1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,640 Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats. 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:11,280 We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. 3 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,720 Who are done pretending everything's perfect. 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,160 This is where we talk boundaries, Co parenting, hard 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,360 truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud. 6 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,240 If you're ready for real talk, real growth and a little bit of 7 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:27,280 spice, let's get into it. Welcome to Season 2. 8 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:29,960 We are so, so excited for the season. 9 00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,680 Then just we are so bad. So back. 10 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:37,000 We are so back. You know, the nervous systems, 11 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,920 they're they're regulate and still we took a break. 12 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,040 Seriously. Yeah, we took a break just so 13 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:46,240 that we would be able to, you know, do more research, bring 14 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:48,880 you all some really good guests for the season. 15 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:53,120 This is going to be so amazing. We are so, so excited about the 16 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,280 different guests that we're going to have this season and 17 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:58,520 just the content in general that we're going to have. 18 00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,080 It's it's going to be. It's going to be. 19 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:03,720 Great. Just know the wait was worth it. 20 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:05,560 It's going to we have a lot of fun stuff planned. 21 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:09,640 We did work on the break, so we recorded a few episodes. 22 00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:14,360 We have these seriously amazing guests plan to come and speak 23 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,200 and I'm so excited for everyone to hear. 24 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,040 I just want to launch a million episodes in one week. 25 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:23,200 So without further ado, let's just like RIP into it. 26 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:27,680 Let's go with this week. We wanted to talk about that 27 00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:32,760 exact moment that we both realized this was absolutely not 28 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,440 what we signed up for. Where was our thirty day trial? 29 00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:37,880 Yes. Where's my refund? 30 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:42,200 Where is my refund? Yeah no, no refunds allowed. 31 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:43,280 No. So like Alyssa? 32 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:46,280 Just said today we're going to talk about the moments that I 33 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:49,520 feel like a lot of, you know, us stepmoms, we realized, and this 34 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:52,600 is not what I signed up for, this is not what I thought it 35 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,920 was. And and yeah, we're just going 36 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:58,600 to kind of, you know, dig deeper into what that looks like. 37 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,400 I guess. Alyssa, you go first. 38 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:02,360 What? Let's just jump right into it. 39 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,840 What's like a moment that you have that you're like, Oh my 40 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:08,320 gosh, this is not what I thought it was going to be like. 41 00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:10,600 Like, does any come to mind? I have a couple. 42 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:13,600 So I don't know if you have one that that comes to mind right 43 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,360 off the bat. One exact moment, there were a 44 00:02:16,360 --> 00:02:20,520 few like you said to where in over time it became this 45 00:02:20,520 --> 00:02:24,400 accumulation of things that I'm like, I guess I missed these 46 00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:27,320 warning signs or the red flags. Maybe they were like yellow 47 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:32,440 flags and looking back, I mean, there were ways that maybe the 48 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:37,160 ex would talk about me and I kind of would write it off as 49 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:40,960 like, oh, you know, this is just because I'm the girlfriend or 50 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,400 something. And like, if I get married, then 51 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,640 she'll see that I'm serious and I'm here to care for the kids, 52 00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:50,160 you know, and like she would say I'm playing house, but I'm not 53 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:52,640 like, I actually want this, you know, life. 54 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:58,080 And no, I don't think that she got any better when I got 55 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,280 married. So that didn't fix it. 56 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,120 And that's probably a bad idea. Well, let's just fix this by 57 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,800 getting married. But there were so many things to 58 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:10,840 have, like everyone around me saying, giving these ideas and 59 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:16,200 unsolicited advice that really hurt me because I took those on 60 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,360 and I was like, OK, I'll do all, I'll do this, I'll do all these 61 00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,960 things. And then it was, it became too 62 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,280 much. It was too heavy. 63 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,840 And it was a big burden to do all these things and to go over 64 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:28,440 and above and be supportive and be helpful and make the 65 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:32,160 schedules and, you know, be there for the, the school things 66 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:33,960 with the kids and all their artwork. 67 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:37,320 And, you know, my gosh, it was just overwhelming. 68 00:03:37,320 --> 00:03:39,880 And that's when I was like, OK, this is a lot. 69 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:41,160 And I'm not going to get a thank you. 70 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:42,880 I'm not going to get glad you were there. 71 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,600 I, no one warned me about that one. 72 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,560 And that one really burned when it happened. 73 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,200 It's definitely no I. Yeah, I can even think of a 74 00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:54,880 moment this week actually in my household where that burned. 75 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,240 So yeah, no, I completely understand what you're saying. 76 00:03:57,240 --> 00:03:58,520 I think. I don't know. 77 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,880 I don't know why this moment just comes to mind. 78 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,560 People are going to laugh at me so hard. 79 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:05,600 Oh, I love you. So what happened is it was like 80 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:11,120 the first summer that my now husband, all his kids came to 81 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:15,320 the house for all summer, right? At this time, the oldest, we 82 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:19,320 didn't have full time and so he just came for the summer as 83 00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:21,680 well. So it was all three kids all 84 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,720 summer long, right? And you know, we were all 85 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:24,840 hanging out at my husband's house. 86 00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,800 I still had my own house at this time, but I was pretty much 87 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,600 living there, right? You know, all you stepmoms get 88 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:31,720 it. You know, we wanted to 89 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:33,360 Playhouse. We get it, yeah. 90 00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:37,200 We wanted to play it. So I was there and I remember so 91 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:40,680 distinctly I was like, washing dishes because that's time. 92 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,160 I don't know why, but my husband's house that he was 93 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:44,640 renting didn't have a dishwasher. 94 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:48,160 Like, oh, OK. And so I was hand washing dishes 95 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:51,320 and it was like in the middle of summer and I live in Las Vegas. 96 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:54,120 It's so hot. And I was like, this is 97 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,800 horrible. I'm literally washing dishes 98 00:04:57,040 --> 00:05:00,320 24/7. There's kids screaming around 99 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:02,960 and I'm just like, I get very oversimulated guys. 100 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,680 I don't know if ever anyone else is like this, but it's like, I 101 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,360 don't know why I became a stepmom because it's just kids 102 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,040 times 20 and they're just kids, right? 