1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,640 Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom Side Chats. 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:10,480 We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca, 2. 3 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:13,720 Stepmoms who are done pretending everything's perfect. 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,160 This is where we talk. Boundaries, PO parenting, hard 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,680 truths, healing and the stuff. Nobody. 6 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,960 Says out loud. If you're ready for real talk, 7 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,040 real growth. And a little. 8 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:26,960 Bit of spice, Let's get into it. Hey, how you doing this week? 9 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:30,440 Welcome back. Welcome back, everyone. 10 00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:32,920 I'm doing good. How are you doing this week? 11 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,240 You know, I'm hanging in there. It was. 12 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:38,360 This week was a doozy. Really. 13 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:43,240 OK, so I know, I know you had mediation this week and so. 14 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:44,840 We did, I don't. Have your mediation. 15 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,760 I'm vertical. That's a great way to. 16 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:49,920 Start. I'm vertical and that's all I 17 00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:52,080 can hope for at this point. It was. 18 00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:57,120 So draining, just that's without getting into details of like 19 00:00:57,120 --> 00:01:00,560 what we went through and what we experienced and stuff and what 20 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:03,680 we decided on. It didn't go great in our favor, 21 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,040 but it definitely was not worst case scenario. 22 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,720 But yeah, it's very draining. It went for so long. 23 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,680 I would not wish this on my worst enemy. 24 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,560 Well, maybe, but. It's just. 25 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:19,520 You know, it starts at 9:00 AM and you would think that, you 26 00:01:19,520 --> 00:01:22,640 know, mediation is like an hour or. 2 because it's. 27 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:24,880 Like you're avoiding court. Right. 28 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,320 So you're like, oh, this has to be like. 29 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,160 Shorter than court. I mean, we were not done till 30 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,520 6:00 PM. So imagine, you know, we were in 31 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,400 fight or flight mode from 9:00 AM to 6:00 PM. 32 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:40,720 So my body was shot after and I think I'm just trying to. 33 00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:44,120 Recover, but yeah, we just so people that. 34 00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,600 Aren't in the court system know what mediation is? 35 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,800 Mediation is. How? 36 00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:52,600 You can come to an agreement with the other party while 37 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,920 avoiding court. So that's best case scenario and 38 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:59,280 hopefully, you know, you can come to an agreement. 39 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:02,320 Sometimes they warned us, sometimes you don't, and then 40 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:03,520 you have to go to court. So you have to. 41 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,720 Pay this big mediation fee and then you also. 42 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:08,560 Still have to go to court after which is like horrible. 43 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:10,400 So we were trying to avoid that, of course. 44 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:14,200 And yeah, there's a mediator. Literally mediator and he. 45 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,960 Goes back and forth between rooms and this day and age we 46 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,400 get to do everything via Zoom, which is. 47 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,240 Fabulous. So wait. 48 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:26,200 So I'm not really familiar with mediation too much, but so you 49 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:29,240 don't? See the other party per SE like 50 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:31,240 you guys are. Just in separate rooms the whole 51 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:32,960 entire time. Right. 52 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,840 And that's. Part of it because it's like a 53 00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,440 trigger, which is the topic for this week which. 54 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:40,160 Couldn't be more. Appropriate, but yeah, they. 55 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,000 Keep their rooms. Separate so that this is. 56 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,920 Strictly business, This is what I hound on and I've been 57 00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:47,360 preaching is that this is a business transaction. 58 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:50,560 We've got to remove the emotions from it to get down to like. 59 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,360 What's best for the? Children and not what's. 60 00:02:53,360 --> 00:02:54,400 Best for dad? What's best? 61 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,360 For mom, because at the end of the day, they don't. 62 00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,560 The system is caring for the children, right? 63 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,560 Hopefully. I don't know that. 64 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:04,840 Ours is a little skewed here. In this this town, but. 65 00:03:05,320 --> 00:03:08,360 Yeah. It's it's in a Zoom room that 66 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,600 they invite you to and. Then the mediator. 67 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,320 Goes back and forth between zoom rooms, so it's not like you 68 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:16,280 FaceTime where you see each. Other it's like we see this. 69 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,920 Guy and then he leaves and he comes back and so. 70 00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,640 Yeah, he would he. Came in and said. 71 00:03:21,640 --> 00:03:23,920 This is their offer. And obviously it's BS. 72 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:26,160 We sent in our offer and it was BS. 73 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,320 And then we just went down to the nitty gritty of like, OK, 74 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:29,800 what are we really going to do here? 75 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,960 Because we all ask for. The sun, moon and stars that we 76 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,200 can walk away with. You know, at least just what we 77 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:36,560 came home with. Yeah. 78 00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:39,800 And I don't know how comfortable you feel with sharing, but just 79 00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:43,200 before we get into it, like. How happy. 80 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:47,960 Or I guess maybe discouraged? Do you feel after the? 81 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:52,160 Verdict came out. Yeah, I feel exhausted, that's 82 00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,360 all. It's a lot to take. 83 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,680 There are some big changes. That took place. 84 00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,440 But some are for the better for us, and so I'm happy about that. 85 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,000 And something my husband and I are just reminding each other as 86 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:05,000 we have to remind ourselves of our wins. 87 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,120 You know, there were so many things. 88 00:04:07,120 --> 00:04:09,480 I know you and I were talking. About like the. 89 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:11,720 Number of things that were changed. 90 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:13,440 This is not just about. Custody. 91 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:15,760 It was so. Many things you don't think 92 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,560 about, medical decisions, educational decisions, location, 93 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:22,120 pick up and you know, it's just so much stuff. 94 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,160 I can't even. I can't even. 95 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,360 Yeah, no, it sounds. Like a lot. 96 00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:29,760 It's things that I don't even really think about too much 97 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:32,920 necessarily because we're not really in that phase right now. 98 00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:37,280 But anyways, stepmoms, welcome back to another episode. 