1 00:00:01,320 --> 00:00:03,560 What's up guys? My name is Alexis Brown. 2 00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:06,360 You're a host of traces in the pot and I am stoked to have 3 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:09,600 Jordan Statser with us today. We are going to be talking about 4 00:00:09,600 --> 00:00:12,720 a lot of things and one of the things may be the trigger 5 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:16,320 warning, which is infant loss. So if you are currently dealing 6 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:18,600 with something like this or maybe this is a little bit 7 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:21,880 heavier than what you normally would like to listen to, you 8 00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:25,200 know, we want to be praying for you and everybody that listens 9 00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:27,640 to something like this. And we just know that people are 10 00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,400 in different spots. So we are going to start out in 11 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:31,960 prayer and then we're going to jump right in. 12 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,680 Lord Heavenly Father, thank you for today. 13 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:36,280 Thank you for all your many blessings. 14 00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:40,000 Dear God, thank you for allowing Jordan to come on and share her 15 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,920 and Ivy's story. Lord, we pray that you speak to 16 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,840 us and through us and let this story glorify you. 17 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:47,720 In Jesus name I pray. Amen. 18 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:51,000 Amen. All right girl, so let's just 19 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,680 jump right in. When do you and Tyler meet? 20 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:56,200 And Tyler is her husband. So when do y'all meet and when 21 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:57,800 what? Happens when I actually met 22 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,040 Tyler whenever I was in high school. 23 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:03,800 I was probably 13 or 14. Oh wow, yeah. 24 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:05,239 So y'all have known each other a long time. 25 00:01:05,239 --> 00:01:10,240 We have, he definitely, we knew each other, but his best friend 26 00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:13,240 lived across the street from me and our parents were good 27 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:14,760 friends. So I would always go to his best 28 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:17,400 friend's house and he would be there, that kind of thing. 29 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:21,200 But it was never like a hey, we're hanging out in a setting. 30 00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:23,640 So he would see me there and that was that. 31 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:28,480 So he knew of me basically. But we, you know, he went 32 00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:29,440 through high school, he graduated. 33 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:32,120 He was a senior when I was a freshman, so he graduated. 34 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,880 Oh, I didn't know y'all have AH difference. 35 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:37,200 I didn't know that. I mean it's not big or anything 36 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,960 but I didn't know that. OK, cool. 37 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:42,600 So he definitely was not looking at me in a romantic way at all. 38 00:01:43,760 --> 00:01:45,840 That's good. I was very awkward with braces 39 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:47,080 and just. Yeah. 40 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:51,160 So he graduated and I, you know, obviously went through high 41 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:54,520 school. Then I went off to cosmetology 42 00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:57,560 school in Statesboro. I wanted the college experience. 43 00:01:57,560 --> 00:01:58,600 I got to live with my best friend. 44 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,200 It was great. I spent a year there and then I 45 00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:05,840 came back after I graduated and Tyler was living here and he 46 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:10,199 posted an Instagram story and I just was like, I kind of forgot 47 00:02:10,199 --> 00:02:10,680 he. Existed. 48 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:12,160 I wonder. What he's up to and I clicked on 49 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:15,080 his page and accidentally like to picture from 2014. 50 00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:16,880 And that'll do it and. That'll do it. 51 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:20,720 So then three days after that, he messaged me on Instagram and 52 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,480 we've basically been with each other every single day since 53 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:24,200 that. But yeah. 54 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:27,800 And that was during COVID. So it was 2020, May of 2020 when 55 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:30,880 we started dating. I got engaged in August of 2021. 56 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,800 When we started dating, we neither of us were going to 57 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,000 church. I never went to church in 58 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,120 college. He hadn't been going to church 59 00:02:36,120 --> 00:02:41,760 for years at that point. And we, you know, that was that 60 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,040 we were just dating. We got married. 61 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:44,920 We did marriage counseling with Jay Ray. 62 00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,920 And that was really great. You know, that kind of helped us 63 00:02:47,920 --> 00:02:49,920 a little bit and we would go to church every now and then with 64 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:54,120 his parents, but we were never like there every Sunday or 65 00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:56,560 anything like that. It was more so just if we felt 66 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:59,720 like it or if we got invited and we wanted to, we would go. 67 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,440 But we did not have that routine. 68 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:05,560 OK, so you get married and you instantly get pregnant. 69 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:06,720 Instantly. Instantly. 70 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,240 OK. We went on our honeymoon and I 71 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,040 think it was the day, maybe two days after I got back from my 72 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:15,400 honeymoon, I had a birth control implant and I got that removed. 73 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,360 And they told me they were like, it'll take, you know, nine 74 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:19,880 months to a year before you can get pregnant. 75 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,680 Like you've, you know, you have this birth control implant. 76 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,560 Wow, who's got it taken out when? 77 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:28,320 I think a couple days after our honeymoon and I got pregnant the 78 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,120 same day that I. Yeah. 79 00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:33,360 That's great because we were told it was going to take a 80 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:34,520 while. I'm like, well, we want to have 81 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,360 kids. And we might as well start now, 82 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,400 you know? Well, and Tyler, he had this 83 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,680 thing, he has since changed his mind, but he had this thing 84 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,720 where he's like, I need to have all my kids before I'm 30 and he 85 00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:46,160 was 26 when we got married. So he's like, we need to get 86 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:47,440 started if it's going to take a year. 87 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:51,920 But yeah, we got pregnant like right after our honeymoon. 88 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:56,600 So we went from being married or engaged, married and then 89 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,360 immediately pregnant, which can be a lot for in the first year 90 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,640 marriage, the first year marriage you go through so much. 91 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:05,400 And so adding in those hormones and pregnancy like it was a lot 92 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,760 and I had a very high risk pregnancy. 93 00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:10,720 From the start you I already knew that. 94 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:14,720 Not necessarily from I was having issues, but they I felt 95 00:04:14,720 --> 00:04:17,680 like it was never like we didn't know what the issues were. 96 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,920 I was just, I was really uncomfortable. 97 00:04:19,920 --> 00:04:22,079 I was really struggling and I wasn't that far along. 98 00:04:22,079 --> 00:04:25,200 And so everyone's like, oh, you think it's hard now, You just 99 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,680 wait. And so I kind of swept a lot of 100 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:31,880 the issues I was having under the rug because I, if you know 101 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,960 me from a child, I have been described as dramatic. 102 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:39,040 So I was like, I'm not. Maybe I'm being dramatic, maybe 103 00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:41,680 maybe I am crazy. Maybe there isn't anything 104 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,600 wrong. Maybe this is just pregnancy and 105 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,880 I am a wimp. Yeah, yeah, I really struggled. 106 00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,040 And then doing hair, working on my feet all day every day. 107 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:54,000 My body was just hurting. I was in so much pain all the 108 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,640 time. So in my first trimester I had 109 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:01,400 what they call subchorionic hematoma, which is basically 110 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:03,560 from my understanding. I don't know if this is 111 00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:05,000 accurate. I'm not any doctors are 112 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:07,200 listening. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty 113 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,600 sure it's basically just kind of like a blood blister on your 114 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,480 placenta. OK, Question mark. 115 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:14,280 Question mark. Yeah. 116 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:19,400 But it causes bleeding. And so any, like, if I walked a 117 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,200 lot, saw my feet a lot, I would bleed. 118 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:24,400 And that was really scary because you're not supposed to 119 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:26,680 bleed when you're pregnant. They basically told me they're 120 00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:28,800 like, either something's going to happen and you won't be 121 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:32,160 pregnant anymore, or it'll just heal itself. 122 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,360 There's only those two options. And there's nothing to help it. 123 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:37,960 It was just it 100%. It's got to be on its. 124 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,080 Own and I was too early. They were like, we can't put you 125 00:05:40,080 --> 00:05:42,200 on bed rest, you're only 8 weeks or whatever. 126 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:44,680 And so they're like you just have to keep living your life, 127 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:47,680 try and take it easy, which can be hard when you do hair and you 128 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:50,720 work on your feet all day. So that was a struggle and I was 129 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,880 just so paranoid. But it did eventually heal 130 00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:57,560 itself so I was very thankful. And then I made it into my 131 00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:03,600 second trimester and 2nd trimester, everyone says, oh, 132 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,080 you're going to feel great. Like that's when everything gets 133 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:08,400 better because I was sick the moment I found out I was 134 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,000 pregnant. I mean, I'm talking the second I 135 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,040 took the test, I was throwing up. 136 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,120 Oh my God, I lost 30 lbs with that pregnancy. 