Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom Side Chats.
We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca, 2.
Stepmoms who are done pretending everything's perfect.
This is where we talk. Boundaries, PO parenting, hard
truths, healing and the stuff. Nobody.
Says out loud. If you're ready for real talk,
real growth. And a little.
Bit of spice, Let's get into it. Hey, how you doing this week?
Welcome back. Welcome back, everyone.
I'm doing good. How are you doing this week?
You know, I'm hanging in there. It was.
This week was a doozy. Really.
OK, so I know, I know you had mediation this week and so.
We did, I don't. Have your mediation.
I'm vertical. That's a great way to.
Start. I'm vertical and that's all I
can hope for at this point. It was.
So draining, just that's without getting into details of like
what we went through and what we experienced and stuff and what
we decided on. It didn't go great in our favor,
but it definitely was not worst case scenario.
But yeah, it's very draining. It went for so long.
I would not wish this on my worst enemy.
Well, maybe, but. It's just.
You know, it starts at 9:00 AM and you would think that, you
know, mediation is like an hour or. 2 because it's.
Like you're avoiding court. Right.
So you're like, oh, this has to be like.
Shorter than court. I mean, we were not done till
6:00 PM. So imagine, you know, we were in
fight or flight mode from 9:00 AM to 6:00 PM.
So my body was shot after and I think I'm just trying to.
Recover, but yeah, we just so people that.
Aren't in the court system know what mediation is?
Mediation is. How?
You can come to an agreement with the other party while
avoiding court. So that's best case scenario and
hopefully, you know, you can come to an agreement.
Sometimes they warned us, sometimes you don't, and then
you have to go to court. So you have to.
Pay this big mediation fee and then you also.
Still have to go to court after which is like horrible.
So we were trying to avoid that, of course.
And yeah, there's a mediator. Literally mediator and he.
Goes back and forth between rooms and this day and age we
get to do everything via Zoom, which is.
Fabulous. So wait.
So I'm not really familiar with mediation too much, but so you
don't? See the other party per SE like
you guys are. Just in separate rooms the whole
entire time. Right.
And that's. Part of it because it's like a
trigger, which is the topic for this week which.
Couldn't be more. Appropriate, but yeah, they.
Keep their rooms. Separate so that this is.
Strictly business, This is what I hound on and I've been
preaching is that this is a business transaction.
We've got to remove the emotions from it to get down to like.
What's best for the? Children and not what's.
Best for dad? What's best?
For mom, because at the end of the day, they don't.
The system is caring for the children, right?
Hopefully. I don't know that.
Ours is a little skewed here. In this this town, but.
Yeah. It's it's in a Zoom room that
they invite you to and. Then the mediator.
Goes back and forth between zoom rooms, so it's not like you
FaceTime where you see each. Other it's like we see this.
Guy and then he leaves and he comes back and so.
Yeah, he would he. Came in and said.
This is their offer. And obviously it's BS.
We sent in our offer and it was BS.
And then we just went down to the nitty gritty of like, OK,
what are we really going to do here?
Because we all ask for. The sun, moon and stars that we
can walk away with. You know, at least just what we
came home with. Yeah.
And I don't know how comfortable you feel with sharing, but just
before we get into it, like. How happy.
Or I guess maybe discouraged? Do you feel after the?
Verdict came out. Yeah, I feel exhausted, that's
all. It's a lot to take.
There are some big changes. That took place.
But some are for the better for us, and so I'm happy about that.
And something my husband and I are just reminding each other as
we have to remind ourselves of our wins.
You know, there were so many things.
I know you and I were talking. About like the.
Number of things that were changed.
This is not just about. Custody.
It was so. Many things you don't think
about, medical decisions, educational decisions, location,
pick up and you know, it's just so much stuff.
I can't even. I can't even.
Yeah, no, it sounds. Like a lot.
It's things that I don't even really think about too much
necessarily because we're not really in that phase right now.
