1 00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:15,240 What's up guys? My name is Alexis, your host 2 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:18,080 with praises in the pod and I'm so excited to be in the studio 3 00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:21,280 with Shawnee Bowen. We are going to be talking about 4 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,440 her testimony. Y'all already know that and what 5 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,720 God has done in her life. I'm so excited y'all. 6 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:28,280 I'm so excited for y'all to hear this. 7 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:30,720 We're going to start off in prayer and then we're going to 8 00:00:30,720 --> 00:00:31,800 jump right in. So here we go. 9 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:35,880 Lord Heavenly Father, just thank you for today and all of your 10 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:38,440 many blessings. Lord God, I just pray that you 11 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,240 calm our nerves in this conversation. 12 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:44,560 Lord God, that you just speak to us and through US. 13 00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:47,440 I always pray for that and I never want to take that lightly. 14 00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:52,120 I know that you live inside of us and you can and will use our 15 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:55,760 words to tell people about you and what you've done in our 16 00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,520 lives. Lord God, we're just a vessel. 17 00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:00,880 We want to be a vessel. We just want to share what you 18 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,240 have done and give other people hope. 19 00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:07,560 We pray that this glorifies you and that all that we do, Lord 20 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:11,280 God just reflects you and that we are a light to others. 21 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:14,080 Lord just go before us. Open all the doors that need to 22 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,520 be open and shut all the doors that need to be shut. 23 00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:19,440 Let this glorify you. In Jesus name I pray, Amen. 24 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,720 So a little back story for our listeners. 25 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,720 Y'all know or maybe you're new here. 26 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,640 I went and spoke at a women's conference. 27 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:30,880 What was the women's conference name? 28 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:33,240 What was it? I can't think. 29 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,160 I'm so sorry, Amy. I'm so sorry. 30 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,280 I hold on. I know it. 31 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:39,720 I know it. One second. 32 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,320 Renewed, renewed, renewed and restored. 33 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,040 Amy, we got it. We got it. 34 00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:51,600 But anyway, we both got asked to speak there this weekend and it 35 00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:53,880 was an incredible, incredible weekend. 36 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:58,760 Like OMG, so good. And this is where I heard part 37 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:01,680 of your testimony and I said say no more girl. 38 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:04,120 You got to come up in here and here we are. 39 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,640 I'm excited, yes, and I got to hear yours too. 40 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,840 I've watched your video so I heard a little. 41 00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,480 Yes. So let's talk about you, girl. 42 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:14,720 Let's start at your childhood and kind of work our way up. 43 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:18,840 OK, yeah, childhood. I grew up in South Dakota, a 44 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:22,800 single mom household, so I think it was like 8. 45 00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:26,200 My parents got divorced, she had four kids. 46 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:31,120 So I just kind of living through that and seeing where God's 47 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,680 provision first hand at a young age. 48 00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:37,160 I didn't really fully understand at the time, you know, what God 49 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,480 was doing because I was so little. 50 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:41,880 And we were just talking about how hard it is for us, our 51 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:44,440 minds, our flesh to grasp how good God is. 52 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:49,080 So just her struggling through like whether it be financially 53 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:52,120 or just emotionally and seeing where he was meeting every need, 54 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:55,400 whether it be through her church, family or just random 55 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:58,800 strangers. But growing up in a house with, 56 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:03,360 you know, no father present, that that's always a hard go for 57 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:05,360 any child. But for a female, I feel like 58 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,440 it's pretty. It's pretty different. 59 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:11,080 So you grow up not knowing one what marriage should look like 60 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,000 or a godly marriage should look like at all. 61 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:18,880 And then, you know, I don't even know how it works, but it's like 62 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,240 your brain is wired to think like abandonment. 63 00:03:22,240 --> 00:03:24,160 And you have abandonment issues growing up. 64 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:27,080 And you're supposed to when you're in church and go. 65 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:28,480 I went to church every single Sunday. 66 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,960 Like mom was. We were there every Sunday, 67 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:35,280 every Wednesday. But it was still like, you feel 68 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,040 like you're missing something and you're heavenly Father. 69 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,400 And that's what you're taught in church. 70 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,720 You know Jesus and you know God's your heavenly Father, but 71 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,280 you don't know what a father looks like if you don't have 72 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:44,840 one. Yeah. 73 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:50,360 So that's kind of the early on started struggling with anxiety, 74 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:57,160 really just trying to find like love in wrong places. 75 00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:00,600 And like even when I was young, like 14, you know, I was not, I 76 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,800 mean my poor mother, I would sneak out. 77 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,720 I would, I was like a freshman in high school and my kids like 78 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,320 almost the same age. I'm like, how did I do this at 79 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,680 night? Because I'm like, yeah, I'm. 80 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,400 It was awful. I would go to parties at 14. 81 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:17,440 I would hang out with seniors that were no business hanging 82 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,279 out. But at the time, it was like, I 83 00:04:19,279 --> 00:04:23,680 just felt like somebody loved me, you know, even though I knew 84 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:27,200 my mom loved me or my family, and it just wasn't really 85 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:29,680 grasping that Jesus's love should have been enough at that 86 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:31,800 point. Now, were you still in South 87 00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:33,440 Dakota during this time? So. 88 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:37,280 So when did If this is way down the road, when did you move 89 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:38,600 here? I moved. 90 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,440 Well, I moved at 14, so it was like halfway through my freshman 91 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,800 year of high school. Yeah, a lot of that was because 92 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:49,280 my mom was trying to break the pattern of she knew what I was 93 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:51,360 doing. She knew what I was probably 94 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,320 going to end up being and she was like, hey. 95 00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:58,760 What, how? How are your sisters like? 96 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,800 Going Yeah, the same age. Anissa was 12. 97 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,440 OK. And are you the oldest? 98 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,760 I am OK, yeah. OK, you got big 99 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:09,520 responsibilities. I do. 100 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,000 And even now I still, I'm like no oldest. 101 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:16,520 I should be doing all these things, but at that Phase, I was 102 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:20,680 the oldest and just, you know, doing things I knew I should and 103 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,240 doing put me in very uncomfortable situations, ones 104 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,920 that I should have never been in. 105 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,320 But at the time, you know, you're young. 106 00:05:26,320 --> 00:05:29,760 You think you think you're gonna happen 100%. 107 00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,200 I look spiritual. Yeah. 108 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,000 And I'm like. They're God's provision, 109 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,400 absolutely provision. So why do y'all move here? 110 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:40,080 So we ended up moving. So my mom at the time was like, 111 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,680 listen, we were really curious about our dad. 112 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:45,280 We hadn't seen him. I mean, we were, I was 8. 113 00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:47,240 So until 14 hadn't talked to him. 114 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,680 He he moved to Georgia with his wife at the time. 115 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:54,160 It was pretty fast. And my mom remember putting me 116 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,800 in counseling and I told my counselor I was just very 117 00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:58,960 hateful without knowing I was hateful. 118 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,840 I told the counselor I was like, I don't need you like I'm OK, 119 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,960 but I wasn't OK though, you know, and so and still to this 120 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,280 day, like there's certain things that will try to come back where 121 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:12,280 the enemy is like, hey, and I'm like, no, we're, we're past 122 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:16,320 that. But at the time it's I just was 123 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:17,920 hateful. And I remember a pastor, I don't 124 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,280 even know if my mom, she'll remember this, but he looked at 125 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,960 my mom and he's like the devil's got a hold of her. 126 00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:29,720 And so for a long time, like my perception was, I mean, I don't 127 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:31,120 know how to change that. You know, at a young age, I 128 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,840 wasn't taught really how to, I know how to pray. 129 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,920 My mom's a very, very godly woman. 130 00:06:35,920 --> 00:06:38,360 It wasn't that it was like spiritual warfare isn't talked 131 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,560 about enough. And then that time, So I just 132 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:47,240 thought, well, a pastor thinks that I'm unlovable or unfixable, 133 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,040 you know, And that's kind of what I went with for a while and 134 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,960 just let that be a thing. That's hard to hear, girl, like, 135 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,840 especially when you know, now you're young. 