Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats.
We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms.
Who are done pretending everything's perfect.
This is where we talk boundaries, PO parenting, hard
truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud.
If you're ready for real talk, real growth and a little bit of
spice, let's get into it. Good morning or good afternoon,
wherever you guys are from. Welcome back to another episode
of Stepmom Side Chats. Alyssa and I are so excited
today because we have a guest. Her name is Kristen.
Hello, thank you for having me. Yes, absolutely.
We are so excited to hear a little bit more about your story
and I know you have a book as well, so we're going to get into
all of it today. Kristen, for listeners who might
be new to your work, can you just share a little bit about
your journey and a stepmom life and what led you to create your
whole platform? Absolutely.
So I met my husband back in 2014 and I had a rule.
I was not going to date a single dad.
And then somehow it happened, package deal sort of thing.
And I'm, I'm so glad I broke my rule of course now.
But there was a rocky path along the way.
My stepdaughter is now 15. She'll be 16 in a couple of
months. So that's crazy.
We have two hours babies. I've got a 2 year old and a four
month old. We have been married to the
Cheryl Dean nine years. It's been a crazy journey
personally but also professionally.
Because in 2016, right? Yeah, I think so. 20/17/2017 My
stepdaughter's mom started a blog and then kept asking me
questions about it, and we became business partners and
actually ran this platform together for six months before.
Yeah, yeah, it was. We've had a wild story all.
It's been a wild ride. So we ran it together for six
months. She ended up saying she wanted
to pursue something else. I bought her out and it's been
officially stepmoming since January of 2018.
But we've got the blog, the podcast, tons of stuff on social
media. I do coaching, I've got tons of
courses, just trying to support stepmoms however I can.
OK. Thank you for sharing a little
bit about that. Can you share a little bit more
about what the business and platform that you and Bio Mom
ran together? Yes, so it was called candy
apple Mama candy with AK and it was her business.
The way that she created it was for Mamas, makers and
mompreneurs. That's what she wanted her blog
to be about. And then I ended up joining her
and it started catering toward blended families.
So divorced moms and stepmoms. We did tons of blogs, tons of
videos and then we created a physical planner that was had
like a Co parenting component in it and she's incredibly
artistic. So she actually like Drew it
designed it did all sorts of stuff.
So that was our, that's what everybody saw.
And then behind the scenes, she was more of the creative and I
was more of the operations, logistics and things of that
nature. So it was interesting, you know,
in that process. So let's see.
That started in January. We've ran it together for 10
months. I think I said 6 ran it together
for 10 months. But then in October, so we ran
it till November. In October, she moved in with
us. She and her husband and the
daughter they share together so that my stepdaughter was there
full time. And that was only for three
months. But if you can do the math,
about a month and 1/2 into living with us is when the
business became solely mine when I bought her out of it.
So there was obviously a lot of togetherness between business
and living together and don't recommend but.
Yeah, I know. I can only imagine.
Well, without divulging like too much of the personal side of it,
What I guess was like the catalyst to you guys not doing
the business together anymore and how did that affect your
guys's relationship? I think there were two things
that really affected the business and the trajectory of
it. The first one being when she
created that planner, she learned that she absolutely
loved planners. She wanted to design planner,
she wanted to design planner stickers and that's ultimately
the business path that she chose instead of focusing on the Co
parenting side of it. That's really what she enjoyed.
So that was a major part. I think the other part is that I
was able to find a lot of Facebook groups, a lot of
stepmoms on Instagram. I was able to really connect
with the stepmom side in a way that she struggled to find the
divorced moms out there. And I think that created tension
that some of the stepmom articles were really reaching
audiences and we were getting a lot of validation on that side,
but not as much validation on the divorced mom side.
And I think, you know, having a podcast, it's hard to keep
talking if you don't think you have an audience listening.
So that was hard for her. And then you just add the
personal side of it, mom versus stepmom.
And we tried so hard not to go there, but it's hard not to.
Yeah, yeah. No, absolutely.
Well, thank you for sharing about that today.
I wanted to talk to you because it sounds like you have a lot
more experience and Alyssa and I do, you know, more years under
your belt being a stepmom and maybe some more insight than we
do about boundaries. So first, when you hear the word
boundaries, what do you think most stepmoms misunderstand
about it? Yeah, I am the poster child for
why you need boundaries. Having me live with us, not
something I recommend. Absolutely needed to learn
boundaries. And funnily enough, when Amanda
moved in with us, one of the biggest pieces of advice we
heard over and over is you need to have clear boundaries.
You need to make sure you set boundaries.
And we looked at each other and we were like, but what does that
mean? And I think a lot of women in
general, but stepmom specifically, we struggle with
boundaries because we don't actually know what they are.
