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What's up guys? 
I'm Alexis. 

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You're a host of praises in the 
pod and I am so excited and 

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nervous honestly, like just to 
be in here and just have this 

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conversation with Charmel Hare. 
We are we got a long way to go. 

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OK, we are going to jump right 
in, but we're going to start off

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in prayer and and see where God 
leads this. 

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So here we go. 
Lord Heavenly Father, just thank

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you Lord, I am just sitting here
in in your presence, Lord God, 

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and just being able to talk 
about what you have done in our 

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lives and it just just it makes 
me so emotional and I'm just so 

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excited to see what you have of 
this episode today. 

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Lord God, we know that you are 
live inside of us and you're 

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going to speak to us and through
US today. 

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We pray that this always 
glorifies you and that we are 

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just used as a vessel for you 
and you your glory. 

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Lord God, just thank you for all
that you have done, all that you

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are doing and all that you are 
going to do that we have no idea

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about. 
In Jesus name I pray. 

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Amen. 
Amen. 

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Amen. 
Yeah. 

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OK, I'm so excited. 
I'm so excited, girl, I'm so 

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excited. 
Me too. 

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When I saw you a few weeks ago 
and I asked if you would come 

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on, I'm like, I ran up to the 
table and I'm like, Oh my gosh, 

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please, Lord, please, like, 
tell, like just go before me and

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make this happen 'cause I just 
wanted to spend some one-on-one 

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time with you. 
Yes, this is so awesome. 

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And you know, when we couldn't 
make it happen because of the 

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whole car thing, I was like, 
whatever enemy we gonna make 

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this happen, dog on it. 
Yeah, it happen. 

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Absolutely. 
When stuff like that happens, 

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I'm like, ohh, I know it's gonna
be good. 

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Ohh cause the. 
Anime don't want. 

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It don't want it at all. 
So I was excited. 

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Yeah, I'm. 
I'm so happy to be here and talk

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with you. 
It's always right. 

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Just a little back story for our
listeners, Sharmel, if you have 

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heard episode Identity in 
Christ, that is my testimony. 

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And I talk about how I went to a
conference and I met a doctor 

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and she just kind of like just 
poured love and truth in my 

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life. 
And I come home and I hear from 

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God and I radically change in 
that moment. 

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Sharmel is her. 
And so that is why I have been 

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so excited to get you on here 
and just to catch up the last 

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two years. 
Absolutely. 

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Like it was just in passing. 
It was just like right after a 

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breakout session that I'm like, 
hey, can I steal you for a SEC? 

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Yeah, Felt like I was on like 
one of those dating shows. 

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Can I steal you for a chat? 
That's exactly what they do. 

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Like come here for a second. 
Let's talk. 

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Yeah, it was it was a very much 
a God moment. 

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Absolutely was not a me moment. 
And in fact, I think that was if

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not maybe the first time I had 
done that. 

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You know, JBOC ministries, they 
of all the we just going to 

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trust God and you go. 
So that's my first time leading 

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worship like by myself. 
That's my first time, you know, 

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being expected to be the leader,
to know the songs, all that 

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stuff. 
And then asked to do the 

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breakout and I was like, man, 
I'm so overwhelmed. 

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So it very much was a lots of 
fasting and praying before I 

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didn't got there so. 
Girl, that is good. 

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So the I would have never known 
that. 

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So the fact that, yeah, I was 
petrified, like I didn't know 

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what I was doing, like that's 
how I know is a God thing, you 

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know? 
And, you know, a lot of times 

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we'll want to steal some of 
God's glory, but it's, it's, 

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it's none of ours. 
You know, it really was a him 

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thing because I promise you, I 
really didn't know what I was 

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doing. 
I was nervous. 

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And so when you came over to me 
and we started talking and you 

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said that statement that you 
just, we just talked about 

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earlier. 
I know it's the Holy Spirit 

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because as we were talking, I 
was listening and I just got 

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this like deposit, like say this
to her. 

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And I didn't even know if I 
should say it to you because it 

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felt like I wasn't really 
listening to you. 

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It's one of those like, say 
something uncomfortable. 

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Who knew God would use it? 
Yeah. 

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And he did. 
He did. 

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So the key is be obedient. 
Absolutely Be obedient to what 

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God tells you to say because 
it's not about you anyway. 

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Yeah. 
And then to you don't know what 

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being obedient in that moment, 
how will impact somebody's life.

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Here we are. 
Here we are. 

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That's crazy like Oh my gosh. 
So the statement she's referring

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to and y'all have heard me say 
this because I have said it so 

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many times like I told you it's 
in my notes I used that I 

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journaled it like I've read in 
my Bible. 

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But she said something along the
lines of like, God gives us hard

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things that are too big for us 
to carry so that we turn around 

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and give them back to his rum. 
And in that moment, I'm like, 

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I'm gonna do that. 
I'm gonna do just that. 

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Yes, yes, and here we are here 
was here's the fruit of you 

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being obedient to that. 
That's so awesome. 

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So I love out there myself, 
company, this couch. 

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I love it. 
OK, let's talk about you. 

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I haven't she got here and I 
insulin went about me, but we're

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going to talk about you. 
So start us off a little bit in 

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your childhood and let's work 
our way up how how to how you 

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got here today. 
Yeah, sure. 

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So I'm originally, my parents 
are West African, so I was born 

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here in the US, but I was raised
in West Africa. 

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So my mom and dad came here to 
get their masters and, you know,

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got married and then came here 
get their masters. 

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And while they were here, they 
had me and my younger sister. 

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So there are four of us. 
Well, there's five of us, but 

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the first two, you were born 
here in the US And so I grew up 

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in West Africa, really. 
So from what I from, I guess, 

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being conscious to no memory, I 
was home in Liberia, where I'm 

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from, and grew up there. 
And then 1990, there was war in 

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our country and we had to leave.
We had to flee. 

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And so Mom took us and brought 
us here and came to Georgia. 

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Wow. 
Of all places. 

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Actually, we went to Boston 
originally because that's where 

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I was born, but my mom was just 
concerned like, you know, she 

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just was concerned that we 
weren't going to get it kind of 

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environment of environment where
we're going to be, I guess, 

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nourished. 
Just it wasn't a good 

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environment up there. 
It was a lot of racial tension, 

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segregation. 
It just was not a great 

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situation. 
So she was, my aunt lived in 

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Georgia and worked for Delta. 
And so she's like come visit and

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come see it and drove her around
different places. 

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And she said, look at all this 
diversity, look at all these 

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people. 
And everybody's doing well here.

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So we moved to Georgia. 
Wow. 

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And so we came here in 1990. 
I went to school. 

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I actually went to school, 
Morrow, Mount Zion Christian 

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Academy for a couple years. 
So you grew up? 

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A. 
Christian. 

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Well, yes, we grew up with 
Christian values, let's just say

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it that way. 
My grandmother was the main 

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devout Christian. 
You know, she she taught us how 

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to memorize Bible verses. 
She's the one who, you know, 

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would make us, we would, we 
would have to like have these 

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little, you know, I don't know 
if you remember back in the day 

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had those little small pieces of
paper and they would have Bible 

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verses on it. 
And they were in like this 

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little container. 
It's all really old school for 

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anybody who knows what that is. 
And you would grab one and then 

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you would have to memorize it 
and or start. 

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Yeah. 
So our grandmother started us 

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learning Scripture really young.
And in fact, I remember 

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everybody, whenever we would 
have to share Scripture, even if

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it wasn't on the piece of paper,
if we had to share Scripture, 

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everybody wanted to say Jesus 
wept because that was a work 

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expressive we could come up with
swept and like, Dang, it, got 

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that from Scripture. 
So we used to always do. 

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That was hilarious to me. 
But yeah, so my grandmother was 

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the main Christian and she came 
with us from the war. 

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And so she kind of raised us in 
those ways, but I wouldn't say 

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we were, we would have Bible 
study, you know, grandma would 

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have us come together and sing 
and praise and that kind of 

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thing. 
But to say I really had a 

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relationship with the Lord, I 
would say that's definitely not 

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true. 
But I was raised in it. 

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And so my parents and then 1992,
my mom, we were here in the US, 

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My mom went to school in 
England. 

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She went to boarding school and 
so. 

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She went everywhere, yeah. 
So she said, I want y'all to go 

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and get the same education I 
got. 

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And so she sent us to England, 
to boarding school. 

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And so it was me and my younger 
sister. 

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I'm the oldest. 
And so I had to kind of be 

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responsible for all of that. 
And that was just a lot for a 

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young person. 
And so, yeah, it was just a lot 

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of pressure. 
It was, it was just very 

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stressful. 
But you know, thank the Lord, I 

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mean, he walked with me. 
I didn't even know at the time 

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he was walking with me. 
If I had to look at my life, I 

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would just look at all the time 
God has had his hand on me and I

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just didn't know he had his hand
on me. 

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But you go to school there, 
there's no real supervision and 

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the adults supervise as much as 
they can. 

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But then I really started 
getting in trouble. 

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So really, you know, I tell my 
kids I have three boys. 

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I tell my kids y'all are so much
better kids than I was because I

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got in a lot of trouble really 
young. 

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Like I was drinking. 
I think I was the first time I 

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ever got drunk. 
I was 13 years old, went to a 

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friend's house. 
We snuck into the cabinet and 

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got Peach snaps and Sprite and 
got drunk. 

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So smoked it like probably 12 or
I tried the first time I tried a

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cigarette, I was 12 years old 
because again, there was really 

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not a lot of supervision and 
then you, your parents aren't 

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there to speaking to you who you
are. 

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So how old were you when you 
went to England? 

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We were eleven, I was 11 years 
old and my sister was 9. 

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And so I'm responsible for my 
sister. 

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I, I was 11, didn't really know 
who I was. 

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I'm very insecure, very 
insecure. 

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I was bullied a lot because in 
that the boarding school was 

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that mixed mixture of cultures, 
But you know, I was one of the 

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few black kids in my class and, 
you know, so I was bullied 

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pretty early on and then already
had identity issues before I got

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there. 
You know which a lot of people 

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when I explain some of the stuff
I went through as a young 

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person, I like. 
What does that mean? 

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So out of the out of the girls, 
I'm the darkest skin color. 

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And unfortunately a lot of 
communities, colorism is a thing

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where your, your skin tone, you 
can get bullied because you're 

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darker skin. 
And so I was bullied for that 

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even before I went to boarding 
school. 

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So I was already really 
insecure, already wanting people

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to like me, very unaware of the 
fact that I wanted people to 

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like me. 
And so when I was bullied, I had

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to figure out a way to be to be 
liked, so to fit in or to at 

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least have something that was 
good at. 

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And so it ended up being 
academics. 

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So I was like, OK, well, if I 
can be smart, then I don't care.

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You're going to have to like me 
or you're going to have to deal 

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with me at some point because 
I'm smart. 

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And so I really kind of poured 
into that world and really was 

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trying to be like the best 
whatever academically and in the

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00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,200
sciences. 
And so that's kind of how I 

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ended up in my field. 
But yeah, so, you know, finished

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school in England and came to 
the US when I was 16. 

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I finished school there. 
Actually, while I was there, 

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something really traumatic 
happened to my whole family. 

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So my parents went back home to 
Africa. 

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So 92, we go to England, my 
parents go back home, my dad's 

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doing really well financially. 
We're doing well financially 

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00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:39,360
because, I mean, he's sending us
to school out of the country, so

224
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,680
he's got to be doing. 
Yeah. 

225
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:48,120
So he's doing really well. 
And then what happened again in 

226
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:52,240
96, this time it was a lot more 
traumatic because my 2 younger 

227
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:57,200
sisters were there, 1-2, we were
there, we were in England and we

228
00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,720
had lost communication. 
And so we didn't even know if 

229
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,320
they're alive. 
There was no way for us to track

230
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,000
it. 
We were staying with family 

231
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,760
friends, so we had no clue what 
was going on. 

232
00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,920
And I think if I had to trace a 
time where I started to really 

233
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,920
be God curious, it was around 
that time, which was wow, like, 

234
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,600
I could be an orphan. 
Like, I could not have, you 

235
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,320
know, parents to take care of 
me. 

236
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:25,600
And at my school, there was a 
religious studies teacher. 

237
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:29,320
And she was a devout Christian 
lady, British lady. 

238
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:34,440
And she just for some, I know 
it's the Lord, but he, she just 

239
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:36,960
had a affection for me and my 
sister. 

240
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,840
And, you know, at that point, my
parents weren't able to pay 

241
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,120
school fees. 
There was no way to pay for us 

242
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,840
to stay there. 
And she offered to open up her 

243
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,720
home to us. 
Just like they can live with me 

244
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:51,440
and finish up school and go, you
know, go to America if they need

245
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:54,600
to, but let them finish, let her
finish her education. 

246
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:58,880
And so she she told the school 
that and I guess her just 

247
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:01,400
petitioning for us is how we 
stayed there, finished out 

248
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,320
school. 
What a what a God thing. 

249
00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,160
Yeah, it was definitely God 
thing. 

250
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,360
So, yeah. 
So forward, Fast forward, come 

251
00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:11,080
here at 16, I go to college 
again. 

252
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,600
I don't have to be people don't 
have to like me. 

253
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,000
I don't be pretty, but I can be 
smart. 

254
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,960
So that was where I put a lot of
my identity was in my 

255
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,920
intelligence, my ability to do 
certain things, to be smart. 

