1 00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:15,680 What's up guys? My name's Alexis, your host with 2 00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:18,320 praises in the pod. And I'm so excited to have 3 00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:20,840 Debbie Jones here. We are going to be talking about 4 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,240 her testimony and all of the above, what God has done in her 5 00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:26,000 life. And I'm so excited for y'all to 6 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,000 hear because this is just a true work of God. 7 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:32,240 Like it is amazing to see how far she has come. 8 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,320 And we're going to jump into all of that. 9 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,920 We're going to start off from prayer and then we're going to 10 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,040 jump right in. So here we go. 11 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:39,840 Lord Heavenly Father, thank you for today. 12 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,520 Thank you for all of your many blessings. 13 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:45,120 Dear God, thank you for this space where we can come talk 14 00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:47,160 about your goodness and what you've done in our lives. 15 00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:51,560 Lord God, we pray that you continue to use us as vessels so 16 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:58,640 that we can also be used to help lead other people to You and 17 00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:01,520 push them closer to you. Lord God, that's all that this 18 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,000 is for. We just want to glorify You and 19 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,800 bring praise to your name. Thank you for all that you're 20 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,840 doing, all that you've done, and all that you're doing that we 21 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:12,240 don't even know about. Lord God, we just praise you for 22 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:14,600 that. Let you just speak to us and 23 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:17,600 through US today and let this episode glorify you and Jesus 24 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:20,800 name I pray, Amen, Amen, Amen. I struggled there for a second, 25 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,000 but it's OK. We rolled it back in. 26 00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,280 So Debbie went to the Potters house. 27 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:30,040 And if you've listened to any of any of these episodes, at some 28 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:33,640 point of the some point or another, I've talked about the 29 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:38,160 Potters house or personalities or Miss Cherie and all of the 30 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:41,120 above. And so Debbie will get there. 31 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:43,640 But that's How I Met Debbie. So I'm super excited for y'all 32 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:46,520 to hear about your testimony, what God's done in your life. 33 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:49,800 So let's jump right in, OK, All right, All right. 34 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:53,720 So tell us a little bit about yourself, how you grew up in the 35 00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:57,800 little bit of your childhood. OK, so I grew up in Germany. 36 00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,960 Oh, and so I didn't know this girl. 37 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:01,520 Yeah. And no, I don't speak German. 38 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:02,880 So. That was my next. 39 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:03,560 Question. Follow up. 40 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,280 Yeah, everyone's this O We went to American schools and 41 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,360 everything like that. But we did live off base for a 42 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:13,760 while and I had a really hard time making friends growing UO 43 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:16,080 because of that. I spent a lot of time alone and 44 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:20,400 there is this really large, like Immaculate in my memory cemetery 45 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:23,480 across the street. And so I was just drawn there 46 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,280 all the time. I would make up stories about 47 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:27,200 the cemetery and so would my German neighbors. 48 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:28,880 And I just spent a lot of time there. 49 00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:34,120 And just from a very early age, I was drawn to the supernatural 50 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:38,320 and the occult. And I always had stories about, 51 00:02:38,320 --> 00:02:41,480 you know, the witch in the woods or whatever was happening, the 52 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:45,280 cemetery and or the leprechaun in the house, and that was doing 53 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,000 mischievous things and I was getting blamed and things like 54 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,920 that. And so just really peculiar as a 55 00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:55,200 child. And, you know, my dad, he was in 56 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:58,800 the Air Force. And so he was on TDY, which is 57 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,040 temporary deployment all the time. 58 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:03,000 Yeah. He would leave for maybe a month 59 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:04,840 at a time and come back for a week. 60 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,240 That's hard. Yeah. 61 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:09,240 And so he was never really around, but he was providing for 62 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,520 his family. And so that left us with our 63 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,040 mom. And, you know, just growing up, 64 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:19,800 they, they think they did the best that they could with what 65 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:22,320 they had. But I, I definitely just 66 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,600 preferred to be alone. And I never really had a close 67 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,160 relationship with either of them. 68 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:30,880 And So what I did was I would always just disappear and be by 69 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:32,320 myself. And I was Cemetery. 70 00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,480 Yeah. The cemetery or under trees, 71 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:36,760 like the big draping tree low. It's like, find all these 72 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:40,240 mysterious places. Before we jump a little bit more 73 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,640 now, did your parents have a relationship with Jesus Christ? 74 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,880 Did y'all go to church at all or anything in your childhood? 75 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:51,520 A little bit, maybe on like Christmas or Easter. 76 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:56,320 My dad was raised Catholic and so he had not the best taste in 77 00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:00,720 his mouth for religion. Yeah, and my mom would go from 78 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,800 time to time, but growing up, it was not a big part of my 79 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:07,280 upbringing. They were not believers and it 80 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,720 was definitely not a part of our household or routine. 81 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,120 Yeah. So growing up, you know, you 82 00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:16,959 don't have that foundation. And then what about middle 83 00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:18,959 school and high school? Because you're introverted? 84 00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:22,720 So like, do you have a lot of friends or it's just like you're 85 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,320 to yourself all the time? Well. 86 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:27,600 I moved to Georgia when I was 10. 87 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:30,680 OK and did y'all come because of the base? 88 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,760 Well, yes. And so my dad was coming up on 89 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:35,600 retirement. We stayed in Germany for 10 90 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,560 years because it was budget cutbacks. 91 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,880 But when he was close to retirement, he wanted to retire 92 00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,280 in the States. So they chose Warner Robins, GA 93 00:04:42,280 --> 00:04:49,600 OK yeah, fun place. And so we get here and I still 94 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:52,120 really struggle to make friends. Now I was just the weird girl 95 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,400 from Germany, but I was desperate for friends. 96 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,520 I really wanted to fit in. I always just I wanted to be 97 00:04:57,520 --> 00:04:59,080 pretty. I wanted to be popular, but I 98 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:02,480 was not those things. And so at a very young age, I 99 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:06,640 started self harming. And that's when my mom started 100 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:10,840 taking me to church. Because we, you know, in and out 101 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:14,680 of mental health facilities, 8 different types of medications, 102 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,800 many different diagnosis. And she just didn't know what to 103 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,080 do with me. I kept getting caught cutting 104 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:22,720 myself. And so she just took me. 105 00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:23,800 She's like, I'm going to take you to church. 106 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,680 I don't know what else to do. So that's what we did. 107 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:30,560 And and I made my first friend and we kind of trauma bonded. 108 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:32,440 She also saw arms. Yeah. 109 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:37,360 We would sit there and cry together and and she got saved 110 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:39,960 and she got baptized and I didn't get saved, but I got 111 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,800 baptized because I wanted to be like her. 112 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,440 And shortly after that, she ended up taking her own life 113 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,560 and. How old are y'all? 114 00:05:47,960 --> 00:05:53,600 14 and I think she was 15 or 16. Wow, very young was very at 115 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:55,560 least the rumor. I guess there's no way I can 116 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,400 verify what happened, but the rumor was a very gruesome way of 117 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:02,640 taking her life as well, and so her funeral was the last time 118 00:06:02,640 --> 00:06:05,280 that I stepped foot into a church that. 119 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:09,360 Is so hard one hang on two things we'll we'll come back to 120 00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,280 that. I love how you know you go to 121 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:14,800 church and you make friends right and it just shows that 122 00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:17,680 when you find someone that's going through the same things as 123 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:21,080 you you do bonds like you. This is why it's important to 124 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,520 find people in this set of Christ that have walked the same 125 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:27,720 path as you, that y'all can lean on each other and know what 126 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,120 y'all went through. But then on the other side of 127 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:36,800 that, I mean, 14 to 16, anywhere in that realm that is so young, 128 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:41,160 especially to be in that desperate of a place where 129 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:44,760 you're like, there's no hope in life and I want to, I want to be 130 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,600 done that is. So how did that affect you? 131 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:55,480 Very deeply after that happened, I was so desperate to make 132 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:58,400 friends that I was willing to do anything. 133 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:03,600 I I was already struggling mentally, but I fell further 134 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:08,080 into depression. I I started using drugs right 135 00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:10,320 after that because they were the only people. 