1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:03,680 We come to Mother's Day and someone's telling us you're not 2 00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:06,920 the mom. But the problem is I'm doing the 3 00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:10,480 exact same stuff you do on the weeks that you don't have them. 4 00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:16,320 If not more. So if you are getting a Mother's 5 00:00:16,320 --> 00:00:19,640 Day cake or card because you make them lunches all week for 6 00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:21,960 school, I make them lunches all week for school. 7 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:30,840 My husband don't do that. Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom 8 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:33,480 side Chats. We are your hosts, Alyssa and 9 00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:36,840 Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. Who are done pretending 10 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,040 everything's perfect. This is where we talk 11 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:43,200 boundaries, PO parenting, hard truths, healing, and the stuff 12 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,040 nobody says out loud. If you're ready for real talk, 13 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:49,040 real growth, and a little bit of spice, let's get into it. 14 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:55,480 Hey everyone, welcome back. This is Alyssa and Becca. 15 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:58,560 You are listening to Stepmom Side Chats. 16 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:01,560 We're back for a very special episode this week. 17 00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:06,320 This week we are coming to talk about the one and only Mother's 18 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:09,080 Day. Mother's Day. 19 00:01:10,680 --> 00:01:14,080 Lord help us all. There's so much to go into this. 20 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:17,600 We're going to pack this episode, so let's just RIP into 21 00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:18,240 it. Becca. 22 00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:25,600 One thing to start with, I, I think that we are almost pros on 23 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:29,600 Mother's Day because we could be experts on this for one point 24 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:33,560 and one point only. We dealt with Mother's Day as 25 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:41,640 just stepmoms with no kids and then correct and multiple years 26 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,880 at that. And now we're dealing with 27 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:49,080 Mother's Day still as stepmoms, also as bio moms. 28 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:52,040 And so we're seeing like the whole gamut and we're 29 00:01:52,040 --> 00:01:56,360 experiencing all of it. So we have a big transition to 30 00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:59,480 discuss. There's so many different things 31 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:01,640 that we can discuss when it comes to Mother's Day in 32 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:02,800 general. And then Mother's Day is 33 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:05,160 stepmoms. But I was thinking about this 34 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:08,199 earlier today when you and I were texting and I was like, OK, 35 00:02:08,479 --> 00:02:10,360 how are we going to start this episode, blah, blah, blah. 36 00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:13,040 You know, just brainstorming. And I was like, you know what? 37 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:17,640 I think it's really important to understand where we both came 38 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,880 from when we were younger. Like, how did y'all celebrate 39 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,240 Mother's Day in your guys's households growing up? 40 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,880 Was it a big deal? Like tell me about that. 41 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:30,040 Yeah, I think and you know, and probably all of our listeners 42 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:32,200 know now that I make holidays a big deal. 43 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,360 Birthdays are a big thing over the top. 44 00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:37,240 We start the birthday countdown on the beginning of the month 45 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:42,040 and that's because my birthday is on the 29th of the month, so 46 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,640 we celebrate my birthday. This funny night, this not 47 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,680 surprised me. That's just not surprising you 48 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,800 guys. I just had my birthday and I was 49 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:50,760 like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm just going to 50 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,520 get a massage girl. Like I was like, where's the 51 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:57,240 party? I'm like no party. 52 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,160 That sounds horrible. So you guys? 53 00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:02,200 Don't go ahead. Obviously, it's huge. 54 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,400 My dad would make it really big too. 55 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:08,400 And it would like really a lot of moms out there are always 56 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,000 like, I just want to not be with my kids. 57 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:15,160 That was not my mom. My mom was like, I want to go do 58 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,920 everything fun that my kids love to do. 59 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:20,480 I want to take them bowling. And we'd always get her flowers, 60 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,320 even if my dad was the one to instigate it. 61 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,840 Like it was a big thing. And I think he taught us really 62 00:03:24,840 --> 00:03:26,960 well how to do that. And because my mom liked it, 63 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:30,520 she's very much like me. And so that's kind of what I've 64 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,720 grown to expect. And so I've kind of trained my 65 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:38,440 husband like a little puppy. He just knows it's just what I 66 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:43,840 like for holidays. Oh yeah, that was explained. 67 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:48,720 So much about you though, because yeah, I mean, my mom was 68 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:53,560 like big on holidays too growing up, but I mean, we weren't 69 00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:56,520 nearly as big as you, but I love that you're like that. 70 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,480 I I think that's, it's really cute. 71 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:01,000 And I just feel like that's like your love language, like how you 72 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,200 show people you love them. So I think that's. 73 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,560 Unfortunate for Ryan, it's gifts and acts of service. 74 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:12,360 Sorry, Ryan. No, that's cool for us, but what 75 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:14,920 did we do? My dad made it a big deal. 76 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,800 I don't know if he went to Langster or dad went to sorry 77 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:23,320 Dad, but he definitely made sure that we celebrated it. 78 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,320 You know, we would like make her breakfast. 79 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:27,600 I remember in the morning and then we were like, go do 80 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,160 something with her. Always, always, always. 81 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:34,400 We had to get some type of card. So yeah, it was it was fun. 82 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,440 And I know like my mom's a lot like your mom. 83 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:39,520 I feel like they're a lot of like, and she was the same way. 84 00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:42,640 She's like, yeah, I just want to spend time with my kids, like, 85 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:47,200 do something fun, you know, and spend quality time with you 86 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,160 guys. And, you know, as we got older, 87 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:52,000 she's like, don't be on your phones, like things like that. 88 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:58,920 Cut to like 30 years later, how did it look for your first 89 00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:03,080 stepmom, Mother's Day, Your first Mother's Day, you were a 90 00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:05,200 stepmom. Like, that's such a weird 91 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,320 phenomenon to grasp. And I guess there is a select 92 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:11,280 few out there that they were moms and had a Mother's Day and 93 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,040 then they got step kids too. I feel like that's a little 94 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,360 easier transition because it's just like he's still getting 95 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:21,080 Mother's Day on Mother's Day. So what did it look like for 96 00:05:21,080 --> 00:05:22,920 you? How did you set the expectation? 