1 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:12,200 All right, well, we've done our best stuff, so if you were going 2 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:14,160 to leave, you should have gone at lunch. 3 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,320 That was a joke. Hopefully this is as good as the 4 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:23,840 rest of the stuff. So we want to look at 3 big 5 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,880 areas that Christians and marriages struggle on. 6 00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:31,320 We're going to start with the one we're very good at. 7 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:37,720 The next one we're OK at and the last one I think we really 8 00:00:37,720 --> 00:00:41,120 struggle and I want to finish with the one we struggle at 9 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:47,200 because you think after 33 years, 35 years, sorry, can't 10 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:51,640 they get this right yet? But the three titles are money, 11 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:55,840 sex and power. So those are the areas we're 12 00:00:55,840 --> 00:01:01,720 going to look at. And and I just want to say that 13 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:09,360 when you first get married and it's the honeymoon period and 14 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:13,880 it's kind of easy and you haven't got children and and you 15 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:18,800 really get to know each other. There are things that happen in 16 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:23,240 your marriage that change the whole direction of your 17 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,440 marriage. I want to tell you one story 18 00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:29,400 because I think it'll help you in your marriage. 19 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:35,240 So Charlotte, when we got married, worked for British 20 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:40,440 Airways, she worked at Gatwick, but sometimes she'd have to fly 21 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:45,920 out of Heathrow and she'd always say to they, they had a courtesy 22 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,160 coach. And she goes, alright, I've got 23 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:51,840 to go somewhere afterwards, I'll take my car. 24 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:57,640 And the reason was she felt claustrophobic, trapped on a 25 00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:02,480 coach in church. She liked to sit near the exit, 26 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:04,720 so she'd sit on the back row near the exit. 27 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:09,800 This is when we first got married and I'm a leader in the 28 00:02:09,840 --> 00:02:14,120 church and we all sat on the front row, not on the back row. 29 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:18,520 And so as far away from the exit as possible. 30 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:25,080 And and also supermarkets, she'd sometimes come home and just say 31 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,320 I just had to leave the shopping trolley. 32 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:29,920 I felt, I felt like I was going to be sick. 33 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:35,280 So she left. I loved encouraging her, looking 34 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:37,560 after her. So week after week. 35 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:41,720 It took two years. She'd moved one row forward and 36 00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:47,480 then from the the end row, she'd eventually, two years in, after 37 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:55,040 encouragement and prayer and she was able to go to Stoneleigh 38 00:02:55,040 --> 00:02:59,040 Bible Week, 30,000 people sit in the front, in the middle with 39 00:02:59,040 --> 00:03:01,440 all the other leaders at the front. 40 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:07,120 And she knew she was free. And I would say our marriage 41 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:10,600 changed because I loved being her, encourage her. 42 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:14,560 She didn't need me. I felt again, I felt a little 43 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:18,400 bit left out. What's my role now? 44 00:03:18,640 --> 00:03:22,000 Roles change all the time as husbands and wives and you have 45 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,160 to keep learning to adjust and adjust and adjust. 46 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:31,200 And, and yeah, I, I like the coaching role and I didn't like, 47 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:35,040 I, I loved her being healed, but I didn't love not knowing what 48 00:03:35,040 --> 00:03:38,360 my new role is now. Because we had a very clear 49 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:45,240 focus, get through these fear of being sick 3 areas. 50 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,880 Then for years, nothing happened. 51 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:53,400 Charlotte was completely free. Then her dad died, her daughter 52 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,360 got married, we cleared her mum and dad's house. 53 00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:00,160 And that anxiety came back, but in a different form. 54 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:06,920 And you're like, whoa, why? But life changes and things 55 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:10,520 happen and for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer. 56 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:15,000 Very important that we are committed to each other, 57 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:19,560 whatever we're going through. So we're going to look at money, 58 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:23,760 sex and power, but don't think it's just one topic, one topic, 59 00:04:23,760 --> 00:04:26,880 one topic. Each topic changes as the years 60 00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,440 go on. So yeah. 61 00:04:31,360 --> 00:04:35,560 But we're good at money, so we'll talk about that. 62 00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:38,200 We'll start on the money one. Is this on? 63 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,400 Am I? On No. 64 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,440 Is it on? Thank you. 65 00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:47,960 Yeah, Money. I think I've mentioned briefly 66 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:51,520 in the last session that when we got married, we both had 67 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,400 slightly different views of money. 68 00:04:53,800 --> 00:04:59,800 Graham was much more able to trust God than I was in terms of 69 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:04,160 money. So that was something that where 70 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:08,760 we, yeah, initially struggled, but then I think that was 71 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:12,040 somewhere where I needed to meet him predominantly. 72 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:17,080 So gradually I started to meet him where he was at. 73 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:24,280 In terms of living by faith very much, there are some areas to do 74 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:27,440 with money where we have met in the middle. 