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Welcome to the Unfuck Your 
Relationships podcast, the show 

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where we are no longer just 
unfucking your love life, we are

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unfucking your entire life. 
Because around here, we raise 

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standards, we break patterns, we
do the shadow work, we upgrade 

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yourself concept, your 
boundaries, your confidence, 

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your relationships, your health,
your money, all of it. 

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There is no fluff here. 
There's no pretending, there's 

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no performing. 
Just radical, sometimes brutal 

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honesty, truth telling, and the 
kind of big sister best friend 

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energy that calls you the fuck 
forward. 

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So if you are ready to stop 
settling for the bare minimum 

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and you are finally ready to 
become the woman that you are so

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proud to wake up as in the 
morning, you are in the right 

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place. 
So let's unfuck your life one 

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episode at a time. 
All right, now let's get into 

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today's episode. 
Hello, my loves. 

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Welcome back to the Unfuck Your 
Relationships podcast. 

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I'm your host, Michelle Panning,
and this is episode 240. 

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Today we are talking about 
something that is going to make 

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so many of you go, Oh my fucking
God. 

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That's what we've been actually 
been fighting about. 

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And it's this, right? 
Healthy needs versus unhealthy 

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needs in your relationship 
because most of the time, you're

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not actually fighting about the 
dishes. 

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Well, you're never actually 
fighting about the dishes, 

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right? 
You're fighting to feel 

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respected. 
You're not fighting about sex. 

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You're fighting to feel wanted, 
to feel desired, to feel safe, 

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right. 
You're not fighting about your 

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partner working late. 
You're fighting about feeling 

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prioritized and considered. 
So needs are underneath almost 

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every blow up, almost every 
shutdown, almost every passive 

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aggressive Ensign right? 
And almost every like whatever I

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don't give a fuck do whatever 
you want moment. 

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And I want to start by saying 
this clearly having needs does 

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not make you needy. 
It makes you human. 

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You literally cannot be in a 
relationship without needs. 

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And I even have to remind myself
because me leaning a little bit 

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more avoidant, I'm like, you 
know, my partner will come to me

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with needs. 
And I'm like, Oh my God, she 

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wants to make me responsible for
her emotional world. 

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Oh my God, she wants to like 
swallow me whole and engulf me. 

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And I'm like, Nope, she is a 
human and she has a need and 

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that is valid. 
And I can say whether or not I 

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have the capacity to meet that 
need or maybe I need to 

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renegotiate the need, right? 
So the problem is not that you 

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have needs. 
The problem is when you don't 

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understand what you need. 
You don't communicate what you 

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need, and you shame yourself for
what you need, or you try to get

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what you need in ways that are 
destructive. 

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And then you're both fucking 
confused as to why the 

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relationship feels like pulling 
shit uphill, right? 

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So today I'm going to give you 
the framework to help you sort 

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through the difference between 
needs that are healthy and 

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appropriate versus needs that 
are unhealthy and inappropriate.

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And I'm going to do that in a 
way that is classic Michelle 

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direct, useful, and actually 
makes sense in real fucking 

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life, not just theory. 
OK now before we get into the 

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list of what I want to take you 
through, I want you to clock 

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something with me. 
When someone says you're too 

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needy, 9 times out of 10 what 
they mean is exactly what I 

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shared with me and my partner 
right? 

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Your needs activate my shit and 
that is not the same thing as 

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your needs being wrong. 
So when you say I don't need 

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anything, that's not you being 
fucking enlightened. 

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I hate to tell you that's 
usually dissociation or 

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avoidance or a lifetime of being
taught that your needs were 

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fucking inconvenient. 
And if we look at this from a 

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shadow work lens, a lot of the 
ways that we act in 

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relationships are not our 
personality, right? 

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That that's, that's just who I 
am. 

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That's my personality. 
No, they're protection 

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strategies. 
So your nervous system learned 

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how to survive love a long ass 
time ago, and now it tries to 

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keep you safe even when what 
it's doing is destroying the 

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intimate intimacy that you so 
deeply crave. 

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So as you listen, I don't want 
you to weaponize this against 

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your partner. 
Like see you're fucking 

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unhealthy and I also don't want 
you to weaponize it against 

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yourself. 
Like I'm such a problem, I'm 

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broken, I'm a loser. 
Like no, I want you to listen 

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and ask what do I do when I 
don't feel safe? 

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What does my partner do when 
they don't feel safe? 

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And what would it look like to 
create a relationship where both

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of our healthy needs matter and 
our unhealthy coping strategies 

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aren't running the show? 
OK, so first we're going to talk

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about healthy needs and 
relationships. 

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These are the needs that create 
safety, connection, trust, and 

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intimacy. 
They're not about control. 

