1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,640 Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats. 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:11,240 We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. 3 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,720 Who are done pretending everything's perfect. 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,160 This is where we talk boundaries, PO parenting, hard 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,360 truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud. 6 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,240 If you're ready for real talk, real growth and a little bit of 7 00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:26,920 spice, let's get into it. Good morning or good afternoon, 8 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:31,160 wherever you guys are from. Welcome back to another episode 9 00:00:31,160 --> 00:00:35,040 of Stepmom Side Chats. Alyssa and I are so excited 10 00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:38,520 today because we have a guest. Her name is Kristen. 11 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:43,520 Hello, thank you for having me. Yes, absolutely. 12 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:46,760 We are so excited to hear a little bit more about your story 13 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,800 and I know you have a book as well, so we're going to get into 14 00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,920 all of it today. Kristen, for listeners who might 15 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,160 be new to your work, can you just share a little bit about 16 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:58,600 your journey and a stepmom life and what led you to create your 17 00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:00,640 whole platform? Absolutely. 18 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:06,160 So I met my husband back in 2014 and I had a rule. 19 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:07,840 I was not going to date a single dad. 20 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,680 And then somehow it happened, package deal sort of thing. 21 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:15,640 And I'm, I'm so glad I broke my rule of course now. 22 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,720 But there was a rocky path along the way. 23 00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:21,680 My stepdaughter is now 15. She'll be 16 in a couple of 24 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,400 months. So that's crazy. 25 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:27,080 We have two hours babies. I've got a 2 year old and a four 26 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,120 month old. We have been married to the 27 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:32,800 Cheryl Dean nine years. It's been a crazy journey 28 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:36,160 personally but also professionally. 29 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:44,480 Because in 2016, right? Yeah, I think so. 20/17/2017 My 30 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:48,920 stepdaughter's mom started a blog and then kept asking me 31 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:53,200 questions about it, and we became business partners and 32 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:57,080 actually ran this platform together for six months before. 33 00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,160 Yeah, yeah, it was. We've had a wild story all. 34 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:04,280 It's been a wild ride. So we ran it together for six 35 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,520 months. She ended up saying she wanted 36 00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:08,919 to pursue something else. I bought her out and it's been 37 00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:11,840 officially stepmoming since January of 2018. 38 00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:16,800 But we've got the blog, the podcast, tons of stuff on social 39 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,160 media. I do coaching, I've got tons of 40 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:22,600 courses, just trying to support stepmoms however I can. 41 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:25,880 OK. Thank you for sharing a little 42 00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:28,000 bit about that. Can you share a little bit more 43 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:32,320 about what the business and platform that you and Bio Mom 44 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,880 ran together? Yes, so it was called candy 45 00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:39,320 apple Mama candy with AK and it was her business. 46 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:43,440 The way that she created it was for Mamas, makers and 47 00:02:43,440 --> 00:02:45,560 mompreneurs. That's what she wanted her blog 48 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:48,040 to be about. And then I ended up joining her 49 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:51,520 and it started catering toward blended families. 50 00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:56,560 So divorced moms and stepmoms. We did tons of blogs, tons of 51 00:02:56,560 --> 00:03:00,400 videos and then we created a physical planner that was had 52 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,880 like a Co parenting component in it and she's incredibly 53 00:03:03,880 --> 00:03:06,400 artistic. So she actually like Drew it 54 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,440 designed it did all sorts of stuff. 55 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:12,240 So that was our, that's what everybody saw. 56 00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:16,480 And then behind the scenes, she was more of the creative and I 57 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:20,000 was more of the operations, logistics and things of that 58 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,680 nature. So it was interesting, you know, 59 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:25,440 in that process. So let's see. 60 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:28,640 That started in January. We've ran it together for 10 61 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,360 months. I think I said 6 ran it together 62 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:34,280 for 10 months. But then in October, so we ran 63 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:37,720 it till November. In October, she moved in with 64 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,760 us. She and her husband and the 65 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:42,920 daughter they share together so that my stepdaughter was there 66 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:44,680 full time. And that was only for three 67 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:47,320 months. But if you can do the math, 68 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,480 about a month and 1/2 into living with us is when the 69 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,280 business became solely mine when I bought her out of it. 70 00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:58,360 So there was obviously a lot of togetherness between business 71 00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:01,880 and living together and don't recommend but. 72 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:03,920 Yeah, I know. I can only imagine. 73 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:08,720 Well, without divulging like too much of the personal side of it, 74 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:13,160 What I guess was like the catalyst to you guys not doing 75 00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:15,880 the business together anymore and how did that affect your 76 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,680 guys's relationship? I think there were two things 77 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,959 that really affected the business and the trajectory of 78 00:04:21,959 --> 00:04:24,560 it. The first one being when she 79 00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:27,680 created that planner, she learned that she absolutely 80 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,440 loved planners. She wanted to design planner, 81 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:33,920 she wanted to design planner stickers and that's ultimately 82 00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:38,240 the business path that she chose instead of focusing on the Co 83 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,680 parenting side of it. That's really what she enjoyed. 84 00:04:40,760 --> 00:04:44,960 So that was a major part. I think the other part is that I 85 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,720 was able to find a lot of Facebook groups, a lot of 86 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:50,440 stepmoms on Instagram. I was able to really connect 87 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:53,080 with the stepmom side in a way that she struggled to find the 88 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:56,760 divorced moms out there. And I think that created tension 89 00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,880 that some of the stepmom articles were really reaching 90 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,600 audiences and we were getting a lot of validation on that side, 91 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,600 but not as much validation on the divorced mom side. 92 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,520 And I think, you know, having a podcast, it's hard to keep 93 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:11,240 talking if you don't think you have an audience listening. 94 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,880 So that was hard for her. And then you just add the 95 00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:17,120 personal side of it, mom versus stepmom. 96 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:20,360 And we tried so hard not to go there, but it's hard not to. 97 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,040 Yeah, yeah. No, absolutely. 98 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,280 Well, thank you for sharing about that today. 99 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:27,280 I wanted to talk to you because it sounds like you have a lot 100 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:31,520 more experience and Alyssa and I do, you know, more years under 101 00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,760 your belt being a stepmom and maybe some more insight than we 102 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:38,480 do about boundaries. So first, when you hear the word 103 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:42,080 boundaries, what do you think most stepmoms misunderstand 104 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:46,040 about it? Yeah, I am the poster child for 105 00:05:46,040 --> 00:05:50,280 why you need boundaries. Having me live with us, not 106 00:05:50,280 --> 00:05:52,600 something I recommend. Absolutely needed to learn 107 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,760 boundaries. And funnily enough, when Amanda 108 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:59,200 moved in with us, one of the biggest pieces of advice we 109 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,000 heard over and over is you need to have clear boundaries. 110 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:03,800 You need to make sure you set boundaries. 111 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,640 And we looked at each other and we were like, but what does that 112 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:09,400 mean? And I think a lot of women in 113 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:12,280 general, but stepmom specifically, we struggle with 114 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:15,280 boundaries because we don't actually know what they are. 115 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:18,560 And I think we hear them. They sound evil, they sound 116 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:22,480 selfish, or they just sound like this mystical thing. 