75 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:33,400 So for example, it might be that one of us is reluctant to spend 76 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:37,440 some of our savings on something and the other one might think, 77 00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:40,240 well, actually this is what our savings are for, to make life, 78 00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,040 you know, a bit easier for us or whatever it is. 79 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:48,200 So yeah, like Graham says, we have to sort of flow that you. 80 00:05:48,240 --> 00:05:52,280 We can't have a hard and fast rule in marriage. 81 00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:56,920 Like we must always do this. We must always do this because 82 00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,880 whatever God's telling us at the time changes. 83 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:06,040 And it may be that we, as I say, we want to give some money to a 84 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:09,240 particular cause and one of us thinks of this figure and one of 85 00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,520 us thinks of that figure and we either put another naughty on 86 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:16,920 the end or we meet part way. But the thing I can tell you is 87 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,400 this. You cannot outgive God when it 88 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:23,320 comes to money. You cannot outgive God. 89 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,880 There have been numerous times in our marriage where we have 90 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:33,880 given a significant amount of money away, even though it was a 91 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:37,840 bit like, oh, that's going to, you know, smart a little. 92 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:44,440 And then remarkably, within a very short space of time, that 93 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:48,440 same amount of money comes back to you in a different form. 94 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,240 And it's like, what? How did that happen? 95 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,680 Now it's not like for like, and well, God, I'll do that. 96 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:58,280 If you do that, you don't bargain with God. 97 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,480 You just trust him and trust that he will look after you. 98 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:06,120 So yeah, we've got dozens of stories and I, I don't want to 99 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:11,880 spend time today telling you all of them, but you part of being 100 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:17,320 on the mission together is isn't just doing stuff out there that 101 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:20,160 people can see. It's how you relate to each 102 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:24,280 other with the big things in life like money. 103 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:30,200 And when you're both excited and knowing that God has provided it 104 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:36,000 for you and you're just stewarding it for him while 105 00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:40,360 temporarily, then it's exciting to actually take a risk 106 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:43,120 together. If you're in agreement, give 107 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,920 something away or do something with it, or bless a particular 108 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:52,240 individual, whatever. And then it may not be that you 109 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:56,520 get the same thing back again. It may be that something else 110 00:07:56,520 --> 00:08:00,120 happens and you think oh actually something else has 111 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,360 happened. This really, Oh, we gave her, oh 112 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:06,080 it may They may not be connected, but God is on the 113 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:13,440 move and God looks after you. We had many times when our kids 114 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:17,080 were young where so many people in the church or friends or 115 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,880 neighbours would give us bags of clothes and bags of toys. 116 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,880 Honestly, I could truthfully say till my son was nine years old, 117 00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,120 I don't think I'd bought him a stitch of clothing in his life. 118 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,480 It was great. It almost became like a little 119 00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:29,600 challenge to me. Oh, I wonder out and see how far 120 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,560 I'm going without having to actually buy anything. 121 00:08:33,520 --> 00:08:36,840 Yeah, so. And now we are sort of at the 122 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:40,799 other end of that spectrum and we love nothing more than just 123 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:45,640 giving things away to people, be it kids items, be it some 124 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,800 furniture that we've updated or don't need anymore. 125 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:54,720 We love doing that. Find joy in giving away. 126 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:57,480 And I don't just mean things. It may be that you're sitting 127 00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:01,000 here today thinking I haven't got anything I can give away. 128 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:08,560 Give away your time, Give away your energy. 129 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,960 Give away something. If you have got literally 130 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,680 nothing to give away, that's fine. 131 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:19,640 You can give away yourself and say to the leaders, look, I I 132 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,680 just want to give myself to God. What can I do that would bless 133 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:24,960 you this week? What can I do that would bless 134 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,800 you in church on a Sunday? Would it help if I got there 20 135 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,560 minutes early and did something? Would it help if I stayed on 136 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:38,320 another 15 minutes at the end? And give yourself as an act of 137 00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,440 submission. And when you do it together, 138 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:48,080 then it more than double S. It more than double S, yes, so. 139 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,480 So I think we've been married about 10 years in. 140 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:57,480 We were in Liverpool by this time and we went for marriage 141 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:01,640 counselling and the marriage counsellor said you just seem to 142 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:08,280 miss on so many areas. We just would miss on money. 143 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:13,200 We pretty much were the same, which was unusual for us. 144 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:18,720 So I'll explain. So we both quite happy to save, 145 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:20,640 we both quite happy not to spend. 146 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:25,560 If we do eat out, it's usually because the business genius here 147 00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:29,920 would have Tesco's club points or coupons or something. 