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They're not about domination. 
They're not about making your 

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partner responsible for your 
entire emotional world, right? 

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That's not healthy, which we'll 
get into. 

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They're needs that every secure 
relationship has some version 

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of, even if the couple expresses
them differently. 

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So the first healthy need is 
respect. 

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And yes, I'm starting here 
because without respect, you can

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keep your chemistry, you can 
keep your shared interests, you 

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can keep your history, but you 
will not keep your relationship 

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long term. 
Respect means you treat me like 

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an equal. 
Respect means you don't speak to

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me like I'm a fucking idiot. 
You don't roll your eyes when 

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I'm emotional. 
You don't mock me. 

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You don't call me names. 
You don't punish me with 

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silence. 
Kind of remember like a partner 

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like years ago for his work, he 
used to like work away sometimes

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he wasn't fly in, fly out, but 
like just every so often he 

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would have to like work away for
like a week. 

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And him and I had gotten into an
argument and rather than like, 

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and I understood that he needed 
space, but rather than 

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communicating that he needed 
space, he refused to speak to me

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the entire time he was gone, 
which was like a week or 10 days

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or something like that. 
Would leave my text on read, 

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would not answer any of my 
calls. 

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And we were like a year into a 
relationship. 

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Not very respectful, right? 
So respect means even when 

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you're fucking pissed off, you 
still remember that I'm someone 

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that you love, not someone that 
you're trying to win against. 

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And for some of you, you've 
actually normalized disrespect 

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because you probably grew up 
with it, right? 

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Your shadow might be that you 
confuse disrespect with passion 

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or strong personalities, or 
that's just how we fight, bitch.

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Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, 
no, no, no, no. 

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If you don't feel respected, 
your body will not relax. 

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And if your body can't relax, 
intimacy dies. 

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And This is why so many of you 
like, can't switch off sexually 

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or you can't feel present or you
don't feel open because your 

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nervous system is like, why the 
fuck would I soften around 

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someone who makes me feel just 
tiny or treats me like an 

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infant, right? 
Respect is a healthy need. 

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It's not negotiable. 
It's not negotiable. 

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OK? 
The next healthy need is 

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emotionally safe communication, 
especially during conflict. 

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And I want you to hear me right.
You do not need perfect 

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communication. 
You need communication that 

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doesn't destroy the bond between
the two of you because a lot of 

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couples are like, we communicate
fine. 

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What they actually mean is we 
don't talk about anything real 

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until we're both at breaking 
point, right? 

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Healthy communication means that
you can bring things up with 

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vulnerability and respect 
without attacking, criticizing, 

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blaming, yelling, doing the 
passive aggressive thing where 

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you're technically calm but your
tone is like dripping and 

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fucking poison and venom right 
Hi guilty of that one. 

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And like, that's where I would 
hide behind of being like, but 

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like I haven't said anything 
rude, but my tone was very, not 

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very kind, right? 
So it also means that when your 

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partner brings something up, you
don't immediately go into 

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defensiveness, defensiveness, 
dismissiveness or invalidating 

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them, right? 
A secure relationship has space 

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for feelings. 
It has room for repair. 

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It has room for hey, that landed
weird. 

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Can we talk about that, right? 
One of the biggest shifts that 

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you can make is swapping you 
always and you never for when 

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this happened, I felt this. 
And what I needed was this. 

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And before you roll your eyes 
and go, that's fucking therapy 

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talk. 
It's not fucking therapy talk. 

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It's called being an adult. 
It's called emotional maturity. 

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And if you want adult love, you 
need adult communication. 

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And yes, the research is clear 
that how you start conflict 

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matters. 
But I don't need you to like, 

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memorize stats, right? 
I need you to understand this 

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principle. 
If you have a harsh start, 

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you're going to have a harsh 
outcome. 

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If you have a soft start, that's
where repair is possible. 

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So you don't need to be perfect,
but you do need to be a safe 

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fucking human. 
Another healthy need is 

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emotional safety, and this one 
is bigger than people realize. 

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Emotional safety means I can say
no without you punishing me. 

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I can have a boundary without 
you sulking in the fucking 

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corner. 
I can bring something up that 

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hurt me without you flipping it 
around and making me the 

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problem. 
I can be honest without you 

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exploding or stonewalling, which
by the way, the guy who I was in

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a relationship with and like 
refused to speak to me for a 

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week. 
That's called stonewalling and 

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it's a form of emotional abuse. 
Anyways, emotional safety is 

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what makes intimacy possible 
because intimacy requires risk 

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and no one is risking their 
heart with someone who traits 

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vulnerability like an 
inconvenience. 