136 00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:59,000 So we have these like, what is it like inner thoughts? 137 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,960 But now it's a negative core belief about yourself. 138 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,880 Like of the devil's got me. I'm too far gone. 139 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:09,400 Like the wording of that is just like, that's rough to hear. 140 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:12,120 And now it's going to really shape your identity. 141 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:13,360 Yeah, it really is. It's. 142 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:17,240 It and for a long time, like even after I started trying to, 143 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:20,680 you know, and I and I got baptized at the time I was 144 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:23,640 really young, my grandmother grandfather was a pastor and so 145 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,360 he was just like, you want to get baptized and I was like, 146 00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,320 yeah, but not knowing the significance of. 147 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,320 It that was a dog. Yeah, that was a dog. 148 00:07:30,320 --> 00:07:32,920 It was just like quick bath, you know, in front of everybody with 149 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:37,120 clothes on. So I just tried to find my way 150 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:39,840 back a couple times. And then not that I always 151 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:43,280 thought about what the pastor said, but I was like, do I have 152 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,720 that calling of where I'm just not, you know, going to ever 153 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:50,600 make it fully in Jesus's eyes? Like that was a hard thing for 154 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,240 me to kind of overcome for a while. 155 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,800 So that is that's around that 15 mark. 156 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:56,520 Yeah. Yeah. 157 00:07:56,520 --> 00:08:00,200 So tell us a little bit about the time after that, like 158 00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:04,520 because you know, you move here, I bet that's a big adjustment, 159 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,360 especially in high school. So tell us a little bit about 160 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:11,000 that stage after you're here. OK, so mom's like, hey, you guys 161 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,000 are curious about dad, like go try it out for six months. 162 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,080 You know, you need to get a little break from your people 163 00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:20,120 that you're hanging out with. And then in six months, like 164 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,240 we'll we'll talk about you guys coming back. 165 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:29,400 And so we move. And I remember at at the time I 166 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,240 was, I really didn't want to go because I realized real fast, my 167 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:34,320 mom called my bluff. And she's like, you want to go? 168 00:08:34,320 --> 00:08:36,679 Like, let's try it. And she's like, your dad's 169 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:39,960 coming up here to pick you or pick you up and we're going to 170 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,280 meet him and you're going to have to go. 171 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:44,400 And I just remember, I mean, I was 14, but thrown a fit. 172 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,920 I feel like a three-year old didn't want to go. 173 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,960 I was trying not to get in the van. 174 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,680 And then my dad called and he was like, Hey, I'll, I'll pick 175 00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:56,200 you up physically if I have to. And so I was very angry. 176 00:08:56,320 --> 00:09:00,920 And when we got to Georgia, very angry, I mean, I would call my 177 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,160 mom and I, I don't, I wasn't cussing at that because I still 178 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:07,960 was respectful obviously. And maybe accidentally if I did, 179 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,040 I just would call her and just tell her I hated her. 180 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:16,360 I think a couple times because it felt like, yeah, what do I 181 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:17,480 do? I don't really know this. 182 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:20,160 I don't really know this father of mine and then his wife's here 183 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:24,240 and then they've got kids and it just felt so awkward. 184 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:29,960 And my mom, she, she's my best friend and she regrets, I think 185 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,920 all of the things, but she, she needed to do it, you know, but 186 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,800 it was hard. I mean, to the point where my 187 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:37,920 stepdad was on the phone once and he's like, you're not 188 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:41,040 allowed to call here, but like maybe once a week. 189 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,120 Because I'm sure it was like tearing your mom up. 190 00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,960 Yeah, I'm sure. So you get here. 191 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,120 Does that, does the party lie for, like, that type of thing 192 00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:50,720 come with you? It stopped. 193 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,600 It stopped a while. Nice. 194 00:09:52,600 --> 00:09:54,840 Because I didn't know anybody. So I was like, you know what, 195 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:59,840 what do you do? And my stepmom was very strict 196 00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:02,040 and my father like we were all there. 197 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:06,000 So he just was he was working and still not really present in 198 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,960 the home, hunting, working, taking, you know, and I'm like a 199 00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,080 true believer. So you can be present in the 200 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:14,040 house, but like mentally you're not present or you're working so 201 00:10:14,040 --> 00:10:17,440 much that you're still like a you're missing from the home. 202 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:20,120 And that's a free that that'll pre a lot absent father or 203 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:23,720 parent, you know, not that it's intentional sometimes, but it 204 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:27,120 is. So it was hard for me to get 205 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,680 used to. Like now I have the stepmom that 206 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:31,080 I'm living with. It's not completely different 207 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,160 than my mom. He know not not in a bad way, 208 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:37,080 she just was different. So I just was really hateful 209 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:40,200 towards everybody. I didn't know anybody I met at 210 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:42,280 school. I met a few people at school, 211 00:10:42,280 --> 00:10:45,000 but it just didn't feel like home. 212 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,520 And I had my sister, so her and I became super close to this 213 00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:50,880 because it was like really the only person I really had with me 214 00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,840 now in high school, I'm trying to think. 215 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:58,120 I mean, I just I started hanging out with people. 216 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:04,520 I I felt the need to be like validated from other people 217 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,560 still. I mean, it was like doing I want 218 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:09,240 to be a popular kid. Well, I really wasn't never a 219 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:13,720 popular kid, but I felt like if I could be or if I was prettier 220 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:17,680 enough or whatever, I just really struggled with what I 221 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:20,480 looked like because it was like if I I don't look like other 222 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,440 people, so I'm not, you know, popular. 223 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:26,800 And it was just again, lacking Jesus because it all goes back 224 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,720 to like feeling enough in him first. 225 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:30,840 I would have been fine if I would have known that sooner, 226 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:35,640 but in high school I still was, you know, boy crazy typical. 227 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:40,000 I had a boyfriend that I did before he went to college and 228 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,840 then that is out. And then I dated somebody else 229 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:49,280 after that and then ended up he proposed and I was young and I 230 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,800 felt like, Oh, yeah. This is it. 231 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:53,280 Is it? And then I remember my mom. 232 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,400 I called her and I was like, oh, I'm engaged. 233 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,560 And she's like, you don't seem too thrilled. 234 00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,120 I started thinking I was like I don't need to do this. 235 00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,360 Yeah. So-called that off, but then it 236 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:07,600 met Jason's dad. I was, I was 19. 237 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:11,520 They are young, I mean so engaged at 18 as well. 238 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,680 Girl, that's so funny. Because I was too. 239 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:15,880 That is so funny. And now I look back and I'm 240 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:18,960 like, what in the world were you thinking? 241 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,200 Girl, I'm. Not like what did I think I 242 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,040 could have a family at 18? Like I'm still a kid. 243 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:27,840 OK, so 19 you meet your oldest son's father. 244 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:31,760 I do and it was AI mean it's a dark a dark place. 245 00:12:31,760 --> 00:12:36,040 So meet him introduced. He introduced a world that there 246 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,680 were drugs. There's parties at his house. 247 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:41,800 At the time, I didn't know drugs were involved until I like 248 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:47,800 walked in on drugs being done and I got pregnant like pretty 249 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,600 fast. I'm like 3 months and then at 250 00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,080 the point like still learning him and not knowing all this. 251 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:58,480 And then after I'm pregnant, all this is revealed and I just kept 252 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:02,440 thinking like, Oh well, I'm pregnant so I need to stay until 253 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:06,160 it became like super abusive and and very like unsafe for me. 254 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:10,480 And I ended up, I think it was like 7 or 8, no, six or seven 255 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,120 months pregnant. I moved in with his mom because 256 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,520 I didn't want to go back to my dad's house because I still had 257 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:20,720 trauma and hurt there, you know? And then I go through, I have 258 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,920 Chasen and, you know, at the time there was a lot of people, 259 00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,200 obviously people that I was hanging out with were not saved. 260 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,160 And they're like abortion. And then people were throwing 261 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:32,240 adoption out. And I was like, no, like, I 262 00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:37,080 might be young, but I'm going to bust my butt because yeah, I, I 263 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,600 really just in my heart was like, no. 264 00:13:39,680 --> 00:13:44,360 But now he's like my best friend and he doesn't love to hug me 265 00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:47,840 anymore. I've been seeing these tik toks 266 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,800 girl where they're like you pick up your kid for the last time 267 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,680 and you never know that it's the last time and then they'll have 268 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:55,160 like a full grown little boy. In there and let me touch him. 269 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:59,000 I'm like, let me hug you. He's like, no, mom, please. 