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You are listening to Lost Ship, a weekly podcast written and
published by Daniel Aronson, performed and produced by Bobby
Garrison, Episode 11 Strange New Worlds.
Captain's Log. We've all landed on a rocky
alien planet, and I mean all of us.
Me, my crew, and all 500 refugees of Earth.
We're all down here on a strange new world.
The Starship Odysseus is currently 1000 miles above us,
being fumigated. We had a bad infestation of the
meanest alien pests I've ever seen.
We had to pump a lot of poison into our ships.
So we're going to be down here for a while and we're not alone.
Oh geez, they're everywhere, like pigeons fighting over a hot
dog in Hoboken. You couldn't find us a bitter
planet to land on camp. This was the only one available.
Don't tell me you're scared of crabs, are you?
Crabs. No.
I've seen crabs before, camp little things that run along the
beach and taste good with butter.
But these ain't no crabs, Captain.
Well, they've got the claws and the eyes on the stalks.
And bipedal bodies that are 6 feet tall.
Oh come on, they can't be taller than 5/8.
Huh, very funny camp. Let's see if you're laughing
when them claws slice into us. Oh boy, we hopped from a pan of
pushkins to a pot of crabkins. Crabkins.
Yeah, it just made it up. Suits them, doesn't it?
We. Are not called crabkins.
Oh geez, now they can talk, and in English too.
Those Andromeda translation matrices are powerful stuff of.
Course. We can talk.
We are not shell less. Worms like you.
How is it that worms walk upright and stand 5 1/2 feet
tall? Hey for your info buddy, I'm at
least 5-9, well maybe without my shoes but I got a big attitude I
promise you that. Their language makes no sense.
The matrices. Are malfunctioning.
They. All working correctly.
The worms are simply idle minded.
Hello Crabkins, my name is Toldu.
We are not crabkins. We all the.
Well, can I call you Crabkins for short?
Yes. All right, let me try again.
I'm Captain Jack Thorne of the Starship Odysseus.
I hate to interrupt whatever you normally do down here, but our
ship is being fumigated. We needed a place to land, and
we chose this one. I hope that's all right with
you. Very well, but you must
sacrifice your legs so that we may feed upon them.
What? Our legs?
You want to eat them? They will grow back.
You are worms. You will regenerate quickly.
I'm. Not sure about that.
And why do you keep calling us worms?
For the same reason you call us crabs.
Whatever crabs are, they must live on your home world and
vaguely resemble us here on. Our.
Planet. The closest animal to you is the
worm. He lives underground with us,
soft and shell less. We often eat his lower half.
He always regrows. Well, we're not worms, thank you
very much. We happen to be humans.
Aw. So you are the humans.
We've heard of. We seem to be developing A
reputation around this Galaxy. The Mollenboth Empire is furious
with you, Captain Thorne, despite the cantaloupe you fed
them. You have.
Broken up many local Andromeda laws like fighting at.
Bastager Sentinel. Landing on a quarantined planet
and spreading an infestation. Well, at this moment we are
fumigating that infestation. Not to mention speeding.
What? The information has spread
across the NDRO web. It is in your files.
Captain Thorne, your Starship was speeding.
I didn't realize that there was a speed limit officer.
Next time I'll be sure to use my cruise control.
The Mallgroth have placed a price on your head, Captain.
We could capture you and hand you over.
The reward is high, but the taste of soft, fleshy human
legs? Oh, that is priceless.
We will. Keep you here.
Hang you from the wall, eat your legs, let them regrow and eat
them over and over again. Aw.
Man, that sounds very tempting and thank you for complimenting
my legs, but I must decline. Yeah, I'm going to say no to
that too, guys. Look, I know my legs have been
getting a little bit too meaty lately, but I'm still going to
need them. You have no choice, humans.
We crabkins outnumber you a million to one.
We fill the underground tunnels of this world.
Why did you just call yourself Crabkins?
We did not. We are merely clattering our
shells. The translation matrix is
working with your English language HA to communicate with
soft Slytherin words instead of hard brisk clatters.
You cannot expect more from Worms.
To speak from your. Mouth, the very organ
responsible for eating legs. It is obscene.
I've heard enough. You want to fight Krabkins, I am
happy to oblige. I am no worm.
I have no soft thighs like Frankie Cacciatore.
Hey, I said meady, not soft. I am a warrior of Danny Meade.
A human, yes, but no weak Earthling.
I was born and bred on a world far harsher than this one.
I may have no shell, but I have fists that can crack shell and I
have a hunger for crab meat. So if you want to fight, come at
me and I will dine on your flesh.
Surely you don't have to eat them, lead.
Captain Shush, I am trying to intimidate them.
You're only creeping people out. Very well, Krafkins, I will not
eat you, but I will crack your shells open.
Oh, much better. And then, as your innards leak
onto the ground, I will stomp on your soft flesh.
Creepy again just got real creepy again.
So it is war. Kifton.
Oh God. They're going close.
On everybody. Just hold your freaking horses,
all right? There's got to be a way to
resolve this without no going into the mattresses, if you
knows what I mean. We do not know what you mean.
Horses, mattresses. We know of no such things on
this world. Yeah, you know mattresses.
Big things you sleep on. Rocks.
Yes, we sleep on rocks. Hard.
Terrible. Things to sleep.
On my shell is killing me today. No, not rocks, you nincompoops.
I said mattresses. They're soft and squishy.
It's like you sink right into them.
Well, let's see here. Like my girlfriend here, Vicky,
she likes a real soft mattress. Myself, I tend to prefer a
little firmer ones. Really, Frankie, can you not
tell the aliens about a mattress?
