Welcome to the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast.
I'm Michelle Panning, your host intimacy alchemist, Trigger
Queen and founder of The Connected Woman AKA your new go
to bestie for all things love, sex and relationships that won't
blow total smoke up your ass. I believe you deserve to have it
all, to feel worthy, confident, and have a fulfilling as fuck
love life. In this podcast, we're dropping
the insecurity and doubt so that you can transform into the
powerful, confident, and secure woman you know you're destined
to be. So grab your favorite glass of
wine and let's get to work because it's time to reclaim
yourself worth baby. Hello my loves, welcome back to
another episode of the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast.
This is episode 69. Y'all know that I have been
waiting 68 episodes to get to this place because I am a
fucking teenager who has a dirty mind and still laugh when
someone says 69 which is quite funny because I actually
personally hate the position 69. If you're new here, welcome.
This is how I talk. This is the vibe that you can
expect, but I personally hate 69 because I'm like OK look, I feel
like I'm not concentrating enough and not like present
enough to give a good blowjob and then like I also am not
relaxed enough to fully just receive.
So no one's fucking winning here.
So can we just actually take turns or do it like the old
fashioned way? Why do we have to like do two
things at once? Anyways, I digress.
If you like what you hear, if you're into the vibe, if you
like the fucking podcast, if you like the episode, if you get to
the end of this and you're like, Oh my God, this girl knows what
she's fucking talking about. Please, for the love of God, for
the love of me, for the love of unfucking your relationships
rate review, share this podcast, any of the episodes, and tag me
in it on Instagram so I can know that, you know, you got
something out of it. I'm a Leo rising.
Your girl loves it. She's the words of affirmation
girl. She wants to hear it.
And it also just helps people know about the podcast.
So there's that too. OK, let's get into it.
Today. I want to talk about something
that actually one of you guys reached out to me on Instagram
to ask me to well, you asked if I had any episodes on this and I
don't think I do. And I thought this is like, Oh
my God, that's such a good question.
Basically of like, what do I do when my man doesn't want to do
the work? And I don't mean like he doesn't
want to do the work, like he doesn't want to do the dishes.
I mean, he doesn't want to do personal development element
work because let me tell ya, I have been there.
I have been there and I've had relationships not work out
because of it. Well, I mean, there's other
pieces as well, but that was part of it.
And I know this happens in my containers all of the time,
right? Like in Connected Woman, it
comes up a lot in one-on-one containers.
So I thought that I would kind of like just riff on it a little
bit. So let me just tell you what
normally happens. This is what I see.
This is what I see a lot with my one-on-one clients, connected
woman clients, whoever. Basically, you come in, you
start doing all this work and you're like, Oh my God, this is
amazing. My life is changing.
I feel more worthy than I ever have.
I'm happier than I've ever been, feel more connected to my body.
I feel like my friendships are deepening.
Like everything is like fucking rocking, right?
And then what do you want to do? You want to tell everyone about
it, right? So you go to your partner.
You're like, babe, I'm doing this really cool course.
It's amazing. Today I learned about inner
child. Like have you ever connected
with your inner child? You should.
What if you did this? Oh that's just a projection.
Oh that's your ego speaking? Oh that's a shadow.
That's your superiority shadow. Bitch, that's your superiority
shadow. What happens is you essentially
start criticizing them and telling them everything that's
wrong with them and how they can do it better.
And I'm not saying this is a conscious thing.
I'm not saying this is your fault.
No one's at fault. We're all loved here, OK?
But it's just like, Oh my God, I'm doing such amazing things.
I want you to know. I want you to know because,
like, I want you to do it too. I want you to do it because
you'd get so much out of it. And look, as someone who's a
coach and as someone who's just been immersed in, quote UN
quote, the work for quite a number of years now, it's very
easy to like spot other people's shit.
You know, like that's what I do for a living.
That's why people pay me the big bucks, because I can spot your
blind spots. The things that you are probably
choosing not to see, I can see it and reflect them back to you,
right? But this is what people start to
do in their relationships. Don't do that.