117 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,280 We could look it up in a dictionary, but we don't know 118 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:26,320 what it practically means in our lives. 119 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:30,040 A lot of people, I'll hear from so many clients that they'll say 120 00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:34,520 people are they don't respect my boundaries and boundaries don't 121 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:38,480 actually require compliance. They need you to enforce them. 122 00:06:38,600 --> 00:06:42,840 We don't need others to comply. And I think that's the biggest 123 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:44,920 misconception. Yeah, no, totally. 124 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:49,360 I I totally relate when you say that boundaries are seen as an 125 00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:54,720 evil thing because I think even in my own stepmom journey, I 126 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:58,120 have felt like if I set a boundary, I'm so mean. 127 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:01,800 And so I really appreciate that perspective for sure. 128 00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:05,800 Why do you think stepmoms, more than anyone else in the family 129 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:09,320 system, struggle so deeply with setting boundaries in the 1st 130 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:11,880 place, especially in the beginning of their stepmom 131 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:12,960 journey? I want to touch on. 132 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:16,280 Absolutely. So there's a couple of things 133 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,600 that really come into play here. The first one being that we are 134 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:25,600 just shamed by society, that we should really abandoned self and 135 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,160 give sacrificially. Y'all have heard it as many 136 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:33,360 times as I have that the kids need to come first and stepmom 137 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:36,120 needs to know her place and she needs to stay in her lane. 138 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:38,760 And everyone's got an opinion of what that looks like. 139 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,680 But the opinion is always that her role in her place is in the 140 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:43,760 backseat. Let everybody else get their 141 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,320 needs taken care of first. Which is completely 142 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:49,920 contradictory to what we need to be doing of setting boundaries. 143 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:53,120 I think the second big thing that comes into play, it's 144 00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:56,400 related of course, is not knowing our role, not knowing 145 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:59,360 where we fit in. So where do you start setting 146 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:02,200 boundaries if you don't even know what your role is supposed 147 00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:03,880 to be? So when you combine them 148 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:07,080 together, it's just a giant mess and you don't really know where 149 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:09,560 to start. Definitely, definitely In your 150 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:13,920 early journey as a stepmom, how do you feel you were with 151 00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:15,640 setting boundaries? I know you kind of touched on 152 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,640 it, but do you have like a specific example of like 153 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:20,480 anything like that that comes to mind? 154 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:24,680 So many examples come to mind. I genuinely didn't know what a 155 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,480 boundary was. I didn't know how to frame it. 156 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:30,000 I didn't know what I could set a boundary around. 157 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:35,039 I just had nothing to work with. And I think letting them move in 158 00:08:35,039 --> 00:08:38,360 with us, I absolutely should have never let that happen. 159 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,320 I should have listened to the voice inside me that was 160 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,440 screaming no. Instead I was thinking, well, 161 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:47,320 who am I to say that my husband can't see his daughter every 162 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,160 day? Who am I to turn away a family 163 00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:54,640 that needs a place to stay? Who am I and who I am is an 164 00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:58,120 equal member of my home and an equal member of my family, and 165 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,400 I'm somebody who gets a voice and needs to use it. 166 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:03,120 But I didn't know that back then. 167 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:06,080 Yes, I can totally, totally relate with that. 168 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:09,480 I think in the beginning that's exactly how I felt too. 169 00:09:09,480 --> 00:09:12,840 I was like, well, who am I? My just so you know, a little 170 00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:18,000 bit background on me is my stepson when he was 13 came to 171 00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:21,440 live with us, you know, and my husband and I were moving in 172 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,360 together around the same time. So we moved in together and like 173 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:28,320 2 weeks later my stepson moved in and that's exactly how I felt 174 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:30,160 too. Like I don't have any ours 175 00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:33,440 babies either. So I was like, oh, like welcome. 176 00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:37,000 You know, I guess I'll just follow my husband's lead, you 177 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,080 know, but it was my house too. And so I really like what you 178 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:43,760 said about I am an equal member of this family and therefore I 179 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:46,000 do, you know, deserve deserve a voice. 180 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,640 So, you know, I really like that. 181 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:52,760 How does the pressure of, you know, that myth that stepmoms 182 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,080 here all the time, we'll just love them like your own. 183 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:58,360 How do you think in your experience and working with 184 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:01,400 other stepmoms so far, how is that complicated boundary 185 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:05,320 setting for them? I think that when somebody tells 186 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:09,680 you to just love them like your own, it's this way of making it 187 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:14,200 seem like you don't have a right to need boundaries that we, 188 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:18,680 again, we should take that backseat and we don't need 189 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,400 boundaries. We don't have needs. 190 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,600 We should just love them like our own. 191 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:24,960 We should be grateful there in our lives. 192 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,560 We should, you know, if you think you need a boundary, you 193 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:31,080 should feel guilty about that. And they're just kids. 194 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,480 You're the adult. We hear so much about that, or 195 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:38,600 we just internalize it and put that pressure on ourselves that 196 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,000 it makes it hard for us to just initiate that process and even 197 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,800 get started with the boundary setting. 198 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:47,240 Yes, no, definitely. What do you think? 199 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,720 If a stepmom mom is in her early journey, what do you think? 200 00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:54,520 Maybe one of like the most important or critical boundaries 201 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:59,840 she can set early on that will maybe help her decrease some of 202 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:02,120 that resentment that so many stepmoms feel. 203 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,520 I think there's so many you could set. 204 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:10,360 The one that I think could be the most helpful is to not 205 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:13,160 communicate with your stepchild's other parent. 206 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,880 And I, we do this with such good intentions. 207 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,080 We want to help. We want to ease the tension. 208 00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:22,120 We want to settle the conflict. We want to support our step 209 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,640 kids, whatever that is. We we want to be the bigger 210 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:28,400 person, But oftentimes all that does is increase resentment. 211 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,280 It increases conflict. It puts you in the middle where 212 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:34,720 you don't need to be. And what's best for your family 213 00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:38,440 is you showing up in the best way that you can, not making 214 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:43,560 yourself more resentful or more upset or having more reason to 215 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:47,880 dislike the other parent. So that would be my biggest. 216 00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,480 If I had to pick one, I would pick 1000. 