And I think we hear them. They sound evil, they sound
selfish, or they just sound like this mystical thing.
We could look it up in a dictionary, but we don't know
what it practically means in our lives.
A lot of people, I'll hear from so many clients that they'll say
people are they don't respect my boundaries and boundaries don't
actually require compliance. They need you to enforce them.
We don't need others to comply. And I think that's the biggest
misconception. Yeah, no, totally.
I I totally relate when you say that boundaries are seen as an
evil thing because I think even in my own stepmom journey, I
have felt like if I set a boundary, I'm so mean.
And so I really appreciate that perspective for sure.
Why do you think stepmoms, more than anyone else in the family
system, struggle so deeply with setting boundaries in the 1st
place, especially in the beginning of their stepmom
journey? I want to touch on.
Absolutely. So there's a couple of things
that really come into play here. The first one being that we are
just shamed by society, that we should really abandoned self and
give sacrificially. Y'all have heard it as many
times as I have that the kids need to come first and stepmom
needs to know her place and she needs to stay in her lane.
And everyone's got an opinion of what that looks like.
But the opinion is always that her role in her place is in the
backseat. Let everybody else get their
needs taken care of first. Which is completely
contradictory to what we need to be doing of setting boundaries.
I think the second big thing that comes into play, it's
related of course, is not knowing our role, not knowing
where we fit in. So where do you start setting
boundaries if you don't even know what your role is supposed
to be? So when you combine them
together, it's just a giant mess and you don't really know where
to start. Definitely, definitely In your
early journey as a stepmom, how do you feel you were with
setting boundaries? I know you kind of touched on
it, but do you have like a specific example of like
anything like that that comes to mind?
So many examples come to mind. I genuinely didn't know what a
boundary was. I didn't know how to frame it.
I didn't know what I could set a boundary around.
I just had nothing to work with. And I think letting them move in
with us, I absolutely should have never let that happen.
I should have listened to the voice inside me that was
screaming no. Instead I was thinking, well,
who am I to say that my husband can't see his daughter every
day? Who am I to turn away a family
that needs a place to stay? Who am I and who I am is an
equal member of my home and an equal member of my family, and
I'm somebody who gets a voice and needs to use it.
But I didn't know that back then.
Yes, I can totally, totally relate with that.
I think in the beginning that's exactly how I felt too.
I was like, well, who am I? My just so you know, a little
bit background on me is my stepson when he was 13 came to
live with us, you know, and my husband and I were moving in
together around the same time. So we moved in together and like
2 weeks later my stepson moved in and that's exactly how I felt
too. Like I don't have any ours
babies either. So I was like, oh, like welcome.
You know, I guess I'll just follow my husband's lead, you
know, but it was my house too. And so I really like what you
said about I am an equal member of this family and therefore I
do, you know, deserve deserve a voice.
So, you know, I really like that.
How does the pressure of, you know, that myth that stepmoms
here all the time, we'll just love them like your own.
How do you think in your experience and working with
other stepmoms so far, how is that complicated boundary
setting for them? I think that when somebody tells
you to just love them like your own, it's this way of making it
seem like you don't have a right to need boundaries that we,
again, we should take that backseat and we don't need
boundaries. We don't have needs.
We should just love them like our own.
We should be grateful there in our lives.
We should, you know, if you think you need a boundary, you
should feel guilty about that. And they're just kids.
You're the adult. We hear so much about that, or
we just internalize it and put that pressure on ourselves that
it makes it hard for us to just initiate that process and even
get started with the boundary setting.
Yes, no, definitely. What do you think?
If a stepmom mom is in her early journey, what do you think?
Maybe one of like the most important or critical boundaries
she can set early on that will maybe help her decrease some of
that resentment that so many stepmoms feel.
I think there's so many you could set.
The one that I think could be the most helpful is to not
communicate with your stepchild's other parent.
And I, we do this with such good intentions.
We want to help. We want to ease the tension.
We want to settle the conflict. We want to support our step
kids, whatever that is. We we want to be the bigger
person, But oftentimes all that does is increase resentment.
It increases conflict. It puts you in the middle where
you don't need to be. And what's best for your family
is you showing up in the best way that you can, not making
yourself more resentful or more upset or having more reason to
dislike the other parent. So that would be my biggest.
If I had to pick one, I would pick 1000.
But if I had to pick one, that would be the one.
OK. No, I like that.
I like that. Let's talk about maybe the
difference between emotional boundaries and physical or those
logistical boundaries and stepmom life because I know I
have struggled with both. Can you talk maybe about the
difference between those two and what you've seen as well in your
own stepmom journey? Can is it OK if I go a little
Kochi for a minute? Please do it.
