Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats.
We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms.
Who are done pretending everything's perfect.
This is where we talk boundaries, Co parenting, hard
truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud.
If you're ready for real talk, real growth, and a little bit of
spice, let's. Get into it, Hi.
And just like that, we're back Round 9.
Ding Ding, Ding. Around 9.
I think this is episode 13, which is so crazy that we've
already I know, I know, I know it is.
Topics in the stepmom world. It's just it's good to be back
stepmom friends. I feel like our community is
really getting like personal. Like I feel like I know some
people now and the amount of DMS and then the amount of people
moving to the membership, like I feel like we actually know them.
So this is all from straight from the heart to your y'all.
Yes, I know. I feel like I have like friends
now and stuff, which is really cool.
Yeah, Alyssa and I are super excited today because we are
diving into a topic that a lot of you guys, you know, requested
that maybe we look into. Today we're going to be talking
about stepmommy and teenagers. Highly requested Hot topic.
Definitely, and from my experience talking to other
stepmoms and being a stepmom myself, I think it is in general
just one of the hardest stages of childhood in general, but
then being a stepmom on top of it.
It sounds crazy for listeners. Just so you all remember, I
don't have a teenage step kid. Becca does.
I have a preteen. He's 10.
He's almost 1211. Yeah, he's almost 12.
Wishful thinking so, but he is definitely going through it.
So we're getting there. We're seeing like the attitude
and the hormone shift already in him.
But yeah, my oldest step kid is just 1010, 1/2 ish.
Becca, explain your situation again with your teenage dynamic
to listeners that might not know or remember.
Yeah, definitely. So my oldest stepson is almost
20 now, Just so crazy. He came to live with us when he
was 13. He turned 13, I think like a
couple weeks after he came to live with us.
So yeah, that was a lot to navigate and we're going to talk
a little bit about it here today and and see what hopefully some
knowledge we can bring you guys or some tips and strategies
because it's just hard. OK, Help stepmoms understand.
Let's just get through the nitty gritty with.
Teenage step kids, I know they go through puberty, they have
hormone shifts. It's an attitude issue that
sometimes they can't control what is developmental, what's
actual disrespect go through that kind of how do you figure
out that boundary? And like, how do you, when you
see it, how do you respond? And how do you figure out how
I'm responding to this? And what's the fine line on
what's allowed and what's not? Yeah, no, it definitely.
So I think first and foremost we should talk about how
development occurs first. So even around the ages 10 to
14, research says that that's when the separation starts
between the child and the parent.
So this is even a nuclear families, but obviously this is
always amplified and blended families as well.
Kids around this age, this is when they start to, you know,
develop their sense of identity, they start to push boundaries
that they normally would not push.
And like I just said, this just amplifies and stepmotherhood
because this person is not their biological mom and a stepmoms,
we start to feel it more because our bond with our stepchild,
it's not biologically secure as it would be with our own
children. So that separation is already
starting and it's really hard to differentiate.
Is this disrespectful behavior or is this developmental, you
know, behavior? And there's a lot of different
components of this. I, I think that as a stepmom of
a teenager when he first came to live with us, and he'll tell you
this too, is there was a lot of eye rolling, short responses.
He wanted space, lots of mood swings.
And for myself, I took this super, super personally.
I was like, like what? I would too.
I mean I, I already take everything personally and I mean
the little one is 7. Like I I, I'm terrified.
That's the only way to put it. I am terrified of this happening
and figuring out how to navigate it.
So continue. Yeah, no, it was like, yeah, how
everyone says it was like emotional whiplash every single
5 minutes in my house, you know? And so I had to really like,
think about it, like, is this normal?
Is this not? And honestly, all for the first
couple years I just cried every single day and texted Alyssa.
I don't know that was much help there.
No, no, you were even just like venting, you know, side note is
like, it's just, I think that there's, you know, constructive
venting and then there's destructive venting, right?
Like if you're talking to your stepmom friend and you're just
venting to kind of get it out and release, I think that's
good. I think it, when it becomes
destructive is when we're just like harping on the same issue
over and over again without trying to find some type of
solution, which I think that's why I wanted to bring that up is
I definitely did that in this situation because being a
stepmom of a teenager is not for the weak, to say the least.
So I had to really understand what's developmental and what's
actual disrespect. So a lot of the things that I
just touched on, the eye rolling, short responses, things
like that is really just developmental.
And my mom is a stepmom as well. And we talked about this and she
was like, what, even when I was parenting your you and your
brothers, I didn't like you guys.
She's like, and you're my biological kids.
Yeah. She said it was so hard.
And so I mean, I know and and trust me, I get it.
I think for stepmoms, it's like times 100, just on the
difficulty level. But that did kind of bring me
some, like, validation in her saying that because I was like,
oh, OK, so you even didn't like your own kids.
OK. Because right now I really don't
like him. Love him but I don't like him.
So did you run things by your mom since she had teenagers at
the same time that were her step kids and her bio kids?
