1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,640 Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats. 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:11,240 We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. 3 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,720 Who are done pretending everything's perfect. 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,160 This is where we talk boundaries, PO parenting, hard 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,360 truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud. 6 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,240 If you're ready for real talk, real growth, and a little bit of 7 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:27,560 spice, let's get into it. Hi everyone, welcome back to 8 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:29,960 another episode of Stepmom Side Chat. 9 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:35,560 Alyssa and I are so excited today because we have a special 10 00:00:35,720 --> 00:00:40,640 guest and why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself for those 11 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:44,120 of who don't know you a little bit about who you are and what 12 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:45,240 you do. Absolutely. 13 00:00:45,240 --> 00:00:48,400 So I'm Gabriella Pomari. You can tell by the accent 14 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,680 straight away. I'm from Australia but I do a 15 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:53,480 lot of work obviously overseas and internationally. 16 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:57,160 I'm a Co parent myself and a mom and I'm a family lawyer by way 17 00:00:57,160 --> 00:00:59,440 of background. So I'm dealing with all of this 18 00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,840 all day, every day. I wrote a book, the 19 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:04,480 collaborative Co parent. And if you don't already have 20 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,440 it, it's a really good road map. And from that moment you 21 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,480 separate through to re partnering step families, 22 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,160 blended families, it sort of walks you all the way through 23 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,400 that journey. So this is a topic. 24 00:01:15,400 --> 00:01:17,920 It's it's something I'm really passionate about, I'm interested 25 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:20,280 in about. And for me, it's not so much 26 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,240 about the parents and the adults themselves, but it's how can we 27 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:26,600 make this transition and this life journey easier for the 28 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,040 children involved. Absolutely. 29 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,680 This is huge. And I think Becca, if you 30 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:34,600 probably agree with me, if we want to share a link to her book 31 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:38,160 and put it in our in our membership for our community 32 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:39,760 members, then they can have direct. 33 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,200 Access to it of. Course in this podcast note too, 34 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:46,800 I have to say your accent is like you should be like a phone 35 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:51,840 recorder or something. Your voice is so calming and 36 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:54,240 it's going to be refreshing for our listeners because they're 37 00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,560 used to Becca and I yak in all day. 38 00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,200 A little different today. Yeah, very nice. 39 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:09,639 OK, so we have, you know a whole slew of listeners with ranges of 40 00:02:09,639 --> 00:02:13,360 stepmom, live stepmom priorities, different kinds of 41 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,520 stepmom agendas and calendars with their step kids. 42 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:20,560 And so the whole gamut is completely wide open. 43 00:02:20,720 --> 00:02:24,800 What we decided though for today was kind of to figure out how 44 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,080 you got into work with families and Co parent. 45 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,640 This is something that you planned professionally. 46 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:35,440 Is this like life just LED you here and kind of dig into your 47 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:38,840 beginnings for us and how this became what it is for you? 48 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:41,160 Yeah. Well, look, realistically, my 49 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:45,320 dad is a family lawyer, so I grew up from a very young age, I 50 00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:48,480 guess, exposed to and learning about the concepts of 51 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,520 separation, divorce, blended families. 52 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,880 And that's a lot, I think, for a young child. 53 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,520 And then as I grew up and decided to go into family law, I 54 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:00,440 think I really opened my eyes up to, wow, there's a whole nother 55 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:02,600 world out there now. I grew up in a very nuclear 56 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:04,280 family. My parents stayed together. 57 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,200 So it wasn't something I was necessarily exposed to. 58 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,400 You know, there were kids at school you sort of heard about 59 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,480 all their parents are divorced. But you don't really understand 60 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:14,720 it, I don't think, unless you work in the area or you've 61 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:17,800 experienced it. But having said that, even 62 00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:22,000 working in the area, I still don't think people truly get it 63 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,560 unless you've been through it. Because as a family lawyer, I 64 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:27,800 work with people. I give them advice about, you 65 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:30,040 know, what judges would do, what courts would do. 66 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:33,000 And that's all well and good, but I think you and I would know 67 00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,880 in practical reality, half the time what the courts might do or 68 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:40,000 what might they suggest isn't something that's really workable 69 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:43,840 or what is truly in a child's best interests because courts 70 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,960 don't know about schedules going back and forth. 71 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:48,800 They don't care about, you know, soccer training, basketball 72 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:53,240 training, bags that need to go between homes, those arguments 73 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:56,320 that are largely had because of communication issues. 74 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,320 And then when you start bringing step parents realistically into 75 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:02,120 the mix, things change again. There's another blurring of 76 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:05,000 dynamics and we're trying to work out how do we keep everyone 77 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,800 happy? What roles do we have within a 78 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:09,640 home? So yeah, I think once I went 79 00:04:09,640 --> 00:04:11,720 through it myself, as I said, I'm a Co parent. 80 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:14,200 I separated when my son was like 1. 81 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,400 He's 5 now. I'd be 6. 82 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:18,600 Soon things started to change and then I re partnered. 83 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,800 I've got now a 15 month old. So all those different 84 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:24,040 boundaries start playing out in real life. 85 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,400 And I think that really shifts your perspective. 86 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,240 Is this real life? How do I actually do it? 87 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,520 And when all that started happening for me, I think that's 88 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:34,560 when I said I've got to do more in this work. 89 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,800 You know, it's not simply about being a lawyer because that's 90 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,840 not reality. I want to help people. 91 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,680 I want to write a book. I want to talk about these 92 00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,680 things and I really want to guide people to do it better 93 00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:46,640 where they can. And I know it's not easy. 94 00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:49,760 I know it's a journey. And I'm not going to lie and say 95 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,760 Co parenting is the easiest thing on earth. 96 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,400 We should all be best friends. We should hang out on weekends, 97 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,000 you know, go on coffee dates. It really happens. 98 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,920 But there's got to be a way to make it easier for a child and 99 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,960 for their experience, you know, to be better so that their 100 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:07,440 adulthood isn't impacted. So we talked to so many stepmoms 101 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:11,000 and they feel like they're trying their best, but they just 102 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:14,000 still feel like outsiders. So we're really excited just to 103 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:18,760 hear from you today specifically though, about how that Co 104 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:22,400 parenting relationship evolves over time. 105 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:25,800 Sometimes it gets better, we've heard, and sometimes it gets 106 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:29,160 worse. So from your experience and 107 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:33,720 research you know thus far how does a Co parenting relationship 108 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:38,160 usually change over time and do you find it tends to get easier 109 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,880 or more complicated? I think there's a bit of both, 110 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,800 right? That's the reality of it. 111 00:05:43,120 --> 00:05:46,560 And I really believe it comes down to communication because 112 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:49,400 for me, communication is everything. 