136 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:12,720 Yeah, they were the only people that would have me and. 137 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,320 And so, yeah, I just fell deeper into depression. 138 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,960 I started using and I started heavy with cocaine and ecstasy. 139 00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:23,080 I didn't smoke weed because, you know, there was just too many 140 00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:26,760 telltale signs. And so but yeah. 141 00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:31,880 And also, I won't say what church or who it was that said 142 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:36,440 it, but I got a letter after my friend killed herself and I said 143 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:39,800 that she was surely in hell because you cannot kill yourself 144 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,880 and go to heaven. And so I was like, well, if this 145 00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:46,880 is God, then God's not real and I'm done. 146 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:52,600 That is that is horrible, right? And for you to be young getting 147 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:57,240 a letter saying this like so y'all want me to just be like 148 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,520 scared? You want me to be so scared that 149 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:02,640 I have to come to church and that's not what we you know, 150 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:06,320 like it's God's loving. We don't want to beat people 151 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,960 over the head like that and make them come to church just because 152 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,760 that we want them to love, you know? 153 00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:16,640 Oh my gosh, that's horrible. So that's that's, that's a lot 154 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,480 in high school. So does that just continuously 155 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:22,320 get worse over time? Yes. 156 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:28,240 So after that I there was something inside of me that just 157 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:32,280 wanted to be bad, like I wanted a sad story. 158 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,880 I wanted trauma. I want, I don't know, there was 159 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:38,000 something in me that just craved those things. 160 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:44,680 And so I just declined my mental state, declined My dad, you 161 00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:47,280 know, he's getting close to retirement. 162 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,200 And him and I are really butting heads. 163 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,360 And, you know, he's gone for months on end. 164 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,520 And then he would come home and try to tell me what to do. 165 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:56,880 And I'm like, who are you? Yeah. 166 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:58,720 Where you been? Yeah. 167 00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:00,960 And so you don't even know me. And so I was just very 168 00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:05,880 rebellious and I get caught smoking all the time that always 169 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,680 I get caught sneaking out all the time. 170 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:12,800 And so eventually I just left. I left around 15 or 16, dropped 171 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,240 out of school and didn't really officially drop out, but I just 172 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:18,440 stopped going and, and I hit the streets running. 173 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:21,560 And there was a few times, you know, I was back and forth and 174 00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:24,440 went back to my parents house. But it just didn't last long 175 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:28,320 because we it was explosive, volatile fighting, fighting. 176 00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:33,280 And so so I just left and eventually never looked back. 177 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:38,440 And then my my addiction morphed into many different things. 178 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:43,920 It started with cocaine and ecstasy and then I pretty had, I 179 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:46,440 pretty much had no discrimination against any drug 180 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:49,440 ever. I liked all drugs, all capitals. 181 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,640 If you had it, I'll try it. Even if you told me like, oh, 182 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:54,760 that's some really bad stuff, don't do it. 183 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,720 I would probably do it. I'll find out for myself. 184 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:01,640 And so I just liked all drugs and I like the lifestyle. 185 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:06,320 I was very promiscuous. I said that I always just wanted 186 00:10:06,320 --> 00:10:10,080 to be pretty right. And, and so then I started to 187 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,840 delve even deeper into the occult. 188 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:19,920 And when my daughter was born, I was 20 years old and, you know, 189 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:25,040 I, I tried for a little while, I, I wanted to be a good mom. 190 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:30,720 I knew what I thought a good mom was, but I was just incapable of 191 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:33,000 doing it. And so, but I tried, I tried to 192 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:36,920 work and I tried to go home and do the dishes and do everything 193 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:40,760 that you're supposed to do and I just didn't work out. 194 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:43,280 Her dad ended up getting addicted while I was still 195 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:47,400 pregnant to opiates and Xanax. And he started really heavily 196 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:50,120 using that. And up until that point, up 197 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:55,040 until that point, I had used Xanax before, but really just 198 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:57,680 every now and then. And I had never touched opiates. 199 00:10:57,680 --> 00:11:00,840 I didn't know about withdrawals. I didn't know about any of that. 200 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:06,600 And, and so slowly but surely I started taking Roxycontin with 201 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:11,640 him and and then I was addicted. I remember I woke up 1 morning 202 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,520 and I was like, I'm so sick. I don't know why I feel this 203 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,560 way. And he's like, I'll just take 204 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:19,120 this and it's a Roxycontin and you'll feel better. 205 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:23,800 You're just withdrawing. And I was like, I just wished so 206 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,520 many different times that in that moment, I would have just 207 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,680 said no, yeah, you know, or there was so many times where 208 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:32,840 even my parents were like, get away from him, come back, you 209 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,720 know, I'll help you. And I just didn't take it. 210 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:39,160 And and that's when it got really bad. 211 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:44,440 In this time period, like would you say that your parents, how 212 00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:47,840 were they during all of this? Like we're because I know a lot 213 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:51,120 of times people struggle with like enabling, you know, and do 214 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:53,280 you feel like your parents kind of enabled you where they were 215 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:56,880 like, Debbie, you got to go, like you're not going to do that 216 00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,840 at my house. And then they would you would be 217 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,880 gone for a while and they're like, OK, like come back or how 218 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,000 was it? No, they didn't enable me in 219 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,920 that way. They didn't enable me 220 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:08,480 financially either. The only time they would help me 221 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,440 financially, I was really good at pretending sometimes if I had 222 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,120 a place to live, they always just thought I was crazy, right? 223 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,880 And so if I started getting too overboard, I'd be like, oh, let 224 00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:19,120 me just go back to the Phoenix Center. 225 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:22,080 Let me get back on my meds. I stopped taking my medicine and 226 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,120 really I'm withdrawing or, you know, it was just a ploy. 227 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,720 And so but they never, you know, finance my addiction or they 228 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:32,080 never let me keep moving in back with them or keep moving back in 229 00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:35,760 with them or anything like that. So we were pretty distant. 230 00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:40,560 I didn't talk to my dad basically ever and my mom sadly 231 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,320 had to hear a lot of. Really horrific phone calls from 232 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:48,920 me just coming down off of weak benders and sad things. 233 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,440 Yeah. So during this time, you have a 234 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:55,400 daughter, now you're in your 20s, and now you're addicted to 235 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:58,240 Roxy's. Well, opioids all together, just 236 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,680 anything. And so how does that transpire? 237 00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,960 How long are you in addiction for? 238 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:08,800 Well, I started at 14, and at this point in my story, I'm in 239 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,600 my early 20s. So that's, you know, eight 240 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,080 years, 868 years. Yeah. 241 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,200 Yeah. And at this point, you know, I 242 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:22,760 started working at the club, and so I'm up all night, can't wake 243 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:27,040 up during the day. Emma's dad and I are abusive to 244 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,960 each other. I would never say he's just 245 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,800 abusive to me. You know, we were abusive to 246 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,800 each other, and we were toxic. Yeah. 247 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:37,600 And so unfortunately, my daughter had to experience a lot 248 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:39,480 of things that no child ever should. 249 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:45,280 And it got to a point where after several instances, I knew 250 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:48,120 that I had to leave and, and finally I did. 251 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:52,040 And so Emma stayed with me for a year after that. 252 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:56,600 And after that, I got in a drug raid and I was in big trouble 253 00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:00,840 and I got this hefty probation. And so I started doing the 254 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,200 methadone clinic because I needed a legal way to get high 255 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:07,760 because I was going to have to, I was going to say pee in a cup. 256 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,640 That's not very. It's OK, It's all right, girl. 257 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,040 I knew I was going to have to take a drug test for probation 258 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:17,960 and I end up losing my job, losing everything. 259 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,600 And so I I had to go to detox again. 260 00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:24,720 And because it was a methadone detox, I was in there for 30 261 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,720 days and my daughter went to my parents. 262 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:34,040 So when I got out, I started thinking, what am I doing? 263 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:38,000 You know, how how can I live? How can I take care of her? 264 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,280 I'm not capable of this. And I knew she deserved better. 