But anyways, stepmoms, welcome back to another episode.
Today we are going to. Talk all about.
Triggers which I'm sure. All of you guys.
Can relate to and so let's get right into Alyssa.
Let's go. Ahead and define a.
Trigger. What is a trigger?
Yeah, and this is going to be different for everyone, I feel
like. Right, we all have a.
Different feeling in our system would we can identify it.
But it's basically it's. Your emotional reaction, that's.
Tied to a past. Experience.
It's not necessarily what's happening right now.
It's due to what's. Happening right now, but the
trigger in it is something from a past experience.
For instance, typically when stepmoms are triggered by
something from bio mom, we weren't triggered the first
time. And so it's because things with
bio mom have been bad that now when we see a text, if you see
her name, it's a. Trigger if you hear.
Her name? It's a trigger.
If you. Know that it's time for.
Pickup it's a trigger or. You know things like the first
time that you. Picked up your step kids.
You weren't triggered, but. Over time, the step kids coming
over became a complicated thing or a messy thing.
And so then you have. Triggers before you pick.
Them up. Does that make sense?
Yeah, no, definitely, I think. I like this.
Definition that I found when I was researching for our episode.
Earlier this week is. In simple language, they say a
trigger is your body reacting before your brain can catch up,
and like you just. Said that it shows up.
Differently for everyone, like for me, my heart starts racing
really fast. I feel.
Like I drank 10 cups of coffee. I can't stop pacing back and
forth and I can't eat. My appetite is completely.
Gone when I'm triggered and I think in stepmom life like
everyone's trigger is different. Like you were saying, not being
included in decisions, feeling invisible in our own home, being
compared to bio mom, being corrected in front of the kids
and not being backed up by our partners are all things that you
know. Are triggers for us.
I want it. I'm curious because I don't
think. You and I have talked.
About this I think I might have an idea because obviously we're
friends but. What is like your biggest?
Trigger and stepmom life. Oh, that's so hard.
I. Want to?
Say, probably the day that the kids.
Come back the transition day for me, or even the day.
That the kids leave. Because for one, there's
communication between both households, and that usually
sparks some kind of tension between the two for whatever
reason. And so of course, then I hear
about it and I'm there to kind of mend the wounds.
But also then the kids are coming back.
And it's like, OK, what kind of state are the children going to
be in? Or the kids are going back to
moms And it's like, OK, what is he going to?
What are they going to say to mom?
And then how is it going to be translated to in her brain?
And then what's she going to say to my husband about their time
with us, You know, and. To be specific, triggers being.
Triggered is not a weakness. A trigger.
Is a signal. It's a signal in your brain, and
it's kind of like a fight or flight mechanism, but it's your
body protecting you from something that you know is going
to be harmful, whether or not the situation is actually going
to be harmful. But in the past, it was harmful
to you either mentally, physically, emotionally, you
know, financially. So.
Your body is protecting yourself.
So it's OK to be triggered and we.
Just really need to be sure that we're identifying it so that we
can prevent XY and Z that happens.
After you're triggered. But I would think that's that's
my biggest trigger is just when they come over or when they're
leaving. What's yours?
Oh gosh. I mean, I probably sound like an
evil stepmom saying this, but there's so many to be honest.
And it's not because we don't love our step.
Kids, we do, we love. Our step kids so much.
I think that, I don't know, it's crazy, but I think the biggest
trigger for me is seeing that name pop up on my phone and.
That would be my number. Two and seeing it, especially
when we're in, you know, a disagreement at that time or I
know something is popping off and there's a huge.
Conflict I just get. Super triggered.
Another thing is, and I think you kind of mentioned it, is,
you know, when a step kid says, Oh well, my mom does.
It this way. Or my mom said XY and Z totally,
you know, and I do want to kind of.
Play devil's advocate for a. Bio mom for a minute which I
know is crazy. To some people, but I think.