103 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:11,520 It's not their fault. But it was like. 104 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,000 Kids are screaming and it's someone else's kids. 105 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,280 And I'm like, that sounds horrible. 106 00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:20,400 I remember texting my mom being like, ha ha, like, you know, and 107 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,640 obviously she had some like words of wisdom to say at the 108 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,360 time, but I remember that was like one of the times that I 109 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:28,400 realized one of money. And then obviously there were 110 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:32,360 other things like where I would do so much for said step kid. 111 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:36,480 And then later on, maybe that day or even like a week later, 112 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,800 they would be talking so much about how they love their mom, 113 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,560 which I'm not saying they shouldn't love their mom. 114 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,280 So disclaimer, no one come for me. 115 00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:47,520 OK, But I was like, I didn't expect it how you said to like 116 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:49,720 burn so bad. I'm like, wait, what? 117 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,560 Like, but I'm the one doing your dentist appointments. 118 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:55,680 I'm the one who's here everyday, I'm the one who's doing this and 119 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:57,560 it like. Am I the mom? 120 00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,480 Am I not mom? Yeah. 121 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:02,560 And so I was like, Oh, well, my step kids going to see that and, 122 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:05,280 and I'm going to be not their favorite, but like, I guess I'm 123 00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:08,840 going to be chosen. I guess, you know, and I've been 124 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,320 researching a lot about like child attachment theory and 125 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:14,560 stuff and how it like aligns to being a stepmom and it all goes 126 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:17,000 together. Another teaser for this season. 127 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,720 Hopefully we have time to touch on that. 128 00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,840 But I just like wanted to feel chosen so badly. 129 00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:25,680 I think like subconsciously and they didn't like choose me at 130 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:30,160 the end, which, you know, research is clear that that that 131 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:32,320 is true. The loyalty vine like they want 132 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:35,440 their mom no matter what. But like you said, I just I 133 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:38,600 didn't expect it to burn as much as I thought it would. 134 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:40,640 And I was like, this is not what I thought it was going to be 135 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:41,360 like. Yeah. 136 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,760 So expectations were not reality for either one of us and for it 137 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,760 sounds like almost all of our like followers. 138 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,680 So the expectation versus reality to me was like a big 139 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,800 hit. I think I expected a certain 140 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:57,360 thing and maybe some people expect that it's going to just 141 00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:00,840 be like this and they think that that, you know, because of all 142 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:05,520 the evil stepmoms and Disney making it like it's just a no 143 00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:08,560 one ever left their stepmom. Maybe some people went into it 144 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,680 thinking that's how it's going to be. 145 00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,560 I don't hear a lot of people telling us like that. 146 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:17,040 Like I thought that there would be more support. 147 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:19,800 I think it's my biggest thing. I thought there would be support 148 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,080 coming out of the wazoo, people coming out of the woodworks 149 00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:25,520 like, oh, so I'm here for you. I totally get it and I'm here 150 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:28,520 and I support you and you being in a blended family is hard. 151 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:32,400 Let me help it go smoothly. People helping us physically, 152 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:35,400 like support by like let me take the kids for the weekend. 153 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:38,280 Let me bring you some meals because now this every other 154 00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:41,800 week you have 4 kids or like I had a kiddo in the hospital a 155 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:44,120 year ago, you know, for two weeks. 156 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:49,160 And I guess I'm expecting and I kind of assumed you get more 157 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:51,160 support because people understand. 158 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,160 But the reality is people don't understand. 159 00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:56,000 They don't understand if you're not a stepmom, you don't get it, 160 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,040 which is what we kind of realized with one of our most 161 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:03,080 recent Instagram posts. It was a clear cut line down the 162 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,440 middle. People either got it or they 163 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:09,080 just didn't get it. And for some things in stepmom 164 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:12,120 life, they just click. We all experience it the same. 165 00:08:12,120 --> 00:08:14,480 We all see it and hear and smell it the same. 166 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,160 And if you're not a stepmom, you just don't get it. 167 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,440 OK, Becca's laughing again. You laughing at my well. 168 00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,760 You said you just. Don't it doesn't smell out here. 169 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:26,440 I'm like stepmom, stepmom. No, no, Alyssa is completely 170 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,320 right. I think I thought the same thing 171 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:30,800 too. I think what I really like my 172 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:34,880 expectation was is that I was just going to be so appreciative 173 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:39,240 by the bio mom especially. I was like, they are going to 174 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,200 love me. I'm going like, I really thought 175 00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:47,040 that literally jokes on you, you know, you know, and I just 176 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,200 thought that they were just going to be so appreciative and 177 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:52,880 not just obviously not the experience that I think most of 178 00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,880 stepmoms have. And, and like you said, I think 179 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:59,600 like with the help, I kind of envisioned that as well. 180 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:03,360 I am lucky that my mom was a stepmom growing up. 181 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:10,080 So she like 120% gets it. Yeah, you have someone that gets 182 00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:11,120 it. I forget about that. 183 00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:15,120 I mean, my mom is amazing. She gets it because she get me. 184 00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:18,280 But it took her a long time to be like, oh, yeah, OK, I could 185 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:19,440 really see your view. Yeah. 186 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,200 Yeah, no, definitely they don't. And but like my mom, she 187 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:25,760 completely, completely gets it. Like I tell her like my deepest, 188 00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:29,000 darkest thoughts, like she does not judge me. 189 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,880 You know, she because she understands. 