Welcome to the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast.
I'm Michelle Panning, your host intimacy alchemist, Trigger
Queen and founder of The Connected Woman AKA your new go
to bestie for all things love, sex and relationships that won't
blow total smoke up your ass. I believe you deserve to have it
all, to feel worthy, confident, and have a fulfilling as fuck
love life. In this podcast, we're dropping
the insecurity in doubt so that you can transform into the
powerful, confident, and secure woman you know you're destined
to be. So grab your favorite glass of
wine and let's get to work, because it's time to reclaim
yourself worth, baby. Hello and welcome back to the
Unfuck Your Relationships podcast.
This is episode 56 and this episode's going to be a real
kick up the ass for people. I feel I have been feeling kind
of sassy as of late and I'm going to bring that to the
podcast because why the fuck not?
Before I get into this sass pants rant, I would love if you
could take the time to rate and review the podcast.
Yeah, I want to be a top ten podcast.
Yes, please help me get there. I cannot do this without you.
Don't make me beg now. But for real, I genuinely feel
like I have a lot of good shit to say.
I want to keep this going. Guys, we're fucking blowing up.
We're actually blowing up. At the time of recording this, I
hit like 100,000 downloads. What?
Like, I don't know, three weeks ago, something like that.
Maybe 3 weeks ago, we're nearly at 150,000 downloads.
What? Sorry, what?
So this is really blowing up. So let's keep the momentum.
Let's go. Let's fucking pop some champagne
because the better I do, the better you do.
We're all in this together. And so I thought that that would
be just. Yeah.
I would be forever grateful. Thank you in advance.
Love you so much. Let's get into this sass pants
rant where I kick you up the little booty.
And I do this with love, OK? I don't do this because I hate
you or I think that you are, you know, not caring about what's
happening in your life. Not at all.
I say this because I believe that you are capable.
So do you remember that real that?
I think it's Mel Robbins. I think that's her name.
And she's like, no one is coming to save you.
No one's going to get you up in the morning, blah, blah, blah,
blah. No one is coming to save you.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but stop waiting for a man
to be your Prince Charming. Yeah, because I, too, have this
Disney Princess. That was like, once I meet the
man, I will be happy and everything in my life will be
great. No, Drew is amazing.
We love him. And I still have problems.
I still have times where I'm like, I am unhappy.
And no, he has not saved me. How dare he?
But this thing of, like, waiting for someone to save you.
And I'm, you know, right now I'm talking about a man saving you.
But this could be fucking anyone.
It's immature. It's actually immature and is a
sign of, like, low emotional intelligence.
Yeah. You are in control of your
healing. You are.
You can find practitioners to hold you in what's coming up for
you, but it's up to you to actually do the work, right?
And so, do I call people out? Do I call people out right now?
Fuck it, yes. Here's the thing.
If you are sliding into my DMS asking for advice and my advice
is to work with me, right? Or work with a therapist or work
with someone regardless of if it's me.
And it's like, no, I don't have the time, bitch, don't complain
then. Sorry.
Yeah. And a lot of us want to blame
others around us for our lack of results, you know, or why we're
stuck or why our lives are the way that they are.
So we blame our parents. You know, if only I had had
different parents or my, my parents were so fucked.
They gave me so much trauma that like, you know, this is just how
I am. We blame our partners.
Well, my partner's emotionally unavailable.
So what the fuck am I supposed to do?
You blame your attachment style. It's because I'm anxious.
It's because I'm avoidant. It's because I'm anxious
avoidant. You blame your home environment.
Oh, I, I can't do the calls because my roommates are home.
If we blame others, we can deflect responsibility.
And if we deflect responsibility, then we don't
need to change anything because it's not our fault in the 1st
place, right? Because if it's someone else's
fault, if it's your parents fault, your partner's fault,
it's the attachment style, it's because of your home, it's
because you can't afford it. It's because you can't, you
don't have time. It's because the the calls are
at 3:00 in the morning for you. Then it's out of your control.
What are you supposed to do? It's everyone else.
It's everything else. Sure.
OK. I will never argue with you.
If you want to stay attached to your story, be my guest.
Be my guest. But I promise you that nothing
will change. And if you choose to not take
any action, that's on you. Yeah.
If you don't have the love that you want, that's on you.
And I say this with so much love because I am fully aware that
trauma plays a big part in this. I get it.
