1
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,640
Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom
side Chats. 

2
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:11,240
We are your hosts, Alyssa and 
Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. 

3
00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,720
Who are done pretending 
everything's perfect. 

4
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,160
This is where we talk 
boundaries, PO parenting, hard 

5
00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,360
truths, healing, and the stuff 
nobody says out loud. 

6
00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,240
If you're ready for real talk, 
real growth and a little bit of.

7
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:27,520
Spice, Let's get into it. 
Hey everyone, we are back. 

8
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:29,960
Back again. 
Apparently Becca and I have more

9
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:35,120
to say, but this week we're very
excited because we have a 

10
00:00:35,120 --> 00:00:39,680
special guest and I think he 
should just speak for himself. 

11
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:43,960
This has a lot of depth. 
This guest has a lot of 

12
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,520
knowledge and a lot of 
background in a different area 

13
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:50,240
of the stepmom arena. 
Go ahead and introduce yourself.

14
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:54,680
Welcome to our podcast studio. 
Yeah, thank you for having me. 

15
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:58,120
My name is Jay Skibbons. 
I am a Co parent, coach and 

16
00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:01,880
consultant. 
So really what I do is I help 

17
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:03,280
with the emotional side of 
things. 

18
00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,920
What I find is that there's a 
lot of legal help, there's a lot

19
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:09,840
of even therapy help. 
But what people get stuck on is 

20
00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:12,600
like how do I manage my 
day-to-day emotions and 

21
00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:14,400
triggers? 
So that's where I come in and 

22
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,960
help with that emotional 
regulation and nervous system 

23
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:21,320
reset, which pretty much 
everybody in the entire Co 

24
00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:22,800
parenting process needs help 
with. 

25
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:26,000
Yeah, let me just tell you, we 
have our membership too, which 

26
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,680
is kind of a sidebar. 
But a lot of what we're doing 

27
00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:32,520
with our one on ones with those 
stepmoms is like helping them 

28
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:35,360
regulate and even just like 
grounding themselves so that 

29
00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:38,680
they can regulate. 
But OK, tell us first just a 

30
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,600
little bit of your background, 
how you got into this, where, 

31
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,600
how did this all come about and 
give us a little bit of the the 

32
00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:46,040
nitty. 
Gritty that we like to hear 

33
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:49,560
yeah, no. 
So work wise, it happened. 

34
00:01:49,560 --> 00:01:53,320
I was a teacher and like funny 
enough, I was a 6th grade 

35
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,640
teacher at the school that I 
went to. 

36
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:57,640
So I really thought that that 
was going to make this whole 

37
00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:01,560
prodigal son returning and I was
going to be a principal and I 

38
00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,360
had this whole trajectory lined 
up. 

39
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:06,400
But I did not last in that 
system. 

40
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:11,480
Like I came in with too much of 
A disruptive nature and they 

41
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,200
chewed me up and spit me out 
pretty fast. 

42
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:16,320
I understood the kids. 
I didn't get the adult side of 

43
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,120
things very well. 
And that was right before the 

44
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,600
pandemic hit. 
And during the pandemic, we all 

45
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,440
listened to a lot of podcasts. 
Yeah. 

46
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,720
Like we listened to, there's a 
lot of podcasts eliciting going 

47
00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,440
on. 
And it was also like when 

48
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:31,320
Facebook was like, you couldn't 
post any sort of opinion without

49
00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:32,640
somebody jumping down your 
throat. 

50
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:37,480
So what I really got interested 
in was I would just ask 

51
00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:41,000
open-ended questions, like, 
like, tell me about the first 

52
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,720
memory you have or like, what 
was your relationship like with 

53
00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:46,560
your dad? 
And people really, really liked 

54
00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:48,000
it. 
And like, really, really would 

55
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,440
flock to my page. 
Like, so much so that there was 

56
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:54,200
like, one day I didn't post a 
question and somebody posted on 

57
00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,520
the previous day, like, is there
anybody just waiting for this 

58
00:02:56,520 --> 00:03:00,040
guy to ask us a question? 
And I was like, OK, So like, 

59
00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:03,880
people really do like, curiosity
can get me pretty far. 

60
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,560
So you know. 
You made it, I think. 

61
00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:09,720
Yeah, when you get that kind of 
engagement. 

