1 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:10,600 Welcome to the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast. 2 00:00:10,920 --> 00:00:14,640 I'm Michelle Panning, your host, mindset and embodiment coach and 3 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:18,040 mentor Trigger Queen, and founder of the Connected Woman 4 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,760 program. Think of me as your new ride or 5 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:24,120 die that's going to help you unfuck your relationships with 6 00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:29,800 love, sex, business, and money. And just so you know, I 7 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,840 absolutely will not be blowing smoke up your ass just to make 8 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,640 you feel better. I just wanted to let you in on 9 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,320 that. So this is a space where I'm 10 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:40,240 going to be helping you have high as fuck standards for the 11 00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:42,160 way that you lead your life and business. 12 00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:45,680 I'm going to be sharing thought provoking conversations, potent 13 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,800 and direct truth bombs, and I'm going to take you behind the 14 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:52,840 scenes of my life and the lessons that I'm learning so you 15 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:56,040 don't have to. I genuinely want the women who 16 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:58,200 come into my world through listening to this podcast to 17 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,720 have it all because I don't believe in settling for 18 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:05,080 mediocrity because that's just not a reality in my world. 19 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:08,080 And I don't think it has to be a reality in your world either. 20 00:01:08,080 --> 00:01:12,520 So strap yourself in, get comfy, and let's fucking go. 21 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,320 Hello, my loves, welcome back to the Unfuck Your Relationships 22 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:23,160 podcast. I'm your host, Michelle Panning, 23 00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:27,440 and this is episode 211. So I know this is going to be a 24 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:30,840 very, very, very popular episode because we are going to be 25 00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:35,120 diving into how to actually become secure. 26 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:41,040 There's a lot of fluff and all of the things out there, but 27 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:44,960 we're really going to dive into the actual tangible shifts that 28 00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:49,200 you need to make that are going to actually help you come into 29 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:56,400 being a secure woman. Now, I have to say, I love that 30 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,920 you listen to the podcast. This is amazing. 31 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:03,720 Share it with all your friends. But just listening to a podcast 32 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:07,200 or watching a YouTube video or reading a book is not enough. 33 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,800 And if you have listened to any of the interviews that I have 34 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:13,480 done with my clients, you will find a common thread where they 35 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:17,200 talk about how embodiment has been the key for them actually 36 00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:20,040 becoming secure. I've had women take the 37 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:23,360 connector women 234 times and they skipped out on the 38 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,800 embodiment calls and then they finally did them and they were 39 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:30,880 like, Oh my God, I see why you put them in there now because 40 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:34,760 they're actually life changing and they are the difference 41 00:02:34,760 --> 00:02:39,880 between you repeating the same cycles over and over versus 42 00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:43,040 actually becoming a secure woman. 43 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:46,200 It's not just the things that you talk about or the shifts 44 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:50,200 that you plan to make that, you know, I plan to join a program. 45 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:55,320 I plan to go to the gym, I plan to invest in myself, I plan to 46 00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,960 go to the retreat. That's all well and good, but 47 00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:02,560 until you actually make those shifts and commit, nothing 48 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:06,400 actually changes. And it is the shifts that 49 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:09,680 happened on a day-to-day basis when no one is watching. 50 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:13,120 Those are the shifts that add up to make a change. 51 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:16,080 Like if you were to think about weight loss, for instance. 52 00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:21,400 It's you choosing to stick to your meal plan when you really 53 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:24,360 want to get Uber Eats. It's choosing to go for a walk 54 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:25,800 when you want to sit on the couch. 55 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,000 It's choosing to go to the gym when you'd rather watch Netflix, 56 00:03:29,360 --> 00:03:31,480 right? And no one's clapping for you, 57 00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,000 no one's applauding you, no one's patting you on the back 58 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:38,640 and saying like, good job 24/7. And it's the same with this 59 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:41,800 Becoming a secure woman in your love life, in your 60 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:45,160 relationships, in your connection with yourself is not 61 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:50,800 found in A1 off thing. It's like you have this big kind 62 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,480 of epiphany, these aha moments. This could be from the podcast, 63 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,240 This could be from you coming to the retreat. 64 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:58,080 Like that is literally fucking 20 years of therapy condensed 65 00:03:58,080 --> 00:03:59,720 into three days. Let me tell you. 66 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,320 And you have that. And then it's the subtle shifts 67 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,760 that you make on a day-to-day basis, the shifts that we're 68 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:09,680 going to be talking about today in this episode that add up. 69 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:13,560 And you look back in a year's time and you're like, I'm a 70 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:16,000 completely different person. Like that is wild. 71 00:04:16,160 --> 00:04:24,280 OK, so I want to start with talking about attachment styles 72 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:28,000 and what attachment is really about. 73 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:32,040 And this episode is really for the emotionally intelligent 74 00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:33,240 woman. Like you've done work. 75 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:35,160 If you're listening to this, you've done some work, right? 76 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,160 But somehow you still lose yourself in relationships or you 77 00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:40,720 attract partners who can't meet you or you run from 78 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,200 relationships. You keep self sabotaging and 79 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,920 you're like, Oh my God, I know better. 80 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:49,400 Why can I not do better? So I want to talk about that and 81 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:52,520 I want to start with attachment of what attachment is really 82 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:56,000 about because your attachment style is not your identity. 83 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,600 Can I just say that's the first thing? 84 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:04,200 I see this so often. I'm anxiously attached, I'm 85 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:09,280 avoided, he's avoided, She's anxious, she's disorganized, all 86 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,560 of the things and like slapping these labels on. 87 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:15,360 And whilst these can be helpful to give us context, you know, 88 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,720 this was one of the first things if you listen to my very first 89 00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,520 episode when I got broken up with on the way back from a 90 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:22,720 tarot reading that said I was going to be with this man for 91 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:24,680 the rest of my life when I did that. 92 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:28,240 And then I went to Thailand right before my therapist at the 93 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,920 time had given me the book attached. 