Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats.
We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms.
Who are done pretending everything's perfect.
This is where we talk boundaries, Co parenting, hard
truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud.
If you're ready for real talk, real growth and a little bit of
spice, let's get into it. Welcome to Season 2.
We are so, so excited for the season.
Then just we are so bad. So back.
We are so back. You know, the nervous systems,
they're they're regulate and still we took a break.
Seriously. Yeah, we took a break just so
that we would be able to, you know, do more research, bring
you all some really good guests for the season.
This is going to be so amazing. We are so, so excited about the
different guests that we're going to have this season and
just the content in general that we're going to have.
It's it's going to be. It's going to be.
Great. Just know the wait was worth it.
It's going to we have a lot of fun stuff planned.
We did work on the break, so we recorded a few episodes.
We have these seriously amazing guests plan to come and speak
and I'm so excited for everyone to hear.
I just want to launch a million episodes in one week.
So without further ado, let's just like RIP into it.
Let's go with this week. We wanted to talk about that
exact moment that we both realized this was absolutely not
what we signed up for. Where was our thirty day trial?
Yes. Where's my refund?
Where is my refund? Yeah no, no refunds allowed.
No. So like Alyssa?
Just said today we're going to talk about the moments that I
feel like a lot of, you know, us stepmoms, we realized, and this
is not what I signed up for, this is not what I thought it
was. And and yeah, we're just going
to kind of, you know, dig deeper into what that looks like.
I guess. Alyssa, you go first.
What? Let's just jump right into it.
What's like a moment that you have that you're like, Oh my
gosh, this is not what I thought it was going to be like.
Like, does any come to mind? I have a couple.
So I don't know if you have one that that comes to mind right
off the bat. One exact moment, there were a
few like you said to where in over time it became this
accumulation of things that I'm like, I guess I missed these
warning signs or the red flags. Maybe they were like yellow
flags and looking back, I mean, there were ways that maybe the
ex would talk about me and I kind of would write it off as
like, oh, you know, this is just because I'm the girlfriend or
something. And like, if I get married, then
she'll see that I'm serious and I'm here to care for the kids,
you know, and like she would say I'm playing house, but I'm not
like, I actually want this, you know, life.
And no, I don't think that she got any better when I got
married. So that didn't fix it.
And that's probably a bad idea. Well, let's just fix this by
getting married. But there were so many things to
have, like everyone around me saying, giving these ideas and
unsolicited advice that really hurt me because I took those on
and I was like, OK, I'll do all, I'll do this, I'll do all these
things. And then it was, it became too
much. It was too heavy.
And it was a big burden to do all these things and to go over
and above and be supportive and be helpful and make the
schedules and, you know, be there for the, the school things
with the kids and all their artwork.
And, you know, my gosh, it was just overwhelming.
And that's when I was like, OK, this is a lot.
And I'm not going to get a thank you.
I'm not going to get glad you were there.
I, no one warned me about that one.
And that one really burned when it happened.
It's definitely no I. Yeah, I can even think of a
moment this week actually in my household where that burned.
So yeah, no, I completely understand what you're saying.
I think. I don't know.
I don't know why this moment just comes to mind.
People are going to laugh at me so hard.
Oh, I love you. So what happened is it was like
the first summer that my now husband, all his kids came to
the house for all summer, right? At this time, the oldest, we
didn't have full time and so he just came for the summer as
well. So it was all three kids all
summer long, right? And you know, we were all
hanging out at my husband's house.
I still had my own house at this time, but I was pretty much
living there, right? You know, all you stepmoms get
it. You know, we wanted to
Playhouse. We get it, yeah.
We wanted to play it. So I was there and I remember so
distinctly I was like, washing dishes because that's time.
I don't know why, but my husband's house that he was
renting didn't have a dishwasher.
Like, oh, OK. And so I was hand washing dishes
and it was like in the middle of summer and I live in Las Vegas.
It's so hot. And I was like, this is
horrible. I'm literally washing dishes
24/7. There's kids screaming around
and I'm just like, I get very oversimulated guys.
