you safe, 

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right? 
The bar exists so that no one 

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qualifies. 
Because if no one qualifies, no 

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one gets in. 
And if no one gets in, you can't

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get hurt. 
Your nervous system is very, 

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very, very clever, right? 
It learned a long time ago from 

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a relationship, from a 
childhood, from whatever, that 

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letting people in inevitably 
leads to pain. 

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And so it built a protection 
system. 

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And that protection system is 
incredibly intelligent and 

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sophisticated, right? 
It doesn't just make you push 

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people away clumsily of like, Oh
no, I'm avoiding. 

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I need to push this person away.
No, it's very convincing. 

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It makes you find reasons 
intellectual, articulate, 

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compelling, very convincing 
reasons, right. 

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He wasn't emotionally 
intelligent enough. 

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He wasn't ambitious enough. 
The energy wasn't right, the 

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timing was off. 
And those reasons might actually

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be true sometimes, absolutely, 
but often it's just your nervous

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system doing its job. 
That's the part of you that 

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decided it would rather be alone
and and it's opinion safe than 

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open and at risk and vulnerable 
essentially. 

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Right. 
So I want to talk specifically 

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to the woman who healed hurt 
their anxious attachment, right?

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Because there's a pattern that I
see that almost nobody talks 

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about, right? 
You were anxious, you chased 

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unavailable people. 
You over functioned in 

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relationships. 
You gave too much and asked for 

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too little. 
And then you did the work. 

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And then you stopped doing that.
You got your power back, you got

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your standards, great. 
But then you overcorrected, 

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right? 
Without even realizing it. 

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Because the antidote to I give 
too much becomes I give nothing 

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until he earns it. 
The antidote to I chaste becomes

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I don't pursue, I don't 
initiate, I don't show too much 

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interest. 
The antidote to I was too 

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available became I am never 
available, right? 

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So actually what happened is you
swapped anxious attachment for 

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avoidant attachment and you 
called it healing. 

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And I get it, right? 
I I genuinely get it. 

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This was me, right? 
I had anxious attachment and 

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then I overcorrected and became 
very, very avoidant. 

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Right when you spent years being
the person who closed the 

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distance, being a little 
withholding finally feels like 

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power, right? 
Not chasing finally feels like 

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self respect. 
And some of it, some of it was 

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for me and some of it might be 
for you, but some of it wasn't 

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right. 
Some of it was actually just 

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fear. 
So if we get into the shadow 

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here, because this is where it 
starts to get really, really 

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interesting, right? 
The part of you that finds a 

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flaw in every man that's a 
protector, it's a part of you 

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that got assigned a job a long 
time ago and it's incredibly 

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good at its job, right? 
It's like it will find something

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wrong with every single partner 
every single time, because that 

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is exactly what it was built to 
do. 

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Now, the shadow piece here is 
this. 

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What you're rejecting in other 
people is a projection of what 

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you haven't integrated in 
yourself, right? 

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That man who's too needy is a 
mirror for the neediness you've 

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suppressed and judged in 
yourself. 

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The man who's too available 
triggers something in you 

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because somewhere deep down you 
believe that your own needs and 

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desires are too much, so someone
openly having and expressing 

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theirs feels suffocating or 
pathetic, right? 

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The man who feels boring is 
boring to the part of you that's

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still addicted to the anxiety of
unavailability. 

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Because if you spent years 
equating intensity with love, a 

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calm, consistent man isn't going
to feel like love. 

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It's just not right. 
He's going to be like, nothing's

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happening, but nothing is 
happening because there's no 

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fucking drama. 
And the absence of drama is not 

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the absence of love, It's 
actually the presence of safety.

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And safety is uncomfortable when
your nervous system was 

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calibrated for chaos. 
So the shadow question that I 

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want you to sit with is, what 
are you actually looking for 

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when you're screening people 
out? 

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Are you screening for genuine 
compatibility, which is a good 

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thing for you to do? 
Or are you screening for reasons

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to stay closed? 
Because we do that all the time,

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right? 
Oh, no, our value doesn't align.

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No, you're just looking for 
anything that doesn't align so 

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that you can be like, oh, he's 
not the one for me. 

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So here's what this looks like 
in real life. 

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You go on three great dates with
someone like genuinely great. 

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You're laughing, the 
conversation flows. 

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He's attentive, he's clearly 
interested, and then he says 

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something. 
Yeah, maybe it's a slightly 

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awkward joke, Maybe he mentions 
his ex once, maybe he was 5 

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minutes late to date #3 and 
something in you goes cold. 

