Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats.
We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms.
Who are done pretending everything's perfect.
This is where we talk boundaries, Co parenting, hard
truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud.
If you're ready for real talk, real growth and a little.
Bit of spice, Let's get into it. Hello, hello, welcome back to
another episode of Stepmom Side Chats.
Alyssa and I are so excited. We have been wanting to hear
someone's perspective on how parent alienation effects
everyone. So go ahead, Megan, tell us a
little bit about yourself and you know your experience with
it. Thanks for having me you guys.
So I am 42 I'm living in Orange County California and I was
alienated from my dad since I could remember maybe like 3 or
4. The rage started from my mom in
the home and I thought it was normal for many decades and it
led to decades of not talking to my dad or having a relationship
with him or even the opportunity to have a relationship with him.
So I'm excited to be here and talk more about that and answer
questions so. You got right into it.
I love that this is exactly, we are no bullshit duo here.
So I mean, it is what it is. We are seeing alienation.
We are also products. Some of us here are products of
alienation and we experience it daily with step kids.
And quite frankly, I want to say probably like it sounds like 90%
of our stepmom followers have complaints and a lot of our
members too about very similar situations.
So can you start from the beginning about your childhood,
your family, your parents, dynamic stuff like that?
Yeah, so I'm one of five. I'm the middle child, and we
were raised in Orange County, California, and a very
prestigious upbringing. And my dad was a workaholic.
So we actually had two homes, one by his hospital since he was
on call like seven days a week. And then a larger home in Laguna
Niguel, where all five of us were kind of under my mom's care
a lot. And I just remember seeing the
rage and anger from her, like, like I said, early on when he
was working a lot. But I feel like it's a woman,
when you marry a doctor or an attorney or anything like that,
you kind of know that they're not going to be around the house
a lot. But she almost used that as a
manipulation to become a victim of some sort as early as I can
remember. So a lot of rage from her all
the time, a lot of walking on egg shells.
And I just remember the deep desire to always be closer to my
dad or, you know, to go up to the other house near the
hospital and spend more time there to always felt safer.
But my mom is a narcissist. Very manipulating, very
convincing. These women are just so
convincing. And I get a lot of comments on
my Instagram. Go ahead.
Did you want to say something? Oh no, I was just going to say
it is. It's actually scary when you
live it. Like they're so convincing that
it's scary. And so, of course, the kids
don't stand a chance. But I think on the other side of
that, the flip side of that, it's like, you know, when you
have a child and that baby, like that's the the person they were,
you know, grew inside of. So what other choice would they
have but to believe them and, and, you know, being molded by
everything they say. So it's like really scary, but
it's like, well, that's all they know, you know, I don't know.
Yeah, and I get a lot of comments on some of the reels I
make on Instagram. Like, how?
Why did you believe her? Like, you know, isn't it obvious
that your dad's a nice guy? You really don't because when
you're so young and brainwashed from such an early age, that is
your belief moving forward. You know what happens with
everything? Like some religions, whatever
your mom says is kind of like, wow.
So I, I feel like we were all brainwashed to kind of side with
her and feel bad for her all the time.
You know, like it was just, I want to say, kind of like a
cult. I felt like we were all just
kind of trying to accommodate her at all times.
And if she wasn't happy, no one was.
I totally think those families fall into cult like status.
There's no other way they feel loyal and they it's beyond the
loyalty bind at that point. How long did you live with both
parents before your parents divorced?
Kind of walk us through that. Yeah, So we all stayed at the
larger home and I think I was around 7:00 when we they started
like their separation and their drama.
And that's when I noticed a lot of screaming, a lot of name
calling from my mom to my dad whenever he'd come home to like
check on the House or check on us or spend time with us.
I just remember her saying bastard like all the time
screaming that word, screaming at him for leaving, you know,
for an epidural or whatever he was doing.
And I felt like that was normal. Everyone's like, don't you think
that that was weird? And I'm like no, cuz how you
were raised. It's just you think it's.
Normal. Yeah.
So, so it was about 7:00 or 8:00 and then they separated and from
there, I don't know if you guys have been through parents that
divorce, but it's kind of blurry when you're that young, like
everything, you kind of start forgetting everything because
your brains trying to save itself really.
So I just remember like separation, argument, divorce
happening really quickly, and then two very different homes,
you know, and my oldest brother ended up going with my dad and
all four of us stayed with my mom.
Wait, how did y'all decide that? Like did you get to pick where
you went to go live or because you were young so they separated
y'all the system did. Yeah, no.
So the oldest one got to choose because I think he was of age to
choose. And then four of us stayed with
my mom, but she was quite happy about because she received a
large sums of child support. And my mom is like all about
money. Any way she can get it, anyone
she can cross, she uses that, you know, syrupy sweet smile and
all that to get money. But that's another story.