190 00:09:30,880 --> 00:09:34,760 But she I was like lucky in the fact that she did help a lot, 191 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:36,320 especially when my son was a baby. 192 00:09:36,320 --> 00:09:41,080 But yeah, no, it's, it's real. I think like the reality of all 193 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:45,120 this is there's so much emotional labor that I just did 194 00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,760 not envision would go into this at all. 195 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:53,040 Like I didn't think that I would be constantly trying to manage 196 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:58,680 my step kids emotions and their mental state because of the 197 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,600 situation of being in two homes then I did. 198 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:04,280 I was constantly especially with my oldest stepson because he was 199 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,400 like the first one that lived with us full time. 200 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:10,920 I just constantly wanted to make sure everything was OK. 201 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:15,120 And I would try to like, overcompensate, like, oh, do you 202 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,120 want me to get you this, you know, or do you want me to do 203 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,920 this? Oh, I remember one time, it was 204 00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:23,720 when he first started to come, when he first lived with us, 205 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:24,840 like in the very, very beginning. 206 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,400 It must have been like a month into it. 207 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,880 And I was like, what's your favorite meal that your mom 208 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,480 makes? I can't believe I did this now, 209 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,200 by the way. Anyway, so I was like, what is 210 00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:33,720 your favorite meal that your mom makes? 211 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,200 And he's like, oh, I like chicken Alfredo. 212 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,560 And I was like, what? Like what sauce does she use? 213 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:43,160 I'm trying to make our home seem as like comfort as possible or 214 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,800 as comfortable as possible into like his mom's house as 215 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,200 possible. So I like got the sauce, I made 216 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,120 it and like, he ate us a little bit of it. 217 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:55,880 But, you know, I was just trying so, so hard to like mend the 218 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:00,760 brokenness that he was in by having to be in two different 219 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,760 homes and going going through that. 220 00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,800 And now I'm like, why was I trying to, like, do that so 221 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,680 much, you know? Yeah, there are so many. 222 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,320 That's what I was going back to. You and I are the same this way. 223 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,600 And I know that back in the day, in the early stages, we talked 224 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:17,320 about this a lot because before we had our kids, it was so much 225 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:22,080 easier to try and overextend ourselves and do all the things. 226 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,800 And we would take them to all the places, do all the holiday 227 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,960 events. And it was fine for like a 228 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,240 season or maybe that first year or two. 229 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:34,200 And then it was just too much. And then it was an expectation 230 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:38,080 and we had to keep up with it. What I've been telling to some 231 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:42,360 of the stepmoms in our one on ones of like, we can't promise 232 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,480 certain things that we don't think that we can continue later 233 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:49,880 on, You know, it's impossible to follow through with these 234 00:11:49,880 --> 00:11:51,840 things. So it's about setting boundaries 235 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,760 so that these expectations are normalized and kind of 236 00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:56,760 regulated. So I totally agree with that. 237 00:11:56,760 --> 00:12:00,080 But another thing that I feel like is a reality that nobody 238 00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:01,400 talks about is feeling invisible. 239 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:05,120 This is the biggest, hardest thing to come to terms with. 240 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,680 I, I chose this home that we live in. 241 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:11,920 I decorated it. I designed certain aspects of 242 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,760 what we changed. I have like custom rooms for 243 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:20,400 some of the kids. I, I feel like every little nook 244 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,400 and cranny I have like a special touch. 245 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:26,240 And yet I feel like a lot of times this is not my house and 246 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:29,000 I'm a guest here. I'm a visitor in this beautiful 247 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,360 hotel. It's such a hard pill to 248 00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,440 swallow. I can't even explain it to you. 249 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,880 Like, that's the thing. No one could have explained this 250 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:39,480 to me and to live it. And I know a lot of haters are 251 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:40,880 like, well, that's on your husband. 252 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:44,960 Your husband needs to be the one to, you know, make you not feel 253 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:48,520 like that. The problem actually lies where 254 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,440 we feel like we have to tiptoe around certain people's 255 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:54,640 feelings. The tiny aspects of like, look, 256 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:58,120 I have to wear pants every time I walk around my house, even if 257 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,720 my baby's crying at 2:00 AM in the front of the house. 258 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:05,440 For me to get from point A to point BI, have to pass said step 259 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,880 kids rooms. And they might see my butt. 260 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:12,520 Yeah, they might see my butt in the middle of the night, pants 261 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,480 on at 2:00 AM. Who's thinking about that? 262 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,520 No, they don't get it. I'm so glad it's these little 263 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:18,800 things. So glad you brought that up. 264 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,120 And I don't know why I'm glad we're like on the same 265 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:23,280 wavelength with that. But it is those little things 266 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:27,040 like that, like no one gets it. Do you know how freeing it is? 267 00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:30,160 And I love my step kids, so don't comfort me again. 268 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:34,120 But when they go to their mom's house, I'm like, yes, pants off. 269 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:37,600 I don't have to like, I don't know, be someone I'm not, I 270 00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,680 guess not that I'm necessarily always being someone I'm not. 271 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,240 I'm just not as like free, to be honest, going back to what 272 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,880 Alyssa was saying in that first year, stepmotherhood, like we 273 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:48,480 would do all these extravagant things. 274 00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:52,160 Like I Remember Me and Alyssa, we are just like caretakers by 275 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:54,320 nature too, so, and we always wanted kids. 276 00:13:54,320 --> 00:13:57,080 So I think her and I, and correct me if I'm wrong, we were 277 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,680 just so excited about being a stepmom. 278 00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:01,200 We were like, oh, let's take him to the pumpkin patch. 279 00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:02,960 Let's do this. Let's do that. 280 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,120 Yeah, we were, pumpkin. Patch. 281 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:10,120 We were so excited. Mine were so little, so I loved 282 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:13,320 the nine month old or the one year old and then the three or 283 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:16,200 four year old. Like those were such cute times. 284 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,960 No one prepares you for the preteen stepson. 