1 00:00:00,360 --> 00:00:03,560 Welcome to the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast. 2 00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:08,039 I'm Michelle Panning, your host intimacy alchemist, Trigger 3 00:00:08,039 --> 00:00:12,040 Queen and founder of The Connected Woman AKA your new go 4 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:16,200 to bestie for all things love, sex and relationships that won't 5 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:20,600 blow total smoke up your ass. I believe you deserve to have it 6 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:25,400 all, to feel worthy, confident, and have a fulfilling as fuck 7 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,880 love life. In this podcast, we're dropping 8 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:32,159 the insecurity and doubt so that you can transform into the 9 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:36,160 powerful, confident, and secure woman you know you're destined 10 00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:39,040 to be. So grab your favorite glass of 11 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:42,240 wine and let's get to work because it's time to reclaim 12 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:49,960 yourself worth baby. Hello my loves, welcome back to 13 00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,080 another episode of the Unfuck Your Relationships podcast. 14 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:58,480 This is episode 69. Y'all know that I have been 15 00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:05,880 waiting 68 episodes to get to this place because I am a 16 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:10,720 fucking teenager who has a dirty mind and still laugh when 17 00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:16,280 someone says 69 which is quite funny because I actually 18 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:21,680 personally hate the position 69. If you're new here, welcome. 19 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,800 This is how I talk. This is the vibe that you can 20 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:29,760 expect, but I personally hate 69 because I'm like OK look, I feel 21 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:33,080 like I'm not concentrating enough and not like present 22 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:38,320 enough to give a good blowjob and then like I also am not 23 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:41,320 relaxed enough to fully just receive. 24 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,440 So no one's fucking winning here. 25 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:49,200 So can we just actually take turns or do it like the old 26 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,800 fashioned way? Why do we have to like do two 27 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:55,000 things at once? Anyways, I digress. 28 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:58,080 If you like what you hear, if you're into the vibe, if you 29 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:01,160 like the fucking podcast, if you like the episode, if you get to 30 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,840 the end of this and you're like, Oh my God, this girl knows what 31 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:08,039 she's fucking talking about. Please, for the love of God, for 32 00:02:08,039 --> 00:02:11,120 the love of me, for the love of unfucking your relationships 33 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:18,000 rate review, share this podcast, any of the episodes, and tag me 34 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,960 in it on Instagram so I can know that, you know, you got 35 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,320 something out of it. I'm a Leo rising. 36 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,120 Your girl loves it. She's the words of affirmation 37 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:27,840 girl. She wants to hear it. 38 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:30,160 And it also just helps people know about the podcast. 39 00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,720 So there's that too. OK, let's get into it. 40 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,360 Today. I want to talk about something 41 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,800 that actually one of you guys reached out to me on Instagram 42 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:41,560 to ask me to well, you asked if I had any episodes on this and I 43 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,640 don't think I do. And I thought this is like, Oh 44 00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:44,880 my God, that's such a good question. 45 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,960 Basically of like, what do I do when my man doesn't want to do 46 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,680 the work? And I don't mean like he doesn't 47 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,440 want to do the work, like he doesn't want to do the dishes. 48 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,760 I mean, he doesn't want to do personal development element 49 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,320 work because let me tell ya, I have been there. 50 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:00,360 I have been there and I've had relationships not work out 51 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:02,840 because of it. Well, I mean, there's other 52 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,960 pieces as well, but that was part of it. 53 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:09,080 And I know this happens in my containers all of the time, 54 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,680 right? Like in Connected Woman, it 55 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:13,280 comes up a lot in one-on-one containers. 56 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:17,280 So I thought that I would kind of like just riff on it a little 57 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,040 bit. So let me just tell you what 58 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,480 normally happens. This is what I see. 59 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:24,960 This is what I see a lot with my one-on-one clients, connected 60 00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,920 woman clients, whoever. Basically, you come in, you 61 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:30,520 start doing all this work and you're like, Oh my God, this is 62 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:32,320 amazing. My life is changing. 63 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,080 I feel more worthy than I ever have. 64 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:37,520 I'm happier than I've ever been, feel more connected to my body. 65 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,360 I feel like my friendships are deepening. 66 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:42,240 Like everything is like fucking rocking, right? 67 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:46,000 And then what do you want to do? You want to tell everyone about 68 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,200 it, right? So you go to your partner. 