113 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:52,720 I wrote an e-book on it. I titled it Communication is 114 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,560 Everything because it is. And if we look at the Co 115 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,920 parenting relationship most of the time, I think it's rare that 116 00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:01,160 as soon as you separate or divorce your best friends, it 117 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:03,480 doesn't happen. And that Co parenting journey 118 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,520 evolves. So realistically it's going to 119 00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:08,920 come down to how we can better that relationship initially in 120 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:12,000 the early stages, learn to communicate better so there's 121 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,200 transparency and openness, but also boundaries. 122 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:18,520 I think boundaries are huge and when the right boundaries and 123 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,320 communication tools are in place, you've got a healthier Co 124 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,680 parenting dynamic and relationship. 125 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:27,040 Then obviously when someone re partners and generally one 126 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,840 person is going to re partner before the other, things start 127 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,920 to shift. And it's if you've got that 128 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:35,000 foundation of that good communication and that boundary 129 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,320 setting that I think it's easier to transition into that space. 130 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:39,680 Look, it will always be difficult. 131 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,200 There is likely always going to be one parent that's still 132 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,320 hurting. Perhaps they weren't ready for 133 00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,640 the relationship breakdown or they were, but it still hurts. 134 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:51,040 I mean, you imagine this life with this family, holidays and 135 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,280 Christmases and your family being intact, you being the one 136 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,840 in the Christmas photos. And all of a sudden there's this 137 00:06:56,840 --> 00:06:59,320 new person. And I guess the first thing you 138 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:02,320 start thinking about, and maybe you resonate with this or not, 139 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:05,680 but you start thinking about, well, hold on, who is this 140 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,760 person? They're now this new parent, 141 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:11,080 this new, they have this role, I suppose in my child's life. 142 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,680 Are they replacing me? And perhaps it is by having that 143 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:17,520 ongoing communication that those two Co parents need to reassure 144 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,960 one another. Yes, we've moved on because life 145 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,160 moves on and we're all entitled to re partner. 146 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:23,880 And so we should, we need to be happy. 147 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:26,600 It's a long life. But this person isn't going to 148 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,400 replace your role. They're going to take on a very 149 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,400 new special role. And I think it's how you 150 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,920 approach that. And I guess I also struggle with 151 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,120 that dynamic. I'm not a stepmom, but obviously 152 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,000 my partner is a stepdad to my son. 153 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,800 And then my son lives with his dad and his stepmom. 154 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:43,560 She's got a couple of kids. So it's all very mixed and 155 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:47,360 beautifully, I guess, blended, new, modern dynamic, right? 156 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,600 But yeah, I sit and wonder and I say, what goes on in that house? 157 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,640 What is she doing? How does she put him to bed? 158 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,480 You know, what sort of things does she feed him? 159 00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,880 And there'll be warnings. I mean, there was a morning last 160 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,200 week I called him and he was teary in the car on the way to 161 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,480 school. I said, what's wrong? 162 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,840 And he said something like, I don't like her rules. 163 00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,280 How do you juggle that? We've all got our own rules. 164 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,440 And again, I said, it's not for me to then dislike her or argue 165 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:10,720 with her. She's entitled to have her rules 166 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,120 in her house. Everyone runs their own house. 167 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,560 But it's nice to have a little bit of communication and find 168 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:18,480 out, perhaps from his dad, Hey, what went on this morning? 169 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:21,960 Is it as big as he's saying or realistically, he's a kid, 170 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:22,920 right? We're adults. 171 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:25,760 We can talk about what's really going on and how I can probably 172 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:30,440 reframe that home, right? It's very scary that we like, 173 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:35,039 it's just not very normal. Like you're putting it where by 174 00:08:35,039 --> 00:08:40,120 a mom hears something come from dad's house and she asked dad 175 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:43,640 like an adult saying happened here, you know, the kid, I have 176 00:08:43,640 --> 00:08:45,440 concerns about the kiddo or something. 177 00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:50,160 And instead she'll maybe overreact or we hear that she'll 178 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:54,080 call CPS instead of investigating with dad 1st. 179 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:58,200 And so that's like such a big breakdown and communication and 180 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:03,000 like you talked about that, that shift of trying to have 181 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,960 communication first, but so that then when all these changes 182 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:09,080 come, you have that groundwork. But when that's not there, it's 183 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,480 just like that's so hard for I know a lot of our listeners that 184 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,920 don't get that kind of bio mom. Yeah. 185 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,640 I don't think it's the typical approach. 186 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:21,760 I think I approach it like that simply because, you know, I have 187 00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,840 that experience, that background, and I know the way 188 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:25,720 it's going to impact the child, right? 189 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,640 But I think realistically, and I see it, I was in court the other 190 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,040 day. I have a client who has a new 191 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:33,480 partner and the first thing mom did when she found out was go to 192 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,520 the daycare, collect the children, bring them home so 193 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:38,200 that dad couldn't spend time with his kids. 194 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:40,200 And that's not the right approach either, right? 195 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,600 Because this new stepmom didn't deserve that. 196 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:46,120 But when I look back and I can only give my experience and I 197 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,440 don't want to sound like I know everything because I don't. 198 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,480 Maybe communication could have resolved that, a chat could have 199 00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:54,120 resolved that. But that takes 2 willing people 200 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:57,160 right? And two mature adults to say we 201 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,640 need to do this better for our kids. 202 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,840 So I guess my advice would be to all the moms out there, by our 203 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:04,920 moms in particular, don't react immediately. 204 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:08,840 There's no need to go out there to cause conflict, to ring CPS, 205 00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,840 you know, to bring this child into the debate and into the 206 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,360 conflict. Step back. 207 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,120 Let's look at things realistically. 208 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,680 This is a very special person in your child's life. 209 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:19,680 They are taking care of your child. 210 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,040 They didn't necessarily want to do this. 211 00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,120 It's a choice they made, right? They could have picked any other 212 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,520 person in the world to go out there and be in a relationship 213 00:10:27,520 --> 00:10:31,000 with, but they chose, you know, your child's other, your father, 214 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,000 whoever it might be. And they've done that because 215 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,320 obviously they believe there's something special in your child 216 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:36,960 too. They want to be a part of that 217 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,080 family. And I think we need to sit back 218 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,880 and say, as hard as it might be, you don't need to like each 219 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,600 other. You don't even necessarily need 220 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:47,040 to agree with each others values and how you bring a child out 221 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:50,560 perhaps and you know, you might be very different, but step back 222 00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:52,600 and say thanks. Thanks for caring for my child. 223 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,080 Thanks for making them feel safe and whole and happy. 224 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,640 They're cooking for them, making their bed, helping them get 225 00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,040 dressed in the morning. They're really big things. 