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a weekly podcast written and published by Daniel Aronson,
performed and produced by Bobby Garrison, Episode 10.
The problem with Pushkin's Ledbetter was that your battle
pouch purring. Oh, right, Captain, there's
something I must tell you, and you're not going to like it.
Well, out with it, Ledbetter, give me the bad news.
Oh, Captain, it's not bad news. It's actually, well, good news
in a way. I guess if you think about it,
it is. Ledbetter out with it.
Here, just take a look inside my battle pouch.
What the heck is that? It looks like a furry cantaloupe
with eyes. I miss cantaloupes.
I wish you hadn't fed them to that alien Caterpillar.
But no, Sir, this is no cantaloupe.
It's a stowaway from planet Pushkin.
Wait a second, you mean the same planet with all the creatures
that tried to kill us? The same, Sir.
The same planet that was quarantined and guarded by
battleships due to a deadly infestation.
The exact same. And a creature from that planet
is now on my Starship. Is that correct, Mr. Ledbetter?
I told you you wouldn't like it. Oh no, I'm perfectly thrilled
about it. What could possibly go wrong?
Aw. I knew you'd come to like my
Pouston. You're.
What? I named the species Pushkin,
Sir. I mean after their planets.
Yes, I got it. Mr. Ledbetter, I want you to
toss that thing out the airlock. But Captain, he's only a
harmless, innocent little fuzzy cute up, Captain, look at him.
He's a menace and I told you, toss him out the airlock.
Captain, if you just pet him once.
Fine. Once it's not so bad, it's kind
of soft, Dan. Kirsten No.
Hey, that thing nearly bit my hand off.
Did you see the size of that mouth?
He's like a furry Pac-Man with teeth.
Like a bear trap inside a Russian hat.
Like the jaws of life in a fur coat.
Half hamster, half crocodile. Yes, now throw him out the
airlock. Captain, I promise to keep them
safe and in my quarters. You got a cage in there,
Ledbetter, because unless that things inside a cage, I'm not
going to feel comfortable. Of course I have a cage.
All Danny Warriors have cages. Why is that?
In case we capture prisoners of war.
Of course, it's tradition again. He never travels without his
cage. Fine, then toss this thing into
your cage and throw out the key. Thank you, Captain Pushkin.
Thanks you too. I am way too soft on my crew,
holy cow. Don't worry, Captain, nothing
will go wrong. They're everywhere.
Yo myo Captain, these grievers are literally everywhere.
Get away from me, you furry manifestations of death.
Captain's Log Supplemental It's been only four days since a
single Pushkin smuggled aboard the Odysseus.
We estimate their current population at over 20,000, and
they're still breeding. We can't seem for the life of us
that thing bit my ankle. I'm sorry, Captain, it's my
fault. I have not realized that Moki
was female and pregnant. Moki.
The first Pushkin aboard, The one who smuggled herself into my
battle pouch. I've named her Moki.
How lovely for you both. I told you to toss that thing
out of the airlock. Now they're everywhere.
They're all over our control panels.
They're on the deck, on my seat. There's one climbing my leg.
I want them off my ship. You know Bridge.
It's Frankie from engineering. Yeah, more than Pushkin's gotten
to our HVAC tubes. So I guess if you're allergic to
fur, I don't know, you may want to take an antihistamine or
something. Oh.
I wonder why I've been sneezing. Bonjour Bridge, this is Jacques
from the galley Mondo these little.
Beasts are eating our supplies. How can I cook when these
overgrown hearts are eating all our.
Food they even. Got into the pot of casole
since. When do we have a cook?
I am not cook, Monsieur, I am a chef de cuisine.
He's one of the refugees. He volunteered to cook last
week. I think he's a little crazy, but
he's a good cook. I mean chef de cuisine.
I didn't notice the cafeteria menu has improved.
Well, yeah, one of the ways the menus improved is we actually
have menus now, for starters. Well, those days are over among
me. I cannot cook with these things
in my kitchen. Have you ever tried making a
bacamel sauce while aliens are biting at your ankles?
I. RIP off my apron and I toss my
chef. 'S head with disgust.
Hold that thought, I have another call.
Hello Bridge, this is Aussie. From the hold.
We've got 500 refugees down here and about 4000 pushkins.
They're boing people, Captain. Several men already lost
fingers. That does it.
I want these things off my ship, Ledbetter.
I don't care how you do it, but get them off.
Sir, may I at? Least keep Moki.
No, you may not. I want every one of these little
pushkins blasted out the airlock, Moki included.
Is that understood? Yes, Sir.
I'll assemble A-Team. We'll get them all.
You have my word. Captain's Log Supplemental It's
been 5 days since the infestation began.
These critters give birth every few hours.