148 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:34,160 We not that now we can't afford it because we've sold parents 149 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:38,640 houses and so we're actually a little bit better financially, 150 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:44,120 but for years we were not very wealthy and Charlotte was a 151 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:49,120 Proverbs 31 wife. When we moved to Liverpool, we 152 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:53,240 bought, we said, let's buy the biggest house we can afford and 153 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:56,880 and let it be like a vicary, just start the church in it. 154 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:01,840 So we we bought this big old rundown house and then we 155 00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:05,200 couldn't really afford it because we had interest only 156 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:10,640 mortgage. And as as I was driving around, 157 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:15,520 I'd always get this temptation. What if this all fails you? 158 00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:18,200 You're starting a church. We had, we had one worship 159 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:21,400 leader came with us. Probably not, not up to your 160 00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:25,160 level, Scott, but yeah, but he. Was a good. 161 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:26,480 Looking dude. Oh, he was good. 162 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:28,720 Oh, yeah, there was that. There was that. 163 00:11:30,480 --> 00:11:33,520 Whoa. So, yeah. 164 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:36,760 So we came with two little children and a worship leader 165 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:41,520 and started this church. And all the time I'd be tempted. 166 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:46,720 And the temptation was what if this all fails? 167 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,240 And I'd. It would always happen when I 168 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:53,600 drove by what was the Ford factory in Liverpool. 169 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:57,280 And I'd sort of say, Lord, what can I do at the Ford factory? 170 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:01,040 You know, because I've got very few skills really. 171 00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:07,160 And I'd worry and I'd get anxious even though I'd lived by 172 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:11,920 faith when I met Charlotte. And so you, you think you, you 173 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,600 kind of got victory on God's the provider. 174 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,440 And I would say I have had amazing victories on God's the 175 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,360 provider. Then other times I've been 176 00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:23,960 worried, worried. And I used to think we got a 22 177 00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:27,240 year mortgage. I used to get this temptation. 178 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,360 You'll never be able to pay it back because all we were doing 179 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:33,840 every month was paying the interest and we weren't saving 180 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,320 any money. But Charlotte was so good 181 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:42,080 financially, she started to rent out the two top bedrooms. 182 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:47,760 And so we often, they were Christians going to Tropical 183 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:51,440 School of Medicine in Liverpool, often going to be missionaries 184 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:54,720 somewhere. And so they came and stayed and 185 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,760 all of them were pretty good except 11 lodger. 186 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:01,320 We couldn't wait for them to leave, but nearly all of them 187 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:04,960 were just brilliant, fit in with our family, fit in with our kids 188 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:08,120 and but that was all Charlotte's genius. 189 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,760 And then she'd use the money from the lodgers and little by 190 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,600 little. We live on a main road and it's 191 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:17,480 it's quite noisy when the ambulances and the police are 192 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,120 flying through our traffic light. 193 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:22,480 And so we wanted to get double glazing. 194 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:25,800 It was an old house rundown. Little by little we double 195 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:29,560 glazed one room, decorated one room, then the second room, then 196 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:33,080 the third room and now the whole house is pretty good. 197 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:37,920 And but that's thanks to a Proverbs 31 wife. 198 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:42,360 But I'm not always a man of faith and I've had times where I 199 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:48,360 really felt really worried and I worried so much about this 200 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:56,760 interest only mortgage. And and then we sold Charlotte's 201 00:13:56,760 --> 00:14:01,400 parents house and we were able to pay our mortgage off. 202 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:05,000 And the devil had kind of lied to me all along. 203 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,640 You'll never be able to pay this back. 204 00:14:06,640 --> 00:14:08,840 And you don't think, oh, that's the devil. 205 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:13,640 You think this is you just thinking because he speaks in 206 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,120 your thoughts, in your voice. So you think, Oh yeah, I'll 207 00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:19,800 never be able to pay this off. How can we ever pay this off? 208 00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:24,960 Maybe when the 22 years are up, we'll have to sell the house and 209 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,640 downsize. Maybe that's the way we. 210 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:30,040 So I kind of thought all lack of faith type things. 211 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,560 And then Charlotte's one of three children. 212 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:38,480 So we got a third of the house in Didsbury and we were able to 213 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:42,040 pay our mortgage off and but Northern Rock wouldn't let us 214 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,840 pay it off early. They were going to fine us, so 215 00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:48,200 Charlotte's like, we're not gonna pay a fine for paying it 216 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:49,680 off early. So we we. 217 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,960 It was 1 LB. We said we wanted to pay off our 218 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,240 remaining mortgage. Is that right? 