226 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:03,280 And if we step back and actually show a bit of gratitude and be 227 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,600 thankful for the role they've taken on, maybe then we can try 228 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:09,920 to have a better relationship or at least for our child's sake, 229 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:11,840 show that we have a better relationship. 230 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,760 I guess that's so important for a little kids mind you know them 231 00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,920 at least seeing hey, all these parents of mine can actually get 232 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,560 on. If you feel comfortable sharing, 233 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:24,520 do you have a relationship with stepmom and what does that look 234 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:30,640 like? Stepmoms, how are you coping 235 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:33,200 with transition day? I'll tell you how I am. 236 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:38,160 I'm lighting my big ass candles to calm my big ass anxieties and 237 00:11:38,160 --> 00:11:40,680 honestly it changes the whole mood of the house. 238 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:44,320 Same chaos, just calmer vibes and way better energy. 239 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:48,360 We're obsessed with big ass candles from big ass luxuries. 240 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:52,640 Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. If you want to try one, use code 241 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:54,800 stepmom at checkout for a discount. 242 00:11:55,280 --> 00:12:00,080 That's code stepmom at checkout. Big ass candles because stepmom 243 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,160 life comes with big ass feelings. 244 00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,880 Look, no, we don't have any real relationship. 245 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:13,720 That's the truth of it. We don't hang out. 246 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:17,240 The first time we probably spent proper time together was about 247 00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,440 two weeks ago. My son started kindergarten, and 248 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,280 so he's at a new school. It's all very exciting. 249 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:24,520 And there was a sort of a parent night and we made the decision. 250 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,480 Normally it would just be us as parents who go. 251 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:29,680 So his dad and I, we would still go to school events and things 252 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,960 like that, but we made the decision that all four of us 253 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,440 should go because that would be very important to my son. 254 00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,280 We did that. We all sat together around a 255 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,680 little kindergarten table and sat through the presentation and 256 00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,880 we spoke. But look, and I know it might be 257 00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,360 controversial. I personally, for my reasons, 258 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:46,840 don't want to have a close relationship with her. 259 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,640 But I'm very much respect the fact that it can't be easy in 260 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,640 that house. I mean, I know what my son's 261 00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:53,120 like. I'm sure there are challenging 262 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,720 days. And I respect the fact that 263 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:57,280 she's taken that on. You know, she does everything 264 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:59,240 for him. He feels really safe with her 265 00:12:59,240 --> 00:13:01,680 because he speaks openly and happily about her. 266 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,640 And even in, you know, there have been personal circumstances 267 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,200 why maybe I don't want a relationship necessarily. 268 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,600 I will always speak positively about her at home. 269 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:12,600 And So what my partner will say, you know, what did you guys talk 270 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,880 about at dinner last night? How lucky are you when he says 271 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,880 something happy about her or her kids? 272 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,000 And I think if you do that, you're at least promoting a 273 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,640 healthy relationship between child and stepparent. 274 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:24,400 I think that's more important to me. 275 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,520 And as much as I'd love to have a nice relationship and look, 276 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,880 maybe one day, we're just not there yet. 277 00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,960 For me, it's more important for my child to have that special 278 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,960 relate and for him at least not to think, hey, there's something 279 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,800 wrong where these parents don't, you know, they dislike each 280 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,920 other. So I can't go between homes 281 00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:43,640 freely and chat and talk about my time in the other home and 282 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:45,360 what we're doing. Yeah. 283 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,840 OK. I just love that you said that 284 00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:50,360 because that's very real and that's very true and that's very 285 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:54,400 natural. Of course, I don't think I, you 286 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,560 might not know this, but we have a very high conflict situation. 287 00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:00,400 Becca's situation, though, is not the same. 288 00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:05,880 And she has one bio mom that she's like fairly close with and 289 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,280 one bio mom that is. That's just not the case. 290 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,760 So it's not always the evil stepmom. 291 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,480 But yeah, I think that that's so true. 292 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,520 See how, you know, if I ever separate from my husband, I 293 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,920 don't see wanting to be friends with my kids new stepmom. 294 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,720 That would just not be a thing. But I also would want to have 295 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:26,040 respect and, you know, understanding like you that I 296 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:27,640 think that that's very healthy and normal. 297 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:32,920 So from your experience and research, how does a Co 298 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,320 parenting relationship change over time? 299 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:38,760 Does it tend to get easier? Is it more complicated over 300 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,200 time? I know it's probably depending 301 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:42,000 on the situation of course. Yeah. 302 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,480 Look, I think it ultimately depends on the dynamics and when 303 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,960 you separate, right. So when you've got very young 304 00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:50,600 children, it's a much longer Co parenting journey, it's going to 305 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,840 take a lot more time. So you may have perfected that 306 00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,240 from the early stages. You know, you've got that 307 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:59,040 communication to unpack. You may even be doing birthdays 308 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:00,840 and Christmases together. Who knows? 309 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:04,760 Something will change when you've got 10 or 15 years up 310 00:15:04,760 --> 00:15:06,920 your sleeve. It might be the re partnering. 311 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:10,560 What I see mostly in my work and in my experiences, as soon as 312 00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:12,880 someone re partners, the dynamic shifts. 313 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,320 There's a breakdown in that Co parenting relationship, but 314 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:20,320 that's the opportunity perhaps to be able to restart and then 315 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:23,440 create the new rules and say, OK, it's a different dynamic now 316 00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:26,440 there's three of us or four of us, whatever it might be, what 317 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,480 are going to be our new, you know, communication protocols, 318 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,560 what boundaries? And I think the boundaries are 319 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:33,800 the big ones here. You don't need to know 320 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,360 everything that goes on in your child's other home. 321 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,840 And I see this in my work a lot. I got a long letter yesterday 322 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:43,000 from a lawyer about 6 pages and I thought, seriously, we did a 323 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,200 six page letter about this. Imagine what that cost to talk 324 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:48,480 about. I need to assess what the other 325 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,600 house is like. I want to know everything about 326 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,480 this step parent, their ex-husband, their children. 327 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,480 A long letter. And I said to myself, I 328 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,600 understand, right? As a mom, you want to know 329 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,680 what's going on when it's a safety issue 100%. 330 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:06,520 But I think we need to step back as humans and as adults and say 331 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:10,280 part of the anxiety is that need for control, that need to know 332 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,520 everything that's going on and that's natural. 333 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,080 And that will change over time. I mean, I experienced it 334 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:16,840 straight away. I used to think what's going on 335 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:18,080 over there? Is he OK? 336 00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,280 But as you learn to perhaps step back a little bit, have a little 337 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:24,120 faith, a little trust that things are OK, I think the 338 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:27,200 dynamic of that relationship becomes easier and perhaps the 339 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,800 conflict soften. But that's certainly something I 340 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,880 see. The other things I see obviously 341 00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:33,680 are as, you know, kids become teenagers. 