1 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:05,080 This episode includes discussion of suicide and domestic 2 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:08,039 violence. These topics may be distressing 3 00:00:08,039 --> 00:00:10,800 for some listeners. Please take care while listening 4 00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:12,120 and feel free to. Pause. 5 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:15,840 Or skip this episode if needed. If you or someone you know is 6 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,480 struggling, you are not alone and support is available. 7 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:21,400 If you are in immediate danger, please call 911. 8 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,600 You deserve support and help is available. 9 00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:27,120 It's complete hell for, for bonus moms. 10 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:31,240 It's like you guys are like building #1 sometimes like not, 11 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:34,640 not even, not even dad, like, you know, the bonus moms, 12 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,840 they're just, you know, they're complete scum of the earth to, 13 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:41,040 to these bio moms. And it blows my mind because a 14 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:45,000 vast majority of these bonus moms are just trying to take 15 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:52,920 care of the children. Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom 16 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,600 side Chats. We are your hosts, Alyssa and 17 00:00:55,600 --> 00:00:58,960 Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. Who are done pretending 18 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:01,160 everything's perfect. This is where we talk 19 00:01:01,160 --> 00:01:05,319 boundaries, PO parenting, hard truths, healing, and the stuff 20 00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:08,120 nobody says out loud. If you're ready for real talk, 21 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:09,920 real growth, and a little bit of spice. 22 00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:11,120 Let's. Get into it. 23 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:15,880 Hello everyone. Welcome back to another episode 24 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:20,560 of Stepmom Side Chats. We are so happy you guys are 25 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:25,360 here today and Alyssa and I are just so excited about who is 26 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:29,400 here today. We have Randy Keith, he is known 27 00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:33,080 as present father. He is a fatherhood advocate and 28 00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:37,000 founder of the present Father movement, a community that's 29 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,520 helps dad stay present, break cycles and show up fully for 30 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,720 their kids even in the hardest seasons. 31 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:47,200 So to start, Randy, just tell us a little bit about who you are. 32 00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:50,800 Why you started your platform and content around parenting and 33 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,480 Co parenting? Yeah, yeah. 34 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,720 So first of all, I just want to say thank you guys for having me 35 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:56,320 on. I really appreciate it. 36 00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,920 So I'll just start from from the beginning. 37 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:01,160 We'll get we'll get right into it. 38 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:06,800 So well, let's see, it's been about 3 1/2 years now got 39 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,280 divorced, right. Like it's kind of, it's kind of 40 00:02:09,280 --> 00:02:11,039 why we're we're doing this podcast, right? 41 00:02:11,039 --> 00:02:13,240 We've kind of been there. Guilty. 42 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,640 So got divorced and I, and I didn't know anything about going 43 00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:21,920 through a divorce or, or going through a, you know, a custody 44 00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:23,960 battle or, or anything like this. 45 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:29,280 So my, my ex-wife, you know, I'm not here to bash her or anything 46 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:32,520 like that, but I, I just kind of, you know, I got to tell 47 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:35,520 facts so that, you know, that there's context. 48 00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:38,600 So we have two kids and she started drinking heavily. 49 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:41,640 So I don't know if you if you guys ever been lectured by 50 00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:45,520 somebody that is drunk or like super annoying super. 51 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:47,760 Annoying, yes, especially when you're not drunk. 52 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:51,000 Super annoying. Right, exactly. 53 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:55,400 So this was going on for months. And when I say drinking heavily, 54 00:02:55,400 --> 00:02:59,440 like I'm talking like a bottle of vodka at night, so super 55 00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,760 heavy. And she said she kept saying 56 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,680 like bringing up divorce and she'd bring it up, bring it up, 57 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:07,000 bring it up. Well, this got on for like 3 58 00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:10,080 months of me going to bed and I would get in bed and then she'd 59 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:13,720 start the drunk lecture. And I never wanted divorce. 60 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,360 I never. I wanted my kids to have to have 61 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:19,120 both parents just like pretty much everybody, right? 62 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:22,200 And so one night she's doing the lecturing thing and she says I 63 00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:25,640 think we should get divorced. And I said, I think that's a 64 00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:28,200 good idea. And so the next day I went and 65 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,960 filed for divorce. And since then, my whole life 66 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:34,040 completely changed. And, you know, it has been a 67 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,840 complete whirlwind of hell. You know, we had a domestic 68 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:40,440 violence incident where she said she was going to kill herself. 69 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:42,160 I don't know. Can I say that on here? 70 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:45,920 OK, All right. So she said she's going to kill 71 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,040 herself. She, she actually said, I'm 72 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,440 going to, I'm going to go blow my fucking brains out. 73 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:54,480 And she went to the gun safe that we have in the garage and 74 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,520 she was getting in the gun safe. She's putting the numbers in. 75 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,640 So I stepped in front of her and just, I just put my arms out 76 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:01,240 like an airplane. And I said, hey, like, calm 77 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,680 down. You know, like let's talk about 78 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:04,280 this. You know, obviously I don't want 79 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,000 the mother of my children to harm herself. 80 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,320 So she starts hitting me and stuff and I'm like, OK, I need 81 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:14,120 to call the police because this is escalating and I don't want 82 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,880 to get arrested. I don't want to go to jail for 83 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,600 domestic violence. And mind you, you know, I don't 84 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,279 even know if you guys know this or not, but I am a police 85 00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:24,240 officer. That's my, that's my, my real 86 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:27,480 job. No, I did not realize. 87 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,320 Yeah, yeah. So I have to call the Police 88 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:33,520 Department to my house, which is super embarrassing because you 89 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:36,560 know, like there's a police car, my driveway, so super 90 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:39,640 embarrassing. So they show up and you know, 91 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:41,760 she doesn't get in the gun safe. I keep her from doing that, but 92 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,480 she's hitting me the whole time. So they. 93 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:46,400 Anyways, I'm going to kind of keep it short here, but they end 94 00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:51,200 up taking her to the hospital for suicidal ideations because 95 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:52,240 of her trying to get into the gun. 96 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:55,640 And I don't want any, you know, favoritism because I'm a police 97 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:58,080 officer or anything like that. I just want to be treated like 98 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,080 her, a regular citizen. Just just do your guys job and 99 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:03,400 you know, I just want to be a regular citizen in this 100 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:06,200 situation. So while she's at the hospital, 101 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,040 she texts me and she says, hey, I'm I'm getting ready to get out 102 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,240 of here. Get ready. 103 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,240 And so I, you know, the kids are in the house at this time. 104 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,120 I'm with the kids. She's only been there like 2 105 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:17,080 hours. And I'm like, wait, like how are 106 00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:18,520 you? How are they releasing you? 107 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,720 Like I don't understand. Like you were literally just 108 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:22,880 trying to get into a gun safe and you said that you were going 109 00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:26,000 to, you know, kill yourself. So I called the hospital and I'm 110 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:29,840 like, hey, like, you know, you guys need to, I don't know 111 00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,640 what's going on. Like I know Hipaa's the thing 112 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:33,600 and you guys aren't going to give me any information. 113 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,240 I'm not looking for any information. 114 00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:36,880 I'm telling you, my wife's there. 115 00:05:36,880 --> 00:05:39,000 Her name's this. This is what happened. 