Yeah, like, even in my
relationship, right? I'm sure Drew sees some blind
spots of mine, right? And I see blind spots of his.
I'm not going to point them out. I'm not going to point them out
unless we have a specific container where that is part of
it. If you're new here, Drew is my
partner. We have a monthly check in every
month, like a relationship check in.
And one of the questions is basically like what are my line
slots? I'm not seeing.
I can't remember the exact question, but it's basically
something like that. So that's like a container where
that is available to do. Right.
But in general, pointing out someone's flaws is not the way
to inspire them to do the work. OK, Think about when a friend
reads a new personal development work, a personal development
book, or she finds a new coach or whatever, and then she starts
telling you all the things that you should be doing and how your
life would be better if only you would do.
What do you want to do? Does that make you go, oh, my
God, you're so right. I think I want to read that book
too or Yeah, you're so right. I want to work with that coach.
That's amazing. Thank you for pointing out how
shit I am with money or like, whatever.
Right. Oh, thank you for pointing out
that I'm codependent. Like, cheers.
What do you want to do? You want to fucking rebel and
you want to Chuck that shit out the window, right?
You're like, get out of here. Get on my face.
That was unsolicited. OK?
That's what's probably happening with your partner right now.
I'm saying that's a possibility. That's a possibility.
OK? Men are also way smarter than
you give them credit for. OK, let me back up.
Let me back up. People are way smarter than you
give them credit for, OK? Even if you're not into energy
work, we are sensitive to energy.
We can feel when something is off, right?
When your actions are not aligning with your words or like
your words are saying one thing and your energy saying another.
So the reason I mentioned that is because they can pick up on
your subtle manipulation tactics of just like quietly mentioning
things, you know, like dropping the way of the superior man by
David Data on his fucking night stand.
I mean, like, I don't know how that got there, right?
That's not the way to inspire him to quote UN quote, be more
masculine, right? Or if you're a man listening to
this, you know, like putting, I don't know, makeup in her drawer
is not the way to inspire her to be more feminine.
Not that, you know, makeup has to do with being feminine, but
you know what I mean? The way that I would approach
this right is actually to just set a container and speak from
what you desire. Ask for what you want, be
direct, right? What happens is the way that a
lot of women go about trying to get their man to do the thing,
go to a workshop or whatever is like by being kind of subtle and
hinting at it or criticizing. But here's the thing, in every
single criticism, there's a desire.
Let that land hear it again. In every criticism, there's a
desire. If you criticize him for being
irresponsible, there's the desire for him to be
responsible, right? You get what I mean?
So it's like I could say to my ex, you know, I wish you would
just go to like a men's, you know, and I did do this.
I did do This is why this podcast is so great because I
speak from my experience. I speak from all my, you know,
misfortunes and mistakes. So, you know, I would speak to
my ex and be like, oh, I really wish she would do like this,
like, Tantra workshop. Like, I just don't feel like I'm
being met in this aspect or like, you can't handle my
emotion or whatever. Do you really think that
inspires him to be like, oh, yeah, I want to work on that.
Or like, what I would love is if you like, engage in this with
me. It's actually really important
to me. I want to be able to do these
practices with you because it makes me feel alive.
It makes me feel connected to you.
It makes me feel turned on, right?
So speaking from actual desire rather than criticism, there's a
big difference. There's a big difference in how
you're going to be received in that, right?
As soon as you feel criticized or attacked, what are you going
to do? You're going to get fucking
defensive and reject whatever they're saying, right?
So see if you can soften into your heart, into your desire and
like, what would him doing the work?
What would that provide for you? OK, now notice this is like very
sneaky notice where your shadow of superiority comes out.
OK, that now that you're doing the work, you're better than
them. Where do you actually find
safety and comfort in that? So I'll share a couple of
stories. So 1 was a few years ago, I had
like a best friend and you know, I was really into like summon
and embodiment stuff and doing these relationship workshops and
all of these things. And I was like, in my eyes, I
was like, your relationships are a mess.
