1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,640 Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom Side Chats. 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,480 We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca, 2. 3 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:13,720 Stepmoms who are done pretending everything's perfect. 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,160 This is where we talk boundaries, Co parenting, hard 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,360 truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud. 6 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,240 If you're ready for real talk, real growth, and a little bit of 7 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:24,960 spice, let's. Get into it. 8 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:31,120 Hello, hello Alyssa and all the stepmoms out. 9 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:37,280 There and all you listeners. You Beautiful people, welcome to 10 00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:40,800 another episode of Stepmom Side chats. 11 00:00:41,160 --> 00:00:45,160 It's just us today, so hopefully we can keep you all's attention. 12 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,840 Excuse me, just. Us, we are the main. 13 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:55,360 Course true true, true. And how's your week been going? 14 00:00:55,560 --> 00:00:58,040 I really haven't gotten to talk to you like too much and. 15 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,720 OK, yeah, this is actually a good time to tell you. 16 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:05,360 My husband went to the gym today and that's great and all, but he 17 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,680 didn't have much of A workout because he got called by the 18 00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:13,720 kids school, step kids school, and one of the kiddos was just 19 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:17,080 acting up all naughty. Long story short, we put it in 20 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:20,000 our little notes for next time we meet with the attorney, next 21 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:24,200 time we're in court because to put it on record that they also 22 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,520 act up when they're at bio mom's house. 23 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:30,640 It's super important to have these things documented and to 24 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:36,080 document it like in real time so that, you know, six months from 25 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:38,640 now when you find yourself wrapped up in court, there you 26 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,280 go. You can just say look back at 27 00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,080 your notes. You don't have to do all this 28 00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:47,080 searching and fishing and you're like, hey, I have proof that XY 29 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,320 and Z happened. So anyways, that's my end of the 30 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:53,960 week. So I have a question did the 31 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:58,480 teacher call him or like? Does he like three-way them like 32 00:01:58,480 --> 00:01:59,880 or like? How does that work? 33 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:04,560 Yes, that principal called that's how bad it is they are 34 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:07,960 the principal called him and I was like well does bio mom know 35 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,720 yet? And he said that they left a 36 00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:14,320 message for bio mom. But apparently my step kiddo, he 37 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:19,840 his excuse to the for being naughty to the teachers was that 38 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:24,400 he was out sick, quote UN quote on Monday, not sick. 39 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:27,400 And then last Friday he was away on vacation. 40 00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:30,200 So his excuse was that he hasn't been in school much and I'm 41 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,280 like, who's who kept you out of school? 42 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:38,040 Wasn't my house, That's all. That's wild. 43 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,920 Yeah, well, I guess you're not the problem. 44 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:45,040 So interesting. What's going on with you? 45 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:51,080 Well, last this last weekend we had a birthday party for my 46 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:55,000 stepson. He turned 11, so that was 47 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:58,320 interesting by. Interesting. 48 00:02:58,760 --> 00:03:02,080 Tell more. Bio mom planned it this year, 49 00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:05,120 which was honestly really nice because I've planned in the last 50 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:08,280 couple years and as we all know, I'm just like not a birthday 51 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:12,960 party party person, but when I am planning a party, I like just 52 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,880 go super psycho and probably spend way too much money. 53 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:19,000 So it's really nice to, you know, just kind of sit back, 54 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,640 enjoy the show. And it ended up actually being 55 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:24,840 pretty cool and it was fun. That's good. 56 00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:26,920 She's normal. You know, it's just funny 57 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,800 though, because it's like, so many of the parents came and 58 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,920 like, because he was with us for a little full time. 59 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,600 And then some of them have met her, some of them have met me. 60 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:37,600 And I think like everyone's confused. 61 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,760 They're like, yeah. Oh. 62 00:03:41,080 --> 00:03:43,440 Is this like a treble? Are we still wives? 63 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,320 No, no, my husband really said that. 64 00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:49,000 He's like, I think they think that I'm like, probably because 65 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,680 we're like. That's why you shouldn't talk to 66 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,480 her. I'm like, hey, I'm. 67 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:57,560 So and so and then this is his mom and then I'm the stepmom. 68 00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:59,360 But they're like, wait, I thought you were the mom. 69 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,160 I thought she was the step. Who is she? 70 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:04,720 And then they're like looking at her like, who is Becca? 71 00:04:04,720 --> 00:04:07,400 Like, you know, it was just kind of funny though, because 72 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:09,800 honestly, me and her thought it was kind of funny though, 73 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,200 because we were like watching everyone's little head spinning. 74 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:16,240 We're like, you know, like, like, it's so funny how confused 75 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,839 people are. Step mom's minds everywhere 76 00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:21,480 blowing right now. You're blowing our minds. 77 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,200 What? They were in the same room 78 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:24,520 together. They're at the same place 79 00:04:24,520 --> 00:04:25,880 together. They were talking. 80 00:04:25,880 --> 00:04:27,880 They were both giggling about this together. 81 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,120 You're living in a fantasy world that most of us don't know of. 82 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:34,520 Never heard of it. Y'all will have to tell me like 83 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,840 do birthday parties exist after elementary school? 84 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:38,720 Like, I don't know. I don't. 85 00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:42,160 Think so really good question, 'cause you and I are both kind 86 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:46,520 of coming up on that and my step kiddos turning 11 and this 87 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,160 summer. So I don't know. 88 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:51,040 Yeah, that's a really. Wait, do you do separate 89 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,680 birthday parties? You betcha. 90 00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:56,760 Or you just don't do any? Do you just not do or do you 91 00:04:56,760 --> 00:05:00,200 just not do any? Yes, so that's exactly the 92 00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,720 stepmom problem of the year. I was doing my own always 93 00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,840 because I was like, of course she's not going to invite us to 94 00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,960 their birthday parties. And then and sometimes I have 95 00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,480 them on their birthday. Just that's not one we share. 