Welcome to the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast, the show
where we are no longer just unfucking your love life, we are
unfucking your entire life. Because around here, we raise
standards, we break patterns, we do the shadow work, we upgrade
yourself concept, your boundaries, your confidence,
your relationships, your health, your Bunny, all of it.
There is no fluff here. There's no pretending, there's
no performing. Just radical, sometimes brutal
honesty, truth telling, and the kind of big sister best friend
energy that calls you the fuck forward.
So if you are ready to stop settling for the bare minimum
and you are finally ready to become the woman that you are so
proud to wake up as in the morning, you are in the right
place. So let's unfuck your life one
episode at a time. All right, now let's get into
today's episode. Hello, my loves.
Welcome back to the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast.
I'm your host, Michelle Panning, and this is episode 239.
And today we are talking about 11 ways that low self esteem
Ruins relationships. And I really want you to listen
to this episode. Not from a place of like, what
am I doing wrong? So not from a place of shame,
but from a place of curiosity, self honesty and self
responsibility. OK.
Like low self esteem doesn't just look like fucking hating
yourself or feeling insecure in obvious ways.
It hides behind being super chill, being the cool girl,
being understanding, being the bigger person, being self aware,
being, you know, low maintenance, right?
All of those things and a lot of the women listening to this
podcast. I, I see you guys, right.
You guys come into my DMS. I talk to you guys all the time.
You leave comments on Spotify on, on, you know, Apple
podcasts, all the things which I would love if you could leave me
a five star review on Apple podcasts.
The reviews there are slacking. So please, please, please, if
you got value out of this, like guys, I've put out now 239
episodes, please do me a solid and leave me a review and a
rating on Spotify. And then you can also leave
comments on Spotify and you can like request things if you want
to talk about, hear me talk about a certain thing.
So yeah, that really helps get the podcast out there.
Anyways, I talked to you guys, right?
I know that you are smart, emotionally intelligent, self
aware women, but you still find yourself stuck in the same
relationship patterns, wondering why the fuck nothing is
changing. So if that's you, stay with me.
OK? The first way that low self
esteem ruins relationships is that it makes you terrified of
conflict. When your self esteem is low,
conflict doesn't feel like just a normal part of intimacy and a
part of relationships. It feels like a threat to your
quote UN quote survival. Right.
Your nervous system equates disagreement with abandonment.
So instead of addressing issues when they're small and actually
workable, you swallow them, you rationalize them, you minimize
them, and then you just tell yourself like, oh, it's just not
that big of a deal, right? You convince yourself that
you're being mature, you're being the bigger person, but
actually you're really just fucking shit scared.
And the problem is that relationships don't get safer
when you avoid conflict. They actually get quite fragile
and brittle, right? So unspoken resentment doesn't
disappear, It starts to leak out into the relationship, right?
It comes out sideways in your tone, withdrawal in sarcasm, sex
starting to dry up, or random emotional explosions over shit
that doesn't even matter. The way that I see this, and
I've explained this, I talk about this in The Connected
Woman where it's like your shadows.
It's kind of like trying to hold a beach ball underwater.
It's like it takes so much energy energy to do that.
And then the second that you, you know, you're like, I think I
can take a break outcomes the beach ball, right?
So that's that's how it comes, right?
It's that unspoken resentment comes out all of those different
ways and conflict is actually how two people learn how to
dance together. And when you avoid it, you're
not protecting the relationship. You're actually slowly poisoning
it. Now the second way that low self
esteem ruins relationships is through overcompensating to earn
love, right? Low self esteem convinces you
that love is conditional, so you try to do the most to deserve
it, right? You over give, you over
function, you over accommodate, you over understand, you over
forgive. You're given constantly giving
the benefit of the doubt. You're always like one more
chance, even though they have had, you know, 19 different
chances before. So you abandoned your needs.
And then you tell yourself you're just easygoing or evolved
or you're just not needy like other women, right?