217 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:52,840 But if I had to pick one, that would be the one. 218 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,040 OK. No, I like that. 219 00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:57,480 I like that. Let's talk about maybe the 220 00:11:57,480 --> 00:12:01,400 difference between emotional boundaries and physical or those 221 00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,520 logistical boundaries and stepmom life because I know I 222 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,560 have struggled with both. Can you talk maybe about the 223 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,360 difference between those two and what you've seen as well in your 224 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:12,840 own stepmom journey? Can is it OK if I go a little 225 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:16,240 Kochi for a minute? Please do it. 226 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,320 OK, so if you've read my book, if you've been in any of my 227 00:12:19,320 --> 00:12:24,160 coaching programs, I talk a lot about boundaries, especially the 228 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,720 emotional boundaries. And my specific way that I've 229 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:31,120 created to communicate a boundary is by using the acronym 230 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,480 WEIGHT. Wait. 231 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,280 When you want to communicate this emotional boundary to 232 00:12:35,280 --> 00:12:37,080 someone, it's going to have four parts. 233 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:39,840 Who is the why? What is the why behind your 234 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,720 boundary? Why do you need a boundary? 235 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,320 What's making you uncomfortable? A is the ask. 236 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,000 What is the request you're making of the other person? 237 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:49,760 If they honor the request, there's no need for the 238 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:52,520 boundary. But as we all know, they don't 239 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:56,880 always honor that request. the IT is the if then, and this is 240 00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:01,160 the big meat of your boundary. If you continue to do this, then 241 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:04,600 I will do this. That's my emotional boundary 242 00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,240 framework. So if you're feeling 243 00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:09,000 uncomfortable about something, take it back into your own 244 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,440 hands. Give them that. 245 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,320 That real if then if you continue to do this, then I will 246 00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:16,440 do this to protect my piece. It's important that I do that. 247 00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:20,520 The more physical logistical boundaries to me is like, I want 248 00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:25,920 our bedroom to be a no X zone. We're not talking about your X. 249 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,200 We're not communicating with your X. 250 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,040 If a phone call or a text comes in, we're leaving the room. 251 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:33,440 I'm not thinking about the X here. 252 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:36,000 If those thoughts start, I say no way. 253 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:39,720 I'm in my safe space right now. It could also be protecting your 254 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:43,800 time setting business hours when you'll talk about court or the X 255 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,640 setting hours that you will communicate with the X. 256 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:49,480 I'll read your text messages between 5:00 and 7:00. 257 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:52,680 Otherwise I won't be able to respond unless it's an 258 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,800 emergency. There's lots of different ways 259 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,360 you can have emotional or physical logistical boundaries, 260 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,600 but the I hope that helps give an example behind him. 261 00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:05,320 Yes, No, I love the boundary setting of the bedroom being, 262 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:09,360 you know, safe spot or safe space rather for, you know, a 263 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:12,800 husband and wife to be able to communicate without that that 264 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:17,720 third party that, you know, unfortunately and you know, all 265 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:21,720 the time is interjected into our lives as stepmom all the time. 266 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:25,800 I feel like, you know, sometimes we're always having to ask 267 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:29,560 another person before we make a decision, you know, whether 268 00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:33,600 that's going on vacation or, you know, doing this for our 269 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,200 stepchild or, or what have you. So I think that's a really 270 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,520 important boundary to set. So I like that. 271 00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,280 Absolutely. How do you think? 272 00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,360 And you kind of talked about this earlier, you said, you 273 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:48,280 know, you just said, who am I to say that, you know, someone 274 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:52,800 can't have us a place to live. So how can stepmoms? 275 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,840 And how have you, as you've gotten further into your stepmom 276 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,600 journey, been able to tell the difference between being 277 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:03,320 flexible and being a kind person that you are without abandoning 278 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:07,000 yourself and becoming resentful? It's a really important question 279 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,280 and a really important distinction. 280 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:12,080 I think our body knows. Like I wish I had a better 281 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,080 answer for you, but I think our body just knows. 282 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:18,560 Like I could feel it in my body saying please don't do this, 283 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:20,440 Please don't do this. This is like red flag. 284 00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:24,200 This is not good. And I chose to abandon it anyway 285 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:27,040 because my head was saying, well, we should and you should 286 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,560 be able to do that. And frankly, you should stop 287 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,760 shooting all over yourself. I love that. 288 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:35,040 It's easy to let those shoulds take over. 289 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,680 But your body will tell you I feel uncomfortable. 290 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:41,720 Your intuition will say this isn't right, so just listen to 291 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,280 your body. That's my best advice. 292 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:46,200 No, I like that. And I think it's also important 293 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:51,840 to note and discuss that that might be different for different 294 00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,840 stepmoms, right? You know, me being flexible in 295 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:58,120 my own stepmom life might look different than it does to you. 296 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:02,000 You might be like, you know what that would be abandoning myself. 297 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:06,520 So I'm not going to do that. So I like that you talked about 298 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,840 listen to your body because it is different for everyone. 299 00:16:08,840 --> 00:16:11,160 Everyone has a different bandwidth and what they're able 300 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,840 to handle optionally. So I like that. 301 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,440 Yeah, absolutely. OK. 302 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:18,160 This is a big one and I'm so excited to go into this 303 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:23,120 boundaries with our partners. How important is it for 304 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:28,880 boundaries to be communicated early on and help upheld by our 305 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,800 partner and not just the stepmom? 306 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,840 So this is one of those times that I'm going to say something 307 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:36,880 then on every stepmom is going to like, you can't force your 308 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:40,240 partner to set a boundary. And I I wish we could, but they 309 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:43,240 are their own person and you probably wouldn't want a partner 310 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:44,800 that you could totally control anyway. 311 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:46,600 Yeah. No, I left that. 312 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:48,640 You just said that that that's helpful for me. 313 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,840 Keep going. So we can encourage our 314 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:52,640 partners. And so when I'm talking about 315 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:56,960 that weight framework, if I want to say, I don't want the ex to 316 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,400 come into our home when we're not here, right? 317 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,320 So sometimes there's this situation where the ex says, I'm 318 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,920 going to bring the kids over, let them get their soccer gear, 319 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,440 you're at work, whatever. And I would say that makes me 320 00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:10,800 wildly uncomfortable. I don't want your ex. 321 00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,040 I don't want anybody in my home when I'm not home. 322 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,760 But especially your ex, especially if things are high 323 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,960 conflict, she doesn't need to see anything that she could use 324 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:22,680 as ammo. So that's my, my why My ask is I 325 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:25,119 would really appreciate it if you could set a boundary that 326 00:17:25,119 --> 00:17:27,000 we're not allowing any anybody into our home. 327 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:32,480 If then if you choose not to, then I will. 328 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,440 What will I do? It's something totally in my 329 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:37,080 control. I will change the lock. 330 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,520 I will change the code on the front door. 331 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:43,240 I will communicate with the X that you're not allowed in our 332 00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,520 home. I will communicate to my stepson 333 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:49,200 that he needs to get his soccer gear out before he comes home or 334 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:52,200 before he leaves or that I will set it out for him when I get 335 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:55,240 home from work. I need to take back that control 336 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,800 because it's not fair of my partner that I'm resentful for 337 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,200 them for not doing something that would be abandoning them 338 00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:07,520 his self. Stepmoms, how are you coping 339 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:10,080 with transition day? I'll tell you how I am. 340 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:15,040 I'm lighting my big ass candles to calm my big ass anxieties and 341 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,520 honestly it changes the whole mood of the house. 