Did she have like that lane that she'd stay in?
That would feel like this is disrespect because it's
happening across the board from all the kids and this is
disrespect personal to me as a stepmom because it's only coming
from the step kids. Like is there a direct example
of like, like I'm just curious, what is it going to look like
when these kids get older? I'm terrified.
Yeah, no, definitely I think.
Well, so we did not grow up with my half sister in the same
household. So and she is much older than
us. So it was kind of different, you
know. But once she had her own
biological, you know, children, she said like there were some,
you know, similarities and and whatnot.
But you know, you know, even she has said and and I have said as
well is that it's different when it's your own kids versus when
it's not. It's like you just like internal
their behavior and take it so much more personally.
And so it just sometimes looks like disrespect even though some
of it could be developmental. So I'm not saying that they're
not disrespectful because they are.
And that's what I wanted to go into next is actual disrespect
is like when a teenager is directly insulting you, right?
They're undermining your authority or they're ignoring
clear rules of the house or, you know, they might be speaking
aggressively, like, you know, raising their tongue when
they're talking to you. Those are things that definitely
are disrespectful. And I think in each of your
households, you'll be able to differentiate what that exactly
looks like. But when that happens, I think
it's super, super important to to set clear boundaries and, and
we can help you do that too, if you need assistance with that
because we're getting better and better at doing that in our own
personal lives. OK, so question back up a little
bit. This attitude started and maybe
the shift in like the hormones, but at what point was that?
Because like I said, at my oldest step kiddo is 10 1/2 and
I I add the half because it's so huge because this is when I
started noticing the shift. It wasn't at 10.
They say it's between 10:00 and 12:00 or something. 10 to 14 I
guess for all but boys. I guess it's 11:50 and I'm
really noticing it in the 10 year mark.
Does was that the same for you? Do you know?
Well, you didn't see him I guess when he was 10, but does it each
year get heavier and different? And when does it slow down?
Like what is that? If you were to make a graph,
what would you think that the attitude scale looks like?
I think it definitely depends on the child themselves though too,
and their own, you know, personality traits and you know,
affect as a whole, because I do have a stepson the same age as
Alyssa is right now. And he is honestly, you know, he
gives attitude sometimes. Don't get me wrong, everyone,
but like I even tell him like he is the best kid, like he is so
respectful and so good. I, I'm always like my son is
going to be the troublemaker and he's so good.
So like him and my oldest are so different that I don't even I
can't even really put into words how different they are.
But for my oldest teenage son or stepson, it was probably after,
I would say the first month of him living with us, like 13, is
when I noticed that shift. Yeah.
And the attitude, at first, it just looked like, you know, kind
of giving me the short answers or, you know, being rude or, you
know, whatever. And, and mostly that is
developmental. And but for me, it was really
hard for me as a stepmom to set boundaries because I was like,
like, is this developmental or is this disrespect?
Do I put a boundary here or do I just ignore this because this is
developmental? So that part was hard for me.
And I would imagine that this would be hard for normal parents
in general or their own biological children.
It's just heightened. Yeah.
I imagine we mentioned boundaries.
So what what behavior required that boundary where you put your
foot down or your husband said, like this is not going to be
acceptable and how do you figure that out?
Again, I know it's about differentiating, but like, tell
us how do we do it? So I guess a small example that
my husband and I had to navigate was who would take on the
discipline? I think when it's a teenager
who's a stepchild and is entering A blended family
dynamic with a stepmom involved, it's super important to make
sure you have that conversation with your husband, who is going
to be the disciplinary, who is going to enforce these rules in
the household. And are you aligned on
discipline? That's a big one.
I know so many of the stepmoms just have issues in their
marriage. We have that special room in our
membership that's just to vent about your relationship and your
marriage in the hard times. And there's so many complexities
that come with being married to someone with kids and then that
level of like having to discipline, how much you
discipline, who does the disciplining, when do we
discipline, when do we not? And how do we explain
disciplining when maybe they're not disciplined at mom's house?
That just takes on a whole new level of stress and pressure on
the relationship. But yeah, if your spouse or your
significant other doesn't agree with discipline or doesn't agree
with you, what is a stepmom to do?
How do like, we get it, this is your kid.
You feel bad for them. I don't even know how to do that
because our kiddos are little and they need discipline.
But sometimes, you know, he does feel like very torn.
But I think it's so important that they get discipline in
these adolescent, like teenage years and preteen years because
they're learning and everything that you tell them, they're
soaking in like a sponge and they're making big decisions on
what they're going to be like later on.
Yeah, no, I think, I think what's really hard for stepmoms
and myself to accept is that the parenting might look different
under the same household. And I think this is even true
and nuclear families once again, is there's different rules for
different kids, right? But it doesn't mean that
disrespect is ever tolerated or allowed.
So for myself, you know, my husband and I did not always
agree on the same things or parent my stepson the same way.
However, when it came to like, you know, being grounded or
disciplining things like that, I really put that back on my
husband because 1, I don't have any biological children yet.