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If anyone is watching Married at
First Sight Australia, this is 

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Mel, right? 
Day one, her husband is late to 

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the altar because he forgot the 
rings. 

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You know, is that great on 
Luke's part? 

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No, obviously not. 
But he apologized, took 

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accountability and was ready to 
move forward with Mel. 

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But she held on to that the 
entire way through, right? 

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So something in you goes cold 
and you just don't, you don't 

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consciously decide to end it. 
You just start to lose interest,

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right? 
Suddenly you're not that excited

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when he texts, you start 
replying slower and you feel 

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vaguely like suffocated even 
though nothing suffocating has 

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happened. 
That is your wall going up, not 

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your standards kicking in. 
Or it can look like this. 

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OK, your checklist keeps 
growing, right? 

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When he first started doing the 
work, maybe you had five things 

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that you needed in a partner. 
Now you have 50 and they keep 

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getting more specific, right? 
He has to be emotionally 

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available but not too 
emotionally expressive. 

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He has to be, you know, 
ambitious but not a workaholic. 

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He has to be confident but not 
arrogant. 

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He has to pursue you but not 
come on too strong. 

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You have created a man and a 
template so fucking narrow that 

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he would have to be a completely
bespoke human being to qualify, 

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right? 
That is not standards. 

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Those are walls. 
That's a get out of jail free 

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card. 
That's an escape. 

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If you're listening to this 
thinking, why does it sound like

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she's literally in my head, then
it is time that you joined the 

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connected woman. 
This is the work that completely

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rewires how you show up in your 
love life. 

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If you're in a relationship, 
this is how you stop repeating 

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the same patterns over and over 
again. 

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You stop lashing out, you stop 
shutting down, and you turn 

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things around to the point where
your partner actually falls in 

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love with you all over over 
again. 

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And if you're single, this is 
how you stop choosing the same 

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person in a different body and 
actually attract someone who is 

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emotionally available, ready, is
obsessed with you, and can meet 

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you from the very beginning. 
This is the end of I know 

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better, but I don't do better. 
This is the point where these 

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patterns are stopped for good. 
If you know you're ready for 

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this work, you know what to do. 
The link will be in the 

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description. 
Join the connected woman today. 

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Let's get back to the episode. 
And then there's the woman who 

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has literally not been in a 
relationship for years. 

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And maybe you've done more 
personal development than most 

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fucking therapists, right? 
You can identify your attachment

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wounds in real time, but you 
haven't let anyone in for years.

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And every time someone asks why,
you'll tell them, oh, I just 

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haven't met the right person 
yet. 

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Baby, baby, the common 
denominator is not the men. 

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Can we see this? 
Right. 

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OK, so here's where I need you 
to stay with me because this is 

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the part that can sting a little
bit. 

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If you are consistently not 
meeting men or women or whoever,

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if you are consistently not 
meeting men who are right for 

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you, that is information. 
It's not a bad luck. 

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It's not a drought. 
It's a pattern, and patterns 

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live in you, not out there in 
the dating pool. 

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Nobody is going to, you know, 
come climb Rapunzel's fucking 

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castle. 
No one's going to scale your 

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walls. 
That's not romantic. 

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A healthy, secure person is not 
going to spend months trying to 

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prove themselves to someone who 
has already decided they'll 

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fail. 
Right. 

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A healthy, secure man is not 
going to spend months trying to 

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prove himself to someone who's 
already decided he'll fail. 

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He's going to eventually walk 
away, and then you'll tell 

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yourself it just wasn't right. 
And then he'll always wonder why

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he felt like he was never enough
no matter what he did. 

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Discernment, real discernment, 
comes from an open heart. 

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It's the ability to get to know 
someone, let them get to know 

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you, be present in the process, 
and from that place of actually 

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knowing them, decide if you're 
compatible. 

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That's very different from 
closing the file before you've 

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even read the first page. 
Right? 

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And I want to say something 
else. 

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Being available, emotionally 
available, open, warm, all the 

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things is not the same as having
no standards. 

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Yeah, it's not the same as 
settling. 

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You can be open and discerning. 
You can be warm and have 

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boundaries. 
Those are not opposites. 

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A truly secure woman is both. 
Yeah. 

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She's not selective from a place
of, you know, fear. 

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That's the difference. 
So who do you need to become? 

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You need to become the woman who
trusts herself in the process, 

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not just the woman who protects 
herself from the process. 

