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It's complete hell for, for bonus moms.
It's like you guys are like building #1 sometimes like not,
not even, not even dad, like, you know, the bonus moms,
they're just, you know, they're complete scum of the earth to,
to these bio moms. And it blows my mind because a
vast majority of these bonus moms are just trying to take
care of the children. Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom
side Chats. We are your hosts, Alyssa and
Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. Who are done pretending
everything's perfect. This is where we talk
boundaries, PO parenting, hard truths, healing, and the stuff
nobody says out loud. If you're ready for real talk,
real growth, and a little bit of spice.
Let's. Get into it.
Hello everyone. Welcome back to another episode
of Stepmom Side Chats. We are so happy you guys are
here today and Alyssa and I are just so excited about who is
here today. We have Randy Keith, he is known
as present father. He is a fatherhood advocate and
founder of the present Father movement, a community that's
helps dad stay present, break cycles and show up fully for
their kids even in the hardest seasons.
So to start, Randy, just tell us a little bit about who you are.
Why you started your platform and content around parenting and
Co parenting? Yeah, yeah.
So first of all, I just want to say thank you guys for having me
on. I really appreciate it.
So I'll just start from from the beginning.
We'll get we'll get right into it.
So well, let's see, it's been about 3 1/2 years now got
divorced, right. Like it's kind of, it's kind of
why we're we're doing this podcast, right?
We've kind of been there. Guilty.
So got divorced and I, and I didn't know anything about going
through a divorce or, or going through a, you know, a custody
battle or, or anything like this.
So my, my ex-wife, you know, I'm not here to bash her or anything
like that, but I, I just kind of, you know, I got to tell
facts so that, you know, that there's context.
So we have two kids and she started drinking heavily.
So I don't know if you if you guys ever been lectured by
somebody that is drunk or like super annoying super.
Annoying, yes, especially when you're not drunk.
Super annoying. Right, exactly.
So this was going on for months. And when I say drinking heavily,
like I'm talking like a bottle of vodka at night, so super
heavy. And she said she kept saying
like bringing up divorce and she'd bring it up, bring it up,
bring it up. Well, this got on for like 3
months of me going to bed and I would get in bed and then she'd
start the drunk lecture. And I never wanted divorce.
I never. I wanted my kids to have to have
both parents just like pretty much everybody, right?
And so one night she's doing the lecturing thing and she says I
think we should get divorced. And I said, I think that's a
good idea. And so the next day I went and
filed for divorce. And since then, my whole life
completely changed. And, you know, it has been a
complete whirlwind of hell. You know, we had a domestic
violence incident where she said she was going to kill herself.
I don't know. Can I say that on here?
OK, All right. So she said she's going to kill
herself. She, she actually said, I'm
going to, I'm going to go blow my fucking brains out.
And she went to the gun safe that we have in the garage and
she was getting in the gun safe. She's putting the numbers in.
So I stepped in front of her and just, I just put my arms out
like an airplane. And I said, hey, like, calm
down. You know, like let's talk about
this. You know, obviously I don't want
the mother of my children to harm herself.
So she starts hitting me and stuff and I'm like, OK, I need
to call the police because this is escalating and I don't want
to get arrested. I don't want to go to jail for
domestic violence. And mind you, you know, I don't
even know if you guys know this or not, but I am a police
officer. That's my, that's my, my real
job. No, I did not realize.
Yeah, yeah. So I have to call the Police
Department to my house, which is super embarrassing because you
know, like there's a police car, my driveway, so super
embarrassing. So they show up and you know,
she doesn't get in the gun safe. I keep her from doing that, but
she's hitting me the whole time. So they.
Anyways, I'm going to kind of keep it short here, but they end
up taking her to the hospital for suicidal ideations because
of her trying to get into the gun.
And I don't want any, you know, favoritism because I'm a police
officer or anything like that. I just want to be treated like
her, a regular citizen. Just just do your guys job and
you know, I just want to be a regular citizen in this
situation. So while she's at the hospital,
she texts me and she says, hey, I'm I'm getting ready to get out
of here. Get ready.
And so I, you know, the kids are in the house at this time.
I'm with the kids. She's only been there like 2
hours. And I'm like, wait, like how are
you? How are they releasing you?
Like I don't understand. Like you were literally just
trying to get into a gun safe and you said that you were going
to, you know, kill yourself. So I called the hospital and I'm
like, hey, like, you know, you guys need to, I don't know
what's going on. Like I know Hipaa's the thing
and you guys aren't going to give me any information.
I'm not looking for any information.
I'm telling you, my wife's there.
Her name's this. This is what happened.
She needs to be evaluated. She needs help.
Well, what happened is she had already, I could tell by the
nurse's tone that I had already been painted as, as the abuser
in, in the, in her mind. So, so it's like 4 in the
morning at this point. So I got to wake my kids up
because she's on her way back and I'm not going to have any
more yelling and screaming or anything like that in front of
the kids. So I go to my parents house,
which they have a super small house and it's not ideal for for
me and the kids to be there. So we get over to my parents
house and I'm trying to figure out, OK, what am I going to do?
