1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,640 Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats. 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:11,280 We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. 3 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,720 Who are done pretending everything's perfect. 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,160 This is where we talk boundaries, Co parenting, hard 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,400 truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud. 6 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,040 If you're ready for real talk, real growth and a little. 7 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:29,440 Bit of spice, Let's get into it. Hello, hello, welcome back to 8 00:00:29,440 --> 00:00:31,840 another episode of Stepmom Side Chats. 9 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:38,120 Alyssa and I are so excited. We have been wanting to hear 10 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:42,960 someone's perspective on how parent alienation effects 11 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,960 everyone. So go ahead, Megan, tell us a 12 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:49,080 little bit about yourself and you know your experience with 13 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:51,880 it. Thanks for having me you guys. 14 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:57,760 So I am 42 I'm living in Orange County California and I was 15 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:03,200 alienated from my dad since I could remember maybe like 3 or 16 00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:06,480 4. The rage started from my mom in 17 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:10,560 the home and I thought it was normal for many decades and it 18 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:14,880 led to decades of not talking to my dad or having a relationship 19 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:18,080 with him or even the opportunity to have a relationship with him. 20 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:21,800 So I'm excited to be here and talk more about that and answer 21 00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:25,080 questions so. You got right into it. 22 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:31,560 I love that this is exactly, we are no bullshit duo here. 23 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:36,240 So I mean, it is what it is. We are seeing alienation. 24 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:39,240 We are also products. Some of us here are products of 25 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:44,280 alienation and we experience it daily with step kids. 26 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:48,880 And quite frankly, I want to say probably like it sounds like 90% 27 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:52,680 of our stepmom followers have complaints and a lot of our 28 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,360 members too about very similar situations. 29 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:58,600 So can you start from the beginning about your childhood, 30 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,120 your family, your parents, dynamic stuff like that? 31 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:06,000 Yeah, so I'm one of five. I'm the middle child, and we 32 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,720 were raised in Orange County, California, and a very 33 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,560 prestigious upbringing. And my dad was a workaholic. 34 00:02:11,560 --> 00:02:15,080 So we actually had two homes, one by his hospital since he was 35 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:18,680 on call like seven days a week. And then a larger home in Laguna 36 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:22,920 Niguel, where all five of us were kind of under my mom's care 37 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:26,800 a lot. And I just remember seeing the 38 00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:30,560 rage and anger from her, like, like I said, early on when he 39 00:02:30,560 --> 00:02:33,360 was working a lot. But I feel like it's a woman, 40 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:37,040 when you marry a doctor or an attorney or anything like that, 41 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:39,480 you kind of know that they're not going to be around the house 42 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:41,760 a lot. But she almost used that as a 43 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:46,960 manipulation to become a victim of some sort as early as I can 44 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,840 remember. So a lot of rage from her all 45 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:51,960 the time, a lot of walking on egg shells. 46 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:55,840 And I just remember the deep desire to always be closer to my 47 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:59,480 dad or, you know, to go up to the other house near the 48 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,640 hospital and spend more time there to always felt safer. 49 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:08,280 But my mom is a narcissist. Very manipulating, very 50 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:10,600 convincing. These women are just so 51 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,920 convincing. And I get a lot of comments on 52 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:14,800 my Instagram. Go ahead. 53 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:16,960 Did you want to say something? Oh no, I was just going to say 54 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,920 it is. It's actually scary when you 55 00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:20,760 live it. Like they're so convincing that 56 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,120 it's scary. And so, of course, the kids 57 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:25,960 don't stand a chance. But I think on the other side of 58 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,560 that, the flip side of that, it's like, you know, when you 59 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:32,520 have a child and that baby, like that's the the person they were, 60 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:35,600 you know, grew inside of. So what other choice would they 61 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,800 have but to believe them and, and, you know, being molded by 62 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,360 everything they say. So it's like really scary, but 63 00:03:42,360 --> 00:03:45,160 it's like, well, that's all they know, you know, I don't know. 64 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:48,560 Yeah, and I get a lot of comments on some of the reels I 65 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,040 make on Instagram. Like, how? 66 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:53,280 Why did you believe her? Like, you know, isn't it obvious 67 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,600 that your dad's a nice guy? You really don't because when 68 00:03:55,600 --> 00:04:00,080 you're so young and brainwashed from such an early age, that is 69 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:02,480 your belief moving forward. You know what happens with 70 00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,880 everything? Like some religions, whatever 71 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:07,080 your mom says is kind of like, wow. 72 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:11,080 So I, I feel like we were all brainwashed to kind of side with 73 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,720 her and feel bad for her all the time. 74 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:17,680 You know, like it was just, I want to say, kind of like a 75 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,720 cult. I felt like we were all just 76 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,160 kind of trying to accommodate her at all times. 77 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,600 And if she wasn't happy, no one was. 78 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:27,160 I totally think those families fall into cult like status. 79 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,440 There's no other way they feel loyal and they it's beyond the 80 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:34,200 loyalty bind at that point. How long did you live with both 81 00:04:34,200 --> 00:04:36,560 parents before your parents divorced? 82 00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:40,360 Kind of walk us through that. Yeah, So we all stayed at the 83 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:44,560 larger home and I think I was around 7:00 when we they started 84 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:46,200 like their separation and their drama. 85 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:50,560 And that's when I noticed a lot of screaming, a lot of name 86 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:54,520 calling from my mom to my dad whenever he'd come home to like 87 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:57,080 check on the House or check on us or spend time with us. 88 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,760 I just remember her saying bastard like all the time 89 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:05,600 screaming that word, screaming at him for leaving, you know, 90 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:08,200 for an epidural or whatever he was doing. 91 00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:11,720 And I felt like that was normal. Everyone's like, don't you think 92 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,920 that that was weird? And I'm like no, cuz how you 93 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:15,920 were raised. It's just you think it's. 94 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,440 Normal. Yeah. 95 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:23,640 So, so it was about 7:00 or 8:00 and then they separated and from 96 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:27,320 there, I don't know if you guys have been through parents that 97 00:05:27,320 --> 00:05:30,280 divorce, but it's kind of blurry when you're that young, like 98 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,080 everything, you kind of start forgetting everything because 99 00:05:33,080 --> 00:05:34,760 your brains trying to save itself really. 100 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:38,160 So I just remember like separation, argument, divorce 101 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:41,920 happening really quickly, and then two very different homes, 102 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:46,640 you know, and my oldest brother ended up going with my dad and 103 00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:48,560 all four of us stayed with my mom. 104 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:52,600 Wait, how did y'all decide that? Like did you get to pick where 105 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:57,480 you went to go live or because you were young so they separated 106 00:05:57,480 --> 00:05:59,960 y'all the system did. Yeah, no. 107 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:03,360 So the oldest one got to choose because I think he was of age to 108 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,760 choose. And then four of us stayed with 109 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:09,640 my mom, but she was quite happy about because she received a 110 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:13,840 large sums of child support. And my mom is like all about 111 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:15,960 money. Any way she can get it, anyone 112 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:19,760 she can cross, she uses that, you know, syrupy sweet smile and 113 00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,160 all that to get money. But that's another story. 