99 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:39,880 Today we are going to. Talk all about. 100 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:43,160 Triggers which I'm sure. All of you guys. 101 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,400 Can relate to and so let's get right into Alyssa. 102 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:47,840 Let's go. Ahead and define a. 103 00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,720 Trigger. What is a trigger? 104 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:53,280 Yeah, and this is going to be different for everyone, I feel 105 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,320 like. Right, we all have a. 106 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:58,320 Different feeling in our system would we can identify it. 107 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,040 But it's basically it's. Your emotional reaction, that's. 108 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,720 Tied to a past. Experience. 109 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:06,520 It's not necessarily what's happening right now. 110 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:08,720 It's due to what's. Happening right now, but the 111 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:11,680 trigger in it is something from a past experience. 112 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,440 For instance, typically when stepmoms are triggered by 113 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,520 something from bio mom, we weren't triggered the first 114 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:22,160 time. And so it's because things with 115 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:28,320 bio mom have been bad that now when we see a text, if you see 116 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,560 her name, it's a. Trigger if you hear. 117 00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:31,840 Her name? It's a trigger. 118 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,160 If you. Know that it's time for. 119 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:37,800 Pickup it's a trigger or. You know things like the first 120 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,960 time that you. Picked up your step kids. 121 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:43,800 You weren't triggered, but. Over time, the step kids coming 122 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:47,240 over became a complicated thing or a messy thing. 123 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,600 And so then you have. Triggers before you pick. 124 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,160 Them up. Does that make sense? 125 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:55,080 Yeah, no, definitely, I think. I like this. 126 00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:59,000 Definition that I found when I was researching for our episode. 127 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,960 Earlier this week is. In simple language, they say a 128 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:05,240 trigger is your body reacting before your brain can catch up, 129 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,360 and like you just. Said that it shows up. 130 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:11,560 Differently for everyone, like for me, my heart starts racing 131 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,760 really fast. I feel. 132 00:06:13,760 --> 00:06:18,320 Like I drank 10 cups of coffee. I can't stop pacing back and 133 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:23,040 forth and I can't eat. My appetite is completely. 134 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,680 Gone when I'm triggered and I think in stepmom life like 135 00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:29,760 everyone's trigger is different. Like you were saying, not being 136 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:33,600 included in decisions, feeling invisible in our own home, being 137 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,360 compared to bio mom, being corrected in front of the kids 138 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:39,920 and not being backed up by our partners are all things that you 139 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,480 know. Are triggers for us. 140 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:42,960 I want it. I'm curious because I don't 141 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:43,880 think. You and I have talked. 142 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:47,000 About this I think I might have an idea because obviously we're 143 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,560 friends but. What is like your biggest? 144 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,720 Trigger and stepmom life. Oh, that's so hard. 145 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:55,840 I. Want to? 146 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:59,840 Say, probably the day that the kids. 147 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:04,360 Come back the transition day for me, or even the day. 148 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:06,560 That the kids leave. Because for one, there's 149 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,680 communication between both households, and that usually 150 00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:13,440 sparks some kind of tension between the two for whatever 151 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,080 reason. And so of course, then I hear 152 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:18,800 about it and I'm there to kind of mend the wounds. 153 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:21,400 But also then the kids are coming back. 154 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:25,480 And it's like, OK, what kind of state are the children going to 155 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:27,720 be in? Or the kids are going back to 156 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:31,800 moms And it's like, OK, what is he going to? 157 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,320 What are they going to say to mom? 158 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,960 And then how is it going to be translated to in her brain? 159 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:41,360 And then what's she going to say to my husband about their time 160 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,840 with us, You know, and. To be specific, triggers being. 161 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,320 Triggered is not a weakness. A trigger. 162 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,320 Is a signal. It's a signal in your brain, and 163 00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:53,160 it's kind of like a fight or flight mechanism, but it's your 164 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:56,120 body protecting you from something that you know is going 165 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,760 to be harmful, whether or not the situation is actually going 166 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,120 to be harmful. But in the past, it was harmful 167 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:03,800 to you either mentally, physically, emotionally, you 168 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,640 know, financially. So. 169 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:07,440 Your body is protecting yourself. 170 00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,280 So it's OK to be triggered and we. 171 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:14,640 Just really need to be sure that we're identifying it so that we 172 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,320 can prevent XY and Z that happens. 173 00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:21,680 After you're triggered. But I would think that's that's 174 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:24,720 my biggest trigger is just when they come over or when they're 175 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,440 leaving. What's yours? 176 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,560 Oh gosh. I mean, I probably sound like an 177 00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:32,760 evil stepmom saying this, but there's so many to be honest. 178 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,200 And it's not because we don't love our step. 179 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,760 Kids, we do, we love. Our step kids so much. 180 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:43,039 I think that, I don't know, it's crazy, but I think the biggest 181 00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:48,800 trigger for me is seeing that name pop up on my phone and. 182 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:53,400 That would be my number. Two and seeing it, especially 183 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,600 when we're in, you know, a disagreement at that time or I 184 00:08:56,600 --> 00:09:01,160 know something is popping off and there's a huge. 185 00:09:01,160 --> 00:09:04,160 Conflict I just get. Super triggered. 186 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:07,640 Another thing is, and I think you kind of mentioned it, is, 187 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:13,400 you know, when a step kid says, Oh well, my mom does. 188 00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:18,360 It this way. Or my mom said XY and Z totally, 189 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,520 you know, and I do want to kind of. 190 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:25,080 Play devil's advocate for a. Bio mom for a minute which I 191 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:28,240 know is crazy. To some people, but I think. 