94 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:33,920 And so I read that and I was like, Oh my gosh, it gave me so 95 00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:37,800 much language and articulation for how I showed up. 96 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:41,120 And that book really focuses on anxious attachment. 97 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:45,320 So, you know, it's great. But throughout the years, I 98 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:48,200 really saw that I was actually more fearful avoidant or 99 00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:51,800 disorganized or anxious avoidant, however you want to 100 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:55,680 call it so. But before I recognize all this 101 00:05:55,680 --> 00:06:00,440 and I did this work, I really saw how I was hiding behind this 102 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,240 label of being anxiously attached. 103 00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:04,640 I act like this because I have anxious attachment. 104 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:07,840 I attract avoidant men because I have anxious attachment. 105 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:12,320 There was no responsibility on my end to do anything 106 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,680 differently because I have anxious attachment, right? 107 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:18,000 He doesn't have to do anything, but he's avoided. 108 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:21,480 So it's the same thing where it's like, I'm going to give you 109 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:26,480 some language and articulation, but don't use this as a get out 110 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,440 of jail free card for you to act however you want. 111 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:33,680 We still get to exercise choice, clock it, own it, clean it up. 112 00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:38,200 We still get to take responsibility for ourselves and 113 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:41,160 there are plenty of people I've worked with thousands of women 114 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:44,720 and I've done it myself to shift from being anxious to avoid and 115 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,200 to secure, not necessary. Sorry, not in that order. 116 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,640 I just I just are avoided to being secure. 117 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:55,520 OK, So if you learned it, which an attachment style is learned, 118 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,880 you can unlearn it. And that's really what the work 119 00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:01,040 when you come into my world, that's what you're doing, 120 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,600 whether it's listening to this podcast, following me on 121 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:06,720 Instagram or TikTok, working with me at the connected woman 122 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:09,200 come into the restricts, whatever it is, It's about 123 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:11,480 unlearning all the shit that told you. 124 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,360 This is who you are, this is who you have to be. 125 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:18,080 And you actually designing and Co creating a life with God or 126 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:21,320 the universe or whatever you believe in to show up in the way 127 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:24,840 that you want to show up. And so I say the secure woman as 128 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:29,080 kind of a like an archetype or like a reference point for you 129 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,760 to me. And that secure woman could look 130 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,960 different for you. And I so really feel into like 131 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,160 what you're secure woman is that I digress. 132 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:37,280 And I have whole episodes on this. 133 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,400 I'm not going to go like too, too too deep into it. 134 00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,840 I just want to give you like a kind of brief overview of what 135 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:45,120 this feels like, right? It can feel like you're gasping 136 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,480 for air when love is distant, right? 137 00:07:47,480 --> 00:07:51,000 When someone when you feel like someone is pulling away or 138 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:56,560 they're not like 100% consistent and your level of consistency is 139 00:07:56,560 --> 00:08:00,960 unreasonable of what you expect in a relationship is 140 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:04,720 unreasonable. Whereas a secure person feels 141 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,800 like they're OK with closeness and they're OK with space and 142 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:12,120 they have reasonable levels for both, right? 143 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,800 So if someone with anxious attachment has an unreasonably 144 00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:19,280 high expectation for the level of closeness they want to 145 00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:22,440 experience. And so you will start to freak 146 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,760 out if you feel like someone's pulling away. 147 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:29,800 And The thing is, is that they may not be pulling away, but if 148 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:33,280 you even perceive that, you'll start leaning in even harder. 149 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:36,120 And then that could but even force a secure person to start 150 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:38,919 leaning away. I know that even when you know, 151 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:42,120 I started to become secure, if I feel someone like desperately 152 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,840 grasping and hanging on to me, it can actually shift me into a 153 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:49,520 little bit of avoidance. And you know, that can happen, 154 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,640 right? Someone who has anxious 155 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,720 attachment will over function a lot. 156 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:58,960 So you'll you know, if your partner's giving 5%, you'll give 157 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:03,440 95% and you're like, look, 100% of a relationship. 158 00:09:03,560 --> 00:09:06,640 Yay girl math. No, babe, not girl math. 159 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:10,040 That's just not a sustainable relationship, right? 160 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,400 And in that you will overly take responsibility. 161 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:17,720 You'll over function, you'll over apologize, you know, and 162 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:20,200 and then you become resentful, of course. 163 00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:25,000 And you will ignore red flags in the beginning because the 164 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,280 connection feels so good. And you'll hear this a lot. 165 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,480 Like, when it's good, it's good. You know, it's like, yeah. 166 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,840 But when it's bad, it's really fucking bad, babe. 167 00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:37,360 Yeah. And the connection feels like 168 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:43,280 oxygen, like your your tie to this person feels like a need, 169 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,560 not a desire. Which then brings into the next 170 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:50,920 point of you mistake anxiety for chemistry, right? 171 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:56,200 Those butterflies in your tummy that like that giddiness. 172 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,960 And don't get me wrong, you always you want to feel excited 173 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:02,000 about someone that you're dating, but you really that like 174 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:09,160 up, down inconsistency, pulling away that is intoxicating to 175 00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,240 someone with anxious, anxious attachment. 176 00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:16,520 And you really equated that love equals proving yourself in 177 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:21,800 whatever way, proving that you are worthy, proving that you can 178 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:25,240 take care of them, proving that you can heal them, proving that 179 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:29,120 you're a good person, proving that you can be the person that 180 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:31,600 they've always needed. And this is you're going to be 181 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,320 the person to heal their heart and La La, La, La. 182 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:38,600 And you have based your entire sense of self worth on how 183 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:44,000 needed you feel by another person, specifically an 184 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,920 avoidance. Which brings me to the 185 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:53,520 dismissive avoidance. OK, so just the the anxious 186 00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:58,160 avoider, the anxious attachment has a deep fear of abandonment, 187 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:00,240 right? And this is what people get 188 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,280 wrong about dismissive avoidance. 