97 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:26,400 What did you start doing? Like, and obviously the kids, 98 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,760 were they with their mom on Mother's Day? 99 00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:35,040 So my oldest stepson that I've talked about in previous 100 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:39,920 episodes, he lived with us and was with us for my first stepmom 101 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,480 Mother's Day. And my husband does a really 102 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:47,840 good job of this, to be honest. He, you know, came into my life 103 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,840 when he was like 13, so I wasn't really expecting anything. 104 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,520 Like it wouldn't have hurt my feelings. 105 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,840 You know, I helped him with things. 106 00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:57,360 You know, I definitely did a lot of motherly things while he 107 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:00,160 lived here, you know, because I was a full time stepmom. 108 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,760 But I had already accepted like, you know what, I'm not his mom. 109 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:05,720 And like, that's something separate. 110 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:07,680 So I don't know, I just, it wouldn't have hurt my feelings. 111 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:11,320 But my husband did a really good job and he always gave me a card 112 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,800 and at least said it to me. And that was enough for me. 113 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,080 I mean, I think it's enough for any teenager, right? 114 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,160 So that's kind of what we did with him. 115 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:24,800 Yeah. However, my youngest, he was 116 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,360 always with his mom on Mother's Day. 117 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:31,320 And yeah, you know, no one really did anything for me. 118 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,160 I wasn't really expecting anything either, though, to be 119 00:06:34,160 --> 00:06:37,080 honest. I don't know. 120 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,360 I don't know how you didn't tell me about yours. 121 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:41,600 You. I was like indifferent. 122 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:46,840 OK, well, I guess maybe because you had the teenager that was 123 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:50,240 still giving you a card of recognizing you, you didn't feel 124 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,600 a need to be recognized for everything that you're putting 125 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,800 up with and everything that you do for someone that's not yours. 126 00:06:55,800 --> 00:07:00,760 Or did it feel like this isn't my day because I'm not the mom? 127 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,400 Yeah, I think that's what that's what it felt like for me. 128 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,080 And this. You just asked about my first 129 00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:09,520 Mother's Day. So as I kept, you know, going 130 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:12,400 into my role, trust me, my feelings have changed since this 131 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,440 day. But yeah, no, at that time, I 132 00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:17,880 was just like, I don't know, how old was I like 27? 133 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:21,600 I'm like, yeah, OK, cool. Let's go get a bottle of wine. 134 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,440 Like, I don't know. I just didn't really care, to be 135 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,320 honest. I was just like, yeah, OK. 136 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:29,320 Like they're not my kids, you know, And I remember my first 137 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,000 Mother's Day. I was just talking to one of our 138 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,120 members about this actually too. She was, she was laughing. 139 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,440 She's like, y'all are better than me. 140 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:40,840 My first, the first Mother's Day, I did make my oldest 141 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:44,840 stepson send flowers to his mom and I remember I paid for it. 142 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,880 Wasn't that so nice of me? That never happened again. 143 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,360 Nothing. Nothing against her, really. 144 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,360 Nothing against her. But that never happened again. 145 00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,720 Here's my take on that. This is Alyssa's hot take of the 146 00:07:56,720 --> 00:07:59,600 day. I always have to have some kind 147 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:03,560 of opinion that it seems like no one agrees with, but that's not 148 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:07,680 my responsibility because A, they're not with us on that day. 149 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:12,280 And second of all, the schools make them make some art for 150 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,880 their mom. Am I wrong? 151 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,040 Is that just here in Texas? Is that not a thing everywhere? 152 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,240 No. Because I was a teacher for a 153 00:08:21,240 --> 00:08:25,760 really long time and I always, I did love doing that. 154 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:30,440 I made like really cool crafts and stuff that they would give 155 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,440 to their moms on Mother's Day. So yeah, no, I feel like it is 156 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:34,960 like that. It's I just feel like it's 157 00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,679 different. OK, well, let's hear about 158 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:38,880 yours, though. What was your first experience 159 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,760 on Mother's Day when when you were a stepmom? 160 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,559 Like, do you remember that day? What was it like? 161 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:49,760 Yeah, let's think. I can't actually remember my 162 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:52,120 first Mother's Day. Let me think about this, because 163 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:57,360 I know we didn't have the kids. That was something that's in the 164 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,480 divorce decree. And I think that that's like not 165 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,040 a state thing, that's just a natural, the national thing. 166 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,280 Like usually the kids are with their mom for Mother's Day and 167 00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:09,120 there's some kind of arrangement to do a swap if she doesn't have 168 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:13,640 them that weekend or whatever. And from what I've heard with 169 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:17,200 other someone's, it sounds like if the moms in the picture, they 170 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:21,120 give the kids back anyway. So we did not have the kids for 171 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,800 Mother's Day. And what we do with holidays is 172 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:28,200 if we don't have the kids, we would go spend that holiday with 173 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,240 my family. So we started spending Mother's 174 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,720 Day with my family and then we were like, wait a minute, we're 175 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,640 never going to have the kids on Mother's Day. 176 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:42,240 So at what point, right? At what point though, then are 177 00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:45,800 we going to celebrate here and make it a thing for me? 178 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:51,840 And I don't, I think it took maybe like you, it took like one 179 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:56,320 or two for me to kind of get into like, where the heck is my 180 00:09:56,320 --> 00:10:00,320 recognition here? My role is so imminent in these 181 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,800 kids lives. I'm very important and we're 182 00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:05,160 just going to kind of brush it under the rug. 183 00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:09,640 Where's stepmom's day? So that's kind of what led me to 184 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:14,360 research and find out that there actually is a stepmom's day and 185 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:20,840 it's nationally recognized. So, and it's the weekend after 186 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:24,120 Mother's Day. That makes perfect sense to me 187 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:28,480 because most of the time if you have the kids that weekend, then 188 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:29,920 you don't have them the weekend before. 189 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,200 So if they're at mom's for Mother's Day, they should 190 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,560 hopefully they're back with you the next weekend. 