OK, so if you've read my book, if you've been in any of my
coaching programs, I talk a lot about boundaries, especially the
emotional boundaries. And my specific way that I've
created to communicate a boundary is by using the acronym
WEIGHT. Wait.
When you want to communicate this emotional boundary to
someone, it's going to have four parts.
Who is the why? What is the why behind your
boundary? Why do you need a boundary?
What's making you uncomfortable? A is the ask.
What is the request you're making of the other person?
If they honor the request, there's no need for the
boundary. But as we all know, they don't
always honor that request. the IT is the if then, and this is
the big meat of your boundary. If you continue to do this, then
I will do this. That's my emotional boundary
framework. So if you're feeling
uncomfortable about something, take it back into your own
hands. Give them that.
That real if then if you continue to do this, then I will
do this to protect my piece. It's important that I do that.
The more physical logistical boundaries to me is like, I want
our bedroom to be a no X zone. We're not talking about your X.
We're not communicating with your X.
If a phone call or a text comes in, we're leaving the room.
I'm not thinking about the X here.
If those thoughts start, I say no way.
I'm in my safe space right now. It could also be protecting your
time setting business hours when you'll talk about court or the X
setting hours that you will communicate with the X.
I'll read your text messages between 5:00 and 7:00.
Otherwise I won't be able to respond unless it's an
emergency. There's lots of different ways
you can have emotional or physical logistical boundaries,
but the I hope that helps give an example behind him.
Yes, No, I love the boundary setting of the bedroom being,
you know, safe spot or safe space rather for, you know, a
husband and wife to be able to communicate without that that
third party that, you know, unfortunately and you know, all
the time is interjected into our lives as stepmom all the time.
I feel like, you know, sometimes we're always having to ask
another person before we make a decision, you know, whether
that's going on vacation or, you know, doing this for our
stepchild or, or what have you. So I think that's a really
important boundary to set. So I like that.
Absolutely. How do you think?
And you kind of talked about this earlier, you said, you
know, you just said, who am I to say that, you know, someone
can't have us a place to live. So how can stepmoms?
And how have you, as you've gotten further into your stepmom
journey, been able to tell the difference between being
flexible and being a kind person that you are without abandoning
yourself and becoming resentful? It's a really important question
and a really important distinction.
I think our body knows. Like I wish I had a better
answer for you, but I think our body just knows.
Like I could feel it in my body saying please don't do this,
Please don't do this. This is like red flag.
This is not good. And I chose to abandon it anyway
because my head was saying, well, we should and you should
be able to do that. And frankly, you should stop
shooting all over yourself. I love that.
It's easy to let those shoulds take over.
But your body will tell you I feel uncomfortable.
Your intuition will say this isn't right, so just listen to
your body. That's my best advice.
No, I like that. And I think it's also important
to note and discuss that that might be different for different
stepmoms, right? You know, me being flexible in
my own stepmom life might look different than it does to you.
You might be like, you know what that would be abandoning myself.
So I'm not going to do that. So I like that you talked about
listen to your body because it is different for everyone.
Everyone has a different bandwidth and what they're able
to handle optionally. So I like that.
Yeah, absolutely. OK.
This is a big one and I'm so excited to go into this
boundaries with our partners. How important is it for
boundaries to be communicated early on and help upheld by our
partner and not just the stepmom?
So this is one of those times that I'm going to say something
then on every stepmom is going to like, you can't force your
partner to set a boundary. And I I wish we could, but they
are their own person and you probably wouldn't want a partner
that you could totally control anyway.
Yeah. No, I left that.
You just said that that that's helpful for me.
Keep going. So we can encourage our
partners. And so when I'm talking about
that weight framework, if I want to say, I don't want the ex to
come into our home when we're not here, right?
So sometimes there's this situation where the ex says, I'm
going to bring the kids over, let them get their soccer gear,
you're at work, whatever. And I would say that makes me
wildly uncomfortable. I don't want your ex.
I don't want anybody in my home when I'm not home.
But especially your ex, especially if things are high
conflict, she doesn't need to see anything that she could use
as ammo. So that's my, my why My ask is I
would really appreciate it if you could set a boundary that
we're not allowing any anybody into our home.
If then if you choose not to, then I will.
What will I do? It's something totally in my
control. I will change the lock.
I will change the code on the front door.
I will communicate with the X that you're not allowed in our
home. I will communicate to my stepson
that he needs to get his soccer gear out before he comes home or
before he leaves or that I will set it out for him when I get
home from work. I need to take back that control
because it's not fair of my partner that I'm resentful for
them for not doing something that would be abandoning them
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OK, I have kind of a hard question and I think a lot of
stepmoms can relate to this because I definitely can.