I don't know if ever anyone else is like this, but it's like, I
don't know why I became a stepmom because it's just kids
times 20 and they're just kids, right?
It's not their fault. But it was like.
Kids are screaming and it's someone else's kids.
And I'm like, that sounds horrible.
I remember texting my mom being like, ha ha, like, you know, and
obviously she had some like words of wisdom to say at the
time, but I remember that was like one of the times that I
realized one of money. And then obviously there were
other things like where I would do so much for said step kid.
And then later on, maybe that day or even like a week later,
they would be talking so much about how they love their mom,
which I'm not saying they shouldn't love their mom.
So disclaimer, no one come for me.
OK, But I was like, I didn't expect it how you said to like
burn so bad. I'm like, wait, what?
Like, but I'm the one doing your dentist appointments.
I'm the one who's here everyday, I'm the one who's doing this and
it like. Am I the mom?
Am I not mom? Yeah.
And so I was like, Oh, well, my step kids going to see that and,
and I'm going to be not their favorite, but like, I guess I'm
going to be chosen. I guess, you know, and I've been
researching a lot about like child attachment theory and
stuff and how it like aligns to being a stepmom and it all goes
together. Another teaser for this season.
Hopefully we have time to touch on that.
But I just like wanted to feel chosen so badly.
I think like subconsciously and they didn't like choose me at
the end, which, you know, research is clear that that that
is true. The loyalty vine like they want
their mom no matter what. But like you said, I just I
didn't expect it to burn as much as I thought it would.
And I was like, this is not what I thought it was going to be
like. Yeah.
So expectations were not reality for either one of us and for it
sounds like almost all of our like followers.
So the expectation versus reality to me was like a big
hit. I think I expected a certain
thing and maybe some people expect that it's going to just
be like this and they think that that, you know, because of all
the evil stepmoms and Disney making it like it's just a no
one ever left their stepmom. Maybe some people went into it
thinking that's how it's going to be.
I don't hear a lot of people telling us like that.
Like I thought that there would be more support.
I think it's my biggest thing. I thought there would be support
coming out of the wazoo, people coming out of the woodworks
like, oh, so I'm here for you. I totally get it and I'm here
and I support you and you being in a blended family is hard.
Let me help it go smoothly. People helping us physically,
like support by like let me take the kids for the weekend.
Let me bring you some meals because now this every other
week you have 4 kids or like I had a kiddo in the hospital a
year ago, you know, for two weeks.
And I guess I'm expecting and I kind of assumed you get more
support because people understand.
But the reality is people don't understand.
They don't understand if you're not a stepmom, you don't get it,
which is what we kind of realized with one of our most
recent Instagram posts. It was a clear cut line down the
middle. People either got it or they
just didn't get it. And for some things in stepmom
life, they just click. We all experience it the same.
We all see it and hear and smell it the same.
And if you're not a stepmom, you just don't get it.
OK, Becca's laughing again. You laughing at my well.
You said you just. Don't it doesn't smell out here.
I'm like stepmom, stepmom. No, no, Alyssa is completely
right. I think I thought the same thing
too. I think what I really like my
expectation was is that I was just going to be so appreciative
by the bio mom especially. I was like, they are going to
love me. I'm going like, I really thought
that literally jokes on you, you know, you know, and I just
thought that they were just going to be so appreciative and
not just obviously not the experience that I think most of
stepmoms have. And, and like you said, I think
like with the help, I kind of envisioned that as well.
I am lucky that my mom was a stepmom growing up.
So she like 120% gets it. Yeah, you have someone that gets
it. I forget about that.
I mean, my mom is amazing. She gets it because she get me.
But it took her a long time to be like, oh, yeah, OK, I could
really see your view. Yeah.
Yeah, no, definitely they don't. And but like my mom, she
completely, completely gets it. Like I tell her like my deepest,
darkest thoughts, like she does not judge me.
You know, she because she understands.
But she I was like lucky in the fact that she did help a lot,
especially when my son was a baby.
But yeah, no, it's, it's real. I think like the reality of all
this is there's so much emotional labor that I just did
not envision would go into this at all.
