Hey everyone, welcome to stepmom side chats.
We are your hosts. Alyssa and Rebecca.
Two stepmoms who are done pretending everything's perfect.
This is where we talk. Boundaries, Co parenting, hard
truths, healing and the stuff. Nobody.
Says out loud. If you're ready for real talk,
real growth. And a little bit of.
Spice. Let's get into it.
Hello, hello, welcome back to another episode of Stepmom.
How are you doing today? Hi, I'm good welcome, I'm
currently drinking my breakfast so.
We're dealing. What's your breakfast?
Iced coffee. This is my go to.
Need and thrive off coffee. Oh my gosh, you don't eat like.
A real breakfast. No, Send all the haters my way.
I don't eat breakfast. I'm too.
Busy like every other week I have.
Four children to get out the door.
I'm lucky if I get comfy. No, I know it's like a
necessity. To at least have the.
Coffee. But yeah, no, I'm so busy I feel
like I'm. Just so stressed all the.
Time. But you know, what can you do?
What can you do? Anything new with you?
This week. It's transition day again.
People are going to start. Learning my new pattern, but
this is another new transition. Day, so we're dealing with all
the fields. Again, we have our transition
days are more frequent now, if you can't tell.
So that's what kind of bugging me, but I want to get into the.
Source of all of our issues. Yes.
Who is the culprit? No it's not bio mom.
But actually, that's the real culprit.
No, no, no, no, guys. It's our husbands, the spouses.
And. Partners.
You know, fiance's, whatever. You call it.
We are. Digging into those relationships
that are just driving us crazy. Yes, why are?
We in this situation to begin with, you know.
Yeah, that the typical, you know.
Why? Why did you guys?
Complain. Why are you complaining?
You know what? You signed up.
For you chose this life. I'm so sick of seeing those
comments and hearing that I can't even.
So no, we didn't sign up for this.
We didn't know we. Got ourselves into, but let's
talk about our spouses. And when our spouses.
Really get it? And.
When they really don't get it. We this week did have.
Some bio dads. Reach out to us.
Which I love and asking, you know, how they can support their
wives and I'm like, well, you can direct her our way, but this
one is. Really for this episode's for
the husbands too, so wives or. Stepmoms, you know, Share this
with your partner. Share this with your spouse.
This is directed towards them. Yeah.
No, definitely, definitely. Well, let's start with talking
about, I guess times when we've been really feeling supported by
our husbands and then times when we feel alone because I think
it's going to probably look maybe similar or different for
both of us. I don't know.
You go first. OK, so I will say.
I've talked on this before. We have a lot of issues.
On transition day, the days. Usually it's the day before so.
You know, in the side chats, Becca, I'm always texting you
saying guess what today is? And she's like the day before
transition day, like godspeed, sending wine, you know, all the
things. So we do have.
Issues the day before transition day where, you know, my husband,
he goes through the things and it's totally understandable and
totally normal. But I'm going through all the
things too, and that's when I'm feeling less supportive, and I
know a lot of stepmoms can. Relate to this because the bio
dads don't. Understand the gravity of how we
are carrying these burdens. And they think, you know, maybe
it's not their kids. They don't feel the same like
attachment and the same excitement when they come.
And it might be. True, but.
You have to understand that we also didn't sign up for this and
so this drama is also not our own, but we take it on for.
Ourselves. So where I lose?
That sense of. Support is the parts of the
weeks where he's in his fields. And I'm also in my fields
because we're in different feelings and I think he expects
me to feel the same way he does and I just don't.
And so that's when we kind of butt heads and.
No, I think that's pretty similar for me as well.
It's like, not that there's not any part of me that's.
Excited. It's just like we've talked
about before, it's just the whole vibe of the home changes,
just like. If you know when you had, you
know your son recently and that's your bio son, your vibe
of your home changed once he was born.
However, from a stepmom perspective, these aren't our
bio kids, so we don't have that like unconditional love all the
time. I thought we.
Do for our step kid or for our bio?
Kids and so I don't know, it's just harder because I think
with. Our bio kids, it's like.
You make it work no matter what, and I mean.
We do for our step kids too. But when they come into the
home, it changes the family dynamic.
You know when my stepson comes. He's the.