Because she's not going to leave the house and she was just
trying to get in the gun safe to kill herself.
I don't want her around the kids right now, you know, in the
mindset that she's in. So I end up, you know, she's
texting me saying where you at? I said, Hey, listen, like I'm
not keeping the kids from you, but can you go somewhere else so
that we can go home? Because I don't have anywhere to
go with the kids. I mean, she refuses.
She she won't leave the house. And so I'm like, OK, well, what,
what other resources are there to where I can get her help that
she needs? Because this whole time she's
blowing out my phone. Like I'm talking like in 30
minutes, like 97 text messages are coming through.
And it wasn't about the kids. It was about, you know, I can't
believe you did that to me. Fuck you.
You're a piece of shit. Like, you know, just stuff like
that. So like, OK, she's let me back
up a little bit because I kind of jumped forward, but she's
she's bipolar. And when I say she's bipolar,
like I'm not just a ex-husband. Yeah, I was going to ask you,
does she have a diagnosed like mental illness?
Because from what you're describing, it definitely sounds
like, you know, she does and and that's super hard in itself.
So I can't imagine like being the dad and the husband dealing
with that as well. Yeah, no, there's a diagnosis of
bipolar disorder and I'm not just like a, you know, a bitter
exits colon or exit. Oh, they got bipolar.
Don't like it's diagnosed. So I'm like, OK, she's, she's in
a manic episode. She needs help.
So I go get her involuntarily committed psychiatric facility
have to fill out a petition and the judge has to approve it
everything, which was super hard for me to do that because I
like, I, I know how those places can be sometimes and I didn't
want to, you know, have her go to a place like that, but I, I
didn't know what to do. I was kind of at my, my, you
know, my wits in because she needed help and she was refusing
to help herself. So I filled that out and then
the police wouldn't pick her up from the house and took her
there. Now, while she's in the
psychiatric facility, she keeps contacting me, right?
And saying finally she says when I get out of here, the gloves
are off. Motherfucker.
I don't know how long they're going to keep her because she
just got out of hospital in two hours.
She was able to manipulate them. So I don't know when she's going
to get out of here. So I get that order of
protection against her and I get emergency custody at this time
while she's in the psychiatric facility.
And this happens over like about a week span.
And so you guys have any questions at this point before
you want me to keep going with this?
Yeah. No, no, go ahead, Alyssa.
Real quick, did you have in any of this leading up to now?
Did you have CPS coming to your house?
No, not yet, not yet. CPS was never involved until
later that we got into the the custody battle and then CPS got
involved. I think we're quiet because
we're just like, taking it all in.
But also like he might be surprised that it's like, it
seem like nothing shocks us. It's so sad.
But yeah. We're no, no, I'm totally with
you guys. All these high conflict bio
moms. It's so sad that this is, you
know, not a, this is kind of a common thing.
This is a little more extreme. So I'm super interested.
I'm very intrigued. But yeah, keep going.
Well, I had a question for you, Randy.
Did you know when you got married if she had bipolar
disorder? Or is that something that kind
of manifested? Because I know I'm in the mental
health field myself, and so I know that sometimes that happens
as people age. So I'm just interested to know
if if you knew that before, if that's something that kind of
happened in the middle of your marriage, if you mind.
Sherry. Yeah, no, So me and her, so we
were high school sweethearts. So we got married at 21 years
old. So we got married super early.
So I didn't even really know what bipolar disorder was being
that young, you know, But there were signs.
Looking back now and knowing what I know, there were signs
that that probably, you know, she was having some manic
episodes that I just didn't know any better.
So, yeah, I, I think she, I think it started like showing
when she was like in her early 20s probably.
Wow. That's interesting that you
bring that up because I I have my kids in counselling now to
kind of recover from all this. Yeah, absolutely.
And he was telling me that, you know, bipolar disorder, usually,
usually people with bipolar disorder can manage until
they're about 29 years old. And then that's when things like
like really start to flare up, which is super interesting
because that's exactly the age when things completely turned
180. So I found that quite
interesting that there's like an age and it just like fell right
into that. Yeah, no, that must have been
super hard for you as a husband because I'm sure that you had
empathy for her, but now you have these children that you
have to think about first. And so yeah, that's that's
really difficult. Can you walk us through your
family dynamic now and what Co parenting looks right now for
you guys? So right now our family, you
know, we're a blended family. So I am engaged and we're
getting married and May and so I'm super excited about that.
Very exciting, we love. Stepmoms yeah.
So the so we have 5 kids together in the blended family.
Ages range from 16 and then our youngest is 6.
So yeah, things are going pretty crazy.
Pretty crazy. If I have 5 kids and a blended
family. It's crazy, but it's it's
awesome. I can't give you stepmoms enough
credit. Can I ask you something?
When was the last time you actually felt taken care of?
Not on a holiday, not when someone finally said thank you.
Just in the normal, quiet parts of your day.
Because if you're anything like us, you're constantly pouring
into everyone else. Kids, schedules, emotions, all
of it. And that's why we love Cozy
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You guys are awesome. Awesome.
