We come to Mother's Day and someone's telling us you're not
the mom. But the problem is I'm doing the
exact same stuff you do on the weeks that you don't have them.
If not more. So if you are getting a Mother's
Day cake or card because you make them lunches all week for
school, I make them lunches all week for school.
My husband don't do that. Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom
side Chats. We are your hosts, Alyssa and
Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. Who are done pretending
everything's perfect. This is where we talk
boundaries, PO parenting, hard truths, healing, and the stuff
nobody says out loud. If you're ready for real talk,
real growth, and a little bit of spice, let's get into it.
Hey everyone, welcome back. This is Alyssa and Becca.
You are listening to Stepmom Side Chats.
We're back for a very special episode this week.
This week we are coming to talk about the one and only Mother's
Day. Mother's Day.
Lord help us all. There's so much to go into this.
We're going to pack this episode, so let's just RIP into
it. Becca.
One thing to start with, I, I think that we are almost pros on
Mother's Day because we could be experts on this for one point
and one point only. We dealt with Mother's Day as
just stepmoms with no kids and then correct and multiple years
at that. And now we're dealing with
Mother's Day still as stepmoms, also as bio moms.
And so we're seeing like the whole gamut and we're
experiencing all of it. So we have a big transition to
discuss. There's so many different things
that we can discuss when it comes to Mother's Day in
general. And then Mother's Day is
stepmoms. But I was thinking about this
earlier today when you and I were texting and I was like, OK,
how are we going to start this episode, blah, blah, blah.
You know, just brainstorming. And I was like, you know what?
I think it's really important to understand where we both came
from when we were younger. Like, how did y'all celebrate
Mother's Day in your guys's households growing up?
Was it a big deal? Like tell me about that.
Yeah, I think and you know, and probably all of our listeners
know now that I make holidays a big deal.
Birthdays are a big thing over the top.
We start the birthday countdown on the beginning of the month
and that's because my birthday is on the 29th of the month, so
we celebrate my birthday. This funny night, this not
surprised me. That's just not surprising you
guys. I just had my birthday and I was
like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm just going to
get a massage girl. Like I was like, where's the
party? I'm like no party.
That sounds horrible. So you guys?
Don't go ahead. Obviously, it's huge.
My dad would make it really big too.
And it would like really a lot of moms out there are always
like, I just want to not be with my kids.
That was not my mom. My mom was like, I want to go do
everything fun that my kids love to do.
I want to take them bowling. And we'd always get her flowers,
even if my dad was the one to instigate it.
Like it was a big thing. And I think he taught us really
well how to do that. And because my mom liked it,
she's very much like me. And so that's kind of what I've
grown to expect. And so I've kind of trained my
husband like a little puppy. He just knows it's just what I
like for holidays. Oh yeah, that was explained.
So much about you though, because yeah, I mean, my mom was
like big on holidays too growing up, but I mean, we weren't
nearly as big as you, but I love that you're like that.
I I think that's, it's really cute.
And I just feel like that's like your love language, like how you
show people you love them. So I think that's.
Unfortunate for Ryan, it's gifts and acts of service.
Sorry, Ryan. No, that's cool for us, but what
did we do? My dad made it a big deal.
I don't know if he went to Langster or dad went to sorry
Dad, but he definitely made sure that we celebrated it.
You know, we would like make her breakfast.
I remember in the morning and then we were like, go do
something with her. Always, always, always.
We had to get some type of card. So yeah, it was it was fun.
And I know like my mom's a lot like your mom.
I feel like they're a lot of like, and she was the same way.
She's like, yeah, I just want to spend time with my kids, like,
do something fun, you know, and spend quality time with you
guys. And, you know, as we got older,
she's like, don't be on your phones, like things like that.
Cut to like 30 years later, how did it look for your first
stepmom, Mother's Day, Your first Mother's Day, you were a
stepmom. Like, that's such a weird
phenomenon to grasp. And I guess there is a select
few out there that they were moms and had a Mother's Day and
then they got step kids too. I feel like that's a little
easier transition because it's just like he's still getting
Mother's Day on Mother's Day. So what did it look like for
you? How did you set the expectation?