191 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:40,800 And if you're not, I think that's where, like, you make the 192 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:46,200 call in your household to make that weekend that you have them 193 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:49,840 next your Mother's Day. And we've definitely done that. 194 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:53,080 And again, my husband is so good at making sure that that's a 195 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,400 thing. But just because I've expressed 196 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,080 it to him and I've been very open and honest, like these are 197 00:10:58,080 --> 00:11:01,160 my expectations for holidays because of how I was born. 198 00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:04,600 You know, I didn't feel very needy and demanding saying it 199 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:06,640 because I'm kind of like, I can blame my mom. 200 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:11,000 I can blame my upbringing. This is just what I'm expecting, 201 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,440 you know? And that's a testament to us. 202 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,360 That's what you're used to. Yeah, it's what you're used to. 203 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:20,360 And I think that's so important. Is that like just because 204 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,680 someone grew up one way, it doesn't mean that that's wrong. 205 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:27,000 Like that's not wrong that you feel that way about holidays in 206 00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,680 general or about Mother's Day. That's how you grew up. 207 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:33,360 So that's, you know, almost like your your family's culture that 208 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,560 you you were grown up in. Yeah, exactly. 209 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:41,240 And for families that are just getting into this and then maybe 210 00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:43,160 not married yet or families that. 211 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,120 Are newly married and haven't set traditions. 212 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,080 I think that's the best place to start is like, well, what did 213 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,760 you do growing up that you liked and that you'd want to keep 214 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,520 doing? And then you, you know, you talk 215 00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:57,400 about both sides and then say kind of meet in the middle or 216 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,040 like my husband, you know, and most men are like, I don't know 217 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,760 what we did or like, I'd get flowers for my mom. 218 00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:05,680 They don't have a set tradition. So that's where you are free to 219 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:09,320 roam. You can say the sky is the 220 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,960 limit. This is what I want. 221 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:14,240 And then usually hopefully they're just like, OK, sure. 222 00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:15,600 They just kind of go along with it. 223 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,400 And you know, they're they're too. 224 00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:22,960 You might be, yeah, or you might be more like me because I think 225 00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:27,160 a listener are very different. Like we always talk about I I 226 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:29,600 hate my birthday, guys. I know I'm so crazy. 227 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,840 I do not like it. I don't want to be a center of 228 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:32,880 attention. It makes me go. 229 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:36,640 Awkward because you're young and you shouldn't hate birthdays yet 230 00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,560 that's the only reason why I think you're crazy. 231 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:42,440 I'm not young I've been like this since I was younger though. 232 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:45,080 Like I don't want to be like center of attention. 233 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:49,760 So for me as a stepmom, it almost makes me feel, and I 234 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:52,480 don't know if this is because our situations with our step 235 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,800 kids are different, but it almost makes me feel like 236 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:59,320 awkward, especially with my oldest stepson because let's be 237 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:03,920 honest, when you're coming into a teenager's life as a stepmom, 238 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:07,440 half their life is already done. They're I'm sorry, they don't 239 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:10,920 really want a stepmom. And, you know, not all stepmoms 240 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,040 are eager to be a stepmom to a teenager either. 241 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,720 So it goes both ways. But it's like, I almost didn't 242 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,000 want him to like, celebrate. And my husband would have like 243 00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,720 made him do that. If, if, if that's what I wanted. 244 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,200 But I'm like, you probably aren't like too excited about me 245 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,200 either. So it's like, just don't make it 246 00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,120 awkward, you know, like, just send the text. 247 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:30,880 OK, let's move on. What's for dinner? 248 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:34,880 Oh my gosh. We're just getting completely 249 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:36,400 ignored, the elephant in the room, and we'll just keep 250 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:39,800 tripping over it. But does that then set the 251 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:42,760 precedent for what all of the Mother's days will be like? 252 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:46,840 Because if you feel awkward with him and you don't, but you like 253 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,840 that, I guess because you don't want much attention, 254 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,040 recognition. But that's what I was going to 255 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,840 tell you when we were first talking about it, and that's 256 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,360 what I want to talk to you about next, is like how it's evolved 257 00:13:56,360 --> 00:14:00,240 for both of us as stepmoms. Because now, that was just when 258 00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:03,440 I had just my one stepson. I had no biological kids. 259 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,880 My youngest stepson didn't live with us full time. 260 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,920 We'll Fast forward to now, he does live with us full time. 261 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,760 And I have my own biological son. 262 00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:16,120 I was, like, that whole week, like, leading up to it, I was 263 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,720 like, oh, is he going to, like, say Happy Mother's Day to me? 264 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,280 Like, I'm doing all the mom things. 265 00:14:20,320 --> 00:14:22,280 I have him full time. I do sports. 266 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,400 I talk to the teacher. I do all these things. 267 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,160 Like, is he going to do something? 268 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,080 And I remember he came home and he was so excited. 269 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,600 He was like, Becca, Becca, look at what I made for my mom for 270 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,200 Mother's Day. And he's just like, so sweet. 271 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,560 And I was like, wait, let me see it. 272 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:39,640 Yeah. How did that make you feel? 273 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:44,440 Well, I'll tell you. So I was like, so I was like, 274 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:46,720 oh, OK. And inside like I'll be honest 275 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,360 with, with y'all. I was like, Oh my gosh, like 276 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,720 this kind of hurting my feelings like blah, blah, blah, blah. 277 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:55,760 And he was like, look what I made for my mom at school and 278 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:58,160 isn't it so cool that guy? And of course, like I always 279 00:14:58,160 --> 00:14:59,720 like, I'm like, yeah, this is great. 280 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:02,000 Like to them like inside I'm dying. 281 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:06,000 But then he was like, oh, and I have one for you too. 282 00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:08,800 And I was like, what? And he, like, pulled it out. 283 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,680 And it was just, you know, this little craft from, like, 284 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:13,480 elementary school, y'all? I started, like, getting teary 285 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,120 eyed. I was like, you made me one. 286 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:18,360 Yeah. And I really do think. 287 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:21,040 And that's why I love teachers everywhere is I'm pretty sure it 288 00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,920 was the teacher who was like, hey, you need to make one for 289 00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,480 your stepmom, too. She's the one texting me every 290 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:29,840 day. Yes, yes, correct. 