Like I didn't think that I would be constantly trying to manage
my step kids emotions and their mental state because of the
situation of being in two homes then I did.
I was constantly especially with my oldest stepson because he was
like the first one that lived with us full time.
I just constantly wanted to make sure everything was OK.
And I would try to like, overcompensate, like, oh, do you
want me to get you this, you know, or do you want me to do
this? Oh, I remember one time, it was
when he first started to come, when he first lived with us,
like in the very, very beginning.
It must have been like a month into it.
And I was like, what's your favorite meal that your mom
makes? I can't believe I did this now,
by the way. Anyway, so I was like, what is
your favorite meal that your mom makes?
And he's like, oh, I like chicken Alfredo.
And I was like, what? Like what sauce does she use?
I'm trying to make our home seem as like comfort as possible or
as comfortable as possible into like his mom's house as
possible. So I like got the sauce, I made
it and like, he ate us a little bit of it.
But, you know, I was just trying so, so hard to like mend the
brokenness that he was in by having to be in two different
homes and going going through that.
And now I'm like, why was I trying to, like, do that so
much, you know? Yeah, there are so many.
That's what I was going back to. You and I are the same this way.
And I know that back in the day, in the early stages, we talked
about this a lot because before we had our kids, it was so much
easier to try and overextend ourselves and do all the things.
And we would take them to all the places, do all the holiday
events. And it was fine for like a
season or maybe that first year or two.
And then it was just too much. And then it was an expectation
and we had to keep up with it. What I've been telling to some
of the stepmoms in our one on ones of like, we can't promise
certain things that we don't think that we can continue later
on, You know, it's impossible to follow through with these
things. So it's about setting boundaries
so that these expectations are normalized and kind of
regulated. So I totally agree with that.
But another thing that I feel like is a reality that nobody
talks about is feeling invisible.
This is the biggest, hardest thing to come to terms with.
I, I chose this home that we live in.
I decorated it. I designed certain aspects of
what we changed. I have like custom rooms for
some of the kids. I, I feel like every little nook
and cranny I have like a special touch.
And yet I feel like a lot of times this is not my house and
I'm a guest here. I'm a visitor in this beautiful
hotel. It's such a hard pill to
swallow. I can't even explain it to you.
Like, that's the thing. No one could have explained this
to me and to live it. And I know a lot of haters are
like, well, that's on your husband.
Your husband needs to be the one to, you know, make you not feel
like that. The problem actually lies where
we feel like we have to tiptoe around certain people's
feelings. The tiny aspects of like, look,
I have to wear pants every time I walk around my house, even if
my baby's crying at 2:00 AM in the front of the house.
For me to get from point A to point BI, have to pass said step
kids rooms. And they might see my butt.
Yeah, they might see my butt in the middle of the night, pants
on at 2:00 AM. Who's thinking about that?
No, they don't get it. I'm so glad it's these little
things. So glad you brought that up.
And I don't know why I'm glad we're like on the same
wavelength with that. But it is those little things
like that, like no one gets it. Do you know how freeing it is?
And I love my step kids, so don't comfort me again.
But when they go to their mom's house, I'm like, yes, pants off.
I don't have to like, I don't know, be someone I'm not, I
guess not that I'm necessarily always being someone I'm not.
I'm just not as like free, to be honest, going back to what
Alyssa was saying in that first year, stepmotherhood, like we
would do all these extravagant things.
Like I Remember Me and Alyssa, we are just like caretakers by
nature too, so, and we always wanted kids.
So I think her and I, and correct me if I'm wrong, we were
just so excited about being a stepmom.
We were like, oh, let's take him to the pumpkin patch.
Let's do this. Let's do that.
Yeah, we were, pumpkin. Patch.
We were so excited. Mine were so little, so I loved
the nine month old or the one year old and then the three or
four year old. Like those were such cute times.
No one prepares you for the preteen stepson.
Yeah, that's a fun time. It's getting real fun in my
house too. No.
How do you like, my husband doesn't even know how to like
figure all that out and navigate it.
And it's like how we going to navigate it with, you know, it's
a stepson. So yeah.
