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What's up guys, My name is 
Alexis, your host of Praises in 

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the Pod, and I'm so excited to 
be here with Amber Malquist. 

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We are going to be talking about
her testimony and what God has 

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done in her life. 
You already know that, but I 

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cannot wait for y'all to hear 
this. 

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It is going to be so good. 
We're going to start off in 

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prayer and then we're going to 
jump right in. 

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So here we go. 
Lord Heavenly Father, just thank

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you for today and all of your 
many blessings. 

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Dear God, thank you for all the 
things that we have went through

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to get to know you the way that 
we know you. 

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Lord God, there are some things 
that are painful. 

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There are some things that we 
have carried shame and guilt 

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from, Lord God, but you set us 
free from that and we just thank

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you and we praise you for that. 
We just pray that you continue 

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to use us as vessels and that 
our story just pushes people 

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closer to you. 
We pray that Amber Story pushes 

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people closer to you and tells 
them that no matter what has 

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happened in life, Lord God, that
you are forgiving God, you are a

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loving God, and that they have a
chance. 

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Even when we feel like we don't 
have a chance for God, you 

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reassure us that we do. 
No matter how far we think that 

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we're gone, there's nobody 
that's too far gone. 

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Lord God, we pray that you speak
to us and through US today and 

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let this episode glorify you. 
In Jesus name I pray, Amen. 

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Amen. 
So let's get it started. 

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I'm really excited. 
So a little fun fact, just a 

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little background knowledge. 
Amber attends Southside first 

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CR, right? 
Can I say that? 

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Can I say that here? 
OK, It's, you know, CRS got 

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that. 
Yeah. 

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The stuff. 
So. 

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So I met Amber through there. 
But also your sons play at 

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Southside too. 
And so it's just been a very 

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weird thing for me because I'll 
start talking to someone and 

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like Clay and he's like, yeah, 
Amber's my mom. 

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And then I've talked to Ron. 
He's like for Amber's my mom. 

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And then I met Amber, your other
son's wife, or is it Ryan's 

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wife? 
And she's like, my name's Amber 

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Malquist too. 
And I'm like, wait a minute, 

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wait a minute. 
So it was just so fun to see all

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the dots start connecting. 
And I'm like, wait. 

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So anyway, I'm super excited to 
get to know you more because, 

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you know, we see each other at 
church. 

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Hey, like, that's it and 
whatever. 

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So let's start off at your 
childhood and tell us a little 

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bit about how you grew up. 
Don't have to go into anything 

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crazy, just how you grew up. 
OK, so I grew up in a a good 

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family. 
My parents were, you know, just 

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straight shooters basically. 
And they had some, you know, 

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just normal family issues to 
deal with that I saw a little 

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bit of. 
But for the most part, I grew up

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in a happy home and my 
grandparents would take me to 

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church. 
My parents grew up in church, 

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but they didn't go as much when 
they were young parents. 

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But when I was about 8 years 
old, I accepted Christ and I I 

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believed and I prayed to God 
sometimes and I but I didn't. 

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I didn't. 
Really grab hold of me did have 

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a real relationship more so. 
I mean, kind of, but like, it 

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was more about like when I 
needed something or when I was 

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afraid. 
Yeah. 

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It wasn't like I was just, I 
mean, how much can you do when 

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you're 8 years old anyway? 
But you know, in middle school I

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attended Youth Services and I'm 
not sure if we actually were 

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going to church regularly. 
Maybe we were. 

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It wasn't a huge thing for me, 
but youth was more of a social 

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thing. 
But I did get a lot out of it. 

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You know, when we go to the 
retreats and everything, we had 

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those moments of crying on the 
daily altar. 

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But I don't know, I, I knew that
God was real. 

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I knew that he would help me if 
I needed help, but I wasn't 

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living for him at that point so.
Yeah, so I've noticed like a lot

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of our kids, they have those, 
you know, moments in church and 

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stuff, but those instill seeds 
that we don't necessarily know 

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what's going to come from. 
So yeah, maybe those are like 

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emotional times at camp. 
Y'all are hungry, tired, all 

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this stuff. 
The emotions are high. 

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But I have seen kids come back 
like on fire for the Lord or 

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some kids down the road and 
they're like, no, that can't 

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like change my life or whatever.
So you never know what those 

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kids are going through like in 
those moments, you know? 

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So I just love that you spoke on
that too, because sometimes we 

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are always like, it's that night
of camp. 

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Those kids are just crying, you 
know, So I love that. 

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But anyway, go ahead and tell us
a little bit about high school. 

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What's high school look like? 
And so in high school I was all 

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about the social. 
Even though I I'm more of an 

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introvert, I still just wanted 
to be with my friends and have 

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fun. 
I did not care about school at 

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all. 
Like my parents didn't push us 

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to succeed in school. 
They expected us to do what we 

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needed to do and get good 
grades. 

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And I just kind of did get good 
grades without having to try too

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hard. 
So I just was not high on my 

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level of priority. 
So I would spend a lot of time 

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just having fun. 
And for the first couple of 

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years, I still sort of lived 
good girl sort of life. 

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Maybe I think I may have done a 
little church. 

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My mom got big into church and 
was going all the time and 

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living out her faith at home. 
That started kind of maybe when 

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I was like in the eighth grade, 
she really, her relationship 

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with the Lord really took off. 
And even though like I might not

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have been excited about it, it 
did impact me, you know, it was 

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in my ear. 
And so, but saying that, still 

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me and my mom kind of butted 
heads a lot, you know, of 

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course. 
And she was she was very 

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authoritarian type parent, you 
know, so kind of strict. 

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I felt like, and I was kind of 
like AI just wanted to do what I

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wanted to do. 
So about 10th grade, maybe 11th 

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grade, I kind of started once I 
could drive. 

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So that was about 11th grade, I 
kind of started making bad 

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choices. 
I did a lot of drinking. 

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I did a lot of like, well, you 
know, I started having more 

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interactions with the boys and I
did throughout high school. 

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I had two serious boyfriends. 
So I didn't do a lot of like 

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lots of boy dating, but I 
boyfriends were a huge part of 

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my life and I was not, I was not
pure. 

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So that was just a path that I 
went down of, you know, kind of 

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drinking and having sex. 
And that was just the choices 

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that I was making. 
And I thought it was fun. 

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And I didn't see any reason to 
change that. 

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And then I had one boyfriend in 
particular. 

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That was a bit of a challenge 
for me. 

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Left me with a lot of emotional 
baggage, just the way I don't 

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want to like lay blame on him, 
but he did he, you know, he, he 

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probably changed the course of 
my life. 

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This boyfriend, he was well. 
We talked about negative core 

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beliefs a lot and those come 
from somewhere, you know, And so

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when we constantly hear people 
talking down to us or calling us

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things and being in that type of
way towards us, we then 

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something shifts in our brain 
where we don't feel worthy or we

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think that we deserve this type 
of love. 

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And we think that that's love. 
And it's like for kids, you 

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know, like it wasn't. 
And it was a lot of trust 

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issues. 
He was not faithful to me hardly

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ever. 
And then it was a lot of 

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manipulation to to gaslight me 
and so I never really knew the 

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truth. 
You know what, I'm so glad you 

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said gaslight because earlier 
when we're kind of talking, you 

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mentioned like back then, you 
know, or now it kind of is shown

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as narcissistic tendencies and 
stuff like that. 

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And it's like man, back then 
y'all really didn't have the 

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words to like put people in 
these categories. 

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But sometimes I feel like we do 
put so many categories and 

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labels and all this stuff. 
But in that sense like it's so 

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good to recognize stuff like 
that. 

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So it's like, and the 
gaslighting and stuff like that,

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like it's so. 
True. 

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You know, I feel trapped. 
Like I felt I knew that 

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something was up, but I 
couldn't. 

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It just, I couldn't ever get out
of it. 

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This was stuck and a lot of it 
was made to be my fault. 

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One more thing, one more thing. 
It made me just think that like 

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God is enough chaos. 
And so when we are in those 

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types of relationships, we 
should, if you're walking with 

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the Lord, you know, cry out and 
talk to him. 

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But if it continues to be that 
type of chaos and stuff, we 

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should see that we are stepping 
outside of God's will for our 

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life. 
Like he has so much more for us 

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because chaos and pain and just 
all of this stuff that you had 

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going on at a young age, it 
shows like that wasn't what God 

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had for you. 
Like, you know, so even though 

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he's going to use it, he's using
it right now. 

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You're telling people about it 
and probably women are listening

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and they're like me, I'm in that
right now, or I went through the

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same thing. 
So it's just important. 

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Yeah, well, and I wasn't making 
good choices or no, I was having

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sex outside of marriage. 
I was drinking all the time. 

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Like and even, you know, had a 
little. 

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I mean, I wasn't like a big drug
user, but I there were times 

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that I did partake of that and 
he was a big drug user. 

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But anyway, so with that, he was
just a bad influence on me. 

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And I was a follower in those 
days and I didn't have a lot of 

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good sense. 
My mom was right, you know, but,

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and so we graduated and we, a 
big group of us were going off 

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to college together. 
We went down to Georgia 

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Southern, which was at the time 
like the top three party school 

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in the I. 
Think it probably still. 

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Is and I tried to back out on 
the last minute, but my mom was 

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like thinking I just had nerves 
and I was like, you should just 

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go anyway. 
So right before I went off to 

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school, I found out that I was 
pregnant with this boyfriend's 

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baby and I didn't know what to 
do. 

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I immediately went to him. 
I did not tell my my parents. 

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I told my best friend his 
option, only option that was an 

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option he wanted to anything to 
do with was abortion. 

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And I didn't really have a 
strong sense of right and wrong 

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about that. 
At that time in my life. 

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I really didn't even know what 
it entailed. 

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And so kind of just went through
a few weeks of not really 

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dealing with that or maybe a 
month or more of not really 

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dealing with that. 
And I went off to school, 

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partied, partied, partied while 
I was still pregnant. 

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So this was making it more 
justifiable to me that I've 

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probably ruined this child 
anyway, so might as well just 

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not worry about it because 
anyway, it's just my mind 

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justifying all the reasons that 
it should be right. 