What if your partner is like, I'm not, I'm not doing that,
Kristen, it's fine with me as she comes into the house to get
the software stuff. It's not a big deal.
You know what, how would you go about that?
Because I know once again, the lots of stepmoms can probably
relate to this. I think our partners become
defensive sometimes when we as stepmoms set these boundaries
because these are their children and to them it really is no big
deal sometimes. So.
So what would you say to a stepmom who just trying to set a
boundary similar to the one you just discussed and the partners
like, no, we're not doing that? Yeah, and we've probably all
been there in some way or another.
And it. You're so right.
They feel so defensive. They feel caught in the middle
of everyone. I don't want to let my decision
to divorce affect my kids any more than it already has.
If he forgot a soccer gear, he should be able to go into the
house and get a soccer gear. I hear you.
I love your heart and I honor that.
That's your need. But I also have needs.
This is also my home. And one of the best things that
we can say to our partners is I don't need you to understand why
I feel this way, but I do need you to respect that this is how
I'm experiencing things. I feel uncomfortable with people
in our home. When we're not there, you can
try empathy. You can say, would you feel
comfortable if my ex-boyfriend was in the house when we weren't
there? Like would you feel comfortable
knowing that he was in there? You weren't there?
Could he be rifling through my underwear drawer?
Right. Like I don't know what he would
do. What would make you
uncomfortable? I can try to come up with that
example. Sometimes that works really
effectively. Other times we're so stuck in
that defensive, caught in the middle, Make my kids happy.
Reduce conflict. There's a lot of conflict
avoidance that goes on between our partners and their ex.
So how can I communicate that to him?
It just comes down to me and my boundaries.
I can't force you to do anything, but I can control what
I do. If you choose not to, then I
will change the lock. I will communicate.
I will put up a no trespassing sign and call the police if I
need to. Right.
Like that may not work effectively if she has
permission from someone else in the home, but I can still set
boundaries for myself. The other thing is I may just
not want to know about it. I can protect myself if you just
don't communicate to me that she's been in my house.
Ignorance can be blessed, so choose what you can control to
still protect your peace. Don't let your partner don't let
their ex. Don't let your step kids have
more control over your Peace of Mind than you have.
Yeah, no, absolutely. Have you, if you feel
comfortable sharing, of course, or if you want to talk about
maybe one of the stepmoms you've worked with, when has there been
a time where there's been a really difficult boundary to
set, but they set it and what was the result like, What was
the situation and what did it look like?
I guess yes. So I'm going to think about this
one client. It's been several years now.
She used to get hundreds of text messages a night from the ex
just harassing constant. There was an alcohol abuse
problem and you could just kind of tell the timing of the text
messages coincided with some of that.
And my client was like, I just can't handle this.
She's sending me so many and she's berating me and she's
telling me that I'm awful things.
But then the next morning she wants me to take the school
folder up to my stepson or she wants me to do this and it's
like nothing ever happened. And I had to explain to her you
have every right to set a boundary of how you will or will
not be communicated with. So she set the boundary.
If you choose to continue sending me excessive or
harassive harassing text, then I will no longer be able to
communicate with you until you can speak to me kindly that I'm
unavailable. And she blocked her number.
That's what she needed to do to make it happen.
That's what was within her control, yes.
No, I love that. Yeah, that is great.
Do you know by chance if that boundary was upheld or that made
the relationship between them better now?
I don't know that the relationship is better per SE,
but I. Think, but no more late text
messages at least. The numbers blocked, right?
Like I have limited your access to me because you don't deserve
it. You can't be respectful of it.
Therefore, I took matters into my own hands.
And I have that right. Yeah, I have that right.
Even though I'm helping parent or child, I have that right as a
human being to limit access to you.
I like that. Absolutely.
I know for sure there was backlash.
There always is there usually. Is always yes.
So when she no longer had access to my client, then all the
harassing messages transferred to my client's husband.
You make your bed, rely in it. Like I don't know what to tell
you, right? It's not my problem.
Yeah, well. Then they have, then they have
to set a boundary. And so I do, you know, want to
kind of just touch on that think in my experience in life thus
far, it's more difficult for men to set boundaries, especially in
these situations. So I think sometimes when
stepmoms set a boundary, like I'm not going to communicate
with bio mom about XY and Z, or if they hundreds of text
messages in the middle of the night like you were describing,
then it almost kind of forces our partners to be able to set a
boundary themselves if they want to do so.
Yep it is. At the end of the day, this is
your partner's dynamic. It's their kids, it's their ex
partner. The majority of the burden of
maintaining the status quo with the acts or raising their
children, it should fall in your partner.
It's not yours to carry. Your burden to carry is
protecting your peace so you can show up the best you can for
your chosen partner and for your family.
