1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,400 Welcome to the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast, the show 2 00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:06,280 where we are no longer just unfucking your love life, we are 3 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:10,000 unfucking your entire life. Because around here, we raise 4 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:14,000 standards, we break patterns, we do the shadow work, we upgrade 5 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,520 yourself concept, your boundaries, your confidence, 6 00:00:16,520 --> 00:00:19,320 your relationships, your health, your Bunny, all of it. 7 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,760 There is no fluff here. There's no pretending, there's 8 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:26,640 no performing. Just radical, sometimes brutal 9 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:30,400 honesty, truth telling, and the kind of big sister best friend 10 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,680 energy that calls you the fuck forward. 11 00:00:33,040 --> 00:00:35,640 So if you are ready to stop settling for the bare minimum 12 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:38,880 and you are finally ready to become the woman that you are so 13 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:42,120 proud to wake up as in the morning, you are in the right 14 00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:45,440 place. So let's unfuck your life one 15 00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,320 episode at a time. All right, now let's get into 16 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:50,720 today's episode. Hello, my loves. 17 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,000 Welcome back to the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast. 18 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,120 I'm your host, Michelle Panning, and this is episode 239. 19 00:00:56,680 --> 00:01:00,160 And today we are talking about 11 ways that low self esteem 20 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:04,599 Ruins relationships. And I really want you to listen 21 00:01:04,599 --> 00:01:06,600 to this episode. Not from a place of like, what 22 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,520 am I doing wrong? So not from a place of shame, 23 00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:13,040 but from a place of curiosity, self honesty and self 24 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:14,080 responsibility. OK. 25 00:01:14,320 --> 00:01:17,600 Like low self esteem doesn't just look like fucking hating 26 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,960 yourself or feeling insecure in obvious ways. 27 00:01:20,320 --> 00:01:23,880 It hides behind being super chill, being the cool girl, 28 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:28,280 being understanding, being the bigger person, being self aware, 29 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,600 being, you know, low maintenance, right? 30 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,760 All of those things and a lot of the women listening to this 31 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,720 podcast. I, I see you guys, right. 32 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,280 You guys come into my DMS. I talk to you guys all the time. 33 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:41,160 You leave comments on Spotify on, on, you know, Apple 34 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:44,440 podcasts, all the things which I would love if you could leave me 35 00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:47,000 a five star review on Apple podcasts. 36 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:51,560 The reviews there are slacking. So please, please, please, if 37 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:54,560 you got value out of this, like guys, I've put out now 239 38 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:58,800 episodes, please do me a solid and leave me a review and a 39 00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,600 rating on Spotify. And then you can also leave 40 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,320 comments on Spotify and you can like request things if you want 41 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:05,640 to talk about, hear me talk about a certain thing. 42 00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,120 So yeah, that really helps get the podcast out there. 43 00:02:08,199 --> 00:02:10,240 Anyways, I talked to you guys, right? 44 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:13,720 I know that you are smart, emotionally intelligent, self 45 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:17,360 aware women, but you still find yourself stuck in the same 46 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,120 relationship patterns, wondering why the fuck nothing is 47 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:23,240 changing. So if that's you, stay with me. 48 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:24,960 OK? The first way that low self 49 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:29,800 esteem ruins relationships is that it makes you terrified of 50 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,960 conflict. When your self esteem is low, 51 00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:37,200 conflict doesn't feel like just a normal part of intimacy and a 52 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,040 part of relationships. It feels like a threat to your 53 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,640 quote UN quote survival. Right. 54 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:46,000 Your nervous system equates disagreement with abandonment. 55 00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:49,760 So instead of addressing issues when they're small and actually 56 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:54,400 workable, you swallow them, you rationalize them, you minimize 57 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,520 them, and then you just tell yourself like, oh, it's just not 58 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,280 that big of a deal, right? You convince yourself that 59 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:02,200 you're being mature, you're being the bigger person, but 60 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,440 actually you're really just fucking shit scared. 61 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:08,000 And the problem is that relationships don't get safer 62 00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:12,160 when you avoid conflict. They actually get quite fragile 63 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,680 and brittle, right? So unspoken resentment doesn't 64 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:20,600 disappear, It starts to leak out into the relationship, right? 65 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:26,760 It comes out sideways in your tone, withdrawal in sarcasm, sex 66 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:30,880 starting to dry up, or random emotional explosions over shit 67 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,120 that doesn't even matter. The way that I see this, and 68 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,120 I've explained this, I talk about this in The Connected 69 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:36,840 Woman where it's like your shadows. 70 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:39,680 It's kind of like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. 71 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:41,920 It's like it takes so much energy energy to do that. 72 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,280 And then the second that you, you know, you're like, I think I 73 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:46,520 can take a break outcomes the beach ball, right? 74 00:03:47,080 --> 00:03:49,200 So that's that's how it comes, right? 