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Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom
side Chats. 

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We are your hosts, Alyssa and 
Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. 

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Who are done pretending 
everything's perfect. 

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This is where we talk 
boundaries, Co parenting, hard 

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truths, healing, and the stuff 
nobody says out loud. 

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If you're ready for real talk, 
real growth and a little bit of 

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spice, let's get into it. 
Hey, everyone, welcome back, 

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Alyssa. 
Welcome. 

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So excited today we have one of 
the Ogs of, you know, the 

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stepmom. 
Oh. 

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God damn, yeah, I guess I am 
now. 

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You are. 
You are. 

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So today's conversation, it's 
one that me and Alyssa, we know 

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so many of us need right now. 
Without further ado, we're 

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joined by Nigel Hall. 
She's founder of VIP Stepmom. 

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She's helped so many women 
navigate high conflict 

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situations, struggles within 
their identity, and just what it

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really means to protect your 
piece as a stepmom. 

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So here she is. 
Can you tell us a little bit 

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about yourself, your background 
when you became a stepmom and 

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what made you want to start 
coaching stepmoms? 

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Yes, yes, hey everybody, I'm 
Nadja, Nadja Hall of VIP Stepmom

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blended in blacknadjahall.com. 
All things blended, right? 

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So I've been doing this, as they
said, I'm an OG. 

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Gosh, like I'm one of the older 
ones now. 

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I've been this thing for kind of
double digit years. 

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I consider myself one of the 
Queens of conflict resolution 

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because I eat conflict like 
cupcakes. 

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I initially started doing this 
because of my own real life 

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scenario. 
Like didn't we all get into, 

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especially those of us that are 
service workers, helpers, light 

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workers, Whatever you do, you 
probably got into it trying to 

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heal yourself from some of your 
own trauma or from some life 

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experience that happened to you.
For me, it was kind of like 

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that. 
I fell in love with an amazing 

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dude who was attached to a not 
so amazing, amazing circumstance

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and I could not understand for 
the life of me because I'm Miss 

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Naja. 
In high school, I was 

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everybody's friend. 
Never had a bully that I could 

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not make my employee. 
Everybody was like cool. 

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But just coming across an 
individual at that time who in 

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my mind was so consumed with 
chaos and hatred. 

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I really thought the things that
were being projected on to me. 

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I took a lot of that stuff 
personally. 

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So I started doing the work to 
try to understand. 

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Then I uncovered personality 
disorders and different types of

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mental illness and all of the 
things that we do to try to 

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under assign understanding to to
people. 

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I started a Facebook group. 
I'm the high conflict person, 

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joined the Facebook group and 
tried to expose me and guess 

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what? 
We went viral. 

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We freaking blew up. 
Next day I had 10,000 followers 

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and so people are coming to me 
for advice and I am a girl 

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that's going to answer the call.
And so I started getting the 

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advice. 
I have an undergrad degree in 

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family and consumer sciences. 
I went and did my 16,000 hours 

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to become certified as a family 
life educator. 

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And so my background already 
revolved around that, but I went

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and I did the work. 
And this has been double digit 

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years ago now. 
So I hope I answered your 

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question. 
That's why I'm here. 

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Tell you no, you definitely did 
too we appreciate your energy 

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she is bringing the energy y'all
and it's going to be so good 

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because we. 
Have some and I have not even 

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had my coffee yet. 
Like come. 

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On man Nice. 
Wait, so how many step kids do 

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you have? 
When did you meet your husband? 

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When did you meet bio mom? 
Just just give it, give it to 

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us. 
Sure, sure. 

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My husband has three children 
from a previous situation. 

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The only time we've ever been in
the same room the first time was

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about 10 years into our 
relation, me and my husband's 

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relationship, and that was in a 
courtroom. 

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The lat. 
The second and only time after 

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14 or so years was at a 
graduation. 

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And we didn't really come in 
close contact because the law 

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now says we can't. 
And so, yeah, I've been around 

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for just that long. 
I've watched these babies grow 

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from here to here. 
So my experiences run the gamut 

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of experiencing alienation, 
trauma, and having to watch that

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from early childhood all the way
now to young adulthood. 

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Yeah, that's so intense and I 
love that you refer to it as his

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previous situation. 
Grown over the years because 

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those of you that have followed 
me for a long time know that I'm

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I'm trying to clean up my 
language. 

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I am a professional in what I 
do. 

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People literally bring me all 
over the world to talk about 

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conflict resolution. 
So I can't be calling. 

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I can't be like, oh, dumpster 
cooch, I can't really say that 

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and still remain in the 
professional realm. 

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So yes, Alyssa, it's going to be
previous Stitch. 

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I will say in our household, and
I don't know if you're the same,

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it's like saying her name in our
house is very triggering for my 

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husband seeing her name like so 
we changed it in his phone. 

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We call her something different 
in the house, and not that it's 

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like a bad word necessarily. 
Is that the pulse that you guys 

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that I saw on your page that 
cracked me up? 

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That's how I kind of I got on 
you guys radar that I started 

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seeing who you guys were because
that was so freaking funny. 

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I was like, damn, why did not 
think of that? 

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That was so funny. 
Was that? 

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Is that what you're talking 
about the. 

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Yes. 
Not I, not necessarily did I do 

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that. 
I got that from another stepmom.

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Yeah. 
But yeah. 

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And actually that's something I 
learned from therapy. 

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Many years of therapy is like 
when you're triggered by 

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someone's name, you have to give
them another name. 

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So that kind of book previously 
married. 

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So we have they have other names
too. 

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But anyways, tell us something 
nausea that from your background

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that people might think is true 
that it's just not. 

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Tell us something that from the 
outside appearance you have 

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everything figured out now and 
that you know things were smooth

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sailing because you just didn't 
see by a mom maybe? 

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Or what do you call her? 
Do you say bio mom? 

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Wait publicly or when I'm 
talking to my friends like. 

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Give it to well, this is the 
side chat. 

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We, we are your friends. 
So I like you guys and if you 

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like, I don't believe in calling
the name of someone who has 

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brought me harm, but that's with
anybody, whether the harm is 

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intentional or not. 
I don't just, you know, I 

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believe names are attached to 
energy, but they're also 

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attached to the power that we 
give them. 

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So I don't necessarily have like
a nickname anymore. 

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It's just like you are an ender 
script, inanimate, not useful 

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thing that deserves a place in 
my line of thought. 

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And it took me a long time to 
get there. 

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Because when somebody constantly
pokes and toils with you and 

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tries to hurt the dude that you 
love. 

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And you're seeing what's 
happening to once very innocent 

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children who had these innocent 
perspectives of the world and 

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they were blessed with childhood
naivete. 

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Until a mother is showing them 
divorce papers or showing them 

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dad's pictures on vacation or 
saying dad doesn't love you, 

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those things do something to 
you. 

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So I grew up Christian and one 
thing we said is like, honey, 

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you don't call the devil's name 
unless you wanted to come to 

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your door. 
So I don't I don't like I don't 

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even have a name. 
Oh, you, I'm sorry, I didn't 

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answer your question. 
You said, what's something 

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that's a tough question? 
That's a tough question because 

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I've transitioned from a place 
of venting a bunch online to a 

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space of teaching. 
One thing that was a little bit 

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tough in the beginning was to 
take remove my own sense of 

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bias. 
It took me a while to understand

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that just because we call a 
woman a high conflict biological

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mother does not make her that. 
We so often want to put people 

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into these categories because 
that feels comfortable to us. 

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I'm going to put you in this box
so I can understand why you're 

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treating me the way you are. 
That way I can give it a name. 

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And it took me a while to a 
while to be like, oh, wait, not 

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everybody's high conflict. 
You just might be the bitch that

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makes her life harder. 
She might not like your face. 

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She might not, you might not be 
someone that she sees. 

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Does this make her high conflict
or someone that you have 

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difficulty managing that? 
That took a lot. 

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It took me a lot to be like not 
everybody's high conflict. 

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Bio mom and I noticed that one 
of the biggest challenges 

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amongst my clients is they feel 
very, very, they react in a very

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defensive way when I have to 
say, hey honey, she's not high 

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conflict, she just don't like 
you and that's okay. 

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A lot of stepmoms have an issue 
with not being liked because 

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you're so cool and you have 
great intentions. 