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And I want you to clock this 
right, because you might say 

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that you want closeness, but 
your nervous system has a 

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pattern of punishing closeness. 
So your partner, let's say your 

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partner, tells you something 
vulnerable and then you use it 

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against them later. 
Or your partner cries and you 

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get the ick. 
Your partner asks for 

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reassurance and you dismiss 
them. 

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That's not because you're evil. 
I have done all of these things,

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right? 
It's because you learned that 

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emotions were unsafe or that you
were responsible for other 

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people's emotions, and so now 
your body reacts like they're 

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dangerous. 
This is fucking shadow work, OK?

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This is the shit that we do in 
the Connected Woman. 

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Your conditioning is running 
your relationship until you 

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interrupt it, right? 
This is why I'm so passionate 

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about shadow work, because it's 
the, it's the process of 

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bringing the unconscious into 
the conscious so that you can 

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then interrupt it and then shift
it, right? 

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That is literally the whole 
premise of the Connected Woman. 

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Now another healthy need is 
feeling valued and appreciated. 

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And I just want to put this like
really fucking plainly. 

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Love without appreciation turns 
into resentment. 

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You can be loyal and still feel 
lonely. 

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You can be committed and still 
feel unseen. 

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Appreciation is not just oh 
thanks, it's I see you. 

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It's noticing the effort, it's 
acknowledging the mental load. 

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It's saying I love who you are 
and what you bring into my life.

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And for some of you, the reason 
that you keep picking fights is 

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because appreciation has 
completely fucking dried up and 

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your nervous system is trying to
get any attention any way that 

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it can right now. 
Sometimes your anger is just 

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grief for what you're not 
receiving, and sometimes you're 

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nagging is actually a desperate 
attempt to feel like you fucking

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matter right now. 
That doesn't mean that you 

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should nag, but it means you 
need to learn to communicate the

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need underneath the behavior, 
right? 

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You're not actually mad about 
the bin. 

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You're feeling taken for 
granted, right? 

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You need to feel like we're on a
team or you're on a team, right?

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That one sentence can save you 
years of pointless fights. 

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Another healthy need is 
consistency and follow through. 

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So if you say you're going to do
something, do it. 

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If you make a promise, keep it. 
If you can't keep it, 

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communicate. 
We're not asking for perfection 

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here, right? 
Trust is not built on grand 

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gestures. 
It's built on reliability. 

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And I remember being in a 
relationship and they were very 

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good at like romantic grand 
gestures, you know? 

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And I'd never experienced that 
before. 

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00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,080
I was like, whoa, this is so 
new, this is incredible. 

230
00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,240
But on the day-to-day, I felt 
like I couldn't really rely on 

231
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,080
this person, right? 
And that eroded trust. 

232
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,280
And a lot of women in 
relationships with inconsistent 

233
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:29,160
partners are constantly 
dysregulated because their 

234
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:32,520
nervous system is scanning for 
what version of him am I going 

235
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,600
to get today, right? 
Is it the affectionate version? 

236
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:38,440
The distant version? 
The defensive version? 

237
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:42,040
The version who promises change?
The version who disappears into 

238
00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:46,160
his fucking phone, right? 
Consistency is a healthy need 

239
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,960
because inconsistency makes you 
feel unsafe. 

240
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,960
Now if you're the inconsistent 
one, this is where you need to 

241
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:56,160
grow the fuck up and stop acting
like being flaky is a 

242
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:59,280
personality quirk. 
It's not quirky, it's not fun, 

243
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:02,600
it's not cute, it erodes trust. 
Now again, you're going to have 

244
00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,480
off days. 
It's not asking you to be like 

245
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:07,000
smiling Sally all all day every 
day. 

246
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:11,200
No, but it's actually like, OK, 
who am I showing up as in this 

247
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:12,960
relationship? 
Now? 

248
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:16,440
Another healthy need is 
accountability and repair. 

249
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,640
And I'm going to give you a 
little punchier distinction 

250
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:23,480
here, right? 
There are cheap apologies and 

251
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:28,120
then there are real apologies. 
Cheap apologies are sorry. 

252
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,040
I'm sorry you feel that way. 
It was a joke. 

253
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,200
Can you just get over it? 
I already said sorry. 

254
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:35,480
Why are you still talking about 
it? 

255
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:40,600
Real apologies sound like I care
about how my words impacted you.

256
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:45,240
I can see why you felt that way.
This was my role in it. 

257
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,640
I'm sorry. 
Here's what I'm going to do 

258
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:50,840
differently next time. 
That's repair, right? 

259
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,680
There's real accountability in 
that. 

260
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,000
Accountability isn't just saying
sorry. 