114 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,680 So she got child support for all four of us and lived very well, 115 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,520 but we were completely neglected. 116 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:32,160 My dad had no idea he was writing these checks, and we 117 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:34,560 weren't getting fed or clothed or anything. 118 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:38,760 So that's when I felt like I officially went into survival 119 00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:42,000 mode, you know, and just yearn for my dad. 120 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,120 But I wasn't allowed to say that, and that was a tough part. 121 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:47,800 Were you still seeing your dad at that point? 122 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:50,440 Was it 5050 once they got divorced? 123 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,440 Or did she kind of like alienate you away from even spending time 124 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:56,920 with him? It was every other weekend, but 125 00:06:56,920 --> 00:07:00,960 then it went to one weekend and then I just kind of fell off. 126 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:05,800 So it was just very fast. The more custody she got of us, 127 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:09,040 the less or the more money she got. 128 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:13,200 So that was her main focus. And even if we did, I know my 129 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:17,280 sister and my brother wanted to move with my dad and we weren't 130 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:18,640 allowed. It was just my older brother. 131 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:22,920 So yeah, that was rough, especially as you dip into like 132 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:26,360 11/12/13. And then eventually my dad got 133 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:30,120 remarried and that's where the stepmom comes in. 134 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:34,200 And then the real rage started from my mom, you know, the 135 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:38,680 jealousy, the name calling with her, the nasty, you know, the 136 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,560 the message machines we used to have in the kitchen or whatever. 137 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:46,960 Yeah, I just remember being at my dad's the last few times and 138 00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:51,880 hearing the answering machine go off and she'd be just screaming. 139 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,480 Oh my gosh, I still remember that. 140 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:59,080 Like you bastard, like F you for remarrying that bitch or 141 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:00,600 marrying that bitch, you know, all that stuff. 142 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:01,640 So. They seem to. 143 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,240 Have like 10. Yeah, there you go. 144 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:07,640 Yeah, exactly. And there seems to be something 145 00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:10,520 that triggers something within a bio mom. 146 00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:13,200 And we mentioned this before, but when they have a little bit 147 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:17,560 of crazy in them, when that ex-husband remarries, it just 148 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:21,200 rings it up a notch. You know, they really unleash 149 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:24,440 the crazy from within. And there's something about 150 00:08:24,440 --> 00:08:27,440 like, they want to have their cake and eat it too, or they 151 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,920 never thought the ex-husband would remarry. 152 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:34,080 And all of a sudden there's this, like, there's just this 153 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:38,440 like, force this, they can't, you know, control that's coming 154 00:08:38,440 --> 00:08:42,120 in and maybe taken over their spot or whatever it is. 155 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,200 And it's sick. It's a sick twisted like 156 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:48,680 jealousy issue honestly. Especially when there are 157 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:52,720 narcissists like those two combined, it's just like fire 158 00:08:52,720 --> 00:08:54,760 because they need all the attention. 159 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,680 They need like all of everything. 160 00:08:56,680 --> 00:09:01,400 So of course, at that age, so I didn't even know what narcissism 161 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:05,160 is or was, you know, back then. And I don't know, I was just 162 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,920 trying to figure everything out. But you can't at that age. 163 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:11,600 So you just, you know, accept what you're taught. 164 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:12,840 Really. Yeah. 165 00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,040 So it's like, what other choice do you have? 166 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:19,160 What age do you think that you started to, like, kind of 167 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,600 believe what your mom was saying? 168 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,960 Like, did you ever go through a period of time where you're 169 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:27,880 like, yeah, my dad is apos? Like, I do not want to be around 170 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:31,920 him because a lot of children who are alienated that, you 171 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:35,240 know, stepmoms we've talked to, like, they don't want to be with 172 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,720 dad anymore because they've been so brainwashed. 173 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,760 Did you ever go through a period of time like that or you always 174 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,760 had this deep yearning to be with him? 175 00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:46,920 I always kind of had a deep yearning because I felt like in 176 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:51,960 my gut I knew better. So yeah, I just always wanted 177 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,840 that relationship with him. But then she kind of, when he 178 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:58,440 got married, immediately was like making claims that he had 179 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,800 an affair before that and that's why they married faster. 180 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:04,400 And so for years it was just like, he's such a cheating 181 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:08,840 bastard when she was the one that initiated the divorce and 182 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:13,600 went through with a divorce. So it's there's so many lies now 183 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:16,920 that I look back at it and inconsistencies that you don't 184 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:21,080 notice when you're younger. So it went into the story that I 185 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:25,880 believed for decades until I sat down three, you know, dad three 186 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:30,000 years ago that he did cheat and like left the family and left us 187 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:33,720 abandoned and all that stuff, when in reality, no, no, that 188 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:36,640 was true. So it's that was tough to 189 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:40,760 swallow. It's very commonly not the case. 190 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,480 You'd be surprised. Well, you're probably not 191 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,960 surprised, but so many people are like the men always leave. 192 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,760 They actually don't always. It's a lot of the times it's 193 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,800 biomom, but tell. Us. 194 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:53,520 They're pushed out too, you know. 195 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:55,360 Oh yeah. Oh, for sure. 196 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,800 And sometimes they leave. It is healthier for the kids, 197 00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,440 too. So that's, Oh yeah, If you're 198 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:01,200 dealing with crazies, save the kids. 199 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:04,360 But can you get into your relationship with your stepmom, 200 00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:07,600 what that looked like, How was it starting out, and then how 201 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,480 did it go into? Yeah, unfortunately it was 202 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,960 really rough starting out. As I said, she had older kids. 203 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,680 I believe they were graduating high school and going into 204 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:23,000 college and we were all I think like 13 or 14 and younger, the 205 00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:28,400 youngest being maybe like 5. So it kind of, she took on a 206 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,920 lot, I think more than she knew she could chew. 207 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:36,440 So I was never close to her. I think me being the oldest 208 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:42,480 girl, dad always just loved me to death and kind of gave us 209 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,880 whatever we want to be honest, like and you know, go to 210 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,720 Toys-R-Us and get whatever you want. 211 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:51,840 And, and I think she found she was jealous a lot, you know, 212 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:54,480 whereas my younger sister, they bonded more. 213 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,880 Maybe she was like less of a threat. 214 00:11:57,280 --> 00:11:59,840 I I don't know what it was exactly, but I never really got 215 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:03,320 to bond with her, even though I was desperate too. 216 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,600 Because again, that's kind of like a gateway to get closer to 217 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:09,640 my dad as well, right? But yeah, for whatever reason, 218 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,880 it was my sister really connected with her, but the rest 219 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,840 of the four did not. And I don't think she had a deep 220 00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,360 desire. I think it's so important when 221 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,960 you become that stepmom and you take that role, that you 222 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:23,760 actually do have that desire, A, to respect your husband, right? 