What did you start doing? Like, and obviously the kids,
were they with their mom on Mother's Day?
So my oldest stepson that I've talked about in previous
episodes, he lived with us and was with us for my first stepmom
Mother's Day. And my husband does a really
good job of this, to be honest. He, you know, came into my life
when he was like 13, so I wasn't really expecting anything.
Like it wouldn't have hurt my feelings.
You know, I helped him with things.
You know, I definitely did a lot of motherly things while he
lived here, you know, because I was a full time stepmom.
But I had already accepted like, you know what, I'm not his mom.
And like, that's something separate.
So I don't know, I just, it wouldn't have hurt my feelings.
But my husband did a really good job and he always gave me a card
and at least said it to me. And that was enough for me.
I mean, I think it's enough for any teenager, right?
So that's kind of what we did with him.
Yeah. However, my youngest, he was
always with his mom on Mother's Day.
And yeah, you know, no one really did anything for me.
I wasn't really expecting anything either, though, to be
honest. I don't know.
I don't know how you didn't tell me about yours.
You. I was like indifferent.
OK, well, I guess maybe because you had the teenager that was
still giving you a card of recognizing you, you didn't feel
a need to be recognized for everything that you're putting
up with and everything that you do for someone that's not yours.
Or did it feel like this isn't my day because I'm not the mom?
Yeah, I think that's what that's what it felt like for me.
And this. You just asked about my first
Mother's Day. So as I kept, you know, going
into my role, trust me, my feelings have changed since this
day. But yeah, no, at that time, I
was just like, I don't know, how old was I like 27?
I'm like, yeah, OK, cool. Let's go get a bottle of wine.
Like, I don't know. I just didn't really care, to be
honest. I was just like, yeah, OK.
Like they're not my kids, you know, And I remember my first
Mother's Day. I was just talking to one of our
members about this actually too. She was, she was laughing.
She's like, y'all are better than me.
My first, the first Mother's Day, I did make my oldest
stepson send flowers to his mom and I remember I paid for it.
Wasn't that so nice of me? That never happened again.
Nothing. Nothing against her, really.
Nothing against her. But that never happened again.
Here's my take on that. This is Alyssa's hot take of the
day. I always have to have some kind
of opinion that it seems like no one agrees with, but that's not
my responsibility because A, they're not with us on that day.
And second of all, the schools make them make some art for
their mom. Am I wrong?
Is that just here in Texas? Is that not a thing everywhere?
No. Because I was a teacher for a
really long time and I always, I did love doing that.
I made like really cool crafts and stuff that they would give
to their moms on Mother's Day. So yeah, no, I feel like it is
like that. It's I just feel like it's
different. OK, well, let's hear about
yours, though. What was your first experience
on Mother's Day when when you were a stepmom?
Like, do you remember that day? What was it like?
Yeah, let's think. I can't actually remember my
first Mother's Day. Let me think about this, because
I know we didn't have the kids. That was something that's in the
divorce decree. And I think that that's like not
a state thing, that's just a natural, the national thing.
Like usually the kids are with their mom for Mother's Day and
there's some kind of arrangement to do a swap if she doesn't have
them that weekend or whatever. And from what I've heard with
other someone's, it sounds like if the moms in the picture, they
give the kids back anyway. So we did not have the kids for
Mother's Day. And what we do with holidays is
if we don't have the kids, we would go spend that holiday with
my family. So we started spending Mother's
Day with my family and then we were like, wait a minute, we're
never going to have the kids on Mother's Day.
So at what point, right? At what point though, then are
we going to celebrate here and make it a thing for me?
And I don't, I think it took maybe like you, it took like one
or two for me to kind of get into like, where the heck is my
recognition here? My role is so imminent in these
kids lives. I'm very important and we're
just going to kind of brush it under the rug.
Where's stepmom's day? So that's kind of what led me to
research and find out that there actually is a stepmom's day and
it's nationally recognized. So, and it's the weekend after
Mother's Day. That makes perfect sense to me
because most of the time if you have the kids that weekend, then
you don't have them the weekend before.
