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Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom
side Chats. 

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We are your hosts, Alyssa and 
Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. 

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Who are done pretending 
everything's perfect. 

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This is where we talk 
boundaries, Co parenting, hard 

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truths, healing, and the stuff 
nobody says out loud. 

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If you're ready for real talk, 
real growth, and a little bit of

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spice, let's. 
Get into it, Hi. 

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And just like that, we're back 
Round 9. 

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Ding Ding, Ding. 
Around 9. 

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I think this is episode 13, 
which is so crazy that we've 

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already I know, I know, I know 
it is. 

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Topics in the stepmom world. 
It's just it's good to be back 

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stepmom friends. 
I feel like our community is 

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really getting like personal. 
Like I feel like I know some 

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people now and the amount of DMS
and then the amount of people 

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moving to the membership, like I
feel like we actually know them.

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So this is all from straight 
from the heart to your y'all. 

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Yes, I know. 
I feel like I have like friends 

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now and stuff, which is really 
cool. 

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Yeah, Alyssa and I are super 
excited today because we are 

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diving into a topic that a lot 
of you guys, you know, requested

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that maybe we look into. 
Today we're going to be talking 

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about stepmommy and teenagers. 
Highly requested Hot topic. 

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Definitely, and from my 
experience talking to other 

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stepmoms and being a stepmom 
myself, I think it is in general

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just one of the hardest stages 
of childhood in general, but 

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then being a stepmom on top of 
it. 

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It sounds crazy for listeners. 
Just so you all remember, I 

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don't have a teenage step kid. 
Becca does. 

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I have a preteen. 
He's 10. 

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He's almost 1211. 
Yeah, he's almost 12. 

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Wishful thinking so, but he is 
definitely going through it. 

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So we're getting there. 
We're seeing like the attitude 

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and the hormone shift already in
him. 

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But yeah, my oldest step kid is 
just 1010, 1/2 ish. 

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Becca, explain your situation 
again with your teenage dynamic 

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to listeners that might not know
or remember. 

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Yeah, definitely. 
So my oldest stepson is almost 

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20 now, Just so crazy. 
He came to live with us when he 

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was 13. 
He turned 13, I think like a 

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couple weeks after he came to 
live with us. 

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So yeah, that was a lot to 
navigate and we're going to talk

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a little bit about it here today
and and see what hopefully some 

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knowledge we can bring you guys 
or some tips and strategies 

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because it's just hard. 
OK, Help stepmoms understand. 

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Let's just get through the nitty
gritty with. 

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Teenage step kids, I know they 
go through puberty, they have 

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hormone shifts. 
It's an attitude issue that 

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sometimes they can't control 
what is developmental, what's 

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actual disrespect go through 
that kind of how do you figure 

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out that boundary? 
And like, how do you, when you 

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see it, how do you respond? 
And how do you figure out how 

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I'm responding to this? 
And what's the fine line on 

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what's allowed and what's not? 
Yeah, no, it definitely. 

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So I think first and foremost we
should talk about how 

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development occurs first. 
So even around the ages 10 to 

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14, research says that that's 
when the separation starts 

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between the child and the 
parent. 

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So this is even a nuclear 
families, but obviously this is 

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always amplified and blended 
families as well. 

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Kids around this age, this is 
when they start to, you know, 

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develop their sense of identity,
they start to push boundaries 

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that they normally would not 
push. 

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And like I just said, this just 
amplifies and stepmotherhood 

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because this person is not their
biological mom and a stepmoms, 

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we start to feel it more because
our bond with our stepchild, 

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it's not biologically secure as 
it would be with our own 

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children. 
So that separation is already 

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starting and it's really hard to
differentiate. 

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Is this disrespectful behavior 
or is this developmental, you 

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know, behavior? 
And there's a lot of different 

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components of this. 
I, I think that as a stepmom of 

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a teenager when he first came to
live with us, and he'll tell you

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this too, is there was a lot of 
eye rolling, short responses. 

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He wanted space, lots of mood 
swings. 

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And for myself, I took this 
super, super personally. 

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I was like, like what? 
I would too. 

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I mean I, I already take 
everything personally and I mean

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the little one is 7. 
Like I I, I'm terrified. 

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That's the only way to put it. 
I am terrified of this happening

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and figuring out how to navigate
it. 

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So continue. 
Yeah, no, it was like, yeah, how

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everyone says it was like 
emotional whiplash every single 

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5 minutes in my house, you know?
And so I had to really like, 

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think about it, like, is this 
normal? 

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Is this not? 
And honestly, all for the first 

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couple years I just cried every 
single day and texted Alyssa. 

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I don't know that was much help 
there. 

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No, no, you were even just like 
venting, you know, side note is 

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like, it's just, I think that 
there's, you know, constructive 

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venting and then there's 
destructive venting, right? 

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Like if you're talking to your 
stepmom friend and you're just 

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venting to kind of get it out 
and release, I think that's 

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good. 
I think it, when it becomes 

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destructive is when we're just 
like harping on the same issue 

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over and over again without 
trying to find some type of 

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solution, which I think that's 
why I wanted to bring that up is

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I definitely did that in this 
situation because being a 

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stepmom of a teenager is not for
the weak, to say the least. 

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So I had to really understand 
what's developmental and what's 

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actual disrespect. 
So a lot of the things that I 

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just touched on, the eye 
rolling, short responses, things

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like that is really just 
developmental. 

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And my mom is a stepmom as well.
And we talked about this and she

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was like, what, even when I was 
parenting your you and your 

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brothers, I didn't like you 
guys. 

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She's like, and you're my 
biological kids. 

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Yeah. 
She said it was so hard. 

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And so I mean, I know and and 
trust me, I get it. 

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I think for stepmoms, it's like 
times 100, just on the 

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difficulty level. 
But that did kind of bring me 

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some, like, validation in her 
saying that because I was like, 

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oh, OK, so you even didn't like 
your own kids. 

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OK. 
Because right now I really don't

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like him. 
Love him but I don't like him. 

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So did you run things by your 
mom since she had teenagers at 

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the same time that were her step
kids and her bio kids? 

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Did she have like that lane that
she'd stay in? 

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That would feel like this is 
disrespect because it's 

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happening across the board from 
all the kids and this is 

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disrespect personal to me as a 
stepmom because it's only coming

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from the step kids. 
Like is there a direct example 

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of like, like I'm just curious, 
what is it going to look like 

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when these kids get older? 
I'm terrified. 

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I'm terrified. 
Yeah, no, definitely I think. 

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Well, so we did not grow up with
my half sister in the same 

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household. 
So and she is much older than 

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us. 
So it was kind of different, you

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know. 
But once she had her own 

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biological, you know, children, 
she said like there were some, 

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you know, similarities and and 
whatnot. 

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But you know, you know, even she
has said and and I have said as 

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well is that it's different when
it's your own kids versus when 

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it's not. 
It's like you just like internal

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their behavior and take it so 
much more personally. 

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And so it just sometimes looks 
like disrespect even though some

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of it could be developmental. 
So I'm not saying that they're 

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not disrespectful because they 
are. 

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And that's what I wanted to go 
into next is actual disrespect 

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is like when a teenager is 
directly insulting you, right? 

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They're undermining your 
authority or they're ignoring 

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clear rules of the house or, you
know, they might be speaking 

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aggressively, like, you know, 
raising their tongue when 

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they're talking to you. 
Those are things that definitely

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are disrespectful. 
And I think in each of your 

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households, you'll be able to 
differentiate what that exactly 

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looks like. 
But when that happens, I think 

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it's super, super important to 
to set clear boundaries and, and

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we can help you do that too, if 
you need assistance with that 

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because we're getting better and
better at doing that in our own 

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personal lives. 
OK, so question back up a little

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bit. 
This attitude started and maybe 

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the shift in like the hormones, 
but at what point was that? 

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Because like I said, at my 
oldest step kiddo is 10 1/2 and 

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I I add the half because it's so
huge because this is when I 

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started noticing the shift. 
It wasn't at 10. 

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They say it's between 10:00 and 
12:00 or something. 10 to 14 I 

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guess for all but boys. 
I guess it's 11:50 and I'm 

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really noticing it in the 10 
year mark. 

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Does was that the same for you? 
Do you know? 

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Well, you didn't see him I guess
when he was 10, but does it each

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year get heavier and different? 
And when does it slow down? 

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Like what is that? 
If you were to make a graph, 

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what would you think that the 
attitude scale looks like? 