You become the chill girlfriend, the one who doesn't ask for
much, the one who prides herself on being low maintenance or
doesn't need anything from anyone.
But inside, you're fucking exhausted, right?
Because love has turned into this fucking performance.
And the shadow side of that is again, the resentment, right?
When you feel like you have to earn love, of course a part of
you is going to start resenting the other person that you're
fucking bending yourself into a goddamn pretzel for.
And then you don't even understand why you're pissed off
all the time. I know why you're pissed off all
the time because you're literally pretending that you
don't have needs and you're being like I'm so chill.
No no no no. The third way low self esteem
ruins relationships is that it makes you suppress your needs.
Kind of piggybacking off the last one, right?
So most people with low self esteem grew up in environments
where their needs were seen as inconvenient or they were
ignored or they were shamed. So they learned early that
wanting things made them bad or too much right?
You there was some sort of punishment for wanting something
or having needs. That conditioning doesn't
magically just disappear because you became an adult, right?
Just because you're 35 doesn't mean that it's gone, right?
It shows up as not saying what you need, not asking for
support, not expressing your preferences, and then feeling
disappointed when your partner doesn't magically read your
mind. This is actually something that
I have been leaning into so much more because I'm really like, if
you don't ask, you don't get. So for instance, just like
little things like Alex and I went out to, to this like really
bougie restaurant a week ago or two weeks ago or something and
her steak came, She had ordered medium rare and it was like
quite well done. And it's funny because Alex is
like, if you guys know Alex, she is like a, a manifestation and
business coach and she's all like fucking delusional self
concept and you can have anything.
I mean, you know, she's literally on her way to
$1,000,000 month right now, which is just crazy.
And she was like, it doesn't matter.
Like who cares? And I was like, no, you're
paying for the steak. You want, like you, you get to
have what you asked for. So I like, put my hand up and
like, you know, I called the waiter over and I'm like, hi, I
just wanted to, you know, I'm just, and I just shared like we
had asked, she had asked for medium rare and it's just a
little bit overdone. Is it possible that we could,
you know, get a, a, a new one? I don't know how I phrased it,
but essentially that. And they were like, Oh my gosh,
of course, yes, we will make that happen.
And then they ended up like covering the steak, which I
didn't think was going to happen.
We were totally happy to pay for the steak.
You know, it's like 770 or $80 or something.
And we were totally happy to pay for that.
And they were like, no, no, absolutely.
It's on us. You know, also I said in the
last episode, her we, I just moved.
So, you know, the removalists had like, they actually broke my
computer monitor, like broke the screen and this, the side of it
was like all cracked and everything.
And then they got dirt, like all over, like dirt and like rust.
I don't even know how. I don't even know how they
managed to do it, but it's got like rust stains like all over
my white couch and my white bed, like bed frame.
And again, Alex was like, oh, who cares?
Whatever, It doesn't matter. Like we'll just buy a new
monitor or you can just use it as is and you know, we'll just
clean the stains ourself. And I was like also, no, you
know, so I sent an e-mail, a very polite but direct e-mail,
and I was like, I would like to be compensated.
Here's the link for the monitor. And immediately they were like,
no problem, If you could just get us two to three different
quotes for the professional cleaning, we will be happy to go
from there. And we've transferred you $1000
for the monitor. Great, right.
So this is what I mean. It's like you can't be
disappointed when people don't magically read your fucking
mind, right? Here's the thing.
Needs don't disappear just because you suppress them,
right? They come out indirectly as
manipulation, passive aggression, emotional
withdrawal, or resentment. And manipulation isn't evil, by
the way. It's what happens when someone
doesn't feel safe being direct, but it will absolutely erode
trust and intimacy over time. If you're listening to this
thinking, why does it sound like she's literally in my head, then
it is time that you joined the connected woman.