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And then I had a friend really 
push me. 

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No one really talked to me and 
tried to change my mind except 

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my one best friend was the only 
person that ever said to me, you

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know, you could do this. 
And I listened to her but I 

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didn't, we didn't really talk 
about it. 

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So I just pushed that out of my 
mind. 

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Like, I didn't think that it was
even even a possibility for me. 

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So it felt very coerced and very
like I was just kind of going 

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along with what was expected of 
me. 

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And so after that happened, I 
did feel a little relief because

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I didn't have the pressure of it
on me anymore and still didn't 

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tell my parents. 
There was a lot of like, fear of

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people finding out, like 
grown-ups. 

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I didn't mind my friends knowing
so much. 

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It was more like I didn't want 
the shame to come on my family 

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of me having, you know, because 
you can drink and party and, you

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know, your grown-ups never find 
out about it. 

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But you know, you can't hide a 
baby. 

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And so afterwards, though, maybe
about a month afterwards, I 

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started showing signs of severe 
depression. 

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Like I really regretted that 
choice and wanted to change it. 

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But obviously you can't, can't 
change that after it's happened.

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And I would cry out to God, like
I'm drawing back on that 

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relationship with him, knowing 
that he's the one that can help 

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me and knowing that I've done 
this against him and knowing 

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that he's the only help 
available to me. 

224
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:12,720
Like I knew that instinctively 
that I was only going to get 

225
00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:15,840
relief from him if he would 
still have me. 

226
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:22,600
You know, I it, the guilt of it 
felt just crushing to me and the

227
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:28,720
pain, like the pain of missing 
what could have been with that 

228
00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:31,480
little baby. 
And I'm out sea babies 

229
00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,360
everywhere. 
And that would just be 

230
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:37,360
devastating to me. 
And then you would mark the 

231
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,440
days. 
So I would be here by now and I 

232
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,720
would be here by now and the 
baby, you know, just all these 

233
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,520
things. 
And I couldn't escape that. 

234
00:14:43,520 --> 00:14:50,000
And because I was still doing 
this, this boy and the the way 

235
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:54,120
that he was, I spent a lot of 
time alone, isolated from my 

236
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:58,920
friends. 
And so one night in my dorm 

237
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:01,720
room, I was crying out to God 
again. 

238
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:06,680
And I'm just begging him to take
this pain away. 

239
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,680
And more than that, I was 
begging him to forgive me. 

240
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,120
I just knew I needed to be 
forgiven. 

241
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:17,280
And I, I don't know if I didn't 
think that he was forgiving. 

242
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:18,560
I don't know what I was 
thinking. 

243
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,720
I just was begging him to 
forgive me. 

244
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:28,400
And I heard him say to me in a 
voice that was not my own. 

245
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,200
I know that nobody else would 
have heard it, but I know that 

246
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:35,560
it was not me. 
And it was clear and plain as 

247
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:39,200
day. 
And he said to me, Amber, I have

248
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:42,120
forgiven you, but you have to 
forgive yourself. 

249
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:48,240
And so when I heard that, it 
just kind of stopped me in my 

250
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:54,800
tracks and made me think like, 
OK, I have a choice. 

251
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:59,760
And what am I going to do with 
with this now? 

252
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:05,360
And I guess I just thought, what
else can I do? 

253
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:11,480
I, I accept that. 
I accept his forgiveness for 

254
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:15,440
myself if he can forgive me. 
And I have to be able to forgive

255
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:20,080
myself and accept that from him.
And I did. 

256
00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:28,080
And immediately, immediately, my
pain just vanished. 

257
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:30,760
Yeah, I mean it. 
It was like somebody turned on a

258
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:33,120
light. 
I can't explain it. 

259
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:37,560
It just was gone. 
And I haven't ever felt. 

260
00:16:37,880 --> 00:16:42,520
I have felt remorse. 
I have felt shame. 

261
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:48,120
I have felt it's just, you know,
what ifs. 

262
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:53,640
But the pain that released from 
me that day, I've never felt it 

263
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:57,840
again. 
Like I, I just can't explain 

264
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:01,520
that. 
And I knew in that moment that 

265
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:06,640
my relationship with him would 
never be the same because he 

266
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:11,880
proved himself to be more real 
than anything I had ever 

267
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,920
experienced. 
That's so good. 

268
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,640
Yeah. 
And I mean, I had felt him 

269
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:17,960
before in my life, but nothing 
like that. 

270
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:23,520
That was a miracle, honestly. 
I tell people a lot, you know, 

271
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:27,000
like when you're going through 
something like cry out to the 

272
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,120
Lord and let give him an 
opportunity to reveal himself, 

273
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:32,680
like 'cause I mean, that's how 
my life change happened to 

274
00:17:32,680 --> 00:17:35,400
similar to yours. 
Like I'm in a desperate place. 

275
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,680
I'm crying out for him to talk. 
Speak to me. 

276
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,040
Like reveal yourself to me. 
And he does. 

277
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:45,440
And you have this overwhelming 
peace that no one can understand

278
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:48,120
except for you. 
Like you can tell people, but 

279
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:52,440
until they understand that 
they'll never understand, you 

280
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:53,400
know? 
It's like when you know, you 

281
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:57,040
know, but like cry out to the 
Lord, let give him an 

282
00:17:57,040 --> 00:18:00,080
opportunity. 
Like even when we feel like he's

283
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,680
not listening or you know, he 
wouldn't answer me. 

284
00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:05,280
Whatever try, give it a try. 
Yeah. 

285
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:08,600
Well, and you know, the other 
thing is that I can sit here and

286
00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,160
say I was, it was bad because I 
was so isolated, but that 

287
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:15,960
isolation actually gave me the 
opportunity to hear his voice 

288
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:21,160
because I could have kept on 
drowning my pain by going out 

289
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,280
with friends and drinking and 
doing whatever else. 

290
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:29,760
I but I'm actually thankful that
I was stuck alone in my dorm 

291
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,520
room that night because I had 
been crying out to him, you 

292
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:37,680
know, and I, I guess that was 
just the moment he chose to let 

293
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:43,200
me hear him in the silence. 
And I think sometimes we we push

294
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:46,400
aside that silence because it 
feels painful and it feels wrong

295
00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:50,040
for us to just sit in those 
moments. 

296
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:55,680
But those are the moments where 
our ears can actually hear what 

297
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:59,040
he has to say and that there's 
nothing else in the way. 

298
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:02,160
And that's the same thing as far
as like, we get to our rock 

299
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:06,720
bottom and we know we have 
nowhere else to go. 

300
00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:10,360
And that's where he finds us. 
So we can't, you know, 

301
00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:19,560
completely hate on those those 
moments of pure just agony, you 

302
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:26,600
know, So I've was forgiven. 
I was free of that pain and the 

303
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:31,120
guilt, but I still, and I 
changed in my relationship with 

304
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:34,920
the Lord as far as knowing that 
he's real and he loves me and he

305
00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:38,360
forgives me. 
But I still continued to make 

306
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:44,920
bad choices, you know, and so I 
ended up breaking up with that 

307
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:50,560
boyfriend and maybe three months
after that, I quit school. 

308
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:53,640
Like I had just kind of, I just 
blew it. 

309
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,720
You know, I, I did, I, like I 
said, I made bad choices. 

310
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,640
I didn't go to class for the 
last three weeks. 

311
00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:02,680
I was, I just didn't care. 
Whatever, have fun. 

312
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:11,160
So I came home, got a job, lived
with my parents and. 

313
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,480
I wasn't a terrible person, but 
I drank a lot and, you know, I 

314
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:18,200
had fun. 
I went out with my friends. 

315
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:24,520
And so we'll just, I guess Fast 
forward. 

316
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,640
You want to Fast forward until I
met my husband. 

317
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,280
OK, what's that? 
Tell us about that. 

318
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:36,520
So I was 2020 years old when I 
met my husband. 

319
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:43,840
We he's in the military and I 
actually was kind of seeing 

320
00:20:43,840 --> 00:20:47,280
somebody else at the time, but I
think I went out with my friends

321
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:52,800
one night for a concert and it 
just, you know, I hate to use 

322
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:54,560
this, but it was just sounds 
right to say it. 

323
00:20:54,560 --> 00:21:00,600
The stars aligned like and it 
just, it is like God put us 

324
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:03,000
together. 
Even though we were not living 

325
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:08,400
for him, he still found a way 
to, like, bring us together even

326
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:13,240
in our sin. 
And so both of us were living 

327
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:17,520
like, you know, heathens, I 
guess, you know. 

328
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:25,040
But so our relationship was 
founded on partying, you know, 

329
00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:34,240
and having a good time. 
And so we dated for maybe nine 

330
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:36,840
months or so. 
We talked about getting married 

331
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,680
because he was in the military 
and you know that. 

332
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:43,920
Stigma. 
Well, you know, season, it's 

333
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:45,560
like, what if, what if you have 
to leave? 

334
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,200
What are you going to do? 
You're going to take me with you

335
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:52,440
like, you know, And so we had 
talked about it and he knew I 

336
00:21:52,440 --> 00:22:01,720
told him about my my history. 
And so we talked about it, but 

337
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:09,000
we never really made any plans. 
And then so December, we met the

338
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:14,960
night before Valentine's Day. 
And then in December, he kind 

339
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,000
of, he gave me a ring, but it 
wasn't an engagement. 

340
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,560
It was like that here's a ring 
because I'm not quite ready to 

341
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:26,280
commit yet, but here's another 
ring so that you know, you know 

342
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:28,240
that I'm thinking of rings or 
something. 

343
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:32,080
So he gave me that. 
And because he gave it to me 

344
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:35,800
early, he couldn't wait to get 
it was a really pretty Pearl 

345
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:39,400
ring, but so he gave me that on 
December 15th. 

346
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:47,440
And then that night we went out 
to supper and also that night 

347
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:50,520
after supper, I said we need to 
go to the store. 

348
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:55,920
And so we went to the store and 
I picked up a pregnancy test and

349
00:22:56,520 --> 00:23:00,560
sure enough, I was pregnant 
again, unwed. 