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Well girl, the role to hell is 
paved with good intentions. 

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Nobody cares. 
About Oh yeah and there's so 

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many haters I will say that come
after us because we say high 

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conflict bio mom and I agree 
with you. 

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It's not necessarily that that 
person is high conflict or and I

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don't like the narcissistic term
because that is like such a 

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vague category. 
But yeah, you have to call it 

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something because it is a 
situation that all of us are in.

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And I mean, I say all of us 
because most stepmoms aren't 

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just like peachy kosher and 
like, you know, go into, yeah, 

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football games together. 
But yeah, So what do you say to 

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the people that are like, how 
dare you say high conflict bio 

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mom? 
Like because we have to block me

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something block. 
Me. 

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If you don't like it, you're 
going to have to block me, OK? 

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If you don't like my face, 
something I say I need you to 

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make your life better and you 
got a mental illness. 

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If you come into my page every 
day and you don't like me, block

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me, girl. 
That's what I could say. 

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Honestly, make free yourself 
from me. 

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I want you to free yourself. 
But those of you that choose to 

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be here with me and understands 
the lessons, the way that I 

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teach them, you might not like 
my language, you might not like 

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the way that I deliver the 
medicine. 

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You might need somebody to 
sugarcoat things for you. 

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This, this ain't that. 
Like I like to get people from 

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point A to point B as quick as 
possible. 

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And sometimes that is painful. 
Sometimes that means I'm going 

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to attack your ego. 
The ego is just built in fear 

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and it's frail and I don't I 
don't have time to delve in all 

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this stuff anymore. 
So have you always just been 

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like a straight shooter like 
this, like you're just, you've 

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always been like this? 
Or do you think that over time, 

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being a stepmom, you're like, 
you know what? 

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I don't care what she thinks. 
I don't care what my step kids 

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think. 
I don't even care what my 

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husband thinks because I'm so 
secure in who I am and in my 

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role as a stepmom. 
Or did that take you time? 

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I think once I reach like mid 
fees, something literally 

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transition in my brain to where 
I the level that I don't give a 

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fuck is probably criminal, 
probably dangerous. 

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Now there's not anybody that can
make me feel ugly or less than 

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or stupid or not smart enough. 
There's no words. 

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There's nothing that you can 
present to me that would put me 

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in that place. 
But very early on, just in my 

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experiences as a woman growing 
up in the South, we were taught 

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to be docile and nice and kind 
and don't speak your mind 

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because you're going to hurt the
feelings of others. 

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Then I moved to New York and I 
had to become a thug overnight 

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because New York would chew you 
up and spit you out and that 

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nice girl. 
I think all women, all women 

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should come and spend do like a 
six month life class in New York

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because you're going to it's 
going to make a man out of you 

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in the in the in the best way 
possible. 

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If if there's a good way to, you
know, embrace that part of 

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ourselves. 
But I think just in my nature, I

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started off being this nice 
person that that really cared 

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what people think. 
And a lot of the stepmoms that 

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are attracted to me in the way 
that I teach they themselves 

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also in this situation where 
they feel inherently 

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misunderstood and they just just
haven't grown the hair on their 

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chest yet to realize some people
are so committed to 

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misunderstanding you, girl, you 
just got to put some sprinkles 

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00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:28,080
on it and help their asses. 
That's the greatest analogy. 

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00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:30,320
I love all of your your one 
liners. 

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00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:34,600
Becca always like checks me 
because I'm throwing out these 

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stupid lines that I just dumb. 
If you heard our podcast, yeah, 

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00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:45,440
these are even better. 
These are rich stepmoms. 

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00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:47,360
How are you coping with 
transition day? 

234
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:51,080
I'll tell you how I am. 
I'm lighting my big ass candles 

235
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:55,360
to calm my big ass anxieties and
honestly it changes the whole 

236
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,680
mood of the house. 
Same chaos, just calmer vibes 

237
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,920
and way better energy. 
We're obsessed with big ass 

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00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:06,120
candles from big ass luxuries. 
Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. 

239
00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:09,920
If you want to try one, use code
stepmom at checkout for a 

240
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:13,680
discount. 
That's code stepmom at checkout 

241
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:17,200
big ass candles because stepmom 
life comes with big ass 

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00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:27,760
feelings. 
So you have this analogy about a

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00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:31,480
bee and a family. 
Dean 1 egg get into that for 

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00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:36,960
anyone and that that has not for
whatever reason, is not aware of

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00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:40,360
this fabulous and so true 
analogy. 

246
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:44,840
Yeah, yeah, I was on somebody 
else's podcast. 

247
00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:48,600
I was a guest on theirs and 
they, the host was she seemed 

248
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:53,400
very consumed with the actions 
of the high conflict bio mom of 

249
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,280
her step kids, mother of, you 
know, whatever you want to call 

250
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,880
a gremlin face, whatever your 
name is for your that person in 

251
00:12:58,880 --> 00:13:00,760
your life. 
She was very consumed and I 

252
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,640
could tell and and I was like, 
OK, girl, let's do a reframe. 

253
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:04,920
I need you to just sit with me 
here. 

254
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,640
Pretend you're at a BBQ. 
It's a nice hot day. 

255
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:09,800
You're at a barbecue in the 
backyard or in the park. 

256
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:12,760
And one thing we know, when 
there's good food around, great 

257
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:16,280
aromas, music, you're having 
fun, you got Coca-Cola, you got 

258
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:18,480
an open bar. 
It's going to attract pests. 

259
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:22,240
Pests love the good stuff. 
They love the fun. 

260
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,720
It's like they show up when they
know we're having the time of 

261
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,320
our lives. 
And initially, if you don't go 

262
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:30,320
get anything to protect yourself
from the pests, they're going to

263
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:31,320
fly. 
They're going to land on your 

264
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,640
food and you're going to have 
bees around. 

265
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,480
So, OK, cool, what do we go? 
Do we go get the bee repellent? 

266
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,880
Now, a bee is a pretty strong 
pest because it has a Stinger. 

267
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,320
If you let it get near you, it 
could sting you. 

268
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:45,320
So a smart person is going to do
what they need to do to keep 

269
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:48,520
that thing that is harmful to 
keep it at arm's length. 

270
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,000
Maybe you're going to put on a 
particular lotions. 

271
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:54,240
They have insect spray. 
You're going to light one of the

272
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,040
citronella candles, whatever it 
is that you have to do. 

273
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:57,520
OK, cool, we got rid of the 
bees. 

274
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,840
But then there's the other past.
The big past is gone now. 

275
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:04,040
Then the the, the past being the
high conflict person or the 

276
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:07,200
chaos that they bring to your 
life and that spray or that 

277
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:11,080
centronella, I'm going to equate
that to you putting some sort of

278
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:14,680
paperwork in orders or so that 
you can kind of compartmentalize

279
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:16,600
them, right. 
But then they start doing other 

280
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,720
things. 
They're they have to be a bit 

281
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,240
more crafty to reach you. 
So then we got this fly. 

282
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:25,000
Flies will go and land on shit 
and then come and sit on your 

283
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,600
barbecue and you would go and 
eat that BBQ. 

284
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:31,600
Flies are gusting. 
Pets fly I think maggots aren't.

285
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,040
Don't maggots become flies? 
Like flies are awful. 

286
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:35,360
I hate maggots and crawly 
things. 

287
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:38,160
By the way, yeah. 
Yeah, yeah, I'm going to speed 

288
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,360
this up because it's taking too 
long, but I want you guys to 

289
00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:42,240
understand this, your listeners 
to understand this. 

290
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:45,560
So then the fly, the fly is 
around and then we find a 

291
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:49,400
repellent for this fly. 
The fly is a pest that's not 

292
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:52,080
going to sting you and make it. 
I don't know if you've gotten a 

293
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:55,760
bee sting before, guys, but that
bee sting, I equate that to 

294
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:59,560
getting served with paperwork or
having CPS called on you and 

295
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,560
your house under your kids or 
something upsetting your 

296
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:03,800
household. 
It's invasive. 

297
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,520
It's instantly painful. 
The fly isn't like that. 

298
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,920
We've gotten rid of the bee, but
now the fly is here. 