I have a lot of trauma.
So deal with it. Deal with the trauma, hire a
trauma therapist, go to EMDR, see a somatic experiencer.
Right. And if you genuinely like I, I
understand. I'm not, you know, totally
fucking tone deaf to the fact that people struggle financially
in this world. Like I understand, I understand.
And I've been in that position before as well.
So I get it. Like sometimes it's not a
limiting belief. You're like, I, no, I genuinely
have $4.00 on my bank account. Great.
So like, take the free resources that are available to you and
fucking implement them. Implement them.
Take what I'm saying on this podcast and do something with
it. Yeah, if you read a book, go to
the library and you get a book you read attached, do what it
says, right? Don't just read half the book
and then put it back on your bookshelf and say, well,
nothing's changing. Yeah, bitch, you can't just
fucking think it into existence. You have to actually take
action. We cannot control what happens
to us, but we can control how we respond.
Now I'll say it again, we cannot control what happens to us, but
we can control how we respond. So again, when you are in a
place of like, not taking action or blaming everyone around you,
it's so disempowering. And I get it.
Like I was speaking to a friend of mine and she's going through
a tough time with her partner right now.
Every time that we would start talking about her role in it,
she'd go yeah, bot and start shitting on him again.
Now, I'm not saying that. Oh, no, no, no, he's perfect.
Like this is all you, babe. No, honestly, he's acting fucked
in this situation. But we can control how we
respond to that behavior, how to someone else's behavior, right?
If your parents were not emotionally there for you, it's
going to be tough for you to be there emotionally for yourself,
right? Or to allow others to be there
for you, right? OK, got it.
This is what we're working with. Let's do something different.
What tools and practices can you implement?
Right? Which is exactly what the
connected woman is all about. It's literally for this.
But even if you do that program and you invest the money and the
time, if you just come to the calls and you don't do any of
the homework, like, you're really not going to see that
much of an impact. It's designed to help you change
your fucking life. Yeah.
And often this is what I see. And this is like a very sneaky
thing. And this is what happens to me
as well. My coach called me out on this
the other day. We were talking about where I'm
doing shadow work with her and she's like asking me a question.
I said I don't know. And she was like, fuck off.
You don't know. Yeah.
If you're saying I don't know all the time, this is what she
said. If you're saying I don't know
all the time, you need to be willing to sit with it for
longer than two fucking minutes to figure it out.
Yeah. If you don't know what steps to
take, find someone who does. If you're saying like, well, I
don't know. Like, I don't know where to
start, Bitch. If you're in my DMS, you've
started. I've told you.
Join the program or work with me one-on-one, or go work with a
trauma therapist. Find an expert in the area
you're looking to improve in and do what you need to do.
Yeah. Because I don't know, it's just
your ego's way of keeping you the fuck out of your shadows and
the fuck out of the truth. Genuinely.
I know that's harsh. We don't like to talk about the
ego. But like, I had a realization
that, like, I am an ego a lot. If you're getting triggered,
you're an ego. Yeah, and this is something else
that my coach said. If you're committed to fucking
up your growth, you will run with the story that your ego is
telling you. You will believe it.
I can't do this course because, you know, the the calls are at
3:00 AM, so it's not convenient for me.
I don't have the time to do this.
I just can't afford it. I'll do the next round.
It's too expensive. I never finished programs.
Yeah, it'll all come up. I'm not.
I'm never surprised when someone throws any of those things at
me. I'm like, OK, And again, I'm not
going to argue with you. I'll reflect it back to you, OK?
Is that really true? Because how many times have I
seen someone say I can't afford it and then turn around four
days later and pay in full? And I'm like, of course, because
I don't believe your stories. And again, like I that caveat
there is like, I understand there are genuinely cases where
you literally cannot afford it. Yeah, I got you.
And, and if that's the case, cool.
I have absolutely no issue with that being true.
You know, I'm never, ever, ever going to force you to do
something that you don't want to do.
And you should not force yourself to do something that
you don't want to do. If something's not a good fit
for you, my program or anything, don't do it.
Don't do it. I wouldn't want you in there and
you know the people that who are in your life like again, that's
a people pleasing right. So if that's like the truth, but
fucking be honest with yourself, girl, about the things that you
tell yourself you can't do. Oh, I just I can't have a
healthy relationship because I have anxious attachment.