350
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:10,760
And because of what happened 
before, I asked him what are we 

351
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,680
going to do? 
I was looking to him to tell me 

352
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:17,520
what to do. 
And he said, what do you mean? 

353
00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,200
What are we going to do? 
We're going to have a baby. 

354
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:24,560
And just like, like, it was just
such a relief, like, and I knew 

355
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:29,560
like right then that, you know, 
he's, he's the one for me. 

356
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:33,360
Like not, I already knew that, 
but like just hearing him say 

357
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:37,640
that was. 
So it was just such a relief for

358
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:39,720
me that I knew that everything 
was going to be OK. 

359
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:45,360
And so about a month, exactly a 
month later, we got married in 

360
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:49,480
my mom's living room. 
She was a, a judge and so she 

361
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:53,920
was able to marry us. 
We had just like 5 people there 

362
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:58,400
and he was leaving like, I don't
know, two or three days later to

363
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:02,360
go TDY. 
And so we didn't have like a 

364
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:03,960
wedding, we didn't have a 
honeymoon. 

365
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:08,160
We just got married and went 
back to the apartment, you know,

366
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:12,920
and it was fine. 
And but newly married, having to

367
00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:17,920
deal with being pregnant and him
going TDY and all the things, it

368
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:24,000
was not an easy because my mind 
shift shifted immediately to mom

369
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,920
mode. 
You know, my previous life is 

370
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:29,080
done. 
Yeah, I'm, I'm taking care of 

371
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:32,240
this baby now and I'm a wife 
and. 

372
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:36,120
I do. 
You're only 22 or I was 2122, 

373
00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:37,600
Yeah. 
Yeah, when he was born, I was 

374
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:41,440
22, but I just turned 22. 
So I was 21 when I got married 

375
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:47,160
and when we were pregnant. 
And yeah, and so and it just was

376
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:53,840
so fast, you know, and I had the
mindset shift of we're a family 

377
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:58,800
now and he was still going TDY 
and living like, you know, not, 

378
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:01,360
I mean, I don't know, I don't 
think he did anything. 

379
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:05,320
But like, you know, he's living 
his best life in Germany over 

380
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:07,840
there, partying it up. 
And I'm back home, like, you 

381
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,240
know, so we had some struggles 
in our marriage. 

382
00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:14,240
So you're 22, you're young, 
you're at home. 

383
00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,320
I'm sure that is very difficult 
because you really want that 

384
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:20,560
fight family dynamic. 
You want that so much. 

385
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:23,440
And it's hard because he's 
having to be gone and go when 

386
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:26,680
places and do things. 
And So what does your spiritual 

387
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:31,760
walk look like as a new mom? 
Yeah, OK, so sometime in Ryan's 

388
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:37,960
first year or two, I was really 
learning to lean on the Lord. 

389
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:44,080
More so actually, just to jump 
back real quick, I did have an 

390
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,360
experience right before I met my
husband. 

391
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:51,800
Not just an experience, but my 
faith kind of shifted again as 

392
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:55,800
to like I bought my, I bought a 
Bible of my own, like a 

393
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,480
devotional Bible for the first 
time. 

394
00:25:57,480 --> 00:26:01,840
I went to a women's retreat. 
Like I had started building a 

395
00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:09,720
little bit more, more of a 
foundational like faith of my 

396
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:13,000
own, not just my grandparents or
my parents taking me to church 

397
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,920
like I was. 
I had started more of that even 

398
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:18,760
though I was still, and even 
while my husband and I were 

399
00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:22,560
dating, you know, I was 
convicted during that whole 

400
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:25,520
thing. 
Like we really need to like stop

401
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:30,240
doing what we're doing. 
But you know, it, flesh is 

402
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:36,680
stronger sometimes. 
But so I had kind of had those 

403
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:41,840
feelings of I need to get back 
to the Lord and now I felt like 

404
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:46,520
I could because I was in the 
right, you know, not having sex 

405
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:49,440
outside of marriage and I'm not 
drinking because I'm a mom and 

406
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:53,080
or pregnant or whatever. 
And we still drink a little bit.

407
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:59,120
It was nothing like ever before.
And so I did start leaning on 

408
00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:02,200
the Lord. 
I, I know for sure I started 

409
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:06,560
really reading my Bible sometime
between Ryan's first and second 

410
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,840
year. 
Like that's the first time that 

411
00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:14,120
I would sit down and read an 
entire book of the Bible, not 

412
00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:16,280
something like, you know, 
Ezekiel or something, but like 

413
00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:20,800
in the New Testament read like, 
you know, it finally hit me 

414
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:26,040
that, hey, the book of Ephesians
is 1 long letter, so maybe I 

415
00:27:26,040 --> 00:27:27,680
should read it from the 
beginning to the end. 

416
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:32,200
And when I started doing that, 
it just started like becoming 

417
00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:37,080
illuminated for me as far as 
like what was actually being 

418
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:40,040
said in those words. 
And it just sort of took hold of

419
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:43,760
me in a new way because I was 
understanding God kind of opened

420
00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:50,120
my eyes to the way he has spoken
to us in his word. 

421
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:53,640
And it was new and it was. 
I loved it. 

422
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:57,120
I mean, I, yeah, like when he, 
when Ryan would go down for a 

423
00:27:57,120 --> 00:28:00,360
nap, I would go outside and read
my Bible, like the whole time. 

424
00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,560
And I can't get enough of that. 
Now. 

425
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:07,680
I will say Ray grew up Catholic.
That's my husband. 

426
00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:11,000
Ray grew up Catholic, but they 
weren't like practicing 

427
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:14,440
Catholic. 
And he also did not grow up in 

428
00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:16,760
the South. 
He grew up in Chicago. 

429
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:22,800
And so our backgrounds just 
differed as far as like how we 

430
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:27,840
viewed things like that. 
He was a believer. 

431
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:30,040
Like he and he went to church 
with me. 

432
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,040
We started going to church when 
Ryan was a baby, I guess I don't

433
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:36,080
remember exactly when, but we 
started going as a couple 

434
00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:39,720
regularly. 
And I don't know if we made it 

435
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:43,360
every Sunday, but we went to my 
childhood church, which is 

436
00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:50,800
Baptist. 
And so we would do that And but 

437
00:28:51,600 --> 00:28:56,400
he didn't have my same faith, 
you know, like he believed as 

438
00:28:56,400 --> 00:29:02,680
far as he believed that God was 
real, but he wasn't like he 

439
00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:04,560
didn't have that pull like I 
had. 

440
00:29:06,320 --> 00:29:13,360
And so we fought a lot. 
We fought a lot when when we 

441
00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:17,960
were early in our our marriage 
and we parented completely 

442
00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:23,360
different. 
Like I guess Ray would be fine 

443
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:24,960
with me. 
We did say, he did say I could 

444
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:29,560
say whatever I want. 
He had a lot of anger issues and

445
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:31,880
I was never abusive to me or 
anything like that. 

446
00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:36,480
He just had a very short temper.
And it was more in parenting, 

447
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:40,600
you know, like, and which was 
extremely difficult for me 

448
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:46,160
because my babies were my babies
and I didn't want, I just, I 

449
00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:48,720
wanted them to just be, I don't 
know. 

450
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:51,120
But so that was where we 
differed in parenting. 

451
00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:54,760
He was that more authoritative. 
And I was in more like, you 

452
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:56,800
know, let's talk it out, you 
know. 

453
00:29:56,880 --> 00:30:03,680
And so anyway, all throughout 
our raising children, we 

454
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:07,760
struggled and just because we 
were so different. 

455
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:13,480
But then Clay came along. 
Ryan wasn't quite 3 yet and Clay

456
00:30:13,480 --> 00:30:17,840
was born and this whole time we 
were living here in Georgia and 

457
00:30:17,840 --> 00:30:22,880
I had family, my family was all 
here that he just got stationed 

458
00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:29,720
here. 
And so Clay was born and I think

459
00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:34,520
I went through some really 
rough, like emotional times. 

460
00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:41,720
I was, I was like reading my 
Bible, still praying, but even 

461
00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:47,320
still like that relationship 
that I had with the Lord at that

462
00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:49,840
time was still lacking 
something. 

463
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:56,280
It was maybe understanding or it
was maybe the Holy Spirit. 

464
00:30:56,280 --> 00:30:59,160
I don't really know. 
Like I'll tell you later about 

465
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:06,880
like when that part came in. 
But anyway, so Clay came along 

466
00:31:07,000 --> 00:31:09,600
still struggling, but we, we 
loved each other. 

467
00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:14,520
We loved each other and didn't 
want to leave each other, but we

468
00:31:14,520 --> 00:31:20,280
just had a lot of issues. 
And then he got orders to we 

469
00:31:20,280 --> 00:31:23,880
moved down to Florida. 
And right after we moved down to

470
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:26,320
Florida, I got pregnant with my 
third son, Matthew. 

471
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:31,760
And also right after I found out
I was pregnant, my brother 

472
00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:36,200
passed away tragically, like in 
an accident. 

473
00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:42,320
And that was hard. 
And I'm the only other child, so

474
00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:44,200
it was hard to watch my parents 
go through that. 

475
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:50,040
And then it's just one of those 
moments in your life that, you 

476
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:54,240
know, it's, it's like a marker. 
And I don't really know that 

477
00:31:54,240 --> 00:32:03,040
there was anything super that 
like changed my faith in that 

478
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:06,320
time. 
But I, I would say that I 

479
00:32:06,320 --> 00:32:08,760
probably, you know, if I hadn't 
have had my faith, that would 

480
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:10,320
have been a lot harder to get 
through. 

481
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:15,280
And at that same time, like that
was one of the harder years that

482
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:18,520
Ray and I ever had was that year
that I was pregnant with Matthew

483
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,400
being down in Florida. 
Like we just, we just struggled 

484
00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:27,440
and then. 
When does make? 

485
00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:30,360
Because I know, you know, y'all 
are in church together every 

486
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,960
Sunday and stuff like that. 
So I know there's a shift with 

487
00:32:32,960 --> 00:32:35,360
Ray. 
So tell us, when does that shift

488
00:32:35,360 --> 00:32:37,400
kind of happen? 
OK, OK, because I was, I meant 

489
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:41,280
to say that and I so Clay was 
probably all right. 