223 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:27,880 And then, B, for the sake of the kids mental health, you know? 224 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:33,480 So that was something I didn't feel like was coming from her. 225 00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:39,400 So do you feel like as you've gotten older, maybe like your 226 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:43,280 perspective has changed a little bit since maybe because I know 227 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:49,760 you have biological kids too. I just know that for my mom, she 228 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:53,360 had a stepmom, but she was also a stepmom. 229 00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:56,560 And so now looking back, you know, she's like, she was just 230 00:12:56,560 --> 00:13:00,120 doing the best she can or she could, you know, like now that 231 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:03,040 she's older, she's like now in retrospect, I see that. 232 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,560 Do you, do you feel like that or you really feel like she just 233 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,400 didn't have a desire to get to know you? 234 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:14,320 I think it could be a mix of both and I know she had a lot of 235 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:18,520 things going on, like maybe some depression or something. 236 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:22,360 So I think she was trying to keep her own world intact. 237 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,960 At the same time, you know, she had kids and she had an 238 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,760 ex-husband as well. So I don't know. 239 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,920 I just feel like there was no connection with us. 240 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:34,440 I feel like she tried her best that she could, but you know, it 241 00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:35,960 just didn't, it didn't go through. 242 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:39,080 So not that she's a bad person for it, I was never 243 00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:41,840 disrespectful to her, but. Yeah, good. 244 00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:42,480 We like you. Yeah. 245 00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:47,680 Now my brothers, on the other hand, they threw down. 246 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:51,520 Oh, no. And, and yeah, we have that all 247 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,520 the time. A lot of it is so like, 248 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,680 developmental. And it's just like the stepmom 249 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,360 just becomes like the punching bag. 250 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:01,440 It's like kids are already, you know, testing boundaries and 251 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:04,240 being disrespectful to parents. And it's like, then the stepmom 252 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,880 walks and it's like, oh, I can really try to see if I test my 253 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,600 boundaries with you and be disrespectful. 254 00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:12,760 So no, we totally understand. So was there a period of time 255 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,240 when you and your dad just completely stopped talking? 256 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:22,280 Yeah, so he actually moved to Indiana from California with my 257 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:26,320 stepmom. Well, they got married and she 258 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:29,560 told him I'm moving back to my hometown and you can come or 259 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,320 not. So that was what got sticky. 260 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:34,800 And so he was kind of forced, I guess, to relocate. 261 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:40,240 We were offered to visit and we did that one or two times, but 262 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:42,440 again, it was just kind of awkward and stuff. 263 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:46,400 So I went back to California obviously, and just had, you 264 00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:49,440 know, my mom feeding me all of these things that I was 265 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:54,920 absorbing and kind of gruesome resentment for him moving and 266 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:58,840 leaving in the 1st place. And I know it wasn't his idea 267 00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:01,440 and it caught him completely off guard after they got married. 268 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,360 I think that was kind of part of her plan. 269 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:08,480 So that's, that gave me a little bit of anger for her for sure 270 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:10,800 and him leaving. But yes, I was offered to visit 271 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:14,400 him, but I kind of just pulled back at that point and spent 272 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:18,200 years not seeing him, not talking to him. 273 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,080 So that's where the distance kind of grew. 274 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:25,960 Did you get thrown into years and years of therapy as a child 275 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,080 like when you just court ordered? 276 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:32,920 Or did they, you know, say, I wish, I guess it's probably not 277 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:37,240 because if you were with the brainwasher, they never want to 278 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:41,000 send you to therapy. No, they don't want you exposed 279 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:45,320 to tools that would possibly, you know, allow you to see the 280 00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:48,280 shit they're doing. But I, I think I went to one or 281 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:52,000 two sessions so she could tell probably the courts or my dad 282 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:55,240 that we were going to therapy. But maybe 2 sessions. 283 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:58,080 I remember 1, still remember his name. 284 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,760 Feel like I needed that so bad later in life. 285 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:05,360 Fast way forward at 39, you know, that's when I started 286 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:09,560 figuring things out in therapy and I'm like, oh shit, you know? 287 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:14,280 Seriously, I know it's like, wild. 288 00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,840 Yes, it's not fun, that's for sure. 289 00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:23,360 No, it's so painful, but it's just eye opening and that's what 290 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,080 kind of started this journey and Instagram and the relationship 291 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:31,200 with my dad was the therapy and the tools which later led to me 292 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:35,680 disconnecting with my mom so. So tell us the good part. 293 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:37,680 When did you start reconnecting with your dad? 294 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:40,600 Like what did that look like? Did you text him, call him? 295 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,280 Like how did that happen? It was kind of like health 296 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,560 driven. So he was having a lot of heart 297 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:49,840 issues. And so all, let's see, I think 298 00:16:49,840 --> 00:16:52,560 there were four or five of us at that point that went out to 299 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:56,480 Indiana for his procedure. And at that point, my stepmom 300 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,240 was so deep in her dementia, I hate to say it, but it was 301 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:03,840 actually very light and happy. And you know, we were all such a 302 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:05,480 family. And I think that's when I 303 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:09,880 started to really miss him. So I want to say that was 5 or 6 304 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:11,960 years ago. And then his wife ended up 305 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:16,400 passing and I called him and I'm like, and we weren't talking 306 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:17,200 that much. At this point. 307 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,680 I'm like, Dad, I'm moving you back to California because 308 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:22,280 there's just no way I want him out there alone. 309 00:17:22,280 --> 00:17:24,400 He was just going to retire out there by himself. 310 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,160 Keep working. And like I said, he's a 311 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,600 workaholic. And I said, no, I'm moving you 312 00:17:28,600 --> 00:17:30,680 into my community. You don't even have to move in 313 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,080 with me. You can get your own place. 314 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:37,600 And that's when, like, it was such God's timing, honestly, 315 00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:41,320 because I was finishing up my two or three years of therapy at 316 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:45,160 that point, and everything was kind of starting to make sense. 317 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,840 So it was literally just perfect timing on every end. 318 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:53,200 I disconnected with my mom before I had reconnected with my 319 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,840 dad, which was cool. So I didn't switch up one parent 320 00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:58,000 for the other. I made a healthy decision with 321 00:17:58,040 --> 00:18:01,160 my mom and it opened doors over here, you know? 322 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:06,000 So that was just so much fun. He lives with you now? 323 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:08,000 No, I said. Yeah. 324 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:09,920 I moved him into my neighborhood. 325 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,880 Yeah, 'cause he likes his independence. 326 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,560 He's still, like, fully capable. He plays tennis. 