96 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,440 It just depends on if we actually have them that day. 97 00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:16,640 So if I do, I'm going to throw the party. 98 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:20,720 But if not, something we've relinquished control of is not 99 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,680 actually throwing the birthday party anymore. 100 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,480 Believe it, my husband. That's good. 101 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,080 No, that was us this year. It was like so weird for me 102 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:33,240 because I'm just used to doing it by myself and like, she's not 103 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:35,200 even here. So I don't even like have to 104 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,400 consider her. So I was texting you a lot 105 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:38,800 because I was like, should I do this? 106 00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:41,000 Should I do that? And it's like, I don't know if 107 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,440 it's just me as a stepmom, but I feel like stepmoms are so 108 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:46,840 controlling and like, I feel like literally God's like, Hey, 109 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:48,880 you know what? You like to control everything. 110 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,240 I'm going to make you the stepmom because like I, I can't 111 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,520 control this. Like it wasn't my party, wasn't 112 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:56,120 my year. Exactly. 113 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:59,960 But it's like it was. But anywho today I wanted to 114 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:04,840 talk about something that I know you and I have definitely both 115 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:08,680 gone through and this is what started make us super close 116 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:12,760 again and that is friendships while being a stepmom. 117 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:17,080 Or lack thereof. Y'all for disclaimer real quick, 118 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:21,240 this is really like touchy subject to me in particular, 119 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,840 both Becca and I, this is something we thought long and 120 00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:26,800 hard about talking about and discussing with everyone. 121 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:31,080 And it's something that we've talked about together in the 122 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:34,920 privacy of our own chat between me, Becca and the T-Mobile 123 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:38,960 carrier. Some of these things haven't 124 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:42,720 been said to like even our husbands at some point. 125 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:47,840 They have not been said to most of our friends And you know, 126 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:51,400 having, I'm just going to put this out there, having friends 127 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:55,800 that are not stepmoms is a really tough thing to navigate. 128 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:59,080 I don't think you can do it. You know, lightheartedly is 129 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:02,040 something that requires a lot of work and a lot of conscious 130 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,520 effort of like what you're going to say, what you're not going to 131 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,960 say. And to be completely 132 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:10,320 transparent, we're going to talk about situations where we have 133 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:14,240 lost friendships because of being a stepmom simply by being 134 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:17,960 a stepmom. So whether this is something 135 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:21,600 that you guys have dealt with already or it's something that, 136 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:25,720 you know, you're kind of dipping into and you're starting to see 137 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:29,160 these things pop up with your friendships or if you're like, 138 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,080 you know, my friends are great. They all understand. 139 00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:37,400 Take a lesson from this because we kind of wish we did some 140 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:42,520 things different and we learned some things the hard way. 141 00:07:42,520 --> 00:07:45,120 So you can always just learn a lesson from us too, so this 142 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:49,640 doesn't become you. But with that being said, pass 143 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:54,000 the disclaimer. Let's start with the fact that 144 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,680 there is this shift that you don't see coming. 145 00:07:57,400 --> 00:08:00,680 So the people that I was talking about that really haven't had 146 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:03,000 this issue yet. There will be the shift that you 147 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:06,720 don't see coming because friends are supportive, hopefully, 148 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:09,400 right? They are curious. 149 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,720 They're invested. They invest time in you. 150 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,480 You invest time in them, your kids, their kids. 151 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:17,920 You know, you have play dates, you listen to each other's 152 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:20,960 problems, right? Something that my mom taught me 153 00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:27,000 growing up is that you're an ATM and you don't want to word vomit 154 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,840 too much and give too much without or like take too much 155 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:33,159 out of someone without putting more into it, right? 156 00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:36,280 At a certain point, the ATM is going to be like, you have to 157 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,640 add more into the machine. We can't just keep giving you 158 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,120 money. So it's same with friendships. 159 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:47,320 It's so important to equally give as much as you take. 160 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,560 So if you're needing advice from friends all the time, it's going 161 00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,680 to drain them and strain your relationship. 162 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,360 If you're needing to vent all the time, where are they going 163 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,480 to see the benefit of the friendship, right? 164 00:08:58,560 --> 00:09:03,120 It's so important to then turn it around, you know, see when 165 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:06,760 time's up and for that conversation, it's time to be 166 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,120 done and turn around on your friendships. 167 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:16,840 So over time, the energy does change and it shifts into like a 168 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,280 tiring friendship. They get tired of the stories, 169 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:21,320 they get tired of the venting, the complaining. 170 00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:23,480 And it's even the same with like our husbands. 171 00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:26,480 That's why I don't go to him, to all of this. 172 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,760 That's why I had to have backup. That's why we have to have a 173 00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:32,080 stepmom support system in a village, as I like to call it 174 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,600 our village, because they understand and they're so 175 00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:39,800 willing to listen because they can also vent with you instead 176 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:43,440 of just listening to you. So instead of having to be a 177 00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,600 constant ATM with a stepmom, it's like having a credit card. 178 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:51,760 It's like endless funds. Yeah, no, I agree with you. 179 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,320 What? OK, so when you first became a 180 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,880 stepmom, both of us, we both didn't have biological kids yet. 181 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:03,840 Did any of your friends have kids yet or have step kids when 182 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:06,280 you became a stepmom? Because mine did not. 183 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,120 Write same. Well no, I didn't have step 184 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:12,480 kids. I've never had stepmom friends 185 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:16,880 besides you, but all my friends had kids so yes. 186 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:20,760 I. Yeah, OK, so interesting. 