299
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,720
So you do what you got to do. 
You get the fly repellent, but 

300
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:15,680
then, OK, no more flies. 
But damn, y'all, now the flies 

301
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,760
are gone. 
Here comes the gnats. 

302
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:21,520
Now gnats are annoying. 
They're not as intrusive or 

303
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:24,640
invasive as the fly. 
You know, you can kind of fan 

304
00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:27,040
them off your food and all you 
need to do is set up a fan, 

305
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:30,080
occasionally put a fan over 
there, put a fan over there and 

306
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,680
you'll kind of keep the gnats 
away. 

307
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:35,360
I equate all of this to you 
finding systems in your 

308
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:38,560
household, your life, your 
relationship to minimize the 

309
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:42,560
effects and take the Stinger out
of the high conflict by your 

310
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,480
mom. 
She can't come and bring her 

311
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,400
shitty shoes and put them in 
your carpet as the flywood 

312
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,920
because you don't have, she 
doesn't have the type of access 

313
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:53,160
to you anymore. 
A net is a mere annoyance and 

314
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:55,040
I'm going to, I'm cool with 
dealing with the net because I 

315
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,440
can shoo them away. 
I can block the net. 

316
00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:00,360
I cannot listen to the net. 
I can make sure that I do my 

317
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,960
cognitive work to lessen the 
effects of this annoying net. 

318
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:08,400
So I've taken away the sting and
now I have this mere occasional 

319
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:11,920
annoyance to deal with. 
And that's how I kind of 

320
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:14,560
minimize the effects. 
Or that's how I teach people to 

321
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:18,320
see, to visualize the effects of
making this one thing that felt 

322
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:21,720
massive to you, squishing it 
into something that's just a 

323
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,280
gnat girl. 
You a gnat out of here. 

324
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,800
I I'm obsessed with that analogy
that that's too funny. 

325
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,320
And honestly, it's real. 
It's real. 

326
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,320
So, you know, this is a good 
segue. 

327
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:36,640
Then what's a boundary if you 
feel comfortable sharing that 

328
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:40,720
you've set in your life with 
maybe a high conflict person 

329
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,160
that maybe you thought was was 
harsh at the time, but it really

330
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,840
just, it changed the whole 
dynamic so that that B wasn't 

331
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,040
stinging you. 
Like, how did you get that 

332
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,360
repellent? 
What did you do? 

333
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:55,720
Yeah, So what? 
I regret not setting boundaries 

334
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:59,600
with high conflict people, 
situation, job, work, just all 

335
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,320
these scenarios. 
I regret that because I realized

336
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:06,640
that how many people did I allow
to have access to me because I 

337
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:09,079
was being nice and I cared about
not hurting them, but they 

338
00:17:09,079 --> 00:17:11,800
didn't care about hurting me. 
Once I realized nausea, you are 

339
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,119
allowing this, that changed the 
game for me. 

340
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:16,880
One thing I tell my clients, 
this is my own rule. 

341
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,359
It's my rule now actually. 
And I started sharing with the 

342
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,240
with clients and publicly is if 
you don't want the high conflict

343
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:26,280
person or a scenario that's in 
your life that's bothersome to 

344
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:29,400
run rampant in your head all 
day, you got to compartmentalize

345
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:31,720
it. 
I'm so big on that because when 

346
00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,080
you teach your brain, she's 
going to think about this thing 

347
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,280
all day, she's going to say 
words, then the words are going 

348
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:38,240
to become action. 
It's never going to stop. 

349
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,320
And we learned this in CBTDBT, 
different types of therapies. 

350
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:45,000
So one of the rules is we don't 
talk about business, we don't 

351
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,560
talk about drama. 
We don't talk about any of that 

352
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,440
stuff in our marital bedroom. 
It's not allowed. 

353
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:53,800
I will not lay in my bed and 
talk to my husband about a 

354
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,480
dumpster fire of any sort that's
happening. 

355
00:17:57,080 --> 00:18:00,600
We save those things maybe for, 
you know, hey and breakfast when

356
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,320
we're catching up. 
Oh hey, this is the order of 

357
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:04,360
business. 
It's literally the, it's a one 

358
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,240
liner. 
It's a one liner and we're done 

359
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,120
with it. 
You catch me up on the bullshit,

360
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,160
I'm going to catch you up. 
OK, let's move on. 

361
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:14,160
I've literally trained my brain 
to not sit and focus on that 

362
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:17,000
which should not fester in my 
mind. 

363
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,160
We don't talk about crap on date
nights. 

364
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:23,160
We make ourselves unavailable 
and inaccessible for certain 

365
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,400
people and things, especially 
those that are chaotic. 

366
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:29,920
I had this question because it 
sounds like and you know, I've 

367
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:31,920
been following you for a really 
long time now. 

368
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,760
So, you know, without, you know,
sharing maybe too much, it 

369
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,000
sounds like you know, he might 
have had a high conflict bio mom

370
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:40,960
to deal with. 
You know, during secret I got. 

371
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:45,200
Whole damn books about it, I got
books about it I got, I've been 

372
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,160
on TV, national TV talking about
it. 

373
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:52,560
Like everybody knows that. 
So I want to know if that high 

374
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:56,960
conflict bio mom affected your 
relationship with your step kids

375
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,800
and your husband. 
Like how did that all align? 

376
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,520
Because I have heard from 
stepmoms, I have experience in 

377
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,840
my own stepmom life that's been 
really hurtful for me as you 

378
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:09,040
know, his partner because I'm 
like, look, he's such this great

379
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,720
guy. 
He's such this great dad and and

380
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:15,040
so how did how is that all 
affected you and your step kids?

381
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:18,520
I think from the jump I knew 
that alienation. 

382
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,200
I didn't know the name for it in
the very beginning. 

383
00:19:21,360 --> 00:19:24,840
But you know how if you're 
afraid if you're a girl that's 

384
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:28,160
that's child free or you don't 
have your own kids yet, whether 

385
00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,480
you've made the decision or not,
then one of the things that a 

386
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,240
lot of us were afraid of is 
like, I don't want to deal with 

387
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,160
baby Mama drama. 
Like I don't want to deal with a

388
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:37,320
crazy bitch. 
Like like why would I bring that

389
00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:40,880
type of crap into my life? 
Like no dude is worth all that. 

390
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:45,000
But I think, I think quite early
on I was like, this is going to 

391
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:47,600
come with some mess. 
This is going to come with 

392
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:51,440
associated with some mess. 
I did not know the gamut of how 

393
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:53,760
much cuz my mom and dad are 
still married. 

394
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,000
All my aunties and uncles, 
grandma and granddaddy, like 

395
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:59,520
everybody, we didn't see divorce
in the family. 

396
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:03,000
So me being just naive or and 
experienced in that realm, I 

397
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:07,240
never actually knew that a 
person would intentionally to 

398
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,560
hurt their other parent, their 
their child's other parent. 

399
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,080
I've never knew that. 
That a woman would intentionally

400
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,800
make a kid read an e-mail or 
read a text message, a kid 

401
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:18,160
that's just now learning to 
read. 

402
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:22,120
I never knew that a woman would 
say your dad doesn't love you 

403
00:20:22,120 --> 00:20:25,360
because he's with nausea. 
You see, he's on vacation with 

404
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,240
nausea in Mexico. 
Your dad doesn't come to get to 

405
00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:30,960
pick you up, does he? 
I never knew that a woman would 

406
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:35,040
deny the dad that's banging on 
the door and has a cops call to 

407
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:39,280
come get his kids for his 
parenting time would be denied 

408
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,480
parenting time and the mother 
would conveniently be saved. 

409
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,920
Well, he never showed up. 
There's so many instances on 

410
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:48,600
paper sitting in the little box 
that I always tell stepmoms to 

411
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,360
save when one day those kids 
want to know why you weren't 

412
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:53,240
there. 
Dad, take the damn box and read 

413
00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:54,680
the box and then come back and 
holler at me. 

414
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:58,640
I never knew that this type. 
I thought I was on TV. 

415
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,040
I've seen mommy dearest stupid 
ass me. 

416
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:02,520
I never knew that this was for 
real. 

417
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,600
And that's, that's a privilege 
of mine. 