62
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,480
Where did he go? 
Yeah, yeah. 

63
00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:15,920
So it was because I'm always a 
curious person, so that so I 

64
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,320
reached out to a couple of 
relationship coaches and kind of

65
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:23,200
asked how they got started. 
One of them put me onto a 

66
00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:27,600
certification program. 
And then I was really like 

67
00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:30,000
between like parenting and 
relationships. 

68
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:34,240
I started posting on Instagram 
and then like 8 months of 

69
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:37,520
posting about parenting, I 
started talking about Co 

70
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,920
parenting and it was like as 
soon as I said the word Co 

71
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:42,840
parenting, people were like what
does this guy say? 

72
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,760
Like it was overnight that it 
was clear that there wasn't 

73
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,880
really a voice like mine in the 
Co parenting world. 

74
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,760
That's really like it was like 
from September of 2021. 

75
00:03:55,080 --> 00:04:00,200
I left my job like January 2022.
It was that fast. 

76
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:04,680
Wow, OK, yes, I'm so excited to 
hear from you because like you 

77
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:08,680
said, there's not a lot of 
people that are like you in this

78
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:11,080
space. 
I see a lot of women, which you 

79
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:15,440
know, nothing against them, but 
is very interesting to hear from

80
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:19,839
a male perspective, you know, 
the challenges of Co parenting. 

81
00:04:19,839 --> 00:04:23,440
So before we get really into 
today's topic, can you share a 

82
00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:26,640
little bit about your Co 
parenting journey, your kids, 

83
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:28,840
whatever you would like to share
and feel comfortable sharing 

84
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:32,840
with us today? 
Yeah, and it I, this is part of 

85
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:37,320
my character arc or or you know,
hero journey. 

86
00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,640
Me and my Co parents were never 
married. 

87
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:44,800
We were friends with benefits or
what like that was it's like for

88
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,720
those of you who like know about
childhood wounds, a lot of our 

89
00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:51,960
wounds were around feeling 
chosen and we were trying to get

90
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:56,320
where we wanted through sex and 
in our in our own ways. 

91
00:04:56,400 --> 00:05:01,800
And we ended up with two kids 
and like it was messy like that 

92
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:06,760
is the shortest possible way to 
explain it, but it is like there

93
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:10,240
was manipulation on both sides, 
lying on both sides. 

94
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:15,080
It was just really I like messy 
better than toxic because I 

95
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:18,320
think that we both just we were 
both pretty hurt, like we were 

96
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:19,760
playing and without realizing 
it, right. 

97
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:25,480
And but then it turns out that 
through and asking a lot more 

98
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:30,680
questions and then do my own 
investigation that my children 

99
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:33,440
aren't biologically mine and I 
didn't find that out. 

100
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:35,080
And what? 
Yeah. 

101
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:36,720
What? 
Pause. 

102
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:38,720
Pause. 
I didn't know this. 

103
00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:41,040
OK, keep going. 
This is good. 

104
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:45,440
Right, so I found out when my 
older 1 was like 2 1/2 and the 

105
00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:47,160
younger one was a little over a 
year. 

106
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:51,320
So I was dad, you know, and I 
think that this is where like so

107
00:05:51,320 --> 00:05:53,000
much of my life, like I grew up 
with a single mom. 

108
00:05:53,040 --> 00:05:54,800
I don't, I don't know my dad at 
all. 

109
00:05:54,840 --> 00:05:57,880
I was wanted to be a dad. 
So like I came into fatherhood 

110
00:05:57,880 --> 00:06:00,280
like I came in prepared. 
Like I came in, I had worked 

111
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:02,240
with kids before. 
I'd worked in daycares. 

112
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,160
It was like finally like I'd 
gotten my own. 

113
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,160
I'd worked in daycares for like 
5 years and I finally had my own

114
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,520
kids. 
Like I didn't, I wasn't scared 

115
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:10,800
of anything. 
I think that was actually kind 

116
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,240
of scary for her, to be 
completely honest, because like 

117
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:17,360
she had kids already. 
And I like, I think that a lot 

118
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:21,720
of moms have a layer of 
confidence from like being more 

119
00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:25,200
confident than the dad, like 
having more like natural 

120
00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:28,760
tendencies than the dad. 
And I'm there like I am not 

121
00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:31,160
scared to swaddle. 
I'm not like I there's nothing 

122
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,480
that I'm not going to do right. 
A dad that. 

