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show. You are listening to Lost Ship,
a weekly podcast written and published by Daniel Aronson,
performed and produced by Bobby Garrison.
Episode 13, The Goldfish Gambit, Captain's Log Supplemental.
We have found our saboteur. His name is Schrodinger.
On the surface, he appears as an ordinary house cat, but this
Kitty has a brain to rival his namesake.
So far, he's hurled us into another Galaxy, blasted a hole
through our hole, and ripped out our engine.
We're now just floating here, 1,000,000 light years from home,
no engine, and at the mercy of a cat.
He's stealing the ducks, Captain.
I can hear him scratching, meowing.
He torments my sleep. He haunts me every night.
He's only been in the Ducks for a few hours, Doctor Turov.
Huh. With this torturous noise, the
hours seems like weeks. He won't stop.
Meowing, I can hear you talking, humans.
Yes, you fear me and as soon. You will worship.
Me engineering, This is Captain Thorne calling from the bridge.
Hey, Cap, it's Frankie. How's it going up there on the
bridge? Oh, it's all right.
I mean, aside from the talking cat and the bulkheads a little.
Shroudy found his way up on the bridge.
Huh. Well down.
Frankie from Engineering says I. Frankie, I thought you were
building cat catching robots. Small ones.
Robots that could fit into the ducks and catch the Dang cat.
Well, camp, yeah, I started building them, got some work
done, but, well, you know, that cat did RIP out our engine.
I figured repairing our Starship engine is probably the highest
priority right now. Your ship is.
Dead in the. Water humans.
You will slowly suffocate out here worship.
Me and. Perhaps I will spare your lives.
Frankie, I want that cat captured.
That's your highest priority now, Mr. Yeah, understood, Kemp.
We'll let the boat float for a while.
Give the old. Girl, a break.
Get back to work on them robots. They'll do the trick.
Kemp, I'm telling you, they'll be fine.
Well, that is if Vicki don't catch the cat first.
Vicki, what's she got to do with any of this?
She crawled into the duck, got wriggling.
After that cat, I got to tell you Camp, I didn't think she was
going to fit. Hey, Kitty, Kitty, come to
Vicky. Come get your treat out.
Stop scratching me. Oh, she fit all right.
I can hear her through the bulkheads.
Vicky. Vicky, get out of there.
Vicky, there's a vent a couple feet below you.
Get out of the ductwork, Crawl onto the deck.
There you go. Sorry Cap, I had to crawl in
after him. I went to go.
I do. Now get off my bridge and stay
out of my walls. Hey, goodbye Captain, and watch
out for the Kitty. He's a mean one.
All right, robots, in you go. Oh.
Look at them go. They'll catch that cat.
You can bet on it. There was this street cat once.
It was a big male orange, 1A, real dumb cat.
You know, he used to prowl around my Uncle Vinny's place in
Jersey every night. You'd hear him yelling with the
lady cats. You ever heard cats at it?
The sounds they make, It ain't exactly easy on the ears.
Uncle Vinny, I tried everything. He tried motion detector,
sprinklers. He tried pepper spray, loud air
horns. You name it, he tried it.
Nothing got rid of that cat. Finally, Uncle Vinny calls me
over. He says, hey, hey, hey, Frankie.
Hey. He says to me.
He says I can't sleep. You got to do something about
this cat. So you built a robot and you
caught the cat with it. What?
No. I just let my dog Caesar loose.
He's a big, mean bulldog. Don't worry.
Old Cease could barely walk and wouldn't bite you if he was made
a pastrami. But a dog gave that tomcat A
fright, and that tomcat never came back.
Oh, I don't see how any of this is relevant.
Well, the robots I built, each one is a little Caesar.
They ain't gonna hurt the cat. He has that's ledge pet in
there, after all. You know, he's he ain't gonna do
me any justice if I get that cat.
Killed. But they sure will give that cat
the fright of his life. Captain's log supplemental.
It took a week, but Frankie and his boys finally fixed our
engine. We can keep flying in not a
moment too late. We're low on food, low on water,
low on patients. We need to find a planet, a
place to land, not swarming with aliens.
Is there any such place in Andromeda?
I don't know. But until we find a highway
home, we must stop at the roadside ends.
Actually, Captain, I wanted to talk to you about that.
About what exactly? About finding way home loud Mila
and I, well, we do have our little solution, but it's not
easy. I still need to explain.
Hold that thought, Doctor Turov. I'll get back to you, Frankie.
That cat is still in the walls. It's been a week.
Why haven't your robots caught him?
Cat. Let me tell you something.
That Cat, it ain't no punk. He broke every robot I sent
after him. I ain't never seen nothing like
that. I've been trying to capture him
too, Captain luring him with cans of tuna and Guinea Meade
war lullabies. It doesn't work anymore, which
is strange. Because he used to love them.
Yes, well, I used to have the IQ of a house plant, but now that.