490
00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:46,720
Well, Ray had gone overseas for,
I mean, four months or something

491
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:50,360
like that. 
And while he was there, I think 

492
00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:55,520
I'm getting the story right. 
He had a dream of, of standing 

493
00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:58,480
basically like the edge of hell,
basically. 

494
00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:01,600
I can't remember all the details
of his dream, but it really 

495
00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:04,080
shook him. 
And when he came home, he told 

496
00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:08,520
me about it. 
And so it had shaken him so much

497
00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:10,520
that he knew he needed to do 
something. 

498
00:33:11,080 --> 00:33:17,200
And so I asked him, you know, do
you, do you want to like accept 

499
00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,520
the word like or I just asked 
him. 

500
00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:22,120
I don't know how exactly it 
went, but like we had a 

501
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:27,000
discussion and he didn't feel 
like he had ever really, like 

502
00:33:27,000 --> 00:33:29,360
made that commitment to the Lord
before. 

503
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:34,200
And so I kind of walked him 
through the sinner's prayer. 

504
00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:36,880
Oh my gosh. 
That is like every life's like 

505
00:33:36,880 --> 00:33:39,880
terrain to be. 
Able to do that so beautiful no 

506
00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:44,440
and so I have these high hopes 
of like, you know what life is 

507
00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:52,120
going to look like, but of 
course life is real and it 

508
00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:55,960
doesn't always go as perfectly 
as we make that decision. 

509
00:33:56,760 --> 00:34:01,200
And I believe, you know, we're 
he's, he's with us after that, 

510
00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:05,720
but we have the choice to, to 
follow after him wholeheartedly 

511
00:34:05,720 --> 00:34:09,159
or kind of just slip back into 
our in our ways. 

512
00:34:09,159 --> 00:34:12,639
And that's kind of more like, 
well, let me go backwards this 

513
00:34:12,639 --> 00:34:15,800
too, because I think this 
probably played a role in his 

514
00:34:16,040 --> 00:34:21,920
walk right around that same 
time, our church, the church 

515
00:34:21,920 --> 00:34:27,600
that I grew up in, and we had a 
pastor that he really connected 

516
00:34:27,600 --> 00:34:31,080
with. 
And then our church split. 

517
00:34:31,679 --> 00:34:39,440
It was an ugly split. 
And so Ray got to see all that 

518
00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:43,920
ugly and I kind of fell 
somewhere in the middle of this 

519
00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:46,000
side and that side. 
I didn't really have a strong 

520
00:34:46,000 --> 00:34:50,800
pull either direction, but maybe
more traditional side, which was

521
00:34:51,360 --> 00:34:53,320
anyway. 
So he had to watch that. 

522
00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:55,280
And we moved away at the same 
time. 

523
00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:59,120
Well, we didn't go back to 
church in Florida when we moved.

524
00:34:59,120 --> 00:35:02,840
We didn't seek out of church. 
We went a couple, maybe a few 

525
00:35:02,840 --> 00:35:05,600
times to like check something 
out. 

526
00:35:05,600 --> 00:35:09,760
Yeah, but yeah. 
And we had little kids and they,

527
00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:12,960
I didn't like putting them in 
the nursery or the nursery would

528
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:16,560
call me because Matthew was a 
screamer and he, you know, they 

529
00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:18,040
wouldn't calm down all the 
things. 

530
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:26,360
So it was just not a necessarily
good time for us in our faith. 

531
00:35:26,960 --> 00:35:31,600
Although I did, I did cry out to
the Lord a lot about our 

532
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:37,280
relationship because it felt 
pretty desperate sometimes, you 

533
00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:42,160
know, and trying to raise 
children. 

534
00:35:43,240 --> 00:35:45,240
This can be really hard when 
you're struggling in your 

535
00:35:45,240 --> 00:35:48,160
marriage and away from all your 
family. 

536
00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:54,640
Going from, you know, this 
season when y'all come because 

537
00:35:54,720 --> 00:35:57,320
when do you move somewhere else 
or do y'all come back to? 

538
00:35:57,320 --> 00:36:01,160
Georgia and the next place we 
moved is like that is where my 

539
00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:04,040
transformation really happened. 
So he got orders after four 

540
00:36:04,040 --> 00:36:11,000
years to Washington State and 
we, So we, I moved across the 

541
00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:12,960
country. 
My youngest was three. 

542
00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:16,960
My oldest was 7. 
No 10. 

543
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:19,240
Yeah, Ryan was 10, youngest was 
3. 

544
00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:22,920
So we picked up and moved across
the country. 

545
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:25,400
And that was probably one of the
best things that ever happened 

546
00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:28,560
to us, even though it wasn't, 
you know, just a smooth shot, 

547
00:36:28,560 --> 00:36:34,080
easy. 
I have a difficult time 

548
00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:38,320
transitioning when we move, like
making friends and just, I don't

549
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:39,760
know, it just does something to 
me. 

550
00:36:39,760 --> 00:36:43,680
I don't know how common that is,
but for me, moving kind of 

551
00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:48,600
always set me back a little bit.
So I kind of fell into a real 

552
00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:52,680
funk about a year after we moved
there. 

553
00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:57,760
Like serious depression, trying 
to remember like if there was 

554
00:36:57,760 --> 00:37:03,440
anything specific, anything that
doesn't matter. 

555
00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:11,560
But I found myself in a deep, 
dark place of anxiety that I had

556
00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:15,040
never experienced before. 
I had probably had anxiety, you 

557
00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:19,800
know, just shy girl kind of 
anxiety, but nothing like this 

558
00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:22,640
where I couldn't go to the 
grocery store. 

559
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:27,080
I didn't want to go where 
anybody would see me or I would 

560
00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:30,040
have to use the self checkout 
because I couldn't deal with 

561
00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:34,400
having to come face to face with
the checkout girl or something. 

562
00:37:34,400 --> 00:37:38,440
Like it was really bad. 
And at that time Ray and I were 

563
00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:41,280
still struggling. 
Like in our marriage, we just, 

564
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:45,880
we made it work. 
We lived normal, but we just, we

565
00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:50,600
couldn't ever get past these 
differences that we had, 

566
00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:57,800
especially in our child raising.
And so my thing, you know, like 

567
00:37:57,800 --> 00:38:01,880
I said earlier is I always would
go to the Lord when I would 

568
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:05,920
struggle. 
And so we had a basement, it's 

569
00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:10,720
where we had our laundry and I 
had a radio down there and I 

570
00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:13,560
kept it tuned to like the 
Christian radio station all the 

571
00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:17,040
time, 24/7 it was. 
And I would go down there and I 

572
00:38:17,040 --> 00:38:19,840
would get a notebook and I would
just write like my thing is 

573
00:38:19,840 --> 00:38:23,200
writing like I just, that's how 
I kind of connect with the Lord 

574
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:30,600
the best. 
And I would just pour my heart 

575
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:34,040
and soul out my fears. 
And he just the Lord, just he 

576
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:39,280
was so patient with me and so 
kind to me in the way that he 

577
00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:45,200
dealt with me. 
And he taught me like how to 

578
00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:48,560
pull these things out of me that
I needed to deal with. 

579
00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:53,640
Like I remember at one point, 
like it was he had me write down

580
00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:55,480
like all the things that I was 
afraid of. 

581
00:38:55,560 --> 00:38:59,960
It was a long list, you know of.
And some of it was, you know, 

582
00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:03,400
pretty normal and some of it was
pretty irrational, you know, and

583
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:05,120
but I had to deal with these 
things. 

584
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:11,920
And it got so bad though, at one
point where I was never had this

585
00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:14,800
happen before that. 
And I never had this happen 

586
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:17,000
after that. 
But there was a little bit of 

587
00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:22,080
time there where I was kind of 
like having not visions in the 

588
00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:24,480
sense that like everything would
shut down and I would just see 

589
00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:28,280
these visions, but I would get 
pictures in my head of really 

590
00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:33,840
bad things, like like bad scenes
of think of just bad things 

591
00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:36,080
happening. 
And it was scary. 

592
00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:44,440
It was really scary to me. 
And so I knew that I had needed 

593
00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:49,720
to go see somebody for help. 
I had taken back when Clay was a

594
00:39:49,720 --> 00:39:53,160
baby, I'd gotten on like an anti
anxiety medication and it gave 

595
00:39:53,160 --> 00:40:00,280
me such terrible side effects 
that I swore I would never ever 

596
00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:02,400
get on medication again. 
It was so bad. 

597
00:40:03,800 --> 00:40:06,760
It helped me some, but it the 
side effects were awful. 

598
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:09,920
And so I just kind of wrote that
off and I'm like, I'm never 

599
00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:12,880
doing that again. 
But at this point in my life I 

600
00:40:12,880 --> 00:40:14,320
was like, I have got to do 
something. 

601
00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:21,200
So counseling was where I went 
and just being able to talk and 

602
00:40:21,200 --> 00:40:24,920
get those things sorted out, 
like my feelings all sorted out.

603
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:31,000
Was really helpful to me. 
But she eventually was like, I 

604
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:32,960
think you probably should take 
something. 

605
00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:39,720
And so I was able to make an 
appointment with the doctor and 

606
00:40:39,720 --> 00:40:43,680
get on a different type of drug 
that was able that was totally 

607
00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:45,280
different than what I have been 
on before. 

608
00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:49,120
And that one, even though like 
I'm not a big purple, I don't 

609
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:53,640
like to take medicine. 
And so it was really hard for me

610
00:40:53,640 --> 00:40:55,280
to make that decision, but I 
did. 

611
00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:58,080
And I'm so glad that I did 
because it, I think it saved 

612
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:03,200
Jesus saved my life, but he led 
me to that point. 

613
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:08,240
And it just really, I don't know
if I was having a chemical 

614
00:41:08,240 --> 00:41:12,240
imbalance or what, but it 
regulated me to where I wasn't 

615
00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:14,800
dealing with those physical 
symptoms because I would have 

616
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:20,440
like physical symptoms of the 
anxiety, like fear, like 

617
00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:25,000
manifesting itself in my body so
that I couldn't like my heart 

618
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:28,840
would race and I just couldn't 
do the things I needed to do. 