Kids by nature, they hear things and they say thanks and they're
not really sure exactly, you know, how it's coming off.
So sometimes it's not always 100% correct and I do sometimes
Fact Check. Not a lot.
But I do. But with that being said, I
would say 90% of the time what they're saying really did come
from that other home. And so when I hear those things
for me, I get so triggered and I just like tense up.
I want to like defend myself and say something right away.
To to the step. Kid, but I'm like.
They're just a child I. Can't do that.
So for me that's like my biggest trigger, especially lately and
not knowing what's going to happen next.
And I think that's just like part of my personality is I'm
such a planner. I want to control and so if I
don't have control then I. Freak out.
So I guess. The universe or God or whomever
you believe in was like, you know what?
Let's make Becca stepmom because she needs to learn how to not
have control. What's your anagram we need?
To Is that really OK? We have to dig into anagrams.
We will small plug if anyone has an anagram expert send them our
way because I want to dig into that.
So let me talk about. 2 real quick therapy.
When it comes to. Triggers because I have had.
My. Fair share of therapy because.
I grew up in a divorced household and I don't think
there's anything wrong with it. You know, I think it's it has
this negative stigma, but. I think it's a very helpful IF.
You find the right person. To deal with your triggers.
Because there are many ways that you can emotionally disconnect
those ties. Like your?
Body seeing the name and thinking it's something bad, you
can actually undo that in a positive way and so for anyone
that doesn't. Go to therapy.
I think that that's maybe a start to to be able to identify
when the trigger is affecting you and when like you're being
triggered, whatever it is identifying your trigger,
identifying when it. Affects you before it.
Blows up because what we'll get into next to how it just turns
into this ugly disaster. And so we want to combat the
reactions that we have. To our triggers before it gets
really ugly. Yeah, I know.
Definitely. And I think what I've been
learning lately and just through time is like.
The trigger like you just. Kind of said it doesn't
necessarily connect to oh, that person's name is coming across
my phone or you know my. Step kid said this.
It really is about. Something different, you know,
and. It's usually honestly the role.
Confusion of being a stepmom like we've spoken about time and
time again and we'll keep talking about, you know, forever
is we're in this role and we have no clear.
Rules we have high. Expectations and there's such
little validations and so I think sometimes it's.
Like well. I feel like I don't belong when
so and so says that to me. Like, oh, my mom does it this
way. I'm like, oh, so my disposable
like. Oh, did.
Me not packing your lunch or signing you up for this activity
matter to you because your mom would have done it differently.
I don't know how do you? Feel about it.
Yeah, I think that you know. It's like if a text.
Comes through from bio mom. It can in reality.
Is it heavier? Than it looks.
Is it softer than it looks? Are we making it something
bigger in our? Heads because we're triggered by
it, which that could we could diffuse half.
Of our problems and half of our anxiety and half of our getting
riled. Up if we just have.
A sense of grounding where we can think clearly and process
what's going on, what's being asked.
Here is this actually attack? An attack on me and grounding is
something also that through my years of therapy or counseling,
I had learned grounding techniques.
These are super simple little things that we can kind of dive
into. Like something as easy as I
think it's you look around the room and you identify something
starts. There's multiple things use is.
Starts with the AB. Or C you know, or locate 5
things that start with the same letter.
And there's also one where if you are laying down, you just
sit up and put your feet on the ground.
You physically ground yourself and it's.
Just it all sounds. Hokey and weird, but it's.
Literally just a way to distract.
Yourself and one that's like really, really intense.
Is you just go get a piece. Of ice and put it in your mouth.
Isn't that so? Like it sounds silly but.
These are really great things for if you are kind of spiraling
and you're thinking like, what's the worst case scenario?
What's something that can happen and then like what happened in
the past or this is going to happen again.
If you're kind of spiraling and going down in that dark hole,
that's where you know, OK, I'm going to throw a piece of ice
cube in my mouth. Because the shock factor of the
cold eyes. Getting up to go get yourself
some ice and leaving the room that you're in.