187 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:24,120 When we got married, yeah, everyone was kind of older and 188 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,880 just had kids and so, but my husband's a little older. 189 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:30,040 So they were all his age range, which is not much older, but 190 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,360 they just, they had little kids already, so. 191 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:37,960 OK, yeah, no, when I first became a stepmom, well, I was 192 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:43,760 still the girlfriend, so, but I remember they didn't have any 193 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,200 kids. They were still partying really 194 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:49,360 super hard, going out still and partying and things. 195 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,600 And I had just become a stepmom. And it's it was to my youngest, 196 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,800 the one I always talk about that I'm really close with. 197 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:58,560 And honestly I just wanted to stay home with him and I 198 00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:00,400 honestly felt guilty for leaving him. 199 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:02,800 And I know that sounds so strange because I'm like, oh, 200 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,240 you're like, oh, it's just your stepson and I. 201 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:10,680 Remember sweet, you're so. I remember one of my friends 202 00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:15,360 said to me, they're like, those are his kids, not yours. 203 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:17,640 Like you don't need to stay home and help him. 204 00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:21,000 And I'm like, and he didn't even ask me to like do that. 205 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,640 I just had started to really develop a bond with them and I 206 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:28,680 wanted to stay home and I would have rather hung out with him 207 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:33,000 and the kids, my step kids, then go out and watch everyone drink 208 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,320 when I don't drink anyways. And it's just like my life was 209 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:42,120 so, you know, changing so rapidly and theirs was kind of 210 00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:45,360 staying the same. Not that their way of life was 211 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,200 wrong or anything like that, but they just don't understand. 212 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:52,800 And that's kind of like where the fallout kind of started. 213 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:56,600 There were some other things too, I think just friendships in 214 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,240 general in your life. Like, I feel like there's 215 00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:02,840 seasons and then there's like your forever friends, right? 216 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:08,360 And I think at that time it was just, we were all going 217 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:11,240 different ways and it just wasn't aligning anymore. 218 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,920 But then on top of it, like you said, we became a stepmom. 219 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:20,080 So it was like, Oh my gosh. And they just didn't get it, you 220 00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:21,800 know? Cuz I see it from their point of 221 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,080 view. They're like, oh, those are his 222 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:26,280 kids, you know? So I see what they mean, but 223 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,120 they don't understand. Sure. 224 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:33,360 It's it is the theme of the episode is they don't get it. 225 00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,400 So it's not a fault of their own. 226 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,040 They just don't get it. They don't experience it, they 227 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:39,400 don't live it. And it's the same for the 228 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:44,360 families or the friends that have families or just regular 229 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,920 kids of their own, bio kids. And they kind of fall out of 230 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:50,400 your friend group because they want to find people that are 231 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,520 similar to them, have similar interests, similar priorities, 232 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:58,000 similar schedules. So this is just a thing like 233 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,160 there should be 3 realms in this world. 234 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,240 People without kids, people with kids, people with step kids. 235 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,520 It's like it's a whole different beast and it's its own world. 236 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:14,760 Yeah. And I think that when I started 237 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,280 really getting into like the nitty gritty of everything, I 238 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:21,040 really felt so isolated. I was like, I have no one to 239 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:24,400 talk to about these different feelings that I'm having. 240 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,680 I feel like I shouldn't even have these feelings. 241 00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:31,960 Like why am I getting frustrated or annoyed or feeling really 242 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,280 irritable sometimes when my step kids are over? 243 00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:40,440 Why am I feeling like jealous or resentful and all of these 244 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:43,640 feelings that were coming up for me and I had no one to talk to 245 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:46,480 and I couldn't talk to them about it because they're not 246 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:48,320 stepmoms. They weren't even, you know, 247 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,640 real moms yet. So they they really didn't get 248 00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,000 it. And that's kind of when you and 249 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,880 I started to really reconnect again. 250 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:58,400 And I was like, thank God because I really thought I was 251 00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:01,920 crazy. I was like, I am the meanest 252 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:05,400 person. Like I'm going to hell. 253 00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:08,720 And I cannot believe I'm having these thoughts like. 254 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:13,400 Nobody will get it and they will make you feel crazy. 255 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:16,120 They will make you feel like a terrible person to no fault of 256 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,280 their own again because they just don't get it. 257 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,400 You don't understand it until you live it. 258 00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:27,000 What I noticed though is like what really happens is you start 259 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,400 bringing up a situation that's bugging you. 260 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,480 For instance, mine was like the whole court thing in the CPS 261 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:36,520 thing and my friends were like dumbfounded, shocked, upset for 262 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,720 me, frustrated for me, helping me find resources to here's a 263 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,160 good attorney that my friend used. 264 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,920 You know, they, it was all fine at the beginning. 265 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:47,440 And so then next time we had another instance or issue like 266 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,440 that, I felt comfortable bringing it up again. 267 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:52,160 And then they were like, again, you know, blah, blah. 268 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,080 But then it happened again and I wanted to bring it up again. 