189 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:05,400 Well, I'll all attachment styles minus secure, right? 190 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,360 There's a deep fear of abandonment for a dismissive 191 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:12,840 avoidant as well. But it is so great that the 192 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:16,760 dismissive avoidant is not even willing to lean in at all, 193 00:11:17,360 --> 00:11:20,840 right? So they're not willing to face 194 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:25,560 off with their desire for intimacy because the fear of 195 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,760 abandonment is so great that they're like no, no, no, no. 196 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,880 So what happens is they do crave connection. 197 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,560 That's a common misconception about someone with dismissive 198 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:37,880 avoidant attachment is that they don't crave connection. 199 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,360 That's not true. They've crave connection, but 200 00:11:40,360 --> 00:11:44,240 only on their terms because their deepest fear, whilst the 201 00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:48,000 deepest fear of the person who's anxious is being abandoned, the 202 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:52,560 deepest fear of the dismissive avoidance is being engulfed, 203 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:56,000 right. So having someone take up all of 204 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,360 their space and they lose themselves in another person, 205 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,520 they're very, very protective of their freedom, of their 206 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:06,480 autonomy, of their sovereignty. And so yes, they want 207 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:09,200 connection, but they want it on their terms. 208 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:15,200 You only want it on your terms, and that pairs with an anxious 209 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:18,440 attacher who's willing to completely fucking give up all 210 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,360 of their terms just to be with you. 211 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:25,240 So you can imagine how they go together, really, you know, like 212 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,520 a moth, like a flame, a moth to a flame. 213 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:32,800 And if you have dismissive avoidant attachment, you will 214 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:36,920 constantly be keeping 1 foot out the door so you're never fully 215 00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:41,760 in and constantly. You may fantasize about previous 216 00:12:41,760 --> 00:12:45,320 relationships. You may fantasize about what it 217 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:49,320 would be like for you to be on your own or for you to be with 218 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:53,720 someone else, or really penciling and fantasizing about 219 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:58,960 this quote UN quote perfect partner who is going to meet 220 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,360 your needs for space and freedom. 221 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:04,160 Or that you're going to meet this perfect person. 222 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:07,280 And then you won't have that need for space and freedom 223 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,200 because you'll just be like, oh, so rather than actually taking 224 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,680 accountability and responsibility for your own 225 00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:16,200 avoidance of not wanting to lean into a relationship out of 226 00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:20,400 fucking fear, you're like, Oh no, no, no, it's you. 227 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:24,120 You're the problem. You're too anxious and so you 228 00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:26,360 will pawn off your responsibility. 229 00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,120 Everyone does this right? The anxious attacher is pawning 230 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:33,040 off their responsibility here. You're supposed to make me 231 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:36,320 happy, right? The avoidant is person is going 232 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:40,080 don't make me unhappy. So don't have needs please, 233 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,360 because that makes me feel engulfed. 234 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:47,120 That makes me feel unmeshed. When you, when you're upset, I 235 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,840 feel responsible for your emotions and then I panic and I 236 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:54,040 walk away, right. So this person will start to 237 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:58,120 find faults like you'll, you'll find faults in other people. 238 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:02,320 You will find ways to withdraw your energy, physically, 239 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:05,360 emotionally, mentally, sexually, all the ways. 240 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:08,840 And you really use your independence as a shield, right? 241 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:13,360 I'm so independent and you say that you don't care, but you 242 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:17,120 secretly hope that someone is going to breakthrough this fall, 243 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,680 right? Again, that perfect person which 244 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:23,160 does not fucking exist. And so this person will 245 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:28,880 consistently prematurely leave relationships and the anxious 246 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:32,960 person will consistently overstay in relationships. 247 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:37,440 Then you have the fearful avoided, which is what I 248 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:41,760 discovered that I was because once I got into a relationship 249 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:45,480 with someone who was more secure, I was like, Oh my 250 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,560 fucking God. I don't have someone who's 251 00:14:47,560 --> 00:14:50,720 avoided who I have to constantly pursue. 252 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:54,960 He's just here. I met my own avoidance and I was 253 00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,040 like, ow. It turns out I'm deeply afraid 254 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,600 of being seen. I'm deeply afraid of intimacy. 255 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:04,240 I'm afraid of the consistency that is required in a 256 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,840 relationship. I'm afraid of having to actually 257 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,600 fucking show up for something, right? 258 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,280 So this is called the fearful avoidant. 259 00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,880 Or you could also, if it's easier for you, you could just 260 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,280 call this anxious avoidant, right? 261 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:19,600 It's because it's both. And really, if I could sum this 262 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:24,120 up in a sentence, it's come here, go away, right? 263 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,680 There's a book now, it's about borderline personality disorder, 264 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,960 so that's a different issue altogether, but it's a book 265 00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,800 called I Hate You Don't Leave Me. 266 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:36,440 And that's really what like a fearful avoidant is feeling 267 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:40,800 like. Don't leave me but also get the 268 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:45,760 fuck away from me, OK? And so this is one of the most 269 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,920 turbulent attachment styles to be in a relationship with 270 00:15:50,440 --> 00:15:53,160 because there's a lot of inconsistency. 271 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:56,760 There's a lot of up and down, there's a lot of push and pull. 272 00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:02,320 And you, if you have this style, you really fling between 273 00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:06,680 clinging and shutting down and it can feel very disorienting. 274 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:13,160 I know for me it's felt like a curse to have it, you know, to 275 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:17,200 be like fuck, like I just feel like I'm so unpredictable. 276 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:21,280 And of course this comes from being raised in an unpredictable 277 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:26,560 environment, but I've had to do a lot of work to be OK with 278 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,800 closeness and with space. So it's, you know, the 279 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:32,560 dismissive avoided is working on OK, how can I be OK with 280 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,360 closeness because they're good with space. 281 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,760 The anxious person is like, how can I be OK with space? 