265 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:44,000 And my parents offered to keep her. 266 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:51,120 And, you know, the day I got out of detox, I relapsed And and I 267 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,400 but I never intended on staying clean. 268 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:53,920 Yeah. You. 269 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:55,240 Were just doing what you had to do. 270 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,840 That's it. And I never had any intention on 271 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:01,800 being clean. And what that did for me, you 272 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,680 asked earlier if my parents enabled me. 273 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,400 They never did financially, but what they did here was they 274 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,280 enabled me into being a weekend mom. 275 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,760 As long as I had somewhere to live in a job and it appeared 276 00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,320 that I was sober, she was allowed to come to my house on 277 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:18,120 weekends. And that was really convenient 278 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:19,720 for me. Yeah, because you could just 279 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,880 have her on the weekends and then during the week just do 280 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:23,240 what you wanted. Yeah. 281 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:29,640 So when all of this is going on, this you haven't been to church 282 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:36,040 since your friend took her life and so has Jesus and God and 283 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:40,720 just the church come up at any point of your life, can you look 284 00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:44,360 back and see like people like inviting you or trying to get 285 00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:45,840 you to come to church or anything? 286 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:48,480 Or they were just like, maybe you're too far gone, like. 287 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:52,560 There is a few times, like just random times. 288 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:54,840 I remember this one lady, I didn't even know her. 289 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,640 I was really high. She's looking at me and she's 290 00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:58,920 like, you know, I used to be like you. 291 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,760 And I got clean and I was like, well, how did you do that? 292 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,840 And she said it was Jesus. I was like, that's dumb. 293 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:05,920 Yeah. You know. 294 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:10,040 And then another time I had probation while Southside. 295 00:16:10,040 --> 00:16:12,800 They'll they give you Debbie, OK. 296 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,720 Yeah, they'll double your community service hours. 297 00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:17,720 It's a great marketing. It was. 298 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:21,560 And then if I came to Celebrate Recovery, I got more hours and. 299 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,360 Yeah. And so. 300 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,520 And then my daughter was like, well, why are you going to 301 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:26,960 church? I want to go to church. 302 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:30,560 And so I remember taking her one Sunday morning and she loved it. 303 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:33,880 I rode up in my 85 Monte Carlo illegally because I've never had 304 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:38,840 a license and having my cigarette and. 305 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:43,400 And I walked in that church and I felt like every single person 306 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,040 just stopped what they were doing and turned and looked at 307 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:49,680 me and I felt like I was going to burst in flames and I was so 308 00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,760 uncomfortable. Nobody greeted me and, or but I 309 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:57,440 I probably looked really crazy too, but she enjoyed it. 310 00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:58,840 But that was the last time that I went. 311 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:02,840 And so, but there are several times, especially to when I was 312 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:06,400 coming to the end of myself, that I see the Lord's hand in my 313 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:07,599 story. Absolutely. 314 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,760 But the only time I would pray to God was when I was 315 00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:13,440 withdrawing super hard and I would pray to a God that I 316 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:15,920 didn't believe in for death because I was withdrawing. 317 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,160 You sound like that song. You know that song that I'm 318 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,079 talking about. It's like called break even by 319 00:17:20,079 --> 00:17:23,040 the script and it's like pray to God that I don't believe in. 320 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:27,520 I loved that song until I got to this side of Christ, right? 321 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:31,240 And like, I used to sing it, but I never really, you know, I had 322 00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,520 to guess it just never clicked to me what I was saying. 323 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,400 And then all of a sudden it came on the radio like maybe a few 324 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:39,560 months back and I said I was so upset. 325 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:42,080 And then when you just said that, I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm 326 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,120 like, that song is so just whatever. 327 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:47,400 Anyway, back to you. Yeah, So that's when you were 328 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,960 just praying, just crying out to just anything at that point, 329 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,240 because you don't even know what you're really crying out to or 330 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:58,480 who you're crying out to. So when does your spiritual 331 00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:03,520 faith start? With Satan and all of that? 332 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:06,520 So that mostly started with my Matthew. 333 00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:10,840 So I had always, like I said so since I was a little girl, I 334 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,000 always had what I felt like was a presence, right? 335 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,760 And I ripped this off from from Dexter dark passenger and I 336 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:19,760 would wear that. I could see when people had dark 337 00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:24,120 passengers and I, I started trying to communicate with the 338 00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:26,520 spirit that why I felt like was always with me. 339 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:32,560 And, and so I was just always really open to the darkness and 340 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:36,360 playing with Ouija boards, tarot cards, pendulums, and just 341 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:40,520 really trying to communicate and, and something was talking 342 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:45,480 back, you know, And so that all started in my early 20s, but 343 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:50,560 really got deep and dark in my mid to late 20s when I started 344 00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:56,040 using math about 26 or 27. And that's when, you know, I 345 00:18:56,040 --> 00:18:59,640 used to sit with his friend and we would conjure demons and, you 346 00:18:59,640 --> 00:19:04,960 know, it was just really dark. And I, I didn't believe in God 347 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:10,040 and I, but I knew Satan was real and I had this script as to why 348 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,520 like Satan wasn't that bad of a guy, right? 349 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,840 And like I did and I truly believe this and I was so 350 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,640 delusional. I thought that when I died, I 351 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:21,800 would be Satan's wife and hell wouldn't be that bad and just 352 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:26,640 all these crazy things. And, but I never believed in God 353 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,240 because I had experienced the darkness. 354 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,480 I knew the darkness was real. I had considered it my friend 355 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:34,760 and. But I had never experienced God. 356 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:40,920 And so, yeah, I just really opened myself up to all of that. 357 00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:44,840 And I got the satanic cross tattooed on my ring finger 358 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:48,200 because I was Lucifer's wife. I named my demon and. 359 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:52,480 And I thought it was funny, you know, when people would come and 360 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:56,680 hang out with me. I would be like, hey, go see 361 00:19:56,680 --> 00:19:59,200 friend do something cool and something would go flying off of 362 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,240 the shelves or something. You know, it just really crazy. 363 00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,880 And my sister hated coming to my house because it was dark and 364 00:20:05,880 --> 00:20:09,240 haunted. And so, yeah, it was just really 365 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,880 dark. There's, there's things that, 366 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:16,800 you know, I've, I've done and said that are despicable, you 367 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,920 know, and I just believe it was that darkness that lived in me. 368 00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:22,840 Yeah. And so now that you are on this 369 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:27,560 side of Christ and like you're you, I feel like you probably 370 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:31,080 just have such a better understanding of the spiritual 371 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,280 realm. Maybe like of just like 372 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,880 lightness, light and dark are constantly at war. 373 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:40,120 Like we always talk about spiritual warfare. 374 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:44,280 And like for me, like I haven't necessarily ever, you know, 375 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:47,560 indulged or I don't really know how to say this, but you know, 376 00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:50,560 participated in any of that. But like for you, like, you 377 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:54,760 know, the power of the darkness and how it is real, cause so 378 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:59,360 many people, they're like, it's not, you know, like, yeah, Satan 379 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:02,480 is whatever. Like he, yeah, he's real, but he 380 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,440 doesn't have power. He doesn't have authority. 381 00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,320 Like, and we know that he does rule this Earth. 382 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:11,440 Like this is what he does. And so during this time, what 383 00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:14,680 does life look like for you? Like, is it absolutely. 384 00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:18,000 I know you're on meth. So take, you know, that's, 385 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:22,040 that's something. But like, is it just an absolute 386 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:26,440 hell on earth for you? At first it was fun because I 387 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:27,360 enjoyed it. Yeah. 388 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,560 And. And you always wanted attention. 389 00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:31,600 I did. And so now this is bringing 390 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,480 attention. To you, Yeah. 391 00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:34,760 Just different. Yeah. 392 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:37,280 Not the good guy. I enjoyed it, yeah. 393 00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,640 Any attention was good attention. 394 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:43,160 Yeah, but but yeah, so at first it was fun. 395 00:21:43,160 --> 00:21:46,800 I was really good at drawing and painting like out of nowhere. 396 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:49,600 And so that's what I spent all my time doing, was getting high 397 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,840 and hanging out with just like a particular core group of people. 