Older brother to my youngest, so my youngest, he's not an only
child anymore and so he has to share all of a sudden.
He has to share the. Attention between me and my
husband. He.
Has to share his toys. And so the dynamic just shifts.
And so like you. Said I sometimes will get like.
Anxious or just? I don't know, just feel.
Stressed before, whereas the opposite.
It's like he. Feels more excited, you know,
and. We butt heads like that.
Too sometimes. I think it's gotten better over
the years, but yeah. Yeah, and I.
Will say we both said that we butt heads.
I think the deep. Root of it is.
And we both kind of come to terms with.
This over a few years is that it's a deep set.
In resentment, and not in the bitter, angry way, but it's like
a resentment of, you know, so. So let's just put this.
Resentment is an unmet. Need that stays stays quiet.
Too long. So what I see?
In my relationship is that if one issue keeps popping up if
it's something around the kids or something around you know the
pickup date or location or something around bio mom and her
communication with us. If we keep.
Hounding, you know, the same topic over and over and I'm
trying to get my point across and he is maybe not acting on it
or, you know, doing what I've asked them.
That builds A resentment to me. And I then kind of resent the
whole situation because he isn't fixing in my eyes, the one thing
that I'm asking him to work on or like help me fix.
And that happens a lot because we have so many issues and it's
just like that one, just. Gets.
Rushed under the rug when the next thing happens because.
If the step kids are. Here all of a sudden and they're
talking about something bio mom said.
And then there's a new issue arising in the house and it's
like, oh. My gosh.
If it's not one thing, it's another, and it's one after
another after another where? You could put these.
Down in your notes, in your phone, then you really will have
resentment because then later you look at these to bring up to
your spouse and you're like, I have so many issues and they're
all because of. Like your ex and your kids.
And so that's like a really bad way to.
Get into a low pit of resentment, do you?
Deal with a lot of. Resentment to or like that
underlying like need that is unmet.
Yeah, and I think you and I can both.
Agree that we dealt. With it more heavily in the
beginning and then it goes and ebbs and flows right?
Like sometimes you'll feel more resentful and sometimes I'll
feel more resentful depending on.
Where we're at? But yeah, no, it's definitely
in. In the beginning I would feel so
much resentment and I'm sure a lot of stepmoms can relate to
this. Because of.
Scheduling, like you know, we did a lot of summers with some
of the step. Kids.
And then there was, you know, our stepson lived with, well, my
stepson lived with us, you know, full time for a few years there.
And not that it was like anyone's fault necessarily.
It's just like as a. Stepmom, you feel so powerless.
Like it just. I feel like I was constantly
being told. Like, oh, this is what's.
Happening. This is when they're coming.
This is how long they're staying.
And it's like in that. Outsider field where we feel.
Like we're an outsider in our home because we're just
expected. To go with the flow, I
completely get that. Continue.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like.
Oh well, they're my. Kids so like, why?
Would you need to know when they're coming and when they're
not? But it's like, no, that's.
What you're not understanding is it's different and they don't
understand that, which I can be more empathetic with now than I
used to be. But.
I I needed to know. Because like you said.
Transition days, for example, or transition times in the summer.
We have one of our. Step kids all.
Summer I need to know because I need to mentally prepare myself.
Because like we were just. Talking about the dynamic of the
whole house changes. We need to go grocery shopping
more. This kid likes this.
This kid doesn't like. This I like to.
Sign up my kids for a lot of sports, you know, So I want my
step kid who lives in a different state.
When they come here for the summer, I want to make sure that
they feel included. But that takes time, that takes
scheduling. It takes all of these things
that moms already do. And while we're doing that and
we're making sure they're included in that.
Their lives wrap around their. Schedule so that they don't lose
their normalcy and then. While our spouse is also.
Protecting, you know, the kids life and their perspective.
Then all of a sudden we start feeling like the.
Least Protected. Person in the house.
And that's really hard. And so resentment isn't about
what happened, it's about what really never changed.
And so, yeah, I think. First spouses out there in.
General for the stepmoms and the husbands or the partners or
fiance's you. Have got to get to the root of
the. Issue and change it.
Before it reoccurs. And before it shows it's ugly
head again because then it's going to snowball and it's
stepmom life there's it's going to be 1 issue after another.