123
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:38,560
Swaddles that, What's up? 
A dad that swaddles. 

124
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,280
I know. 
That's so cool. 

125
00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,880
What the interesting thing is 
I've worked with dads before and

126
00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:51,400
there is sometimes a real layer 
of like hesitancy to to do those

127
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,240
things. 
And I just had zero of that. 

128
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,640
And I didn't realize that that 
was different or special until I

129
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,680
worked with more dads and heard 
their experiences around like 

130
00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:01,760
the newborn phase. 
But yeah, when when I found out 

131
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:05,320
the boys weren't mine, I had 
done adna test on my own like 

132
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:07,840
without her knowing because we 
were already Co parenting at 

133
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,400
that point. 
So it really just like shattered

134
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:13,120
my reality. 
And I think that that's part of 

135
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,800
what I bring to the table as far
as a coach goes. 

136
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:20,360
Like, so I coach primarily moms.
A lot of them come to me. 

137
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:23,600
And it's like I had tried to 
keep our lives together. 

138
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:28,560
I tried to, you know, keep the 
facade up, really. 

139
00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:30,680
And then finally, we've hit a 
breaking point. 

140
00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:32,320
And, you know, I couldn't do it 
anymore. 

141
00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:36,280
We get divorced, and their 
identity is just shook to the 

142
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,080
core. 
And so to me, it's like I 

143
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:43,080
learned how to rebuild this 
identity that like no longer was

144
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:46,440
biologically tied, right? 
Like everybody kind of thinks 

145
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:50,320
parents are biological and like 
not everybody, but you know, the

146
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:51,720
majority. 
That's how I came into it. 

147
00:07:52,360 --> 00:07:56,800
So finding that out, I would 
mean I was angry. 

148
00:07:56,800 --> 00:08:01,320
I was, I was angry, I was hurt, 
heartbroken. 

149
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:07,560
And I will say like I, I, I 
carried that resentment for a 

150
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,400
couple of years. 
Like we would still Co parent. 

151
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:14,160
I didn't really shake whether I 
wanted to be there for the kids.

152
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:16,280
But for a while she was dead to 
me. 

153
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:20,400
Like she was just. 
I did not care how she felt and 

154
00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:23,680
that only motivated me for a 
while. 

155
00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:28,160
But then you know, the journey a
couple of years it, I think the 

156
00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,520
resentment got really heavy to 
keep carrying and that's like 

157
00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:31,800
really when things started to 
change. 

158
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,240
OK, quick question because I 
know all the listeners are 

159
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:37,480
thinking this. 
What made you do Adna test? 

160
00:08:37,679 --> 00:08:41,720
Did you have a hunch? 
Was she acting weird and was was

161
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:44,800
her telling you that the kids 
are yours? 

162
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:48,880
Is that like a manipulation 
tactic to keep you around or was

163
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:50,880
that she really thought that 
they were yours? 

164
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:54,520
So I really appreciate that last
question because I think that 

165
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:58,960
one thing that I always do is I 
want to hear more than like when

166
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:02,480
somebody says the word abuse or 
manipulation or narcissist, I'm 

167
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,920
like, OK, but tell me more. 
Like tell me about the 

168
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:08,880
characteristics or the behaviors
because so many people say abuse

169
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:12,120
and then we just write off the 
abuser like there's no other 

170
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:13,880
questions needed. 
That person's dead. 

171
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,760
But OK. 
So like what really happened? 

172
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,200
Like I said, like I really feel 
like we were bullying. 

173
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:23,320
I feel like I was using sex to 
feel chosen, feel wanted, feel 

174
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,240
validated. 
I think that she was using sex 

175
00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:31,240
to get housewife home life like 
get what she wanted in life. 

176
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,600
I think sometimes we can 
manipulate people 

177
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:36,120
subconsciously, right? 
Right. 

178
00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:37,880
I think it kind of sounds like 
that. 