270 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,880 I'm itchy. And I'm like, what's that face? 271 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:06,520 Yeah, but it was I was 19, and I had him right when I turned 20 272 00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:10,080 or a little after I turned 20. And it was I had to quit school. 273 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:13,520 I was in nursing school time and quit school instantly. 274 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,680 I had to move back into my father. 275 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:17,440 So I had to, you know, lower my pride there because I didn't 276 00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:21,600 have money and and his dad sold my car one time when I was out 277 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:25,080 of town did they'll and so I'm starting with nothing. 278 00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:29,960 So I had to suck up my pride and move back home. 279 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:35,240 And when I did, it was around this time that things were going 280 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,720 on at home that I didn't want to obviously live there anymore and 281 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:44,440 nothing too bad, but I saved money, got a house, got a car, 282 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:47,600 and then moved out on my own. I had my sister move in with me 283 00:14:47,600 --> 00:14:51,640 and raising Jason and she was watching him while I was working 284 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:55,280 at Verizon at the time. But abuse was still happening 285 00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,480 from his father. Like, you know, coming in, 286 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,680 things like that, like it was a, it was very scary. 287 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:02,200 I mean, dark. And when I look back at it, I'm 288 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,360 like, there's some nights where I just, when I try to envision 289 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,440 or like think of the past, 'cause we just went through like 290 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,160 a whole court case, like custody and stuff. 291 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,400 I was asked to bring up a lot of things. 292 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:16,040 And it was like, your mind tries to protect you from sometimes. 293 00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,720 And I was praying. I was like, please let me 294 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:21,240 remember the things that are important because going back 295 00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,720 there feels heavy. But then also it was like a 296 00:15:23,720 --> 00:15:25,760 moment of me being able to thank Jesus. 297 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:28,040 Like, hey, like this could have been dark. 298 00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:31,360 Like I could have been on the streets addicted to drugs. 299 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,040 I could have, you know, several things that have happened to me 300 00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:37,840 that didn't that I, I was completely rescued of that 301 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:39,240 lifestyle and I'm super thankful. 302 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:42,680 But at the time, I still wasn't living for Jesus even after 303 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,480 that. I love how you brought up, you 304 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:48,840 know, that our mind protects us, like Jesus truly protects us 305 00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,440 from some of those memories because like there's so many 306 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,760 times that we talk about traumatic things that have 307 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,320 happened in our life and you're like, but I don't really have 308 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:59,560 memories from that time period. Like as a child, I don't have 309 00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:02,680 memories of my childhood a lot. And I'm not saying like it was 310 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:07,280 like really like I had I was just exposed to stuff and like 311 00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:10,800 my parents were on a in on drugs and like all this stuff. 312 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:12,320 And so like, I don't remember a whole lot. 313 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:16,480 And it's just so it's so crazy how our mind does that. 314 00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,120 And like, well, obviously it's God. 315 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:21,880 I'm not just saying, but no, but like, yeah, so it's just like, 316 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:25,280 wow, you know, thank you for thank you for that case. 317 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,480 It's. Protection for sure and 318 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,480 provision at the end of it. Yeah. 319 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,360 So I and I'm, you know, living there and there was like cops 320 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,160 constantly being called and then it was always drama and it just 321 00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:41,520 felt like constant. But end up moving and working at 322 00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:43,040 GEICO. And that's when me and chasing 323 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,240 started to be OK for a while, you know, like we were good 324 00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,840 financially. I could do things on my own with 325 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,560 him. I felt like OK, you know, I can 326 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,560 finally do this and he's like 4 and I'm like, OK, maybe I can 327 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:57,000 parent. But really all of it was Jesus, 328 00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,880 you know, providing the job, providing the houses, and then 329 00:17:00,360 --> 00:17:03,560 really providing the confidence. Like, I know I talked at that 330 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,119 conference a little bit about provision. 331 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,920 So many people think, you know, in the Bible, my mom and I just 332 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:11,119 talked about this, you know, in the Bible, he tells us you're 333 00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:12,839 not supposed to worry about what you're going to eat, where or 334 00:17:12,839 --> 00:17:14,720 where you're going to sleep. You know, like he's going to 335 00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,800 provide that. But he also knows that we have, 336 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:21,400 you know, he wants to give you joys and, you know, the desires 337 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:24,720 of your heart. So there's just certain things 338 00:17:25,079 --> 00:17:28,040 throughout seeing like his hand and all of it. 339 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,400 I just wasn't realizing that it was still provision, even if it 340 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,680 wasn't financial provision. And I'm still living in that, 341 00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:37,040 you know, like it might not be a job that I need with the right 342 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:40,520 hours for the kids or the right money, but it's you're he's 343 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,160 helping me endure through it. Like he's giving me peace. 344 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:46,200 He's giving me joy in these moments that would probably 345 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:48,360 bring a person down like without Jesus. 346 00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:51,720 So I got engaged after. I mean, she hasn't really young, 347 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:55,480 still get engaged, end up calling the wedding off and 348 00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:00,720 meet, which is now my ex-husband, but Avery and 349 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:04,760 Tatum's dad probably about six months after which I've met him 350 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:06,560 before. But like, yeah, hung out or 351 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:10,600 whatever and ended up getting married and having kids. 352 00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:15,400 But throughout all that, it was always trying to find somebody 353 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,920 like a man like, you know, because I was like a valid 354 00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:19,840 other. Yeah. 355 00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:26,680 But now, like being a little bit more wiser, it was Jesus that I 356 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:30,640 was like internally seeking and not knowing, you know, and I 357 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,360 would always. And I still, and this is one 358 00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:35,680 thing that the Lord's really revealed to me lately is because 359 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,600 of the lack of my relationship with him, like with the lack of 360 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:43,920 me trying and not letting him in, I was putting so much 361 00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:47,640 pressure on people like the people that I was dating or my 362 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:51,360 family or whoever, you know, my friends to fill a hole that they 363 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:53,560 can't fill. Like they were never intended to 364 00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,720 fill those. And in my head, I was thinking, 365 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,400 oh, they can, I can be happy if they do this. 366 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,800 But it now like they're human, you know? 367 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:04,800 And it, it took me a very long time, embarrassingly enough, 368 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,160 like awfully long time. I was probably 30 then. 369 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,960 That was like, hey, yeah, you know, even in my marriage, I had 370 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,280 a hard time with that. I was like seeking him to be all 371 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,360 these things. And he's not supposed to be the 372 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:21,080 provider of all of those things, you know, but, but yeah, so as 373 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:27,240 far as provision goes, just mainly more than money and, and 374 00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:31,200 more than in your fridge, like your, your, your mental state. 375 00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,280 You know, there's been times where the Lord's like I provided 376 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,960 you strength or I've provided you peace in these hard times, 377 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,120 but. It makes me think of just like 378 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,200 mana, right? We, we know in the wilderness, 379 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,360 he provided mana every single day. 380 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:49,200 And it's not like he provided it for the whole time they're 381 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:53,400 there, that he provided it just for today, like just enough 382 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:57,560 food, just enough money, just enough strength, just just 383 00:19:57,560 --> 00:20:01,200 enough for that day. And so many times we get like so 384 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,240 caught up in tomorrow, the next day and the next day. 385 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:07,000 And it's like, this is where the verse is in Luke and Matthew. 386 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,200 But they talk about look at flowers, look at the birds, 387 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:13,360 like, look, look at all of this. And they don't worry, don't 388 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:15,000 worry. He's going to provide. 