So I was like, what am I doing? Like, am I supposed to freak out
or am I supposed to be upset about this?
Am I supposed to discipline for this?
And so I really relied on him a lot and he was, you know,
navigating this as well. But it really helped to have
those conversations in private and not let that, I don't know,
disagreement or tension, I guess not really even tension, just
underlying current seep into the households because kids are
smart, right? And teenagers by nature are
manipulative. So put that with a stepchild who
has both sides and their bio mom might be telling them all these
negative things about their dad or their stepmom.
You know, it's just, you know, multiplied.
Yeah, I cannot imagine if manipulation is a teenage thing,
what are we to do as stepmoms? Because what I hear the
consensus is that a lot of the kids are even little, They're
manipulating both households kind of to play one house and
pin one house against the other one.
And whether they learn it from the other house or they learn it
just from school and it's like a mechanism for survival.
It really sucks. Escalate for teenagers.
I don't I don't know if anyone's getting married to someone that
has a teenager. I'm just kidding.
So tell me this, if you how would you handle a situation
where if the kiddo, if the teenager is saying or asking you
something and you as a stepmom, you decide to take it into a
little bit of a level of discipline and say like, you're
not going to do that. You're not going to like this is
not OK. You're going to learn a lesson
from this. And if they give you attitude or
say they then you know, even worse, they like flip you off or
they say like F you what? What do you do?
Do you go get dad? Do you just say it like as of
right now, when the my little kids give me attitude, sometimes
I just walk away and I let my husband take over because I
don't feel comfortable doing that.
I just, I don't want them to hate me.
Isn't that terrible? But like, what do you do as a
teenager then? Because those things are more
severe and you have to stop them, right?
You do you do, but I found even like with my 3 1/2 year old,
sometimes he listens better to my husband.
I hate to say that out loud and on the record, but I'm sorry.
It's just true. And so my husband met, yes.
And so sometimes even now I'm like, can you like I need to tap
out, you know, But I think with this situation with a chop style
child who's in their teenage years is that if anything is
like super, I don't know, intense or, you know, something
that's going to have like a real consequence, such as getting
grounded or getting the car taken away.
That should always be delivered by dad.
Always, always, always. It's, you know, for me at least,
it's just not like you said, I didn't feel comfortable doing
that. I feel that, you know, kids act
differently depending on who is disciplining them and who is
talking to them. And I've heard from a lot of
stepmoms like, you know, my stepdaughter or my stepson, like
they will be super rude to me when it's just me and them and
I'm trying to discipline that. But when dad gets home, they act
like a completely different person.
And you know, I think all of us stepmoms have experienced that
to a certain extent. So I think that's why it's
really important just to get that boundary right away.
Like, Nope, my husband, when it comes to those types of, you
know, conversations, that's going to be him and I'm going to
stay out of it. But if they are disrespectful or
rude to me, you know, I might just say OK and walk away.
And that doesn't mean that I'm accepting their disrespect or
behavior. It means I need to think about
this and I do need to consult my husband.
Now, this doesn't mean step moms go call your husband when he's
in the middle of, you know, work shift and you're like, no, no,
no, no. Because trust me, I did that in
the beginning. I was hiding in the closet being
like, guess what they did? Guess what he did?
And that's not helpful for our
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Right, We're playing the long game and if we nitpick every
single thing and set mom life, we'll be done tomorrow because
there's going to be multiple things every day.
So what would you say then? If you tell the kid like you
can't do that or you're grounded or whatever, and they snarl at
youth attitude and say, well, you're not my mom.
And then they walk away like you cannot enforce it.
What, are you going to grab him by the hoodie and pull him and
shove him and lock him in his room?
Exactly. And it's even, I remember my
husband and I talking about this too, like it was even hard for
him to discipline because it's like once they're teenagers,
kids are teenagers, it's like, what are you going to do?
Like, like you said, it's like you can't, you know, they're not
small anymore and they can just walk away from you and it's
whatever. So I think with those, you know,
that honestly didn't happen very much for me, like big blowouts
like that at all. And I think my husband was good
at making sure that those things never occurred.
However, you know, there were sometimes where, you know, I
said, you know, hey, please, let's not talk like this or, you
know, something of that nature. And I want to also say that I
had to go apologize sometimes. And that's really hard for me to
admit, to be honest. Oh my gosh, between you, me, and
like the thousands of followers and listeners we have just
between us, you guys, I do not apologize.
I can't. Don't.
I need to humble myself. No, I have a hard time
apologizing. We'll dig into what that means
later. Have a hard time apologizing to
my husband but to my. Kids.
OK, I don't think I really apologize to the kids much.
I don't think I really need to. I I take a big backseat in my
house. They really respect me because I
don't discipline. That's why I'm very curious how
it looks with teenagers. But when you were saying like
dad comes home, they act different.
It's complete opposite for me. The dad does come home.
They act different, but they act worse.