192 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:32,160 Kids by nature, they hear things and they say thanks and they're 193 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:36,040 not really sure exactly, you know, how it's coming off. 194 00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:40,400 So sometimes it's not always 100% correct and I do sometimes 195 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:41,840 Fact Check. Not a lot. 196 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,240 But I do. But with that being said, I 197 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:48,240 would say 90% of the time what they're saying really did come 198 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,040 from that other home. And so when I hear those things 199 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:55,160 for me, I get so triggered and I just like tense up. 200 00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,400 I want to like defend myself and say something right away. 201 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,320 To to the step. Kid, but I'm like. 202 00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,360 They're just a child I. Can't do that. 203 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:06,880 So for me that's like my biggest trigger, especially lately and 204 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,880 not knowing what's going to happen next. 205 00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,800 And I think that's just like part of my personality is I'm 206 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:15,520 such a planner. I want to control and so if I 207 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,200 don't have control then I. Freak out. 208 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,320 So I guess. The universe or God or whomever 209 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,000 you believe in was like, you know what? 210 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,360 Let's make Becca stepmom because she needs to learn how to not 211 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:29,600 have control. What's your anagram we need? 212 00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:34,240 To Is that really OK? We have to dig into anagrams. 213 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:38,280 We will small plug if anyone has an anagram expert send them our 214 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:39,600 way because I want to dig into that. 215 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:43,680 So let me talk about. 2 real quick therapy. 216 00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,760 When it comes to. Triggers because I have had. 217 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:48,960 My. Fair share of therapy because. 218 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,680 I grew up in a divorced household and I don't think 219 00:10:51,680 --> 00:10:54,960 there's anything wrong with it. You know, I think it's it has 220 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:58,640 this negative stigma, but. I think it's a very helpful IF. 221 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,640 You find the right person. To deal with your triggers. 222 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:05,920 Because there are many ways that you can emotionally disconnect 223 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:08,000 those ties. Like your? 224 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:12,320 Body seeing the name and thinking it's something bad, you 225 00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:16,600 can actually undo that in a positive way and so for anyone 226 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,400 that doesn't. Go to therapy. 227 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:23,600 I think that that's maybe a start to to be able to identify 228 00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:28,200 when the trigger is affecting you and when like you're being 229 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:31,080 triggered, whatever it is identifying your trigger, 230 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:33,400 identifying when it. Affects you before it. 231 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:38,240 Blows up because what we'll get into next to how it just turns 232 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:43,080 into this ugly disaster. And so we want to combat the 233 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,720 reactions that we have. To our triggers before it gets 234 00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:47,120 really ugly. Yeah, I know. 235 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:49,120 Definitely. And I think what I've been 236 00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:52,640 learning lately and just through time is like. 237 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:56,040 The trigger like you just. Kind of said it doesn't 238 00:11:56,040 --> 00:12:00,160 necessarily connect to oh, that person's name is coming across 239 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:03,760 my phone or you know my. Step kid said this. 240 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:07,760 It really is about. Something different, you know, 241 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:11,800 and. It's usually honestly the role. 242 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:14,480 Confusion of being a stepmom like we've spoken about time and 243 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:17,400 time again and we'll keep talking about, you know, forever 244 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:19,920 is we're in this role and we have no clear. 245 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,800 Rules we have high. Expectations and there's such 246 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:26,120 little validations and so I think sometimes it's. 247 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:29,200 Like well. I feel like I don't belong when 248 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,280 so and so says that to me. Like, oh, my mom does it this 249 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,200 way. I'm like, oh, so my disposable 250 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,200 like. Oh, did. 251 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:41,800 Me not packing your lunch or signing you up for this activity 252 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,600 matter to you because your mom would have done it differently. 253 00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,280 I don't know how do you? Feel about it. 254 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:52,920 Yeah, I think that you know. It's like if a text. 255 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:57,440 Comes through from bio mom. It can in reality. 256 00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,280 Is it heavier? Than it looks. 257 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:03,240 Is it softer than it looks? Are we making it something 258 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,760 bigger in our? Heads because we're triggered by 259 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:08,080 it, which that could we could diffuse half. 260 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,520 Of our problems and half of our anxiety and half of our getting 261 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:14,160 riled. Up if we just have. 262 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:19,080 A sense of grounding where we can think clearly and process 263 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,680 what's going on, what's being asked. 264 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:24,240 Here is this actually attack? An attack on me and grounding is 265 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:27,680 something also that through my years of therapy or counseling, 266 00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:29,560 I had learned grounding techniques. 267 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:33,040 These are super simple little things that we can kind of dive 268 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,160 into. Like something as easy as I 269 00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,880 think it's you look around the room and you identify something 270 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,800 starts. There's multiple things use is. 271 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:43,840 Starts with the AB. Or C you know, or locate 5 272 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,600 things that start with the same letter. 273 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:48,160 And there's also one where if you are laying down, you just 274 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,480 sit up and put your feet on the ground. 275 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,800 You physically ground yourself and it's. 276 00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,520 Just it all sounds. Hokey and weird, but it's. 277 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,920 Literally just a way to distract. 278 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,600 Yourself and one that's like really, really intense. 279 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,040 Is you just go get a piece. Of ice and put it in your mouth. 280 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,320 Isn't that so? Like it sounds silly but. 281 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:11,320 These are really great things for if you are kind of spiraling 282 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,920 and you're thinking like, what's the worst case scenario? 283 00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:18,120 What's something that can happen and then like what happened in 284 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:19,680 the past or this is going to happen again. 