291 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:34,520 Yeah, so, so now if he didn't acknowledge me because I have 292 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,480 been in his life for so many years and been his primary 293 00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:40,200 caretaker, yeah, it would piss me off if he didn't say 294 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:42,600 anything. Now, I would never expect him 295 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:45,800 to, you know, write me a huge long card like I only love you 296 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,840 so much. You're the best thing ever. 297 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,600 Because that's how he probably feels about his mom. 298 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,960 But yeah, I would expect something. 299 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:55,320 And my husband would definitely make that known too if something 300 00:15:55,320 --> 00:16:03,200 changed. Yeah, I think, I don't know that 301 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,680 school has made the kids do anything for me. 302 00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:09,880 Not that I remember. But I will say when Christmas 303 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,040 comes around, they have a little shop, you know, their school 304 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,400 makes them buy something for everyone in their family. 305 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,840 They have. Yeah. 306 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:17,840 They got a lot of siblings between us. 307 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,760 They got a lot of parents. And they do it. 308 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:24,640 So they do. Yeah, but not for Mother's Day. 309 00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:28,080 But they do make things for their own mom for Mother's Day. 310 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:32,880 And in my situation, and probably for a lot of them, 311 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,520 there's a stepdad in the picture now. 312 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,720 So that's his job. He's the one that's supposed to 313 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:43,560 be celebrating his life as the mom of the kids, not like the is 314 00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,880 the mom of his kids. If he loves her and he thinks 315 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,800 she's a good mom, then it's his job to celebrate her. 316 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:52,520 So that is not our responsibility. 317 00:16:52,520 --> 00:16:56,040 And I'm releasing everyone from that burden. 318 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,800 I just want everyone to like what? 319 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:04,240 Wait, so question, So then when your husband, when you first 320 00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:07,520 came into the picture in the very, very beginning, was he 321 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:11,480 still having the boys make Mother's Day stuff for her? 322 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:15,000 Like, was he the one encouraging that in the beginning before you 323 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:24,640 kind of took over? Yeah, so he says, he says I'm 324 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:28,480 scared. I I do ask stuff like that a lot 325 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:32,480 and like we travel and I'll say, you know, do you guys take a lot 326 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,200 of trips before? And I used to ask stuff like 327 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:38,080 that and he'd say that wasn't someone I'd want to like, spend 328 00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:42,720 alone time with. So they didn't, like, take a lot 329 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:44,920 of trips when I went. So same thing with like, 330 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:47,280 Mother's Day. I was like, did you do all this 331 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,920 and go all out? Part of it is because I set 332 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,920 those expectations when we met and when we got married of like, 333 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:56,000 this is what I grew up with. This is what I want, but I would 334 00:17:56,000 --> 00:18:02,480 expect. But in the same breath, he says 335 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:06,600 it is so much easier to celebrate me, and celebrating 336 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,960 someone like me is so different, so I don't. 337 00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:12,680 Think. He did the same stuff for her 338 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,920 and maybe she didn't have those expectations knowing her. 339 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,600 Saying maybe she was like me. She was like a plain Jane, like 340 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:25,640 you. Know plain Jane OK OK the 341 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:30,920 episode about the exes is a whole new episode yeah I I don't 342 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:35,480 know I just she seems like someone that would expect a lot 343 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,720 and a big to do. Oh OK so here is my problem. 344 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:43,240 We had a big situation I've made it known on here that she was 345 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:45,960 very much like you are not the mom Alyssa. 346 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,240 You're not the mom. Stop pretending to be the mom. 347 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,720 Stop acting like the mom. And that's why we have this 348 00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:54,240 platform because I have dealt with that for so long and I feel 349 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:57,960 that so many levels for so many different stepmoms, and I think 350 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,080 it's very relatable. But here is the big problem. 351 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:04,720 We come to Mother's Day and someone's telling us you're not 352 00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:08,000 the mom. But the problem is I'm doing the 353 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:11,520 exact same stuff you do on the weeks that you don't have them. 354 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:17,400 If not more. So if you are getting a Mother's 355 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,720 Day cake or card because you make them lunches all week for 356 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,880 school, I make them lunches all week for school. 357 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:27,760 My husband don't do that. What about like taking them to 358 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,760 soccer and signing them up for basketball? 359 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,560 Like we're doing these motherly duties. 360 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:35,480 We deserve to be recognized. I don't think though that we 361 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:40,720 should be arguing about the day. I think that it's we should have 362 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,160 our own day. It should be separate and the 363 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:45,680 beauty of this, I want to get into how we deal with it when we 364 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:50,400 have our bio kids too. Since we don't have our kids on 365 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:53,440 Mother's Day, they go. Or our step kids, they go to 366 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,800 their mom's house. We get 2 Mother's Days. 367 00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:03,320 So I celebrate Mother's Day with my babies on the actual day. 368 00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:06,720 This is perfect for someone like me that loves the celebrations. 369 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,320 Let's have a special day. Let's have more cake. 370 00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:12,240 Let's, you know, have more fancy dinner reservations and 371 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:15,360 brunches. Just twice as much fun. 372 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:19,120 Heck, the kids get it. They get 2 birthdays. 373 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,840 They get 2 Christmases. Why don't we get 2 Mother's 374 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:24,960 Days? I sound like a child. 375 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,080 I could do without, to be honest. 376 00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:33,240 I, like, don't care. I think, though, if I'm not 377 00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:36,200 acknowledged at all, yeah, that would piss me off. 378 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,600 Like at least say Happy Mother's Day. 379 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:43,280 Like, I'm not like you. And that way, like, I don't 380 00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:45,640 really expect much. I'm just kind of chill when it 381 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:49,600 comes to those kind of things. My husband is actually more like 382 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,480 you, Alyssa. Like he's very over the top. 383 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:52,240 It was just my. Birthday. 