398 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:56,080 But I spent most of the my time in my house because I was too 399 00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:57,280 scared to leave. And. 400 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,800 And when I say my house, I mean somebody else's house that I was 401 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:04,680 staying. So and at the time, my best 402 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:07,000 friend, he was the biggest drug dealer in Warner Robins. 403 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,840 And that was super convenient. And that's how I got the place 404 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:12,720 to live because he was always with me. 405 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,640 So they were like, well, I want to be near that. 406 00:22:15,040 --> 00:22:19,720 And so I was groovy for a little while and, and like I said, I 407 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:22,280 enjoyed the darkness. And so I thought it was funny. 408 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:25,600 I thought it would, I thought it was funny when I would 409 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:32,920 hallucinate and see things. I just, I thought it was a good 410 00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:36,360 time. And then in 2019, everything 411 00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:40,320 just kind of came crashing down. The guy that I spent all of my 412 00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:44,680 time with, he gets shot on Valentine's Day and that was 413 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:48,720 very devastating to me. And he lived but and he went to 414 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,040 prison. But it was just like I just 415 00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:55,760 started understanding and seeing that nobody actually cared and I 416 00:22:56,240 --> 00:23:01,320 just broke me. And right after that, the best 417 00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:04,080 friend that I told you about, he gets arrested and I did 418 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,800 something crazy. And after I did that, everything 419 00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:15,000 turned on me and he was so angry with me and, and I just lost 420 00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:19,960 everything and I lost the place to live. 421 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,320 I had no clothes, I didn't even have any shoes. 422 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,000 I didn't even know where to get any drugs. 423 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,760 And I hated myself. I just wanted to die. 424 00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:30,560 And every time I thought about killing myself, it was like I 425 00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,800 was hearing this voice, like, just do it, just kill yourself. 426 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,640 And but every time I thought about it, I was like, well, what 427 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:38,440 if I'm wrong? Oh, what if God's real? 428 00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:45,280 And so I just remember like breaking into that house that I 429 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,440 wasn't supposed to be that I got kicked out of and I would just 430 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:50,680 go there and be alone. And, and I just started for the 431 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:54,680 first time, like really feeling the presence of the darkness and 432 00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:57,320 it scared me. And so I remember sitting in 433 00:23:57,320 --> 00:24:02,400 that house that night and actually being afraid of what I 434 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,720 consider my friend my entire life. 435 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:08,640 And I started really contemplating what is the point 436 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:11,840 of all of this? Like what is morality? 437 00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:17,840 What is my purpose? Is this just it forever? 438 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:22,720 And obviously nobody cared about each other. 439 00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:24,480 We're just all, it was like what? 440 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:25,960 We're all just stealing from each other. 441 00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:28,120 I just hated it. Everybody was lying all the 442 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:29,680 time. And I wanted to know the truth. 443 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:31,720 I wanted somebody to tell me the truth. 444 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:37,800 And right after that and April 6th of 2019, I signed the 445 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:41,440 adoption papers to my daughter. And that was really my final 446 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:45,200 straw. And so I had a plan. 447 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:50,520 I was going to kill myself and through it's a long story so I 448 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:53,840 won't tell it, but it was only the Lord intervening. 449 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:58,280 I found myself somewhere safe, which was jail and. 450 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,800 And sometimes that's what it takes, yeah. 451 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:04,120 Well, it's like it was funny. I actually turned myself in. 452 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,680 I was like planning, I'll do all this crazy stuff and all the 453 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:08,200 sudden I just got this overwhelming. 454 00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:11,600 Like I am so tired. I just want to go to bed and I 455 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,960 want to eat. And so I turned myself into 456 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:16,560 jail, but I had a lot of drugs with me. 457 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:18,880 So Long story short, I ended up in solitary. 458 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,080 So for 28 days I was in solitary. 459 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:27,480 And it was at this time that I had a lot of sober time to 460 00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:31,120 consider. I Probably the longest cyber 461 00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:33,400 time you've ever had ever. Yeah. 462 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:35,880 Yeah. Because even at the Phoenix 463 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:37,960 Center, they're giving you Seroquel. 464 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:42,920 And, you know, so as I was sitting in there, the craziest 465 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,360 thing happened. Well, first of all, you know, 466 00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:47,320 they have that little call box in jail and you can talk to the 467 00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:49,560 guard. And so I'm wearing it out. 468 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,680 I'm like, hey, I need to talk to the guy who put me in here. 469 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:55,720 I need to go to Med medical. I need to go somewhere. 470 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:58,120 I got stuff I want to do while I'm here. 471 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:00,760 I was like, I need to get out of this room. 472 00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:05,400 And so finally she came and she sat next to me and she said, 473 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:08,600 Varelli, you need to accept your limitations. 474 00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:15,080 I hurt my feelings and but she spoke so bluntly and it was just 475 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,000 so true that I knew she was right. 476 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,400 Like there was literally nothing that I could do. 477 00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:22,560 And you've been wanting truth and so here's someone that's 478 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,920 truth. You're AD y'all know I like 479 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:26,640 personalities. You're very direct. 480 00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:28,240 You like people to be direct to you. 481 00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:29,920 So you were like hang on, wait a minute. 482 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:31,720 You're right. Yeah. 483 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,320 And so she would come and visit every now and then, which I 484 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:37,720 really appreciated. And out of nowhere, and I 485 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:41,760 believe this is truly the Lord, I recognized her. 486 00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:44,640 And I was like, hey, do you have a twin brother? 487 00:26:44,840 --> 00:26:46,760 And she's like, yeah. And I said, did you used to go 488 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:49,240 to Second Baptist? Were you in the youth group? 489 00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:52,280 She was like, yeah. And then she remembered me. 490 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:55,960 And I was like, that's crazy. So now I'm like, for the first 491 00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:58,840 time, like God is on my mind. I'm like, well, that's weird, 492 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:02,640 right? And so Fast forward a couple of 493 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:08,440 days and there's a church call. And so and I was always very 494 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:10,400 vocal about how much I hated Jesus. 495 00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:13,400 And you know, what's that Invisible Man going to do for 496 00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,440 me? But I've been in the cell for a 497 00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,000 lot of days now. How good. 498 00:27:18,360 --> 00:27:21,040 So I started pressing the button again. 499 00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:24,920 And so when you're on disciplinary, they're not 500 00:27:24,920 --> 00:27:27,680 supposed to let you out. But the solitary in Hassan 501 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:31,240 County is like, either you're crazy or you're on disciplinary. 502 00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:33,360 And so I was like, no, I'm just crazy. 503 00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:35,520 I'll be on my best behavior. Please let me go to church. 504 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:36,880 I'm trying to see what y'all do there. 505 00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:40,120 And she was like, OK, so to my amazement, the first set of 506 00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:42,920 doors open and then the second set of doors open and I have 507 00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:45,600 ulterior motives, right? I'm coursing with electricity. 508 00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,840 I'm thinking about all these ramen packs that everybody owes 509 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:51,720 me because I've been in solitary and and I'm thinking about who's 510 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:55,600 got meds. And so I get there and I'm 511 00:27:55,600 --> 00:28:00,880 scheming and these ladies come in, these little old ladies, and 512 00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:02,240 in my memory they have a tambourine. 513 00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:06,480 That's probably not true, but they're with our tambourine and 514 00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:09,120 they're singing this song. And it was called Lord Break 515 00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:12,680 These Chains. And I began to weep, and I 516 00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:15,400 didn't know why I was crying, but I could not stop. 517 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:20,200 And so this woman, she gives me a hug and she told me she loves 518 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:22,200 me. And she said one day I'll thank 519 00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:24,640 God every day that I'm alive. And I said every day. 520 00:28:25,320 --> 00:28:27,440 She said, every day. I was like, all right. 521 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:30,560 And so I went back to my cell that night with a jumpsuit full 522 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:35,480 of ramen. And I was curious. 523 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,960 I was like, what was that? You know, I had never 524 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:42,920 experienced that kind of uncontrollable power before. 525 00:28:43,360 --> 00:28:50,280 And so in solitary, you can't have no pen, no paper, no books, 526 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:51,720 no snacks. That's why the snacks were so 527 00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:55,760 important. No phone calls, nothing. 528 00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:58,480 It's just you and yourself. And I hated myself. 529 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:02,440 So you can't have a Bible though, because they can't stop 530 00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:05,640 you from religion. So I remembered all the times 531 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:09,080 growing up that I would read stories and it would make me 532 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:10,960 sleepy. And so I was like, Oh well, 533 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,240 maybe I can get a Bible and I can read and it'll make me 534 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:14,920 tired. And so I did. 535 00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:16,920 And I didn't know where to start. 