342 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,160 Same chaos, just calmer vibes and way better energy. 343 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:25,200 We're obsessed with big ass candles from big ass luxuries. 344 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:29,480 Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. If you want to try one, use code 345 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,640 stepmom at checkout for a discount. 346 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:36,960 That's code stepmom at checkout. Big ass candles because stepmom 347 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,040 life comes with big ass feelings. 348 00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:48,720 OK, I have kind of a hard question and I think a lot of 349 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,240 stepmoms can relate to this because I definitely can. 350 00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:54,600 What if your partner is like, I'm not, I'm not doing that, 351 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,600 Kristen, it's fine with me as she comes into the house to get 352 00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:59,120 the software stuff. It's not a big deal. 353 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,240 You know what, how would you go about that? 354 00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,520 Because I know once again, the lots of stepmoms can probably 355 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,680 relate to this. I think our partners become 356 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:13,960 defensive sometimes when we as stepmoms set these boundaries 357 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,800 because these are their children and to them it really is no big 358 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:18,760 deal sometimes. So. 359 00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:22,080 So what would you say to a stepmom who just trying to set a 360 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:25,440 boundary similar to the one you just discussed and the partners 361 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:29,040 like, no, we're not doing that? Yeah, and we've probably all 362 00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,200 been there in some way or another. 363 00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:32,400 And it. You're so right. 364 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,320 They feel so defensive. They feel caught in the middle 365 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:38,240 of everyone. I don't want to let my decision 366 00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:41,440 to divorce affect my kids any more than it already has. 367 00:19:41,440 --> 00:19:43,840 If he forgot a soccer gear, he should be able to go into the 368 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:46,120 house and get a soccer gear. I hear you. 369 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:48,840 I love your heart and I honor that. 370 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,200 That's your need. But I also have needs. 371 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:54,200 This is also my home. And one of the best things that 372 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,600 we can say to our partners is I don't need you to understand why 373 00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:01,680 I feel this way, but I do need you to respect that this is how 374 00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:04,960 I'm experiencing things. I feel uncomfortable with people 375 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,680 in our home. When we're not there, you can 376 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,920 try empathy. You can say, would you feel 377 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:14,920 comfortable if my ex-boyfriend was in the house when we weren't 378 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,280 there? Like would you feel comfortable 379 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:18,800 knowing that he was in there? You weren't there? 380 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:21,360 Could he be rifling through my underwear drawer? 381 00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:22,360 Right. Like I don't know what he would 382 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:23,600 do. What would make you 383 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,920 uncomfortable? I can try to come up with that 384 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,240 example. Sometimes that works really 385 00:20:28,240 --> 00:20:31,720 effectively. Other times we're so stuck in 386 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:35,080 that defensive, caught in the middle, Make my kids happy. 387 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,480 Reduce conflict. There's a lot of conflict 388 00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,920 avoidance that goes on between our partners and their ex. 389 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,680 So how can I communicate that to him? 390 00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,080 It just comes down to me and my boundaries. 391 00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:49,440 I can't force you to do anything, but I can control what 392 00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,320 I do. If you choose not to, then I 393 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:55,680 will change the lock. I will communicate. 394 00:20:55,960 --> 00:21:00,200 I will put up a no trespassing sign and call the police if I 395 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:00,760 need to. Right. 396 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,960 Like that may not work effectively if she has 397 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:07,240 permission from someone else in the home, but I can still set 398 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,000 boundaries for myself. The other thing is I may just 399 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,560 not want to know about it. I can protect myself if you just 400 00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,080 don't communicate to me that she's been in my house. 401 00:21:16,280 --> 00:21:19,880 Ignorance can be blessed, so choose what you can control to 402 00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:23,840 still protect your peace. Don't let your partner don't let 403 00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:26,360 their ex. Don't let your step kids have 404 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,880 more control over your Peace of Mind than you have. 405 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:31,960 Yeah, no, absolutely. Have you, if you feel 406 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,840 comfortable sharing, of course, or if you want to talk about 407 00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:37,960 maybe one of the stepmoms you've worked with, when has there been 408 00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:42,920 a time where there's been a really difficult boundary to 409 00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:46,480 set, but they set it and what was the result like, What was 410 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,600 the situation and what did it look like? 411 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:54,120 I guess yes. So I'm going to think about this 412 00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:56,320 one client. It's been several years now. 413 00:21:56,480 --> 00:22:01,800 She used to get hundreds of text messages a night from the ex 414 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:06,360 just harassing constant. There was an alcohol abuse 415 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,760 problem and you could just kind of tell the timing of the text 416 00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:11,640 messages coincided with some of that. 417 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:15,080 And my client was like, I just can't handle this. 418 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:19,560 She's sending me so many and she's berating me and she's 419 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,360 telling me that I'm awful things. 420 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:24,120 But then the next morning she wants me to take the school 421 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:27,200 folder up to my stepson or she wants me to do this and it's 422 00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,920 like nothing ever happened. And I had to explain to her you 423 00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:32,680 have every right to set a boundary of how you will or will 424 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:36,280 not be communicated with. So she set the boundary. 425 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:40,000 If you choose to continue sending me excessive or 426 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:44,160 harassive harassing text, then I will no longer be able to 427 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:47,480 communicate with you until you can speak to me kindly that I'm 428 00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:49,200 unavailable. And she blocked her number. 429 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,640 That's what she needed to do to make it happen. 430 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:53,760 That's what was within her control, yes. 431 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:56,000 No, I love that. Yeah, that is great. 432 00:22:56,000 --> 00:23:02,560 Do you know by chance if that boundary was upheld or that made 433 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:04,320 the relationship between them better now? 434 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:07,080 I don't know that the relationship is better per SE, 435 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:10,000 but I. Think, but no more late text 436 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:13,040 messages at least. The numbers blocked, right? 437 00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:16,400 Like I have limited your access to me because you don't deserve 438 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:18,400 it. You can't be respectful of it. 439 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,680 Therefore, I took matters into my own hands. 440 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:24,280 And I have that right. Yeah, I have that right. 441 00:23:24,280 --> 00:23:28,520 Even though I'm helping parent or child, I have that right as a 442 00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:32,360 human being to limit access to you. 443 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:34,440 I like that. Absolutely. 444 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:36,600 I know for sure there was backlash. 445 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,720 There always is there usually. Is always yes. 446 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,400 So when she no longer had access to my client, then all the 447 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:46,640 harassing messages transferred to my client's husband. 