Let me help you. Even though my relationships
were a fucking mess, like hello. But I was like, oh, let me help
you here, do these workshops is going to be amazing, right?
And now these workshops I was assisting slash like
apprenticing to be a facilitator of.
So I felt quite well, first in the work, you know, and I'm
like, I'm not just a regular participant, I'm actually like a
facilitator, like a top super babe assistant.
Yuck. So I felt some sort of like
superiority being there, right? Like I could just sit at the
front. Oh, cool.
So anyway, so she came to two of these workshops that I was
assisting at and I, I was the one who begged her to be there.
And yet I was so fucking triggered by her being there
because I was like, I could see the part of me that went, no,
this is my thing. This is my thing.
And I found safety and comfort in being the woke one, right?
And so this also happened with the relationships, the romantic
relationships that I was choosing.
OK, I would continue to choose people who were not doing the
work and emotionally unavailable.
And then I would complained that they weren't doing the work and
they were emotionally unavailable.
But it was basically just so I could maintain my status as
being the woke one, right? I'm the one who is emotionally
available. I'm the one who's embodied.
I'm the one who communicates well.
I'm the one who's emotionally intelligent.
I'm no, no, no, no, really, it was just my superiority thing
because if I actually put myself in the room with people who were
doing the work, I felt deeply fucking inferior.
And that happened. I really felt that when I went
to this retreat where I met my partner, like that first day, I
was like, Oh my God, I was overwhelmed with fear.
Actually got the reflection that I have a big fuck off wall
around me to which everyone by the end of the week was like, Oh
my God, It's been such a pleasure to see you really
soften over the past week and let people in and open your
heart. And like, I was only like that
because I was really fucking afraid and I was having such
intense feelings of inferiority because these are people who
hire, you know, pretty much everyone there is a coach or has
been doing the work for years on end.
And so, you know, I'm potentially the newbie in there.
And that was quite confronting, right?
OK, so I wanted to interrupt this episode to just let you
know that there are a couple more days to join.
Swipe right, which is my signature program to help you
date like a motherfucking queen. Basically, stop playing the
game. Start slaying the game.
It's time to get off that fucking hamster wheel of going
on date after date after date that goes absolutely nowhere and
actually learn how to date with confidence and clarity, right?
Because if we don't have a plan, then we don't know what we're
doing. So let's make a plan so we're
actually going to go through your non negotiables, actually
knowing what your standards are, knowing what your boundaries
are, knowing what you're actually looking for, knowing
what you bring to the table, right.
Knowing all of these things that are going to help you walk away
with your actual personalized dating Bible so that by the end
of this four weeks you are not going into dating blind, OK?
You will actually learn to write a dating profile that actually
has eyes on you versus just like flicking through and not
matching with you. OK, so you have a couple more
days to get this for 1444 before the price goes up.
So you have until the 14th of October and then the price goes
up. We're going to be starting in
November. So the details, all the things
you can read all the things in the description and I cannot
wait to welcome you in. I am so excited.
One thing I want to say about this is we're actually doing the
stuff on the calls. So yes, you have lifetime
access. They're all recorded.
If you can't make them live, that's totally fine.
You just come when you can. But if you can make it live,
like we're actually going to be doing it on the call so that
you're not just left to your own devices.
You actually have my support to be like, hey Michelle, what do
you think about this? And I'm like this, right?
So you actually have my support. So that's really cool.
So as I said, all the links and everything will be there for
you. Come join us.
I'm really fucking excited. We start November.
See you there. Love you.
OK, so just a little side note, I'm recording this a little bit
later. I just want to let you know that
Swiperite is going to start at the mid to end of November
because I'm having to have surgery.
So I just wanted to add that in there.
Happy buying. Can't wait to welcome you into
the program. All the details will be in the
description. I love you.
Let's get back to the episode. So is it that you actually want,
like do you actually want them to do the work?