256
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:27,560
And so I just poured into that, 
still very insecure, still very 

257
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:31,240
don't know who I am. 
And now I'm letting the world 

258
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:34,600
define who I am and letting 
other people define who I am. 

259
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,760
And so I'm smart. 
I'm going to be a doctor, da da 

260
00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,560
da da da. 
So you already knew at a young. 

261
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:39,800
Age, Yeah. 
I didn't know at a young age I 

262
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:43,640
wanted to be a doctor. 
And so I just kind of plowed 

263
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,640
through and just was focused on 
the academic side. 

264
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:50,720
And I was in the honors dorm. 
I went to Morris Brown College. 

265
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,640
Shut up. 
Morris Brown Brown Heights is as

266
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:55,200
historically black College in 
Atlanta. 

267
00:13:55,320 --> 00:14:00,200
And so I went to Morris Brown 
and really just poured into 

268
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:03,360
that, really enjoyed it. 
My mom worked at the school and 

269
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,720
so I just loved going to school 
there. 

270
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:10,080
And I lived in an honors dorm, 
which is for the like students 

271
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:12,760
who had high GPA. 
Again, my identity and my 

272
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:20,920
intelligence and somebody who 
was there in the honors dorm was

273
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:23,800
going to church and kept 
inviting me. 

274
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,800
I kept trying to dodge her 
somehow just dodging her on her.

275
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,680
But eventually she just she was 
just persistent. 

276
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:36,520
She was just very persistent in 
in asking me to come. 

277
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,120
Her name was Tamika. 
So she just kept asking me and 

278
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,120
asking me persistently asking 
me. 

279
00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:46,440
And at the time I was dating 
this guy and he was very like 

280
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:49,800
possessive over me because I was
at the dorm. 

281
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:53,480
And so he wanted me to come hang
out with him one Saturday night.

282
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,280
And I was like, no, I'm going to
church in the morning. 

283
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:58,880
And then we broke up over it. 
So yeah. 

284
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:03,000
So I we went to church and went 
to a new birth at the time we 

285
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:07,920
just in Decatur. 
And I just was like, wow, like, 

286
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:10,400
this is amazing. 
I felt something was different. 

287
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:12,760
I was always curious. 
My grandmother used to talk to 

288
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:16,120
me about God but like for the 
first time I really wanted to 

289
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:20,600
know him for myself and so 
started going to church there, 

290
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:25,600
started singing wow singing on 
the praise team even though I 

291
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,880
wasn't even saved which is crazy
to me. 

292
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,720
I know I think about stuff like 
that too. 

293
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,400
Sometimes. 
I'm like, I'm a kid. 

294
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,480
I can't. 
It's crazy to me that you can 

295
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:36,120
just be singing on the praise 
team and don't even know Jesus. 

296
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:39,040
I've I've done a few episodes 
with a few worship leaders and 

297
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,280
like, I'm like, you know, 
sometimes we're not going to 

298
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:44,280
jump into this, but you know, 
I'm sure like it's hard to have 

299
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:47,760
your heart posture when you have
a talent, but it's like being 

300
00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:50,920
used to glorify God. 
But then like the enemy will use

301
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:54,520
that well, because we know that 
the enemy use a song and he was 

302
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,800
under the worship. 
So exactly we're not going to 

303
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,920
jump in that today. 
But yes, that is crazy. 

304
00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:02,120
So you already jump in and try 
to dive into a team in a 

305
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:05,040
community. 
But I'm not saved at all. 

306
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,000
So. 
But you know, they're like, oh, 

307
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,440
you can sing. 
OK, So I joined the praise team 

308
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:15,320
and I'm singing and the so it is
all leads up to me getting saved

309
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:17,360
eventually. 
So at that time, I think I was, 

310
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:20,080
well, I was 17. 
I remember because I went to 

311
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:23,920
college early and they had this 
college conference. 

312
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:26,880
And so all of us, all the 
college ministry people were 

313
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:28,920
there. 
And so we have this conference. 

314
00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,160
I'm leading worship at this 
conference. 

315
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:35,920
It's crazy to me and not safe. 
And we finished leading. 

316
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:39,560
We go into the, you know, into 
the auditorium and, and you 

317
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:43,840
know, the message is being 
shared and, and it was really 

318
00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:45,880
supernatural. 
It's actually my birthday. 

319
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,120
So or it was about to be my 
birthday. 

320
00:16:49,040 --> 00:16:52,640
And I just remember the thing I 
remember the most about getting 

321
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:58,280
saved was that the Holy Spirit 
showed up in that building. 

322
00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:00,960
I never encountered God like 
that before. 

323
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:04,599
I've been at church and I knew 
about God, but he showed up in 

324
00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:06,880
like a tangible way. 
There were people. 

325
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,359
I mean, we're talking about 
college students 18 and 22 

326
00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:12,960
running to the altar. 
No altar call. 

327
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,960
The Holy Spirit just swept 
through that room and you could 

328
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,720
see it. 
It's almost like a wave, you 

329
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,480
know, like at the stadiums where
there's a wave and you start 

330
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:24,200
seeing people just weeping and 
then you start see people laying

331
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,640
on the ground and you start 
people getting on their knees. 

332
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:30,720
I'm like, what is happening? 
And then it just hits me. 

333
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:35,240
And right there in that moment, 
I'm like, I, I'm a Sinner. 

334
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:39,000
I need to go get saved. 
And I rushed to the altar and 

335
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,000
we're stepping over people 
because people are laid out in 

336
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,920
the floor. 
I've never seen anything like 

337
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:46,640
that since that. 
People are laid out, young 

338
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,600
people just laid out on the 
floor. 

339
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,640
And so I rush up. 
There are so many young people 

340
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,400
going to the altar to get saved 
that they didn't have enough 

341
00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,640
pastors to. 
So they weren't expecting. 

342
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,040
They weren't expecting it. 
Yeah, because the Lord showed up

343
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:04,120
and one of the pastor's wives 
sees me and she grabs me and she

344
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,960
said, what's going on? 
I said I need to get saved. 

345
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,920
And so she leaves me. 
The sinners prayer, right? 

346
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,640
Standing right next to each 
other, so whispering in my ear. 

347
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,840
And I give my life to Christ 
that night. 

348
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:16,280
How old? 
Are you and so at 18, you know, 

349
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:19,760
give my life to Christ and it 
really I say this all the time 

350
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:24,280
in prayer, but he really it 
really changed the trajectory of

351
00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:26,040
my life. 
It really did. 

352
00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:31,760
I, I think I knew I was smart, 
but I knew that what I was going

353
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:35,120
to become, it was not going to 
be good because it was going to 

354
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:39,400
be very much my identity was 
going to be in that and it 

355
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,600
wasn't going to be in him. 
And anytime you put your 

356
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:47,320
identity in something outside of
him, that moment that goes away,

357
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,960
who are you? 
There's nothing. 

358
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,240
Who are you? 
You know, if Christ is not who 

359
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,760
your identity is, is sealed in, 
then you'll tend to be very 

360
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,960
insecure. 
So for I'll give you the 

361
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,760
example. 
So you know, in in medicine, 

362
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,040
there are a lot of smart people.
I'm not the smartest. 

363
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:04,680
I'm never in fact, I was never 
the smartest in the room. 

364
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:07,520
OK, I was very average in my 
class. 

365
00:19:07,520 --> 00:19:11,720
I was young in my class, but if 
they were to rank everybody in 

366
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:14,560
the class, I definitely was not 
the smartest person. 

367
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:19,000
I was like, you know, CS get 
degrees that that's that's. 

368
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:23,880
That's that's across the board. 
See, to get in, it's harder, but

369
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,160
once you're there, C's get to 
grease. 

370
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:32,080
I, I, I coasted right at a, like
a, a high C, low B all the way 

371
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:35,440
through medical school. 
I was not the smartest person in

372
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:39,720
the room, but my identity at 
that point getting to medical 

373
00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:42,640
school was in Christ. 
It wasn't in myself. 

374
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:47,160
And so if I can be in a room 
with really smart people or 

375
00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,160
people who are not as smart as 
me, it wasn't about that. 

376
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:53,560
It was about the Lord. 
You know, he was my identity. 

377
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:59,480
And so, yeah, so I got saved. 
I started applying to school. 

378
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:03,080
And at that time I was doing 
praise and worship at the church

379
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:08,480
and still in college. 
And so, you know, applied 

380
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,280
schools did all these different 
things. 

381
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,640
But that was the first time I 
actually struggle with like, 

382
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,880
should I really be a doctor 
because. 

383
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,400
You know, I'm really good at 
this praise and worship thing. 

384
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,160
I really enjoy it. 
I love it. 

385
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:22,480
And so apply to schools. 
Don't know if I'm going to get 

386
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:25,480
accepted anywhere and I get 
accepted and now there's this 

387
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:28,640
internal struggle, like what do 
I do now, Lord? 

388
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:32,560
Because am I doing this for me 
and my ego or am I doing it for 

389
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:37,000
you? 
But the Lord can use all, all 

390
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,760
avenues of your life to be used,
you know, for his glory. 

391
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:44,640
So I prayed on it. 
I fasted on it and I go to 

392
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:48,080
medical school now. 
What's crazy is I was, it was at

393
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,960
the height of our church at the 
time. 

394
00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:53,800
That church was really popular 
in like the 90s or early 2000s. 

395
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:59,000
Everybody knew our pastor and so
he was like he was, it was 

396
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,320
cutting edge to church had like 
10,000 seats. 

397
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:05,600
It was a huge mega church at the
time when I walked away from it.

398
00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:09,400
And so I was like, am I really 
making a really stupid decision?

399
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,840
And then my for a lot of my 
friends didn't believe in me. 

400
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:15,120
They were like how you go to 
medical school and going to debt

401
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,360
when you could just do praise 
and worship. 

402
00:21:17,360 --> 00:21:19,480
I was singing with a gospel 
artist at the time, doing 

403
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:22,280
background vocals like so I was 
really. 

404
00:21:22,480 --> 00:21:24,200
I can see where the internal 
struggle. 

405
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,480
Yeah, I was really climbing 
again. 

406
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:28,680
It's your idea or is it what you
do? 

407
00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,680
Because here I am singing, I'm 
singing background vocals for 

408
00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,840
people. 
I'm doing all this stuff and you

409
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,640
could look at it and be like, 
oh, you're successful here, why 

410
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,920
would you go to school? 
And I had to let all of that go 

411
00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,640
at a really successful church, 
really successful college 

412
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,840
ministry, really successful 
music career and just leave it 

413
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,320
and trust that God is telling me
to go here. 

414
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,760
So I go, I'm still questioning 
it. 

415
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,480
I'm crying, I'm fasting, I'm 
praying, and just like I go to 

416
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:58,080
school and I don't even have 
anywhere to stay yet because 

417
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,520
we're waiting on the Student 
Loans to help pay for all. 

418
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,440
So I'm pretty much I show up to 
the school early because they 

419
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,720
ask us to come for the summer 
program and have nowhere to 

420
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,680
live. 
I'm staying with a family friend

421
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:11,240
in New Jersey somewhere drive, 
you know, and I don't even have 

422
00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:13,760
my car at the time. 
So I'm taking the bus and the 

423
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,920
train get there. 
So I go to class. 

424
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:19,400
I'm sitting next to this girl, 
her name is Charlene, and we're 

425
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,880
sitting next to each other and 
she's like, OK, what are you 

426
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,080
about to? 
I said, do you mind giving me a 

427
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:26,760
ride to the train station? 
She's like to go where I said to

428
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,560
go to New Jersey. 
She said, you're doing this 

429
00:22:29,560 --> 00:22:32,040
every day. 
I said every day. 

430
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:34,840
I'm just trusting God. 
I'm listening to gospel music 

431
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:37,440
every day as I'm going back and 
forth on the train. 

432
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:40,720
She's like, no, you have to come
stay with me. 

433
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,440
Wow, so intention. 
God is so intentional. 

434
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,400
That's so crazy. 
I knew it was the Lord. 

435
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:49,360
So like he just kept confirming 
like you're right where I want 

436
00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:54,160
you to. 
And so I, I stayed with her free

437
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:55,440
of charge. 
She doesn't charge me anything. 

438
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:59,240
She feeds me every day, but I 
have no money to give her. 

439
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,680
I don't have just enough for 
what I was using on the bus. 

440
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,880
So I would try to give her money
towards groceries. 

441
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:05,200
Just like girl, don't worry 
about it. 

442
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:06,880
I'm fine. 
I have a job. 

443
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:10,240
You're good and took care of me 
until that money came in for me 

444
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:14,160
to get my own place. 
And really, I just knew God just

445
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,200
kept constantly confirming to me
like you're, you're where I want

446
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:20,200
you to be. 
And so I remember we do this 

447
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:25,280
white coat ceremony at, at at 
medical school, you know, early 

448
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,600
on just to kind of, you know, so
I'm still struggling like, am I 

449
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,560
where I need to be? 
All these different things 

450
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,640
you're confirming. 
But during that white coat 

451
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:35,920
ceremony, so I'm ADO. 
So that's osteopathic physician.

452
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:41,360
So slightly different, slightly 
different than the MD. 

453
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:45,720
And so they think they believe 
that the body is the body has 

454
00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:48,720
ability to heal itself and we're
really just kind of helping the 

455
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:55,200
body heal. 
And so yeah, so so I'm in the 

456
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:58,320
class and they're talking about 
the history of osteopathic 

457
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:00,760
medicine. 
One of the key points is that it

458
00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:03,360
really started out from a place 
of ministry. 