536 00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:20,200 So I started in the beginning, and there was a lot of names and 537 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:23,760 a lot, a lot going on. And I was like, this is 538 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:27,600 confusing. And but one of my lifelong 539 00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:30,920 questions was why were there so many different languages? 540 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:32,440 I would get like tripped out on acid. 541 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,200 I'd be like, whoa, you know, we just started moving our mouths 542 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:37,240 and like, pointing to naming things like, how did this 543 00:29:37,240 --> 00:29:40,040 happen? And then I read about the Tower 544 00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:42,920 of Babel. And I was like, huh, Mm, hmm, 545 00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:47,400 well, it's right there. And for some reason I believed 546 00:29:47,400 --> 00:29:50,920 what it said. And I thought, I wonder what 547 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:52,400 else is in here that I didn't know. 548 00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:56,600 And that was the only scripture that really spoke to me in jail. 549 00:29:56,600 --> 00:30:02,160 But I went when I went into jail, I went from no way, God's 550 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:05,360 not real. And if he is, he hates me to 551 00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:12,200 what if, what if I'm wrong? And another realization I had 552 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:15,400 while I was in jail was that my life was a sum total of every 553 00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:17,640 single decision I'd ever made. I was not a victim. 554 00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:19,800 My parents were not keeping my daughter from me. 555 00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:21,160 They were protecting her from me. 556 00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:24,880 Nobody was punishing me. I'd never been falsely 557 00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:27,960 imprisoned. You know, this was my fault. 558 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:30,200 I wasn't homeless because everybody's out to get me. 559 00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:33,240 Like, there's probably a reason nobody wants to be around me. 560 00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:36,080 You know, there's one common denominator and it's me. 561 00:30:37,120 --> 00:30:39,720 I'm the problem. And I had never realized that 562 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:42,080 before. And, and I just believe this is 563 00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,480 the beginning of the Lord working on me and drawing me. 564 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:50,400 And so at that point, I also started remembering my daughter 565 00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:54,480 and when she was a little baby and how soft her cheeks were and 566 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,000 just all these little memories. And all of a sudden I realized 567 00:30:57,000 --> 00:31:00,880 she's not a baby anymore and she probably really missed me too. 568 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:03,400 And I had never allowed myself to think that before. 569 00:31:04,120 --> 00:31:08,440 And so when I left jail, I knew that I wanted help and I knew 570 00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:10,520 that I wanted it to be long term help. 571 00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:14,080 And for the first time, I was open to it being Christian. 572 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:17,200 Wow. Because you went to these like 573 00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:22,320 detox places and never had the intentions of really staying 574 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:24,360 clean. Like you were content with life. 575 00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:27,000 You didn't care, like whatever. But now you're open. 576 00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:31,800 You're ready to not surrender your life, but you're ready to 577 00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:34,040 have a better life. You're ready for more. 578 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:36,440 And so how do you end up at the Potter's house? 579 00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:40,680 Well. My probation officer, I ended up 580 00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:42,880 spilling beans. I was just like, listen lady, I 581 00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:44,240 need help. I'm in a bad way. 582 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:46,920 I've been this way a long time. I need long term help to mandate 583 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:49,560 me. And she was like, Virelli, 584 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:50,680 you're getting out of jail today. 585 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:52,840 You're getting time served. I'm about to sign your 586 00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:54,800 paperwork. If you really want help, you'll 587 00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:59,200 come to my office anyways. And so I got out that night and 588 00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:04,040 I did not go straight to her office, but I did a couple of 589 00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:06,360 weeks later. And she was very surprised to 590 00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:08,400 see me. But that morning she told me 591 00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:11,120 about the Potter's house. And, you know, my mom actually 592 00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:14,840 took me to her office and my dad looked them up and he said if 593 00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:19,080 she'll go, I'll pay for it. It was a very minimal fee if you 594 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:24,200 can afford it. And, and so, yeah, it was a a 595 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:27,440 long emotional drive, but, and it took a little while and they 596 00:32:27,440 --> 00:32:32,320 told me on the phone, they told me that it was a discipleship 597 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:34,440 program, but I didn't know what the word meant. 598 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:36,720 Yeah. So probably best probably. 599 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:39,200 But she was, I was like, yeah, sure, I'm fine with that. 600 00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:44,320 And she was like, OK, well she said I interview and I was like, 601 00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:46,640 okay, so. Did the same thing run through 602 00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:50,480 your mind like with because my mom said that like how bad do I 603 00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:52,920 have to be? Well, how do you interview to 604 00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:55,200 come to a rehab? But it's a discipleship. 605 00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:57,960 But how bad does it have to be? That's why I thought I was, but 606 00:32:57,960 --> 00:32:59,400 I. Know when they when you started 607 00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:03,000 talking, they said girl. We've been a circle around you. 608 00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:05,000 Yeah. I was like, how do you interview 609 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,160 to be a drug addict? So I stayed up for five days and 610 00:33:08,160 --> 00:33:10,680 then I did a huge shot that morning was at this point, I was 611 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:16,920 an IV user of methamphetamine. And so, yeah, I, my mom comes 612 00:33:16,920 --> 00:33:18,920 and picks me up. She's probably just as shocked 613 00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:21,280 as I am that I opened the door and. 614 00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:25,440 But I was really serious. This was the first time that I 615 00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:27,640 desperately wanted to be different. 616 00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:30,320 And so I wept the whole way there. 617 00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:32,320 And my mom's freaking out. She's like, she's about to jump 618 00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:34,800 out of the car. And I was like, no, I'm just 619 00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:38,160 really ready. Like, I feel like it's finally 620 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:39,360 over. Wow. 621 00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:43,920 And I told her, you know, out of all the addictions that I had, 622 00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:47,120 that last roundabout with the meth was the worst. 623 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:53,960 And so we get to the Potter's house and all these ladies are 624 00:33:53,960 --> 00:33:56,880 dressed up with their hair and their makeup, and they're 625 00:33:56,880 --> 00:34:00,160 freaking me out, man. And I'm there looking like a 626 00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:04,120 skater boy, and I just, like, chopped off all my hair in a 627 00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:06,200 manic episode. And I'm freaked out. 628 00:34:06,200 --> 00:34:08,560 I've been up for five days and they're looking at me and I'm 629 00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:10,600 looking at them and they're smiling and nodding. 630 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:13,840 And I'm like Stepford nuns. It's freaky. 631 00:34:13,840 --> 00:34:15,920 Yeah. What what do y'all got going on 632 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:17,199 here? Yeah. 633 00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:18,960 Yeah. Because I mean that for 634 00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:23,400 mysteries groups, intense it is. And so for you to be 5 days 635 00:34:23,400 --> 00:34:28,960 awake, withdrawing too literally just out of it, I mean, it's a 636 00:34:28,960 --> 00:34:31,040 lot to take in right off the RIP. 637 00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:36,120 So do you go in automatically telling them about like your 638 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:40,600 religion does that really? Is that a religion or like, OK, 639 00:34:40,679 --> 00:34:41,880 what? How do you say that? 640 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:43,440 Like what? What do you say? 641 00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:46,120 I just say that I was psycho, OK? 642 00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:50,320 Like do you tell them right off the RIP though that this OK? 643 00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:53,480 Not right off the RIP. So the first thing that happened 644 00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:55,159 when I walked in, I was very quiet. 645 00:34:55,159 --> 00:34:59,360 Actually, I was very taken aback by what I was witnessing. 646 00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:03,120 I was very high and I also forgot my cigarettes. 647 00:35:03,120 --> 00:35:04,640 And when Romans, that was a bummer. 648 00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:07,120 So I was also kind of ticked off. 649 00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:10,120 But they're coaching me. They're showing me the house. 650 00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:12,280 They're like, make eye contact, don't get up and go to the 651 00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:14,800 bathroom, don't fall asleep, don't do this, do that. 652 00:35:15,080 --> 00:35:19,920 And so I was like, this is a cult, Like, clearly this is a 653 00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:24,360 mistake. And so she started talking and I 654 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:26,360 fell asleep. I whispered to my mom, don't 655 00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:28,680 drink the kool-aid. And I passed out on her shoulder 656 00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:31,920 and but the whole time I was like just trying to Lisa's dog 657 00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:33,040 was there. So I was like, just look at the 658 00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:35,600 dog, just like the dog and. Now what? 659 00:35:35,600 --> 00:35:37,080 When, what? When was this? 660 00:35:37,240 --> 00:35:41,360 This was July 1st of 2019. OK, so 29 So mom was there. 661 00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:45,000 Yeah, she went bar 2019. Yep. 662 00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:48,040 So she was there. OK, All right, so you make it 663 00:35:48,040 --> 00:35:50,000 through. I guess they accept you. 664 00:35:50,360 --> 00:35:54,520 Yeah, so they at first were like, you're a goner. 665 00:35:54,720 --> 00:36:00,240 And we went into the interview room and I sat there and I told 666 00:36:00,240 --> 00:36:02,880 them all of the events that have transpired up until that moment. 667 00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:06,080 And I sat there like a little girl like this, just crying. 668 00:36:06,440 --> 00:36:09,200 And they asked me if I believed in God. 669 00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:11,640 I told them no. I didn't tell them that I 670 00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:17,080 believed in Satan or anything like that, but I told them that 671 00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:20,320 my soul was tired. And I meant it like deeply. 