389 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:19,120 So 1000% it's so funny that you say that because I'm like always 390 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:23,000 thinking of tomorrow. I think like in our world and in 391 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,640 our society, it's easy for us to like, I have to save all this 392 00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:31,080 money because what if I, yeah, lose my house tomorrow, Like, 393 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,880 and you're just constantly like, hey, if you are. 394 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,400 But he's already there. Yeah, like he already knows so. 395 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,000 So how long were you married for? 396 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,640 Five years. Five years, yeah, OK. 397 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,680 Did you want to talk to any? About that a little bit. 398 00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:46,800 I mean, it was we were together for 8 total, married for five. 399 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:52,000 And quickly it was like both of us had broken homes, you know, 400 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,480 like our parents were not married. 401 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:57,280 So I think going into it, that was something that after my 402 00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:02,160 divorce, the Lord realized like, you know, revealed to me was we 403 00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:05,200 didn't know how to put him in the middle because we didn't 404 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,840 come from something like that. You know, I have, my mom was 405 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:10,800 single so I couldn't see her at thriving in a godly marriage. 406 00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:14,600 And I don't really know what his, you know, childhood as far 407 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:17,160 as that goes, but and they're very nice people. 408 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,840 But as far as the marriage goes, it was, you know, me putting a 409 00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:23,480 lot of pressure on him too. And he had struggles, you know, 410 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:28,320 and there was shit, I mean, it just ended and it ended up not 411 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:32,960 being OK at the end. We, I don't even think like I 412 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,320 ended up going to the homeless shelter, you know, because we 413 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:39,520 were losing the house that we were in and I don't have family 414 00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:41,080 here. So he stayed with his mom. 415 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:43,400 And you know, all of the other situations that I was trying to 416 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,800 work out didn't at the time. So I reached out to somebody, 417 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,480 you know, at my church that I'm pretty close with and I was 418 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,280 like, hey, like, is anybody renting a house or just have 419 00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,440 like a small mother-in-law suite or something that I can stay in 420 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:55,960 for a little bit to get on my feet? 421 00:21:56,520 --> 00:22:00,600 And they pointed me to this place called family promise, 422 00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:02,480 which is super sweet place to me. 423 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:03,680 And they're like all over the country. 424 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:04,840 I didn't know anything about them. 425 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:09,360 And it was there like it's like a little shelter. 426 00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:12,600 And I was like easily Alexis. Yeah, hard now, you know. 427 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,240 And I was like walking out from the gym. 428 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:17,400 This is all like within a 2 hour time span that I'm trying to 429 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:22,760 figure things out. And it was, I was thinking, I 430 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,400 don't want to do this. Like I really, it was a pride 431 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:27,280 moment for me. I was like, I don't want to be 432 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:32,960 the girl in the homeless shelter at 3032 or 31, you know, 32 I 433 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,280 think. So you and your husband are 434 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,720 already separating or like. Yeah, we're separated well, and 435 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:40,200 we're still trying to work things out at the point, but it 436 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:46,000 was like, I, I just think at the time I, I just couldn't like in 437 00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,880 my head, I'm like, you know, I'm in a homeless shelter. 438 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:52,840 I feel like God's changing me and I just couldn't, I don't 439 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,840 know, I just and then I just like, I filed for divorce. 440 00:22:54,840 --> 00:23:00,680 Let me think March of last year, OK. 441 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,760 And I ended up, well, it was probably January. 442 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,680 Sorry, my time frames are awful on that. 443 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:12,240 But yeah, no, I end up filing for divorce because I just felt 444 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:15,960 like the marriage, like going into it wasn't me seeking Jesus. 445 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:19,080 And like, I actually heard on another podcast, I always listen 446 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:23,240 to podcasts where I don't even know the gentleman's name, but 447 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:26,280 he had mentioned like somebody came to him and was like, should 448 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,560 I get married or, you know, And he said, well, do you think that 449 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:32,200 your marriage is going to further the Kingdom of the Lord? 450 00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:36,080 Because if not, like, it's probably not a marriage that you 451 00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:37,680 need to be in or or should be in. 452 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,000 And that was kind of a moment for me. 453 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:43,720 Like I was always looking for somebody to validate the lack of 454 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:46,360 a father in my life and somebody to love me and show me that I'm 455 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:52,440 not like abandoned, you know? So I put so much pressure on my 456 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,000 ex-husband because it was like constant and so and even still 457 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,560 like God's revealing things to me that I probably should have 458 00:23:58,560 --> 00:24:00,200 done differently within the marriage. 459 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,720 But but it was a hard take for me to go to the homeless 460 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,000 shelter. And then like I was struggling 461 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:09,560 really bad mentally for the first I said like the homeless 462 00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:13,400 shelter, the way it's set up is you go in there and the longest 463 00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:14,760 time that you can stay is 6 months. 464 00:24:15,200 --> 00:24:18,960 It's not like your typical bunk bed, soup kitchen, you know, 465 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:20,840 random people just strolling in and out. 466 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,800 It's you have your own little condo. 467 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:25,520 It's a sweet little tiny apartment. 468 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:30,960 And I switched jobs at the time because I was praying, you know, 469 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,680 this is like we're a huge pivotal moment for me and my 470 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,120 faith because I was thinking like, what's something that I 471 00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:37,840 need to do because something's not working? 472 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:39,480 Like my marriage is falling apart. 473 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:43,520 I can't fix it. Like, counseling's not an option 474 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:45,320 right now. I mean, it was, but he didn't 475 00:24:45,320 --> 00:24:46,680 really want to go. And it was hard. 476 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:48,640 And it's financially expensive sometimes too. 477 00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,200 So it's like something's got to change. 478 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,520 Because at that moment, I'm like, Lord, I don't know what to 479 00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,800 do. And at that time, like, I was 480 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:56,760 like, we've been going to church. 481 00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:01,360 And so my walk with Christ has been growing, but it was like me 482 00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:05,080 still getting to know him again, almost like relearning him after 483 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:09,520 living in the world for so long, still brought up, you know, 484 00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:13,480 fully in a home with Christ present and at the center. 485 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:17,360 But this is where I'm like, OK, I'm, I need to fight. 486 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,760 Like I need to spiritually fight because something's up. 487 00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:23,560 And the Lord pressed on my heart to leave my job because that was 488 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:27,680 like, I didn't want to take away from the job and then also take 489 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,720 away from my kids. And then all of this life change 490 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:33,560 is happening. So I leave my job and then 491 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,800 trying to still work things out with my ex-husband at the time, 492 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,320 because I really, you know, wanted to wanted it to work out. 493 00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:43,400 I didn't want to be like, you know, a divorced parent again, 494 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:48,120 you know, living in that. And at that time, I would say 495 00:25:48,120 --> 00:25:51,960 like my mental health Alexis was suffering and I had never dealt 496 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,960 with depression like I've always had or used to. 497 00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:58,520 The Lord completely delivered me from anxiety, which is amazing. 498 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:02,160 But I mean, it was crippling anxiety and that stopped and 499 00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:04,240 then depression hit. So it's like when I say 500 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:08,160 spiritual warfare is so bad, it's always he's his attacks are 501 00:26:08,160 --> 00:26:10,920 constant, you know, But I didn't know because it was such a 502 00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:14,000 sneaky scheme of the enemy that I didn't know it was depression 503 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:18,480 until like, I'm lost 30 lbs and I'm realizing I'm not really 504 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,920 eating because nothing super joyful. 505 00:26:20,920 --> 00:26:23,080 And you think of depression. You're thinking everybody's 506 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,400 crying all the time. But it's, it's like numb. 507 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:29,880 Like, yeah, like, you're numb. You're not excited about food. 508 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:31,200 You're not excited about anything. 509 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:35,880 And so at this time, like we were, Derek and I were sharing 510 00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:37,840 the kids kind of like, we would be divorced. 511 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:41,400 But because we live separate at that time, and when I didn't 512 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,640 have the little ones, it was really hard for me because 513 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,120 they're usually keep you so busy. 514 00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:49,200 And then Chase's a teenager. He's just kind of like, go with 515 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,680 the flow, you know? But I was suffering. 