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I think it definitely depends on
the child themselves though too,

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and their own, you know, 
personality traits and you know,

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affect as a whole, because I do 
have a stepson the same age as 

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Alyssa is right now. 
And he is honestly, you know, he

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gives attitude sometimes. 
Don't get me wrong, everyone, 

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but like I even tell him like he
is the best kid, like he is so 

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respectful and so good. 
I, I'm always like my son is 

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going to be the troublemaker and
he's so good. 

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So like him and my oldest are so
different that I don't even I 

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can't even really put into words
how different they are. 

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But for my oldest teenage son or
stepson, it was probably after, 

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I would say the first month of 
him living with us, like 13, is 

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when I noticed that shift. 
Yeah. 

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And the attitude, at first, it 
just looked like, you know, kind

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of giving me the short answers 
or, you know, being rude or, you

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know, whatever. 
And, and mostly that is 

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developmental. 
And but for me, it was really 

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hard for me as a stepmom to set 
boundaries because I was like, 

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like, is this developmental or 
is this disrespect? 

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Do I put a boundary here or do I
just ignore this because this is

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developmental? 
So that part was hard for me. 

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And I would imagine that this 
would be hard for normal parents

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in general or their own 
biological children. 

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It's just heightened. 
Yeah. 

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I imagine we mentioned 
boundaries. 

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So what what behavior required 
that boundary where you put your

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foot down or your husband said, 
like this is not going to be 

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acceptable and how do you figure
that out? 

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Again, I know it's about 
differentiating, but like, tell 

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us how do we do it? 
So I guess a small example that 

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my husband and I had to navigate
was who would take on the 

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discipline? 
I think when it's a teenager 

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who's a stepchild and is 
entering A blended family 

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dynamic with a stepmom involved,
it's super important to make 

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sure you have that conversation 
with your husband, who is going 

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to be the disciplinary, who is 
going to enforce these rules in 

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the household. 
And are you aligned on 

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discipline? 
That's a big one. 

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I know so many of the stepmoms 
just have issues in their 

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marriage. 
We have that special room in our

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membership that's just to vent 
about your relationship and your

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marriage in the hard times. 
And there's so many complexities

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that come with being married to 
someone with kids and then that 

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level of like having to 
discipline, how much you 

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discipline, who does the 
disciplining, when do we 

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discipline, when do we not? 
And how do we explain 

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disciplining when maybe they're 
not disciplined at mom's house? 

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That just takes on a whole new 
level of stress and pressure on 

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the relationship. 
But yeah, if your spouse or your

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significant other doesn't agree 
with discipline or doesn't agree

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with you, what is a stepmom to 
do? 

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How do like, we get it, this is 
your kid. 

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You feel bad for them. 
I don't even know how to do that

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because our kiddos are little 
and they need discipline. 

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But sometimes, you know, he does
feel like very torn. 

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But I think it's so important 
that they get discipline in 

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these adolescent, like teenage 
years and preteen years because 

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they're learning and everything 
that you tell them, they're 

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soaking in like a sponge and 
they're making big decisions on 

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what they're going to be like 
later on. 

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00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:58,640
Yeah, no, I think, I think 
what's really hard for stepmoms 

226
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:03,840
and myself to accept is that the
parenting might look different 

227
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,840
under the same household. 
And I think this is even true 

228
00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:11,040
and nuclear families once again,
is there's different rules for 

229
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,680
different kids, right? 
But it doesn't mean that 

230
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:16,640
disrespect is ever tolerated or 
allowed. 

231
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:21,120
So for myself, you know, my 
husband and I did not always 

232
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:25,640
agree on the same things or 
parent my stepson the same way. 

233
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:29,040
However, when it came to like, 
you know, being grounded or 

234
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,920
disciplining things like that, I
really put that back on my 

235
00:13:31,920 --> 00:13:35,480
husband because 1, I don't have 
any biological children yet. 

236
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:39,400
So I was like, what am I doing? 
Like, am I supposed to freak out

237
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,400
or am I supposed to be upset 
about this? 

238
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:43,880
Am I supposed to discipline for 
this? 

239
00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:47,520
And so I really relied on him a 
lot and he was, you know, 

240
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,280
navigating this as well. 
But it really helped to have 

241
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:54,920
those conversations in private 
and not let that, I don't know, 

242
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:59,600
disagreement or tension, I guess
not really even tension, just 

243
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:04,200
underlying current seep into the
households because kids are 

244
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:07,640
smart, right? 
And teenagers by nature are 

245
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,960
manipulative. 
So put that with a stepchild who

246
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,600
has both sides and their bio mom
might be telling them all these 

247
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:18,120
negative things about their dad 
or their stepmom. 

248
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,920
You know, it's just, you know, 
multiplied. 

249
00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:25,640
Yeah, I cannot imagine if 
manipulation is a teenage thing,

250
00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:28,200
what are we to do as stepmoms? 
Because what I hear the 

251
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:32,080
consensus is that a lot of the 
kids are even little, They're 

252
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:36,160
manipulating both households 
kind of to play one house and 

253
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:37,720
pin one house against the other 
one. 

254
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:41,240
And whether they learn it from 
the other house or they learn it

255
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:45,680
just from school and it's like a
mechanism for survival. 

256
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:49,160
It really sucks. 
Escalate for teenagers. 

257
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:52,880
I don't I don't know if anyone's
getting married to someone that 

258
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,400
has a teenager. 
I'm just kidding. 

259
00:14:56,160 --> 00:15:01,720
So tell me this, if you how 
would you handle a situation 

260
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:06,480
where if the kiddo, if the 
teenager is saying or asking you

261
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:11,280
something and you as a stepmom, 
you decide to take it into a 

262
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,840
little bit of a level of 
discipline and say like, you're 

263
00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,880
not going to do that. 
You're not going to like this is

264
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,160
not OK. 
You're going to learn a lesson 

265
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,120
from this. 
And if they give you attitude or

266
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:26,000
say they then you know, even 
worse, they like flip you off or

267
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,840
they say like F you what? 
What do you do? 

268
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:32,120
Do you go get dad? 
Do you just say it like as of 

269
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:35,120
right now, when the my little 
kids give me attitude, sometimes

270
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:38,120
I just walk away and I let my 
husband take over because I 

271
00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:40,160
don't feel comfortable doing 
that. 

272
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,240
I just, I don't want them to 
hate me. 

273
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,440
Isn't that terrible? 
But like, what do you do as a 

274
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,200
teenager then? 
Because those things are more 

275
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:48,760
severe and you have to stop 
them, right? 

276
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:54,040
You do you do, but I found even 
like with my 3 1/2 year old, 

277
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,160
sometimes he listens better to 
my husband. 

278
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:58,560
I hate to say that out loud and 
on the record, but I'm sorry. 

279
00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,320
It's just true. 
And so my husband met, yes. 

280
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,800
And so sometimes even now I'm 
like, can you like I need to tap

281
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:09,840
out, you know, But I think with 
this situation with a chop style

282
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:14,680
child who's in their teenage 
years is that if anything is 

283
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:18,400
like super, I don't know, 
intense or, you know, something 

284
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,920
that's going to have like a real
consequence, such as getting 

285
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,480
grounded or getting the car 
taken away. 

286
00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:24,400
That should always be delivered 
by dad. 

287
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:28,160
Always, always, always. 
It's, you know, for me at least,

288
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,880
it's just not like you said, I 
didn't feel comfortable doing 

289
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:34,680
that. 
I feel that, you know, kids act 

290
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:38,680
differently depending on who is 
disciplining them and who is 

291
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,000
talking to them. 
And I've heard from a lot of 

292
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:45,600
stepmoms like, you know, my 
stepdaughter or my stepson, like

293
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,760
they will be super rude to me 
when it's just me and them and 

294
00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:52,080
I'm trying to discipline that. 
But when dad gets home, they act

295
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:53,840
like a completely different 
person. 

296
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:57,480
And you know, I think all of us 
stepmoms have experienced that 

297
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,440
to a certain extent. 
So I think that's why it's 

298
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:03,120
really important just to get 
that boundary right away. 

299
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:06,680
Like, Nope, my husband, when it 
comes to those types of, you 

300
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,440
know, conversations, that's 
going to be him and I'm going to

301
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:12,560
stay out of it. 
But if they are disrespectful or

302
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:16,520
rude to me, you know, I might 
just say OK and walk away. 