Anyways, expectations versus realities, yeah, I didn't, I
didn't have those set before I got into this.
No, no. And there's things even like now
that I'm like, I would never do that for my bio son.
And it's because I feel like I don't have to like put on a show
in front of him. He's going to love me at the end
of the day, no matter what. We have that unconditional love
and I'm sorry, I don't feel like that with my step kids.
I just don't hate me for it. Say whatever you want for it,
that's what it is. Well, yeah, that's like Oopsies
1613. That's like, you know, part of
even having a platform like this where we are trying to unite
stepmoms that don't have a community and feel isolated,
like they don't have that village.
We're putting ourselves out there and maybe not every
scenario that we play out is actually ours.
Maybe it belongs to someone else and they want to say anonymous.
So we post it out there so anyone can relate.
We take that hate and that backlash.
We take the criticism. But we chose that now choosing
to be a stepmom means signing up for criticism from the other
house 24/7 or the in laws. You're going to hear about it
from the kids, Chris. That needs to be a that needs to
be a whole other episode. The criticism and I just I would
love to see some of these bio moms do what these step moms do
and what we do. I would love for them to try
just please take in someone else's children, love them like
your own be hated for it. Don't get a thank you have you
and your husband tell them to respect you, you know, and your
husband. But then bio mom locks in the
loyalty bind and make sure that the children don't respect you.
And it's like you find your place, but then you lose your
footing and you kind of forget where you are and who you are
and you lose. It's such an identity crisis to
be a set mom. It's criticism on top of
identity, you know, loss and identity awareness.
And like coming into like, OK, every other week I'm a stepmom
and then every other week I'm just my bio mom.
You know, I'm just mom to my bio kids.
Like it's hard. There's a lot out there.
And not to like gripe and moan, but to really relate to you
guys. We get it.
But the part of being a step mom where you can be criticized by
someone that you would have in any other life, never would have
known or met is hard. It's a hard pill to swallow and
I've told my husband all the time to whenever I was really
mad, like with court stuff. And because that cost you
thousands and thousands of dollars, I was like something is
somebody that I would have never met in any other life is so
seriously controlling my life. It's like damaging to me.
It's a hard thing for me to accept.
OK real question, what does actually good sleep feel like?
Like when you get into bed and it's instantly cool, soft and
you just drift off. That's exactly how these cozy
earth sheets feel. I didn't think sheets were a big
deal, but these are different. Super soft, breathable, and they
somehow get better every time you wash them.
And if you are the stepmom doing everything for everyone all day,
having a bed that feels this good at the end of the night,
you deserve that. So who in your life takes care
of everyone else but never gets taken care of for Mother's Day?
You can buy one set and gift one from April 12th to April 18th
which I love. And there's a 100 night sleep
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code stepmom BOGO for the buy one give one deal.
Your sleep is about to level up. I, I was going to say, and it's
really, really difficult when those kind of things and
situations start impacting you, But then when you have your own
biological kids and it's like, that's when I become Mama, Mama
bear. Like I'm like, we know this is
affecting my kid now. So now I'm like.
Really upset but pause off. Yes but no going back to the
extended family as far as like in laws because I feel like
recently we've had a lot of stepmoms reach out to us in our
DMS like the extended family. Like even the in laws of the
husband are super judgmental of this.
I've been seeing a lot of that. I don't have that issue.
I mean, this is that's very hard for me to to coach them and to
kind of like, that's a lot of like I, you know.
I would ask her. What do you say?
I would ask yourself 2 questions because I have someone in my
life that's very close to me that is a stepmom and she
experiences this with the in laws.
So I'd ask yourself these two questions when you're starting
to feel triggered by the in laws or any outside extended
families. Number one, are they a stepmom?
OK #2 do you want anything in life that they have?
Do you want to be like them? Do you want the life that
they've created for themselves? And if one of those answers is
no, then keep it moving because it's, it's not worth it.
And they just will never understand.
And you trying to make them understand it's, it's just never
going to happen. A little segue, but I just want
to talk about that. Definitely let's talk about
maybe another moment that we realized things were different
as far as like maybe when conflict arose.