So if they're at mom's for Mother's Day, they should
hopefully they're back with you the next weekend.
And if you're not, I think that's where, like, you make the
call in your household to make that weekend that you have them
next your Mother's Day. And we've definitely done that.
And again, my husband is so good at making sure that that's a
thing. But just because I've expressed
it to him and I've been very open and honest, like these are
my expectations for holidays because of how I was born.
You know, I didn't feel very needy and demanding saying it
because I'm kind of like, I can blame my mom.
I can blame my upbringing. This is just what I'm expecting,
you know? And that's a testament to us.
That's what you're used to. Yeah, it's what you're used to.
And I think that's so important. Is that like just because
someone grew up one way, it doesn't mean that that's wrong.
Like that's not wrong that you feel that way about holidays in
general or about Mother's Day. That's how you grew up.
So that's, you know, almost like your your family's culture that
you you were grown up in. Yeah, exactly.
And for families that are just getting into this and then maybe
not married yet or families that.
Are newly married and haven't set traditions.
I think that's the best place to start is like, well, what did
you do growing up that you liked and that you'd want to keep
doing? And then you, you know, you talk
about both sides and then say kind of meet in the middle or
like my husband, you know, and most men are like, I don't know
what we did or like, I'd get flowers for my mom.
They don't have a set tradition. So that's where you are free to
roam. You can say the sky is the
limit. This is what I want.
And then usually hopefully they're just like, OK, sure.
They just kind of go along with it.
And you know, they're they're too.
You might be, yeah, or you might be more like me because I think
a listener are very different. Like we always talk about I I
hate my birthday, guys. I know I'm so crazy.
I do not like it. I don't want to be a center of
attention. It makes me go.
Awkward because you're young and you shouldn't hate birthdays yet
that's the only reason why I think you're crazy.
I'm not young I've been like this since I was younger though.
Like I don't want to be like center of attention.
So for me as a stepmom, it almost makes me feel, and I
don't know if this is because our situations with our step
kids are different, but it almost makes me feel like
awkward, especially with my oldest stepson because let's be
honest, when you're coming into a teenager's life as a stepmom,
half their life is already done. They're I'm sorry, they don't
really want a stepmom. And, you know, not all stepmoms
are eager to be a stepmom to a teenager either.
So it goes both ways. But it's like, I almost didn't
want him to like, celebrate. And my husband would have like
made him do that. If, if, if that's what I wanted.
But I'm like, you probably aren't like too excited about me
either. So it's like, just don't make it
awkward, you know, like, just send the text.
OK, let's move on. What's for dinner?
Oh my gosh. We're just getting completely
ignored, the elephant in the room, and we'll just keep
tripping over it. But does that then set the
precedent for what all of the Mother's days will be like?
Because if you feel awkward with him and you don't, but you like
that, I guess because you don't want much attention,
recognition. But that's what I was going to
tell you when we were first talking about it, and that's
what I want to talk to you about next, is like how it's evolved
for both of us as stepmoms. Because now, that was just when
I had just my one stepson. I had no biological kids.
My youngest stepson didn't live with us full time.
We'll Fast forward to now, he does live with us full time.
And I have my own biological son.
I was, like, that whole week, like, leading up to it, I was
like, oh, is he going to, like, say Happy Mother's Day to me?
Like, I'm doing all the mom things.
I have him full time. I do sports.
I talk to the teacher. I do all these things.
Like, is he going to do something?
And I remember he came home and he was so excited.
He was like, Becca, Becca, look at what I made for my mom for
Mother's Day. And he's just like, so sweet.
And I was like, wait, let me see it.
Yeah. How did that make you feel?
Well, I'll tell you. So I was like, so I was like,
oh, OK. And inside like I'll be honest
with, with y'all. I was like, Oh my gosh, like
this kind of hurting my feelings like blah, blah, blah, blah.
And he was like, look what I made for my mom at school and
isn't it so cool that guy? And of course, like I always
like, I'm like, yeah, this is great.
Like to them like inside I'm dying.
But then he was like, oh, and I have one for you too.
And I was like, what? And he, like, pulled it out.