137 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:19,840 I never gained any weight. So that was another struggle. 138 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:23,160 So got to the second trimester. We did the anatomy scan at 20 139 00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,440 weeks and she was measuring small. 140 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,880 I was going to come back for an ultrasound at 24 weeks and if 141 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,800 she was still measuring small I'd be sent to a high risk 142 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:34,520 doctor and I ended up delivering it 23 weeks in five days. 143 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,640 Wow. So I never, it was I had her on 144 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,480 a Thursday and my appointment was on Monday. 145 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:41,760 Wow. So yeah. 146 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:45,160 That is extremely, extremely early, yes. 147 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:49,960 And so did you just go into labor or like you went in and 148 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:52,440 they're like, we got a so you went in labor? 149 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:54,920 Yes. So I went to work. 150 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:59,640 It was October 13th and I went to work and I did like three 151 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:02,120 colors that day. And I remember specifically 152 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:05,200 Cami, if you're watching this, I was giving my client Cami a 153 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:10,080 blowout and halfway through I just started having pain and I 154 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,280 kind of bent over and she was like, if you need to take a 155 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:15,120 minute, feel free, like it's OK. And I was like, no, I think it's 156 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,440 just Braxton Hicks because all of the pain that I've been 157 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:20,760 having for the last, I've started having pain probably 158 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,360 around 18 weeks. And everyone just chalked it up 159 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,840 to Braxton Hicks. So while I was doing her 160 00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,640 blowout, I was like, I think it's just Braxton Hicks, it's 161 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:30,240 fine. And so I finish her blowout, 162 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:34,080 whatever, go about my day. I finish up around 3:00. 163 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:38,960 Well, then I leave at 3:00 and I was going to go get a pedicure. 164 00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:42,080 And for some reason I was like, I don't really feel like it. 165 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,920 So I go to my mom's house. She lives right next to the 166 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:49,760 salon that I work at. And I get there and my niece at 167 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,120 the time, she was seven months old and my mom had her and I 168 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,760 wanted to see my niece. That's why I went over there. 169 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:55,920 My mom wasn't there yet. And so I was on the phone with 170 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,080 her and I was like, I've got to pee. 171 00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,280 You know, you're pregnant. You pee all the time. 172 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,400 So I go pee and I lost my mucus plug. 173 00:08:03,240 --> 00:08:05,080 And I'm on the phone with my mom, who's a nurse. 174 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,840 And I'm like, mom, I think I just lost my mucus plug. 175 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,960 She's like, no, you're only 23 weeks. 176 00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,560 You did not lose your mucus plug. 177 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:15,240 It's just discharge. I was like, no, mom, this is, 178 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,440 this doesn't look like discharge. 179 00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,640 Like something's wrong. And so she's like, well, hold 180 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:19,480 on. I'm about to be there. 181 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,480 So she gets home and I show it to her. 182 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,320 She's like, yeah. It looks kind of. 183 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:29,240 Suspicious and so immediately I call my doctor and they don't 184 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,440 answer. So I leave a voicemail and I'm 185 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,480 just kind of waiting around. And in this moment I'm starting 186 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:37,480 to have really bad back pain and I'm just I'm pregnant. 187 00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,440 Yeah, it's another thing like this is normal. 188 00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:42,200 Yep, I'm kind of playing with my niece. 189 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:46,520 I go to pick her up and I almost drop her because my back pain is 190 00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:49,880 just so intense at this moment. And I'm like that's weird. 191 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:52,600 But all these problems I've been having, you know, they say it's 192 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,360 just normal so I'm sure it's nothing. 193 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:59,160 And I felt so calm and anyone that knows me knows I am a spaz. 194 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,200 I freak about everything and so for me to feel calm, I'm like, 195 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,600 it's nothing. Yeah, I just had this piece over 196 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,760 me. Is now like, is it just people 197 00:09:07,760 --> 00:09:10,800 telling you that this is normal or like your doctors at this 198 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:14,280 point had something like? Some, it was more so people that 199 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:16,880 I knew that had been pregnant before, they're like, oh, you're 200 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:19,040 fine. And then the concerns that I 201 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:21,840 have with the doctor, I was too nervous to call every other day 202 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,760 and be like, hey, this is happening. 203 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:26,080 Yeah, even though that's their job and they probably would have 204 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:30,160 preferred that, but I felt so anxious that they were gonna 205 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,680 think that I was overdramatic. Yeah. 206 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,840 So I just was like, OK, it's fine. 207 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,440 Everyone else says it's fine. Then it's fine. 208 00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,240 So I started having the back pain. 209 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,080 I almost dropped my knees. And so at that point, I just 210 00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:44,200 kind of like, lay on my mom's hardwood floor because it was 211 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,160 the only relief I was getting. And the doctor calls me back and 212 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,360 they're like, hey, you probably should just run up to the 213 00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:52,080 women's center at Houston just because that's where they 214 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,720 deliver. And they were like, just to get 215 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,280 checked. You know, they'll probably hook 216 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,920 you up to some machines, but everything's probably fine. 217 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,960 Just go up there just to double check. 218 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:05,400 So I'm like, OK, well, Tyler was working. 219 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:08,600 He usually would work until 3:00, but that day he was doing 220 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,360 a side job with one of his buddies. 221 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:13,040 So he was working. And so I call him and he's like, 222 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,240 well, do I need to come up there? 223 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:16,600 And I was like, no, everything's fine, we're good. 224 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:20,560 I had no worries at all. I was, I genuinely thought that 225 00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,760 I was just going to go up there. They were going to hook me up to 226 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,960 some monitors and send me home. And so I told him, I'm like, 227 00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:27,640 when you finish up, come up here, but don't rush out. 228 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,040 You're fine. But you know, it really is crazy 229 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,760 because you said like normally you're full chaos. 230 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,120 Like at this point you're like, Oh my gosh, what's going on? 231 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,120 But like you already just had the sense of peace like Tyler, 232 00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:39,640 no, it's fine. Like we're. 233 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:40,720 Good. And that is not like me. 234 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:43,640 I'm a very anxious person. I've struggled with anxiety my 235 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,800 whole life. So for me to just be like 236 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,040 everything is fine. Yeah, was really weird. 237 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,120 So before I go, I call my mother-in-law and I'm like, hey, 238 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,280 I don't want to freak you out. I just want to let you know so 239 00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:55,120 that way, you know, you're aware. 240 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:58,040 I'm going to the hospital. I think everything's fine, but I 241 00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:00,400 just wanted to let you know. And she's like, well, do I need 242 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,840 to meet you there? And I was like, no, it's, it's 243 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:04,400 literally fine. Tyler's not even coming. 244 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,360 Well, she happened to be on that side of town. 245 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,680 And so she was like, I'm just going to go anyway. 246 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:13,960 So I get in the car with my mom and once I get in the car, I'm, 247 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:16,720 I'm realizing that I'm having contractions. 248 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:20,200 It's every 5 minutes continuously. 249 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:24,480 I set a timer and I'm very uncomfortable and I'm just, you 250 00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:26,960 know, scared because I'm only 23 weeks pregnant. 251 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,040 You're not supposed to have a baby. 252 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:31,200 Get 23 weeks. So I texted my boss because I 253 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,520 knew I knew I wasn't going to work the next day. 254 00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:35,720 So I just texted her. I was like, hey, I don't really 255 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:38,080 know what's going on, but go ahead and reschedule my clients 256 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:40,720 for the for tomorrow because something's not right. 257 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,760 Yeah. So we get to the hospital and 258 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,600 Michelle, my mother-in-law, is already there. 