Think you know there's there's times when stepmoms have a first
conflict with bio mom or maybe a disciplinary issue when they
were blamed for something or when the expectations just
became. Overwhelming.
And so do you remember any of those times like for you as a
stepmom when you're like, yeah, this is this is really
different. Yeah, there's so many things.
I think what seemed really hard in our beginning was that
anything that Dad was doing, like my husband did, for
whatever reason, if she wasn't happy with it, she'd get mad at
me for it. But just because I lived in the
house, too, but I wasn't doing all these things.
Like, for instance, my husband gave their son his first
haircut. She was not.
Yeah, Yeah. Which is fine.
We were just dating at the time, or maybe engaged, but we were
not married. But she will never let me live
it down. I get that, that first haircut,
like I have two littles. OK, It's fine.
But this happened. I didn't do anything to do with
it. I know nothing.
I know. I didn't control these men.
I'm like, we can't control what they do.
I didn't even give him the scissors and it was just he just
apparently had cut off the rat tail.
It's not like he cut a big bowl, you know, and he just cut off
that rat tail one day in the bath.
And man, she lost her, lost her mind, you know, reasonably so.
It's that seems like a terrible thing to have to deal with.
But also you don't lose your mind on me.
That was not my doing. I was sharing the house with
him. But like, that shows that
misdirected anger and how stepmoms cannot do anything
right. And not to play the victim, but
like, we're going to take care of your kids.
We're going to get them haircuts when they need to.
Like, where does that line? Yeah.
Where do we cross that line? No.
Did we go wrong? Exactly.
No, and I've experienced that too.
Was like why is it my fault? Like I didn't do anything.
I'm just trying to keep the peace.
But that's why I did want to say to stepmoms and something I'm
learning right now actually, It's like you try so hard to
keep the peace, but then it's like if at the end of the day,
you're just being blamed anyways, or you're still seen as
the person that's making all of this conflict in the 1st place,
then just just step back. You know what?
Let them do their thing. Let your husband and her do
their thing and just and just step back because it's not worth
it trying to do all those things.
Yeah, it's so in the membership. So for anyone new listening, we
have our Stepmom membership that is through Patreon.
You can get the link in our description here in an Instagram
bio. But we are helping moms over
there or stepmoms that are running into normal issues.
They're able to ask US1 on one questions.
So for instance, we talked about disengaging from that arose more
questions and I am working on a guide for y'all for disengaging
because it is there's a lot involved with that.
And I think that that's really confusing and like where do we
step back? Where do we step in?
And is it about events and going to events or is it about like
emailing the teacher, you know, interest?
All that to say, I would touch on disengaging here as well.
But I think that that needs its own episode.
And so we're going to go into that all in its own podcast
episode. But if you're listening and
you've had that moment where you're a stepmom and you
thought, you know, wait, this isn't what I thought stepmom
life would be, you're not alone. That's all I can say is that
this is something that's really serious.
It's hard for stepmoms to grasp that new reality once it hits
them. And for anyone going into
stepmom life, you know that that is something that is going to be
hard to navigate and it's going to hit at some point and maybe
there will be some small triggers along the way, but it's
going to out eventually just become like this is my reality.
What is some advice Becca, that you would give your younger
self, your younger stepmom self? So like when you first met your
husband or maybe when y'all first got married?
What advice do you have for stepmoms or for your younger
self? This is so easy.
Don't over function. Don't over function.
If no one is asking for your
support for something, don't do it.
You know, I took so much upon myself that no one asked me to
do. My husband asked me to do it.
My stepson didn't ask me to do it.
In laws didn't ask me to do it. No one asked me to do these
things and I just over functioned like, you know, I
would make a home cooked meal every single night and then I
would be upset when my stepson didn't like it.
You know, like I over functioned so much that then I started to
get my feelings hurt as a result.
And it's just just who you are. Just be authentic, be who you
are because kids see through that.
They know when you're not being yourself.
And I think especially teenagers, and that was my first
experience, is they know when you're putting on a show, they
know when you're performing. And if you're just yourself, I
think that they respect you more for that.
It's scary. Yeah.