This is the work that completely rewires how you show up in your
love life. If you're in a relationship,
this is how you stop repeating the same patterns over and over
again. You stop lashing out, you stop
shutting down, and you turn things around to the point where
your partner actually falls in love with you all over again.
And if you're single, this is how you stop choosing the same
person in a different body and actually attract someone who is
emotionally available, ready, is obsessed with you, and can meet
you from the very beginning. This is the end of I know
better, but I don't do better. This is the point where these
patterns are stopped for good. If you know you're ready for
this work, you know what to do. The link will be in the
description. Join the Connected woman today.
Let's get back to the episode. The fourth way Low self esteem
ruins relationships is through constant reassurance seeking
that never actually lands. When yourself esteem is low, no
amount of reassurance ever feels like enough because it's being
poured into a self concept that has holes in it.
It's like I said, this declines before where I'm like, OK, cool.
Who relies on external validation?
Like, yeah, yeah, I'm like, have you ever gotten to a point where
you have had so much external validation that you're like,
yeah, I'm good. I feel set for life now.
No. Right.
So when you have a partner and it's like they tell you they
love you and your nervous system immediately goes, yeah, but do
you really? Right.
They show up consistently and you still scan for signs that
they're pulling away. Over time, the other person
starts to feel questioned, doubted, and like nothing they
do is ever enough. And it is fucking exhausting to
feel like you are constantly trying to fill up a cup that has
no bucking bottom. And eventually this dynamic
creates distance, which then reinforces your fear of
abandonment. Vicious fucking cycle, am I
right? The fifth way low self esteem
ruins relationships is by making you inauthentic.
When you don't believe that you are enough as you are, you edit
yourself right. You present the version of you
that you think will be accepted, desired, approved of whatever it
is. You will hide your opinions, You
will hide your preferences. You will hide your edges, your
truth, your needs. And then you wonder why you feel
unseen and unfulfilled. You cannot feel true belonging
in a relationship where you're not actually being yourself.
And then when the real you inevitably starts to emerge,
because it will, it's literally unsustainable to keep on this
mask forever. It often creates conflict or
rupture because the relationship was built on a fucking false
premise. And that's not because you're
bad or you're a dishonest person.
It's because low self esteem taught you that your
authenticity wasn't safe, Right? I love what Gabor Matte says of
when a child is faced between the choice between being
authentic and keeping their attachment, they will choose
attachment every single time. You don't just grow out of that.
So the sixth way is it ruins relationships through an
inferiority complex. So when you see yourself as less
than, you stop trusting your own decisions, your instincts, your
leadership, all the things. You start to defer to your
partner for everything and you hand over responsibility for the
direction of your relationship and your life because deep down
you do not trust yourself to choose correctly.
You're so fucking terrified of making the wrong decision that
you just sit in indecision or you're like, what should I do,
what should I do, what should I do?
And this creates an unbalanced dynamic where your partner
carries all the weight, all the decision making, all the
direction. And that doesn't feel good for
anyone. And that often leads to
resentment, power imbalances, or narcissistic dynamics where
there's essentially no you showing up in the relationship.
The 7th way low self esteem ruins relationships is through
jealousy and control, right? Jealousy at its core is the fear
of losing something that you value.
But low self esteem turns that fear into hyper vigilance and
suspicion. Everybody becomes a threat.
Other women, friends, Co workers, exes, strangers on
Instagram, right? And this can show up as
monitoring behavior, discouraging your partner's
independence, creating emotional consequences when your partner
engages with others, or having like subtle isolation tactics
that slowly shrink their world. None of this creates safety.
None of this creates trust. It creates resentment, secrecy,
and emotional suffocation. The eighth way low self esteem
ruins relationship is through conflict avoidance disguised as
peacekeeping, right? You tell yourself that you're
just calm, understanding, emotionally regulated, but
actually you're just avoiding difficult conversations because
you don't believe the relationship can survive them.
And the problem is that unresolved issues don't stay
small. They escalate, they get bigger.