75 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,960 It's that unspoken resentment comes out all of those different 76 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:55,760 ways and conflict is actually how two people learn how to 77 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,520 dance together. And when you avoid it, you're 78 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,920 not protecting the relationship. You're actually slowly poisoning 79 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,440 it. Now the second way that low self 80 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:08,560 esteem ruins relationships is through overcompensating to earn 81 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:11,840 love, right? Low self esteem convinces you 82 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:17,920 that love is conditional, so you try to do the most to deserve 83 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,200 it, right? You over give, you over 84 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:24,600 function, you over accommodate, you over understand, you over 85 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,360 forgive. You're given constantly giving 86 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,320 the benefit of the doubt. You're always like one more 87 00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:30,920 chance, even though they have had, you know, 19 different 88 00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:33,760 chances before. So you abandoned your needs. 89 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:37,240 And then you tell yourself you're just easygoing or evolved 90 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:39,480 or you're just not needy like other women, right? 91 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:43,680 You become the chill girlfriend, the one who doesn't ask for 92 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:46,520 much, the one who prides herself on being low maintenance or 93 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:47,920 doesn't need anything from anyone. 94 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:51,760 But inside, you're fucking exhausted, right? 95 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:56,160 Because love has turned into this fucking performance. 96 00:04:56,520 --> 00:05:00,920 And the shadow side of that is again, the resentment, right? 97 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:05,920 When you feel like you have to earn love, of course a part of 98 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,840 you is going to start resenting the other person that you're 99 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:10,040 fucking bending yourself into a goddamn pretzel for. 100 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,160 And then you don't even understand why you're pissed off 101 00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,200 all the time. I know why you're pissed off all 102 00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:15,720 the time because you're literally pretending that you 103 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,120 don't have needs and you're being like I'm so chill. 104 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,840 No no no no. The third way low self esteem 105 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:25,160 ruins relationships is that it makes you suppress your needs. 106 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:26,960 Kind of piggybacking off the last one, right? 107 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,720 So most people with low self esteem grew up in environments 108 00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:34,000 where their needs were seen as inconvenient or they were 109 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:38,280 ignored or they were shamed. So they learned early that 110 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:41,880 wanting things made them bad or too much right? 111 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:45,000 You there was some sort of punishment for wanting something 112 00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,320 or having needs. That conditioning doesn't 113 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,440 magically just disappear because you became an adult, right? 114 00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:55,200 Just because you're 35 doesn't mean that it's gone, right? 115 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:58,440 It shows up as not saying what you need, not asking for 116 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,440 support, not expressing your preferences, and then feeling 117 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,720 disappointed when your partner doesn't magically read your 118 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:06,080 mind. This is actually something that 119 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:10,560 I have been leaning into so much more because I'm really like, if 120 00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:14,440 you don't ask, you don't get. So for instance, just like 121 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,880 little things like Alex and I went out to, to this like really 122 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:22,800 bougie restaurant a week ago or two weeks ago or something and 123 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,720 her steak came, She had ordered medium rare and it was like 124 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,160 quite well done. And it's funny because Alex is 125 00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:33,000 like, if you guys know Alex, she is like a, a manifestation and 126 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,800 business coach and she's all like fucking delusional self 127 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:37,160 concept and you can have anything. 128 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,120 I mean, you know, she's literally on her way to 129 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:41,680 $1,000,000 month right now, which is just crazy. 130 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,200 And she was like, it doesn't matter. 131 00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,480 Like who cares? And I was like, no, you're 132 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:51,640 paying for the steak. You want, like you, you get to 133 00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,720 have what you asked for. So I like, put my hand up and 134 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,720 like, you know, I called the waiter over and I'm like, hi, I 135 00:06:57,720 --> 00:07:00,280 just wanted to, you know, I'm just, and I just shared like we 136 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:02,640 had asked, she had asked for medium rare and it's just a 137 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:04,800 little bit overdone. Is it possible that we could, 138 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:09,240 you know, get a, a, a new one? I don't know how I phrased it, 139 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,880 but essentially that. And they were like, Oh my gosh, 140 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:14,920 of course, yes, we will make that happen. 141 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:19,360 And then they ended up like covering the steak, which I 142 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:20,520 didn't think was going to happen. 143 00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:22,480 We were totally happy to pay for the steak. 144 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,480 You know, it's like 770 or $80 or something. 145 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:25,920 And we were totally happy to pay for that. 146 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,840 And they were like, no, no, absolutely. 