I'm a genius. I prefer to torment humans for
my entertainment. I would still accept some tona
if you. Placed it by the vent.
Schrodinger, get out of the walls.
Very well, but only if you accept my demands first.
You. Must name me captain of the
ship. No second.
You must agree to call me Emperor Schrodinger and kneel
before me whenever I walk. By no deal. 3rd, and this is
most important provision, you must agree to feed me a live
goldfish. Wait, what?
That's random and specific I. Saw it once in a cartoon, a cat.
Devoured the living goldfish. All the fish got away, but.
For a moment. There, with the fish still in
his. Mouth, the animated cat seemed
immensely pleased. He leaned back.
Handed his belly and purred contentedly as a young kitten.
Observing the scene. I was deeply affected.
It left. Me in a.
Lifelong hunger for living goldfish.
And yet, despite this overpowering craving, stamped.
Into my mind in the formative. Spring of my life I've never.
Eaten one before. I never had the opportunity.
If you bring me a living goldfish, I will emerge.
From the walls to consume. It and.
I will agree to spare your lives in return for eternal servitude.
So in short, you'll go back to acting like a regular cat, Yes?
No more ripping engines out of any starships.
No more shall I molest the Odysseus you.
Have my word. Sir.
Very well, I accept. As do I.
Do you have the goldfish? Well, we have a fish in the
galley, frozen and breaded. They'll turn golden when you
cook them. Would you accept that?
Do not try my patience slave. Our deal demands a living
goldfish. You have three days or your new
engine will be floating in the. Depths of space alongside.
Your corpses. Hey all you.
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with Old Glory. I can't believe I'm about to say
this. I should be worrying about
getting the Odysseus home to the Milky Way.
I should be focused on finding more water, food and fuel.
But instead, I got to speak these unbelievable words to you,
my bridge crew. All right, man.
Right now, our top priority is finding a goldfish.
So who's got one? Anyone got any pets I don't know
about? Not me, Captain.
I find animals to be a nuisance. They do not intellectually
stimulate me in the slightest. I didn't realize they needed to.
I thought pets just needed to be cute and cuddly.
Well, maybe not cuddly in the case of a goldfish.
But who cares about cute or cuddly?
I much prefer to spend time with a good physics book than some
barking, meowing or gurgling creature.
Yes, that's exactly what my ex-wife said.
Anyway, nobody has a goldfish. What about you Ledbetter?
You've got a lot of pets. Oh yes, Captain, I've owned many
animals throughout my life. Yes, I remember Kermit the
dinosaur in Moki, the whatever that thing was.
Not to mention your cat in the vents.
Actually, come to think of it, Ledbetter, I believe every pet
you've ever owned has tried to kill part of my crew at some
point. I've raised them well, Captain,
But no, no goldfish. Though rest assured, if I had
raised a goldfish, he too would have been a warrior.
Well, Ozzy's been asking the refugees.
I know a few of them brought pets aboard.
Cats, dogs. You know, they snatched them up
when Earth fell and brought them along with them.
You know I don't. I don't suppose little Timmy
remembered to scoop up the fishbowl.
But if he did, Ozzy will let me know.
It's him calling now. Hi, Bridge.
It's. Ozzy from the hold.
I've made an inventory of all our pets.
We've got 7 dogs, 3 cats, none of them Schrodinger, 12
hamsters, half a turtle and what seems to be a frog and an
iguana. Half a turtle.
Never mind, I don't even want to know.
What about any fish? Sorry, Captain, No fish.
There's a frog if you think Schrodinger will accept it.
I doubt he will, he said. It's got to be a goldfish.
Well, thank you for trying, Ozzy.
Captain, can I have the iguana? No, gentlemen, we're in a
conundrum. What do we do?
How do we find a goldfish out here?
Well, Captain, I've noticed that convergent evolution is as true
an Andromeda as in Milky Way. In both galaxies, life tends to
take similar forms. It's why the Mulgroth look like
our caterpillars, why the vestigers look like armadillos,
why crab skins look like, well, cramps.
Life is like that. It flows along predictable
routes of evolution, like water flowing along the paths of least
resistance, shaping themselves to match environment.
I think I see where you're going with this.
So if we find the planet with oceans, we'll likely find fish.
If we find fish, some of them might happen to be gold.
We could get lucky. Who knows?
Well, turn off any good candidate.
Stars within reach. A star that might have a watery
world. Well, with our view low, we
can't get too far. But there's another star, only
four light years that the way. It might just be close enough,
and I can detect some planets that seem like good candidates.
We might find some food, the water and the energy.
Maybe goldfish too, Shall we? We shall, gentlemen.
Let's go fishing. All right, let's see here.
Who's my next patient? Ah, here we go.
It's that brave man from the. Hole.
The one who stood up to the big battle it better, and Mr. Osmond
isn't it. Call me Ozzy.
Doctor Clemens. Ah, you can call me Doc or old
Clem. No need for formality here.