418
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,400
I'd sat in that privilege for 
many years until I had to come 

419
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:10,400
out of that ignorance. 
So I knew that it was going to 

420
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,080
be tougher than not. 
And I was told very early on, 

421
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:16,560
bitch, you'll never, my kids 
will never know you as anything.

422
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:20,480
They won't even know you. 
I was told probably like a month

423
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:23,200
in, being cool, being cool, 
like, hey, I'm not sure. 

424
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,520
Like, why would you not want to 
be my friend? 

425
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,720
Like I'm the cool auntie. 
I'm going to take your kids to 

426
00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:28,120
Paris. 
We're going to have a great 

427
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,000
time. 
Hey, I get all this free stuff 

428
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:31,440
from all over the place that I 
don't use. 

429
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,480
Hey, the kids want it. 
Like it could have been that. 

430
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:36,800
So that was a very heartbreaking
notion, but I had to accept it. 

431
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,320
I've moved into a place which is
radical acceptance. 

432
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:41,400
That was. 
A long answer am I like I'm 

433
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:43,960
giving really long answers here 
y'all just butt in if I'm my 

434
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:48,600
answers are getting too long. 
Well, you said you're the cool 

435
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,880
auntie. 
That's exactly the analogy that 

436
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,720
I give of like what are these 
kids to us? 

437
00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,840
For outsiders that don't 
understand they are like our 

438
00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,360
niece and nephew because we love
them a little bit more than like

439
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:04,440
our friends kids and like my 
kids friends, but not it's not 

440
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:07,480
the same as like my bio kids. 
So like it's kind of like your 

441
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:09,200
niece and nephew. 
Sure, stay the night. 

442
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:12,840
I'd rather have you longer than 
like my friend's kids, but don't

443
00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,160
stay that long. 
You got to go home at some 

444
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,400
point. 
You know, and I'm looking OK 

445
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:22,240
when I say cool auntie. 
There are some of my friends 

446
00:22:22,440 --> 00:22:27,120
whose children call me Auntie 
and they have an expectation to 

447
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,360
see me. 
They have an expectation for me 

448
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,440
to come pick them up from 
school. 

449
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:36,360
But then their parent, who is a 
friend of mine, encourages them 

450
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:39,480
to love me and respect me and 
treat me as such. 

451
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,000
Those relationships come with 
ease, a mutual love and respect.

452
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:45,040
I literally do anything for 
them. 

453
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:47,840
I love being able to send them 
back home, home to their parents

454
00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:50,080
though. 
But I love having them with me 

455
00:22:50,240 --> 00:22:52,280
when I think of an alienated 
stepchild. 

456
00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:54,480
When they come into your home, 
they come into your space. 

457
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:58,720
These kids are carrying the 
baggage of strife, maybe another

458
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:02,160
parent's mental illness or 
disordered personality. 

459
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:05,920
They're carrying their other 
parents this heavy 50 LB bag of 

460
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,640
vengeance from their mom's 
house, and they're bringing it 

461
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,200
into your house and they're 
suffocating the good air out of 

462
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,400
your home. 
You and your partner are tense 

463
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,640
with each other. 
Your kids are uncomfortable. 

464
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:17,320
So I can be cool. 
Who, Auntie? 

465
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:20,800
In terms of I'm going to keep 
you alive while you're here, If 

466
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,320
you allow me to pour into you, I
will. 

467
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,520
But if you've been taught to 
stay away from me, the only 

468
00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,320
thing I asked for is boundaries 
and respect. 

469
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:30,840
That's all I can do. 
What? 

470
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:35,760
Would you say to a stepmom that 
is experiencing what you just 

471
00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:38,800
described? 
Because I know so many stepmoms 

472
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:40,640
can relate to what you just 
said. 

473
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:44,280
You know, the alienated 
stepchild, they come to visit or

474
00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:48,840
it's their week at dad's house 
and like you said, mom and dad 

475
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:52,840
or you know, you and husband, 
it's tense IO kids, it's tense 

476
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:58,160
other kids in the house tents. 
And you just feel this layer of 

477
00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:01,800
complexity in your home. 
And there's nothing as a stepmom

478
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:03,800
that you can really do to fix it
per SE. 

479
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:07,200
But what would you stay to a 
stepmom that that's experiencing

480
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:08,400
that? 
I was actually on the phone with

481
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:11,680
a client the other day, so I'm 
going to tell you what I what I 

482
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:13,360
told her. 
I said she was like, Naja, you 

483
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:16,440
know, the whole tone in the 
house changes when they're here.

484
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:18,600
I said, well, girl, it's your 
damn house. 

485
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:22,520
How are these little beings that
are looking for love and 

486
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:26,280
desperate for guidance and who 
are being misguided by a woman 

487
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:29,720
who has become their center? 
Star said first you have to 

488
00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:31,080
control the temperament in your 
home. 

489
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:34,520
No child, no adult, no person is
ever going to step foot in my 

490
00:24:34,520 --> 00:24:37,160
and Naja's home and not say, 
hey, how you doing? 

491
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:40,760
How are you cool? 
At a minimum, just basic 

492
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:44,000
respective, treat me like you 
would the mail person or the 

493
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,800
delivery person. 
Say hello like a teacher. 

494
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:48,760
Cool. 
But these kids are coming in 

495
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:52,120
with this extra like this extra 
sense of almost hatred. 

496
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,160
These women equip their 
children. 

497
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,400
And these women are the first 
ones, not the only, not only 

498
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,360
their kids, first bullies, but 
they're teaching them how to 

499
00:24:58,360 --> 00:24:59,880
hate. 
They're teaching them how to be 

500
00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:04,520
Mean Girls and bully boys. 
So the second thing I say is 

501
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:08,880
tell the stepmom, what if you 
had a very sweet stepchild who 

502
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:12,080
was physically impaired? 
Wouldn't you build a ramp so 

503
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:13,440
that they can come into the 
house? 

504
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,200
They're like absolutely right. 
So that, you know, wheelchair 

505
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,360
accessible, You'd make things 
accessible in your home. 

506
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:22,560
I said these alienated 
stepchildren are impaired. 

507
00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:26,440
They are not like the normies 
walking around here that you can

508
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:30,320
just play and go like these kids
need an extra layer. 

509
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:34,120
And while this we have more 
sympathy for the stepchild 

510
00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,120
that's in the wheelchair. 
Oh, we're helping them reach 

511
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:39,080
this reach the dish because they
can't get it and they have the 

512
00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,600
sweetest little temperament. 
I need you to see these 

513
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:45,080
alienated step kids as they're 
not fully functional. 

514
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:50,160
And it's hard to have sympathy 
or even show empathy when the 

515
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:53,640
visceral that they're directing 
at you feels like it hurts you. 

516
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:57,080
But girl, how much like once you
say, OK, my kid is is mentally 

517
00:25:57,080 --> 00:26:00,560
emotional stunted. 
This stepchild is not able to 

518
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:02,600
even be nice. 
This is fucked up. 

519
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:06,560
Like this parent has a mess up. 
So I need us to start injecting 

520
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:09,080
a bit of empathy and sympathy 
and like, Oh my God, you poor 

521
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,520
dear soul. 
What would I want to do? 

522
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:14,520
How would I want somebody to 
treat me if I was a puppy from 

523
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:17,800
the pound and I got beat every 
day of my life and I'm going 

524
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:20,360
into this new house and there's 
just food everywhere. 

525
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:23,000
Their step kids are sheepish. 
They don't know how to receive 

526
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:26,240
love the way that you give it. 
They don't know how to patients.

527
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,200
They can't even make decisions 
for themselves because their 

528
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:32,400
other parent literally has 
parentified them so much that 

529
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,760
they have to ask permission just
to think. 

530
00:26:34,920 --> 00:26:37,960
They are afraid to think freely.
So I need you to keep that in 

531
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:39,760
mind when these kids are coming 
in your house. 

532
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,000
This is your opportunity you're 
going to have to be on. 

533
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,440
This is your opportunity to 
teach. 

534
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:46,760
Your ministry is showing them, 
maybe not directly telling them,

535
00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:50,040
but indirectly showing them what
it's like to be a loving mother,

536
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:53,200
partner, wife, what it's like to
have healthy conflict. 

537
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,440
When you and your partner are in
a heated discussion, they're 

538
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:57,400
watching you and they're 
literally desperate. 