The things that you guys go through, especially in high
conflict situations. You know, me and my fiance were
just talking last night and this is something I'll get into, but
I got my final custody ruling last night.
So we got that last night and you know, I just sat down with
my fiance and just thanked her for everything hanging in there
and and really be in my rock during this year.
So can you tell with us or share with us what does your custody
look like? Do you have like 100%?
You have 5050 right now? So I guess that's, I guess it's
like 70, thirty, 8020 somewhere in there.
And I, and I never wanted that. I wanted 5050.
But right now I have them, you know, throughout the week and
then she gets them every other weekend.
She has the kids that that's her own doing.
And that's not something that I wanted to keep the kids from her
at all. In fact, when we, when we first
started this journey, I'll call it, I told her, you know, let's
just do 5050. And I offered her, you know, a
pretty substantial amount of alimony and just just trying to
make sure that she was OK taking care of and the, you know, the
kids had both parents life. And she told me, oh, I'm going
to take you for every fucking thing that you have, you know,
so and then we went down that road.
So yeah, it's been. She's probably the idiot in this
situation because she is showing her cards by sending you these
text messages. Because if I've learned
anything, what you type in a text message or e-mail will be
used against you in court. Yeah, absolutely.
Actually just did a whole YouTube video on text messages
and high conflict situations. Yeah, it's she has dug herself
in such a bad way that her own family is doesn't really want
anything to do with her like her parents.
I take the kids on my time to go see her parents because she
can't get along with her parents.
And I want my kids to have a relationship with that side of
the family. They need to know who they are
and, you know, not be erased. So it, it's just been a complete
nightmare getting to this point, you know, and that's kind of
where I started this from. I just started this talking to
my phone. I one day I dropped the kids off
with her and she was in a super bad way, but I had 1/4 that I
had to follow. And so I dropped her off.
I dropped the kids off and I'm driving home and like I'm super
emotional and I jump off my phone and I just start recording
my feelings. And I don't know what made me do
it, but I posted it and I mean, I got hundreds of messages from
that one video and that's how this all started.
Well, and I think it's pretty evident by your following that
you are not the only dad going through this or that feels that
way. And I think it it takes a lot
for someone to go ahead and share that with everyone else.
So I really commend the work you're doing with that.
As far as you and her relationship, if you'll feel
comfortable sharing, Do you guys just not communicate at all
about the kids? Is there any type of Co
parenting in this type of situation or is it more just
parallel parenting? You do what you want at your
house, and I do what I want at my house.
Yeah, it's pretty much parallel parenting.
I I have seriously tried and you know, like get jealous of the
videos that you see online of these Co parents and they're at
you know, baseball games together, basketball games,
they're at birthdays together and they're all getting along
and I envy that so much. I I want that so bad, but it's
never going to happen. I cannot Co parent with her
because everything that she does is to hurt me or she ends up
hurting the kids. So there's no Co parenting
there. And people ask me, you know,
well, how do you Co parent? I don't.
There's no Co parenting in a high conflict situation because
your words are always going to get twisted.
You're always going to be the villain and everything is going
to be for the wrong reasons. So I don't, I don't Co parent,
you know, parallel parenting, shield parenting, same, same
thing. But yeah, that's, that's where
I'm at with it. And and that's what I'm telling
my clients as well. You can't Co parent with a high
conflict person. You just can't do it.
Well, and so let me just say my husband completely resonates
with you. Everything that you post and
your Instagram is, I mean, he looks at that and then he sees
back at night and he's like, I should be doing this too.
And I'm like, OK, stick to your day job.
But no, I it's just like this stuff that you post is so real.
It's so raw. I'm wondering how you're not
scared because Becca and I are already like, you know, some,
most of the things we post are just other stepmoms realities.
And we're kind of in a lot of feelings are our own, but of
course we're scared because we have high conflict bio moms too.
And by high conflict, like I hate that some people say don't
use that term or it's not, you know, whatever.
But in my opinion, if a bio mom wants so badly to hurt bio dad
or stepmom that she drags the kids through the mud and does
not care if they get pulled through weeds, rattlesnakes and
like all the things, then that's a high conflict bio mom.
Yeah, absolutely. You know, and you can't you
can't Co parent with that because you all it's going to
end up doing is hurting the kids.
You know, you have to keep it to emails, you have to keep it
documented. And it's so sad that you can't
just have a conversation with somebody and you guys know what
was said and then that's what happens.
But when you're with, you know, just like you said, when you're
dealing with somebody who, you know, they want to hurt the kids
more than they love them or they want to hurt, you know, dad more
than they love the kids. You have to protect yourself and
the kids at that point. I mean, there's just no two ways
about it. There's there's no other way to
do it. Well, and I think the other
thing I don't know like where she's at in her mental health
journey too, but I'm sure that plays a significant factor in
y'all's parenting and her as a mother having to deal with that
on top of this situation. So I'm sure that's really
difficult for you to see because although you probably you,
you're obviously not in love with her.
You have probably, I would assume by you know, you're
posting things, you still have some type of level of this is my
kids mother. And so I'm sure that's, you
know, heartbreaking in itself for you.