269 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:59,160 And these things get repetitive. It gets boring to talk about and 270 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:02,200 to hear about, especially when you don't live it and you're 271 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,400 like, jeez, lady, OK, we got it the first time. 272 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,680 But it's like, yeah, but it's like, it's our real life. 273 00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:13,640 It's our everyday reality. Like we have to talk about it, 274 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,640 invent and have someone who's supportive, right? 275 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:20,160 Because I think, and I say it's all the time on social media and 276 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:23,640 just hear this from friends who might not be a stepmom and just 277 00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,920 outside society is like, well, just don't be with him. 278 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:30,760 Just don't be with him. Oh, he's not doing that just OK, 279 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:34,280 well, you just need to do this or just don't share money and it 280 00:15:34,280 --> 00:15:36,440 will be so easy. Or just don't do this. 281 00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,920 And then the step family dynamic will be so easy. 282 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,840 And it's like like we always talk about there's no 283 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:45,240 one-size-fits-all. And so when people start to say 284 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:49,600 that about your marriage, for me at least, I get really 285 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,960 defensive. Like I really believe in the 286 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,360 power of marriage and the sacredness of it. 287 00:15:56,640 --> 00:16:01,000 And it's really important to find friends that you can event 288 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,840 to and discuss things, but that are also really supportive and 289 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:06,280 can bring you back. And I have found a couple 290 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:08,520 friends that even though I am a stepmom, they'll bring me back. 291 00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:12,080 Like, no, remember, this is hard, but your marriage is 292 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,160 important. You know, it's like, it's really 293 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:17,440 important to have friends that you can kind of share with My 294 00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,880 husband's being annoying right now, but still have your best 295 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,640 interest and the marriage at heart. 296 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:26,160 Not like get divorced. Like, Oh yeah, 100%. 297 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:28,680 I still think we can have friends and we can have friends 298 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:32,240 that don't have step kids. My whole take on it is that we 299 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,240 need to know how to have these friendships, what to avoid, 300 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,440 Where is the right time to read the room situation, You know, 301 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,400 are you at like a trip and there's all these people in 302 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:43,880 there? One of your friends nicely asked 303 00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,720 like, hey, how's it going with crazy bio mom? 304 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:48,920 That's where you insert funny joke. 305 00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,840 Funny, relatable joke. Leave it at that. 306 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,280 Don't get all into it. This isn't time to word vomit. 307 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:57,520 Nobody wants to hear like, OK, you're all sitting around 308 00:16:57,520 --> 00:16:59,840 campfire drinking. This was my problem. 309 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:01,760 We were on a beach trip, everyone. 310 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,760 We were all sitting around the fire on the beach drinking. 311 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:08,960 The girls were all hanging out. The guys were separate and there 312 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,560 were probably six families there, including us. 313 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,119 And they one of my friends was just like, hey, how is it going? 314 00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:18,200 You know, with crazy bio mom. And then she was like, tell so 315 00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,720 and so over here. I'm not going to say her name. 316 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:23,040 Tell her what happened. So I got into it and sure, we 317 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,560 were drinking. And so it was just like, you 318 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,520 know, it was word vomit completely. 319 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:31,560 And I finished the story and I kind of saw some faces glaze 320 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:34,520 over, some of them being like, oh, CPS came and like the 321 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:37,080 judgement of like, maybe you're a little. 322 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,520 And I was. I just wish so bad I could have 323 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,160 taken it back. And then I find out from my 324 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:46,880 husband when he's hanging out with all the guys that he also 325 00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:51,000 is word vomiting because they nicely asked, how's it going, 326 00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,520 man? I know it's tough. 327 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:56,040 You have the court stuff and you know, it's hard for someone 328 00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:59,160 that's in it. And that feels so deeply to be 329 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:02,440 like, oh, it's all right. That just is impossible. 330 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,080 It's so hard to just lie and say that. 331 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:07,720 And I know we need to train ourselves to a little bit for 332 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,560 the audience sake, like the friends that don't need to hear 333 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:14,560 the details. But yeah, it's that's instantly 334 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,720 how you just break up friendships and they suddenly 335 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:20,520 are like, let's not invite that couple because they always talk 336 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:24,160 about their ex in court and that's like boring. 337 00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:29,320 The judgement is something that you just said that really like 338 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:33,040 stood out to me is that you start to talk about these things 339 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:36,680 with people even at like your extended family and like you 340 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:41,440 just can feel the judgement And it's like, oh, I can't like vent 341 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:45,840 or tell my truth or what I'm going through because I'm being 342 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:48,040 judged. And for stepmoms, that's super 343 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,320 hard because we already feel like we're being judged 344 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:54,720 constantly in our own homes, by our step kids, by bio mom, even 345 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:58,760 by our husbands. So then when you start to vent 346 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,400 or share some of these things with your friends and family and 347 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,600 you start to feel judged, it feels like you're not safe 348 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,720 anymore. And for me at least, it's felt 349 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:10,400 like almost like I had to like recluse more and like stuff my 350 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,920 feelings down more, which isn't healthy. 351 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,680 Either no, that's absolutely going to make you sick. 352 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:20,880 Like, just ask our somatic healer Maggie. 353 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:24,040 She will tell you that will just eat you alive. 354 00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:26,880 And if you start going through the therapy, I'll be like, it 355 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:28,720 feels like something grows in my stomach. 356 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:30,000 Should be like. It's probably something you 357 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,520 didn't let out. So true. 358 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:39,680 But yeah, I mean, so I know that, you know, it's OK if they 359 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:43,080 judge only because what else are they going to do? 360 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,400 It's a weird situation. They don't understand. 