They're wild, They're loud because he doesn't like to
discipline them. And I'm very like, if I say, if
you do this, you're not going to have candy later, I follow
through on it. And so they know I mean
business. And it's not like I'm scary or I
threaten them. I just, you know, I tell them
what the punishment is going to be and I follow through.
So they know. I mean, I'm serious.
I just don't know how if dad is having a hard time disciplining
the kids now, how is this going to work in teenage world?
Because at that point, also sidebar, I just thought of
something. This is super awkward if they're
going through puberty and like I have boys at home and I'm not
like they're by a mom. Oh this is so uncomfortable.
I wonder if anyone, any listeners had this issue?
Like, do I need to watch how I'm dressed?
Like we go to the demo lot, Do I need to change?
I'm going to wear. Baggy sweatshirts.
No, no, I don't think so, especially because you've been
in their lives for so long. So I wouldn't worry about
anything like that. But no, it the whole puberty
thing is a thing. And me and my youngest stepson
that lives with us, me and his mom have talked about that
before too. So yeah, that's a that's a whole
nother thing. Do you feel like that your 10
year old or 10 1/2 year old, excuse me, have you seen like
any disrespect or like any of these teenager developmental and
disrespectful behaviors? And it's getting worse.
So he he is a little more of a Moody kid.
He's like a mature, like an old soul.
And so he's, he never was like as like the little 1 is so fun
and crazy and wild and lively. And then the older 1 is very in
his feels very emotional. He's like, I feel like there's
no emo kids these days, But if we there were still emo, he
would totally be like emo. But that means it like he's very
sensitive. So he wears his heart on his
sleeve, though. So when something's wrong, you
can see it and everyone in the house and everyone in the
neighborhood knows. So that has just gotten bigger
and bigger and then like more projected.
And I have to kind of say, look, it's really going to be OK.
Like, let's rationalize this a little bit.
And I think because he's not full blown teenager yet, I can
rationalize these things with him, but that's not going to
last very long. And I wanted to know how are we
responding to any of these instances without escalating?
Like what escalates like correcting them in public and
then making them feel smaller or like being reacting out of
emotion instead of, you know, thought process and analytically
responding or like dealing with the power struggles, you know,
of the whole thing? Again, you're not my mom.
Well, I still a mother figure in line.
Like hounding that into them is so awful.
But I definitely get caught doing that too.
Like you can't do that or you can't say that to me.
You're not my mom. I'm like, well, actually I can
because this is my house and you live here too.
That's it's so such an ick conversation.
But so how do you feel like y'all handle that?
Yeah, no. And I think, yeah, it is such a
conversation because it makes you feel, I don't know for you,
but for me, like when I first started hearing like, little
comments like that in the beginning of Venus, I was like,
oh, my gosh, you're hurting my feelings.
Like, I really did. Like, I was angry.
I was so angry they said that. But now, like, deeper into my
stepmom journey, I realized, like that anger came from more
of a place of like, hurt. Like I was like, oh, I know I'm
not your mom, but I'm doing everything that a mom should do
for you. And you know, you're not
treating me very nicely, and it hurts so bad.
So I was like, Oh my gosh, I want to yell at them or
whatever. And sometimes I did, especially
in the beginning because I didn't know how to handle it.
I don't have any kids of my own. I'd never been in this
situation. No one gives us a little rule
book when we become a stepmom. We're like, oh, this is how you
handle it when they say this Like, no, no one is.
Right. But I do think, you know, we're
writing out these guides in our membership and I made a guide
for triggers. But maybe, Becca, if you want to
make a guide for stepmoms of teenagers that like step by
step, because I know you said you had told me a few things
that y'all do that helps those moments and to deescalate it.
So we could throw that in the guide too.
But if you want to give that out to listeners right now and go
over that, like just kind of what you and your husband had
figured out to do, and then just give us some examples.
Yeah, definitely. So I think first and foremost
what we did is we figured out where we align in our parenting
and where we did not align in our parenting.
And that looked different for both of us.
There are things that I thought were important and he did not
and vice versa. And that's OK.
Everyone is different. When you marry someone, if
you're marrying yourself, that's just boring, right?
So it's. I don't know.
We're pretty. Fun.
I know we are. Yeah.
You'd marry me? No, I'm anyways.
We're gross. So.
So, yeah, I would say that's the most important place to start is
like, do we align? What are the areas that are like
deal Breakers for us? Like, no, he has to go to bed at
10:00 PM or curfew has to be midnight.
You know, what are the deal Breakers between US and what
does that look like? And then where can we compromise
so that we both feel heard and respected and whatever rule that
we're delivering or anything like that, as far as like, you
know, when disrespect might happen or anything like that.
And we still use this today. Long lectures do not work.
And trust me, I was the queen of long lectures.
I can I can just imagine you go on and on yes this exactly This
is why I wanted you to bring this up because I know you
talked about this before with the 10 year old.
He gets this glazed look in his eyes when we're lecturing him
because my sweet husband he can go on and on and on and on and
on and on and on. The 10 year old is looking at
him and I, he's like a space cadet.