219 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,680 Yeah, I think we left 1 LB. In yeah, that's it. 220 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:00,600 And they said, well, you can't, you know, you're, you're 221 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:05,680 breaking terms and conditions. So they said you can leave 1 LB 222 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:08,880 in it so that you technically still have the mortgage. 223 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:12,320 Or you can pay a fine and we refuse to pay a time. £250 I 224 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:15,640 thought I'm not paying £250, I'd rather leave a pound in there, 225 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:19,160 so I did and then about a year later we got a letter from them 226 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,480 which basically said oh this is stupid, there's a waste of space 227 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:25,040 here as you pound back off you. Go, they said it's costing us 228 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:27,280 more in admin. We'll let you off the last part. 229 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:32,360 So but the devil lies and your marriage suffers because I was 230 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:35,440 worrying and worrying about how are we going to pay for this 231 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:39,320 house? And but God's the provider. 232 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:45,960 So somehow, but the the amazing thing for us is that we're like 233 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,880 that on money. We like saving, we like giving, 234 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:55,240 we like being frugal. We like we, we don't really live 235 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:58,200 a lush life. We don't think like that, but we 236 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:01,840 can afford to know. We would rather park outside 237 00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:07,520 town and walk in 10 minutes to save paying £1.40 car parking 238 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,760 fee. Yeah, so we're quite cheap like 239 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:14,400 that, but but we the good thing is we actually think the same. 240 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,400 Yeah, we're both cheap and classy. 241 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:21,440 Obviously it's like it's a hard thing to pull off, but yeah, 242 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:26,920 obviously you can do it. So that that's where we've been 243 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:32,240 amazing. I don't know how how to get into 244 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:37,040 any of our accounts. She's got all the passwords. 245 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:41,000 I don't care. She's brilliant with finances. 246 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:47,280 I we have a joint banking account and Charlotte has been 247 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:50,840 saying more recently, if I die, you're not going to know how to 248 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:54,560 get into this or this. Here's the here's a list of all 249 00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,560 my passwords. And I don't know what I've done 250 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:05,599 with that list. So it is so good when you do 251 00:17:05,599 --> 00:17:08,839 meet and can flow together really easily. 252 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,760 Charlotte likes looking after the money. 253 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:13,240 I like Charlotte looking after the money. 254 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:15,160 And does that make me less manly? 255 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:18,319 I don't think so. I don't think it does. 256 00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:23,680 I think we're meant to find ways to make it work for our family. 257 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,200 Not you're the man. You should. 258 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,880 We do have other arguments about barbecuing, because I don't like 259 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:31,600 barbecuing. She's like, yeah, we've. 260 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,000 Got some very strange role reversals in our house. 261 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:38,600 I do the barbecuing, he does the ironing. 262 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:40,960 Well, not while you're barbecued. 263 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:44,400 I actually get everyone drinks and make I'm I'm much more 264 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:46,840 social on that occasion. Role reversals. 265 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:52,200 But but you have to, as a man, say, I'm not going to allow you 266 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,160 to say I'm not manly because I don't do the BBQ. 267 00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,280 It is manly to be very hospitable as well. 268 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:03,600 And you, but you have to learn to get comfortable with it. 269 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:08,680 And we're very comfortable the way we run our finances or I 270 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:13,280 shouldn't say we, she runs our finances, but it's brilliant for 271 00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:16,320 us. And so that's an area where we 272 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:19,960 really do meet and it's just been easy. 273 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:24,240 Maybe probably the Lord will have to take me first because I 274 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:27,440 wouldn't know what to do with the various things. 275 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,160 Second one, money, sex and power. 276 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,200 How are you handling your finances? 277 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,680 He's the provider. Keep coming to him, keep 278 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,520 trusting him, keep rejecting temptations. 279 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:42,200 I wish someone had told me that's just a temptation. 280 00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:46,200 I worried for so much time about things. 281 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:50,400 And then he's the lie was you'll never pay it back and we pay it 282 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,160 back early. Such a lie. 283 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:57,200 God's an amazing provider. If he tells you to go to 284 00:18:57,360 --> 00:19:01,280 Liverpool, which he did for us, he'll provide If you do what he 285 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:04,440 tells you to do. The next one sex. 286 00:19:05,160 --> 00:19:09,680 We've Charlotte's not going to talk on this one. 287 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:15,040 She is That's that's a joke. So we're OK. 288 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:20,200 We've had amazing times when we were first married and now we 289 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:27,320 disagree mainly about frequency, which I'm sure you can guess so, 290 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:35,240 but we really don't quite meet. So this is what every husband 291 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,720 wants to hear. I've said things like we, we 292 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,200 can't say it. Just be careful what you say. 293 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:46,400 I'm not being careful. I didn't sign up for careful in 294 00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:51,480 in my defence, I was left unsupervised and my Tourette's 295 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,000 medication is wearing off right now. 296 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:59,240 So we aren't allowed to say, can we have sex? 297 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:04,240 We say or I say, come on, come on, stop. 298 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:07,240 I know where you're going with. So I say, I say, can I run us an 299 00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:10,280 early bath? That's that's a euphemism. 