516 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:55,640 And so I just started opening up my Bible and I started the Bible 517 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:59,040 recap. Love terribly cobble, love her, 518 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:00,880 love her. And it's funny because like a 519 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:05,880 lot of women at the church who are like big mentors to me, they 520 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:08,320 recommended it, I think like months before that. 521 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,720 And I tried reading it, but I was like, I'm not getting like 522 00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:13,160 what you guys are getting. I don't feel like. 523 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:16,040 And they're like, you have to watch the videos, the end. 524 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:20,280 And I was like, OK, but I did it and it was like amazing because 525 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:25,400 like seeing her looking for a characteristic of Jesus or 526 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:28,480 anything like in that specific Bible verse or whatever you're 527 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:31,360 reading that day. So it trained my brain to really 528 00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:36,560 look for him like in everything because he's everywhere even in 529 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:37,960 life. Like even not just in what I'm 530 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:40,960 reading in the Bible, like in that day, where did I see Jesus? 531 00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:45,640 So going through that while I'm, and I'm reading this faithfully 532 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:52,720 in the homeless shelter, it was transforming because I felt 533 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:56,520 super joyful, yet like I'm still battling like mental stuff. 534 00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:01,160 But it was Jesus's provision again, like I felt OK, I was 535 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,600 safe and I was able to endure living six months in a homeless 536 00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:07,960 shelter like that, that reality, just saying it is like weird to 537 00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:11,400 me because it is traumatic. You know, like, you have a life, 538 00:28:11,400 --> 00:28:15,080 you're married, you're OK, and then now you're working full 539 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:18,560 time at a school, but you're in a homeless shelter. 540 00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:20,600 Like, that's like, how does that all go together? 541 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:24,920 And it didn't for me. Now in this time period, like 542 00:28:24,920 --> 00:28:29,440 what does it look like with your kids being there too? 543 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,560 Like, are they having a hard time with this transition? 544 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:36,640 Like, and I'm sure because it's probably like embarrassing too 545 00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:39,160 for them. Like, I don't mean that. 546 00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:40,960 In in a bad one. No for it. 547 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:43,400 Well, and it was embarrassing for me a while, but then it was 548 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:47,160 like God flipped a switch and it wasn't, you know, because it was 549 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:49,520 like, this is your test. This is part of your story, your 550 00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:53,520 testimony, like, and I was like, OK, so the kids, the little ones 551 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:56,280 really didn't care. They were excited because the 552 00:28:56,280 --> 00:29:00,360 way the, that it's set up is every Sunday, Monday and 553 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:01,840 Tuesday, you have to go to these dinners. 554 00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,720 And then after these dinners you have chores, you have curfews. 555 00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:08,920 So that again was humbling because after God worked out my 556 00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:12,160 pride and like actually going there, there was still things he 557 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:17,080 was actively working on and chasing. 558 00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:19,840 I don't think he really, he's just got such a sweet, tender 559 00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:22,680 soul. So it's like he and I explained 560 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:26,200 to him like what it was and what we were doing and what was going 561 00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:28,480 on. And he still talks about it kind 562 00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:30,200 of like it's not embarrassing for him. 563 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:34,640 They got a lot of their open book lifestyle from their mom. 564 00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:37,560 That's like sometimes I'm like, OK, sometimes we have to stop. 565 00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:40,920 But Avery at one point because we would always say let's go to 566 00:29:40,920 --> 00:29:43,800 dinner with the ladies. And so he was at school telling 567 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,440 people like, I have to go to dinner with the ladies tonight. 568 00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:49,720 And everybody like what, ladies? And so you know what? 569 00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:54,080 I I said that and I'm like kids, they really don't know. 570 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:56,960 Well, it was. Hard for them as far as so there 571 00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:59,880 was a rule you can't have visitors so we can have friends. 572 00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:02,480 Grammar. Yeah, our curfew so we couldn't 573 00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:05,840 go, you know, to these late hockey games or things that we 574 00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:08,720 would normally have done in our. So our life changed a lot. 575 00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:10,920 You know, we used to have people over all the time. 576 00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:14,240 Now you can't have anybody ever. And then on the weekends, like 577 00:30:14,880 --> 00:30:17,360 there was times my grandma had passed in that summer that I 578 00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:21,000 moved and because of the curfew, I remember calling the director 579 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:24,560 and I was like, hey, tonight's probably my last night. 580 00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:25,960 Can I please stay an extra 2 hours? 581 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,480 So it was like constantly in the back of your mind that like, 582 00:30:29,480 --> 00:30:32,360 Hey, my life doesn't feel like it's like mine. 583 00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:34,800 Which and, and ultimately Jesus was like, it's not like, you 584 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:37,320 know, but I still didn't feel like an adult, like, you know, I 585 00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:39,680 couldn't do things that I needed to do. 586 00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:42,520 It was very hard. And they struggled a lot not 587 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:45,400 having people come over. Avery really struggled not 588 00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:47,280 having his cousin come over because they're like 3 days 589 00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:49,880 apart and best friends and he's like, why can't he come over? 590 00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:51,880 And I'm like, buddy, it's just the rules, you know? 591 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:54,880 But then because of their questions, that's where the 592 00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:56,920 enemy was like, you're a bad mom. 593 00:30:57,240 --> 00:30:59,040 Like you and your kids are in a homeless shelter. 594 00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:01,720 You're a bad mom. And then I felt like it was like 595 00:31:01,720 --> 00:31:03,360 I say spiritual war for the long time. 596 00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:07,120 It was his constant lies and manipulation schemes into my 597 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:09,320 head to make me think like, OK, I'm in my 30s. 598 00:31:09,320 --> 00:31:11,200 I'm in a homeless shelter. Look at your past. 599 00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:13,320 Like this is all the things that he's like throwing at me. 600 00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,160 And I'm like, for a minute before I started, you know, 601 00:31:16,160 --> 00:31:20,240 really diving into the word, it worked, You know, it, it brought 602 00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:23,080 me to where I want to say like, I went to the doctor a lot 603 00:31:23,080 --> 00:31:26,240 because I was like, something else is wrong. 604 00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:30,760 I'm convinced I'm unwell. Like I think they, they think I 605 00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:35,240 have POTS, but I never went, got tested because I just got hired, 606 00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:36,640 you know, like, I don't feel like it. 607 00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:40,040 I, I went to the doctor at some point my, my blood pressure was 608 00:31:40,040 --> 00:31:41,280 extremely low. They're like, how are you 609 00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:42,960 functioning? And I'm like, I'm not, you know, 610 00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:45,080 I just felt so. That's why I'm here. 611 00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:49,560 Not OK. Yeah, and they tried different 612 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:51,680 medications on me. So like, we did try to switch a 613 00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:54,640 few things up to see if it would help because at this point I 614 00:31:54,640 --> 00:31:56,560 wasn't on anxiety medicine anymore. 615 00:31:58,200 --> 00:32:01,240 But none of it seems like fully help, you know? 616 00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:05,400 So while you're there, this is when you're diving into the 617 00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:09,320 word, this is when Jesus is really revealing himself to you 618 00:32:09,320 --> 00:32:12,840 more and more, right? So tell us about this next 619 00:32:12,840 --> 00:32:18,080 season, like maybe towards the end of this and how you leave 620 00:32:18,160 --> 00:32:20,440 the homeless shelter because I know it is only a six month 621 00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:22,040 period. Yeah. 622 00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:24,920 So tell us about how that looks and how that transition. 623 00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:28,720 So when I stepped in, like I talked about my ego, pride, I 624 00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:31,280 was angry and then kind of wrestled with Jesus, like, wow, 625 00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,040 how would you, you know, let us happen And then I really start 626 00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:37,640 diving into the word anyway. And when I left at first. 627 00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:40,760 So you have, you can do it three months or you can do 6 and 628 00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:41,880 you're saving money the whole time. 629 00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:43,760 So the whole time you're giving a portion of your check to the 630 00:32:43,760 --> 00:32:46,000 director. So when you get out, you have a 631 00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:47,320 down payment at first month's rent. 632 00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:50,600 So I was like, I'm only going to stay for three months. 633 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,160 And then me and Derek will figure it out, you know, when 634 00:32:53,160 --> 00:32:55,800 we're back in. I ended up saying six months. 635 00:32:55,800 --> 00:33:00,680 And that was still kind of hard. But at the end of it, I remember 636 00:33:00,680 --> 00:33:03,440 crying, like on the phone with my mom the night that I was 637 00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:06,560 moving out into our new home. I was like, I don't want to 638 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:09,920 leave like Jesus. And I know he's everywhere. 639 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:13,400 Alexa, he was in that homeless shelter, you know, and. 640 00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:18,520 It was like about. It was because it's like, you 641 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:21,080 know, you grow up and you learn about Jesus and then you know, 642 00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:23,320 he's real. Like I've never once doubted if 643 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:25,720 the Lord is real. Like I've never ever thought any 644 00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,360 different. But it's like, are you paying 645 00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:30,400 attention sometimes, you know, like, hey, where are you? 646 00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:34,400 But it was like in that homeless shelter, I couldn't, like, I 647 00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:35,960 didn't want to leave. I'm like, what if he's not at 648 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:37,480 the house? And I was just saying crazy 649 00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,360 things because I'm like, I don't want to leave. 