672 00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:21,880 Nobody could be more tired than me. 673 00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:23,720 And I thought it was a lyrical genius for that. 674 00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:25,440 Nobody could be more tired than me. 675 00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:30,360 I was devastated in life and they cried with me and they 676 00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:34,920 accepted me and and then that's where it got really crazy. 677 00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:37,560 So going into it. Yeah. 678 00:36:37,960 --> 00:36:42,240 So it started with like just seeing little scriptures, like 679 00:36:42,240 --> 00:36:44,720 come to me, you who are weary and I'll give your soul rest. 680 00:36:44,720 --> 00:36:48,040 And I was like, huh, That's where I just said, yeah. 681 00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:50,120 And and then I saw another scripture. 682 00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:52,880 I don't have it memorized, but it's I said, it's God that gives 683 00:36:52,880 --> 00:36:54,800 your soul rest. And I was like, huh. 684 00:36:55,760 --> 00:37:01,080 And so there was a moment where I made a comment and it was 685 00:37:01,080 --> 00:37:03,520 basically against the church or something, I don't remember. 686 00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:08,000 It was some weird demonic comment and and it was speaking 687 00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:11,840 against God and pro darkness, I guess. 688 00:37:11,840 --> 00:37:15,320 And I don't remember exactly what it was, but they kicked me 689 00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:17,400 out. Oh wow, now I didn't know this. 690 00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:20,320 Yeah, I know this. So this was like maybe a week or 691 00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:24,960 two in and that's when I realized Mandy Watts was there 692 00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:26,840 then. And she told me, you better go 693 00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:29,280 pray. And so I went to the prayer room 694 00:37:29,280 --> 00:37:31,680 and I was like, all right, dude, I don't know if you're real or 695 00:37:31,680 --> 00:37:35,600 if you're listening, but I'm going to die if I leave here. 696 00:37:35,600 --> 00:37:37,640 Like this is it? I don't know what to do. 697 00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:41,280 And and so for the first time, I cried out to God. 698 00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:46,240 And for the first time, I felt overwhelming peace. 699 00:37:46,600 --> 00:37:49,520 And so after I prayed, I just went and sat out on the back 700 00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:50,880 porch. I was like, well, that's it. 701 00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:52,800 Like either they're going to send me out or not. 702 00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:54,880 And so she called me back upstairs. 703 00:37:54,880 --> 00:37:56,400 She said, well, what did you come up with? 704 00:37:56,400 --> 00:38:01,280 I said, well, I'm going to die out there, but it's just what it 705 00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:02,880 is now. And she was like, well, no, 706 00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:05,880 defend yourself. And I said no, because I said 707 00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:09,040 what you think I said. It wasn't out of context. 708 00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:11,160 That's what I said. I'm a liar. 709 00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:13,000 I'm a deceiver. If I think I can get away with 710 00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:17,240 it, I'm going to try. And and then I wept bitterly 711 00:38:17,240 --> 00:38:20,320 after that. And in that moment the Lord 712 00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:22,880 spoke to Mandy and told her not to give up on me. 713 00:38:24,800 --> 00:38:27,760 And so it was still a rough Rd. after that. 714 00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:34,320 I was mean, I was not like those other girls and they did not 715 00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:41,160 like me and I didn't like them. And I wanted to try though. 716 00:38:41,240 --> 00:38:43,960 Yeah, you know I it. Didn't matter about what was 717 00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:46,640 going on, like you just wanted something different. 718 00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:49,000 Yeah, and and every time somebody told me something about 719 00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:52,520 myself, I really would take it back to Lord after I came to 720 00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:54,760 faith and I saw that they were right. 721 00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:59,960 And so it started with they started telling me that my 722 00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:03,800 addiction was sin. And I was very taken aback by 723 00:39:03,800 --> 00:39:05,120 that word. I was like, what do you mean 724 00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:07,320 sin? Like not sinister, like a scary 725 00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:08,840 movie. What do you mean what is? 726 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:10,920 That always going to relate. Always. 727 00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:13,680 Girl, this is what I know. Y'all ain't talking about what I 728 00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:15,080 know OK, what y'all talking about? 729 00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:20,600 So they were telling me that my addiction was sin and they were 730 00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:23,680 offering me a solution for this sin, and it was Jesus and him 731 00:39:23,680 --> 00:39:27,880 crucified. And I thought, I don't get it, 732 00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:30,640 but I was interested. They were preaching A relational 733 00:39:30,640 --> 00:39:35,240 God, that God would speak to me. And I'd never heard that before. 734 00:39:36,160 --> 00:39:40,280 As far as I knew, God was just a control freak puppet master, you 735 00:39:40,280 --> 00:39:45,880 know, and just always trying to be good. 736 00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:49,280 And you like, I knew that I couldn't be good and but this 737 00:39:49,280 --> 00:39:52,440 was the first time that I was hearing the gospel and hearing 738 00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:56,040 that God would speak to me. And if that was true, I wanted 739 00:39:56,040 --> 00:39:58,440 to know. And so I found a scripture. 740 00:39:58,440 --> 00:40:02,960 It was Jeremiah 2913. It says if you seek me, when you 741 00:40:02,960 --> 00:40:05,120 seek me wholeheartedly, I will be found by you. 742 00:40:05,720 --> 00:40:07,960 And I found another scripture that said that God wasn't a 743 00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:09,640 liar. So I was like, OK dude. 744 00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:12,840 It says right here that if I look for you wholeheartedly that 745 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:14,480 I'll find you. I don't know what that means. 746 00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:17,000 And I'm going to try because it says you're not a liar. 747 00:40:17,240 --> 00:40:20,240 And so I'm expecting that you'll prove it. 748 00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:26,280 And then I went to bed and but every day I woke up and, and I 749 00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:29,720 prayed and I sought the Lord and I asked him questions about 750 00:40:29,720 --> 00:40:32,400 himself and, and I wanted to know if God was real. 751 00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:36,520 And eventually God revealed himself to me. 752 00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:39,560 I don't have the time frame of that, but but it happened. 753 00:40:39,560 --> 00:40:43,160 And then I had a questions about Jesus because, you know, all 754 00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:45,640 those Jews spent their entire lives looking for him and I'm 755 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:49,320 coming off of a lot of drugs and I'm just like stumbled upon him. 756 00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:51,520 You know what I mean? It wasn't wasn't clocking for 757 00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:54,680 me. And so I wanted to know, is 758 00:40:54,680 --> 00:40:57,640 Jesus really the Messiah? And when I say there's a 759 00:40:57,640 --> 00:41:01,200 scripture in Psalm one O 7 and it talks about how God sent his 760 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:05,520 word and it healed them. And that's truly what happened. 761 00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:08,800 God's word is powerful, it's alive and it's active. 762 00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:12,680 And it spoke to me and I wanted to know if Jesus was real. 763 00:41:12,680 --> 00:41:15,720 So I simply asked God, how do I know that he's the way, the 764 00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:18,040 truth and life? I read the book of Hebrews with 765 00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:20,800 such clarity that I know it was just the Holy Spirit working out 766 00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:23,880 life. I understood like I could just 767 00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:27,960 see it all in my mind. Understood clearly why we had to 768 00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:31,640 do the Old Testament, the sacrifice, and how Jesus was now 769 00:41:31,640 --> 00:41:33,680 the spotless lamb. And I didn't know what a high 770 00:41:33,680 --> 00:41:35,720 priest was, but I understood why we needed one. 771 00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:39,280 And the Lord just helped me understand it. 772 00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:45,600 And so I had repeated a prayer a couple of times at this point. 773 00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:49,040 I know that God is real. I know that Jesus is the 774 00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:54,920 Messiah, but I'm still considering what does that look 775 00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:57,480 like for me, Right. And there's a question a lot of 776 00:41:57,480 --> 00:42:01,920 people ask like or say that I'm not willing to give up such and 777 00:42:01,920 --> 00:42:03,720 such. That's kind of where I was at. 778 00:42:03,720 --> 00:42:06,040 Or am I willing to give up such and such? 779 00:42:06,600 --> 00:42:10,640 But the truth is, after salvation, like once truly 780 00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:13,840 understanding the gospel and receiving the Lord, you don't 781 00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:16,080 have to give it up because he changes your heart's desire. 782 00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:17,680 And come on. Yeah, So. 783 00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:21,360 But I didn't know that then. And so, and for me, it really 784 00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:23,840 was this battle between light and dark. 785 00:42:24,400 --> 00:42:27,680 And I typically don't tell this part of my testimony, but I'm 786 00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:29,120 comfortable with it. Your mom was there. 787 00:42:29,680 --> 00:42:32,760 So. So it actually started with your 788 00:42:32,760 --> 00:42:39,200 mom and I, I'd repeated a prayer like I said, but I would repeat 789 00:42:39,200 --> 00:42:42,640 that prayer every Sunday. Like I just wanted to be saved. 790 00:42:42,640 --> 00:42:46,080 But there's something off like I just didn't believe that it had 791 00:42:46,080 --> 00:42:50,200 happened. And I overheard your mom say to 792 00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:53,720 someone, if you want to know if you're truly see saved, read the 793 00:42:53,720 --> 00:42:56,480 book of First John. So that's what I did that night. 794 00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:59,960 I went and I read the book of First John and the scripture 795 00:42:59,960 --> 00:43:03,080 that stood out to me was First John 1/5 through 7. 796 00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:05,680 And it says this is the message we have heard from him and 797 00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:08,320 proclaimed to you that God is light in him. 798 00:43:08,320 --> 00:43:11,440 We have no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship 799 00:43:11,440 --> 00:43:14,640 with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not 800 00:43:14,640 --> 00:43:17,440 practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as 801 00:43:17,440 --> 00:43:20,280 he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another. 802 00:43:20,280 --> 00:43:23,400 And the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. 803 00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:28,040 And I knew that I was not truly saved. 804 00:43:28,560 --> 00:43:34,520 And so one night we have the prayer group on Sundays and they 805 00:43:34,520 --> 00:43:38,120 read this this prayer. And I don't go around rebuking 806 00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:39,600 spirits. I don't believe that I have to. 807 00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:43,360 But this particular night they were, it was a prayer to rebuke 808 00:43:43,360 --> 00:43:47,400 the deaf and dumb spirit. And I got so angry and I was 809 00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:50,760 getting super uncomfy and just mad. 810 00:43:51,160 --> 00:43:53,760 And so at the end of it, I just exploded. 811 00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:56,760 And I was like, this is really great for you all and this is 812 00:43:56,760 --> 00:44:00,360 not for me. And so Mandy jumps up and she 813 00:44:00,360 --> 00:44:03,240 yells at me, which takes me aback and I shut up. 814 00:44:03,680 --> 00:44:07,280 And she said stop it. It's time for you to choose. 815 00:44:07,640 --> 00:44:10,840 What do you have to lose? And she took my hand and that's 816 00:44:10,840 --> 00:44:13,240 when I was in the middle of the floor. 