619
00:41:29,760 --> 00:41:33,440
And so once I got on that 
medication, I was able to take 

620
00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:38,760
steps without that physical. 
I might still have been scared 

621
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:42,680
in my head, but I was able to 
push through it because I didn't

622
00:41:42,680 --> 00:41:46,040
have the physical body fighting 
me on it. 

623
00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:54,800
And so the Lord led me to get 
back to school. 

624
00:41:55,240 --> 00:42:00,320
And so I went back to school for
a while. 

625
00:42:00,640 --> 00:42:04,480
I can't remember all the 
timelines, but so he decided 

626
00:42:04,600 --> 00:42:07,240
sometime around that then that 
he was going to retire from the 

627
00:42:07,240 --> 00:42:10,320
Air Force. 
I had just pulled my youngest 

628
00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:14,000
son out of school to homeschool 
him, which I never planned to 

629
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:16,600
do. 
Like that was not on my list of 

630
00:42:16,600 --> 00:42:20,800
things I want to do ever. 
And but it just circumstances 

631
00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:23,480
just lined up to that's what I 
felt like the Lord needed me to 

632
00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:26,440
do. 
And and then he comes and says, 

633
00:42:26,440 --> 00:42:30,520
I want to retire and I'm like, 
no, I liked our life, but he it 

634
00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:34,240
was too much for him. 
And so I had to surrender to his

635
00:42:35,520 --> 00:42:38,280
his leadership in that and all 
this time. 

636
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:44,800
So gosh, the Lord, even though 
that moment happened and I don't

637
00:42:44,800 --> 00:42:46,920
even remember the timeline, this
could have happened before or 

638
00:42:46,920 --> 00:42:49,440
after, I don't know. 
But the Lord had worked with me 

639
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:55,000
on my heart about Ray and like 
me and him, me and the Lord had 

640
00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:59,200
some arguments about like I was 
mad that the Lord wanted me to 

641
00:42:59,200 --> 00:43:02,000
do like pick up his cup or 
something and put it in the sink

642
00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:09,120
or like not complain or just be 
a Good Wife, like, you know, 

643
00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:10,960
like just nice things that he 
does. 

644
00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:13,720
I didn't feel like he deserved, 
you know, but the Lord was 

645
00:43:13,720 --> 00:43:17,600
asking me to do it to honor him,
not to worry about whether or 

646
00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:20,600
not it was Ray. 
Was Ray deserving of it? 

647
00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:27,680
But like he was teaching me to 
obey him by loving my husband, 

648
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:30,360
regardless of whether I felt 
like he deserved it. 

649
00:43:31,120 --> 00:43:37,000
And that changed my life, being 
able to like learn how to submit

650
00:43:37,000 --> 00:43:42,440
and humble myself before the 
Lord, not I wasn't necessarily 

651
00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:47,160
doing it because of anything Ray
was doing or because like it 

652
00:43:47,160 --> 00:43:53,120
just, it was all for the Lord. 
And so Ray saw that shift in me,

653
00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:59,560
like my pride I used to have, 
like I used to be super proud, I

654
00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:00,760
guess. 
I don't know. 

655
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:04,840
But like, I had a whole 
different attitude before that 

656
00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:07,040
period of time. 
Like I was the kind of person 

657
00:44:07,040 --> 00:44:09,600
that like always had to be 
right, you know, And if I was 

658
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:12,680
wrong, I couldn't admit it, you 
know, like that was me. 

659
00:44:12,920 --> 00:44:14,880
And I wanted to argue about 
everything. 

660
00:44:15,080 --> 00:44:18,280
And the Lord, like during these 
few years when we lived in 

661
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:22,320
Washington, like he, he just 
stripped me of those things. 

662
00:44:22,440 --> 00:44:26,600
And as hard as it could be 
sometimes, like it's not hard 

663
00:44:26,600 --> 00:44:28,880
anymore. 
Like it's just, I don't have to 

664
00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:30,000
be right. 
It's OK. 

665
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:34,320
Like, you know, like he just 
little by little stripped away 

666
00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:40,800
all these personality things 
about me that helped me to be 

667
00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:43,440
able to walk humbly before my 
God. 

668
00:44:44,160 --> 00:44:48,360
And yeah. 
And like, and he and I had to do

669
00:44:48,360 --> 00:44:51,800
that in front of other people, 
which, you know, it's very 

670
00:44:51,800 --> 00:44:55,400
humbling, yes. 
And but I'm so grateful. 

671
00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:58,240
So Ray had been witnessing all 
of that. 

672
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:04,360
We still struggled, but like I, 
I had gained a lot more 

673
00:45:04,360 --> 00:45:06,520
self-control in the way that I 
responded. 

674
00:45:07,160 --> 00:45:12,560
And we had teenage boys at that 
time too, which made it even 

675
00:45:12,560 --> 00:45:16,800
harder. 
But so that he decided that he 

676
00:45:16,800 --> 00:45:19,400
was going to retire in like 
January, like that's when he 

677
00:45:19,400 --> 00:45:21,440
made the decision. 
And so we were going to be 

678
00:45:21,440 --> 00:45:23,800
getting out and leaving in 
September. 

679
00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:27,600
We, he did not have a job yet 
lined up. 

680
00:45:28,600 --> 00:45:32,920
We were just trusting the Lord 
Now, like I said, he he wasn't 

681
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:35,080
going to church with me or 
anything, but he did believe 

682
00:45:35,080 --> 00:45:39,880
that God was good and he could 
witness all these things and 

683
00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:43,120
that was a transformer 
transformative time for him. 

684
00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:46,600
I think in his faith to going 
through that whole retirement 

685
00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:50,880
process. 
He one morning I had gone out 

686
00:45:50,880 --> 00:45:57,160
for a run and I was mad at Ray 
most mornings on the weekend 

687
00:45:57,520 --> 00:46:00,040
because he would lay in the bed 
and I would be going to church. 

688
00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:03,120
And I'm like, you know, just, I 
don't know, stupid stuff. 

689
00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:07,480
But one morning I'd gone out for
a run before church. 

690
00:46:08,280 --> 00:46:11,880
And on my run, the Lord said, I 
want you to ask Gray to church. 

691
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:17,560
And I'm like, he's not going to 
go, like, fine, I'll ask him. 

692
00:46:17,560 --> 00:46:21,000
But you know, he's not going to 
go like, you know, like I can 

693
00:46:21,000 --> 00:46:22,600
tell the Lord anything, you 
know. 

694
00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:26,240
And so normally when I would 
come home, he'd still be in the 

695
00:46:26,240 --> 00:46:28,200
bed. 
Well, that day I came home and 

696
00:46:28,200 --> 00:46:29,840
he's standing in the kitchen. 
Oh, wow. 

697
00:46:29,920 --> 00:46:34,640
And I was like, OK, great. 
And so I said, do you want to go

698
00:46:34,640 --> 00:46:37,040
to church with me? 
I probably said it with a snotty

699
00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:40,520
kind of attitude, but like I 
was, I said, do you want to go 

700
00:46:40,520 --> 00:46:42,640
to church with me? 
And he said yes. 

701
00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:47,200
And I was like, wow, OK. 
And so he did. 

702
00:46:47,560 --> 00:46:52,480
And it was that was in August. 
And the message that the guy 

703
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:55,680
gave that day, we went to the 
Chapel on base is where I went 

704
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:58,960
all the time. 
The message that the guy gave 

705
00:47:00,240 --> 00:47:04,520
was so in line with what? 
Because we had a lot of worries,

706
00:47:04,520 --> 00:47:07,720
you know, transitioning from 
military life to civilian life 

707
00:47:07,720 --> 00:47:10,080
and not having a job, knowing 
we're about to move and 

708
00:47:10,520 --> 00:47:15,040
everything. 
And so when the message was 

709
00:47:15,040 --> 00:47:18,560
over, he was like, did you know 
he was going to say that? 

710
00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:21,640
And I was like, no, how would I 
have known that? 

711
00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:26,080
I like think, you know, and I 
think that solidified it for him

712
00:47:26,080 --> 00:47:28,920
because he has gone to church 
with me every Sunday since then 

713
00:47:29,320 --> 00:47:32,920
and it's been over 10 years ago.
That is amazing. 

714
00:47:32,920 --> 00:47:36,720
Yeah. 
And so he saw God's hand working

715
00:47:36,720 --> 00:47:39,320
in that. 
And I cannot tell you how much, 

716
00:47:39,920 --> 00:47:43,440
how many times through that 
whole retirement process and 

717
00:47:43,440 --> 00:47:50,640
transition, because it was April
before he got a job and just 

718
00:47:50,640 --> 00:47:54,280
watching time after time of God 
carrying us through that. 

719
00:47:54,280 --> 00:47:57,240
And my faith had grown like 
leaps and bounds. 

720
00:47:57,240 --> 00:48:00,480
Like I was like, I wish I could 
be like that Now. 

721
00:48:00,480 --> 00:48:03,000
I'm, it's, I'm not like that 
right now. 

722
00:48:03,080 --> 00:48:07,560
But, but I mean, it was just 
like I could hear the Lord say 

723
00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:08,560
this. 
I'd do that. 

724
00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:13,040
I would just, most of the time I
would not give him any pushback 

725
00:48:13,040 --> 00:48:16,600
and just obey. 
I mean, and it was like, I could

726
00:48:16,600 --> 00:48:20,320
ask the Lord to like bring me a 
baby deer, like, you know, and 

727
00:48:20,320 --> 00:48:24,520
he would like, it's, it sounds 
crazy, but like, that's how 

728
00:48:25,480 --> 00:48:30,360
tight we were at that time. 
Like I was just in tune with him

729
00:48:30,600 --> 00:48:36,560
And it rubbed off on Ray and we 
moved back to Georgia, started 

730
00:48:36,560 --> 00:48:41,800
going to that same church that 
broke up just out of I didn't 

731
00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:44,800
want to go to that church, but 
it just wind up that way. 

732
00:48:46,120 --> 00:48:49,400
And then we got kind of 
connected in there. 