So she got child support for all four of us and lived very well,
but we were completely neglected.
My dad had no idea he was writing these checks, and we
weren't getting fed or clothed or anything.
So that's when I felt like I officially went into survival
mode, you know, and just yearn for my dad.
But I wasn't allowed to say that, and that was a tough part.
Were you still seeing your dad at that point?
Was it 5050 once they got divorced?
Or did she kind of like alienate you away from even spending time
with him? It was every other weekend, but
then it went to one weekend and then I just kind of fell off.
So it was just very fast. The more custody she got of us,
the less or the more money she got.
So that was her main focus. And even if we did, I know my
sister and my brother wanted to move with my dad and we weren't
allowed. It was just my older brother.
So yeah, that was rough, especially as you dip into like
11/12/13. And then eventually my dad got
remarried and that's where the stepmom comes in.
And then the real rage started from my mom, you know, the
jealousy, the name calling with her, the nasty, you know, the
the message machines we used to have in the kitchen or whatever.
Yeah, I just remember being at my dad's the last few times and
hearing the answering machine go off and she'd be just screaming.
Oh my gosh, I still remember that.
Like you bastard, like F you for remarrying that bitch or
marrying that bitch, you know, all that stuff.
So. They seem to.
Have like 10. Yeah, there you go.
Yeah, exactly. And there seems to be something
that triggers something within a bio mom.
And we mentioned this before, but when they have a little bit
of crazy in them, when that ex-husband remarries, it just
rings it up a notch. You know, they really unleash
the crazy from within. And there's something about
like, they want to have their cake and eat it too, or they
never thought the ex-husband would remarry.
And all of a sudden there's this, like, there's just this
like, force this, they can't, you know, control that's coming
in and maybe taken over their spot or whatever it is.
And it's sick. It's a sick twisted like
jealousy issue honestly. Especially when there are
narcissists like those two combined, it's just like fire
because they need all the attention.
They need like all of everything.
So of course, at that age, so I didn't even know what narcissism
is or was, you know, back then. And I don't know, I was just
trying to figure everything out. But you can't at that age.
So you just, you know, accept what you're taught.
Really. Yeah.
So it's like, what other choice do you have?
What age do you think that you started to, like, kind of
believe what your mom was saying?
Like, did you ever go through a period of time where you're
like, yeah, my dad is apos? Like, I do not want to be around
him because a lot of children who are alienated that, you
know, stepmoms we've talked to, like, they don't want to be with
dad anymore because they've been so brainwashed.
Did you ever go through a period of time like that or you always
had this deep yearning to be with him?
I always kind of had a deep yearning because I felt like in
my gut I knew better. So yeah, I just always wanted
that relationship with him. But then she kind of, when he
got married, immediately was like making claims that he had
an affair before that and that's why they married faster.
And so for years it was just like, he's such a cheating
bastard when she was the one that initiated the divorce and
went through with a divorce. So it's there's so many lies now
that I look back at it and inconsistencies that you don't
notice when you're younger. So it went into the story that I
believed for decades until I sat down three, you know, dad three
years ago that he did cheat and like left the family and left us
abandoned and all that stuff, when in reality, no, no, that
was true. So it's that was tough to
swallow. It's very commonly not the case.
You'd be surprised. Well, you're probably not
surprised, but so many people are like the men always leave.
They actually don't always. It's a lot of the times it's
biomom, but tell. Us.
They're pushed out too, you know.
Oh yeah. Oh, for sure.
And sometimes they leave. It is healthier for the kids,
too. So that's, Oh yeah, If you're
dealing with crazies, save the kids.
But can you get into your relationship with your stepmom,
what that looked like, How was it starting out, and then how
did it go into? Yeah, unfortunately it was
really rough starting out. As I said, she had older kids.
I believe they were graduating high school and going into
college and we were all I think like 13 or 14 and younger, the
youngest being maybe like 5. So it kind of, she took on a
lot, I think more than she knew she could chew.
So I was never close to her. I think me being the oldest
girl, dad always just loved me to death and kind of gave us
whatever we want to be honest, like and you know, go to
Toys-R-Us and get whatever you want.
And, and I think she found she was jealous a lot, you know,
whereas my younger sister, they bonded more.
Maybe she was like less of a threat.
I I don't know what it was exactly, but I never really got
to bond with her, even though I was desperate too.
Because again, that's kind of like a gateway to get closer to
my dad as well, right? But yeah, for whatever reason,
it was my sister really connected with her, but the rest
of the four did not. And I don't think she had a deep
desire. I think it's so important when
you become that stepmom and you take that role, that you
actually do have that desire, A, to respect your husband, right?