650 00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:42,560 Like if they would let me live here forever, I would, you know, 651 00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,640 that's how much he transformed my heart by the end of six 652 00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:49,720 months because it was pride, you know, arrogance, anger at the 653 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:54,920 beginning, severe depression, and then at the end crying and 654 00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:57,840 not wanting to leave, you know, which is wild because at the 655 00:33:57,840 --> 00:33:59,440 beginning, I'm like, I can't wait to get out of here. 656 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:01,960 And at the end, I'm like, because they have to clean it 657 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:04,640 before you leave, you know, and I'm cleaning it and I'm bawling 658 00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:08,040 my eyes out because I was like, this is such a special place. 659 00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:12,239 You know, it was a season of growing growth and just what is 660 00:34:12,239 --> 00:34:15,920 it the new one? Like crushing in the pressing 661 00:34:15,960 --> 00:34:18,400 like that was a season that it was crushing. 662 00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:24,040 It was crushing to your yes man. You were in the fire, but he was 663 00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:26,880 in there with you and you were learning and growing and just 664 00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:31,840 like learning to depend on him, and probably more so, learning 665 00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:34,920 about his character more than. Yeah, it was just strictly 666 00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:37,520 learning about him as a father, as what I needed. 667 00:34:37,760 --> 00:34:40,040 I think my whole life I didn't have one. 668 00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:41,679 No. And then I put so much pressure 669 00:34:41,679 --> 00:34:44,199 on everybody else to love me enough to heal me. 670 00:34:44,199 --> 00:34:46,960 And they could. And when they couldn't, I was 671 00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:50,719 like, maybe I don't need those since I was ending relationships 672 00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:54,159 and then just being completely careless with my heart, you 673 00:34:54,159 --> 00:34:57,520 know? And then in that period of the 674 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:00,840 homeless shelter, it was like, he's the one who needs to heal 675 00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:02,760 me. Like he's the father that I've 676 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:05,640 been needing and really, and not because at this point, like I 677 00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:07,960 said, we're still like we're going to church as a family. 678 00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:10,920 When I was married, it wasn't that I didn't believe. 679 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:15,280 It was really searching for him and his characteristic and like 680 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:16,760 how he is as a father. Yeah. 681 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:20,480 So you leave the homeless shelter and tell us about that 682 00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:22,280 now, Like, what does that look like? 683 00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:24,480 Because we're kind of not too far out for. 684 00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:25,920 Yeah, right. Like about a year. 685 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:27,640 Or so like almost right out of a year. 686 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:30,160 Yeah, yeah. So tell us about this last year. 687 00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:34,400 So the last year, let's see we move into our house sweet, 688 00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:38,400 special and such a blessing and every God's involved in all of 689 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,320 it and. It's just you and the kids. 690 00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:42,400 Me and the kids. How nice is that? 691 00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:46,400 Like truly to not depend on Someone Like You have worked, 692 00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:49,840 girl like you are so strong because that is such a chapter 693 00:35:50,280 --> 00:35:54,680 that like we've we've seen in the last what, 30 minutes of us 694 00:35:54,680 --> 00:35:59,840 talking of like you've depended on people like people pouring 695 00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:03,360 into you is what you were trying to get happiness out of you or 696 00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:06,160 financially dependent? Yes, you are financially 697 00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:09,360 dependent on people and now this last year you're out on your 698 00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:12,240 own. I am, and it's so funny because 699 00:36:12,240 --> 00:36:15,280 I'm like and I love my job, so I never want to leave and I'm 700 00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:17,200 praying about like his provision. 701 00:36:17,200 --> 00:36:22,880 So because I just I plan to go back to college, but I think now 702 00:36:22,880 --> 00:36:29,880 I'm probably make less than I have in years, but I still feel 703 00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:34,080 like when I pray, and I always say this because I I still 704 00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:37,880 struggle sometimes like with wrestling with Hey, where are 705 00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:39,240 you? Like, what are we doing? 706 00:36:39,240 --> 00:36:42,960 You know, my life looks so different, but this last year, 707 00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:46,680 I'll tell you like, it's, I put so much pressure on myself to 708 00:36:47,320 --> 00:36:51,080 meet or all of the sudden be perfect. 709 00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:53,880 Not that I know we can't, but it's like, why am I feeling 710 00:36:53,880 --> 00:36:54,840 this? And then I get upset with 711 00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:56,600 myself. And it's like God has whispered 712 00:36:56,600 --> 00:37:00,120 over and over again, you're not supposed to change anything 713 00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:02,280 about your heart. You don't grow yourself in your 714 00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:03,840 faith. Like I'm the one who's doing 715 00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:04,840 that. Like, let it go. 716 00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:08,760 Yeah, because it's hard for me. And so these, I feel like even 717 00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:11,360 just with the homeless children, like now this season, it's still 718 00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:14,160 depending on him for joy and for peace. 719 00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:16,760 Like I went and my therapist was like, do a journal. 720 00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:19,840 And so and then my pastor's wife was like, do a gratitude 721 00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:21,520 journal. And I remember crying. 722 00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:24,480 I was like, sometimes a lot like all I can think of because of 723 00:37:24,480 --> 00:37:28,160 how hard of a season it is still, you know, is thank you 724 00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:30,200 that I'm alive. And then at at some point, like 725 00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:32,040 I just kept writing that and I was like, that should be enough 726 00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:33,520 for me. Like I don't even know why I'm 727 00:37:33,520 --> 00:37:36,760 expecting him to do anything other than keep me alive. 728 00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:40,240 You know, that is enough. And I've been at my rock bottom 729 00:37:40,240 --> 00:37:42,440 and and sometimes I'm like, I feel like just the last two 730 00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:45,280 years have been a rock bottom for me and complete refinement, 731 00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:48,840 like crushing because it's constantly me dying to my flesh 732 00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:50,480 and thinking like, whatever you want. 733 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:53,200 So after the homeless shelter, we get into our house, I'm 734 00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:54,680 excited. Everything's amazing. 735 00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:56,960 But during the homeless shelter, I kind of went through that 736 00:37:56,960 --> 00:38:00,640 period of not wanting to cook because I didn't want to feel 737 00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:02,240 like it was real. Like I didn't want to use the 738 00:38:02,240 --> 00:38:06,040 kitchen because if I use the kitchen, I felt like it's a home 739 00:38:06,040 --> 00:38:08,280 and I didn't want to make it my home, you know, at 1st. 740 00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:11,280 And so when I got into this house, I started trying to cook 741 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:13,120 again. And then slowly those old habits 742 00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:15,600 kept coming back of not wanting to cook again. 743 00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:19,040 And I just remember like praying and crying and I was like, you 744 00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:21,120 know, I feel like a lot of this has changed my heart for the 745 00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:22,160 good. Obviously. 746 00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:25,520 Like I'm stronger in Christ. Like I feel more dependent on 747 00:38:25,520 --> 00:38:27,280 him for everything. Like I know he's where 748 00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:31,240 everything comes from, but why am I like, struggling again, you 749 00:38:31,240 --> 00:38:33,040 know? So I went through a period after 750 00:38:34,800 --> 00:38:38,040 of not feeling adequate, like constantly asking and constantly 751 00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:41,760 praying and rebuking things like, you know, in the house. 752 00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:47,680 And it was just kind of like AI don't even know how to explain 753 00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,480 like supernatural peace for a long time. 754 00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:53,640 And then it was again, the enemy schemes because during like 755 00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:56,000 right when I moved into this house and I'm excited and I'm 756 00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,880 like, you know, we have spiritual highs and so we can't 757 00:38:58,880 --> 00:39:02,680 live off of spiritual highs. And obviously, but I'm in this, 758 00:39:03,200 --> 00:39:04,840 I'm out of the homeless shelter God provided. 759 00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,680 Like we made it, we're good. And then I get hit with custody 760 00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:11,040 paperwork from Jason's dad and he hasn't seen his dad at that 761 00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:13,040 point in like 3 years. And I was like. 762 00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:15,080 Oh, come on. Yeah. 763 00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:18,120 Yeah, we just can we just breathe for a minute, you know? 764 00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:21,760 And so, so that was like hard, I mean, cuz like I mentioned how 765 00:39:21,760 --> 00:39:24,200 dark our past was, you know, and I didn't want to see him. 766 00:39:24,400 --> 00:39:27,480 And Jason has quite a past, you know, with that whole scenario, 767 00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:30,000 like at that woman's conference, I talked about like, you know, 768 00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:36,640 him being abused in his life and like speaking on that during 769 00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:39,200 that time, God provided peace, like immense peace. 770 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:41,600 And I was married at the time. So I just remember I was we were 771 00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:47,360 living in our house at the time. And I just remember thinking 772 00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:51,720 nothing but forgiveness for the abuser, which is wild because 773 00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:57,320 you know old Shawnee would have like gone to jail or or been 774 00:39:57,320 --> 00:40:01,320 super immature and super hateful but instead like. 775 00:40:01,720 --> 00:40:04,600 Going through that whole court process, I was able to like look 776 00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:07,360 and be like, hey, I hope you find Jesus. 777 00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:09,640 You know, like that's something that I could have never done on 778 00:40:09,640 --> 00:40:12,360 my own. So like all this trauma coming 779 00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:15,520 up and then bam, custody paperwork after we just make it 780 00:40:15,520 --> 00:40:19,840 out and I feel growth and I'm terrified because I'm like, and 781 00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:23,400 I'm in a fight for his soul almost that I feel like. 782 00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:28,200 And so for that whole, you know, we just finished the court case 783 00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:32,640 actually it was worrying and it was the enemy's schemes where it 784 00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:33,320 was trying. To keep you. 785 00:40:33,320 --> 00:40:37,120 Distracted, yes, and that's what another pastor at my church 786 00:40:37,120 --> 00:40:39,280 sheet the other day was like, you know, the enemy really loves 787 00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:42,080 to get in our heads because you can't further the Kingdom of the 788 00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:44,800 Lord if you're constantly distracted. 