539
00:26:57,520 --> 00:26:59,840
Learn another way. 
And so you got to show them. 

540
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:03,400
Yeah, I noticed that the kids 
can be stunted in so many ways. 

541
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,880
They're emotionally stunted. 
They can't handle like every 

542
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:10,440
single thing my husband says 
that kids get hurt like 1 

543
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:13,280
little, it'll be a bee sting or 
a hangnail. 

544
00:27:13,520 --> 00:27:15,840
And my husband's like, oh, 
they're out for the season. 

545
00:27:16,080 --> 00:27:20,760
They can't handle physically. 
They're like stunted like at the

546
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:25,680
other house we see a lot that 
the little one who's 7 now I 

547
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:27,800
tell people all the time, oh, I 
have a 5 year old and I'm like, 

548
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,560
no, I'm not. 
He literally stopped at 5 and 

549
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:34,240
he's just gotten bigger. 
But it's because she ties his 

550
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:36,280
shoes for him still. 
She helped him get dressed. 

551
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:39,360
She brushes his teeth and it's 
like my 3 year old brushes her 

552
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:41,720
own teeth. 
So there are so many things that

553
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:46,640
they it's so sad that they can't
do but contrast. 

554
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:50,600
So the respect thing to me where
I find the issue where we hear a

555
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:53,520
lot of our stepmoms in our 
membership saying that like they

556
00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:58,480
have an issue with the loyalty 
bind aspect of it where the kids

557
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:03,840
are so locked into mom that they
like they've been told you don't

558
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:07,000
have to respect daddy and Lissa.
You don't have to go over and 

559
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:09,520
listen to what they say. 
They're they don't go to all 

560
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,360
your games. 
So why you have to, you know, 

561
00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:15,040
care for your siblings games. 
They're told these things like 

562
00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:16,880
I've heard it from the 
children's mouths. 

563
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:20,520
So I see that they have that 
loyalty by then to their mom 

564
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:23,280
too. 
So how do you separate that to 

565
00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:27,320
make them be respectful when 
they just see you then as being 

566
00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:29,680
mean because you're like, well, 
you need to respect me. 

567
00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:32,280
But they're told and they're 
trained that you're a terrible 

568
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,320
person. 
You're you know, you don't 

569
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:37,040
deserve respect. 
How do you break the loyalty 

570
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:38,320
bind? 
Can you I? 

571
00:28:38,360 --> 00:28:42,320
Would not focus so much on 
saying I'm going to break this 

572
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:44,480
loyalty bind. 
I'm going to break it because 

573
00:28:44,560 --> 00:28:46,640
kids are going to identify with 
the weaker parent. 

574
00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:48,880
I say this at least once a week 
on my page. 

575
00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:53,120
They identify, feel empathy, 
sympathy, cling to the parent 

576
00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:55,560
that's weaker. 
The weaker parent is the one 

577
00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:59,360
that's teaching them to 
disrespect and to ignore and to 

578
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:01,200
like have all these unhealthy 
habits. 

579
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:04,080
That's what a weak parent does. 
The weak parent is leading 

580
00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,120
parenting from the place of fear
and parenting from their own 

581
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,400
ego. 
They are so deathly afraid of 

582
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,520
their kid forming a bond with 
you that they're going to teach 

583
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:15,320
this kid to hate instead of 
teach this child to love. 

584
00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:19,320
That is weak as hell. 
You're just a weak woman if if 

585
00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,440
that's how you choose to preside
over a child's life, that's how 

586
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:24,680
you choose to lead. 
So I wouldn't be so focused on 

587
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:28,360
breaking the loyalty bind 
because the kid it is going to 

588
00:29:28,360 --> 00:29:30,520
do that. 
What I believe we should all be 

589
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:33,680
doing and even encouraging our 
partners to do is give these 

590
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:37,600
children the tools to refute 
what the liar says. 

591
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:39,760
Right. 
There's a quote Oh my God. 

592
00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,800
I can't remember who the quote 
is from but it says I would 

593
00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:46,600
rather I would rather build it. 
It's hard to unlearn it. 

594
00:29:46,600 --> 00:29:48,280
Please y'all. 
Damn, I wish I would have went 

595
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:50,320
to look at this quote, but 
basically it's saying, would you

596
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:55,080
rather teach a grown man to 
unlearn bad habits or teach him 

597
00:29:55,120 --> 00:29:59,000
all of the habits from the jump,
meaning from zero, zero to 18. 

598
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:03,480
So it is a responsibility of 
everyone around a child who has 

599
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:06,560
a very weak parent to teach 
these kids. 

600
00:30:06,560 --> 00:30:08,720
If mom says, oh, you don't have 
to respect Becca. 

601
00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,520
Like you can even call her a 
name if you want to. 

602
00:30:11,720 --> 00:30:14,040
And if the kid says my mom says 
I can call you a bitch, Becca, 

603
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:19,560
you're a big old fat bitch. 
You're going to right? 

604
00:30:19,800 --> 00:30:22,640
You're going to say, well, tell 
me what a big fat bitch is. 

605
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:24,560
Like seriously, I want you to 
just tell me what a big fat 

606
00:30:24,560 --> 00:30:26,520
bitch is. 
What you'll learn is that kids 

607
00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:28,320
that are parentified, they can't
think for themselves. 

608
00:30:28,320 --> 00:30:30,840
And so they mom hasn't given the
answer, they're going to start 

609
00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:32,880
glitching. 
Well, a big fat right? 

610
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,880
So and like how big is big? 
Because if you're going to call 

611
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:38,920
me names, is this this is for 
any adult, anyone that I even 

612
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:41,000
have a debate with. 
I need to understand your 

613
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,080
motivations. 
And the child is going to you 

614
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:44,400
know, I'm going to say, well, 
where'd you get that? 

615
00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:47,480
From the people that nobody 
talks to me like that. 

616
00:30:47,480 --> 00:30:48,880
So where'd you get? 
I'm a big fat bitch. 

617
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,000
Like, am I fat? 
Well, no. 

618
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:53,720
OK, Like, So what have I done to
you to make you think I'm a 

619
00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:55,320
bitch? 
And the kid, what happens is a 

620
00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:57,160
kid is going to clam up and get 
quiet. 

621
00:30:57,360 --> 00:31:01,040
If a the person knows that they 
are outgunned out, man out, 

622
00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:04,280
you're out intellectual, you're 
outsmarted, then they're going 

623
00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:05,960
to get smaller and smaller and 
smaller. 

624
00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:08,400
So they're going to challenge 
you less and less and less. 

625
00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:12,120
If you use words against me, 
you're going to have to explain 

626
00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,400
what those words mean. 
And what I find is that these 

627
00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:18,120
kids that come over that have 
just been fed the lingo. 

628
00:31:18,160 --> 00:31:20,120
They don't have the words 
they're going to, they're going 

629
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:22,240
to get small, they're probably 
going to cry. 

630
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:24,560
And then you can say, you can 
even say, well, who told you to 

631
00:31:24,560 --> 00:31:26,680
say that? 
Because it's like nobody around 

632
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,720
here talks like that. 
Like, there's literally not any 

633
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:31,760
adult in this house that will 
ever teach a child to say such a

634
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:33,840
nasty, vile thing. 
Because people that talk like 

635
00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:35,960
that, they don't make it too far
in the world. 

636
00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:38,400
They don't really have friends. 
Nobody truly likes them. 

637
00:31:38,400 --> 00:31:40,280
So who taught you that? 
They're never going to say 

638
00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:42,480
mommy. 
But now you've taught them. 

639
00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:46,440
You've put a seed in their head 
and you've taught them a new 

640
00:31:46,440 --> 00:31:49,720
pattern of thinking. 
We have to constantly challenge 

641
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:51,320
what these kids are allowed to 
think. 

642
00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:55,440
Because if by some snowballs 
chance in hell that they stop 

643
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:57,760
drinking the kool-aid and 
they're able to think for 

644
00:31:57,760 --> 00:32:00,520
themselves, they're going to 
remember all of these things 

645
00:32:00,520 --> 00:32:03,560
that you said to them and taught
them and they'll have that to 

646
00:32:03,560 --> 00:32:05,480
refer to. 
Our responsibility is not to 

647
00:32:05,480 --> 00:32:07,800
kill the loyalty bond. 
It's just to give them the 

648
00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,880
references and tools so that 
when they're ready to kill it, 

649
00:32:10,960 --> 00:32:12,200
because this is their cross to 
bear. 