69 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:51,400 You're like, babe, I'm doing this really cool course. 70 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:53,760 It's amazing. Today I learned about inner 71 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,920 child. Like have you ever connected 72 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,560 with your inner child? You should. 73 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,440 What if you did this? Oh that's just a projection. 74 00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:02,880 Oh that's your ego speaking? Oh that's a shadow. 75 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:06,480 That's your superiority shadow. Bitch, that's your superiority 76 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:10,040 shadow. What happens is you essentially 77 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:13,360 start criticizing them and telling them everything that's 78 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,480 wrong with them and how they can do it better. 79 00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,560 And I'm not saying this is a conscious thing. 80 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,560 I'm not saying this is your fault. 81 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:22,320 No one's at fault. We're all loved here, OK? 82 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,960 But it's just like, Oh my God, I'm doing such amazing things. 83 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,240 I want you to know. I want you to know because, 84 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:32,080 like, I want you to do it too. I want you to do it because 85 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,560 you'd get so much out of it. And look, as someone who's a 86 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,780 coach and as someone who's just been immersed in, quote UN 87 00:04:38,780 --> 00:04:41,760 quote, the work for quite a number of years now, it's very 88 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:44,400 easy to like spot other people's shit. 89 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:46,880 You know, like that's what I do for a living. 90 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,160 That's why people pay me the big bucks, because I can spot your 91 00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,120 blind spots. The things that you are probably 92 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,560 choosing not to see, I can see it and reflect them back to you, 93 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,360 right? But this is what people start to 94 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:01,240 do in their relationships. Don't do that. 95 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:03,840 Don't do that. Yeah, like, even in my 96 00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:07,080 relationship, right? I'm sure Drew sees some blind 97 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:10,680 spots of mine, right? And I see blind spots of his. 98 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:13,880 I'm not going to point them out. I'm not going to point them out 99 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:17,640 unless we have a specific container where that is part of 100 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,280 it. If you're new here, Drew is my 101 00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:21,720 partner. We have a monthly check in every 102 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,560 month, like a relationship check in. 103 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,280 And one of the questions is basically like what are my line 104 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,240 slots? I'm not seeing. 105 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,520 I can't remember the exact question, but it's basically 106 00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:32,080 something like that. So that's like a container where 107 00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,280 that is available to do. Right. 108 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:38,480 But in general, pointing out someone's flaws is not the way 109 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:42,160 to inspire them to do the work. OK, Think about when a friend 110 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,640 reads a new personal development work, a personal development 111 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:49,000 book, or she finds a new coach or whatever, and then she starts 112 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,920 telling you all the things that you should be doing and how your 113 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,640 life would be better if only you would do. 114 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:55,240 What do you want to do? Does that make you go, oh, my 115 00:05:55,240 --> 00:05:57,000 God, you're so right. I think I want to read that book 116 00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:00,280 too or Yeah, you're so right. I want to work with that coach. 117 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:02,000 That's amazing. Thank you for pointing out how 118 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:05,040 shit I am with money or like, whatever. 119 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,640 Right. Oh, thank you for pointing out 120 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:07,880 that I'm codependent. Like, cheers. 121 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,800 What do you want to do? You want to fucking rebel and 122 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,560 you want to Chuck that shit out the window, right? 123 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,520 You're like, get out of here. Get on my face. 124 00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:16,520 That was unsolicited. OK? 125 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,800 That's what's probably happening with your partner right now. 126 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:24,880 I'm saying that's a possibility. That's a possibility. 127 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:29,480 OK? Men are also way smarter than 128 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,760 you give them credit for. OK, let me back up. 129 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:36,000 Let me back up. People are way smarter than you 130 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:40,160 give them credit for, OK? Even if you're not into energy 131 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,960 work, we are sensitive to energy. 132 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:46,200 We can feel when something is off, right? 133 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,440 When your actions are not aligning with your words or like 134 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,560 your words are saying one thing and your energy saying another. 135 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:55,400 So the reason I mentioned that is because they can pick up on 136 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:59,040 your subtle manipulation tactics of just like quietly mentioning 137 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:02,960 things, you know, like dropping the way of the superior man by 138 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,960 David Data on his fucking night stand. 