So it's about getting down. To that issue and quickly.
And getting it figured out and moving on to the next problem.
Stepmoms, How are you coping with transition?
Day. I'll tell you how.
I am, I'm lighting my big ass candles to calm my big ass
anxieties and honestly it changes the whole mood of the
house. Same chaos, just calmer vibes
and way better energy. We're obsessed with.
Big ass candles from big. Ass luxuries?
Yep. The ones from Shark Tank.
If you want to try one, use code stepmom at checkout for a
discount. That's code stepmom at.
Checkout Big Ass Candles because.
Stepmom life comes with big ass feelings.
Yes, and I think like women and especially moms.
By default it's like we. Just want everyone to get along.
So sometimes we won't like, say what's bothering us.
And that's when it turns into a resentment and it starts to
fester and it starts to snowball.
And you know, there's a resentment that I'm dealing with
right now and it's snowballed because I didn't communicate.
About it first would. You like to share with the class
Becca? No, not yet.
Maybe one day. That's for.
Our private space, that's coming, yes.
Stay tuned. But yeah, I think you know what
having your back actually means as a stepmom is when you're
communicating what that. Looks like to your.
Husband or to your partner, you know, like, hey, having my back
means I need to know what day they're coming, what day they're
leaving, how long they're staying, or whatever it may be
for you. That's just, you know, one
example of many. Yeah, I think communication and
we can dive into that one next, because communication is.
Seriously. Obviously.
That's so important in every relationship, you know?
Your your coworkers. Relationships, your family
relationships and your spouse beyond your Co, your
communication relationship with your spouse is your
communication relationship with your step parent partner because
that's a completely different communication.
This one's like, hey, no, here's the check in.
This is how I'm doing. This is how I'm not doing.
So our husbands and. You know, partners, They're only
as good as the information you've given.
I don't know if anyone's heard of.
The book this is so. Old men are like waffles and
women are like spaghetti. Do you know that 10?
My gosh. OK, this is something with like
your stepmom movie plug. Let's add this one in there.
Now everyone has a movie night and a book to read.
Oh my gosh. So I'll have to get.
Professional on here to kind of discuss it but in a nutshell
it's like men are like waffles and if you explain this to a man
they do not like it because it sounds so narrow minded but they
imagine the syrup. They get stuck.
In one little square at a time and they can only think about
one thing or do 1 task at a time.
I can never tell my husband. To go listen to his favorite
podcast. While he's mowing the yard, do
you know what my yard would? Look like.
Yeah, yeah. But women, we.
Listen to this podcast while we're.
Facetiming our best friend while we're doing the laundry and, you
know, multitasking left and right like it's nobody's
business and each job gets done. So we are like if you pour syrup
or spaghetti sauce. Onto spaghetti noodles.
We're kind of just all over the place and we can do all the
things at once, but in the same way our mind is going everywhere
at once. So if you look at that in the
ways of how we all think about our step.
Family dynamics and the issues. We have our husbands are.
Thinking about and they're compartmentalizing the issues at
hand. So for instance, I'm totally
going to make this up. Let's see some.
Issue, let's say or just. Transition day, my husband's
just thinking about getting the kids back.
Me, I'm thinking about how is my daughter going to be when the
kids come back? What should I have planned for
the kids when they come back? What should I be doing?
What's my husband going to be like?
How are we going to, you know, what are we going to do for
dinner? I am looking at a million things
at once and I'm kind of spiraling but my husband doesn't
know that because he's stuck in his nice.
Little waffle shell. And he's stuck in this.
Little cube of it's like I just we get the kids back today,
period, end of. Sentence.
End of brain power. Literally.
They're not stupid, but they can go deep into that one hole.
Of the thought process so. Men out there like I am not
trying to say that y'all are narrow minded you know you can't
think are multitask. It sounds like that, but like
literally that's how you're wired.
Women, we're all. Can see the good.
The bad and the ugly on one subject at all times.
So even if something great is happening, we're also thinking
about what's going to happen when bio mom finds out about
this or, you know, so if the. Husbands and spouses.
Can understand that the women can communicate their feelings,
but we're only going to be giving you like 20% of all the
thoughts we're diving into then and you can like dig some more
and say. Like, wow.