And then, B, for the sake of the kids mental health, you know?
So that was something I didn't feel like was coming from her.
So do you feel like as you've gotten older, maybe like your
perspective has changed a little bit since maybe because I know
you have biological kids too. I just know that for my mom, she
had a stepmom, but she was also a stepmom.
And so now looking back, you know, she's like, she was just
doing the best she can or she could, you know, like now that
she's older, she's like now in retrospect, I see that.
Do you, do you feel like that or you really feel like she just
didn't have a desire to get to know you?
I think it could be a mix of both and I know she had a lot of
things going on, like maybe some depression or something.
So I think she was trying to keep her own world intact.
At the same time, you know, she had kids and she had an
ex-husband as well. So I don't know.
I just feel like there was no connection with us.
I feel like she tried her best that she could, but you know, it
just didn't, it didn't go through.
So not that she's a bad person for it, I was never
disrespectful to her, but. Yeah, good.
We like you. Yeah.
Now my brothers, on the other hand, they threw down.
Oh, no. And, and yeah, we have that all
the time. A lot of it is so like,
developmental. And it's just like the stepmom
just becomes like the punching bag.
It's like kids are already, you know, testing boundaries and
being disrespectful to parents. And it's like, then the stepmom
walks and it's like, oh, I can really try to see if I test my
boundaries with you and be disrespectful.
So no, we totally understand. So was there a period of time
when you and your dad just completely stopped talking?
Yeah, so he actually moved to Indiana from California with my
stepmom. Well, they got married and she
told him I'm moving back to my hometown and you can come or
not. So that was what got sticky.
And so he was kind of forced, I guess, to relocate.
We were offered to visit and we did that one or two times, but
again, it was just kind of awkward and stuff.
So I went back to California obviously, and just had, you
know, my mom feeding me all of these things that I was
absorbing and kind of gruesome resentment for him moving and
leaving in the 1st place. And I know it wasn't his idea
and it caught him completely off guard after they got married.
I think that was kind of part of her plan.
So that's, that gave me a little bit of anger for her for sure
and him leaving. But yes, I was offered to visit
him, but I kind of just pulled back at that point and spent
years not seeing him, not talking to him.
So that's where the distance kind of grew.
Did you get thrown into years and years of therapy as a child
like when you just court ordered?
Or did they, you know, say, I wish, I guess it's probably not
because if you were with the brainwasher, they never want to
send you to therapy. No, they don't want you exposed
to tools that would possibly, you know, allow you to see the
shit they're doing. But I, I think I went to one or
two sessions so she could tell probably the courts or my dad
that we were going to therapy. But maybe 2 sessions.
I remember 1, still remember his name.
Feel like I needed that so bad later in life.
Fast way forward at 39, you know, that's when I started
figuring things out in therapy and I'm like, oh shit, you know?
Seriously, I know it's like, wild.
Yes, it's not fun, that's for sure.
No, it's so painful, but it's just eye opening and that's what
kind of started this journey and Instagram and the relationship
with my dad was the therapy and the tools which later led to me
disconnecting with my mom so. So tell us the good part.
When did you start reconnecting with your dad?
Like what did that look like? Did you text him, call him?
Like how did that happen? It was kind of like health
driven. So he was having a lot of heart
issues. And so all, let's see, I think
there were four or five of us at that point that went out to
Indiana for his procedure. And at that point, my stepmom
was so deep in her dementia, I hate to say it, but it was
actually very light and happy. And you know, we were all such a
family. And I think that's when I
started to really miss him. So I want to say that was 5 or 6
years ago. And then his wife ended up
passing and I called him and I'm like, and we weren't talking
that much. At this point.
I'm like, Dad, I'm moving you back to California because
there's just no way I want him out there alone.
He was just going to retire out there by himself.
Keep working. And like I said, he's a
workaholic. And I said, no, I'm moving you
into my community. You don't even have to move in
with me. You can get your own place.
And that's when, like, it was such God's timing, honestly,
because I was finishing up my two or three years of therapy at
that point, and everything was kind of starting to make sense.
So it was literally just perfect timing on every end.
I disconnected with my mom before I had reconnected with my
dad, which was cool. So I didn't switch up one parent
for the other. I made a healthy decision with
my mom and it opened doors over here, you know?
So that was just so much fun. He lives with you now?
No, I said. Yeah.
I moved him into my neighborhood.
Yeah, 'cause he likes his independence.
He's still, like, fully capable. He plays tennis.
And if they have three kids? Bring him in.
Oh yeah, I would have loved that.
In fact, if we do another session, he's so sweet.
He's like the sweetest guy. He's so funny.
So he lives a couple streets down for me and he comes over
every night for dinner and that is so cool.