They respect you more for that, though, if you just keep it real
with them, you know? And, and the other thing is, you
know, you don't have to prove yourself.
That is my other thing. Be confident in who you are as a
stepmom and what you have to offer because you know it's
going to be different than what bio mom can offer and and vice
versa and just what any person in your step kids life can offer
them. Everyone has a special
relationship with each other and you don't.
You don't have to prove yourself or try to be something you're
not. But yeah, that's for me.
What do you think? Like it?
If you if you were younger now, like, what would you tell
yourself? Yeah, I think I agree with you.
Like not over functioning, over promising like we talked about
before, because those things aren't sustainable in the long
run. And then you have to kind of
disappoint yourself or the expectation that the kids have
because, you know, for the holidays, they're expecting all
the pumpkin patches or whatever. We clearly live in the South.
So my other thing would be setting boundaries early is so
necessary. Boundaries.
That's hard thing to figure out. That's a hard thing.
And the boundaries are going to change obviously, right as the
kids grow older, they're going to be different when there's
coddlers, preteen teenagers and maybe have different boundaries
for different kiddos, but boundaries within your home too.
Like I know some of our stepmoms in the membership talk about,
well, am I letting the kids in my room?
I do, but I don't allow conversations about the X in our
room. So like my husband and I, we
don't talk about that at night before bed.
We don't talk about it in our bedroom.
Like to me, that's a toxic conversation usually.
So I want to keep that outside of the bedroom because like, I
want good energy, you know, I want to be a happy place.
But I do allow the kids in our bedroom just because our room is
pretty large. So I feel like if we have movie
night, there's like a huge area on the floor that we can make
into, like a big floor palette. They're not sitting in my bed
watching movies with us. But another one would be as a
young stepmom, just knowing that your role is going to evolve
over time so much again with age of the kids, with the dynamics
between mom and dad and with you finding your footing as well.
Like, so my role has changed so much since I took a step back a
little bit because I had my two kids, I wasn't able to then
attend every school function, every sporting event.
And I set those expectations with the kids so that they know
like my step kids understand, hey, I'm going to have to miss
some of my kids. You know, I miss my daughter's
ballet. I'm going to miss some of your
school functions because you go to school in a different city.
Yeah. I think understanding that your
role evolves over time, but also just being flexible with it,
going with the ebb and flow. This is just not for the weak.
It's not for the faint apart whatsoever.
Let's run through some common realizations for stepmoms.
Just like this really relatable list of things that stepmoms
think of sometimes like that. Maybe we can debunk or demise
them like that. You can we can't care more than
the parents because we actually can care quite a bit.
I think the love is different because it's not an innate love.
I've talked about this before. It feels very different and once
you have a bio baby, completely understand.
But a realization for stepmom is that like we can care quite a
bit, yes, but. You have to be healthy with it.
So I agree with you. Yeah.
You can't care more than the parents.
Absolutely not always true, right?
Because sometimes Alyssa and I have talked and maybe we're just
a little cocky, which, you know, whatever we're like.
We do care more than them. We do care more than them, you
know, even. And we're even.
No one cutting your. Hair it's like I'm the one
making your dentist appointment, but OK.
But I think like what Alyssa means in that regard is that
like you can't overcompensate or over function because of the
lack thereof the other parent. So I can't do something just
because I'm like, well, they don't get it there.
So at our house, I mean, you can try and I think there's
different things, but you don't want to do things that are going
to like lead you to resentment later.
And I think in the beginning, and I did that a lot, I was
like, well, they have to have that because it's here.
And it's like, no, they don't. They don't actually.
And that's OK. Yeah.
Another point though, to you stepmoms, you are not
responsible for fixing the family dynamic.
Let's all say that again, together we are not responsible
for fixing the family dynamic. Look at it this way, we're a
person that comes into the picture and we can help mend
some of the wounds because we might fill a void.