342 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,800 The reality is sometimes a teenager isn't going to want to 343 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,400 see the other parent. It might be a weekend. 344 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:39,920 They're hanging out with their friends. 345 00:16:39,920 --> 00:16:42,120 They've got an event on, you know, they want to go out to a 346 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,720 party. That doesn't necessarily mean 347 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:48,040 that other parent is encouraging that, you know, straightaway. 348 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:50,600 So you're alienating the kid or you're not bringing the kid 349 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,680 over. No, we've got to stop using that 350 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:55,240 terminology. And I think maybe the problem 351 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:58,840 with social media sometimes is there's this psychology we 352 00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,560 learn, there are these phrases we learn and we start labeling 353 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,640 everything. And not everything's a label. 354 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,640 It could just be real life. It could just be a teenager 355 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,280 rebelling, saying I don't want to see dad. 356 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:11,280 And that might go on for a few weekends and it's tough and it 357 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,400 hurts. We, I don't want to see mom, 358 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,280 whatever it might be, but step back and say, all right, let's 359 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:17,480 figure out what's actually going on. 360 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:20,040 Let's talk to my kid. If they're a teenager, we should 361 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,400 be able to have a bit more of a real conversation, but give them 362 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,480 the space, let them breathe. Because as soon as you start 363 00:17:25,480 --> 00:17:27,920 going on the attack and you start arguing with that other 364 00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:30,680 parent, you're just creating such a bigger issue. 365 00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:33,560 And then little issues become bigger ones that turn into 366 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:36,680 really high conflict dynamics. And that's when you start seeing 367 00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,760 this real breakdown in relationships. 368 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:41,960 And then you start seeing children who become adults that 369 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:45,240 ultimately estranged from their families because they say, you 370 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:48,240 know, it was all too much. My parents divorced everything. 371 00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:50,680 It just ruined me a bit. Like this whole Brooklyn Beckham 372 00:17:50,680 --> 00:17:52,440 thing. His parents weren't divorced, 373 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,720 but it's the same thing. It's the toxicity within that 374 00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:57,960 family home that as an adult, they say, I don't want to be 375 00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,040 part of this anymore. You know, I'm an adult now. 376 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,400 I can make my own decisions. I'm going to take a bit of that 377 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,160 power back. So I think it's our job as 378 00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,960 parents. They're a Co parent, a step 379 00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,720 parent. Whatever you are, whatever role 380 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:12,080 you're playing in a child's life, you are designing their 381 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,600 adulthood. You have the power to really 382 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:18,120 shift and change how they experience family life and 383 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:20,960 parents, how they then, you know, go into adulthood. 384 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,800 When they get married, they parent that experience that, you 385 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:28,320 know, transcends. So yeah, I think it does change. 386 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,920 And most of the time I think Co parenting becomes easier. 387 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,960 But it's when those big ticket, you know, there's real moments 388 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,000 happen in life that we're challenged, that there will be a 389 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,640 breakdown and we've got to work through it. 390 00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,640 Definitely. Do you have like an example that 391 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:47,040 might come to mind of a family that did have maybe really 392 00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:52,240 difficult Co parenting dynamics? It started off really rough, but 393 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:54,160 maybe they eventually found rhythm. 394 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,320 Do you have an example or a family that comes to mind? 395 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,080 I see it all the time. Yeah. 396 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,160 And to be honest, I see it down the track. 397 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:07,160 So 3 and it sounds like a long time, but 3-4, five years later. 398 00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,240 And the reality of that, though, is you've got to remember, I do 399 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:13,320 work with a lot of high conflict families at the beginning, 400 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,640 because if you're with a family lawyer or a divorce lawyer, 401 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:17,760 you'll probably high conflict. There's a reason you're in 402 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:20,360 court. And I, much as I love my work 403 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,000 and you know, I'm awful lawyers where people need them. 404 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,920 Lawyers ruin families. We do because I think we 405 00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:28,560 encourage the conflict. You know, we we're the ones 406 00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:30,160 they're saying send that nasty letter. 407 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:32,280 You know, let's fight in court. Let's get all the dirt on the 408 00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,000 other person. And if you need to, sure, I 409 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,680 believe in it. I think they need off of it 410 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:39,480 sometimes it becomes like addictive. 411 00:19:40,240 --> 00:19:41,680 It does. And you've got certain lawyers 412 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,040 with personalities that they take on that whole matter. 413 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,160 And you say, hang on, are we arguing with each other? 414 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:48,760 It doesn't need to be personal. This is someone's life and their 415 00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:51,320 family. And so I often feel that if you 416 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,040 know, when people are out of that system and we're not going 417 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,480 through a fresh separation or divorce, we're away from lawyers 418 00:19:56,480 --> 00:20:00,400 and courts and orders and plans and people actually experience 419 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,240 real life, that's when Co parenting gets easier. 420 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,120 And that's when, you know, you really go on that journey and 421 00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:08,000 you start to understand what's involved. 422 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,600 You're, you know, going to school, you're sharing drop 423 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,040 offs, you're doing the lunch boxes and the uniforms. 424 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,760 And when you start allowing life to play out hopefully, and what 425 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:20,200 I see is it then becomes easier. I had a family I will never 426 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:23,400 forget, little boy, 2 parents and it was the worst Co 427 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:24,760 parenting relationship I've seen. 428 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:28,080 Dad had to be supervised for something like 3 years. 429 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,800 There were no risk issues, but mom was adamant. 430 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,520 It was just, it was terrible. I went through the court system. 431 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,440 We got some orders in place and I remember emailing him about 3 432 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:39,600 or 4 years later just, you know, had a special place because we 433 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,880 were together for so long in that, you know, lawyer client 434 00:20:41,880 --> 00:20:43,680 relationship. Well, from him saying I'm 435 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,040 actually in Disneyland, I remember for us Disneyland's 436 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,840 like 15 hours away. So that's a big thing because 437 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,880 I'm in Disneyland with my son. I thought there's no way she 438 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,560 would have allowed that. And he said we actually have 439 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,640 this beautiful Co parenting relationship. 440 00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:58,960 Now she's in America with her new husband. 441 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,640 I'm here with my kid at Disneyland. 442 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,640 We've made it all work with good friends. 443 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:04,520 Now, you know, we would get on very well. 444 00:21:04,520 --> 00:21:06,680 We're doing a shared arrangement, which was the 445 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,000 opposite of what had happened in court, you know, a couple of 446 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,160 years prior. And that touched me. 447 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,760 And I really thought things can change. 448 00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:16,720 And look, I'm not saying don't use lawyers and courts, but it 449 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:20,360 was so nice to hear that they were able to work through things 450 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:23,080 for the benefit of, you know, their little family as time went 451 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,320 on. That's great. 452 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:28,640 Those are such encouraging stories for I'm sure a lot of us 453 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:31,120 stepmoms and just Co parents in general. 