I'm like, I wonder where he is. I want to know so bad.
Where did he go? What's he thinking?
He's not listening. He's checked out.
I'm, I'm like, did bio mom tell him, you know, when daddy's
lecturing you, you think about this because he's always off
somewhere far, far away. And but it will surprise me
because sometimes then my husband will be like, now what
did I say? And he can reiterate it and
repeat it back to us, which is pretty impressive.
But yes, I agree with this completely, starting at the
beginning when they start that puberty and that the attitude
and they they need quick to the point things because they're
going to check out, they lose interest, they lose respect,
which maybe they don't have much respect anyways.
But yeah, I think that's been key for us.
Super helpful. Well, and I think like short
calm statements like no, not right now.
And no, I don't, I don't want to have this conversation with you
right now or I will not talk to you when you're speaking to me
like this. We can try to visit this
conversation or this the situation later.
You know, you don't have to like what I'm saying, but you do have
to follow it because it is my house.
And you know, I, I would also say when people when step kids
say like, you're not my mom, that's fine.
But I am an adult who cares for you and I'm a parent figure.
And so, you know, respect is something that is just going to
be given or, you know, we're going to have to have a deeper
talk. It's it's a non negotiable
respect in the house and that's really helped a lot.
And you know, just like I was talking about earlier,
consequences through the partner when needed, I think just really
helps. OK, let me see.
I wanted to know, did anything kind of trigger and set off
attitude, anything that we can like prevent?
Maybe some of them are specific for the step kids and everyone
kind of knows their own step kiddo, but is there anything we
should just steer clear of? Like obviously at least in my
house, we don't talk about the other house.
It just doesn't exist in our land right now because it
triggers something everyone. And where there is no other
house, there is peace. I think it depends on the actual
child themselves. I have found, you know, I have
three-step kids and I have found that sometimes ignoring the
other house makes it more difficult and contentious for
them. It makes them feel more, I don't
know, interesting. Yeah.
More anxious if I just ignore that because that's that's half
their life, you know, and so I make it a point with the kids
that want to talk about it. I make it a point to talk to
them about their mom's house. What did you guys do you know
anything like that or oh, what does your mom cook for you?
Things like that. As far as parenting teenagers
goes, I would say the best thing to do is to focus on connection
before correction. And you know, this is just from
the lens of a behavior piece as well, because I work in the
field with behaviors a lot. And you are supposed to try to
connect with someone else before you're starting to correct them,
right? So if someone in our job place
for Alyssa and I, we just got this new job and our boss was
like, well, you know what? You didn't, you didn't do this
XY and Z. You know, you're getting written
up. Oh, you need to clock in at this
time. But didn't I tell you to be home
at this time? Or, you know, whatever the
correction is that our boss is giving us, we'd be like, are you
going to even like take 5 minutes to get to know me?
Like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, you know, like I just met you.
Well, that's exactly how teenagers feel when they meet
their stepmom. And I know it's really hard for
us stepmoms because it's so, so hard for me.
And sometimes I need to practice what I preach to.
But put yourself in these step kids shoes.
They're walking into this house. Some of them they didn't know us
since they were little. And they're like, there's this
other woman. I don't know how you feel about
her. I can't like her too much
because then there's that loyalty buying to buy and buy a
mom and now she's telling me what to do, but I don't even
know her. So I would say the best thing to
do is try to form and develop a really good relationship with
that child before you start, you know, nitpicking, which it has
to be done. There's some things of
disrespectful behavior that you can just not tolerate in your
house. So we understand that.
We're just saying that, you know, forming that bond that's
really strong of safety and connection is super important
because one day when you are starting to deliver
consequences, it'll be a little different I think because of
that. Yeah, it goes back to like the
fact that these kiddos, they've known me at least five years now
and they they know that I'm serious and I mean business.
So if I say something, they just respect that like, yeah, this is
what's going to happen. If Alyssa is saying this, then I
got it. I better follow along if I want
that candy or whatever it is. Let's touch real quick on like
what does it look like to disengage without or versus
giving up? So taking a backseat or letting
your spouse do the the disciplining or just when a
parent stepmom needs to disengage for her own mental
health and her own mental because I think it's most
important to be like, you know, I know we said get on the same
page as your partner, but what if the partner then is like, can
you do it? Can you do discipline?
And you say, sure, that's fine, but it's going to become too
much. You're going to grow resentful,
you're going to grow tired. There's going to be that, you
know, stepmom burnout and that's going to, you know, push into
the relationship that you have with your step kids.
So what does it like to look like to disengage And how do we
make sure just is mental health disengaging and it's not like
stepping out and not caring and, you know, removing yourself
completely. I think disengaging looks a
little different for every person and every stepmom.