How does that make you you feel? Or how did you take transition
day today? Did you feel like?
Anything was different or better.
Like ask us a question so. That's my Ted Talk on
conversations and communication with your spouse, and not that
our communication is great by any.
Means, but we're working. On it and this is what I'm
working on. Yeah, yeah.
No. And I think that's.
Good that like we're. Transparent about it like no
one's marriage is. Perfect.
Ours aren't perfect, but we have learned a lot.
And you know, we have, you know, 5 plus years under our belt.
So, you know, we're starting, we're starting to get into, you
know. A better place for sure.
OK. Let's talk about.
The silent expectations that our partners place on us, but they
don't really realize they're placing on us.
So I think a lot of times that there's just different rules,
right, that moms and dads take on.
Just biologically, just subconsciously, like.
For example, my husband does all the sports things, you know.
That's his job, that's his role. He does all the.
Stuff in the backyard, for example, all those things and
moms, we usually, you know, we take care of the school
communication, you know, signing up for things, little things
like that. I think that sometimes partners
will place the expectation on stepmoms that we're going to be
handling all of that for our step kids when we already are
struggling like. Do I do this?
Do I not do this? So we're like, well.
Well, I don't know. And I know that definitely in
the beginning for me, sometimes it was just.
Expected that I would take care of some, especially before I had
kids. I was like I.
Don't even know how. To do that like I.
Didn't know how to sign up for school by this time or I didn't
even think about getting in school supplies because I'm not
a mom yet. Before.
I didn't know if bio mom was going to do that so I didn't
want to step on. Toes.
So it's just like. I don't know this tug and pull.
I don't know what you've experienced in that realm.
Yet. And the whole idea of.
People thinking, you know, again, we knew what you signed
up for. So there's these sign on
expectations from the general. Public, but also our.
Partners kind of think that too. Like I know I wrote personal
vows for my stepsons and read them to them at our ceremony
when we got married. Wait, wait, sidebar, you did.
That's really cute, This is. That's really cute.
Tell me about it this. Is so cute all of.
Our friends are learning about me with you.
Yes. No, that's cute.
Yeah, I wrote vows to like. I read vows to my husband and
then we had one of the boys come up and he held.
The big boy while I. Read him vows and then the
little boy came up and I held him and I read him about and
that one was. Like he is a wild.
Christian lunatic. And he was too at the time.
So I was like, I promise to encourage your crazy.
Capabilities, you know, we're like but.
In those vows, and this is something I love to.
Say to people like. In these vows, I never said I
promise to handle the intense amounts of stress and insane
comments that come from your other.
House or. Whatever, you know, I never.
Vowed to like, take on all of those gracefully because that
wasn't something. That I had on my radar.
Yeah, we didn't even think about it.
No, the comments and I don't think.
That step kids always do it. Intentionally.
Now with that being said, I think just being a.
Child that has two different. Homes, sometimes they do things
subconsciously, but yes, the comments and they're hurting the
feelings. I did like not sign up.
For or realize. And I think it's different than
when your own bio kit says a comment to you then when your
step kids. Say it to you.
You take it so much more personally and I think the
silent expectation that the partner has.
Is that we'll just. Ignore it or.
It's not a big deal and it's like.
No, that really hurt my feelings because I'm doing XY and Z for
this child and then they say like a mean comment to me and it
really hurts my feelings, you know, and that that that one's
been really hard for me. Like even though I seem like I'm
really like tough and. Whatever have a thick.
Skin like and I think you do too.
Like we're like, we're strong. Women, you know, like we.
Both have like careers. And you know, we have strong
work. Ethics, both of us, but.
We do get our feelings hurt, you know.
It's like just because we're. Like that doesn't mean that
we're not human and that things don't hurt our feelings.
Yeah, that's a message to the spouses.
Again, like understanding. That the facade is just.
Something that we put on so that, you know, we don't want
our children and our stepchildren to see us hurting
and sad and we want them, you know, to grow.
Up to look for. Women like us, you know, that
you know, can just handle the turmoil and the stress and the
daily grind and the grit. Of it all.
But behind closed doors, we're going to break down and I think
that the men have to see again, like the women are like
spaghetti. We're so different.