733
00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:52,840
And so once he got a job and we 
moved like we kind of still were

734
00:48:52,920 --> 00:48:57,520
were there against my wishes. 
Like that's just where the Lord 

735
00:48:57,520 --> 00:49:01,640
had us. 
Let's Fast forward just a little

736
00:49:01,640 --> 00:49:04,920
bit to more recent time. 
Just it's OK. 

737
00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:07,400
I loved it because earlier when 
we were talking, you said, you 

738
00:49:07,400 --> 00:49:09,480
know, there's a lot of layers to
my faith. 

739
00:49:09,520 --> 00:49:13,600
Like it's like the Lord just 
overtime has just peeled you and

740
00:49:13,600 --> 00:49:15,600
pruned you and and that's how 
it's grown. 

741
00:49:15,600 --> 00:49:18,400
So I love that I am not taking 
away any of that and I don't 

742
00:49:18,400 --> 00:49:21,640
want to skip, but I want to get 
to the where you where are right

743
00:49:21,640 --> 00:49:25,120
now. 
So tell us a little bit about 

744
00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:31,080
probably the last year or so and
the Storm Trial Valley, whatever

745
00:49:31,200 --> 00:49:33,920
this season is for you. 
Let's talk a little bit about 

746
00:49:33,920 --> 00:49:36,200
that. 
OK, it's actually a good spot 

747
00:49:36,200 --> 00:49:39,360
because I just said that like I 
was obeying the Lord like that. 

748
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:46,320
So seven years ago or more, he 
had kind of like put a prick in 

749
00:49:46,320 --> 00:49:49,760
me as I've always had this 
serious, at least since I've 

750
00:49:49,760 --> 00:49:52,720
been adult serious, like anxiety
over doctor stuff. 

751
00:49:53,040 --> 00:49:54,200
I never want to go to the 
doctor. 

752
00:49:55,840 --> 00:50:01,480
Seven or eight years ago, he put
a prick in me too go have a 

753
00:50:01,480 --> 00:50:05,400
mammogram and I just could not 
do it. 

754
00:50:05,400 --> 00:50:08,080
I could not do it. 
I it was one of those things and

755
00:50:08,080 --> 00:50:10,920
it was like a wall between me 
and the Lord, Like I knew I 

756
00:50:10,920 --> 00:50:15,080
needed to obey and I couldn't 
make myself trust him with that.

757
00:50:15,480 --> 00:50:22,040
And and it just I actually have 
seen like my relationship with 

758
00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:25,840
him deteriorate somewhat. 
Not like, I mean we're still 

759
00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:30,120
like, he's still my God and I'm 
I still, and he still has 

760
00:50:30,120 --> 00:50:32,800
blessed me. 
Like there's he, he hasn't left 

761
00:50:32,800 --> 00:50:35,680
me. 
But I knew and he knew that 

762
00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:38,480
there was that thing over there 
that I'm not being obedient in. 

763
00:50:39,120 --> 00:50:46,280
And that was it. 
And so let's see, I have to go 

764
00:50:46,280 --> 00:50:49,560
back. 
Like can I come back like 3 

765
00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:50,360
years? 
Sure. 

766
00:50:52,360 --> 00:50:58,480
So three years ago, Ray came to 
me and confessed he pulled me 

767
00:50:58,480 --> 00:51:03,120
out of work one day and drove me
to a parking lot and said I need

768
00:51:03,120 --> 00:51:06,360
to tell you something. 
And he confessed a lot of his, 

769
00:51:07,160 --> 00:51:12,680
some things that he deals with 
personally that we're not 

770
00:51:12,680 --> 00:51:17,000
honoring to me. 
And I wasn't surprised because I

771
00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:21,200
kind of knew those things were 
going on and I had turned it 

772
00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:24,080
over to the Lord and to let him 
deal with it. 

773
00:51:24,120 --> 00:51:25,760
And because there was nothing 
else I could do. 

774
00:51:26,000 --> 00:51:32,840
And he did, He dealt with that 
and got Ray, got a hold of him. 

775
00:51:33,040 --> 00:51:37,560
And so I was just happy. 
I was just so happy that he had 

776
00:51:37,560 --> 00:51:41,520
come around and he started 
making all these changes as far 

777
00:51:41,520 --> 00:51:46,640
as his faith was concerned. 
And then I started deteriorating

778
00:51:47,000 --> 00:51:52,440
after that because instead of 
like I sort of taking it back 

779
00:51:52,440 --> 00:51:54,840
from the Lord, I started trying 
to control everything. 

780
00:51:56,240 --> 00:52:02,080
So that sent us into my trust 
issues came back really strongly

781
00:52:02,520 --> 00:52:07,400
and overwhelmingly. 
And that has just had us in a 

782
00:52:07,560 --> 00:52:11,560
really tough place because we 
had gotten, you know, pretty 

783
00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:14,440
well. 
We ever never had gotten really 

784
00:52:14,440 --> 00:52:20,960
great. 
But like, so the past, I'd say 2

785
00:52:20,960 --> 00:52:28,960
years, well, I was working for 
another church and I just really

786
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:32,080
felt strongly that the Lord 
wanted me to step away from that

787
00:52:32,080 --> 00:52:41,480
job. 
And so I did last last March, I 

788
00:52:41,480 --> 00:52:44,320
think it was last March, March 
2024, I don't really know. 

789
00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:50,360
Anyway, right after that, like 
we just went into the hardest 

790
00:52:50,360 --> 00:52:56,520
year of our marriage probably 
today and I was under constant 

791
00:52:56,520 --> 00:53:00,320
stress trying to deal with with 
all of it. 

792
00:53:00,520 --> 00:53:10,560
And that summer last year, last 
summer 2024, right in the middle

793
00:53:11,040 --> 00:53:17,280
of our hardest time of marriage,
I started having pain in my 

794
00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:23,320
right breast. 
And I knew that something was 

795
00:53:23,320 --> 00:53:26,120
seriously wrong because you 
shouldn't have pain in one side 

796
00:53:26,120 --> 00:53:28,280
like that. 
It would not go away. 

797
00:53:29,120 --> 00:53:31,000
It was so bad that, you know, I 
would have to take pain 

798
00:53:31,000 --> 00:53:36,440
medication. 
And that's like my worst fear. 

799
00:53:36,440 --> 00:53:39,160
I've, I have feared cancer for 
forever. 

800
00:53:39,160 --> 00:53:42,360
Like, that has just been the 
biggest fear of, of my life. 

801
00:53:42,360 --> 00:53:48,120
And I had a feeling that's 
probably what it was and I'd not

802
00:53:48,120 --> 00:53:51,480
want to tell anybody. 
And so I mostly didn't. 

803
00:53:51,640 --> 00:53:56,640
I did at one point, even though 
Ray and I weren't weren't loving

804
00:53:56,640 --> 00:53:59,760
each other very much at that 
time, I did sit him down and 

805
00:53:59,760 --> 00:54:02,640
tell him, I've got this going 
on. 

806
00:54:03,000 --> 00:54:05,640
I don't want you to push me to 
go to the doctor. 

807
00:54:07,280 --> 00:54:10,120
I probably do need to go to the 
doctor, but I don't want you to 

808
00:54:10,120 --> 00:54:12,200
push me. 
I'm just telling you because I 

809
00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:13,720
need, I think I need to tell 
you. 

810
00:54:16,560 --> 00:54:18,520
We didn't really talk about it a
whole lot. 

811
00:54:20,360 --> 00:54:23,000
And then about he didn't say 
anything else about it. 

812
00:54:23,000 --> 00:54:25,760
And about a week later he did 
ask me. 

813
00:54:25,760 --> 00:54:28,720
He said how how's that? 
And I was like, well, it had 

814
00:54:28,720 --> 00:54:30,400
started feeling just a little 
bit better. 

815
00:54:30,960 --> 00:54:33,560
And so I just told him, I said, 
well, I think it's getting 

816
00:54:33,560 --> 00:54:35,760
better. 
And that was that. 

817
00:54:35,760 --> 00:54:37,080
And we didn't talk about it 
anymore. 

818
00:54:37,400 --> 00:54:44,080
And about that time, then it 
started hurting more, I guess, 

819
00:54:44,080 --> 00:54:46,960
like, and so I was like, Dang 
it, I probably do need to get 

820
00:54:46,960 --> 00:54:54,480
seen. 
He got, he had wanted to get a 

821
00:54:54,480 --> 00:54:57,040
job on base when we first moved 
back and it just never happened.

822
00:54:57,040 --> 00:54:59,720
It just would not happen. 
Like it was like God was putting

823
00:54:59,720 --> 00:55:03,400
blocks in the way. 
But then this opportunity came 

824
00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:08,240
up and he got an interview right
around the same time. 

825
00:55:08,400 --> 00:55:10,960
And I was like, OK, well, I 
cannot go. 

826
00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:13,600
I cannot do this right now. 
I cannot while he's trying. 

827
00:55:13,600 --> 00:55:16,840
And he got the job and he had to
do this all, all this training, 

828
00:55:17,400 --> 00:55:20,640
like I cannot, we can't do this 
right now. 

829
00:55:20,640 --> 00:55:24,680
Like I can't have him starting a
new job and me starting, you 

830
00:55:24,680 --> 00:55:27,120
know, a journey of cancer right 
now. 

831
00:55:27,760 --> 00:55:31,560
So I put it off and then it was 
the holidays and I was like, I'm

832
00:55:31,560 --> 00:55:33,840
not putting my kids through this
in the holidays. 

833
00:55:33,960 --> 00:55:35,760
And so I still, I never told 
anybody. 

834
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:39,720
I never brought it up to him. 
And then it did start feeling 

835
00:55:39,720 --> 00:55:42,280
better for a couple of months 
there after the first of the 

836
00:55:42,280 --> 00:55:47,040
year, But it was like I knew I 
knew what I needed to do and I 

837
00:55:47,040 --> 00:55:49,640
just couldn't do it. 
I just could not let go and 

838
00:55:49,680 --> 00:55:56,880
trust God with that Until 
finally in May, Ray noticed it. 

839
00:55:57,000 --> 00:56:01,160
He felt it. 
And because I did have AI could 

840
00:56:01,160 --> 00:56:02,560
feel it. 
I had felt it the whole time. 