282 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,120 Because they're good with closeness. 283 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,360 They're like, can't get enough, whereas the disorganized or the 284 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:47,560 fearful avoidant needs both. And so they're like, OK, I need 285 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:53,040 to become OK with closeness and I need to be OK with space. 286 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:57,720 Because the fearful avoidant is terrified of being alone. 287 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:00,000 They're terrified of being fully seen. 288 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:03,360 But it's also their deepest desire because at the core of 289 00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:07,839 the fearful avoidant, their deepest fear is around betrayal. 290 00:17:08,359 --> 00:17:12,800 And when I learned this, this is so pertinent to my journey. 291 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:18,720 This was so true because I saw where I was hyper vigilant of 292 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,480 where people would let me down. This was not just romantic 293 00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,119 relationships. This was family. 294 00:17:23,119 --> 00:17:26,119 This was friends. This was clients, mentors, 295 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:32,400 anyone, anyone. It was like, I know that I'm 296 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,840 going to be let down. I know that someone is going to 297 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:38,040 betray me. And so I would be hyper vigilant 298 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:42,840 to any sort, any kind of like lying or withholding of the 299 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:47,360 truth or anything. And eventually I would sabotage 300 00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,720 my relationships because of that. 301 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:54,480 Now it's also a superpower because you know, I was just, I 302 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:59,680 had a friend around a few months ago and we were, you know, just 303 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,600 chatting and whatever. And then as she was leaving, I 304 00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,840 noticed something was off with her. 305 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,960 And I was like, are you OK? She's like, yeah, I'm fine. 306 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,320 I'm like, Are you sure? Because I can sense that 307 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,840 something's off. And she's like, why are you so 308 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:15,080 good at this? Like, how do you always just 309 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:17,240 know? And I was like, drama. 310 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:21,920 I'm hyper vigilant to any sort of shift or change in 311 00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:24,440 environment. So it's a superpower. 312 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:28,640 And it was also something that I had to to shift from being in 313 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,080 the shadows to being integrated and something that I could 314 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,800 actually leverage. That would be really helpful. 315 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:37,080 And if you want to kind of speak like a love language of the 316 00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:40,400 fearful avoidance is to be deeply known, right? 317 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:44,880 They want to be deeply known. And this is also the shadow of 318 00:18:44,880 --> 00:18:47,560 this love language is they want to be deeply known, but they 319 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,960 don't want to have to fucking tell you anything, right? 320 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,200 They don't want to have they want you to. 321 00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:55,520 It's like I want you to read my mind, right? 322 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:58,840 And that's how I was operating when I was operating from the 323 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,760 fearful avoidant attachment. And so if this is you, you 324 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:05,960 really expect people to anticipate your needs, to read 325 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,520 your mind, but you're also afraid of being seen. 326 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,560 You believe that everyone's going to betray you. 327 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,640 And so you can imagine there's a lot of self sabotage happening 328 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:14,800 here. All right? 329 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,320 If you have been craving a full body transformation that goes 330 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,000 well beyond just listening to a podcast, then I have just a 331 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,920 thing for you. The Awakening retreats are where 332 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:27,160 we go so fucking deep. Like crack the fuck open and 333 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:29,480 come home to the truth of who you are. 334 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:32,720 Kennedy, these are two retreats that run back-to-back and 335 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,160 they're designed to take you on a full spectrum journey. 336 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,880 So Awakening her is for the woman who's ready to come home 337 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:41,640 to her body, her softness, and her power to heal her 338 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:44,840 relationship with the feminine and finally stop outsourcing her 339 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,560 worth. And then awakening him is for 340 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,560 the woman who is ready to heal her relationship with men, the 341 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:55,160 masculine, and with rusting that you will be held. 342 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,280 These were treats of where shadow work meets sisterhood, 343 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:03,240 where pain turns into power, where depth meets devotion, and 344 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,720 where embodiment does what mindset never fucking could. 345 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,520 So this is where your softness and your fierceness get to 346 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,440 coexist. You will not be the same woman 347 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:17,280 who walked in, not after her. Not after him, not after facing 348 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:20,800 yourself so fucking deeply that you finally see who's been there 349 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,640 all along. You're going to walk out of 350 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:28,200 these retreats softer, stronger, clearer, more magnetic, and more 351 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,720 you than ever before. And if you've been waiting for 352 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:34,720 the perfect time, the perfect sign, the perfect moment, the 353 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,800 perfect whatever, this is it. Let's do the damn thing. 354 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,520 And just so you know, the closer that we get to the start date, 355 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:45,200 which is January 2026, the shorter the payment plans 356 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,600 become. So if that's important to you, 357 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,520 do not wait. The private rooms sell out 358 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,760 almost immediately. And so if you want a specific 359 00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:58,800 room, you're going to want to get in there as soon as you can. 360 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:02,320 These retreats are designed to do them as a bundle. 361 00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:06,280 You can do one on their own, but I highly highly, highly 362 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:10,120 recommend that you do both so you get the full spectrum 363 00:21:10,280 --> 00:21:12,440 treatment. The link will be in the show 364 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,520 notes and if you have any questions, DM me on Instagram at 365 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:17,680 Michelle Panning. Otherwise, I can't wait to see 366 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,440 you there. Now let's get back to the 367 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,320 episode. Then we come into secure 368 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:24,840 attachment, which is what we are cultivating here. 369 00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:30,120 And this is the premise of this is that you are OK with 370 00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:38,400 closeness and space right now. This is not to say you should be 371 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:42,640 fine spending every single day, every single moment, every 372 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,320 minute, every second with your partner breathing down your 373 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:47,720 neck. And you should also be fine with 374 00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,200 not speaking to your partner for three weeks on end. 375 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:56,800 No, it's like, obviously we have limitations or, you know, 376 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:59,320 certain standards or boundaries that you're going to have for 377 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,440 your own relationship, and that's perfect. 