285 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:23,240 Yeah, that's a fun time. It's getting real fun in my 286 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:24,240 house too. No. 287 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:28,040 How do you like, my husband doesn't even know how to like 288 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,400 figure all that out and navigate it. 289 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,920 And it's like how we going to navigate it with, you know, it's 290 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:35,520 a stepson. So yeah. 291 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:41,200 Anyways, expectations versus realities, yeah, I didn't, I 292 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:44,320 didn't have those set before I got into this. 293 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,760 No, no. And there's things even like now 294 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,840 that I'm like, I would never do that for my bio son. 295 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:52,960 And it's because I feel like I don't have to like put on a show 296 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,000 in front of him. He's going to love me at the end 297 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,920 of the day, no matter what. We have that unconditional love 298 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,280 and I'm sorry, I don't feel like that with my step kids. 299 00:15:00,280 --> 00:15:03,320 I just don't hate me for it. Say whatever you want for it, 300 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,720 that's what it is. Well, yeah, that's like Oopsies 301 00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,600 1613. That's like, you know, part of 302 00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:15,720 even having a platform like this where we are trying to unite 303 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,400 stepmoms that don't have a community and feel isolated, 304 00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,880 like they don't have that village. 305 00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:23,160 We're putting ourselves out there and maybe not every 306 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,960 scenario that we play out is actually ours. 307 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,640 Maybe it belongs to someone else and they want to say anonymous. 308 00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,280 So we post it out there so anyone can relate. 309 00:15:31,440 --> 00:15:33,280 We take that hate and that backlash. 310 00:15:33,520 --> 00:15:37,720 We take the criticism. But we chose that now choosing 311 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:42,120 to be a stepmom means signing up for criticism from the other 312 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:45,640 house 24/7 or the in laws. You're going to hear about it 313 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,520 from the kids, Chris. That needs to be a that needs to 314 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:53,840 be a whole other episode. The criticism and I just I would 315 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:57,960 love to see some of these bio moms do what these step moms do 316 00:15:58,120 --> 00:16:00,480 and what we do. I would love for them to try 317 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:05,000 just please take in someone else's children, love them like 318 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:08,920 your own be hated for it. Don't get a thank you have you 319 00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:11,840 and your husband tell them to respect you, you know, and your 320 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:15,040 husband. But then bio mom locks in the 321 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:18,280 loyalty bind and make sure that the children don't respect you. 322 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:21,640 And it's like you find your place, but then you lose your 323 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,840 footing and you kind of forget where you are and who you are 324 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:27,480 and you lose. It's such an identity crisis to 325 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:30,560 be a set mom. It's criticism on top of 326 00:16:30,560 --> 00:16:35,120 identity, you know, loss and identity awareness. 327 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:38,440 And like coming into like, OK, every other week I'm a stepmom 328 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:41,000 and then every other week I'm just my bio mom. 329 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,280 You know, I'm just mom to my bio kids. 330 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,640 Like it's hard. There's a lot out there. 331 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:49,440 And not to like gripe and moan, but to really relate to you 332 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:50,440 guys. We get it. 333 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,720 But the part of being a step mom where you can be criticized by 334 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:57,120 someone that you would have in any other life, never would have 335 00:16:57,120 --> 00:17:01,520 known or met is hard. It's a hard pill to swallow and 336 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,440 I've told my husband all the time to whenever I was really 337 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:06,960 mad, like with court stuff. And because that cost you 338 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:10,800 thousands and thousands of dollars, I was like something is 339 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:15,359 somebody that I would have never met in any other life is so 340 00:17:15,359 --> 00:17:18,920 seriously controlling my life. It's like damaging to me. 341 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,920 It's a hard thing for me to accept. 342 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:31,000 OK real question, what does actually good sleep feel like? 343 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:35,280 Like when you get into bed and it's instantly cool, soft and 344 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:38,520 you just drift off. That's exactly how these cozy 345 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:41,520 earth sheets feel. I didn't think sheets were a big 346 00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:45,800 deal, but these are different. Super soft, breathable, and they 347 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:48,280 somehow get better every time you wash them. 348 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:52,480 And if you are the stepmom doing everything for everyone all day, 349 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,640 having a bed that feels this good at the end of the night, 350 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,600 you deserve that. So who in your life takes care 351 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:02,320 of everyone else but never gets taken care of for Mother's Day? 352 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:06,800 You can buy one set and gift one from April 12th to April 18th 353 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:09,920 which I love. And there's a 100 night sleep 354 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:14,160 trial, so no pressure. Go to cozyearth.com and use our 355 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:17,680 code stepmom BOGO for the buy one give one deal. 356 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:25,400 Your sleep is about to level up. I, I was going to say, and it's 357 00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:28,840 really, really difficult when those kind of things and 358 00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:33,280 situations start impacting you, But then when you have your own 359 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:37,520 biological kids and it's like, that's when I become Mama, Mama 360 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,200 bear. Like I'm like, we know this is 361 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:41,840 affecting my kid now. So now I'm like. 362 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:46,280 Really upset but pause off. Yes but no going back to the 363 00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:49,920 extended family as far as like in laws because I feel like 364 00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:53,480 recently we've had a lot of stepmoms reach out to us in our 365 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:57,080 DMS like the extended family. Like even the in laws of the 366 00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:00,600 husband are super judgmental of this. 367 00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:04,520 I've been seeing a lot of that. I don't have that issue. 368 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:09,160 I mean, this is that's very hard for me to to coach them and to 369 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:12,280 kind of like, that's a lot of like I, you know. 370 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:13,880 I would ask her. What do you say? 371 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,800 I would ask yourself 2 questions because I have someone in my 372 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,360 life that's very close to me that is a stepmom and she 373 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,920 experiences this with the in laws. 374 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,720 So I'd ask yourself these two questions when you're starting 375 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:27,480 to feel triggered by the in laws or any outside extended 376 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,720 families. Number one, are they a stepmom? 377 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:35,000 OK #2 do you want anything in life that they have? 378 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,240 Do you want to be like them? Do you want the life that 379 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,960 they've created for themselves? And if one of those answers is 380 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,760 no, then keep it moving because it's, it's not worth it. 381 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,280 And they just will never understand. 382 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:48,040 And you trying to make them understand it's, it's just never 383 00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:50,400 going to happen. A little segue, but I just want 384 00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:53,600 to talk about that. Definitely let's talk about 385 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:57,480 maybe another moment that we realized things were different 386 00:19:57,800 --> 00:20:00,320 as far as like maybe when conflict arose. 387 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:05,120 Think you know there's there's times when stepmoms have a first 388 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:09,200 conflict with bio mom or maybe a disciplinary issue when they 389 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,000 were blamed for something or when the expectations just 390 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,600 became. Overwhelming. 