459
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:10,440
It was a pastor son became the 
one of the first D OS and just 

460
00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:13,440
believe that the ways they were 
treating patients were toxic, 

461
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,640
like all these drugs and things 
they were giving them and 

462
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:18,480
believe that the body could heal
itself. 

463
00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:22,960
And so he he comes up with all 
these different ways of looking 

464
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:24,520
at the body. 
And so now it's a part of 

465
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,440
medicine. 
And as this person, historians 

466
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:31,120
teaching the history of 
osteopathic medicine, the Lord's

467
00:24:31,120 --> 00:24:33,640
like, you see, I'm telling you, 
you're where you need. 

468
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:35,280
To be just. 
Another sign. 

469
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:38,200
Just another sign. 
So, yeah, so I did really, you 

470
00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:41,560
know, I really, that's where 
kind of my trajectory to being a

471
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:43,280
doctor started at. 
Wow. 

472
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:45,720
That's what I was struggling 
with when I talked to you the 

473
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:48,360
first time. 
Like, God, I know you give 

474
00:24:48,360 --> 00:24:50,720
doctors and medicine and stuff 
like this. 

475
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:53,600
Like, do I count on you or do I 
count on medicine? 

476
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,760
But I mean, in your field, you 
kind of are more. 

477
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:59,160
Your body knows yourself. 
Yeah. 

478
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:02,080
God or holistic? 
Yeah, I was. 

479
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:07,600
Well, the osteopathic medicine 
just believes that that you're a

480
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:11,960
whole person, your mind, your 
body, your spirit, you're you're

481
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:17,320
not just a body. 
And and so as a result of that, 

482
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:20,240
when you're treating a person, 
you're not treating just their 

483
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:22,040
mind. 
That's why as a Christian, like 

484
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:25,800
I really resonate with ADO or 
being an osteopathic physician, 

485
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:28,800
because it's you still have a 
lot of the training of the MDI 

486
00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:31,200
still prescribe medicines. 
I still do all the things that M

487
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:34,440
DS do, but when I talk to 
patients, I'm looking at their 

488
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:36,840
whole person. 
So the patient comes in and 

489
00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:41,520
says, you know, Hey, I'm having 
a, you know, I'm, you know, my 

490
00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:44,560
blood pressure's really high. 
I'm also saying, what's your 

491
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,760
stress levels look like? 
What does life look like for 

492
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:48,720
you? 
And so I'm looking at them as a 

493
00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:53,080
whole person, which I really 
think is a Christian principle. 

494
00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:54,840
It really is a Christian 
principle. 

495
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:57,560
Like we're, we're made in the 
image of God. 

496
00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:00,520
We're a whole person made in the
image of God. 

497
00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:05,400
So if you just look at them as a
body or just a like a meat sack 

498
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:10,400
and that's all you look at a 
person as you're missing 2/3 of 

499
00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:14,280
you know of who they are, their 
mind and their spirit. 

500
00:26:14,280 --> 00:26:16,880
They have a soul. 
They as something deeper. 

501
00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:20,560
And so a lot of times, you know,
you know, even in medicine, 

502
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,960
sometimes I'm like, I know the 
answer is Jesus for a lot of 

503
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:26,200
people. 
But you know, the climate we 

504
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:29,880
live in, you know, you just have
to share as much as you can. 

505
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:33,040
But I know for a lot of people, 
the answer is your soul is 

506
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:37,840
desiring something that these 
meds that that medicine won't 

507
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:40,320
fulfill. 
We can try to treat the medical 

508
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,400
conditions and treat you. 
But I know deep down, so your 

509
00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:47,000
soul needs Jesus. 
You know, so that's what I was 

510
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:50,840
just thinking about when you 
said that of like when 

511
00:26:50,840 --> 00:26:53,080
somebody's going through 
something or they feel like 

512
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:55,040
they're going in their 
depressive state or something 

513
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:56,080
like that. 
And I'm like, well, what's your 

514
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,840
quiet time look like? 
Like where's your spiritual 

515
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:02,120
walking like look like? 
Because if we start, you know, 

516
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:06,280
going back, our mentality and 
stuff like that does start to 

517
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:08,240
suffer too. 
Absolutely. 

518
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:12,400
And a lot of times I think we, 
we, and I'm not saying by all 

519
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:14,800
means that medicine doesn't have
its place of death. 

520
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,080
Yes. 
And, you know, as a physician, I

521
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:21,280
mean, there are things that I 
treat that even you can pray you

522
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:24,560
can, but there's certain things 
that I treat with medications, 

523
00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:28,680
you know, but I have to look at 
the whole person what's 

524
00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:31,600
contributing to these things. 
You know, I'm very strongly 

525
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:33,320
believe in counselling. 
There's some patients who 

526
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:36,960
really, you know, medications 
will help, but you need to do 

527
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:39,520
the work. 
You can take a medication for 

528
00:27:39,520 --> 00:27:43,120
anxiety, but if you're not doing
the emotional work, you're just 

529
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:44,720
going to be dependent on that 
medication. 

530
00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:46,080
Just numbing it. 
Just numbing. 

531
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:48,280
It was like putting a Band-Aid 
over a wound. 

532
00:27:48,360 --> 00:27:50,920
We're not, we're not dealing 
with anything. 

533
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,280
So the medicine's supposed to be
like anesthetic. 

534
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:56,440
That's how I feel like I tell 
patients, you know, this is this

535
00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:59,040
is like using lidocaine on a, on
a wound. 

536
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,760
It'll numb it enough for you to 
go do the work. 

537
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:05,400
But if you don't go do the work,
it's just there. 

538
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:07,480
It's just, it's going to 
continue to be there and you 

539
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:10,320
just, it's just numb, but it's 
not dealt with. 

540
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:13,480
It's not cleaned out. 
It's not, it's not been washed. 

541
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:15,200
I can't. 
Be a doctor. 

542
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:19,200
Oh no, I have a weak stomach, 
I'm getting nauseous all. 

543
00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:22,960
Well, you know what I'm saying, 
like, and so emotionally, if 

544
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:26,040
you're, if you're taking, you 
know, if you're treating it, but

545
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:29,040
you're not going to therapy, 
you're not working through the 

546
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:33,200
things that are going on in your
heart and letting the Lord 

547
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:36,520
reveal to you. 
A lot of times that quiet time 

548
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,600
is for him to speak. 
And a lot of times the reason 

549
00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:43,320
why we don't like to be quiet is
we don't really want to hear our

550
00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:46,080
our we don't want to hear that 
we struggle with Santa. 

551
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:48,720
We don't want to hear the things
that he has to tell us. 

552
00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:51,760
Like, oh, this is an area you 
struggle in. 

553
00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:55,160
I don't want to hear that. 
So I'd rather have noise than to

554
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:56,840
be still enough for him to talk 
to. 

555
00:28:57,360 --> 00:29:01,280
So a lot of a lot of us are as 
even as Christians are just 

556
00:29:01,280 --> 00:29:04,080
distracted and we're distracted 
because we really don't want to 

557
00:29:04,080 --> 00:29:07,640
have to deal with the internal 
world that's going on inside of 

558
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:08,480
us. 
We rather deal with the 

559
00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:10,240
external, I think. 
True. 

560
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:12,080
Yeah. 
So, yeah. 

561
00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:15,440
So that was, you know, my 
journey to becoming a physician 

562
00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:17,160
or Christian physician as what I
would say. 

563
00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:21,120
And so, but during that whole 
process, you know, the Christian

564
00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:24,560
walk is like a ebb and flow. 
You'll have sometimes where and 

565
00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:29,440
I was, you know, during my from 
18 to about 2122, I was like at 

566
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:33,880
the height of my Christian walk.
But if you don't have community,

567
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:36,160
you will. 
It's so easy to fall. 

568
00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:38,960
And so when I went to medical 
school, the one negative that I 

569
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:42,240
wish I had done, which is find a
church community immediately, I 

570
00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:44,320
didn't do that. 
And so I started hanging out 

571
00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:48,160
with friends and with them, you 
know, people I knew that weren't

572
00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:51,720
walking the way I was walking. 
And so I completely strayed from

573
00:29:51,720 --> 00:29:53,440
my walk. 
I mean, I was just like, oh, I'm

574
00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:55,560
just out here living my life, 
you know? 

575
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:58,200
Yeah, Jesus got me here. 
But I mean, I'm here now, do 

576
00:29:58,200 --> 00:30:00,920
whatever I want to do. 
So that's pretty much what I 

577
00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:02,600
did. 
That's a hard place to get. 

578
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:05,360
Yeah. 
And I and I got there now, and I

579
00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:07,440
had a lot of consequences for 
it, but. 

580
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:13,360
And so I, you know, in that 
season where I really wasn't 

581
00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:17,800
putting God first, I started 
dating and meeting people and 

582
00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:21,200
really just, I mean, completely 
far away from the Lord. 

583
00:30:21,200 --> 00:30:24,600
And so that's the season I met 
my husband and I didn't ask God 

584
00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:26,800
at all. 
Like, and mind you, we grew up 

585
00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:28,600
together. 
I knew his parents, his parents 

586
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:30,840
knew me, my sisters as God, God 
sister. 

587
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:33,640
Oh, wow. 
So that he was very familiar. 

588
00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:35,120
We were familiar with each 
other. 

589
00:30:35,120 --> 00:30:37,560
We grew up together. 
So it's like, oh, this is this 

590
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:38,760
is it. 
This is perfect. 

591
00:30:38,760 --> 00:30:41,400
You know, I love him. 
He loves me. 

592
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:43,880
Our families love each other. 
It's just going to be easy. 

593
00:30:43,880 --> 00:30:45,360
It was just easy. 
Yeah. 

594
00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:48,200
It was just very easy. 
But this is the thing. 

595
00:30:48,200 --> 00:30:51,440
Just because it's easy doesn't 
mean just because every door 

596
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,400
that's open isn't the door 
you're meant to walk through. 

597
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:55,480
Oh. 
That is good. 

598
00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:00,880
I actually have talked about 
this on here before of like 

599
00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:04,800
there's if there's 2 doors, one,
this could be God's will for 

600
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:08,800
you, but Satan will make it look
just like it, just mirror it 

601
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:11,840
just slightly. 
And so that's when the 

602
00:31:11,840 --> 00:31:15,440
discernment in the alignment of 
Jesus to know this is where I'm 

603
00:31:15,440 --> 00:31:18,880
supposed to go, not this. 
And or even just pray and ask 

604
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:21,720
and I think I would know for 
sure in that season I never 

605
00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:24,280
asked the Lord. 
I didn't ask him like is this my

606
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:27,800
person or I would ask him but I 
wouldn't wait for an answer. 

607
00:31:27,800 --> 00:31:30,320
Yeah, or you already made your 
mind up of the and. 

608
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:32,480
Exactly what I did, yeah. 
I made-up my mind. 

609
00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:34,480
I made-up my mind. 
I was like, this is who I'm 

610
00:31:34,480 --> 00:31:36,600
going to be with. 
And I was very stubborn in that 

611
00:31:36,600 --> 00:31:38,760
regard. 
And so I was just like, all 

612
00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:41,960
right, this is my guy and you 
know, I don't care what anybody 

613
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:44,480
thinks. 
And people had opinions about my

614
00:31:44,480 --> 00:31:46,640
relationship, but I was like, 
this is my person. 

615
00:31:46,640 --> 00:31:47,880
I don't care how y'all feel 
about it. 

616
00:31:48,160 --> 00:31:52,240
And that includes the Lord, 
which is horrible to say, but 

617
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:53,440
that's just the truth how it 
was. 

618
00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:55,400
It's the truth including the 
Lord. 

619
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:57,640
The Lord's probably telling me 
or he was probably showing me. 

620
00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:00,320
And I was like, Nah, I got this.
I don't need you here. 

621
00:32:00,960 --> 00:32:03,560
Appreciate you go over there as 
I handle this. 

622
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:05,960
Yeah, on my own. 
And isn't that human nature? 

623
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:07,520
We think we can handle it and we
can't. 

624
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:13,280
So get married, go through 
medical school, residency and, 

625
00:32:13,280 --> 00:32:16,920
you know, just live life. 
And then I moved here to, we 

626
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:20,880
moved back to Georgia around 
2009 is when I came here to, to 

627
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:23,520
Georgia, still didn't have a 
church home. 

628
00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:26,400
We had just kind of started 
dabbling in going to church when

629
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:29,720
we were in North Carolina where 
I was for residency, we really 

630
00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:33,640
weren't in a church community. 
Again, didn't put God first at 

631
00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:37,440
all. 
So just kind of living life and 

632
00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,240
then got pregnant with. 
So I had my first child while I 

633
00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:43,280
was in residency, while I was in
training. 

634
00:32:43,280 --> 00:32:45,600
And then the second child I was 
working. 

635
00:32:46,120 --> 00:32:49,680
I'm like I said, I was happy I 
was I didn't have any, you know,

636
00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:51,880
qualms or anything going on with
me. 

637
00:32:52,320 --> 00:33:00,000
But around 2010, in fact, I'm 
how I got to new how to got to 

638
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:02,600
Rock Springs was because of my 
ex-husband. 

639
00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:07,640
So he he was in culinary school.
So he was driving back and forth

640
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:11,440
from Thomaston to like Atlanta 
to go to culinary school. 