789 00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:48,920 And I'm like, I know because I've, I've let him do it for too 790 00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:50,920 long and then it's kind of like now it's personal. 791 00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:53,080 Like now please, you know, like now I'm mad. 792 00:40:55,320 --> 00:41:00,880 But we get out of there and it feels good to not obviously be 793 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:03,640 in a homeless shelter anymore. Not that I'm saying I have it 794 00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:05,520 all together. Not I'm still in a spot where 795 00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:08,240 I'm unsure, but like, I don't know what's going to happen. 796 00:41:08,240 --> 00:41:12,440 I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I do know he does. 797 00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:15,200 And that's better than anything for me because it's there's been 798 00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:17,600 decisions that I've had to make this past year. 799 00:41:18,480 --> 00:41:20,720 And there would be times where I wasn't moving. 800 00:41:20,720 --> 00:41:23,120 I was like praying until I moved. 801 00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:25,480 And it got to a point where I was like, I need to move in 802 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:30,280 faith until he tells me stop, you know, because it got to 803 00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:32,600 where I was complacent, just sitting there, not like I was 804 00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:34,560 working and stuff, you know, because I've been cleaning 805 00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:36,760 houses and like working and then whatever. 806 00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:40,800 But I didn't want to make decisions without him physically 807 00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,840 talking to me. And so Alexis, they got so weird 808 00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:46,680 that I was like praying and I was like, Jesus, like, I know 809 00:41:46,680 --> 00:41:49,000 you're here, but can you just like give me some signals? 810 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:54,080 Like when I'm praying to you and you've, you know, are wanting to 811 00:41:54,080 --> 00:41:57,080 like we're whatever, talking or hashing things out in my head. 812 00:41:58,440 --> 00:42:00,160 Can you just like give me goosebumps all over? 813 00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:02,760 So I know like you're right here talking to me, you know? 814 00:42:03,280 --> 00:42:05,680 And so it's funny because when I sat in here, I completely felt 815 00:42:05,680 --> 00:42:08,560 goosebumps just on my body. And I was like, OK, Holy 816 00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:12,520 Spirit's here, but I also had moments where I would be begging 817 00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:16,960 him like, Hey, if you see me like and have people like speak 818 00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:19,560 something to me that, you know, I need to hear because I don't 819 00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:21,520 even know what I need to hear because I don't At the end of it 820 00:42:21,520 --> 00:42:24,680 all, it's like, it's like a baby, you know, like you get 821 00:42:24,680 --> 00:42:27,400 saved and you're a baby. Got to learn starting and you're 822 00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:30,000 learning. And I'm still fully dependent on 823 00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:32,560 him. But it's dying to my flesh 824 00:42:32,560 --> 00:42:35,360 constantly has been a battle. And then that's like for me, you 825 00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:40,920 know, I talked about at that conference learning to not be 826 00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:42,880 perfect and like, it's OK, not be perfect. 827 00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:45,120 Like you're becoming, you're not arriving. 828 00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:47,600 You're not arriving until you're at heaven. 829 00:42:47,600 --> 00:42:50,720 Like that's arriving, right? But you're becoming and you're 830 00:42:50,720 --> 00:42:52,240 constantly becoming until you arrive. 831 00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:56,120 And for me, it's, I would put pressure on myself, like, Oh, 832 00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:58,240 well, I remember trying to work it out. 833 00:42:58,240 --> 00:43:00,120 My marriage. Well, I need to do all these 834 00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:01,400 things and have all these feelings. 835 00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:03,520 And then at some point, the Lord's like, you don't have to 836 00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:05,360 do anything. Like, I'll provide that if 837 00:43:05,360 --> 00:43:07,280 that's my will. Like, I'm going to give you 838 00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:08,280 everything you need. Yeah. 839 00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:11,760 You know which I love. Scrolling back a little bit, 840 00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:14,520 when you were talking about when you were, you know, you said 841 00:43:14,520 --> 00:43:17,240 it's crazy, but technically about the goosebumps and stuff 842 00:43:17,240 --> 00:43:18,440 like that. I'll talk about that a lot. 843 00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:21,760 And it's basically a fleece. And in the Old Testament talks 844 00:43:21,760 --> 00:43:25,120 about, you know, throwing the fleece and getting like, I 845 00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:27,800 explained it to my high schoolers as like a passcode 846 00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:32,160 with God. Like you say, God, if this is 847 00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:34,800 your will, if this, if I know that I'm going in the right 848 00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:39,880 direction, let me see a Penguin with a Santa hat on I-75. 849 00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:43,760 You know what I'm saying? Like something that is only that 850 00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:47,240 you and God knows and test them like he says. 851 00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:50,520 Now listen, don't, don't, don't think I'm out here. 852 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:52,240 I did read it. I don't know where I read it, 853 00:43:52,240 --> 00:43:55,480 but it was like test him and he will reveal himself to you. 854 00:43:55,480 --> 00:43:57,760 OK, now, I'm not saying all the time. 855 00:43:57,760 --> 00:44:00,600 I'm not sure about the logistics and how that works. 856 00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:03,040 I'm just saying I did read it and it isn't there. 857 00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:06,240 And it's like God will reveal himself to you If you ask for 858 00:44:06,240 --> 00:44:08,600 those things. He will show you that you're on 859 00:44:08,600 --> 00:44:10,560 the right path. He says that he makes our paths 860 00:44:10,560 --> 00:44:13,520 straight and what is it? The lamp into your feet. 861 00:44:13,520 --> 00:44:17,680 So each step is like the mana. He shows you just enough to keep 862 00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:21,160 walking, like keep going. And so it's just good. 863 00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:21,880 That's. Good girl. 864 00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:26,240 And he does reveal himself and it might take a clap more days 865 00:44:26,240 --> 00:44:29,240 or a couple years time you want, you know, like my 6 year old 866 00:44:29,240 --> 00:44:31,520 currently is telling me all the things he's praying for and he's 867 00:44:31,640 --> 00:44:36,400 like, mom, it's not happening. And I'm like, buddy, it might 868 00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:38,280 not. It might be a no, it might be a 869 00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:40,600 yes or it might be a later yeah or. 870 00:44:41,240 --> 00:44:43,000 But right now here's some other things that you can pray for 871 00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:45,880 them in the in the meantime of because what I've learned even 872 00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:48,440 going through everything is praying for God to change my 873 00:44:48,440 --> 00:44:53,640 heart because there's been times where I have been letting Satan 874 00:44:54,600 --> 00:45:00,000 play victimhood in my head or where it's anger or bitterness. 875 00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:03,200 And those plates, there's those things have no place in my 876 00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:05,440 heart. And I need to keep every single 877 00:45:05,440 --> 00:45:09,040 day that posture like when that starts up, you know, it's so 878 00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:12,120 easy. Like even now at our age, like 879 00:45:12,240 --> 00:45:15,760 somebody could come up with some gossip and we're like, Oh, you 880 00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:19,880 got to constantly like it is doing it until it's it's like a 881 00:45:19,880 --> 00:45:22,160 nature for you. And it's hard when you lived a 882 00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:25,960 life so long thinking, oh, I'm a Christian and I go to church and 883 00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:29,640 that's it, you know, like real faith is hard work, man. 884 00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:33,520 Like, it's not, it's sometimes it's you, you crying all the 885 00:45:33,520 --> 00:45:37,040 time because you're so mad that you can't just kick something, 886 00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:40,240 you know, and. Which that's that's what the 887 00:45:40,240 --> 00:45:44,800 like theme of this is a today as I'm sitting here and just 888 00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:47,320 hearing like you've given your life to Christ, you knew of 889 00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:49,600 Christ. There is still hard times. 890 00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:51,840 There are still going to be so many times. 891 00:45:51,840 --> 00:45:54,320 We're in these valleys, we're in these deserts. 892 00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:58,920 We have no idea. But when we know who God is and 893 00:45:58,920 --> 00:46:01,320 that he always provides, he always is there. 894 00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:07,080 Yesterday, my devotion was like when you get on a plane, right? 895 00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:11,760 And they say the the rules like if the planes arts cut down or 896 00:46:11,760 --> 00:46:14,880 whatever, know where your exits are, put your mask on 1st, stay 897 00:46:14,880 --> 00:46:16,880 seated in your own seat. All this up. 898 00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:19,880 And they tell you this and you hear it over and over again when 899 00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:22,160 you get on there. But you know what to do as soon 900 00:46:22,160 --> 00:46:25,800 as turbulence hit, when turbulence hits in our life, 901 00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:30,160 know what to do steadfast. Put your mask on for yourself 902 00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:32,680 first. You can't fix people around you. 903 00:46:32,680 --> 00:46:35,720 Worry about yourself, you know, stay in your own seats. 904 00:46:35,720 --> 00:46:41,520 It's like stay in your lane and just like through this, you 905 00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:44,000 know, you've seen turbulence like we've heard it in this 906 00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:45,480 last. You know, there's been 907 00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:48,120 turbulence in your life, but you steadfast like you. 908 00:46:48,120 --> 00:46:50,680 It took you a little bit, right? We ran the other way. 909 00:46:50,680 --> 00:46:54,040 But now you're still going through trials, you're still 910 00:46:54,040 --> 00:46:56,240 going through things. But he's still providing. 911 00:46:56,240 --> 00:46:59,160 He's still there. So many, there's so many people 912 00:46:59,160 --> 00:47:03,360 I see where they have, you know, I guess they would say it's a 913 00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:05,920 relationship with God. But once turbulence happened, 914 00:47:06,040 --> 00:47:11,960 like screw it, like, you know, and I do believe, like fully 915 00:47:11,960 --> 00:47:15,840 believe all the bad things that we go through or that the enemy 916 00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:19,760 uses 1000% is used for his glory at the end of the day. 917 00:47:19,760 --> 00:47:22,200 Like no matter what I go through at the even if it's like the 918 00:47:22,200 --> 00:47:25,080 worst thing possible, you know, and I think like one of the 919 00:47:25,080 --> 00:47:30,320 things part of the women's conference that I was, I was so 920 00:47:30,320 --> 00:47:33,440 nervous. Let me tell you, because I had 921 00:47:33,440 --> 00:47:36,760 this all slide, this slide show. And I kept thinking like I was 922 00:47:36,760 --> 00:47:39,160 praying, what if this isn't what you want me to do? 923 00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:41,640 Like you tell me when I'm up there, you change it, you know, 924 00:47:41,640 --> 00:47:44,320 however you want. But I was so nervous. 