139 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,920 I mean, like, I don't know how that got there, right? 140 00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:12,280 That's not the way to inspire him to quote UN quote, be more 141 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:15,320 masculine, right? Or if you're a man listening to 142 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:19,800 this, you know, like putting, I don't know, makeup in her drawer 143 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,120 is not the way to inspire her to be more feminine. 144 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,200 Not that, you know, makeup has to do with being feminine, but 145 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:27,800 you know what I mean? The way that I would approach 146 00:07:27,800 --> 00:07:31,840 this right is actually to just set a container and speak from 147 00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:35,640 what you desire. Ask for what you want, be 148 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:39,800 direct, right? What happens is the way that a 149 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:45,360 lot of women go about trying to get their man to do the thing, 150 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:49,960 go to a workshop or whatever is like by being kind of subtle and 151 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:54,080 hinting at it or criticizing. But here's the thing, in every 152 00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:55,840 single criticism, there's a desire. 153 00:07:56,120 --> 00:08:00,720 Let that land hear it again. In every criticism, there's a 154 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:03,760 desire. If you criticize him for being 155 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,680 irresponsible, there's the desire for him to be 156 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,920 responsible, right? You get what I mean? 157 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:13,400 So it's like I could say to my ex, you know, I wish you would 158 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,480 just go to like a men's, you know, and I did do this. 159 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,760 I did do This is why this podcast is so great because I 160 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,880 speak from my experience. I speak from all my, you know, 161 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:27,960 misfortunes and mistakes. So, you know, I would speak to 162 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:30,880 my ex and be like, oh, I really wish she would do like this, 163 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,200 like, Tantra workshop. Like, I just don't feel like I'm 164 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:36,440 being met in this aspect or like, you can't handle my 165 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:38,640 emotion or whatever. Do you really think that 166 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,400 inspires him to be like, oh, yeah, I want to work on that. 167 00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:46,000 Or like, what I would love is if you like, engage in this with 168 00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,040 me. It's actually really important 169 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:50,880 to me. I want to be able to do these 170 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,680 practices with you because it makes me feel alive. 171 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:55,120 It makes me feel connected to you. 172 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:58,360 It makes me feel turned on, right? 173 00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:02,480 So speaking from actual desire rather than criticism, there's a 174 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:05,800 big difference. There's a big difference in how 175 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,320 you're going to be received in that, right? 176 00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:11,480 As soon as you feel criticized or attacked, what are you going 177 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:12,440 to do? You're going to get fucking 178 00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:16,400 defensive and reject whatever they're saying, right? 179 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:22,560 So see if you can soften into your heart, into your desire and 180 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:24,280 like, what would him doing the work? 181 00:09:24,280 --> 00:09:29,760 What would that provide for you? OK, now notice this is like very 182 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:34,080 sneaky notice where your shadow of superiority comes out. 183 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,880 OK, that now that you're doing the work, you're better than 184 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:39,840 them. Where do you actually find 185 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:43,120 safety and comfort in that? So I'll share a couple of 186 00:09:43,120 --> 00:09:46,880 stories. So 1 was a few years ago, I had 187 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:50,400 like a best friend and you know, I was really into like summon 188 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:53,680 and embodiment stuff and doing these relationship workshops and 189 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:56,800 all of these things. And I was like, in my eyes, I 190 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,320 was like, your relationships are a mess. 191 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,360 Let me help you. Even though my relationships 192 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:04,200 were a fucking mess, like hello. But I was like, oh, let me help 193 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,240 you here, do these workshops is going to be amazing, right? 194 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:10,280 And now these workshops I was assisting slash like 195 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:12,280 apprenticing to be a facilitator of. 196 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:15,680 So I felt quite well, first in the work, you know, and I'm 197 00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:19,560 like, I'm not just a regular participant, I'm actually like a 198 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:22,960 facilitator, like a top super babe assistant. 199 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,480 Yuck. So I felt some sort of like 200 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,360 superiority being there, right? Like I could just sit at the 201 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,040 front. Oh, cool. 202 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:34,280 So anyway, so she came to two of these workshops that I was 203 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:38,280 assisting at and I, I was the one who begged her to be there. 