That's a huge step. Like that I learned in.
Therapy. That was really helpful.
For me same with the laying down to get up one and then also
looking around your room. Because I have.
Noticed my husband would say like I'm like a space cadet when
I start spiraling and he's like. You are a space.
Case I don't know where you go in these moments and I'm like, I
went down a bad a bad road and. So I like.
I think it's like, remember on that?
Show That's So Raven. When we were growing up and she
would like. Yeah, she would like.
Have this moment where her. Eyes like rolled in the back.
Of her head or whatever and she'd be like gone.
I feel like that's. What I look?
Like and I'm just thinking of worst case scenario.
What happened before it? I'm spiraling down this.
Dark hole that is so. Unnecessary just because the
kids are coming and I'm thinking worst case scenario and what
it's going to be like. And that's how my anagram type,
that's how I prep myself because I am.
A product of past. Traumas.
So yeah, any of these things and you can also make your own
grounding technique too. It doesn't have to be going to
get an ice cube, but it's something where you.
Physically have to look at. Something you have to touch
something or you have to go somewhere as kind of a gist.
Yeah, no. And I've been to therapy a bunch
throughout my life. Surprise, surprise, guys.
We've been in therapy a lot. But yeah, no, that's I think
what you're saying is. That's part of the 543. 21
grounding technique and. I've used that a lot too.
Especially during my stepmom journey, it's like 5 things you
can see. So you look around, you find 5
things you can see in the environment, then four things
you can touch. Notice 4 things you can.
Physically touch. So like you said, your.
Feet on the floor, Three things you can hear.
OK, I can hear the computer. I can hear Alyssa talking right
now. You know, little things like
that. Two things you can smell and
then one thing you can taste. And that technique is supposed
to interrupt. Your your thoughts?
And your spiraling and ground you to the immediate moment that
you're in. And that's really helped me to
the other thing that's been super, super helpful for me that
I've learned through. Therapy is, I always think.
OK, I have a fear right now. There's an intense.
Fear that I have of. XY and Z is going to happen.
What if that fear comes true? OK, if that fear comes.
True. What is the worst?
Thing that's going to happen so for example.
This is really, really silly. And kind of crazy.
I don't know about any of you moms or women but I will leave
my straightener on sometimes and I freak.
Out like I'll leave the house. Wait, I did this yesterday and I
was just. Thinking this has got to be an
Instagram reel or something because I came home, my
straightener was upside down. I totally am sidebarring, I'm
sorry. No, no, you're fine.
Yeah. I felt.
Heat when I was at my bathroom counter and this was like way
later in the day. And I was like, oh, is it on?
Is it on? Like it's 5:00 PM after my son's
birthday party. It's been all day.
I flip it over and that red light of doom is on.
It's like, how many times have we felt that?
And like I was just yes, OK, keep going.
I know the feeling though. No, no, definitely no.
And so I'll freak out. So I'm like, Oh my gosh, did I
turn my straightener off? I'll leave the house and I'm
like, Oh my gosh, my house is going to blow up.
I'm like, I'm going to set my house on fire and I'm like, my
husband's going to kill me. And like, I know I'm a little
crazy. And this is usually when I'm
having a stepmom. Spiral already, so it's just.
Like really odds, you know, whatever.
But then I really think about it.
OK so my fear is I left my straightener.
OK, let's say the house does catch on fire.
OK, I have an insurance. I have home insurance.
What's the worst? Going to happen.
Yeah. My kids aren't going to die.
I'm not going to die, you know? So I just think about that.
And so I always think about that like in the stepmom thing.
OK, So Yep, bio moms going to text us again.
She's going to be mad about XY and Z.
What's the worst is going to happen?
She's going to be mad. We're going to figure it out.
Like we always. Do you know?
And so I don't know, that's just something that's helped me so.
Far but. Yeah.