259 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,880 And so I walk in with my mom and I'm the only person in the 260 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:52,160 waiting room. And I walk up to the front desk 261 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:55,200 and I say, hey, I'm only 23 weeks and I think I lost my 262 00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:58,360 mucus plug. And she said, Do you think or do 263 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,120 you know? Well, I haven't had a baby 264 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:05,760 before so I'm think I did, but my Mama said I did. 265 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,600 Exactly. I was like, I don't really know. 266 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,400 And she's like, we'll just go sit over there, they'll come get 267 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:12,240 you in a minute. So I walked back over to the 268 00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:14,280 waiting area. I sit down because I'm like OK, 269 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,520 whatever, they'll come get me. And my contractions at this 270 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:20,320 point are like every 3 minutes apart and I'm uncomfortable. 271 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,760 So I decided to stand up. And as soon as I stand up I just 272 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:27,360 feel a gush and trigger warning. May get a little. 273 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,360 Graphic may a little Yeah, definitely. 274 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:34,720 So at this point I start to panic because I'm like that I 275 00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,520 didn't just pee myself. I know that felt different. 276 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,560 So my mom's like, we'll go to the bathroom. 277 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:43,280 So I go to the bathroom and for some reason I locked the door. 278 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:47,400 I don't know why I did that, but I go in there and I sit down and 279 00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,600 I look in the toilet and it's just full of blood. 280 00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:53,240 And I mean, it's just, it's a lot. 281 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,840 And it's like all over the floor. 282 00:12:56,040 --> 00:13:00,000 And I just scream. And it's not like a mom. 283 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,280 It was. I've never screamed like that in 284 00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:03,720 my life. I was absolutely terrified. 285 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,040 And so my mom comes running, the door's locked and I'm like 286 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:08,800 frozen in fear. I can't move. 287 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:12,480 And so finally I get up and I unlock the door. 288 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:16,160 At this point, Michelle is called someone over with a 289 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:18,880 wheelchair. They put me in the wheelchair. 290 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:24,000 They take me back and they checked me, my cervix and I'm 7 291 00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,760 centimeters dilated. Wow. 292 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,680 Yeah. So you were not being dramatic. 293 00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,480 No, you were in full labor. I was in full labor and I would 294 00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,600 have been in labor all day during the blowout, everything. 295 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,200 And thank God I didn't go get my nails done because I would have 296 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:39,080 been bleeding on the chair because I'm too scared to tell 297 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:42,800 them that I need to get up. Just sitting there like I we 298 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:46,040 almost died. Yeah, I got to go. 299 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:47,440 Yeah. That's good. 300 00:13:47,440 --> 00:13:50,680 That's good. So at this point they take me 301 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:54,320 back, they checked me and Michelle has called Keith, my 302 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,400 father-in-law and he's like hey, you need to go get Tyler because 303 00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,360 they didn't want to call him and say hey, you need to come to the 304 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:00,960 hospital, something's wrong and him drive. 305 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:04,880 So Keith calls Tyler and it's like hey, what are you doing? 306 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,840 And Tyler's like working. He's like, OK, well, I'm going 307 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:11,200 to come get you. And he's like, what's wrong? 308 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,560 It's like nothing. I just, I'm just going to come 309 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,880 get you. And immediately Tyler hangs up 310 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,960 the phone, gets in the car, drives to the hospital. 311 00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:18,960 Because he knew. Yeah. 312 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:23,400 So I was only in the back for maybe 10-15 minutes before Tyler 313 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,560 got there. I assume that he was driving 100 314 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:32,000 miles an hour, head to bed. So he gets there and he walks in 315 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:37,200 and I, I feel like men don't get enough recognition for like 316 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:40,520 labor, delivery, things like that, especially traumatic 317 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,760 births because he walks in and he sees me just covered in 318 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:46,840 blood. And that was really hard for him 319 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:51,280 because his immediate thought is, Oh my gosh, like my wife, 320 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,920 what's going on? And then second thought, Oh my 321 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:58,000 gosh, my baby, what's going on? So at this point, they're like, 322 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,080 you're in labor, we're going to give you magnesium to try and 323 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,360 stop your labor. And magnesium is awful. 324 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:07,400 If anyone's ever been on a magnesium drip, I commend you. 325 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,640 It is awful, Makes you feel terrible. 326 00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:13,240 It made me super, super hot and I was shaking like like 327 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,240 uncontrollable shaking. Like at first I thought I was 328 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,640 having like a seizure. I'm like, OK, you gave me too 329 00:15:18,640 --> 00:15:21,760 much, something's wrong. But that's just a side effect 330 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:26,520 and it just makes you super hot. I wonder like, because if 331 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:29,880 you're, if you lost all that blood, you've done the mucus 332 00:15:29,880 --> 00:15:32,200 plug and stuff like I wouldn't think that they would be able to 333 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:36,120 stop like want to stop that is that I mean, that was that was 334 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,640 just what they said I. Think that they were all because 335 00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:41,840 the house that was Houston and I think that they were definitely 336 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,320 not expecting that and that's not something that is a common 337 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,760 occurrence and they had no idea why it was happening. 338 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,080 So I think in their mind they're like, we just got to stop labor. 339 00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,200 So they put me on a chair or not a chair, a table and flipped me 340 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:55,840 upside down to hopefully stop bleeding. 341 00:15:55,880 --> 00:16:02,120 So my legs are above my head and I'm just panicking, freaking 342 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:05,840 out. And Tyler at this point, he's 343 00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,640 he's not doing good. He's his whole body turns white 344 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:10,200 and he has to sit down. They had to go get him a juice 345 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:13,240 like he was, he was freaking out, understandably so, yes. 346 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:17,960 So at this point they're like, we can't stop labor. 347 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,560 And so they asked me, they're like, do you want us to take 348 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,000 life saving measures for your child? 349 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:26,480 And without a second thought, I'm like, yeah, yeah, do 350 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:30,720 everything you can. And while I'm in labor, while 351 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:32,360 I'm freaking out, they're like, well, we just want to let you 352 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,520 know she's she's not going to have a good life. 353 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:38,040 She's going to live the life of a vegetable and she's she's 354 00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,680 probably not going to make it. And I said, I don't care. 355 00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,240 Yeah, do what you have to do. Absolutely. 356 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:47,440 So at this point, they wheel me to a labor and delivery room. 357 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:52,160 So I get in there and they realized quickly there's there's 358 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:55,640 probably 40 people like help surrounding you because there's 359 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:57,240 so many people that just are trying to help. 360 00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:00,320 And we got there right around maybe 536. 361 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,960 It was right before shift change. 362 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,240 So I've got day shift and I've got night shift. 363 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:08,640 They're all pitching in to try and help because they, I mean. 364 00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,240 What do you do? So we're in the labor and 365 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:14,960 delivery room and I'm about to start pushing and they pull out 366 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:20,079 dresses, white dresses. They say do you want lace or do 367 00:17:20,079 --> 00:17:24,760 you want satin? Basically like her funeral 368 00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:26,400 dress. Oh my gosh. 369 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,400 I'm about to deliver. This is that is. 370 00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:31,200 Terrible. Yeah. 371 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:33,360 Like I'm, I've lost so much blood. 372 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:38,440 I'm not really coherent. And they're showing me the 373 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:41,760 dresses and I'm like. Lace, I guess. 374 00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:44,400 Oh wow at. This point they are willing me 375 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,000 to the OR because there's no room in the labor and delivery 376 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,280 room because there's just so many people. 377 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:53,720 So I get on the way there. I tell them I I feel like I need 378 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,200 to. Poop and any pregnant woman 379 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:59,520 knows that feeling is you don't need to poop, you need to push. 380 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:04,600 And so they're like, don't push. And I'm like, OK, I'll try. 381 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,360 And so by the time we get into the OR and everything is set up, 382 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,040 it's go time and I'm I'm pushing. 383 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:16,120 So I push for probably 45 minutes and thankfully my mom 384 00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:20,120 and Tyler were in there. So Tyler, he is just super 385 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,840 upset. He is never really scared, but 386 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:25,520 in this moment I could. Tell he was scared and I knew 387 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:30,480 that I needed to be strong for him because if I wasn't strong 388 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:34,120 then what are we going to do? Like I just couldn't watch him 389 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,360 crumble. Had to reassure him. 390 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:41,600 So I'm pushing in between pushing, I look at him and I 391 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:43,800 just smile and I'm like, it's OK, I can do hard things. 