454 00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:35,760 So thank you for sharing that. I do want to get into, you know, 455 00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:39,640 why we're here is the step parent aspect of it a little bit 456 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:43,800 more In your book you talk about the blurred line between step 457 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:47,280 parent and decision making or decision maker rather. 458 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:51,040 What does that actually look like in real life and in 459 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,520 everyday situations and can you share about that? 460 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:55,440 Yeah, that's, that's a good question. 461 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,200 And isn't it something that people are experiencing all day 462 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,560 every day? So we start looking at that, I 463 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,480 guess step parent relationship where that breakdown of the 464 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:06,680 relationship between maybe bio parent and step parent happens. 465 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:11,120 Is this blurring of the lines of are you 1 taking on my role? 466 00:22:11,120 --> 00:22:14,240 Are you making the decisions? And I think it's that perhaps 467 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:16,800 that cross between decisions and discipline. 468 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:18,840 And like I see it within my own home. 469 00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:22,280 It's really hard where you say, again, I don't know all the 470 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:26,000 answers, but you say how much discipline is too much 471 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,960 discipline? And as a, you know, as the bio 472 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:31,720 parent, I think you need to step into and, and have the respect 473 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,960 for this other person in your home and say, I'm going to, I 474 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,680 don't know if the right word is stick up or stand up, you know, 475 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:39,840 to them. But I've had a 5 year old and 476 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,400 he'll often say, you know, to my part, well, you're not the boss 477 00:22:42,400 --> 00:22:43,560 of me. My mom's the boss. 478 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:45,760 She makes the decisions and I'm like, oh God. 479 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:48,200 And it creates conflict. And I often say, you know, 480 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,520 you're an older man, he's 5. But you know what we have to 481 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:54,000 teach our kids from a young age 1, I guess you don't speak to 482 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,960 adults like that, but to you have two adults in this house 483 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,560 now. We both make the rules and the 484 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,680 decisions to an extent, obviously. 485 00:23:02,080 --> 00:23:05,840 And I will always be mum. And sure, I might make, I might 486 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:09,440 make particular rules, but this other adult is just as much a 487 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,920 parent in our home. And we're all home, like we're 488 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,640 all family together within this home. 489 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:16,160 And we need to have respect for everyone. 490 00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:18,720 And so we listen to everyone. And that might mean that if he 491 00:23:18,720 --> 00:23:21,280 says certain things like take your shoes off or put your plate 492 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:24,160 in the dishwasher, whatever it might be, you listen, you don't 493 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,280 say, well, my mom wouldn't make me do that, right? 494 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:28,960 So I guess it's having that discussion and it's hard. 495 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,520 But again, when you're entering into a relationship with someone 496 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:34,440 who has kids, I guess you need to be having those discussions 497 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:37,240 early on saying, well, what is my role going to be? 498 00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:41,080 And I think you need to from the outset sort of say, let's have 499 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:44,400 some boundaries in place as to, you know, the types of things 500 00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:46,360 that you know, we'll be doing together within the home. 501 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:48,720 We need to be on the same page with it when it comes to 502 00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:51,880 different discipline and perhaps also if it's possible, 503 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,400 communication with the other side, the Co parent, the other 504 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,920 family as well. And I would imagine that in my 505 00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,480 son's other home, they have their rules and both of them get 506 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:03,000 to discipline to an extent and make decisions and rules. 507 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,240 And that's OK too. But again, it's the 508 00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:07,960 communication across homes where you're saying to your child, 509 00:24:08,080 --> 00:24:10,920 when you're in that home, you listen to both of them and you 510 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,480 have respect for both of them. And that's really important. 511 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,640 But it is, it's that difficulty of how do you say to a child, I 512 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,880 now have to listen to this other adult who I haven't known as a 513 00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:24,280 parent who have come in and who I guess I'm learning to love 514 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:27,120 because a child didn't choose for that person to come in. 515 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:29,480 A parent fell in love and that's beautiful and they're allowed to 516 00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:31,240 do that. And I guess maybe that's why we 517 00:24:31,240 --> 00:24:33,080 take it easy in the early stages. 518 00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:35,120 I often get asked, but how quick is too quick? 519 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:37,280 And when you actually introduce this parent and when do you 520 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,920 bring them into the home? And there's no right answer. 521 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,280 For some people, it's three months. 522 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:43,000 For other people, it's three years, right? 523 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:46,280 It's going to come down to when is your child ready? 524 00:24:46,280 --> 00:24:48,920 So small baby steps of introducing this person. 525 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:52,040 And I genuinely believe that if you do it that way and if you 526 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:55,440 did it differently, sorry, but I think if you did do it in a 527 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:59,920 slow, focused child, you know, friendly approach, the child 528 00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,040 becomes more comfortable with that person too. 529 00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,800 It starts off with, OK, here's this new person, mom or dad 530 00:25:04,840 --> 00:25:07,320 friend. They then say, OK, mom or dad 531 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:09,120 love this person. We're spending a bit more time 532 00:25:09,120 --> 00:25:11,120 together. And as they slowly get to know 533 00:25:11,120 --> 00:25:13,120 you, perhaps that respect builds. 534 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,360 And I don't say respect in some controlling manner where, you 535 00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:17,920 know, we live in this perfect society. 536 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:19,720 We don't. Kids and adults will always 537 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:23,120 argue and you'll always have misbehavior within the home. 538 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:24,480 And it's hard. Kids are cheeky. 539 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:30,160 But I guess with that slow built up approach, I find personally 540 00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:33,280 that a kid will learn to, I don't want to use the word obey, 541 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:38,240 but obey or listen to or yeah, I guess be more open to, you know, 542 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:41,400 complying with the rules of this other person within the home, in 543 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,480 my experience. Yeah, that goes back to, we just 544 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:48,480 talked on this one actually last week too, about building trust 545 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:52,040 so that then they will, you know, feel like they can listen 546 00:25:52,040 --> 00:25:55,000 to you and obey you and I quote UN quote obey. 547 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:59,160 So why do you feel this role is so confusing for so many 548 00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:00,640 stepmoms? Obviously there's many 549 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:04,000 complexities, but what does it really come down to that becomes 550 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,320 so confusing and hard for us to. Yeah. 551 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:09,160 I guess first thing is what is my role within this house? 552 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:10,560 I mean, these aren't my children. 553 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,840 I mean, I've just come in perhaps to this family and it 554 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,640 will change obviously, as life evolves and time goes on. 555 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,920 But it's, you know, how much can I do? 556 00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,760 I don't want to overstep either. And then I guess it's that, 557 00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:24,680 isn't it that concern or that constant worry of I don't want 558 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:26,880 to ruin this relationship I now have with these kids. 559 00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:29,360 And I think a lot of stepparents then become the fun parent 560 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:31,760 because they want to have that great relationship and they want 561 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,240 to build that and they want to keep that. 562 00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,480 And as soon as you start becoming the street parent, 563 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:36,440 you're just like the other parent. 564 00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:39,280 You got the fun one anymore and you risk, oh, do I ruin that 565 00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:41,440 relationship? But then your relationship 566 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,840 really isn't built on the proper structure anyway. 