448 00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,320 You make your bed, rely in it. Like I don't know what to tell 449 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,080 you, right? It's not my problem. 450 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,160 Yeah, well. Then they have, then they have 451 00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,920 to set a boundary. And so I do, you know, want to 452 00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:01,680 kind of just touch on that think in my experience in life thus 453 00:24:01,680 --> 00:24:08,600 far, it's more difficult for men to set boundaries, especially in 454 00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:12,120 these situations. So I think sometimes when 455 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:15,320 stepmoms set a boundary, like I'm not going to communicate 456 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:18,600 with bio mom about XY and Z, or if they hundreds of text 457 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,040 messages in the middle of the night like you were describing, 458 00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:26,640 then it almost kind of forces our partners to be able to set a 459 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,240 boundary themselves if they want to do so. 460 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,880 Yep it is. At the end of the day, this is 461 00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:36,600 your partner's dynamic. It's their kids, it's their ex 462 00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:40,600 partner. The majority of the burden of 463 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:43,880 maintaining the status quo with the acts or raising their 464 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:45,520 children, it should fall in your partner. 465 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:48,680 It's not yours to carry. Your burden to carry is 466 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:52,040 protecting your peace so you can show up the best you can for 467 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,240 your chosen partner and for your family. 468 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:56,800 You don't need to keep the peace with anyone else. 469 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,080 You keep the peace with yourself. 470 00:24:58,360 --> 00:24:59,840 You keep the peace with your partner. 471 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,640 You do the best you can in your family. 472 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:04,160 Don't try to carry a burden that's not yours. 473 00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:05,760 You didn't fix it. You didn't break it. 474 00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:08,080 You can't fix it. Yeah, absolutely. 475 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:13,280 What advice do you give or would you give to stepmoms who I'm 476 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,680 sure you've experienced this, who are constantly feeling like 477 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,920 they're monitored or judged or compared? 478 00:25:17,920 --> 00:25:22,040 I know myself, I've definitely experienced this. 479 00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:27,200 And I think we're constantly comparing ourselves to bio mom 480 00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:30,280 in our heads. And yeah, just if we could dive 481 00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:33,480 a little bit deeper into that. I don't know if this is as much 482 00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:39,560 of A boundary issue as it is building your confidence in who 483 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:44,440 you are and what you contribute to this family and recognizing 484 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:49,760 your value is so powerful and so different from what the other 485 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,720 parent is providing in this family. 486 00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:55,200 If you can think of your stepchild's life like a puzzle, 487 00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:57,360 the mom is absolutely going to have a piece. 488 00:25:57,360 --> 00:26:00,080 Your partner is absolutely going to have a piece of that puzzle. 489 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,360 But you also have a piece and it's shaped differently than 490 00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:06,640 their pieces and it's a different piece of the larger 491 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,600 picture. But you're exciting value in a, 492 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:12,160 in a really unique, beautiful way. 493 00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:16,160 To give you kind of an example, I absolutely used to struggle 494 00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:18,560 with comparing myself to Krista's mom. 495 00:26:18,600 --> 00:26:22,240 Tiny and beautiful and an incredible artist and a great 496 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:24,640 cook and all of these things that I'm not. 497 00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:27,800 I have different strengths, I have different values I can add, 498 00:26:28,040 --> 00:26:32,320 but I was hyper focused on on what she was providing, that 499 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:35,320 value she was providing in Krista's life that she used to 500 00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:38,520 provide in my husband's life and I could never measure up in 501 00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:41,200 those ways. What I really needed to do was 502 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,880 lean into my strengths. I may not be able to cook the 503 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:47,560 way she can, but I can sure be goofy in the kitchen and dance 504 00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:51,280 and make a mean grilled cheese and do it with a smile on my 505 00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:53,800 face. I am not an incredible artist, 506 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:57,400 but I used to be a tutor and I can help my stepdaughter with 507 00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,560 her homework in a way that her mom and her dad couldn't. 508 00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,040 I needed to lean into that and then show up really 509 00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:07,080 authentically in my family. It helped me to feel a lot less 510 00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:10,000 pressure, but it also helped them to receive me better. 511 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:14,160 Yeah, I think that that does bring in a big value when we all 512 00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:18,840 kind of are able to understand what we bring to the table, 513 00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:24,480 especially because there's this like silent peace when we kind 514 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:28,080 of accept that we're good enough for someone else's kids in our 515 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:30,400 home. We don't have to like none of 516 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:32,160 us. We said in our last episode, we 517 00:27:32,160 --> 00:27:35,360 don't want to be the moms. Like I am not trying to be your 518 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:39,440 mom, but to be able to ground ourselves in the thoughts of 519 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:44,360 like they have a mom so they'll missing pieces that they need 520 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,120 are really just when they're at our house. 521 00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:51,600 Or like you said, if we have something that, you know, bio 522 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:56,720 mom does not offer, then we need to emphasize that here so that 523 00:27:56,720 --> 00:28:00,760 that's something that the kid is getting a film it with. 524 00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:03,760 And I think it just helps complete them in some ways where 525 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:08,000 we can't ever they you know, some kids like our own bio kids, 526 00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:10,920 they only have two parents. And I say only because like 527 00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:13,320 sometimes it is better to have four parents or three or 528 00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:16,720 whatever. And so, yeah, if you know, 529 00:28:16,720 --> 00:28:20,040 they're getting the best both worlds with extra Christmases, 530 00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:22,400 they're also getting the best with worlds with like a mom that 531 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:27,240 can make you said make a goofy kitchen grilled cheese and then 532 00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:29,240 a mom I can have a gourmet dinner. 533 00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:34,120 So they're kind of getting this exposure to more personalities 534 00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:36,680 in more ways to bring out yourself. 535 00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:40,480 And I tell my step kids all the time to you're kind of lucky to 536 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:43,280 have two households like my kids when they're older and they see 537 00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:46,680 this and you're going back and forth and you get to leave when 538 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:50,480 dad's mad at you and these kids have to stay here when dad's mad 539 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,240 at them, like they're going to be so jealous. 540 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:55,200 So there are some things and I think it's so important to 541 00:28:55,200 --> 00:28:59,200 really emphasize like what we as step moms bring to the table and 542 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:02,760 how we are a benefit to the kids because what we're hearing is a 543 00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:08,520 lot of so moms are being told that they're just a problem. 544 00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:10,920 And so if we hear that enough, we start thinking. 545 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:15,200 I think that's a great point and it is so important that we hear 546 00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:18,280 it from others, but we also remind ourselves that we are 547 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:20,080 positively adding to this family. 548 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,680 Absolutely. And so I think that's kind of a 549 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:26,960 perfect segue into studying boundaries with our step kids 550 00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:30,640 because, you know, I think many, many stepmoms struggle with 551 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:32,920 this, especially in the beginning. 