392 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:47,200 And that's something that we say to each other now because we can 393 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,040 do hard things. And I just kept saying it over 394 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,520 and over. I'm saying it's OK, I can do 395 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:53,360 hard things. We can do hard things. 396 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:56,920 And just because she was a tiny baby does not mean it doesn't. 397 00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:58,440 Hurt, I'm sure. I feel this. 398 00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:03,480 It felt like a water balloon, and I just see an explosion on 399 00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:06,120 my doctor's face, and that was my uterus. 400 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:10,160 Oh, so my uterus ruptured and my placenta and my cord prolapsed, 401 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,520 which basically means that my placenta and my cord were coming 402 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:15,520 out before the baby was, which is not good. 403 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:21,480 Can't happen. So immediately, I don't know, 404 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:24,600 some nurse basically just like shoves everything back inside 405 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,680 and they're like, we got a prepper for C-section. 406 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,960 Well, there is no prepping. They, I mean, I don't have an 407 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:33,080 epidural, which is you have to have that first C-section. 408 00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:34,960 So they have to put me to sleep this point. 409 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,560 I'm terrified. Like all I could think was not 410 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,800 only am I going to lose my baby, but I'm going to die because my 411 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:45,120 uterus just ruptured. And I mean, I didn't know what 412 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:46,640 was happening. I'd lost so much blood. 413 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:48,320 I just, I could feel myself kind of. 414 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,440 I mean, this is all happening really, really fast too. 415 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,040 Like you can't even really comprehend what's going on 416 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:55,680 probably. And then you're out of it 417 00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:57,520 because you lost so much blood, you're in pain. 418 00:19:57,880 --> 00:19:59,280 You know, Tyler's not doing well. 419 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:00,840 Y'all don't really know what's going. 420 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:03,240 Yeah. And Tyler stands up and I'm 421 00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:05,240 like, please don't leave me because I was so scared. 422 00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,120 And he was like, I'm not going anywhere. 423 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,520 And the doctor's like, oh, yeah, you are. 424 00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,920 You got to get out because he's he came straight from work, so 425 00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:14,240 he's covered in dirt. Oh yeah. 426 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:17,920 I mean, it was not sanitary so. He had to go. 427 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:19,560 And at this point, I'm just so scared. 428 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,800 And I will never forget a respiratory therapist. 429 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,000 He leaned over and he was like, do you want me to hold your 430 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,560 hand? And I will never forget that. 431 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,800 His kindness. Because in that moment, all I 432 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,600 needed was someone. Yeah. 433 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,200 And I remember after, you know, I'm holding the respiratory 434 00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:35,080 therapist's hand and there's a nurse and she's just kind of 435 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:36,600 rubbing my head and she's like, it's going to be OK. 436 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,880 And I looked at her and I said, am I going to be OK? 437 00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:40,320 And she was like, you're going to. 438 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,960 You're going to be fun. And so immediately, I mean, I 439 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,560 fall asleep, they put me to sleep, She's bored, I'm still 440 00:20:46,560 --> 00:20:50,320 asleep at this point. And Tyler said, you know, they 441 00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:53,080 got her out, they got her over and they started working on her. 442 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:56,000 And within like 2 minutes of that, the NICU team just comes 443 00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:57,760 in and it's. He said it was like the. 444 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,880 Sea, yeah. Splitting the sea, yeah. 445 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,240 They call it the Stork squad. So the Stork squad comes in and 446 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:05,560 they. Such a cute name I know. 447 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:08,800 So the Stork squad comes in and they start working on Ivy. 448 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:12,360 And at this point, you know, she's, I mean, not doing well, 449 00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:16,680 but she's alive. So they get her ready and they 450 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,880 take her. And I think they're still at 451 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:20,600 house and at this point, but they're just kind of doing what 452 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:21,680 they need to do to get her prepared. 453 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,680 They intubate her. They, you know, do all the 454 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,600 things they have to cover her up in all of these, like blankets 455 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,680 and stuff because she's not at a point where she can regulate her 456 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,000 own body temperature. And so they have her in like a 457 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:32,920 little incubator, like they're just, they're doing all the 458 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,400 things. And at this point, I'm still 459 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,840 asleep. Well, about 30 minutes after she 460 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,600 was born, I started to wake up. And I don't do well on 461 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,960 anesthesia. So I wake up kicking, fighting. 462 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,960 I have no clue where I'm at. I didn't even know I was 463 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,800 pregnant. So they're like your baby. 464 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,800 Look, there's your baby. And I, there's a live picture of 465 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,560 me. And you just see me trying to 466 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:53,560 sit up and I say my baby because I had no idea that I was even 467 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:54,600 pregnant. Wow. 468 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,320 And I had no clue where I was, who I was, nothing. 469 00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:01,720 So at this point you you got to see her in the incubator and 470 00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,640 stuff like from a distance. From a distance, I'm still on 471 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:08,120 the operating table. She's, like, probably 20 feet 472 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:09,880 away. And I don't see anything but 473 00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:12,360 black hair. Yeah, but that was it. 474 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:16,360 And, you know, they wheel her away and I'm just kind of laying 475 00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:20,320 there and they take me to a recovery room by myself and put 476 00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:23,440 me in this dark room with one nurse in the middle who's 477 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,680 scrolling on her phone. And I'm just laying there with 478 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:28,720 my thoughts. And I just remember sitting 479 00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:32,400 there crying because I'm like, what just happened? 480 00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:34,800 Like this is not supposed to be like this. 481 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:36,720 You're not supposed to have your baby at 23 weeks. 482 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:38,000 I shouldn't be in here by myself. 483 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,360 Like I need, I need somebody. You know, they wouldn't let 484 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,760 Tyler come back there. They would let my mom. 485 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:45,400 I was just alone with my thoughts, which was not a good 486 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,760 place to be. Eventually they Take Me Out of 487 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:52,040 recovery and take me to a room and the doctor comes in there 488 00:22:52,040 --> 00:22:56,120 and they're like, we don't know why she was born so early. 489 00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:01,040 We're just guessing that you had an infection because I had a UTI 490 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,160 the week before. They're like, we're thinking 491 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:07,040 maybe the UTI, so they don't know, but they said that I gave 492 00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:10,400 birth because of a condition called chorioamnionitis, which 493 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,360 is basically an infection of the placenta. 494 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:14,520 I'm in the. Hospital I just had an emergency 495 00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:17,640 C-section. My uterus ruptured and they tell 496 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:22,280 me we'll discharge you if you can walk, but that's the only 497 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:24,760 way we can discharge you. And so immediately I'm like, OK, 498 00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,040 bring somebody over here. I got to get up because I want 499 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,600 to go see my baby. She's in Macon. 500 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,920 I didn't get to see her. Has anybody got to see her? 501 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,960 Tyler got to see her for a quick moment after she was born. 502 00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:38,160 He came over and they let her hold his hand and that was it. 503 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:39,840 I think there's a picture of that isn't OK. 504 00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:43,560 So. That was the only, you know, he 505 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,960 got to see her for a little bit. And I mean, she doesn't look 506 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:49,200 like a normal full term baby. I mean, she looked scary. 507 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:53,240 She was bruised. She looked like purple all over. 508 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,920 Her head was very swollen from me trying to push her out and 509 00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:58,320 then having to be shoved back in. 510 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,800 And at this point, I mean, they're so fragile. 511 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:02,520 How? How much? 512 00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,480 What did she weigh? She was 1 LB one ounce. 