The thing is, I was never able to get to that stage of OK next.
We talked about what's. The worst that can happen
because my I would get stuck in the spiral and so I had to find
the grounding technique that would work best for me.
And so when we she told me about.
The 543. Two one thing also and I think I
had tried it for a while and then I told.
Her look, I get so bored with the five.
So this is what she said, She said.
I'm bored. I was like I can't find 3 things
like. Too many things ground me.
Quicker so, she said. To the 12345.
So you start by. One thing you can hear, two
things you can see or. Whatever.
And by then I was done. I was like, oh, I'm out of this.
It was so much faster because one thing I can do easy second
thing. And then I was focused on a new.
Topic, but yeah, she. Definitely my.
Therapist had for sure talked about.
What's the worst that can happen?
But you'll know by my anagram I live in worst case scenario.
I'm a glass half empty kind of gal, but I'm a realist.
It's not that I'm negative Nancy.
I'm a realist and I'm saying this is what's happened in the
past. This is what's most likely going
to happen again. But just hilarious.
Because I'm married to a positive penny and he's.
Just like that's so. Funny, I think I'm opposite.
I'm more positive Penny for the most part.
Except when it comes to stepmom things, then I'm not.
Then I'm definitely not. So that's so funny.
But my husband's definitely negative Nancy.
It's because you're. Triggered it's your trigger, and
that's not the thing I want everyone to know is that this is
not something that is just like, Oh my gosh, I think I have
anxiety. I'm going to have to start
therapy. No, no, this is not just.
Anxiety, this is totally. Something that comes with being
a stepmom that you do not get warned about one thing.
Is no, no, no. #2 triggers. That you didn't know you had.
And then the next thing will be next week's episode.
Yeah, I know. Definitely.
I wanted to just kind of touch on this because I think it's so,
so interesting and we'll, you know, dive deeper into it as we
get in. To more episodes but.
I think our. Childhood like you.
Kind of touched on earlier, coming from a divorced family,
it really shapes our stepmom triggers and there's different
types of childhood attachments and, and it's just really
interesting. So it's like long before we
become a stepmom, our nervous system, it's already learning
how to love. How to feel safe?
And how to belong. And so when we become a.
Stepmom every. Single one of those things comes
up you know, and So what is attachment?
Attachment is. Like I just said, it's.
What our body learned as a child growing up.
Am I safe? Am I chosen?
Do my needs matter? Will people stay?
Well, Wildly. Enough.
All of those things continually come up when we're being a
stepmom, and it's so crazy, you know?
Yeah, yeah. And it's, it's kind of scary,
honestly, when you dig into it. I know my therapist asked me.
So which attachment style do? You think you have and I was
like. This would sound like something
I want to dive into. I don't think I.
Want to like? Not today.
No, no, I think it's. Good.
I know, I know. But it's like.
Every time that we're feeling. Triggered.
It's like our. Body is not reacting.
To necessarily that trigger it's.
Reacting to every moment in the past, usually when we felt
unseen or unwanted or unsafe, you know, and there's so many
different attachment. Styles.
It's so it's so. Interesting, I think you and I
before next episode need. To like take a test.
Of which one we are. There's like anxious attachment
avoid. An attachment, disorganized
attachment, and secure attachment.
Put that in a poll on Instagram. Everybody circle back to our
stories on Instagram. There's going to be a poll.
I want to know what everyone is and we can deep dive into those
two and how those respond to triggers and stepmom life in
another episode. Yeah, no, absolutely.
Something I wanted to touch on the 2.
Is if you ask yourself. When you're being triggered.
Is this about? What's?
Happening now or is this reminding me of something?
That questionnaire alone just shrinks a trigger in half.
Have you noticed that too? It's kind of like going back to
what you were saying of. What is this?
What is? This really affecting, you know,
is it really going to if the house burns down, is it really
going to kill my kids? Yeah.
On a smaller scale, OK if I get a text.