This ship is our home and we're all family now.
What brings you into my medical Bay, Ozzy?
I'll be honest with you, I don't like seeing doctors.
Aren't many who do, son? I guess sometimes you'd see a
doctor on happy days, let's say, like the birth of a child or
something. But most times when you come see
us, it's because you're hurting, and I don't imagine you're here
because you're pregnant. I might have gained a few pounds
lately, but no, it's, it's something else.
I can't sleep, Doc. I think I've got insomnia.
Last night I was awake, tossing and turning.
I only slept a couple of hours and even that sleep was fitful.
Nightmares. I woke up screaming last night,
Doc. Well.
Not uncommon aboard this ship, son.
You, me, all of us. We've been through some
traumatic events. The Hydrian War, the fall of
Earth, not to mention our misadventures here in Andromeda.
I don't think many of us are sleeping well.
I just want the voices to stop. The voices.
I hear them at night, the voices of my wife, of my parents, of my
brothers. They called out to me, begging
me to help them. And I don't want to bore you
with the details. We all have our sob stories, as
you say. I just want some medicine,
something that'll put me to sleep at night.
Sometimes just talking about it's the best medicine son.
Now I can cure the symptom, I can give you a pill that'll
knock you out cold, but I'd rather address the root of the
issue. Boy, we both know the root Earth
fell, millions died, maybe billions, and my family died.
I, I can't do this. I I can't talk about it.
Why not, son? Because it hurts.
Some things are. Supposed to hurt.
When I poke a needle into a baby, the baby hollers, but it
still does the youngster a little good now.
But sometimes it's like that with adults too.
We got to hurt a little to heal. Oh, I ain't no psychologist or
therapist. I'm just an old country Dr. from
Kentucky. But I'm also your friend Ozzy.
I'm I'm telling you, I'm here to lend a listening ear.
Well. Maybe if it weren't as patient
and doctor. I'm off in three hours, Ozzy.
You can meet me at the galley. We'll have a cold drink and a
long talk and hopefully that'll make you asleep well tonight.
Well, men, there it is, a water world.
Another planet in this forsaken Galaxy we call Andromeda.
The last two planets we explored nearly killed us.
I wonder what terrors does this one hold?
I don't care what troubles are down there.
I'm staying on ship. If anyone else wants, they can
go swimming. If they're Goldfish Captain, you
can leave the bridge under my command in the meanwhile.
No can do. The last time we did that, the
crew mutinied against you. We found you trust up and our
Starship falling from the sky. Yes, well, bitter.
Leave a lid bitter behind too. He'll crush any potential
mutineers. No, I must go down to the
planet. Schrodinger is my cat, and it's
my responsibility to stop him. I'll die for the fish, you know.
Lead. It was Doctor Turov who gave
your cat sentience. I'd say he shares some of the
responsibility, no doubt. But Turov is also a weak,
cowardly man, useless outside the lab, so let him stay behind.
Ah, but I'm strong where it counts, my barbarian friend.
You have big muscles. I have big brain.
A big brain, A cat outsmarted you.
He's got you there, Turov. Let's write.
He's the right man for the mission.
He and I will go down there together.
You can't be serious, Captain, leaving the ship again after
what happened last time. Yes, I'm the captain.
I'm responsible for everyone on board and I take responsibility
for every problem, so I'm going down there too.
We can wear our space suits underwater, they're rated
waterproof. We just find the closest alien
resemblance to a goldfish and bring it back.
You will die down there. Humans in the.
Eye we'll. Laugh and laugh.
You know, Schrodinger, if we die down there, you won't get your
goldfish. Then I'll feed.
Upon your drowned, bloated corpses.
How we'll be at the bottom of the ocean.
You'll still be up here the. I will dive underwater to find
you. Hey Schrodinger, you should just
save us trouble and jump in the water right now.
Never I will. Not I must.
Live to torment. You.
You are. My slaves go in the.
Bring me. Back, goldfish, and I will spare
your lives. Listen guys, that cat is a
menace. He's small enough, sneaky
enough, and most importantly, smart enough to find the ship's
core. And if he.
Does find it he can blow us all up.
So we'll find him the fish and. Use that.
Fish as bait. So, Doctor Turoff, once we catch
him, can you make him dumb again?
Ah, Captain, I can reverse experiment.
Very well, we'll play his game for now.
All right, so come on. Ledbetter to the airlock.
We're taking the shuttle down to the planet.
I can't believe I'm doing this. Don't worry, Captain.
If there are any giant alien sharks down there, I'll protect
you. Yeah.
Hey. Hey.
Giant alien sharks. Yeah.
You've been listening too, boy. Lost Chip, a weekly podcast.
This has been episode 13, The Goldfish Gambit, written and
published by Daniel Aronson, performed and produced by Bobbi
Garrison. Please like or thumbs up this
episode and follow and subscribe to the channel Sounds for this
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