You don't need to keep the peace with anyone else.
You keep the peace with yourself.
You keep the peace with your partner.
You do the best you can in your family.
Don't try to carry a burden that's not yours.
You didn't fix it. You didn't break it.
You can't fix it. Yeah, absolutely.
What advice do you give or would you give to stepmoms who I'm
sure you've experienced this, who are constantly feeling like
they're monitored or judged or compared?
I know myself, I've definitely experienced this.
And I think we're constantly comparing ourselves to bio mom
in our heads. And yeah, just if we could dive
a little bit deeper into that. I don't know if this is as much
of A boundary issue as it is building your confidence in who
you are and what you contribute to this family and recognizing
your value is so powerful and so different from what the other
parent is providing in this family.
If you can think of your stepchild's life like a puzzle,
the mom is absolutely going to have a piece.
Your partner is absolutely going to have a piece of that puzzle.
But you also have a piece and it's shaped differently than
their pieces and it's a different piece of the larger
picture. But you're exciting value in a,
in a really unique, beautiful way.
To give you kind of an example, I absolutely used to struggle
with comparing myself to Krista's mom.
Tiny and beautiful and an incredible artist and a great
cook and all of these things that I'm not.
I have different strengths, I have different values I can add,
but I was hyper focused on on what she was providing, that
value she was providing in Krista's life that she used to
provide in my husband's life and I could never measure up in
those ways. What I really needed to do was
lean into my strengths. I may not be able to cook the
way she can, but I can sure be goofy in the kitchen and dance
and make a mean grilled cheese and do it with a smile on my
face. I am not an incredible artist,
but I used to be a tutor and I can help my stepdaughter with
her homework in a way that her mom and her dad couldn't.
I needed to lean into that and then show up really
authentically in my family. It helped me to feel a lot less
pressure, but it also helped them to receive me better.
Yeah, I think that that does bring in a big value when we all
kind of are able to understand what we bring to the table,
especially because there's this like silent peace when we kind
of accept that we're good enough for someone else's kids in our
home. We don't have to like none of
us. We said in our last episode, we
don't want to be the moms. Like I am not trying to be your
mom, but to be able to ground ourselves in the thoughts of
like they have a mom so they'll missing pieces that they need
are really just when they're at our house.
Or like you said, if we have something that, you know, bio
mom does not offer, then we need to emphasize that here so that
that's something that the kid is getting a film it with.
And I think it just helps complete them in some ways where
we can't ever they you know, some kids like our own bio kids,
they only have two parents. And I say only because like
sometimes it is better to have four parents or three or
whatever. And so, yeah, if you know,
they're getting the best both worlds with extra Christmases,
they're also getting the best with worlds with like a mom that
can make you said make a goofy kitchen grilled cheese and then
a mom I can have a gourmet dinner.
So they're kind of getting this exposure to more personalities
in more ways to bring out yourself.
And I tell my step kids all the time to you're kind of lucky to
have two households like my kids when they're older and they see
this and you're going back and forth and you get to leave when
dad's mad at you and these kids have to stay here when dad's mad
at them, like they're going to be so jealous.
So there are some things and I think it's so important to
really emphasize like what we as step moms bring to the table and
how we are a benefit to the kids because what we're hearing is a
lot of so moms are being told that they're just a problem.
And so if we hear that enough, we start thinking.
I think that's a great point and it is so important that we hear
it from others, but we also remind ourselves that we are
positively adding to this family.
Absolutely. And so I think that's kind of a
perfect segue into studying boundaries with our step kids
because, you know, I think many, many stepmoms struggle with
this, especially in the beginning.
Maybe, you know, these stepmoms don't have ours babies, which
is, you know, pretty much the same story across the board from
what I've, you know, experienced so far.
And so it's the first time they're even in a mom type of
role, so. How do you?
Explain boundaries to stepmoms that think that I'm overstepping
by setting this boundary, or I might damage the relationship
with my step kids by doing so. Honestly, I think the best
advice I can give you is to remember that boundaries are the
kindest thing you can do. Boundaries, when they are done
correctly with the proper motivation, connect us more than
they separate us. They teach others who we are,
what we will accept and what what we need.
We are we are being completely transparent with who we are.
Boundaries that are not done with pure intent can damage
relationships. But if you're, if you're doing
it with a positive intention, you're doing it with a pure
heart. You're saying if I continue to
do this, it's going to damage our relationship?
If I continue to make your lunch every day and then hear you
after school complain that you got ham instead of Turkey and
that you didn't want that kind of chips and why would you put
an apple? I told you I hate apples and I
hear you continue to complain about it, that's going to damage
our relationship more than it's going to add value to your life
to have a packed lunch. So I will add money to your
lunch account. I will let my partner know that
they can pack your lunch. I will do whatever I need to do
to not be the one to put myself in a position to continue
damaging our relationship. Not because I don't love you,
because I desire a better relationship with you.