285 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:23,120 If you're kind of spiraling and going down in that dark hole, 286 00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,200 that's where you know, OK, I'm going to throw a piece of ice 287 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,000 cube in my mouth. Because the shock factor of the 288 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:32,360 cold eyes. Getting up to go get yourself 289 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,360 some ice and leaving the room that you're in. 290 00:14:34,520 --> 00:14:37,200 That's a huge step. Like that I learned in. 291 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,320 Therapy. That was really helpful. 292 00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:42,120 For me same with the laying down to get up one and then also 293 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:44,320 looking around your room. Because I have. 294 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:47,160 Noticed my husband would say like I'm like a space cadet when 295 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,720 I start spiraling and he's like. You are a space. 296 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,960 Case I don't know where you go in these moments and I'm like, I 297 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:56,720 went down a bad a bad road and. So I like. 298 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:58,640 I think it's like, remember on that? 299 00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:01,120 Show That's So Raven. When we were growing up and she 300 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:03,360 would like. Yeah, she would like. 301 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:06,160 Have this moment where her. Eyes like rolled in the back. 302 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,160 Of her head or whatever and she'd be like gone. 303 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:09,760 I feel like that's. What I look? 304 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:11,760 Like and I'm just thinking of worst case scenario. 305 00:15:11,760 --> 00:15:14,400 What happened before it? I'm spiraling down this. 306 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,160 Dark hole that is so. Unnecessary just because the 307 00:15:17,160 --> 00:15:19,840 kids are coming and I'm thinking worst case scenario and what 308 00:15:19,840 --> 00:15:22,240 it's going to be like. And that's how my anagram type, 309 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:24,520 that's how I prep myself because I am. 310 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:26,640 A product of past. Traumas. 311 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:29,480 So yeah, any of these things and you can also make your own 312 00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:31,840 grounding technique too. It doesn't have to be going to 313 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,120 get an ice cube, but it's something where you. 314 00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,800 Physically have to look at. Something you have to touch 315 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:39,960 something or you have to go somewhere as kind of a gist. 316 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:44,040 Yeah, no. And I've been to therapy a bunch 317 00:15:44,040 --> 00:15:46,880 throughout my life. Surprise, surprise, guys. 318 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:51,200 We've been in therapy a lot. But yeah, no, that's I think 319 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:55,000 what you're saying is. That's part of the 543. 21 320 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:59,000 grounding technique and. I've used that a lot too. 321 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,760 Especially during my stepmom journey, it's like 5 things you 322 00:16:01,760 --> 00:16:03,960 can see. So you look around, you find 5 323 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,600 things you can see in the environment, then four things 324 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,120 you can touch. Notice 4 things you can. 325 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,120 Physically touch. So like you said, your. 326 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:13,920 Feet on the floor, Three things you can hear. 327 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:17,560 OK, I can hear the computer. I can hear Alyssa talking right 328 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,120 now. You know, little things like 329 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:21,840 that. Two things you can smell and 330 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:25,680 then one thing you can taste. And that technique is supposed 331 00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,840 to interrupt. Your your thoughts? 332 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:31,720 And your spiraling and ground you to the immediate moment that 333 00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,560 you're in. And that's really helped me to 334 00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:37,520 the other thing that's been super, super helpful for me that 335 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,920 I've learned through. Therapy is, I always think. 336 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:43,680 OK, I have a fear right now. There's an intense. 337 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:46,720 Fear that I have of. XY and Z is going to happen. 338 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:50,600 What if that fear comes true? OK, if that fear comes. 339 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,080 True. What is the worst? 340 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,960 Thing that's going to happen so for example. 341 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:58,040 This is really, really silly. And kind of crazy. 342 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:03,280 I don't know about any of you moms or women but I will leave 343 00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,800 my straightener on sometimes and I freak. 344 00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:09,960 Out like I'll leave the house. Wait, I did this yesterday and I 345 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,640 was just. Thinking this has got to be an 346 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,560 Instagram reel or something because I came home, my 347 00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:17,280 straightener was upside down. I totally am sidebarring, I'm 348 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:19,400 sorry. No, no, you're fine. 349 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,560 Yeah. I felt. 350 00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:24,040 Heat when I was at my bathroom counter and this was like way 351 00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:26,880 later in the day. And I was like, oh, is it on? 352 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,120 Is it on? Like it's 5:00 PM after my son's 353 00:17:29,120 --> 00:17:30,560 birthday party. It's been all day. 354 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,600 I flip it over and that red light of doom is on. 355 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,720 It's like, how many times have we felt that? 356 00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,720 And like I was just yes, OK, keep going. 357 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,600 I know the feeling though. No, no, definitely no. 358 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:44,960 And so I'll freak out. So I'm like, Oh my gosh, did I 359 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,040 turn my straightener off? I'll leave the house and I'm 360 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:49,280 like, Oh my gosh, my house is going to blow up. 361 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,920 I'm like, I'm going to set my house on fire and I'm like, my 362 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,560 husband's going to kill me. And like, I know I'm a little 363 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,040 crazy. And this is usually when I'm 364 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,840 having a stepmom. Spiral already, so it's just. 365 00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:01,880 Like really odds, you know, whatever. 366 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:03,360 But then I really think about it. 367 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:05,000 OK so my fear is I left my straightener. 368 00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,920 OK, let's say the house does catch on fire. 369 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,120 OK, I have an insurance. I have home insurance. 370 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:13,160 What's the worst? Going to happen. 371 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,920 Yeah. My kids aren't going to die. 372 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,240 I'm not going to die, you know? So I just think about that. 373 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,920 And so I always think about that like in the stepmom thing. 374 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:23,600 OK, So Yep, bio moms going to text us again. 375 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,560 She's going to be mad about XY and Z. 376 00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:26,840 What's the worst is going to happen? 