Or where I think stepmoms are really more healthy in a kids
life and more necessary sometimes than a stepdad is that
kids need moms so much and women have that nurturing love, having
an affectionate side that dads and men in general just don't
have a strongly. So when kids go from mom's house
and they're receiving all that love and nurture, hopefully, and
then they come over to dad's house and they're getting the
fun and there's love obviously, of course, but they're going to
get nurturing, you know, emotional advice and love and
support from stepmoms too. It's not the same love, but it's
going to kind of mend some of that wound.
I think that we play an important role in their healing,
but we are not here to fix the family dynamic.
We're not here to, you know, figure out what happened and who
was wrong and who like, that's where you get stuck into a
groove that kind of gets you. I don't know, how do you get
unstuck from that? If you really dissect the family
dynamic and how everything happened and how the the kids
are thinking like this, they need therapy because of that.
Just move forward. Let's all just work to heal and
forget whatever happened in the past, whether you were part of
it or not. And then another thing is that
not every battle is yours to fight.
It's the same thing. A lot of this goes between mom
and dad. Let it stay there.
This is our easy out. Like this is not my battle.
You know what I tell Becca a lot of times.
Not my circus, not my monkeys, no.
And Alyssa and like. We'll get a little vulnerable
for a second. I had and I'm Charlotte said.
Didn't want to like bring this up because she was like honoring
my privacy, but I called her this weekend.
I'll be honest, I won't tell like exact details, but I called
her and I was just spiraling guys.
I was like, I need to fix this. I need to stand up for myself in
this situation and I need to fix this, You know, disagreement
that's going on right now between the households and and I
was spiraling guys. I was shaking and I haven't felt
like that in a super, super long time.
But just because we started this podcast and this platform and I
would like to think we have a lot of wisdom now.
We are not perfect because that just happened to me last week.
I was going through it and I called Alyssa and I felt so bad.
She was like telling me something else.
And I said I'm not even listening to you right now.
And she's like, what? No.
No, I think half the time you wouldn't respond and it was
silent. And I said stop texting them
because she was in the group with my mom and dad and I was
like stop. Because stop.
But it was so good for me. And you know, and we would
obviously love everyone to join our membership if you think it's
for you. But why I was so glad I had her
in that moment is because she knew exactly what I was going
through. And she could be like, help
ground me. She's like, ground yourself.
Do this. And then she was like, it's not
worth it. And she kept saying that to me
over and over again. She's like, it's not worth it.
Just stop. Just stop.
And you know, I think that's why going back to this realization
that I had and I had to, you know, relearn it after that
conversation is not every battle of mine is mine to fight, of
theirs is mine to fight. So yeah.
It's a great gift. We don't have to deal with.
All those things like why insert yourself into that, or why not
easily remove yourself if it's draining and say, this is not my
circus. These are not my monkeys.
So that's where I'm like, I put my hands up in the air.
I'm out. No, honestly I'm so excited and
if anyone knows how to get it out of a group chat on the
iPhone, please message me immediately.
Thank you. In one one what I kept telling
her all because she kept texting them and like one of the
grounding techniques is like you put an ice cube in your mouth.
I was like, go put an ice cube in your hand.
Make your hand busy. Never, never.
I was like, I'm here, you stepmoms get it.
When you're like in it, you're like, I'm not giving up.
Nope, Nope, Nope. But no, she did help me.
Yeah, yeah, that was interesting.
It is interesting to see how we go through some things now so
different than before. And not that anything was wrong
with that before. We were learning.
And that's another realization for stepmoms.
You have to be forgiving with yourself.
There are so many bumps and hurdles.
I don't know how many times I've said this, there's going to be
like 10 things in one given day. How many of them are going to be
the hill you want to die on? How many of them are going to be
something that you're going to let affect your day or your
week? Like its impact versus
important. It's about what actually is
worth my time, my energy and like, who's winning here?
Are we going to let them? When are we going to let bio mom
win and win by you know, taking something from us step moms?
How are you coping with transition day?
I'll tell you how I am. I'm lighting my big ass candles
to calm my big ass anxieties and honestly it changes the whole
mood of the house. Same chaos, just calmer vibes
and way better energy. We're obsessed with big ass
candles from big ass luxuries. Yep, the ones from Shark Tank.
If you want to try one, use code stepmom at checkout for a
discount. That's code stepmom at checkout.