I did have a question though, How do you stay connected with
your kids when they when they are at that other home?
Do you get to talk to them? How does that work?
Recently it's, it's gotten better, but they're only there
for a, a weekend, right? That's every other weekend.
So I try not to interfere with that time because that, that is
her time and she's not getting very much time with them.
So I try and be respectful of, of their time with their mom and
not be overbearing or, you know, interrupt with the guy going on.
I'll call on Saturday, I'll call and, you know, just check in
and, you know, tell the kids I love them, but I keep it super
short and, and be respectful at that time.
So. But she doesn't always answer
right. And there's a lot of times that
she doesn't answer, which is OK. It it's a weekend, you know,
I'll be all right. I'm just more worried about
their safety. So that's been rough.
And actually in this in this ruling that I just got, I do get
a phone call on Saturdays when they're when they're with mom.
So I'm super excited about that to have that.
Yeah, to have that ordered so that I don't miss out all that
time. But that's.
Really necessary for your situation too.
It yeah, it absolutely is. But you know, that's the other
thing, like you can't be petty on on your side either, right?
Just because they're being petty.
So I, I keep it super short. Hey, how you guys doing?
Hey, we're going to, you know, we're going to eat or we're
eating or something like that. OK.
Hey, you know what? I, I love you very much.
You guys have fun with your mom and I just want you guys to know
that I'm thinking about you. That's it.
You know, I'm not going to cut into their time with her mom.
That's all that needs to be said.
She only gets, you know, four days a month, so.
So I have a question, we both experienced this and I have this
theory that bio moms if they have a little crazy in them
having a stepmom or girlfriend or whatever come into the
picture it really turns that up a notch.
How has it been since she had a girlfriend?
Which I don't think there's a threat as much when there's a
girlfriend and they really like jab at the girlfriend.
But when you become the fiance or the wife, it really moves the
needle on the crazy meter. Oh, yeah, yeah.
So I'll give you a perfect example of this.
No, it's, it's been absolutely hell for my fiance.
And I feel so bad for her because she didn't do anything
wrong. She just, you know, decided.
That she's Send her here. We'll take care of her.
Yeah, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm absolutely gonna send her to you
guys. But you know, she didn't do
anything wrong. She just loved me.
And she now is just getting completely drugged with the mud
for that, you know, all kinds of crazy accusations that my ex
wife's put against her. And she's a great person.
Like she, you know, she just salted the earth person and so
she doesn't deserve that. But here this is probably going
to blow your guys's mind. So my ex-wife and her
ex-husband, they have linked up and so, you know, they're like a
thing and a fling and you know, so and they're on and off again
because they both got their issues and that's a whole
disaster. But that's just the level of
obsession to still, you know, be around, I guess, or you know,
cause drama. They like there's millions of
people in this world and you guys are our two exes are going
to link up together. Like what?
Who's a? Real sickness.
Oh. My gosh, yeah.
I haven't heard that one yet. That's a new one.
Yeah. And so, and that brings issues
on itself because then, you know, her kids and my kids.
And I hate saying her kids and my kids.
But, you know, just for the sake of, you know, identifying, you
know, that would like with the mindset that they go through
with that they're seeing the other parents together on the
other side of the week. And it's just so sickening.
And I'm still trying to wrap my head around that part.
Yeah, it's super hard. And even like for stepmoms, it's
like you have no control over what happens in that other home.
And you know, it's just the hardest thing.
I know for like my husband, he almost has a 20 year old and so
he's been dealing with this for quite some time and he's
definitely like to the level of acceptance, like I just have to,
to do it as long as they're safe, you know, which it sounds
like in your situation you're not sure about that.
So a little bit different, you know, but he's like, it took me
18 years to get to this place. He's like, I was not like this
in the beginning. You know, I was fighting tooth
and nail all the time. Wanted to know everything
because those are, you know, my kids.
So how was it for your fiance when she first entered the
picture with the kids? You know, when did they meet for
the first time? What is a step mom's
relationship with your kids? Yeah, so their their
relationships, you know, I don't want to sound cliche, like, oh,
everything's just so great and, you know, everything, you know,
and a fairy tale. No, like there's been
challenges, right? Like, I mean, there's been a lot
of things that have transpired over the years.
So it's been a challenge to blend everything together.
And I've done some research on it and it takes about five years
for a blended family to yeah, to like, really become that
cohesive unit. And so there's definitely been
challenges. But her relationship with my
kids is, is phenomenal. And, and all she cares about is
their best interest and she gets drug through the mud at every
opportunity by my children's mother.
So in the beginning, you know, I was super hesitant to introduce
the kids to her because, you know, I mean, if you don't know
if somebody's going to stick around or be in their lives and
you know, you're introducing somebody new and the kids are
still adjusting from the divorce and all these things.
So it's been, it's been a challenge, but she's a freaking
rock star. She, you know, she handles it
with, with such grace. And yeah, you know, and, and
like I said, she's been drugged with mud just like you guys have
in, you know, your, your guys's listeners and, and viewers on
here. It's complete hell for for bonus
moms. It's like you guys are like
building #1 sometimes like not even dad, like you know, the
bonus moms, they're just, you know, they're complete scum of
the earth to these bio moms. And it blows my mind because a
vast majority of these bonus moms just trying to take care of
the children. 100% we're here to take care of the kids.