641
00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,880
And on one of the routes he saw 
this sign for Rock Springs and 

642
00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:18,000
like, what's this church? 
So he drives down there and sees

643
00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:22,240
this huge campus at the time, 
the branch and the main camps, 

644
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:23,720
and you're like, this is 
ridiculous. 

645
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:25,720
It's the mill, nowhere. 
Where is the church? 

646
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,680
It is just literally. 
Just like middle drop the mill 

647
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:31,000
nowhere, farmland everywhere, 
boom. 

648
00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:33,920
Yes, exactly. 
So he goes over there and he's 

649
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:37,480
like peeking through the window 
of the branch because it looked 

650
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,280
like it had a kitchen. 
So he's like, oh, this is so 

651
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:41,360
cool. 
And while he's looking, I think 

652
00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:43,800
Cameron comes up to him like, 
hey, man, like what's gone? 

653
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:45,400
Like, why are you peeking 
through the window? 

654
00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:50,520
And so he meets him. 
He invites us to his home and he

655
00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:52,960
didn't know us from anywhere, 
but he just, that's why I love 

656
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:57,080
me some Cameron Shifflett. 
But he invited us into his home,

657
00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:02,440
didn't know us from anywhere and
just, you know, just made us 

658
00:34:02,440 --> 00:34:05,640
feel welcome. 
And so we joined the church. 

659
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:08,440
Living in Thomaston. 
Well, we're living in Thomaston 

660
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:10,920
because that's where my first 
job was, the first job out of 

661
00:34:10,920 --> 00:34:13,400
residency, you kind of just go 
wherever they'll hire you, pay 

662
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:15,360
you well. 
So that's where I went. 

663
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:19,120
And so, but God orchestrated 
that because had we not been, 

664
00:34:19,120 --> 00:34:21,239
Thomaston would have been really
difficult to get to. 

665
00:34:21,239 --> 00:34:23,120
I wouldn't have even known about
a Rock Springs. 

666
00:34:23,120 --> 00:34:29,080
And so, yeah, we joined the 
church in 2010 and been there 

667
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:30,440
ever since. 
Haven't looked back. 

668
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:32,760
You haven't looked back. 
But I will sit and started 

669
00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:35,159
singing back again. 
I hadn't sung in like 8. 

670
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:37,840
I can tell you what. 
When I got to medical school, 

671
00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:40,040
from medical school up until 
residence, he hadn't sung. 

672
00:34:40,239 --> 00:34:43,120
It's almost 10 years. 
I hadn't sung in a in a choir, 

673
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:46,760
hadn't done any of it. 
And, but getting back into music

674
00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:51,199
got me back to the Lord because 
really again, I, I didn't have a

675
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:54,800
personal study time. 
I wasn't in my word, I wasn't 

676
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:56,480
reading scripture, I wasn't 
doing any of that. 

677
00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:59,080
I was just living my life. 
I'm too busy. 

678
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:02,320
I don't have time for that. 
It's a really, you know, Pastor 

679
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:04,760
Benny challenges us to have a 
relationship with the Lord. 

680
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:08,280
And so I started being really 
challenged, like I don't have my

681
00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:10,000
own relationship. 
I'm not talking to him, not 

682
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:12,920
praying, spending time with the 
Lord. 

683
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,360
And I think that was the 
beginning of where the tension 

684
00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:18,480
began, because as I started to 
grow in my relationship with 

685
00:35:18,480 --> 00:35:21,120
Christ, then there's a lot of 
tension. 

686
00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:26,120
Now it's, you know, I put my 
husband on a pedestal. 

687
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:29,560
I put him where God was supposed
to be. 

688
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:33,600
And so no matter how things were
difficult in our relationship or

689
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:36,120
what was going wrong, I would 
pedestalize him. 

690
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,560
And the thing about God is He 
will not allow anybody to be in 

691
00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:41,880
that spot that he's supposed to.
Be he's going to knock it down. 

692
00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:44,600
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 
And so we start having our 

693
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:46,840
struggles and our issues in our 
marriage. 

694
00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:50,880
And that tension just began. 
It began that tension. 

695
00:35:51,240 --> 00:35:55,800
And there was a point in where 
he left the church and wanted me

696
00:35:55,800 --> 00:36:00,520
to leave with him. 
And I was like, Lord, what do I 

697
00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:02,360
do? 
Because at this point now I'm 

698
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:04,360
growing in my faith. 
I'm growing my relationship with

699
00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:07,440
God. 
I'm really, really doing well. 

700
00:36:07,480 --> 00:36:09,880
And the Lord was very clear 
about what I should do. 

701
00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:12,520
And right there, that was a 
pivotal point. 

702
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:15,960
And I don't know if it would 
have been spiritual death, but 

703
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:18,560
it felt like I would have, if I 
left there would have died 

704
00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:20,240
somehow. 
And I think it would have been a

705
00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:24,200
spiritual death to leave, which 
was very difficult because now 

706
00:36:24,480 --> 00:36:28,120
as I'm in direct conflict with 
what's happening in my home, he 

707
00:36:28,120 --> 00:36:30,080
doesn't want me going to church 
there anymore. 

708
00:36:30,480 --> 00:36:34,320
And I'm choosing to follow the 
Lord, which in the times before 

709
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:37,320
I didn't ask him, I was doing 
whatever I wanted to do. 

710
00:36:37,320 --> 00:36:39,600
But now I'm saying, Lord, what 
do you want me to do? 

711
00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:42,320
And he's saying, I want you to 
choose me. 

712
00:36:42,320 --> 00:36:45,600
I want you to choose here as 
this is your, this is your 

713
00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:48,680
family, this is your community, 
these are your people. 

714
00:36:48,800 --> 00:36:51,720
And so when I made that choice, 
all hell broke loose. 

715
00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:55,960
All attention, all the things 
that were wrong in our marriage 

716
00:36:56,440 --> 00:37:00,640
came to a head. 
So it just started going down 

717
00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:03,640
quickly and sure. 
It did because again, I and 

718
00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:06,280
that's, you know, you have to 
take responsibility for the 

719
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:08,440
parts that you create in the 
relationship. 

720
00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:11,080
I think there were several 
things that I can look at myself

721
00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:13,200
and see how I did. 
And one of the things is when 

722
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:16,120
you pedestal, when you 
pedestalize somebody, if that's 

723
00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:20,200
even a word on, you know, that's
right. 

724
00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:23,440
When you put somebody on a 
pedestal and then you have to 

725
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:25,840
remove them because you're 
putting God there, that's going 

726
00:37:25,840 --> 00:37:28,800
to cause conflict. 
And so we began the relationship

727
00:37:28,800 --> 00:37:33,280
with me putting him above God 
and saying God, this is who I, I

728
00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:37,400
choose him over you. 
And so now we're choosing the 

729
00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:39,160
opposite. 
How's that not going to cause 

730
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:40,840
conflict? 
It's going to cause conflict. 

731
00:37:41,280 --> 00:37:44,160
And then two, I was not a really
honest person in my 

732
00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:47,600
relationship. 
I, I was a people pleaser. 

733
00:37:47,800 --> 00:37:51,080
I was a, you know, I don't want 
to be in any conflict. 

734
00:37:51,080 --> 00:37:52,480
I didn't recognize that 
conflict. 

735
00:37:52,480 --> 00:37:55,080
This can be a good thing if you 
look at it the right way because

736
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:57,640
it reveals who you are and 
reveals who the other person is.

737
00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:00,560
And I didn't like conflict. 
So I would just avoid. 

738
00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:04,560
I wouldn't talk about things. 
I would kind of get silent. 

739
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:07,560
There were things that I didn't 
agree with that I didn't say 

740
00:38:08,080 --> 00:38:09,400
that. 
Now on the other side of it, 

741
00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:11,080
we're divorced. 
I can talk about those things, 

742
00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:13,920
but we didn't talk about 
difficult things, difficult 

743
00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:17,800
conversations. 
And so there are a lot of ways I

744
00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:20,960
played into the demise of our 
marriage because had I said some

745
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:23,520
things early on, I don't know if
it would have survived. 

746
00:38:23,520 --> 00:38:26,360
I know that more importantly, 
God was not first place in my 

747
00:38:26,360 --> 00:38:29,640
life or in his life at the time.
We were each other's person 

748
00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:32,280
rather than putting God first. 
And whenever God's not first in 

749
00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:36,400
your marriage is, there's going 
to be conflict, because He has. 

750
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:38,560
I understand that very well. 
Yeah, so exactly. 

751
00:38:38,720 --> 00:38:42,040
And so that's, that's where you 
know, that conflict came and 

752
00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:47,000
praying fast and just asking God
to just helped me know what to 

753
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:49,320
do. 
And one day he just, you know, 

754
00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:52,360
my ex-husband just got up and 
said I'm leaving and left. 

755
00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:55,120
And so that was the beginning of
the end. 

756
00:38:55,720 --> 00:38:59,720
But the I, you know, I know, you
know, the Bible, everybody talks

757
00:38:59,720 --> 00:39:01,560
about the Bible verse that God 
hates divorce. 

758
00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:04,960
He hates what it does to us. 
There's a lot of anger 

759
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:08,760
abandonment, which had stuff had
things to do with childhood 

760
00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,320
issues and other things that are
already happened in my life as a

761
00:39:11,320 --> 00:39:14,080
younger person going to school, 
feeling I didn't really have my 

762
00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:16,680
parents there. 
And so now he leaves and now 

763
00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:18,120
feels like another person 
abandons. 

764
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:21,200
But you know, a lot of times if 
we let God do the work in our 

765
00:39:21,200 --> 00:39:23,400
heart, he'll reveal these things
to us. 

766
00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:27,320
So so we get divorced. 
Never wanted to be divorced. 

767
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:29,280
Never. 
I wanted to my kids to grow up 

768
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:32,240
in the house with their dad. 
I never wanted that my parents 

769
00:39:32,240 --> 00:39:33,920
aren't divorced. 
His parents weren't divorced. 

770
00:39:34,240 --> 00:39:39,200
So it was like, what is this 
like culturally is unusual for 

771
00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:42,200
you to get divorced? 
So I was a lot of shame, a lot 

772
00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:45,360
of guilt, a lot of feeling like 
I failed. 

773
00:39:45,600 --> 00:39:48,280
But again, if you put your 
identity anything but Christ. 

774
00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:52,080
And so I put my part of my 
identity was my marriage. 

775
00:39:52,240 --> 00:39:55,680
And so and everybody who knew me
was like, Oh my gosh, I'm really

776
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:58,480
loves her husband. 
So the fact that we got divorced

777
00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:03,360
was shocking to everybody that 
knew us and knew me because of 

778
00:40:03,360 --> 00:40:07,360
how much again, I had put him up
here and it put God up up first.

779
00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:11,240
So. 
Yes, it was a really hard season

780
00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:17,160
for me, for my kids, but God was
just so faithful through all of 

781
00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:19,800
it. 
Like he really that's if there's

782
00:40:19,800 --> 00:40:22,680
I know that again, God hates 
divorce because he hates what it

783
00:40:22,680 --> 00:40:26,120
does to people. 
But I would say my growth, my 

784
00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:30,520
spiritual growth like 
accelerated, yeah, accelerated 

785
00:40:30,520 --> 00:40:31,520
and. 
You're in a season of 

786
00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:34,320
brokenness, yes, because that's 
what he wants from us. 

787
00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:38,000
That's the way he's close to us.
So you're truly you never saw a 

788
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:41,080
divorce in your path and I'm 
sure you're so heartbroken 

789
00:40:41,080 --> 00:40:43,640
because y'all were so close, 
your families and everything 

790
00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:45,720
else. 
So now you're having to depend 

791
00:40:45,720 --> 00:40:48,160
on God. 
Yeah, and that's, that would if 

792
00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:50,600
I had allowed it, that would 
have been the 1st place to be in

793
00:40:50,600 --> 00:40:53,440
the 1st place if I had asked 
him, if I had depended on him, 

794
00:40:53,800 --> 00:40:56,240
if I made him the center. 
So now he is the center. 

795
00:40:56,240 --> 00:40:59,840
Now he is my husband. 
Now he is my person. 

796
00:40:59,880 --> 00:41:02,560
You know, that's who I go to 
those who I ask questions about 

797
00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:06,240
this. 
So it, it changed, you know, it 

798
00:41:06,240 --> 00:41:08,120
changed everything in that 
regard. 

799
00:41:08,120 --> 00:41:13,360
And, and my group exponentially 
in a season of brokenness where 

800
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:17,800
I didn't have, I didn't have 
any, you know, I didn't have 

801
00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:21,160
anywhere to turn. 
But to him financially in every 

802
00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:24,560
way. 
I mean for just, you know, even 

803
00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:28,040
for forgiveness, which I was 
telling you earlier, you know, 

804
00:41:28,040 --> 00:41:30,880
'cause I, I think when, when I 
wasn't able to make it here, 

805
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:33,360
something going on my car, I 
said that he had took you to 

806
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:34,920
work, took me to work and you 
were like, what? 

807
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:36,920
His husband. 
Took me to work. 

808
00:41:37,360 --> 00:41:38,760
What? 
What's going on here? 

809
00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:43,280
But the Lord did, you know, 
during that time of divorce, of 

810
00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:47,480
course, you know, we, you know, 
it's just very bitter and petty.