513 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,880 Wow, I remember. Seeing a picture and I think it 514 00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,680 was the infant. The smallest diaper they have 515 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,680 and it's the size of your palm. And it was still too. 516 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,800 Big. And it was like, she was so tiny 517 00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:18,480 compared to that diaper. And I'm like, Oh my God, her. 518 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,520 Footprint. If you hold up your thumb, that 519 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:23,280 is the size of her foot. When she was born, she was so 520 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:27,440 small, so, you know, Tyler got to see her, but they took her to 521 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:30,960 Macon like she needed to go. And at this point, I'm still in 522 00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:32,840 the hospital, so I'm away from my baby. 523 00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:35,760 I still haven't got to see her. And they're telling me she's not 524 00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:36,800 going to live. Yeah. 525 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:40,040 So when they say you need to walk to be discharged, I'm like, 526 00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,040 all right. Right now. 527 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:45,560 I'll go and so the night shift nurse comes in there and helps 528 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:49,400 me walk to the bathroom. I go and the doctor comes back 529 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,840 in and they're like, hey, I know you walked and you're ready to 530 00:24:51,840 --> 00:24:54,000 be discharged, but you actually have a fever because of your 531 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:55,960 infection. So you we can't discharge you 532 00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:57,680 because. That's a liability. 533 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,720 So I have to stay another night, and the next morning I wake up 534 00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:04,040 and I still have a fever, but they're giving me Tylenol, 535 00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:05,520 things like that. So it comes down and they're 536 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,280 like, look, if you just keep taking this medicine, we'll let 537 00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:09,360 you go. We know you want to meet your 538 00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:10,760 baby. So I know they probably should 539 00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:11,960 have done that, but I'm very thankful. 540 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:16,480 Yeah, very, very thankful. So they let me go and 541 00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:18,520 immediately I'm like, take me to Macon. 542 00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:22,320 And I remember looking in her little incubator and I mean, she 543 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:23,560 doesn't even look. Like. 544 00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:27,360 I mean, she doesn't even look like a real baby at this point. 545 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:31,480 Like it was just, I was just like, how can something that 546 00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:35,680 small live outside of my body? Like, and I just, I struggled a 547 00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:40,400 lot with guilt because I'm like, she's not supposed to be here on 548 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,920 a breathing tube. She's not supposed to be here 549 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:45,200 fighting for her life. She's supposed to be inside me 550 00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:48,440 where it's safe and healthy and I'm supposed to be doing all of 551 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:50,480 that for her. And now she's having to do it. 552 00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:54,080 And so immediately from birth, she's fighting for her life. 553 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,360 And so that was something I struggled with a lot. 1 of my 554 00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:57,800 good friends from middle school was there. 555 00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:00,040 She's a NICU nurse. And so she was there when Ivy 556 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:01,960 was admitted. She gets there and we talked to 557 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:03,840 her and she kind of explains everything to me. 558 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,880 And she tells me, you know, this is going to be a really hard, 559 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:08,720 long journey. It's going to be a roller 560 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:11,680 coaster of ups and downs. In this first week is the 561 00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:14,240 honeymoon face. So she might seem like she's 562 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:17,160 doing really good and it's because she still has all of 563 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,040 your nutrients and all the things that you were giving her, 564 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:20,600 still kind of going through her body. 565 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:22,880 When those wear off, that's when things are really going to get 566 00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:26,320 bad and so she told. Me, that's really hard for 567 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:30,000 someone to say to you too, like in this point, like so that was, 568 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:33,880 you know, you needed to hear it just in case of anything, but at 569 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,320 the same time, that's really hard to hear, you know, like, 570 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:38,640 oh, it might seem like she's doing good, but she's not. 571 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:43,480 Yeah, so you know, that first week I just after she told me 572 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:46,200 that I'm, that's when Tyler and I really just started praying. 573 00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:51,840 And I think we were just more so like we're just begging God to 574 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:54,840 do something for her because we were so scared. 575 00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:59,120 And I mean, that's our baby. We really, really learned how to 576 00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:02,360 pray in those first few weeks of her life because there was, I 577 00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:06,080 mean, you get calls every time they have to like resuscitate or 578 00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:08,760 anything like that. And I mean, she there was it 579 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:09,920 happened a lot in the. Beginning. 580 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:13,000 Wow, I didn't know that. Yeah, I shared a lot about her 581 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:16,000 story on Facebook, but I really only posted the happy thing. 582 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:18,760 And especially now, whenever I get the memories that pop up in 583 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:21,640 my Facebook, it just blows me away. 584 00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:27,440 How, how positive I was because I didn't understand really what 585 00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:30,040 was happening. And now that I know and I've 586 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:33,360 gone through the whole four months of her NICU stay and I 587 00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:36,840 see, you know, I see it from a different perspective now. 588 00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:42,760 I'm like, I was so I, I just was ignoring what was like, I was 589 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:45,040 just so positive. I just, I knew I was like, God's 590 00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:46,480 got her. She's going to be fine. 591 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:49,640 I knew she'd be OK, but even I would get those calls that 592 00:27:49,640 --> 00:27:51,560 something would happen. They'd be like, she's OK now, 593 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:54,600 but we just had to, you know, bag her or do this or do that. 594 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:57,880 So that was really tough. But then things started to look 595 00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,120 up. She started getting a little bit 596 00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:02,200 stronger. And, you know, it took a few 597 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:06,320 months, but she did. And you know, I remember the 598 00:28:06,320 --> 00:28:09,040 first time I got to hold her. It was a month after she was 599 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:11,800 born. Wow, that's a long time to have 600 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:13,840 to wait. Yeah, we couldn't touch her for 601 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:17,280 at all for the first week. So when she was in the NICU, the 602 00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:20,600 first week that you're there, we weren't allowed to touch her 603 00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:24,240 because they had to do a brain ultrasound where basically they 604 00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:26,400 have to see if there's any damage to her brain, any 605 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:29,200 bleeding or anything like that. And they have like 4 stages of 606 00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:30,640 it. And they told me they're like, 607 00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:33,320 prepare yourself. She's gonna have like a stage 4. 608 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:36,360 She's gone through a lot of trauma, you know, it didn't look 609 00:28:36,360 --> 00:28:38,320 good. Like things hers is going to be 610 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:39,800 bad. So just prepare yourself and 611 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:41,280 it's OK. There's babies that have made it 612 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,680 through with this, like, and they would show us pictures of 613 00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:45,600 other babies that had been in the NICU that had gone through 614 00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:47,360 that. And so we just knew we're like, 615 00:28:48,080 --> 00:28:50,800 OK, this is going to be bad. So. 616 00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:54,600 And I remember this is the first time that Tyler ever prayed out 617 00:28:54,600 --> 00:28:58,200 loud with me. And I just felt so much peace. 618 00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:01,040 Like having your husband pray over you and your child like 619 00:29:01,040 --> 00:29:05,400 that is special and. So we get. 620 00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:08,160 The call with her results from the ultrasound and she didn't 621 00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:10,080 have it. She was clear, nothing. 622 00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:13,800 And I just was like, we prayed for this and then it happened. 623 00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:15,960 And that is like when things kind of started to. 624 00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:20,080 Then we all start. Turning like, hold on, God's 625 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:23,920 listening to me. And so there would be so many 626 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:24,920 things that they would purpose for. 627 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:28,240 Like she had this hole in her heart and they're like, we need 628 00:29:28,240 --> 00:29:30,200 this hole to close up or she's going to have to have surgery. 629 00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:31,520 We're going to have to send her to Atlanta. 630 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:34,880 And so a couple weeks went by and we're they're checking it 631 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:36,160 and they're like, it's not looking good. 632 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:40,480 And then I think two or three days before she was gonna have 633 00:29:40,480 --> 00:29:42,920 to be sent or like the whole closed up. 634 00:29:42,960 --> 00:29:44,360 And that was something we prayed for. 635 00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:47,800 And so it was just like one thing after the next, like, and 636 00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:50,960 I'm like, wow, like I'm praying for these things and it's 637 00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:53,040 happening. Like God is really listening to 638 00:29:53,040 --> 00:29:55,160 me. I remember being at the church 639 00:29:55,160 --> 00:29:58,840 and like, we have a group text. I wasn't in it at the time, but 640 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:00,560 I remember everybody was talking about it. 641 00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:03,480 Like we got to pray for this, this and this and everything. 642 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:07,320 And I, we all were just like, Oh my gosh, like God is moving. 