116 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,080 She needs to be evaluated. She needs help. 117 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:44,360 Well, what happened is she had already, I could tell by the 118 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:48,600 nurse's tone that I had already been painted as, as the abuser 119 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:53,160 in, in the, in her mind. So, so it's like 4 in the 120 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:55,640 morning at this point. So I got to wake my kids up 121 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:59,320 because she's on her way back and I'm not going to have any 122 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,560 more yelling and screaming or anything like that in front of 123 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,640 the kids. So I go to my parents house, 124 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:08,520 which they have a super small house and it's not ideal for for 125 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,360 me and the kids to be there. So we get over to my parents 126 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:14,440 house and I'm trying to figure out, OK, what am I going to do? 127 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,080 Because she's not going to leave the house and she was just 128 00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,520 trying to get in the gun safe to kill herself. 129 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:22,480 I don't want her around the kids right now, you know, in the 130 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:25,440 mindset that she's in. So I end up, you know, she's 131 00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,160 texting me saying where you at? I said, Hey, listen, like I'm 132 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:32,280 not keeping the kids from you, but can you go somewhere else so 133 00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,560 that we can go home? Because I don't have anywhere to 134 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,440 go with the kids. I mean, she refuses. 135 00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:40,200 She she won't leave the house. And so I'm like, OK, well, what, 136 00:06:40,280 --> 00:06:44,280 what other resources are there to where I can get her help that 137 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:46,040 she needs? Because this whole time she's 138 00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:48,560 blowing out my phone. Like I'm talking like in 30 139 00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:51,520 minutes, like 97 text messages are coming through. 140 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,840 And it wasn't about the kids. It was about, you know, I can't 141 00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:56,720 believe you did that to me. Fuck you. 142 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,240 You're a piece of shit. Like, you know, just stuff like 143 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:02,320 that. So like, OK, she's let me back 144 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:05,480 up a little bit because I kind of jumped forward, but she's 145 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:07,920 she's bipolar. And when I say she's bipolar, 146 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:11,680 like I'm not just a ex-husband. Yeah, I was going to ask you, 147 00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:14,520 does she have a diagnosed like mental illness? 148 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:17,520 Because from what you're describing, it definitely sounds 149 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:21,040 like, you know, she does and and that's super hard in itself. 150 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:24,600 So I can't imagine like being the dad and the husband dealing 151 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:28,000 with that as well. Yeah, no, there's a diagnosis of 152 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:31,520 bipolar disorder and I'm not just like a, you know, a bitter 153 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:33,880 exits colon or exit. Oh, they got bipolar. 154 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:38,360 Don't like it's diagnosed. So I'm like, OK, she's, she's in 155 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:39,600 a manic episode. She needs help. 156 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:46,880 So I go get her involuntarily committed psychiatric facility 157 00:07:46,880 --> 00:07:49,600 have to fill out a petition and the judge has to approve it 158 00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:53,920 everything, which was super hard for me to do that because I 159 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:58,000 like, I, I know how those places can be sometimes and I didn't 160 00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:01,880 want to, you know, have her go to a place like that, but I, I 161 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,960 didn't know what to do. I was kind of at my, my, you 162 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,280 know, my wits in because she needed help and she was refusing 163 00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,600 to help herself. So I filled that out and then 164 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,120 the police wouldn't pick her up from the house and took her 165 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:14,400 there. Now, while she's in the 166 00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:17,120 psychiatric facility, she keeps contacting me, right? 167 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,720 And saying finally she says when I get out of here, the gloves 168 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:21,680 are off. Motherfucker. 169 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:23,600 I don't know how long they're going to keep her because she 170 00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,520 just got out of hospital in two hours. 171 00:08:26,520 --> 00:08:29,880 She was able to manipulate them. So I don't know when she's going 172 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,080 to get out of here. So I get that order of 173 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:35,440 protection against her and I get emergency custody at this time 174 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:37,080 while she's in the psychiatric facility. 175 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:39,240 And this happens over like about a week span. 176 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:43,200 And so you guys have any questions at this point before 177 00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:44,520 you want me to keep going with this? 178 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:46,520 Yeah. No, no, go ahead, Alyssa. 179 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:50,040 Real quick, did you have in any of this leading up to now? 180 00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,120 Did you have CPS coming to your house? 181 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:56,560 No, not yet, not yet. CPS was never involved until 182 00:08:56,560 --> 00:09:01,320 later that we got into the the custody battle and then CPS got 183 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,200 involved. I think we're quiet because 184 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,760 we're just like, taking it all in. 185 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:08,080 But also like he might be surprised that it's like, it 186 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,840 seem like nothing shocks us. It's so sad. 187 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:12,880 But yeah. We're no, no, I'm totally with 188 00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,800 you guys. All these high conflict bio 189 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,080 moms. It's so sad that this is, you 190 00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:20,120 know, not a, this is kind of a common thing. 191 00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:22,920 This is a little more extreme. So I'm super interested. 192 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:24,800 I'm very intrigued. But yeah, keep going. 193 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,520 Well, I had a question for you, Randy. 194 00:09:27,680 --> 00:09:32,360 Did you know when you got married if she had bipolar 195 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,720 disorder? Or is that something that kind 196 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,840 of manifested? Because I know I'm in the mental 197 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,880 health field myself, and so I know that sometimes that happens 198 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:46,400 as people age. So I'm just interested to know 199 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,200 if if you knew that before, if that's something that kind of 200 00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,320 happened in the middle of your marriage, if you mind. 201 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:54,840 Sherry. Yeah, no, So me and her, so we 202 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:59,720 were high school sweethearts. So we got married at 21 years 203 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,160 old. So we got married super early. 204 00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:04,480 So I didn't even really know what bipolar disorder was being 205 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,760 that young, you know, But there were signs. 206 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,920 Looking back now and knowing what I know, there were signs 207 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:11,960 that that probably, you know, she was having some manic 208 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,280 episodes that I just didn't know any better. 209 00:10:14,360 --> 00:10:19,760 So, yeah, I, I think she, I think it started like showing 210 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,240 when she was like in her early 20s probably. 211 00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,280 Wow. That's interesting that you 212 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,360 bring that up because I I have my kids in counselling now to 213 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,160 kind of recover from all this. Yeah, absolutely. 214 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:38,680 And he was telling me that, you know, bipolar disorder, usually, 215 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:42,360 usually people with bipolar disorder can manage until 216 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:45,920 they're about 29 years old. And then that's when things like 217 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:49,160 like really start to flare up, which is super interesting 218 00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:54,920 because that's exactly the age when things completely turned 219 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,240 180. So I found that quite 220 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:00,320 interesting that there's like an age and it just like fell right 221 00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,200 into that. Yeah, no, that must have been 222 00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:07,520 super hard for you as a husband because I'm sure that you had 223 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,640 empathy for her, but now you have these children that you 224 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:14,280 have to think about first. And so yeah, that's that's 225 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:16,720 really difficult. Can you walk us through your 226 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:21,320 family dynamic now and what Co parenting looks right now for 227 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:24,680 you guys? So right now our family, you 228 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:28,880 know, we're a blended family. So I am engaged and we're 229 00:11:28,880 --> 00:11:35,680 getting married and May and so I'm super excited about that. 230 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:39,800 Very exciting, we love. Stepmoms yeah. 231 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:45,200 So the so we have 5 kids together in the blended family. 232 00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:50,280 Ages range from 16 and then our youngest is 6. 233 00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:53,240 So yeah, things are going pretty crazy. 234 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:55,360 Pretty crazy. If I have 5 kids and a blended 235 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,120 family. It's crazy, but it's it's 236 00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,480 awesome. I can't give you stepmoms enough 237 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:05,160 credit. Can I ask you something? 