391 00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:17,120 And so do you remember any of those times like for you as a 392 00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:20,560 stepmom when you're like, yeah, this is this is really 393 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,960 different. Yeah, there's so many things. 394 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:27,120 I think what seemed really hard in our beginning was that 395 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:32,720 anything that Dad was doing, like my husband did, for 396 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,480 whatever reason, if she wasn't happy with it, she'd get mad at 397 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:39,800 me for it. But just because I lived in the 398 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,760 house, too, but I wasn't doing all these things. 399 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:47,120 Like, for instance, my husband gave their son his first 400 00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,120 haircut. She was not. 401 00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,160 Yeah, Yeah. Which is fine. 402 00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:54,240 We were just dating at the time, or maybe engaged, but we were 403 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:58,040 not married. But she will never let me live 404 00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,400 it down. I get that, that first haircut, 405 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,120 like I have two littles. OK, It's fine. 406 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,680 But this happened. I didn't do anything to do with 407 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:07,480 it. I know nothing. 408 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:10,200 I know. I didn't control these men. 409 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:11,880 I'm like, we can't control what they do. 410 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:15,440 I didn't even give him the scissors and it was just he just 411 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,560 apparently had cut off the rat tail. 412 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,920 It's not like he cut a big bowl, you know, and he just cut off 413 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:22,280 that rat tail one day in the bath. 414 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:26,920 And man, she lost her, lost her mind, you know, reasonably so. 415 00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,120 It's that seems like a terrible thing to have to deal with. 416 00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:31,560 But also you don't lose your mind on me. 417 00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:35,480 That was not my doing. I was sharing the house with 418 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,200 him. But like, that shows that 419 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,440 misdirected anger and how stepmoms cannot do anything 420 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,360 right. And not to play the victim, but 421 00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:44,280 like, we're going to take care of your kids. 422 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,600 We're going to get them haircuts when they need to. 423 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:48,880 Like, where does that line? Yeah. 424 00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:50,480 Where do we cross that line? No. 425 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,600 Did we go wrong? Exactly. 426 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:54,440 No, and I've experienced that too. 427 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,640 Was like why is it my fault? Like I didn't do anything. 428 00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:58,840 I'm just trying to keep the peace. 429 00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:01,240 But that's why I did want to say to stepmoms and something I'm 430 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:04,840 learning right now actually, It's like you try so hard to 431 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:08,240 keep the peace, but then it's like if at the end of the day, 432 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:13,000 you're just being blamed anyways, or you're still seen as 433 00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:17,200 the person that's making all of this conflict in the 1st place, 434 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,600 then just just step back. You know what? 435 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,400 Let them do their thing. Let your husband and her do 436 00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:26,200 their thing and just and just step back because it's not worth 437 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,880 it trying to do all those things. 438 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:32,200 Yeah, it's so in the membership. So for anyone new listening, we 439 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:36,000 have our Stepmom membership that is through Patreon. 440 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,960 You can get the link in our description here in an Instagram 441 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,640 bio. But we are helping moms over 442 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:45,600 there or stepmoms that are running into normal issues. 443 00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,960 They're able to ask US1 on one questions. 444 00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:51,640 So for instance, we talked about disengaging from that arose more 445 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:56,680 questions and I am working on a guide for y'all for disengaging 446 00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:59,120 because it is there's a lot involved with that. 447 00:22:59,120 --> 00:23:02,320 And I think that that's really confusing and like where do we 448 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:03,560 step back? Where do we step in? 449 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:07,480 And is it about events and going to events or is it about like 450 00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,400 emailing the teacher, you know, interest? 451 00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:13,840 All that to say, I would touch on disengaging here as well. 452 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,760 But I think that that needs its own episode. 453 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,400 And so we're going to go into that all in its own podcast 454 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,120 episode. But if you're listening and 455 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,680 you've had that moment where you're a stepmom and you 456 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,640 thought, you know, wait, this isn't what I thought stepmom 457 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:29,720 life would be, you're not alone. That's all I can say is that 458 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,760 this is something that's really serious. 459 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:36,520 It's hard for stepmoms to grasp that new reality once it hits 460 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,400 them. And for anyone going into 461 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:41,440 stepmom life, you know that that is something that is going to be 462 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,640 hard to navigate and it's going to hit at some point and maybe 463 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,240 there will be some small triggers along the way, but it's 464 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:51,320 going to out eventually just become like this is my reality. 465 00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:54,640 What is some advice Becca, that you would give your younger 466 00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:59,400 self, your younger stepmom self? So like when you first met your 467 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,240 husband or maybe when y'all first got married? 468 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:06,240 What advice do you have for stepmoms or for your younger 469 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,120 self? This is so easy. 470 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,520 Don't over function. Don't over function. 471 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:14,200 Don't over function. If no one is asking for your 472 00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:16,880 support for something, don't do it. 473 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:21,240 You know, I took so much upon myself that no one asked me to 474 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,160 do. My husband asked me to do it. 475 00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:24,880 My stepson didn't ask me to do it. 476 00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:27,760 In laws didn't ask me to do it. No one asked me to do these 477 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:31,440 things and I just over functioned like, you know, I 478 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,800 would make a home cooked meal every single night and then I 479 00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:37,560 would be upset when my stepson didn't like it. 480 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:42,760 You know, like I over functioned so much that then I started to 481 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:44,720 get my feelings hurt as a result. 482 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:48,480 And it's just just who you are. Just be authentic, be who you 483 00:24:48,480 --> 00:24:51,040 are because kids see through that. 484 00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,000 They know when you're not being yourself. 485 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,080 And I think especially teenagers, and that was my first 486 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:59,160 experience, is they know when you're putting on a show, they 487 00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,440 know when you're performing. And if you're just yourself, I 488 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:03,920 think that they respect you more for that. 489 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:04,600 It's scary. Yeah. 490 00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:07,120 They respect you more for that, though, if you just keep it real 491 00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:09,480 with them, you know? And, and the other thing is, you 492 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,000 know, you don't have to prove yourself. 