361 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,360 It's goes back to they don't get it. 362 00:19:47,440 --> 00:19:49,640 We have to, like, give them a little forgiveness here. 363 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,560 We judge. We are so judgy. 364 00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:54,760 It's totally fine. No judge, judge away. 365 00:19:56,800 --> 00:20:02,040 But the stuff is that this is really heavy information that we 366 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,360 give. Everything's very personal to 367 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:08,800 us. Step moms, how are you coping 368 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,320 with transition day? I'll tell you how I am. 369 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:16,240 I'm lighting my big ass candles to calm my big ass anxieties and 370 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,760 honestly it changes the whole mood of the house. 371 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,480 Same chaos, just calmer vibes and way better energy. 372 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:26,440 We're obsessed with big ass candles from big ass luxuries. 373 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:30,800 Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. If you want to try one, use code 374 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,960 stepmom at checkout for a discount. 375 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:38,280 That's code stepmom at checkout, big ass candles because stepmom 376 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,320 life comes with big ass feelings. 377 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:50,120 Not everyone has the capacity to hold this kind of stress long 378 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,240 term. That's going to affect them as 379 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:55,280 well as us. Like if we hold it in, what is 380 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,440 it going to do to our friends that hear this and don't 381 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,320 understand it? They're going to be thinking it 382 00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:01,920 over and over and it's going to be replaying. 383 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:05,680 So stress them out and then eventually to them you are just 384 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:09,800 going to be stressed. So I don't know or they just. 385 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:12,520 Don't know what to say. They just like look at you and 386 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:14,160 like they don't know what to say. 387 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,720 And I definitely had that. Like some of my friends are so 388 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:19,280 sweet. Like I will vent to them 389 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:21,320 sometimes. Not as much as I used to, but 390 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:24,520 I'll share things. And like, they try so hard to 391 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:28,400 get it, but they just don't. And you know, I know they just 392 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,200 like, don't know what to say. They're like, yeah, that's crazy 393 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:33,240 that that happened. And then they just kind of look 394 00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:35,440 at me like I'm like. So anyways. 395 00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,520 Yes, that's exactly like by the fire. 396 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:41,120 It was just like there was kind of crickets. 397 00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:46,560 It was fire, fire crackles. It was just like, OK, so and how 398 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:50,520 is your, you don't have stepson, How's your you don't have court? 399 00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:55,200 How is your like? There's nothing you can relate 400 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:56,920 to. We've got to learn how to have 401 00:21:56,920 --> 00:22:00,560 the conversation, how to answer the question without the drama 402 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,880 around it. And that for me is just so hard. 403 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:08,400 And there's also something I want to touch on where you know 404 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:11,480 how we all say we did not sign up for this as stepmoms. 405 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,440 We totally did not sign up for this. 406 00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,360 We didn't know what we got ourselves into. 407 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:19,360 Think about this, your friends or probably your friends first, 408 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,480 or it was someone you met when you didn't have your step kids 409 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:26,360 physically with you at the time and they liked you for who you 410 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:30,920 work at the gym or whatever and so they liked you for who you 411 00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,240 were. Hey, I met my friend group at 412 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:33,800 the gym. Those were my best friends. 413 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,160 Some of them still are, but really? 414 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,840 No I like that it's just like it just reminds me of like pre kid 415 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:41,080 life like. It was I. 416 00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:47,320 Was at the gym like. Pilates, but this you have to 417 00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,880 think of it in this way for them this is not what they signed up 418 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:56,000 for like this they didn't sign up to process ongoing Co 419 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,840 parenting drama. They just didn't. 420 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:02,320 And I'm not saying this to make excuses for anyone because like 421 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:06,680 I said, I'm not friends with these these people anymore. 422 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:10,640 I have removed myself. They also kind of removed me. 423 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:12,840 But I get it. I see what I did wrong and I'm 424 00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:16,160 trying to prevent everyone else from making this mistake because 425 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,680 it is so hurtful. All we need right now, our 426 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:20,800 friends, right? And then what are the? 427 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:24,480 1st I want to say something because you said like, oh, I try 428 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:27,640 not to do that again. And it's just like, OK, yes, 429 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,400 stepmotherhood. And just like anything in life 430 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:34,880 that's super hard. There are different times in 431 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:39,000 your life where you're going to have to be like an 8020 friend. 432 00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:42,720 You might need me a lot more than I need you at this time. 433 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:46,960 So I might have to listen to you vent 80% of the time and vice 434 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,760 versa. And you know what? 435 00:23:49,880 --> 00:23:53,480 That's OK, because that's what friendship is, at least long 436 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:56,520 term friendship for me. Like there's a time and place 437 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,160 where we might, you know, carry more of the load for one 438 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,160 another. And then I know that that 439 00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:03,400 friend's going to carry the load when I need it. 440 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:05,280 And that's what a true friend is. 441 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:08,680 So even though I think some people can't understand it 442 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:12,040 fully, I think our true friends are ones that try their best. 443 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:15,720 And we also learn like what healthy venting is and what 444 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:18,320 sharing may be too much over sharing all those things. 445 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:23,800 But we deserve friends that are in it for the long haul. 446 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:29,200 So that makes me sad because. I know, I think there's a 447 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:33,280 difference between venting and emotionally unloading every 448 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:36,320 single time. Like I couldn't there are. 449 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,560 It's just a read the room situation again. 450 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:41,440 Which friend is it? Is it all six couples? 451 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:43,880 Are you on vacation? Read the room, Alyssa. 