We estimate now the current population of Pushkin is at
100,000, all confined within a single Starship.
Schrodinger No, don't approach the Pushkins.
Moki No. Don't bite my cat.
I hope everyone remembered to wear their tallest boots today
because we are knoo deep and furry.
Death. I don't understand my team and I
spaced thousands of them. Well, they're breeding faster
than you can catch them and eating.
Oh Lord, they're eating everything.
Jalide, I quit. I cannot cook.
Under these conditions, did you you?
Know that I was trained in liquid on blue.
I had a Michelin star. Employee, now look at me.
Look at poor Jacques. I have no more provisions of my
galley, only a fur in the fields.
You have heard me. Jacques has quit.
It took only 5 days and they ate us out of house and home.
I wonder. Captain what?
Pushkin's taste like. The tie saw chicken.
Ozzie, is that you? Yes, Sir.
It's me. I'm still down in the hold.
The refugees are hungry. They've begun to eat some of the
pushkins. They taste like chicken.
Let me guess, they're breeding faster than you can eat them?
And it's worse than that, Captain.
They're growing bigger and minor.
What do you mean the little? Buggers are evolving, Captain.
They're generations are only a few hours long.
Each generation is bigger with sharper teeth.
They bit off a man's entire hand this morning.
Ozzy, shouldn't you be in the brake after you tied me up last
week and commandeered the sheep? The brake's been taken over
mate. Full of pushkins from floor to
ceiling. They do seem bigger today.
We need to get rid of these little creatures and fast.
Captain, we cannot get rid of them no matter what we do.
They breed too fast. Faster than Ledbetter can hunt
them, faster than Ozzy can eat them.
At this rate, within a few days they'll be eating us.
Oh it's no wonder that planet was quarantined.
I thought it was because of the dinosaurs.
Turns out it was because of these little fluff balls.
Captain. Look, holy moly, is that 1
giving birth? Yes, Captain.
And those babies, they're huge. They're bigger than the mother
somehow and. Uglier.
Ledbetter kill those. Things to battle.
Captain's Log Supplemental It's been a week since the first
Pushkin came aboard the Odysseus.
We estimate now that their population is over a million
strong. They're everywhere.
They're clogging the air ducts. They've eaten all the food,
drank all the water. The lower deck is.
Completely full. Of them floor to ceiling and
they keep growing bigger. We're securing the bridge for
now, but we can't hold them back much longer.
They're at the doors, they're everywhere.
Back you beasts, you will not enter.
Landmatter. They're breaking through the
porthole door. I'll be right there, no.
Landmatter, don't leave the starboard door alone.
Oh, they're breaking in. Everyone onto your chairs all
here, Captain. Ozzy, is that you?
I fought my way to the bridge with backup.
Go fight your way back to the Brig where you belong.
I'm here to save you, scientist. We'll beat the creatures back.
This won't do. No matter how many we kill,
they'll keep breeding. We need to get off the Odysseus,
then fumigate the whole darn ship.
Good idea Captain. We have 5 space suits.
We can float outside for a while, fumigate, then float back
inside. You, me, my wife, Frankie and,
well, we don't really need a fifth suit.
What about my 500 refugees? We don't have no spy suits.
Sure you can have one. Oh, you've got a big kidney.
We shall forever honor your sacrifice.
We're not. Sacrificing anyone not under my
watch. There's a star system nearby.
We might find a habitable planet.
Let's gun it before these creatures drink the last of our
fuel. Yes, Schrodinger, I know the
Pushkins are here in our quarters, too.
I don't like it any more than you.
Get off me, Pushkin. These creatures are truly
everywhere, and it's all my fault.
It's true, Schrodinger. I'm the one who smuggled Mochi
aboard. I thought you deserved a friend.
I thought Monkey could be that friend.
Yes, of course I'm your friend, Schrodinger.
But I've been busy keeping Hazi and his thugs in line, fighting
aliens, hunting for the saboteur.
So I got you a friend, and I doomed my ship.
I'm a failure. Oh, not a failure as a warrior.
No, I'm still the greatest warrior I've ever known.
But I've learned something living among the Earthlings.
With them. It's not enough to be a warrior.
You have to be a different sort of officer.
Wiser or cautious. I am neither one of those
things. What?
No meow of denial. Well, I don't suppose I deserve
it. Come in.
Hey lad, we're almost at the star and we detected A habitable
planet. I figured I'd call you over to
the bridge. I'd use the comms, but the
pushkins ate through the transmitters.
I'd better stay here in my quarters, Captain.
We're about to fumigate this entire Starship, Mr. Ledbetter.
You're coming down onto the planet with the rest of us.
No, I'm going to stay and go down with the enemy.
Ledbetter, this isn't the war against the Hydrans.
It's a pest infestation no different from mice or bedbugs.