261
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:59,520
It's understanding impact, 
taking ownership, and changing 

262
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,240
behavior. 
And if you've been in a 

263
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:05,040
relationship where your partner 
refuses accountability, you know

264
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:09,480
exactly how lonely that feels. 
You start to feel like you're 

265
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:12,480
the only one who gives a shit 
about the emotional health of 

266
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:15,840
the relationship. 
That's emotional labor, and that

267
00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:18,480
is exhaustion. 
Another healthy need that people

268
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:21,440
avoid talking about is 
forgiveness. 

269
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:25,640
And I love this one because it's
very mature, right? 

270
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:29,520
Forgiveness doesn't mean 
bypassing harm or pretending 

271
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,960
things didn't happen. 
It means you are willing to 

272
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:37,000
repair and move forward. 
Relationships require short 

273
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,760
accounts, right? 
You cannot keep bringing up a 

274
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:42,520
mistake from a year ago every 
time you fight. 

275
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,520
If you're still hurting, that's 
valid. 

276
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,520
But then the question is, are 
you actually working towards 

277
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:52,000
healing or are you holding on to
resentment because it makes you 

278
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,960
feel safer than being vulnerable
again, right? 

279
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,840
Again. 
I remember another relationship 

280
00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:00,000
where there was something that 
he did which I thought was like 

281
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,320
the worst thing in the world. 
And so then I felt like I could 

282
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,360
act however the fuck I wanted 
because no matter what I did, 

283
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:09,400
what he did was worse, right? 
So maybe let's take like 

284
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,280
cheating as an example. 
No one wants to be cheated on. 

285
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,760
So but let's say you've chosen 
to stay in the relationship. 

286
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,840
Obviously there's going to be 
hurt through that. 

287
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,840
Understandable. 
But you don't get to throw that 

288
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:23,560
in their face every time. 
If you have chosen to stay in 

289
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:26,200
the relationship, you choose to 
stay in the relationship. 

290
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,600
You don't get to have the trump 
card where you get to act like a

291
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,240
brat or an asshole because they 
cheated 6 years ago and every 

292
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:33,640
time you go, well, you fucked 
someone else. 

293
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,480
You don't get to do that right 
now. 

294
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:39,840
Resentment often protects you 
from the risk of hope, right? 

295
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,680
Because if you hope again, you 
could be disappointed again. 

296
00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:45,080
So it's much safer for you to 
stay angry. 

297
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:48,800
But staying angry is not power. 
It's a fucking prison. 

298
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:53,440
And I'll say this lovingly and 
directly, as per usual. 

299
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:58,760
If you genuinely cannot forgive 
and you keep weaponizing the 

300
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:05,040
past, you need support. 
OK, that's like whether it's me,

301
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,480
whether it's the connected 
woman, whether it's the 

302
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:08,360
experience, whether it's 
one-on-one, whether it's a 

303
00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,520
therapist, whatever, right? 
The relationship will not 

304
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:15,680
survive unresolved resentment. 
Long term forgiveness is a 

305
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,880
healthy need because it makes 
intimacy possible again. 

306
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,760
If you're listening to this 
thinking, why does it sound like

307
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:26,560
she's literally in my head, then
it is time that you joined the 

308
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,920
connected woman. 
This is the work that completely

309
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:30,960
rewires how you show up in your 
love life. 

310
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,600
If you're in a relationship, 
this is how you stop repeating 

311
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,480
the same patterns over and over 
again. 

312
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,960
You stop lashing out, you stop 
shutting down, and you turn 

313
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,640
things around to the point where
your partner actually falls in 

314
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,640
love with you all over again. 
And if you're single, this is 

315
00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:48,240
how you stop choosing the same 
person in a different body and 

316
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:53,720
actually attract someone who is 
emotionally available, ready, is

317
00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:56,880
obsessed with you, and can meet 
you from the very beginning. 

318
00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:01,000
This is the end of I know 
better, but I don't do better. 

319
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:05,560
This is the point where these 
patterns are stopped for good. 

320
00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:08,800
If you know you're ready for 
this work, you know what to do. 

321
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,359
The link will be in the 
description. 

322
00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:13,680
Join the connected woman today. 
Let's get back to the episode 

323
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,200
now. 
Another healthy need is 

324
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:19,440
affection and desire. 
Yes, it is healthy to want to 

325
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,079
feel wanted. 
It's healthy to want touch. 

326
00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:25,599
It's healthy to want intimacy. 
And the reason that so many 

327
00:17:25,599 --> 00:17:29,000
couples struggle here is because
they treat sex like it exists in

328
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:33,200
a vacuum, when desire is deeply 
impacted by emotional safety and

329
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,520
respect. 
So if your partner dismisses you

330
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:40,280
or mocks you and validates you 
or treats you like your feelings

331
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,560
are fucking annoying, your body 
is not exactly going to be like,

332
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:47,000
Oh my God, yes, take me now like
I surrender. 