650
00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:14,280
It ain't Charles. 
It's not our cross to bear. 

651
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:17,640
If they're ready, they can pick 
up the tools that you and dad 

652
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:20,280
and everybody that truly loved 
them and wanted to see them grow

653
00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:23,440
gave them and they can use them.
Not, and that's really, that's 

654
00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,720
really, that's really cool to 
see though, because I think now 

655
00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:29,440
that I'm farther in my stepmom 
journey, I'm a little bit 

656
00:32:29,640 --> 00:32:32,760
hopefully more mature and have a
little bit more tools in my 

657
00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:37,280
toolbox to be able to respond to
those remarks without becoming 

658
00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:41,760
so emotional and reactive. 
So I, I try to take a lot of 

659
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:45,520
proactive steps now, you know, 
I'm not perfect by any means, 

660
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:48,280
you know, but I did want to go 
into something really fast with 

661
00:32:48,280 --> 00:32:53,080
you about this high conflict 
dynamic and how you and your own

662
00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:56,440
life or you know, and the 
stepmoms you work with lives, 

663
00:32:56,600 --> 00:33:00,600
how it affects the marriage 
between the stepmom and the 

664
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:03,240
husband. 
And any advice you would have 

665
00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:06,400
for, for that stepmom. 
Because I truly believe, 

666
00:33:06,520 --> 00:33:09,440
especially in the beginning, it 
it affects a marriage. 

667
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:12,480
Yeah, yeah. 
If you make it through year one,

668
00:33:12,520 --> 00:33:15,440
I'm so I'm proud of you. 
Whether you are a long term 

669
00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:18,080
partner, you're married on paper
or however you choose to. 

670
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:20,800
You know, if you decided that 
this is going to be your person,

671
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:23,080
you make it through that first 
year and you're dealing with a 

672
00:33:23,080 --> 00:33:25,040
high conflict person, I commend 
you. 

673
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:27,520
I know that it's affected your 
your relationship. 

674
00:33:27,520 --> 00:33:30,600
I know you've lost sleep. 
I know that as a woman, it's 

675
00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:32,760
caused you to resent your 
partner because you're looking 

676
00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:35,560
at them like are you dumb? 
Like why'd you even like why'd 

677
00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:38,040
you get that knock that bitch 
out like what's wrong with you? 

678
00:33:38,040 --> 00:33:42,200
Are you yes, right. 
We all ask ourselves questions 

679
00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:44,280
like that. 
So that leads you to resent your

680
00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:47,000
partner, maybe even lose a 
little bit of respect for them 

681
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:51,200
because how could you go from 
that to all of this? 

682
00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:54,920
I'm glad you wisened up. 
It might it might even make you 

683
00:33:54,920 --> 00:33:57,480
question yourself and your own 
value because you're like, wait,

684
00:33:57,480 --> 00:34:00,520
he did go from that to this. 
Am I like no girl, you're not 

685
00:34:00,520 --> 00:34:02,360
No, no, no, you're not You're 
still here. 

686
00:34:02,600 --> 00:34:04,280
You're still here. 
So don't even let that lie come 

687
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:07,360
in anywhere into your head. 
So that's the thing like work on

688
00:34:07,360 --> 00:34:10,040
the level of resent. 
If you have resent your person 

689
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,280
had a life before you, honey, 
you had a life before them. 

690
00:34:13,440 --> 00:34:15,679
And if you were so happy in your
life and everything was working 

691
00:34:15,679 --> 00:34:18,560
out perfectly, how were you able
even aligned to find them? 

692
00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:21,600
So you both found each other. 
So don't look down on your 

693
00:34:21,600 --> 00:34:24,000
partner because he did that. 
You made mistakes too. 

694
00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:26,199
You just didn't get knocked up 
by everyone and have to still 

695
00:34:26,199 --> 00:34:28,400
talk to them. 
So now that we got that done out

696
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:31,239
of the way, the second thing is,
as I mentioned earlier, please 

697
00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:34,040
compartmentalize conversations 
about high conflict stuff 

698
00:34:34,280 --> 00:34:37,199
compartmentalize and you don't 
talk about it in your marital or

699
00:34:37,199 --> 00:34:40,560
your your couple's bedroom. 
You only have certain spaces. 

700
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,159
I'll give you I'll give you 30 
minutes a day to talk about 

701
00:34:43,159 --> 00:34:44,960
that. 
Everybody does listening to 

702
00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:49,040
this, you get 30 minutes and 1 
sitting to talk about it. 

703
00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:51,880
Once you have used up your 30 
minutes, that's it. 

704
00:34:52,000 --> 00:34:54,679
Next thing I want you to do you 
and some this might be 

705
00:34:54,679 --> 00:34:58,560
controversial but I find that 
the stepmoms that have the 

706
00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:03,040
easier time does finances play a
play a big part in the happiness

707
00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:05,680
of your relationship and what 
you the flexibility that you 

708
00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:07,320
have. 
If your partner is in a 

709
00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:11,040
situation where he has a 
handshake deal with the other Co

710
00:35:11,040 --> 00:35:13,560
parent. 
There's no paperwork anywhere 

711
00:35:13,560 --> 00:35:15,800
involved. 
You're cruising for a bruising. 

712
00:35:16,640 --> 00:35:20,600
We we stick to the paperwork 
exactly as it is and all we are 

713
00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:23,360
in big trouble if we are two 
minutes late to drop off or pick

714
00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:25,480
up. 
But they have more of an open 

715
00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:28,240
communication situation where 
they can say, hey, you want to 

716
00:35:28,240 --> 00:35:29,760
take the kid today? 
Yeah, that kind of thing. 

717
00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:32,640
So yeah, I guess that's where it
gets confusing. 

718
00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:35,640
I'm like. 
Yeah, like I'm cool with that. 

719
00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:39,240
But yeah, like I, I see the 
paperwork is like, that's our 

720
00:35:39,240 --> 00:35:41,280
Bible. 
That's like our family law. 

721
00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:43,200
I'll say it better. 
That's the law for our 

722
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:46,160
particular family. 
And if the Co parents are cool 

723
00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:49,600
enough, they have a cohesive 
enough relationship that centers

724
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:51,600
a child. 
I can't pick them up at 2. 

725
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:53,400
Can you get them at six? 
Absolutely. 

726
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:55,840
We can deviate from it. 
But in cases where we're 

727
00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:59,600
deadlocked or there is high 
conflict, these are the this is 

728
00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:01,200
the law. 
This is what we got to follow. 

729
00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:05,880
If a man has kids with another 
person, even if it's a great Co 

730
00:36:05,880 --> 00:36:09,560
parenting relationship, even in 
great business partnerships. 

731
00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:11,240
You guys have a podcast 
together. 

732
00:36:11,240 --> 00:36:13,280
I'm sure you got some sort of 
paperwork together. 

733
00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:16,960
You sign a lease or a mortgage 
to live in your home when you 

734
00:36:16,960 --> 00:36:18,960
get your new job. 
Like you sign the paperwork 

735
00:36:18,960 --> 00:36:20,960
everywhere. 
If you have kids with somebody 

736
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:23,760
else, honey, that handshake deal
is going to wear off. 

737
00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:25,560
It's going to wear off and 
things are going to need to 

738
00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:27,000
change. 
She's cool now. 

739
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:30,040
She's been cool for 10 years. 
She gets a new guy in her life. 

740
00:36:30,160 --> 00:36:31,840
He all of a sudden wants things 
to change. 

741
00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:34,560
So a man that cares about you is
going to get his paperwork work 

742
00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:37,480
in order, at least he's going to
have paternity established. 

743
00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:39,960
There's going to be a certain 
amount that he knows he has to 

744
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:41,960
pay. 
So you can know exactly what 

745
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:44,840
money is leaving your household 
and the visitation will be 

746
00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:47,840
established. 
Now, some men don't like when I 

747
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:50,080
say though, I don't want to get 
the courts of my business, baby,

748
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:52,680
we'll turn in your damn driver's
license and passport then. 