493 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:14,640 That is my other thing. Be confident in who you are as a 494 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:18,680 stepmom and what you have to offer because you know it's 495 00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:21,720 going to be different than what bio mom can offer and and vice 496 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:25,520 versa and just what any person in your step kids life can offer 497 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:28,120 them. Everyone has a special 498 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,560 relationship with each other and you don't. 499 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,680 You don't have to prove yourself or try to be something you're 500 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,160 not. But yeah, that's for me. 501 00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:35,280 What do you think? Like it? 502 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,400 If you if you were younger now, like, what would you tell 503 00:25:38,400 --> 00:25:41,200 yourself? Yeah, I think I agree with you. 504 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:44,560 Like not over functioning, over promising like we talked about 505 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:47,080 before, because those things aren't sustainable in the long 506 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:48,360 run. And then you have to kind of 507 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,080 disappoint yourself or the expectation that the kids have 508 00:25:51,080 --> 00:25:53,240 because, you know, for the holidays, they're expecting all 509 00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:56,160 the pumpkin patches or whatever. We clearly live in the South. 510 00:25:56,320 --> 00:26:01,000 So my other thing would be setting boundaries early is so 511 00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,120 necessary. Boundaries. 512 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,440 That's hard thing to figure out. That's a hard thing. 513 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:07,800 And the boundaries are going to change obviously, right as the 514 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:09,600 kids grow older, they're going to be different when there's 515 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:12,840 coddlers, preteen teenagers and maybe have different boundaries 516 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,640 for different kiddos, but boundaries within your home too. 517 00:26:15,640 --> 00:26:19,320 Like I know some of our stepmoms in the membership talk about, 518 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,800 well, am I letting the kids in my room? 519 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:28,160 I do, but I don't allow conversations about the X in our 520 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,400 room. So like my husband and I, we 521 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,840 don't talk about that at night before bed. 522 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,480 We don't talk about it in our bedroom. 523 00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:37,920 Like to me, that's a toxic conversation usually. 524 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:41,320 So I want to keep that outside of the bedroom because like, I 525 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:44,080 want good energy, you know, I want to be a happy place. 526 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:47,280 But I do allow the kids in our bedroom just because our room is 527 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:50,600 pretty large. So I feel like if we have movie 528 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:54,640 night, there's like a huge area on the floor that we can make 529 00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:57,920 into, like a big floor palette. They're not sitting in my bed 530 00:26:57,920 --> 00:27:01,080 watching movies with us. But another one would be as a 531 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:04,800 young stepmom, just knowing that your role is going to evolve 532 00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:09,320 over time so much again with age of the kids, with the dynamics 533 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:13,760 between mom and dad and with you finding your footing as well. 534 00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:18,240 Like, so my role has changed so much since I took a step back a 535 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:23,200 little bit because I had my two kids, I wasn't able to then 536 00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,800 attend every school function, every sporting event. 537 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:29,600 And I set those expectations with the kids so that they know 538 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,960 like my step kids understand, hey, I'm going to have to miss 539 00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,880 some of my kids. You know, I miss my daughter's 540 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,960 ballet. I'm going to miss some of your 541 00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:41,520 school functions because you go to school in a different city. 542 00:27:41,800 --> 00:27:44,840 Yeah. I think understanding that your 543 00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:48,040 role evolves over time, but also just being flexible with it, 544 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,720 going with the ebb and flow. This is just not for the weak. 545 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:53,560 It's not for the faint apart whatsoever. 546 00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:57,120 Let's run through some common realizations for stepmoms. 547 00:27:57,120 --> 00:28:02,440 Just like this really relatable list of things that stepmoms 548 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:06,240 think of sometimes like that. Maybe we can debunk or demise 549 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:08,920 them like that. You can we can't care more than 550 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:12,400 the parents because we actually can care quite a bit. 551 00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:16,040 I think the love is different because it's not an innate love. 552 00:28:16,040 --> 00:28:19,000 I've talked about this before. It feels very different and once 553 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,080 you have a bio baby, completely understand. 554 00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:25,600 But a realization for stepmom is that like we can care quite a 555 00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:29,120 bit, yes, but. You have to be healthy with it. 556 00:28:29,120 --> 00:28:30,560 So I agree with you. Yeah. 557 00:28:30,560 --> 00:28:32,320 You can't care more than the parents. 558 00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:34,560 Absolutely not always true, right? 559 00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:38,640 Because sometimes Alyssa and I have talked and maybe we're just 560 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:42,160 a little cocky, which, you know, whatever we're like. 561 00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:44,960 We do care more than them. We do care more than them, you 562 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:46,120 know, even. And we're even. 563 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:48,240 No one cutting your. Hair it's like I'm the one 564 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:49,600 making your dentist appointment, but OK. 565 00:28:49,720 --> 00:28:53,720 But I think like what Alyssa means in that regard is that 566 00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:59,600 like you can't overcompensate or over function because of the 567 00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:03,640 lack thereof the other parent. So I can't do something just 568 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:05,920 because I'm like, well, they don't get it there. 569 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:09,320 So at our house, I mean, you can try and I think there's 570 00:29:09,320 --> 00:29:11,440 different things, but you don't want to do things that are going 571 00:29:11,440 --> 00:29:13,200 to like lead you to resentment later. 572 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:15,640 And I think in the beginning, and I did that a lot, I was 573 00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:18,080 like, well, they have to have that because it's here. 574 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:21,440 And it's like, no, they don't. They don't actually. 575 00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:23,680 And that's OK. Yeah. 576 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:28,360 Another point though, to you stepmoms, you are not 577 00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:31,080 responsible for fixing the family dynamic. 578 00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:34,440 Let's all say that again, together we are not responsible 579 00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:37,920 for fixing the family dynamic. Look at it this way, we're a 580 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:40,840 person that comes into the picture and we can help mend 581 00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:43,480 some of the wounds because we might fill a void. 582 00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:46,840 Or where I think stepmoms are really more healthy in a kids 583 00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:49,680 life and more necessary sometimes than a stepdad is that 584 00:29:49,800 --> 00:29:54,040 kids need moms so much and women have that nurturing love, having 585 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:59,080 an affectionate side that dads and men in general just don't 586 00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:03,280 have a strongly. So when kids go from mom's house 587 00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:06,680 and they're receiving all that love and nurture, hopefully, and 588 00:30:06,680 --> 00:30:09,000 then they come over to dad's house and they're getting the 589 00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:13,240 fun and there's love obviously, of course, but they're going to 590 00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:18,320 get nurturing, you know, emotional advice and love and 591 00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:22,880 support from stepmoms too. It's not the same love, but it's 592 00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:25,600 going to kind of mend some of that wound. 