We are just different, the way we process for a different way
we internally accept everything or the way we communicate is
also different. And when I talk about marriage
after blending, blending the families, of course I didn't
have neither one of us. You and I both didn't have bio.
Kids. So we were just.
Blending, bringing the step kids into our home and yeah, I think
marriage, really. Takes a toll.
It's hard. It challenges you just the same
with like having your own kids. But imagine the way I.
Always like to say it is that. Having step kids is like having
your niece and nephew. At your house all the time
because it's. A bond and a relationship.
More loving than like your best friend's kids, but it's not
quite like your own kids. So.
No, that's a perfect, perfect analogy.
It's just like having someone. That you love to have.
Around but then they're kind of there too long, you know, and
it's like like if your in laws come.
You're welcome to stay here. As long as you want.
Like, this is your son's house too, you know?
Yeah, like we love you. Get out but but yeah.
Your time's up, you know, like it's time to go.
Want to like I? To be able to.
Take off my pants again. Or no.
Like, not like we're putting it on a show.
But like you guys get it like. I want to take this mask.
Off like because I do like. You know, act a little different
than I do with with my own son. It's.
Just the reality of it. So yeah, I think that that's
perfect. Because it's like you are bonded
like how you are to your niece and nephew.
But it is. Different than how you are to
your own biological children. Yes.
And so we also. Had a trauma bond with.
Our spouse because it well. And I don't know if you
necessarily have one because you invented court and let me just.
Say that's like the. Epitome of trauma for stepmoms.
It doesn't get much more traumatizing than like law
enforcement, CPS, court, any of that kind of.
Heavyweight at your door? Not like impending doom.
So when your spouse and you are trauma bonded and the trauma is
linked to people that come to your house.
Every other week or whatever. Every weekend.
Or just Thursdays, or maybe. They live there full time.
If you see. That child, you might love them,
but you'll also be triggered by them and triggered by their
name. Or triggered by like.
If one of them. Looks just like their.
Mom, Oh my gosh. A.
Trigger when you see. Them it's horrible and these
children shouldn't be triggers. But they are.
And that's something we have to heal within ourselves.
Yeah, and it's like, and you feel bad for feeling that way.
Like, you know, you're like. Why do I feel like?
This and I feel like that's why you and I got so close when we
both realized that we had become stepmoms around the same time
because we're like. Why do I feel like this?
Like I feel so. Bad, you know.
But I. Can't make the feeling go.
Away which I think. You and I have gotten better at.
Throughout the years, but. Even now still I can totally
relate to that statement because it's like.
Well, you. Caused the situation we're in.
Feel like that even though they are kids.
But still, it's like they'll say.
Things and go back to the other home and then that parent will
interpretate it a certain way and then it's like, jeez, you
know, it's just so much. And I think I also wanted to
bring out something, I think. That when you have a high.
Conflict bio mom which one of us in this case definitely does and
and you know one of us has had where they are high conflict at
times. Is that is.
So much more difficult on a marriage than a bio mom that you
get along with for the most part.
You know, with one of my bio moms, we do get along for the
most part. You know, we've had our times
like I've discussed, but that is going to be different on my
marriage versus a high conflict bio mom who's might have CPS
coming to the house. Like I'm sorry.
And that stepmom is going to feel different.
They're going to feel way more intense feelings than I would
because when? CPS is coming to your.
House and they might be messing with your own biological
children. That is just different.
I'm sorry, like that's when the Mama bear comes out and and
those triggers can come. Yeah, you don't mess with the
internal family and. So who else are we going to?
Like we're not going to get on to the kids and be like, oh, I'm
annoyed with you because of your mom.
We're. Going to go to our.
Spouse, I'm annoyed with you. Because of your ex.
And so a lot of these don't. Need to be directed at the X.
Although we don't have another outlet and we don't want to vent
to our friends who are not stepmoms.
That is a big. Lesson that Becca and I are
going to get into in another. Episode so everyone just.
Hang and bear with us, because that's coming.
That's just a. Deep, deep episode that.
We want to be. Well, prepared for, but yeah,
there's got to be. A place where you can unload as
a stepmom, unpack the trauma that you're carrying.
Every day. Because every day.
There's going to be new trauma with you hear from bio mom or if
you. Are triggered by see your step
kids or your step. Kids has something or.