303
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:20,319
And that doesn't mean that I'm 
accepting their disrespect or 

304
00:17:20,319 --> 00:17:22,319
behavior. 
It means I need to think about 

305
00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:24,640
this and I do need to consult my
husband. 

306
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:27,599
Now, this doesn't mean step moms
go call your husband when he's 

307
00:17:27,599 --> 00:17:30,600
in the middle of, you know, work
shift and you're like, no, no, 

308
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:32,400
no, no. 
Because trust me, I did that in 

309
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,760
the beginning. 
I was hiding in the closet being

310
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:36,480
like, guess what they did? 
Guess what he did? 

311
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:39,800
Guess what he did? 
And that's not helpful for our 

312
00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:47,640
husbands or marriages either. 
Stepmoms, how are you coping 

313
00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:50,160
with transition day? 
I'll tell you how I am. 

314
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:55,120
I'm lighting my big ass candles 
to calm my big ass anxieties and

315
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:57,640
honestly it changes the whole 
mood of the house. 

316
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:01,280
Same chaos, just calmer vibes 
and way better energy. 

317
00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:05,320
We're obsessed with big ass 
candles from big ass luxuries. 

318
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:09,600
Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. 
If you want to try one, use code

319
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,760
stepmom at checkout for a 
discount. 

320
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:16,200
That's code stepmom. 
Check out big ass candles 

321
00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:19,160
because temom life comes with 
big ass feelings. 

322
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,360
Right, We're playing the long 
game and if we nitpick every 

323
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:31,920
single thing and set mom life, 
we'll be done tomorrow because 

324
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:34,200
there's going to be multiple 
things every day. 

325
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:39,680
So what would you say then? 
If you tell the kid like you 

326
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:43,400
can't do that or you're grounded
or whatever, and they snarl at 

327
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:46,240
youth attitude and say, well, 
you're not my mom. 

328
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,600
And then they walk away like you
cannot enforce it. 

329
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,400
What, are you going to grab him 
by the hoodie and pull him and 

330
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,240
shove him and lock him in his 
room? 

331
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,000
Exactly. 
And it's even, I remember my 

332
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:00,160
husband and I talking about this
too, like it was even hard for 

333
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,760
him to discipline because it's 
like once they're teenagers, 

334
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,080
kids are teenagers, it's like, 
what are you going to do? 

335
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:09,040
Like, like you said, it's like 
you can't, you know, they're not

336
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:12,280
small anymore and they can just 
walk away from you and it's 

337
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,720
whatever. 
So I think with those, you know,

338
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:20,320
that honestly didn't happen very
much for me, like big blowouts 

339
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:24,000
like that at all. 
And I think my husband was good 

340
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,640
at making sure that those things
never occurred. 

341
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,320
However, you know, there were 
sometimes where, you know, I 

342
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,920
said, you know, hey, please, 
let's not talk like this or, you

343
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:37,520
know, something of that nature. 
And I want to also say that I 

344
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:41,200
had to go apologize sometimes. 
And that's really hard for me to

345
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:45,680
admit, to be honest. 
Oh my gosh, between you, me, and

346
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:48,680
like the thousands of followers 
and listeners we have just 

347
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,400
between us, you guys, I do not 
apologize. 

348
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,600
I can't. 
Don't. 

349
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:55,720
I need to humble myself. 
No, I have a hard time 

350
00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,400
apologizing. 
We'll dig into what that means 

351
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,280
later. 
Have a hard time apologizing to 

352
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:04,120
my husband but to my. 
Kids. 

353
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,880
OK, I don't think I really 
apologize to the kids much. 

354
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:11,000
I don't think I really need to. 
I I take a big backseat in my 

355
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,040
house. 
They really respect me because I

356
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:15,280
don't discipline. 
That's why I'm very curious how 

357
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,920
it looks with teenagers. 
But when you were saying like 

358
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,240
dad comes home, they act 
different. 

359
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,920
It's complete opposite for me. 
The dad does come home. 

360
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,360
They act different, but they act
worse. 

361
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:27,640
They're wild, They're loud 
because he doesn't like to 

362
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:31,760
discipline them. 
And I'm very like, if I say, if 

363
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:35,080
you do this, you're not going to
have candy later, I follow 

364
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:37,280
through on it. 
And so they know I mean 

365
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,280
business. 
And it's not like I'm scary or I

366
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,360
threaten them. 
I just, you know, I tell them 

367
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:45,040
what the punishment is going to 
be and I follow through. 

368
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:47,160
So they know. 
I mean, I'm serious. 

369
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:51,880
I just don't know how if dad is 
having a hard time disciplining 

370
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:55,120
the kids now, how is this going 
to work in teenage world? 

371
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:59,600
Because at that point, also 
sidebar, I just thought of 

372
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,760
something. 
This is super awkward if they're

373
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:06,800
going through puberty and like I
have boys at home and I'm not 

374
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:09,720
like they're by a mom. 
Oh this is so uncomfortable. 

375
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,200
I wonder if anyone, any 
listeners had this issue? 

376
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:15,720
Like, do I need to watch how I'm
dressed? 

377
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,240
Like we go to the demo lot, Do I
need to change? 

378
00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:21,080
I'm going to wear. 
Baggy sweatshirts. 

379
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:24,800
No, no, I don't think so, 
especially because you've been 

380
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:27,240
in their lives for so long. 
So I wouldn't worry about 

381
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,000
anything like that. 
But no, it the whole puberty 

382
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,240
thing is a thing. 
And me and my youngest stepson 

383
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:36,440
that lives with us, me and his 
mom have talked about that 

384
00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:39,320
before too. 
So yeah, that's a that's a whole

385
00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:45,000
nother thing. 
Do you feel like that your 10 

386
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:50,160
year old or 10 1/2 year old, 
excuse me, have you seen like 

387
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:56,200
any disrespect or like any of 
these teenager developmental and

388
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,760
disrespectful behaviors? 
And it's getting worse. 

389
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:03,920
So he he is a little more of a 
Moody kid. 

390
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,680
He's like a mature, like an old 
soul. 

391
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:11,080
And so he's, he never was like 
as like the little 1 is so fun 

392
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,760
and crazy and wild and lively. 
And then the older 1 is very in 

393
00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:18,760
his feels very emotional. 
He's like, I feel like there's 

394
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:21,600
no emo kids these days, But if 
we there were still emo, he 

395
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:24,840
would totally be like emo. 
But that means it like he's very

396
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,680
sensitive. 
So he wears his heart on his 

397
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:29,880
sleeve, though. 
So when something's wrong, you 

398
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,680
can see it and everyone in the 
house and everyone in the 

399
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:35,360
neighborhood knows. 
So that has just gotten bigger 

400
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:38,000
and bigger and then like more 
projected. 

401
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,840
And I have to kind of say, look,
it's really going to be OK. 

402
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,160
Like, let's rationalize this a 
little bit. 

403
00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:46,480
And I think because he's not 
full blown teenager yet, I can 

404
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:49,520
rationalize these things with 
him, but that's not going to 

405
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:55,360
last very long. 
And I wanted to know how are we 

406
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:59,440
responding to any of these 
instances without escalating? 

407
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,960
Like what escalates like 
correcting them in public and 

408
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:07,200
then making them feel smaller or
like being reacting out of 

409
00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:10,880
emotion instead of, you know, 
thought process and analytically

410
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:14,440
responding or like dealing with 
the power struggles, you know, 

411
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,400
of the whole thing? 
Again, you're not my mom. 

412
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,320
Well, I still a mother figure in
line. 

413
00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:21,400
Like hounding that into them is 
so awful. 

414
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,520
But I definitely get caught 
doing that too. 

415
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,160
Like you can't do that or you 
can't say that to me. 

416
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:28,960
You're not my mom. 
I'm like, well, actually I can 

417
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,480
because this is my house and you
live here too. 

418
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,160
That's it's so such an ick 
conversation. 

419
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,960
But so how do you feel like 
y'all handle that? 

420
00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:40,520
Yeah, no. 
And I think, yeah, it is such a 

421
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:43,480
conversation because it makes 
you feel, I don't know for you, 

422
00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:46,200
but for me, like when I first 
started hearing like, little 

423
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,920
comments like that in the 
beginning of Venus, I was like, 

424
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:50,760
oh, my gosh, you're hurting my 
feelings. 

425
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:53,080
Like, I really did. 
Like, I was angry. 