327 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,200 And if they have three kids? Bring him in. 328 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,480 Oh yeah, I would have loved that. 329 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:23,120 In fact, if we do another session, he's so sweet. 330 00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,240 He's like the sweetest guy. He's so funny. 331 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:29,440 So he lives a couple streets down for me and he comes over 332 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:34,000 every night for dinner and that is so cool. 333 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:38,840 That's so cool cuz he's. Sad, that's so sweet. 334 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:42,600 Yeah, and it's like instant best friends. 335 00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:45,840 And when he did move here and he lost his wife and all that, you 336 00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:49,280 bet we sat down and had that conversation like, Dad, why did 337 00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,360 you leave? Dad, what really happened? 338 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:54,080 When was this affair? Like, I want to know all the 339 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:57,920 facts. And it was so crazy when you sit 340 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,760 down with someone and ask these questions. 341 00:19:00,760 --> 00:19:06,400 How different things are, you know, than you thoughts for 342 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,320 three decades? I mean, that's crazy. 343 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:10,920 That's so much of your life, so. Yeah, yeah. 344 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:12,120 It's so much time. You can't. 345 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,240 You can't get back, you know. No. 346 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:18,360 So many developmental years that like someone else takes away 347 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:22,360 from this innocent child and I'm sure it's just affected you so 348 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,440 much. I want to go back a little bit 349 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,160 though. You said you disconnected with 350 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,840 your mom before you reconnected with your dad. 351 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,560 Do you mind sharing a little bit about how that came about? 352 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:37,440 Yeah, that's a great question. So I was in with my therapist, 353 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:40,960 and from early on, I think within the first year, she was 354 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:44,120 kind of hinting like, you know, what if you gave your mom some 355 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,480 distance, what if you didn't share so much, but if you didn't 356 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:48,680 try? I used to take my mom on all 357 00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:53,320 these trips because again, she was very desperate for money and 358 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,920 a nice lifestyle because she still doesn't have money. 359 00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,240 So she was kind of hinting, you know? 360 00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,400 Maybe you should pull back. And I'm like, you're crazy. 361 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,960 She's not the problem. It's my brother, it's my sister. 362 00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,720 It's this. And then two years in, I was 363 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,040 like, Oh my God, I see where you're coming from as my mom 364 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:14,240 would just constantly use me. And then by the third year, I 365 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:17,280 was like, her name's Aaron. She's an amazing life coach. 366 00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:19,760 I'm like, Aaron, I think I'm going to disconnect with my mom. 367 00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:25,560 And I just saw the light in her eyes, like finally in my life 368 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:31,240 got so much better girls. It was just the curtain open. 369 00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:35,640 I, I didn't have that feeling in my gut every day, 'cause you 370 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,760 don't know, you're being used by your mom, you know what I mean, 371 00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:42,600 'cause she loves you and she's the one that's always there for 372 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,200 you. Your dad never was all this, you 373 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:48,000 know, bullshit. So it was like opening a gate 374 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,520 and I was like, free. And I'll be honest, there are 375 00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:54,520 times where you doubt yourself. I think women doubt themselves 376 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:58,160 so much more than they should in every aspect for sure. 377 00:20:58,400 --> 00:20:59,320 Oh my God. Yeah. 378 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:03,480 So I doubted that. Yeah, I doubted that for a 379 00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:06,760 while. And then no, no, no, no. 380 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:09,680 It's just so apparent that like, I'm just so much happier and 381 00:21:09,680 --> 00:21:11,360 healthy. Did you have like a conversation 382 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:14,280 with her? Like, hey, mom, like and like, 383 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:17,800 what was that like? I can't imagine like, you know, 384 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:21,280 you're cutting off your mom. When we were little, we got 385 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,480 college checks for my grandma, who I was very close to. 386 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:28,560 And without knowing it, she went and cashed all of the kids 387 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:32,200 checks and used all of that money from all five kids for I 388 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,720 don't know what. So I sat her down and I said, 389 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:37,080 mom, I really want to keep a relationship with you. 390 00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:39,960 But one thing that's always bothered me and I want to clear 391 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:43,280 it up because this is like on my checklist is I want that money 392 00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:45,040 back. And it's not about the money. 393 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:49,240 It's not about anything. And her response was, your name 394 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:52,200 was on the check, but that was not your money to begin with. 395 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,400 And then she, yeah, we went back and forth a little bit. 396 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:56,480 And she goes, you know what, Megan? 397 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,960 I feel so bad for you. You're going to need some better 398 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:02,960 therapy. And it was such a gaslighting 399 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,360 moment and so twisted to make it look like, like every other time 400 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,720 that something was wrong with me, that that was the cut off 401 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:13,200 crazy, yes, that. And I was always made to feel 402 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,160 like something was wrong with me, not her. 403 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:17,040 And I think that's, again, a lot of narcissists. 404 00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:18,880 And that was the point. I was like, you know what, I'm 405 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,880 done with this, 'cause you're trying to make my head spin and 406 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,320 I'm not going to go down that road again. 407 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:25,560 And I said, yeah, I'm done. So. 408 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:30,200 I hate to hear that. It was all this time until four 409 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,560 or five years ago. We can't let my husband find out 410 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:36,760 because he's like, oh, when they turn 18, they'll turn the page. 411 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:40,440 It's like, sorry, buddy, I don't think so. 412 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,680 I don't think they should come running back and have this big 413 00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:47,480 epiphany, a realization of what's really going on and you 414 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,600 know, who really was there for them the whole time. 415 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,200 But you know, we can hope, right? 416 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,800 We can dream. If you're your step kids, is 417 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:56,920 that correct who you're talking about? 418 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:01,120 Yes. I would highly, highly recommend 419 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:06,040 if you can get them in therapy like I everybody asked me, like 420 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,560 what's your advice? I want to see my kids so bad, 421 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:10,200 like I'm dying. I'm desperate. 422 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,000 You know, I get DMS every day. And my advice is get them in 423 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,840 therapy because it really opens their mind. 424 00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:17,840 It truly does. They're hearing everything from 425 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:19,640 their mom right now, you know what I mean? 426 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:21,720 Yeah, absolutely. Oh, for sure. 427 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,760 And their minds are still being molded. 428 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:28,600 They're easily moldable, but they do obviously have a loyalty 429 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:32,440 bind as most children do. And so I think when kids are 430 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:36,280 worked off of the loyalty bind, when a parent sees that 431 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:41,600 vulnerability and decides to act on the loyalty bind, they really 432 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,200 don't stand a chance. And especially I feel like it 433 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:47,000 does usually happen in mom's households because the dads are 434 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,520 usually more passive. They're just like the play 435 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:51,360 buddy. They don't link into that 436 00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:55,600 emotional connection, you know, so it's harder to really suck in 437 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:59,200 that kid and that vulnerable state, unfortunately. 