300 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,600 Euphemism. And this is what you don't want 301 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:19,280 to hear as a husband. Do we have to do we? 302 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:24,320 You know, you don't have to you get to so frequency for us. 303 00:20:24,320 --> 00:20:28,240 We we just don't get it. We're not terrible. 304 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,520 So why not say I don't get it, but I do get it. 305 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:35,040 But we don't quite I don't get it as much as I want. 306 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,440 You probably have to do it more than you want. 307 00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,720 What would you say? What wisdom have we found? 308 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,400 And this was. When you come into a marriage, 309 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:47,920 you have different sets of expectations. 310 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:51,760 In most areas, you expect that to be done that way. 311 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,280 Even something like table manners or how you clear up the 312 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,600 dishes, whatever, whatever. And you have sets of 313 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:02,000 expectations. Some of them are based on a 314 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:07,000 culture, Some of them are based on habit and history. 315 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:10,120 Some of them are based on the fact that one of you is male, 316 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:17,400 one of you is female. And we have found that we have a 317 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:22,960 different level of expectation and particularly now we're that 318 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:27,040 little bit older. So we do find this a point that 319 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:31,280 we disagree on quite a lot, to be honest. 320 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:37,920 But there's a sense in which, again, you have to meet part way 321 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:43,400 and both of you, both of you have to make a sacrifice. 322 00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:48,240 So it may be that you have to make a sacrifice to say, well, 323 00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:54,160 this isn't something I really particularly feel like I've got 324 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:58,600 energy for strength for, you know, tonight, whatever. 325 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:01,240 But I know that it means a lot to him. 326 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,360 And vice versa. You know, Graham might think, 327 00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:09,320 well, this is something that I really would would enjoy, but I 328 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,200 can see that the moment isn't a good time for Charlotte. 329 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:17,480 So there needs to be a sort of part way meeting for us. 330 00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:22,080 It still is a a tricky one for us to navigate. 331 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:26,360 And you know, we wanted to be quite honest and upfront about 332 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:27,720 that. We didn't want to sit here and 333 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,080 say, yeah, we've got it all sorted. 334 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:36,360 It, it, it's, yeah, a tricky one for us, but at the end of the 335 00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:43,800 day, we get our main identity and satisfaction from knowing 336 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:48,000 who we are in God. And yes, sex is God-given and 337 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,440 sex is really enjoyable and all the rest of it. 338 00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:58,520 But actually, if we place too much emphasis on it, then it 339 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:01,480 almost starts to become an idol in our lives. 340 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:05,080 And, and, you know, we could talk for hours and hours about 341 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:10,280 how sex is basically idolised in today's society. 342 00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:13,640 You only have to turn on TV or listen to the radio or see 343 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:17,400 adverts, whatever. And sex has become the be all 344 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:20,560 and end all of everything. Yeah. 345 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:26,000 So we're with my sister who's not a Christian, and I'm, I'm 346 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,240 meeting her. Probably going to be her 347 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:32,560 son-in-law. And so Tina is married to Adam 348 00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:40,440 and Adam, it's just a fun guy. And he's introducing his 349 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:44,400 daughter's boyfriend to me and he goes, this is Graham. 350 00:23:44,560 --> 00:23:48,960 They don't believe in sex before marriage, which obviously was a 351 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,080 big deal to them. It was 35 years ago that we 352 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:55,240 were. We were great, actually, and not 353 00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:58,960 having sex until our honeymoon, which was. 354 00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,480 So we've done really well in some areas. 355 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:04,240 I said, yeah, but we believe in sex after marriage. 356 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:09,760 Sex is really important. We've actually been with couples 357 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:16,640 who haven't had sex for years and then you find one of them 358 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:20,080 has gone and had an affair, but you only find out that they 359 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:24,000 haven't had sex for years because one of them obviously 360 00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:30,000 went somewhere else. And you think, wow, sex is 361 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,760 important. You've, you've got to find a way 362 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:37,080 of maybe not always exactly meeting the exactly where you 363 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:39,040 want to meet because you're not the same. 364 00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:45,120 Our first two years of marriage was super, super easy on sex. 365 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,320 I think after it, probably it was our third year when our 366 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,960 daughter came along. I think our sex life changed a 367 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:55,720 little bit then, but I think as we've got older, I think my sex 368 00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:59,440 life has stayed the same and Charlotte's has gone down a bit, 369 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:04,360 which which I think would be true of most women as they get 370 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:06,920 older. I don't know how how the men 371 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,040 are. We could have a vote, but we 372 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:10,200 won't. We won't. 373 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:15,840 So I have to be a loving husband and think I'm not going to ask 374 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:19,680 her too often, but I'm not going to go to the other extreme. 