426
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:57,200
I was so angry they said that. 
But now, like, deeper into my 

427
00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,920
stepmom journey, I realized, 
like that anger came from more 

428
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:03,800
of a place of like, hurt. 
Like I was like, oh, I know I'm 

429
00:24:03,800 --> 00:24:07,480
not your mom, but I'm doing 
everything that a mom should do 

430
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:10,520
for you. 
And you know, you're not 

431
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:13,520
treating me very nicely, and it 
hurts so bad. 

432
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,280
So I was like, Oh my gosh, I 
want to yell at them or 

433
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,600
whatever. 
And sometimes I did, especially 

434
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:20,600
in the beginning because I 
didn't know how to handle it. 

435
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:23,360
I don't have any kids of my own.
I'd never been in this 

436
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,480
situation. 
No one gives us a little rule 

437
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:27,960
book when we become a stepmom. 
We're like, oh, this is how you 

438
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:30,880
handle it when they say this 
Like, no, no one is. 

439
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:33,400
Right. 
But I do think, you know, we're 

440
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:37,800
writing out these guides in our 
membership and I made a guide 

441
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:41,200
for triggers. 
But maybe, Becca, if you want to

442
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:45,200
make a guide for stepmoms of 
teenagers that like step by 

443
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:48,920
step, because I know you said 
you had told me a few things 

444
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:53,280
that y'all do that helps those 
moments and to deescalate it. 

445
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:55,160
So we could throw that in the 
guide too. 

446
00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:58,080
But if you want to give that out
to listeners right now and go 

447
00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:00,760
over that, like just kind of 
what you and your husband had 

448
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,720
figured out to do, and then just
give us some examples. 

449
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,000
Yeah, definitely. 
So I think first and foremost 

450
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:10,600
what we did is we figured out 
where we align in our parenting 

451
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:13,720
and where we did not align in 
our parenting. 

452
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:16,400
And that looked different for 
both of us. 

453
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:20,240
There are things that I thought 
were important and he did not 

454
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:22,520
and vice versa. 
And that's OK. 

455
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,080
Everyone is different. 
When you marry someone, if 

456
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:27,200
you're marrying yourself, that's
just boring, right? 

457
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,400
So it's. 
I don't know. 

458
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:31,040
We're pretty. 
Fun. 

459
00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:32,080
I know we are. 
Yeah. 

460
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:34,200
You'd marry me? 
No, I'm anyways. 

461
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:35,480
We're gross. 
So. 

462
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,960
So, yeah, I would say that's the
most important place to start is

463
00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:42,720
like, do we align? 
What are the areas that are like

464
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:46,000
deal Breakers for us? 
Like, no, he has to go to bed at

465
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,840
10:00 PM or curfew has to be 
midnight. 

466
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,280
You know, what are the deal 
Breakers between US and what 

467
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,640
does that look like? 
And then where can we compromise

468
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:59,640
so that we both feel heard and 
respected and whatever rule that

469
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:03,280
we're delivering or anything 
like that, as far as like, you 

470
00:26:03,280 --> 00:26:07,640
know, when disrespect might 
happen or anything like that. 

471
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:10,960
And we still use this today. 
Long lectures do not work. 

472
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:15,240
And trust me, I was the queen of
long lectures. 

473
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:20,560
I can I can just imagine you go 
on and on yes this exactly This 

474
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:23,120
is why I wanted you to bring 
this up because I know you 

475
00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:26,120
talked about this before with 
the 10 year old. 

476
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:30,160
He gets this glazed look in his 
eyes when we're lecturing him 

477
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,760
because my sweet husband he can 
go on and on and on and on and 

478
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,080
on and on and on. 
The 10 year old is looking at 

479
00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:38,600
him and I, he's like a space 
cadet. 

480
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:41,800
I'm like, I wonder where he is. 
I want to know so bad. 

481
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:43,760
Where did he go? 
What's he thinking? 

482
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:45,440
He's not listening. 
He's checked out. 

483
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:49,400
I'm, I'm like, did bio mom tell 
him, you know, when daddy's 

484
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:53,680
lecturing you, you think about 
this because he's always off 

485
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:57,440
somewhere far, far away. 
And but it will surprise me 

486
00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,320
because sometimes then my 
husband will be like, now what 

487
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,960
did I say? 
And he can reiterate it and 

488
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:04,360
repeat it back to us, which is 
pretty impressive. 

489
00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:07,480
But yes, I agree with this 
completely, starting at the 

490
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:11,040
beginning when they start that 
puberty and that the attitude 

491
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:15,000
and they they need quick to the 
point things because they're 

492
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:19,240
going to check out, they lose 
interest, they lose respect, 

493
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,320
which maybe they don't have much
respect anyways. 

494
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:26,200
But yeah, I think that's been 
key for us. 

495
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:28,600
Super helpful. 
Well, and I think like short 

496
00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:31,600
calm statements like no, not 
right now. 

497
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,720
And no, I don't, I don't want to
have this conversation with you 

498
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:38,840
right now or I will not talk to 
you when you're speaking to me 

499
00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:40,760
like this. 
We can try to visit this 

500
00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,000
conversation or this the 
situation later. 

501
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:46,040
You know, you don't have to like
what I'm saying, but you do have

502
00:27:46,040 --> 00:27:47,920
to follow it because it is my 
house. 

503
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:51,600
And you know, I, I would also 
say when people when step kids 

504
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:54,560
say like, you're not my mom, 
that's fine. 

505
00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:58,720
But I am an adult who cares for 
you and I'm a parent figure. 

506
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:02,480
And so, you know, respect is 
something that is just going to 

507
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:05,280
be given or, you know, we're 
going to have to have a deeper 

508
00:28:05,280 --> 00:28:07,120
talk. 
It's it's a non negotiable 

509
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:11,200
respect in the house and that's 
really helped a lot. 

510
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,760
And you know, just like I was 
talking about earlier, 

511
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:19,520
consequences through the partner
when needed, I think just really

512
00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:22,320
helps. 
OK, let me see. 

513
00:28:22,440 --> 00:28:26,480
I wanted to know, did anything 
kind of trigger and set off 

514
00:28:26,480 --> 00:28:29,400
attitude, anything that we can 
like prevent? 

515
00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:33,760
Maybe some of them are specific 
for the step kids and everyone 

516
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:36,840
kind of knows their own step 
kiddo, but is there anything we 

517
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:40,640
should just steer clear of? 
Like obviously at least in my 

518
00:28:40,640 --> 00:28:42,640
house, we don't talk about the 
other house. 

519
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,360
It just doesn't exist in our 
land right now because it 

520
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,960
triggers something everyone. 
And where there is no other 

521
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:53,040
house, there is peace. 
I think it depends on the actual

522
00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:55,680
child themselves. 
I have found, you know, I have 

523
00:28:55,680 --> 00:29:00,880
three-step kids and I have found
that sometimes ignoring the 

524
00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:05,840
other house makes it more 
difficult and contentious for 

525
00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:08,400
them. 
It makes them feel more, I don't

526
00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:10,560
know, interesting. 
Yeah. 

527
00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:14,000
More anxious if I just ignore 
that because that's that's half 

528
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:18,240
their life, you know, and so I 
make it a point with the kids 

529
00:29:18,240 --> 00:29:20,960
that want to talk about it. 
I make it a point to talk to 

530
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:24,120
them about their mom's house. 
What did you guys do you know 

531
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:26,800
anything like that or oh, what 
does your mom cook for you? 

532
00:29:26,800 --> 00:29:30,160
Things like that. 
As far as parenting teenagers 

533
00:29:30,160 --> 00:29:35,400
goes, I would say the best thing
to do is to focus on connection 

534
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:39,400
before correction. 
And you know, this is just from 

535
00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:43,240
the lens of a behavior piece as 
well, because I work in the 

536
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:47,360
field with behaviors a lot. 
And you are supposed to try to 

537
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:50,640
connect with someone else before
you're starting to correct them,

538
00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:54,360
right? 
So if someone in our job place 

539
00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:58,040
for Alyssa and I, we just got 
this new job and our boss was 

540
00:29:58,040 --> 00:30:02,360
like, well, you know what? 
You didn't, you didn't do this 

541
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,560
XY and Z. 
You know, you're getting written

542
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:06,320
up. 
Oh, you need to clock in at this

543
00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,480
time. 
But didn't I tell you to be home

544
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:11,120
at this time? 
Or, you know, whatever the 

545
00:30:11,120 --> 00:30:14,280
correction is that our boss is 
giving us, we'd be like, are you

546
00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:16,680
going to even like take 5 
minutes to get to know me? 