643 00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:10,680 Like she was such a warrior in those moments. 644 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:14,520 Like she was just continuously beating all odds. 645 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:16,480 Yeah, all odds. Everything they said that was 646 00:30:16,480 --> 00:30:18,200 going to happen did not happen. Yeah. 647 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:21,640 And it was, it was crazy to me. And I just felt like, OK, I'm 648 00:30:21,640 --> 00:30:23,600 posting all these things on Facebook and I have all these 649 00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:27,600 people praying for her. Like God's really working in 650 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:28,560 her. And he was. 651 00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:31,720 And that definitely helped Tyler and I's relationship with the 652 00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:35,280 Lord grow because we were seeing these miracles before our eyes. 653 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:36,600 I'm like, you're doing this for our child. 654 00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:39,440 Like thank. You and so. 655 00:30:40,200 --> 00:30:41,480 That was really, really. Cool. 656 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:44,960 And I'm very thankful for that because I feel like he being 657 00:30:44,960 --> 00:30:48,640 born is what caused Tyler and I to want to build that 658 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:52,520 relationship with God. Because I can't say that if she 659 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:54,520 would have been born full term and healthy that we would have 660 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:57,160 gotten started building that relationship. 661 00:30:57,160 --> 00:31:00,280 Yeah, because through Ivy, you got to watch him. 662 00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:04,360 Like you got to feel his presence, see his presence, see 663 00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:07,240 those miracles like that. He's the same God today as he 664 00:31:07,240 --> 00:31:09,200 was back then. So that. 665 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:10,160 Yeah, I see. Really. 666 00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:13,400 Special she spent four months in the NICU and still through the 667 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:16,280 whole four months, she's beating every odd and I remember when we 668 00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:19,480 got to bring her home, I'm like, Oh my gosh, this is. 669 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:21,400 Amazing. I never thought we'd finally get 670 00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:23,680 here because she was in there for 127 days. 671 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:27,080 And in the grand scheme of things, it's not that long. 672 00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:30,600 But when you're going 127 days without your child having to 673 00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:34,760 drive up to Macon every day and you know, you don't, there's 674 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:37,280 just, it was a lot when we finally got to bring her home, 675 00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:38,840 I'm like, Oh my gosh, we've been praying for this. 676 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:43,240 Well, then we bring her home and maybe two days later she tests 677 00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:46,280 positive for COVID. And that was really hard. 678 00:31:46,280 --> 00:31:50,560 I struggled really, really hard with post postpartum anxiety 679 00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:54,880 after she was after she was after she came home, not 680 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,400 necessarily when she was born, which was kind of weird to me. 681 00:31:57,400 --> 00:32:00,480 Like I feel like I was just in like fight or flight. 682 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,160 But then when she came home, I'm like, Oh my gosh, I have this 683 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,880 baby at home who has a feeding tube, which was a whole nother 684 00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:11,200 ball game of stress and anxiety. And she just got taken off 685 00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:13,840 oxygen last week and now she's got COVID. 686 00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:16,680 So I take her to the hospital and they're like, she's fine. 687 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,680 Like they just like disregard the fact that she was in the 688 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,760 NICU two days prior. And that was really hard for me 689 00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:25,000 because I'm like, no, you don't understand. 690 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:28,880 Like she was a micro preemie. Like I, you guys need to admit 691 00:32:28,880 --> 00:32:30,600 her something like, I can't go home. 692 00:32:30,960 --> 00:32:33,040 Well, they send me home and I just drive right back because 693 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:34,920 I'm like, if I go home and go back, they're going to admit 694 00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:38,040 her. And they do so like, yeah, I'm 695 00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:41,040 like, I'm not leaving. So they kept her overnight and 696 00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:43,560 she had like 1 episode where her oxygen dropped, but they were 697 00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:46,600 like, she's fine. And they sent her home And she 698 00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:48,880 did end up, you know, recovering from that. 699 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:53,080 And everything seemed to be fine until about a month after that. 700 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:56,800 We brought her home in February and she passed away in March, 701 00:32:56,800 --> 00:33:00,280 about a month after that. And they still don't know why we 702 00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:05,160 won't get an answer for that. They just said they called it 703 00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:07,520 SUDS. Not SIDS, but SUDS I. 704 00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:12,160 Was like, hang on, it's. It's not SIDS, so SIDS, I'm not 705 00:33:12,160 --> 00:33:14,880 exactly sure what determines that, but SUDS is basically 706 00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:19,640 sudden unexplainable death syndrome, Sudden unexplainable 707 00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:22,080 infant death syndrome. They did an autopsy and things 708 00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:24,120 like that and there's like blood vessels they can look at in her 709 00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:26,840 eyes and she never suffocated. She never like they don't. 710 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:30,720 They genuinely have no idea why she passed away and I remember. 711 00:33:31,320 --> 00:33:34,720 Obviously that night that we found her, that was really hard 712 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:41,000 and having to watch Tyler because like I was asleep and 713 00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:43,440 Tyler woke me up and he was like, hey, something's wrong. 714 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,800 And I was like, she's fine. And then we quickly realized 715 00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:49,480 that she was not fine. And we turn on the lights and 716 00:33:49,480 --> 00:33:52,840 just that's what we knew. Like I knew in that moment and I 717 00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:55,720 was just, I feel like I was in denial. 718 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:57,240 Like I did not accept what was going on. 719 00:33:57,240 --> 00:34:01,640 Like I called 911, they get there, they take her, you know, 720 00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:03,720 they tell us that she had passed away. 721 00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:06,600 And I didn't even, I didn't even cry. 722 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,440 I was just like what I genuinely had. 723 00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:10,960 I don't even. Just. 724 00:34:10,960 --> 00:34:12,360 Shocked. Yeah. 725 00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:14,719 I couldn't talk. I just sat there and stared at 726 00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:18,880 the wall for like hours. And then the next morning, 727 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:23,320 that's when everything really hit me and I was inconsolable. 728 00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:26,840 Needless to say, it was just really hard. 729 00:34:26,920 --> 00:34:29,639 And especially you go through four months of being in the 730 00:34:29,639 --> 00:34:33,000 NICU, you think you've gone through all these hard things 731 00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:36,760 and everything is going to be okay to her passing away for no 732 00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:42,080 reason. And immediately Tyler and I both 733 00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:46,400 were so angry with God. I was just like, how could you 734 00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,800 do this to me? Because you know, like you beat 735 00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:53,960 all those obstacles and you're like, this is what he did it 736 00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:55,600 for. So we could have this story to 737 00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:58,800 tell and be able to show like his miracles. 738 00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:03,360 And then she's stripped from me. And that was something that a 739 00:35:03,360 --> 00:35:06,640 lot of therapy got me through and I still struggle with it 740 00:35:06,640 --> 00:35:12,200 sometimes of like, why me? But I have a friend who shared 741 00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:15,120 her testimony online and I read it and she posted something kind 742 00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:17,520 of similar. Not the same situation, but 743 00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:19,760 posting about that, like, why me? 744 00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:23,120 And her words were like, why not me? 745 00:35:23,720 --> 00:35:25,920 You know, we live in a broken world. 746 00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:29,320 Like, who's to say that I'm better than you, That you, like, 747 00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:31,840 I shouldn't have to go through these hard, hard things. 748 00:35:33,400 --> 00:35:36,800 And I feel like that's like part of God's promises that things in 749 00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:39,720 heaven are perfect and great and there's no suffering and there's 750 00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:41,840 no pain. But we live on Earth, where 751 00:35:41,840 --> 00:35:43,840 there is suffering and pain and evil. 752 00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:46,560 And that took me a long time to understand because in this 753 00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:48,800 moment, I don't care about any of that. 754 00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:51,560 All I care about was the fact that I felt like he took her 755 00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:52,360 from me. Yeah. 756 00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:54,880 And that was something I had a really hard time with. 757 00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:59,600 So this is March. Of 20/23/2023. 758 00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:01,280 And. So at this point, we haven't 759 00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:03,440 even celebrated our first year of marriage. 760 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,840 Oh wow, because we got pregnant. Yeah, right after our honeymoon. 761 00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:09,960 She was born four months premature and then she passed 762 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:12,920 away one month before our one year wedding anniversary. 763 00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:16,720 And that's, that's heavy. That's a heavy year. 764 00:36:16,720 --> 00:36:22,280 Our first year of marriage was a blur of just one thing after the 765 00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:25,120 next, and then her passing away and then us having to grieve 766 00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:28,040 together. And I'm very thankful because a 767 00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:32,360 lot of people, when you go through something so hard, it 768 00:36:32,360 --> 00:36:34,360 can be really easy to push your partner away. 769 00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:37,120 And that was not the case for Tyler and I. 770 00:36:37,120 --> 00:36:39,840 And I'm very, very grateful because I know that that does 771 00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:43,440 happen. But I feel like we both really 772 00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:46,480 leaned on each other because you're the only person that 773 00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:47,680 knows how I feel. Yeah. 774 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:50,160 You're the only person that knows how it feels to have your, 775 00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:53,720 you know, that's gone through this exact same situation as me. 776 00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,320 And so we really, really leaned on each other. 