Do you actually? Or do you just want to complain
and just reinforce your place as being superior to them, right?
So you can constantly put them down?
Why don't you do this? Why don't you do that, blah,
blah, blah, blah. You should be meeting me this
way right now. What usually happens when we do
the work, quote UN quote is one of two things.
Either your partner steps up to meet you or the gap becomes so
big that you can't ignore it. And This is why I feel this is
what I believe that a lot of women are afraid to actually
dive into the work, right? They may message me and say, Oh,
I really want to do your program.
I really want to work with you one-on-one.
And then when push comes to shove, they go, I can't afford
it or I don't have time or now is not a good time or, you know,
blah, blah, blah, blah, insert thing here, right?
And often it's like, because they know that they won't be
able to Unsee the shit that they're going to see in working
with me. You won't be able to ignore it
anymore, right? And so that's a deep fear that
like, well, if I start doing the work, then I'm going to have to
face some shit that I don't want to face.
And The thing is, right, most of the time your partner isn't not
doing the work because he knows it's pissing you off.
He's doing the work because he's not doing the work.
Rather, because doing the work is scary.
It's scary. It requires you to face parts of
yourself that you have probably repressed, shut down, rejected,
pushed away for years since you were probably a child.
And it can be really challenging to face those parts of yourself,
right? So can you actually just have
compassion First off for where he's at, where your partner is
at. The more that you pressure, the
more that you force, the less likely you are for that to
happen, for them to actually be immersed in it, right?
And you have to also recognize what does doing the work mean to
you, right? Does that mean he's going to
Tantra workshops? Does that mean he's going to
therapy every week? Does that mean, you know,
whatever, if he just started communicating better, would that
be doing the work? Does he actually have to go to a
workshop or hire a coach or whatever, right?
So what is it that you're actually looking for?
Something that I hear all the time.
And I think this is what this woman originally reached out
about was how can I get my man to step up and be more
masculine? First off, in you asking that
like it's already putting him down.
Like what if he was like, how can I get my woman to be more
feminine? She's quite masculine, right?
Like here's the thing, instead of criticizing him for not being
masculine enough, you lean back in your feminine.
Stop fucking saving him. Stop taking over tasks that you
give him to do. Stop cutting in and giving your
opinion about every little thing.
Stop trying to control him. You go first.
Now, I'm well aware that some of y'all are in relationships with
guys who literally have no interest in meeting your needs,
will not plan shit, don't care about your emotions, all of that
thing. And to that, I asked why you
with him? Why you with him, right?
If that's the level that we're being met at, we have to ask
ourselves, am I OK with being met at this level, right?
You can lean back in your feminine all you want, but if
he's not actually available and ready to step up, you cannot
make him step up. You actually just can't.
And so you need to get that through your head.
And I'm being super direct and I say this is so much fucking love
because I begged. I fucking cried and begged
literally on my knees to my exes.
Please, please, please go to therapy because I could just see
these like deep abandonment wounds and I was like, Oh my
God, please, please, please, please, wouldn't go, wouldn't
go, wouldn't go, right. And I continue to work on
myself. Oh my God, OK, I'm going to lean
back. I'm going to lean back.
And the more I would try, the more frustrated I would get.
Like all of the things right. So I go into this in depth in
connected woman. So if you want to know more
about like leaning back in your feminine to actually inspire him
to be in his masculine, then come join that program.
Because it really is like, it's so life changing when you can
actually learn to bring out the best in men versus bringing out
the worst, which is what we're actually trained to do as women
unconsciously right now. Here's the thing.
If you want to inspire your man to do the work, be the fucking
example, OK? Don't tell him all the shifts
that you're happening. Like I'm not saying you can't
share that with him, but what happens often is we have this
insight and we want to tell them all the things, but we don't
actually take action to integrate that thing into our
lives. I'll give you an example.
I'm begging on my knees for my partner to do the work and he's
looking at me being like, you just fucking raged at me.
Like you acted like a spoiled little brat.