384 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:56,560 We're very much alike. We're like, yeah, you guys are. 385 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,080 Y'all are two little stubborn Sally's. 386 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,360 Can I ask you something? When was the last time you 387 00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:10,960 actually felt taken care of? Not on a holiday, not when 388 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:14,400 someone finally said thank you. Just in the normal quiet parts 389 00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,200 of your day. Because if you're anything like 390 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,160 us, you're constantly pouring into everyone else. 391 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:22,040 Kids, schedules, emotions, all of it. 392 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,000 And that's why we love Cozy Earth. 393 00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:26,920 It's not just bedding or pajamas. 394 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:29,920 It's about creating small moments in your day where you 395 00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,040 get to exhale. Like your mornings feeling a 396 00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:35,160 little softer, are finally crawling into bed at night and 397 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:38,440 thinking, OK, this feels good. And the best part? 398 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:39,920 You don't have to second guess it. 399 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:45,240 They offer a 100 night sleep trial and a 10 year warranty, so 400 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,200 it's actually made to last, not just feel nice for a week. 401 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:51,160 So let this be a reminder, especially as a stepmom to be 402 00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,920 cared for too. Cozy Earth helps turn your 403 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:57,360 routines into small rituals of softness, comfort and ease. 404 00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:01,560 Head to cozyearth.com and use our code STEPMOM for 20% off. 405 00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:05,520 Let them know you heard about it from us on Stepmom side chats 406 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:12,280 because home starts with you. So what do you do now that you 407 00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:16,200 have bio kids and step kids or a bio kid and step kids? 408 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:17,280 What are you doing for Mother's Day? 409 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:20,920 You're just doing Mother's Day. And then if you don't have one 410 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:23,520 of the step kids with you, they don't celebrate or recognize you 411 00:22:23,560 --> 00:22:26,960 at all. So it's going to be different. 412 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:31,080 For me this year, because I've always had my step kid on 413 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:35,560 Mother's Day since I had my bio son, it will be the first year 414 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:39,920 that his mom is doing 5050 that he'll be here. 415 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:43,640 So I'm assuming and obviously we would never say no, she's going 416 00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:46,560 to have him for Mother's Day. So we'll see what that looks 417 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:49,880 like. In the past, everyone's going to 418 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:55,600 be shocked when I say this. His mom would send me something 419 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:58,400 for Mother's Day when, you know, she didn't live here full time, 420 00:22:58,400 --> 00:22:59,920 but I was taking care of him full time. 421 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,400 Stop. It yes, yes she sent me like a 422 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:05,320 huge I. Don't believe? 423 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:11,320 You, you know what it's like blended families are so complex 424 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,560 and so complicated. But I don't even think I told 425 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:16,000 you this. I'm going to tell you now. 426 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,000 We'll see your real time reaction. 427 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:21,960 So it was my birthday this last weekend, another holiday, right? 428 00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:25,600 She said. She said happy birthday and then 429 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:30,400 she got me a massage and had her son come in after school. 430 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:33,960 It wasn't our day. And give me a card and say, so 431 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,400 It's like, even if we're not like on the friendliest of 432 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:40,000 terms, she always does make sure that I'm recognized in some 433 00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,240 capacity for my birthday and Mother's Day. 434 00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,640 I know she's a better person than I am when it comes to that 435 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,040 because I'm Patty. Patty, I'd be like, Nah, I'm not 436 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:51,280 getting you anything. So she she is good when it comes 437 00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,040 to that stuff. For sure way. 438 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:55,360 Oh my gosh, that's so. Wild. 439 00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:58,040 No, you didn't tell me that you really know massage. 440 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:01,520 You didn't say. Lo and behold, bio mom bought it 441 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,640 for me. It wasn't that one she bought me 442 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,480 another one that was the one my husband bought me. 443 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:10,520 But anyhow, same story. What was I going to say? 444 00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:15,240 No. So for you though, because you 445 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:19,080 and bio mom haven't always been like not talking in the 446 00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,600 beginning, Did you like say Happy Mother's Day to her? 447 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:23,280 Did she say Happy Mother's Day to you? 448 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:26,400 And like, thank you really never. 449 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:28,400 Not one time. Not like thank you for 450 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,960 everything you do for my kids. We weren't talking either. 451 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:34,320 That's the thing. Like we would talk in person 452 00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:38,520 because we'd be at events together but we didn't like ever 453 00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:42,040 text or anything. She messaged me when I got 454 00:24:42,040 --> 00:24:50,000 engaged on Instagram and she said love your outfit and 455 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:54,320 Congrats or something. But she had just gotten engaged. 456 00:24:54,320 --> 00:24:59,120 So it was a very neutral time because, and that's what kind of 457 00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:02,440 made me think everything would be fine and dandy was just so. 458 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:04,640 Naive. It's really unfortunate that we 459 00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:08,800 even have to question each other's intentions and I think 460 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,640 that goes both ways, right? I think bio mom probably 461 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,720 questions our intentions and vice versa. 462 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:17,360 It's like her saying that to you like, you know, it was a neutral 463 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,920 time but you're probably like oh OK, what's coming? 464 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:23,640 What's next? Like what's the intention behind 465 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:27,520 you being nice to me? Even if those persons intentions 466 00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:31,600 are pure, which is really sad. It has to be like that, but you 467 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,120 know, complexities of being a stepmom. 468 00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:38,720 What do you think about what do you think husbands and partners 469 00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:42,120 roles should be for stepmoms on mother's days? 470 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:45,960 Do you think that they should be the one encouraging their kids 471 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:49,960 to do something for the mom or or for the stepmom? 472 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,200 Or how do you think they play a role into it? 473 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:58,600 Yeah, let's be honest, I think that a lot of dads probably 474 00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:03,800 dropped the ball because they're just men in general. 475 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,120 That's just not their thing. That's not their Forte. 476 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:09,880 And let's remember what I said a few episodes ago in Season 1. 477 00:26:10,280 --> 00:26:12,160 Men are like waffles. Women are like spaghetti. 