375 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:23,800 So I won't ask her at all. If I was really like Jesus, he 376 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:25,720 never had sex, I'd never ask her for sex. 377 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:29,400 I don't think it's good for our marriage for us never to have 378 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,320 sex. So I get it less than I want. 379 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:36,480 She has to get involved and does very well more than she wants. 380 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:41,240 So. You couldn't make it up, could 381 00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:43,280 you? This is true. 382 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:49,680 So we don't quite meet on the the sex thing, but we're doing 383 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:53,080 OK in that area. I wanna move on to the power 384 00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,680 one. I think we're awful. 385 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:57,520 We'll disagree on this one, by the way. 386 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:03,120 I think we're awful on the power area because we both like to 387 00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:05,640 lead. We both like to be in charge. 388 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:08,960 We're both happiest when we're the one talking and everyone's 389 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:12,720 following us. That usually works better for 390 00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:15,000 girls like Peppa Pig, for example. 391 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:22,120 But but I like being in charge. And for me, I have to know 392 00:26:23,320 --> 00:26:25,080 everything we do who's in charge? 393 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,640 We don't. What do you say if I say who's 394 00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:30,280 in charge? If we're doing a DIY task at 395 00:26:30,320 --> 00:26:33,200 home or something like that, he says, right, which one of us is 396 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:35,080 leading this? Which one of us is in charge? 397 00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:37,520 And I say we don't have to do that. 398 00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:42,720 We can just work together as a team and flow together, Yeah. 399 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:48,440 For me I that doesn't work. I want to know am I taking the 400 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,240 lead here? If I know that I'm happy. 401 00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:55,080 If I know you're taking the lead on the finances, I'm happy. 402 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:58,000 But I need to she goes, that's military. 403 00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:02,520 We're not in the Army, but I think if we were in the Army it 404 00:27:02,520 --> 00:27:05,760 would be easier for me because she would say yes, Sir. 405 00:27:07,240 --> 00:27:13,600 But she doesn't she doesn't she? Well, I do say to her on the 406 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:20,440 money side and many other side. So what would you say is advice 407 00:27:20,440 --> 00:27:24,880 as to how we do very well when we divide and conquer, When we 408 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:26,320 say well you do this, you do this. 409 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,400 Yeah. There are some areas as we've 410 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:33,160 mentioned already where he's responsible for that. 411 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:36,720 I'm responsible for this and it works really well and and you 412 00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:39,040 know, we basically flow really well on it. 413 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:43,720 But I think the time when we come unstuck mostly is when 414 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:47,880 we've got a new area and therefore we don't really know 415 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:50,280 but both of. Us don't who's in charge, Yeah. 416 00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:55,720 Now, I don't think we have to have somebody in charge, but 417 00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,720 again, it's a different set of expectations. 418 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:03,000 And I think it's actually come down from our our families 419 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:07,080 because Graham very much had a father who was a very practical 420 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:11,800 hands on working guy and he would have a team of people 421 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:15,360 under him who he would say, right, your job's this, your 422 00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:17,680 job. So Graham's inherited that 423 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:21,560 mindset, if you like. Whereas for me, I came from a 424 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:26,440 background that was much more, yeah, well, let's let's work 425 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:29,760 together as a team and let's see how we work through this. 426 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:36,160 There again, there isn't an easy answer, but part of being able 427 00:28:36,160 --> 00:28:39,280 to navigate these things is being aware of it. 428 00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:44,680 Even if you can't find an easy answer, if you know that you 429 00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:48,840 struggle with something in the power sense, if you know that 430 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:52,680 your spouse struggles one way or the other in the power sense, 431 00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:57,720 then it can help you be a little bit more forgiving and a little 432 00:28:57,720 --> 00:29:00,640 bit more sacrificial. Because when Graham, you know, 433 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:03,120 when we're doing something like Graham's up a ladder, clearing 434 00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:05,680 out an overgrown gutter or something, I mean, I wouldn't go 435 00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:07,080 up that ladder if you paid me. I. 436 00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:11,760 Would pay. You and he gets super stressed. 437 00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:14,120 So he's very sharp the way he speaks. 