378 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:06,040 But you really feel like you're not worried if you don't hear 379 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,920 from your the guy that you're talking to for like hours. 380 00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,320 Do you know what I mean? You're not worried that he's 381 00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:16,280 going to cheat on you if he goes on a boys night out or you know, 382 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:19,720 he's working late or whatever. Obviously this goes without 383 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,520 saying, but if they haven't cheated on you before, if there 384 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,600 has been betrayal in this current relationship, then 385 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:29,360 that's a different story. You know you're not constantly 386 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:33,480 worried that they're going to abandon you with no sign that 387 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,160 that's actually going to happen, right? 388 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:35,560 You. You. 389 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,400 Actually you. If you're secure, you can 390 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:44,360 receive love without feeling the need to earn it or to prove 391 00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:47,520 yourself. You stay really rooted in 392 00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:50,040 yourself even when things feel uncertain. 393 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:53,600 You understand that your partner is someone that you can depend 394 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:57,720 on, that that's an OK thing that you would expect that your 395 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:00,520 partner is someone that you can depend on, that you can rely on. 396 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:03,440 You don't spiral with every mood shift. 397 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,720 You just, you know, I hear this all the time. 398 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:08,520 I don't know why I'm angry. I don't know why I'm sad. 399 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,080 And I'm like, who cares? You're having an emotion, just 400 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,960 feel it. I was at my osteo the other day 401 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:17,680 and I've hurt my right rotator cuff, like my shoulder. 402 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:21,480 And so he was working on it. And I was like face down in the 403 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:22,840 massage table. And I just said, I'm just 404 00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:23,800 letting you know I'm going to cry. 405 00:23:23,800 --> 00:23:28,000 And it was like, OK. And I was sharing that with a 406 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,440 friend and she was like, oh, like, what? 407 00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:30,920 What came up for you? Why are you crying? 408 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,760 I was like, I don't know. I just felt like I had tears. 409 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:38,440 And so I just let the tears go and I don't ask myself why I'm 410 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,960 crying. Sometimes I it might be obvious 411 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,200 or I might get a little bit curious about something, but I 412 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:44,800 don't need that. I don't feel the need to 413 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:48,440 rationalize every emotion or sensation that I have, right? 414 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,400 Someone with secure attachment. You feel like you can express 415 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:54,120 your needs without feeling shame. 416 00:23:54,120 --> 00:23:55,760 You don't feel ashamed for your needs. 417 00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:57,640 You don't feel ashamed for your desires. 418 00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:00,640 You don't feel ashamed for having standards or setting 419 00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:02,760 boundaries. You're comfortable being told 420 00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:05,040 no. You're comfortable saying no. 421 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:09,720 And at the end of it, you're not performing, you're just being. 422 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:15,840 You're just existing, right? And that's really all of this is 423 00:24:15,840 --> 00:24:18,040 what we cultivate in the connected woman, right? 424 00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:22,080 And the retreats like it's such a big, big part of this. 425 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:27,640 And so then what? How did we then come into being 426 00:24:27,640 --> 00:24:29,920 secure? If you've recognized that you're 427 00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:33,000 one of the first three attachment styles, what do we 428 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,560 do? Well, we move into healthy 429 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:39,760 detachment, which is not not giving a shit, which is where 430 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:42,720 more people, they get stuck, right? 431 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:47,720 Because they think that if I practice healthy detachment, I 432 00:24:47,720 --> 00:24:50,880 mean, I don't care, which is not true. 433 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,280 Detachment doesn't mean that you stop caring. 434 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:57,160 It doesn't mean that you ghost someone or you suppress what 435 00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:00,760 you're feeling or you. Yeah, yeah. 436 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,080 You, you go numb or you, like, put your feelings aside or you 437 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:08,600 act like you're above and all or whatever real detachment is. 438 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:14,120 I can care deeply and stay deeply connected to myself, 439 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,680 right? Which is where the anxious and 440 00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:21,840 avoided both struggle. How can I care about someone and 441 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,560 stay connected? Because the anxious is like, I 442 00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:26,640 care so much. I'm going to be all about you. 443 00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:29,960 The person who is avoided is like, I care so deeply. 444 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:31,440 I'm afraid of getting lost in you. 445 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:35,840 So I'm going to be all about me. And so really secure energy is I 446 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:40,200 can care deeply about you and stay connected to myself. 447 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:45,520 It's also being able to hold the duality of wanting someone 448 00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:49,560 without collapsing when things feel uncertain, right? 449 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:54,240 So it's being able to communicate and share and ask 450 00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:59,000 questions and hold discomfort. And following on from that, the 451 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:02,880 detachment is being able to stay in your body even when 452 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:06,280 everything in you is screaming, fix it, fix it, fix it. 453 00:26:06,280 --> 00:26:08,400 Oh my God, You need to. You need to. 454 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:10,640 You need to lock him down. You need to secure a 455 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:12,240 relationship. You need to get this. 456 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:15,080 You need to. You don't become secure by 457 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,920 building walls. You don't become secure by 458 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:22,280 panicking. You don't become secure by 459 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:26,120 needing to scramble and get some false sense of security. 460 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:30,400 You become secure by building your capacity. 461 00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:34,240 OK, so now I'm going to talk about the four secure woman 462 00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:38,880 shifts that I made in order to become secure and that I would 463 00:26:39,120 --> 00:26:42,920 recommend that you make as well. So this is not about creating an 464 00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:46,160 entirely new identity and like needing to get a new password. 465 00:26:46,160 --> 00:26:50,400 That's not what this is. Although you may become 466 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,480 unrecognizable throughout this process, but like I said at the 467 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:57,560 beginning, this is not about a one and done thing that you're 468 00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,120 going to listen to this one podcast and it's going to change 469 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:03,240 your life and you're not going to have to participate ever. 470 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:08,600 This is about having these micro recalibrations that actually 471 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,440 allow you to show up differently. 