I always attract emotionally unavailable men.
Here's how you know you are in a fucking story is when you say
always or never when you generalize.
So here's why joining a program like connected woman or doing
one-on-one or going to a breath work class or hiring a therapist
or whatever. Here's why it feels absolutely
or even finding a healthy relationship.
Let's go with that. Finding a healthy relationship
feels so fucking scary, like let's say a quote UN quote
conscious man, because that is going to require you to let go
of your story of victimhood. All right, my loves, this is it.
These are the final few hours. It's the final countdown until
the doors close to connected woman.
Not just for this round, but forever for good.
If you've been listening to previous episodes, you'll know
or you follow me on Instagram. Then you'll know that this is
the last round of connected woman.
We are moving on into what, I don't know.
We're going to see what is birthed in this space.
But I'm fully leaning into trusting myself and trusting
that whatever is meant to come through is going to come
through. So, yeah, these are the last 24
hours before the doors shut to connect to women for good.
And so if you have been feeling that pull, feeling the nudge and
that kind of, I don't know, I really want to do this, but I'm
nervous. Or maybe I'll do the next round.
There won't be a next round. And I really invite you to trust
yourself. And I understand that that can
be really fucking scary, especially if you resonate with
being a caretaker and you're used to putting yourself at the
bottom of the barrel, that investing in yourself will seem
fucking terrifying. And nothing changes if nothing
changes. And so we have to, at some
point, be willing to put our money where our mouth is.
Yeah, we can have all the self-awareness in the world, but
if we're not willing to take action, it's for nothing.
So you can listen to the podcast.
You can listen to my Instagram Stories.
You can listen to or read my posts on Instagram.
But if you do not decide to take the leap of faith and invest in
yourself with your time, your money and your energy, and
nothing will shift. So the invitation is there for
you to take that leap of faith and trust yourself and put
yourself first for once. Let this be the beginning of you
doing something different. And I hope that I will see you
inside for this very special round, this last round of
Connected Women. And if you've already done
Connected Woman and you're coming back as an alumni, DM me
on Instagram for the alumni link or you can e-mail contact at
michellepanning.com and we'll get you in there.
There are women who have done it 234 times, which is really
fucking cool. So the invitation is there.
We do live embodiments on the calls.
We have a guest speaker coming in.
The place that I am at in my life, the relationship that I
have with myself and the relationship that I have with
Drew is unlike anything that has been brought to Connected Woman
before. So it's going to be a very,
very, very potent journey. And I hope that you will join
me. All right, let's get back to the
episode. I said something on the last
connected woman call in the last round, and I said don't settle
for your story. Don't settle for your story.
The story that you've been telling yourself that you can't
have what you want because of XYZ, because your parents fucked
you up, because your partner is emotionally unavailable, because
you'll never be able to afford that, because you work too much,
because you have avoided attachment.
Don't fucking settle for that bullshit.
And I will call you out every damn day because I see you
settling for your story that you can't do it.
I, I fucking get it. I get it.
And I would not be a good coach if I just let you if I just went
OK. Like if you're paying me to work
with you, right? If you're a client of mine, I
will call you the fuck out with so much love.
I say it with love because I know that you're capable.
Because I see the piece of you that is made for more.
Because I see how many times I myself have settled for my story
that I would never have the love that I want.
The relationship that I have withdrew.
I did not even know was possible.
I didn't even know it was possible.
The money that I have, I was like, fucking wow.
If I could just replace my stripping income, that would be
like, I would be over the moon. Now I've like tripled what I
made stripping more. Yeah.
The clients that I have, the life that I live, I never
thought this was possible. And it's only possible because I
had people reflecting to me when I would go, oh, I just don't
think it's going to happen. Fuck that.
Nope. And people being like, I'm not
even willing to have this conversation until you're
willing to get your head out your ass.
And so I'd used to do something. I still kind of do it sometimes,
but there's something called schema therapy.
It's like a form of therapy and my biggest schema.
So like my biggest, I don't know, characteristic, I guess
thing that we all have schemas. I don't even know how to explain
it. We all have schemas that some of
them get to like a clinical level and that's when they need
to be kind of dealt with. My biggest one is entitlement.
So there's part of me that feels like I should just have results,
right? And So what happens is I would
just throw money at the problem. And so rather than expecting a
man to save me, I expect my coach to save me.