It's turning a, you know, a molehill into a mountain, right?
And what could have been a simple conversation, it
eventually turns into these massive ruptures or breaches of
trust or emotional explosions that feel fucking impossible to
repair. So conflict is not what breaks
relationships. Lack of repair, avoiding
conflict is what breaks relationships.
The 9th way low self esteem ruins relationships is by
withdrawing entirely. When you believe relationships
will inevitably end in rejection or pain, what will happen is
you'll preemptively pull away, right?
You reject others before you, they can reject you.
You isolate to stay in control of your pain.
And whilst loneliness hurts for many people, it's actually it
feels safer than vulnerability. And this reinforces the belief
that you're unlovable and keeps you stuck in deprivation instead
of intimacy. And I've even experienced this
with like clients. And I experienced this as a
client. I was actually sharing with one
of my clients the other day at the retreats.
So a couple weeks ago, how I, I had a personal coach years ago,
gosh, I don't know, six years ago or something.
And I remember when our container was coming to an end
and I started like leaning out of the container.
I stopped messaging her and all the things.
And I realized it was because I was pre empting the end of our
our container. And so I was like, I'm going to
pull away from you. So it hurts less.
And we do this in relationships all the time, right?
So that's how low self esteem ruins relationships.
The 10th way is by keeping you in unhealthy or abusive
dynamics. When you don't believe that
you're worthy of being treated well, you'll tolerate behavior
that you shouldn't. You'll settle, you'll stay, you
rationalize, you'll cling to dysfunctional people because
they reinforce your negative self concept, and being with
someone healthier feels threatening because you're
convinced that they'll eventually reject you.
So you'll either over function trying to make a dead end
relationship work, or you'll stay far longer than you should
because leaving feels scarier than fucking suffering, right?
The brain will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar
heaven. And the 11th way low self esteem
ruins relationships is that it becomes the lens through which
you interpret everything. Neutral moments feel
threatening, boundaries feel like rejection, independence
feels like abandonment. And instead of relating to
what's actually happening in front of you, you're reacting
from old wounds, old stories, old conditioning.
So until yourself concept changes, right, your
relationships will just be the same thing on repeat.
If you don't fix relationships by trying harder or
communicating better, you fix them by changing how you see
yourself, right? So if you've been listening and
you're like, fuck me, this is me.
Or like, why does it feel like she's inside inside my
relationship? I want you to hear this clearly.
Nothing's wrong with you, but yourself concept is running the
show. And this is exactly the work
that we do inside the connected woman, right?
This is where we dismantle low self esteem at the root, not
just by talking about it, but actually embodying a different
self concept. It's where you stop over
functioning, you stop self abandoning, you stop contorting
and twisting yourself in diversions that feel acceptable,
and you actually learn how to show up securely, confidently
and unapologetically in love. So whether you're single or in a
relationship or a fucking situation ship, I don't know.
This is the work that changes everything because when you
change how you see yourself, your relationships have no
choice but to change as well. So if you're done knowing better
but not doing better, right, you're done repeating the same
fucking shit with different people and you're ready to
actually embody a different way of relating the connected woman
is your next step. You can find all the details in
the show notes or you can come say hi to me on Instagram and DM
me TCW and we can have a chat. All right guys, thanks for
hanging out with me today. I love you and I'll see you next
week. All right, my love, let what
landed today actually land. Because this podcast is not just
here to inspire you. It is here to change you, your
standards, your patterns, your life.
And if you are done living on autopilot, you're done
shrinking. You're done repeating the same
fucking shit over and over. Let this be your reminder.
You are built for more. Unfucking your life is a choice
you make every single day. And if you want to go deeper,
come hang out with me on Instagram at Michelle Panning
because that is where I share all of the raw stuff, the real
time shifts that I'm having in my life and everything that I am
doing to raise my own standards to in life and in love.
I love you. I believe in your next level.
Go and fuck your life, babe.