147 00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,480 It's on us. You know, also I said in the 148 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,840 last episode, her we, I just moved. 149 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:36,280 So, you know, the removalists had like, they actually broke my 150 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,840 computer monitor, like broke the screen and this, the side of it 151 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:41,000 was like all cracked and everything. 152 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:44,960 And then they got dirt, like all over, like dirt and like rust. 153 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,360 I don't even know how. I don't even know how they 154 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:50,360 managed to do it, but it's got like rust stains like all over 155 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:54,080 my white couch and my white bed, like bed frame. 156 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,440 And again, Alex was like, oh, who cares? 157 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,200 Whatever, It doesn't matter. Like we'll just buy a new 158 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:02,880 monitor or you can just use it as is and you know, we'll just 159 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:07,120 clean the stains ourself. And I was like also, no, you 160 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:10,360 know, so I sent an e-mail, a very polite but direct e-mail, 161 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:13,560 and I was like, I would like to be compensated. 162 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:16,280 Here's the link for the monitor. And immediately they were like, 163 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:19,560 no problem, If you could just get us two to three different 164 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:23,400 quotes for the professional cleaning, we will be happy to go 165 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,680 from there. And we've transferred you $1000 166 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:28,440 for the monitor. Great, right. 167 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,080 So this is what I mean. It's like you can't be 168 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:33,559 disappointed when people don't magically read your fucking 169 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:35,320 mind, right? Here's the thing. 170 00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,880 Needs don't disappear just because you suppress them, 171 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,039 right? They come out indirectly as 172 00:08:40,039 --> 00:08:43,120 manipulation, passive aggression, emotional 173 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:47,480 withdrawal, or resentment. And manipulation isn't evil, by 174 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,480 the way. It's what happens when someone 175 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:53,760 doesn't feel safe being direct, but it will absolutely erode 176 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:57,120 trust and intimacy over time. If you're listening to this 177 00:08:57,120 --> 00:09:01,680 thinking, why does it sound like she's literally in my head, then 178 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,480 it is time that you joined the connected woman. 179 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,720 This is the work that completely rewires how you show up in your 180 00:09:06,720 --> 00:09:08,400 love life. If you're in a relationship, 181 00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,440 this is how you stop repeating the same patterns over and over 182 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:13,840 again. You stop lashing out, you stop 183 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:16,560 shutting down, and you turn things around to the point where 184 00:09:16,560 --> 00:09:19,320 your partner actually falls in love with you all over again. 185 00:09:19,520 --> 00:09:22,640 And if you're single, this is how you stop choosing the same 186 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:26,960 person in a different body and actually attract someone who is 187 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:31,720 emotionally available, ready, is obsessed with you, and can meet 188 00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:35,240 you from the very beginning. This is the end of I know 189 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:39,600 better, but I don't do better. This is the point where these 190 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:43,440 patterns are stopped for good. If you know you're ready for 191 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,960 this work, you know what to do. The link will be in the 192 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,240 description. Join the Connected woman today. 193 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,720 Let's get back to the episode. The fourth way Low self esteem 194 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:55,120 ruins relationships is through constant reassurance seeking 195 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:59,840 that never actually lands. When yourself esteem is low, no 196 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:03,640 amount of reassurance ever feels like enough because it's being 197 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,160 poured into a self concept that has holes in it. 198 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:09,000 It's like I said, this declines before where I'm like, OK, cool. 199 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,840 Who relies on external validation? 200 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:13,440 Like, yeah, yeah, I'm like, have you ever gotten to a point where 201 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:15,400 you have had so much external validation that you're like, 202 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,240 yeah, I'm good. I feel set for life now. 203 00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:20,000 No. Right. 204 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,240 So when you have a partner and it's like they tell you they 205 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,840 love you and your nervous system immediately goes, yeah, but do 206 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:26,160 you really? Right. 207 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,880 They show up consistently and you still scan for signs that 208 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:31,760 they're pulling away. Over time, the other person 209 00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:35,600 starts to feel questioned, doubted, and like nothing they 210 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,920 do is ever enough. And it is fucking exhausting to 211 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:41,840 feel like you are constantly trying to fill up a cup that has 212 00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:45,000 no bucking bottom. And eventually this dynamic 213 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:48,200 creates distance, which then reinforces your fear of 214 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,920 abandonment. Vicious fucking cycle, am I 215 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:52,840 right? The fifth way low self esteem 216 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,200 ruins relationships is by making you inauthentic. 