817 00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:17,360 And like, I truly recognized my sin against the holy God. 818 00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:22,680 I asked God to forgive me for terrible, deep and dark thoughts 819 00:44:22,680 --> 00:44:24,360 that I had never confessed to anybody. 820 00:44:24,680 --> 00:44:26,880 I asked God to forgive me for selling my body. 821 00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:29,680 I asked God to forgive me for worshipping Satan, for naming my 822 00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:34,000 demon, for branding myself with the markings because I had all 823 00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:35,360 satanic tattoos. And. 824 00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:39,200 And I just screamed out and cried and asked God to forgive 825 00:44:39,200 --> 00:44:41,520 me. And it was in that moment that I 826 00:44:41,520 --> 00:44:44,440 felt God removed my darkness from me and fill me with his 827 00:44:44,440 --> 00:44:45,680 Holy Spirit. Amen. 828 00:44:46,320 --> 00:44:48,760 I had come to know and understand that God was the 829 00:44:48,760 --> 00:44:50,480 supreme supernatural. Yep. 830 00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:52,440 That's good, girl. Yeah. 831 00:44:53,840 --> 00:44:59,160 Just knowing that how though, like I've heard so many times 832 00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:02,160 about prayer nights, right where y'all are in the floor crying 833 00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:04,320 out, you know, confessing all of this. 834 00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:07,880 And just in that confession is when you're filled with the Holy 835 00:45:07,880 --> 00:45:09,720 Spirit. Like it was like there was a 836 00:45:09,720 --> 00:45:12,440 wall that you just kept running into, running into, running 837 00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:15,440 into, but until you confessed all of that. 838 00:45:15,440 --> 00:45:19,440 And that's when he became Lord. That's when he became Lord. 839 00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:23,520 And so life started coming up for you, girl. 840 00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:27,920 It was on the uphill climb. So tell us a little bit about 841 00:45:27,920 --> 00:45:30,760 After Salvation. So after salvation, that's when, 842 00:45:30,760 --> 00:45:32,240 you know, things really started to change. 843 00:45:32,240 --> 00:45:34,640 Like I said, things got brought to me all the time. 844 00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:38,960 I was mean and and I was still very hateful and I still hated 845 00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:40,560 myself. I was gaining all this weight. 846 00:45:40,560 --> 00:45:44,200 They gave me that haircut, but that haircut was of the Lord 847 00:45:44,200 --> 00:45:46,360 because every time I thought about leaving, I was like, no, I 848 00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:47,840 can't let nobody in the streets see me like. 849 00:45:47,840 --> 00:45:49,760 This. They could never see me like 850 00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:52,240 this. No, I was full blown Deborah. 851 00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:57,240 I was not Debbie anymore. Yeah, so, but it was rough. 852 00:45:57,760 --> 00:46:00,400 But every time something got brought to me, I, I did, I 853 00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:02,840 brought it back to the Lord and I saw that it was true. 854 00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:04,840 And I didn't want to be that way. 855 00:46:04,840 --> 00:46:08,960 And so I just had a lot of working out to do. 856 00:46:09,320 --> 00:46:12,480 And. And so it was still a rough go. 857 00:46:12,600 --> 00:46:14,840 And I got kicked out the day before I graduated. 858 00:46:14,840 --> 00:46:15,880 Oh. I didn't like. 859 00:46:15,880 --> 00:46:18,720 This loaded again and so then I had to stay an extra month. 860 00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:22,200 So I did not know you were supposed to be sent home this 861 00:46:22,200 --> 00:46:24,560 many times, girl. Now I remember one time I had to 862 00:46:24,560 --> 00:46:26,240 bring you home. I don't know. 863 00:46:26,240 --> 00:46:28,320 I don't like that's how I knew where your parents lived. 864 00:46:28,400 --> 00:46:29,960 Oh yeah, The other day when we were talking about it. 865 00:46:29,960 --> 00:46:32,080 I like, I feel like I brought you home one weekend when I 866 00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:35,520 visited mom and you got to go on a trip or or visit pass and I 867 00:46:35,520 --> 00:46:36,760 got to bring you. But. 868 00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:38,560 Anyway, Oh, I do remember that, yeah. 869 00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:41,200 Yeah, I don't remember where, when, whatever. 870 00:46:41,560 --> 00:46:45,360 But, you know, even though these are hard things that are being 871 00:46:45,360 --> 00:46:49,680 brought to you, like they're basically telling you negative 872 00:46:49,680 --> 00:46:52,680 things about yourself and you're having to bring it back to the 873 00:46:52,680 --> 00:46:56,320 Lord and he's confirming like, hey, that's that sanctification 874 00:46:56,320 --> 00:46:58,320 process. Like you just said, you don't 875 00:46:58,320 --> 00:46:59,480 have to give up all these things. 876 00:46:59,480 --> 00:47:02,080 He's going to change you anyway. If you're fully surrendered and 877 00:47:02,080 --> 00:47:05,160 you're truly wholeheartedly seeking him, you're not going to 878 00:47:05,160 --> 00:47:07,160 want to live that life anymore. You're not going to want to do 879 00:47:07,160 --> 00:47:10,600 those things. And so after the Potter's house, 880 00:47:10,600 --> 00:47:12,840 tell us a little bit about what life look like then. 881 00:47:13,360 --> 00:47:15,760 So after the Potter's house, I knew that I couldn't go back 882 00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:18,080 where I came from. I did had no desire to come back 883 00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:21,040 to Warner Robins. I was not fooled into thinking 884 00:47:21,040 --> 00:47:23,720 that I would come here and be successful. 885 00:47:24,080 --> 00:47:26,720 I knew myself and good intentions and all. 886 00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:31,560 I was like all relapse. And so I prayed and the Lord 887 00:47:31,560 --> 00:47:34,280 sent me to it's called Amazing Grace. 888 00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:37,240 It's a ministry in Jonesboro. It's a transitional program. 889 00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:40,680 And so it's kind of like you learned how to be a part of a 890 00:47:40,680 --> 00:47:41,760 church. Everything you learn at the 891 00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:43,840 Potters House, you're now putting into action. 892 00:47:43,840 --> 00:47:46,520 And so I was so excited to be a part of the church. 893 00:47:46,520 --> 00:47:49,520 I was there for two weeks and then Covad came shut down the 894 00:47:49,520 --> 00:47:53,800 world. Facts So when you're there, is 895 00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:58,400 there just like temptation that's around you or you kind of 896 00:47:58,400 --> 00:48:01,040 just are feeling confident now and who you are? 897 00:48:01,200 --> 00:48:04,680 I know you probably still are like struggling with identity in 898 00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:08,280 some sense, like trying to learn how to love yourself and these 899 00:48:08,280 --> 00:48:09,840 types of things. But for the most part, do you 900 00:48:09,840 --> 00:48:12,680 feel like you have a good foundation laid? 901 00:48:13,280 --> 00:48:16,600 Yes, especially with my walk with the Lord, I at this point 902 00:48:16,600 --> 00:48:18,920 was not struggling with temptation to use anymore. 903 00:48:18,920 --> 00:48:21,880 I was pretty steadfast and I wanted to live my life for the 904 00:48:21,880 --> 00:48:25,080 Lord. But at this program is where I 905 00:48:25,080 --> 00:48:26,640 learned, you know, at the Potter's house, you're being 906 00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:30,160 spoon fed information every morning and where every day. 907 00:48:30,160 --> 00:48:32,560 And it wasn't like that. Yeah, here. 908 00:48:32,680 --> 00:48:36,480 And I had to learn how to read the word in context. 909 00:48:36,760 --> 00:48:41,160 I was inserting myself in the Bible a lot and I had to learn 910 00:48:41,160 --> 00:48:43,480 how to read the Bible properly. But my relationship with the 911 00:48:43,480 --> 00:48:49,000 Lord flourished because of this. And so just because I didn't 912 00:48:49,000 --> 00:48:51,760 learn really how to be a part of the church or do all that, I 913 00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:57,280 still blossomed in the Lord. And and, you know, it was a long 914 00:48:57,280 --> 00:49:01,840 journey of losing weight and feeling like, you know, the 915 00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:04,600 haircut was really hard for me for some reason. 916 00:49:04,920 --> 00:49:06,600 She brought up the haircut the other day. 917 00:49:06,600 --> 00:49:09,640 To y'all, this was very traumatic in her life. 918 00:49:10,320 --> 00:49:12,640 Trauma. Forget all the other stuff. 919 00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:13,960 It's the haircut. Yes. 920 00:49:14,640 --> 00:49:18,280 I actually finally made that joke in front of Miss Mystery 921 00:49:18,280 --> 00:49:19,200 too. Really. 922 00:49:19,280 --> 00:49:20,600 It was funny, yeah, but it was not. 923 00:49:20,600 --> 00:49:22,800 I was not allowed to talk about it there, so. 924 00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:28,680 But but yeah. And then I graduated there and I 925 00:49:28,680 --> 00:49:30,600 still had no desire to go back to Warner Robbins. 926 00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:34,400 I didn't feel like the Lord was leading me to go back to Warner 927 00:49:34,400 --> 00:49:38,200 Robbins. And so I went to Camp Anderson 928 00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:41,080 for a little while and it's, I think it's called Camp Real Life 929 00:49:41,080 --> 00:49:43,920 now. And, and I really enjoyed that. 930 00:49:44,720 --> 00:49:50,240 I worked a ridiculous amount of hours for very minimal pay and, 931 00:49:50,640 --> 00:49:53,760 and I loved it. And shortly after that, they 932 00:49:53,760 --> 00:49:57,600 asked me to come back and be the house mom at Amazing Grace Love. 933 00:49:57,800 --> 00:49:59,000 And I worked there for three years. 934 00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:03,080 So you're married now and tell us a little bit about how you 935 00:50:03,080 --> 00:50:06,160 meet your husband and what life looks like with him now. 936 00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:07,000 OK. Yeah. 937 00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:10,400 So Adam, he's in Grace. There's an Event Center. 938 00:50:10,400 --> 00:50:13,400 And sometimes the better way, boys, they come over there. 939 00:50:13,400 --> 00:50:17,080 Y'all know about them, boy? Yeah, and he was one of them 940 00:50:17,080 --> 00:50:20,320 boys. And so the leader of this Event 941 00:50:20,320 --> 00:50:24,240 Center is actually her nephew, and she is like, stay away from 942 00:50:24,240 --> 00:50:25,360 him. And I was like, you got to tell 943 00:50:25,360 --> 00:50:28,640 me twice because he's not looking very good right now. 944 00:50:28,640 --> 00:50:30,000 Yeah, I was. Yeah. 945 00:50:30,280 --> 00:50:33,880 No thanks. And yeah, So he helped me one 946 00:50:33,880 --> 00:50:35,120 day. I bossed him around, told him 947 00:50:35,120 --> 00:50:37,440 what to do. You know, he was cool as a 948 00:50:37,440 --> 00:50:40,120 person but never had any interest in him. 949 00:50:40,560 --> 00:50:44,000 And then a couple months later, he started attending One Way at 950 00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:47,120 Jonesboro. Still all right, Not interested, 951 00:50:47,320 --> 00:50:49,320 but we started developing a friendship after that. 952 00:50:49,320 --> 00:50:51,120 He started attending church there. 953 00:50:51,520 --> 00:50:56,520 And he was just kind of at more functions and and we developed a 954 00:50:56,520 --> 00:50:59,920 really solid friendship and still with no intentions on 955 00:50:59,920 --> 00:51:04,360 dating and and it just kind of progressed over time and we 956 00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:06,520 thought we might be open to trying. 957 00:51:06,920 --> 00:51:10,160 And I just put out some really large disclaimers in the 958 00:51:10,160 --> 00:51:12,800 beginning of like things I did or did not want that I would 959 00:51:12,800 --> 00:51:16,560 not, you know, sway on and and he was cool with all that. 960 00:51:16,560 --> 00:51:22,000 So we, we decided we went to our, our spiritual leadership at 961 00:51:22,000 --> 00:51:25,120 the time and, and they gave us permission. 962 00:51:25,120 --> 00:51:26,640 So we were doing because I was like, I don't know how to do 963 00:51:26,640 --> 00:51:29,080 this, so I have to ask someone. So I did, I don't know. 964 00:51:30,240 --> 00:51:32,520 But and they kept us really accountable for it. 965 00:51:32,520 --> 00:51:35,560 We were able to remain pure in our relationship until marriage. 966 00:51:36,120 --> 00:51:39,800 And he was right next door living next to the Amazing Grace 967 00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:41,560 House. There's a home called Shepherd's 968 00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:44,200 House for guys. So there's a first phase men's 969 00:51:44,200 --> 00:51:47,120 ministry now right next door to Amazing Grace. 970 00:51:47,520 --> 00:51:50,720 Yeah. And so he helped start that up 971 00:51:50,720 --> 00:51:56,760 and eventually he got up the nerve to ask me to marry him. 972 00:51:57,080 --> 00:52:00,720 How long did y'all die for? In total about a year and a 973 00:52:00,720 --> 00:52:03,800 half, maybe 2. So we had a it's. 974 00:52:04,000 --> 00:52:07,120 A long time to be pure too. Girl really had y'all was right 975 00:52:07,120 --> 00:52:10,080 with the Lord we. Had a lot of accountability with 976 00:52:10,080 --> 00:52:14,440 the ministries that we lived in. We were rarely ever alone. 977 00:52:14,440 --> 00:52:16,800 And then our leaders were like, OK, at some point you have to be 978 00:52:16,800 --> 00:52:19,920 alone or else you're just going to feel awkward forever, right? 979 00:52:19,920 --> 00:52:23,520 And so not to say that it wasn't hard, but it was. 980 00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:27,520 But. But yeah, we, we did it by the 981 00:52:27,520 --> 00:52:29,840 grace of God. That's awesome. 