238 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:08,920 When was the last time you actually felt taken care of? 239 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,480 Not on a holiday, not when someone finally said thank you. 240 00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:15,000 Just in the normal, quiet parts of your day. 241 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,960 Because if you're anything like us, you're constantly pouring 242 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,800 into everyone else. Kids, schedules, emotions, all 243 00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,680 of it. And that's why we love Cozy 244 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:26,040 Earth. It's not just bedding or 245 00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,440 pajamas. It's about creating small 246 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:31,240 moments in your day where you get to exit detail, like your 247 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:34,840 mornings feeling a little softer or finally crawling into bed at 248 00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,280 night and thinking OK this feels good. 249 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:39,760 And the best part? You don't have to second guess 250 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,760 it. They offer a 100 night sleep 251 00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:46,920 trial and a 10 year warranty, so it's actually made to last, not 252 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:49,720 just feel nice for a week. So let this be a reminder, 253 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,080 especially as a stepmom to be cared for too. 254 00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,760 Cozy Earth helps turn your routines into small rituals of 255 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:59,320 softness, comfort and ease. Head to cozyearth.com and use 256 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:03,000 our code STEPMOM for 20% off. Let them know you heard about it 257 00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:07,120 from us on stepmom side shots because home starts with you. 258 00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,520 You guys are awesome. Awesome. 259 00:13:13,520 --> 00:13:15,240 The things that you guys go through, especially in high 260 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:18,600 conflict situations. You know, me and my fiance were 261 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,360 just talking last night and this is something I'll get into, but 262 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:24,720 I got my final custody ruling last night. 263 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,640 So we got that last night and you know, I just sat down with 264 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,120 my fiance and just thanked her for everything hanging in there 265 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,720 and and really be in my rock during this year. 266 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:37,480 So can you tell with us or share with us what does your custody 267 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:40,040 look like? Do you have like 100%? 268 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:45,600 You have 5050 right now? So I guess that's, I guess it's 269 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,880 like 70, thirty, 8020 somewhere in there. 270 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:53,880 And I, and I never wanted that. I wanted 5050. 271 00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:57,440 But right now I have them, you know, throughout the week and 272 00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,840 then she gets them every other weekend. 273 00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:04,080 She has the kids that that's her own doing. 274 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,480 And that's not something that I wanted to keep the kids from her 275 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,160 at all. In fact, when we, when we first 276 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:13,880 started this journey, I'll call it, I told her, you know, let's 277 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,880 just do 5050. And I offered her, you know, a 278 00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,840 pretty substantial amount of alimony and just just trying to 279 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,960 make sure that she was OK taking care of and the, you know, the 280 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,920 kids had both parents life. And she told me, oh, I'm going 281 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:29,200 to take you for every fucking thing that you have, you know, 282 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:30,840 so and then we went down that road. 283 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:36,560 So yeah, it's been. She's probably the idiot in this 284 00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:41,040 situation because she is showing her cards by sending you these 285 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:42,960 text messages. Because if I've learned 286 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:46,600 anything, what you type in a text message or e-mail will be 287 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,640 used against you in court. Yeah, absolutely. 288 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:53,400 Actually just did a whole YouTube video on text messages 289 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:58,680 and high conflict situations. Yeah, it's she has dug herself 290 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:03,320 in such a bad way that her own family is doesn't really want 291 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,640 anything to do with her like her parents. 292 00:15:05,680 --> 00:15:09,160 I take the kids on my time to go see her parents because she 293 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,640 can't get along with her parents. 294 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,600 And I want my kids to have a relationship with that side of 295 00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:15,280 the family. They need to know who they are 296 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:19,400 and, you know, not be erased. So it, it's just been a complete 297 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:23,760 nightmare getting to this point, you know, and that's kind of 298 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:26,880 where I started this from. I just started this talking to 299 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,120 my phone. I one day I dropped the kids off 300 00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:33,320 with her and she was in a super bad way, but I had 1/4 that I 301 00:15:33,320 --> 00:15:35,280 had to follow. And so I dropped her off. 302 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,440 I dropped the kids off and I'm driving home and like I'm super 303 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:41,480 emotional and I jump off my phone and I just start recording 304 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,840 my feelings. And I don't know what made me do 305 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:47,800 it, but I posted it and I mean, I got hundreds of messages from 306 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:50,240 that one video and that's how this all started. 307 00:15:50,280 --> 00:15:55,440 Well, and I think it's pretty evident by your following that 308 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:59,120 you are not the only dad going through this or that feels that 309 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:02,400 way. And I think it it takes a lot 310 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:06,200 for someone to go ahead and share that with everyone else. 311 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,320 So I really commend the work you're doing with that. 312 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,960 As far as you and her relationship, if you'll feel 313 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:15,360 comfortable sharing, Do you guys just not communicate at all 314 00:16:15,360 --> 00:16:17,480 about the kids? Is there any type of Co 315 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:20,320 parenting in this type of situation or is it more just 316 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,040 parallel parenting? You do what you want at your 317 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,800 house, and I do what I want at my house. 318 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:27,440 Yeah, it's pretty much parallel parenting. 319 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:31,920 I I have seriously tried and you know, like get jealous of the 320 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:35,320 videos that you see online of these Co parents and they're at 321 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,600 you know, baseball games together, basketball games, 322 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:41,000 they're at birthdays together and they're all getting along 323 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,720 and I envy that so much. I I want that so bad, but it's 324 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:48,320 never going to happen. I cannot Co parent with her 325 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:53,760 because everything that she does is to hurt me or she ends up 326 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,200 hurting the kids. So there's no Co parenting 327 00:16:56,200 --> 00:16:58,520 there. And people ask me, you know, 328 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:00,600 well, how do you Co parent? I don't. 329 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:05,040 There's no Co parenting in a high conflict situation because 330 00:17:05,119 --> 00:17:07,040 your words are always going to get twisted. 331 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:10,520 You're always going to be the villain and everything is going 332 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:14,520 to be for the wrong reasons. So I don't, I don't Co parent, 333 00:17:14,599 --> 00:17:17,960 you know, parallel parenting, shield parenting, same, same 334 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,640 thing. But yeah, that's, that's where 335 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,680 I'm at with it. And and that's what I'm telling 336 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,240 my clients as well. You can't Co parent with a high 337 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,480 conflict person. You just can't do it. 338 00:17:26,599 --> 00:17:29,800 Well, and so let me just say my husband completely resonates 339 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,720 with you. Everything that you post and 340 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:35,280 your Instagram is, I mean, he looks at that and then he sees 341 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,520 back at night and he's like, I should be doing this too. 342 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,200 And I'm like, OK, stick to your day job. 343 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:44,200 But no, I it's just like this stuff that you post is so real. 344 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,320 It's so raw. I'm wondering how you're not 345 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:50,120 scared because Becca and I are already like, you know, some, 346 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:55,240 most of the things we post are just other stepmoms realities. 347 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:59,400 And we're kind of in a lot of feelings are our own, but of 348 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:02,720 course we're scared because we have high conflict bio moms too. 349 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:06,400 And by high conflict, like I hate that some people say don't 350 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,840 use that term or it's not, you know, whatever. 351 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:16,600 But in my opinion, if a bio mom wants so badly to hurt bio dad 352 00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:20,640 or stepmom that she drags the kids through the mud and does 353 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:24,920 not care if they get pulled through weeds, rattlesnakes and 354 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,640 like all the things, then that's a high conflict bio mom. 355 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:31,000 Yeah, absolutely. You know, and you can't you 356 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,480 can't Co parent with that because you all it's going to 357 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,400 end up doing is hurting the kids. 358 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,000 You know, you have to keep it to emails, you have to keep it 359 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:42,320 documented. And it's so sad that you can't 360 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:45,960 just have a conversation with somebody and you guys know what 361 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,920 was said and then that's what happens. 