438 00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:16,880 And if I do something very slightly wrong or stand 439 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:21,600 fractionally in the right place, boy do I hear about it. 440 00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:26,320 But I have to realise that actually when he's up there 441 00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:30,800 doing something he's not really very comfortable doing, he's 442 00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:33,680 going to be a bit on edge. He's going to be a little bit 443 00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,280 more and I have to be a bit more forgiving and a bit more 444 00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:39,200 gracious. And then so long as when he 445 00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:41,880 comes back down, he starts speaking normally and pleasantly 446 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:45,400 again, that's OK. And he might say, oh, sorry, I 447 00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,560 got a bit stumpy up there, but I don't like it when I'm, you 448 00:29:47,560 --> 00:29:50,800 know, fine. We've got a three Storey house 449 00:29:50,880 --> 00:29:54,760 and I don't like heights, although as a kid I'd climb any 450 00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:57,000 tree but I don't like heights now. 451 00:29:57,280 --> 00:29:59,840 No, I will tell you one, one funny story that happened. 452 00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:04,080 I don't know if any of you remember there was a a gun. 453 00:30:04,120 --> 00:30:06,880 Was it in Rod Hull or Roy HUD? I can never remember one of 454 00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:08,160 them. The one with Emu? 455 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:12,840 Yeah, the one with Emu. Anyway, he died apparently 456 00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:19,200 falling off a roof of his house. Anyway, so about 10-15 years ago 457 00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:23,600 we needed something doing our TV aerial adjusting because it had 458 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:28,320 fallen down in the wind and we both agreed that Graham would 459 00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:32,000 give it a go because we both didn't want to fork out £70 if 460 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:34,880 we didn't have to for a professional to come and do it. 461 00:30:35,240 --> 00:30:37,800 So we think, yeah, Graham can go out on the roof. 462 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:39,600 But it wasn't that straightforward because we're a 463 00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:43,320 three Storey house and it's a dormer window sticking out of 464 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:47,000 the actual sloping roof. So Graham had to actually go out 465 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:50,560 of the window, hang above the patio, get onto the little flat 466 00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:54,600 roof, and then he was OK, you know, going up and sorting it 467 00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:55,680 out. But we thought, no, we'll be 468 00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:56,400 safe. We'll be safe. 469 00:30:56,400 --> 00:31:01,120 So we tied a rope around his. Neck. 470 00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:03,680 My neck. Why? 471 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:07,560 We tied a rope around his belt. He had, you know, jeans on and A 472 00:31:07,560 --> 00:31:10,800 and a big chunky leather belt. And we tied a rope very, very 473 00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:13,120 firmly with lots of knots around this belt. 474 00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:15,640 And it held really well. And this was just a safety thing 475 00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:18,560 in case anything happened along. Yeah. 476 00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:23,800 So we going up was fine, fixed the arrow fine coming down. 477 00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,720 Coming down, he got onto the flat roof bit so I could hear 478 00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:29,560 him, but I couldn't see him and I could hear him saying I don't 479 00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:33,280 think I can make this psychological next move down. 480 00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:37,120 Even though it was relatively simple move, it was a 481 00:31:37,120 --> 00:31:38,320 terrifying. Move. 482 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:43,360 All you could see was the brick patio and I've got two young 483 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:44,480 children. I'm thinking. 484 00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:48,000 So I said you've got to call the fire brigade, I think. 485 00:31:48,720 --> 00:31:51,840 I think I'm stuck. And the trouble was, this was at 486 00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:55,560 5:00 to 3:00, and the kids were coming out of primary school at 487 00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:57,680 3:10. And so I said, look, Graham, I'm 488 00:31:57,720 --> 00:32:00,040 going to just have to tie. Oh, sorry. 489 00:32:00,280 --> 00:32:03,040 The other, sorry. The other end of the rope, by 490 00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:08,240 the way, was tied round me. And round a window and. 491 00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:10,880 Yeah, so I said, look, I'm just going to have to tie this rope 492 00:32:10,880 --> 00:32:14,240 around the leg of the bed or something so that at least if 493 00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:17,520 you do fall, you're. You know, dangling. 494 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:21,720 Dangling and I'm going to have to You haven't get the kids from 495 00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:24,840 school anyway. I think what happened in the end 496 00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:26,960 was you did and you were very, very brave. 497 00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,240 I wouldn't have done it. He did actually manage to get 498 00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:33,160 over and he came in and he was shaking like a leaf and that was 499 00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:34,960 fine. I went and got the kids from 500 00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:38,920 school no problem. Next morning, Graham got up and 501 00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:40,840 put on the same jeans and the same belt. 502 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:43,880 And this is not an exaggeration. This is 100% true. 503 00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:48,600 The belt had sort of very It was like a big thick cowboy belt in 504 00:32:48,680 --> 00:32:51,880 different sections, and one of the sections, as he put it on 505 00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:57,160 the leather literally just came into two pieces in his hands. 506 00:32:57,200 --> 00:32:59,360 So if I had fallen, I would have gone. 507 00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:00,560 It wouldn't have stopped me at all. 508 00:33:00,880 --> 00:33:02,640 Yeah. So we've always thought after 509 00:33:02,640 --> 00:33:06,840 that we will pay for someone. We respect roofers a lot more, 510 00:33:07,120 --> 00:33:13,960 but the whole thing for us is we float better if we know 511 00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:17,400 actually, Charlotte does the cooking, I do the cleaning or 512 00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:21,960 I'll I'll do the drinks. When everyone arrives, you chat 513 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:25,400 to them or vice versa. We, we don't, I don't think some 514 00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:28,880 jobs are women's jobs. So I will do sewing, ironing. 515 00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:32,400 I think all jobs are for our family. 516 00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:36,680 And yeah, so the roof's my job, apparently. 