And it was just, you know, this little craft from, like,
elementary school, y'all? I started, like, getting teary
eyed. I was like, you made me one.
Yeah. And I really do think.
And that's why I love teachers everywhere is I'm pretty sure it
was the teacher who was like, hey, you need to make one for
your stepmom, too. She's the one texting me every
day. Yes, yes, correct.
Yeah, so, so now if he didn't acknowledge me because I have
been in his life for so many years and been his primary
caretaker, yeah, it would piss me off if he didn't say
anything. Now, I would never expect him
to, you know, write me a huge long card like I only love you
so much. You're the best thing ever.
Because that's how he probably feels about his mom.
But yeah, I would expect something.
And my husband would definitely make that known too if something
changed. Yeah, I think, I don't know that
school has made the kids do anything for me.
Not that I remember. But I will say when Christmas
comes around, they have a little shop, you know, their school
makes them buy something for everyone in their family.
They have. Yeah.
They got a lot of siblings between us.
They got a lot of parents. And they do it.
So they do. Yeah, but not for Mother's Day.
But they do make things for their own mom for Mother's Day.
And in my situation, and probably for a lot of them,
there's a stepdad in the picture now.
So that's his job. He's the one that's supposed to
be celebrating his life as the mom of the kids, not like the is
the mom of his kids. If he loves her and he thinks
she's a good mom, then it's his job to celebrate her.
So that is not our responsibility.
And I'm releasing everyone from that burden.
I just want everyone to like what?
Wait, so question, So then when your husband, when you first
came into the picture in the very, very beginning, was he
still having the boys make Mother's Day stuff for her?
Like, was he the one encouraging that in the beginning before you
kind of took over? Yeah, so he says, he says I'm
scared. I I do ask stuff like that a lot
and like we travel and I'll say, you know, do you guys take a lot
of trips before? And I used to ask stuff like
that and he'd say that wasn't someone I'd want to like, spend
alone time with. So they didn't, like, take a lot
of trips when I went. So same thing with like,
Mother's Day. I was like, did you do all this
and go all out? Part of it is because I set
those expectations when we met and when we got married of like,
this is what I grew up with. This is what I want, but I would
expect. But in the same breath, he says
it is so much easier to celebrate me, and celebrating
someone like me is so different, so I don't.
Think. He did the same stuff for her
and maybe she didn't have those expectations knowing her.
Saying maybe she was like me. She was like a plain Jane, like
you. Know plain Jane OK OK the
episode about the exes is a whole new episode yeah I I don't
know I just she seems like someone that would expect a lot
and a big to do. Oh OK so here is my problem.
We had a big situation I've made it known on here that she was
very much like you are not the mom Alyssa.
You're not the mom. Stop pretending to be the mom.
Stop acting like the mom. And that's why we have this
platform because I have dealt with that for so long and I feel
that so many levels for so many different stepmoms, and I think
it's very relatable. But here is the big problem.
We come to Mother's Day and someone's telling us you're not
the mom. But the problem is I'm doing the
exact same stuff you do on the weeks that you don't have them.
If not more. So if you are getting a Mother's
Day cake or card because you make them lunches all week for
school, I make them lunches all week for school.
My husband don't do that. What about like taking them to
soccer and signing them up for basketball?
Like we're doing these motherly duties.
We deserve to be recognized. I don't think though that we
should be arguing about the day. I think that it's we should have
our own day. It should be separate and the
beauty of this, I want to get into how we deal with it when we
have our bio kids too. Since we don't have our kids on
Mother's Day, they go. Or our step kids, they go to
their mom's house. We get 2 Mother's Days.
So I celebrate Mother's Day with my babies on the actual day.
This is perfect for someone like me that loves the celebrations.
Let's have a special day. Let's have more cake.
Let's, you know, have more fancy dinner reservations and
brunches. Just twice as much fun.
Heck, the kids get it. They get 2 birthdays.
They get 2 Christmases. Why don't we get 2 Mother's
Days? I sound like a child.
I could do without, to be honest.
I, like, don't care. I think, though, if I'm not
acknowledged at all, yeah, that would piss me off.