Why not babe? I'm just sharing some cultural
information here. Our bedroom habits are not
cultural information. Hey hey roulette, I never said
anything about our bedroom habits.
Though if you. Want I can tell him about last
night and hey hey, calm down babe.
We. Want to hear more?
Oh, tell us more about last night.
No, it's private. Something between a man and a
woman he loves with all his heart.
Ain't that right, Frankie? I said, ain't that right?
Love you baby. We do not care about the mating
habits of worms. Tell us more about these
mattresses. Soft things.
Soft like worms. Even softer, you'll love them
Crabkins. Once you sleep on a real
mattress, you'll wake up refreshed with no shell pains.
I. Guarantee it.
Hey, look here real quick, Crabkins, my Uncle Vinny back in
Jersey, he sells the best mattresses in the universe.
And I'll tell you what you tell him Frankie sent you and he's
going to give you 5% off. Give us your mattresses.
How about we trade crabkins, We give you mattresses, You let us
stay on the planet while we fumigate and.
We get to eat your legs at least once.
No deal. They'll regrow.
I said no deal, it's mattresses for a day on your planet and we
keep our legs. Can we eat?
Your arms, No. No eating anything.
I will convene with the Council of Crabs.
Give us a moment to discuss. All right, guys, let's quickly
set up a council of humans, Frankie LED Turoff Huddle time.
All right, listen up. I want this deal to go through
so nobody antagonize them or start any fights.
He means you, Ledbetter. But Captain.
I can take them, I can break them.
All I wouldn't be so sure LED. I mean, you're a big guy, but
there's a lot of crabs out there.
Too much even for you? Then I will die in battle.
Again with the dying in bevel. Leave bed there if you have a
death wish. Go juggle.
Grenades or something? Don't.
Keep. Pulling us into.
Fights ah. Excellent idea, Doctor Turov.
I do have several grenades with me and I've been meaning to
practice my juggling. Good.
Just do it over there. No, a little bit.
Further here a. Little bit further how?
About here. Perfect.
If he blows himself up, you owe me a new security officer,
Doctor Turov. Oh, don't worry, Captain, I
disabled his grenades weeks ago. Well, ever since he blew up one
in Miss Hall. Potatoes in shrapnel everywhere.
If you disabled his grenades, why did you keep asking him to
go farther and farther away? Are you kidding me, Captain?
Even without. Working grenades.
The barbarian is absolute menace.
Best to keep out of our diplomatic efforts.
Stop sniffing at me, Krabkins. Whoa, whoa, what's going on
here? Frankie that.
Crab was just sniffing at my legs.
Hey. Crabby, you were the 1 sniffing
at my girl's legs, wasn't you? Her legs are soft.
That's my girl you're talking about.
You keep your eye stocks off for her.
I'll crack your shell, Kabish. You do not intimidate us, Worm.
You have only warm fingers, no sharp claws.
Oh yeah, wise guy. Well, I got a wrench here
that'll crack you open like a pistachio shell.
I said stop sniffing. That does it.
You asked for it, bubs. Here comes the.
Wrench, Frankie. Taste the wrench crabby.
Frankie cool it. Frankie, fall back.
That's an order Mr. But Keb. You saw what he did to my girl.
There was one to eat her legs. Crabkin So you reject our deal?
You don't want our mattresses. I was just sniffing, not eating.
We choose the mattresses. Give us your mattresses once you
are done fumigating them, please.
Fumigate them well, worms. Oops, dropped one.
Wait a minute, why didn't it go off?
I am so strong I managed to disable the grenades with my
very fists. Yeah, keep practicing, good
barbarian. Hey all, you Lost Ship
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Well, here we are, back on the Odysseus, and somehow, once
again, we've cheated death. I never cheat death, I defeat
it. I prefer to cheat death.
However we did it, we're alive. We're all off that.
Terrible planet of. Crabs and our ship is
infestation free, not a living Pushkin to be found.
I guess Frankie was right that gas was powerful stuff.
It's a good thing we were all down there on that planet.
Oh, and. Best of all?
Captain, remember. That we traded all our
mattresses for a moment to fumigate.
Now tonight we get to sleep on this hard, hard deck.
Wait a minute. That sound Schrodinger.
I forgot Schrodinger on the ship.
Oh no. My cat has been aboard through
the. Fumigation Schrodinger, is that
you? But how?
How did you survive? I don't get it, Captain, I'm
certain. That cat wasn't.
Down on the planet with us. So how is he?
Alive. There is something very fishy
about all this. Hey, Bridge, this is Frankie
from down in Engineering. Yeah, it's something real
strange down here. Our entire engine's been busted
open and the Gables have been ripped out.
The saboteur he must have done. This the.
Same saboteur who released our air.
Yeah, it's got to be that same one who scrambled our navigation
comps and sent us here to the Andromeda Galaxy.
So I guess he's still causing damage.
Is he? Does anyone else notice how late
bed there's cat is staring at us?
Look at his eyes, they seem somehow human.
They do, don't they? I do not like this.
You've been listening to Lost Ship, a weekly podcast.
This has been episode 11, Strange New Worlds, written and
published by Daniel Aronson, performed and produced by Bobby
Garrison. Please give a likes or a thumbs
up to this episode and follow and subscribe to the channel
Sounds for this episode done by Epidemic Sound and tonight's
music talent brought to you by Howard Harper Barnes, Lennon
Hutton, Hannah Lindgren and Amber Glo.
You want more amazing stories written by Daniel Aaronson,
Please check out Daniel Aaronson at danielaaronson.com.
If you want more performances narrated by Bobby Garrison,
please check out the Sounds of stories.com.
Come back next week for another episode.
Hey all you listeners, this is Bobbi.
Garrison, performer and producer of.
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