That's so cool cuz he's. Sad, that's so sweet.
Yeah, and it's like instant best friends.
And when he did move here and he lost his wife and all that, you
bet we sat down and had that conversation like, Dad, why did
you leave? Dad, what really happened?
When was this affair? Like, I want to know all the
facts. And it was so crazy when you sit
down with someone and ask these questions.
How different things are, you know, than you thoughts for
three decades? I mean, that's crazy.
That's so much of your life, so. Yeah, yeah.
It's so much time. You can't.
You can't get back, you know. No.
So many developmental years that like someone else takes away
from this innocent child and I'm sure it's just affected you so
much. I want to go back a little bit
though. You said you disconnected with
your mom before you reconnected with your dad.
Do you mind sharing a little bit about how that came about?
Yeah, that's a great question. So I was in with my therapist,
and from early on, I think within the first year, she was
kind of hinting like, you know, what if you gave your mom some
distance, what if you didn't share so much, but if you didn't
try? I used to take my mom on all
these trips because again, she was very desperate for money and
a nice lifestyle because she still doesn't have money.
So she was kind of hinting, you know?
Maybe you should pull back. And I'm like, you're crazy.
She's not the problem. It's my brother, it's my sister.
It's this. And then two years in, I was
like, Oh my God, I see where you're coming from as my mom
would just constantly use me. And then by the third year, I
was like, her name's Aaron. She's an amazing life coach.
I'm like, Aaron, I think I'm going to disconnect with my mom.
And I just saw the light in her eyes, like finally in my life
got so much better girls. It was just the curtain open.
I, I didn't have that feeling in my gut every day, 'cause you
don't know, you're being used by your mom, you know what I mean,
'cause she loves you and she's the one that's always there for
you. Your dad never was all this, you
know, bullshit. So it was like opening a gate
and I was like, free. And I'll be honest, there are
times where you doubt yourself. I think women doubt themselves
so much more than they should in every aspect for sure.
Oh my God. Yeah.
So I doubted that. Yeah, I doubted that for a
while. And then no, no, no, no.
It's just so apparent that like, I'm just so much happier and
healthy. Did you have like a conversation
with her? Like, hey, mom, like and like,
what was that like? I can't imagine like, you know,
you're cutting off your mom. When we were little, we got
college checks for my grandma, who I was very close to.
And without knowing it, she went and cashed all of the kids
checks and used all of that money from all five kids for I
don't know what. So I sat her down and I said,
mom, I really want to keep a relationship with you.
But one thing that's always bothered me and I want to clear
it up because this is like on my checklist is I want that money
back. And it's not about the money.
It's not about anything. And her response was, your name
was on the check, but that was not your money to begin with.
And then she, yeah, we went back and forth a little bit.
And she goes, you know what, Megan?
I feel so bad for you. You're going to need some better
therapy. And it was such a gaslighting
moment and so twisted to make it look like, like every other time
that something was wrong with me, that that was the cut off
crazy, yes, that. And I was always made to feel
like something was wrong with me, not her.
And I think that's, again, a lot of narcissists.
And that was the point. I was like, you know what, I'm
done with this, 'cause you're trying to make my head spin and
I'm not going to go down that road again.
And I said, yeah, I'm done. So.
I hate to hear that. It was all this time until four
or five years ago. We can't let my husband find out
because he's like, oh, when they turn 18, they'll turn the page.
It's like, sorry, buddy, I don't think so.
I don't think they should come running back and have this big
epiphany, a realization of what's really going on and you
know, who really was there for them the whole time.
But you know, we can hope, right?
We can dream. If you're your step kids, is
that correct who you're talking about?
Yes. I would highly, highly recommend
if you can get them in therapy like I everybody asked me, like
what's your advice? I want to see my kids so bad,
like I'm dying. I'm desperate.
You know, I get DMS every day. And my advice is get them in
therapy because it really opens their mind.
It truly does. They're hearing everything from
their mom right now, you know what I mean?
Yeah, absolutely. Oh, for sure.
And their minds are still being molded.
They're easily moldable, but they do obviously have a loyalty
bind as most children do. And so I think when kids are
worked off of the loyalty bind, when a parent sees that
vulnerability and decides to act on the loyalty bind, they really
don't stand a chance. And especially I feel like it
does usually happen in mom's households because the dads are
usually more passive. They're just like the play
buddy. They don't link into that
emotional connection, you know, so it's harder to really suck in
that kid and that vulnerable state, unfortunately.
It's just so sick how it all sounds.
And I feel like dad's really, I mean, everyone's so into this
like man hating thing on Instagram, especially like
Gilman are so stupid. I feel like they really get the
brunt of this. Like they lose all connection
with their kids. You know, their old relationship
is no longer there. I mean, to lose a relationship
with your kids, could you imagine if it was like turned
around? Holy crap.