593 00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:28,000 I think that we play an important role in their healing, 594 00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,680 but we are not here to fix the family dynamic. 595 00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:35,080 We're not here to, you know, figure out what happened and who 596 00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:38,560 was wrong and who like, that's where you get stuck into a 597 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:41,320 groove that kind of gets you. I don't know, how do you get 598 00:30:41,320 --> 00:30:44,360 unstuck from that? If you really dissect the family 599 00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:47,160 dynamic and how everything happened and how the the kids 600 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:49,440 are thinking like this, they need therapy because of that. 601 00:30:49,720 --> 00:30:54,160 Just move forward. Let's all just work to heal and 602 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:57,080 forget whatever happened in the past, whether you were part of 603 00:30:57,080 --> 00:30:59,600 it or not. And then another thing is that 604 00:30:59,600 --> 00:31:01,160 not every battle is yours to fight. 605 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:04,280 It's the same thing. A lot of this goes between mom 606 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,040 and dad. Let it stay there. 607 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:08,880 This is our easy out. Like this is not my battle. 608 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:10,680 You know what I tell Becca a lot of times. 609 00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:13,120 Not my circus, not my monkeys, no. 610 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:15,320 And Alyssa and like. We'll get a little vulnerable 611 00:31:15,320 --> 00:31:18,120 for a second. I had and I'm Charlotte said. 612 00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:20,680 Didn't want to like bring this up because she was like honoring 613 00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:22,800 my privacy, but I called her this weekend. 614 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:25,520 I'll be honest, I won't tell like exact details, but I called 615 00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:28,240 her and I was just spiraling guys. 616 00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:33,520 I was like, I need to fix this. I need to stand up for myself in 617 00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:37,920 this situation and I need to fix this, You know, disagreement 618 00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:41,080 that's going on right now between the households and and I 619 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:43,480 was spiraling guys. I was shaking and I haven't felt 620 00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:46,000 like that in a super, super long time. 621 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:50,680 But just because we started this podcast and this platform and I 622 00:31:50,680 --> 00:31:52,840 would like to think we have a lot of wisdom now. 623 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:56,080 We are not perfect because that just happened to me last week. 624 00:31:56,360 --> 00:31:59,640 I was going through it and I called Alyssa and I felt so bad. 625 00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:01,000 She was like telling me something else. 626 00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,680 And I said I'm not even listening to you right now. 627 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:03,960 And she's like, what? No. 628 00:32:04,600 --> 00:32:08,240 No, I think half the time you wouldn't respond and it was 629 00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:10,600 silent. And I said stop texting them 630 00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:15,040 because she was in the group with my mom and dad and I was 631 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:16,880 like stop. Because stop. 632 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:20,920 But it was so good for me. And you know, and we would 633 00:32:20,920 --> 00:32:23,400 obviously love everyone to join our membership if you think it's 634 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:25,440 for you. But why I was so glad I had her 635 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:28,640 in that moment is because she knew exactly what I was going 636 00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:30,480 through. And she could be like, help 637 00:32:30,480 --> 00:32:32,320 ground me. She's like, ground yourself. 638 00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:34,480 Do this. And then she was like, it's not 639 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:36,040 worth it. And she kept saying that to me 640 00:32:36,040 --> 00:32:38,640 over and over again. She's like, it's not worth it. 641 00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:40,200 Just stop. Just stop. 642 00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:44,200 And you know, I think that's why going back to this realization 643 00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:47,640 that I had and I had to, you know, relearn it after that 644 00:32:47,640 --> 00:32:51,880 conversation is not every battle of mine is mine to fight, of 645 00:32:51,880 --> 00:32:53,960 theirs is mine to fight. So yeah. 646 00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:57,280 It's a great gift. We don't have to deal with. 647 00:32:57,280 --> 00:33:00,520 All those things like why insert yourself into that, or why not 648 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:04,360 easily remove yourself if it's draining and say, this is not my 649 00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:05,800 circus. These are not my monkeys. 650 00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:08,760 So that's where I'm like, I put my hands up in the air. 651 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,120 I'm out. No, honestly I'm so excited and 652 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:14,920 if anyone knows how to get it out of a group chat on the 653 00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:16,880 iPhone, please message me immediately. 654 00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:19,520 Thank you. In one one what I kept telling 655 00:33:19,520 --> 00:33:23,160 her all because she kept texting them and like one of the 656 00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:25,200 grounding techniques is like you put an ice cube in your mouth. 657 00:33:25,200 --> 00:33:26,880 I was like, go put an ice cube in your hand. 658 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:29,880 Make your hand busy. Never, never. 659 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:32,200 I was like, I'm here, you stepmoms get it. 660 00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:34,320 When you're like in it, you're like, I'm not giving up. 661 00:33:34,320 --> 00:33:37,400 Nope, Nope, Nope. But no, she did help me. 662 00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,280 Yeah, yeah, that was interesting. 663 00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:42,000 It is interesting to see how we go through some things now so 664 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:44,360 different than before. And not that anything was wrong 665 00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:45,840 with that before. We were learning. 666 00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:48,480 And that's another realization for stepmoms. 667 00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:50,240 You have to be forgiving with yourself. 668 00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:52,520 There are so many bumps and hurdles. 669 00:33:52,520 --> 00:33:54,920 I don't know how many times I've said this, there's going to be 670 00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:58,640 like 10 things in one given day. How many of them are going to be 671 00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:02,200 the hill you want to die on? How many of them are going to be 672 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:04,520 something that you're going to let affect your day or your 673 00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:06,280 week? Like its impact versus 674 00:34:06,280 --> 00:34:08,800 important. It's about what actually is 675 00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:13,159 worth my time, my energy and like, who's winning here? 676 00:34:13,159 --> 00:34:15,520 Are we going to let them? When are we going to let bio mom 677 00:34:15,639 --> 00:34:22,960 win and win by you know, taking something from us step moms? 678 00:34:23,040 --> 00:34:24,920 How are you coping with transition day? 679 00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:28,639 I'll tell you how I am. I'm lighting my big ass candles 680 00:34:28,679 --> 00:34:32,920 to calm my big ass anxieties and honestly it changes the whole 681 00:34:32,920 --> 00:34:36,239 mood of the house. Same chaos, just calmer vibes 682 00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:39,440 and way better energy. We're obsessed with big ass 683 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:43,679 candles from big ass luxuries. Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. 684 00:34:44,199 --> 00:34:47,440 If you want to try one, use code stepmom at checkout for a 685 00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:51,199 discount. That's code stepmom at checkout. 