438 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,480 It's just so sick how it all sounds. 439 00:24:02,480 --> 00:24:05,680 And I feel like dad's really, I mean, everyone's so into this 440 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:08,560 like man hating thing on Instagram, especially like 441 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:11,720 Gilman are so stupid. I feel like they really get the 442 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,040 brunt of this. Like they lose all connection 443 00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:16,200 with their kids. You know, their old relationship 444 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,960 is no longer there. I mean, to lose a relationship 445 00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:22,160 with your kids, could you imagine if it was like turned 446 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,800 around? Holy crap. 447 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:28,280 Like I just feel bad for them. Yeah, no, definitely. 448 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:33,080 I have something like that in my own, like, personal life. 449 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:38,240 And what I found is it was the other parent alienating, but it 450 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,000 was also a lot of like the extended family. 451 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:45,360 Did you ever experience that? Like were your grandparents like 452 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:50,760 ever like bad mouthing your dad and stepmom to you and, and 453 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,800 brainwashing you in that capacity too? 454 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,560 Because I think from a stepmom's point of view for a listen, I 455 00:24:56,560 --> 00:25:01,240 it's like, not only does, you know, dad get alienated, the 456 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,840 stepmom does too. Who wants to be in the child's 457 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:05,520 life? And it's like, we're just the 458 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:08,240 scapegoat. So it's like the grandparents 459 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,000 are saying things, the aunts and uncles are saying things like, 460 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,160 Oh, your dad just married this woman. 461 00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:16,280 And so I was curious if that was part of your story as well. 462 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:19,600 Absolutely. Cousins like aunts, uncles, not 463 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:21,560 so much. My grandma, she was like an 464 00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:25,280 amazing queen who since passed. She just spoke well of everyone 465 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:30,160 but the aunts, uncles, cousins. Oh yeah, your dad, you know, 466 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,800 such a loser. Like he was always such a 467 00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:34,520 workaholic. Never around your whole 468 00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:36,960 childhood. Just got remarried. 469 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:38,920 By the way. I don't know if you girls agree, 470 00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:42,040 but I feel like the men always get remarried faster than the 471 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:45,320 woman, so that's just like kind of more natural. 472 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:46,920 That's just what happens. I don't. 473 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:51,600 Know why? Really, I'd love to hear more 474 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:52,600 about that. Situation. 475 00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:59,000 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and talk about that, but 476 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,120 for sure, cousins, aunts, uncles, yeah. 477 00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:08,240 So I wanted to talk a little bit about how it's like affected you 478 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:12,960 and in your relationships today and how you've seen all this 479 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,920 like manifest in your everyday life. 480 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,960 Like do you struggle with trusting people? 481 00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:19,880 Yeah, tell me about your trust issues. 482 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:26,440 Like for real you have you? Know I don't have when you're in 483 00:26:26,440 --> 00:26:30,040 that kind of survival mode for so long, you learn to read 484 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:35,000 people very well. So I find that kind of a gift 485 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:38,120 from the situation. It's not that I don't trust 486 00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:42,800 people, it's that I'm very selective in who I let in and 487 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:45,040 release some energy to, if that makes sense. 488 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:51,040 So versus like being, you know, I have two very solid close 489 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:53,920 friends and I have like tennis friends and this and that, but I 490 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:58,920 would never exert energy on people that don't give me the 491 00:26:58,920 --> 00:27:01,800 same energy back or the same, you know, I'm very, I just, I'm 492 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:07,360 just picky and not standoffish. Sorry, it's the friendship ATM. 493 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:10,600 Yes. If they only invest so much in 494 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:13,320 you, you can't even withdraw anymore. 495 00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:15,440 Like there's only so much I can give back. 496 00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:18,520 It's yeah. And is it quality stuff that 497 00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:21,600 they're even giving you? You know, so I, I, I don't feel 498 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,520 like I have trust issues by any means. 499 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:26,600 I'm just like more selective on where I put my time. 500 00:27:26,680 --> 00:27:31,320 And it's amazing because what you receive back, it's just so 501 00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:35,080 wholesome and real and, you know, not light and fluffy. 502 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:36,960 So I don't know. That's what I love. 503 00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:43,800 So dealing with kiddos at home that have, you know, a certain 504 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:50,040 thought process, I guess I'll say, about how his their father 505 00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:55,200 is and how their stepmom is. It concerns me that lots of 506 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:56,760 times I worry that they're muted. 507 00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:59,920 Like they can't feel like they can defend themselves or stand 508 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:02,720 up for themselves because they have such a loyalty to mom. 509 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:08,240 But do you remember ever feeling like you know when your mom 510 00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:12,120 would say that stuff about your dad that you would want to stand 511 00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:15,120 up for him or say like mom stop, but you were scared to? 512 00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:17,320 Did you feel like you couldn't? Terrified. 513 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:18,920 Oh, terrified. Yeah. 514 00:28:19,320 --> 00:28:22,080 She'd have this, like, look, I don't know if your mom's ever 515 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:25,000 had it, but like, they would just look at you and I would 516 00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:28,000 just shiver. I was so scared of her. 517 00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:30,480 She just instilled this deep fear. 518 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:34,800 Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I wouldn't dare say 519 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:35,720 anything. No. 520 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:37,920 So I remember. So. 521 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:43,320 You know, it's like, what girl doesn't want their dad to like 522 00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:46,680 every girl wants her dad and wants to stick up for him. 523 00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:51,920 But it would be, I'd be in deep shit if I said anything and I 524 00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:53,520 just remember always being scared. 525 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,080 Holy hell. How? 526 00:28:56,520 --> 00:29:01,200 How did your relationship with your mom and dad I guess compare 527 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:06,160 with your siblings? I feel like when a family's 528 00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:10,440 going through that, the mom always kind of pins the kids 529 00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:12,440 against each other in some sense. 530 00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:16,320 So I felt like it was a a fighting ground a few while she 531 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:21,800 was very codependent with the boys and asked for support and 532 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,280 comfort through them in a sick way. 533 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:28,400 And then the girls were kind of left to fend for themselves. 534 00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:30,320 Like, I never had school clothes. 535 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:32,600 I was bullied in middle school 'cause I was wearing my 536 00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:35,680 brother's clothes. We never had food. 537 00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:39,000 Even though she was raking in money every month. 538 00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:43,160 I know exactly how much she was getting, and in the 90s it was 539 00:29:43,160 --> 00:29:47,160 way more than most families had and I saw none of it. 540 00:29:47,160 --> 00:29:49,640 So. And here's my dad on the other 541 00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:53,560 side of the US, thinking he's fully supporting us in every 542 00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:55,800 way. Thinking you guys are all right, 543 00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:58,160 yeah. Yes, in a private school. 544 00:29:58,160 --> 00:30:00,600 She had pulled us from the private schools and he thought 545 00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:03,160 we were still in them and she was using that money for other 546 00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:08,680 stuff, so it's crazy. Did you ever get to call him and 547 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:11,120 check in with him? Or could he ever call you and 548 00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:13,680 check in where you you could say like, hey, I'm kind of hungry. 