333
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:50,040
No, right. 
And on the other side, if you 

334
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:52,320
constantly criticize your 
partner or treat them like 

335
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:56,160
they're failing at life or you 
treat them like a, like a child,

336
00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:59,320
they're not going to feel warm 
and open towards you either, 

337
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,560
right? 
Desire needs safety, it needs 

338
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:05,240
appreciation, it needs play, it 
needs repair. 

339
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:07,400
And This is why the emotional 
work matters. 

340
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,840
It's not separate from intimacy,
it's the foundation of it. 

341
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,040
Another healthy need is 
accepting each other's 

342
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,800
influence, which basically means
that you can be on the same 

343
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,240
team, right? 
You can receive feedback without

344
00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:23,000
collapsing, sulking, getting 
defensive, or turning it into a 

345
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,720
tit for tat war. 
Right? 

346
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,080
So if your partner says hey when
you said that in front of my 

347
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:30,680
friends I felt embarrassed and 
your immediate response is Oh my

348
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:34,240
God you're so fucking sensitive.
You just taught them that 

349
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:37,680
honesty isn't safe, right? 
If your partner says I need more

350
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,240
help around the house and you 
respond with a fucking tantrum 

351
00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,640
like they've accused you of 
being a terrible person, you've 

352
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,400
just taught them that expressing
needs creates punishment. 

353
00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:49,120
Accepting influence is a healthy
need because it's how couples 

354
00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:50,600
evolve. 
It's how you grow. 

355
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,400
It's how you Co create a 
relationship that works for both

356
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:56,760
of you instead of one person 
constantly bending and the other

357
00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:00,040
person acting like a compromise 
is fucking oppression. 

358
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,880
Right now. 
I want to bring in this quote 

359
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,840
that I heard from Terry Real 
because it's the most mature 

360
00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:09,800
relationship question that you 
could ask. 

361
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:14,600
And it's this are enough of my 
needs being met that I can 

362
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:19,560
grieve the ones that aren't? 
I'll say that again, are enough 

363
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:23,640
of my needs being met that I can
grieve the ones that aren't? 

364
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,040
And I love this quote because it
stops you from living in 

365
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,960
delusion or fantasy. 
It's not should I leave or 

366
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,360
should I stay right? 
It's asking the real question. 

367
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:36,440
Is this relationship meeting 
enough of what matters that I 

368
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,560
can accept and grieve what it 
can't meet? 

369
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:42,280
Because no relationship meets 
every single need perfectly. 

370
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:46,160
That's insanity, right? 
Your partner is not your like 

371
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,200
personal need fulfilling 
machine. 

372
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:51,240
You should be able to get your 
needs met through friends, 

373
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,760
family, your purpose, hobbies, 
your relationship with yourself,

374
00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:58,520
spirituality, your body. 
You know, whatever it is. 

375
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,400
But there are needs that only 
your partner can meet if you're 

376
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,400
going to feel connected in this 
partnership and you get to 

377
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,280
decide which needs are 
essential. 

378
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:12,360
If enough needs are met, you 
grieve what isn't, and you build

379
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:16,320
a beautiful life with what is. 
If not enough needs are met, 

380
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:20,000
you're going to feel lonely, 
frustrated, and disconnected no 

381
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,000
matter how hard you try, unless 
something changes. 

382
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:27,760
OK, now let's talk about 
unhealthy needs, because this is

383
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,040
where people get really fucking 
messy and start calling each 

384
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:32,520
other toxic when really it's 
actually just nervous systems 

385
00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:34,760
trying to survive, right? 
So let's give each other a 

386
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:38,080
little bit of grace. 
Unhealthy needs are usually 

387
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:42,640
attempts to meet a legitimate 
need through control, fear, 

388
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:46,280
domination, avoidance, or 
emotional outsourcing. 

389
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,200
Right? 
The first unhealthy need is 

390
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,920
control. 
And I want to be super clear 

391
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:57,120
here, control is not a need. 
When you say I just need to be 

392
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:59,640
in control, no you don't. 
That's a coping strategy. 

393
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,240
When you're controlling, what 
you're actually trying to do is 

394
00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:07,720
regulate your dysregulation, 
your anxiety by managing someone

395
00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:10,200
else. 
You're trying to eliminate 

396
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:13,360
uncertainty by dictating someone
else's behavior. 

397
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,760
So that could look like checking
their phone, interrogating them,

398
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,760
monitoring their social media, 
telling them who they can and 

399
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,880
cannot talk to or be friends 
with, freaking out if they want 

400
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:26,720
a boys night or like subtly 
pushing them when when they do 

401
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,000
something that you don't like, 
right? 

402
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,280
Or like punishing them. 
And I get it right? 