Like at least say Happy Mother's Day.
Like, I'm not like you. And that way, like, I don't
really expect much. I'm just kind of chill when it
comes to those kind of things. My husband is actually more like
you, Alyssa. Like he's very over the top.
It was just my. Birthday.
We're very much alike. We're like, yeah, you guys are.
Y'all are two little stubborn Sally's.
Can I ask you something? When was the last time you
actually felt taken care of? Not on a holiday, not when
someone finally said thank you. Just in the normal quiet parts
of your day. Because if you're anything like
us, you're constantly pouring into everyone else.
Kids, schedules, emotions, all of it.
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Let them know you heard about it from us on Stepmom side chats
because home starts with you. So what do you do now that you
have bio kids and step kids or a bio kid and step kids?
What are you doing for Mother's Day?
You're just doing Mother's Day. And then if you don't have one
of the step kids with you, they don't celebrate or recognize you
at all. So it's going to be different.
For me this year, because I've always had my step kid on
Mother's Day since I had my bio son, it will be the first year
that his mom is doing 5050 that he'll be here.
So I'm assuming and obviously we would never say no, she's going
to have him for Mother's Day. So we'll see what that looks
like. In the past, everyone's going to
be shocked when I say this. His mom would send me something
for Mother's Day when, you know, she didn't live here full time,
but I was taking care of him full time.
Stop. It yes, yes she sent me like a
huge I. Don't believe?
You, you know what it's like blended families are so complex
and so complicated. But I don't even think I told
you this. I'm going to tell you now.
We'll see your real time reaction.
So it was my birthday this last weekend, another holiday, right?
She said. She said happy birthday and then
she got me a massage and had her son come in after school.
It wasn't our day. And give me a card and say, so
It's like, even if we're not like on the friendliest of
terms, she always does make sure that I'm recognized in some
capacity for my birthday and Mother's Day.
I know she's a better person than I am when it comes to that
because I'm Patty. Patty, I'd be like, Nah, I'm not
getting you anything. So she she is good when it comes
to that stuff. For sure way.
Oh my gosh, that's so. Wild.
No, you didn't tell me that you really know massage.
You didn't say. Lo and behold, bio mom bought it
for me. It wasn't that one she bought me
another one that was the one my husband bought me.
But anyhow, same story. What was I going to say?
No. So for you though, because you
and bio mom haven't always been like not talking in the
beginning, Did you like say Happy Mother's Day to her?
Did she say Happy Mother's Day to you?
And like, thank you really never.
Not one time. Not like thank you for
everything you do for my kids. We weren't talking either.
That's the thing. Like we would talk in person
because we'd be at events together but we didn't like ever
text or anything. She messaged me when I got
engaged on Instagram and she said love your outfit and
Congrats or something. But she had just gotten engaged.
So it was a very neutral time because, and that's what kind of
made me think everything would be fine and dandy was just so.
Naive. It's really unfortunate that we
even have to question each other's intentions and I think
that goes both ways, right? I think bio mom probably
questions our intentions and vice versa.
It's like her saying that to you like, you know, it was a neutral
time but you're probably like oh OK, what's coming?
What's next? Like what's the intention behind
you being nice to me? Even if those persons intentions
are pure, which is really sad. It has to be like that, but you
know, complexities of being a stepmom.
What do you think about what do you think husbands and partners
roles should be for stepmoms on mother's days?
Do you think that they should be the one encouraging their kids
to do something for the mom or or for the stepmom?
Or how do you think they play a role into it?
Yeah, let's be honest, I think that a lot of dads probably
dropped the ball because they're just men in general.
That's just not their thing. That's not their Forte.
And let's remember what I said a few episodes ago in Season 1.
Men are like waffles. Women are like spaghetti.
If your husband is thinking about work that day and he's
overwhelmed with work or some issue, whatever, that's where
he's at for the day. And until he comes home and
unloads, but then he'll be like in the family box.
We are working and taking care of the kids and cleaning the
house and thinking about the grocery list and thinking about
Mother's Day, which is 3 weeks away.
You know, we're the spaghetti and we're.