811
00:41:47,480 --> 00:41:52,280
And I was the height of petty 
like any way I could cause pain 

812
00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:55,160
to him. 
I, I tried to and I look back at

813
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:58,160
some of the things I did and I 
was like, wow, like you really 

814
00:41:58,160 --> 00:42:01,760
were very, very petty because I 
was hurt when he was. 

815
00:42:01,760 --> 00:42:02,840
Hurt. 
Hurt people hurt. 

816
00:42:02,840 --> 00:42:05,320
People and and he was hurt too 
when he was petty, just like I 

817
00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:08,360
was petty. 
But then the Lord just started 

818
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:10,080
doing a work in my heart. 
He's like you, you have to 

819
00:42:10,080 --> 00:42:11,440
forgive. 
And I was like, I don't want to 

820
00:42:11,440 --> 00:42:15,040
forgive. 
Now I always tell people and I 

821
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:16,360
share with my friends whatever I
said. 

822
00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:19,080
It's really important to be 
honest with the Lord and talk to

823
00:42:19,080 --> 00:42:20,880
him because I was like, I don't 
want him. 

824
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:23,720
I don't want to forgive him. 
If I'm telling the truth, I want

825
00:42:23,720 --> 00:42:26,520
to be mad. 
I want vengeance, then just 

826
00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:28,640
mine, say the Lord. 
You know, we use that scripture 

827
00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:32,360
all the time, but the Lord's 
like, no, I'm not going to do 

828
00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:33,440
that. 
We're going to forgive. 

829
00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,960
And so it was like a constant 
forgiving, and he was still in 

830
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:39,200
that place of pettiness and I 
would have to forgive him. 

831
00:42:39,600 --> 00:42:43,600
It was really hard. 
Just back repetitive repetitive.

832
00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:46,960
70 * 7 It was constantly he 
would do something and I would, 

833
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:50,000
I would literally be in my cart 
and say you see, Lord, you see 

834
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:53,400
your guy, you see what he's 
doing, doing that to me. 

835
00:42:53,680 --> 00:42:55,840
You see your guy, you want me to
forgive this guy. 

836
00:42:55,840 --> 00:42:57,520
He's like, yes, I want you to 
forget. 

837
00:42:57,720 --> 00:43:01,240
Forgiveness is not for that 
person is really for you. 

838
00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:06,400
And so it really overtime and 
I'm talking about years. 

839
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:08,160
I'm not going to sit here and 
say, oh, I forgave him right 

840
00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:11,080
away. 
Like it was years of constant 

841
00:43:11,720 --> 00:43:13,800
something would happen, I would 
have to forgive, something would

842
00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:17,040
happen, I would have to forgive.
And, and the forgiveness is what

843
00:43:17,040 --> 00:43:19,720
actually allowed us to have any 
kind of relationship. 

844
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:23,920
Because I think had we not, had 
I not forgiven or had I not been

845
00:43:23,920 --> 00:43:28,040
obedient to God telling me to 
forgive, I would be too bitter 

846
00:43:28,040 --> 00:43:31,080
or too angry to allow us to have
any kind of relationship. 

847
00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:33,880
Because end of the day, the kids
are the ones who benefit from 

848
00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:35,960
it. 
My children have a great 

849
00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:38,560
relationship with their dad. 
They have the freedom to go back

850
00:43:38,560 --> 00:43:43,240
and forth between the homes and 
they have the freedom to just, 

851
00:43:43,240 --> 00:43:46,000
they don't have to pick sides at
this point. 

852
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:48,800
And that's a blessing. 
But the Lord had to do that in 

853
00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:50,600
my heart. 
I'll take no credit for it. 

854
00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:54,800
It was the Lord saying be and it
was just me being obedient to 

855
00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:56,800
what he told me to do, which is 
forgive. 

856
00:43:57,280 --> 00:43:59,880
And so that's why we're able to 
have that kind of relationship 

857
00:43:59,880 --> 00:44:01,840
with my car breaks down. 
You can drive me or. 

858
00:44:03,160 --> 00:44:05,920
But I will say like the whole 
forgiveness thing because it's 

859
00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:09,680
like how like for me personally,
I know other people probably 

860
00:44:09,680 --> 00:44:11,640
struggle with this too. 
We're like, we did forgive them,

861
00:44:11,640 --> 00:44:14,720
but we still hold bitterness. 
And it's like, well, you need to

862
00:44:14,720 --> 00:44:17,200
work through that because that's
not true forgiveness. 

863
00:44:17,200 --> 00:44:20,760
If we're still holding that like
bitterness, like you don't want 

864
00:44:20,760 --> 00:44:23,360
to be around them, you know, 
like, but I'm sure for you, like

865
00:44:23,360 --> 00:44:25,400
you were probably like that at 
the beginning or we just had to 

866
00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:27,240
work through it. 
Talk about it. 

867
00:44:27,240 --> 00:44:30,640
Communication. 
Communication like really with 

868
00:44:30,840 --> 00:44:33,560
with God. 
Like tell him to show you how to

869
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:34,720
move. 
Past it, absolutely. 

870
00:44:34,720 --> 00:44:37,880
And just be honest. 
Like be honest. 

871
00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:40,920
I think that's this, you know, I
don't know, You know, in the 

872
00:44:40,920 --> 00:44:44,720
world we live in, it's common 
for us to kind of just be this 

873
00:44:44,720 --> 00:44:48,000
person or pretend to be a person
that you're not or kind of have 

874
00:44:48,000 --> 00:44:49,720
the mask of who you are in front
of people. 

875
00:44:49,720 --> 00:44:51,400
But then there's a different 
version of you. 

876
00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:54,240
God knows you. 
He knows that you don't want to 

877
00:44:54,240 --> 00:44:56,280
forgive, or he knows that you 
know you. 

878
00:44:56,280 --> 00:44:58,320
You're petty. 
He knows all the things about 

879
00:44:58,320 --> 00:45:00,440
you. 
So if that's the case, and you 

880
00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:04,720
serve a God who knows you and 
loves you, that's the safest 

881
00:45:04,720 --> 00:45:06,600
place to be. 
Because really, all of us really

882
00:45:06,600 --> 00:45:11,520
want to be seen and known, and 
we're seen and known by God, 

883
00:45:11,880 --> 00:45:14,360
literally. 
And so he sees you and knows. 

884
00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:16,280
Tell them truth. 
I don't want to forgive Him. 

885
00:45:16,760 --> 00:45:17,960
He already knows, just be 
honest. 

886
00:45:17,960 --> 00:45:20,640
Just be honest, he added. 
Like I, I don't want, I don't 

887
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:22,960
want to forgive. 
I don't want to let it go. 

888
00:45:23,280 --> 00:45:27,400
And it was just a process of him
showing me because I was honest,

889
00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:29,680
like I don't want to do this. 
So you're going to have to do it

890
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:31,360
in me. 
You're going to have to show me 

891
00:45:31,720 --> 00:45:36,240
that it happened over time. 
And so we it's we're six years 

892
00:45:36,240 --> 00:45:38,440
out and we're just, it's amazing
to me. 

893
00:45:38,440 --> 00:45:41,800
We'll go to games together or 
we'll go to like our son's game 

894
00:45:42,560 --> 00:45:45,720
and we're sitting next to each 
other and it's just him, his 

895
00:45:45,720 --> 00:45:47,880
girlfriend, myself. 
Love that. 

896
00:45:47,880 --> 00:45:50,560
You know, sitting in a game is 
like, this is so weird. 

897
00:45:50,560 --> 00:45:52,960
We would go to games. 
We were like, y'all are strange.

898
00:45:53,280 --> 00:45:54,960
And I'm like, praise the Lord. 
Yeah. 

899
00:45:55,240 --> 00:45:58,040
Yeah, we are. 
We're proud of it, yeah. 

900
00:45:58,160 --> 00:45:59,840
Because the Lord did it. 
It's not. 

901
00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:02,040
We can't take because it doesn't
make sense. 

902
00:46:02,040 --> 00:46:06,160
What a testament of, yeah, God's
faithfulness, goodness, like to 

903
00:46:06,160 --> 00:46:08,960
turn that into where y'all can 
all be friends, where y'all can 

904
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:10,840
all sit there. 
Because there's so many couples 

905
00:46:10,840 --> 00:46:13,240
that go through a divorce and 
they're like, they're sitting 

906
00:46:13,240 --> 00:46:16,360
over here, They're sitting over 
there, never even talk or like 

907
00:46:16,360 --> 00:46:17,720
birthday parties and stuff like 
that. 

908
00:46:17,720 --> 00:46:19,960
So for you it's like this is 
good. 

909
00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:22,880
Yeah, praise the Lord so that I 
can say that's a God thing and 

910
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:24,680
I'm just grateful for that, you 
know? 

911
00:46:25,240 --> 00:46:28,720
Well, kind of going into now, 
because you just said like he's 

912
00:46:28,720 --> 00:46:31,800
seeing someone, you're still 
single and stuff like that. 

913
00:46:31,800 --> 00:46:36,040
So what is that life of 
singleness look like for you? 

914
00:46:36,640 --> 00:46:38,640
It's hard. 
I'm not even going to lie to 

915
00:46:38,640 --> 00:46:40,160
you. 
You know, I think it's harder 

916
00:46:40,160 --> 00:46:42,480
for people who've been in a 
relationship. 

917
00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:44,080
I'm not say that. 
Let me take that back. 

918
00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:47,400
I don't want to say that because
I think people who've always 

919
00:46:47,400 --> 00:46:50,680
been single, I think society 
puts this pressure on to be 

920
00:46:50,680 --> 00:46:52,960
married. 
And if I'm honest, the church 

921
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:56,680
does it too. 
Like we have this, this societal

922
00:46:56,680 --> 00:47:01,400
pressure to be married and then 
we also have a cultural pressure

923
00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:05,120
from church, you know, And yes, 
marriage is a beautiful thing. 

924
00:47:05,120 --> 00:47:08,320
It represents our relationship 
with Christ, Christ and his 

925
00:47:08,320 --> 00:47:10,440
church. 
So it is a beautiful testament, 

926
00:47:10,440 --> 00:47:12,400
but it's work. 
It's work. 

927
00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:15,760
And from somebody who's failed 
at it, it is a lot of work. 

928
00:47:15,880 --> 00:47:18,200
And a lot of times I say to 
myself, there's a, there are 

929
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:21,680
parts of marriage that I miss. 
I miss the affection, I miss 

930
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:24,320
intimacy. 
I miss being able to talk to 

931
00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:27,280
somebody about my day. 
I miss, you know, saying, you 

932
00:47:27,280 --> 00:47:28,560
know, hey, this is what's going 
on. 

933
00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:31,080
Oh, this is what's going on and 
being able to share life 

934
00:47:31,320 --> 00:47:34,960
together so that those are the 
parts I miss. 

935
00:47:36,880 --> 00:47:40,960
But if my motive to be in 
relationship is for flesh 

936
00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:45,000
things, still, it's the wrong 
focus. 

937
00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:48,080
You know, so if you're, if 
you're single and you're wanting

938
00:47:48,080 --> 00:47:52,800
to not be single, but your, your
reasons is because you're lonely

939
00:47:52,800 --> 00:47:55,840
or because people keep telling 
you that, you know, it's, you 

940
00:47:55,840 --> 00:47:59,160
need to be married or that just 
going into marriage with the 

941
00:47:59,160 --> 00:48:02,680
wrong perspective. 
And so I know for me, and I've 

942
00:48:02,680 --> 00:48:07,840
dated outside of divorce and it 
was never about God again. 

943
00:48:07,840 --> 00:48:13,120
And same you keep repeating, I 
repeated the mistake of, of not 

944
00:48:13,120 --> 00:48:16,280
putting God first in something 
and I that relationship, I know 

945
00:48:16,280 --> 00:48:19,440
for sure God told me no. 
And I was just like, I'm going 

946
00:48:19,440 --> 00:48:22,520
to find out for myself. 
Let me do this the hard way. 

947
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:26,360
Because I was like, I hear you, 
Lord, I'm going to find out for 

948
00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:27,320
myself. 
And I did. 

949
00:48:27,360 --> 00:48:32,120
And and so, you know, I would 
say the second, the second time 

950
00:48:32,120 --> 00:48:35,040
I made that mistake, I was 
probably easier to forgive and 

951
00:48:35,040 --> 00:48:38,880
to forgive myself because I knew
the Lord was like, this ain't 

952
00:48:38,880 --> 00:48:42,600
it? 
So I think right now in this 

953
00:48:42,600 --> 00:48:46,800
single season, it's about 
healing, you know, take 

954
00:48:46,800 --> 00:48:50,320
advantage of being single. 
Like there's so many benefits to

955
00:48:50,320 --> 00:48:53,240
being single. 
One, you have freedom of choice.

956
00:48:53,240 --> 00:48:55,800
Like it's you and God, it's 
literally God. 

957
00:48:55,800 --> 00:48:58,600
What do you want me to do today?
Today I can come here. 

958
00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:00,560
I don't have to talk to somebody
before I leave. 

959
00:49:00,880 --> 00:49:02,760
Like, OK, Lord, we're going, 
yes, we're going. 

960
00:49:02,960 --> 00:49:05,400
It's me and the Holy Spirit 
everywhere we go. 

961
00:49:05,640 --> 00:49:09,040
I'm not by myself, you know, but
it's me and the Holy Spirit 

962
00:49:09,040 --> 00:49:12,720
going to different places. 
I have a freedom to say I'm 

963
00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:14,120
going to go do a conference over
here. 