547
00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:19,480
Like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, you 
know, like I just met you. 

548
00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:23,080
Well, that's exactly how 
teenagers feel when they meet 

549
00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:25,560
their stepmom. 
And I know it's really hard for 

550
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:27,960
us stepmoms because it's so, so 
hard for me. 

551
00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:30,280
And sometimes I need to practice
what I preach to. 

552
00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:33,400
But put yourself in these step 
kids shoes. 

553
00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:37,400
They're walking into this house.
Some of them they didn't know us

554
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:39,680
since they were little. 
And they're like, there's this 

555
00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:41,840
other woman. 
I don't know how you feel about 

556
00:30:41,840 --> 00:30:43,680
her. 
I can't like her too much 

557
00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:46,080
because then there's that 
loyalty buying to buy and buy a 

558
00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:49,440
mom and now she's telling me 
what to do, but I don't even 

559
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:52,200
know her. 
So I would say the best thing to

560
00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:57,480
do is try to form and develop a 
really good relationship with 

561
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:01,920
that child before you start, you
know, nitpicking, which it has 

562
00:31:01,920 --> 00:31:03,400
to be done. 
There's some things of 

563
00:31:03,400 --> 00:31:06,120
disrespectful behavior that you 
can just not tolerate in your 

564
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:08,360
house. 
So we understand that. 

565
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:11,160
We're just saying that, you 
know, forming that bond that's 

566
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:14,320
really strong of safety and 
connection is super important 

567
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:17,280
because one day when you are 
starting to deliver 

568
00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:20,720
consequences, it'll be a little 
different I think because of 

569
00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:22,520
that. 
Yeah, it goes back to like the 

570
00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:26,200
fact that these kiddos, they've 
known me at least five years now

571
00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:30,080
and they they know that I'm 
serious and I mean business. 

572
00:31:30,080 --> 00:31:33,160
So if I say something, they just
respect that like, yeah, this is

573
00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:36,280
what's going to happen. 
If Alyssa is saying this, then I

574
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:37,600
got it. 
I better follow along if I want 

575
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:42,440
that candy or whatever it is. 
Let's touch real quick on like 

576
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:46,040
what does it look like to 
disengage without or versus 

577
00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:49,440
giving up? 
So taking a backseat or letting 

578
00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:52,640
your spouse do the the 
disciplining or just when a 

579
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:57,120
parent stepmom needs to 
disengage for her own mental 

580
00:31:57,120 --> 00:31:59,400
health and her own mental 
because I think it's most 

581
00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:02,600
important to be like, you know, 
I know we said get on the same 

582
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,720
page as your partner, but what 
if the partner then is like, can

583
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,480
you do it? 
Can you do discipline? 

584
00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:10,400
And you say, sure, that's fine, 
but it's going to become too 

585
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:12,000
much. 
You're going to grow resentful, 

586
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:14,040
you're going to grow tired. 
There's going to be that, you 

587
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:17,480
know, stepmom burnout and that's
going to, you know, push into 

588
00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:19,400
the relationship that you have 
with your step kids. 

589
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:23,760
So what does it like to look 
like to disengage And how do we 

590
00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:28,760
make sure just is mental health 
disengaging and it's not like 

591
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:33,120
stepping out and not caring and,
you know, removing yourself 

592
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:35,760
completely. 
I think disengaging looks a 

593
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:39,440
little different for every 
person and every stepmom. 

594
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:45,480
I know for me, sometimes I would
over function as a stepmom and I

595
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:49,280
would do things that my husband 
or my stepson at the time 

596
00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:51,920
wouldn't even ask me to do. 
And then I would grow resentful 

597
00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:54,200
later. 
And it's like no one even asked 

598
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:57,560
you to do that, Becca, Like you 
caused this whole thing 

599
00:32:57,560 --> 00:33:00,520
yourself. 
And it's not because, you know, 

600
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:03,240
I was trying to make all this 
drama or whatever, what have 

601
00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:04,840
you. 
It's just because I really 

602
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,640
wanted to be a good stepmom. 
You know, this is the first 

603
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:10,440
child I ever had live in my 
house with me and I was just 

604
00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:14,040
trying to do a good job, but it 
was at the expense of myself, 

605
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:16,360
right? 
So, and disengaging. 

606
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:18,520
I think it looks different for 
everyone, but there's some 

607
00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:22,800
things that you don't have to do
if it's going to cause 

608
00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:26,160
resentment for your spouse or 
your step kid because everyone 

609
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:28,240
can feel it in the house when 
you're resentful. 

610
00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:32,320
So the most important thing you 
can do is lay those boundaries, 

611
00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:38,120
give those duties to your 
husband by talking to him and 

612
00:33:38,120 --> 00:33:40,600
that can be a form of 
disengaging. 

613
00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:43,800
You know what, I am not going to
check the grades anymore. 

614
00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:47,400
I am going to leave that to you 
and bio mom from from now on. 

615
00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,560
I'm not going to have a part in 
that and that's OK. 

616
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:53,480
And so I think simple little 
things like that really help and

617
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:56,760
really go a long way. 
I think something that scares me

618
00:33:56,760 --> 00:34:00,440
the most when I'm looking to the
future into that stage of our 

619
00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:03,880
life is like the little 1. 
He struggles a little bit in 

620
00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:07,240
school. 
And so that you know, what's the

621
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:10,080
saying here I go. 
Let's let's think if I can get 

622
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:12,520
this right, like cracking the 
whip. 

623
00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:14,760
That's it. 
I was thinking a ruler, but 

624
00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:17,440
cracking the whip, you know, I'm
just like, here is what we're 

625
00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:20,360
going to do when you get home. 
And this is a strict rule, but 

626
00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:24,080
the guy is in second grade, but 
it has to be a strict rule right

627
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:27,960
now because he has that wild 
mind that can't focus. 

628
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:31,719
And some may call it, you know, 
ADHD or something similar to 

629
00:34:31,719 --> 00:34:33,719
that. 
The rule is you get home from 

630
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:35,760
school, you sit at your desk and
do your homework. 

631
00:34:35,760 --> 00:34:38,600
And when it's done, I don't care
what toys you play with. 

632
00:34:38,760 --> 00:34:42,040
I don't care if you're outside 
with the neighbor kids or if 

633
00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:45,120
you're on your like, Xbox, do 
your homework first. 

634
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:49,880
But then my husband, he also has
that ADHD kind of mindset so he 

635
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:53,400
feels more for the kiddo and 
he's like he needs breaks and 

636
00:34:53,520 --> 00:34:57,160
the one helping with the 
homework is me because he has 

637
00:34:57,360 --> 00:35:00,280
like 2 ADHD kids together. 
Like doing homework. 

638
00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:03,320
I don't think so. 
So I am getting burned out. 

639
00:35:03,320 --> 00:35:06,840
School days in the school year 
is hard. 

640
00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:11,200
So I think going through each 
season we're going to have to. 

641
00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:14,360
And this is for every stepmom. 
You have to sit down and change 

642
00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:18,520
up this the strategy in your 
relationship, like, OK, I can 

643
00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:22,040
carry this burden in this weight
for the school year, but then in

644
00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:25,480
the summer and you're going to 
help with the tutoring because 

645
00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:27,120
he then goes to tutoring in the 
summer. 

646
00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:29,520
So that's your job. 
I'll make sure the homework is 

647
00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:32,360
done on time. 
I'll erase the wrong answers and

648
00:35:32,360 --> 00:35:33,720
put in the right ones. 
No, I'm just kidding. 

649
00:35:33,720 --> 00:35:38,360
Seriously, it's, it's a matter 
of OK, let's let's figure out 

650
00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:41,040
what we can do to survive, how 
much you can take on. 

651
00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:44,600
And it's the same for think 
about stepmoms, your house, who 

652
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:48,960
cleans the house, who does the 
yard, who you know, cooks the 

653
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:52,360
meals. 
You have a system and it works. 

654
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:54,680
Or if it doesn't, you're 
probably working on putting a 

655
00:35:54,680 --> 00:35:56,720
system together between you and 
your spouse. 

656
00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:59,480
So what's this system with your 
step kids? 