204 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:42,320 And yet I was so fucking triggered by her being there 205 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:45,320 because I was like, I could see the part of me that went, no, 206 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:48,000 this is my thing. This is my thing. 207 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:53,360 And I found safety and comfort in being the woke one, right? 208 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:57,080 And so this also happened with the relationships, the romantic 209 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:59,280 relationships that I was choosing. 210 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:03,560 OK, I would continue to choose people who were not doing the 211 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,960 work and emotionally unavailable. 212 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,280 And then I would complained that they weren't doing the work and 213 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:09,640 they were emotionally unavailable. 214 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,560 But it was basically just so I could maintain my status as 215 00:11:12,560 --> 00:11:15,600 being the woke one, right? I'm the one who is emotionally 216 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,520 available. I'm the one who's embodied. 217 00:11:17,720 --> 00:11:19,560 I'm the one who communicates well. 218 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,640 I'm the one who's emotionally intelligent. 219 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:25,520 I'm no, no, no, no, really, it was just my superiority thing 220 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:29,160 because if I actually put myself in the room with people who were 221 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,120 doing the work, I felt deeply fucking inferior. 222 00:11:32,560 --> 00:11:34,840 And that happened. I really felt that when I went 223 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:38,400 to this retreat where I met my partner, like that first day, I 224 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:41,720 was like, Oh my God, I was overwhelmed with fear. 225 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,680 Actually got the reflection that I have a big fuck off wall 226 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:49,280 around me to which everyone by the end of the week was like, Oh 227 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,640 my God, It's been such a pleasure to see you really 228 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:55,680 soften over the past week and let people in and open your 229 00:11:55,680 --> 00:11:57,600 heart. And like, I was only like that 230 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,640 because I was really fucking afraid and I was having such 231 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,120 intense feelings of inferiority because these are people who 232 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:08,120 hire, you know, pretty much everyone there is a coach or has 233 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,320 been doing the work for years on end. 234 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:14,080 And so, you know, I'm potentially the newbie in there. 235 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,120 And that was quite confronting, right? 236 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,280 OK, so I wanted to interrupt this episode to just let you 237 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:24,240 know that there are a couple more days to join. 238 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:27,080 Swipe right, which is my signature program to help you 239 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,080 date like a motherfucking queen. Basically, stop playing the 240 00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:31,720 game. Start slaying the game. 241 00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:35,280 It's time to get off that fucking hamster wheel of going 242 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:38,640 on date after date after date that goes absolutely nowhere and 243 00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:41,520 actually learn how to date with confidence and clarity, right? 244 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,880 Because if we don't have a plan, then we don't know what we're 245 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,040 doing. So let's make a plan so we're 246 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:49,480 actually going to go through your non negotiables, actually 247 00:12:49,480 --> 00:12:51,880 knowing what your standards are, knowing what your boundaries 248 00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:54,880 are, knowing what you're actually looking for, knowing 249 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:57,440 what you bring to the table, right. 250 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:01,240 Knowing all of these things that are going to help you walk away 251 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:05,040 with your actual personalized dating Bible so that by the end 252 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:10,480 of this four weeks you are not going into dating blind, OK? 253 00:13:10,520 --> 00:13:13,560 You will actually learn to write a dating profile that actually 254 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:17,920 has eyes on you versus just like flicking through and not 255 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:21,240 matching with you. OK, so you have a couple more 256 00:13:21,240 --> 00:13:24,920 days to get this for 1444 before the price goes up. 257 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:29,040 So you have until the 14th of October and then the price goes 258 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,360 up. We're going to be starting in 259 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,440 November. So the details, all the things 260 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,320 you can read all the things in the description and I cannot 261 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:39,600 wait to welcome you in. I am so excited. 262 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,160 One thing I want to say about this is we're actually doing the 263 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,680 stuff on the calls. So yes, you have lifetime 264 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:45,880 access. They're all recorded. 265 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,880 If you can't make them live, that's totally fine. 266 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:51,840 You just come when you can. But if you can make it live, 267 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:54,120 like we're actually going to be doing it on the call so that 268 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:55,760 you're not just left to your own devices. 269 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,440 You actually have my support to be like, hey Michelle, what do 270 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,720 you think about this? And I'm like this, right? 