552 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:36,520 Maybe, you know, these stepmoms don't have ours babies, which 553 00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:39,440 is, you know, pretty much the same story across the board from 554 00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:41,920 what I've, you know, experienced so far. 555 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:45,200 And so it's the first time they're even in a mom type of 556 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:48,520 role, so. How do you? 557 00:29:48,520 --> 00:29:53,160 Explain boundaries to stepmoms that think that I'm overstepping 558 00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:57,000 by setting this boundary, or I might damage the relationship 559 00:29:57,000 --> 00:30:01,160 with my step kids by doing so. Honestly, I think the best 560 00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:05,240 advice I can give you is to remember that boundaries are the 561 00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:08,560 kindest thing you can do. Boundaries, when they are done 562 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:12,400 correctly with the proper motivation, connect us more than 563 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:16,040 they separate us. They teach others who we are, 564 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:18,680 what we will accept and what what we need. 565 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:21,880 We are we are being completely transparent with who we are. 566 00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:25,120 Boundaries that are not done with pure intent can damage 567 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:28,680 relationships. But if you're, if you're doing 568 00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:31,920 it with a positive intention, you're doing it with a pure 569 00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:33,880 heart. You're saying if I continue to 570 00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:36,120 do this, it's going to damage our relationship? 571 00:30:36,120 --> 00:30:39,720 If I continue to make your lunch every day and then hear you 572 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:44,040 after school complain that you got ham instead of Turkey and 573 00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,800 that you didn't want that kind of chips and why would you put 574 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,160 an apple? I told you I hate apples and I 575 00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:51,440 hear you continue to complain about it, that's going to damage 576 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:55,040 our relationship more than it's going to add value to your life 577 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:57,680 to have a packed lunch. So I will add money to your 578 00:30:57,680 --> 00:31:00,480 lunch account. I will let my partner know that 579 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:03,240 they can pack your lunch. I will do whatever I need to do 580 00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:06,240 to not be the one to put myself in a position to continue 581 00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:09,280 damaging our relationship. Not because I don't love you, 582 00:31:09,520 --> 00:31:12,000 because I desire a better relationship with you. 583 00:31:12,120 --> 00:31:14,000 It's hard. It's hard to make that 584 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:16,600 adjustment. It feels like we're punishing, 585 00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:18,560 but you're not. You're preserving. 586 00:31:18,640 --> 00:31:23,000 Well, you feel, at least in my experience, I feel bad sometimes 587 00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:27,080 doing that, but with my own son, I would never feel bad setting 588 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:29,080 that boundary because it's not a boundary. 589 00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:32,840 It's just parenting, you know? So I think a lot of stepmoms 590 00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:35,680 struggle with that because we're all human beings and I think at 591 00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:39,800 the end of the day, we all desire to be light even by our 592 00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:43,720 step kids, even on our worst stays with them, we still want 593 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:47,160 them to like us. And with our own kids, we know 594 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:50,920 for the most part in most, you know, mom child relationships 595 00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:52,720 that they unconditionally love us. 596 00:31:52,720 --> 00:31:54,520 And it's not the same with our step kids. 597 00:31:54,520 --> 00:31:58,320 So I think that sometimes there's a deeper desire to earn 598 00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:02,160 their love or their like for us. Yeah, it goes back to that. 599 00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:07,880 Like you become an evil stepmom if you don't pack the lunch or, 600 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:09,960 you know, you don't write a note. 601 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:14,240 Like I had to stop writing notes in the lunches because it became 602 00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:18,880 an issue where, you know, mom didn't want to see those. 603 00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:21,880 So it's not pretty. And so I don't want to put the 604 00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:24,480 kids in that situation. So I don't my love notes anymore 605 00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:28,160 or any of those. But then it will stepmom because 606 00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:31,760 I don't like you said, if I stopped making lunches and I 607 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,400 just the evilest stepmom and I have their best interest at 608 00:32:34,400 --> 00:32:39,240 mine, you know, and but I would think most settlements actually 609 00:32:39,240 --> 00:32:41,320 do have the best interests at heart. 610 00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:45,680 So how do we accept that when we're trying to make that 611 00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:48,960 decision? It's so hard, especially when 612 00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:51,040 you're first starting to make boundaries. 613 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:54,800 So what I want to say is trust the process and then measure the 614 00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:57,440 results. Reflect on how you feel after a 615 00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:00,080 week of not packing the lunch. Are you last? 616 00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:03,840 Like, if I'm in this situation, I am tensing up like half an 617 00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:06,920 hour before school gets out because I know I'm about to hear 618 00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:09,680 how awful I am for everything I packed in the lunch and how it 619 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:12,200 was all wrong. So after a week's time, after 620 00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:15,120 two weeks time, do you find that you're not actually dreading 621 00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:18,520 school getting out anymore? Do you find that you don't feel 622 00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:22,360 stressed and overthinking things when you're making your grocery 623 00:33:22,360 --> 00:33:24,480 list? Can you really sense some of 624 00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:28,960 that growth and then cherish it, really acknowledge it and live 625 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:31,280 in that and say, OK, I did the right thing. 626 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:34,120 I can see how this is contributing more positively to 627 00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:37,400 my relationship with my stepson. I recognize that he's not going 628 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:39,680 without lunch. He absolutely can buy lunch at 629 00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:41,400 school. My partner can absolutely make 630 00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:43,440 him lunch. I feel good about this. 631 00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:44,920 I feel like he's not going without. 632 00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:47,040 This was the best thing we can do for our relationship. 633 00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:49,560 It doesn't mean that you don't ever make his lunch again. 634 00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:52,120 Just means that right now, that's not what's best for 635 00:33:52,120 --> 00:33:52,920 y'all. Great. 636 00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:58,080 OK. I have a question about stepmoms 637 00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:02,280 being the primary disciplinary and how do you feel about that? 638 00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:06,320 And do you think it's OK for them not to be the primary 639 00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:09,719 disciplinary or even emotionally available at all times? 640 00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:13,520 How do you feel about that? Such a tricky question. 641 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,719 No, it's really, truly not. It just feels like it is. 642 00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:20,639 Seriously. Doctor Patricia Papurnow, who is 643 00:34:20,639 --> 00:34:24,440 like the leading researcher on step families, she tells us that 644 00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:26,760 the general rule is connection before correction. 645 00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:29,719 You should be bonded with your stepchildren before you try to 646 00:34:29,719 --> 00:34:32,239 discipline them. It will not work. 647 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:35,440 It will not be productive or effective if you try to 648 00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:38,199 discipline them before you've properly bonded. 649 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:42,360 You don't have respect typically, just inherently by 650 00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:45,960 being an adult in their life. Usually you need to earn it by 651 00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:49,239 having a relationship with them. I don't think think any stepmom 652 00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:53,080 needs to be a disciplinarian. I think that if you feel 653 00:34:53,080 --> 00:34:54,760 uncomfortable with it, trust that. 654 00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:58,000 Listen to your body, listen to your intuition, trust that. 655 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:01,680 Step away from that. You can be an incredible parent 656 00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:04,760 and not be a disciplinarian in your home. 657 00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:09,000 I think there is also room for doing some, but not all. 658 00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:12,400 So I like to think of it as a bit of a spectrum between I'm 659 00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:15,440 totally disengaged with discipline. 660 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:17,520 I'm totally engaged in discipline. 661 00:35:17,560 --> 00:35:19,560 I will, I will, I will enforce rules. 662 00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:21,800 I will set punishments. I will do everything. 663 00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:24,440 That's one side of the spectrum. The other side is you can wait 664 00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:27,000 till your dad gets home and dad will take care of it, right? 665 00:35:27,240 --> 00:35:29,600 But then there's a wiggle room in the middle. 666 00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:34,360 There's some wiggle room in the middle of like, OK, maybe I'll 667 00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:36,920 enforce rules and set punishments only when the other 668 00:35:36,920 --> 00:35:39,680 parent isn't home. Or maybe I'll enforce rules, but 669 00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:42,760 I won't set punishments and I'll wait for my partner to set the 670 00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:45,600 punishment. So it doesn't have to be all or 671 00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:48,440 nothing. Find what works for y'all and 672 00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:51,320 what works for your step kids. What are they receptive to? 673 00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:53,640 What is your partner receptive to? 674 00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:55,840 And sometimes it just takes some finessing. 