You have to wear pants today because your step.
Kids are home. That's traumatizing.
OK, so there has to be a. Space.
It's not your spouse all the time, and it certainly is not
your friends that are not stepmoms.
That's an easy. Plug that we are for sure.
Working on a space for stepmoms to come together and have these
moments. But you have us.
Come here, vent, unload, send us questions.
We're here for y'all. That's all I have on that.
No, definitely I wanted to get into and we kind of did talk
about this in the. Last episode with Kristen but.
I wanted to dive a little bit. Deeper into it, what is?
The partner's job. Versus what is our job as the?
Stepmom in the house. So like what do?
You think should be handled by your partner and not the
stepmom. Like at all.
OK, a few things here. I work in Hospice, so something
we preach on daily is called caregiver burnout.
And this is. Where the caregiver of the.
Sick 1 is usually like a. Spouse.
Or a son or daughter. And they are.
Caring for this sick person for SO.
Long and trying to take. Care of their needs.
Emotionally and physically and mentally and you know.
Like literally their future needs.
So they burn out so quick that they are the next patient on
Hospice because once that patient passes.
The spouse or the loved? One becomes initially all this
sickness grows in their endocrine system and
materializes into their brain and it just breaks down their
body so much because stress is the most toxic sickness that we
can have so. There's also something called
Caregiver. Burnout with stepmoms and
caregiver burnout is, you know, similar.
Whereas like set, moms are the first to burnout.
Typically because a these. Are not our children, so
unfortunately all this work. We're doing is for.
Someone that isn't our own, so it doesn't come natural and it's
not innate, so it's a heavier. Load of work.
Even doing the laundry, these are not our children's laundry,
so it's not just like a second thought and we're just doing it
while we're watching TV. This is like we see.
A memory when we're folding their shirts like, oh, they came
over from. Like.
Everything is heavy, so stepmoms have this burnout that happened.
So fast. And we don't have an outlet.
There is no. Outlet for us, you can go for a
jog. You know you can take a nap.
You can drink some wine. Whatever your your sources,
light a candle. And palm down but.
Yeah, we have to protect ourselves, take care of
ourselves because. If we burn out.
What are we for our children? What are we for the step kids?
What are we for? Our house we're not taking care
of our house and our step kids if we're not taking care of.
Ourselves. What does that look like?
How do we do that? It's.
Easier said than done. But also like the spouses can
step up without picking sides. That being said, this is a.
Conversation you have to have with your own spouse, you know
that. Doesn't just work everywhere
where? You can say, hey, this is going
to be your job, this is my job. And like when the step kids
come, it's uneven or you get more.
Jobs because they're your kids. So it's kind of a.
House by house situation. But you do.
Have to. Really dive into that.
Yeah, and I think it's important because not obviously when
you're married to someone, you guys are not going to agree on
everything. You're just not.
And and if you do, then I guess you married yourself.
I don't know, but you're going to have disagreements about
everything. But when it comes to
disagreements? About your step kids I.
Think it is a lot more of a sensitive topic and you know,
you know, our partners can get a lot more defensive about things
and it's really difficult at times.
So I think how partners can step up without taking sides is.
To always show a. United Front and my husband and
I have gotten so much. Better at this is.
We don't agree on some things, but in front of the.
Kids, our bio kids or our step kids?
We try our hardest. We're not perfect.
We do not discuss disagreements we might have about something,
whether it's a simple I think he should have taken out the trash,
or it's something more serious about something, Bio Mom said.
Whatever you know. Is the case we show.
United front and then we shut it down and then later.
You're able to discuss that with your.
Partner in a way that. Is just for adults.
To hear and then and you can talk.
About it, but that's how. For me at.
Least how I receive. It best is when my partner, you
know, might stick up for me or might shut down the conversation
in front of others, but then we can talk in.
Private like hey. I don't agree with you on this.
I think that you handled this actually incorrectly with bio
mom. You know what?
Like I think you were not nice or I think that.
She was right. But I would never say that in
front of my children or anyone else because marriage is very
sacred. And me and Alyssa, we don't want
to get divorced. We're not trying to have our
kids have a stepmom. Right.
We are working our. Butts off, so we're.
Trying to do this as best as we know how.
