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Episode 9 Beacons and Bonds Captain's Log Supplemental It's
been a long day since the space-time anomaly hurled us to
the Andromeda Galaxy. We are the only humans out here.
Just us aboard the Odysseus. But we're not alone.
This Galaxy is teeming with aliens.
We've catalogued a few species so far, but we still know very
little about their ways. We seem to have broken a few
local Andromeda laws. After smuggling air off a
quarantine planet, we found ourselves encountering a new
life form, and not a pretty one. Hello.
Captain, Dear God. Your God can't help you here,
human. I shall be your new God.
Hold that thought. Let me put you on hold computer.
Call on hold, Sir. Ugly bastard, isn't he?
I think he's cute captain, sort of like Jim Henson puppet.
Who's what? I forgot, not that everyone
watches 300 year old. Classics.
Did you see how he was floating in water?
He looks like a fish to me. An ugly fish.
A fish so Ugly, God put it down at the ocean depths where no
light can reach it. And once you shine a light on
such a creature, it's not a pleasant sight on the eyes.
Those Tufts of hair, those teeth, those white eyes, no
pupils in them, just round white orbs.
It gives me the willies. Seriously Captain, you should
watch some classics come to my quarters sometime.
I have entire collection of 20th century nostalgia.
Computer resume the call. In your world, human, do you
normally put gods on hold? Oh, we do it all the time on
Earth. Our gods don't mind.
But I don't think you're a God. What are you?
Ignorant to apes, I am the Lord and master of the Andromeda
Galaxy. My name is Hubert, Emperor
Hubert. Why do you have a human name?
I. Do not have a human name.
Your translation matrix chose one for me at random.
Well, what's your name in your language then?
My species communicates by biting one another.
The pattern of teeth, the force of the jaw, and the rhythm of
the chewing all impart knowledge far greater than words could
ever deal. If I did my name into you, you
would not survive the ordeal. Fine then Hubert it is.
Listen Hugh, we hate to be rude but we got to be on our way.
So if you don't mind moving your 3 heavy warships back a bit,
we're trying to find a way back to.
Earth, Earth. I have been there as a child.
What? Earth, the blue planet and the
Milky Way. Surely you are familiar with it,
Captain. Yeah, I'm familiar with it.
It just so happens I was born there.
Why are you familiar with it? Oh, Lord and Emperor of
Andromeda. My species has sent out billions
of pods to billions of galaxies. We grow up on billions of
worlds. My pod cluster was sent to spy
on Earth. We have decided that you are not
worth colonizing. Thanks, I guess, but if you were
on earth, why did we never see you?
We spied on you from the ocean depths where no light.
Shines, I knew it. On Earth we are known as
telescope fish. Some have likened us to
creations of your long dead artist Jim Henson.
I told you, Captain. I sprouted from my mother's body
like a tumor. For years, I grew from her
sprouting larger and larger. I consumed her nutrients.
I tormented her endlessly. Finally, I bit myself free, left
her to die, and swam away. I never looked back.
Huh. Just like humans.
She died of her injuries, my poor mother, just like her
mother before her and her mother before that.
They all died that way. By giving life, the very life
they created destroyed them. Is there a point to all this
Hubert? I'm getting to it.
You see, some telescope fish chose not to breed.
They thought that this way they could cheat death.
It was loneliness that got them. Loneliness.
In the Stygian darkness of the ocean depths, a mother at least
has her tumor. But those telescope fish who do
not sprout new life, all all they have is one another.
They gather in the dark, seeking companionship.
But since our species can only communicate by biting, they
quickly bite one another to death.
Yes. Well, thank you for that cheery
story, Hubert. Now, if you don't mind moving
your ship, I am. Getting to my point, human, do
not rush me. I tell you these tales of woe
not to burden you. Oh no, no, burden it all really.
I'm having a marvellous time. I tell you these stories to
impress upon you my pods great sacrifice.
Here in Andromeda, we live a life of luxury.
But on Earth, oh how we suffered.
We simple telescope fish. The crushing depths of your
ocean, the endless darkness, the stinging brine, the pollution.
Oh the endless pollution. I once woke up and found myself
wrapped in a spoiled diaper. And not a baby ones either.
Well, it wasn't mine, I can tell you that much.
Can we go now? No.
I must first complete my long and weary tale of agony.
Yes, the agony part is really coming through.
Throughout our suffering on Earth, we never forgot our task.
We were sent there from Andromeda on a mission to spy.
We swam through your sewers, rummaged through your trash, and
even keep out of your pipes. Finally, after generation and
generation of agony, we gathered enough data on humans and we
sent home our conclusion. Earth is not worth colonizing.
Well, it has its problems, but it's pretty in the spring.
I prefer fall. Hubert, listen to me.
Is there any point in all this talk?
Because I'm bored now move your ships out of our way.