377 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,040 She's going to be mad. We're going to figure it out. 378 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:31,120 Like we always. Do you know? 379 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:34,200 And so I don't know, that's just something that's helped me so. 380 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,280 Far but. Yeah. 381 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:41,840 The thing is, I was never able to get to that stage of OK next. 382 00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,760 We talked about what's. The worst that can happen 383 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:48,920 because my I would get stuck in the spiral and so I had to find 384 00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,520 the grounding technique that would work best for me. 385 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:55,320 And so when we she told me about. 386 00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:58,280 The 543. Two one thing also and I think I 387 00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,720 had tried it for a while and then I told. 388 00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:01,920 Her look, I get so bored with the five. 389 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:04,120 So this is what she said, She said. 390 00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:07,320 I'm bored. I was like I can't find 3 things 391 00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:10,520 like. Too many things ground me. 392 00:19:10,520 --> 00:19:16,320 Quicker so, she said. To the 12345. 393 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,440 So you start by. One thing you can hear, two 394 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:21,000 things you can see or. Whatever. 395 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,600 And by then I was done. I was like, oh, I'm out of this. 396 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,840 It was so much faster because one thing I can do easy second 397 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:29,320 thing. And then I was focused on a new. 398 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,200 Topic, but yeah, she. Definitely my. 399 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,200 Therapist had for sure talked about. 400 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:34,920 What's the worst that can happen? 401 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,400 But you'll know by my anagram I live in worst case scenario. 402 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:42,640 I'm a glass half empty kind of gal, but I'm a realist. 403 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,200 It's not that I'm negative Nancy. 404 00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:48,600 I'm a realist and I'm saying this is what's happened in the 405 00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,680 past. This is what's most likely going 406 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,720 to happen again. But just hilarious. 407 00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:55,600 Because I'm married to a positive penny and he's. 408 00:19:55,600 --> 00:20:01,200 Just like that's so. Funny, I think I'm opposite. 409 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,080 I'm more positive Penny for the most part. 410 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,120 Except when it comes to stepmom things, then I'm not. 411 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:10,600 Then I'm definitely not. So that's so funny. 412 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,760 But my husband's definitely negative Nancy. 413 00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:16,760 It's because you're. Triggered it's your trigger, and 414 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,360 that's not the thing I want everyone to know is that this is 415 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,760 not something that is just like, Oh my gosh, I think I have 416 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,520 anxiety. I'm going to have to start 417 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,600 therapy. No, no, this is not just. 418 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:29,560 Anxiety, this is totally. Something that comes with being 419 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,920 a stepmom that you do not get warned about one thing. 420 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:38,440 Is no, no, no. #2 triggers. That you didn't know you had. 421 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:42,160 And then the next thing will be next week's episode. 422 00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:43,960 Yeah, I know. Definitely. 423 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,920 I wanted to just kind of touch on this because I think it's so, 424 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:51,360 so interesting and we'll, you know, dive deeper into it as we 425 00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:53,240 get in. To more episodes but. 426 00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:56,160 I think our. Childhood like you. 427 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:59,000 Kind of touched on earlier, coming from a divorced family, 428 00:20:59,280 --> 00:21:03,080 it really shapes our stepmom triggers and there's different 429 00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:07,760 types of childhood attachments and, and it's just really 430 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:10,040 interesting. So it's like long before we 431 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,880 become a stepmom, our nervous system, it's already learning 432 00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,480 how to love. How to feel safe? 433 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:19,440 And how to belong. And so when we become a. 434 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,800 Stepmom every. Single one of those things comes 435 00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:25,560 up you know, and So what is attachment? 436 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,640 Attachment is. Like I just said, it's. 437 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,240 What our body learned as a child growing up. 438 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,160 Am I safe? Am I chosen? 439 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,080 Do my needs matter? Will people stay? 440 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:36,200 Well, Wildly. Enough. 441 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:40,560 All of those things continually come up when we're being a 442 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:43,480 stepmom, and it's so crazy, you know? 443 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,600 Yeah, yeah. And it's, it's kind of scary, 444 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,360 honestly, when you dig into it. I know my therapist asked me. 445 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,080 So which attachment style do? You think you have and I was 446 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:53,480 like. This would sound like something 447 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,320 I want to dive into. I don't think I. 448 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:56,480 Want to like? Not today. 449 00:21:57,480 --> 00:21:59,680 No, no, I think it's. Good. 450 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:02,920 I know, I know. But it's like. 451 00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:05,440 Every time that we're feeling. Triggered. 452 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,320 It's like our. Body is not reacting. 453 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,400 To necessarily that trigger it's. 454 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:14,320 Reacting to every moment in the past, usually when we felt 455 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:17,600 unseen or unwanted or unsafe, you know, and there's so many 456 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,040 different attachment. Styles. 457 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,960 It's so it's so. Interesting, I think you and I 458 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:24,800 before next episode need. To like take a test. 459 00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:27,960 Of which one we are. There's like anxious attachment 460 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,560 avoid. An attachment, disorganized 461 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,520 attachment, and secure attachment. 462 00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:37,920 Put that in a poll on Instagram. Everybody circle back to our 463 00:22:37,920 --> 00:22:40,720 stories on Instagram. There's going to be a poll. 464 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:43,880 I want to know what everyone is and we can deep dive into those 465 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:46,880 two and how those respond to triggers and stepmom life in 466 00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:50,280 another episode. Yeah, no, absolutely. 467 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,440 Something I wanted to touch on the 2. 468 00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,280 Is if you ask yourself. When you're being triggered. 469 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:57,760 Is this about? What's? 470 00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:00,480 Happening now or is this reminding me of something? 