964
00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:17,240
I have the freedom to say now I 
have children, but they have 

965
00:49:17,240 --> 00:49:19,760
their dad too. 
So they can, if I have to go do 

966
00:49:19,760 --> 00:49:21,880
something, I'll usually call 
their dad and say, like if when 

967
00:49:21,880 --> 00:49:26,080
I go to the conferences, like 
the J Bar conference, I'll 

968
00:49:26,080 --> 00:49:29,640
usually just say, hey, thou can 
you, you know, watch the kids 

969
00:49:29,640 --> 00:49:31,000
while I go? 
He was like, yeah, I got them. 

970
00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:33,520
You go do whatever it is that 
you need to do. 

971
00:49:33,760 --> 00:49:37,680
So to have the freedom to go do 
ministry and to be effective for

972
00:49:37,680 --> 00:49:41,000
the Kingdom in places where 
maybe other married people don't

973
00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:44,120
have that freedom, you really 
serve the church in a very 

974
00:49:44,120 --> 00:49:46,360
different way. 
You serve God in a different 

975
00:49:46,360 --> 00:49:48,040
way. 
So I think there are advantages 

976
00:49:48,040 --> 00:49:53,160
to that, advantages to have that
freedom financially, to be able 

977
00:49:53,160 --> 00:49:55,920
to sow into different things. 
And then it also creates again, 

978
00:49:56,160 --> 00:49:59,600
this dependency on the Lord 
because now it really is you and

979
00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:02,440
him. 
You're that's, I know it sounds 

980
00:50:02,440 --> 00:50:05,040
corny, you know that's your 
husband, but it really is. 

981
00:50:05,040 --> 00:50:08,360
I'm so glad you said this. 
So Miss Cherie at the Potter's 

982
00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:11,520
house, when we go on our reach 
retreat, she does a ceremony and

983
00:50:11,520 --> 00:50:14,560
you get married to Jesus. 
And I told to my friends that 

984
00:50:14,560 --> 00:50:17,520
and they're like, that is the 
strangest thing I've ever heard.

985
00:50:17,720 --> 00:50:20,520
And I'm like, but technically we
are his bride because we're the 

986
00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:23,800
church. 
That's right, we're already. 

987
00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:26,080
His bride. 
But then it really becomes very 

988
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:30,160
personal because when you are 
single, you're really that's 

989
00:50:30,160 --> 00:50:32,880
your person. 
If I need, if I got to do 

990
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:35,720
something, if something's 
happening, if I have to make a 

991
00:50:35,720 --> 00:50:38,720
decision, the 1st place I go, 
Lord, what do I do? 

992
00:50:39,240 --> 00:50:41,160
You know what? 
That just opened up a whole new 

993
00:50:41,160 --> 00:50:44,920
thing for me in my mind because 
like, when something happens, 

994
00:50:44,920 --> 00:50:46,560
most of the time I run to my 
husband, right? 

995
00:50:46,560 --> 00:50:50,440
But for you, you're saying like 
you're already in line, so you 

996
00:50:50,440 --> 00:50:51,040
run to him. 
Yeah. 

997
00:50:51,080 --> 00:50:54,240
And that's how we should be 
doing is running to God first 

998
00:50:54,240 --> 00:50:56,120
before we even run to our spouse
and stuff like that. 

999
00:50:56,120 --> 00:50:58,040
Like talk to him first and then 
go again. 

1000
00:50:58,320 --> 00:51:00,240
Not saying keep anything, you 
know, of course. 

1001
00:51:00,800 --> 00:51:01,560
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 
You still. 

1002
00:51:01,560 --> 00:51:04,520
Talk to him, but he's my, that's
my go to person. 

1003
00:51:04,800 --> 00:51:06,680
If I'm struggling, that's my go 
to person. 

1004
00:51:06,800 --> 00:51:09,120
And we need community. 
I mean, I'm not saying to be 

1005
00:51:09,120 --> 00:51:11,520
single and then be by yourself 
in some holes somewhere and be a

1006
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:14,640
hermit, but I'm saying you have 
to have community. 

1007
00:51:14,640 --> 00:51:19,440
And what I've realized is that 
the more I lean into God and 

1008
00:51:19,440 --> 00:51:22,480
more I lean into that 
relationship, he brings 

1009
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:24,480
community. 
Because the biggest thing I've 

1010
00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:27,560
asked for is God. 
I, if I, if, whether or not you 

1011
00:51:27,560 --> 00:51:30,880
decide for me to get married 
again, I need not only my 

1012
00:51:30,880 --> 00:51:32,960
sisters in Christ, I need my 
brothers in Christ. 

1013
00:51:33,240 --> 00:51:39,440
And God has put some really good
godly men around me that love me

1014
00:51:39,440 --> 00:51:43,040
like a sister that support me. 
If I see one of my brothers, I 

1015
00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:45,120
was at the gym the other day, 
he'll come, he'll come and hug 

1016
00:51:45,120 --> 00:51:48,200
me and say, hey, beautiful and 
that, you know, that's those 

1017
00:51:48,200 --> 00:51:50,520
little gems. 
Or I have another brother in 

1018
00:51:50,520 --> 00:51:52,360
Christ who just called me the 
other day out of the blue. 

1019
00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:55,240
He said I don't need anything. 
I just wanted to check on you. 

1020
00:51:55,240 --> 00:51:56,360
How are you doing? 
Wow. 

1021
00:51:56,440 --> 00:51:58,120
And I love you and I pray for 
you. 

1022
00:51:58,120 --> 00:52:00,600
I think about you all the time. 
I pray for you all the time. 

1023
00:52:00,800 --> 00:52:02,800
And those babies. 
If you need anything, you you 

1024
00:52:02,800 --> 00:52:05,960
reach out to me. 
I mean, I have all these and 

1025
00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:07,400
these are married brothers in 
Christ. 

1026
00:52:07,400 --> 00:52:09,600
I think a lot of Christian 
singles. 

1027
00:52:09,600 --> 00:52:13,440
I know I've been guilty of it. 
You have a a male Christian 

1028
00:52:13,440 --> 00:52:15,840
friend and you're a Christian 
woman and everybody goes 

1029
00:52:15,840 --> 00:52:18,200
straight to relationship. 
All this must be my person. 

1030
00:52:18,480 --> 00:52:21,560
It's not every man is not your 
husband. 

1031
00:52:21,560 --> 00:52:22,960
They're calm down. 
Chill out. 

1032
00:52:22,960 --> 00:52:24,960
You know what I mean? 
Yeah, chill out. 

1033
00:52:25,040 --> 00:52:27,000
I don't know. 
These are these are your 

1034
00:52:27,000 --> 00:52:29,960
brothers and I think a lot of 
times I would say my last 

1035
00:52:29,960 --> 00:52:33,320
relationship, if I had just left
that as a as my brother in 

1036
00:52:33,320 --> 00:52:35,040
Christ, I think it would have 
been a much healthier 

1037
00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:37,320
relationship. 
There's some people just meant 

1038
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:40,680
to be your brothers and or 
sisters in Christ and not meant 

1039
00:52:40,680 --> 00:52:43,880
to be your person. 
And God is the one who 

1040
00:52:43,880 --> 00:52:47,840
determines that. 
And so that desperation to be in

1041
00:52:47,840 --> 00:52:50,480
relationship, a lot of that 
pressure, some of it is you 

1042
00:52:50,480 --> 00:52:52,400
don't want to be alone because 
that means you have to be alone 

1043
00:52:52,400 --> 00:52:54,840
with God. 
Sometimes there's some unhealed 

1044
00:52:54,840 --> 00:52:57,080
stuff and you don't want to be 
alone because you don't want to 

1045
00:52:57,080 --> 00:52:59,080
have to deal with it. 
That's just the truth. 

1046
00:52:59,200 --> 00:53:02,000
I would say that was true for 
me, you know, like this, you 

1047
00:53:02,000 --> 00:53:04,040
know, I didn't want to have to 
be alone, so didn't have to be 

1048
00:53:04,040 --> 00:53:06,400
alone with me. 
I have to be alone with me and 

1049
00:53:06,400 --> 00:53:07,960
God. 
That means we have to talk about

1050
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:10,360
some stuff that's uncomfortable 
that I don't want to talk about.

1051
00:53:11,280 --> 00:53:14,200
And so a lot of us avoid it. 
We get make ourselves busy. 

1052
00:53:14,360 --> 00:53:17,720
That's another thing too, that I
I would say I did is I made 

1053
00:53:17,720 --> 00:53:21,520
myself busy. 
OK, busy myself with, you know, 

1054
00:53:21,680 --> 00:53:25,960
work with activities and just 
fill your life with things so 

1055
00:53:25,960 --> 00:53:27,560
that you don't have to think 
about the fact that you're 

1056
00:53:27,560 --> 00:53:30,480
lonely versus just take that 
loneliness to God, like I'm 

1057
00:53:30,480 --> 00:53:33,320
lonely, Lord. 
And, and as soon as I would pray

1058
00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:36,000
it or say I'm having a hard 
time, you just feel God's 

1059
00:53:36,000 --> 00:53:38,600
presence and or somebody would 
show up. 

1060
00:53:38,880 --> 00:53:41,000
Hey, let's go do something or 
I'm thinking about you and 

1061
00:53:41,000 --> 00:53:42,040
praying for you. 
I love you. 

1062
00:53:42,520 --> 00:53:44,400
And that's just God wink. 
Yeah. 

1063
00:53:44,400 --> 00:53:46,160
And that's exactly what that is,
a God wink. 

1064
00:53:46,160 --> 00:53:48,080
Like I see you. 
I know you're having a hard time

1065
00:53:48,080 --> 00:53:50,800
and it's OK, I'm here. 
One of the questions that I 

1066
00:53:50,800 --> 00:53:53,960
would definitely have with that 
is because I have a few friends 

1067
00:53:53,960 --> 00:53:57,560
that are like single, you know, 
and they're getting older stuff 

1068
00:53:57,560 --> 00:54:00,560
and it's like they get so tired 
of people saying like, Oh, and 

1069
00:54:00,560 --> 00:54:02,960
the time is right, you know, 
like God will send somebody 

1070
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:06,880
like, what is something you say 
to somebody in these seasons of 

1071
00:54:06,880 --> 00:54:09,000
singleness? 
Like, what would you like? 

1072
00:54:09,000 --> 00:54:11,400
What do you think? 
What, what, what somebody said 

1073
00:54:11,400 --> 00:54:12,960
to you? 
And you're like, that was from a

1074
00:54:12,960 --> 00:54:15,760
good place, you know, like, 
because sometimes I feel like 

1075
00:54:15,760 --> 00:54:17,840
deaths even I don't know what to
say. 

1076
00:54:17,960 --> 00:54:20,720
A lot of people don't. 
So any time I get into like this

1077
00:54:20,720 --> 00:54:23,360
kind of environment where I can 
ask, I'm like, what are we 

1078
00:54:23,360 --> 00:54:25,800
supposed to say to people in 
these environments? 

1079
00:54:26,040 --> 00:54:29,400
Well, I think positions, I think
sometimes we don't have to say 

1080
00:54:29,400 --> 00:54:31,440
anything. 
OK, I, I would, that would be my

1081
00:54:31,480 --> 00:54:34,280
first thing. 
I think we don't have the art of

1082
00:54:34,280 --> 00:54:38,040
just being with people. 
Like sometimes just let them 

1083
00:54:38,040 --> 00:54:41,560
talk about what they're feeling.
So if you have a person who's 

1084
00:54:41,560 --> 00:54:45,520
single, who really is struggling
with the loneliness of it, you 

1085
00:54:45,520 --> 00:54:48,800
don't have to have a response. 
I think it's it's AI don't know 

1086
00:54:48,800 --> 00:54:50,000
if I call it Christian 
etiquette. 

1087
00:54:50,000 --> 00:54:53,520
It's like Christian etiquette to
like have to have a rebuttal for

1088
00:54:53,640 --> 00:54:56,520
difficulty sometimes or 
sometimes have to have a 

1089
00:54:56,520 --> 00:54:59,400
scripture. 
Yeah, sometimes just being there

1090
00:54:59,400 --> 00:55:03,480
is enough you. 
Are I'm like, hang on, wait, 

1091
00:55:03,480 --> 00:55:07,760
that is good because I do. 
I always feel like I got to say 

1092
00:55:07,760 --> 00:55:11,240
something and I'm like, I don't 
know what to say. 

1093
00:55:11,240 --> 00:55:12,920
Yeah. 
And then when you feel prompted 

1094
00:55:12,920 --> 00:55:16,640
to say something, say something.
So sometimes it's just, I hear 

1095
00:55:16,640 --> 00:55:20,560
you, I understand, or I may not 
understand, but I'm here. 

1096
00:55:21,200 --> 00:55:22,960
That's it. 
I love you, sis. 

1097
00:55:23,040 --> 00:55:26,880
I'm praying for you. 
You don't have to have an answer

1098
00:55:26,880 --> 00:55:30,240
for everything. 
I think that's that's I think 

1099
00:55:30,240 --> 00:55:32,320
that's a US thing. 
I know I'm guilty of it. 

1100
00:55:32,320 --> 00:55:35,840
I always want to have an answer.
You know, when you're I called 

1101
00:55:35,840 --> 00:55:37,360
doctors, they're like herding 
cats. 