Well, I've come to the calls. I shouldn't have to do anything
outside of that, right? I don't need to do my fucking
sexuality practices. I don't need to have hard
conversations. I don't need to set boundaries
in my life. I've come to the calls.
I've paid you fucking $30,000. What else do I need to do?
And let me tell you, nothing changed.
I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and nothing was changing
until I was like, wow, I guess no one's coming.
I guess it's on me. And so I'm here to tell you that
it's on you. It's on you.
Yeah. So look at what is showing up in
your life. One of my favorite quotes from
Caroline Elliott, who wrote the book Existential Kink, says
having is evidence of wanting. Yeah, having is evidence of
wanting. If you have something in your
life, ask yourself, what do I get from this?
And your first instinct is probably to go nothing.
I don't get anything from this, right?
My toxic relationship with an emotionally mature, immature
man. I get nothing from this but
grief and stress, lies, bullshit.
Look harder. Sit with yourself for more than
two minutes. I would pick emotionally
immature men. I would pick them.
I had a radar. Do you know why?
So I could feel superior. So I could feel like the
emotionally mature one. And here's the thing, I could, I
would go to the level of emotional intimacy that I felt
comfortable with because I knew they'd never challenge me on it.
I knew they would never want more intimacy than I was ready
to give. So I felt safe.
And then I could just sit in my victimhood and complain about
how immature these men were and how emotionally unavailable they
were. They didn't want to do the work
and blah, blah, blah. Bitch, I wasn't doing the work.
Not really. Yeah, being withdrew requires a
lot from me. It's super easy, super easy to
be in a relationship with him. And it's a great responsibility
because he requires a level of intimacy that feels new for me.
And I fucking love it. But I wasn't ready until I did
the work. And so there's also an element
of like, stop looking at the people online, at me, at
whoever, these influencers or these coaches or whoever, and
thinking that they have it easy, that they're born that way.
Maybe they are, maybe they aren't.
But I can guarantee that we all have our own shit.
Yeah, they have their trauma. I have trauma.
And the difference is I've chosen to face it.
They've chosen to face it rather than run from it.
Most people won't do that because it's fucking hard.
It's really hard. The hardest thing for me is just
to sit with myself and feel. Even though I teach it, I'm
like, oh, God again. Feel more.
Really. Yes.
Feel more. It's hard.
It's scary. You can face judgement.
You will outgrow people. You will outgrow situations.
You don't know what's on the other end of it.
Yeah. Who am I without this story?
You don't know. And the brain loves familiarity,
right? Better the devil you know.
So the brain is like, look, I know this is shit, but like that
healthy relationship or that like level of money, we don't
know what's going to happen. That could be worse, that could
be worse, that could kill us. So better not right.
It's it's what the brain does. It's nothing to be ashamed of or
anything, but you have to be willing to step outside of that
to do the opposite of what you normally do, right.
And I attract in my work a lot of women who caretake.
Right, a lot of women who caretake and people, please,
meaning that you put yourself at the bottom of the barrel.
So it makes sense that like when I'm asking you to invest in
yourself, your time, your money, your energy, you're like, no,
and you will go spend money on dumb shit.
Going out on the weekends. Well, I don't know if it's dumb,
but like on on other shit, that's that puts other people
first, right? Going out on the weekends and
getting drunk so you can have connection with people?
Buying clothes so you can impress people that you actually
don't give a fuck about? Yeah.
Spending all your money on fucking Uber Eats so you don't
have to get up and cook a meal? I get it.
Same. Yeah, but if you don't want to
commit to yourself and to your growth, fine, fine, fine, fine.
I will never challenge you on that.
But stop lying to yourself and saying that you want it if you
are not ready to have meaningful conversations with people on
dating apps. Stop saying that you want a
relationship if you are not willing to open your heart to a
man. Stop saying that you want it if
you are not willing to fucking sit with yourself and feel your
emotions or pick up a fucking journal or put down Netflix or
put down TikTok. Stop saying that you want a deep
relationship with yourself. You don't, Which there's no
shame in that. It's totally fine to not want
that. But be honest.
Be honest with yourself, Right? I could say that I want to be
the healthiest version of myself, but the reality is I
still eat pizza on the regular and I fucking eat Uber Eats all
the time. I really don't want it that bad.
What I want is comfort. OK, cool.