Like I just feel bad for them. Yeah, no, definitely.
I have something like that in my own, like, personal life.
And what I found is it was the other parent alienating, but it
was also a lot of like the extended family.
Did you ever experience that? Like were your grandparents like
ever like bad mouthing your dad and stepmom to you and, and
brainwashing you in that capacity too?
Because I think from a stepmom's point of view for a listen, I
it's like, not only does, you know, dad get alienated, the
stepmom does too. Who wants to be in the child's
life? And it's like, we're just the
scapegoat. So it's like the grandparents
are saying things, the aunts and uncles are saying things like,
Oh, your dad just married this woman.
And so I was curious if that was part of your story as well.
Absolutely. Cousins like aunts, uncles, not
so much. My grandma, she was like an
amazing queen who since passed. She just spoke well of everyone
but the aunts, uncles, cousins. Oh yeah, your dad, you know,
such a loser. Like he was always such a
workaholic. Never around your whole
childhood. Just got remarried.
By the way. I don't know if you girls agree,
but I feel like the men always get remarried faster than the
woman, so that's just like kind of more natural.
That's just what happens. I don't.
Know why? Really, I'd love to hear more
about that. Situation.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and talk about that, but
for sure, cousins, aunts, uncles, yeah.
So I wanted to talk a little bit about how it's like affected you
and in your relationships today and how you've seen all this
like manifest in your everyday life.
Like do you struggle with trusting people?
Yeah, tell me about your trust issues.
Like for real you have you? Know I don't have when you're in
that kind of survival mode for so long, you learn to read
people very well. So I find that kind of a gift
from the situation. It's not that I don't trust
people, it's that I'm very selective in who I let in and
release some energy to, if that makes sense.
So versus like being, you know, I have two very solid close
friends and I have like tennis friends and this and that, but I
would never exert energy on people that don't give me the
same energy back or the same, you know, I'm very, I just, I'm
just picky and not standoffish. Sorry, it's the friendship ATM.
Yes. If they only invest so much in
you, you can't even withdraw anymore.
Like there's only so much I can give back.
It's yeah. And is it quality stuff that
they're even giving you? You know, so I, I, I don't feel
like I have trust issues by any means.
I'm just like more selective on where I put my time.
And it's amazing because what you receive back, it's just so
wholesome and real and, you know, not light and fluffy.
So I don't know. That's what I love.
So dealing with kiddos at home that have, you know, a certain
thought process, I guess I'll say, about how his their father
is and how their stepmom is. It concerns me that lots of
times I worry that they're muted.
Like they can't feel like they can defend themselves or stand
up for themselves because they have such a loyalty to mom.
But do you remember ever feeling like you know when your mom
would say that stuff about your dad that you would want to stand
up for him or say like mom stop, but you were scared to?
Did you feel like you couldn't? Terrified.
Oh, terrified. Yeah.
She'd have this, like, look, I don't know if your mom's ever
had it, but like, they would just look at you and I would
just shiver. I was so scared of her.
She just instilled this deep fear.
Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I wouldn't dare say
anything. No.
So I remember. So.
You know, it's like, what girl doesn't want their dad to like
every girl wants her dad and wants to stick up for him.
But it would be, I'd be in deep shit if I said anything and I
just remember always being scared.
Holy hell. How?
How did your relationship with your mom and dad I guess compare
with your siblings? I feel like when a family's
going through that, the mom always kind of pins the kids
against each other in some sense.
So I felt like it was a a fighting ground a few while she
was very codependent with the boys and asked for support and
comfort through them in a sick way.
And then the girls were kind of left to fend for themselves.
Like, I never had school clothes.
I was bullied in middle school 'cause I was wearing my
brother's clothes. We never had food.
Even though she was raking in money every month.
I know exactly how much she was getting, and in the 90s it was
way more than most families had and I saw none of it.
So. And here's my dad on the other
side of the US, thinking he's fully supporting us in every
way. Thinking you guys are all right,
yeah. Yes, in a private school.
She had pulled us from the private schools and he thought
we were still in them and she was using that money for other
stuff, so it's crazy. Did you ever get to call him and
check in with him? Or could he ever call you and
check in where you you could say like, hey, I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah. Max No.
Yeah, I just need some like Del Taco Dad.
Yeah, I could. I always felt like I, it wasn't
like I couldn't, it would just be frowned upon and she would
take it as I don't love her or you know what I mean.
It was. Just or you felt like you had to
choose or something I've seen. Yes.