517 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:41,960 But no, not anymore. I did take out extra insurance 518 00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:42,960 the day before. No, I didn't. 519 00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:51,760 You didn't tell me that so I think we still 35 years in 520 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:56,880 struggle for me. I want to hear you lead this. 521 00:33:57,120 --> 00:34:00,400 I'll help or I'll lead this. You help. 522 00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:05,680 That's what I I find that helps me, but Charlotte still doesn't 523 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:10,280 like that language because let's just flow together and fall off 524 00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:15,199 a roof together. Yeah. 525 00:34:15,199 --> 00:34:20,120 So we haven't, we haven't got all the answers, but God has. 526 00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:24,360 So you've got to somehow say, Lord, we're still struggling in 527 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:26,120 this area. You've got to help us. 528 00:34:26,760 --> 00:34:33,159 And, and it changes through your marriage and, and it's amazing 529 00:34:33,159 --> 00:34:37,400 as you look back and think, wow, look, look at all the things 530 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:41,840 that we've done together and the fun we've had together and the 531 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:44,719 arguments we've had. That's OK. 532 00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:48,600 We, we've forgiven by God and his forgiveness is flowing 533 00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:51,920 through us. So we're actually, if you have 534 00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:56,480 ever do the marriage, alpha marriage, course, we're both 535 00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:59,720 rhinos. So we don't, They say you're 536 00:34:59,720 --> 00:35:02,600 either a rhino, rhinoceros, or a hedgehog. 537 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:07,840 If there's conflict, you'll leave the curl up in a ball or 538 00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:11,960 you'll charge. We both charge ku boom, ku boom, 539 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:16,960 ku boom. But it's OK that we know that we 540 00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:19,360 both charge. We know we can both handle it. 541 00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:25,040 God's given us grace to kind of forgive each other when we 542 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:27,120 charge wrong. Because you shouldn't really 543 00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:30,280 charge as Christians and you shouldn't curl up like a 544 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:33,880 hedgehog if you're a Christian, you should say, actually, I 545 00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:38,880 would like more sex or actually, I think we're doing too much. 546 00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:42,480 I'd like less. You've got to be able to talk 547 00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:45,400 about anything in your marriage because you're a team. 548 00:35:46,640 --> 00:35:52,360 And but the main one in charge isn't either of us is him. 549 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:57,680 He knows exactly what he's doing and we're in his hands. 550 00:35:57,760 --> 00:36:01,760 And so it comes back to that thing right at the beginning, as 551 00:36:01,760 --> 00:36:04,880 long as you are together and then keep looking to him, say, 552 00:36:04,880 --> 00:36:06,400 Lord, you've got to help us here. 553 00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,080 You've got to help us when our grandchildren come. 554 00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:10,040 We're exhausted. What? 555 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:12,000 What can we do? Actually, that's a very good 556 00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:14,360 analogy that that we haven't used yet. 557 00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:20,000 We were taught once, many years ago, that if you have a conflict 558 00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:23,920 or a problem in your marriage, rather than actually sort of 559 00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:27,640 butting heads like that, what you should do is metaphorically 560 00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:32,120 speaking, sit on the same sofa so that you're on the same side. 561 00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:36,400 And rather than the problem being between, you address the 562 00:36:36,720 --> 00:36:40,440 problem, whatever it is over there, so that you're actually 563 00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:45,440 both looking at the problem. But together they say, well, 564 00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:48,120 what is our problem? Well our problem, rather than it 565 00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:50,560 being well you think this, I think this, you think this, I 566 00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:54,400 think this is that right? Let's unite What is our problem? 567 00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:58,440 Our problem is that there right Well, how do we how do we tackle 568 00:36:58,440 --> 00:37:00,240 that? Does that make sense? 569 00:37:00,520 --> 00:37:03,640 I mean you don't physically have to go and sit on a little 2 570 00:37:03,640 --> 00:37:05,840 seater sofa and have a chair there, but it I. 571 00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:07,880 Think we did when we first heard it. 572 00:37:07,880 --> 00:37:11,800 We sat together and wrote Problem Frequency of sex. 573 00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:13,400 Or no, it wouldn't have been that. 574 00:37:13,400 --> 00:37:17,560 Would it be something else? It's a problem and you've got to 575 00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:20,800 find God together and say how are we going to, how are we 576 00:37:20,800 --> 00:37:23,040 going to do this? I'm wondering, I know we haven't 577 00:37:23,040 --> 00:37:25,040 talked about this, but I'm wondering if just for the last 578 00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:31,320 sort of 5 minutes or so, it will be worth us, just us stop 579 00:37:31,320 --> 00:37:34,640 talking and letting people in their individual couples just 580 00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:38,360 find a little corner of the room and go and talk about together 581 00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:39,600 what's affected. Them. 582 00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:40,400 Brilliant. Do you think so? 583 00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:41,920 Is that right? Well, you're in charge, right? 584 00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:45,520 I'm in. Charge it is a rarity. 585 00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:48,720 So yeah, is it? Just for a few minutes. 586 00:37:48,720 --> 00:37:51,880 We'll let Ben wrap it up when he feels it's right. 587 00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:55,120 Move chairs. So get up now. 588 00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:57,640 Move chairs. Go and find this, you know, use 589 00:37:57,640 --> 00:37:59,120 the whole room. It's a massive room. 590 00:37:59,120 --> 00:38:01,840 Use that area out there, these corners, the stage. 591 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:06,520 Go and find yourself a little corner and talk about anything 592 00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:09,080 that you've heard today that you think. 593 00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:13,720 Oh, yeah, whatever. I don't want to be prescriptive.