403
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:32,320
It feels real. 
It feels like I'm protecting the

404
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:35,200
relationship, but actually 
you're trying to control your 

405
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:37,640
fear. 
And nobody feels loved when they

406
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,920
feel fucking managed and 
parented. 

407
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:46,440
Control creates rebellion, 
secrecy, resentment, shut down 

408
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:48,720
all of these things. 
And whilst we're here, 

409
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,320
boundaries are not control. 
I hear all the I'm I'm setting a

410
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:54,640
boundary. 
You get a boundary, you get a 

411
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:58,360
boundary, you get a no. 
A boundary is here's what I will

412
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:03,760
do, not here's what you must do.
So if you say I will not stay in

413
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:07,000
a conversation where I'm being 
yelled at, if it escalates, I'll

414
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,240
take 30 minutes and come back 
when we're calm. 

415
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:12,720
That's a boundary, right? 
If your partner follows you 

416
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:16,400
around the house continuing to 
yell, that is not passion, 

417
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,400
that's dysregulation and that's 
damaging. 

418
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,040
And I would not be in that 
relationship, right? 

419
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:24,520
Another unhealthy need is the 
need for constant reassurance 

420
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:29,480
and I want to make a distinction
because reassurance reassure, Oh

421
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:32,320
my God. 
Reassurance as connection is 

422
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:36,240
healthy, right? 
Reassurance as testing is not. 

423
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:42,240
If you're constantly fishing 
testing, demanding. 

424
00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,320
Do you love me? 
Are you sure? 

425
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,760
Would you leave me? 
Promise you won't ever leave me.

426
00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:48,720
Why didn't you say it back fast 
enough? 

427
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:52,040
Oh my God, that is such ick like
gross. 

428
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:55,320
That's not love, that's your 
fear running the show. 

429
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,080
That's anxiety. 
And when reassurance becomes a 

430
00:22:58,080 --> 00:23:02,040
demand, your partner starts to 
feel like they are under review 

431
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,600
all the time. 
Like if they don't perform love 

432
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:08,920
in exactly the right way, you're
going to fucking spiral or start

433
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:11,120
a fight or start accusing or 
pointing the finger. 

434
00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:13,320
And here's the fucked part, 
right? 

435
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:17,160
This behavior often creates the 
very distance that you fear 

436
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:20,520
because being constantly tested 
makes people pull away. 

437
00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:23,960
So if this is you, your shadow 
work is learning how to self 

438
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:27,520
soothe and build internal 
security rather than outsourcing

439
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,080
your entire emotional safety to 
your partner's behavior. 

440
00:23:30,640 --> 00:23:33,760
Another unhealthy need is 
avoidance disguised as 

441
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:36,880
independence. 
Yeah, there's a healthy version 

442
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,680
of independence, and then 
there's a defensive version. 

443
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:43,680
The defensive version is like, I
don't need anyone, I'm fine, I 

444
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,320
hate labels. 
I don't do feelings. 

445
00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:47,640
Let's just keep it chill. 
Why do we have to talk about 

446
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:50,720
this, right? 
That's not independence, that is

447
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:52,920
walls. 
That is armor. 

448
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:57,000
That's fear of intimacy. 
It's the part of you that thinks

449
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:00,840
that closeness equals danger, so
you keep distance and then you 

450
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:04,960
call it freedom. 
But if you want a real 

451
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:08,160
relationship, you cannot have 
intimacy whilst being 

452
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:11,440
emotionally withholding, right? 
Avoidance makes your partner 

453
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:13,720
feel alone. 
It makes them feel like they're 

454
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:17,520
trying to love a fucking brick 
wall and eventually they stop 

455
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:21,440
trying or they get louder or 
they become anxious or, you 

456
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:23,320
know, then you call them needy 
and round around, around, 

457
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:25,440
around, around you go. 
It's not the vibe. 

458
00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:28,600
Another unhealthy need is 
needing the relationship to 

459
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,360
work, even though you are the 
only one doing the work. 

460
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:36,800
Yeah, this one makes me feel 
fucking feral because I see 

461
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:41,320
women on the daily destroying 
themselves, trying to carry a 

462
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:44,160
relationship on their back like 
it's a dead fucking horse. 

463
00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,080
Right. 
If you are the only one 

464
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:50,800
apologizing, the only one 
initiating repair, the only one 

465
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,600
reading the books, the only one 
listening to the podcast, the 

466
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,240
only one going to therapy, the 
only one trying to communicate 

467
00:24:56,240 --> 00:25:00,520
better, and they're just there 
for the vibes, Like you're not 

468
00:25:00,520 --> 00:25:03,320
in a partnership. 
You are not in a partnership, 

469
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:05,760
right? 
You cannot love someone into 

470
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:09,680
emotional maturity. 
You cannot heal someone by being

471
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:13,200
more understanding, and you 
cannot do the work for them. 