271 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:04,200 So you actually have my support. So that's really cool. 272 00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:07,920 So as I said, all the links and everything will be there for 273 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,280 you. Come join us. 274 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,320 I'm really fucking excited. We start November. 275 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:12,720 See you there. Love you. 276 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:16,880 OK, so just a little side note, I'm recording this a little bit 277 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,000 later. I just want to let you know that 278 00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:23,840 Swiperite is going to start at the mid to end of November 279 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:26,000 because I'm having to have surgery. 280 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,360 So I just wanted to add that in there. 281 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:30,800 Happy buying. Can't wait to welcome you into 282 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,560 the program. All the details will be in the 283 00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:35,200 description. I love you. 284 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:40,320 Let's get back to the episode. So is it that you actually want, 285 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:42,200 like do you actually want them to do the work? 286 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,240 Do you actually? Or do you just want to complain 287 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:50,040 and just reinforce your place as being superior to them, right? 288 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:51,400 So you can constantly put them down? 289 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,000 Why don't you do this? Why don't you do that, blah, 290 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,640 blah, blah, blah. You should be meeting me this 291 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,960 way right now. What usually happens when we do 292 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,800 the work, quote UN quote is one of two things. 293 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:05,760 Either your partner steps up to meet you or the gap becomes so 294 00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:10,520 big that you can't ignore it. And This is why I feel this is 295 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:14,240 what I believe that a lot of women are afraid to actually 296 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:16,800 dive into the work, right? They may message me and say, Oh, 297 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,040 I really want to do your program. 298 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,440 I really want to work with you one-on-one. 299 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:22,600 And then when push comes to shove, they go, I can't afford 300 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:26,360 it or I don't have time or now is not a good time or, you know, 301 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:29,520 blah, blah, blah, blah, insert thing here, right? 302 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:33,360 And often it's like, because they know that they won't be 303 00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,480 able to Unsee the shit that they're going to see in working 304 00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:39,120 with me. You won't be able to ignore it 305 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,240 anymore, right? And so that's a deep fear that 306 00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:45,760 like, well, if I start doing the work, then I'm going to have to 307 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,880 face some shit that I don't want to face. 308 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:52,920 And The thing is, right, most of the time your partner isn't not 309 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:56,080 doing the work because he knows it's pissing you off. 310 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:59,520 He's doing the work because he's not doing the work. 311 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:03,560 Rather, because doing the work is scary. 312 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,720 It's scary. It requires you to face parts of 313 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:11,360 yourself that you have probably repressed, shut down, rejected, 314 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:15,800 pushed away for years since you were probably a child. 315 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,480 And it can be really challenging to face those parts of yourself, 316 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:22,240 right? So can you actually just have 317 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,840 compassion First off for where he's at, where your partner is 318 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:27,880 at. The more that you pressure, the 319 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:31,880 more that you force, the less likely you are for that to 320 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:35,800 happen, for them to actually be immersed in it, right? 321 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:41,120 And you have to also recognize what does doing the work mean to 322 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,480 you, right? Does that mean he's going to 323 00:16:43,480 --> 00:16:45,600 Tantra workshops? Does that mean he's going to 324 00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,960 therapy every week? Does that mean, you know, 325 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:51,520 whatever, if he just started communicating better, would that 326 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,800 be doing the work? Does he actually have to go to a 327 00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:57,160 workshop or hire a coach or whatever, right? 328 00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,240 So what is it that you're actually looking for? 329 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,320 Something that I hear all the time. 330 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,359 And I think this is what this woman originally reached out 331 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:08,800 about was how can I get my man to step up and be more 332 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:12,280 masculine? First off, in you asking that 333 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:13,880 like it's already putting him down. 334 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,680 Like what if he was like, how can I get my woman to be more 335 00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,640 feminine? She's quite masculine, right? 336 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:23,319 Like here's the thing, instead of criticizing him for not being 337 00:17:23,319 --> 00:17:27,160 masculine enough, you lean back in your feminine. 338 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:31,480 Stop fucking saving him. Stop taking over tasks that you 339 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,760 give him to do. Stop cutting in and giving your 340 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,640 opinion about every little thing. 