471 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,320 That questionnaire alone just shrinks a trigger in half. 472 00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:05,920 Have you noticed that too? It's kind of like going back to 473 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:07,880 what you were saying of. What is this? 474 00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:10,040 What is? This really affecting, you know, 475 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:13,200 is it really going to if the house burns down, is it really 476 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,840 going to kill my kids? Yeah. 477 00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:18,760 On a smaller scale, OK if I get a text. 478 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:22,280 From the ex, or if my husband gets a text from the ex, or if 479 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:25,040 someone says her name, does it mean she's in the room? 480 00:23:25,040 --> 00:23:29,920 No. Does it mean that someone's, you 481 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:33,320 know, at my door sending me a subpoena or whatever, You know, 482 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,800 am I being sued for something by her? 483 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:40,160 Like no, just because she sent a text doesn't mean the kids are 484 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:43,000 bad mouthing us. It doesn't mean she has 485 00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:46,160 something bad to say. Maybe 9 times out of 10 there's 486 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:48,800 the real estate of me. Exactly. 487 00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:52,840 Maybe 9 times by. 10 you're bio mom, maybe you're by a mom is 488 00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:56,280 doing that, but if you're feeling triggered by everything 489 00:23:56,360 --> 00:24:00,440 left right, you know up and down it is time to go get some help 490 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:04,040 if you don't think that you can. Start with the techniques to. 491 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:05,840 Kind of talk. Yourself off the ledge. 492 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:08,440 Before you spiral and you're not just doing this for. 493 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:11,200 Yourself to you are totally. Doing this for your children, 494 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,960 for your husband, for your partner, for your sanity, and 495 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:17,840 for your home. One thing that I completely I 496 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,000 learned this from another podcast, so I can't take full 497 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,480 credit, but and maybe I mentioned it before. 498 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:24,880 Checking the vibe of your. Home, you know. 499 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:28,720 That is what has. Saved me so many times I don't 500 00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:31,840 know if you can tell to in all my Instagram stories I am a 501 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:34,320 lamps and candles and cozy vibes it's. 502 00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:37,680 Rarely that we. Turn on the above lights in our 503 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:38,880 house in any. Room. 504 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:42,400 I live for the lights that we have that. 505 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:46,600 Plug that turn on with a remote. We have sconces. 506 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,800 We have art lights. Above the art that hangs. 507 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,920 And these are not fancy expensive things. 508 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,920 This is like we're talking Amazon here, and my husband 509 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:56,440 makes sure that those things are. 510 00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,840 Always. Charged and ready to go, I Even 511 00:24:58,840 --> 00:25:02,640 in my son's nursery, I have two sconces above his crib and I 512 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:04,440 think that that makes. The vibe for his. 513 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:10,280 Room cozy and calm and not only when the always come over to our 514 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:14,880 house do I want it to feel calm and cozy and welcoming and warm, 515 00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:19,280 but like I need that for me. I like my children to be raised 516 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,760 in that so that you know, they are kind of those types of 517 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:24,320 people and if you're anti candle get a candle warmer. 518 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,920 They're still pretty and cozy. You know I have lamps 519 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:29,480 everywhere. This tree behind me, this olive 520 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:31,320 tree I even have. A backlight for it. 521 00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:34,520 It is backlit so. You know. 522 00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:38,040 Checking the vibe of your home is so crucial. 523 00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:41,520 When you're thinking about dealing with triggers, if you 524 00:25:41,520 --> 00:25:44,040 have a trigger that comes up and you're in a place. 525 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:47,560 That's like a doctor's office. Lord help us all with those 526 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,760 lights. I'm going to be sent straight to 527 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,240 the. ER, because with those overhead. 528 00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:55,680 Lights I don't even know where. Like what I do, it's like like. 529 00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,520 Courtroom, I was like, I don't want to go to court. 530 00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,920 And he was like, it's on Zoom and I was like, great, turn on 531 00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:02,560 my lamps. No, it's. 532 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:05,280 So true, it really helps. I don't know why I just got. 533 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:06,920 I don't know if you've. Heard of it? 534 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:08,960 I'm probably like advertising right now. 535 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:13,200 Swear I'm not getting paid for this but of Roma. 360 I just 536 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:14,520 got. One and. 537 00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,560 It like has this like. Oil scent that it goes into your 538 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:20,800 house and like your whole house. The hotels in Las Vegas use it. 539 00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,200 So I just got. One and I'm like. 540 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:26,000 Obsessed with it because I. Sometimes forget to blow out my 541 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:27,840 candles, so that's been a thing, but yeah. 542 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:31,120 I forgot we're scared. About burning our house down. 543 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,160 Yeah, real fear. Real. 544 00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:34,680 Fear. I know everyone. 545 00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:36,640 Yeah, I'm a little crazy, can't lie. 546 00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:38,480 But you know, that's why I became a stepmom. 547 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,600 Wanted even crazier. But yeah, no, go ahead. 548 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,360 So just to kind of start to wrap up the triggers. 549 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:48,520 Contacts, triggers. We all know we lack boundaries 550 00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:51,040 if we're a stepmom. If you had boundaries, you let 551 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:54,240 them go when these new people came into your life and you're 552 00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:57,160 home, right? So I think triggers also show 553 00:26:57,160 --> 00:26:59,920 where boundaries are lacking. So maybe it's time to set up 554 00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:02,280 some boundaries, set up boundaries between the 555 00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:04,640 communication. We, you know, talked about it on 556 00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,080 our last podcast episode. If anyone hasn't listened to 557 00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,120 that with Emily. Ray with the. 558 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:11,760 Co parent coach, she talked about boundaries that are really 559 00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:14,080 appropriate and necessary for stepmoms. 560 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:17,320 And I think there is nothing more rich in your life than 561 00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,080 having boundaries when you're a stepmom. 562 00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:26,480 That is very hard to do. Yeah, just find some boundaries. 563 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:29,560 Find a way to put up boundaries, whether it's communication or 564 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:33,240 maybe it's no questions too. Yeah. 565 00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:37,120 No, I think we need to like. Do a whole probably 5 hour 566 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:39,640 episode. On boundaries and how to set 567 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:43,200 them effectively when it's necessary to, you know, set 568 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:44,400 them. Because sometimes I'm like, oh, 569 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:47,640 I want a boundary for that. And my husband's like, OK, chill 570 00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:48,600 out. You don't need a boundary for 571 00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:49,280 that. Yeah. 572 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,120 OK, we're good. Yeah, but no, we have to. 573 00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:53,800 Definitely do. A whole episode about. 