Big ass candy. OK, so let's let the listeners
in on a little secret. We are still going to take care
of some listener Q&A when you'll have some heavy hitting
questions and maybe some episodes that really require Q&A
like for certain guests. But we want to start something
that we can bring a little more light hearted ending to our
episodes now and talk about what you want to tell them what it's
called, Becca. The text I didn't send.
So obviously some background on this, which I'm sure everyone
can relate to. We're like texting, text and
texting. Like we were just talking about
perfect segue. And we're like, I just want to
say this, you know, And what we would recommend is you don't
send it, you know, but we're not perfect like we were saying
earlier. So sometimes you guys might send
it. So we're going to start doing
every week is we're going to ask from you guys, what are you so
proud of, of a text you did not send?
What did it say and what did you and you didn't send out?
So we'll read your guys's text that you didn't send and you
have to really not send it, guys, OK.
But if you did still send it to us, we would really like to know
this too. Maybe they got you in a little
bit of trouble. Exactly.
So that's kind of how we're
going to end our episodes from now on, is the text I didn't
send. So you know.
So Becca, did you from that whole situation last weekend, Do
you have a text that you didn't send?
Because we were sending a lot of I told you to.
Stop. Yeah, I just stopped texting.
There was some opinions going on about a decision that needs to
be made in the upcoming school year.
And I wanted to say something along the lines of don't talk to
me about this anymore. I'm done.
And instead I just, you know, I said silence is a really good
response as well. And so I stopped.
I stopped responding. You know, there's a lot more I
wanted to say, but for the sake of this platform, I'll, you
know, keep it to that, but. Silence speaks louder than
words. Isn't that what they say?
It's true. It's true.
That's the loudest form. Yeah, no, definitely.
So we're excited to hear you guys this text that you didn't
sign because it'll be just so funny because we've all been
there and we're still there. So yeah.
But we did want to talk just a little bit for a second about
some things you guys can expect in Season 2.
We are going to have someone talk about how your anagram
relates to your stepmom role in stepmom life.
This is definitely Alyssa's. You know, whole thing.
I don't really understand. It I'm obsessed, go ahead.
All right, you just chill out there.
OK, so if anyone does not know their anagram yet, it is
imperative that you figure out what your anagram is.
It's going to be a number and then you're going to have a
wing, which is like your second kind of personality trait that
you know you default to. So like for instance, I'm A6
wing 7. So your wing is like the one
that you default to. But if you were going to put up
the anagram test website because there's like something aren't
free, but it should be free. We have the anagram lady coming
on and this one's a free test. Do it so that when you listen,
you can understand how you interpret things from bio mom,
how you deal with emotional stress, how you should respond
to certain things if you need to take breaks, if you need to
verbalize, if you need to, you know, step away.
And then also, if you can find out your spouse and their
anagram, then you can figure out how the 2 some of you can really
come together and really work on all these issues and maybe we
can figure out by a month and a gram.
No, I'm just kidding. Let's not go that far.
But we also have, of course, we have a bio dad, not one of ours.
We have one that is a huge influencer here in the community
and we are so, so stoked for y'all to hear that episode.
I just can't wait. I that's like my, I'm very
excited for Anagram, of course, but there's so many more.
We don't even want to get into all of them.
We have another stepmom coach coming on here as well.
And then we. Also have.
There's just a lot, yeah. I did want to touch on this.
We also have someone who she is very, very educated and high
conflict bio mom situations and from what I understand, she
doesn't have any bio kids of her own either.
So that's a whole different dynamic to being a stepmom.
I think. So really excited to have her on
to. We have lots of great people
coming on, and we're just going to, you know, dive deeper into
these realities of funded families and hopefully we are
able to, you know, give you guys some insight and some tools,
strategies to being a stepmom and hopefully not let you all
feel so alone. Yeah, well, that is all for this
first episode of Season 2. We are so glad you all joined us
and we have so many good things coming up that we just talked
about. South TuneIn next week.
Thank you. Bye.
That's it for this week on Stepmom Side Chats.
We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties before you go.
It's something we said hit a little close to home.
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