With some stepmoms we've talked to, it's like they always had
access to their dad, but they, they like, distance themselves
in a way because they were told such a negative narrative that
they didn't want to and they were scared to hurt their mom,
you know, And it sounds like even if your mom was a
narcissist like you, still you didn't want to hurt her.
Like you're a good person, you know, no one wants to hurt
people for the most part. Stepmoms, how are you coping
with transition day? I'll tell you how I am.
I'm lighting my big ass candles to calm my big ass anxieties and
honestly it changes the whole mood of the house.
Same chaos, just calmer vibes and way better energy.
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We see it in a member that we talked with for one on ones that
their stepson is not allowed to respond to text messages from
stepmom and bio dad. But it's like you are damned if
you do not reach out to bio mom on your weeks with dad.
You are in trouble. They're going to come back and
have backlash from it, you know, and they're actually rewarded
when they go over to my mom's house and they give information
about dad's house. They're rewarded with treats.
So now there's an unhealthy food habit system.
And so it's just like balance of, you know, their loyalty, but
then a reward that comes with it.
And like you said, that scary eyes, you know, I'm sure that
it's something like that, that like you have the reward or you
can have the scary eyes. Yeah, it is a lot to like
choosing sides. Yeah.
So I think he was available to talk to, but I was just
terrified too. Funny enough, my brother just
died like 2 weeks ago. My oldest brother of a heart
attack. Oh, my gosh, yeah.
Terrible. It was terrible.
But we all went to the funeral, of course, right.
And I hadn't seen my mom in so long.
And I can count the number of people at the funeral that she
still had communication with. And it was one.
It was her boyfriend that she brought.
Everybody else had cut her off. And imagine this large family
gathering, even your. Brother.
Yes, even your brother that passed, he hadn't.
Yes, no, he was the first to lose communication.
I was the 2nd. And what I noticed before this
podcast is it went down from oldest to youngest that stopped
talking to her. Coincidentally, that's just how
it went. But I bring up the story because
I saw her at the funeral and it had been years and she she was
trying to give me that same evil eye.
But I you know when you feel it. From your nightmares.
Oh yes. Because I wasn't responding to
her. She's like Megan and I would
just I had, I didn't even want to give her the eye contact
because it was my energy that I was not going to give away.
And I just felt it. And honestly, like your entire
childhood just flashes in front of you like, Oh my God, that was
what I felt for so many years. You know, it's just was she?
She was welcome at the funeral or was it kind of like y'all had
preferred she not be there? Yeah, yeah.
I was literally thinking that, Alyssa, because I was like, how
does that work when people die? Like if you're alienated or a
strange, like, do you still go to the funeral?
Like, are you going to go to her funeral, you know?
I think we all would have preferred her not there, as sad
as that sounds, but my deceased brother's wife is such a lovely
woman that she invited her. So that was that.
That was her decision and we all respect it.
And you know, it was just, it's like reliving your childhood,
that hour in the room with someone you've cut off.
It's just thick. It's a thick room.
So it's thick, Yeah. The tension you can cut with a
knife. I love that.
But then somehow those eye glare lasers make it through the the
thickness. And they say 1000 things in the
that glare. You know what I mean?
Yeah, much control and it's almost scary, you know what I
mean? So.
For sure scary. That's probably the only way to
put it to I want to backtrack a little bit to where you said
that she just doesn't have her village anymore.
She's lost her relationships and her connections, whether it be
from, you know, narcissistic behavior or whatever it is her,
the truth coming out like we all hope will happen eventually,
right with our step kids and anyone that's brainwashed.
But yeah, we definitely have heard of similar stories
somewhere. You know, it's like they lose
their whole family and the family is now best friends with
bio dad. They're writing letters to the
court in bio dad's favor against their own family, which is bio
mom, you know, and it's sad, but it's so true.
And I think that could be something that stepmoms, you
know, and bio dads everywhere need to really be leaning into.
And, you know, if you see that happening, what are we going to
do to act on that and show that this is a real thing?
They alienate everyone around them against them.
These people eventually go away. Lots of them are adults.
And they're like, I can see with my own two eyes.
You can't alienate me. And what I wanted to say too is
now that I look back, I always felt safer with my stepmom than
I ever did with my mom. Even though we didn't have that
connection, I just felt way safer and just more taken care
of. Well, none of my basic needs
were met with my mom, so you know, obviously, but it was
just. Thank you for saying that,
because. I wanted 2 girls.
To like we question ourselves so much and a lot of our stepmom,
you know, community, they are the full time stepmom and they
question like, am I doing enough?
Like even if we're not super close, like is this
relationship, are they seeing, you know, the positive effects
of me caring for this child everyday?
Like do they feel safe with me like you were saying?