217 00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:59,560 When you don't believe that you are enough as you are, you edit 218 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:02,320 yourself right. You present the version of you 219 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:06,080 that you think will be accepted, desired, approved of whatever it 220 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,240 is. You will hide your opinions, You 221 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,880 will hide your preferences. You will hide your edges, your 222 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:13,600 truth, your needs. And then you wonder why you feel 223 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:18,280 unseen and unfulfilled. You cannot feel true belonging 224 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:21,440 in a relationship where you're not actually being yourself. 225 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:25,120 And then when the real you inevitably starts to emerge, 226 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:29,560 because it will, it's literally unsustainable to keep on this 227 00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,280 mask forever. It often creates conflict or 228 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,560 rupture because the relationship was built on a fucking false 229 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,320 premise. And that's not because you're 230 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:37,760 bad or you're a dishonest person. 231 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,760 It's because low self esteem taught you that your 232 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:43,120 authenticity wasn't safe, Right? I love what Gabor Matte says of 233 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:47,000 when a child is faced between the choice between being 234 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,040 authentic and keeping their attachment, they will choose 235 00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:53,800 attachment every single time. You don't just grow out of that. 236 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:58,800 So the sixth way is it ruins relationships through an 237 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:02,280 inferiority complex. So when you see yourself as less 238 00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:06,360 than, you stop trusting your own decisions, your instincts, your 239 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,120 leadership, all the things. You start to defer to your 240 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:13,080 partner for everything and you hand over responsibility for the 241 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,880 direction of your relationship and your life because deep down 242 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:18,760 you do not trust yourself to choose correctly. 243 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,920 You're so fucking terrified of making the wrong decision that 244 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:26,120 you just sit in indecision or you're like, what should I do, 245 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,120 what should I do, what should I do? 246 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,080 And this creates an unbalanced dynamic where your partner 247 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:33,200 carries all the weight, all the decision making, all the 248 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,960 direction. And that doesn't feel good for 249 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,680 anyone. And that often leads to 250 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:40,240 resentment, power imbalances, or narcissistic dynamics where 251 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:44,360 there's essentially no you showing up in the relationship. 252 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,400 The 7th way low self esteem ruins relationships is through 253 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:53,200 jealousy and control, right? Jealousy at its core is the fear 254 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:54,720 of losing something that you value. 255 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:58,360 But low self esteem turns that fear into hyper vigilance and 256 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,000 suspicion. Everybody becomes a threat. 257 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:05,800 Other women, friends, Co workers, exes, strangers on 258 00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,920 Instagram, right? And this can show up as 259 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:11,680 monitoring behavior, discouraging your partner's 260 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:16,320 independence, creating emotional consequences when your partner 261 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:19,480 engages with others, or having like subtle isolation tactics 262 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:23,040 that slowly shrink their world. None of this creates safety. 263 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:27,160 None of this creates trust. It creates resentment, secrecy, 264 00:13:27,160 --> 00:13:30,080 and emotional suffocation. The eighth way low self esteem 265 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:33,000 ruins relationship is through conflict avoidance disguised as 266 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,360 peacekeeping, right? You tell yourself that you're 267 00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:39,080 just calm, understanding, emotionally regulated, but 268 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:41,320 actually you're just avoiding difficult conversations because 269 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,760 you don't believe the relationship can survive them. 270 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,040 And the problem is that unresolved issues don't stay 271 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,120 small. They escalate, they get bigger. 272 00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:53,680 It's turning a, you know, a molehill into a mountain, right? 273 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:58,760 And what could have been a simple conversation, it 274 00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:02,040 eventually turns into these massive ruptures or breaches of 275 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:05,040 trust or emotional explosions that feel fucking impossible to 276 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:08,360 repair. So conflict is not what breaks 277 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:12,080 relationships. Lack of repair, avoiding 278 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,480 conflict is what breaks relationships. 279 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:17,320 The 9th way low self esteem ruins relationships is by 280 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:21,000 withdrawing entirely. When you believe relationships 281 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:24,760 will inevitably end in rejection or pain, what will happen is 282 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,080 you'll preemptively pull away, right? 283 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,400 You reject others before you, they can reject you. 284 00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:32,160 You isolate to stay in control of your pain. 285 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:36,080 And whilst loneliness hurts for many people, it's actually it 286 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:39,360 feels safer than vulnerability. And this reinforces the belief 287 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:43,680 that you're unlovable and keeps you stuck in deprivation instead 288 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,320 of intimacy. And I've even experienced this 289 00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,160 with like clients. And I experienced this as a 290 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:49,880 client. I was actually sharing with one 291 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:53,880 of my clients the other day at the retreats. 