362 00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,960 But when you're with, you know, just like you said, when you're 363 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,680 dealing with somebody who, you know, they want to hurt the kids 364 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:58,680 more than they love them or they want to hurt, you know, dad more 365 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:01,840 than they love the kids. You have to protect yourself and 366 00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:05,080 the kids at that point. I mean, there's just no two ways 367 00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,640 about it. There's there's no other way to 368 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,760 do it. Well, and I think the other 369 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,840 thing I don't know like where she's at in her mental health 370 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:16,720 journey too, but I'm sure that plays a significant factor in 371 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:21,120 y'all's parenting and her as a mother having to deal with that 372 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:24,160 on top of this situation. So I'm sure that's really 373 00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:28,000 difficult for you to see because although you probably you, 374 00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:29,880 you're obviously not in love with her. 375 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:34,080 You have probably, I would assume by you know, you're 376 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:37,240 posting things, you still have some type of level of this is my 377 00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,120 kids mother. And so I'm sure that's, you 378 00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:42,360 know, heartbreaking in itself for you. 379 00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:45,720 I did have a question though, How do you stay connected with 380 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:48,600 your kids when they when they are at that other home? 381 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,920 Do you get to talk to them? How does that work? 382 00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,920 Recently it's, it's gotten better, but they're only there 383 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,720 for a, a weekend, right? That's every other weekend. 384 00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:03,960 So I try not to interfere with that time because that, that is 385 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,160 her time and she's not getting very much time with them. 386 00:20:06,240 --> 00:20:09,640 So I try and be respectful of, of their time with their mom and 387 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:13,200 not be overbearing or, you know, interrupt with the guy going on. 388 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:16,600 I'll call on Saturday, I'll call and, you know, just check in 389 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,320 and, you know, tell the kids I love them, but I keep it super 390 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,880 short and, and be respectful at that time. 391 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:23,920 So. But she doesn't always answer 392 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,320 right. And there's a lot of times that 393 00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,680 she doesn't answer, which is OK. It it's a weekend, you know, 394 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,760 I'll be all right. I'm just more worried about 395 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,760 their safety. So that's been rough. 396 00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:38,240 And actually in this in this ruling that I just got, I do get 397 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,320 a phone call on Saturdays when they're when they're with mom. 398 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,720 So I'm super excited about that to have that. 399 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:47,360 Yeah, to have that ordered so that I don't miss out all that 400 00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:48,400 time. But that's. 401 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,960 Really necessary for your situation too. 402 00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,360 It yeah, it absolutely is. But you know, that's the other 403 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:57,760 thing, like you can't be petty on on your side either, right? 404 00:20:57,760 --> 00:20:58,840 Just because they're being petty. 405 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,120 So I, I keep it super short. Hey, how you guys doing? 406 00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,400 Hey, we're going to, you know, we're going to eat or we're 407 00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:06,160 eating or something like that. OK. 408 00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,440 Hey, you know what? I, I love you very much. 409 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:11,240 You guys have fun with your mom and I just want you guys to know 410 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:12,360 that I'm thinking about you. That's it. 411 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,640 You know, I'm not going to cut into their time with her mom. 412 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:15,880 That's all that needs to be said. 413 00:21:15,880 --> 00:21:18,320 She only gets, you know, four days a month, so. 414 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:24,800 So I have a question, we both experienced this and I have this 415 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:29,240 theory that bio moms if they have a little crazy in them 416 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:33,000 having a stepmom or girlfriend or whatever come into the 417 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,520 picture it really turns that up a notch. 418 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:39,080 How has it been since she had a girlfriend? 419 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,840 Which I don't think there's a threat as much when there's a 420 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,120 girlfriend and they really like jab at the girlfriend. 421 00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:48,960 But when you become the fiance or the wife, it really moves the 422 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:52,440 needle on the crazy meter. Oh, yeah, yeah. 423 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:54,640 So I'll give you a perfect example of this. 424 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:58,360 No, it's, it's been absolutely hell for my fiance. 425 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,480 And I feel so bad for her because she didn't do anything 426 00:22:02,480 --> 00:22:04,600 wrong. She just, you know, decided. 427 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:06,600 That she's Send her here. We'll take care of her. 428 00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:10,040 Yeah, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm absolutely gonna send her to you 429 00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:11,480 guys. But you know, she didn't do 430 00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:13,560 anything wrong. She just loved me. 431 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:17,640 And she now is just getting completely drugged with the mud 432 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:21,720 for that, you know, all kinds of crazy accusations that my ex 433 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:24,240 wife's put against her. And she's a great person. 434 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:27,440 Like she, you know, she just salted the earth person and so 435 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,360 she doesn't deserve that. But here this is probably going 436 00:22:30,360 --> 00:22:34,040 to blow your guys's mind. So my ex-wife and her 437 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:38,920 ex-husband, they have linked up and so, you know, they're like a 438 00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:42,960 thing and a fling and you know, so and they're on and off again 439 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,680 because they both got their issues and that's a whole 440 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:48,000 disaster. But that's just the level of 441 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:52,520 obsession to still, you know, be around, I guess, or you know, 442 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:55,240 cause drama. They like there's millions of 443 00:22:55,240 --> 00:22:58,480 people in this world and you guys are our two exes are going 444 00:22:58,480 --> 00:22:59,960 to link up together. Like what? 445 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:01,280 Who's a? Real sickness. 446 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,240 Oh. My gosh, yeah. 447 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:05,000 I haven't heard that one yet. That's a new one. 448 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,520 Yeah. And so, and that brings issues 449 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:11,600 on itself because then, you know, her kids and my kids. 450 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,040 And I hate saying her kids and my kids. 451 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:16,240 But, you know, just for the sake of, you know, identifying, you 452 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:20,280 know, that would like with the mindset that they go through 453 00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:24,560 with that they're seeing the other parents together on the 454 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,320 other side of the week. And it's just so sickening. 455 00:23:27,320 --> 00:23:30,200 And I'm still trying to wrap my head around that part. 456 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,760 Yeah, it's super hard. And even like for stepmoms, it's 457 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,960 like you have no control over what happens in that other home. 458 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:41,080 And you know, it's just the hardest thing. 459 00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:46,960 I know for like my husband, he almost has a 20 year old and so 460 00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:49,200 he's been dealing with this for quite some time and he's 461 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,880 definitely like to the level of acceptance, like I just have to, 462 00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:56,080 to do it as long as they're safe, you know, which it sounds 463 00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,920 like in your situation you're not sure about that. 464 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:02,120 So a little bit different, you know, but he's like, it took me 465 00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:05,040 18 years to get to this place. He's like, I was not like this 466 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:06,880 in the beginning. You know, I was fighting tooth 467 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,120 and nail all the time. Wanted to know everything 468 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:10,920 because those are, you know, my kids. 469 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:16,640 So how was it for your fiance when she first entered the 470 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:20,240 picture with the kids? You know, when did they meet for 471 00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,760 the first time? What is a step mom's 472 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,400 relationship with your kids? Yeah, so their their 473 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,360 relationships, you know, I don't want to sound cliche, like, oh, 474 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:31,360 everything's just so great and, you know, everything, you know, 475 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,640 and a fairy tale. No, like there's been 476 00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,800 challenges, right? Like, I mean, there's been a lot 477 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,840 of things that have transpired over the years. 