675 00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:59,080 Give it time and see what works for everybody. 676 00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:02,200 And if it's nothing, if it's you stepping away from it all, 677 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:06,000 consider it like, I'm done. I don't have to do that one less 678 00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:07,840 thing I'm I'm sort of relieved of. 679 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:11,800 Yeah, I like that ebb and flow. We like to test things out and 680 00:36:11,800 --> 00:36:13,880 see what works. That's where I think after, you 681 00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:17,080 know, quite a few years under our belt and like in my 682 00:36:17,080 --> 00:36:20,440 household, that goes to make the same we that's all we made with 683 00:36:20,440 --> 00:36:22,360 the platform. We feel like we got to a place 684 00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:24,640 where we've tried a lot of things and we figured out what 685 00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:27,800 works for us. You just kind of have to be 686 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:31,400 careful with who's at stake here because you're nothing with 687 00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:33,600 people's emotions or, you know, teens. 688 00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:36,760 And so it's like these are children we're still talking 689 00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:39,200 about. So sure, you want to try out and 690 00:36:39,200 --> 00:36:42,600 see what works best in household, but with caution, of 691 00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:46,120 course. So and Becca and you don't 692 00:36:46,120 --> 00:36:50,280 discipline, right, don't you? You make your husband do it. 693 00:36:50,280 --> 00:36:54,120 I can't remember how. So I have three, I have 694 00:36:54,120 --> 00:36:58,920 three-step kids and the oldest I was telling Christmas earlier 695 00:36:59,240 --> 00:37:03,000 when he came to live with us, it was my husband handled all 696 00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:08,440 discipline, all punishment. I also think when your stepchild 697 00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:11,880 comes into your life and especially into your home, at 698 00:37:11,880 --> 00:37:14,120 what age they are really matters also. 699 00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:17,840 So my youngest stepson who lives with us, but he and my 700 00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:20,920 stepdaughter who comes and visits, I have no problem 701 00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:24,240 disciplining in them. However, my youngest stepson was 702 00:37:24,240 --> 00:37:27,080 3 when I met him. So it's way different. 703 00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,160 So I think it's like different kid personalities. 704 00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:33,880 However, I think if there was like a big punishment, you know, 705 00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:37,960 that had to be given or delivered that my husband, you 706 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:40,520 know, would deliver that. But I've even worked with bio 707 00:37:40,520 --> 00:37:43,760 moms sometimes when she she hasn't lived here, like, hey, 708 00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:46,800 Stepson's doing this and let's come up with a punishment 709 00:37:46,800 --> 00:37:49,320 together. And we've done that together. 710 00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:53,080 And research does show us that if your stepchildren come into 711 00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:56,240 your life at a younger age, it's a lot easier for you to step 712 00:37:56,240 --> 00:37:58,680 into that disciplinarian role. There's also a gender 713 00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:01,600 difference. Boys can typically bond with a 714 00:38:01,600 --> 00:38:04,920 stepmom easier and trust a stepmom and listen to a stepmom 715 00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:08,360 better than girls can. Find that absolutely, yes, I've 716 00:38:08,360 --> 00:38:11,920 been doing research of my own and it's so interesting what the 717 00:38:11,920 --> 00:38:14,720 research does all about. Step family is in all of us. 718 00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:18,320 So interesting having two step boys and no girls. 719 00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:19,920 I had no idea. I would have thought it would be 720 00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:22,320 the other way around. I think there's more loyalty 721 00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:27,120 toward mom from a girl, usually that if I bond with another 722 00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:31,200 mother figure, another woman, that it feels more disloyal. 723 00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:33,360 It feels like more of a betrayal of my mom. 724 00:38:33,680 --> 00:38:37,480 I'm not certain that's why, but that was my my conclusion from 725 00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:38,560 what I wrote. Interesting. 726 00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:43,360 Our loyalty binds over here run deep, so we we just have a 727 00:38:43,360 --> 00:38:47,080 special case I guess. I think you have some mama's 728 00:38:47,080 --> 00:38:49,880 boys, though. I think some moms are closer to 729 00:38:49,880 --> 00:38:54,120 their boys though, too. You're not, you know, Yeah, they 730 00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:57,400 Yeah. Anyways, I wanted to just touch 731 00:38:57,400 --> 00:39:01,160 on how boundaries kind of shift in the home, in the blooded 732 00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:04,640 family when ours babies come into the picture. 733 00:39:04,640 --> 00:39:07,240 How do you How have you seen in your own life? 734 00:39:07,240 --> 00:39:10,760 If you're comfortable sharing boundaries, shift or get ignored 735 00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:12,760 when the Ours baby enters the picture. 736 00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:17,000 It's a really great question, and I like to think that I'm a 737 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,440 boundaries queen now after living and learning the hard 738 00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:25,120 way, but I even struggled with this when my first son was born 739 00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:27,680 a couple years ago. Sort of reflecting on that 740 00:39:27,680 --> 00:39:30,920 period, I think about like the first day that Krista came back 741 00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:33,320 to our house after I had my son and we're back home. 742 00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:38,040 I was sitting at the kitchen table nursing my son with one 743 00:39:38,040 --> 00:39:41,000 hand and helping my stepdaughter with her geography test, 744 00:39:41,120 --> 00:39:43,120 studying for a test with the other hand. 745 00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:47,160 I didn't trust my own boundary because I was so worried about 746 00:39:47,160 --> 00:39:50,360 overcompensating and making sure she didn't feel like her life 747 00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:53,160 shifted when he was born. Just because we had another 748 00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:55,720 child does it mean your life should change? 749 00:39:55,720 --> 00:40:00,600 But because of the increased pressure on us as stepmoms, 750 00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:04,000 especially when you're adding. A new baby to the family and 751 00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:06,960 you're balancing all of the things on top of healing your 752 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:09,600 body, not getting any sleep, whatever. 753 00:40:09,600 --> 00:40:14,160 Stepmom has to adapt her boundaries to reflect her new 754 00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:16,680 role and all of these new demands on her. 755 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:20,080 What's 1 boundary? As every stepmom should consider 756 00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:22,200 studying no matter what the situation is. 757 00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:26,480 Maybe just like a blanket stepmom boundary you can give to 758 00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:29,320 someone. I think, sorry, we talked about 759 00:40:29,320 --> 00:40:32,360 this earlier, so I'm just trying to figure out how I want to wrap 760 00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:36,400 this up. You know, I talked earlier about 761 00:40:37,280 --> 00:40:39,800 not communicating with your stepchild's other parent. 762 00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:43,840 It's the best I could come with come up with for kind of a micro 763 00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:46,360 boundary. What I want every stepmom to 764 00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:49,640 remember is that you need to protect your peace. 765 00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:52,160 Listen to your gut, listen to your intuition. 766 00:40:52,160 --> 00:40:55,640 If something is telling you it's causing you resentment, it's 767 00:40:55,640 --> 00:41:00,440 causing you resentment, it's causing you to feel distant from 768 00:41:00,440 --> 00:41:02,400 your partner. It's causing you to feel distant 769 00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:05,880 from your stepchild. It's causing you to abandon who 770 00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:08,840 you are, who you know you are. It's making you into somebody 771 00:41:08,840 --> 00:41:11,280 that you don't like, somebody you don't recognize. 772 00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:13,840 Step away from it. Protect your peace. 773 00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:16,280 Figure out another way to take back control. 774 00:41:16,280 --> 00:41:19,680 This shows up in a variety of ways, but when I was an early 775 00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,240 stepmom, I needed to know that it was OK to say no. 776 00:41:22,400 --> 00:41:24,880 And that's, that's what I want stepmoms to hear. 777 00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:27,920 You're allowed to say no. You're allowed to take up space. 778 00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:31,200 You are not just allowed to protect your peace, you need to. 779 00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:34,120 That's the only way that your marriage will survive. 780 00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:37,960 Yes, and I like how you said marriage will survive because 781 00:41:38,440 --> 00:41:42,960 you know, the research is clear that second marriage is, you 782 00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:46,360 know, end in divorce way more frequently than first marriages 783 00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:48,520 do because of the step family dynamic. 784 00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:51,400 So I'm glad you touched on that. OK, do you want to get to some 785 00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:54,960 listener kind of questions? I just have a couple for you. 786 00:41:55,240 --> 00:41:58,400 You know some stepmoms that are interested in sending setting 787 00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:00,040 some different boundaries in their life. 788 00:42:00,240 --> 00:42:06,040 So one stepmom says that you know the bio mom is constantly 789 00:42:06,040 --> 00:42:10,920 late to games and practices of their shared 9 year old. 790 00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:13,520 How would you give that stepmom advice? 