549 00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:15,800 Yeah. Max No. 550 00:30:17,800 --> 00:30:20,120 Yeah, I just need some like Del Taco Dad. 551 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:26,600 Yeah, I could. I always felt like I, it wasn't 552 00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:30,840 like I couldn't, it would just be frowned upon and she would 553 00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:34,120 take it as I don't love her or you know what I mean. 554 00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:36,000 It was. Just or you felt like you had to 555 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:38,120 choose or something I've seen. Yes. 556 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:41,760 With some stepmoms we've talked to, it's like they always had 557 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:45,840 access to their dad, but they, they like, distance themselves 558 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:50,160 in a way because they were told such a negative narrative that 559 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:53,000 they didn't want to and they were scared to hurt their mom, 560 00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:55,120 you know, And it sounds like even if your mom was a 561 00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:58,200 narcissist like you, still you didn't want to hurt her. 562 00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:00,360 Like you're a good person, you know, no one wants to hurt 563 00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:06,360 people for the most part. Stepmoms, how are you coping 564 00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:08,920 with transition day? I'll tell you how I am. 565 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:13,840 I'm lighting my big ass candles to calm my big ass anxieties and 566 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:16,320 honestly it changes the whole mood of the house. 567 00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:20,040 Same chaos, just calmer vibes and way better energy. 568 00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:24,040 We're obsessed with big ass candles from big ass luxuries. 569 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:28,360 Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. If you want to try one, use code 570 00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:30,520 stepmom at checkout for a discount. 571 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:35,800 That's code stepmom at checkout. Big ass candles because stepmom 572 00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:37,880 life comes with big ass feelings. 573 00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:48,760 We see it in a member that we talked with for one on ones that 574 00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:56,360 their stepson is not allowed to respond to text messages from 575 00:31:56,960 --> 00:32:02,240 stepmom and bio dad. But it's like you are damned if 576 00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:06,440 you do not reach out to bio mom on your weeks with dad. 577 00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:08,720 You are in trouble. They're going to come back and 578 00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:12,360 have backlash from it, you know, and they're actually rewarded 579 00:32:12,360 --> 00:32:17,320 when they go over to my mom's house and they give information 580 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:21,320 about dad's house. They're rewarded with treats. 581 00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:25,120 So now there's an unhealthy food habit system. 582 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:28,720 And so it's just like balance of, you know, their loyalty, but 583 00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:30,360 then a reward that comes with it. 584 00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:33,520 And like you said, that scary eyes, you know, I'm sure that 585 00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,560 it's something like that, that like you have the reward or you 586 00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:41,080 can have the scary eyes. Yeah, it is a lot to like 587 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:44,480 choosing sides. Yeah. 588 00:32:44,480 --> 00:32:48,200 So I think he was available to talk to, but I was just 589 00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:51,440 terrified too. Funny enough, my brother just 590 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:53,720 died like 2 weeks ago. My oldest brother of a heart 591 00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:56,320 attack. Oh, my gosh, yeah. 592 00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:58,360 Terrible. It was terrible. 593 00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:00,840 But we all went to the funeral, of course, right. 594 00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:03,600 And I hadn't seen my mom in so long. 595 00:33:04,080 --> 00:33:07,240 And I can count the number of people at the funeral that she 596 00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:09,720 still had communication with. And it was one. 597 00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:11,320 It was her boyfriend that she brought. 598 00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:14,720 Everybody else had cut her off. And imagine this large family 599 00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:16,520 gathering, even your. Brother. 600 00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:19,800 Yes, even your brother that passed, he hadn't. 601 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:23,320 Yes, no, he was the first to lose communication. 602 00:33:23,840 --> 00:33:26,080 I was the 2nd. And what I noticed before this 603 00:33:26,080 --> 00:33:29,920 podcast is it went down from oldest to youngest that stopped 604 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:31,760 talking to her. Coincidentally, that's just how 605 00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:34,040 it went. But I bring up the story because 606 00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:38,040 I saw her at the funeral and it had been years and she she was 607 00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:40,920 trying to give me that same evil eye. 608 00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:43,960 But I you know when you feel it. From your nightmares. 609 00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:47,360 Oh yes. Because I wasn't responding to 610 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,160 her. She's like Megan and I would 611 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:52,240 just I had, I didn't even want to give her the eye contact 612 00:33:52,240 --> 00:33:54,520 because it was my energy that I was not going to give away. 613 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:58,760 And I just felt it. And honestly, like your entire 614 00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:02,400 childhood just flashes in front of you like, Oh my God, that was 615 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:06,760 what I felt for so many years. You know, it's just was she? 616 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:11,040 She was welcome at the funeral or was it kind of like y'all had 617 00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:13,480 preferred she not be there? Yeah, yeah. 618 00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:16,719 I was literally thinking that, Alyssa, because I was like, how 619 00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:20,239 does that work when people die? Like if you're alienated or a 620 00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:22,719 strange, like, do you still go to the funeral? 621 00:34:22,719 --> 00:34:25,000 Like, are you going to go to her funeral, you know? 622 00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:28,880 I think we all would have preferred her not there, as sad 623 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:33,880 as that sounds, but my deceased brother's wife is such a lovely 624 00:34:33,880 --> 00:34:39,320 woman that she invited her. So that was that. 625 00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:41,880 That was her decision and we all respect it. 626 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:47,040 And you know, it was just, it's like reliving your childhood, 627 00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:49,120 that hour in the room with someone you've cut off. 628 00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:51,760 It's just thick. It's a thick room. 629 00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:54,239 So it's thick, Yeah. The tension you can cut with a 630 00:34:54,239 --> 00:34:55,239 knife. I love that. 631 00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:59,560 But then somehow those eye glare lasers make it through the the 632 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:03,400 thickness. And they say 1000 things in the 633 00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:05,120 that glare. You know what I mean? 634 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:11,280 Yeah, much control and it's almost scary, you know what I 635 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:12,200 mean? So. 636 00:35:12,280 --> 00:35:14,760 For sure scary. That's probably the only way to 637 00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:18,600 put it to I want to backtrack a little bit to where you said 638 00:35:18,600 --> 00:35:21,720 that she just doesn't have her village anymore. 639 00:35:21,720 --> 00:35:25,040 She's lost her relationships and her connections, whether it be 640 00:35:25,040 --> 00:35:28,920 from, you know, narcissistic behavior or whatever it is her, 641 00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:32,960 the truth coming out like we all hope will happen eventually, 642 00:35:32,960 --> 00:35:36,560 right with our step kids and anyone that's brainwashed. 643 00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:41,680 But yeah, we definitely have heard of similar stories 644 00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:44,640 somewhere. You know, it's like they lose 645 00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:48,840 their whole family and the family is now best friends with 646 00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:50,760 bio dad. They're writing letters to the 647 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:55,160 court in bio dad's favor against their own family, which is bio 648 00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:57,880 mom, you know, and it's sad, but it's so true. 649 00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:00,800 And I think that could be something that stepmoms, you 650 00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:04,320 know, and bio dads everywhere need to really be leaning into. 651 00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:07,400 And, you know, if you see that happening, what are we going to 652 00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:11,120 do to act on that and show that this is a real thing? 653 00:36:11,120 --> 00:36:14,440 They alienate everyone around them against them. 654 00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:17,240 These people eventually go away. Lots of them are adults. 