478 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:15,360 If your husband is thinking about work that day and he's 479 00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:19,240 overwhelmed with work or some issue, whatever, that's where 480 00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:22,400 he's at for the day. And until he comes home and 481 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:25,400 unloads, but then he'll be like in the family box. 482 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,200 We are working and taking care of the kids and cleaning the 483 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,280 house and thinking about the grocery list and thinking about 484 00:26:31,280 --> 00:26:32,920 Mother's Day, which is 3 weeks away. 485 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,040 You know, we're the spaghetti and we're. 486 00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:38,560 So we have to be understanding that the men, this isn't their 487 00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,720 thing. They're not just thinking about 488 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,920 it. A rare few might. 489 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,520 But I think that it's important for us to set those expectations 490 00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:50,520 and have those conversations. And and yeah, I don't think the 491 00:26:50,520 --> 00:26:53,480 stepmom or the bio mom is our responsibility. 492 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:58,000 Her new husband, I mean, I don't know, maybe if she's not 493 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,760 remarried, but her new husband or her spouse, that's their 494 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:04,560 responsibility. If your relationship is great 495 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:10,800 though, I would say to have, you know, your kiddo or your step 496 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,800 kiddo, make some things that you keep that relationship great 497 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,080 because we all wish we were on that side of things. 498 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,920 And when we were on that side of things, we wish we were still on 499 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:22,400 that side where things are happy and kosher and it's not always a 500 00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:24,640 battle and scary of like, what's next? 501 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:27,840 Yeah, I know. I think because I've been 502 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,960 thinking about it recently, I'm, I'm still going to obviously 503 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:33,760 encourage my stepson to do something like we are going to 504 00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:36,000 go to the store, we are going to pick something out, you know, 505 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:40,200 and it is, it is what it is, you know, but I agree. 506 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:44,360 But both of my bio moms, they didn't have someone, you know, 507 00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:46,440 for the longest time and one of them still doesn't. 508 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,960 So I do always tell my step kids, especially my oldest, 509 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,000 because he's old. I'm like you talked to your 510 00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:55,240 mother for Mother's Day, right, like you called her right, You 511 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:57,520 know, because I just kind of been like that with him, like me 512 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,960 and him have that relationship. I'm like, don't be an A hole. 513 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:02,320 Make sure you do that. Oh, thank you for reminding me, 514 00:28:02,320 --> 00:28:07,360 Rebecca. You know, like and I think 515 00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:10,800 that's just like it's hard because it's like some of these 516 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:14,720 people, they put us through hell and we do not agree with how 517 00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:17,480 they mother or how they've treated us or our spouse, 518 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:20,640 etcetera, etcetera. However, we still have such an 519 00:28:20,680 --> 00:28:24,200 influential part of this kids life that I, I think it's really 520 00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:28,600 important to show them that you treat your mom a certain way, 521 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:33,080 even, you know, maybe when you're older and you're selfish, 522 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:36,400 like you need to learn like basic little things like this. 523 00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:42,480 OK, I have something for you. What about, you know, it's 524 00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:49,000 emotional for us, It's emotional for bio mom and what about the 525 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:51,360 kiddos? Like it's emotional for kids to 526 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:54,280 navigate this, especially with the loyalty binds and if they 527 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,240 love you, what are we doing for the kids? 528 00:28:57,240 --> 00:29:02,080 Like that's a tough situation. I think a lot of people kind of 529 00:29:02,080 --> 00:29:04,840 forget that the kids are pulled in these weird directions. 530 00:29:05,160 --> 00:29:08,680 I know my step kids are affected by Mother's Day because they 531 00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:12,840 feel the the tension because there's a switch. 532 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:16,960 Like most years, if we don't have them, we usually don't have 533 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:18,680 them. Honestly, it's just the last few 534 00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:21,560 years it's ended up where we didn't have them and they were 535 00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:23,800 already there. But this year they're going to 536 00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:25,520 technically be with us. So we're going to have to do 537 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:27,320 that switch. And it's kind of in the middle 538 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:31,520 of their visit and that just triggers them a little bit, you 539 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,360 know, and that's hard on them. It's a reset and it's only a 540 00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:38,320 couple days with dad then. And so it's hard, but then they 541 00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:42,200 also, they want to love their mom, but they're like torn 542 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:45,880 because, you know, they wanted to be with dad and they're taken 543 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:47,640 from dad's house. And then they're like, oh, it's 544 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:51,000 Mother's Day, but my stepmom, is she not a mom? 545 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:54,040 Like, this is a very confusing time for kids too. 546 00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:55,520 I feel for them. I actually do. 547 00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:03,520 And I think it also, it's like if I could imagine being a child 548 00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:07,320 in two different homes in a blood and family situation, I 549 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,080 would imagine that you just have these different realities all 550 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:11,760 the time, right? You have your reality is that 551 00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:13,760 dad's house, and you have your reality when you're at your 552 00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:17,840 mom's house. But then when Mother's Day comes 553 00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:21,000 and you're doing those middle of the day switches, it's almost 554 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:25,680 like your reality gets brought up again, like, oh, well, yeah, 555 00:30:25,680 --> 00:30:29,720 I do have two different homes. My stepmom is not my real mom 556 00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:32,760 and I am going to go now to my real mom's house. 557 00:30:33,080 --> 00:30:36,640 And how is that going to make her feel that I was with my 558 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:39,040 stepmom in the beginning of the day and now I'm only with her at 559 00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:41,160 the second part of the day or, or vice versa. 560 00:30:41,160 --> 00:30:44,200 So yeah, I would imagine it's super confusing. 561 00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:46,680 And that's why I always try to be really low pressure with my 562 00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:48,400 stepson, especially my youngest one. 563 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:51,360 It's like, you know what? You want to make me something at 564 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,000 school. You do you, honey. 565 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:56,800 If you don't, I'm not going to say a word because I know that 566 00:30:56,800 --> 00:30:59,160 you love me. I know we have a special bond 567 00:30:59,680 --> 00:31:02,600 and it's not going to take away from anything. 568 00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:05,680 If I get a little handprint from school, you know, just be nice 569 00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:07,040 to me. That's all I asked for. 570 00:31:08,600 --> 00:31:10,600 Yeah, actually spare me the handprint because I'm going to 571 00:31:10,600 --> 00:31:12,920 feel like complete bitch when I throw it away. 572 00:31:15,200 --> 00:31:18,400 You throw them away. You know what my husband and I 573 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:20,520 say? It's the same with teeth, OK? 574 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:25,080 You look at it, you admire it, you toss it. 575 00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:29,520 So you do that with your biological kids stuff too. 576 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:33,000 Yeah, I do keep a certain few things. 577 00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:37,360 Like I can't keep. There's so much stuff that comes 578 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:40,240 home from church, from school. There's so much stuff. 