452 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:48,040 Like there's certain instances I put myself in this situation 453 00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:51,560 completely, but I also I really did trust these friends because 454 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:55,080 they were really there for me and I trusted their feelings and 455 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:58,400 their emotions yeah. That being said, I have learned 456 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:02,040 how to maintain friendships as a stepmom and the boundaries in 457 00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:06,360 like having those discussions. But I want to talk about because 458 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:08,800 you. Also, because you also don't 459 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:12,520 want that to be like the only topic of discussion is like, and 460 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,560 sometimes for stepmoms, it consumes us. 461 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,720 Like we will talk about the same situation over and over again 462 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:21,080 and sometimes and sometimes stepmoms, that's not healthy 463 00:25:21,080 --> 00:25:22,120 either. You know what I'm saying? 464 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:25,440 You know, find a couple people, not 20, I find 20. 465 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:30,080 So don't take my advice. But you know, it's like, OK, 466 00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,080 well, I've shared the situation over and over again. 467 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,440 Not what? And you kind of just sit there. 468 00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:40,680 So I don't know. Yeah, I don't know about. 469 00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:48,560 I don't know. Gosh, OK. 470 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:54,880 We already talked about that. OK, so let's go into how does 471 00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:57,800 this leave stepmoms feeling? You know, you come out of it, 472 00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:01,120 your friend group has gone smaller, people are kind of 473 00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:04,840 plucking at you, you're kind of being removed or you're removing 474 00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:09,040 yourself because you're feeling like they're not responding 475 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,840 really well or they seem to be not including me and stuff 476 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,960 anymore. So all this does is it leaves 477 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:18,600 set Mons feeling isolated. We're in an already isolating 478 00:26:18,720 --> 00:26:21,480 situation. We feel like we're on an island. 479 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,480 Then all of a sudden our friends think it's we're too much. 480 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,320 We feel so alone. Then we feel like we have to 481 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:31,360 filter our reality, and that is something I don't want anyone to 482 00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:33,200 do. We do not have to filter your 483 00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:34,920 reality. Your reality is real. 484 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:37,560 This is your real life. This is real drama. 485 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:42,480 This is real trauma and it's real pain that you have, but 486 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,640 it's so important to figure out where to put that where you have 487 00:26:45,640 --> 00:26:48,320 that discussion. Find your therapist, find your 488 00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,920 stepmom friend, find your membership. 489 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:54,800 We have memberships here, yeah, one that will support. 490 00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:57,280 You, yeah. The one that will support you 491 00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:01,120 and help you process your feelings instead of just, you 492 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:03,680 know, dismissing them. Like, oh, well, that will be 493 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,400 hard. It will be easier when blah, 494 00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:08,560 blah, blah, blah, blah. Because I think even stepmoms, 495 00:27:08,560 --> 00:27:11,880 like, when we get together, like we are, you know, have so much 496 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,240 trauma, we can all be like, oh, yeah. 497 00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,200 And I mean, I think that's healthy too to an extent, but 498 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:21,320 it's right, it's important. It's important to find people 499 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:25,720 who will support your blended family and wanting it to work 500 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:30,120 because me and Alyssa always say we don't want our kids to have 501 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:33,880 stepmoms. So it makes us work on our 502 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:39,160 families that much harder because we see first hand the 503 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:43,200 effects of a blended family have on these children. 504 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:47,920 And it's not their fault. You know, I was even telling to 505 00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:51,200 my husband that this weekend about a situation and I said 506 00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:56,280 it's not this child's fault that his parents aren't together 507 00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:59,440 anymore. And we have to remember that 508 00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:03,760 they didn't choose this either. And although I think step kids 509 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:08,120 do have a tendency to be manipulative in some capacity, 510 00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:11,880 especially as they get older, they still did not choose this. 511 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:15,160 And it's not fun. It's not fun for anyone. 512 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:18,400 So we don't want, we don't want our kids to be in that situation 513 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:20,520 or us to be in that situation either one day. 514 00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:25,800 Yeah, I think that's true about what Becca's saying is looking 515 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:31,240 for the correct, the correct spot, you know, for you, if 516 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:35,760 there's lots of stepmom groups out there or Pages or whatever 517 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,200 podcast. But once you start listening to 518 00:28:38,200 --> 00:28:41,280 something, if you're like, I don't really, that advice 519 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:44,360 doesn't work for me. That doesn't fit in with my vibe 520 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:48,960 and my lifestyle and my goals, then that's your second to look 521 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:50,880 at elsewhere. You know, I did. 522 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:56,960 She and I both had always heard before from an influencer, you 523 00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:59,680 don't have to stay in this. You don't have to. 524 00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:05,880 You can leave at any time. No, not without thousands of 525 00:29:05,880 --> 00:29:10,080 dollars in divorce, not without major trauma for my children, 526 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:13,760 not without major trauma, doubled trauma for the step 527 00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:15,000 kids. Like what are we doing to the 528 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,360 step kids that they see a second marriage breakdown? 529 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:20,960 Like, sure, I'm I don't want anyone to stay with someone if 530 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:24,760 they're being abused or you know, anything cheated on, 531 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:27,920 that's like another like, let's talk about that separately. 532 00:29:27,920 --> 00:29:31,360 But if you're just miserable being a stepmom, there are 533 00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:34,680 resources, there are people, there are therapists, Becca and 534 00:29:34,680 --> 00:29:36,880 I are here. There are people that have been 535 00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:38,920 through it and come out on the other side. 536 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:40,760 There's just so much support out there. 