841
00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:08,400
And he asked me about it. 
And as soon as he asked me about

842
00:56:08,400 --> 00:56:10,520
it, it started hurting again. 
And I'm like, Dang, you know, 

843
00:56:10,520 --> 00:56:12,560
like they had stopped pretty 
much. 

844
00:56:12,560 --> 00:56:17,520
I was, it was still there. 
And so I just kind of blew him 

845
00:56:17,520 --> 00:56:21,080
off and I was like nothing, you 
know, And he didn't say anything

846
00:56:21,080 --> 00:56:25,120
else about it. 
But over the next two weeks, the

847
00:56:25,120 --> 00:56:29,480
Lord really got a hold of me. 
And there was one day that we 

848
00:56:29,480 --> 00:56:35,200
just wrestled me and the Lord on
the floor crying out, just me 

849
00:56:35,200 --> 00:56:39,680
fighting, you know, fighting him
on wanting to do it. 

850
00:56:39,680 --> 00:56:42,480
Like I knew I needed to do it. 
Go to the doctor. 

851
00:56:42,520 --> 00:56:44,560
I even I didn't even know where 
to start because I didn't even 

852
00:56:44,560 --> 00:56:47,280
like have a doctor on the base, 
but I never go there. 

853
00:56:47,280 --> 00:56:51,040
I would only go to urgent cares 
because my fear was so strong 

854
00:56:51,480 --> 00:56:54,520
that like I knew if I went to 
the base doctor, they're going 

855
00:56:54,520 --> 00:56:56,320
to be like, well, why don't we 
do this test? 

856
00:56:56,320 --> 00:56:59,680
And why don't we do just normal 
tests that people who don't have

857
00:56:59,680 --> 00:57:02,960
an irrational fear, like 
mammograms and colonoscopies, 

858
00:57:02,960 --> 00:57:05,040
all the things that you should 
just normally do. 

859
00:57:05,560 --> 00:57:07,920
I couldn't and I didn't want 
them to tell me that I had to. 

860
00:57:07,920 --> 00:57:16,720
And so so I wrestled with the 
Lord and I had, he kind of spoke

861
00:57:16,720 --> 00:57:19,200
into my heart that I needed to 
reach out to a good friend of 

862
00:57:19,200 --> 00:57:22,240
mine that is like the head of 
our prayer team. 

863
00:57:22,640 --> 00:57:24,680
And so I did, I didn't tell her 
any details. 

864
00:57:24,680 --> 00:57:26,600
I just said, there's this thing 
I need to do and I'm really 

865
00:57:26,600 --> 00:57:28,800
scared. 
Can you please pray for me to be

866
00:57:28,800 --> 00:57:31,760
able to do it? 
And so I took this step and I 

867
00:57:31,760 --> 00:57:38,520
had found a doctor off base and 
I went and filled all the 

868
00:57:38,520 --> 00:57:43,400
paperwork to be a new patient 
and they had to like approve me.

869
00:57:43,640 --> 00:57:45,760
And then they that took a couple
weeks. 

870
00:57:45,760 --> 00:57:48,800
And when they finally approved 
me, I said, OK, you got an 

871
00:57:48,800 --> 00:57:52,080
appointment, but it's like a 
month later and but you need to 

872
00:57:52,080 --> 00:57:54,640
change your PCM. 
Well, I thought you could just, 

873
00:57:55,320 --> 00:58:00,040
you know, do that over the phone
or something and turns out you 

874
00:58:00,040 --> 00:58:04,080
can. 
So anyway, Long story short, 

875
00:58:04,080 --> 00:58:06,640
there were, that was in June 
when I went to the doctor's 

876
00:58:06,640 --> 00:58:09,320
office, when I finally decided, 
and that night after I went to 

877
00:58:09,320 --> 00:58:11,920
the doctor's office, I told Ray 
that night. 

878
00:58:12,000 --> 00:58:17,600
And so we had an emotional like 
week of just like fearing the 

879
00:58:17,600 --> 00:58:21,480
worst. 
And but then we kind of just 

880
00:58:22,000 --> 00:58:26,480
realized we can't live that way.
You know, we can't, we don't 

881
00:58:26,480 --> 00:58:29,400
know what's going to happen. 
We cannot just live in this 

882
00:58:29,400 --> 00:58:33,080
constant state of fear and 
anxiety over this. 

883
00:58:33,080 --> 00:58:34,880
Like we have to live our lives 
normal. 

884
00:58:34,880 --> 00:58:36,720
Like we've gotten the process 
started. 

885
00:58:38,000 --> 00:58:41,320
And so we did. 
And, you know, getting past that

886
00:58:41,320 --> 00:58:47,840
first step for me, like it was 
still scary, but I had to lean 

887
00:58:47,840 --> 00:58:49,800
on the Lord. 
Like, I mean, I've always had to

888
00:58:49,800 --> 00:58:53,000
lean on the Lord, but like to be
able to go through each of these

889
00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:55,800
things. 
It just has really like 

890
00:58:55,800 --> 00:59:00,720
solidified that. 
But so it took me until August, 

891
00:59:00,720 --> 00:59:04,480
the middle of August, my PCM 
change was denied and I ended up

892
00:59:04,480 --> 00:59:06,280
having to be seen on base 
anyway. 

893
00:59:07,960 --> 00:59:15,880
And I ended up having that was 
just sort of a basic get to know

894
00:59:15,880 --> 00:59:18,400
you appointment. 
And she said she didn't really 

895
00:59:18,400 --> 00:59:22,240
think it was probably anything, 
but she sent me for radiology 

896
00:59:22,240 --> 00:59:24,320
anyway. 
Well, it was September 30th 

897
00:59:24,840 --> 00:59:31,280
before I got into radiology 
because of a little just issues 

898
00:59:31,280 --> 00:59:34,000
that would come up with like the
medical coding in my referral 

899
00:59:34,000 --> 00:59:35,600
was wrong. 
And like all these things just 

900
00:59:35,600 --> 00:59:41,080
kept pushing it back and pushing
it back and then and I just had 

901
00:59:41,080 --> 00:59:43,240
it like, I just, I could not 
worry about it. 

902
00:59:43,240 --> 00:59:48,400
Like I've been worrying so long 
that like I knew, like I cannot 

903
00:59:48,400 --> 00:59:50,760
worry about this. 
Like I had to just keep giving 

904
00:59:50,760 --> 00:59:52,240
it to God and keep giving it to 
God. 

905
00:59:52,240 --> 00:59:56,640
And I probably could have pushed
farther, like harder for them to

906
00:59:56,640 --> 01:00:01,440
like do it faster, but I didn't 
like I just, I had to just let 

907
01:00:01,680 --> 01:00:04,920
it happen as it happened. 
And on September 30th, I went 

908
01:00:04,920 --> 01:00:10,320
for my mammogram and my 
ultrasound and I knew. 

909
01:00:10,680 --> 01:00:14,840
That day she gave me, the 
radiologist came in and you 

910
01:00:14,840 --> 01:00:18,360
could just see the concern all 
over her face and she told me 

911
01:00:18,360 --> 01:00:22,240
that she wanted to do some 
biopsies and Ray was there with 

912
01:00:22,240 --> 01:00:29,960
me. 
And so she called me the next 

913
01:00:29,960 --> 01:00:34,880
day to schedule a biopsy for 
that was a Tuesday. 

914
01:00:35,160 --> 01:00:37,080
She called me Wednesday and 
said, can you come in tomorrow, 

915
01:00:37,440 --> 01:00:40,240
do the biopsy? 
So I did and then so they called

916
01:00:40,240 --> 01:00:44,440
me Friday and said you have. 
Well, I went in there and they 

917
01:00:44,440 --> 01:00:48,640
told me that I had cancer in my 
right breast and but it was very

918
01:00:48,640 --> 01:00:55,800
treatable, kind and everything. 
And so then I had just, you 

919
01:00:55,800 --> 01:00:59,480
know, just a few steps. 
I had to have an MRI that was 

920
01:00:59,480 --> 01:01:02,720
like the middle of October. 
And then I met with a surgeon. 

921
01:01:02,880 --> 01:01:10,360
I was going to have a had a 
double mastectomy and, and now 

922
01:01:10,360 --> 01:01:15,560
I'm at the point where I'm they 
thought they got everything in 

923
01:01:15,560 --> 01:01:18,600
my in my mastectomy, they took 
out some lymph nodes and 

924
01:01:19,240 --> 01:01:21,960
initially they thought the lymph
nodes were clear, but they're 

925
01:01:21,960 --> 01:01:26,400
actually not. 
So I'm not cancer free yet and 

926
01:01:26,400 --> 01:01:28,400
they don't know like how many 
lymph nodes. 

927
01:01:28,400 --> 01:01:36,440
So I will be doing like 
radiation and but the thing 

928
01:01:36,440 --> 01:01:40,520
about it is I feel like a 
walking miracle right now 

929
01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:47,360
because given my history of 
panic and fear over medical 

930
01:01:48,840 --> 01:01:54,920
things and cancer being my worst
fear, the fact like I had, I 

931
01:01:54,920 --> 01:01:58,120
guess I had in my mind as being 
something completely different 

932
01:01:58,120 --> 01:02:01,320
than it actually is. 
Like I thought, you know, you 

933
01:02:01,320 --> 01:02:03,960
hear the word cancer, your pull 
on the floor and you don't get 

934
01:02:03,960 --> 01:02:08,600
up until it's gone. 
I don't know, but it has not 

935
01:02:08,600 --> 01:02:12,640
been that way. 
And God has just been so kind 

936
01:02:12,640 --> 01:02:18,360
and gracious to me and I, I 
cannot explain how I am getting 

937
01:02:18,360 --> 01:02:25,080
through each and every day 
without His miraculous like 

938
01:02:25,400 --> 01:02:30,120
power in me to, to not. 
I mean, of course there's 

939
01:02:30,120 --> 01:02:33,520
moments and times when I, I 
might have a breakdown, which is

940
01:02:33,520 --> 01:02:36,040
very rare. 
And that's not how I envisioned 

941
01:02:36,040 --> 01:02:38,080
it either. 
I thought I would just be all 

942
01:02:38,080 --> 01:02:43,880
the time in a, in a tizzy over 
with fear and with sadness. 