179
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,280
It's not like, oh, she was 
thinking, I'm going to 

180
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,960
manipulate. 
Him I don't think this was like 

181
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:46,560
this wasn't premeditated 
manipulation, because I think 

182
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:50,680
that people pleasers manipulate,
you know, and it do they are 

183
00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:56,040
they are they malicious? 
No, but is it so ingrained in 

184
00:09:56,040 --> 00:10:00,040
them that that what they want 
isn't naturally going to come to

185
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:03,240
them because they deserve it? 
Yes, and I feel like when we 

186
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:06,840
don't think that we deserve what
we actually want, we manipulate 

187
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,280
to try to get it. 
A lot of it came down to like in

188
00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:12,440
the to anybody who like really 
wants the story. 

189
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:14,640
I have done podcasts where I 
really go through the whole 

190
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:19,880
story, but it's we, we, there 
was a third child and we went 

191
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:24,680
through the whole pregnancy and 
at certain points there was a, 

192
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,120
you know, she had told me that 
her tubes were tied before that.

193
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:29,680
And then it really got to the 
point where I was like the next 

194
00:10:29,680 --> 00:10:33,840
doctor's appointment we go to, 
I'm going to ask them how this 

195
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:38,440
happened. 
And she was like, well, after 

196
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:41,280
like months of saying that she 
had had her tubes tied, it was, 

197
00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:43,040
she admitted that she lied about
that. 

198
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:48,720
And once that, like once that 
lie was confirmed, it really 

199
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:52,600
just was like anything else is 
on the table to be have been 

200
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,280
lied about. 
So, so I just really, I, I did 

201
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:56,800
it on my own without her 
knowing. 

202
00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:58,400
So it wasn't like she sat me 
down and told me. 

203
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,440
It was like I sat her down and 
told her that I found out. 

204
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:05,800
Wow, that's a lot. 
Well, it sounds like with that 

205
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,880
history, it came a lot of 
knowledge that you have now that

206
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,800
you put into your Co parent 
coaching business. 

207
00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:14,760
So really excited to hear a bit 
a little bit more about this. 

208
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:18,480
From what we've experienced and 
talked to other stepmoms about, 

209
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,760
it seems like sometimes when 
people begin Co parenting, 

210
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:26,680
sometimes they still are 
emotionally married to one 

211
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:29,400
another. 
So can you tell me maybe a 

212
00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:32,760
little bit more about that, what
you see in, you know, 

213
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:36,240
conversations with your clients 
about what actual Co parenting 

214
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:39,320
is and when you're still kind of
emotionally married to that 

215
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:43,160
person and how that kind of 
affects the whole journey? 

216
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,440
No, I appreciate that. 
That's A and that's a good way 

217
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,840
to think about it, like still 
being emotionally married. 

218
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,120
I feel like the way I would see 
it is that they're still so 

219
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:58,320
stuck in their habits and their 
patterns and their conditioning.

220
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:01,960
And I feel like, you know, the 
moms I work with tend to be on 

221
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:05,400
the people pleasing side. 
So a lot of them have a hard 

222
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,960
time letting go of control. 
They have a hard time, you know,

223
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,240
even seeing the dad with 
somebody new. 

224
00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:15,920
So they get protective and they 
get to a point where it can be 

225
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:21,000
hard to know who they themselves
are without staying in the role 

226
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,440
they had been in, which was to 
do everything mom. 

227
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:29,360
And so to me, what I see is that
when the mom is like that, like 

228
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:33,440
the dad will use that to his 
advantage when it works. 

229
00:12:33,440 --> 00:12:36,360
Think about it, if you were a 
dad who had the kids every other

230
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,680
weekend and the mom was taking 
care of everything, that's a 

231
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:42,800
hard thing to be like, Nope. 
Like I'm going to do more. 

232
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,680
I'm going to take, you know, I'm
going to motivate myself to 

233
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:51,080
become better without reason. 
And then what I find is that 

234
00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:55,200
that guy can find somebody new 
and want to do better for that 

235
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:59,200
person, which does change the 
dynamic of the situation. 

236
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:05,440
But sometimes men have a really 
hard time of understanding how 

237
00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:09,600
their actions impact women, so 
they don't have the emotional 

238
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:13,320
bandwidth to be like, I can 
understand how my current 

239
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:18,400
girlfriend wife wants me to act 
towards her and my ex-wife still

240
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:20,640
has expectations that she's 
carrying. 