567 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:47,480 And then I think as well, it's that constant concern of am I 568 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:50,800 going to get some, you know, series of abusive text messages 569 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,880 from the bio parent, you know, in the other home saying, what 570 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,040 are you doing? Don't speak to my child like 571 00:26:56,040 --> 00:26:57,600 that. How dare you put in place these 572 00:26:57,600 --> 00:26:59,000 rules. Why are you disciplining my 573 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,040 child? Who are you? 574 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:03,080 And my sister's a stepmom. She's got three-step kids. 575 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:06,120 She has had an incredibly challenging journey. 576 00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:07,720 They're all very beautiful and happy now. 577 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,560 But this has taken time. And she experienced that from 578 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:12,160 early on. Like, don't you dare get 579 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,280 involved. Don't you dare make decisions. 580 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,040 You know, these are our kids. We'll sort out how to deal with 581 00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:18,880 them. But that's hard too because she 582 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:20,440 said, well, I live in this house now. 583 00:27:20,760 --> 00:27:22,160 You know, this is my house. I'm married. 584 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:25,200 I now have a baby too. So I'm going to sort of assert 585 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,920 myself and say in my house, this is the way things go. 586 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,440 And sometimes you do need to be tough with kids. 587 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:33,400 As hard as it is, if you want to be in this house, this is how we 588 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:35,360 do it. And kids have to start making 589 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:38,440 decisions when they're old enough to where, you know, going 590 00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:42,680 between homes is hard, but you need to learn to be able to, I 591 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:44,600 guess, get on with both sets of parents. 592 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:46,520 And I guess to use that word, respect. 593 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,560 Again, when I'm in this house, this is how they do things. 594 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:53,120 And I don't get to get away with things and act up simply because 595 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,880 I have separated parents, right? I think there's a lot of that 596 00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:59,560 victim mentality and kids of I'm going to play my parents off one 597 00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:02,600 another or my step parents off one another because hey, I'm the 598 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:04,400 one who has this life and I didn't choose it. 599 00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:06,800 You know kids need discipline too. 600 00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:09,120 Becca and I are nodding our heads aggressively. 601 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:14,440 Like I get, I stay in my kid too, and you know, it's my job 602 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:17,720 to teach him. Yes, I like how you mentioned 603 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:22,040 that, you know, sometimes the stepchild will kind of maybe 604 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:26,760 subconsciously fall into that victim role because like you 605 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:30,720 said, they didn't choose this. However, there still needs to 606 00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:33,920 be, you know, rules and consequences and respect for 607 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:36,960 authority. So I really like that you, you 608 00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:39,760 know, touched on that. I think going back to your 609 00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:43,560 sister, as much as you're willing to share what happened 610 00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:48,240 in that relationship that made the situation be what it is 611 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:50,280 today because you said that it is a lot. 612 00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:54,680 Better now number one and two, doing the hard work. 613 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:59,720 And I think that both the actual bio parents in that dynamic had 614 00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:02,360 to do that hard work. A lot of therapy, a lot of 615 00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:06,240 family therapy, a lot of working through background issues. 616 00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:09,600 And I think it's once you do that and you actually start 617 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,680 acknowledging it's not so much about us, it's about our kids. 618 00:29:12,680 --> 00:29:16,280 And I remember going to these kids, my step nephew and nieces, 619 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:20,040 I guess their soccer games, and you'd have parents on opposite 620 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:23,560 sides of the, you know, in large dispute, kids not knowing which 621 00:29:23,560 --> 00:29:26,040 parent to run to because it was so high conflict. 622 00:29:26,040 --> 00:29:28,640 And I'd sort of stand there with my sister being like, I don't 623 00:29:28,640 --> 00:29:31,000 even want to be here. This is an awkward situation and 624 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:34,520 I feel sorry for these kids. But now, you know, they'll be 625 00:29:34,520 --> 00:29:36,520 Facetiming each parent in front of each other. 626 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:38,200 I'll be there. We're all talking about both 627 00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:39,920 parents. And in my head I'm thinking, 628 00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:42,080 God, this is different like to a couple of years ago. 629 00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:44,040 I'm so confused. Am I meant to like mom? 630 00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:46,120 Do I not like mom? Which side of my own? 631 00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:49,360 And it's it's all very odd. But I think it's nice that they 632 00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:52,320 could work through it with therapy and with doing work and 633 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,320 with being child focused. And I know it sounds easy and, 634 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:58,120 you know, not everyone's open to it, but I'm a huge believer in 635 00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:01,480 family therapy. I think if you can at least have 636 00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:04,680 parents who are willing to do it and be open to it, and that 637 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,080 doesn't mean or going there, sitting down together, holding 638 00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:10,680 hands most of the time it's going there individually, doing 639 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:14,160 that hard work and allowing that person to then, you know, share 640 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:17,000 the experiences with that other person to help you sort of 641 00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:19,480 rebuild and reconnect. And that can be really important 642 00:30:19,480 --> 00:30:23,360 and valuable. Tell me, like, why do you think 643 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:27,280 families fall into that pattern that we were talking about that 644 00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:30,680 becomes kind of toxic? Is there something that you see 645 00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:33,640 that's happening over and over again that we need to kind of 646 00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:37,240 stop doing ourselves how we can help the situation? 647 00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:40,160 I think it's just it's human behavior. 648 00:30:40,160 --> 00:30:43,520 It's that grief, it's that, you know, it's that emotional roller 649 00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:47,040 coaster of again, I've lost my family and this other person's 650 00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:49,240 now entered my family and I didn't choose that. 651 00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:53,120 And it's that loss of control. I have absolutely no control 652 00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:56,320 over my ex anymore. I don't get to see or say or, 653 00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:59,920 you know, have any role in what they're doing in their house. 654 00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:02,640 And there's this new person and all of a sudden, isn't it? 655 00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:04,920 Isn't it that I'm trying to think of the word? 656 00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:07,280 It's, it's that it's that natural instinct where you say, 657 00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:08,400 I'm not going to like this person. 658 00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:09,680 I don't have to like this person. 659 00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,360 They've come into my life. They're taking over my family. 660 00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:14,040 And I get it. It's natural. 661 00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:16,240 It's behavior and it's our emotions. 662 00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:18,680 So it's when you do your own work and your own, I guess, 663 00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:23,640 healing that it makes it easier. So perhaps it's as a stepparent 664 00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,720 remembering or hang on, this person's probably grieving to an 665 00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:28,400 entire life they thought they had. 666 00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:31,840 We'll cut them a bit of slack. That's not to excuse toxic 667 00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:34,280 behavior, challenging behavior, that's not on either. 668 00:31:34,680 --> 00:31:37,760 But try from the out since I've got to put myself in their shoes 669 00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:41,400 to probably be the jealousy too. And it's not direct jealousy and 670 00:31:41,400 --> 00:31:44,280 that I'm jealous of you as a person, but I'm jealous of the 671 00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:46,440 fact that I couldn't perhaps make it work. 672 00:31:46,520 --> 00:31:48,880 And now you're making it work with this person, this person 673 00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:50,840 who I thought was so terrible that I couldn't be with them 674 00:31:50,840 --> 00:31:52,880 anymore. But hey, he couldn't be that bad 675 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:55,200 if you're happy and you're in love and you know, you're out 676 00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:58,360 enjoying life. So it's that mix of emotions 677 00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:00,520 you're going through. And then I guess as a step 678 00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:03,000 parent too, you've got to say I've got to set my own 679 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,320 boundaries too because I can't imagine how incredibly 680 00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:07,920 challenging it could be. And I often say to my partner, I 681 00:32:07,920 --> 00:32:09,680 couldn't have done what you did. And that's true. 682 00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:12,480 I don't think I have the personality or the strength to 683 00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:15,960 take the responsibility for someone else's child because it 684 00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:19,040 is that constant, that feeling in your tummy of, you know, are 685 00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:21,160 you walking on egg shells around your own home? 686 00:32:21,160 --> 00:32:22,680 That's not a way to live life either. 