From the ex, or if my husband gets a text from the ex, or if
someone says her name, does it mean she's in the room?
No. Does it mean that someone's, you
know, at my door sending me a subpoena or whatever, You know,
am I being sued for something by her?
Like no, just because she sent a text doesn't mean the kids are
bad mouthing us. It doesn't mean she has
something bad to say. Maybe 9 times out of 10 there's
the real estate of me. Exactly.
Maybe 9 times by. 10 you're bio mom, maybe you're by a mom is
doing that, but if you're feeling triggered by everything
left right, you know up and down it is time to go get some help
if you don't think that you can. Start with the techniques to.
Kind of talk. Yourself off the ledge.
Before you spiral and you're not just doing this for.
Yourself to you are totally. Doing this for your children,
for your husband, for your partner, for your sanity, and
for your home. One thing that I completely I
learned this from another podcast, so I can't take full
credit, but and maybe I mentioned it before.
Checking the vibe of your. Home, you know.
That is what has. Saved me so many times I don't
know if you can tell to in all my Instagram stories I am a
lamps and candles and cozy vibes it's.
Rarely that we. Turn on the above lights in our
house in any. Room.
I live for the lights that we have that.
Plug that turn on with a remote. We have sconces.
We have art lights. Above the art that hangs.
And these are not fancy expensive things.
This is like we're talking Amazon here, and my husband
makes sure that those things are.
Always. Charged and ready to go, I Even
in my son's nursery, I have two sconces above his crib and I
think that that makes. The vibe for his.
Room cozy and calm and not only when the always come over to our
house do I want it to feel calm and cozy and welcoming and warm,
but like I need that for me. I like my children to be raised
in that so that you know, they are kind of those types of
people and if you're anti candle get a candle warmer.
They're still pretty and cozy. You know I have lamps
everywhere. This tree behind me, this olive
tree I even have. A backlight for it.
It is backlit so. You know.
Checking the vibe of your home is so crucial.
When you're thinking about dealing with triggers, if you
have a trigger that comes up and you're in a place.
That's like a doctor's office. Lord help us all with those
lights. I'm going to be sent straight to
the. ER, because with those overhead.
Lights I don't even know where. Like what I do, it's like like.
Courtroom, I was like, I don't want to go to court.
And he was like, it's on Zoom and I was like, great, turn on
my lamps. No, it's.
So true, it really helps. I don't know why I just got.
I don't know if you've. Heard of it?
I'm probably like advertising right now.
Swear I'm not getting paid for this but of Roma. 360 I just
got. One and.
It like has this like. Oil scent that it goes into your
house and like your whole house. The hotels in Las Vegas use it.
So I just got. One and I'm like.
Obsessed with it because I. Sometimes forget to blow out my
candles, so that's been a thing, but yeah.
I forgot we're scared. About burning our house down.
Yeah, real fear. Real.
Fear. I know everyone.
Yeah, I'm a little crazy, can't lie.
But you know, that's why I became a stepmom.
Wanted even crazier. But yeah, no, go ahead.
So just to kind of start to wrap up the triggers.
Contacts, triggers. We all know we lack boundaries
if we're a stepmom. If you had boundaries, you let
them go when these new people came into your life and you're
home, right? So I think triggers also show
where boundaries are lacking. So maybe it's time to set up
some boundaries, set up boundaries between the
communication. We, you know, talked about it on
our last podcast episode. If anyone hasn't listened to
that with Emily. Ray with the.
Co parent coach, she talked about boundaries that are really
appropriate and necessary for stepmoms.
And I think there is nothing more rich in your life than
having boundaries when you're a stepmom.
That is very hard to do. Yeah, just find some boundaries.
Find a way to put up boundaries, whether it's communication or
maybe it's no questions too. Yeah.
No, I think we need to like. Do a whole probably 5 hour
episode. On boundaries and how to set
them effectively when it's necessary to, you know, set
them. Because sometimes I'm like, oh,
I want a boundary for that. And my husband's like, OK, chill
out. You don't need a boundary for
that. Yeah.