478 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:42,720 So it's been a challenge to blend everything together. 479 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:46,080 And I've done some research on it and it takes about five years 480 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:50,640 for a blended family to yeah, to like, really become that 481 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,480 cohesive unit. And so there's definitely been 482 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:55,640 challenges. But her relationship with my 483 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:59,560 kids is, is phenomenal. And, and all she cares about is 484 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:03,920 their best interest and she gets drug through the mud at every 485 00:25:03,920 --> 00:25:06,000 opportunity by my children's mother. 486 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:10,520 So in the beginning, you know, I was super hesitant to introduce 487 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:14,240 the kids to her because, you know, I mean, if you don't know 488 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,120 if somebody's going to stick around or be in their lives and 489 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,080 you know, you're introducing somebody new and the kids are 490 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:24,320 still adjusting from the divorce and all these things. 491 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:28,600 So it's been, it's been a challenge, but she's a freaking 492 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:30,760 rock star. She, you know, she handles it 493 00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:35,600 with, with such grace. And yeah, you know, and, and 494 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,760 like I said, she's been drugged with mud just like you guys have 495 00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:42,280 in, you know, your, your guys's listeners and, and viewers on 496 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:44,400 here. It's complete hell for for bonus 497 00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:46,720 moms. It's like you guys are like 498 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:51,640 building #1 sometimes like not even dad, like you know, the 499 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,080 bonus moms, they're just, you know, they're complete scum of 500 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:58,800 the earth to these bio moms. And it blows my mind because a 501 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:03,080 vast majority of these bonus moms just trying to take care of 502 00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:06,280 the children. 100% we're here to take care of the kids. 503 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:10,760 But then it's the whole typical thing of like, how dare you, how 504 00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:15,000 dare you, how dare you get their hair cut like so that they look 505 00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,320 cleaned up. How dare you, you know, tell 506 00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:19,120 them to shower every night. That's not your right. 507 00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:20,880 Well, you know, we're in puberty. 508 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:24,440 So like how dare you write a note in their lunches? 509 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:26,480 Well, I want them to have the same thing every week. 510 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:27,760 You know, they have that at your house. 511 00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:32,040 Like it's just it's that whole what's it called? 512 00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:34,840 It's like a double standard. Thank you. 513 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:38,720 So Randy, I wanted to talk to you real quick because I 514 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:40,360 obviously am obsessed with your page. 515 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:45,120 But you post a lot about kids being weaponized against you and 516 00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:50,880 like bio mom using the kids and manipulating and alienating them 517 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:56,120 against you and how moms can brainwash kids because they have 518 00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:58,920 that loyalty bind to mom. We talked about this a lot on 519 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:02,480 the inside in our membership. But what do you do to combat 520 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:04,200 that? I think all the stepmoms want to 521 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:08,680 know how are we in our house like and I don't think our 522 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:11,480 husbands know this answer else they'd be telling us what to do. 523 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:15,400 So what do you do to combat that so that when they come to your 524 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,520 house and then you have to transition them back into like 525 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:22,400 normalcy, What do you do to erase the brainwashing and the 526 00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:25,480 damage that was done so they don't hate you because they're 527 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:27,000 told to? Right, right. 528 00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:30,240 You know, and I don't, I don't try and erase it. 529 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:34,200 So what what I do is have to accept it. 530 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:37,440 It's not going to change, right? They're not going to quit 531 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,680 talking shit about you. They're not going to quit 532 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,320 dragging you through the mud. No matter what you do and how 533 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:45,080 mad you get or you know how many times you send an e-mail or a 534 00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:47,840 text message or you have a conversation about it, it's not 535 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:51,040 going to change. Sure, document it, absolutely. 536 00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:54,760 But just be that rock for your kids when they come back and 537 00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:58,440 they say, you know, well, mom said this about you. 538 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:00,280 Mom said this is what's happening. 539 00:28:00,360 --> 00:28:05,800 It's a tough place because you don't want to tell your kids 540 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:09,520 your moms a liar. We don't wanna say that either 541 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,120 because that's not good for him to hear. 542 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:15,200 So, and I'll give you an example of something that happened to 543 00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,760 me. She violated the order of 544 00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:19,040 protection that I have against her. 545 00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:24,480 It's been 5 or 6 times been arrested in custody 3 times for 546 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:29,320 that and she tells the kids that your dad arrested me so and my 547 00:28:29,320 --> 00:28:32,000 kids know I'm a police officer so and she knows exactly what 548 00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:33,920 she's doing. So in their minds, I arrested 549 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:37,480 mom and that's tough for me because I didn't arrest mom. 550 00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:41,520 Mom's actions got mom arrested. I had nothing to do with that. 551 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,840 And so you know, I just what I'll tell the kids is hey, I'm 552 00:28:44,840 --> 00:28:46,920 sorry that mom is talking to you about these things. 553 00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:50,120 I think you're a little bit too young to be hearing about adult 554 00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:52,240 problems. What I want you to do is I want 555 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:54,200 you to just not even worry about that right now. 556 00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:55,960 Don't even worry about the adult stuff. 557 00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:59,080 You know, let's go, let's go play with Barbies or let's go 558 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,960 out and play catch or whatever and just kind of deflect the 559 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:05,360 just get the the topic off there and be that consistency in that 560 00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:08,040 rock, that safe place. Because that's more important 561 00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:10,960 than feeding into the narrative that they're trying to build 562 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,200 about you. Because when you just show that 563 00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:16,920 you're consistent and you're loving consistently, like you 564 00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:19,000 really don't have nothing to worry about because they're 565 00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:21,440 going to see the truth the further this goes on. 566 00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,480 How old are they, by the way? I think I I don't know if we 567 00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:26,720 went over that. My daughter's five and my son's 568 00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:27,360 7. OK. 569 00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:29,600 Yeah. So it's still really, really 570 00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:31,640 young ages to be going through all that. 571 00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:35,560 And you know, you can't really even start to explain that at a 572 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:38,480 developmentally appropriate age with where they're at. 573 00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:45,480 So I do have a question. Stepmoms, how are you coping 574 00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:48,000 with transition day? I'll tell you how I am. 575 00:29:48,200 --> 00:29:52,920 I'm lighting my big ass candles to calm my big ass anxieties and 576 00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:55,440 honestly it changes the whole mood of the house. 577 00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:59,160 Same chaos, just calmer vibes and way better energy. 578 00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:03,160 We're obsessed with big ass candles from big ass luxuries. 579 00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:07,480 Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. If you want to try one, use code 580 00:30:07,480 --> 00:30:09,640 stepmom at checkout for a discount. 581 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:13,960 That's code stepmom at checkout. Big ass candles. 582 00:30:14,280 --> 00:30:17,000 Because stepmom life comes with big ass feelings. 583 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:28,800 I know for a lot of stepmoms, they feel their husbands or 584 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:32,440 their fiance's or boyfriends don't understand what they're 585 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:35,520 going through, which, you know, you probably don't to an extent 586 00:30:35,520 --> 00:30:39,960 because you're not us. But sometimes there's conflict 587 00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:44,360 between the two. Maybe because stepmom says 588 00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:50,520 something about a behavior that the step kid is demonstrating 589 00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:55,000 and bio dad gets defensive. Or maybe stepmom says something 590 00:30:55,000 --> 00:31:00,920 about the situation between dad and bio mom and and dad gets 591 00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:03,000 defensive because these are his kids. 592 00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:06,200 I'm sure he is dealing with some dad guilt. 