472
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:17,440
I need you to hear this so, so 
loudly. 

473
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:21,800
You cannot do the work for them.
And if they're blaming you for 

474
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,360
the disconnection and you're 
believing them because yourself 

475
00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:29,200
esteem is shaky or in the 
toilet, you will keep abandoning

476
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,440
yourself, right? 
The shadow here is the rescuer 

477
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:33,960
part. 
The part that thinks, well, if I

478
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:35,880
just love them hard enough, 
they'll change. 

479
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:38,440
Trust me, I know this like the 
back of my fucking hand. 

480
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:41,640
I have been this person for as 
long as I can remember. 

481
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,800
And it's only been like in the 
last couple of years that I've 

482
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:48,320
started to shift this right. 
So that part usually developed 

483
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:51,160
in childhood when you tried to 
earn love by being good or 

484
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:53,760
helpful or quiet. 
And I say this with love. 

485
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:56,080
Adult relationships don't work 
that way. 

486
00:25:56,360 --> 00:26:01,880
You need not want. 
You need mutual effort or you 

487
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:05,640
will slowly disappear. 
Another unhealthy need is 

488
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,480
withholding the truth because 
you don't trust their reaction. 

489
00:26:09,640 --> 00:26:12,240
If you feel like you have to 
hide things because they'll blow

490
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:15,480
up or they'll accuse you or 
they'll punish you, that's a 

491
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,440
bigger problem than the thing 
you're hiding. 

492
00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:21,880
A relationship cannot be 
intimate when honesty isn't 

493
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:24,320
safe. 
And yes, I get it, right? 

494
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,600
Some people are reactive, 
jealous, suspicious, 

495
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,240
traumatized, all the things. 
I get it. 

496
00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,600
But you don't fix that by 
tiptoeing and lying. 

497
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,400
You fix it by addressing the 
core issue. 

498
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:38,640
Why is it not safe to be 
transparent here, right? 

499
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:41,200
And that could be a conversation
for counseling. 

500
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:42,640
That could be a boundary 
conversation. 

501
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:44,360
It could be a compatibility 
conversation. 

502
00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:48,440
Because secrecy and fear are not
the foundation of love. 

503
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:51,600
I know breaking news. 
They're the foundation of stress

504
00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:55,000
and you want a relationship to 
add to your life, not add 

505
00:26:55,840 --> 00:27:00,080
stress, right? 
Another unhealthy need is 

506
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:04,480
expecting mind reading and I 
hear it all the time, right? 

507
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:08,040
But he should know. 
No he shouldn't. 

508
00:27:08,040 --> 00:27:10,840
He's not a fucking psychic. 
Unless he is, in which case, 

509
00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,720
cool, right? 
But if you need something, say 

510
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,320
it. 
If you want something, ask for 

511
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,000
it. 
If something hurt, you name it. 

512
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:22,800
The healthy version is direct 
communication. 

513
00:27:23,120 --> 00:27:26,520
The unhealthy version is 
expecting them to intuit your 

514
00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:28,760
needs and then punishing them 
when they don't. 

515
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:33,760
Now, if you have communicated 
clearly and they consistently 

516
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:37,480
ignore you, dismiss you, or do 
nothing, then this is not about 

517
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:39,120
mind reading anymore. 
This is a different 

518
00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:41,240
conversation, right? 
This is about whether or not 

519
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:44,280
your needs matter to them. 
But the baseline is this. 

520
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:48,040
Don't build a relationship on 
unspoken expectations and then 

521
00:27:48,040 --> 00:27:50,200
act fucking shocked when you're 
disappointed. 

522
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:54,040
Now I want to bring this all 
together. 

523
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:56,440
Because the point of this 
episode isn't to make you 

524
00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,960
overanalyze your relationship 
and then panic and freak out, 

525
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:00,720
right? 
The point is to give you 

526
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:04,240
language and articulation and 
clarity so that you can stop 

527
00:28:04,240 --> 00:28:08,120
fighting about the symptoms and 
start addressing the real issues

528
00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:09,600
that are actually at the core 
right. 

529
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,320
Most couples don't need more 
communication tips. 

530
00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:15,600
It's just like you don't need 
more fucking insight, right? 

531
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,840
They need more honesty about 
what's underneath the fights. 

532
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:22,160
So here's what I want you to do.
Either sit with your journal or 

533
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,320
have a conversation with your 
partner this week and ask the 

534
00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,520
simplest, most revealing 
questions. 

535
00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:31,480
Do you feel respected by me? 
Do you feel safe with me? 

536
00:28:33,280 --> 00:28:35,720
Do you feel valued and 
appreciated by me? 