579 00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:42,520 We make stuff at home, too. Oh my gosh, no. 580 00:31:42,520 --> 00:31:43,920 If I kept everything. Are you crazy? 581 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:47,840 Do you keep everything? No, it was funny though. 582 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:51,480 I threw something away of my bio sense the other day and he found 583 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:55,080 it in the trash and he goes, mommy, this was so special to 584 00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:56,400 me. Why did you throw it away? 585 00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:59,360 I go, oh, I'm so sorry. I was like, oh darn it. 586 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:02,000 But yeah, no, that's funny. That's really funny. 587 00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:08,480 OK, so the kid has, when they feel pressure to perform love 588 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:12,320 correctly, it kind of shows up as them saying what they think 589 00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:15,760 each parent wants to hear. That's when we get hurt as 590 00:32:15,760 --> 00:32:18,320 stepmoms because we know that the kids are kind of just 591 00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:22,040 telling us what we want to hear, but they're performing love for 592 00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:24,080 us. They the way that they think 593 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:26,320 love is to be shown is by telling someone what they want 594 00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,160 to hear. Where we think they're kind of 595 00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:33,640 manipulating or working the system, they act extra excited 596 00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:37,200 or weirdly distant. I have seen that in each of my 597 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:40,960 stepsons because one does the extra excited, like fake excited 598 00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:44,560 thing and one does the weirdly distant where I'm like, I don't 599 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:47,000 know how to connect with you. You know, it's the older 1. 600 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:50,680 And I'm like, is this hormones? Is this just your personality? 601 00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:55,760 And then another thing they do is avoiding mentioning one mom 602 00:32:55,760 --> 00:32:58,880 in front of the other, which I guess that that's completely 603 00:32:58,880 --> 00:33:00,520 normal. I don't think that that's 604 00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:05,520 healthy, something that we had to do for a while, the parent 605 00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:08,720 coach told both households. Don't talk about the other 606 00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:11,280 household at all, Don't bring it up, don't do anything. 607 00:33:11,680 --> 00:33:14,160 But I don't want the kids to feel like they can't. 608 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:17,120 Does that make sense? Yes, yes. 609 00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:20,440 And even when I've had like, difficult times with like, my 610 00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:23,480 son's mom or anything, and we're not seeing eye to eye, I always 611 00:33:23,480 --> 00:33:26,520 try to make it a conscious effort to kind of ask about the 612 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:29,160 other home. Because like you said, I want to 613 00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:34,240 make sure that he has some type of like, ability to communicate 614 00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,280 with me about it and trust when it comes to us. 615 00:33:37,280 --> 00:33:38,560 So yeah, I know. I definitely see what you're 616 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:41,600 saying. And I think a message for 617 00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:44,880 stepmoms to take away from this is like if the step kiddo is 618 00:33:44,880 --> 00:33:48,280 acting weird on Mother's Day, say they're at your house still. 619 00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:53,720 It's not about you or the day. It's more so a reflection of 620 00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:56,600 that position that they're in where they're torn. 621 00:33:57,640 --> 00:34:00,360 And so because each one's going to be different, just like we 622 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:02,920 always tell a lot of our members, like we need contacts 623 00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:06,480 so that we can guide a little bit better because No2 624 00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:09,480 situations are the same. So does the kiddo actually maybe 625 00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:13,000 need to call mom? Does the kiddo need to make some 626 00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:15,280 Mother's Day art to take back with them? 627 00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:20,120 Does the kiddo need to just not really know it's Mother's Day? 628 00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:24,080 Does the kiddo need to not be celebrating you if mother is not 629 00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:25,840 in the picture? Or do they need to because 630 00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:28,639 mother is in the picture? You know, it's like, let's just 631 00:34:28,639 --> 00:34:36,000 dive into your family, what that child needs, your dynamic, and 632 00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:38,880 then, you know, figure out what's best for the kiddo in 633 00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:43,679 your situation. Yeah, I agree. 634 00:34:43,679 --> 00:34:47,199 Every step kid and every kid in general is so different. 635 00:34:47,199 --> 00:34:50,880 Like their personality is different, how they are 636 00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:54,560 adjusting and navigating. Having two household is 637 00:34:54,560 --> 00:34:56,280 different, 2 households is different. 638 00:34:56,280 --> 00:35:00,120 And like you said, like maybe bio mom isn't in the picture at 639 00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:03,200 that time and you do have that step kid for Mother's Day. 640 00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:07,760 That's obviously going to affect how that whole day, you know, 641 00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:10,280 unfold. So no, I think that's important. 642 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:16,800 Be honest though, Alissa, do you feel like you dread Mother's Day 643 00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:22,200 now because of this added layer? Or how do you are you just like, 644 00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:24,920 oh, you have your biological kits, so you just kind of focus 645 00:35:24,920 --> 00:35:28,160 on that? Yeah, I definitely. 646 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:33,280 Dread it unfortunately because I feel like birthdays are enough 647 00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:36,000 and maybe because we do everything and for someone that 648 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:38,720 loves holidays to really dread something is a lot. 649 00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:43,880 I think when the kids are upset and emotionally pulled, like I 650 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:46,960 was kind of talking about, that affects the whole household. 651 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:50,680 And I know my husband gets a little jolted whenever we have 652 00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:54,200 to do the switch when it's. Not a. 653 00:35:54,200 --> 00:35:59,320 Transition day, That's normal. And then of course, it's kind of 654 00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:03,400 a slap in the face for stepmoms. I'm fine with it because I can 655 00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:06,600 still celebrate with my kids. But the fact that, like, my step 656 00:36:06,600 --> 00:36:11,240 kids are removed from the home for Mother's Day and taken to 657 00:36:11,240 --> 00:36:16,000 their mom's house as if we don't get to be celebrated, it's 658 00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:18,200 weird. You know, it's hard to not get 659 00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:21,600 in your feels about that. Yeah. 660 00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:24,600 And I think. Like speaking to childless 661 00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:29,280 stepmoms, it's like, especially once who are full time, it's 662 00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:34,160 like, OK, I'm doing everything for you and to maybe not be 663 00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:37,600 acknowledged on that day or even thanked or even, you know, hey, 664 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:41,120 happy Mother's Day, Becca or you know, whoever it is. 665 00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:46,520 I think that that would hurt in such a, a bigger way than a mom 666 00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:49,200 who might have biological kids. So they are going to be 667 00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:52,440 celebrated in in some way, even if it's not by their step kids. 668 00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:56,440 That's where I think that. They have to really lean into 669 00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,880 Stepmother's Day the following weekend, and it does. 670 00:36:59,880 --> 00:37:01,720 You don't even have to make it Stepmother's Day if you want to 671 00:37:01,720 --> 00:37:04,640 just celebrate Mother's Day. Just know that the weekend 672 00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:09,240 following Mother's Day is celebrated by all stepmoms, you 673 00:37:09,240 --> 00:37:15,080 know, in America. So you can, it's hard to, I 674 00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:17,880 know, remove the fact because like if you go to church, they 675 00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:20,280 talk about it at church. If you want to go eat somewhere, 676 00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:22,760 it's like Mother's Day brunch. It's kind of slaps you in the 677 00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:24,000 face. You can't even go to the grocery 678 00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:25,280 store. There's flowers everywhere that 679 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:26,800 overpriced. And it's like, oh, it's Mother's 680 00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:32,000 Day. So not to say like it's so easy 681 00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:34,560 to just forget Mother's Day and celebrate the next weekend, but 682 00:37:34,560 --> 00:37:36,520 just know that your day is coming. 