593 00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:11,600 So from your perspective, what does that kind of look like as 594 00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:16,120 far as maybe a subconscious guilt that maybe bio dads go 595 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:22,360 through and how you feel when maybe your fiance or the people 596 00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:26,480 that you're working with and coaching feel like defensive 597 00:31:26,480 --> 00:31:28,240 about those things? Yeah. 598 00:31:28,280 --> 00:31:31,680 Well, you know, first of all, it's, it's perfectly normal to, 599 00:31:31,840 --> 00:31:36,040 you know, have that, that guilt of you failed your kids because 600 00:31:36,040 --> 00:31:40,120 you got divorced or you have to compensate because you, your 601 00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:42,280 kids are living in two households. 602 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:44,400 Sure, that's that's absolutely normal. 603 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:46,920 But you also got to take a look in the mirror and look at 604 00:31:46,920 --> 00:31:49,840 yourself and, you know, get the help that you need, whether 605 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:52,640 that's counseling or, or what, you know, coaching or whatever 606 00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:56,000 you need to get over these, these issues that you have going 607 00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,800 on. But, you know, getting back to, 608 00:31:59,960 --> 00:32:02,760 you know, offending your kids, you know, I've been there. 609 00:32:02,760 --> 00:32:04,360 Absolutely. You know, you feel like your 610 00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:06,520 kids are getting picked on or, you know, you know, you're like, 611 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:08,480 hey, wait a second. That's not fair. 612 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:13,960 And all that is, is it's in your own mind, you're trying to make 613 00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:16,880 sure that you feel like you're the only protector that your 614 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:19,400 children have. And so you feel like you have to 615 00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:22,320 speak out. But in reality, it's just you 616 00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:25,200 fighting yourself. They're not picking on your kid. 617 00:32:25,400 --> 00:32:28,520 They're trying to make your kid better and you're preventing 618 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:31,760 that by interfering and you know, thinking that you're being 619 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,480 protective, but you're really just hurting the kids. 620 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:37,080 And so how you got to get over that is you got to get 621 00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:40,120 counseling, you got to get coaching, you got to look in the 622 00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:44,800 mirror and say, OK, I love this person, right bonus mom, I love 623 00:32:44,800 --> 00:32:48,880 bonus mom. Why would she be unfair to my 624 00:32:48,880 --> 00:32:51,440 kids? But why would that happen? 625 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,320 And I'm I guarantee you 9 times out of 10 that's not the case. 626 00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:57,360 Their hearts genuine. So, you know, you just got to 627 00:32:57,360 --> 00:32:59,560 look at the mirror and say, OK, I'm probably being a little bit 628 00:32:59,560 --> 00:33:02,840 too overprotective here, but it's perfectly normal. 629 00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,480 Do you have any tips for stepmoms? 630 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:09,160 Also, you say bonus mom so much and I've never been like a huge 631 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:12,480 fan of that time for whatever reason, but it sounds so 632 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:16,120 endearing coming from a dad so I might change my mind on that. 633 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:17,640 Becca, it doesn't do it either. I agree. 634 00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:19,880 I was. I was listening to that too, 635 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:22,120 yeah. It sounds like positive and not. 636 00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:25,080 I feel like with bonus mom it comes with a lot of duties. 637 00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:27,080 Why do I feel like that? I think it's a step mom. 638 00:33:27,240 --> 00:33:28,760 It's like a bonus. I don't know. 639 00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:30,920 You know here here's my take on it. 640 00:33:30,920 --> 00:33:34,200 So a step is something that you step on a bonus. 641 00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:38,040 Mom is somebody there that's, you know, there to also give 642 00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:39,800 your kids extra left? That's how I look at it. 643 00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:45,000 You know I hate the term stepmom because I think of a step I hate 644 00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:47,120 that walked. All over if we call ourselves 645 00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:50,480 bonus mom so and a lot of people maybe they don't want to hear 646 00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:54,280 this but I do want to know and I do a lot of members ask the same 647 00:33:54,280 --> 00:33:59,280 thing in our membership of like how how can we help our husbands 648 00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:03,000 like how can we support them. I know that like, this is a lot 649 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:07,320 heavier for us, unfortunately, because we love these kids too. 650 00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:10,000 But then we're dragged through the mud by someone we would have 651 00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:12,280 never met, that should have never affected our life and our 652 00:34:12,280 --> 00:34:13,960 finances and our home and our health. 653 00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:17,760 But like, at the end of the day, we're only as happy as like our 654 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:19,600 homes. We also want our spouse to be 655 00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:24,679 happy. What can we do to help them in 656 00:34:24,679 --> 00:34:27,800 this matter and and like all of this? 657 00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:32,199 Well, you know, the the first thing is you guys got to take 658 00:34:32,199 --> 00:34:33,600 care of yourselves too, you know? 659 00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:36,920 Absolutely, you need to support your spouse when they're going 660 00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:39,400 through this, right? It's because it because it's 661 00:34:39,400 --> 00:34:42,000 probably not probably it's going to be the worst thing that they 662 00:34:42,000 --> 00:34:44,600 ever go through in their life. And most people that go through 663 00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:47,320 a high conflict divorce will tell you that that is absolutely 664 00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:51,719 true and it changes your life. But you guys have such a unique 665 00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:55,560 role and you get so focused on what's going on and how can I 666 00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:58,320 support him, which is absolutely great. 667 00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:02,800 But I think a lot of, you know, I'll say stepmoms for you guys 668 00:35:02,960 --> 00:35:06,280 or bonus moms. They, they get, they want to 669 00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:10,680 help so bad, but they end up not being happy themselves because 670 00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:14,720 they're so focused on being the support for, you know, for their 671 00:35:14,720 --> 00:35:16,840 husband. And you guys got to take care of 672 00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:20,520 yourself 1st and be happy because that's ultimately what 673 00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:22,600 we want. We want a happy life at home. 674 00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:24,920 We can't have that if you guys aren't taking care of yourself. 675 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:28,440 But like, you know, the main thing is is, you know, just 676 00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:32,000 being there and just listening, just having somebody to listen 677 00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:36,520 to you is is huge and someone to bounce ideas off of someone to 678 00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:38,880 say, hey, do you think this is a good idea? 679 00:35:39,040 --> 00:35:41,640 Should I send this message? Should I send this e-mail? 680 00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:45,560 How should I respond to this? Just having that person there to 681 00:35:45,960 --> 00:35:50,640 walk with is absolutely hands down like the biggest thing you 682 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:52,600 can do. Even if you're not fixing 683 00:35:52,600 --> 00:35:56,880 things, just being there listening is, is huge, you know, 684 00:35:56,880 --> 00:36:00,360 and, and the other thing is, is don't create more chaos in the 685 00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:03,000 situation because there's already enough chaos. 686 00:36:03,160 --> 00:36:06,080 Sure, have your feelings right? Absolutely. 687 00:36:06,280 --> 00:36:10,200 But try not to add to the chaos already going on because there's 688 00:36:10,200 --> 00:36:13,200 so much they're going through the worst time of their life if 689 00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:15,720 they're just getting into into a situation like this. 690 00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:18,480 But that would be my advice. The main thing is you guys got 691 00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:21,040 to take care of yourselves because we want you guys happy. 692 00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:24,920 If you guys aren't happy, that's adding chaos and then in turn we 693 00:36:24,920 --> 00:36:28,520 can't be happy. Yeah, there's a way to for 694 00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:31,360 stepmoms to not add chaos, right? 695 00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:34,680 Like we talked, we, I think, yeah, we have a guide on this 696 00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:38,120 and it's about how to retreat or to like remove yourself from 697 00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:40,320 situation and it's to help ourselves. 698 00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:44,520 So it helps both of those kind of both of those elements under 699 00:36:44,520 --> 00:36:48,040 the umbrella of like how to help our spouse of if we need to step 700 00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:50,120 away. Like if we're over stimulated by 701 00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:54,120 like I get when the kids come back, then we have 4 together 702 00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:58,160 and it's a lot between ages 1 and 10 and it's loud, it's 703 00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:00,280 chaotic and they're usually dysregulated. 