749
00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:55,120
So don't pick. 
We can't pick these chooses with

750
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:58,240
that. 
And what else? 

751
00:36:58,480 --> 00:36:59,880
I think that's all. 
I mean, I could go on and on and

752
00:36:59,880 --> 00:37:01,880
on, but that's just what I can 
think of off the Dome. 

753
00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:03,080
No, no. 
You're good. 

754
00:37:03,080 --> 00:37:05,760
That's good. 
Were there ever, like times in 

755
00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:07,800
the beginning where you were 
just like, you know what? 

756
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:09,440
I can't do this. 
I'm out. 

757
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:14,840
The other day. 
So like, what did you do to Like

758
00:37:14,880 --> 00:37:16,640
what? 
What do you do to regulate 

759
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:18,560
yourself when those moments 
come? 

760
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:19,560
Yeah. 
OK. 

761
00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:22,960
In the beginning, anxiety got 
the best of me. 

762
00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:25,680
I would be like, Naja, you can't
do this. 

763
00:37:25,680 --> 00:37:29,520
And it would be approaching A 
visitation or some sort of 

764
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:31,360
thing. 
And then one thing I would 

765
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:34,640
realize is when the kids would 
get there, like for me, the kids

766
00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:37,800
has been the kids have been the 
best part of the stepmothering 

767
00:37:37,800 --> 00:37:40,560
experience. 
Once we're all together, it's 

768
00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:43,040
really cool. 
Like it's real. 

769
00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:46,160
Like there's some really 
freaking cool individuals, which

770
00:37:46,160 --> 00:37:49,600
is one thing that led me to be 
like, how can how can a high 

771
00:37:49,600 --> 00:37:51,960
conflict bio mom raise such cool
people? 

772
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:54,760
And so cognitive dissonance 
started happening in my own 

773
00:37:54,760 --> 00:37:56,960
mind. 
Like this is interesting. 

774
00:37:57,080 --> 00:37:59,200
Is she as high conflict whole 
nother conversation. 

775
00:37:59,400 --> 00:38:02,400
But the thing that would talk me
off the ledge is my husband 

776
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:04,200
would be like, Hey, have you 
ever noticed that, that you get 

777
00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:07,640
so antsy before they come and 
then while you're here, it's 

778
00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:09,480
cool. 
So it's just the anxiety leading

779
00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:11,280
up to it. 
You got to develop some sort of 

780
00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:14,680
habits, traditions or patterns 
to calm your own mind. 

781
00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:17,880
Now, if your anxiety proves true
and then you are thrown in the 

782
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:20,920
midst of fire. 
I don't advocate for anybody to 

783
00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:23,880
stay in a situation that's 
literally causing them to lose 

784
00:38:23,880 --> 00:38:27,120
their mental health or causing 
them to have premature aging or 

785
00:38:27,160 --> 00:38:28,400
any stress or anything like 
that. 

786
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:33,200
I don't advocate for that, but 
it's usually not as bad as our 

787
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:36,400
brains tell us it is. 
Y'all, It's usually not like, 

788
00:38:36,400 --> 00:38:37,840
did you die? 
No. 

789
00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:39,640
Did it suck? 
Yeah. 

790
00:38:39,680 --> 00:38:42,960
I'm so talk yourself down and 
have some ways to kind of talk 

791
00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:45,720
and calm yourself down. 
That really helped me in the 

792
00:38:45,720 --> 00:38:48,760
beginning to be like, Naja. 
It's not as bad as your brain 

793
00:38:48,760 --> 00:38:50,520
would have you to believe. 
Your brain is just trying to 

794
00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:52,560
protect you. 
It's not fire. 

795
00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:55,480
You've not been burned too many 
times and if you have, you've 

796
00:38:55,520 --> 00:38:58,120
been OK because you've grown so 
much. 

797
00:38:58,120 --> 00:38:59,760
You've written another e-book or
something. 

798
00:39:00,160 --> 00:39:01,600
Something's landed. 
Just everything's. 

799
00:39:01,600 --> 00:39:05,000
Every time something has been 
thrown my way to try to harm me,

800
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:09,560
it matriculates into something 
massive beyond my imagination. 

801
00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:11,560
So it's blessings on blessings 
on blessings. 

802
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:13,880
Look at it like that. 
How can I transition this this 

803
00:39:13,880 --> 00:39:15,800
shit to sugar this? 
Shit to sugar. 

804
00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:19,520
OK, we have a few questions from
the stepmoms that are in our 

805
00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:21,440
membership. 
Some of them are kind of 

806
00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:24,640
repetitive and similar, so let 
me just shoot a few at you real 

807
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:26,520
quick. 
One of them I do like it says 

808
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:29,400
what should husbands know or 
consider about their partners, 

809
00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:31,720
like the stepmom through all 
this. 

810
00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:35,480
Besides, obviously, like you put
us through a lot with all your 

811
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:40,560
drama and all your baggage. 
Yeah, we often want them to know

812
00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:41,880
our pain. 
Not sure. 

813
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:44,600
He doesn't understand how I feel
what I'm going through. 

814
00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:47,840
Girl, he he can't even talk to 
his damn kids when he wants to. 

815
00:39:48,120 --> 00:39:51,120
The man is crying in his damn 
pillow because this bitch is 

816
00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:53,720
keeping them away. 
He's barely keeping 2 households

817
00:39:53,720 --> 00:39:55,240
afloat. 
So what do you want him to? 

818
00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:58,400
What should he know about you? 
He should know that you choose 

819
00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:00,400
to be here and you're the one 
thing that's not going to make 

820
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:02,280
his life harder. 
You're not going to leave him, 

821
00:40:02,360 --> 00:40:05,400
but you have holding him to some
very high standards. 

822
00:40:05,560 --> 00:40:08,160
He should know that he has to 
protect you from the. 

823
00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:11,280
Stuff that he created before and
as long as he does that then you

824
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:13,040
got his back. 
That's such a good one too. 

825
00:40:13,040 --> 00:40:16,040
Yeah, you and we have a really 
good understanding of that in my

826
00:40:16,040 --> 00:40:18,600
house. 
And so does Becca's of like 

827
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:21,880
we're A-Team and you. 
Yeah, that's well. 

828
00:40:21,920 --> 00:40:24,040
And I think there's something 
that hits at the two year mark. 

829
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:26,760
What is that nausea? 
Like the two year mark, there's 

830
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:31,600
a twist or a flip and maybe it's
in bio mom, but man, if I didn't

831
00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:35,160
have my husband totally saying 
like, Hey, this is this is my 

832
00:40:35,160 --> 00:40:37,280
sidekick, like this is my 
person. 

833
00:40:37,600 --> 00:40:40,440
Kids, can they come and go now? 
But she's here with me all the 

834
00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:43,920
time and Oh my gosh, we would 
have, we would split way by. 

835
00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:50,440
Moms crazy, crazy regenerates 
and crazy changes faces, but the

836
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:54,000
space of preserving peace in 
your own relationship when you 

837
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:58,040
hit that tool, when you hit that
flow of oh, we are locked in 

838
00:40:58,080 --> 00:41:01,760
it's me and you Becca has my 
back, Alyssa, she Alysa's my 

839
00:41:01,760 --> 00:41:03,840
partner. 
We're not going anywhere. 

840
00:41:04,080 --> 00:41:06,400
This means that you do you have 
a dude that you can trust, 

841
00:41:06,400 --> 00:41:07,920
though. 
Do you know how many women I 

842
00:41:07,920 --> 00:41:10,600
talked to the say Naja, how do I
teach my man boundaries? 

843
00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:12,920
Girl, his his mammy should have 
taught him that. 

844
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:15,200
Like, why are you teaching a 
grown ass man boundaries? 

845
00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:18,560
Like call your divorce lawyer. 
Like we don't, we don't, we 

846
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:21,720
don't teach grown men how to 
protect us when they've proved 

847
00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:24,040
it time and time again that they
don't that they can't. 

848
00:41:24,320 --> 00:41:27,520
But when you we hit this stride,
when we start to have this 

849
00:41:27,520 --> 00:41:31,760
ultimate trust in one another, 
No baby Mama, no kids, my 

850
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:34,520
family, your family, nobody's 
coming, coming in between this 

851
00:41:34,520 --> 00:41:37,800
thing that we've created. 
So that's the great space. 