But then it's the whole typical thing of like, how dare you, how
dare you, how dare you get their hair cut like so that they look
cleaned up. How dare you, you know, tell
them to shower every night. That's not your right.
Well, you know, we're in puberty.
So like how dare you write a note in their lunches?
Well, I want them to have the same thing every week.
You know, they have that at your house.
Like it's just it's that whole what's it called?
It's like a double standard. Thank you.
So Randy, I wanted to talk to you real quick because I
obviously am obsessed with your page.
But you post a lot about kids being weaponized against you and
like bio mom using the kids and manipulating and alienating them
against you and how moms can brainwash kids because they have
that loyalty bind to mom. We talked about this a lot on
the inside in our membership. But what do you do to combat
that? I think all the stepmoms want to
know how are we in our house like and I don't think our
husbands know this answer else they'd be telling us what to do.
So what do you do to combat that so that when they come to your
house and then you have to transition them back into like
normalcy, What do you do to erase the brainwashing and the
damage that was done so they don't hate you because they're
told to? Right, right.
You know, and I don't, I don't try and erase it.
So what what I do is have to accept it.
It's not going to change, right? They're not going to quit
talking shit about you. They're not going to quit
dragging you through the mud. No matter what you do and how
mad you get or you know how many times you send an e-mail or a
text message or you have a conversation about it, it's not
going to change. Sure, document it, absolutely.
But just be that rock for your kids when they come back and
they say, you know, well, mom said this about you.
Mom said this is what's happening.
It's a tough place because you don't want to tell your kids
your moms a liar. We don't wanna say that either
because that's not good for him to hear.
So, and I'll give you an example of something that happened to
me. She violated the order of
protection that I have against her.
It's been 5 or 6 times been arrested in custody 3 times for
that and she tells the kids that your dad arrested me so and my
kids know I'm a police officer so and she knows exactly what
she's doing. So in their minds, I arrested
mom and that's tough for me because I didn't arrest mom.
Mom's actions got mom arrested. I had nothing to do with that.
And so you know, I just what I'll tell the kids is hey, I'm
sorry that mom is talking to you about these things.
I think you're a little bit too young to be hearing about adult
problems. What I want you to do is I want
you to just not even worry about that right now.
Don't even worry about the adult stuff.
You know, let's go, let's go play with Barbies or let's go
out and play catch or whatever and just kind of deflect the
just get the the topic off there and be that consistency in that
rock, that safe place. Because that's more important
than feeding into the narrative that they're trying to build
about you. Because when you just show that
you're consistent and you're loving consistently, like you
really don't have nothing to worry about because they're
going to see the truth the further this goes on.
How old are they, by the way? I think I I don't know if we
went over that. My daughter's five and my son's
7. OK.
Yeah. So it's still really, really
young ages to be going through all that.
And you know, you can't really even start to explain that at a
developmentally appropriate age with where they're at.
So I do have a question. Stepmoms, how are you coping
with transition day? I'll tell you how I am.
I'm lighting my big ass candles to calm my big ass anxieties and
honestly it changes the whole mood of the house.
Same chaos, just calmer vibes and way better energy.
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Because stepmom life comes with big ass feelings.
I know for a lot of stepmoms, they feel their husbands or
their fiance's or boyfriends don't understand what they're
going through, which, you know, you probably don't to an extent
because you're not us. But sometimes there's conflict
between the two. Maybe because stepmom says
something about a behavior that the step kid is demonstrating
and bio dad gets defensive. Or maybe stepmom says something
about the situation between dad and bio mom and and dad gets
defensive because these are his kids.
I'm sure he is dealing with some dad guilt.
So from your perspective, what does that kind of look like as
far as maybe a subconscious guilt that maybe bio dads go
through and how you feel when maybe your fiance or the people
that you're working with and coaching feel like defensive
about those things? Yeah.
Well, you know, first of all, it's, it's perfectly normal to,
you know, have that, that guilt of you failed your kids because
you got divorced or you have to compensate because you, your
kids are living in two households.
Sure, that's that's absolutely normal.
But you also got to take a look in the mirror and look at
yourself and, you know, get the help that you need, whether
that's counseling or, or what, you know, coaching or whatever
you need to get over these, these issues that you have going
on. But, you know, getting back to,
you know, offending your kids, you know, I've been there.
Absolutely. You know, you feel like your
kids are getting picked on or, you know, you know, you're like,
hey, wait a second. That's not fair.
And all that is, is it's in your own mind, you're trying to make
sure that you feel like you're the only protector that your
children have. And so you feel like you have to
speak out. But in reality, it's just you
fighting yourself. They're not picking on your kid.
They're trying to make your kid better and you're preventing
that by interfering and you know, thinking that you're being
protective, but you're really just hurting the kids.
And so how you got to get over that is you got to get
counseling, you got to get coaching, you got to look in the
mirror and say, OK, I love this person, right bonus mom, I love
bonus mom. Why would she be unfair to my
kids? But why would that happen?