777 00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:58,040 And I'm very thankful. And I feel like it brought us 778 00:36:58,440 --> 00:37:01,800 together even more. I mean, not that we we were 779 00:37:01,960 --> 00:37:05,240 fine, but then you go through something so traumatic and it's 780 00:37:05,240 --> 00:37:09,600 almost like it just bonds you. Yeah, because I mean you, it is 781 00:37:09,600 --> 00:37:13,360 like a fork in a road, like you can either grow together or 782 00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:16,560 completely spiral and go two different directions. 783 00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:20,040 Because I mean, no, like you said, nobody knows how y'all 784 00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:22,440 feel. Yeah, like no one's experienced 785 00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:23,880 this. This is just you and him. 786 00:37:23,880 --> 00:37:26,200 Yeah, after it happened, you know, that's something. 787 00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:29,200 My dad owns a Funeral Home, so he sees that happen a lot where 788 00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:32,000 people push each other away. He's like, y'all really just 789 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:35,520 need to lean on each other. And I remember Tyler said I've 790 00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:37,920 already lost Ivy. I can't lose you 2. 791 00:37:38,720 --> 00:37:41,280 And that's something I'm going to cry. 792 00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:48,720 I'm just very thankful that I have a husband that cares enough 793 00:37:48,720 --> 00:37:51,800 where he'll put his grieving aside that he realizes I have a 794 00:37:51,800 --> 00:37:56,000 wife that needs me. And I feel like marriage 795 00:37:56,000 --> 00:37:58,720 counseling really kind of. Put that into both of our heads 796 00:37:58,720 --> 00:38:01,880 too of like. I remember there's one thing 797 00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:03,560 that Jay Ray said, you know, he told Tyler. 798 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:04,560 He's like, you're leading the ship. 799 00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,680 The ship sinks, everyone's going to look at you. 800 00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:08,600 And Tyler takes that very seriously. 801 00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:11,280 I know that I could not, I would not be here right now if I did 802 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:12,920 not have Tyler. Like if we. 803 00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:14,120 Would have pushed each other away. 804 00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:16,400 It would have, I mean, I was already depressed, but it just 805 00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:17,960 would have been another added layer. 806 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:21,760 So we're both really angry at God and neither of us are 807 00:38:21,760 --> 00:38:24,120 interested in going to church. We did not go to church for 808 00:38:24,120 --> 00:38:26,320 months after she passed away because at this point we're just 809 00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:29,080 angry. And I remember Michelle told 810 00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:31,640 both of us, you can yell at God, He can handle it. 811 00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:33,560 He is way bigger than your feelings. 812 00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:35,840 You can yell at him, He will forgive you. 813 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:37,480 I kind of went through the stages of grief. 814 00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:40,800 I started going to therapy. And shout out to Jennifer 815 00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:42,040 Ransom. She's amazing. 816 00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:44,120 Oh wow, I love Jennifer. I love her. 817 00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:45,320 Yep. So that's my therapist. 818 00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:47,720 I love her. She helped me tremendously 819 00:38:47,720 --> 00:38:50,760 through my grief journey. And I don't think that I would 820 00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:53,960 have been at this place that I am now without seeing her. 821 00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:55,760 And I know some people don't like therapy. 822 00:38:55,760 --> 00:38:59,480 Tyler chose not to take, you know, G therapy and that's fine. 823 00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:02,560 Reap the way that he needed to grieve and, you know, worked 824 00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:05,160 through his emotions himself and that's what he needed. 825 00:39:07,080 --> 00:39:09,040 But at this point, we're still pretty angry. 826 00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:12,680 And a little bit of time goes by. 827 00:39:12,680 --> 00:39:15,640 And it was Ivy's birthday. It was October. 828 00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:17,760 So she passed away in March, October. 829 00:39:17,760 --> 00:39:18,800 I don't know how many months that is. 830 00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:22,120 But at this point we're like, maybe we do want to have more 831 00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:25,000 kids. And that was something I felt 832 00:39:25,000 --> 00:39:27,640 really guilty about because I was like, what if people think 833 00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:30,520 I'm trying to replace her? And that's not at all what it 834 00:39:30,520 --> 00:39:32,040 is. I mean, if she was still here 835 00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:34,160 and I had another baby, no one would think twice about it. 836 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:36,800 But it was just something that honestly, the enemy was putting 837 00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:39,320 in your head, yes, to make you. I feel like I was going to be 838 00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:43,400 judged if I did or if I didn't, if it's too soon or you know. 839 00:39:43,560 --> 00:39:45,200 If you wait. Whatever I just was. 840 00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:47,800 I cared too much about what other people thought, and I had 841 00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:50,920 to do what I felt was right. And so at this point, I'm like, 842 00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:55,400 you know, if it happens, it happens, but if it doesn't, it 843 00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:57,680 doesn't. It's in God's plan and I'm still 844 00:39:57,800 --> 00:40:00,840 angry with him, but I'm like, you know, it is what it is. 845 00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:02,800 And I'd been going to therapy for a little bit at this point. 846 00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:06,280 And so my anger had kind of washed away a little bit. 847 00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:10,880 And I was more so in that like trust God kind of era. 848 00:40:10,880 --> 00:40:13,600 And Tyler was still more angry than I was. 849 00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:16,720 So October rolls around and we decide, you know, if it happens, 850 00:40:16,720 --> 00:40:18,920 it happens. And it was not happening. 851 00:40:19,480 --> 00:40:21,960 And we went a few months wasn't happening. 852 00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:24,960 And so I just remember being like, OK, so. 853 00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:29,960 Have Ivy go through all of that, then she passes away and now I 854 00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:31,520 can't get pregnant. So you're telling me the only 855 00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:34,880 baby that I'm ever going to get is the one that's in heaven? 856 00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:37,320 And that was the thoughts that were going through my head of 857 00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:41,920 like, why me? And I just didn't understand. 858 00:40:42,440 --> 00:40:45,600 And that was hard to for Tyler because he can't help me in 859 00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:46,520 that. He can't. 860 00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:48,560 There's nothing you can say to make it better. 861 00:40:49,240 --> 00:40:54,320 And so December comes, and we were figuring out what our New 862 00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:57,400 Year's resolutions were going to be, and Tyler said, I think we 863 00:40:57,400 --> 00:41:00,360 should start going to church. And that shocked me. 864 00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:03,080 Yeah, because he was still angry. 865 00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:05,520 But through therapy and everything, I had started 866 00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:08,120 praying for Tyler that he would have that desire. 867 00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:11,240 And so for him to say that he wanted us to go to church, I was 868 00:41:11,240 --> 00:41:12,960 like. Just out of nowhere. 869 00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:14,600 Out of nowhere I'm like, hold up, maybe? 870 00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:17,160 Maybe God is still answering my prayers. 871 00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:20,800 Like maybe this is working. January comes around and we 872 00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:23,640 start going to church and we end up pregnant in January. 873 00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:26,200 So wow, the month that we start going back to church is the 874 00:41:26,200 --> 00:41:27,640 month that we got pregnant with Knox. 875 00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:34,200 That is just like so just big, you know, because like Tyler 876 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:37,360 just comes out on a whim, like I want to start going back to 877 00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:40,040 church, you know, and I know that Michelle was praying for it 878 00:41:40,040 --> 00:41:42,080 big definitely. I'm sure your parents and stuff 879 00:41:42,080 --> 00:41:43,520 too. But you know, I just know 880 00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:46,040 Michelle side and she had been praying for that and the first 881 00:41:46,040 --> 00:41:48,800 time you'll come, she said, I'm not going to be not going to 882 00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:50,560 show out. I'm not going to say anything 883 00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:54,520 big, but and I'm like, Oh my gosh, like we were all so 884 00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:56,600 excited, but everybody's like, but don't, don't. 885 00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:59,560 Don't exist like. Don't go over and like, ambush 886 00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:00,760 them or anything. Yeah. 887 00:42:00,760 --> 00:42:02,920 So, yeah. So that was January, yes. 888 00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:05,160 Then a few weeks later. I found out I was pregnant. 889 00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:07,360 So we started going back. Yeah, we started going back to 890 00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:09,080 church and our prayers start getting answered. 891 00:42:09,080 --> 00:42:11,560 And I'm like, OK, maybe we have to have a relationship with God 892 00:42:11,560 --> 00:42:13,240 for thing, like for our prayers and things. 893 00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:15,560 Like we can't just pray and ask him for things all the time. 894 00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:18,720 Yeah, we have to thank him for things and pray for others and 895 00:42:18,720 --> 00:42:19,600 like, there's so much more to it. 896 00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:22,960 We have to build a relationship with him and us getting pregnant 897 00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:25,880 and going back to church, I feel like was almost like that push 898 00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:28,080 that we both needed to get back into church. 899 00:42:28,760 --> 00:42:32,200 And then with me finding out I was pregnant, Tyler and I both 900 00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:35,160 agreed that it was really important to us that we raised 901 00:42:35,160 --> 00:42:39,640 our child in the church because it just, it's our responsibility 902 00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:41,440 as parents to make sure that they go to heaven. 