So we have to be understanding that the men, this isn't their
thing. They're not just thinking about
it. A rare few might.
But I think that it's important for us to set those expectations
and have those conversations. And and yeah, I don't think the
stepmom or the bio mom is our responsibility.
Her new husband, I mean, I don't know, maybe if she's not
remarried, but her new husband or her spouse, that's their
responsibility. If your relationship is great
though, I would say to have, you know, your kiddo or your step
kiddo, make some things that you keep that relationship great
because we all wish we were on that side of things.
And when we were on that side of things, we wish we were still on
that side where things are happy and kosher and it's not always a
battle and scary of like, what's next?
Yeah, I know. I think because I've been
thinking about it recently, I'm, I'm still going to obviously
encourage my stepson to do something like we are going to
go to the store, we are going to pick something out, you know,
and it is, it is what it is, you know, but I agree.
But both of my bio moms, they didn't have someone, you know,
for the longest time and one of them still doesn't.
So I do always tell my step kids, especially my oldest,
because he's old. I'm like you talked to your
mother for Mother's Day, right, like you called her right, You
know, because I just kind of been like that with him, like me
and him have that relationship. I'm like, don't be an A hole.
Make sure you do that. Oh, thank you for reminding me,
Rebecca. You know, like and I think
that's just like it's hard because it's like some of these
people, they put us through hell and we do not agree with how
they mother or how they've treated us or our spouse,
etcetera, etcetera. However, we still have such an
influential part of this kids life that I, I think it's really
important to show them that you treat your mom a certain way,
even, you know, maybe when you're older and you're selfish,
like you need to learn like basic little things like this.
OK, I have something for you. What about, you know, it's
emotional for us, It's emotional for bio mom and what about the
kiddos? Like it's emotional for kids to
navigate this, especially with the loyalty binds and if they
love you, what are we doing for the kids?
Like that's a tough situation. I think a lot of people kind of
forget that the kids are pulled in these weird directions.
I know my step kids are affected by Mother's Day because they
feel the the tension because there's a switch.
Like most years, if we don't have them, we usually don't have
them. Honestly, it's just the last few
years it's ended up where we didn't have them and they were
already there. But this year they're going to
technically be with us. So we're going to have to do
that switch. And it's kind of in the middle
of their visit and that just triggers them a little bit, you
know, and that's hard on them. It's a reset and it's only a
couple days with dad then. And so it's hard, but then they
also, they want to love their mom, but they're like torn
because, you know, they wanted to be with dad and they're taken
from dad's house. And then they're like, oh, it's
Mother's Day, but my stepmom, is she not a mom?
Like, this is a very confusing time for kids too.
I feel for them. I actually do.
And I think it also, it's like if I could imagine being a child
in two different homes in a blood and family situation, I
would imagine that you just have these different realities all
the time, right? You have your reality is that
dad's house, and you have your reality when you're at your
mom's house. But then when Mother's Day comes
and you're doing those middle of the day switches, it's almost
like your reality gets brought up again, like, oh, well, yeah,
I do have two different homes. My stepmom is not my real mom
and I am going to go now to my real mom's house.
And how is that going to make her feel that I was with my
stepmom in the beginning of the day and now I'm only with her at
the second part of the day or, or vice versa.
So yeah, I would imagine it's super confusing.
And that's why I always try to be really low pressure with my
stepson, especially my youngest one.
It's like, you know what? You want to make me something at
school. You do you, honey.
If you don't, I'm not going to say a word because I know that
you love me. I know we have a special bond
and it's not going to take away from anything.
If I get a little handprint from school, you know, just be nice
to me. That's all I asked for.
Yeah, actually spare me the handprint because I'm going to
feel like complete bitch when I throw it away.
You throw them away. You know what my husband and I
say? It's the same with teeth, OK?
You look at it, you admire it, you toss it.
So you do that with your biological kids stuff too.
Yeah, I do keep a certain few things.
Like I can't keep. There's so much stuff that comes
home from church, from school. There's so much stuff.
We make stuff at home, too. Oh my gosh, no.
If I kept everything. Are you crazy?
Do you keep everything? No, it was funny though.