1102
00:55:37,360 --> 00:55:40,200
We all are really smart and we 
have a hard time following other

1103
00:55:40,200 --> 00:55:43,520
people. 
But I think it's, it's, it's a 

1104
00:55:43,520 --> 00:55:47,760
humble thing to recognize that 
you don't have the answer and to

1105
00:55:47,760 --> 00:55:50,000
tell patients that like, I don't
know the answer, but I'm going 

1106
00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:51,720
to pray about it. 
I'm going to ask God to show me.

1107
00:55:53,200 --> 00:55:54,680
Sometimes we just don't have the
answer. 

1108
00:55:54,680 --> 00:55:57,320
So that would be my first thing 
is you don't have to have the 

1109
00:55:57,320 --> 00:55:58,480
answer. 
Just be there. 

1110
00:55:58,840 --> 00:56:00,920
If you know they're struggling, 
just be present. 

1111
00:56:01,280 --> 00:56:03,960
And then you know, if the Lord 
prompts you to say something, 

1112
00:56:03,960 --> 00:56:06,560
then say something. 
My advice to people who are 

1113
00:56:06,560 --> 00:56:10,520
single, I think one of the 
things that I listened to a 

1114
00:56:10,520 --> 00:56:14,880
podcast the other day and it's 
actually the Perry's. 

1115
00:56:15,120 --> 00:56:19,200
Girl, I'm reading her devotions.
I love this is Jackie O Perry 

1116
00:56:19,520 --> 00:56:21,920
and some Preston Perry. 
But they were interviewing some 

1117
00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:24,480
people who were single and there
was something that one of the 

1118
00:56:24,480 --> 00:56:28,080
pastors, he's a pastor who's 
single, which is uncommon. 

1119
00:56:28,120 --> 00:56:34,360
But he was saying that a lot of 
times if we're not careful, we 

1120
00:56:34,360 --> 00:56:41,680
will, we will treat God like, 
like a genie, like he's if we do

1121
00:56:41,680 --> 00:56:43,760
all these things, we do all 
these acts. 

1122
00:56:43,760 --> 00:56:47,920
If we serve God, if we, if we do
all these things for the Lord, 

1123
00:56:47,920 --> 00:56:50,240
then he'll bring our spouse. 
Maybe not. 

1124
00:56:50,840 --> 00:56:54,120
What does it look like to serve 
God, even if he chooses not to 

1125
00:56:54,120 --> 00:56:57,360
bring you one? 
What does it look like to serve 

1126
00:56:57,360 --> 00:57:00,760
God and the reward be him? 
Yeah. 

1127
00:57:00,960 --> 00:57:03,480
And not something that he's 
going to give you. 

1128
00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:07,800
And that he said that. 
I said, I don't like that. 

1129
00:57:08,680 --> 00:57:11,720
But yeah, that hit real hard. 
But it's true. 

1130
00:57:12,160 --> 00:57:16,360
And I've been guilty of it. 
Like, OK, if I do all these 

1131
00:57:16,360 --> 00:57:20,440
things, if I stay pure, if I 
don't, you know, you know, if 

1132
00:57:20,440 --> 00:57:24,200
I'm, if I'm not fornicating, if 
I'm not, you know, out here like

1133
00:57:24,200 --> 00:57:26,680
that, doing all these different 
things and God will bring my 

1134
00:57:26,680 --> 00:57:29,920
person. 
So now we're making our 

1135
00:57:29,920 --> 00:57:33,520
relationship with the Lord 
transactional, where we're 

1136
00:57:33,520 --> 00:57:38,440
saying, God, if you, if you do 
this, if I do all these things 

1137
00:57:38,440 --> 00:57:40,040
and you're going to give me this
thing. 

1138
00:57:40,040 --> 00:57:42,040
And we have to be really careful
with that. 

1139
00:57:42,040 --> 00:57:46,960
Yeah, we're serving God because 
I mean, we owe him everything. 

1140
00:57:47,640 --> 00:57:49,640
I. 
Think that goes across the board

1141
00:57:49,880 --> 00:57:52,640
that's not just in those 
relationships and the husband 

1142
00:57:52,640 --> 00:57:56,360
like you can't and that is one 
of the things about when we talk

1143
00:57:56,360 --> 00:57:58,920
about the works like it doesn't 
matter about your work. 

1144
00:57:58,920 --> 00:58:01,320
That's right. 
It's the relationship with him 

1145
00:58:01,320 --> 00:58:05,040
and calling on his name. 
Now once we call on his name, 

1146
00:58:05,320 --> 00:58:09,160
works will start to flow like 
we're not just going to stay 

1147
00:58:09,160 --> 00:58:12,800
still, stay quiet and everything
else like your works but not 

1148
00:58:12,800 --> 00:58:15,320
transactional. 
Yeah, I mean, it can't, it can't

1149
00:58:15,320 --> 00:58:17,240
be that. 
And so you have to just. 

1150
00:58:17,880 --> 00:58:20,440
Yeah. 
So I, I, I wish I had all the 

1151
00:58:20,440 --> 00:58:22,680
answers to it. 
I still struggle with it. 

1152
00:58:22,680 --> 00:58:26,000
There are times I get lonely. 
There are times I, I get sad. 

1153
00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:30,160
But I try, I try one, I try to 
bring it to my community. 

1154
00:58:30,160 --> 00:58:31,600
Yeah. 
And then I, you know, because I 

1155
00:58:31,600 --> 00:58:33,520
have friends. 
We talk about it all the time 

1156
00:58:33,520 --> 00:58:35,320
and we joke about it. 
We laugh about it. 

1157
00:58:35,640 --> 00:58:38,760
But I do tell my the people I 
love, like I I struggle 

1158
00:58:38,760 --> 00:58:41,200
sometimes with feeling lonely. 
I think that's OK. 

1159
00:58:41,200 --> 00:58:42,920
Yeah. 
I think we we have have a hard 

1160
00:58:42,920 --> 00:58:47,400
time with tension like with two 
things can be true at the same 

1161
00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:50,920
time. 
I can feel lonely and miss, you 

1162
00:58:50,920 --> 00:58:55,080
know, relationship and still 
also recognize the benefits of 

1163
00:58:55,080 --> 00:58:57,840
being single and having the 
freedom to choose, choose where 

1164
00:58:57,840 --> 00:59:00,080
I send my money. 
If I want to give my money to 

1165
00:59:00,080 --> 00:59:01,680
charity or I want to do 
whatever. 

1166
00:59:01,680 --> 00:59:04,720
If I have the freedom to make 
certain choices that if I were 

1167
00:59:04,720 --> 00:59:07,200
married, I wouldn't have that 
same freedom because I have to 

1168
00:59:07,200 --> 00:59:11,200
think about my husband before 
just thinking about, you know, I

1169
00:59:11,200 --> 00:59:12,880
have to think about God and my 
husband. 

1170
00:59:13,120 --> 00:59:15,520
And sometimes there will be 
conflict because I'm going to 

1171
00:59:15,520 --> 00:59:17,760
know that God is leading me to 
do something. 

1172
00:59:18,120 --> 00:59:21,760
And I may have to wait because I
have to wait for my husband to 

1173
00:59:21,760 --> 00:59:24,000
be on board. 
And that's hard. 

1174
00:59:24,000 --> 00:59:25,960
That is, that's hard because I 
just want to jump. 

1175
00:59:26,440 --> 00:59:29,400
But I, I can't do that because 
that's not, that's not the, what

1176
00:59:29,400 --> 00:59:31,000
the word says. 
We're supposed to submit. 

1177
00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:34,160
And so we got to trust that God 
will speak to him and then we 

1178
00:59:34,160 --> 00:59:35,960
will be able to move together 
forward. 

1179
00:59:36,800 --> 00:59:39,920
Trying to learn that whole thing
you got out that my husband is 

1180
00:59:39,920 --> 00:59:43,160
on this side of Christ, like 
just doing things on my own for 

1181
00:59:43,160 --> 00:59:46,600
so long. 
And now he's, you know, more in 

1182
00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:50,160
the picture where one flesh and 
we've been one flesh 

1183
00:59:50,160 --> 00:59:52,800
technically. 
But like truly in this season 

1184
00:59:52,800 --> 00:59:54,320
now that he knows Christ is 1 
flesh. 

1185
00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:58,320
And it's like, oh man, like I'm 
so used to just jumping and 

1186
00:59:58,320 --> 01:00:00,080
doing whatever I want when I 
want. 

1187
01:00:00,080 --> 01:00:02,080
And now I'm like, OK, Greg, 
what? 

1188
01:00:02,960 --> 01:00:05,400
What are you what we do is 
right? 

1189
01:00:06,400 --> 01:00:09,520
And so so you know, there's like
I said, there's good and bad to 

1190
01:00:09,520 --> 01:00:12,680
everything. 
And so I think the really end of

1191
01:00:12,680 --> 01:00:14,320
the day, first go to God with 
it. 

1192
01:00:14,560 --> 01:00:17,200
Go to your community. 
It's hard to do life by 

1193
01:00:17,200 --> 01:00:21,440
yourself, be with your community
and be, you know, like I 

1194
01:00:21,440 --> 01:00:24,840
understand the doing is a way to
keep your mind from being idle. 

1195
01:00:24,840 --> 01:00:27,080
And I do it all the time. 
So I'm guilty of that. 

1196
01:00:27,080 --> 01:00:28,560
I'm like, OK, I got to do this 
and do that. 

1197
01:00:28,560 --> 01:00:31,200
It just helps prevent me from 
just sitting in it. 

1198
01:00:31,880 --> 01:00:34,000
But there are times you're going
to have to sit in it and be OK 

1199
01:00:34,000 --> 01:00:37,320
with your own company and be OK 
with the Lords company. 

1200
01:00:37,320 --> 01:00:41,040
And I think the, the, the, the 
more we stop running away from 

1201
01:00:41,040 --> 01:00:43,120
that and we just let the Lord 
doing it. 

1202
01:00:43,120 --> 01:00:45,320
Sometimes it's some of the 
sweetest times I can think of 

1203
01:00:45,320 --> 01:00:47,560
where it's just been me. 
My kids are at their dad's 

1204
01:00:47,560 --> 01:00:49,400
house. 
I'm in the house by myself. 

1205
01:00:49,400 --> 01:00:52,720
The house is already clean and 
I'm just there. 

1206
01:00:52,840 --> 01:00:56,920
And so now it just gets to be in
my Bible or just to be in prayer

1207
01:00:56,920 --> 01:00:58,920
or just be. 
Yeah. 

1208
01:00:59,240 --> 01:01:02,280
And it really I can think of 
times as been sweet or driving 

1209
01:01:02,280 --> 01:01:06,320
the car and just me and and the 
Lord, and he's talking to me and

1210
01:01:06,320 --> 01:01:09,320
I'm praying to him, and I can 
feel his presence show up in the

1211
01:01:09,320 --> 01:01:11,920
car. 
You know, I think again, it 

1212
01:01:11,920 --> 01:01:13,920
still just boils down to 
relationship anyway. 

1213
01:01:13,920 --> 01:01:19,280
And you can't relate to other 
people people well until you 

1214
01:01:19,280 --> 01:01:23,160
relate with the Lord well. 
And then I think it's an 

1215
01:01:23,160 --> 01:01:25,080
opportunity to take care of 
yourself. 

1216
01:01:25,080 --> 01:01:27,960
There's some things that I know 
I need to heal. 

1217
01:01:28,640 --> 01:01:31,520
You know, there's some fitness 
goals I want to get to. 

1218
01:01:31,520 --> 01:01:38,080
And I love to eat. 
Girl gluttony is great. 

1219
01:01:39,280 --> 01:01:43,480
I just watched a video the other
day and I've never been a sweet 

1220
01:01:43,480 --> 01:01:46,240
eater, never in my life. 
I've never been a sweet eater. 

1221
01:01:46,480 --> 01:01:51,000
And this girl was like, you 
didn't crave sugar because you 

1222
01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:54,360
were drinking like the alcohol 
was the sugar that you were in 

1223
01:01:54,360 --> 01:01:56,600
taking. 
I'm a sweet eater now. 

1224
01:01:56,600 --> 01:01:58,880
Like I love sweets. 
I am. 

1225
01:01:58,880 --> 01:02:01,560
I just want sugar. 
And I'm like, Oh my gosh. 

1226
01:02:01,560 --> 01:02:05,560
It's because all that time I was
drinking like, sugary, yeah, 

1227
01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:08,000
liquor drinks, you know? 
And I'm like, that's where I was

1228
01:02:08,000 --> 01:02:10,520
getting my sugar from. 
When she said that, I'm like. 

1229
01:02:12,080 --> 01:02:15,160
Yes, yes and, and I will not 
even lie to you. 

1230
01:02:15,160 --> 01:02:18,320
A lot of times food is self 
medication like, oh, I've had a 

1231
01:02:18,320 --> 01:02:19,760
bad day. 
Let me put some in my mouth 

1232
01:02:19,840 --> 01:02:22,080
yeah, I want to eat this or eat 
that. 

1233
01:02:22,640 --> 01:02:25,640
And so I I know what I'm doing, 
but these are the things that I 

1234
01:02:25,640 --> 01:02:28,600
need to work through if you. 
Another pruning. 