903 00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:45,880 And we, I actually said this in one episode before because I saw 904 00:42:45,880 --> 00:42:48,720 it on TikTok, but it was like the only thing you can take with 905 00:42:48,720 --> 00:42:51,840 you when you go is your kids. Like you have an opportunity to 906 00:42:51,840 --> 00:42:54,600 take something with you and it can be your kids, so why not? 907 00:42:54,600 --> 00:42:57,040 Exactly. And something that I remember 908 00:42:57,040 --> 00:43:00,640 from Ivy's funeral, Pastor Matt said if you want to see her 909 00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:03,360 again, you have to have a relationship with the Lord. 910 00:43:03,960 --> 00:43:06,960 And I know some people felt like that was heavy, but it's the 911 00:43:06,960 --> 00:43:08,440 truth. Yeah, it is. 912 00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:10,680 If I ever want to see her again, I have to have this 913 00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:12,800 relationship. And I feel like that was, you 914 00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:14,720 know, with us getting pregnant with Knox and then just 915 00:43:14,720 --> 00:43:18,360 remembering kind of that it was like, OK, we have to this is 916 00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:19,440 important. This matters. 917 00:43:19,440 --> 00:43:21,960 We're not just going to skate our way into heaven living the 918 00:43:21,960 --> 00:43:24,680 life that we've been living and being angry with him forever. 919 00:43:25,640 --> 00:43:27,760 And then I started to kind of think, I'm like, OK, if she was, 920 00:43:28,080 --> 00:43:31,240 if she could sit here and see me, would she be proud? 921 00:43:32,080 --> 00:43:34,800 Like I was not, I was not in a good place. 922 00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:38,120 And so I was like, I want to live a life that she is proud 923 00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:38,800 of. Yeah. 924 00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:41,800 If she can see me right now, I want her to see that I'm 925 00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:43,760 thriving, I'm doing well, and then I'm going to see her again 926 00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:45,600 one day. Not that she's like, Oh my gosh. 927 00:43:45,720 --> 00:43:51,400 My mom so got pregnant and of course, that was very nerve 928 00:43:51,400 --> 00:43:54,800 wracking because of my previous pregnancy and everything. 929 00:43:54,920 --> 00:43:58,760 And I had a perfectly healthy, normal pregnancy with Knox. 930 00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:01,680 He did come early. He came in 35 weeks. 931 00:44:01,680 --> 00:44:03,040 But in my mind, that was full term. 932 00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:03,720 That's full term. Yeah. 933 00:44:03,760 --> 00:44:06,080 He's fine. Feeling good, feeling great. 934 00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:09,160 He went to the NICU for like 4 days and I remember I couldn't 935 00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:11,160 go in there because I had AC section and you have to walk to 936 00:44:11,160 --> 00:44:13,760 the NICU. So Tyler, he's in there and 937 00:44:13,760 --> 00:44:15,760 they're like, yeah, he's on oxygen, I'm sorry. 938 00:44:15,760 --> 00:44:17,880 And he's like, this is fine. He's on low flow. 939 00:44:17,880 --> 00:44:20,440 He's good. Yeah, like it's OK. 940 00:44:20,640 --> 00:44:23,560 We're good, he's fine. So we were just very blessed 941 00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:26,640 with Knox to be so healthy and perfect and he still is just 942 00:44:26,640 --> 00:44:28,760 healthy, perfect little sweet boy. 943 00:44:28,760 --> 00:44:30,880 He never cries. He's just like the most chill 944 00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:32,160 baby. Anyone that's ever around him. 945 00:44:32,160 --> 00:44:34,480 Like you can see he's just. Very chill, he's so laid back. 946 00:44:35,440 --> 00:44:38,800 So we're very thankful and you know, with Knox and being 947 00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:42,040 pregnant and everything, we really wanted to, you know, 948 00:44:42,160 --> 00:44:44,160 build our relationship with the Lord and I'm like, we have to do 949 00:44:44,160 --> 00:44:45,720 it now. Just because he's born doesn't 950 00:44:45,720 --> 00:44:47,040 mean we're just going to start going to church. 951 00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:50,040 So while I was pregnant, we started, we're like, you know, 952 00:44:50,040 --> 00:44:52,760 let's get involved. So we started volunteering with 953 00:44:53,160 --> 00:44:56,920 the kids ministry. So we are the first service 954 00:44:56,920 --> 00:45:00,120 first grade leaders. So we we love it. 955 00:45:00,160 --> 00:45:02,320 Yes, that's awesome. We look forward to it every 956 00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:03,640 week. We love our kids and they're 957 00:45:03,640 --> 00:45:05,360 they're so sweet. I told Tyler I'm when they move 958 00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:07,200 up, we're going with them. You're gonna follow by the way. 959 00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:09,040 Love them. You might be in middle school 960 00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:10,960 and stuff. Then we're gonna have two cuz I 961 00:45:10,960 --> 00:45:12,480 can't. I love these kids. 962 00:45:12,880 --> 00:45:16,520 That is sweet. That is just, it's so sweet 963 00:45:16,600 --> 00:45:23,000 because I mean, January of this year is when this big rapid 964 00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:27,120 change, like y'all radically started changing within that 965 00:45:27,120 --> 00:45:28,760 first. Like y'all start going and then 966 00:45:28,760 --> 00:45:32,440 instantly and then I remember I think y'all filled out a Say yes 967 00:45:32,440 --> 00:45:34,440 card or whatever and that's where y'all started 968 00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:36,520 volunteering. And Michelle hadn't seen it. 969 00:45:37,080 --> 00:45:41,040 And Carrie, one of our administrative assistants, she 970 00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:45,120 said, Jordan Statser, is that Tyler's wife? 971 00:45:45,120 --> 00:45:46,960 I said yes. And she said they filled out a 972 00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:48,880 voluntary card and we're like, what? 973 00:45:48,880 --> 00:45:52,280 I said Michelle is gonna freak. And it was Tyler's idea. 974 00:45:52,360 --> 00:45:54,040 Yes. That is so awesome. 975 00:45:55,040 --> 00:45:56,000 And that's something he's always said. 976 00:45:56,000 --> 00:45:57,240 He's like, you know, I want to lead. 977 00:45:57,440 --> 00:46:01,280 I want to lead you and, you know, be a good Christian 978 00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:04,520 husband. And at that point, like we just 979 00:46:04,920 --> 00:46:07,320 Tyler's, Tyler's dad would send him a devotion every morning. 980 00:46:07,320 --> 00:46:10,320 And so I feel like his dad also kind of helped him cuz like his 981 00:46:10,320 --> 00:46:12,360 dad is his hero. He wants to be just like him. 982 00:46:13,320 --> 00:46:16,480 And so his dad kind of helped push him into that. 983 00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:19,960 And then we just wanted to be able to give Knox. 984 00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:21,760 A good life. And so we're like, you know 985 00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:24,640 what, it starts now. And as we start building this 986 00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:27,760 relationship with God, we, we realize how great it is and how 987 00:46:27,760 --> 00:46:30,120 good it feels. And like, now we wake up every 988 00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:33,560 morning and do devotion and pray together. 989 00:46:33,880 --> 00:46:35,320 Yeah. I pray all the time. 990 00:46:35,320 --> 00:46:37,200 Anytime Knox wakes up at night, I'm praying. 991 00:46:37,560 --> 00:46:39,280 Anytime I'm driving in the car, I'm praying. 992 00:46:39,280 --> 00:46:42,240 I've changed from listening to, like, just music, you know, 993 00:46:42,240 --> 00:46:44,600 sometimes I hear something that I used to love to listen to and 994 00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:46,000 it makes me cringe. Yeah. 995 00:46:46,120 --> 00:46:50,280 Because of how vulgar it is. And now I find myself wanting to 996 00:46:50,280 --> 00:46:52,800 listen to worship music and while I'm cooking and things 997 00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:55,360 like that. Like he really has like, just 998 00:46:55,360 --> 00:46:58,320 been working on us. Especially like, just like you 999 00:46:58,320 --> 00:47:00,760 said, a radical change from this time last year. 1000 00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:05,680 We were angry with God, and now we are more. 1001 00:47:05,720 --> 00:47:07,080 Yeah. Yeah, for sure. 1002 00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:09,800 That is so great, girl. That is so great. 1003 00:47:09,800 --> 00:47:14,080 I'm so glad and thankful that you wanted to come on and Share 1004 00:47:14,080 --> 00:47:18,040 your story, you and Ivy's story and Tyler's story, you know, 1005 00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:21,920 because one of the reasons I wanted to start this is not just 1006 00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:24,640 for drugs and alcohol, because that's what I struggled with. 1007 00:47:24,680 --> 00:47:27,520 But, you know, there's so many other things in life that people 1008 00:47:27,520 --> 00:47:30,040 are struggling with and that's hindering their relationship 1009 00:47:30,040 --> 00:47:33,560 with Jesus. And when you Share your story, 1010 00:47:33,840 --> 00:47:37,600 it helps others, you know, come to know Jesus and really 1011 00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:41,080 surrender their life to him because that's the only way 1012 00:47:41,080 --> 00:47:46,800 you're going to ever, you know, heal or feel like it wasn't just 1013 00:47:47,040 --> 00:47:51,160 some traumatic thing like it. It's all for, I don't know, a 1014 00:47:51,160 --> 00:47:52,920 bigger purpose. A bigger purpose, yeah. 1015 00:47:53,160 --> 00:47:56,400 I feel like us going through everything is really what led us 1016 00:47:56,400 --> 00:47:59,400 to God and like to actually have a relationship with him. 1017 00:47:59,400 --> 00:48:02,960 And I've always said, you know, she only lived five months, but 1018 00:48:02,960 --> 00:48:08,040 she fulfilled and lived and served her purpose in those five 1019 00:48:08,040 --> 00:48:10,280 months. If I like without her, I would 1020 00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:12,200 not have the relationship with God that I do have. 1021 00:48:12,200 --> 00:48:14,800 And that's something that I will be forever grateful for. 1022 00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:17,800 And of course, I'll always have that hole in my heart and miss 1023 00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:20,600 her forever. And there's not a day goes by 1024 00:48:20,600 --> 00:48:22,720 that I don't think about her. And, you know, selfishly, 1025 00:48:22,720 --> 00:48:25,360 sometimes I wish she could be here, but I know that she's in 1026 00:48:25,680 --> 00:48:29,040 this perfect place. And I'm like, what more can I 1027 00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:33,160 want for her? So I'm just very thankful for 1028 00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:35,680 the time that I did have with her because like the doctor 1029 00:48:35,680 --> 00:48:38,880 said, oh, she's not going to live more than, you know, this 1030 00:48:38,880 --> 00:48:40,760 week or she's not going to make it till tomorrow. 1031 00:48:40,760 --> 00:48:44,200 And she lived five months, so we got five months with her. 1032 00:48:44,320 --> 00:48:48,080 So as we close out, I guess I just wanted to ask if maybe you 1033 00:48:48,080 --> 00:48:50,880 had some advice or maybe something that you want to share 1034 00:48:50,880 --> 00:48:53,520 with someone that you've learned on your journey or what you've 1035 00:48:53,520 --> 00:48:56,600 experienced and maybe they're dealing with something similar. 1036 00:48:56,800 --> 00:48:58,920 So do you have anything that you would like to say? 1037 00:48:59,880 --> 00:49:03,080 Really just first of all, I'm sorry that you have to go 1038 00:49:03,080 --> 00:49:05,480 through this and that we can relate on this because nobody 1039 00:49:05,480 --> 00:49:08,800 should have to relate. You know, moms and dads are not 1040 00:49:08,800 --> 00:49:11,480 supposed to bury their babies, but it does unfortunately 1041 00:49:11,480 --> 00:49:14,360 happen. And genuinely, the best thing 1042 00:49:14,360 --> 00:49:17,800 that I ever could have done was trust God and just trust that 1043 00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:21,160 there is a bigger plan. Because, you know, I went 1044 00:49:21,160 --> 00:49:23,920 through being so angry with him. And then finally when I just let 1045 00:49:23,920 --> 00:49:28,640 go and surrendered everything, just I felt this peace over me. 1046 00:49:28,760 --> 00:49:31,080 And I'm not going to say that it's going to be easy because it 1047 00:49:31,080 --> 00:49:32,760 wasn't. It's so hard. 1048 00:49:32,760 --> 00:49:34,080 And there's still some really hard days. 1049 00:49:34,080 --> 00:49:37,800 There's days where I'm at work and I'm like, I got to go like I 1050 00:49:37,800 --> 00:49:39,160 am. Today's not a good day. 1051 00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:43,600 And I know that there will be hard days to come, but slowly 1052 00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:47,640 over time things have gotten not necessarily easier, but I just 1053 00:49:47,840 --> 00:49:51,280 have a piece about it. So really just trusting God is 1054 00:49:51,440 --> 00:49:53,640 my biggest advice. Honestly in therapy. 1055 00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:54,960 Yeah. Jennifer Ransom. 1056 00:49:55,240 --> 00:49:58,560 Jennifer Ransom. Well, guys, thank you so much 1057 00:49:58,560 --> 00:50:03,080 for tuning in today. We just have been talking and 1058 00:50:03,080 --> 00:50:07,640 just wanting to really tell your story and we're so appreciative 1059 00:50:07,640 --> 00:50:11,200 that she was open to do this. So stay tuned, stay blessed, and 1060 00:50:11,200 --> 00:50:11,960 we'll see you next week.