686 00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:55,679 Big ass candy. OK, so let's let the listeners 687 00:34:55,679 --> 00:35:00,520 in on a little secret. We are still going to take care 688 00:35:00,520 --> 00:35:03,400 of some listener Q&A when you'll have some heavy hitting 689 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:06,600 questions and maybe some episodes that really require Q&A 690 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:10,000 like for certain guests. But we want to start something 691 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:14,880 that we can bring a little more light hearted ending to our 692 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:20,040 episodes now and talk about what you want to tell them what it's 693 00:35:20,240 --> 00:35:23,680 called, Becca. The text I didn't send. 694 00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:27,280 So obviously some background on this, which I'm sure everyone 695 00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:29,480 can relate to. We're like texting, text and 696 00:35:29,480 --> 00:35:31,080 texting. Like we were just talking about 697 00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:33,480 perfect segue. And we're like, I just want to 698 00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:36,920 say this, you know, And what we would recommend is you don't 699 00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:39,480 send it, you know, but we're not perfect like we were saying 700 00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:41,080 earlier. So sometimes you guys might send 701 00:35:41,080 --> 00:35:42,560 it. So we're going to start doing 702 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:46,000 every week is we're going to ask from you guys, what are you so 703 00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:48,320 proud of, of a text you did not send? 704 00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:51,480 What did it say and what did you and you didn't send out? 705 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:54,800 So we'll read your guys's text that you didn't send and you 706 00:35:54,800 --> 00:35:56,880 have to really not send it, guys, OK. 707 00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,720 But if you did still send it to us, we would really like to know 708 00:35:59,720 --> 00:36:01,240 this too. Maybe they got you in a little 709 00:36:01,240 --> 00:36:02,800 bit of trouble. Exactly. 710 00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:04,280 Exactly. So that's kind of how we're 711 00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:08,160 going to end our episodes from now on, is the text I didn't 712 00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:09,320 send. So you know. 713 00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:13,160 So Becca, did you from that whole situation last weekend, Do 714 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:14,880 you have a text that you didn't send? 715 00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:16,640 Because we were sending a lot of I told you to. 716 00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:19,360 Stop. Yeah, I just stopped texting. 717 00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:24,320 There was some opinions going on about a decision that needs to 718 00:36:24,320 --> 00:36:26,240 be made in the upcoming school year. 719 00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:31,680 And I wanted to say something along the lines of don't talk to 720 00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:34,360 me about this anymore. I'm done. 721 00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:38,120 And instead I just, you know, I said silence is a really good 722 00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:41,120 response as well. And so I stopped. 723 00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:44,120 I stopped responding. You know, there's a lot more I 724 00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:47,560 wanted to say, but for the sake of this platform, I'll, you 725 00:36:47,560 --> 00:36:51,160 know, keep it to that, but. Silence speaks louder than 726 00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:52,520 words. Isn't that what they say? 727 00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:53,680 It's true. It's true. 728 00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:56,600 That's the loudest form. Yeah, no, definitely. 729 00:36:57,640 --> 00:36:59,840 So we're excited to hear you guys this text that you didn't 730 00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:02,920 sign because it'll be just so funny because we've all been 731 00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:05,480 there and we're still there. So yeah. 732 00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:08,880 But we did want to talk just a little bit for a second about 733 00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:11,280 some things you guys can expect in Season 2. 734 00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:16,760 We are going to have someone talk about how your anagram 735 00:37:16,880 --> 00:37:19,600 relates to your stepmom role in stepmom life. 736 00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:22,920 This is definitely Alyssa's. You know, whole thing. 737 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:26,440 I don't really understand. It I'm obsessed, go ahead. 738 00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:29,200 All right, you just chill out there. 739 00:37:29,840 --> 00:37:34,320 OK, so if anyone does not know their anagram yet, it is 740 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:37,600 imperative that you figure out what your anagram is. 741 00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:39,640 It's going to be a number and then you're going to have a 742 00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:43,920 wing, which is like your second kind of personality trait that 743 00:37:44,120 --> 00:37:47,720 you know you default to. So like for instance, I'm A6 744 00:37:47,720 --> 00:37:50,480 wing 7. So your wing is like the one 745 00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:53,760 that you default to. But if you were going to put up 746 00:37:53,760 --> 00:37:57,720 the anagram test website because there's like something aren't 747 00:37:57,720 --> 00:38:01,280 free, but it should be free. We have the anagram lady coming 748 00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:06,240 on and this one's a free test. Do it so that when you listen, 749 00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:11,680 you can understand how you interpret things from bio mom, 750 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:16,480 how you deal with emotional stress, how you should respond 751 00:38:16,480 --> 00:38:19,520 to certain things if you need to take breaks, if you need to 752 00:38:19,520 --> 00:38:21,920 verbalize, if you need to, you know, step away. 753 00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:25,280 And then also, if you can find out your spouse and their 754 00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:29,320 anagram, then you can figure out how the 2 some of you can really 755 00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:34,440 come together and really work on all these issues and maybe we 756 00:38:34,440 --> 00:38:35,840 can figure out by a month and a gram. 757 00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:37,440 No, I'm just kidding. Let's not go that far. 758 00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:42,520 But we also have, of course, we have a bio dad, not one of ours. 759 00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:46,560 We have one that is a huge influencer here in the community 760 00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:50,120 and we are so, so stoked for y'all to hear that episode. 761 00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:53,160 I just can't wait. I that's like my, I'm very 762 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:55,920 excited for Anagram, of course, but there's so many more. 763 00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:58,200 We don't even want to get into all of them. 764 00:38:58,200 --> 00:39:01,600 We have another stepmom coach coming on here as well. 765 00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:02,760 And then we. Also have. 766 00:39:02,760 --> 00:39:05,280 There's just a lot, yeah. I did want to touch on this. 767 00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:10,960 We also have someone who she is very, very educated and high 768 00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:14,920 conflict bio mom situations and from what I understand, she 769 00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:17,080 doesn't have any bio kids of her own either. 770 00:39:17,240 --> 00:39:20,080 So that's a whole different dynamic to being a stepmom. 771 00:39:20,080 --> 00:39:22,720 I think. So really excited to have her on 772 00:39:22,720 --> 00:39:24,840 to. We have lots of great people 773 00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:28,640 coming on, and we're just going to, you know, dive deeper into 774 00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:33,720 these realities of funded families and hopefully we are 775 00:39:33,720 --> 00:39:37,000 able to, you know, give you guys some insight and some tools, 776 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:41,840 strategies to being a stepmom and hopefully not let you all 777 00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:44,880 feel so alone. Yeah, well, that is all for this 778 00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:50,040 first episode of Season 2. We are so glad you all joined us 779 00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:52,720 and we have so many good things coming up that we just talked 780 00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:54,440 about. South TuneIn next week. 781 00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:56,080 Thank you. Bye. 782 00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:58,600 That's it for this week on Stepmom Side Chats. 783 00:39:58,960 --> 00:40:02,760 We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties before you go. 784 00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:05,360 It's something we said hit a little close to home. 785 00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:08,760 Go ahead and hit. Follow now so you don't miss 786 00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:12,120 future episodes and share with another stepmom to help us grow. 787 00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:15,520 If you want to connect between episodes, follow us on Instagram 788 00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:18,640 Stepmomsidechats and send us what you want us to chat about 789 00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:20,480 next. Keep giving yourself grace, 790 00:40:20,480 --> 00:40:21,760 you're doing better than you think. 791 00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:23,280 We'll chat with you all soon.