943
01:02:43,880 --> 01:02:45,600
And it just hasn't been that 
way. 

944
01:02:45,600 --> 01:02:51,160
Like I'm basically normal. 
And I mean, somebody else has 

945
01:02:51,160 --> 01:02:54,480
probably been through cancer. 
That doesn't sound strange at 

946
01:02:54,480 --> 01:02:56,480
all. 
But like, to me, if you had told

947
01:02:56,480 --> 01:02:59,960
me that before this happened, I 
would don't know that I would 

948
01:02:59,960 --> 01:03:02,480
have believed you. 
But to me, it feels like a 

949
01:03:02,480 --> 01:03:05,880
miracle. 
It feels like God has just is 

950
01:03:05,880 --> 01:03:12,640
performing a miracle in my life 
on the daily because I, because 

951
01:03:12,640 --> 01:03:19,200
he's carrying me and I, I, I've 
just had so many experiences 

952
01:03:19,800 --> 01:03:26,440
where he's shown his hand in 
being right there with me. 

953
01:03:26,440 --> 01:03:32,440
And no, I don't feel as close to
him as I did in that time period

954
01:03:32,440 --> 01:03:35,280
that I told you about, you know,
where it was like, you know, we 

955
01:03:35,280 --> 01:03:40,000
just, we were just so tight. 
Like, but I think he took me 

956
01:03:40,000 --> 01:03:45,880
through a season where he had to
teach me not to lean so heavily 

957
01:03:45,880 --> 01:03:52,560
on those good feelings. 
And so just trusting and knowing

958
01:03:52,560 --> 01:04:00,240
who he is and knowing what he 
says he has for me and still 

959
01:04:00,240 --> 01:04:03,640
choosing to be obedient even 
though I'm not feeling Mormon 

960
01:04:03,640 --> 01:04:07,000
gushy all the time. 
Like even though he's allowing 

961
01:04:07,000 --> 01:04:11,560
me to go through this and I 
don't, I don't resent having to 

962
01:04:11,560 --> 01:04:16,080
go through this at all. 
Like I see it as his provision 

963
01:04:16,080 --> 01:04:18,920
for me for whatever that means, 
whatever that looks like in the 

964
01:04:18,920 --> 01:04:20,800
future or whatever the outcome 
is. 

965
01:04:20,800 --> 01:04:22,720
I don't want to, I don't want to
die. 

966
01:04:22,720 --> 01:04:26,520
I don't want to leave my like I 
don't I'm not afraid to die. 

967
01:04:27,280 --> 01:04:30,160
I am afraid of pain. 
I don't like pain, but like I'm 

968
01:04:30,160 --> 01:04:33,000
not afraid to to die because I 
know where I'm going. 

969
01:04:33,200 --> 01:04:34,920
I just, I don't want my family 
to. 

970
01:04:34,920 --> 01:04:39,720
Suffer in this, that's one of 
the reasons why I wanted to have

971
01:04:39,720 --> 01:04:42,200
you on is because like. 
Even. 

972
01:04:42,400 --> 01:04:49,520
Those, this is such a like heavy
time, like you have just had so 

973
01:04:49,520 --> 01:04:52,920
much grace about it. 
Like you have been posting about

974
01:04:53,120 --> 01:04:57,440
your, your journey and still 
telling about how good God is. 

975
01:04:57,440 --> 01:04:59,920
And you know, some people get 
dealt this and they're like, 

976
01:05:00,400 --> 01:05:03,640
they're angry, they're mad, 
they're, they don't want to 

977
01:05:03,640 --> 01:05:05,600
continue to seek the Lord. 
They don't want to have that 

978
01:05:05,600 --> 01:05:07,840
relationship. 
So watching you have this 

979
01:05:07,840 --> 01:05:13,160
strength has just been so, you 
know, encouraging to me to, to 

980
01:05:13,160 --> 01:05:15,000
so many others because I see 
you're posting. 

981
01:05:15,000 --> 01:05:16,560
They're like, wow, she could 
have gave up. 

982
01:05:16,720 --> 01:05:19,360
He could have been so mad with 
God, but you haven't been. 

983
01:05:19,360 --> 01:05:21,280
And that's what's been so 
beautiful to me. 

984
01:05:21,800 --> 01:05:26,000
But I know we've been talking 
and it's been great, but we're 

985
01:05:26,000 --> 01:05:28,080
going to go ahead and try to 
start closing it up a little 

986
01:05:28,080 --> 01:05:29,920
bit. 
I'm going to give you three ways

987
01:05:29,920 --> 01:05:32,440
to close it. 
Maybe there was something that 

988
01:05:32,440 --> 01:05:35,800
you wanted to say, but you 
haven't had the chance to say a 

989
01:05:35,800 --> 01:05:39,000
piece of advice or maybe 
something that God has revealed 

990
01:05:39,000 --> 01:05:42,400
to you more recently or taught 
you about himself more recently.

991
01:05:42,720 --> 01:05:46,920
How would you want to close it? 
I think I'm going to go with a 

992
01:05:46,920 --> 01:05:53,440
piece of advice and my advice 
would be to just keep coming, 

993
01:05:54,480 --> 01:05:58,440
never give up. 
Just go because through all the 

994
01:05:58,440 --> 01:06:05,840
seasons of my life, that's what 
I've done as just keep coming 

995
01:06:05,840 --> 01:06:10,280
back to him and just keep giving
him the opportunity to speak to 

996
01:06:10,280 --> 01:06:12,680
me, the opportunity to show me 
himself. 

997
01:06:12,680 --> 01:06:20,760
And he has been so faithful and 
so good and gracious and kind to

998
01:06:20,760 --> 01:06:25,000
me when I don't deserve it. 
I don't deserve one bit of it. 

999
01:06:25,680 --> 01:06:32,440
I'm fully aware of how much I 
don't have to offer. 

1000
01:06:32,800 --> 01:06:41,800
And but he is always faithful 
and he just wants us to want 

1001
01:06:41,800 --> 01:06:47,320
him. 
And you know, that's one reason 

1002
01:06:47,320 --> 01:06:50,840
I don't get mad at him because I
know that he's not got anything 

1003
01:06:50,840 --> 01:06:52,560
but good for me. 
He is not. 

1004
01:06:52,560 --> 01:06:56,920
He's doing this to free me. 
And he if he brings something 

1005
01:06:56,920 --> 01:07:00,120
into your life that is hard, it 
is for your good. 

1006
01:07:00,120 --> 01:07:02,520
If he allows it, he's got a 
reason for it. 

1007
01:07:02,520 --> 01:07:07,240
And you might not see it ever. 
You might not see it while 

1008
01:07:07,240 --> 01:07:10,760
you're alive, but if you will 
just allow him to work through 

1009
01:07:10,760 --> 01:07:13,920
it and trust him. 
And I know it's not always easy 

1010
01:07:14,160 --> 01:07:20,600
to trust him, but you have to 
fight that fight and not give 

1011
01:07:20,600 --> 01:07:24,400
up. 
And I think that I'll just say 

1012
01:07:24,400 --> 01:07:27,280
one more thing. 
Me and my husband like just feel

1013
01:07:27,280 --> 01:07:29,840
bad because I feel like I left 
it where Ray is. 

1014
01:07:30,160 --> 01:07:35,280
Not like we don't have a good 
last year like or this year like

1015
01:07:35,280 --> 01:07:37,560
it has. 
Our relationship has just really

1016
01:07:37,560 --> 01:07:42,320
like God has used all of this 
and I think he's still working 

1017
01:07:42,440 --> 01:07:46,200
through this to help us and help
him. 

1018
01:07:46,200 --> 01:07:52,560
And so we're still a work in 
progress, but there's hope all 

1019
01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:55,400
the time. 
And and that's another reason 

1020
01:07:55,400 --> 01:07:57,240
not to ever give up, because 
there's always. 

1021
01:07:57,240 --> 01:08:00,160
Hope Amen, always hope that is 
so good. 

1022
01:08:00,280 --> 01:08:03,720
I promise, because I was 
thinking too is like, you've 

1023
01:08:03,720 --> 01:08:07,400
seen how much Ray has already, 
you know, changed and how 

1024
01:08:07,400 --> 01:08:11,200
y'all's relationship has went 
through these like even flows, 

1025
01:08:11,200 --> 01:08:14,440
Evan flows, whatever, you know, 
like the UPS and the downs and 

1026
01:08:14,440 --> 01:08:17,439
just like maybe last year and 
the year before, like y'all are 

1027
01:08:17,439 --> 01:08:20,240
going through it. 
But now like I'm sure this 

1028
01:08:20,800 --> 01:08:24,680
season that you are in has just 
grown so much closer, you know, 

1029
01:08:24,680 --> 01:08:27,399
and God's able to use all of 
that and just give people 

1030
01:08:27,399 --> 01:08:29,760
encouragement. 
Other women that have been going

1031
01:08:29,760 --> 01:08:32,479
through the same thing of an 
unequally yoked marriage and 

1032
01:08:32,479 --> 01:08:36,040
then even still both being 
believers, but just still not 

1033
01:08:36,120 --> 01:08:39,680
yoked completely up, you know, 
and just so there's just so much

1034
01:08:39,680 --> 01:08:42,200
encouragement in this and I'm 
just so glad that you came on 

1035
01:08:42,200 --> 01:08:43,880
today. 
It was amazing. 

1036
01:08:44,240 --> 01:08:48,319
I hope yes, I hope you guys have
enjoyed this as much as I have. 

1037
01:08:48,920 --> 01:08:51,160
Make sure you like share rate 
comment. 

1038
01:08:51,160 --> 01:08:54,439
If you have any questions 
concern, comments, just e-mail 

1039
01:08:54,439 --> 01:08:57,760
me yeah. 
So I hope you guys stay tuned, 

1040
01:08:57,760 --> 01:08:59,279
stay blessed and we'll see you 
guys later. 

1041
01:08:59,439 --> 01:08:59,720
Bye.