So be that. But what happens is you lose
respect and trust in yourself when you say you want something
but never follow through with it.
Yeah, if you keep saying that you're sick of the same shit
with the guy that you're seeing but you refuse to take action
and leave, or at the very least have a conversation around it,
don't complain. Don't complain.
If you're not willing to work on it with yourself, then cool.
Just acknowledge that that's the situation, right?
What builds trust and respect for yourself is honoring your
word, staying true to yourselves, taking risks.
And risks are scary, I get it. But if you don't take the risk,
you won't get the reward. If you don't take the risk, you
won't get the reward. But don't complain about never
getting the reward when you are completely unwilling to take the
risk. And that could be a risk of your
time, a risk of your energy. You may have a belief that
you're going to sign up to a program and then not follow
through with anything. Well, I guess that's a risk.
I called myself out in one of the containers I'm in.
I have a habit of joining containers and then hiding
because I go. I have enough connection in my
life. I don't need to engage in the
Facebook group. Nah, I'm beyond that.
I'm above that. So I called myself out and I was
like, I'm going to fucking engage in here on a on a regular
basis. I'm going to support other women
and I'm going to lean in and ask to be supported.
I'm going to build connection in here because I'm willing to do
something different than I normally fucking do because I
want the reward. And so I'm willing to take the
risk. And so ask yourself, am I
wanting the reward with none of the fucking work?
Because that's an immature, entitled way of moving through
life, and that will never get you the dream relationship that
you desire. So I know this was really
fucking intense, really harsh. You may be triggered.
That's OK. I am the trigger queen after
all. So, yeah, I, like, don't, like,
I want to ask for a rating and review, but I feel a little
hesitant to do it because it's probably going to be like,
Michelle's a fucking bitch. True.
I am. And I'm OK with that.
I am OK with that. And there's a part of me which
loves being fucking bossy and direct and telling it like it
is. It's one of my greatest
superpowers. So straight from me to you,
straight from my heart. And again, I say this because I
fucking love you and I'm sick of seeing you settle for absolute
mediocre bullshit in your life. I'm over it.
Stop settling for crumbs when
you can be in the fucking bakery with me and the other women.
All right? I'm going to leave it here.
I've got to go wash this fake tan off.
I wash. I did fake tan for the first
time in like, fucking years. So I'm going on a date with my
man's this weekend. So I'm wearing a backless dress
and I'm trying to look like a fucking 10 out of 10.
So yeah, just before we wrap up, you have another day to join the
connected woman. I've just handed your ass to you
and now I'm like, what? You fucking want the dream
relationship with a man, yes, but like with yourself is
available to you if you want to stop tolerating bullshit.
And you want to be like fuck I love myself.
And not not a surface level way of like you look in the mirror
into your eyes and go I deeply love and accept myself but you
actually feel like I fucking love myself and you take the
action that is in accordance with that.
You don't just say you're worthy of love, you actually act like a
woman who is worthy of love. Then the connected woman is for
you. I don't know if and when I'm
running this again. I've had, you know, some shifts
in my life and so if I am running it, it could be
changing. I'm really not sure.
So now could be the time for you to do it.
And if you're an alumni, you've already done this, then DM me on
Instagram and I can send you the alumni link because you get it
for $666.00. And if I do it again, run this
again, then it's going to be well over $1000.
So yeah, if you want to come do Connected Woman for a second or
third time, that is available to you as well.
But yeah, I just really invite you to like, if you are feeling
the pull, fucking trust yourself.
Trust yourself that you follow through with what you say you're
going to do. I have heard from some of you of
like, I'm going to do next round.
And we've heard that for two years now.
I'm like, shit or get off the pot, you know?
So the invitation is there. The link will be in the show
notes. If you have questions, DM me on
Instagram. I love you.
See you in the next episode 1. Thank you so much for tuning in
to the Unpuck Your Relationships podcast.
I hope that this episode has helped you regain yourself worth
and reclaim your power. Remember, you deserve to feel
safe and secure in your relationships.
If you love what you learned, be sure to hit that follow button
so you never miss a future episode and leave a review to
help me reach more passionate women just like you who want to
heal their relationship patterns so they can have real intimacy
with men. Don't forget to take a
screenshot, share it in your Instagram stories, and tag me at
Michelle Panning. See you back here in the next
episode.