574 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:57,840 Creating and setting you know. Good boundaries, but that's 575 00:27:57,840 --> 00:27:58,200 what. I know. 576 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:02,000 For real, for real for real. I am. 577 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,160 OK. Well, let's go ahead. 578 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:07,320 We have some listener questions. This week that I wanted to get 579 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,240 into first. This is so interesting. 580 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:14,440 Am I wrong for not wanting my stepson to sleep in bed with us 581 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:15,880 when he's at our? House. 582 00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:18,120 Alyssa, do you want to start and I can tag? 583 00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:21,400 Along to response, go ahead. Girl. 584 00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:24,760 You are not wrong. You're not wrong if you don't 585 00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:26,840 want your son to. Sleep in bed with you. 586 00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:29,240 Exactly. Something to be said about 587 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:31,040 keeping the peace in your marriage when your. 588 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:34,240 Step kids are there. Don't worry, my husband is going 589 00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:36,680 to come on that podcast and speak when we. 590 00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:40,200 Discussed it because he has a lot to say if your spouse or 591 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,560 your. Partner is not OK with this. 592 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:45,120 That's a boundary that. You guys have to work. 593 00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:46,760 On we're talking about boundaries. 594 00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:48,440 This sounds like. It's a trigger for you. 595 00:28:48,440 --> 00:28:49,880 Because you don't have a boundary. 596 00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:53,080 So, and I'm not judging, I got lots of boundaries that I can't 597 00:28:53,080 --> 00:28:55,680 keep and I got lots of triggers that I can't maintain. 598 00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:59,320 So I can't with you getting cozy with your blankie right now. 599 00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:00,720 I'm sorry, it's. Crazy. 600 00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:05,360 So cold, OK. So get in bed. 601 00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:10,320 Without your stepson, Becca. Yeah, no, yeah, I think yeah, it 602 00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:13,640 really depends too on the age. Like let's say. 603 00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:17,440 Maybe I'm just playing devil's advocate again for the stepson. 604 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:19,240 Maybe. He's like 2 years old. 605 00:29:19,240 --> 00:29:21,040 I would assume not. If you wrote this. 606 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:23,080 Question but you know, maybe he gets scared in the middle of the 607 00:29:23,080 --> 00:29:25,360 night or even then like Alyssa. Said I. 608 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:28,280 Don't even want my own son sleeping in the bed with me and 609 00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:31,360 my husband and I think it's so so important. 610 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:35,920 For the whole. Entire health stability. 611 00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:38,040 You know what? Have you of the step? 612 00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:41,520 Family that you keep your marriage 1st and that is 613 00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:44,000 definitely a place where you should keep your marriage first. 614 00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:47,640 Do you want to ask the next one? Go ahead. 615 00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:50,800 Yeah, these these are some. Good ones y'all. 616 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:52,200 I don't even know which one to go at. 617 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:53,680 Let's try and get most of them. And these are. 618 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:56,680 This one is a hot topic. I'm not answering this one. 619 00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:58,320 You can. It's as. 620 00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:04,840 My mother-in-law being besties with bio mom when apparently 621 00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:06,800 they were not. Besties before. 622 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:09,040 Wow. Well, first of all, my heart 623 00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:14,120 goes out to you because I have. Some stepmoms that will write in 624 00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:16,160 and. Talk about how crazy. 625 00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:21,040 It is that the in laws will insert themselves so much into 626 00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:23,760 the new blended family. Whether it looks like this or 627 00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:27,880 other ways but. I mean, I don't know, obvious. 628 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:31,600 Level of crazy. That's yeah. 629 00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:34,320 I'm just, I'm sorry. I don't even know how. 630 00:30:34,320 --> 00:30:36,760 To help you with that because it's. 631 00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,080 Two other people's relationship. You don't have control. 632 00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:43,160 Over it so I. Think that the main thing is to 633 00:30:43,160 --> 00:30:47,880 remember what you can and cannot control, you cannot control. 634 00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:51,400 It it sounds like bio. Mom is really trying to make you 635 00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:55,000 mad and so. I would try your best. 636 00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:58,200 Not to let it make you mad. I think mother-in-law needs an 637 00:30:58,200 --> 00:31:00,440 episode on boundaries. Let me just yeah. 638 00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:03,320 Put this out there so I have a great. 639 00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:04,720 Relationship with my mother-in-law. 640 00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:08,280 She doesn't have a relationship with bio mom currently and 641 00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:11,320 that's not, you know, there's not too much reason for that. 642 00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:12,520 It's just. It is what it is. 643 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:17,080 Same reason for you know, when I have an ex-husband as well and 644 00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:19,680 my family no longer communicates with him, I would think that 645 00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:21,560 that's just like the. Laws of life, right? 646 00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:23,480 Whatever your. Family happens to your family, 647 00:31:23,480 --> 00:31:27,680 you follow suit, but things happen that get. 648 00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:31,360 A little crazy bio. Mom gets a little crazy. 649 00:31:31,360 --> 00:31:34,080 Just know that your mother-in-law is going to see 650 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:37,880 that in the long run and the cards will play, you know, to 651 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:40,240 suit. So it'll play out the way it's 652 00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:42,720 supposed to. Maybe they have a relationship 653 00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:44,760 right now. Just try not to show any 654 00:31:44,760 --> 00:31:47,080 jealousy about that. You know, you can let her know 655 00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:49,560 that if you think that's inappropriate or maybe that's a 656 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:53,000 boundary that you have an issue with because you want certain 657 00:31:53,000 --> 00:31:54,560 things that happen in your household to stay in your 658 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:56,480 household. But just don't worry. 659 00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:57,920 I think that the end for that is. 660 00:31:57,920 --> 00:32:01,920 Near because usually I. Don't think bio mom is going to 661 00:32:02,360 --> 00:32:05,320 be able to maintain that relationship personally. 662 00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:08,240 Yeah. We want to hear more about that. 663 00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:10,520 So whenever you have time, let us know. 664 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:14,680 Yeah, more details on that. OK, The next question. 665 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,000 All right, I can relate to this question. 666 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:19,280 I definitely can relate to this OK. 667 00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:23,080 So basically, how do we? Handle the kids being 668 00:32:23,400 --> 00:32:28,800 unsupervised, overexposed to the Internet and YouTube at BM's 669 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:30,800 house. Parallel parenting. 