If you dare order me like a servant, I am the Emperor of
Andromeda. If you're the emperor, where's
your throne? I am a fish.
I do not sit on Thrones. I am perfectly comfortable
floating here in this watery bowl.
All right, well, if you're the Emperor, where are all your
armies? Where's the royal?
Fleet, you are looking at it what?
These three ships. They are the mightiest ships in
the Galaxy. Human.
Their hulls are thick, their. Cannons.
Are long. Their engines blaze hotter than
stars. Remember, we telescope fish are
only 7 inches long. To you our ships might appear
ordinary in size, but us? They are like flying oceans.
We have filled them with dark water with only the dimmest of
lights mimicking our natural habitat.
They are marvels of engineering and wonders of technology.
Behold our mighty fleet. In tower, yes.
Well, it's still only three ships.
And you? Only have one and assume you
will have 0. Give me a moment.
Hubert Ledbetter, do you read me?
Yes, Captain. Is it time for battle?
It's time for battle. Wonderful, I'll be at the bridge
in no time. Hey, Vicky, pass me those
screws, will you? I don't want a Frankie.
Oh, come on, Vicky. The cap needs me to repair this
outlet. Now pass me the screws, will
you? Oh, the cap.
The cap. That's all you ever talk about,
Frankie? Just you, dear Captain Fawn.
What about me? What about you?
You're a banging hot babe, Vicky.
What more is there? Do it.
Don't you talk to me like that. I'm your girlfriend, Frankie
Kettatore. Yeah, well, my girls are.
Banging hot babe. Now be a sweetheart and pass me
those screws, will ya? Huh.
That's all I am to ya. Somebody to pass your tools to
look pretty. Come on, baby, You're the one
who insisted I pay for makeup school.
For the plastic surgeries, For the Hairspray.
So much Hairspray. I went to makeup school so I
could become an independent woman.
As for the surgeries, well, I thought you'd like them.
Huh, baby, can we? Discuss the shape of your.
Well, let's discuss them later. For now, the screws, sweetheart.
All right, fine. Here, take your stinking screws.
You screw them, Watch it. And these are the wrong screws.
Good day Frankie. Good day, Vicky.
Hiya Ozzy, you pass him as screws from now on?
So, Frankie. So, Ozzy.
I just came here to well see if you needed help with anything.
No thanks. Come on Frankie, I'm a good
welder and a good handyman. I can help you with that power
outlet. I said I'm fine.
I don't talk to me like I'm your wife.
I already had one. She died in the hydrine
invasion. I don't need you giving me the
silent treatment too. Listen buddy, I got work to do,
OK? Damn it, Frankie, I didn't think
you were coming back. You should have stopped your
sentence after that. You're right.
Well, dumb brew, but these people, he was suffocating.
We almost had no way you weren't coming back with the tank.
I I had to do it. I had to bring the ship down.
Ozzy. You and I, we, we welded
together. That's a that's a holy bond.
You think I don't know that? You think that means nothing to
me? I don't know what it means to
you, buddy. All I know is Ledbetter, the CAP
and I, we went down to get air for the ship and you tried to
crash that ship down. You have a responsibility to
your uniform, to your captain. But me, I'm I'm just a refugee.
My responsibility is to my people, the survivors of the
Hydrian Holocaust. We're all survivors, Ozzy.
All of us. Yes.
You lost a wife. You don't think I didn't lose no
people? My own brother, Ozzy, My own
brother died down on Earth. Them squids ripped them apart.
Sometimes I wish. They got me instead.
But you know, we're all survivors, buddy.
All of us. I don't, Frankie.
I'll betrayed you. I'm sorry.
I know you are. But it's not up to me to forgive
you. They're going to court martial
you, buddy. And if they find you guilty of
mutiny, well, that ain't going to be no good.
Because you see, they used to space officers for that in the
war. I could think.
I'm not an officer now. Let me help.
I'll do the rest of the screws. All right, buddy, let's work
together like like before. Steel is a bone as strong as
blood. We used to say that in the
mines. Yeah, well, in Jersey we used to
say you break it, you fix it. You broke my trust, buddy.
All of our trust. Now it's up.
To you to fix it 1 bolt at a time.
Hey all, you Lost Ship listeners, it's Frankie Gadget
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Wow, it's a mouthful ledbetter go do.
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Lieutenant Commander Bruno Ledbetter reporting for duty,
Sir. Welcome back our intrepid chief
of security. Wherever there are bones to
crush, Bruno Ledbetter will be found that.
Alien on the screen? Is that a telescope fish?
Wait, you have telescope fish on Ganymede?
Telescope fish exist everywhere in the Galaxy.
They send out billions of spies to billions of worlds.
Yes, we got the privilege of hearing the long version of that
story. They lurked in Guinea, Medes,
oceans too. They decided that our world was
far too powerful to colonize. Well, how nice for you.