I threw something away of my bio sense the other day and he found
it in the trash and he goes, mommy, this was so special to
me. Why did you throw it away?
I go, oh, I'm so sorry. I was like, oh darn it.
But yeah, no, that's funny. That's really funny.
OK, so the kid has, when they feel pressure to perform love
correctly, it kind of shows up as them saying what they think
each parent wants to hear. That's when we get hurt as
stepmoms because we know that the kids are kind of just
telling us what we want to hear, but they're performing love for
us. They the way that they think
love is to be shown is by telling someone what they want
to hear. Where we think they're kind of
manipulating or working the system, they act extra excited
or weirdly distant. I have seen that in each of my
stepsons because one does the extra excited, like fake excited
thing and one does the weirdly distant where I'm like, I don't
know how to connect with you. You know, it's the older 1.
And I'm like, is this hormones? Is this just your personality?
And then another thing they do is avoiding mentioning one mom
in front of the other, which I guess that that's completely
normal. I don't think that that's
healthy, something that we had to do for a while, the parent
coach told both households. Don't talk about the other
household at all, Don't bring it up, don't do anything.
But I don't want the kids to feel like they can't.
Does that make sense? Yes, yes.
And even when I've had like, difficult times with like, my
son's mom or anything, and we're not seeing eye to eye, I always
try to make it a conscious effort to kind of ask about the
other home. Because like you said, I want to
make sure that he has some type of like, ability to communicate
with me about it and trust when it comes to us.
So yeah, I know. I definitely see what you're
saying. And I think a message for
stepmoms to take away from this is like if the step kiddo is
acting weird on Mother's Day, say they're at your house still.
It's not about you or the day. It's more so a reflection of
that position that they're in where they're torn.
And so because each one's going to be different, just like we
always tell a lot of our members, like we need contacts
so that we can guide a little bit better because No2
situations are the same. So does the kiddo actually maybe
need to call mom? Does the kiddo need to make some
Mother's Day art to take back with them?
Does the kiddo need to just not really know it's Mother's Day?
Does the kiddo need to not be celebrating you if mother is not
in the picture? Or do they need to because
mother is in the picture? You know, it's like, let's just
dive into your family, what that child needs, your dynamic, and
then, you know, figure out what's best for the kiddo in
your situation. Yeah, I agree.
Every step kid and every kid in general is so different.
Like their personality is different, how they are
adjusting and navigating. Having two household is
different, 2 households is different.
And like you said, like maybe bio mom isn't in the picture at
that time and you do have that step kid for Mother's Day.
That's obviously going to affect how that whole day, you know,
unfold. So no, I think that's important.
Be honest though, Alissa, do you feel like you dread Mother's Day
now because of this added layer? Or how do you are you just like,
oh, you have your biological kits, so you just kind of focus
on that? Yeah, I definitely.
Dread it unfortunately because I feel like birthdays are enough
and maybe because we do everything and for someone that
loves holidays to really dread something is a lot.
I think when the kids are upset and emotionally pulled, like I
was kind of talking about, that affects the whole household.
And I know my husband gets a little jolted whenever we have
to do the switch when it's. Not a.
Transition day, That's normal. And then of course, it's kind of
a slap in the face for stepmoms. I'm fine with it because I can
still celebrate with my kids. But the fact that, like, my step
kids are removed from the home for Mother's Day and taken to
their mom's house as if we don't get to be celebrated, it's
weird. You know, it's hard to not get
in your feels about that. Yeah.
And I think. Like speaking to childless
stepmoms, it's like, especially once who are full time, it's
like, OK, I'm doing everything for you and to maybe not be
acknowledged on that day or even thanked or even, you know, hey,
happy Mother's Day, Becca or you know, whoever it is.
I think that that would hurt in such a, a bigger way than a mom
who might have biological kids. So they are going to be
celebrated in in some way, even if it's not by their step kids.
That's where I think that. They have to really lean into
Stepmother's Day the following weekend, and it does.