925 00:47:44,320 --> 00:47:48,360 I forgot a few things on there. And the biggest thing for me is 926 00:47:51,200 --> 00:47:54,440 like praying mad for a while was really hard there. 927 00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:57,080 I would call on crying and I'm like, I love Jesus, but I can't 928 00:47:57,080 --> 00:47:59,320 even open my Bible. I'm so angry, you know, like, 929 00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:03,360 and I think that as, you know, as Christians, we don't 930 00:48:03,680 --> 00:48:07,120 sometimes I think we fail at painting a picture of how hard 931 00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:10,440 spiritual warfare is and how to fight it effectively, you know, 932 00:48:10,440 --> 00:48:15,600 and how sometimes it's OK to be disheartened, but it's not OK to 933 00:48:15,600 --> 00:48:17,760 give up on your faith or or not pray, but you can still pray. 934 00:48:17,760 --> 00:48:19,440 But pray mad. Like that's what I tell Avery 935 00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:20,760 all the time. Like he's angry right now 936 00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:22,920 because the divorce, he's going through it, you know, and so 937 00:48:22,920 --> 00:48:25,240 he's angry at everything. I feel like, and I'm like, 938 00:48:25,720 --> 00:48:26,880 you're mad, but you need to pray. 939 00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:31,880 And we actually just in church, our pastor is preaching on Jonah 940 00:48:31,880 --> 00:48:34,160 like Nineveh. Girl, this is so crazy. 941 00:48:34,160 --> 00:48:36,680 Hang on, hang on. So Jess came on. 942 00:48:37,920 --> 00:48:39,520 Gabe's wife. Jess came on. 943 00:48:39,520 --> 00:48:41,200 Yes. No, no, no, no. 944 00:48:41,200 --> 00:48:43,200 Gabe's wife, the pastor's wife cock. 945 00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:45,080 Stop, stop. So she comes on. 946 00:48:45,080 --> 00:48:46,440 She's talking about Jonah, right? 947 00:48:46,560 --> 00:48:50,000 She's telling us all about it. Then Jess and Brandon come on 948 00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:52,720 and they're talking about Jonah. I'm telling y'all we pulling for 949 00:48:52,720 --> 00:48:55,360 the Grove right now? Obviously I'm I'm in my Grove 950 00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:56,600 phase. Listen. 951 00:48:57,440 --> 00:48:59,960 But yeah, special yes, they got it going on. 952 00:48:59,960 --> 00:49:04,160 They do, but you know, he's been preaching on Jonah and Nineveh 953 00:49:04,160 --> 00:49:07,440 and like, how scared or what in a grown up always thought 954 00:49:07,800 --> 00:49:09,880 Jonah's just scared to go because they're bad people. 955 00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:10,960 He's scared he's gonna get killed. 956 00:49:10,960 --> 00:49:13,760 That was that perception Bible story version, you know. 957 00:49:14,240 --> 00:49:16,600 But now obviously we're going through it and deep diving and 958 00:49:16,600 --> 00:49:21,240 like how Jonah prayed at the end, like he didn't think God. 959 00:49:21,360 --> 00:49:23,440 Obviously he's like, hey, look, I knew you were going to do 960 00:49:23,440 --> 00:49:24,560 this. I knew you're going to forgive 961 00:49:24,560 --> 00:49:26,360 him. That's why I don't want to come 962 00:49:26,360 --> 00:49:27,600 here. Like they don't deserve it. 963 00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:30,960 And Gabe on stage last Sunday was like, if you want God to 964 00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:33,520 think and act like you like that, you don't want God, you 965 00:49:33,520 --> 00:49:37,240 want to you want a pedestal and not God at that point of view. 966 00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:41,160 And so like, it really had me reflecting like, yeah, how many 967 00:49:41,160 --> 00:49:44,720 times in my life have I or do I tend to still sometimes think 968 00:49:44,720 --> 00:49:47,160 like, hey, by now I feel like you should have done this. 969 00:49:47,160 --> 00:49:51,080 Like ultimately should be like, hey, whatever you want, is it 970 00:49:51,080 --> 00:49:52,080 fine? Don't care. 971 00:49:52,080 --> 00:49:55,720 It's yours, you know, but this year I've had to really give up 972 00:49:55,720 --> 00:49:59,000 on not even give up, but I guess let go and surrender a few 973 00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:02,720 dreams to him. Like there's things that, you 974 00:50:02,720 --> 00:50:06,000 know, I've prayed for jobs that were better so I could breathe 975 00:50:06,000 --> 00:50:09,920 or and not, you know, constantly work until 8:30 at night, you 976 00:50:09,920 --> 00:50:12,760 know, and just little things that I feel like would make my 977 00:50:12,760 --> 00:50:14,840 life a little bit easier right now because I feel like I'm 978 00:50:14,840 --> 00:50:19,040 still going through some things. And I was like, I want to save 979 00:50:19,840 --> 00:50:21,280 doing all these things to buy a house. 980 00:50:21,280 --> 00:50:24,640 And then it got to the point where I was like idolizing that 981 00:50:24,640 --> 00:50:28,120 without knowing I was idolizing that then. 982 00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:31,800 And when it wasn't happening, it was like disappointment. 983 00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:36,240 And then finally I just was, I think one day I was taught I was 984 00:50:36,240 --> 00:50:38,400 at church and then I left there and I was really thinking and 985 00:50:38,400 --> 00:50:40,240 like, you know, of what Jesus has done. 986 00:50:40,240 --> 00:50:42,800 And I was like, OK, I don't have to buy a house right now. 987 00:50:42,800 --> 00:50:45,720 Like it's your plan if that's not what he has in store. 988 00:50:46,080 --> 00:50:50,280 And, you know, I told you guys at the Renew and Restore Women's 989 00:50:50,280 --> 00:50:53,240 conference, I was terrified, like shaking. 990 00:50:53,240 --> 00:50:55,920 And I'm like, I love to talk to people. 991 00:50:55,920 --> 00:50:58,440 I love people. When I get on a stage with Jesus 992 00:50:58,440 --> 00:51:01,040 about anything, when she's yeah, I get scared because I'm like, I 993 00:51:01,040 --> 00:51:03,280 don't want to mess it up. I don't want to say anything. 994 00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:08,040 Yeah, out of the way. It's, it's him, you know, So I'm 995 00:51:08,040 --> 00:51:11,960 like driving there praying the whole time, like shaking, you 996 00:51:11,960 --> 00:51:15,960 know, but I end up doing it sitting down 'cause I'm shaking. 997 00:51:15,960 --> 00:51:19,520 But anyways, it's just on the way there. 998 00:51:19,520 --> 00:51:23,360 Jesus really revealed to me all these hard things that I've gone 999 00:51:23,360 --> 00:51:28,960 through that I've wanted Him to get out, You know, the miracle 1000 00:51:28,960 --> 00:51:31,040 alone in it is that I'm still standing in it. 1001 00:51:31,360 --> 00:51:33,800 That's it. Like He has supported me, He has 1002 00:51:33,800 --> 00:51:35,960 provided, even though I don't physically feel him or 1003 00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:38,160 physically see Him. There's no other way that I 1004 00:51:38,160 --> 00:51:44,000 could have made that out without serious issues or you know, so 1005 00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:46,040 that's the miracle on that and and whatever. 1006 00:51:46,040 --> 00:51:50,080 And I did tell Jesus like on the way to that conference, because 1007 00:51:50,080 --> 00:51:53,000 it was a long drive and I was constantly talking to him and I 1008 00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:57,000 was like, listen, if I have to go through all of this and even 1009 00:51:57,000 --> 00:52:01,000 more and even more difficult, if it means that I get to do this 1010 00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:04,120 kind of stuff and, and glorify your name, if that's what you're 1011 00:52:04,120 --> 00:52:07,440 doing in this, that's it. Like give it to me because like 1012 00:52:07,440 --> 00:52:10,400 my biggest fear, and this is so funny because that everybody 1013 00:52:10,400 --> 00:52:12,920 calls me a hypochondriac, which no, I'm not, thank you, Jesus. 1014 00:52:12,920 --> 00:52:15,960 I had jokes on them. The Lord delivered me, but used 1015 00:52:15,960 --> 00:52:19,360 to be cancer and it would always like my purse would be like 1016 00:52:19,360 --> 00:52:22,120 rebuking cancer, you know, like that was always a little thing 1017 00:52:22,120 --> 00:52:24,480 that I would add in because I was so scared and thought I 1018 00:52:24,480 --> 00:52:26,120 always tell him like, please don't, please don't. 1019 00:52:26,120 --> 00:52:28,240 And finally, in that moment on that drive to Cochrane, I was 1020 00:52:28,240 --> 00:52:32,400 like, if that's what it takes for you to move me in your 1021 00:52:32,400 --> 00:52:34,560 direction, like you just have everything. 1022 00:52:34,600 --> 00:52:38,360 Like honestly, that was full surrender for me because I would 1023 00:52:38,360 --> 00:52:40,280 have never been like, hey, if that's. 1024 00:52:40,280 --> 00:52:41,480 That's what it is. Don't. 1025 00:52:41,480 --> 00:52:43,480 But like, that was always a fear of mine because you have kids, 1026 00:52:43,480 --> 00:52:47,720 you're scared to leave them, you know, And I just at that moment 1027 00:52:47,720 --> 00:52:50,640 knew like, OK, well, if I have to suffer through some things, 1028 00:52:50,680 --> 00:52:54,640 you know, and obviously the consequences that I've had to go 1029 00:52:54,640 --> 00:52:58,120 through because of my actions or decisions, it's still being used 1030 00:52:58,120 --> 00:53:00,840 for good. I said that that's that's the 1031 00:53:00,840 --> 00:53:02,480 point. That is so. 1032 00:53:02,760 --> 00:53:07,280 So as we get ready to close, I'm going to give you 3 options. 1033 00:53:07,280 --> 00:53:09,200 OK? Yesterday when I was recording, 1034 00:53:09,440 --> 00:53:11,200 I literally forgot my three options. 1035 00:53:11,200 --> 00:53:14,000 I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm like on the spot. 1036 00:53:14,240 --> 00:53:17,600 Anyway, so option number one is maybe you were on the way here 1037 00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:20,520 today and you're like, I really want to say this one thing. 1038 00:53:20,520 --> 00:53:22,720 I want to talk about this, but I haven't gave you the chance to 1039 00:53:22,720 --> 00:53:26,520 do so. Two, maybe a piece of advice to 1040 00:53:26,520 --> 00:53:29,240 someone or three, what is something that God's more 1041 00:53:29,240 --> 00:53:32,240 revealed to you more recently? Like you learned and you know, 1042 00:53:32,240 --> 00:53:35,960 this is how other people learn. We learned something and then 1043 00:53:35,960 --> 00:53:37,800 we're like, let me tell you what I just learned. 1044 00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:39,080 We're not supposed to keep it to ourselves. 1045 00:53:39,080 --> 00:53:41,800 So how would you like out of those three things to end this 1046 00:53:41,800 --> 00:53:44,920 today? I think advice, OK, because I 1047 00:53:44,920 --> 00:53:47,600 think this is a theme that I keep telling myself because like 1048 00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:49,760 I said with Avery, he's angry all the time. 1049 00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:53,160 And there's moments where I'm still like, trying to die to my 1050 00:53:53,160 --> 00:53:54,600 flesh. Like, you know, the enemy comes 1051 00:53:54,600 --> 00:53:56,480 up and then you're dealing with it and you're like, oh, wait, I 1052 00:53:56,480 --> 00:53:57,680 forgot. Let me put it back down, you 1053 00:53:57,680 --> 00:54:03,240 know, not even like anger or just like disappointment. 1054 00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:05,600 Like I, I told you earlier, like I had times where I was like not 1055 00:54:05,600 --> 00:54:07,720 wanting to open my Bible because when I would read it, it would 1056 00:54:07,720 --> 00:54:09,960 say all these things and you know, Jesus was talking to the 1057 00:54:09,960 --> 00:54:11,640 disciples and he would say, don't worry. 1058 00:54:11,640 --> 00:54:14,160 And I'm like, I am asking you to help me not worry. 1059 00:54:14,160 --> 00:54:17,600 So like, where are you in it? But in those moments, I guess my 1060 00:54:17,600 --> 00:54:20,440 biggest piece of advice is like, if you're angry, pray angry. 1061 00:54:20,440 --> 00:54:23,840 If you're sad, pray sad. Like just pray because the 1062 00:54:23,840 --> 00:54:26,840 moment that you stop communicating or you stop not 1063 00:54:26,840 --> 00:54:29,240 saying that he disappears. He doesn't, but you're not 1064 00:54:29,720 --> 00:54:33,120 receiving anything back. Like you're constantly shutting. 1065 00:54:33,120 --> 00:54:34,160 You're shutting him out at that point. 1066 00:54:34,600 --> 00:54:39,040 So just pray angry, pray sad, pray discouraged, pray whatever 1067 00:54:39,040 --> 00:54:40,640 you're doing. Just pray, you know, and it 1068 00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:43,560 doesn't always have to be elaborate, like my prayers are 1069 00:54:43,880 --> 00:54:45,800 right here. Elaborate, but pray. 1070 00:54:46,200 --> 00:54:48,520 And he's your dad. Like, talk to him, you know? 1071 00:54:49,080 --> 00:54:50,960 I love it. This has been so good. 1072 00:54:50,960 --> 00:54:55,480 I'm so glad that you decided to come on and guess and just share 1073 00:54:55,480 --> 00:54:58,240 what God has done in your life because this is what it's all 1074 00:54:58,240 --> 00:55:00,480 about. Like being being able to help 1075 00:55:00,480 --> 00:55:04,200 other people that feel like they don't have hope and just give 1076 00:55:04,200 --> 00:55:07,360 them hope. So I hope you guys have enjoyed 1077 00:55:07,360 --> 00:55:10,640 this as much as I have and make sure you like rage, comment, 1078 00:55:10,640 --> 00:55:12,840 share, like all that good stuff, you know, whatever. 1079 00:55:13,120 --> 00:55:16,200 But that's not the main focus. But it is always nice, you know? 1080 00:55:16,560 --> 00:55:19,480 Anyway, stay tuned, stay blessed, and we'll see you guys 1081 00:55:19,480 --> 00:55:20,360 later. Bye.