It's hard. It's hard to make that
adjustment. It feels like we're punishing,
but you're not. You're preserving.
Well, you feel, at least in my experience, I feel bad sometimes
doing that, but with my own son, I would never feel bad setting
that boundary because it's not a boundary.
It's just parenting, you know? So I think a lot of stepmoms
struggle with that because we're all human beings and I think at
the end of the day, we all desire to be light even by our
step kids, even on our worst stays with them, we still want
them to like us. And with our own kids, we know
for the most part in most, you know, mom child relationships
that they unconditionally love us.
And it's not the same with our step kids.
So I think that sometimes there's a deeper desire to earn
their love or their like for us. Yeah, it goes back to that.
Like you become an evil stepmom if you don't pack the lunch or,
you know, you don't write a note.
Like I had to stop writing notes in the lunches because it became
an issue where, you know, mom didn't want to see those.
So it's not pretty. And so I don't want to put the
kids in that situation. So I don't my love notes anymore
or any of those. But then it will stepmom because
I don't like you said, if I stopped making lunches and I
just the evilest stepmom and I have their best interest at
mine, you know, and but I would think most settlements actually
do have the best interests at heart.
So how do we accept that when we're trying to make that
decision? It's so hard, especially when
you're first starting to make boundaries.
So what I want to say is trust the process and then measure the
results. Reflect on how you feel after a
week of not packing the lunch. Are you last?
Like, if I'm in this situation, I am tensing up like half an
hour before school gets out because I know I'm about to hear
how awful I am for everything I packed in the lunch and how it
was all wrong. So after a week's time, after
two weeks time, do you find that you're not actually dreading
school getting out anymore? Do you find that you don't feel
stressed and overthinking things when you're making your grocery
list? Can you really sense some of
that growth and then cherish it, really acknowledge it and live
in that and say, OK, I did the right thing.
I can see how this is contributing more positively to
my relationship with my stepson. I recognize that he's not going
without lunch. He absolutely can buy lunch at
school. My partner can absolutely make
him lunch. I feel good about this.
I feel like he's not going without.
This was the best thing we can do for our relationship.
It doesn't mean that you don't ever make his lunch again.
Just means that right now, that's not what's best for
y'all. Great.
OK. I have a question about stepmoms
being the primary disciplinary and how do you feel about that?
And do you think it's OK for them not to be the primary
disciplinary or even emotionally available at all times?
How do you feel about that? Such a tricky question.
No, it's really, truly not. It just feels like it is.
Seriously. Doctor Patricia Papurnow, who is
like the leading researcher on step families, she tells us that
the general rule is connection before correction.
You should be bonded with your stepchildren before you try to
discipline them. It will not work.
It will not be productive or effective if you try to
discipline them before you've properly bonded.
You don't have respect typically, just inherently by
being an adult in their life. Usually you need to earn it by
having a relationship with them. I don't think think any stepmom
needs to be a disciplinarian. I think that if you feel
uncomfortable with it, trust that.
Listen to your body, listen to your intuition, trust that.
Step away from that. You can be an incredible parent
and not be a disciplinarian in your home.
I think there is also room for doing some, but not all.
So I like to think of it as a bit of a spectrum between I'm
totally disengaged with discipline.
I'm totally engaged in discipline.
I will, I will, I will enforce rules.
I will set punishments. I will do everything.
That's one side of the spectrum. The other side is you can wait
till your dad gets home and dad will take care of it, right?
But then there's a wiggle room in the middle.
There's some wiggle room in the middle of like, OK, maybe I'll
enforce rules and set punishments only when the other
parent isn't home. Or maybe I'll enforce rules, but
I won't set punishments and I'll wait for my partner to set the
punishment. So it doesn't have to be all or
nothing. Find what works for y'all and
what works for your step kids. What are they receptive to?
What is your partner receptive to?
And sometimes it just takes some finessing.
Give it time and see what works for everybody.
And if it's nothing, if it's you stepping away from it all,
consider it like, I'm done. I don't have to do that one less
thing I'm I'm sort of relieved of.
Yeah, I like that ebb and flow. We like to test things out and
see what works. That's where I think after, you
know, quite a few years under our belt and like in my
household, that goes to make the same we that's all we made with
the platform. We feel like we got to a place
where we've tried a lot of things and we figured out what
works for us. You just kind of have to be
careful with who's at stake here because you're nothing with
people's emotions or, you know, teens.
And so it's like these are children we're still talking
about. So sure, you want to try out and
see what works best in household, but with caution, of
course. So and Becca and you don't
discipline, right, don't you? You make your husband do it.