655 00:36:17,240 --> 00:36:19,240 And they're like, I can see with my own two eyes. 656 00:36:19,240 --> 00:36:24,280 You can't alienate me. And what I wanted to say too is 657 00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:28,800 now that I look back, I always felt safer with my stepmom than 658 00:36:28,800 --> 00:36:32,640 I ever did with my mom. Even though we didn't have that 659 00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:39,600 connection, I just felt way safer and just more taken care 660 00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:43,040 of. Well, none of my basic needs 661 00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:46,080 were met with my mom, so you know, obviously, but it was 662 00:36:46,080 --> 00:36:47,760 just. Thank you for saying that, 663 00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:49,400 because. I wanted 2 girls. 664 00:36:49,440 --> 00:36:54,840 To like we question ourselves so much and a lot of our stepmom, 665 00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:58,160 you know, community, they are the full time stepmom and they 666 00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:01,520 question like, am I doing enough? 667 00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:04,280 Like even if we're not super close, like is this 668 00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:08,760 relationship, are they seeing, you know, the positive effects 669 00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:10,680 of me caring for this child everyday? 670 00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:13,120 Like do they feel safe with me like you were saying? 671 00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:16,400 So I appreciate that. I did want to talk a little bit 672 00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:18,520 about this because you and I kind of talked a little bit on 673 00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:23,000 the side about this. You talked about your brother 674 00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:28,400 who not the 1-2 weeks ago but previously who passed from the 675 00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:31,760 disease of addiction and how you know. 676 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:35,440 I wanted to hear your thoughts and perspective on how you think 677 00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:37,960 this whole thing of parent alienation might have played a 678 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:42,040 role in this. Oh my gosh, that is the best 679 00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:45,520 question that you could have asked me because I felt like it 680 00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:48,720 played the entire role. And I still talk to my siblings 681 00:37:48,720 --> 00:37:52,400 about this. He was perfectly set up for an 682 00:37:52,400 --> 00:37:56,880 addiction by my mom. And I think being alienated as a 683 00:37:56,880 --> 00:38:01,160 little boy from your dad takes away so much direction in your 684 00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:03,120 life. And it was just like he was a 685 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:08,480 lost sheep after that divorce because he was kept from dad, I 686 00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:10,200 think. I feel like boys need a male 687 00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:13,120 role model for sure. And he didn't have that. 688 00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:16,120 He had that codependent relationship of saving my mom 689 00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:20,200 from her own emotions 24/7. And that's a lot of 690 00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:21,960 responsibility. Yeah. 691 00:38:22,120 --> 00:38:24,680 On a little boy or a little girl, whatever it may be. 692 00:38:24,880 --> 00:38:27,640 And that threw him into addiction immediately. 693 00:38:27,640 --> 00:38:31,320 I mean he was like 11 or 12 when he first tried drinking. 694 00:38:32,920 --> 00:38:36,000 So no, my stepson just turned 11 or is about to turn 11. 695 00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:38,800 So I'm like terrified. Not that I think he's such a 696 00:38:38,840 --> 00:38:42,520 good kid, like a rule follower, but that terrifies me. 697 00:38:44,440 --> 00:38:47,800 But I agree completely that little boys, you said to, you 698 00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:50,000 know, every little girl wants their dad, they want their 699 00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:51,920 daddy. There's just something I can't 700 00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:57,000 give my daughter that my husband can, you know, but they're it is 701 00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:01,280 a fight that I put up for my 10, basically 11 year old. 702 00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:03,160 I say that because he acts like he's 20. 703 00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:07,920 He's very like mentally mature. And so he internalizes, but he 704 00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:10,960 really needs his father. He's going through puberty. 705 00:39:11,400 --> 00:39:14,400 I would think this isn't a conversation you want to have 706 00:39:14,400 --> 00:39:17,560 with, you know, a stepdad. I'm certainly not going to have 707 00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:20,760 that conversation with him. But you, your mom, never 708 00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:22,640 remarried when you were with her. 709 00:39:23,480 --> 00:39:26,920 No, because then she couldn't come out of that victim role. 710 00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:28,960 You know she was. She was like my. 711 00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:31,800 Momma's five kids. I'm not even joking. 712 00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:32,960 Yeah. And so we go. 713 00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:36,440 I just remember going around to restaurants or, you know, 714 00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:40,960 whenever we were out at church. Oh, you know, I feel so bad for 715 00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:42,640 you. You're raising these kids by 716 00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:45,720 yourself. And just hearing that sympathy 717 00:39:45,720 --> 00:39:49,560 from everyone all the time. It was just, I'm like, this 718 00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:52,640 doesn't feel right at all. So now she never remarried. 719 00:39:53,000 --> 00:39:54,760 Nope. Interesting. 720 00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:56,320 Yeah. And that's weird. 721 00:39:56,360 --> 00:40:00,200 How do the bio moms that do remarry, what's their sympathy 722 00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:02,560 card? What are they playing, you know? 723 00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:04,520 I don't know. Yeah. 724 00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:10,160 So it was interesting. She wanted out so bad but never 725 00:40:10,160 --> 00:40:12,920 got remarried. So it just doesn't make sense to 726 00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:14,600 me. Yeah, that is really 727 00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:16,240 interesting. And you would think that you 728 00:40:16,240 --> 00:40:20,520 would just like, want to move on and be happy too, you know, and 729 00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:25,360 experience that again. But what now that you've 730 00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:31,280 experienced all of this, what do you wish that even your dad, 731 00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:35,280 what do you wish your dad, your mom or stepmom or just other 732 00:40:35,280 --> 00:40:39,840 safe adults knew back then? What do you wish looking back on 733 00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:43,160 that? It's so funny because people now 734 00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:47,600 say, Megan, I had, they come up to me now, like I wish I knew. 735 00:40:47,600 --> 00:40:49,560 Like I never knew you guys were going through that. 736 00:40:49,560 --> 00:40:52,600 I never knew you didn't have clothes or like food. 737 00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:57,080 I just wish people knew how helpless we were, but we 738 00:40:57,080 --> 00:41:01,440 couldn't really speak up. I mean, it was abuse because we 739 00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:06,880 would get reprimanded heavily. I wish, I wish they knew that 740 00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:08,840 they should be asking more questions. 741 00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:11,880 You know what I mean? They were always asking my mom 742 00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:14,800 how she was doing, but like, none of us. 743 00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:20,960 And we, they just had no idea. So it's just funny when you get 744 00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:24,760 divorced and everyone is asking like the mom, like, how are you? 745 00:41:24,760 --> 00:41:27,360 Like, is everything OK? But no one talks, No one asks 746 00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:29,240 the kids. I don't even know if I would 747 00:41:29,240 --> 00:41:32,520 answer honestly if they did. You know, back then, yeah, 748 00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:33,800 'cause. You probably didn't feel safe 749 00:41:33,800 --> 00:41:35,240 enough to. Yeah. 750 00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:38,800 So I just, I wish safe adults would just ask more questions 751 00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:41,680 like I wish my dad and my stepmom would have you know, are 752 00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:46,480 you 2 guys feel safe at home? Are you getting fed basics like? 753 00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:49,960 That I have a question for stepmoms out there. 754 00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:53,720 And if a child seems like distant or cold, kind of 755 00:41:53,720 --> 00:41:57,520 withdrawn and a stepmoms red flags are raised that maybe the 756 00:41:57,520 --> 00:42:00,920 step kiddo has a little bit alienation or is kind of, you 757 00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:02,760 know, stuck in this blind to mom. 758 00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:07,560 And what would you want stepmoms to understand and maybe advice 759 00:42:07,560 --> 00:42:12,320 for bio dads how to act on this when you know, most of the time 760 00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:15,240 we're tied by court systems so there's only so much we can do. 761 00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:16,720 Terrible. Yeah. 762 00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:20,480 I feel like the court systems to like automatically give the mom 763 00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:24,000 to so much free rein. Like what should they do to take 764 00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:26,880 action when we kind of can't take much action? 765 00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:31,240 It's hard because you don't want that child going back to the mom 766 00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:34,800 and being like, oh, stepmom sat me down or dad took me to lunch 767 00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:38,920 and asked like if I was OK. It's such a fine line, right? 768 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:42,400 But I think you absolutely have that right when it comes to like 769 00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:45,000 safety. And you should never let the, 770 00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:49,120 the moms, you know, the mom's opinion or scared the child will 771 00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:52,200 go back to the mom, stop you from asking those basic 772 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:56,040 questions to make sure they're, they'll never forget that 773 00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:58,960 they'll never forget their stepmom taking them out to lunch 774 00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:01,520 and asking, hey, do you feel safe at home? 775 00:43:01,600 --> 00:43:03,360 Is everything OK? Are you happy? 