657
00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:02,000
And each one is going to need a 
different system because each 

658
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:05,320
step kid is different. 
So like the emotional preteen 

659
00:36:05,320 --> 00:36:09,920
that we have, it's kind of like 
he needs this motherly guidance 

660
00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:14,160
right now and he's leaning into 
the the softness that I offer 

661
00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:17,000
more so than right now. 
And I think that that will 

662
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:19,280
change once he really starts 
going through puberty, he's 

663
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:22,440
gonna probably want to add more.
And so going through each stage 

664
00:36:22,440 --> 00:36:24,680
of life. 
And this is just how we're 

665
00:36:24,800 --> 00:36:27,720
hoping to do it moving forward. 
Of course, when the teenagers 

666
00:36:27,720 --> 00:36:29,800
hit those teenagers, it's gonna 
be hard and it's gonna be 

667
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:31,440
different to navigate it, I'm 
sure. 

668
00:36:32,160 --> 00:36:35,200
Like for instance, I do do the 
laundry. 

669
00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:40,000
At what point though, does the 
teenager say I'm going to clean 

670
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:42,680
my own underwear? 
Or like, do they care? 

671
00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:45,600
Or are they just like, I guess 
boys maybe are so messy 

672
00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:48,320
sometimes and gross that they're
like, just clean my underwear, I

673
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:50,560
don't care, just clean it. 
Or do they just not even want it

674
00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:51,520
clean? 
Like what? 

675
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:53,880
How do some of these things come
up and happen? 

676
00:36:53,880 --> 00:36:55,760
And it's different for every 
kid, I guess. 

677
00:36:55,880 --> 00:37:00,040
But what do we do here? 
My stepson, who moved in when he

678
00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:02,880
was almost 13, he's done his 
laundry from day one. 

679
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:04,920
Day one. 
I don't do that. 

680
00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:07,400
Never will. 
Who taught him to do his 

681
00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:10,000
laundry? 
Because mom is not going to do 

682
00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:11,720
that here. 
I'll have to I guess. 

683
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,560
I did. 
Yeah, me and me and my husband 

684
00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:15,760
did. 
This is where I feel. 

685
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:18,920
Resentment. 
Really, it's not hard. 

686
00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:23,320
You're throwing a tie pod. 
I want them to separate. 

687
00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:25,640
Don't put in too much in one 
smoke a break, my washing 

688
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:27,600
machine. 
But I'm teaching you to tie your

689
00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:29,400
shoes. 
I'm helping teach you to read. 

690
00:37:29,720 --> 00:37:32,440
I taught you, your dad taught 
you how to ride your bike. 

691
00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:36,640
Like, we're doing a lot of the 
legwork here for a 5050 split. 

692
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:38,920
We're carrying a lot of the 
load. 

693
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:43,000
And so I get that resentment. 
I would like them to just show 

694
00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:46,160
up one day, be like I learned 
how to wash my clothes. 

695
00:37:46,240 --> 00:37:49,920
That would be nice, however. 
It's not reality check Alyssa. 

696
00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:53,800
Yeah, I was going to say 
reality, but I was also going to

697
00:37:53,800 --> 00:37:58,080
talk on how the guilt parenting 
really increases in those 

698
00:37:58,080 --> 00:37:59,880
teenage years. 
So good luck, Alyssa. 

699
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:03,520
I'm just going to. 
But it really does in in the 

700
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:07,960
research talks all about this, 
how, you know, especially with 

701
00:38:07,960 --> 00:38:10,960
dads, if they weren't around a 
lot, that there's just, you 

702
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:16,200
know, dad guilt, the parenting 
falls by the wayside or might 

703
00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:19,720
really be parent of the year, 
you know, whatever, what have 

704
00:38:19,720 --> 00:38:21,320
you. 
But it's not consistent. 

705
00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:27,000
And so there's a lot of research
that states that if there's 

706
00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:30,440
really good involvement, 
emotional support in 

707
00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:36,040
communication from bio dad, then
those are really influential in 

708
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:39,480
fostering a good step parent 
stepchild relationship between 

709
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:43,320
the stepmom and the stepchild. 
So you know, just that that 

710
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:46,000
partnership that we we've kind 
of been talking about. 

711
00:38:46,000 --> 00:38:52,120
Do you and your husband ever 
disagree about like this 

712
00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:54,120
discipline with the preteen so 
far? 

713
00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:56,600
Or have you guys talked about 
like, how is this going to look 

714
00:38:56,600 --> 00:38:58,440
like? 
Like how are we going to do cars

715
00:38:58,440 --> 00:39:01,360
when he's old enough to drive? 
Like, have you guys had those 

716
00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:03,480
conversations yet? 
No, no, we haven't. 

717
00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:07,920
And The thing is he had, he got 
a phone when he turned 8. 

718
00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:12,640
So I know, I'm very, very sure, 
I'm very aware that mom is going

719
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:15,920
to get him his own car. 
And so he'll have his own car. 

720
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:18,480
He'll Willy nilly, you know, 
leave our house and go visit her

721
00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:20,480
house probably. 
So I'm not too concerned about 

722
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:24,960
us having to buy the car because
we're not trying to buy his 

723
00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:28,160
affection either. 
So he will come here one day, 

724
00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:31,680
he'll have his car, but we'll 
most likely be the ones that get

725
00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:35,800
him driving at driver's Ed. 
This is like so nutty, but it's 

726
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:37,320
just how it works. 
We're going to be the ones to 

727
00:39:37,320 --> 00:39:39,800
help him get his license, but 
she'll be there with the car, 

728
00:39:39,800 --> 00:39:40,960
which is fine. 
It's great. 

729
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:43,360
That's one less financial load 
to bear. 

730
00:39:43,400 --> 00:39:45,600
So no, I think that's a good 
point, though. 

731
00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:49,080
He and I, my husband and I need 
to sit down and figure out what 

732
00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:51,720
we're going to do. 
Is he going to stay being this 

733
00:39:51,720 --> 00:39:54,640
firm dad or is he going to be 
more protective, you know, 

734
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:57,000
during the preteen and teenage 
years? 

735
00:39:57,000 --> 00:40:00,640
And what do our roles look like?
And I think that that a lot of 

736
00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:02,880
these stepmoms that are reaching
out to us saying like, how do we

737
00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:05,080
survive these teenage years? 
It's so awful. 

738
00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:07,360
And maybe they didn't have a 
space. 

739
00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:11,360
Like this to learn, you know, 
how to have those conversations.

740
00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:16,120
And we can always take this to, 
to the membership and figure out

741
00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:18,160
like what's working for other 
moms. 

742
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:19,840
You know, we have lots of 
stepmoms and they're with 

743
00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:23,280
teenagers and we'll see what 
helps them and what they learned

744
00:40:23,280 --> 00:40:25,560
from it because it's all a 
process as you go. 

745
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:27,320
Definitely. 
And I think it's just, you know,

746
00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:31,800
always, you know, choosing 
connection with that stepchild 

747
00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:35,040
over control while also 
protecting your own nervous 

748
00:40:35,040 --> 00:40:36,960
system. 
And everyone is different. 

749
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:40,320
What works to calm their own 
nervous system down and what 

750
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:43,360
might calm Alyssa's nervous 
system for calming down might be

751
00:40:43,360 --> 00:40:45,400
different for me. 
I need to walk, I need to get on

752
00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:49,400
my walking pad and I need to 
walk very fast for for a while 

753
00:40:49,440 --> 00:40:52,240
to calm myself down. 
I like. 

754
00:40:52,240 --> 00:40:55,160
Pain Valentine's Day. 
Do you remember when Jessica 

755
00:40:55,160 --> 00:40:57,840
Biel is on the treadmill and 
she's like pushing the wrong 

756
00:40:57,840 --> 00:40:59,880
button and it starts going 
faster and faster and she's like

757
00:40:59,960 --> 00:41:03,120
walking at like 55 mph? 
It's insane. 

758
00:41:03,120 --> 00:41:04,200
It's so funny. 
Really. 

759
00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:06,360
No. 
Yeah, no. 

760
00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:11,440
But that's what I do. 
OK, let's finish up here with 

761
00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:14,320
some listener questions. 
I know that I could ask you 

762
00:41:14,320 --> 00:41:17,600
million questions all day, but 
we probably have some questions 

763
00:41:17,600 --> 00:41:22,160
straight from the mouths of the 
babes out in our stepmom world, 

764
00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:27,120
So let's see. 
So, OK, this one, and I have 

765
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:31,160
heard this from a lot of 
stepmoms with teenagers, how do 

766
00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:35,680
you deal with feeling like the 
third wheel when your husband's 

767
00:41:35,680 --> 00:41:40,280
attention is all on your stepson
or stepdaughter, I guess? 