But right now there's a deranged telescope fish who seems to
believe he's the Emperor of Andromeda, and he's blocking our
way. I can still hear you, humans,
and I assure you I am indeed Emperor of Andromeda.
I am Emperor Hubert's Lord and master of the Galaxy.
Wait, why do you have a human name?
I do not have a human name. I shall explain.
My story begins a billion years ago in the depths of the ocean,
a time before I even knew there was a thing called light.
In those days I was but a tumor growing on my.
Computer and call. Call terminated.
Listen lad, I'll give you the gist of it.
He's insane, but he has three ships while we only have. 1.
Have you tried flying by them? He keeps pointing those cannons
at us. That does not answer my
question, Captain. No, we didn't try.
I was waiting for you in case it got hairy.
I will man the battle station. You take the helm, Captain, and
Turov. Yes.
You just keep out of our way. I would never get in the way of
barbarian and this prey good. Bone crushing to you, Sir.
If you need me, I shall be cowering under my desk.
Let. Me fly around that left
fishbowl. Fishbowl, Sir.
Let's see. They're round, they're full of
water, and there are fish inside.
So fish bowls. The Starship probably have a
real name, but Hubert would have to bite it into me.
Fish bowls it is. I'm ready, Sir.
They don't like it. Those cannons are pointing our
way. They are shooting plasma bolts.
I shot the bolts down. You may keep flying forward,
Captain. No fly.
Backwards. We're going forward full speed
ahead. They hit us, Captain Shields
holding. Request permission to fire.
Granted. They seem to have a
sophisticated system of point defence lasers, Sir, they keep
shooting down my torpedoes. Incoming call from alien vessel.
You cannot. Destroy me, humans.
I am Hubert the abhorrent. You are nothing but apes.
They're launching more plasma bolts, shooting them down.
Another hit us. Shield's holding, but they're
down to 50%, Sir, that's all. Right, we're almost past those
fish bowls. Wait, they're moving backwards
to block us? Wow, those fish bowls are fast.
I. Have warned you apes.
The great Armada of Emperor Hubert is the envy of the
Galaxy. You know what we telescope fish
enjoy most? Eating flesh.
Yours will feed my brood. See these little bumps on my
body? Soon they'll grow eyes, and now
this. And they will feast.
The computer. Hang up, will ya?
Ending call. Stars above I hate telescope
fish. Indeed, they are unpleasant
creatures. Back in Ganymede we used to feed
them to prisoners as punishment. Often it was the telescope fish
who fed on the prisoners let. Me.
Try flying between those two fish bowls.
Maybe we can. Ah, those sneaky creatures.
They are worthy warriors. I must admit I kept launching
missiles at them, but they shoot everything down.
We have met a worthy adversary indeed, but I am prepared to
fight to the death. I am not ready.
They hit us again. Shields down to 10% Sir.
The moment of our glorious death and battle draws near.
How about the moment when we fly back the Pushkin?
A planet full of man eating dinosaurs?
No thanks. We're going to breakthrough
those fish bowls, gentlemen, but hell.
They shoot down everything we lob at them.
I know we can ram them. We can probably ram at least two
of them before our deaths. If we can get them to line up,
that is. No ramming.
You don't ram into a fishbowl, but how do you defeat a creature
from the ocean depths? Well, unless you brought the
galaxy's largest fishing rod, I have no idea, Captain.
Consider this. You saw how dark it was in those
fish bowls on worlds they invade.
They live in the ocean depths in the dark.
Must be why they have those huge white eyes.
Those eyes are designed to capture whatever few photons
they can find. I say we shine some bright
lights into those eyes. We'll.
Blind them. Just one problem we don't have
headlights. Theses storeship not automobile.
Don't you tell me Frankie can't jigger together some headlights.
He's performed miracles before. Even if Frankie does build giant
headlight, how do we shine them into alien eyes?
They are inside their fish bowls.
We are here. Those fish bowls have portholes,
Dr. Turov. The aliens like portholes, same
as we do. And just like us, they like
staring out into the darkness of space.
Look how they all keep their sterns toward the local star
like creatures shying away from the light.
Well, we'll blast some beams through those portholes of
theirs. We'll light up those entire fish
bowls like Christmas ornaments. They're firing more plasma
bolts. All right, I shot them down.
But Sir, we are running low on ammo.
Frankie, come in. Yeah, Frankie here.
What happened, guys? Did you guys get in another
battle? Frankie, we need you to build us
some headlights and we need them like yesterday.
Yeah, sure, Kemp. I guess I can come up with some
designs and then. Make no Frankie, we don't have
time. We need to shine bright lights
out the Odysseus and we need it now.
You got it, Kemp. Give me 10 minutes.
I'll try. 10 minutes. This is Andromeda.