OK, we're good. Yeah, but no, we have to.
Definitely do. A whole episode about.
Creating and setting you know. Good boundaries, but that's
what. I know.
For real, for real for real. I am.
OK. Well, let's go ahead.
We have some listener questions. This week that I wanted to get
into first. This is so interesting.
Am I wrong for not wanting my stepson to sleep in bed with us
when he's at our? House.
Alyssa, do you want to start and I can tag?
Along to response, go ahead. Girl.
You are not wrong. You're not wrong if you don't
want your son to. Sleep in bed with you.
Exactly. Something to be said about
keeping the peace in your marriage when your.
Step kids are there. Don't worry, my husband is going
to come on that podcast and speak when we.
Discussed it because he has a lot to say if your spouse or
your. Partner is not OK with this.
That's a boundary that. You guys have to work.
On we're talking about boundaries.
This sounds like. It's a trigger for you.
Because you don't have a boundary.
So, and I'm not judging, I got lots of boundaries that I can't
keep and I got lots of triggers that I can't maintain.
So I can't with you getting cozy with your blankie right now.
I'm sorry, it's. Crazy.
So cold, OK. So get in bed.
Without your stepson, Becca. Yeah, no, yeah, I think yeah, it
really depends too on the age. Like let's say.
Maybe I'm just playing devil's advocate again for the stepson.
Maybe. He's like 2 years old.
I would assume not. If you wrote this.
Question but you know, maybe he gets scared in the middle of the
night or even then like Alyssa. Said I.
Don't even want my own son sleeping in the bed with me and
my husband and I think it's so so important.
For the whole. Entire health stability.
You know what? Have you of the step?
Family that you keep your marriage 1st and that is
definitely a place where you should keep your marriage first.
Do you want to ask the next one? Go ahead.
Yeah, these these are some. Good ones y'all.
I don't even know which one to go at.
Let's try and get most of them. And these are.
This one is a hot topic. I'm not answering this one.
You can. It's as.
My mother-in-law being besties with bio mom when apparently
they were not. Besties before.
Wow. Well, first of all, my heart
goes out to you because I have. Some stepmoms that will write in
and. Talk about how crazy.
It is that the in laws will insert themselves so much into
the new blended family. Whether it looks like this or
other ways but. I mean, I don't know, obvious.
Level of crazy. That's yeah.
I'm just, I'm sorry. I don't even know how.
To help you with that because it's.
Two other people's relationship. You don't have control.
Over it so I. Think that the main thing is to
remember what you can and cannot control, you cannot control.
It it sounds like bio. Mom is really trying to make you
mad and so. I would try your best.
Not to let it make you mad. I think mother-in-law needs an
episode on boundaries. Let me just yeah.
Put this out there so I have a great.
Relationship with my mother-in-law.
She doesn't have a relationship with bio mom currently and
that's not, you know, there's not too much reason for that.
It's just. It is what it is.
Same reason for you know, when I have an ex-husband as well and
my family no longer communicates with him, I would think that
that's just like the. Laws of life, right?
Whatever your. Family happens to your family,
you follow suit, but things happen that get.
A little crazy bio. Mom gets a little crazy.
Just know that your mother-in-law is going to see
that in the long run and the cards will play, you know, to
suit. So it'll play out the way it's
supposed to. Maybe they have a relationship
right now. Just try not to show any
jealousy about that. You know, you can let her know
that if you think that's inappropriate or maybe that's a
boundary that you have an issue with because you want certain
things that happen in your household to stay in your
household. But just don't worry.
I think that the end for that is.
Near because usually I. Don't think bio mom is going to
be able to maintain that relationship personally.
Yeah. We want to hear more about that.
So whenever you have time, let us know.
Yeah, more details on that. OK, The next question.
All right, I can relate to this question.