Wait, we love stepmoms support. All of y'all.
But we don't want any of you to be our stepmoms to our kids.
Just kidding. OK, well.
Some of you guys are really, really great.
I'm like, wow, you sound like a. Better mom than I know.
I know and I. We would be those.
Bio moms that are friends with the stepmoms because we
understand. Like those people?
That are like reposting or are shit and they're like.
I feel really bad for these people.
I. Love the stepmom to my children
or I love the bio mom. I'm like, great.
I felt like that at first. Too, But things changed I.
Literally that's. You think we want this?
Conflict. I'm sorry that you think that I
woke. Up one day and was like I don't
like a happy. Household, I would love to just.
Be up all night, be picking fights with my husband.
Just because of his ex? What?
Yeah, no, definitely. And I think for my situation,
because I have two bio moms involved, the second one is the
one that I am cool with but she understands.
Because she dealt with the. First one.
Listen, stepmoms, listen So. She understands and is nicer.
Becca was at a sports. Event last night texting me and
she was like I'm sitting next to bio mom right now.
I was like, what? What were you forced to or there
no other seats available? How did that happen?
Like? Why didn't you just leave and go
home like. I this is I.
Can't wrap my head around this. Because this is like a.
Dream set, mom world, perfect vision and I bet 90% of our
listeners just don't have that and anyone that has it.
We love to hear the success stories.
We love to hear it. Don't judge us because we want
to be you. Yeah, I know.
And I think and I. Love that for the most part we
do have that relationship but. It's taken a lot sort of
invisible boundaries that I've set just for myself and with.
That. Relationship, but I mean I've.
Told her this, I'll tell. Everyone and people might think
I'm crazy for saying this, but she's my family at the end of
the day, you know? And if she needs something?
I got her back and. You know, I might not always.
Feel like that with the. Other one, even though there's a
lot. Of things I like about her too,
but. But this one, like we are
family. And you know what?
Families don't always like each other and so we know that and
we've. Had talks like that.
Hey, I did not. Like you did that?
It's not perfect by any means, so don't.
Don't get it twisted guys, but yeah, we do usually sit by each
other at. Sporting events and and we talk
about my stepson, how he's doing and, and that's.
Cool, because yeah, we love. Watching him play that just.
Sounds so cool to me. I wish and it can.
Happen one day. She is proof, everyone.
Becca is proof. That it's not stepmoms.
Because guess what? She's.
Dealing with two bio moms and one the relationship is shitty
and the other one the relationship is fine.
So guess what? It's not stepmoms, every bio mom
is different and that's how the each one.
Goes All right, I digress. Back to spouses.
I have some like write it down with a pen kind of key points to
hit on for spouses here just to kind of wrap.
It up a little bit. Something.
To that we are asked. Constantly.
Stepmoms need their spouses to understand this.
Here's one We are not too sensitive.
We are just overexposed. We are retired or overexposed.
To trauma overexposed to drama overexposed to negativity more
than the normal. Body is allowed.
And supposed to be and sensitivity isn't the problem.
It's a lack of protection. Women need to feel emotionally
safe in order to open up. We can't open up to our.
Spouses. If we don't feel emotionally
safe and if the. Spouse is the reason.
That we're not emotionally safe and maybe it's not him.
Directly, but it's his ex. You know, and coming into our
house through attorneys. Or through the step kids or.
That one person that posted like that stepmom sent a drone over.
To their house with a. Camera on it or something that's
a violation and that's. That's.
Crazy. I read that and I was like,
that's so wild. So that stepmom.
Is feeling unsafe. And it has.
To do with the spouse, it has to do with that so.
We walk into emotionally charged situations without any history.
Or authority. And what looks like small to you
husbands, it lands heavy on us because it's constant and it's
forever. And.
We don't see an end. Insight.
So it's this. Never ending.
Pit and so just so. Husbands can lose this
delusional like that. We're sensitive women.
We're just overexposed. Overstimulated.
Over. We're done.
We're over it. Another one is that love doesn't
cancel. Discomfort like yes, we love
you. We can.
Still love you and care about the kids and we can struggle
these. Truths.
All can exist at the same time. If you say they're just.
Kids or they don't mean it, you know, or you're misdirecting
your anger. It's not the kids.