687 00:32:22,680 --> 00:32:25,040 You don't want to, you know, be nervous in your own home. 688 00:32:25,040 --> 00:32:27,920 So I think it's just understanding and trying to step 689 00:32:27,920 --> 00:32:31,040 back and look at each other's perspectives, how each person 690 00:32:31,040 --> 00:32:34,280 might be feeling and for help. Perhaps that helps fix that 691 00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:36,480 problem in the conflict and that dynamic. 692 00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:39,960 Thank you. I love how you talked about 693 00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:45,240 stepmoms or step parents rather coming from a place with empathy 694 00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,440 because I think empathy goes a long way. 695 00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:51,080 And it's super difficult for us stepmoms sometimes to have 696 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:54,000 empathy because we're like, we're packing the lunches, we're 697 00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:55,880 doing this, we're doing everything. 698 00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:58,680 And our stepchild still at the end of the day says you're not 699 00:32:58,680 --> 00:32:59,840 my mom. You can't tell me what to do. 700 00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:04,440 So it's a really, really difficult position we're in. 701 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:08,600 However, I like that you, you know, are challenging us to 702 00:33:08,600 --> 00:33:12,880 maybe reframe our thinking so that maybe we do have a little 703 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:16,240 bit more empathy fee for bio mom and hopefully that will make the 704 00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:19,920 the relationship better. Our last question on this 705 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:24,960 subject is how do you think our partners can support their 706 00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:29,080 spouse in the household when they feel like, you know what 707 00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:32,720 I'm doing all of these things, these responsibilities, but you 708 00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:36,240 know, I don't have authority. I'm more like an unpaid manager 709 00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:39,200 of this household. How can partners best support 710 00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:41,600 their spouse in this way? Yeah, you're entirely right 711 00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:43,160 there. I think that's how relationships 712 00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:46,200 fall, Part 2, because you almost become a sort of business 713 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:48,960 partners, you know what I mean? We're working together in this 714 00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,400 household and we're doing all the jobs and the operational 715 00:33:51,400 --> 00:33:54,280 things we need to do. But that connection goes because 716 00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:57,160 you don't feel supported. And that's the number one thing 717 00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:58,960 you can do. It's just the support. 718 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:03,000 So it's, I guess, framing to your child that we are both on 719 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:06,000 the same page here. It's not dad, you know, as being 720 00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:08,480 my parent and this other person within the house who makes your 721 00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:11,880 lunches, who takes you to school, who's there for you, but 722 00:34:11,880 --> 00:34:13,639 doesn't have any authority within the home. 723 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:15,080 No. And I suppose when you're 724 00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:17,360 sitting at the kitchen bench and you've got a kid who says, well, 725 00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:20,080 you're not the boss of me or I'm not going to eat that sandwich 726 00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:22,239 you just made because it's something that I don't like, 727 00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:24,800 it's dad then stepping in saying no, no, no, no, no. 728 00:34:24,800 --> 00:34:27,199 You treat, you know, however, whatever name they call you, 729 00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:29,920 however it works with respect, you listen to them. 730 00:34:30,159 --> 00:34:32,920 They have just as much authority in this house as I do. 731 00:34:33,199 --> 00:34:36,080 And I think it's the role of that bio parent within the home 732 00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:40,040 to, you know, create those rules and to really implement them and 733 00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:43,520 to show the child that there's unity because it's a bio parent 734 00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:45,840 isn't sticking out for you, particularly in front of your 735 00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:48,199 child or the the other parent, the other home. 736 00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:50,000 You're never going to adapt. You're never going to grow in 737 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:52,840 that, you know, that family and a child won't perhaps have that 738 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:55,040 respect because they're not being taught to. 739 00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:58,000 They're not, you know, learning that these parents support one 740 00:34:58,000 --> 00:34:59,360 another, they're on the same page. 741 00:34:59,360 --> 00:35:02,200 So I really do think it comes down to the bio parent within 742 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:06,160 the home to step up to support, but not just support you behind 743 00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:09,480 closed doors publicly and openly and in front of children. 744 00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:12,760 I'm so glad you touched on that because I completely, I always 745 00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:16,840 forget and we talked about this many times, but my husband and I 746 00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:18,760 do that too and we totally believe in that. 747 00:35:18,840 --> 00:35:21,160 But I forget to mention that to our step home listeners. 748 00:35:21,160 --> 00:35:25,720 So let me get into a few of these questions because they 749 00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:28,400 were so many when you kind of shot it out there that we were 750 00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:31,240 going to be talking with you. So there's one that I think I 751 00:35:31,240 --> 00:35:34,480 can touch on cuz I think we've already this one says bio mom 752 00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:37,840 isn't high conflict, just low effort how to deal when 753 00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:41,440 everything falls on US school appointments and extra stuff. 754 00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:44,920 And I know you probably are going to just say like, take 755 00:35:44,920 --> 00:35:46,880 advantage of that, take full advantage, right? 756 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:50,320 And like, you know, there's right, we don't want to go to 757 00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:53,680 court to like say, hey, you need to take over half of the kids 758 00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:56,320 life. And Becca is one that kind of 759 00:35:56,320 --> 00:35:59,600 have had a similar issue where she's had a lot put on her 760 00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:01,960 plate. And so do you think that that's 761 00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:05,560 just something, you know, they need to just do for the kids 762 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:07,960 sake? It's a hard 1 and I guess no you 763 00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:09,680 shouldn't. And I do hear about this a lot 764 00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:12,280 from a kids perspective. I think you keep doing it 765 00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:14,800 because you're making their life easier And look, you didn't go 766 00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:17,480 into a family to make a child's life easier, but that probably 767 00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:20,760 comes part and parcel with it. But at the same time, perhaps it 768 00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:23,720 is that communication and you need to open up some sort of 769 00:36:23,720 --> 00:36:27,280 communication channel where you can say I can't keep carrying 770 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:29,560 the full load. Can we work out a dynamic where 771 00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:32,080 we share whatever it might be, the medical appointments or the 772 00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:35,320 dropping off from activities and can we find a way to do it 773 00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:37,680 better and more equally? And if you don't have that 774 00:36:37,680 --> 00:36:40,640 relationship or it's not possible, perhaps that falls a 775 00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:44,000 little bit then on the bio parent too, because it shouldn't 776 00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:46,920 all fall to you. That will cause issues in your 777 00:36:46,920 --> 00:36:50,680 own new family too, but again, it's going to come down to the 778 00:36:50,680 --> 00:36:52,440 dynamic of your particular family. 779 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:55,080 I just wouldn't create huge conflict over it because it's 780 00:36:55,080 --> 00:36:57,120 not going to benefit a child. Thank you. 781 00:36:57,760 --> 00:37:01,040 OK, So this is more of like a situation based question. 782 00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:05,080 One of our stepmoms wrote in and said they have a very high 783 00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:09,040 conflict bio mom and they have a school event coming up. 784 00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:12,480 So they just wanted advice or input on how to kind of navigate 785 00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:14,160 that and I was kind of interested to see what you would 786 00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:15,800 say as well. Quote UN quote. 787 00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:16,760 My advice? Oh yeah. 788 00:37:17,680 --> 00:37:20,360 She wrote SSI. Say these all the time and it's 789 00:37:20,360 --> 00:37:23,920 a controversial one because child focused me says put the 790 00:37:23,920 --> 00:37:26,240 kid 1st. And if it's going to create huge 791 00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:29,200 conflict at a school event or any event, a birthday party, a 792 00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:32,520 sporting match, not that you should feel like you can't go, 793 00:37:32,800 --> 00:37:35,720 but if it is going to create that conflict, I often say is 794 00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:38,440 the best thing to not go to that particular event. 795 00:37:38,440 --> 00:37:40,760 So this kid can go to the event and feel comfortable. 