I know for me, sometimes I would over function as a stepmom and I
would do things that my husband or my stepson at the time
wouldn't even ask me to do. And then I would grow resentful
later. And it's like no one even asked
you to do that, Becca, Like you caused this whole thing
yourself. And it's not because, you know,
I was trying to make all this drama or whatever, what have
you. It's just because I really
wanted to be a good stepmom. You know, this is the first
child I ever had live in my house with me and I was just
trying to do a good job, but it was at the expense of myself,
right? So, and disengaging.
I think it looks different for everyone, but there's some
things that you don't have to do if it's going to cause
resentment for your spouse or your step kid because everyone
can feel it in the house when you're resentful.
So the most important thing you can do is lay those boundaries,
give those duties to your husband by talking to him and
that can be a form of disengaging.
You know what, I am not going to check the grades anymore.
I am going to leave that to you and bio mom from from now on.
I'm not going to have a part in that and that's OK.
And so I think simple little things like that really help and
really go a long way. I think something that scares me
the most when I'm looking to the future into that stage of our
life is like the little 1. He struggles a little bit in
school. And so that you know, what's the
saying here I go. Let's let's think if I can get
this right, like cracking the whip.
That's it. I was thinking a ruler, but
cracking the whip, you know, I'm just like, here is what we're
going to do when you get home. And this is a strict rule, but
the guy is in second grade, but it has to be a strict rule right
now because he has that wild mind that can't focus.
And some may call it, you know, ADHD or something similar to
that. The rule is you get home from
school, you sit at your desk and do your homework.
And when it's done, I don't care what toys you play with.
I don't care if you're outside with the neighbor kids or if
you're on your like, Xbox, do your homework first.
But then my husband, he also has that ADHD kind of mindset so he
feels more for the kiddo and he's like he needs breaks and
the one helping with the homework is me because he has
like 2 ADHD kids together. Like doing homework.
I don't think so. So I am getting burned out.
School days in the school year is hard.
So I think going through each season we're going to have to.
And this is for every stepmom. You have to sit down and change
up this the strategy in your relationship, like, OK, I can
carry this burden in this weight for the school year, but then in
the summer and you're going to help with the tutoring because
he then goes to tutoring in the summer.
So that's your job. I'll make sure the homework is
done on time. I'll erase the wrong answers and
put in the right ones. No, I'm just kidding.
Seriously, it's, it's a matter of OK, let's let's figure out
what we can do to survive, how much you can take on.
And it's the same for think about stepmoms, your house, who
cleans the house, who does the yard, who you know, cooks the
meals. You have a system and it works.
Or if it doesn't, you're probably working on putting a
system together between you and your spouse.
So what's this system with your step kids?
And each one is going to need a different system because each
step kid is different. So like the emotional preteen
that we have, it's kind of like he needs this motherly guidance
right now and he's leaning into the the softness that I offer
more so than right now. And I think that that will
change once he really starts going through puberty, he's
gonna probably want to add more. And so going through each stage
of life. And this is just how we're
hoping to do it moving forward. Of course, when the teenagers
hit those teenagers, it's gonna be hard and it's gonna be
different to navigate it, I'm sure.
Like for instance, I do do the laundry.
At what point though, does the teenager say I'm going to clean
my own underwear? Or like, do they care?
Or are they just like, I guess boys maybe are so messy
sometimes and gross that they're like, just clean my underwear, I
don't care, just clean it. Or do they just not even want it
clean? Like what?
How do some of these things come up and happen?
And it's different for every kid, I guess.
But what do we do here? My stepson, who moved in when he
was almost 13, he's done his laundry from day one.
Day one. I don't do that.
Never will. Who taught him to do his
laundry? Because mom is not going to do
that here. I'll have to I guess.
I did. Yeah, me and me and my husband
did. This is where I feel.
Resentment. Really, it's not hard.
You're throwing a tie pod. I want them to separate.
Don't put in too much in one smoke a break, my washing
machine. But I'm teaching you to tie your
shoes. I'm helping teach you to read.
I taught you, your dad taught you how to ride your bike.
Like, we're doing a lot of the legwork here for a 5050 split.
We're carrying a lot of the load.
And so I get that resentment. I would like them to just show
up one day, be like I learned how to wash my clothes.
That would be nice, however. It's not reality check Alyssa.
Yeah, I was going to say reality, but I was also going to
talk on how the guilt parenting really increases in those
teenage years. So good luck, Alyssa.
I'm just going to. But it really does in in the
research talks all about this, how, you know, especially with
dads, if they weren't around a lot, that there's just, you
know, dad guilt, the parenting falls by the wayside or might
really be parent of the year, you know, whatever, what have
you. But it's not consistent.
And so there's a lot of research that states that if there's
really good involvement, emotional support in
communication from bio dad, then those are really influential in
fostering a good step parent stepchild relationship between
the stepmom and the stepchild. So you know, just that that
partnership that we we've kind of been talking about.
Do you and your husband ever disagree about like this
discipline with the preteen so far?
Or have you guys talked about like, how is this going to look
like? Like how are we going to do cars
when he's old enough to drive? Like, have you guys had those
conversations yet? No, no, we haven't.