768
00:41:40,280 --> 00:41:43,600
And I think this can be applied 
to no matter what age, But for 

769
00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:46,280
teenagers, I do think it's a 
little different because I think

770
00:41:46,280 --> 00:41:49,320
sometimes like teenagers are 
like wanting more of that 

771
00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:51,080
attention at that age. 
I don't really know. 

772
00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:53,680
But yes. 
So how do we deal with feeling 

773
00:41:53,680 --> 00:41:56,320
like the third wheel? 
Do you have any insight? 

774
00:41:56,400 --> 00:41:59,920
And I just I'll usually that's 
when I go do that whole thing 

775
00:41:59,920 --> 00:42:03,240
that I preach. 
I retreat like I if I'm feeling 

776
00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:07,440
like an outsider in my own home 
or if they're bonding with dad 

777
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:09,720
and I am just not in that 
moment. 

778
00:42:09,720 --> 00:42:11,680
And usually what it looks like 
right now, because we have 

779
00:42:11,680 --> 00:42:16,200
smaller ish kiddos, they're all 
wrestling together and I'm like,

780
00:42:16,440 --> 00:42:20,080
I'm going to get hurt in that. 
I don't take that time to step 

781
00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:23,000
away because I'm like, my 
husband has got this, this looks

782
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:24,240
great. 
You're good to go. 

783
00:42:24,240 --> 00:42:26,840
I'm going to be over here. 
You guys have some fun. 

784
00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:31,080
That's usually when I take these
much needed breaks that I talked

785
00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:33,240
about my preach about another 
one I'm going to turn into a 

786
00:42:33,240 --> 00:42:36,000
guide. 
I promise for all the members in

787
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:38,960
their community that will be a 
guide here very shortly. 

788
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:43,600
I like to step away and that 
usually means going to my room 

789
00:42:43,600 --> 00:42:46,040
and it's amount. 
The amount of time that I have 

790
00:42:46,040 --> 00:42:48,720
is depending on the situation. 
So if I have 5 minutes, if I 

791
00:42:48,720 --> 00:42:52,360
have 45 minutes, if I have 5 
minutes, I'm going to be sitting

792
00:42:52,360 --> 00:42:55,640
and scrolling just to remove my 
mind that I come back a 

793
00:42:55,640 --> 00:42:58,560
different person. 
If I have more than 1/2 hour, 

794
00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:02,480
you know, then you can read a 
little bit or take a bath. 

795
00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:05,640
I like to go take a steam shower
if it's like the evening. 

796
00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:08,000
And then I could just stand in 
there off my makeup. 

797
00:43:08,080 --> 00:43:11,640
I come out in new person and 
then I'm a better stepmom and I 

798
00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:14,200
actually want to get involved in
like, OK, let's take this 

799
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:16,920
wrestling match so the 
trampoline and I can play. 

800
00:43:17,160 --> 00:43:18,360
No, exactly. 
I like that. 

801
00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:20,840
And I like how you like 
acknowledge, like then I can be 

802
00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:23,960
a better stepmom and actually 
like like what I'm doing. 

803
00:43:24,120 --> 00:43:26,840
And that's exactly what I was 
going to say to this listener to

804
00:43:26,840 --> 00:43:29,000
is don't see it as you're being 
a third wheel. 

805
00:43:29,760 --> 00:43:31,360
I would welcome that 
relationship. 

806
00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:35,160
You guys have fun. 
I'm going to go listen to a 

807
00:43:35,160 --> 00:43:39,400
podcast or go on a walk by 
myself or call my friend Invent 

808
00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:43,200
or, you know, if you listen to a
church, like whatever you know, 

809
00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:47,240
fills your cup, go do it. 
That's your sign to go do that. 

810
00:43:47,320 --> 00:43:52,600
OK, can I to this question here?
This one says is it possible to 

811
00:43:52,600 --> 00:43:56,600
discipline the teenager as a 
stepmom without ruining the 

812
00:43:56,600 --> 00:43:59,600
relationship? 
That's a really solid question I

813
00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:02,240
want to know as well. 
So have you tried this? 

814
00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:06,880
Did you ruin the relationship? 
I know the status of your your 

815
00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:08,680
current relationship with that 
kid. 

816
00:44:08,680 --> 00:44:10,320
Also. 
Dive into that one for me, 

817
00:44:10,320 --> 00:44:12,280
Becca. 
So the question was, can you 

818
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:14,360
discipline them without Roni in 
a relationship? 

819
00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:16,040
Yeah. 
And how do you, what does that 

820
00:44:16,040 --> 00:44:18,040
look like? 
Like give an example because I 

821
00:44:18,040 --> 00:44:21,720
know it's going to be different 
for every situation, but if you 

822
00:44:21,720 --> 00:44:25,120
do discipline and it's 
successful, how does that 

823
00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:28,120
happen? 
Can you, you know, just lean 

824
00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:31,600
into the child's interests and 
be like, this is, you know, if 

825
00:44:31,600 --> 00:44:34,000
you love certain amount of 
sport, you can't be doing, you 

826
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:38,880
know, XY and Z because you can't
continue sports. 

827
00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:42,520
You know, if you do certain bad 
behaviors, like seriously bad 

828
00:44:42,520 --> 00:44:46,080
behaviors, or you know, how do 
we relate to teenagers to be 

829
00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:50,320
able to discipline so that we 
don't burn our relationship. 

830
00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:53,840
For me, this is kind of hard 
because when I think about this,

831
00:44:53,840 --> 00:44:57,280
I go into the lens of just being
a parent, not even being a step 

832
00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:59,000
parent anymore. 
I don't care if you don't like 

833
00:44:59,000 --> 00:45:01,560
me. 
I don't care if you are going to

834
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:04,080
threaten me. 
I don't care if you're going to 

835
00:45:04,080 --> 00:45:06,200
threaten me that you're not 
going to talk to me anymore 

836
00:45:06,640 --> 00:45:10,520
because but. 
I'm saying don't threaten me 

837
00:45:10,520 --> 00:45:13,080
with a good time. 
No, be quiet. 

838
00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:16,280
So no, I was going to say now 
you'll maybe lose my train of 

839
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:18,880
thought is because like I've 
been talking about in this 

840
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:21,640
episode is like connecting 
connection before correction. 

841
00:45:21,640 --> 00:45:24,960
So even though if you have 
connection before correction, 

842
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:27,400
they still might hate you or not
like you for it. 

843
00:45:27,400 --> 00:45:31,560
And I just like I'm confident in
who I am as a parent in this 

844
00:45:31,560 --> 00:45:34,040
child's life. 
And I know that this is best for

845
00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:38,200
them and that this is going to 
help them be successful one day.

846
00:45:38,440 --> 00:45:44,280
And you know, that child has 
said that to me before, even 

847
00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:48,200
later, and thanked me for that. 
Since he has been out of the 

848
00:45:48,200 --> 00:45:51,480
house, he did not like maybe the
consequence I was giving him at 

849
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:53,440
that time. 
But like I just said, I don't 

850
00:45:53,440 --> 00:45:55,880
care. 
This is my house and this is 

851
00:45:55,880 --> 00:45:59,240
what it is. 
But that took a lot of years of 

852
00:45:59,240 --> 00:46:03,360
me getting to that place and me 
being confident in who I am as a

853
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:06,640
person and as a stepmom and 
delivering that consequence. 

854
00:46:07,160 --> 00:46:09,200
And it wasn't always pretty. 
It wasn't always like he was 

855
00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:13,240
like, OK, yes, Becca, OK, no, it
that's not how it went. 

856
00:46:13,240 --> 00:46:16,560
But it's just being confident in
your own parenting skills, you 

857
00:46:16,560 --> 00:46:20,400
know, and knowing that whatever 
you're doing is for their best 

858
00:46:20,400 --> 00:46:24,040
interest to help them grow as a 
person and be a happy, 

859
00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:26,280
functional member of society one
day. 

860
00:46:26,280 --> 00:46:28,040
Because isn't that what we all 
want for our kids? 

861
00:46:28,040 --> 00:46:32,280
We want them to be independent 
members of society who are kind 

862
00:46:32,280 --> 00:46:35,480
and nice people. 
And that that's my goal. 

863
00:46:35,480 --> 00:46:39,840
And, you know, he likes me now. 
I think a lot better. 

864
00:46:39,840 --> 00:46:42,640
Our relationship is better now 
that he doesn't live there, but 

865
00:46:42,640 --> 00:46:45,600
I'm sure he did not. 
Yeah, I'm sure he didn't like me

866
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:47,640
a lot When you live with me and 
he'll tell you that. 