And I'm I guarantee you 9 times out of 10 that's not the case.
Their hearts genuine. So, you know, you just got to
look at the mirror and say, OK, I'm probably being a little bit
too overprotective here, but it's perfectly normal.
Do you have any tips for stepmoms?
Also, you say bonus mom so much and I've never been like a huge
fan of that time for whatever reason, but it sounds so
endearing coming from a dad so I might change my mind on that.
Becca, it doesn't do it either. I agree.
I was. I was listening to that too,
yeah. It sounds like positive and not.
I feel like with bonus mom it comes with a lot of duties.
Why do I feel like that? I think it's a step mom.
It's like a bonus. I don't know.
You know here here's my take on it.
So a step is something that you step on a bonus.
Mom is somebody there that's, you know, there to also give
your kids extra left? That's how I look at it.
You know I hate the term stepmom because I think of a step I hate
that walked. All over if we call ourselves
bonus mom so and a lot of people maybe they don't want to hear
this but I do want to know and I do a lot of members ask the same
thing in our membership of like how how can we help our husbands
like how can we support them. I know that like, this is a lot
heavier for us, unfortunately, because we love these kids too.
But then we're dragged through the mud by someone we would have
never met, that should have never affected our life and our
finances and our home and our health.
But like, at the end of the day, we're only as happy as like our
homes. We also want our spouse to be
happy. What can we do to help them in
this matter and and like all of this?
Well, you know, the the first thing is you guys got to take
care of yourselves too, you know?
Absolutely, you need to support your spouse when they're going
through this, right? It's because it because it's
probably not probably it's going to be the worst thing that they
ever go through in their life. And most people that go through
a high conflict divorce will tell you that that is absolutely
true and it changes your life. But you guys have such a unique
role and you get so focused on what's going on and how can I
support him, which is absolutely great.
But I think a lot of, you know, I'll say stepmoms for you guys
or bonus moms. They, they get, they want to
help so bad, but they end up not being happy themselves because
they're so focused on being the support for, you know, for their
husband. And you guys got to take care of
yourself 1st and be happy because that's ultimately what
we want. We want a happy life at home.
We can't have that if you guys aren't taking care of yourself.
But like, you know, the main thing is is, you know, just
being there and just listening, just having somebody to listen
to you is is huge and someone to bounce ideas off of someone to
say, hey, do you think this is a good idea?
Should I send this message? Should I send this e-mail?
How should I respond to this? Just having that person there to
walk with is absolutely hands down like the biggest thing you
can do. Even if you're not fixing
things, just being there listening is, is huge, you know,
and, and the other thing is, is don't create more chaos in the
situation because there's already enough chaos.
Sure, have your feelings right? Absolutely.
But try not to add to the chaos already going on because there's
so much they're going through the worst time of their life if
they're just getting into into a situation like this.
But that would be my advice. The main thing is you guys got
to take care of yourselves because we want you guys happy.
If you guys aren't happy, that's adding chaos and then in turn we
can't be happy. Yeah, there's a way to for
stepmoms to not add chaos, right?
Like we talked, we, I think, yeah, we have a guide on this
and it's about how to retreat or to like remove yourself from
situation and it's to help ourselves.
So it helps both of those kind of both of those elements under
the umbrella of like how to help our spouse of if we need to step
away. Like if we're over stimulated by
like I get when the kids come back, then we have 4 together
and it's a lot between ages 1 and 10 and it's loud, it's
chaotic and they're usually dysregulated.
And so they're a little extra disrespectful extra like they
don't say hi all the time now because they're told not to.
And so, you know, if it's like too much for me and it's really
irking me and I know I'm going to lose my mind.
I just like walk out and I tell my husband I need a minute and
he knows, he knows exactly where I'm going about how long I would
be gone. And I come back a better person
for it. But I'm helping myself and I'm
helping the situation. I'm helping my husband just
yeah, I can't believe you touched on those two things
because of course, yeah, it's been helpful in both of our
households. Yeah, no.
And I'm glad that's that's actually a really good point you
bring up about when the kids come back and there's, you know,
you said you had four and you know, we have 5.
And, you know, it's absolutely chaotic because they're, you
know, they've been in different houses and they've heard all
these things. And some of them are being told
not to listen to you. And so, yeah, it's a lot when
they come back, You know, I call it the safe parent tax, right?
So you, you're going to have to pay that tax when they come
back. And then they're going to need
time to, Oh my gosh, wind down and and just, you know, get
regulated. But being a parent in that
situation is hell. It sucks.
But you know, that that's what I call it, the safe parent tax
because you are that consistency.
You are that safe place. And so they're going to act out
when they come back home. You just got to give them that
time to regulate. But, you know, getting back to
your point there, Yeah, well, there's nothing wrong with, you
know, taking a few minutes and, you know, OK, I got to get out
of here because I am overstimulated like crazy right
now. I think people are afraid to
admit that like parents get overstimulated, stimulated, it's
OK, like it's gonna happen. Yeah, yeah, even with, I mean my
step kids and then even with my biological son, I get
oversimulated. I'm like, hey husband, I'm
tapping out, I need to go over there so I'm not someone I don't
wanna be. So yeah, I have no definitely.