I definitely can relate to this OK.
So basically, how do we? Handle the kids being
unsupervised, overexposed to the Internet and YouTube at BM's
house. Parallel parenting.
That's what I was. Going to say let God.
Sadly, this is. You do not have control over
this and that is not something that I'm happy with saying, but
you don't get to control this, unfortunately.
You can speak your mind. Let Dad have his peace.
And at least, you know, then it's out there and take it from
me, then put it in writing so that when it does get to court
and you want to have some control and, you know, make sure
that the household doesn't allow ATV in the child's bedroom or
phones before 10 or something. Jeez, then at least you have.
Proof that you guys spoke your piece and you.
Asked and she didn't respond you know nicely or she didn't take
to that and you're looking out for the kids best interest so
good for. You and I think another.
Way to go about this. Because my step kids are
definitely at the age where they're using YouTube, you know,
But my husband bought their phones.
So there are. So many cool little things you
can do with iPhones nowadays. You can, literally.
Block YouTube, block all the App Store so that they have to get a
certain password. From my husband to be able to
download it. So he does have somewhat.
Control of that, I don't know if that's helpful or not or.
How you guys do? The phones, but just something
to think about. It's kind of sounds like, and
I'm I'm I am exposed to this as well, but it kind of sounds like
maybe bio mom then have given them phones early and then she
has all the power and that is not a good no bueno.
But eventually, you know, if you think that it's damaging the
kids at all, you can get a guardian involved to look after
the best interests of the kids. And my guardian ad litem is the
one that. Speaks out for the kids.
And so they'll identify issues in both homes.
That pertain to the. Kids.
So that's if you really want to go down that rabbit hole.
But again I say no. Cord OK, we have time.
For one more. Yes, I wanted to get to this one
because it's just definitely the anthem of being a stepmom.
I feel 2. Years in, I'm triggered by.
All I do for his kids who I love without.
My own. So basically what it?
Sounds like to me at least. Is that you're triggered
because? You're doing all these things
for these kids, and maybe you're not, I don't know, receiving the
recognition and appreciation that you want.
I think me and Alyssa definitely can speak to that.
We've felt like that. So many times especially.
Before we had kids of. Our own so you might want to go
back to. Our other episode about ours
baby, because we talked about that, it's just hard.
It's really hard. I think like what?
Alyssa was just. Talking about setting boundaries
really helps with maybe not building up some of that
resentment. What do you think?
Yeah, you the nail on the head there.
Gosh. Setting up, setting, setting
boundaries is just key and. I get that that's hard.
And you can't do boundaries everywhere.
And of course you're having to do boundaries with a Co parent
and with your spouse. So in in a.
Perfect world we'd have. Perfect.
Boundaries everywhere and everyone would.
Follow the boundaries but all. We can control the boundaries
that we have in our own house and before we shut down here.
I have been. Seeing so many messages from
moms or stepmoms. Sorry, stepmoms.
That they're saying. Like this is coming into.
Our house, the kids are. Saying this too much about mom
or there and I'm like. Why we have got to.
Put boundaries stepmoms. Y'all have got to have
boundaries in your house. There are so many ways.
To tell the kids. Not.
Upright, but just to show. Them that if that.
Triggers you. Or if they're saying things that
are not good. For your household.
We don't talk about bio mom in this house and that can just be
for a season. If that's healthier for your
household, that's healthier for you and your partner.
We have got to start. Putting boundaries in place
where boundaries are needed, and then we're going to.
Prevent the triggers. From popping up.
But if we are triggered. From now on, now we all know how
to attack them. So that's my Ted.
Talk for the Day triggers. And boundaries.
What a hot one. I'm going to need a glass of
wine. I know I need some.
Coffee. All right.
Well, guys. Thanks for hanging out with us
and we will see you next. Week.
Catch you next week. Bye.
That's it for this week on Stepmom side Chats.
We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties before you go if
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