It just makes our feelings feel like they're not as important
and they're less. And then.
Or makes it more intense for me. If someone says that to me
right, I get mad. I'm like, I'm sorry, what?
Like. Because we feel less important
to me. Yeah, We feel like our our
feelings are not important. So our feelings get heightened.
Yeah, exactly. And then I really spiral.
No, I think the most important thing I want.
Bio dats to hear, is that validate?
Our feelings Even if you don't understand and you don't feel
the same way, you can. Still be respectful of your.
Partner and listen to them. And validate what they're.
Feeling, even if you don't understand and you're like, I
don't know, this lady is crazy. I don't know why she thinks
this, but don't say that. Yeah.
Neutral is still a choice. That was exactly what I.
Was going to come at next silence.
It feels like agreement, but hesitation feels like
abandonment. So let me repeat that silence
feels like agreement. The hesitation feels like
abandonment. So we don't need you to attack
anyone, but we need you to lead. You know, we need you to handle
the hard stuff. And and another thing is that
just we are adjusting every day. You have to know that we take
these ebbs and flows and we're taking these hits and we're
realigning ourselves with the situation, and that's a constant
work. For us, it's like a.
Workout 24/7. So.
Do we have a listener? Question to wrap this up.
Yes, I have a couple. So this kind of goes along with
what we're talking about and kind of went along with
boundaries. Last week, but how?
Can I get my partner to not over share?
Our life with. Bio mom call him, Yeah.
Let's go back to communication. Go back to the part.
On your podcast. Episode where you.
See, it says communication talk. Through that with your stuff.
And I promise if you have more issues come message.
Us because we'll talk you through it we'll.
Talk to you and we're building a private space for that so we can
really talk you. Through it with your
relationship. Yeah.
And I think. Like if this is.
Like a newer relationship. For you that.
Sometimes I think bio dads want to like and just men in general
want to be like. Yeah, we're good over here.
We're we're doing this for doing that.
And so maybe it's not like from a perspective of oversharing
necessarily as like, I love my wife and this is what we're
doing and but I completely understand why you wouldn't want
that. OK, another one and for another
one. We do.
Do you have it or do you want me to do it?
OK, let's see. There's so many good ones.
OK, All right, I like. This one OK this stepmom asks
how can I deal with the constant need that bio mom has to text my
husband to Co parent their son and the stepmom says in my
opinion it's. Just so that.
She can stay connected to my husband.
Oh, this one's so gross. We don't deal with this.
Unfortunately. But this is where the.
Community will come in handy girl.
So many people do. So this is.
About control. It's about micromanaging and
control. And she's trying to.
Control what happens at your. House control your relationship
and how it succeeds. And yeah, this is just gross.
In my opinion, what you have. To do is have a.
Conversation with your partner. I'm sorry, I'm not saying she's
gross. Maybe I'm saying that this is a.
Gross. This is a sick part to deal
with. And this is exactly what we
were. Talking about, it's very hard
for us to. Have to deal with this kind of
stuff. This is insane.
Any other normal married family they don't have to deal.
With this outsider. Coming into their marriage.
So anyways, you need to talk. Because an ex isn't?
Yeah. Because an X is an X.
So if you don't share. Kids like this won't even.
Be a situation so yeah, no, we. Get it?
This is This is hard but but. Yeah.
And then I would say keep it from 8:00 to 5:00, the
communication back and forth. Tell him he can tell her I'm
only going to respond 8 to 5 member.
It's a business transaction. We talked.
About this a few episodes ago. And this is he can say unless
it's an emergency, then I, you know, nights and weekends, you
can have my full attention, but and then tell him to keep it
short. She won't get the hint.
Keep it short. Keep it 1 to 2 words.
Got it. OK, got it.
And if she's talking about you, he needs to keep her name out of
your mouth. That's it.
Put like end of story. Yes.
No, definitely, definitely. Well, I think that's all we
have. Time for today, but we are so
excited. For next week and send us your
questions and. We hope you guys.
Have an emotionally regulated week.
Happy transition. Day.
Happy D-Day. Oh, bye.
Bye. That's it for this.
Week on stepmom side chats We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom
besties before you go if something.
We said hit a little. Close to home.
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We'll chat with you all soon.