472 00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:14,240 So then you look back in a month, three months, six months, 473 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:18,560 a year, five years, and you're like, wow, you'll read your 474 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:21,280 journal entries like let this be the thing, right? 475 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:24,480 Look back in a year from now and read your journal entries and be 476 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,360 like, I cannot believe that that's even how I used to see 477 00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:29,200 things. Like I think about that now. 478 00:27:29,680 --> 00:27:35,240 Wow, I can't believe that I used to do that or believe that or 479 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:38,200 say that or I used to act like that or whatever it is, right? 480 00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:43,440 So the first shift is to move from performance to presence. 481 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:49,080 And what I mean by this is that if you're constantly managing 482 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:52,880 the dynamic between you and another person, you're always 483 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:56,840 trying to say the right thing or you're trying to be agreeable or 484 00:27:56,840 --> 00:28:00,880 you're trying to keep the peace, you're not actually connecting, 485 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:06,520 you're not building intimacy and relationships are built healthy 486 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,920 relationships, I will add, are built on a foundation of 487 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:14,400 honesty, vulnerability, connection, intimacy. 488 00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:19,280 But if you're doing all of those things of, you know, contorting 489 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:23,680 yourself to be someone else, you're not doing the things that 490 00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:25,280 healthy relationships are built on. 491 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:29,840 You are performing and real connection requires presence. 492 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:36,320 And this is for every attachment style, not just the anxious one, 493 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:41,840 because the avoidant, and I'm just saying avoidant as a catch 494 00:28:41,840 --> 00:28:43,640 all, but you'll understand what I mean, right? 495 00:28:44,240 --> 00:28:49,480 The avoidant is going to want to, they tend to dissociate from 496 00:28:49,480 --> 00:28:51,640 their body, right? So they want to, they want to 497 00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:53,440 flee. They're like, let me get the 498 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:55,280 fuck out of here, right? I need space. 499 00:28:56,000 --> 00:28:59,040 OK, I'm down regulated now I can come back into the dynamic. 500 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:02,560 Whereas the anxious person is like, the way that I regulate is 501 00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,160 through you. So never fucking leave my side. 502 00:29:06,080 --> 00:29:11,240 And so neither person wants to be in their body, which is why I 503 00:29:11,240 --> 00:29:13,600 talked about embodiment, embodiment, embodiment, 504 00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:15,280 embodiment. It's why the retreats are 505 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:19,600 literally so life changing because it's an intensive of 506 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:22,760 being in your body and building that capacity to be with 507 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:24,720 sensation. So then when you go into the 508 00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:27,880 real world, it's like, I can handle this. 509 00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,880 This is easy, right? And, and like I said, real 510 00:29:32,880 --> 00:29:36,080 connection requires presence. It requires you to be present 511 00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:38,560 with yourself and with the other person. 512 00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:42,800 I remember when I was studying this stuff, like coaching, when 513 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:48,280 I was doing my, my certification in 2019, I remember my teacher 514 00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:52,440 saying when you're with a client, you want to be, I can't 515 00:29:52,440 --> 00:29:57,200 remember the exact percentages, but it was kind of like you want 516 00:29:57,200 --> 00:30:02,440 to be like 60% over there and 40% in yourself, right? 517 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:06,320 So it's like 60%. I'm tuned into you and your body 518 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:09,480 and your nervous system and I'm looking at your somatic cues and 519 00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:12,080 all the things. But I'm also deeply rooted in my 520 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:15,600 own body and what I'm feeling and what I'm noticing and what 521 00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:19,760 I'm sensing, not from a space of, oh, I'm feeling triggered 522 00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:21,960 about this, but just like, OK, cool. 523 00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:25,480 Like what I'm sensing, Oh, I'm, I'm feeling like actually like 524 00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:28,520 this is where we're headed in the right direction or we're not 525 00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:32,440 or, or whatever it is, right? And so it's the ability to stay 526 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:35,680 present with another person while staying present with 527 00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:37,680 yourself. The presence is going to be 528 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:41,360 terrifying if you've never feel safe, if you've never felt safe 529 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:45,880 to be fully you, right? So what this looks like is I 530 00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:50,560 want you to stop yourself mid text or you're about to 531 00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:53,520 communicate or you're about to say something and and ask 532 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:57,680 yourself, am I saying this to be liked or am I saying this to be 533 00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,960 honest? Where am I actually coming from 534 00:31:00,960 --> 00:31:03,480 here? Sometimes the most honest thing 535 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:07,400 is to say nothing at all. Crazy right? 536 00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:12,200 It also looks like pausing before giving reassurance to 537 00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:17,400 them or validating another person and checking in on what 538 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:20,920 you need first, right? Often times, you know, like 539 00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:24,920 let's say that someone compliments us and we feel 540 00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:27,400 really uncomfortable. So we're like, Oh my God, And 541 00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:31,160 you, I love your dress, right? And it's just like hot potato 542 00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:34,600 because I don't want to deal with the discomfort of receiving 543 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:37,600 a compliment. So I'm just going to put this 544 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:42,120 out there, right? And so checking in, OK, am I 545 00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:45,200 saying this compliment because I believe this to be true or I 546 00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:47,760 want to get the spotlight off me, right? 547 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,200 What do I need? OK, I'm just going to say thank 548 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:51,600 you. And then I'm going to regulate. 549 00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:55,480 And it's also be being OK with silence. 550 00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:59,600 It might be awkward, right? But that's OK. 551 00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:02,520 And like I said, sometimes the most powerful thing is to say 552 00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:05,560 nothing. So start going from performance 553 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:10,880 to presence is shift number one. Shift #2 is going from hyper 554 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:14,160 responsibility to shared relating. 555 00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:17,680 So if you grew up in a household where you were constantly 556 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:21,120 managing people's emotions, managing your parents emotions, 557 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:24,160 your siblings, whatever it is, chances are you're doing the 558 00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,080 exact same shit in your romantic life. 559 00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:29,040 Or you. That was you. 560 00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:31,480 And now you're terrified of ever doing that again. 561 00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:33,720 So you're avoiding it as fuck. And you're like, yeah, I'm not 562 00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:35,520 going to engage with anyone, right? 