341 00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:40,160 Stop trying to control him. You go first. 342 00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:45,240 Now, I'm well aware that some of y'all are in relationships with 343 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:48,480 guys who literally have no interest in meeting your needs, 344 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:53,320 will not plan shit, don't care about your emotions, all of that 345 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,360 thing. And to that, I asked why you 346 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:57,840 with him? Why you with him, right? 347 00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:00,880 If that's the level that we're being met at, we have to ask 348 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:04,080 ourselves, am I OK with being met at this level, right? 349 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,560 You can lean back in your feminine all you want, but if 350 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:12,160 he's not actually available and ready to step up, you cannot 351 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:15,160 make him step up. You actually just can't. 352 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,280 And so you need to get that through your head. 353 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,920 And I'm being super direct and I say this is so much fucking love 354 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:24,720 because I begged. I fucking cried and begged 355 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,160 literally on my knees to my exes. 356 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,320 Please, please, please go to therapy because I could just see 357 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:33,960 these like deep abandonment wounds and I was like, Oh my 358 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:37,320 God, please, please, please, please, wouldn't go, wouldn't 359 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,600 go, wouldn't go, right. And I continue to work on 360 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,240 myself. Oh my God, OK, I'm going to lean 361 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:43,320 back. I'm going to lean back. 362 00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,960 And the more I would try, the more frustrated I would get. 363 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:50,440 Like all of the things right. So I go into this in depth in 364 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:52,680 connected woman. So if you want to know more 365 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:56,160 about like leaning back in your feminine to actually inspire him 366 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:58,960 to be in his masculine, then come join that program. 367 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:03,440 Because it really is like, it's so life changing when you can 368 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:07,040 actually learn to bring out the best in men versus bringing out 369 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:10,400 the worst, which is what we're actually trained to do as women 370 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:13,160 unconsciously right now. Here's the thing. 371 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:18,640 If you want to inspire your man to do the work, be the fucking 372 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:23,160 example, OK? Don't tell him all the shifts 373 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,200 that you're happening. Like I'm not saying you can't 374 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:28,960 share that with him, but what happens often is we have this 375 00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,120 insight and we want to tell them all the things, but we don't 376 00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:33,840 actually take action to integrate that thing into our 377 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,560 lives. I'll give you an example. 378 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:39,680 I'm begging on my knees for my partner to do the work and he's 379 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:42,680 looking at me being like, you just fucking raged at me. 380 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:47,160 Like you acted like a spoiled little brat. 381 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:50,280 Clearly the works not working, right? 382 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:53,280 And so often our partners are looking at us like, OK, but you 383 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,480 don't seem like anything's changed in you. 384 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:59,800 So why would I want to invest my time, money and energy into that 385 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:02,920 when like nothing's happening for you, that might be what's 386 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:06,760 happening, right? So show him, don't tell him the 387 00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:09,480 impact that this work is having on your life, right? 388 00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:11,920 Show him. Be the embodiment. 389 00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,360 Be the example. Because at the end of the day, 390 00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:17,360 this shit's just knowledge unless you're actually embodying 391 00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:20,160 it, unless you're actually doing the things on a daily basis. 392 00:20:20,160 --> 00:20:22,120 And I don't mean you have to hustle and you have to work hard 393 00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:23,880 and you have to like, you know, do all the things. 394 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,360 But like actually building your emotional intelligence, actually 395 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:30,480 inhabiting your body, actually, like taking the time to feel 396 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,160 pleasure. Like, it's not a big thing. 397 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,600 You know, like I was getting my nails done before and this 398 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:39,600 little patch of sun was like beaming on my right shoulder. 399 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:42,880 And I was like, oh, yes, this feels so good. 400 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,560 You know, Like, that's like embodying pleasure in my life 401 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:48,720 right now. At the end of the day, if he's 402 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:52,480 still not interested in doing the work, you need to decide 403 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:53,840 whether or not that works for you. 404 00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:57,400 OK? For me, I remember with my love 405 00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:01,040 coach that I worked with a while ago, I really wrestled like 406 00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:05,040 after my last breakup. I was like, OK, I actually do 407 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:08,760 think it's a non negotiable that a man is doing the work right. 