1235
01:02:28,640 --> 01:02:31,760
Look, and to me, if you can 
focus on all the, the things 

1236
01:02:31,760 --> 01:02:35,680
that God has for you to do, 
whether it be external or 

1237
01:02:35,680 --> 01:02:40,320
internal, it, it takes up a lot 
of time, like asking the Lord to

1238
01:02:40,320 --> 01:02:43,320
help me with my gluttony because
I, I, girl, I, I say, I love to 

1239
01:02:43,320 --> 01:02:46,520
eat. 
I love to eat, help me with me 

1240
01:02:46,520 --> 01:02:50,480
self medicating with food, help 
me get more consistent, going to

1241
01:02:50,480 --> 01:02:54,800
the gym, you know, help me to 
raise my kids, all these things.

1242
01:02:54,800 --> 01:02:56,960
There's so many things to occupy
my time. 

1243
01:02:57,400 --> 01:03:00,240
And I think if we just stay God 
focused, if God brings somebody 

1244
01:03:00,240 --> 01:03:02,400
in your life, they're going to 
be God focused and we'll both be

1245
01:03:02,440 --> 01:03:03,240
God focused. 
Perfect. 

1246
01:03:03,480 --> 01:03:06,000
But if it doesn't happen that 
way, I already have things to 

1247
01:03:06,000 --> 01:03:08,640
do. 
And I think stay busy with the 

1248
01:03:08,640 --> 01:03:10,600
Lord, do the things that Lord 
has called you to do. 

1249
01:03:10,600 --> 01:03:14,760
And doesn't mean it will always 
be easy, but it's livable. 

1250
01:03:14,800 --> 01:03:16,280
Yeah, that's good. 
Yeah. 

1251
01:03:16,440 --> 01:03:18,440
Yeah. 
Well, for the last little 

1252
01:03:18,440 --> 01:03:21,920
closing moment, I would like to 
say like give you a little 

1253
01:03:21,920 --> 01:03:24,280
option, OK. 
Maybe I haven't gave you an 

1254
01:03:24,280 --> 01:03:28,320
opportunity to say something and
you just it, it never fit in or 

1255
01:03:28,320 --> 01:03:31,160
whatever. 
Or maybe God revealed something 

1256
01:03:31,160 --> 01:03:33,720
to you more recently that you 
want to share about? 

1257
01:03:33,720 --> 01:03:36,760
Or a piece of advice like how 
would you like to close this 

1258
01:03:36,760 --> 01:03:39,320
episode today? 
Oh that's good. 

1259
01:03:40,160 --> 01:03:44,000
What has God revealed to me I 
think would be a great to share 

1260
01:03:44,000 --> 01:03:48,320
on? 
I've actually, so this is an 

1261
01:03:48,320 --> 01:03:52,840
interesting thing recently, 
probably over the last few 

1262
01:03:52,840 --> 01:03:55,200
months. 
This reason why I can talk about

1263
01:03:55,200 --> 01:03:57,760
this whole loneliness thing is 
because I really went through a 

1264
01:03:57,760 --> 01:04:02,000
difficult season with that. 
And I hit what we call the wall.

1265
01:04:02,960 --> 01:04:06,200
There's a book called A critical
Journey, and it's about the 

1266
01:04:06,200 --> 01:04:08,880
Christian walk and how all of us
have multiple stages in that 

1267
01:04:08,880 --> 01:04:11,960
journey. 
And I hit a wall where I was 

1268
01:04:11,960 --> 01:04:13,800
reading my Bible where I really 
enjoy it. 

1269
01:04:14,880 --> 01:04:16,880
I was, you know, going through 
all these different things. 

1270
01:04:16,880 --> 01:04:19,360
I just had a really hard time 
hitting the wall. 

1271
01:04:19,800 --> 01:04:23,240
And so I started busying myself 
with things to do. 

1272
01:04:23,680 --> 01:04:28,440
And I think if there's anything 
the Lord has revealed to me once

1273
01:04:28,440 --> 01:04:32,200
I hit that wall is that the wall
is my will versus his will. 

1274
01:04:32,960 --> 01:04:35,800
And that wall was, are you going
to submit to my will or are you 

1275
01:04:35,800 --> 01:04:39,160
going to continue trying to do 
things on your own? 

1276
01:04:40,120 --> 01:04:44,520
And so the thing I would share 
if I had to share anything is 

1277
01:04:44,760 --> 01:04:47,280
the Lord just dropped a 
scripture in my spirit. 

1278
01:04:48,560 --> 01:04:51,920
And I've been like marinating on
that for weeks. 

1279
01:04:52,240 --> 01:04:54,640
And that's what's helping me get
through the wall because you're 

1280
01:04:54,640 --> 01:04:57,160
not going to get around it. 
You're not going to get over it.

1281
01:04:57,480 --> 01:04:59,960
You can go back, but then you're
not going to really have a deep 

1282
01:04:59,960 --> 01:05:01,440
relationship. 
You have to go through that 

1283
01:05:01,440 --> 01:05:04,760
conflict of fighting your will 
versus His will. 

1284
01:05:04,760 --> 01:05:08,680
And the Lord put Psalms 13039 in
my heart. 

1285
01:05:08,920 --> 01:05:13,640
And at the last verse it says, 
search me and know me, you know,

1286
01:05:13,640 --> 01:05:16,720
if there's any sinful way, I 
mean you wicked way with me, you

1287
01:05:16,720 --> 01:05:22,440
know, I'll even share it. 
But I my biggest advice to 

1288
01:05:22,440 --> 01:05:26,880
anybody is if you hit that wall 
where you're having a really 

1289
01:05:26,880 --> 01:05:33,000
hard time, you know, walking 
with the Lord, don't avoid it. 

1290
01:05:33,200 --> 01:05:36,120
Yeah, don't avoid the wall. 
Don't avoid those hard feelings 

1291
01:05:36,320 --> 01:05:39,200
because a lot of times we'll 
avoid hard feelings or hard the 

1292
01:05:39,200 --> 01:05:41,200
difficulty in your walk with the
Lord. 

1293
01:05:41,520 --> 01:05:43,600
Let him walk you through it. 
Don't avoid it. 

1294
01:05:43,600 --> 01:05:47,600
Don't try to dodge it. 
Walk through that wall, let the 

1295
01:05:47,600 --> 01:05:49,800
Lord do it and he will walk you 
through it. 

1296
01:05:49,800 --> 01:05:52,440
He brought you to it actually. 
So he has to bring you at the 

1297
01:05:52,440 --> 01:05:56,000
end of yourself where you have 
to then lean on him. 

1298
01:05:56,000 --> 01:05:59,040
So I'm not talking about this 
loneliness thing from a place of

1299
01:05:59,720 --> 01:06:02,160
already I got it. 
I'm talking it from a place I'm 

1300
01:06:02,160 --> 01:06:05,680
walking it out. 
Love, God loves your being. 

1301
01:06:06,920 --> 01:06:11,760
You're not a human doing your 
human being and he loves you. 

1302
01:06:12,600 --> 01:06:16,000
Stop trying to accomplish all 
these things or try stop trying 

1303
01:06:16,000 --> 01:06:20,920
to avoid that, that tension, sit
in it. 

1304
01:06:20,960 --> 01:06:24,120
Yeah, wouldn't I think my mom 
calls it like holy sandpaper or 

1305
01:06:24,120 --> 01:06:26,760
something like that. 
It's molding you and shaping 

1306
01:06:26,760 --> 01:06:29,080
you. 
It's hard, yes, but it's it's, 

1307
01:06:29,080 --> 01:06:31,040
it's rounding out those rough 
edges. 

1308
01:06:31,040 --> 01:06:33,600
That's it, that's it. 
Let let him do the work that 

1309
01:06:33,600 --> 01:06:36,440
only he can do. 
So, but I'll I'll end it with 

1310
01:06:36,440 --> 01:06:39,840
just reading Psalm 139. 
I'll read the I was called right

1311
01:06:39,840 --> 01:06:44,400
and read the KKJV and that's I 
with an F and all the FS. 

1312
01:06:45,960 --> 01:06:48,480
But I'll end it. 
Just say it's about God's 

1313
01:06:48,640 --> 01:06:53,000
omnipresence and omniscience. 
Oh Lord, you have searched me 

1314
01:06:53,000 --> 01:06:55,120
and known me. 
You know when I sit down and 

1315
01:06:55,120 --> 01:06:58,120
when I rise up, You understand 
my thoughts are far off. 

1316
01:06:58,200 --> 01:07:00,640
You scrutinize my path and my 
lying down. 

1317
01:07:00,960 --> 01:07:04,480
You are intimately acquainted 
with all my ways, even before 

1318
01:07:04,480 --> 01:07:07,040
there's a word on my tongue. 
Behold, oh Lord, you know it 

1319
01:07:07,040 --> 01:07:09,520
all. 
You have enclosed me behind it 

1320
01:07:09,520 --> 01:07:11,720
before and laid your hand upon 
me. 

1321
01:07:12,120 --> 01:07:14,120
Such knowledge is too wonderful 
for me. 

1322
01:07:14,120 --> 01:07:16,000
It's too high. 
I cannot attain it. 

1323
01:07:16,440 --> 01:07:20,200
Where can I go from your spirit?
Where can I flee from your 

1324
01:07:20,200 --> 01:07:23,080
presence? 
If I send to heaven, you are 

1325
01:07:23,080 --> 01:07:25,920
there. 
If I make my bed and she'll 

1326
01:07:25,960 --> 01:07:28,720
behold you are there. 
If I take the wings of the dawn,

1327
01:07:28,720 --> 01:07:32,520
if I dwell in the remotest parts
of the sea, even there your hand

1328
01:07:32,680 --> 01:07:36,280
will lead me, and your hand will
lay hold of me. 

1329
01:07:36,800 --> 01:07:40,120
If I say surely the darkness 
will overwhelm me, and the light

1330
01:07:40,120 --> 01:07:43,360
around me will be night. 
Even the darkness is not dark 

1331
01:07:43,360 --> 01:07:46,280
for you, and the night is as 
bright as the day. 

1332
01:07:46,720 --> 01:07:50,600
Darkness and light are a light 
for you, For you formed me my 

1333
01:07:50,960 --> 01:07:54,240
you formed my inward parts. 
You wove me in my mother's womb.

1334
01:07:54,800 --> 01:07:57,840
I will give thanks to you, for I
am fearfully and wonderfully way

1335
01:07:57,840 --> 01:08:00,360
made. 
Wonderful are your works, and my

1336
01:08:00,360 --> 01:08:03,480
soul knows it well. 
My frame has was not hidden from

1337
01:08:03,480 --> 01:08:07,640
you when I was made in secret 
and skillfully wrought in the 

1338
01:08:07,640 --> 01:08:10,800
depths of the earth. 
Your eyes have seen my unformed 

1339
01:08:10,800 --> 01:08:13,760
substance. 
And in your book we're all, 

1340
01:08:13,760 --> 01:08:17,560
we're all written the days that 
were ordained from me, and as 

1341
01:08:17,560 --> 01:08:21,720
yet there was not one of them. 
How precious are your thoughts 

1342
01:08:21,720 --> 01:08:25,080
to me, O God? 
How vast is the sum of them? 

1343
01:08:25,560 --> 01:08:28,040
If I should count them, they 
will outnumber the sand. 

1344
01:08:28,520 --> 01:08:32,600
When I awake, I'm still with 
you, and you'll skip down. 

1345
01:08:35,640 --> 01:08:37,680
Search me, O God, and know my 
heart. 

1346
01:08:38,200 --> 01:08:41,720
Try me and know my anxious 
thoughts and see if there's any 

1347
01:08:41,720 --> 01:08:45,439
hurtful way in me and leave me 
in the way everlasting. 

1348
01:08:47,240 --> 01:08:48,279
That's good. 
Yeah. 

1349
01:08:48,600 --> 01:08:50,880
You could be an audio book 
reader for real. 

1350
01:08:50,880 --> 01:08:53,399
Yes. 
Like, that was so like, good. 

1351
01:08:53,680 --> 01:08:56,240
That was so soothing. 
I'm like, Oh my gosh, can I 

1352
01:08:56,240 --> 01:09:01,439
change out my man on my bio app?
Anyway, this has been absolutely

1353
01:09:01,439 --> 01:09:03,520
incredible. 
I am so glad that I got to know 

1354
01:09:03,520 --> 01:09:08,000
you more and just continue like 
doing life together. 

1355
01:09:08,000 --> 01:09:09,160
Let's do more. 
Absolutely. 

1356
01:09:09,520 --> 01:09:10,760
Yeah. 
It doesn't even have dumb 

1357
01:09:10,800 --> 01:09:12,359
podcasts. 
You can just hang out. 

1358
01:09:13,439 --> 01:09:15,479
Absolutely. 
All right guys, I hope you 

1359
01:09:15,479 --> 01:09:17,640
enjoyed this as much as I have. 
This has been absolutely 

1360
01:09:17,640 --> 01:09:21,800
incredible. 
Make sure that you just read 

1361
01:09:21,800 --> 01:09:25,160
your Bible, get into a community
like Grow in Christ, and if 

1362
01:09:25,160 --> 01:09:28,160
you're in that season of 
singleness or feel like you're 

1363
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:31,800
in isolation, use this time to 
grow closer to the Lord. 

1364
01:09:32,319 --> 01:09:33,880
Yep, Yep, absolutely, 
absolutely. 

1365
01:09:34,640 --> 01:09:37,240
Alright guys, stay tuned, stay 
blessed and we'll see you guys 

1366
01:09:37,240 --> 01:09:38,760
later. 
Bye, bye, guys.