796 00:37:40,960 --> 00:37:43,040 Because the last thing you want from a kid to is to have that 797 00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:46,280 constant anxiety within their tummy of saying, oh, I'm going 798 00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:48,240 to have everyone there. It's going to be disaster. 799 00:37:48,240 --> 00:37:51,280 I'm just not going to go or I'm going to retreat away, right? 800 00:37:51,480 --> 00:37:53,600 It's not healthy and you shouldn't teach a kid that 801 00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:56,200 that's how you get through your anxiety and your concern. 802 00:37:56,320 --> 00:38:00,440 Or I guess the easier option is everyone man and become mature 803 00:38:00,440 --> 00:38:02,920 and be adults and learn how to sit in the same room. 804 00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:04,680 And again, you don't have to sit together. 805 00:38:04,680 --> 00:38:07,600 Very few Co parents, step parents, splendid families end 806 00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:09,760 up sitting together. It might be that some of you 807 00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:12,480 choose to sit at the front, some of you choose to sit towards the 808 00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:14,800 back and you have good boundaries and protocols in 809 00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:18,360 place, which might be let's not approach our child altogether if 810 00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:20,480 that's going to create conflict or it's going to cause him or 811 00:38:20,480 --> 00:38:22,960 her to feel uncomfortable. Let's put in place a, you know, 812 00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:25,640 a rule of after the school event, we already know who's 813 00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:28,440 taking this kid home or to dinner or whatever it might be. 814 00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:32,160 If you pre plan and you have those rule in place, it should 815 00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:34,240 make it easier. But the biggest thing is if 816 00:38:34,240 --> 00:38:37,360 you're going to go go, do not create conflict. 817 00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:40,040 Shut your mouth. And if bio mom is going to 818 00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:41,800 create that conflict, just walk away. 819 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:43,920 Don't engage, don't encourage it. 820 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:46,560 Don't create a scene. Do it at home behind closed 821 00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:48,240 doors, all you like. Ring up a friend, ring your 822 00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:51,440 sister, vent, but do not involve that child or let them see 823 00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:54,600 what's going on. OK, so I have one last question 824 00:38:54,600 --> 00:38:57,000 I think we have time for and then if you want to just kind of 825 00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:00,880 answer that and then give us the one piece for stepmoms to take 826 00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:02,760 away. If you have one like cherry on 827 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:05,080 top that they can just write down, you know, stick on the 828 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:07,320 windshield and go with for the week. 829 00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:10,440 But this question, I do want to slide in some time for Becca. 830 00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:13,920 I know short on time, she's like our clock woman. 831 00:39:14,520 --> 00:39:17,840 OK, so this one says tips for resisting the urge to be pulled 832 00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:20,080 back in when she seems to be playing nice. 833 00:39:20,200 --> 00:39:22,920 Boundaries, right? I guess the reality is if you 834 00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:26,040 know that they're playing nice is for a reason, it might be, 835 00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:28,720 you know, she's going on a holiday and you know that she 836 00:39:28,720 --> 00:39:30,280 needs the extra help while she's away. 837 00:39:30,280 --> 00:39:33,680 These dynamics they have and they come up, it's having that 838 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:36,680 boundary place as saying I will be open to having a nice 839 00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:39,840 relationship if it's there, particularly from doing it for 840 00:39:39,840 --> 00:39:41,680 these children. And I'm modeling that really 841 00:39:41,680 --> 00:39:44,160 respectful, mature adult behavior for them. 842 00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:46,720 But maybe, yeah, don't get sucked in. 843 00:39:46,720 --> 00:39:48,520 Know that there's still going to be this boundary. 844 00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:50,160 You still have two separate family. 845 00:39:50,560 --> 00:39:52,480 You have your life. They have their life in that 846 00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:55,080 other home. And yes, I'll be available. 847 00:39:55,080 --> 00:39:58,240 And yes, we can communicate, we can be friendly, but I'm still 848 00:39:58,240 --> 00:40:00,320 me and I'm still going to do things the way I want. 849 00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:02,720 You're not going to shift the way I create rules within my 850 00:40:02,720 --> 00:40:05,920 home or the level of discipline because you don't want that 851 00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:08,680 either to become, you know, it could be becoming friendly. 852 00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:11,480 So you start doing things the way I like them, or so I can 853 00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:13,800 start finding out everything that's going on in the home. 854 00:40:14,480 --> 00:40:17,240 You know, for my own queries and what I'm wondering. 855 00:40:17,240 --> 00:40:20,280 So it's yeah, it's just I guess keeping that, that boundary up 856 00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:23,400 and look, it's great if you can have a fantastic relationship, 857 00:40:23,440 --> 00:40:27,400 go for it is so important. And if you can make it work, my 858 00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:29,480 hats off to you. Like that is fantastic. 859 00:40:29,560 --> 00:40:32,160 And then I guess when you say one piece of advice, I mean, 860 00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:36,040 firstly I put a say I commend like I'm in awe of any person 861 00:40:36,040 --> 00:40:39,080 who is a step parent. It is a hard job. 862 00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:42,080 I cannot imagine being responsible for someone else's 863 00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:44,520 child and then not being appreciated for it. 864 00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:48,280 Half the time I get it by kids or being told off by kids, being 865 00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:51,560 told you're not my parent, that's challenging or not having 866 00:40:51,560 --> 00:40:54,400 your pet, you know, your partner or husband, wife, whatever, step 867 00:40:54,400 --> 00:40:56,880 up and support you. And that might just be because 868 00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:59,240 they don't see it. They forget that they need to 869 00:40:59,240 --> 00:41:01,880 show you that support. And it's not just behind closed 870 00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:04,200 doors, it's in front of kids and in front of other people. 871 00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:05,560 And I think that is so important. 872 00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:09,120 And we spoke about it before, but for me, I think that really 873 00:41:09,120 --> 00:41:10,640 is the biggest part of all of it. 874 00:41:11,200 --> 00:41:14,440 I guess my advice really is just stay flexible where you can. 875 00:41:14,440 --> 00:41:17,360 There's a need for, you know, being rigid within life. 876 00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:20,800 But living in a blended family, living in a Co parenting family, 877 00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:24,000 any sort of different family with its own new rules is hard. 878 00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:26,640 So be a little bit flexible. Things will change. 879 00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:30,760 We need to continuously be adaptable to change, whether 880 00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:33,440 it's kids growing up, whether it's the step parent dynamic, 881 00:41:33,440 --> 00:41:36,120 whatever it might be. We're all going through an 882 00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:40,160 emotional journey ourselves. It is hard to be flexible and 883 00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:42,960 yeah, be open into therapy. That would be my biggest thing. 884 00:41:43,200 --> 00:41:47,280 Thank you so much and thank you so much for sharing so much of 885 00:41:47,280 --> 00:41:50,440 your insight and knowledge today with our listeners. 886 00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:55,120 This was so fun for me and Alyssa to listen to too. 887 00:41:55,120 --> 00:41:59,640 And we are. So yes, it was very therapeutic. 888 00:41:59,640 --> 00:42:02,000 So thank you for being with us here today. 889 00:42:02,000 --> 00:42:05,240 And before we log off, can you go ahead and tell listeners 890 00:42:05,240 --> 00:42:07,520 where to find you and your work? Yeah, absolutely. 891 00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:10,760 So Instagram, I share a lot of videos and tips and things. 892 00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:14,920 That's at the Gabriella Pomari and my website. 893 00:42:14,920 --> 00:42:17,680 I've got a lot of free tools. I just put out a high conflict 894 00:42:17,680 --> 00:42:19,240 Co parenting guide. It's free. 895 00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:20,920 Put me an e-mail, I'll send you a copy. 896 00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:22,960 I've got a free E communication guide. 897 00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:25,640 So how to communicate better than a family and a particular 898 00:42:25,640 --> 00:42:28,440 Co parent reset too. They're all free resources. 899 00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:33,760 So www.thecollaborativecoparent.com 900 00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:36,200 and yeah, take advantage of that. 901 00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:38,760 It was lots of fun. So thank you for having me on. 902 00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:41,480 I kind of feel healed a little bit too, speaking about all of 903 00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:44,600 that. I think we all wish you were the 904 00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:47,560 bio mom we had that could appreciate us on the sidelines. 905 00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:48,040 Right now. Oh. 906 00:42:48,600 --> 00:42:51,240 You're well. Thank you so much, Gabriella. 907 00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:53,800 Thanks, I'll hang out but I'll leave it. 908 00:42:54,240 --> 00:42:56,360 That's it for this week on Stepmom Side Chats. 909 00:42:56,680 --> 00:42:59,320 We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties. 910 00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:03,120 Before you go, if something we said hit a little close to home, 911 00:43:03,840 --> 00:43:07,400 go ahead and hit Follow now so you don't miss future episodes 912 00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:09,880 and share with another stepmom to help us grow. 913 00:43:10,240 --> 00:43:13,280 If you want to connect between episodes, follow us on Instagram 914 00:43:13,360 --> 00:43:16,400 Stepmomsidechats and send us what you want us to chat about 915 00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:18,240 next. Keep giving yourself grace. 916 00:43:18,240 --> 00:43:19,520 You're doing better than you think. 917 00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:21,040 We'll chat with you all soon.