So I appreciate that. I did want to talk a little bit
about this because you and I kind of talked a little bit on
the side about this. You talked about your brother
who not the 1-2 weeks ago but previously who passed from the
disease of addiction and how you know.
I wanted to hear your thoughts and perspective on how you think
this whole thing of parent alienation might have played a
role in this. Oh my gosh, that is the best
question that you could have asked me because I felt like it
played the entire role. And I still talk to my siblings
about this. He was perfectly set up for an
addiction by my mom. And I think being alienated as a
little boy from your dad takes away so much direction in your
life. And it was just like he was a
lost sheep after that divorce because he was kept from dad, I
think. I feel like boys need a male
role model for sure. And he didn't have that.
He had that codependent relationship of saving my mom
from her own emotions 24/7. And that's a lot of
responsibility. Yeah.
On a little boy or a little girl, whatever it may be.
And that threw him into addiction immediately.
I mean he was like 11 or 12 when he first tried drinking.
So no, my stepson just turned 11 or is about to turn 11.
So I'm like terrified. Not that I think he's such a
good kid, like a rule follower, but that terrifies me.
But I agree completely that little boys, you said to, you
know, every little girl wants their dad, they want their
daddy. There's just something I can't
give my daughter that my husband can, you know, but they're it is
a fight that I put up for my 10, basically 11 year old.
I say that because he acts like he's 20.
He's very like mentally mature. And so he internalizes, but he
really needs his father. He's going through puberty.
I would think this isn't a conversation you want to have
with, you know, a stepdad. I'm certainly not going to have
that conversation with him. But you, your mom, never
remarried when you were with her.
No, because then she couldn't come out of that victim role.
You know she was. She was like my.
Momma's five kids. I'm not even joking.
Yeah. And so we go.
I just remember going around to restaurants or, you know,
whenever we were out at church. Oh, you know, I feel so bad for
you. You're raising these kids by
yourself. And just hearing that sympathy
from everyone all the time. It was just, I'm like, this
doesn't feel right at all. So now she never remarried.
Nope. Interesting.
Yeah. And that's weird.
How do the bio moms that do remarry, what's their sympathy
card? What are they playing, you know?
I don't know. Yeah.
So it was interesting. She wanted out so bad but never
got remarried. So it just doesn't make sense to
me. Yeah, that is really
interesting. And you would think that you
would just like, want to move on and be happy too, you know, and
experience that again. But what now that you've
experienced all of this, what do you wish that even your dad,
what do you wish your dad, your mom or stepmom or just other
safe adults knew back then? What do you wish looking back on
that? It's so funny because people now
say, Megan, I had, they come up to me now, like I wish I knew.
Like I never knew you guys were going through that.
I never knew you didn't have clothes or like food.
I just wish people knew how helpless we were, but we
couldn't really speak up. I mean, it was abuse because we
would get reprimanded heavily. I wish, I wish they knew that
they should be asking more questions.
You know what I mean? They were always asking my mom
how she was doing, but like, none of us.
And we, they just had no idea. So it's just funny when you get
divorced and everyone is asking like the mom, like, how are you?
Like, is everything OK? But no one talks, No one asks
the kids. I don't even know if I would
answer honestly if they did. You know, back then, yeah,
'cause. You probably didn't feel safe
enough to. Yeah.
So I just, I wish safe adults would just ask more questions
like I wish my dad and my stepmom would have you know, are
you 2 guys feel safe at home? Are you getting fed basics like?
That I have a question for stepmoms out there.
And if a child seems like distant or cold, kind of
withdrawn and a stepmoms red flags are raised that maybe the
step kiddo has a little bit alienation or is kind of, you
know, stuck in this blind to mom.
And what would you want stepmoms to understand and maybe advice
for bio dads how to act on this when you know, most of the time
we're tied by court systems so there's only so much we can do.
Terrible. Yeah.
I feel like the court systems to like automatically give the mom
to so much free rein. Like what should they do to take
action when we kind of can't take much action?
It's hard because you don't want that child going back to the mom
and being like, oh, stepmom sat me down or dad took me to lunch
and asked like if I was OK. It's such a fine line, right?
But I think you absolutely have that right when it comes to like
safety. And you should never let the,
the moms, you know, the mom's opinion or scared the child will
go back to the mom, stop you from asking those basic
questions to make sure they're, they'll never forget that
they'll never forget their stepmom taking them out to lunch
and asking, hey, do you feel safe at home?
Is everything OK? Are you happy?
I want to make sure you're happy that if someone did that to me
and my stepmom or my dad or someone took, Oh my God, my, I
would probably fall on the floor crying honestly.
And just like, lay everything out.
Oh, and what about if CPS came and asked that too?
Would you really start believing it?