852
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:39,120
That's when we can start to 
grow. 

853
00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:42,480
Yes, I think after a few years, 
that's definitely the space I'm 

854
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:46,080
in now and it's it's so cool. 
It's like, you know, I just had 

855
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:49,280
the kids for spring break and 
and you know, kids are a lot. 

856
00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:51,720
So at the end of the week I was,
I was excited for a little 

857
00:41:51,720 --> 00:41:54,800
piece, not going to lie, But I 
would say it was definitely the 

858
00:41:54,800 --> 00:41:59,240
most like life giving spring 
break and break I had with them 

859
00:41:59,240 --> 00:42:01,720
because I, you know, I'm in that
space with my husband now. 

860
00:42:01,720 --> 00:42:03,640
So so the yeah, thank you for 
sharing that. 

861
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:07,320
Another one of our stepmom 
listeners and this is a good 

862
00:42:07,320 --> 00:42:10,560
one, she said. 
What are some good comebacks to 

863
00:42:10,560 --> 00:42:14,320
say to bio moms, whether you 
know them or they're complete 

864
00:42:14,320 --> 00:42:18,200
strangers who might blame the 
stepmom for the issues or say 

865
00:42:18,200 --> 00:42:20,920
they'll never be good enough 
because they don't have their 

866
00:42:20,920 --> 00:42:27,040
own kids? 
OK, now don't advocate for you 

867
00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:31,360
guys giving comebacks because a 
lot of you that are asking me 

868
00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:34,080
for comebacks, you're not as 
quick with it as I am. 

869
00:42:34,080 --> 00:42:35,440
I grew up in Memphis City 
Schools. 

870
00:42:35,440 --> 00:42:37,760
I had to fight for my life 
verbally every day. 

871
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:41,400
Like, so if you weren't in that 
lunch room dealing with bullies 

872
00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:44,080
and making them cry, I don't 
want you to get into it with a 

873
00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:47,320
woman who has a disordered 
personality because she's going 

874
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:48,680
to outgun you out. 
Thank you. 

875
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:50,680
She's going to go so far below 
the belt. 

876
00:42:50,680 --> 00:42:53,520
She's going to equip her kids 
with stuff too. 

877
00:42:53,800 --> 00:42:58,760
But if you must, if you must be 
Patty, Patty, you can say, well,

878
00:42:58,880 --> 00:43:01,280
I mean, I might not have kids, 
but girl, I keep yours all the 

879
00:43:01,280 --> 00:43:02,520
time. 
You ain't doing such a goddamn 

880
00:43:02,520 --> 00:43:05,320
bang up the job yourself. 
I wouldn't take lessons from 

881
00:43:05,320 --> 00:43:08,000
you, Mother Teresa. 
You know, you just, you kind of 

882
00:43:08,000 --> 00:43:10,720
want to just go there. 
But I can come up with comebacks

883
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:13,560
instantaneously. 
If that's not what you're made 

884
00:43:13,560 --> 00:43:15,400
of, don't engage. 
Don't. 

885
00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:17,400
Engage. 
You are really quick witted. 

886
00:43:17,400 --> 00:43:19,760
I love it. 
Just to kind of close up though,

887
00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:22,520
what's your favorite part of 
being A stop mom? 

888
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:24,520
This might sound selfish and 
self-centered. 

889
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:26,720
That's OK. 
But the woman. 

890
00:43:26,720 --> 00:43:30,440
The woman that I've become, the 
person that I've transformed 

891
00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:35,000
that I've had to become, and the
woman that I'm not anymore, I'm 

892
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:37,760
not naive anymore. 
I've seen the bowels of 

893
00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:41,000
motherhood. 
I've seen the corruption of the 

894
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:45,080
court system. 
I've seen hatred personified and

895
00:43:45,080 --> 00:43:47,960
I've eaten it up and shitted it 
out into some beautiful 

896
00:43:47,960 --> 00:43:51,560
sprinkles on television. 
Every major network you can 

897
00:43:51,560 --> 00:43:55,200
imagine, successful podcast, 
Amazon bestseller. 

898
00:43:56,360 --> 00:44:00,240
I like who I've become out of 
the thing that I thought would 

899
00:44:00,240 --> 00:44:03,600
bring me the most strife. 
So that's my favorite part of 

900
00:44:04,080 --> 00:44:07,320
having this role plopped in my 
lap is what I've been able to do

901
00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:08,880
with the hardships presented 
from it. 

902
00:44:09,040 --> 00:44:11,640
That's great. 
That is not selfish whatsoever 

903
00:44:11,640 --> 00:44:14,280
and that is 100%. 
I think that's good for every 

904
00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:16,840
stepmom to hear, to kind of 
think about because that put me 

905
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:19,920
in a spot to where I was like, 
you know what, this is so true. 

906
00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:22,400
I got to a place where Becca and
I were like, we're not going to 

907
00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:28,560
be stepmom coaches, but we are 
able to like rely on ourselves, 

908
00:44:28,640 --> 00:44:31,800
on our past experiences and see 
how we overcame things. 

909
00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:34,600
And it's kind of an eye opener 
of like, wow, we have come 

910
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:38,040
through a lot in just like under
10 years. 

911
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:41,120
So that's I think. 
That's what makes actually 

912
00:44:41,120 --> 00:44:43,120
really good cultures though. 
I know you're trying to cut off,

913
00:44:43,120 --> 00:44:45,640
but I don't know why you guys 
wouldn't be coaches. 

914
00:44:45,640 --> 00:44:47,800
I think that's what cultures are
made of. 

915
00:44:47,960 --> 00:44:49,720
We might have to talk about that
then off there. 

916
00:44:51,280 --> 00:44:52,120
Yeah. 
Right. 

917
00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:54,400
Before we go, though, where can 
people find you? 

918
00:44:54,480 --> 00:44:57,280
Tell us it all, Yes? 
Yes, yes y'all. 

919
00:44:57,280 --> 00:44:58,760
So thank you so much ladies for 
having me. 

920
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:00,280
This has been a beautiful 
conversation. 

921
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:03,680
I hope I didn't talk too much, 
but you got a lot to flip up. 

922
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:09,080
But you can find me at 
vipstepmom.com. 

923
00:45:09,080 --> 00:45:13,440
DMS are open, e-mail is open. 
I have a podcast, it's called I 

924
00:45:13,440 --> 00:45:17,160
Know I'm Crazy with Naja Hall. 
We got to have these side chat 

925
00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:19,760
girls on there. 
But yeah, I'm all over the 

926
00:45:19,760 --> 00:45:24,320
Internet at VIP Stepmom. 
We love you, Nausea. 

927
00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:25,280
You're going to have to come 
back. 

928
00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:28,280
I love you ladies too. 
I thank you for having me. 

929
00:45:28,280 --> 00:45:31,040
It's like straight up, it's a 
privilege and an honor. 

930
00:45:31,040 --> 00:45:32,760
Thank you. 
Thank you for having me. 

931
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:35,960
I really appreciate you too. 
And I'm proud of the great work 

932
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:38,360
you're doing. 
And whatever I can do to amplify

933
00:45:38,360 --> 00:45:41,880
that, please let me know because
I'm all about there's, there's, 

934
00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:44,320
there's more than than enough 
room for all of us. 

935
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:46,640
So let's do it. 
Let's make it happen. 

936
00:45:46,840 --> 00:45:49,120
Let's do it. 
That's it for this week on 

937
00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:52,040
Stepmom Side Chats. 
We're Alyssa and Becca, your 

938
00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:55,960
stepmom bestie before you go. 
It's something we said hit a 

939
00:45:55,960 --> 00:45:59,760
little close to home. 
Go ahead and hit follow now so 

940
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:02,880
you don't miss future episodes 
and share with another stepmom 

941
00:46:02,880 --> 00:46:05,360
to help us grow. 
If you want to connect between 

942
00:46:05,360 --> 00:46:08,960
episodes, follow us on Instagram
at Stepmom Side Chats and send 

943
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:10,440
us what you want us to chat 
about next. 

944
00:46:10,800 --> 00:46:12,960
Keep giving yourself grace, 
you're doing better than you 

945
00:46:12,960 --> 00:46:14,840
think. 
We'll chat with you all soon.