I can't remember how. So I have three, I have
three-step kids and the oldest I was telling Christmas earlier
when he came to live with us, it was my husband handled all
discipline, all punishment. I also think when your stepchild
comes into your life and especially into your home, at
what age they are really matters also.
So my youngest stepson who lives with us, but he and my
stepdaughter who comes and visits, I have no problem
disciplining in them. However, my youngest stepson was
3 when I met him. So it's way different.
So I think it's like different kid personalities.
However, I think if there was like a big punishment, you know,
that had to be given or delivered that my husband, you
know, would deliver that. But I've even worked with bio
moms sometimes when she she hasn't lived here, like, hey,
Stepson's doing this and let's come up with a punishment
together. And we've done that together.
And research does show us that if your stepchildren come into
your life at a younger age, it's a lot easier for you to step
into that disciplinarian role. There's also a gender
difference. Boys can typically bond with a
stepmom easier and trust a stepmom and listen to a stepmom
better than girls can. Find that absolutely, yes, I've
been doing research of my own and it's so interesting what the
research does all about. Step family is in all of us.
So interesting having two step boys and no girls.
I had no idea. I would have thought it would be
the other way around. I think there's more loyalty
toward mom from a girl, usually that if I bond with another
mother figure, another woman, that it feels more disloyal.
It feels like more of a betrayal of my mom.
I'm not certain that's why, but that was my my conclusion from
what I wrote. Interesting.
Our loyalty binds over here run deep, so we we just have a
special case I guess. I think you have some mama's
boys, though. I think some moms are closer to
their boys though, too. You're not, you know, Yeah, they
Yeah. Anyways, I wanted to just touch
on how boundaries kind of shift in the home, in the blooded
family when ours babies come into the picture.
How do you How have you seen in your own life?
If you're comfortable sharing boundaries, shift or get ignored
when the Ours baby enters the picture.
It's a really great question, and I like to think that I'm a
boundaries queen now after living and learning the hard
way, but I even struggled with this when my first son was born
a couple years ago. Sort of reflecting on that
period, I think about like the first day that Krista came back
to our house after I had my son and we're back home.
I was sitting at the kitchen table nursing my son with one
hand and helping my stepdaughter with her geography test,
studying for a test with the other hand.
I didn't trust my own boundary because I was so worried about
overcompensating and making sure she didn't feel like her life
shifted when he was born. Just because we had another
child does it mean your life should change?
But because of the increased pressure on us as stepmoms,
especially when you're adding. A new baby to the family and
you're balancing all of the things on top of healing your
body, not getting any sleep, whatever.
Stepmom has to adapt her boundaries to reflect her new
role and all of these new demands on her.
What's 1 boundary? As every stepmom should consider
studying no matter what the situation is.
Maybe just like a blanket stepmom boundary you can give to
someone. I think, sorry, we talked about
this earlier, so I'm just trying to figure out how I want to wrap
this up. You know, I talked earlier about
not communicating with your stepchild's other parent.
It's the best I could come with come up with for kind of a micro
boundary. What I want every stepmom to
remember is that you need to protect your peace.
Listen to your gut, listen to your intuition.
If something is telling you it's causing you resentment, it's
causing you to feel distant from
your partner. It's causing you to feel distant
from your stepchild. It's causing you to abandon who
you are, who you know you are. It's making you into somebody
that you don't like, somebody you don't recognize.
Step away from it. Protect your peace.
Figure out another way to take back control.
This shows up in a variety of ways, but when I was an early
stepmom, I needed to know that it was OK to say no.
And that's, that's what I want stepmoms to hear.
You're allowed to say no. You're allowed to take up space.
You are not just allowed to protect your peace, you need to.
That's the only way that your marriage will survive.
Yes, and I like how you said marriage will survive because
you know, the research is clear that second marriage is, you
know, end in divorce way more frequently than first marriages
do because of the step family dynamic.
So I'm glad you touched on that. OK, do you want to get to some
listener kind of questions? I just have a couple for you.
You know some stepmoms that are interested in sending setting
some different boundaries in their life.
So one stepmom says that you know the bio mom is constantly
late to games and practices of their shared 9 year old.
How would you give that stepmom advice?
Is that something you can set a boundary for or is that kind of
out of our control? What advice would you give the
stepmom who is getting frustrated with the?
We can't force anyone else to be on time, so I would love to know
how this is affecting you. Is it affecting you because
you're there and you're embarrassed that you're there
without your stepson? Are you to set a boundary to
protect your stepson so that he can get all the practice, he can
show up to the game and get on the roster and do all the
things? Or is it something like you're
late now, you're causing me to be late to something else or, or
whatever you can. You can always set a boundary.