You don't even have to make it Stepmother's Day if you want to
just celebrate Mother's Day. Just know that the weekend
following Mother's Day is celebrated by all stepmoms, you
know, in America. So you can, it's hard to, I
know, remove the fact because like if you go to church, they
talk about it at church. If you want to go eat somewhere,
it's like Mother's Day brunch. It's kind of slaps you in the
face. You can't even go to the grocery
store. There's flowers everywhere that
overpriced. And it's like, oh, it's Mother's
Day. So not to say like it's so easy
to just forget Mother's Day and celebrate the next weekend, but
just know that your day is coming.
You can celebrate the next weekend.
But heck, if you have them on Mother's Day, celebrate, take
yourself out, do it. Don't forget Stepmother's Day.
Just celebrate on Mother's Day. I mean, I feel like we're, we
got this. We can, we can celebrate.
OK, Be honest in this question. What hurts more?
No acknowledgement or forced acknowledgement.
That's so. That is so definitely how it was
for my oldest stepson. So I'm trying to think of what
hurt more. I feel like they both both hurt
because I was doing everything. He was living with us full time
and I could tell it was forced acknowledgement.
It I think why that hurt less though is because I knew though
that my husband was the one behind that forced
acknowledgement so it made me feel respected as my partner's
wife. But no acknowledgement still.
It still feels shitty either way, you know, Yeah, it's a
different kind of. Pain, the forced acknowledgement
is just kind of awkward and cringy and it's like you guys
don't really have to be here, like OK, the breakfast in bed,
but not acknowledging it. That's just I think that that's
just wrong. That's just rude.
I can't get behind that. But to each their own.
What is our do you have for the listeners our little end of each
episode? Do you have a what text you
didn't send? A text you didn't send for this
week? I have one.
OK, so. That.
Mom was sorry bio mom was asking for certain documents to attain
child support where there is no child support.
The texts we did. Not want to send and we typed
out and just deleted was no, we refuse to pay for your Botox and
instead we wrote have your attorney contact our attorney.
I can't get behind. Child.
Support. We need to talk about that
another time, but we need, we need a whole.
Episode on child support because I have scary feelings about
that. Yeah, it's very.
Scary. To me, because they can just do
whatever they can go take vacations with the money and
then you can't take your step kids ever on vacation.
Like Disney World just gets better and better over there.
I can't. So no, that's currently what
we're dealing with and someone wants child support and we're
just the attorneys hash it out. Well, I did get a couple.
Texts I didn't send from the listeners that I thought was
really interesting, one of them said.
Just because I didn't leave my kids doesn't mean you have to be
so mean. I feel that.
I was like, oh. Wow I was like that was a crazy
one. Another one said that she wanted
to just curse the bio mom out but she just didn't say anything
instead. So I mean really proud of it
for. That one silence speaks louder
than words sometimes and especially in our case.
I think bio mom goes nuts when we're silent.
Oh yeah, I think. I think anyone from like just
behavior standpoint, if you're not giving them the reaction
that they're looking for, that literally infuriates them.
So that's why I love doing it. I think it's so fun.
I like, it's like a little game to me.
I like, like to watch, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like.
That with everything. Though, you know, like working
with kids and behavior and stuff for so many years.
I'm like, it's just so fascinating to see because you
can actually change someone's behavior sometimes by the way
you react in certain circumstances to dive into that
too, I. Need a specialist to come on and
speak on that. Yeah, honestly, those.
Stepmoms, if you're acknowledged, if you're not,
come hang out with us. We'll make you feel better.
We'll make you laugh with some one liners.
Alyssa Scott And it's, you know, you're doing the hard work.
And one day they're going to realize that.
And I know that's hard because you're like, yeah, right.
No. Even if they never say it, when
they get older, kids know and they understand what moms look
like, what type of stepmom they had or didn't have.
So just be rest assured that it's OK.
It hurts, but you're doing the hard work.
It's harder than being a regular mom, I can tell you that for
sure. Doing the Lord's work.
Doing the Lord. 'S work well, we'll see you next
week and next week is going to be a killer episode, so next
week it's going to be tuned. So hot.
OK, we'll see you all right next week, guys.
Bye. That's it for.
This week. On Stepmom Side Chats, we're
Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties.
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