537
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:40,320
Do you feel like we repair well 
after conflict? 

538
00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:43,920
Do you feel like enough of your 
needs are being met that you can

539
00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:48,520
grieve the ones that aren't? 
And then shut your fucking mouth

540
00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:54,560
and listen. 
Don't defend, don't go will you.

541
00:28:55,480 --> 00:29:00,480
Don't justify, don't explain. 
Just actually humble yourself 

542
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:03,720
and listen. 
Because if you can create safety

543
00:29:03,720 --> 00:29:07,440
in that conversation, you will 
learn more in 10 minutes than 

544
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,200
you have learned in 10 months of
fighting. 

545
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:14,560
Now, if you're listening to this
and going, OK, Michelle, I can 

546
00:29:14,560 --> 00:29:16,160
see it. 
I can see where I've been trying

547
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:19,120
to control my and, and like 
manage my anxiety. 

548
00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:21,640
I can see where I've been 
avoiding conflict because I'm 

549
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:23,880
scared that they'll leave. 
I can see where I've been over 

550
00:29:23,880 --> 00:29:25,520
giving and then fucking 
resenting them. 

551
00:29:26,120 --> 00:29:28,320
I can see where I've been 
expecting mind reading and then 

552
00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:30,680
punishing them. 
I can see where I've been 

553
00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:32,800
suppressing my needs and then 
acting out. 

554
00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:36,560
Then that's good, right? 
That's the work, that's the 

555
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:38,360
shadow, That's self 
responsibility. 

556
00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:40,480
And it's not about blaming 
yourself. 

557
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:42,920
It's about reclaiming your 
pattern. 

558
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:46,520
Because when you see your 
patterns, then you can change 

559
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:48,840
them. 
So before we wrap up, I want to 

560
00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:51,600
say this, right? 
A lot of women have never been 

561
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:54,560
taught how to communicate their 
needs without shame. 

562
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:58,040
They've never been taught how to
set boundaries without guilt, 

563
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:01,640
and they've never been taught 
how to do conflict without 

564
00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:03,080
either exploding or shutting 
down. 

565
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:05,080
They've never been taught how to
tell the difference between a 

566
00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:07,600
healthy need or an anxious 
demand, right? 

567
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:10,800
They've never been taught how to
stop over functioning and start 

568
00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:14,040
relating from secure self worth.
If you're like, OK, well then 

569
00:30:14,040 --> 00:30:15,040
how do I do this? 
Right? 

570
00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:17,280
I want to actually learn this. 
I need to embody this. 

571
00:30:17,280 --> 00:30:18,800
I'm done repeating the same 
patterns. 

572
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:22,160
Then the connected woman is 
literally built for you. 

573
00:30:22,600 --> 00:30:23,880
Yeah. 
This is the work that we do 

574
00:30:23,880 --> 00:30:26,160
inside the connected woman. 
We don't just talk about 

575
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:28,920
relationships. 
We change how you show up in 

576
00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:31,080
them. 
We get you out of the anxious, 

577
00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:34,840
over giving, self abandoning, 
controlling or avoiding coping 

578
00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:39,720
mechanisms and into secure, 
grounded, self LED love. 

579
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:42,160
So whether you're in a 
relationship or you want to 

580
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:45,240
rebuild and you want to rebuild 
safety and intimacy, or you're 

581
00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:48,400
single and you want to stop 
choosing from your wounds, the 

582
00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:50,000
connected woman is your next 
step. 

583
00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:52,440
So you can find all the details 
in the show notes or you can 

584
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:55,880
come DM me TCW on Instagram and 
I will send you everything. 

585
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:58,120
All right, guys, thanks for 
hanging out with me today. 

586
00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:00,080
I love you. 
I'll see you next week. 

587
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:04,480
All right, my love, let what 
landed today actually land. 

588
00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:07,640
Because this podcast is not just
here to inspire you. 

589
00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:12,480
It is here to change you, your 
standards, your patterns, your 

590
00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:14,640
life. 
And if you are done living on 

591
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:16,040
autopilot, you're done 
shrinking. 

592
00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:19,000
You're done repeating the same 
fucking shit over and over. 

593
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:23,680
Let this be your reminder. 
You are built for more. 

594
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:28,040
Unfucking your life is a choice 
you make every single day. 

595
00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:30,720
And if you want to go deeper, 
come hang out with me on 

596
00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:33,720
Instagram at Michelle Panning 
because that is where I share 

597
00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:37,040
all of the raw stuff, the real 
time shifts that I'm having in 

598
00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:40,760
my life and everything that I am
doing to raise my own standards 

599
00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:43,320
to in life and in love. 
I love you. 

600
00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:46,680
I believe in your next level. 
Go and fuck your life, babe.