704 00:37:00,280 --> 00:37:04,040 And so they're a little extra disrespectful extra like they 705 00:37:04,040 --> 00:37:06,840 don't say hi all the time now because they're told not to. 706 00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:10,840 And so, you know, if it's like too much for me and it's really 707 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:13,320 irking me and I know I'm going to lose my mind. 708 00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:16,120 I just like walk out and I tell my husband I need a minute and 709 00:37:16,120 --> 00:37:18,720 he knows, he knows exactly where I'm going about how long I would 710 00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:21,040 be gone. And I come back a better person 711 00:37:21,040 --> 00:37:23,160 for it. But I'm helping myself and I'm 712 00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:26,600 helping the situation. I'm helping my husband just 713 00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:28,800 yeah, I can't believe you touched on those two things 714 00:37:28,800 --> 00:37:32,160 because of course, yeah, it's been helpful in both of our 715 00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:33,440 households. Yeah, no. 716 00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:35,800 And I'm glad that's that's actually a really good point you 717 00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:38,480 bring up about when the kids come back and there's, you know, 718 00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:41,440 you said you had four and you know, we have 5. 719 00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:45,160 And, you know, it's absolutely chaotic because they're, you 720 00:37:45,160 --> 00:37:47,560 know, they've been in different houses and they've heard all 721 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:49,760 these things. And some of them are being told 722 00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:53,040 not to listen to you. And so, yeah, it's a lot when 723 00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:56,280 they come back, You know, I call it the safe parent tax, right? 724 00:37:56,280 --> 00:37:58,600 So you, you're going to have to pay that tax when they come 725 00:37:58,600 --> 00:37:59,960 back. And then they're going to need 726 00:37:59,960 --> 00:38:04,080 time to, Oh my gosh, wind down and and just, you know, get 727 00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:06,760 regulated. But being a parent in that 728 00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:09,200 situation is hell. It sucks. 729 00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:12,480 But you know, that that's what I call it, the safe parent tax 730 00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:14,120 because you are that consistency. 731 00:38:14,120 --> 00:38:16,440 You are that safe place. And so they're going to act out 732 00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:18,400 when they come back home. You just got to give them that 733 00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:20,680 time to regulate. But, you know, getting back to 734 00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:23,120 your point there, Yeah, well, there's nothing wrong with, you 735 00:38:23,120 --> 00:38:26,000 know, taking a few minutes and, you know, OK, I got to get out 736 00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:29,680 of here because I am overstimulated like crazy right 737 00:38:29,680 --> 00:38:31,440 now. I think people are afraid to 738 00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:34,600 admit that like parents get overstimulated, stimulated, it's 739 00:38:34,600 --> 00:38:38,840 OK, like it's gonna happen. Yeah, yeah, even with, I mean my 740 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:42,720 step kids and then even with my biological son, I get 741 00:38:42,720 --> 00:38:45,080 oversimulated. I'm like, hey husband, I'm 742 00:38:45,080 --> 00:38:49,280 tapping out, I need to go over there so I'm not someone I don't 743 00:38:49,280 --> 00:38:52,640 wanna be. So yeah, I have no definitely. 744 00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:57,080 If another dad was listening right now, what would you say to 745 00:38:57,080 --> 00:39:01,720 them about navigating Co parenting or shared custody to 746 00:39:01,720 --> 00:39:06,760 do it in a way that supports their relationship with stepmom 747 00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:09,840 the best? You have to put your priorities 748 00:39:09,840 --> 00:39:17,600 straight so you can sit there and focus 100% on your custody 749 00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:22,560 battle or your divorce or what's going on with that, that that's 750 00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:25,360 absolutely, you're right. But if you want to be in a, in a 751 00:39:25,360 --> 00:39:29,600 relationship with this person, they got to be a priority. 752 00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:32,400 You have to make them feel, you know, seen and you have to make 753 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:34,640 them feel loved. And they're not going to feel 754 00:39:34,640 --> 00:39:38,080 that if you're so focused on your custody battle and divorce. 755 00:39:38,240 --> 00:39:42,880 And so if that's where you're at and you can't give that person 756 00:39:43,040 --> 00:39:47,000 that time and love that they need, then, you know, maybe you 757 00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:49,160 don't need to be in a relationship at that point until 758 00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:52,640 you get over that or you step back and you don't let things 759 00:39:52,720 --> 00:39:56,560 completely consume you because this can absolutely over consume 760 00:39:56,560 --> 00:39:57,760 you. And you will sit there and 761 00:39:57,760 --> 00:40:00,520 ruminate and it's the only thing on your mind. 762 00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:02,400 But you have to learn how to control that. 763 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:06,560 And you have to understand that your spouse needs that love and 764 00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:08,760 support from you. Even though you're going through 765 00:40:08,760 --> 00:40:11,400 a bad time too, you still have to give them what they need. 766 00:40:11,640 --> 00:40:15,840 And so my my advice is do everything that you can. 767 00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:19,600 With the case that you have going on, absolutely, but also 768 00:40:19,600 --> 00:40:22,560 don't let it consume you. Take the time, heal. 769 00:40:22,720 --> 00:40:25,680 You can only do what you can do, and at the end of the day, you 770 00:40:25,680 --> 00:40:27,600 got to let it go. You know what, I talk back all 771 00:40:27,600 --> 00:40:29,760 the time, let it go. It's like my motto in our house. 772 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:32,200 And not just because I have a three-year old Disney Princess 773 00:40:32,200 --> 00:40:35,880 that lives here, but we are always saying let it go, let it 774 00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:38,320 go. My mom even sings it to us. 775 00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:42,200 She's like, remember, let it go. Like I hate that it's tied to 776 00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:45,080 that stupid song, but like literally let it go. 777 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:47,360 It's like it goes to that let them theory. 778 00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:49,840 If you read the book, that's so good too for step long. 779 00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:51,120 So we got to get into that one. Becca. 780 00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:55,280 I want to take the rest of our time that we have here for our 781 00:40:55,280 --> 00:40:58,480 suite members and our Instagram followers that submitted some 782 00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:01,200 questions for you, because of course, that was an endless 783 00:41:01,200 --> 00:41:04,600 supply of questions and so we'll be limited. 784 00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:07,560 I'm sorry, everyone. Maybe we can do AQ and A with 785 00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:10,080 him at some point because I'm sure everyone wants to ask a dad 786 00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:13,680 some questions. We we, we can do a follow up 787 00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:18,880 Also, yes, we do it. We'll do a Part 2 where we're 788 00:41:18,880 --> 00:41:20,520 not, so we're not crunched on time. 789 00:41:20,720 --> 00:41:24,800 OK, well that sounds good too. And yeah, we could do all Q&A 790 00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:27,720 because man, they all and I think it's healthy because 791 00:41:27,720 --> 00:41:30,240 they're all wanting to support and help their husband and be 792 00:41:30,240 --> 00:41:33,280 good for their kiddos. And so asking a bio dad these 793 00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:39,400 questions is so healthy. One question let's see how do 794 00:41:39,400 --> 00:41:43,720 you how do you suggest contacting the other household? 795 00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:49,040 OK so she's asking if y'all use I'm guessing like a Co parenting 796 00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:51,760 app to communicate or do you communicate? 797 00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:55,000 Do you have stepmom communicate? I'm guessing your situation is 798 00:41:55,000 --> 00:41:59,760 no, just like my situation. Yeah, I'm, I'm not a fan of 799 00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:03,640 having, you know, stepmom or bonus mom communicate for you. 800 00:42:03,680 --> 00:42:07,400 That's that's something that, you know, you need to handle as 801 00:42:07,520 --> 00:42:09,560 as a man and take care of your business. 802 00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:12,600 Those, you know, essentially those are your kids and you need 803 00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:16,360 to be the one communicating and have full control of that 804 00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:19,160 communication. Sure, bounce ideas off of off of 805 00:42:19,160 --> 00:42:22,240 your partner. Absolutely, But you know you 806 00:42:22,240 --> 00:42:24,360 need to be doing that yourself if you're the man you know. 807 00:42:24,360 --> 00:42:28,840 But to answer your question, you know Co parenting apps, some of 808 00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:30,520 them are great, some of them are bad. 809 00:42:30,520 --> 00:42:32,880 I believe in just old fashioned e-mail. 810 00:42:33,600 --> 00:42:36,920 You know it's documented. Yeah, old fashioned e-mail. 811 00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:39,480 I love it. Old fashioned e-mail, you know, 812 00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:43,400 it's documented, it takes time to type out so you can control 813 00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:45,960 your emotions. So you know, I'm a fan of 814 00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:48,200 e-mail, but there's nothing wrong with the Co parenting apps 815 00:42:48,200 --> 00:42:50,160 that are out there. I I think that's a great way to 816 00:42:50,160 --> 00:42:52,160 go to. I wouldn't text though, in a 817 00:42:52,160 --> 00:42:55,560 high conflict situation. If you're texting or calling, 818 00:42:55,560 --> 00:42:58,680 it's too instantaneous and you can really dig yourself in a 819 00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:02,040 hole because you let those emotions get to you and you're, 820 00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:04,280 you know, you type something out and you hit send and it's it's 821 00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:06,520 too fast. e-mail takes a little bit more time, right? 822 00:43:06,760 --> 00:43:09,520 And so, you know, that's what I suggest. 823 00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:12,520 Also, one thing I do want to say on that is you don't have to 824 00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:15,200 reply to everything. You don't have to give a reply 825 00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:17,920 to everything. Yeah, I've learned that 826 00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:19,880 recently. So yes. 827 00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:23,000 This one might shock you, Randy. We were. 828 00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:26,720 We've been to court a lot. We've been in mediation and she 829 00:43:26,720 --> 00:43:32,200 was trying to get it so that we or my husband had to respond in 830 00:43:32,200 --> 00:43:34,960 a certain amount of time. Like she was trying to get that 831 00:43:34,960 --> 00:43:38,200 in the divorce decree. And we were like, we're dying on 832 00:43:38,200 --> 00:43:39,880 this hill. That is not something that's 833 00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:43,000 sustainable, which we're just going to get ourselves in jail 834 00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:45,520 because we're going to be in contempt of court because we 835 00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:47,160 can't do that. Who can do that? 836 00:43:48,120 --> 00:43:50,160 Are you crazy? And her attorneys say, yeah, 837 00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:52,600 push for this. Like, go to hell. 838 00:43:54,160 --> 00:43:56,520 That's ridiculous that that's a terrible idea. 839 00:43:57,840 --> 00:43:59,760 Yeah, no, I don't respond right away. 840 00:43:59,760 --> 00:44:02,560 I take time, even if like I'm feeling good about what I'm 841 00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:05,600 saying and I think it's right. Like I still take like 5 842 00:44:05,600 --> 00:44:08,280 minutes, you know, I give a 5 minutes and then I'll respond 843 00:44:08,280 --> 00:44:09,520 like, you know, later I'll respond. 