563 00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:41,320 So you may become the therapist. You may become the fixer, the 564 00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:44,480 one who holds everything, the person who's going to change 565 00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:48,680 him, the person who's going to heal him, fix him all of the 566 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:52,480 things or like I said, running away from relationships 567 00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:55,160 altogether. The difference is, is like love 568 00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:59,880 is not love. If it costs you, you a 569 00:32:59,880 --> 00:33:03,520 relationship should not compromise your relationship to 570 00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:05,400 yourself. It's actually really 571 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:07,840 interesting. When I was running the connected 572 00:33:07,840 --> 00:33:12,680 woman this last round live, many of the women who were in 573 00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:16,840 relationships were saying, oh, like my boyfriend hates you. 574 00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:19,240 He hates that I'm on these calls. 575 00:33:19,400 --> 00:33:21,200 He hates that I listen to your podcast. 576 00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:23,720 He's like, oh, are you talking to that Michelle chick again? 577 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:28,080 I fucking can't stand her. And I'm like, if a man is 578 00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:34,200 threatened, if a person that you are dating or, or a parent or a 579 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:39,920 friend or whoever is threatened by you working on yourself to 580 00:33:39,920 --> 00:33:44,880 start implementing and embodying higher standards for your life, 581 00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:48,720 yeah, that's probably not a person you want to be in a 582 00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:54,000 relationship with. If a person is actually going to 583 00:33:54,080 --> 00:33:59,120 punish you for increasing yourself worth, they're fucking 584 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:03,240 threatened by that because they know that they're going to need 585 00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:07,240 to step up or step out and they're like, no, can you go 586 00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:11,239 back to being a pushover? I liked you better than so 587 00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:13,600 that's just what I want to say. If any of you have partners that 588 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:15,840 are like, I don't like you listening to her, well, you can 589 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:22,120 fuck right off with love, right? So love should never cost you, 590 00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:25,000 you. This could look like letting 591 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,560 someone else carry the conversation when you're tired. 592 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:31,800 Like, I love being in groups of three or four with my friends 593 00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:36,080 because sometimes I just say, I'm like, hey, I'm tired, so I'm 594 00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:40,440 just going to listen for a bit. And I remember going on a just, 595 00:34:40,520 --> 00:34:43,400 it was just my friend and I when we went out for drinks. 596 00:34:44,239 --> 00:34:47,800 And I was like, I'm honestly not feeling very chatty right now. 597 00:34:47,800 --> 00:34:49,600 Is it OK if we're just silent for a little bit? 598 00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:51,760 And she was like, yeah, that's fine. 599 00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:57,400 Like, amazing, right? This also looks like not over 600 00:34:57,400 --> 00:35:01,840 explaining your boundaries. No means no. 601 00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:04,200 And that is enough of an explanation. 602 00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:05,840 Thank you so much. Thank you for coming. 603 00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:07,360 Thank you for listening. Yeah. 604 00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:10,520 And let the relationship be mutual. 605 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:15,480 Relationship should not be a project that you have to fix and 606 00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:20,880 do the most or, you know, take so much space from because 607 00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:23,240 you're exhausted from being in the dynamic. 608 00:35:23,240 --> 00:35:26,880 Like that's just not what relationships should be. 609 00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:31,080 So looking at where you are overly taking responsibility for 610 00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:34,840 you and the other person and your dog and the kids and all of 611 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:39,280 the things, rather than actually giving responsibility back to 612 00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:41,880 the other person and taking responsibility for your own 613 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:44,000 life. Another thing that I saw in my 614 00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:49,080 fearful avoidance was that I took responsibility for everyone 615 00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:51,680 else and no responsibility for myself. 616 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:56,680 So, you know, if I wasn't eating well, it was because, Oh well, 617 00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:58,960 I'm in a relationship and you know, he wants to get Uber Eats 618 00:35:58,960 --> 00:36:01,360 and blah blah, blah. No, Michelle, that's a fucking 619 00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:02,880 choice. That's a choice. 620 00:36:03,080 --> 00:36:06,320 It's also a choice to overly take responsibility for someone 621 00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:09,280 else's emotions and contort yourself and self abandoned and 622 00:36:09,280 --> 00:36:12,320 all of the things so you're not stuck. 623 00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:20,080 You're not in like prison with this person unless you are, in 624 00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:26,840 which case that's like, kudos to you for listening to do people 625 00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:28,080 in prison get to listen to podcast? 626 00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:32,080 I don't know. OK, nevermind, let's talk about 627 00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:36,920 shift #3 it's like going from emotional avoidance to embodied 628 00:36:36,920 --> 00:36:40,320 expression. A lot of women think that 629 00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:42,720 they're really chill. They're cool. 630 00:36:42,720 --> 00:36:44,840 They're the cool girl. I'm chill. 631 00:36:44,920 --> 00:36:47,360 You're not chill. You're, you're repressed, babe, 632 00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:51,320 you're repressed. I love you, you're repressed. 633 00:36:53,600 --> 00:36:57,680 I've worked with thousands of women on on this exact thing. 634 00:36:57,680 --> 00:37:01,200 And and again, they're like, no, I'm just like, whatever, I hear 635 00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:03,600 this. And my clients who have said 636 00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:06,760 this are who are listening, will laugh because you know who you 637 00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:11,160 are. When they say, yeah, I just 638 00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:15,320 don't get angry. They're the same women who are 639 00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:17,720 doing a full fucking rage release at the retreats. 640 00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:22,120 And I'm like, yes, hey, yes, bitch, right? 641 00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:25,280 Those same women who are resentful in their 642 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:30,120 relationships, they're the same women who immediately go into 643 00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:33,040 tears when actually there's a lot of repressed rage there, 644 00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:35,440 right? And so you'll downplay your 645 00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:40,240 needs, you'll laugh off hurt. I've talked about the stupid 646 00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:43,720 banter thing where it's actually just a guy nagging and being 647 00:37:43,720 --> 00:37:48,280 really rude and disrespectful. But we're like, he's just being 648 00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:52,120 like sarcastic, right? And you'll use sarcasm and 649 00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:55,480 banter because vulnerability feels like walking into a 650 00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:57,520 fucking fire. And you're like, no, thank you. 651 00:37:57,640 --> 00:38:01,560 I won't want to do that at all. So really, it's about reclaiming 652 00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:04,000 the softer side of you. That's the part that actually 653 00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:06,480 does get hurt. Like, this was a huge part of my 654 00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:08,560 journey of reclaiming my sensitivity. 655 00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:14,440 I'm quite bold and direct on here, but I am deeply sensitive. 656 00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:18,200 I'm very, very tender. I have a very squishy heart and 657 00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:20,520 vulnerability felt like way too much for me. 658 00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:24,960 So I would always make jokes and try to, you know, skirt around 659 00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:28,680 what I was actually feeling. And so this shift is about 660 00:38:28,680 --> 00:38:32,000 coming back into your body and letting yourself be seen in 661 00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:34,240 whatever you're feeling. Letting yourself be seen in 662 00:38:34,240 --> 00:38:39,480 anger, in hurt, in shame and guilt, in pleasure and joy, in 663 00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:44,040 vulnerability. You know, I went on a date 664 00:38:44,040 --> 00:38:49,360 recently and like was on the verge of a panic attack. 