683 00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:37,960 You can celebrate the next weekend. 684 00:37:38,280 --> 00:37:40,760 But heck, if you have them on Mother's Day, celebrate, take 685 00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:43,480 yourself out, do it. Don't forget Stepmother's Day. 686 00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:47,080 Just celebrate on Mother's Day. I mean, I feel like we're, we 687 00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:49,440 got this. We can, we can celebrate. 688 00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:54,440 OK, Be honest in this question. What hurts more? 689 00:37:55,720 --> 00:37:58,840 No acknowledgement or forced acknowledgement. 690 00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:06,160 That's so. That is so definitely how it was 691 00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:08,440 for my oldest stepson. So I'm trying to think of what 692 00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:13,960 hurt more. I feel like they both both hurt 693 00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:17,400 because I was doing everything. He was living with us full time 694 00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:20,240 and I could tell it was forced acknowledgement. 695 00:38:22,840 --> 00:38:27,320 It I think why that hurt less though is because I knew though 696 00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:31,080 that my husband was the one behind that forced 697 00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:35,840 acknowledgement so it made me feel respected as my partner's 698 00:38:36,200 --> 00:38:41,680 wife. But no acknowledgement still. 699 00:38:41,680 --> 00:38:45,720 It still feels shitty either way, you know, Yeah, it's a 700 00:38:45,720 --> 00:38:48,280 different kind of. Pain, the forced acknowledgement 701 00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:52,080 is just kind of awkward and cringy and it's like you guys 702 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:55,480 don't really have to be here, like OK, the breakfast in bed, 703 00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:00,560 but not acknowledging it. That's just I think that that's 704 00:39:00,560 --> 00:39:02,000 just wrong. That's just rude. 705 00:39:02,000 --> 00:39:05,160 I can't get behind that. But to each their own. 706 00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:13,600 What is our do you have for the listeners our little end of each 707 00:39:13,640 --> 00:39:18,640 episode? Do you have a what text you 708 00:39:18,640 --> 00:39:20,880 didn't send? A text you didn't send for this 709 00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:22,960 week? I have one. 710 00:39:24,400 --> 00:39:27,000 OK, so. That. 711 00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:36,480 Mom was sorry bio mom was asking for certain documents to attain 712 00:39:36,480 --> 00:39:39,040 child support where there is no child support. 713 00:39:40,760 --> 00:39:45,040 The texts we did. Not want to send and we typed 714 00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:55,000 out and just deleted was no, we refuse to pay for your Botox and 715 00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:59,360 instead we wrote have your attorney contact our attorney. 716 00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:03,400 I can't get behind. Child. 717 00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:05,160 Support. We need to talk about that 718 00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:07,800 another time, but we need, we need a whole. 719 00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:11,680 Episode on child support because I have scary feelings about 720 00:40:11,680 --> 00:40:13,160 that. Yeah, it's very. 721 00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:15,000 Scary. To me, because they can just do 722 00:40:15,000 --> 00:40:17,000 whatever they can go take vacations with the money and 723 00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:19,880 then you can't take your step kids ever on vacation. 724 00:40:19,880 --> 00:40:22,560 Like Disney World just gets better and better over there. 725 00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:25,400 I can't. So no, that's currently what 726 00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:28,440 we're dealing with and someone wants child support and we're 727 00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:35,480 just the attorneys hash it out. Well, I did get a couple. 728 00:40:35,480 --> 00:40:40,040 Texts I didn't send from the listeners that I thought was 729 00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:44,040 really interesting, one of them said. 730 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:53,000 Just because I didn't leave my kids doesn't mean you have to be 731 00:40:53,000 --> 00:40:56,000 so mean. I feel that. 732 00:40:57,040 --> 00:41:00,520 I was like, oh. Wow I was like that was a crazy 733 00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:03,840 one. Another one said that she wanted 734 00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:09,240 to just curse the bio mom out but she just didn't say anything 735 00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:12,160 instead. So I mean really proud of it 736 00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:14,560 for. That one silence speaks louder 737 00:41:14,560 --> 00:41:17,520 than words sometimes and especially in our case. 738 00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:20,120 I think bio mom goes nuts when we're silent. 739 00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:24,800 Oh yeah, I think. I think anyone from like just 740 00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:27,640 behavior standpoint, if you're not giving them the reaction 741 00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:31,320 that they're looking for, that literally infuriates them. 742 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:33,760 So that's why I love doing it. I think it's so fun. 743 00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:36,120 I like, it's like a little game to me. 744 00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:39,880 I like, like to watch, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like. 745 00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:41,960 That with everything. Though, you know, like working 746 00:41:41,960 --> 00:41:44,640 with kids and behavior and stuff for so many years. 747 00:41:44,760 --> 00:41:47,960 I'm like, it's just so fascinating to see because you 748 00:41:47,960 --> 00:41:51,120 can actually change someone's behavior sometimes by the way 749 00:41:51,120 --> 00:41:57,480 you react in certain circumstances to dive into that 750 00:41:57,480 --> 00:42:00,040 too, I. Need a specialist to come on and 751 00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:02,960 speak on that. Yeah, honestly, those. 752 00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:05,640 Stepmoms, if you're acknowledged, if you're not, 753 00:42:06,400 --> 00:42:08,960 come hang out with us. We'll make you feel better. 754 00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:10,680 We'll make you laugh with some one liners. 755 00:42:10,680 --> 00:42:16,560 Alyssa Scott And it's, you know, you're doing the hard work. 756 00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:20,160 And one day they're going to realize that. 757 00:42:20,160 --> 00:42:21,920 And I know that's hard because you're like, yeah, right. 758 00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:25,040 No. Even if they never say it, when 759 00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:29,600 they get older, kids know and they understand what moms look 760 00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:34,120 like, what type of stepmom they had or didn't have. 761 00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:37,440 So just be rest assured that it's OK. 762 00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:40,400 It hurts, but you're doing the hard work. 763 00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:43,760 It's harder than being a regular mom, I can tell you that for 764 00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:45,840 sure. Doing the Lord's work. 765 00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:50,040 Doing the Lord. 'S work well, we'll see you next 766 00:42:50,040 --> 00:42:55,560 week and next week is going to be a killer episode, so next 767 00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:57,520 week it's going to be tuned. So hot. 768 00:42:57,920 --> 00:43:01,120 OK, we'll see you all right next week, guys. 769 00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:03,800 Bye. That's it for. 770 00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:05,960 This week. On Stepmom Side Chats, we're 771 00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:08,400 Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties. 772 00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:11,200 Before you go. If something we said hit a 773 00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:15,400 little close to home, go ahead and hit Follow now so you don't 774 00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:18,600 miss future episodes and share with another stepmom to help us 775 00:43:18,600 --> 00:43:21,240 grow if you want to connect between episodes. 776 00:43:21,240 --> 00:43:24,320 Follow us on Instagram Stepmomsidechats and send us 777 00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:25,720 what you want us to chat about next. 778 00:43:26,040 --> 00:43:28,200 Keep giving yourself grace, you're doing better than you 779 00:43:28,200 --> 00:43:30,120 think. We'll chat with you all soon.