844 00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:11,600 But I'm not, I'm not doing instantaneous because I don't 845 00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:14,720 want to speak out of emotion. That's a That's a really good 846 00:44:14,720 --> 00:44:18,640 point because sometimes I think we just get so reactive, active 847 00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:23,880 when a high conflict person is just picking at us, picking at 848 00:44:23,880 --> 00:44:26,200 us, picking at us. And then it's like you almost 849 00:44:26,200 --> 00:44:28,920 give them what they want by reacting like that. 850 00:44:28,920 --> 00:44:31,160 So it's like you just have to take a deep breath. 851 00:44:31,880 --> 00:44:35,400 There is another question from one of our stepmoms. 852 00:44:35,400 --> 00:44:38,480 I think it's a good one. What would you do? 853 00:44:38,520 --> 00:44:43,280 And maybe this is the case if a high conflict bio mom or maybe 854 00:44:43,280 --> 00:44:47,600 even low conflict won't acknowledge that stepmom care to 855 00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:52,640 talk to her, meet her or never really wanted to know her or 856 00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:56,680 thank her for stepping up to this 100% time role. 857 00:44:56,680 --> 00:45:00,080 So a lot of these full time stepmoms, which it kind of 858 00:45:00,080 --> 00:45:02,720 sounds like your fiance mostly is a full time stepmom to your 859 00:45:02,720 --> 00:45:05,120 children. You know, what would you do in 860 00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:07,880 this situation or? Navigate it. 861 00:45:08,040 --> 00:45:12,360 So just to clarify, so the question is she's the stepmoms 862 00:45:12,360 --> 00:45:14,800 wanting acknowledgement from bio mom? 863 00:45:14,800 --> 00:45:19,320 Yes, and the bio mom just won't even pay her any mind, you know, 864 00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:24,560 won't acknowledge her, probably in public, won't talk to her 865 00:45:25,320 --> 00:45:27,640 anything like that. I know we can't make anyone talk 866 00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:29,440 to us. Yeah, I know that's what I want 867 00:45:29,440 --> 00:45:32,840 to tell her. But but I think a lot of 868 00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:37,240 stepmoms feel like, hey, I'm taking care of your kids and 869 00:45:37,240 --> 00:45:39,120 you're still being so mean to me. 870 00:45:39,640 --> 00:45:43,960 You know, how do stepmoms, I don't know, get over that or 871 00:45:44,280 --> 00:45:45,920 navigate that with their partner? 872 00:45:46,080 --> 00:45:49,120 Yeah, well, this might be blunt, but who cares if you get that 873 00:45:49,120 --> 00:45:50,760 acknowledgement? I mean, at the end of the day, 874 00:45:50,760 --> 00:45:53,480 what is what does that matter? They say, Hey, thank you for, 875 00:45:53,480 --> 00:45:54,760 for, you know, what you're doing. 876 00:45:55,200 --> 00:45:56,880 It's not going to make you feel any better because you're still 877 00:45:56,880 --> 00:45:59,480 going to be like, they said that with a sarcastic tone. 878 00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:02,160 They didn't mean it, you know, so you just got to get over 879 00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:03,360 that. Like, who cares? 880 00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:05,200 You know what I mean? Like you should be looking for, 881 00:46:05,360 --> 00:46:08,880 for that acknowledgement from, you know, from dad that, you 882 00:46:08,880 --> 00:46:10,480 know, that's what you should want that acknowledgement. 883 00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:11,840 Hey, thank you so much for stepping up. 884 00:46:12,360 --> 00:46:13,560 I, I really appreciate you, babe. 885 00:46:13,760 --> 00:46:17,160 That's where you get your, your kudos and, and what really 886 00:46:17,160 --> 00:46:18,960 matters. Who cares if bio mom 887 00:46:18,960 --> 00:46:21,480 acknowledges you or not? Because I mean, even if they do 888 00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:23,960 as a genuine, no, it's not going to be genuine. 889 00:46:24,880 --> 00:46:26,560 You know, sure. I'm not saying that every, you 890 00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:29,440 know, every bio mom out there is, is high conflict. 891 00:46:29,560 --> 00:46:32,960 And actually by the numbers, a lot of them are not right. 892 00:46:33,120 --> 00:46:35,800 But these high, these high conflict because these 893 00:46:35,800 --> 00:46:37,200 situations are completely different. 894 00:46:37,520 --> 00:46:39,360 But yeah, who cares in these situations? 895 00:46:39,360 --> 00:46:41,880 Who cares what bio mom thinks? You're not going to get it. 896 00:46:42,120 --> 00:46:45,560 Quit looking for it, put your energy somewhere else, and just 897 00:46:45,560 --> 00:46:47,920 move on from that. If you need the acknowledgement, 898 00:46:48,360 --> 00:46:50,040 you're probably going to be looking for it forever, and 899 00:46:50,040 --> 00:46:51,120 you're probably never going. To get it. 900 00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:53,880 True that, true that. I'm going to ask one more and 901 00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:57,080 then because we've so many had an idea, let's have, we'll 902 00:46:57,080 --> 00:46:59,960 submit a few of these questions to you and maybe you can send us 903 00:46:59,960 --> 00:47:02,520 the answers for our stepmoms that are in the membership. 904 00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:04,520 They can have a little bit more. Yeah, right now. 905 00:47:04,520 --> 00:47:06,560 That'd be great. That's awesome. 906 00:47:06,720 --> 00:47:11,520 Yeah, OK, so this one says what does he wish he had more of from 907 00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:14,480 his partner or stepmom? What would he change about how 908 00:47:14,480 --> 00:47:17,760 he navigated it with his partner, lessons learned, 909 00:47:17,760 --> 00:47:20,400 mistakes made? What should every stepmom know 910 00:47:20,400 --> 00:47:23,800 from the husband and Co parenting with a high conflict 911 00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:26,760 by a mom perspective? That's a loaded question. 912 00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:29,120 And we kind of touched on some of it too, on like what you need 913 00:47:29,120 --> 00:47:34,240 more of from your partner. Yeah, you know, like regrets 914 00:47:34,240 --> 00:47:38,920 that I have is, is completely being consumed by this, right? 915 00:47:38,920 --> 00:47:43,880 And not and missing out on moments in our relationship and 916 00:47:43,880 --> 00:47:47,200 not making that a priority, you know, and I own that like that's 917 00:47:47,320 --> 00:47:49,560 that's, that's huge. And it's probably going to have 918 00:47:49,560 --> 00:47:52,600 lasting effects for a while. And this is kind of going to be 919 00:47:52,600 --> 00:47:55,400 our story. And what our story was, was 920 00:47:55,400 --> 00:47:58,480 going me going through a high conflict, you know, custody 921 00:47:58,480 --> 00:48:00,280 case. And I'm going to regret that 922 00:48:00,520 --> 00:48:03,280 because I should have been putting that time into the new 923 00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:06,400 relationship that we had at the time, but I just didn't have the 924 00:48:06,400 --> 00:48:09,280 opportunity to do that. So that's a that's a struggle 925 00:48:09,280 --> 00:48:11,680 that we've had. You know, other struggles are, 926 00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:14,040 you know, when you guys touched on this and these are things 927 00:48:14,040 --> 00:48:18,840 that that I've learned from is, you know, kind of defending my 928 00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:22,280 children against her, right? Like, Hey, you don't say that, 929 00:48:22,480 --> 00:48:25,920 you know, like stuff like that and just being silly about it. 930 00:48:25,920 --> 00:48:28,320 And it's nothing crazy, but those are things that that I've 931 00:48:28,320 --> 00:48:31,960 developed and, and skills that I've, I've went to counselling 932 00:48:31,960 --> 00:48:36,360 for, you know, and learned how to be a better partner, be a 933 00:48:36,360 --> 00:48:39,080 better father and through going through all this. 934 00:48:39,120 --> 00:48:40,640 What was the other part of that question? 935 00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:45,800 Thank you, Thank you. Well, thank you so much for 936 00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:49,200 joining us today. Like I said, or you said rather, 937 00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:52,320 I would love to do a part too, but you're about to be big time 938 00:48:52,320 --> 00:48:54,440 with your own podcast, so hopefully you can make some time 939 00:48:54,440 --> 00:49:00,640 with us before we enter this. Where can people find you and 940 00:49:00,640 --> 00:49:02,000 find out more about you and your work? 941 00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:07,280 Yeah, so I'm on, I'm on almost every social media platform. 942 00:49:07,280 --> 00:49:09,880 So Facebook, Instagram, Tiktok, I just started YouTube. 943 00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:12,280 So we're doing long form stuff now and just doing more 944 00:49:12,280 --> 00:49:15,080 educational stuff on there. And then we're going to in the 945 00:49:15,080 --> 00:49:16,320 podcast should be coming up soon. 946 00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:17,920 I'm waiting on my logo to come in right here. 947 00:49:17,920 --> 00:49:19,480 And I want a new lens for the camera. 948 00:49:19,960 --> 00:49:22,560 So I'm waiting for that. And then that should be should 949 00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:25,760 be launched in here soon. But yeah, YouTube, Facebook, 950 00:49:25,760 --> 00:49:29,800 Instagram, present, dashfather.com, you can find me 951 00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:32,120 there, you know, and, and I appreciate you guys having me on 952 00:49:32,120 --> 00:49:34,400 and doing this. And I would absolutely love to 953 00:49:34,400 --> 00:49:37,000 do a Part 2. For sure the amount of people 954 00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:40,440 that came in either saying that their husband loves you or that 955 00:49:40,440 --> 00:49:42,760 they had a million questions for you it we're. 956 00:49:42,760 --> 00:49:45,040 Excited I'm trying to build it I'm trying to build it up like 957 00:49:45,040 --> 00:49:47,920 we have our other platforms takes time though and and I'm 958 00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:50,440 just trying to reach more people right because I remember the 959 00:49:50,440 --> 00:49:52,800 lonely feeling that I had in the beginning of this feeling like I 960 00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:55,400 was the only person going through something like this and 961 00:49:55,400 --> 00:49:56,760 so I don't. That's why I'm here. 962 00:49:56,840 --> 00:50:00,080 Trying to reach those people. Yeah, I'm sure for bio dads it's 963 00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:02,680 even more isolating because there's a million stepmom pages. 964 00:50:02,680 --> 00:50:05,240 So we're doing good. Well, God's work. 965 00:50:05,440 --> 00:50:07,680 Thank you for joining us today, Randy. 966 00:50:07,680 --> 00:50:10,680 It was so insightful to have you here. 967 00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:13,520 And we're going to do some type of Part 2. 968 00:50:13,520 --> 00:50:16,920 We're not sure everyone. So stepmom, stay tuned. 969 00:50:16,960 --> 00:50:22,280 Go follow him at present father on IG on YouTube, all those good 970 00:50:22,280 --> 00:50:23,320 things. Bye. 971 00:50:23,320 --> 00:50:26,080 Everyone for now. That's it for this week on 972 00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:29,000 Stepmom Side Chats. We're Alyssa and Becca, your 973 00:50:29,000 --> 00:50:32,280 stepmom besties. Before you go, if something we 974 00:50:32,280 --> 00:50:36,720 said hit a little close to home, go ahead and hit Follow now so 975 00:50:36,720 --> 00:50:39,840 you don't miss future episodes and share with another stepmom 976 00:50:39,840 --> 00:50:42,280 to help us grow. If you want to connect between 977 00:50:42,280 --> 00:50:45,920 episodes, follow us on Instagram at Stepmom Side Chats and send 978 00:50:45,920 --> 00:50:47,360 us what you want us to chat about next. 979 00:50:47,760 --> 00:50:49,920 Keep giving yourself grace. You're doing better than you 980 00:50:49,920 --> 00:50:51,800 think. We'll chat with you all soon.