Clearly the works not working, right?
And so often our partners are looking at us like, OK, but you
don't seem like anything's changed in you.
So why would I want to invest my time, money and energy into that
when like nothing's happening for you, that might be what's
happening, right? So show him, don't tell him the
impact that this work is having on your life, right?
Show him. Be the embodiment.
Be the example. Because at the end of the day,
this shit's just knowledge unless you're actually embodying
it, unless you're actually doing the things on a daily basis.
And I don't mean you have to hustle and you have to work hard
and you have to like, you know, do all the things.
But like actually building your emotional intelligence, actually
inhabiting your body, actually, like taking the time to feel
pleasure. Like, it's not a big thing.
You know, like I was getting my nails done before and this
little patch of sun was like beaming on my right shoulder.
And I was like, oh, yes, this feels so good.
You know, Like, that's like embodying pleasure in my life
right now. At the end of the day, if he's
still not interested in doing the work, you need to decide
whether or not that works for you.
OK? For me, I remember with my love
coach that I worked with a while ago, I really wrestled like
after my last breakup. I was like, OK, I actually do
think it's a non negotiable that a man is doing the work right.
And now having like my partner, you guys have heard him on the
podcast is a coach right for trauma and addiction and does a
lot of relationship work as well.
It is a fucking night and day, night and day.
I feel so met and loved and seen.
And it's not that we don't ever have projections or triggers.
We do, but we handle them in a completely different way.
And I've never felt so safe in a relationship, which is so
beautiful. So I had to be really honest
with myself that it was a non negotiable.
And I did that before I started dating again.
Like after my breakup, I was like, OK, what are my non
negotiables? And I got super clear, what are
my non negotiables? What are my deal Breakers,
right? So maybe it's not a deal breaker
that someone's not actively doing the work, but maybe like
poor communication is a deal breaker for you, right?
So this is what I'm going to in detail in my program, Swipe
Right, which is coming up in November.
So you can get in right now for 1444, I think 1444, yeah.
And that's only going until the 14th.
So you just have a couple days left for that and then the price
raises TO1888. Full price will be about 2500.
But anyways, the point of that is we go into detail like
actually on the call and you're actually putting together your
dating Bible around what your non negotiables are.
And so you can actually go into like, is it a non negotiable
that he's doing the work for me? It was right because a lot of us
are like, oh, it's a non negotiable that he's like, you
know, 62 and he has a really great job.
And like, like, that's cool if it is.
But at the end of the day, like what's really important for me
is like someone's honest. Someone communicates really
well. Someone cherishes my heart, like
all of those things. So yeah, we're going into that
in detail so that you know exactly what you're looking for.
And you know what is an actual deal breaker for you when you go
into the dating pool? So this episode is not just for
women in relationships. It's also like, you know, single
woman who have been burned by men who just have no fucking
interest in growth at all. So for me, growth both is one of
my top, top, top values. And if someone doesn't share
that with me, it's just like an automatic fuck no.
So yeah, anyways, I hope that helps.
I really loved doing this. I think this is really cool.
I think it's really helpful. I wish I had this episode, you
know, two years ago, but I didn't.
So you're welcome. I had to go through the lessons
and now I teach you. That's normally how my life
works, which is perfect. I'm so happy to do it.
I'm so happy to like be a trailblazer.
So that's kind of cool. Anyways, like share rate, review
all things, whatever you can do and I love you.
I'll chat to you in the next episode.
Thanks for coming to episode 69. Bye.
Thank you so much for tuning into the UN Fuck Your
Relationships podcast. I hope that this episode has
helped you regain yourself worth and reclaim your power.
Remember, you deserve to feel safe and secure in your
relationships. If you love what you learned, be
sure to hit that follow button so you never miss a future
episode and leave a review to help me reach more passionate
women just like you who want to heal their relationship patterns
so they can have real intimacy with men.
Don't forget to take a screenshot, share it in your
Instagram stories, and tag me at Michelle Panning.
See you back here in the next episode.