And The thing is he had, he got a phone when he turned 8.
So I know, I'm very, very sure, I'm very aware that mom is going
to get him his own car. And so he'll have his own car.
He'll Willy nilly, you know, leave our house and go visit her
house probably. So I'm not too concerned about
us having to buy the car because we're not trying to buy his
affection either. So he will come here one day,
he'll have his car, but we'll most likely be the ones that get
him driving at driver's Ed. This is like so nutty, but it's
just how it works. We're going to be the ones to
help him get his license, but she'll be there with the car,
which is fine. It's great.
That's one less financial load to bear.
So no, I think that's a good point, though.
He and I, my husband and I need to sit down and figure out what
we're going to do. Is he going to stay being this
firm dad or is he going to be more protective, you know,
during the preteen and teenage years?
And what do our roles look like? And I think that that a lot of
these stepmoms that are reaching out to us saying like, how do we
survive these teenage years? It's so awful.
And maybe they didn't have a space.
Like this to learn, you know, how to have those conversations.
And we can always take this to, to the membership and figure out
like what's working for other moms.
You know, we have lots of stepmoms and they're with
teenagers and we'll see what helps them and what they learned
from it because it's all a process as you go.
Definitely. And I think it's just, you know,
always, you know, choosing connection with that stepchild
over control while also protecting your own nervous
system. And everyone is different.
What works to calm their own nervous system down and what
might calm Alyssa's nervous system for calming down might be
different for me. I need to walk, I need to get on
my walking pad and I need to walk very fast for for a while
to calm myself down. I like.
Pain Valentine's Day. Do you remember when Jessica
Biel is on the treadmill and she's like pushing the wrong
button and it starts going faster and faster and she's like
walking at like 55 mph? It's insane.
It's so funny. Really.
No. Yeah, no.
But that's what I do. OK, let's finish up here with
some listener questions. I know that I could ask you
million questions all day, but we probably have some questions
straight from the mouths of the babes out in our stepmom world,
So let's see. So, OK, this one, and I have
heard this from a lot of stepmoms with teenagers, how do
you deal with feeling like the third wheel when your husband's
attention is all on your stepson or stepdaughter, I guess?
And I think this can be applied to no matter what age, But for
teenagers, I do think it's a little different because I think
sometimes like teenagers are like wanting more of that
attention at that age. I don't really know.
But yes. So how do we deal with feeling
like the third wheel? Do you have any insight?
And I just I'll usually that's when I go do that whole thing
that I preach. I retreat like I if I'm feeling
like an outsider in my own home or if they're bonding with dad
and I am just not in that moment.
And usually what it looks like right now, because we have
smaller ish kiddos, they're all wrestling together and I'm like,
I'm going to get hurt in that. I don't take that time to step
away because I'm like, my husband has got this, this looks
great. You're good to go.
I'm going to be over here. You guys have some fun.
That's usually when I take these much needed breaks that I talked
about my preach about another one I'm going to turn into a
guide. I promise for all the members in
their community that will be a guide here very shortly.
I like to step away and that usually means going to my room
and it's amount. The amount of time that I have
is depending on the situation. So if I have 5 minutes, if I
have 45 minutes, if I have 5 minutes, I'm going to be sitting
and scrolling just to remove my mind that I come back a
different person. If I have more than 1/2 hour,
you know, then you can read a little bit or take a bath.
I like to go take a steam shower if it's like the evening.
And then I could just stand in there off my makeup.
I come out in new person and then I'm a better stepmom and I
actually want to get involved in like, OK, let's take this
wrestling match so the trampoline and I can play.
No, exactly. I like that.
And I like how you like acknowledge, like then I can be
a better stepmom and actually like like what I'm doing.
And that's exactly what I was going to say to this listener to
is don't see it as you're being a third wheel.
I would welcome that relationship.
You guys have fun. I'm going to go listen to a
podcast or go on a walk by myself or call my friend Invent
or, you know, if you listen to a church, like whatever you know,
fills your cup, go do it. That's your sign to go do that.
OK, can I to this question here? This one says is it possible to
discipline the teenager as a stepmom without ruining the
relationship? That's a really solid question I
want to know as well. So have you tried this?
Did you ruin the relationship? I know the status of your your
current relationship with that kid.
Also. Dive into that one for me,
Becca. So the question was, can you
discipline them without Roni in a relationship?
Yeah. And how do you, what does that
look like? Like give an example because I
know it's going to be different for every situation, but if you
do discipline and it's successful, how does that
happen? Can you, you know, just lean
into the child's interests and be like, this is, you know, if
you love certain amount of sport, you can't be doing, you
know, XY and Z because you can't continue sports.
You know, if you do certain bad behaviors, like seriously bad
behaviors, or you know, how do we relate to teenagers to be
able to discipline so that we don't burn our relationship.