That would, yeah, that would be, I don't know, I think I'd be too
terrified. But if you know, a stepmom or
dad or aunt, uncle, I would absolutely, I think just cripple
and tell everything. I didn't even know I was keeping
secrets at that point. You just kind of live in
survival, like, Oh my God, I don't want her mad at me, so I'm
going to shut up. It's just bananas.
But I love that question 'cause it just shows how authentic you
ladies are as women and as stepmoms that you would even ask
that. It's just it shows a lot of
your. Personality.
We just need help. You guys do what you do.
We can't. Well, we see it.
Yeah, we've. Both have seen it in our own
experiences. And then so many stepmoms come
to us and they're like, my stepchild is disrespectful.
You know, they seem cold, they seem distant.
And a lot of it, we believe is a lot of brainwashing from the
other household. But as stepmoms, we're the one
taking care of them. We're the ones doing these
things. So we're like, how can we best
respond and navigate these challenges?
Step kids are kind of being disrespectful, but we think it
might be from brainwashing. Like, what do we do to help?
Because we don't, we don't know, you know?
And it's crazy because their brains aren't fully developed,
they're getting fed things all day from one person and they're
not exposed to any treatment or therapy.
So they're not healing in a sense.
So I would just patience and love.
And that's like all you can do in consistency.
If you're consistent with them, that goes so far.
I just think that's something they'll remember the rest of
their lives. Consistency and love and
acceptance even I just couldn't imagine being disrespected and
what to do with that. But again, these, their brains
aren't developed. They're, they're put in the
middle of a war really between two people and it's just not
fair. I was put in that position, you
know, and it was you have to survive really in the middle.
It's terrible. It's extremely hard to navigate
and there's no one answer for everything.
I'm always saying this but there's just No2 situations are
the same. Even your brainwashed story from
another one, there's so many gaps and different stories that
it's like each one has to kind of navigate it on their own.
But I, I just really appreciate that you are finally, I'm so
happy that you get to live your best life now with your dad
because you guys look like you're literally thriving.
You're happening to your best time.
You. Guys are so fun.
There's so much healing in it too, just like, and I don't want
to say I'm raising my kids any different, but I'm just so much
more aware and appreciative of like small things just because
now I'm like a healed person, you know what I mean?
Or in the process of healing versus 10 years ago when I was
still kind of in survival mode trying to figure everything out.
Now I really have the support of my dad and we're so close.
He's so funny. He's so sweet, honest and direct
where I came from. Chaos, lies and manipulation.
It's just so refreshing and I truly wishes for every young
girl to get close to their dad because they need them so bad.
I feel bad seeing all these girls on Instagram that just
don't like their dad or you know, talk to them in 20 years
or think they need them. Yeah, no, definitely.
What would you say to those dads that feel like their kids are
being turned against them? I get this question every day.
I would say never. Oh, I've run into people who
have seen, you know, my handle and they're like, what should I
do? I would tell them to stay
consistent and never stop trying.
And if they can get into therapy with their kiddo, it will save
so many years of distance and just disaster.
So never stop trying is what I always tell the dads.
And two, if you can get into any type of therapy with them, it's
just hard because the mom blocks all that, right?
Because it's to her disadvantage.
They'd rather the child be confused than healthy,
unfortunately. So for sure, never stop trying
because they'll come back. A child will come back if they
have the tools to figure it out. It's when they don't have the
tools that it gets really Gray. So.
Yeah, I'm glad you mentioned that when they have the tools
and and that's the hard part about these like traumatic
situations in childhood is because they're never taught the
tools in childhood and then they grow up to be adults.
And not everyone is, as you know, lucky as you are or, you
know, as introspective. You you realized, OK, I have
some things I need to do some inner work on and and look where
you are now. So thank you so much for being
here today. I just wanted to ask one last
question. What would be your advice to,
you know, stepmoms who are really navigating this whole,
you know, concept of alienation in their homes?
What would be like your one piece of advice for them?
Just to love hard on them. And I know that's so hard and so
broad, but all these kids and I really think humans are looking
for connection and love. So if you stay again, consistent
with that and just it's hard because we have our own hiccups,
you know, and we have our own healing to do.
So it's hard being consistent with that.
But just love hard on them and because they need that so bad
and patience too. If you can give a little
patience and that's that's what I would recommend.
So what a great question by the way.
Yeah. Thank you.
Thank you so much for being here with us today.
Of course, you guys, this was so fun and thank you for everything
you do and for you know, always trying to absorb and find new
information to help others. I just.
Really appreciate that. Yeah.
Thank you. Yeah.
See you. See you next week, everyone.
Stepmoms. That's it for this week on
Stepmom Side Chats. We're Alyssa and Becca, your
stepmom besties. Before you go, if something we
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