408 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:13,120 And now having like my partner, you guys have heard him on the 409 00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:16,880 podcast is a coach right for trauma and addiction and does a 410 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:18,360 lot of relationship work as well. 411 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:21,760 It is a fucking night and day, night and day. 412 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,480 I feel so met and loved and seen. 413 00:21:24,480 --> 00:21:27,800 And it's not that we don't ever have projections or triggers. 414 00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:31,720 We do, but we handle them in a completely different way. 415 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,720 And I've never felt so safe in a relationship, which is so 416 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:37,280 beautiful. So I had to be really honest 417 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,960 with myself that it was a non negotiable. 418 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:42,400 And I did that before I started dating again. 419 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,820 Like after my breakup, I was like, OK, what are my non 420 00:21:45,820 --> 00:21:48,040 negotiables? And I got super clear, what are 421 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,200 my non negotiables? What are my deal Breakers, 422 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,040 right? So maybe it's not a deal breaker 423 00:21:52,040 --> 00:21:55,080 that someone's not actively doing the work, but maybe like 424 00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,040 poor communication is a deal breaker for you, right? 425 00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:02,080 So this is what I'm going to in detail in my program, Swipe 426 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:03,440 Right, which is coming up in November. 427 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:11,400 So you can get in right now for 1444, I think 1444, yeah. 428 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:14,800 And that's only going until the 14th. 429 00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:18,520 So you just have a couple days left for that and then the price 430 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:22,520 raises TO1888. Full price will be about 2500. 431 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:26,360 But anyways, the point of that is we go into detail like 432 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,480 actually on the call and you're actually putting together your 433 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,960 dating Bible around what your non negotiables are. 434 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:34,880 And so you can actually go into like, is it a non negotiable 435 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,160 that he's doing the work for me? It was right because a lot of us 436 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,600 are like, oh, it's a non negotiable that he's like, you 437 00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:43,320 know, 62 and he has a really great job. 438 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:46,280 And like, like, that's cool if it is. 439 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:49,120 But at the end of the day, like what's really important for me 440 00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,400 is like someone's honest. Someone communicates really 441 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,760 well. Someone cherishes my heart, like 442 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:56,840 all of those things. So yeah, we're going into that 443 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,560 in detail so that you know exactly what you're looking for. 444 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:03,680 And you know what is an actual deal breaker for you when you go 445 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:06,520 into the dating pool? So this episode is not just for 446 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,360 women in relationships. It's also like, you know, single 447 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:12,000 woman who have been burned by men who just have no fucking 448 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,240 interest in growth at all. So for me, growth both is one of 449 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,720 my top, top, top values. And if someone doesn't share 450 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:20,320 that with me, it's just like an automatic fuck no. 451 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:24,080 So yeah, anyways, I hope that helps. 452 00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:26,200 I really loved doing this. I think this is really cool. 453 00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,600 I think it's really helpful. I wish I had this episode, you 454 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,480 know, two years ago, but I didn't. 455 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,200 So you're welcome. I had to go through the lessons 456 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,360 and now I teach you. That's normally how my life 457 00:23:35,360 --> 00:23:37,880 works, which is perfect. I'm so happy to do it. 458 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:40,360 I'm so happy to like be a trailblazer. 459 00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:44,400 So that's kind of cool. Anyways, like share rate, review 460 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:48,520 all things, whatever you can do and I love you. 461 00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:50,040 I'll chat to you in the next episode. 462 00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,800 Thanks for coming to episode 69. Bye. 463 00:23:59,090 --> 00:24:01,530 Thank you so much for tuning into the UN Fuck Your 464 00:24:01,530 --> 00:24:04,370 Relationships podcast. I hope that this episode has 465 00:24:04,370 --> 00:24:07,370 helped you regain yourself worth and reclaim your power. 466 00:24:07,810 --> 00:24:11,250 Remember, you deserve to feel safe and secure in your 467 00:24:11,250 --> 00:24:13,970 relationships. If you love what you learned, be 468 00:24:13,970 --> 00:24:16,410 sure to hit that follow button so you never miss a future 469 00:24:16,410 --> 00:24:19,680 episode and leave a review to help me reach more passionate 470 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:22,600 women just like you who want to heal their relationship patterns 471 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:25,360 so they can have real intimacy with men. 472 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,040 Don't forget to take a screenshot, share it in your 473 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,520 Instagram stories, and tag me at Michelle Panning. 474 00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:33,240 See you back here in the next episode.