No, Captain, this is a cruel enemy, and the enemy I brought
aboard. I tender my resignation
immediately, Captain. Resignation not accepted
Ledbetter, don't be too hard on yourself.
You didn't know that critter was inside your purse.
It's a Ganymede warrior pouch, and I knew I knew, Captain.
I smuggled Mochi aboard. I see so.
Please, Captain, accept my resignation and let me die with
honor. No and no Ledbetter right now,
if I were strong enough, I would strangle you with my own bare
hands. But thankfully I'm not strong
enough and I also happen to consider you one of my best
friends. We all make mistakes.
Do we, Sir? Mistakes that doom people to
die? Captain, you don't understand.
It's my fault. It's only some critters LED.
The Pushkins aren't going to kill us.
That's not what I mean. During the war, during the
hydrine assault, it's my fault Darsa died.
I could have saved her. I could have stayed on Ganymede,
but I left her behind, Captain, I went to war and she died.
My wife died. I was not there to protect her.
LED. That wasn't your fault, my
friend. It's nobody's fault but the
Hydriens. Yes, the Hydriens killed her,
but I let them do it. It should have been me.
I should have been the one they killed.
Oh, LED. I know it's hard, man.
It's so darn hard. The Hydriens killed my parents,
My wife and son are still missing.
It eats me up inside. It hurts me every day and at
night I dream of them. I dream of the Hydrans grabbing
my family and I wake up screaming and I blame myself.
You are not to blame, Sir, You fought hard.
We all fought hard in that war, You, me, Frankie, even Turov.
We all fought and we all lost loved ones, but we can't keep
doing this to ourselves. We can't keep blaming ourselves
for surviving. Darsa wants you to live, lead,
and I've got to believe that. The rest of the fallen, they
want us to fight on. You're right, Captain, and
unlike me, you are wise. Come to the bridge.
We have 500 souls aboard this ship and we will save them.
Captain's Log. It's been 9 days since the
Pushkin infestation began. We've reached a star system with
several rocky planets. One in particular seems
habitable. A place where we can set foot
while we fumigate the ship. I hope no danger lurks below,
but this is, after all, the Andromeda Galaxy.
Nothing here is easy. Captain, I'm pulling up some
stats on the planet. It's a beautiful world.
Looks like a rocky wasteland from up here.
The desert planet, but very Earth like.
There is an atmosphere, oxygen and the gravity is similar to
Earth. No plants.
Me it no plants that I can see anyways.
There's got to be some life if there's oxygen.
Well, probably microbes that leave underground or in a few
salty lakes. Maybe some Moss or algae here
and there. Otherwise the planet seems
empty. A perfect place for some shore
leave while we get off me Pushkins, my Lord.
They're the size of pumpkins now.
Good rat. Beasts.
Hello, Bridge, this is Ozzy. I'm in the airlock and I got the
shuttle ready. I took out all the seats.
We can probably squeeze in 20 guys at a time.
We'll have to make 25 trips just to ferry everyone down to the
surface. Then we better get started,
Ozzy. You start loading refugees into
the shuttle. Once everyone is on the surface,
the bridge crew will join you down there.
I'm on it, Captain. And make sure no Pushkin smuggle
into the shuttle. The last thing we need is to
infect another planet. None will get in, Captain.
I'll make sure of that. Frankie, come in.
Go for Frankie. You got that poisonous gas
ready. All ready to go, KEP.
Old Jersey mixture. I used it once to fumigate my
Uncle Vinny's Cadillac. I'm telling you, man, this is
some potent stuff, KEP. But it'll do the job all right.
Hold off until we're on the surface, then we'll release the
gas from a distance. Just setting up the remote
control now cap Frankie out. I'm flying the shuttle down now
bridge. I've got.
Twenty women and. Children aboard and.
I'll be back for more. And there she goes, gentlemen,
our little shuttle Persephone heading down to a new world.
I sure do wish it were Earth. We'll definitely get home,
Captain, eventually. You sound so sure, Doctor Turov.
I am sure, Captain, there is way home.
Ludmila and I discovered it. I I know I should have told you,
but we got so busy with aliens, mutinies, infestations and
saboteurs that I never had time. A way home.
Turn off back to the Milky Way. Yeah, see.
Very, very risky way home, Sir, with high chance of death.
Like everything else in this Galaxy.
So how do we do it? Tur off?
How do we fly home? Well, captain, you see it.
Odysseus, Odysseus, can you read me?
We're here. Ozzy.
Did you reach the surface? We just landed, Captain.
And oh, I have some bad news. We're not alone.
Down here. You have been listening to Lost
Ship, a weekly podcast. This has been episode 10, The
Problem with Pushkin's written and published by Daniel Erinson,
performed and produced by Bobby Garrison.
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