776 00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:06,720 I want to make sure you're happy that if someone did that to me 777 00:43:06,720 --> 00:43:10,400 and my stepmom or my dad or someone took, Oh my God, my, I 778 00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:12,520 would probably fall on the floor crying honestly. 779 00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:14,240 And just like, lay everything out. 780 00:43:15,000 --> 00:43:18,280 Oh, and what about if CPS came and asked that too? 781 00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:19,960 Would you really start believing it? 782 00:43:20,240 --> 00:43:24,840 That would, yeah, that would be, I don't know, I think I'd be too 783 00:43:24,840 --> 00:43:27,240 terrified. But if you know, a stepmom or 784 00:43:27,240 --> 00:43:31,480 dad or aunt, uncle, I would absolutely, I think just cripple 785 00:43:31,480 --> 00:43:35,200 and tell everything. I didn't even know I was keeping 786 00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:37,240 secrets at that point. You just kind of live in 787 00:43:37,240 --> 00:43:39,600 survival, like, Oh my God, I don't want her mad at me, so I'm 788 00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:43,440 going to shut up. It's just bananas. 789 00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:48,280 But I love that question 'cause it just shows how authentic you 790 00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:52,800 ladies are as women and as stepmoms that you would even ask 791 00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:57,040 that. It's just it shows a lot of 792 00:43:57,160 --> 00:43:57,840 your. Personality. 793 00:43:57,840 --> 00:43:59,480 We just need help. You guys do what you do. 794 00:43:59,880 --> 00:44:01,000 We can't. Well, we see it. 795 00:44:01,320 --> 00:44:03,520 Yeah, we've. Both have seen it in our own 796 00:44:03,520 --> 00:44:05,720 experiences. And then so many stepmoms come 797 00:44:05,720 --> 00:44:09,200 to us and they're like, my stepchild is disrespectful. 798 00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:12,080 You know, they seem cold, they seem distant. 799 00:44:12,160 --> 00:44:17,560 And a lot of it, we believe is a lot of brainwashing from the 800 00:44:17,560 --> 00:44:20,480 other household. But as stepmoms, we're the one 801 00:44:20,480 --> 00:44:22,240 taking care of them. We're the ones doing these 802 00:44:22,240 --> 00:44:24,600 things. So we're like, how can we best 803 00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:27,960 respond and navigate these challenges? 804 00:44:28,240 --> 00:44:31,760 Step kids are kind of being disrespectful, but we think it 805 00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:34,880 might be from brainwashing. Like, what do we do to help? 806 00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:36,680 Because we don't, we don't know, you know? 807 00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:40,120 And it's crazy because their brains aren't fully developed, 808 00:44:40,280 --> 00:44:43,840 they're getting fed things all day from one person and they're 809 00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:46,400 not exposed to any treatment or therapy. 810 00:44:46,400 --> 00:44:48,520 So they're not healing in a sense. 811 00:44:49,120 --> 00:44:52,240 So I would just patience and love. 812 00:44:52,240 --> 00:44:56,160 And that's like all you can do in consistency. 813 00:44:56,160 --> 00:45:00,200 If you're consistent with them, that goes so far. 814 00:45:01,280 --> 00:45:03,320 I just think that's something they'll remember the rest of 815 00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:05,400 their lives. Consistency and love and 816 00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:09,320 acceptance even I just couldn't imagine being disrespected and 817 00:45:09,320 --> 00:45:12,440 what to do with that. But again, these, their brains 818 00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:14,560 aren't developed. They're, they're put in the 819 00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:18,520 middle of a war really between two people and it's just not 820 00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:22,640 fair. I was put in that position, you 821 00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:26,280 know, and it was you have to survive really in the middle. 822 00:45:26,280 --> 00:45:29,120 It's terrible. It's extremely hard to navigate 823 00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:31,720 and there's no one answer for everything. 824 00:45:31,720 --> 00:45:35,440 I'm always saying this but there's just No2 situations are 825 00:45:35,440 --> 00:45:37,800 the same. Even your brainwashed story from 826 00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:41,800 another one, there's so many gaps and different stories that 827 00:45:41,800 --> 00:45:45,360 it's like each one has to kind of navigate it on their own. 828 00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:51,120 But I, I just really appreciate that you are finally, I'm so 829 00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:54,080 happy that you get to live your best life now with your dad 830 00:45:54,160 --> 00:45:57,240 because you guys look like you're literally thriving. 831 00:45:57,320 --> 00:45:58,840 You're happening to your best time. 832 00:45:58,920 --> 00:46:00,760 You. Guys are so fun. 833 00:46:01,680 --> 00:46:06,120 There's so much healing in it too, just like, and I don't want 834 00:46:06,120 --> 00:46:09,680 to say I'm raising my kids any different, but I'm just so much 835 00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:13,160 more aware and appreciative of like small things just because 836 00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:16,320 now I'm like a healed person, you know what I mean? 837 00:46:16,320 --> 00:46:20,040 Or in the process of healing versus 10 years ago when I was 838 00:46:20,040 --> 00:46:22,760 still kind of in survival mode trying to figure everything out. 839 00:46:22,760 --> 00:46:26,400 Now I really have the support of my dad and we're so close. 840 00:46:26,400 --> 00:46:29,800 He's so funny. He's so sweet, honest and direct 841 00:46:29,800 --> 00:46:33,040 where I came from. Chaos, lies and manipulation. 842 00:46:33,440 --> 00:46:38,360 It's just so refreshing and I truly wishes for every young 843 00:46:38,360 --> 00:46:42,800 girl to get close to their dad because they need them so bad. 844 00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:45,080 I feel bad seeing all these girls on Instagram that just 845 00:46:45,080 --> 00:46:48,880 don't like their dad or you know, talk to them in 20 years 846 00:46:48,880 --> 00:46:52,920 or think they need them. Yeah, no, definitely. 847 00:46:53,480 --> 00:46:57,360 What would you say to those dads that feel like their kids are 848 00:46:57,360 --> 00:47:03,720 being turned against them? I get this question every day. 849 00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:07,400 I would say never. Oh, I've run into people who 850 00:47:07,400 --> 00:47:10,600 have seen, you know, my handle and they're like, what should I 851 00:47:10,600 --> 00:47:12,880 do? I would tell them to stay 852 00:47:12,880 --> 00:47:15,480 consistent and never stop trying. 853 00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:19,960 And if they can get into therapy with their kiddo, it will save 854 00:47:19,960 --> 00:47:25,280 so many years of distance and just disaster. 855 00:47:25,680 --> 00:47:28,800 So never stop trying is what I always tell the dads. 856 00:47:28,800 --> 00:47:32,520 And two, if you can get into any type of therapy with them, it's 857 00:47:32,520 --> 00:47:34,440 just hard because the mom blocks all that, right? 858 00:47:34,440 --> 00:47:36,080 Because it's to her disadvantage. 859 00:47:36,080 --> 00:47:39,200 They'd rather the child be confused than healthy, 860 00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:43,040 unfortunately. So for sure, never stop trying 861 00:47:43,040 --> 00:47:45,880 because they'll come back. A child will come back if they 862 00:47:45,880 --> 00:47:48,480 have the tools to figure it out. It's when they don't have the 863 00:47:48,480 --> 00:47:51,120 tools that it gets really Gray. So. 864 00:47:51,280 --> 00:47:54,800 Yeah, I'm glad you mentioned that when they have the tools 865 00:47:54,800 --> 00:47:58,240 and and that's the hard part about these like traumatic 866 00:47:58,240 --> 00:48:01,720 situations in childhood is because they're never taught the 867 00:48:01,720 --> 00:48:04,080 tools in childhood and then they grow up to be adults. 868 00:48:04,080 --> 00:48:09,080 And not everyone is, as you know, lucky as you are or, you 869 00:48:09,080 --> 00:48:12,360 know, as introspective. You you realized, OK, I have 870 00:48:12,360 --> 00:48:15,280 some things I need to do some inner work on and and look where 871 00:48:15,280 --> 00:48:18,840 you are now. So thank you so much for being 872 00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:21,720 here today. I just wanted to ask one last 873 00:48:21,720 --> 00:48:26,000 question. What would be your advice to, 874 00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:29,840 you know, stepmoms who are really navigating this whole, 875 00:48:30,600 --> 00:48:32,800 you know, concept of alienation in their homes? 876 00:48:32,800 --> 00:48:35,280 What would be like your one piece of advice for them? 877 00:48:36,640 --> 00:48:40,720 Just to love hard on them. And I know that's so hard and so 878 00:48:40,720 --> 00:48:44,960 broad, but all these kids and I really think humans are looking 879 00:48:44,960 --> 00:48:49,080 for connection and love. So if you stay again, consistent 880 00:48:49,080 --> 00:48:54,160 with that and just it's hard because we have our own hiccups, 881 00:48:54,160 --> 00:48:56,280 you know, and we have our own healing to do. 882 00:48:56,280 --> 00:48:58,760 So it's hard being consistent with that. 883 00:48:58,760 --> 00:49:04,080 But just love hard on them and because they need that so bad 884 00:49:04,520 --> 00:49:06,640 and patience too. If you can give a little 885 00:49:06,640 --> 00:49:10,160 patience and that's that's what I would recommend. 886 00:49:10,160 --> 00:49:12,320 So what a great question by the way. 887 00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:13,640 Yeah. Thank you. 888 00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:16,160 Thank you so much for being here with us today. 889 00:49:16,920 --> 00:49:20,120 Of course, you guys, this was so fun and thank you for everything 890 00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:24,440 you do and for you know, always trying to absorb and find new 891 00:49:24,440 --> 00:49:26,520 information to help others. I just. 892 00:49:26,520 --> 00:49:27,800 Really appreciate that. Yeah. 893 00:49:27,880 --> 00:49:29,440 Thank you. Yeah. 894 00:49:29,640 --> 00:49:31,760 See you. See you next week, everyone. 895 00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:34,320 Stepmoms. That's it for this week on 896 00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:37,280 Stepmom Side Chats. We're Alyssa and Becca, your 897 00:49:37,280 --> 00:49:40,520 stepmom besties. Before you go, if something we 898 00:49:40,520 --> 00:49:44,960 said hit a little close to home, go ahead and hit Follow now so 899 00:49:44,960 --> 00:49:48,080 you don't miss future episodes and share with another stepmom 900 00:49:48,080 --> 00:49:50,560 to help us grow. If you want to connect between 901 00:49:50,560 --> 00:49:54,160 episodes, follow us on Instagram at Stepmom Side Chats and send 902 00:49:54,160 --> 00:49:55,600 us what you want us to chat about next. 903 00:49:56,000 --> 00:49:58,160 Keep giving yourself grace, you're doing better than you 904 00:49:58,160 --> 00:50:00,040 think. We'll chat with you all soon.