665 00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:52,560 I was on the verge of the of a panic attack. 666 00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:56,160 And I told my date. I said, I have to be completely 667 00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:59,080 honest because it was beautiful. She'd, like, bought this, you 668 00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:01,680 know, she'd gotten this, like, beautiful bottle of wine and, 669 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:04,920 like, steaks and all these sides. 670 00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:10,760 And I was like, I'm so sorry. I feel like I'm going to be sick 671 00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:16,760 right now. And she was so cool about it. 672 00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:21,240 You know, she was like, OK, so don't, don't eat the fucking 673 00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:22,480 steak. Don't drink the wine. 674 00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:24,640 It's OK. No one's going to die. 675 00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:28,600 I was like, oh, OK, And that's the thing. 676 00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:34,120 But I could have, you know, shoved that down and tried to 677 00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:37,560 pretend everything was OK. But I'm like, I'm trying to 678 00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:43,080 build a connection with someone that I am going to be really 679 00:39:43,240 --> 00:39:46,160 fucking real and be honest, right? 680 00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:51,400 And So what this looks like in real time is that or saying, you 681 00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:54,520 know, like, hey, that hurt my feelings instead of just making 682 00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:58,000 a joke or laughing off the joke that they made or whatever it 683 00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:01,960 is, right? It's naming your needs before 684 00:40:01,960 --> 00:40:04,800 you explode. And this requires you to know 685 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:08,560 what your needs are, which requires you to be connected to 686 00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:14,000 your body, right? It is you not apologizing for 687 00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:17,760 having a feeling and then shift #4. 688 00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:24,120 Is moving from self abandonment to self honoring OK And this is 689 00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:28,360 out of all of them, this is the most important shift. 690 00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:35,720 If you have made love mean I accept you and I will stay even 691 00:40:35,720 --> 00:40:39,320 if you treat me like shit. You think compassion equals 692 00:40:39,320 --> 00:40:41,920 tolerating everything because I get it. 693 00:40:42,160 --> 00:40:45,700 I work with a lot of self aware women who have done, quote, UN 694 00:40:45,700 --> 00:40:49,520 quote, done the work, except they refuse to be in their body, 695 00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:52,760 right? It's like if you've done the 696 00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:56,120 work, you're probably very compassionate and you have a lot 697 00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:59,080 of empathy towards the people in your world and you understand 698 00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:01,200 trauma and you understand childhood wounding. 699 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:04,320 And so you will give the benefit of the doubt a million fucking 700 00:41:04,320 --> 00:41:08,880 times over, right? And you'll convince yourself 701 00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:14,000 that once, once I fix myself, then I'll be ready, right? 702 00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:18,600 Or like Taylor Swift says, once I fix me, he's going to miss me. 703 00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:23,720 Like no, real love is not about self sacrifice. 704 00:41:23,800 --> 00:41:28,040 It's about self honoring. And this is the most attractive 705 00:41:28,120 --> 00:41:32,880 trait in another human being is them deeply loving themselves 706 00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:35,320 and having reverence for themselves and taking care of 707 00:41:35,320 --> 00:41:37,640 themselves. And that looks like choosing 708 00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:42,560 partners who make you feel safe, not just and having butterflies 709 00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:45,280 like I want you to have chemistry with someone, but 710 00:41:45,320 --> 00:41:49,000 there's so much more. And it's also like walking away 711 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:53,040 from from chemistry when it costs you your fucking sanity. 712 00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:58,200 If you are ChatGPT ING, what do you think about this? 713 00:41:58,200 --> 00:42:04,040 That no, you've already lost. You've already lost not God. 714 00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:08,040 OK. And moving from self abandonment 715 00:42:08,040 --> 00:42:12,560 to self honoring is about not trying to shrink to make other 716 00:42:12,560 --> 00:42:17,520 people comfortable, right? I'm not going to dull my shine 717 00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:21,960 because you feel discomfort around that. 718 00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:24,920 I'm sorry. Go do your own shadow work. 719 00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:32,520 I have a program for that. So you cannot think your way 720 00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:36,560 into secure love. You have to shift your 721 00:42:36,560 --> 00:42:39,880 relationship to relationships. You have to shift your 722 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:42,720 relationship to men, and most importantly, you have to shift 723 00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:46,080 your relationship to yourself. You have to embody it. 724 00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:51,880 One breath, one pause, one moment, one of honest response 725 00:42:51,880 --> 00:42:54,960 at a time. Your triggers do not mean that 726 00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:56,560 you're broken. You're always going to have 727 00:42:56,560 --> 00:42:57,920 triggers. You're always going to have 728 00:42:57,920 --> 00:43:02,920 patterns, but they're invitations to meet the part of 729 00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:05,440 you that has never felt safe before. 730 00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:09,800 And relationships can be the most beautiful catalyst for 731 00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:15,920 that, right? So I really invite you to make a 732 00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:20,720 choice for yourself to stop taking care of everybody else, 733 00:43:20,720 --> 00:43:23,320 every Tom, Dick and Harry, your mom, your dad, your brother, 734 00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:26,880 your sister, your boyfriend, your ex, your ex-husband, your 735 00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:29,560 like everyone and make a choice for you. 736 00:43:30,280 --> 00:43:33,480 And I'm speaking specifically to the woman who is like, I want to 737 00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:35,280 be at those retreats, but you're scared. 738 00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:37,560 You're scared of the flight, you're scared of this, you're 739 00:43:37,560 --> 00:43:41,160 scared of the investment. Like when is it going to be your 740 00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:47,160 turn 2030? We're like, are we going to 741 00:43:47,240 --> 00:43:49,400 actually do something different here? 742 00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:54,680 OK, so I love you. This has been a really, really 743 00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:58,840 juicy episode and I will see you next week and I will see you at 744 00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:02,360 the retreats We do. We are running out of spaces for 745 00:44:02,360 --> 00:44:04,440 private rooms. So if you want that private 746 00:44:04,440 --> 00:44:08,480 room, hopefully we still have some by the time this airs. 747 00:44:09,120 --> 00:44:11,280 But yeah, I love you. Have a beautiful week. 748 00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:12,760 I will see you next week. Bye. 749 00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:16,920 Thank you so much for tuning into the Unfuck Your 750 00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:20,040 Relationships podcast. I hope this episode has sparked 751 00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:23,320 something for you and has helped you to unfuck your relationships 752 00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:25,880 just a little bit more. Please remember that you 753 00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:29,560 actually do get to have it all in life, in love, and in 754 00:44:29,560 --> 00:44:31,920 business. If you love what you learned, be 755 00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:34,240 sure to hit that follow button so you never miss a future 756 00:44:34,240 --> 00:44:37,640 episode and leave a review to help me reach more badass 757 00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:40,440 bitches just like yourself who want to unfuck their 758 00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:42,880 relationships so they too can have it all. 759 00:44:43,560 --> 00:44:45,320 Don't forget to take a screenshot, share it on your 760 00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:48,920 Instagram stories, and tag me, Michelle Panning and I will see 761 00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:51,000 you back here in the next episode. 762 00:44:51,440 --> 00:44:51,880 See ya.