For me, this is kind of hard because when I think about this,
I go into the lens of just being a parent, not even being a step
parent anymore. I don't care if you don't like
me. I don't care if you are going to
threaten me. I don't care if you're going to
threaten me that you're not going to talk to me anymore
because but. I'm saying don't threaten me
with a good time. No, be quiet.
So no, I was going to say now you'll maybe lose my train of
thought is because like I've been talking about in this
episode is like connecting connection before correction.
So even though if you have connection before correction,
they still might hate you or not like you for it.
And I just like I'm confident in who I am as a parent in this
child's life. And I know that this is best for
them and that this is going to help them be successful one day.
And you know, that child has said that to me before, even
later, and thanked me for that. Since he has been out of the
house, he did not like maybe the consequence I was giving him at
that time. But like I just said, I don't
care. This is my house and this is
what it is. But that took a lot of years of
me getting to that place and me being confident in who I am as a
person and as a stepmom and delivering that consequence.
And it wasn't always pretty. It wasn't always like he was
like, OK, yes, Becca, OK, no, it that's not how it went.
But it's just being confident in your own parenting skills, you
know, and knowing that whatever you're doing is for their best
interest to help them grow as a person and be a happy,
functional member of society one day.
Because isn't that what we all want for our kids?
We want them to be independent members of society who are kind
and nice people. And that that's my goal.
And, you know, he likes me now. I think a lot better.
Our relationship is better now that he doesn't live there, but
I'm sure he did not. Yeah, I'm sure he didn't like me
a lot When you live with me and he'll tell you that.
You know, OK, maybe one or two more if we have time, but OK,
what do you do if the teen prefers the other home?
I thought this was a dead giveaway that you just then they
go live there because they're allowed to choose, but maybe
it's certain states they're not able to.
I know at least where we are, down, down, South, where you're
allowed to choose at the tender age of 12.
Wow, OK well I know for a fact that is not how all states do
it. The state that my husband had a
thing with for the this child, it was not like that.
That's the order and that's the custodial parent.
And then you go from there. And I know in other states it's
not like that too. So I think it really just
depends on like the perspective. I know some bio moms have said,
well, if they want to live with me full time, then you should
let them live with me full time. But then you know, the dad is
like, well, no, I want my son or daughter half the time.
I think it's important that even if they might not feel like
coming here, that they do, you know, So I don't know, it really
depends on the exact situations and the details from it.
From my personal stance, I think 5050 is best as much as you can
make it possible, depending on how it changes the family
dynamics of your house, if that teenager is respectful or not
or, you know, hurting your family.
But I do think it's healthy for them to have that parent present
in their life at least 50% of the time, no matter what that
looks like. And maybe taking a neutral
stance if you have to have that conversation with the kiddo of
like, I don't know what state these people are in, but like,
OK, you say, you know, you're in here in Maine or whatever,
Alaska this is. Oh, and maybe this is like our
foreign followers like Germany or Switzerland here.
These are our rules and this is just how it works.
This is what's healthiest for kids.
And you know what they, the state or the country recommends
for kids until they're this age XYZ.
And not saying like, well, you can't be at mom's more because
she's so toxic and she talks bad about me or like, and we can't
control the other houses. Of course, it's very hard to not
talk bad about the other house when maybe they're talking bad
about you. But keeping it neutral.
I've noticed anything you deliver then lands softly.
You can say the same thing at the same point across by
delivering it neutral, not mentioning names, kind of
throwing it out there as like as a universe, this is what happens
or this is what we do. Just like the whole saying like
don't do drugs, stay in school. This is the thing for everyone.
Not everyone stays in school. Some people we need to.
Why is Becca laughing? This is something I preach to
the kids and they're like, why do we have to stay in school
with the little guy because he struggles with reading and
learning. I'm like, this is just something
you have to do. The tender state of Texas.
So yeah, we like to make everything neutral.
Any advice we give? This is what is supposed to
happen, so blame it on the universe.
No, I think that's good. I think that's good.
I think this is all the time we have for today's stepmoms, but
we just want to end by just, you know, emphasizing or re
emphasizing. Remember teenager, whether it's
your step kids or not, it's not just about, you know, the
disrespect isn't just about the attitude sometimes it's about
them finding their identity as a person.
It's about those loyalty finds that exist, that separation that
happens between parent and child around that age.
Our goal, we're not trying to control the situation, we're
just trying to navigate it as best as we can possible without
losing ourselves, our marriages, all that good stuff in the
process. So thank you all for being here
with us today. Thanks for stopping by and if
you guys have more questions, you can reach us on our
Instagram. And if you want a closer
connection with us or other stepmoms, please look at the
link in our podcast or in our Instagram bio and take a peek at
the membership because we do really see that being a benefit
for our members that are there currently.
And maybe meet a new best friend that's a stepmom also.
So that's my Ted talk on our our membership.
I'm very pro stepmom friends. We'll catch you guys next week.
Bye y'all. That's it for this week on
stepmom side chats. We're Alyssa and Becca, your
stepmom besties before you go. If something we said hit a
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what you want us. To chat about next, keep giving
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