537 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:43,800 And I feel like, you know, if you hear something that may push 538 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:46,400 you somewhere that you think is dangerous or you shouldn't be 539 00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:49,680 going when you're already in a dark place, like look to the 540 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:53,200 light. So I want to talk about the 541 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:56,880 balance and finding your people. Obviously we talked about this 542 00:29:56,880 --> 00:29:59,160 and obviously everyone would love to just have bunch of 543 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:02,000 stepmom friends, but that's not the reality because they're hard 544 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:04,920 to find. So of course, you can find them 545 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:09,160 within our membership, you know, in our Instagram, you can find 546 00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:12,480 relief in our Instagram, you know, but comments only go so 547 00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:16,040 far. So I think we need to rework our 548 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:20,840 mindset on how we discuss our lives and our stepmom drama and, 549 00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:24,440 you know, just being able to vent with friends that maybe 550 00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:28,360 don't have step kids. And so something is just also 551 00:30:28,360 --> 00:30:32,200 being mindful of how often and how heavy we vent to the same 552 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:34,840 friends. We might all just have one 553 00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:38,240 friend group, but it's so important if you have one-on-one 554 00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:40,520 time. I did this a lot because I had 555 00:30:40,600 --> 00:30:44,000 quite a large friend group, you know, there were like 10 couples 556 00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,640 at least. And so if I would go work at a 557 00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:51,800 coffee shop with one of my friends, I would remember, OK, I 558 00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:53,120 already talked about this with her. 559 00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:56,080 So I'm going to try not to bring up the court stuff again in 560 00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:58,600 front of her. And then if I was with another 561 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:02,080 gym group, like there were a couple of girls there and 562 00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:04,640 they're talking about something happened that day that is done. 563 00:31:04,640 --> 00:31:08,160 I, I vented that one. I let it out and move on, right? 564 00:31:09,600 --> 00:31:12,400 And then asking for support instead of just assuming it. 565 00:31:12,480 --> 00:31:15,960 I think if you talk to friends and you ask them for support, 566 00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:20,120 then you're putting into your depositing into the ATM because 567 00:31:20,120 --> 00:31:22,320 they feel like they're helping you and they get something out 568 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:24,040 of it and then they can turn it on themselves. 569 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:26,800 Here's what I would do, whether you agree or not. 570 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:30,000 Let them. Give their input. 571 00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:35,680 And I think you know, creating boundaries both ways, boundaries 572 00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:39,480 for yourself, you know, boundaries for what you talk 573 00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:43,640 about, what you ask advice for, and maybe what you don't. 574 00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:51,280 My advice or suggestion for this is probably not asking too much 575 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:54,200 input from your friends who aren't stepmoms. 576 00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:57,720 If that's something that you're going through, like maybe in 577 00:31:57,720 --> 00:31:59,960 your marriage it's something blended family related. 578 00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:04,320 I would definitely find another stepmom who gets it because 579 00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:07,680 research is clear. Second marriages end in divorce 580 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:10,960 like what, 50 or 60% of the time. 581 00:32:11,440 --> 00:32:15,920 So it's just really important to talk to someone who really gets 582 00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:17,960 it. And that means creating 583 00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:22,400 boundaries within yourself to maybe not over share some things 584 00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:25,680 because people don't get it. And people don't forget, you 585 00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:29,320 know, like my mom, always, my mom and I always talk about 586 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:31,760 this. It's like your friends and 587 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:35,480 family, they don't forget, you know, like you might forgive the 588 00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:40,120 situation or move on from the situation and have resolved that 589 00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:43,680 in your own mind. But if you tell someone else or 590 00:32:43,680 --> 00:32:46,520 20 other people, they don't forget and they might like, hold 591 00:32:46,520 --> 00:32:49,480 this judgement. So it's really important to keep 592 00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:52,880 your family close and keep those boundaries closed. 593 00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:56,200 But like Alyssa said, if you know you're being abused or 594 00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:59,000 anything of that nature, we obviously don't condone that and 595 00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:00,520 don't want you to keep that close. 596 00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:07,440 Of course. And I'm smiling because are you 597 00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:08,960 like waiting for the shoe to drop? 598 00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:12,320 I another saying just ran through my mind. 599 00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:16,040 I know you love those things, but something my mom says, it's 600 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:20,160 a joke but they say OK, an elephant never forgets. 601 00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:23,720 It's true though. It's so true. 602 00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:27,920 Calling them an elephant. Yes, yes, definitely. 603 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:32,800 OK, last thing I want to touch on before we get to the text we 604 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:36,440 didn't send is how to reframe it. 605 00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:40,480 This helped me heal so much. For any of the listeners here 606 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:43,520 that did go through this or did feel like they got shut out by 607 00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:48,600 even family or friends, it's not always rejects rejection, it's 608 00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:51,600 capacity. So I'm going to repeat that 609 00:33:51,600 --> 00:33:53,560 again, it is not always rejection. 610 00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:57,640 It's about capacity. There wasn't enough room for you 611 00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:02,480 in their life. There wasn't room for your life 612 00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:05,440 in their world. Like there's so much that goes 613 00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:07,400 into it. I don't want everyone to feel 614 00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:10,440 rejected. I felt healed when I realized 615 00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:13,239 this isn't a me problem. Sure, I'm going to change. 616 00:34:13,239 --> 00:34:16,560 You know how I address stepmom issues with friends that don't 617 00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:19,600 have step kids? And but if you reframe it in 618 00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:22,480 your head, it changes and heals you so much. 619 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:26,159 And then your experience is valid. 620 00:34:26,159 --> 00:34:28,159 Remember, your experience is your experience. 621 00:34:28,480 --> 00:34:30,480 Not everyone is equipped to carry it. 622 00:34:30,679 --> 00:34:34,360 Maybe they're just not, you know, graceful enough to deal 623 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:37,360 with the emotions you give them and keep them to themselves. 624 00:34:37,600 --> 00:34:40,239 If they run to other people and talk about it, that's on them. 625 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:42,480 And they're going to carry that way too long and they're going 626 00:34:42,520 --> 00:34:45,320 to start like it's just going to be bubbling up. 627 00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:48,520 But your experience is valid and it's valid here. 628 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:51,080 It's valid with other stepmoms and it will be valid with the 629 00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:55,440 correct friends. And the last thing is, maybe 630 00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:58,880 it's not that our friends don't care is that they don't live it 631 00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:02,320 and there's a difference. Eventually though, you will find 632 00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:05,520 friends that live it with you. You know, they ask and they have 633 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:08,680 follow up questions. That's where you know, OK, I can 634 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:13,280 feel safe in this friendship and I can give more information and 635 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,560 feel like it's a safe fault. You know, they're not going to 636 00:35:16,560 --> 00:35:20,440 run with it and make fun of, you know, my life and my experience. 