You get 10 disasters in 10 minutes.
I'm going back under my desk. All right, guys, listen up.
I called the whole crew here because this is urgent.
We got to shine lights out the ship.
And I don't mean the normal little lights or girl shines.
I mean we need a beam so bright and so hot it can bake a calzone
over here. Any ideas how we do it?
Any ideas whatsoever? Come on guys, no ideas.
A bad idea? I have an idea.
All right, Ozzy, here we go. That's what I'm talking about.
Let's hear it now. We have lifeboat beacons on the
ship, don't we? That's how we refugees found our
ship in the first place. Yeah, we still got those
beacons, but they're they're not going to be that bright.
They will be. They're full of Xenon.
We'll stuff them into the Proud Cannon, hook them up to the
capacitors and light them up. Yeah, in the cannon's magnetic
coils connect, there's a collimator.
Tighten the beam, you know. That's what I'm talking about.
We'll turn the cannon into a bloody lighthouse.
We'll have to remove all the. Torpedoes from the cannon, but
yeah, of course. Well, Ledbetter won't be happy
about that, but it'll let us shine that beam.
Ozzy, you're a genius. Just doing my job mate, taking
care of my crew. All right boys, you heard the
man. Go grab every Xenon beacon you
can find him. Bring him to.
The cannon or building? A lighthouse they.
Hit us again, Shields down to 5%.
We won't take another hit, Captain.
Retreat. Retreat now.
We might have to hang on Frankie's calling.
Yo, Bridge, it's Frankie. We got to take torpedoes out of
the cannon, if you don't mind. What?
Sorry big fella, but you wanted a headlight?
Well, we're going to turn the cannon into the biggest
headlight you've ever seen. Do it.
How long do you? Need won't be even 5 minutes
cap. Make it 4 bridge out.
We won't last four minutes against those telescope fish,
not without a working cannon. The weakling is right time for
ramming. No ramming, but I have an idea.
Let's stall them. Computer call the alien ship.
Opening hailing frequency, ah. Hello humans So.
You have called. Me to beg for mercy?
Never. Actually, Hubert.
Emperor Hubert. OK, Actually, Emperor Hubert, I
was wondering something. You see my crewman hiding under
the desk there? That's Doctor Turov.
He wasn't listening when you told us the story of life under
the Pacific. I wanted to ask, before killing
us, if you could share that story again.
I mean for Doctor Turov here. Hiding under the desk is he?
We ain't telescope fish. And to hide under oceans.
Oceans of crushing weight. Do you think we did not feel the
weight? Oh, we felt it every day.
The weight of the water snapped our bones and at night we had to
swim into our cave to heal. In the morning we swam out to
spy, only for our bones to snap again.
Do you think you know pain, Captain Thorne?
Well. I stubbed my toe once or twice,
so I guess you're lucky you don't have toes.
You are worried about toes. A thermal vent once burned off
my tail. Toes.
I would have given universes to have toes and stubbed them.
My Π and I suffered all the indignities of life on Earth
only to realize your planet is not even worth conquering now.
We will have our revenge now. We will make you suffer now.
We will burn your precious toes in thermal.
Vents come on, it can't hurt that bad.
Not as bad as stubbing them. Well, you will feel it soon
enough, ape, and after I have burned your toes, I will bite
you. I will bite you over and over.
I will bite entire telescope fish epic poems into your flesh.
And then? All right, Camp, we're ready.
Ledbetter, light her up. Wow.
That is bright I'm.
Almost blind here on the bridge. Oh lead.
Those alien ships are charging at us.
Not for long. Aiming cannon and I got one
right in the porthole and another and I got 1/3.
Turn off the lights. We cannot tolerate lights.
We do not have eyelids, you know.
Well that's a shame. No toes and no eyelids.
Well, I'll turn the lights off if you back off and let us
through. Be all.
All right, the lights are off now.
Back off or we'll blind you again.
It's working, Captain. They're retreating.
You have not heard the Last of Us humans.
We telescope fish. Have been around for.
Billions of years. We know how to hold a grudge,
yeah. Next time, bring some shades.
Goodbye, Hubert. Good luck with your Empire.
Captain's Log Supplemental. What a day.
We had some close calls, but we're still alive.
Our ship is full of air and we defeated the aliens, but we're
still lost out here, lost in another Galaxy.
The telescope fish said they've visited the Milky Way before.
That means there's some way home.
I'm going to find it, and I'm going to reunite us with the
ragtag fleet today. For the first time since Earth
fell, I feel hope. Captain Out.
Ledbetter was that your battle pouch purring?
Oh, right, Captain, there's something I must tell you.
And you're. Not going to like it.
You have been listening to Lost Ship, a weekly podcast.
This has been episode 9, Beacons and Bonds, written and published
by Daniel Aronson, performed and produced by Bobby Garrison.
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