982 00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:35,480 Yeah. And so now, you know, marriage 983 00:52:35,480 --> 00:52:38,480 is an adjustment, right? So that was hard, especially 984 00:52:38,480 --> 00:52:42,440 with my strong personality. And I thought I was holy until I 985 00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:44,200 got married. And then I was like, am I even 986 00:52:44,200 --> 00:52:47,960 saved? But just having these crazy 987 00:52:47,960 --> 00:52:51,480 thoughts like you're like, what? Hang on, who am I? 988 00:52:51,640 --> 00:52:55,480 You know, yes, another kind of identity crisis because you're 989 00:52:55,480 --> 00:52:58,600 trying to figure things out being married. 990 00:52:58,920 --> 00:53:00,360 Yeah, and it's just so different. 991 00:53:00,600 --> 00:53:03,560 It was like in, you know, up until this point I had been a 992 00:53:03,560 --> 00:53:06,880 leader and people are following me and now all of a sudden. 993 00:53:06,880 --> 00:53:09,640 They're having to follow. And I'm taking a step back in 994 00:53:09,640 --> 00:53:13,520 almost every area of my life. You know, I'm changing jobs now 995 00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:19,400 following Alfred and just it was just a huge change for me. 996 00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:23,240 And then on top of that, you know, he felt called to go start 997 00:53:23,240 --> 00:53:25,360 this one way ministry at a new church. 998 00:53:25,360 --> 00:53:26,720 And I was like, I'm not doing that. 999 00:53:27,480 --> 00:53:30,360 And Long story short, I'm doing that now because that's what the 1000 00:53:30,360 --> 00:53:34,560 Lord told me to do. So yeah, it was just really hard 1001 00:53:34,560 --> 00:53:37,200 at 1st and then I. But the Lord has called us to 1002 00:53:37,200 --> 00:53:40,560 start a one way ministry. And now we got into that church 1003 00:53:40,560 --> 00:53:43,360 and somebody told us he gave us some really good advice. 1004 00:53:43,360 --> 00:53:45,960 And he's because it was supposed to be temporary that we were 1005 00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:46,640 there. We. 1006 00:53:46,960 --> 00:53:48,720 Start like help start it. Yeah. 1007 00:53:48,720 --> 00:53:50,240 And then other people would take over. 1008 00:53:50,240 --> 00:53:52,800 So it was supposed to be a year and that got me in the door. 1009 00:53:52,800 --> 00:53:56,560 But this guy, he's a really smart guy. 1010 00:53:56,560 --> 00:53:59,920 His name is Chris Reynolds. He told my husband who told me 1011 00:54:01,200 --> 00:54:05,120 that we need to act as if it's ongoing forever. 1012 00:54:05,280 --> 00:54:07,720 Obviously there was no ministry for us at our last church. 1013 00:54:07,720 --> 00:54:10,960 God has brought us here. So we need to jump in and don't 1014 00:54:11,200 --> 00:54:14,800 do it as if we're leaving. Do it as if it's forever out at 1015 00:54:14,800 --> 00:54:16,760 home. Because if not, you're just 1016 00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:19,680 going to be miserable waiting on you're out the whole time, and 1017 00:54:19,680 --> 00:54:22,360 you're not going to be. Yeah. 1018 00:54:22,600 --> 00:54:25,840 And so we heated that. And it's just been incredible to 1019 00:54:25,840 --> 00:54:29,440 watch the Lord work in Alfred's life where, you know, we went to 1020 00:54:29,440 --> 00:54:32,920 this church almost basically unwillingly, and they saw 1021 00:54:32,920 --> 00:54:35,840 something special in him. They started investing in him. 1022 00:54:36,720 --> 00:54:39,160 He's now in seminary. They have a seminary program 1023 00:54:39,160 --> 00:54:41,400 through their church, which we didn't know about. 1024 00:54:41,400 --> 00:54:44,600 Awesome. And he works there right now 1025 00:54:44,600 --> 00:54:48,840 part time as an intern. And so the Lord's just using 1026 00:54:48,840 --> 00:54:50,200 that church mightily in his life. 1027 00:54:50,200 --> 00:54:53,520 That's awesome. Girl like just to think like how 1028 00:54:53,520 --> 00:54:58,400 far polar opposites like how you were just so in the darkness and 1029 00:54:58,400 --> 00:55:02,920 now you know you're following the Lord, your husbands pursuing 1030 00:55:03,600 --> 00:55:08,280 his seminary degree like all this stuff because of God, just 1031 00:55:08,280 --> 00:55:12,440 because of surrendering and saying, you know what, let me 1032 00:55:12,440 --> 00:55:15,320 ask because God's not too big for our questions. 1033 00:55:15,320 --> 00:55:18,040 He can handle our questions. He can handle our doubts and 1034 00:55:18,040 --> 00:55:21,240 when we do have those doubts, ask him talk to him because he 1035 00:55:21,240 --> 00:55:24,360 is a personable God. It's not just A1 sided. 1036 00:55:24,360 --> 00:55:25,960 I'm going to talk to you and never hear from you. 1037 00:55:25,960 --> 00:55:30,080 And there's a lot of times that like I've, I wish everybody 1038 00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:34,160 could experience misery and the Potter's house, because I truly 1039 00:55:34,160 --> 00:55:38,120 wouldn't have really understood God speaking to you if it wasn't 1040 00:55:38,120 --> 00:55:43,440 for the Potter's house either. Like because of mom and how God 1041 00:55:43,440 --> 00:55:46,120 spoke to her, writing her name in the sand and all this stuff, 1042 00:55:46,120 --> 00:55:47,680 and then her coming home and telling me. 1043 00:55:47,680 --> 00:55:52,960 So when I started wondering and seeking the Lord, I was like, 1044 00:55:52,960 --> 00:55:56,440 you know, what if it worked for my mom and he spoke to her, 1045 00:55:57,360 --> 00:56:00,760 He'll speak to me. So let me ask, let me let me ask 1046 00:56:00,760 --> 00:56:03,520 him, you know? So it's just so cool to see how 1047 00:56:03,520 --> 00:56:07,320 you had all these questions and he followed him up every time 1048 00:56:07,320 --> 00:56:10,680 just so I showed you who he was. Yeah, and that reminds me too. 1049 00:56:10,680 --> 00:56:14,040 So that night after God removed my darkness, I went back and 1050 00:56:14,040 --> 00:56:15,400 read the book, The book of first John. 1051 00:56:15,400 --> 00:56:16,280 Right? Got a mixture. 1052 00:56:16,280 --> 00:56:19,960 Yeah, and that same scripture, but it was the last bit of 1053 00:56:19,960 --> 00:56:23,200 seven. And it says we have fellowship 1054 00:56:23,200 --> 00:56:26,560 with one another and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us 1055 00:56:26,560 --> 00:56:29,760 from all sin. And I just was penetrated by 1056 00:56:29,760 --> 00:56:32,920 that verse and I knew that Jesus had cleansed me of all my sin 1057 00:56:32,920 --> 00:56:36,440 that night. And see, I just wanted to share 1058 00:56:36,440 --> 00:56:37,040 that. As well. 1059 00:56:37,680 --> 00:56:40,680 That's so good, girl. So as we begin to close, I'm 1060 00:56:40,680 --> 00:56:42,560 going to give you a way to close this. 1061 00:56:42,560 --> 00:56:45,840 OK, I'll give you 3 options. One, maybe on the way here you 1062 00:56:45,840 --> 00:56:48,160 were like, I really want to talk about this and I haven't gave 1063 00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:51,120 you the chance to do so. Or maybe you have a piece of 1064 00:56:51,120 --> 00:56:54,720 advice Or maybe God's revealed and taught you something more 1065 00:56:54,720 --> 00:56:56,240 recently that you would like to share. 1066 00:56:56,240 --> 00:56:57,640 How would you like to end this episode? 1067 00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:00,680 I'll share what God's teaching me. 1068 00:57:00,760 --> 00:57:04,440 OK I love when people do this. They don't pick it often. 1069 00:57:04,640 --> 00:57:06,240 They usually go with the vice anyway. 1070 00:57:06,320 --> 00:57:10,160 Tell it, girl. OK, so recently I've been 1071 00:57:10,480 --> 00:57:14,520 dealing and struggling with circumstances, right? 1072 00:57:15,240 --> 00:57:18,320 I heard so many testimonies at the Potter's house where, you 1073 00:57:18,320 --> 00:57:21,080 know, I got saved and all these amazing things happened. 1074 00:57:21,080 --> 00:57:26,160 And you just heard my testimony. Amazing things did happen, but 1075 00:57:26,320 --> 00:57:29,200 God didn't promise me a perfect life on this earth. 1076 00:57:29,200 --> 00:57:30,920 He promised me eternity with him. 1077 00:57:30,920 --> 00:57:33,800 And so I thought that I was going to get my daughter back. 1078 00:57:33,800 --> 00:57:35,600 And I thought marriage was going to be groovy. 1079 00:57:35,600 --> 00:57:37,640 And I thought I was going to be like this awesome leader 1080 00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:39,560 everywhere I went. And that's not what has 1081 00:57:39,560 --> 00:57:41,560 happened. God is not giving me my daughter 1082 00:57:41,560 --> 00:57:43,960 back. She is a permanent resident of 1083 00:57:43,960 --> 00:57:46,560 the Virelli household. And praise God that my parents 1084 00:57:46,560 --> 00:57:48,160 took care of her when I wouldn't. 1085 00:57:49,600 --> 00:57:54,120 And marriage is hard. Yeah, and stepping and taking 1086 00:57:54,120 --> 00:57:58,200 the the back seat with what it feels like almost in this new 1087 00:57:58,200 --> 00:58:01,560 church is is different and it's hard for me and my personality, 1088 00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:06,360 but God is just teaching me in my circumstances to rejoice in 1089 00:58:06,360 --> 00:58:10,040 all things that I may not being persecuted. 1090 00:58:10,040 --> 00:58:13,400 I'm not being persecuted right now for the gospel, but the 1091 00:58:13,400 --> 00:58:16,480 gospel is advancing through my suffering, right. 1092 00:58:16,600 --> 00:58:20,280 Elizabeth Elliott said that suffering is having what we 1093 00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:24,680 don't want or wanting what we don't have right. 1094 00:58:24,680 --> 00:58:28,840 And so often I fall into those categories and I can revert back 1095 00:58:28,840 --> 00:58:34,360 to the mindset of woe is me and forgetting that God and his 1096 00:58:34,360 --> 00:58:37,720 steadfast loved has saved us and that salvation should be enough. 1097 00:58:39,040 --> 00:58:42,640 And so in First Thessalonians, it says to give thanks in all 1098 00:58:42,640 --> 00:58:47,040 circumstances, all of them, because this is God's will for 1099 00:58:47,040 --> 00:58:50,160 you in Christ Jesus. And so many people have been 1100 00:58:50,160 --> 00:58:52,480 like, oh, this doesn't catch God off guard. 1101 00:58:52,480 --> 00:58:56,640 And but it's just so much different when God says it to 1102 00:58:56,640 --> 00:58:57,280 you. Yeah. 1103 00:58:57,520 --> 00:58:59,760 And and so it settled something in me. 1104 00:58:59,760 --> 00:59:03,920 And so I kind of got in a like a lull there for a while. 1105 00:59:03,920 --> 00:59:05,200 I didn't want to do my quiet time. 1106 00:59:05,200 --> 00:59:06,560 I didn't want to spend time with God. 1107 00:59:06,560 --> 00:59:11,000 And when I finally came to the Lord, it admitted that I was 1108 00:59:11,000 --> 00:59:13,680 angry at Him for not giving me my daughter back and that I 1109 00:59:13,680 --> 00:59:16,080 thought things should be differently and just really 1110 00:59:16,920 --> 00:59:19,200 bared my soul. And He already knew all that 1111 00:59:19,200 --> 00:59:20,960 anyways. But when I finally just got down 1112 00:59:20,960 --> 00:59:25,040 and dirty and admitted it all and repented it, it's so 1113 00:59:25,040 --> 00:59:27,680 freeing, right? And now I'm back in my word and 1114 00:59:27,680 --> 00:59:29,520 He's teaching me so many like little things. 1115 00:59:29,520 --> 00:59:32,280 Like the other day, I noticed that of all of the I AM 1116 00:59:32,280 --> 00:59:36,800 statements, the only one that we are correlated with is I am the 1117 00:59:36,800 --> 00:59:38,200 light. He says I'm the light of the 1118 00:59:38,200 --> 00:59:40,720 world, and he says we are the light of the world. 1119 00:59:40,720 --> 00:59:41,800 I'm like, oh, it's got to be special. 1120 00:59:41,800 --> 00:59:43,960 And so, and I just love like finding little treasures like 1121 00:59:43,960 --> 00:59:48,720 that in my Yeah and His word. And so that's what God's 1122 00:59:48,720 --> 00:59:53,440 teaching me is to rejoice in all circumstances that things aren't 1123 00:59:53,440 --> 00:59:56,200 always going to go my way. And just because I got saved 1124 00:59:56,200 --> 00:59:58,600 doesn't mean that my life is going to be awesome. 1125 00:59:59,400 --> 01:00:00,800 It means that I'm going to suffer. 1126 01:00:00,960 --> 01:00:04,160 Yep. But in that suffering is when 1127 01:00:04,160 --> 01:00:08,840 you become mature. I was reading in man James 1128 01:00:08,840 --> 01:00:13,360 first, James four and no verse 12, and it talks about 1129 01:00:13,360 --> 01:00:15,920 perseverance. And you know, we are going to 1130 01:00:15,920 --> 01:00:18,440 have to persevere in this life. We're going to have sufferings 1131 01:00:18,440 --> 01:00:21,360 where those circumstances that aren't great, but as long as we 1132 01:00:21,360 --> 01:00:24,080 steadfast and keep going, that's how we're going to mature in 1133 01:00:24,080 --> 01:00:25,520 Christ. That's how we're going to learn 1134 01:00:25,520 --> 01:00:27,160 more and be able to help others too. 1135 01:00:27,280 --> 01:00:29,120 Yeah, that's literally what praises the point it's about. 1136 01:00:29,280 --> 01:00:31,720 Yeah, and it's for his glory, but our glory. 1137 01:00:31,880 --> 01:00:34,240 Behold, soon it's coming. Yeah. 1138 01:00:34,440 --> 01:00:36,000 I mean, you know, rewards and results. 1139 01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:37,120 Yeah. I'm looking forward to that 1140 01:00:37,120 --> 01:00:40,480 crown. All right, girl, I think this is 1141 01:00:40,480 --> 01:00:41,960 great. I think that was a great way to 1142 01:00:41,960 --> 01:00:44,000 end it. Yeah. 1143 01:00:44,000 --> 01:00:46,160 I'm super excited. I know this was amazing, and 1144 01:00:46,160 --> 01:00:49,080 people are going to love it and take a lot away from this. 1145 01:00:49,360 --> 01:00:51,520 You're never too far gone. You never. 1146 01:00:52,560 --> 01:00:55,360 God can use everybody. He wants to use you. 1147 01:00:55,360 --> 01:00:57,520 You just have to be willing and surrender. 1148 01:00:58,040 --> 01:00:59,840 Yeah. Alright guys, I hope you 1149 01:00:59,840 --> 01:01:02,000 enjoyed. This as much as I have. 1150 01:01:02,520 --> 01:01:05,320 Make sure you like, share, comment, whatever all that good 1151 01:01:05,320 --> 01:01:07,320 stuff is. I appreciate each and everyone 1152 01:01:07,320 --> 01:01:10,080 of you, so make sure you stay tuned, stay blessed, and we'll 1153 01:01:10,080 --> 01:01:11,120 see you guys later. Bye.