If another dad was listening right now, what would you say to
them about navigating Co parenting or shared custody to
do it in a way that supports their relationship with stepmom
the best? You have to put your priorities
straight so you can sit there and focus 100% on your custody
battle or your divorce or what's going on with that, that that's
absolutely, you're right. But if you want to be in a, in a
relationship with this person, they got to be a priority.
You have to make them feel, you know, seen and you have to make
them feel loved. And they're not going to feel
that if you're so focused on your custody battle and divorce.
And so if that's where you're at and you can't give that person
that time and love that they need, then, you know, maybe you
don't need to be in a relationship at that point until
you get over that or you step back and you don't let things
completely consume you because this can absolutely over consume
you. And you will sit there and
ruminate and it's the only thing on your mind.
But you have to learn how to control that.
And you have to understand that your spouse needs that love and
support from you. Even though you're going through
a bad time too, you still have to give them what they need.
And so my my advice is do everything that you can.
With the case that you have going on, absolutely, but also
don't let it consume you. Take the time, heal.
You can only do what you can do, and at the end of the day, you
got to let it go. You know what, I talk back all
the time, let it go. It's like my motto in our house.
And not just because I have a three-year old Disney Princess
that lives here, but we are always saying let it go, let it
go. My mom even sings it to us.
She's like, remember, let it go. Like I hate that it's tied to
that stupid song, but like literally let it go.
It's like it goes to that let them theory.
If you read the book, that's so good too for step long.
So we got to get into that one. Becca.
I want to take the rest of our time that we have here for our
suite members and our Instagram followers that submitted some
questions for you, because of course, that was an endless
supply of questions and so we'll be limited.
I'm sorry, everyone. Maybe we can do AQ and A with
him at some point because I'm sure everyone wants to ask a dad
some questions. We we, we can do a follow up
Also, yes, we do it. We'll do a Part 2 where we're
not, so we're not crunched on time.
OK, well that sounds good too. And yeah, we could do all Q&A
because man, they all and I think it's healthy because
they're all wanting to support and help their husband and be
good for their kiddos. And so asking a bio dad these
questions is so healthy. One question let's see how do
you how do you suggest contacting the other household?
OK so she's asking if y'all use I'm guessing like a Co parenting
app to communicate or do you communicate?
Do you have stepmom communicate? I'm guessing your situation is
no, just like my situation. Yeah, I'm, I'm not a fan of
having, you know, stepmom or bonus mom communicate for you.
That's that's something that, you know, you need to handle as
as a man and take care of your business.
Those, you know, essentially those are your kids and you need
to be the one communicating and have full control of that
communication. Sure, bounce ideas off of off of
your partner. Absolutely, But you know you
need to be doing that yourself if you're the man you know.
But to answer your question, you know Co parenting apps, some of
them are great, some of them are bad.
I believe in just old fashioned e-mail.
You know it's documented. Yeah, old fashioned e-mail.
I love it. Old fashioned e-mail, you know,
it's documented, it takes time to type out so you can control
your emotions. So you know, I'm a fan of
e-mail, but there's nothing wrong with the Co parenting apps
that are out there. I I think that's a great way to
go to. I wouldn't text though, in a
high conflict situation. If you're texting or calling,
it's too instantaneous and you can really dig yourself in a
hole because you let those emotions get to you and you're,
you know, you type something out and you hit send and it's it's
too fast. e-mail takes a little bit more time, right?
And so, you know, that's what I suggest.
Also, one thing I do want to say on that is you don't have to
reply to everything. You don't have to give a reply
to everything. Yeah, I've learned that
recently. So yes.
This one might shock you, Randy. We were.
We've been to court a lot. We've been in mediation and she
was trying to get it so that we or my husband had to respond in
a certain amount of time. Like she was trying to get that
in the divorce decree. And we were like, we're dying on
this hill. That is not something that's
sustainable, which we're just going to get ourselves in jail
because we're going to be in contempt of court because we
can't do that. Who can do that?
Are you crazy? And her attorneys say, yeah,
push for this. Like, go to hell.
That's ridiculous that that's a terrible idea.
Yeah, no, I don't respond right away.
I take time, even if like I'm feeling good about what I'm
saying and I think it's right. Like I still take like 5
minutes, you know, I give a 5 minutes and then I'll respond
like, you know, later I'll respond.
But I'm not, I'm not doing instantaneous because I don't
want to speak out of emotion. That's a That's a really good
point because sometimes I think we just get so reactive, active
when a high conflict person is just picking at us, picking at
us, picking at us. And then it's like you almost
give them what they want by reacting like that.
So it's like you just have to take a deep breath.
There is another question from one of our stepmoms.
I think it's a good one. What would you do?
And maybe this is the case if a high conflict bio mom or maybe
even low conflict won't acknowledge that stepmom care to
talk to her, meet her or never really wanted to know her or
thank her for stepping up to this 100% time role.