670 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:34,040 That's what I was. Going to say let God. 671 00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:36,600 Sadly, this is. You do not have control over 672 00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:39,920 this and that is not something that I'm happy with saying, but 673 00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:42,440 you don't get to control this, unfortunately. 674 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:45,920 You can speak your mind. Let Dad have his peace. 675 00:32:46,240 --> 00:32:48,760 And at least, you know, then it's out there and take it from 676 00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:51,800 me, then put it in writing so that when it does get to court 677 00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:54,200 and you want to have some control and, you know, make sure 678 00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:57,560 that the household doesn't allow ATV in the child's bedroom or 679 00:32:57,560 --> 00:33:02,240 phones before 10 or something. Jeez, then at least you have. 680 00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:04,680 Proof that you guys spoke your piece and you. 681 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:09,000 Asked and she didn't respond you know nicely or she didn't take 682 00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,280 to that and you're looking out for the kids best interest so 683 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:13,080 good for. You and I think another. 684 00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:15,720 Way to go about this. Because my step kids are 685 00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:18,560 definitely at the age where they're using YouTube, you know, 686 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:20,960 But my husband bought their phones. 687 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:24,200 So there are. So many cool little things you 688 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:26,400 can do with iPhones nowadays. You can, literally. 689 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:30,200 Block YouTube, block all the App Store so that they have to get a 690 00:33:30,200 --> 00:33:32,800 certain password. From my husband to be able to 691 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:35,280 download it. So he does have somewhat. 692 00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:38,040 Control of that, I don't know if that's helpful or not or. 693 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:40,360 How you guys do? The phones, but just something 694 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:43,440 to think about. It's kind of sounds like, and 695 00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:47,600 I'm I'm I am exposed to this as well, but it kind of sounds like 696 00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:50,840 maybe bio mom then have given them phones early and then she 697 00:33:50,840 --> 00:33:53,920 has all the power and that is not a good no bueno. 698 00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:56,320 But eventually, you know, if you think that it's damaging the 699 00:33:56,320 --> 00:33:58,880 kids at all, you can get a guardian involved to look after 700 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:01,720 the best interests of the kids. And my guardian ad litem is the 701 00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:03,840 one that. Speaks out for the kids. 702 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:07,040 And so they'll identify issues in both homes. 703 00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:08,239 That pertain to the. Kids. 704 00:34:08,239 --> 00:34:10,719 So that's if you really want to go down that rabbit hole. 705 00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:13,120 But again I say no. Cord OK, we have time. 706 00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:16,760 For one more. Yes, I wanted to get to this one 707 00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:21,880 because it's just definitely the anthem of being a stepmom. 708 00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:24,600 I feel 2. Years in, I'm triggered by. 709 00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:27,679 All I do for his kids who I love without. 710 00:34:27,679 --> 00:34:29,840 My own. So basically what it? 711 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:32,440 Sounds like to me at least. Is that you're triggered 712 00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:35,000 because? You're doing all these things 713 00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:38,600 for these kids, and maybe you're not, I don't know, receiving the 714 00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:40,960 recognition and appreciation that you want. 715 00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:43,120 I think me and Alyssa definitely can speak to that. 716 00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:46,159 We've felt like that. So many times especially. 717 00:34:46,159 --> 00:34:48,600 Before we had kids of. Our own so you might want to go 718 00:34:48,600 --> 00:34:50,520 back to. Our other episode about ours 719 00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:53,080 baby, because we talked about that, it's just hard. 720 00:34:53,080 --> 00:34:54,600 It's really hard. I think like what? 721 00:34:54,600 --> 00:34:56,800 Alyssa was just. Talking about setting boundaries 722 00:34:56,800 --> 00:35:00,200 really helps with maybe not building up some of that 723 00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:01,280 resentment. What do you think? 724 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:04,680 Yeah, you the nail on the head there. 725 00:35:07,240 --> 00:35:09,440 Gosh. Setting up, setting, setting 726 00:35:09,440 --> 00:35:13,400 boundaries is just key and. I get that that's hard. 727 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:14,920 And you can't do boundaries everywhere. 728 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:17,560 And of course you're having to do boundaries with a Co parent 729 00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:20,760 and with your spouse. So in in a. 730 00:35:20,760 --> 00:35:22,040 Perfect world we'd have. Perfect. 731 00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:23,520 Boundaries everywhere and everyone would. 732 00:35:23,600 --> 00:35:26,360 Follow the boundaries but all. We can control the boundaries 733 00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:29,920 that we have in our own house and before we shut down here. 734 00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:33,320 I have been. Seeing so many messages from 735 00:35:33,320 --> 00:35:36,120 moms or stepmoms. Sorry, stepmoms. 736 00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:39,280 That they're saying. Like this is coming into. 737 00:35:39,280 --> 00:35:42,280 Our house, the kids are. Saying this too much about mom 738 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,440 or there and I'm like. Why we have got to. 739 00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:48,760 Put boundaries stepmoms. Y'all have got to have 740 00:35:48,760 --> 00:35:50,640 boundaries in your house. There are so many ways. 741 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:52,280 To tell the kids. Not. 742 00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:55,520 Upright, but just to show. Them that if that. 743 00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:57,760 Triggers you. Or if they're saying things that 744 00:35:58,000 --> 00:35:59,400 are not good. For your household. 745 00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:02,480 We don't talk about bio mom in this house and that can just be 746 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:04,480 for a season. If that's healthier for your 747 00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:07,080 household, that's healthier for you and your partner. 748 00:36:07,480 --> 00:36:10,240 We have got to start. Putting boundaries in place 749 00:36:10,240 --> 00:36:12,000 where boundaries are needed, and then we're going to. 750 00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:14,320 Prevent the triggers. From popping up. 751 00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:17,800 But if we are triggered. From now on, now we all know how 752 00:36:17,800 --> 00:36:20,400 to attack them. So that's my Ted. 753 00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:22,200 Talk for the Day triggers. And boundaries. 754 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:25,320 What a hot one. I'm going to need a glass of 755 00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:27,400 wine. I know I need some. 756 00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:28,640 Coffee. All right. 757 00:36:28,720 --> 00:36:31,120 Well, guys. Thanks for hanging out with us 758 00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:34,200 and we will see you next. Week. 759 00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:36,040 Catch you next week. Bye. 760 00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:39,440 That's it for this week on Stepmom side Chats. 761 00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:43,840 We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties before you go if 762 00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:45,400 something. We said hit a little. 763 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:48,160 Close to home. Go ahead and hit Follow. 764 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:51,600 Now so you don't miss future episodes and share with another 765 00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:54,440 stepmom to help us grow. If you want to connect between 766 00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:58,080 episodes, follow us on Instagram at Stepmom Side Chats and send 767 00:36:58,080 --> 00:36:59,520 us what you want us to chat about next. 768 00:36:59,920 --> 00:37:02,080 Keep giving yourself grace. You're doing better than you 769 00:37:02,080 --> 00:37:03,960 think. We'll chat with you all soon.