637 00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:24,880 And some of those friendships change throughout time. 638 00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:28,360 And my friend who she's probably listening. 639 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,280 I've literally known this girl since 2nd grade. 640 00:35:30,280 --> 00:35:33,520 One of my best best friends and. Shout out friend, hi. 641 00:35:35,080 --> 00:35:36,440 She's just going to be like, Oh my gosh. 642 00:35:37,480 --> 00:35:42,360 But she just recently got into a relationship and now she's a 643 00:35:42,360 --> 00:35:46,840 stepmom and she. Really how the tables have 644 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:50,840 turned? Yes, and now I can kind of talk 645 00:35:50,840 --> 00:35:52,160 to her a little bit more about this. 646 00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:55,240 You know, we went to lunch a few weeks ago and we just talk, 647 00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:58,920 talk, talk the whole time. It's like it is really cool when 648 00:35:58,920 --> 00:36:01,800 you have a friend who's a stepmom because they just get it 649 00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:06,160 so much and you just don't have to filter or worry about what 650 00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:09,200 they think. So even if that friendship might 651 00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:15,320 be, you know, not in the best time or area of your life right 652 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:18,880 now, later it could, you know, circle back if if they become a 653 00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:21,720 stepmom, which we wouldn't shot upon anyone. 654 00:36:21,720 --> 00:36:22,520 No, just kidding. Sorry. 655 00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:26,920 Sorry, yeah. We would not, no. 656 00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:29,320 Even my husband says. Though for the record, I know 657 00:36:29,320 --> 00:36:31,000 that was mean. But let me end with this. 658 00:36:31,200 --> 00:36:33,800 Even my husband always says he's like, I would never be a 659 00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,120 stepdad. I would never do what you do. 660 00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:38,600 Why stepdads are glorified stepdad? 661 00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:40,440 That's easy. Yeah. 662 00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:43,080 But he is just like he, you know, and I feel like that's 663 00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:45,640 like the validation that he's kind of giving me, like, hey, I 664 00:36:45,640 --> 00:36:49,120 know this shit's hard. So anyways. 665 00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:53,560 All we can say to the friends without stepmoms, with no, all 666 00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:57,720 we can say to the friends without step kids is you don't 667 00:36:57,720 --> 00:37:02,280 understand what it's like to be a stepmom and what a blessing 668 00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:05,920 that is. Honestly, to not understand this 669 00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:11,440 level of hell is a blessing. Oh my gosh. 670 00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:13,880 It doesn't always have to be hell. 671 00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:16,640 It can be. There can be a beauty out of 672 00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:19,040 brokenness. It's just. 673 00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:20,480 There's different levels a while. 674 00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:25,360 Oh my God. Anyways, the text that I didn't 675 00:37:25,360 --> 00:37:28,840 send are so good. You say your favorite one and 676 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:31,320 then I'll say my favorite one. They're so good. 677 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:36,480 It says you left. Remember, stop reaching out for 678 00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:40,600 nonsense stuff. So I'm guessing the stepmom. 679 00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:43,640 Yeah, she wanted to send that to buy a mom. 680 00:37:44,320 --> 00:37:48,120 Yeah, so she's saying like, stop reaching out for just to 681 00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:51,520 whatever, like you're the one who left, which that's another 682 00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:53,960 thing. Yeah, hot dog people don't think 683 00:37:53,960 --> 00:37:56,520 that it's the mom. They always think it's the dad. 684 00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:01,560 This one says how ironic you didn't make it to another game 685 00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:05,120 again. Oof, oh how we. 686 00:38:05,120 --> 00:38:09,400 Wish we could be so petty. It's so so petty. 687 00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:13,840 I see this is your safe place. Dump it in our private DMS. We 688 00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:16,640 will read it for you, but we will never mention your name. 689 00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:19,560 This one says IO. Mom dyed 5 year olds hair with 690 00:38:19,560 --> 00:38:22,440 manic panic. What in the world is manic 691 00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:24,680 panic? We don't even. 692 00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:26,240 See what that is? Manic. 693 00:38:26,240 --> 00:38:29,040 Panic manic. I'm looking like. 694 00:38:29,720 --> 00:38:36,440 Manic. Oh OK, it's semi permanent hair 695 00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:37,520 dye. Oh my God. 696 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:41,040 We sound like we're an ad for Manic Panic. 697 00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:46,640 Sponsor us we kind. Of had a hair hair dye situation 698 00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:49,800 a few months. Ago you did you Manic Panic, 699 00:38:49,800 --> 00:38:53,000 Tim. Oh, this one's good. 700 00:38:53,160 --> 00:38:57,720 OK, she's 8. Is a red lace thong really 701 00:38:57,720 --> 00:38:59,920 appropriate for her to wear to school? 702 00:39:01,840 --> 00:39:05,160 I hope that's not really true. That's sad. 703 00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:09,520 Oh no. Oh no that's the typical bio mom 704 00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:13,720 just wants to be Disney World If this girl well also where did 705 00:39:13,720 --> 00:39:15,920 this girl? How does she seen that at 8:00? 706 00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:18,040 That's so sad. I hate that that's the reality. 707 00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:20,960 I hope that's not. I know. 708 00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:24,120 OK. Do you have one more? 709 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:28,000 You can't treat your kids like gods and mine like second class 710 00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:29,760 citizens. That's not even right. 711 00:39:30,320 --> 00:39:33,880 I love this saying. Second class citizen so me too. 712 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:37,800 Yeah, that's so funny. Now this is good. 713 00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:40,880 This was good. Well, you all, that's all we 714 00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:44,040 have time for today. Please send us in your tech 715 00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:47,520 students and all it can be to bio mom, can be to your husband 716 00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:51,360 or even your stepchild. We won't say your name, but let 717 00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:54,480 that vent get out. Let it out into the universe. 718 00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:59,600 Release it, don't hold it in. We appreciate everybody here. 719 00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:02,840 We love you so much. Drop your comments below. 720 00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:07,640 Remember to follow along, tap the little share and spread the 721 00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:09,600 love. See you next week. 722 00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:11,120 See you next week. Bye. 723 00:40:13,240 --> 00:40:15,280 That's it for this week on Stepmom Side Chats. 724 00:40:15,600 --> 00:40:18,240 We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties. 725 00:40:18,520 --> 00:40:22,040 Before you go, if something we said hit a little close to home, 726 00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:26,280 go ahead and hit Follow now so you don't miss future episodes 727 00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:28,760 and share with another stepmom to help us grow. 728 00:40:29,120 --> 00:40:32,160 If you want to connect between episodes, follow us on Instagram 729 00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:35,040 at Stepmom Side Chats and send us what you want us to chat 730 00:40:35,040 --> 00:40:37,080 about next. Keep giving yourself grace, 731 00:40:37,080 --> 00:40:38,400 you're doing better than you think. 732 00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:39,920 We'll chat with you all soon.