So a lot of these full time stepmoms, which it kind of
sounds like your fiance mostly is a full time stepmom to your
children. You know, what would you do in
this situation or? Navigate it.
So just to clarify, so the question is she's the stepmoms
wanting acknowledgement from bio mom?
Yes, and the bio mom just won't even pay her any mind, you know,
won't acknowledge her, probably in public, won't talk to her
anything like that. I know we can't make anyone talk
to us. Yeah, I know that's what I want
to tell her. But but I think a lot of
stepmoms feel like, hey, I'm taking care of your kids and
you're still being so mean to me.
You know, how do stepmoms, I don't know, get over that or
navigate that with their partner?
Yeah, well, this might be blunt, but who cares if you get that
acknowledgement? I mean, at the end of the day,
what is what does that matter? They say, Hey, thank you for,
for, you know, what you're doing.
It's not going to make you feel any better because you're still
going to be like, they said that with a sarcastic tone.
They didn't mean it, you know, so you just got to get over
that. Like, who cares?
You know what I mean? Like you should be looking for,
for that acknowledgement from, you know, from dad that, you
know, that's what you should want that acknowledgement.
Hey, thank you so much for stepping up.
I, I really appreciate you, babe.
That's where you get your, your kudos and, and what really
matters. Who cares if bio mom
acknowledges you or not? Because I mean, even if they do
as a genuine, no, it's not going to be genuine.
You know, sure. I'm not saying that every, you
know, every bio mom out there is, is high conflict.
And actually by the numbers, a lot of them are not right.
But these high, these high conflict because these
situations are completely different.
But yeah, who cares in these situations?
Who cares what bio mom thinks? You're not going to get it.
Quit looking for it, put your energy somewhere else, and just
move on from that. If you need the acknowledgement,
you're probably going to be looking for it forever, and
you're probably never going. To get it.
True that, true that. I'm going to ask one more and
then because we've so many had an idea, let's have, we'll
submit a few of these questions to you and maybe you can send us
the answers for our stepmoms that are in the membership.
They can have a little bit more. Yeah, right now.
That'd be great. That's awesome.
Yeah, OK, so this one says what does he wish he had more of from
his partner or stepmom? What would he change about how
he navigated it with his partner, lessons learned,
mistakes made? What should every stepmom know
from the husband and Co parenting with a high conflict
by a mom perspective? That's a loaded question.
And we kind of touched on some of it too, on like what you need
more of from your partner. Yeah, you know, like regrets
that I have is, is completely being consumed by this, right?
And not and missing out on moments in our relationship and
not making that a priority, you know, and I own that like that's
that's, that's huge. And it's probably going to have
lasting effects for a while. And this is kind of going to be
our story. And what our story was, was
going me going through a high conflict, you know, custody
case. And I'm going to regret that
because I should have been putting that time into the new
relationship that we had at the time, but I just didn't have the
opportunity to do that. So that's a that's a struggle
that we've had. You know, other struggles are,
you know, when you guys touched on this and these are things
that that I've learned from is, you know, kind of defending my
children against her, right? Like, Hey, you don't say that,
you know, like stuff like that and just being silly about it.
And it's nothing crazy, but those are things that that I've
developed and, and skills that I've, I've went to counselling
for, you know, and learned how to be a better partner, be a
better father and through going through all this.
What was the other part of that question?
Thank you, Thank you. Well, thank you so much for
joining us today. Like I said, or you said rather,
I would love to do a part too, but you're about to be big time
with your own podcast, so hopefully you can make some time
with us before we enter this. Where can people find you and
find out more about you and your work?
Yeah, so I'm on, I'm on almost every social media platform.
So Facebook, Instagram, Tiktok, I just started YouTube.
So we're doing long form stuff now and just doing more
educational stuff on there. And then we're going to in the
podcast should be coming up soon.
I'm waiting on my logo to come in right here.
And I want a new lens for the camera.
So I'm waiting for that. And then that should be should
be launched in here soon. But yeah, YouTube, Facebook,
Instagram, present, dashfather.com, you can find me
there, you know, and, and I appreciate you guys having me on
and doing this. And I would absolutely love to
do a Part 2. For sure the amount of people
that came in either saying that their husband loves you or that
they had a million questions for you it we're.
Excited I'm trying to build it I'm trying to build it up like
we have our other platforms takes time though and and I'm
just trying to reach more people right because I remember the
lonely feeling that I had in the beginning of this feeling like I
was the only person going through something like this and
so I don't. That's why I'm here.
Trying to reach those people. Yeah, I'm sure for bio dads it's
even more isolating because there's a million stepmom pages.
So we're doing good. Well, God's work.
Thank you for joining us today, Randy.
It was so insightful to have you here.
And we're going to do some type of Part 2.
We're not sure everyone. So stepmom, stay tuned.
Go follow him at present father on IG on YouTube, all those good
things. Bye.
Everyone for now. That's it for this week on
Stepmom Side Chats. We're Alyssa and Becca, your
stepmom besties. Before you go, if something we
said hit a little close to home, go ahead and hit Follow now so
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Keep giving yourself grace. You're doing better than you
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