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Makes sense because right now, 
if this is your pattern, you 

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have built an entire identity 
around not getting hurt. 

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And that identity has its own 
momentum, right? 

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It has a voice. 
It sounds like discernment. 

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It sounds like self respect. 
It sounds like I know what I 

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want. 
But underneath all of this is a 

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woman who has genuinely 
terrified of letting someone see

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her and not choose her. 
So the shift is from I protect 

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myself from love to I trust 
myself in love. 

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Not because every relationship 
will work out, it won't, but 

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because you know you'll be OK if
it doesn't. 

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That is what secure attachment 
actually feels like. 

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Not a fortress, right, but a 
woman who is open, boundaried, 

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and unafraid of her own 
vulnerability. 

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Secure attachment isn't a 
fortress or a flood. 

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It's not I let everybody in and 
it's not nobody gets in. 

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It's a door with a lock that you
choose when to open, and you can

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only learn to use that lock 
correctly if you stop 

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barricading their door entirely.
OK, so here's what I want you to

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actually do with this 1st. 
The next time that you find a 

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reason to exit something that's 
going well, I want you to pause 

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and ask yourself, is this a 
standard or a wall? 

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A standard is rooted in genuine 
incompatibility. 

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A wall is rooted in fear. 
Your body knows the difference. 

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OK? 
A standard feels clear. 

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It feels grounded, whereas a 
wall feels like relief, right? 

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But the kind of relief that you 
feel when you've avoided 

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something scary. 
OK, Second, do a body check. 

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So when you clocked that quote 
UN quote deal breaker, where did

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you feel it? 
Did you feel it in your gut or 

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in your chest, in your values or
in your anxiety, right? 

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This isn't about overriding your
instincts. 

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It's actually about getting 
honest about which instinct is 

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actually speaking. 
Third, I want you to journal on 

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this. 
What would I have to feel if I 

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actually let someone in? 
Don't answer that quickly. 

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Sit with it. 
Because the answer to that 

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00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,760
question is probably the exact 
thing your walls are protecting 

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you from feeling. 
And that thing, whatever it is, 

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is where the real work is, 
right? 

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And finally, I want you to clock
it. 

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Name the avoidant protector. 
When did she first show up? 

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What is she protecting, and what
has she cost you by doing her 

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00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:19,960
job so fucking well, right? 
Don't shame her, thank her, and 

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then let her know you've got 
this now. 

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So if you heard yourself in this
episode, if you recognize the 

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patterns, the protector, that 
checklist that keeps growing, 

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00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,520
the exits that feel like 
standards, then I want to talk 

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00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:36,840
to you about The Connected 
Woman. 

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00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:40,480
The Connected Woman is my shadow
work program specifically for 

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00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,800
women who are stuck in anxious 
or avoidant cycles and are ready

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00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,760
to break that dance for good. 
Not just understand it 

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00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:50,280
intellectually, but actually 
break it right. 

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We go into shadow work, we work 
with the parts, we rebuild 

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yourself concept from the inside
out. 

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We do the nervous system work 
and we get you to the place 

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where you are genuinely 
available for a relationship, 

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00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:05,320
not as a strategy to get one, 
but because that's who you've 

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00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,880
become. 
This isn't about doing healing 

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00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:11,800
work just to be chosen. 
It's about becoming a woman who 

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chooses herself so fully that 
the right relationship becomes a

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natural consequence. 
OK, so the link will be in the 

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00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:20,840
description. 
Go check it out. 

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00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:23,000
If it speaks to you, it is meant
for you. 

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00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:26,520
So all right, guys, thank you 
for hanging with me today. 

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I love you and I will see you 
next week. 

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All right, my love, let what 
landed today actually land. 

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Because this podcast is not just
here to inspire you. 

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It is here to change you, your 
standards, your patterns, your 

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life. 
And if you are done living on 

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00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:44,800
autopilot, you're done 
shrinking. 

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You're done repeating the same 
fucking shit over and over. 

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Let this be your reminder. 
You are built for more. 

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Unfucking your life is a choice 
you make every single day. 

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And if you want to go deeper, 
come hang out with me on 

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Instagram at Michelle Panning 
because that is where I share 

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00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,800
all of the raw stuff, the real 
time shifts that I'm having in 

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00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,480
my life and everything that I am
doing to raise my own standards 

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00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:12,080
to in life and in love. 
I love you. 

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00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:15,440
I believe in your next level. 
Go and fuck your life, babe.