791 00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:17,360 Is that something you can set a boundary for or is that kind of 792 00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:19,720 out of our control? What advice would you give the 793 00:42:19,720 --> 00:42:22,320 stepmom who is getting frustrated with the? 794 00:42:22,520 --> 00:42:27,040 We can't force anyone else to be on time, so I would love to know 795 00:42:27,040 --> 00:42:30,320 how this is affecting you. Is it affecting you because 796 00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:32,360 you're there and you're embarrassed that you're there 797 00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:35,600 without your stepson? Are you to set a boundary to 798 00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:39,000 protect your stepson so that he can get all the practice, he can 799 00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:41,240 show up to the game and get on the roster and do all the 800 00:42:41,240 --> 00:42:43,440 things? Or is it something like you're 801 00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:46,640 late now, you're causing me to be late to something else or, or 802 00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:49,000 whatever you can. You can always set a boundary. 803 00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:51,760 If you are late, then I will not need you. 804 00:42:52,040 --> 00:42:56,240 If you are late, then I will stop going to games because it 805 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:59,360 makes me resentful to see you constantly show up late. 806 00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:01,080 You can always set those boundaries. 807 00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:04,280 I think you always need to recognize the things that are 808 00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:06,880 frustrating you and figure out a way to keep them from 809 00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:09,960 frustrating you. So it may be better for you to 810 00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:12,840 say, I'm not going to practice. I'm not going to games. 811 00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:16,920 Instead, I am going to take a bath and read my book during 812 00:43:16,920 --> 00:43:19,160 that time and then when my stepson gets home. 813 00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:21,680 But I want to hear all about your game. 814 00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:24,880 Tell me, Oh my goodness, I heard you had a really great hit. 815 00:43:25,120 --> 00:43:27,960 I want to hear all about it. You can still show up really 816 00:43:27,960 --> 00:43:30,760 well for your stepson while protecting your piece when we 817 00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:32,480 can't for somebody else to show up. 818 00:43:32,480 --> 00:43:37,120 I have direct experience with this as we were court ordered to 819 00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:43,160 get into some sports. It's not terrible so parents bio 820 00:43:43,160 --> 00:43:46,400 parents have to work together and go to sports and everything. 821 00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:50,600 It was just so toxic and we passed that this is something I 822 00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:54,960 said no to and I'm not Co ordered to go, but the parents 823 00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:57,800 have to work together to do it. And it's just something that is 824 00:43:58,680 --> 00:44:00,960 not that's that's a boundary for me. 825 00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:04,800 I, you know, changing my mind on this in my current situation, 826 00:44:05,080 --> 00:44:10,960 it's way too much and I can't then show up for my children 827 00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:15,640 when I come home. But yeah, I say like, Daddy sent 828 00:44:15,640 --> 00:44:17,520 me videos. I like this. 829 00:44:17,520 --> 00:44:19,360 You know, right now they're doing basketball. 830 00:44:20,080 --> 00:44:21,680 I got to talk with them about that. 831 00:44:21,680 --> 00:44:24,920 I bought them those indoor silent basketballs, which are 832 00:44:24,920 --> 00:44:27,560 amazing, life changing little plug. 833 00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:30,160 And you don't like get a code for moms. 834 00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:33,600 But you know, yeah, I'm take I'm finding ways to show interest. 835 00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:36,400 And we did basketball and trampoline here. 836 00:44:36,400 --> 00:44:39,200 It's like different ways to get involved and make sure that they 837 00:44:39,200 --> 00:44:40,600 know I'm still here and I'm interested. 838 00:44:40,600 --> 00:44:44,640 And not to like, blame my kids. I had to stay home with my kids, 839 00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:47,160 but I just kind of use that as an excuse. 840 00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:51,000 So they I didn't talk bad and say I'm not going because of 841 00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:54,240 your mom. But that's the honest truth of 842 00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:58,120 like, it's too toxic and I can't be buried in the same spaces or 843 00:44:58,520 --> 00:45:00,440 I think that's the. Perfect example. 844 00:45:00,440 --> 00:45:02,480 We got the silent basketball. We played basketball in the 845 00:45:02,480 --> 00:45:04,560 trampoline and I didn't go to the game. 846 00:45:04,920 --> 00:45:05,600 I think it's. Perfect. 847 00:45:05,640 --> 00:45:09,800 OK, one more listener question. I'm not sure if this is directly 848 00:45:09,840 --> 00:45:12,000 a boundary related because I'm not sure how you would set a 849 00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:15,680 boundary on this. However, this was a few this was 850 00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:19,440 so a few questions. How do you handle bio mom 851 00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:25,400 talking badly about you, the stepmom to the step kids? 852 00:45:25,400 --> 00:45:27,440 What advice would you give those stepmoms? 853 00:45:27,920 --> 00:45:30,560 I'm listening. I really struggle with this 854 00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:33,120 because it's something that you don't have a lot of control 855 00:45:33,120 --> 00:45:35,160 over. If it's in your court order and 856 00:45:35,160 --> 00:45:38,440 usually in high conflict situations, it is that you can't 857 00:45:38,440 --> 00:45:41,680 badmouth each other. You can encourage your partner 858 00:45:41,680 --> 00:45:43,600 to remind the other parent of it. 859 00:45:43,680 --> 00:45:47,040 It's not typically something that's really enforceable, but 860 00:45:47,040 --> 00:45:50,440 what I can control, it's not a boundary, but what I, I guess 861 00:45:50,440 --> 00:45:52,480 you could set a boundary around. I don't want to hear it. 862 00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:56,280 If you tell me something your mom said that I will walk away 863 00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:58,200 because that's not helpful for me to hear that. 864 00:45:58,200 --> 00:45:59,840 That's maybe a boundary you can set. 865 00:45:59,840 --> 00:46:02,480 Like, I don't want to hear it, but one of the best things you 866 00:46:02,480 --> 00:46:06,320 can do to start taking back some control in this situation, which 867 00:46:06,320 --> 00:46:10,880 boundaries are really about control, is say your mom said 868 00:46:10,880 --> 00:46:12,480 that about me. Well, how did that make you 869 00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:15,360 feel? Do you have that same experience 870 00:46:15,360 --> 00:46:17,560 with me that you think I'm a liar? 871 00:46:17,840 --> 00:46:20,640 Wow, I'm really sorry that you heard that. 872 00:46:20,640 --> 00:46:22,440 That must have been really hard to hear. 873 00:46:22,560 --> 00:46:25,080 If they're older, you start asking some critical thinking 874 00:46:25,080 --> 00:46:27,280 questions. Is that your same experience 875 00:46:27,280 --> 00:46:29,240 with me? Get them to come to their own 876 00:46:29,240 --> 00:46:31,640 conclusion. So it's not a she said she said 877 00:46:31,640 --> 00:46:34,000 situation. And then I I would just say, 878 00:46:34,040 --> 00:46:35,880 yeah, I bet that. But that was really hard to 879 00:46:35,880 --> 00:46:37,040 hear. And I'm really sorry you had to 880 00:46:37,040 --> 00:46:41,240 do that because we can empower them in that situation in the 881 00:46:41,240 --> 00:46:45,240 other home to start standing up in themselves if they express 882 00:46:45,240 --> 00:46:48,560 interest and they want some scripts to be able to say, you 883 00:46:48,560 --> 00:46:49,920 know what, Mom? I don't want to hear you talk 884 00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:53,080 not poorly about my stepmom or my other parent, my dad, 885 00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:55,560 whomever. We can give them some of those 886 00:46:55,560 --> 00:46:58,240 words if they're ready for it. I don't think we have to 887 00:46:58,240 --> 00:47:00,400 volunteer it until they're ready though. 888 00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:05,720 I love that advice. No, that that that's helpful for 889 00:47:05,720 --> 00:47:07,000 me as well. So thank you. 890 00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:09,960 OK, well, thank you so much. I know that's probably all the 891 00:47:09,960 --> 00:47:14,040 time we have today, but before we wrap it up, where can 892 00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:17,160 listeners connect with you and learn more about your work? 893 00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:19,760 Give your your Instagram handle all that good. 894 00:47:19,760 --> 00:47:30,880 Stuffyesyoucanfindsomanyresources@stepmoming.com STEPMOMMINGI have a podcast 895 00:47:30,880 --> 00:47:34,640 named Stepmoming Made Easy. We are about to launch season 4. 896 00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:38,320 I have a book just released by the same name, Stepmoming Made 897 00:47:38,320 --> 00:47:40,000 Easy. You can find it pretty much 898 00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:42,080 anywhere. Barnes and Noble Amazon Indigo 899 00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:44,720 in Canada just look for it, you'll find it. 900 00:47:45,240 --> 00:47:48,920 My Instagram is also at stepmoming and I'm most active 901 00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:52,960 there than anywhere else, but my life's mission is to help 902 00:47:52,960 --> 00:47:57,560 stepmoms not feel as alone and defeated as I felt in my first 903 00:47:57,560 --> 00:48:01,320 couple of years as a stepmom. And I am here to help in any way 904 00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:05,040 that I can and I, I appreciate the opportunity Just to love on 905 00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:07,120 your audience a little bit. Thank you so much. 906 00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:10,720 We learned so much today and I'm sure the listeners will feel the 907 00:48:10,720 --> 00:48:13,400 same. So thank you again and we'll 908 00:48:13,400 --> 00:48:15,920 talk soon. That's it for this week on 909 00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:18,880 Stepmom Side Chats. We're Alyssa and Becca, your 910 00:48:18,880 --> 00:48:22,760 stepmom besties before you go. If something we said hit a 911 00:48:22,760 --> 00:48:25,280 little close to home, go ahead and hit. 912 00:48:25,280 --> 00:48:29,040 Follow now so you don't miss future episodes and share with 913 00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:32,160 another stepmom to help us grow. If you want to connect between 914 00:48:32,160 --> 00:48:35,880 episodes, follow us on Instagram at Stepmomsidechats and send us 915 00:48:35,880 --> 00:48:37,240 what you want us to chat about next. 916 00:48:37,640 --> 00:48:39,760 Keep giving yourself grace, you're doing better than you 917 00:48:39,760 --> 00:48:41,680 think. We'll chat with you all soon.