867
00:46:47,680 --> 00:46:52,000
You know, OK, maybe one or two 
more if we have time, but OK, 

868
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:56,240
what do you do if the teen 
prefers the other home? 

869
00:46:56,360 --> 00:46:59,760
I thought this was a dead 
giveaway that you just then they

870
00:46:59,760 --> 00:47:02,000
go live there because they're 
allowed to choose, but maybe 

871
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:04,400
it's certain states they're not 
able to. 

872
00:47:05,080 --> 00:47:09,080
I know at least where we are, 
down, down, South, where you're 

873
00:47:09,080 --> 00:47:11,640
allowed to choose at the tender 
age of 12. 

874
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:16,360
Wow, OK well I know for a fact 
that is not how all states do 

875
00:47:16,360 --> 00:47:20,120
it. 
The state that my husband had a 

876
00:47:20,120 --> 00:47:24,240
thing with for the this child, 
it was not like that. 

877
00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:27,600
That's the order and that's the 
custodial parent. 

878
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:30,320
And then you go from there. 
And I know in other states it's 

879
00:47:30,320 --> 00:47:32,840
not like that too. 
So I think it really just 

880
00:47:32,840 --> 00:47:39,360
depends on like the perspective.
I know some bio moms have said, 

881
00:47:39,360 --> 00:47:42,520
well, if they want to live with 
me full time, then you should 

882
00:47:42,520 --> 00:47:46,720
let them live with me full time.
But then you know, the dad is 

883
00:47:46,720 --> 00:47:50,080
like, well, no, I want my son or
daughter half the time. 

884
00:47:50,080 --> 00:47:52,640
I think it's important that even
if they might not feel like 

885
00:47:52,640 --> 00:47:56,240
coming here, that they do, you 
know, So I don't know, it really

886
00:47:56,240 --> 00:47:59,080
depends on the exact situations 
and the details from it. 

887
00:47:59,400 --> 00:48:05,880
From my personal stance, I think
5050 is best as much as you can 

888
00:48:05,880 --> 00:48:09,720
make it possible, depending on 
how it changes the family 

889
00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:13,080
dynamics of your house, if that 
teenager is respectful or not 

890
00:48:13,080 --> 00:48:14,920
or, you know, hurting your 
family. 

891
00:48:14,920 --> 00:48:18,160
But I do think it's healthy for 
them to have that parent present

892
00:48:18,160 --> 00:48:21,480
in their life at least 50% of 
the time, no matter what that 

893
00:48:21,480 --> 00:48:24,200
looks like. 
And maybe taking a neutral 

894
00:48:24,200 --> 00:48:27,160
stance if you have to have that 
conversation with the kiddo of 

895
00:48:27,160 --> 00:48:30,200
like, I don't know what state 
these people are in, but like, 

896
00:48:30,200 --> 00:48:38,280
OK, you say, you know, you're in
here in Maine or whatever, 

897
00:48:38,280 --> 00:48:41,440
Alaska this is. 
Oh, and maybe this is like our 

898
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:46,680
foreign followers like Germany 
or Switzerland here. 

899
00:48:46,680 --> 00:48:49,720
These are our rules and this is 
just how it works. 

900
00:48:49,720 --> 00:48:51,320
This is what's healthiest for 
kids. 

901
00:48:51,320 --> 00:48:54,920
And you know what they, the 
state or the country recommends 

902
00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:57,200
for kids until they're this age 
XYZ. 

903
00:48:57,600 --> 00:49:01,120
And not saying like, well, you 
can't be at mom's more because 

904
00:49:01,120 --> 00:49:05,120
she's so toxic and she talks bad
about me or like, and we can't 

905
00:49:05,200 --> 00:49:09,520
control the other houses. 
Of course, it's very hard to not

906
00:49:09,640 --> 00:49:12,600
talk bad about the other house 
when maybe they're talking bad 

907
00:49:12,600 --> 00:49:14,760
about you. 
But keeping it neutral. 

908
00:49:14,760 --> 00:49:19,200
I've noticed anything you 
deliver then lands softly. 

909
00:49:19,560 --> 00:49:22,760
You can say the same thing at 
the same point across by 

910
00:49:23,000 --> 00:49:26,720
delivering it neutral, not 
mentioning names, kind of 

911
00:49:26,720 --> 00:49:31,200
throwing it out there as like as
a universe, this is what happens

912
00:49:31,200 --> 00:49:35,200
or this is what we do. 
Just like the whole saying like 

913
00:49:35,480 --> 00:49:38,480
don't do drugs, stay in school. 
This is the thing for everyone. 

914
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:42,320
Not everyone stays in school. 
Some people we need to. 

915
00:49:43,120 --> 00:49:46,640
Why is Becca laughing? 
This is something I preach to 

916
00:49:46,640 --> 00:49:50,320
the kids and they're like, why 
do we have to stay in school 

917
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:53,080
with the little guy because he 
struggles with reading and 

918
00:49:53,080 --> 00:49:55,680
learning. 
I'm like, this is just something

919
00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:59,040
you have to do. 
The tender state of Texas. 

920
00:49:59,040 --> 00:50:04,560
So yeah, we like to make 
everything neutral. 

921
00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:07,920
Any advice we give? 
This is what is supposed to 

922
00:50:07,920 --> 00:50:10,000
happen, so blame it on the 
universe. 

923
00:50:10,440 --> 00:50:12,640
No, I think that's good. 
I think that's good. 

924
00:50:13,000 --> 00:50:17,480
I think this is all the time we 
have for today's stepmoms, but 

925
00:50:17,480 --> 00:50:21,000
we just want to end by just, you
know, emphasizing or re 

926
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:23,920
emphasizing. 
Remember teenager, whether it's 

927
00:50:23,920 --> 00:50:27,120
your step kids or not, it's not 
just about, you know, the 

928
00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:29,880
disrespect isn't just about the 
attitude sometimes it's about 

929
00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:32,880
them finding their identity as a
person. 

930
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:36,840
It's about those loyalty finds 
that exist, that separation that

931
00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:40,240
happens between parent and child
around that age. 

932
00:50:40,240 --> 00:50:43,000
Our goal, we're not trying to 
control the situation, we're 

933
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:46,400
just trying to navigate it as 
best as we can possible without 

934
00:50:46,400 --> 00:50:50,320
losing ourselves, our marriages,
all that good stuff in the 

935
00:50:50,320 --> 00:50:53,120
process. 
So thank you all for being here 

936
00:50:53,120 --> 00:50:56,120
with us today. 
Thanks for stopping by and if 

937
00:50:56,120 --> 00:50:59,840
you guys have more questions, 
you can reach us on our 

938
00:50:59,840 --> 00:51:02,120
Instagram. 
And if you want a closer 

939
00:51:02,120 --> 00:51:05,680
connection with us or other 
stepmoms, please look at the 

940
00:51:05,680 --> 00:51:10,600
link in our podcast or in our 
Instagram bio and take a peek at

941
00:51:10,600 --> 00:51:14,280
the membership because we do 
really see that being a benefit 

942
00:51:14,280 --> 00:51:15,920
for our members that are there 
currently. 

943
00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:19,840
And maybe meet a new best friend
that's a stepmom also. 

944
00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:22,760
So that's my Ted talk on our our
membership. 

945
00:51:22,760 --> 00:51:26,880
I'm very pro stepmom friends. 
We'll catch you guys next week. 

946
00:51:27,000 --> 00:51:29,200
Bye y'all. 
That's it for this week on 

947
00:51:29,200 --> 00:51:32,120
stepmom side chats. 
We're Alyssa and Becca, your 

948
00:51:32,120 --> 00:51:36,040
stepmom besties before you go. 
If something we said hit a 

949
00:51:36,040 --> 00:51:40,200
little close to home, go ahead 
and hit follow now so you don't 

950
00:51:40,200 --> 00:51:43,400
miss future episodes and share 
with another stepmom to help us 

951
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:45,400
grow. 
If you want to connect between 

952
00:51:45,400 --> 00:51:49,120
episodes, follow us on Instagram
Stepmomsidechats and send us 

953
00:51:49,120 --> 00:51:51,360
what you want us. 
To chat about next, keep giving 

954
00:51:51,360 --> 00:51:53,000
yourself grace. 
You're doing better than you 

955
00:51:53,000 --> 00:51:54,920
think. 
We'll chat with you all soon.