292 00:14:53,880 --> 00:15:00,880 So a couple weeks ago, how I, I had a personal coach years ago, 293 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,240 gosh, I don't know, six years ago or something. 294 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,560 And I remember when our container was coming to an end 295 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:07,680 and I started like leaning out of the container. 296 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,280 I stopped messaging her and all the things. 297 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:13,040 And I realized it was because I was pre empting the end of our 298 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,680 our container. And so I was like, I'm going to 299 00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,200 pull away from you. So it hurts less. 300 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:19,040 And we do this in relationships all the time, right? 301 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,920 So that's how low self esteem ruins relationships. 302 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,440 The 10th way is by keeping you in unhealthy or abusive 303 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:27,760 dynamics. When you don't believe that 304 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,080 you're worthy of being treated well, you'll tolerate behavior 305 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:34,920 that you shouldn't. You'll settle, you'll stay, you 306 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:37,760 rationalize, you'll cling to dysfunctional people because 307 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:41,640 they reinforce your negative self concept, and being with 308 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,760 someone healthier feels threatening because you're 309 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,760 convinced that they'll eventually reject you. 310 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,920 So you'll either over function trying to make a dead end 311 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:53,520 relationship work, or you'll stay far longer than you should 312 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:57,480 because leaving feels scarier than fucking suffering, right? 313 00:15:57,480 --> 00:16:01,640 The brain will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar 314 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:04,840 heaven. And the 11th way low self esteem 315 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,880 ruins relationships is that it becomes the lens through which 316 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:13,320 you interpret everything. Neutral moments feel 317 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:18,520 threatening, boundaries feel like rejection, independence 318 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:22,240 feels like abandonment. And instead of relating to 319 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:26,200 what's actually happening in front of you, you're reacting 320 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:30,440 from old wounds, old stories, old conditioning. 321 00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,040 So until yourself concept changes, right, your 322 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:37,360 relationships will just be the same thing on repeat. 323 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,480 If you don't fix relationships by trying harder or 324 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:44,200 communicating better, you fix them by changing how you see 325 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,480 yourself, right? So if you've been listening and 326 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:50,640 you're like, fuck me, this is me. 327 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:52,800 Or like, why does it feel like she's inside inside my 328 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:55,720 relationship? I want you to hear this clearly. 329 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,880 Nothing's wrong with you, but yourself concept is running the 330 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,240 show. And this is exactly the work 331 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:03,320 that we do inside the connected woman, right? 332 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,800 This is where we dismantle low self esteem at the root, not 333 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:09,960 just by talking about it, but actually embodying a different 334 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,240 self concept. It's where you stop over 335 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,160 functioning, you stop self abandoning, you stop contorting 336 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,560 and twisting yourself in diversions that feel acceptable, 337 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:21,760 and you actually learn how to show up securely, confidently 338 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:25,160 and unapologetically in love. So whether you're single or in a 339 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,680 relationship or a fucking situation ship, I don't know. 340 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:30,680 This is the work that changes everything because when you 341 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:34,080 change how you see yourself, your relationships have no 342 00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:38,160 choice but to change as well. So if you're done knowing better 343 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:41,520 but not doing better, right, you're done repeating the same 344 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,480 fucking shit with different people and you're ready to 345 00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,520 actually embody a different way of relating the connected woman 346 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:48,880 is your next step. You can find all the details in 347 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,320 the show notes or you can come say hi to me on Instagram and DM 348 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:55,040 me TCW and we can have a chat. All right guys, thanks for 349 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,400 hanging out with me today. I love you and I'll see you next 350 00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,680 week. All right, my love, let what 351 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:04,320 landed today actually land. Because this podcast is not just 352 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:07,880 here to inspire you. It is here to change you, your 353 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:10,640 standards, your patterns, your life. 354 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,320 And if you are done living on autopilot, you're done 355 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:14,920 shrinking. You're done repeating the same 356 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:18,520 fucking shit over and over. Let this be your reminder. 357 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:23,440 You are built for more. Unfucking your life is a choice 358 00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:27,320 you make every single day. And if you want to go deeper, 359 00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:30,080 come hang out with me on Instagram at Michelle Panning 360 00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:33,520 because that is where I share all of the raw stuff, the real 361 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:36,480 time shifts that I'm having in my life and everything that I am 362 00:18:36,480 --> 00:18:39,880 doing to raise my own standards to in life and in love. 363 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:42,600 I love you. I believe in your next level. 364 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:44,320 Go and fuck your life, babe.