If you are late, then I will not need you.
If you are late, then I will stop going to games because it
makes me resentful to see you constantly show up late.
You can always set those boundaries.
I think you always need to recognize the things that are
frustrating you and figure out a way to keep them from
frustrating you. So it may be better for you to
say, I'm not going to practice. I'm not going to games.
Instead, I am going to take a bath and read my book during
that time and then when my stepson gets home.
But I want to hear all about your game.
Tell me, Oh my goodness, I heard you had a really great hit.
I want to hear all about it. You can still show up really
well for your stepson while protecting your piece when we
can't for somebody else to show up.
I have direct experience with this as we were court ordered to
get into some sports. It's not terrible so parents bio
parents have to work together and go to sports and everything.
It was just so toxic and we passed that this is something I
said no to and I'm not Co ordered to go, but the parents
have to work together to do it. And it's just something that is
not that's that's a boundary for me.
I, you know, changing my mind on this in my current situation,
it's way too much and I can't then show up for my children
when I come home. But yeah, I say like, Daddy sent
me videos. I like this.
You know, right now they're doing basketball.
I got to talk with them about that.
I bought them those indoor silent basketballs, which are
amazing, life changing little plug.
And you don't like get a code for moms.
But you know, yeah, I'm take I'm finding ways to show interest.
And we did basketball and trampoline here.
It's like different ways to get involved and make sure that they
know I'm still here and I'm interested.
And not to like, blame my kids. I had to stay home with my kids,
but I just kind of use that as an excuse.
So they I didn't talk bad and say I'm not going because of
your mom. But that's the honest truth of
like, it's too toxic and I can't be buried in the same spaces or
I think that's the. Perfect example.
We got the silent basketball. We played basketball in the
trampoline and I didn't go to the game.
I think it's. Perfect.
OK, one more listener question. I'm not sure if this is directly
a boundary related because I'm not sure how you would set a
boundary on this. However, this was a few this was
so a few questions. How do you handle bio mom
talking badly about you, the stepmom to the step kids?
What advice would you give those stepmoms?
I'm listening. I really struggle with this
because it's something that you don't have a lot of control
over. If it's in your court order and
usually in high conflict situations, it is that you can't
badmouth each other. You can encourage your partner
to remind the other parent of it.
It's not typically something that's really enforceable, but
what I can control, it's not a boundary, but what I, I guess
you could set a boundary around. I don't want to hear it.
If you tell me something your mom said that I will walk away
because that's not helpful for me to hear that.
That's maybe a boundary you can set.
Like, I don't want to hear it, but one of the best things you
can do to start taking back some control in this situation, which
boundaries are really about control, is say your mom said
that about me. Well, how did that make you
feel? Do you have that same experience
with me that you think I'm a liar?
Wow, I'm really sorry that you heard that.
That must have been really hard to hear.
If they're older, you start asking some critical thinking
questions. Is that your same experience
with me? Get them to come to their own
conclusion. So it's not a she said she said
situation. And then I I would just say,
yeah, I bet that. But that was really hard to
hear. And I'm really sorry you had to
do that because we can empower them in that situation in the
other home to start standing up in themselves if they express
interest and they want some scripts to be able to say, you
know what, Mom? I don't want to hear you talk
not poorly about my stepmom or my other parent, my dad,
whomever. We can give them some of those
words if they're ready for it. I don't think we have to
volunteer it until they're ready though.
I love that advice. No, that that that's helpful for
me as well. So thank you.
OK, well, thank you so much. I know that's probably all the
time we have today, but before we wrap it up, where can
listeners connect with you and learn more about your work?
Give your your Instagram handle all that good.
Stuffyesyoucanfindsomanyresources@stepmoming.com STEPMOMMINGI have a podcast
named Stepmoming Made Easy. We are about to launch season 4.
I have a book just released by the same name, Stepmoming Made
Easy. You can find it pretty much
anywhere. Barnes and Noble Amazon Indigo
in Canada just look for it, you'll find it.
My Instagram is also at stepmoming and I'm most active
there than anywhere else, but my life's mission is to help
stepmoms not feel as alone and defeated as I felt in my first
couple of years as a stepmom. And I am here to help in any way
that I can and I, I appreciate the opportunity Just to love on
your audience a little bit. Thank you so much.
We learned so much today and I'm sure the listeners will feel the
same. So thank you again and we'll
talk soon. That's it for this week on
Stepmom Side Chats. We're Alyssa and Becca, your
stepmom besties before you go. If something we said hit a
little close to home, go ahead and hit.
Follow now so you don't miss future episodes and share with
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Keep giving yourself grace, you're doing better than you
think. We'll chat with you all soon.