241
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:24,400
I'm going to make some people 
upset and I've got a captain us 

242
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,360
through this. 
I think that a lot of men really

243
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,800
struggle with that. 
Yeah, this is not an episode for

244
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,720
the spouses. 
All the men are going to be 

245
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:35,960
like, wow. 
No, I think that that is 

246
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:39,920
completely accurate and as head 
on for a lot of the issues that 

247
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:43,440
our stepmoms in the community 
bring up to us. 

248
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:47,240
And we see a lot of those like 
marriage and tactic issues 

249
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:50,760
because the husband may have 
like brought on these issues for

250
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:54,160
the stepmom because he has this 
past with another woman. 

251
00:13:54,160 --> 00:13:56,720
Then he has these kids that come
over from this other person's 

252
00:13:56,720 --> 00:14:00,040
house that maybe we shouldn't 
have had to ever have in our 

253
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,080
life. 
And we're having to plan our 

254
00:14:02,080 --> 00:14:03,640
trips around someone else's 
schedule. 

255
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,240
So yeah, we do build that 
resentment too that we talked 

256
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,640
about earlier with our husbands 
because we're maybe worried 

257
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,360
about what's the other house 
going to think, you know, what's

258
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,600
going to come into our house 
this week with transition day. 

259
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:20,720
And so that being said that I 
wanted to ask about respectful 

260
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:25,680
communication kind of shifting 
into like when a new partner 

261
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:29,480
comes into the picture, which 
all the stepmoms are, and maybe 

262
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:33,600
somewhere where the new partner.
But in most of our cases, 

263
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:37,160
believe it or not, which is what
I've had to like combat some of 

264
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:41,440
the trolls on Instagram about is
that it actually isn't always 

265
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:45,960
the man that leaves because so 
many haters are like, well, you 

266
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,040
did this to yourself. 
And it's like, oh, no, trust me,

267
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:51,760
I met my husband when he was 
going through his divorce. 

268
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:56,480
So it actually isn't always 
we're not always the evil person

269
00:14:56,480 --> 00:15:00,560
that broke a family. 
But so I understand like there 

270
00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:04,280
is a level of respect for the 
bio moms that because we know 

271
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:07,920
that it is hard to see someone 
come in and take over that role 

272
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,640
and, you know, care for your 
kids and they don't get that 

273
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,960
control of telling us what to do
in our house. 

274
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,920
So my question, Long story 
short, what does respectful 

275
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,280
communication look like when 
there's a new partner in the 

276
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,720
picture? 
So, and I, what I love about 

277
00:15:22,720 --> 00:15:26,400
what you just said is that you 
probably unwittingly talked 

278
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:30,120
about how it feels. 
And So what I find over and over

279
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,240
again is that that gets 
communicated a lot. 

280
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:36,960
Like the feelings get 
communicated and the unresolved 

281
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,680
feelings. 
And what I, you know, what we 

282
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:42,200
talked about in my programs are 
that your unresolved uncooked 

283
00:15:42,280 --> 00:15:45,800
emotions are raw hamburger. 
And if you're, if you don't 

284
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,720
process your emotions, you give 
them to somebody else and 

285
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:50,840
they're uncooked, it's like 
giving them raw hamburger and 

286
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:54,760
then they'll eat it, they'll get
sick and then they'll spew it 

287
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,440
back at you. 
So what I find more often than 

288
00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,080
not is that there's a lot more 
communication that needs to 

289
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,720
happen internally before you say
anything out loud. 

290
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:06,640
There's a like, even, again, 
probably not on purpose, there's

291
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:10,000
a lot of assumptions that get 
tossed around. 

292
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,680
So one of the first things I 
help my clients understand is 

293
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,280
like dropping your assumptions 
about how they're going to 

294
00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,720
react, what they're going to 
say, like what they're thinking.

295
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:23,760
You need to start like start by 
dropping your assumptions and 

296
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:27,320
then the next biggest thing is 
like, what are you actually 

297
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,200
wanting to get out of this 
communication? 

298
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:33,080
So many people start a 
conversation or text and they 

299
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,360
haven't stopped and been like, 
what do I actually want here? 

300
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:40,480
And most of the time you want 
respect or you want 

301
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:43,480
acknowledgement or you want 
validation. 

302
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:47,480
But if you don't know what 
you're actually after, then if 

303
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:50,400
you don't get it, you're 
frustrated and then you carry 

304
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:54,040
that with you. 
So what I find is that a lot 

305
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:57,600
more of the communication that 
like my my clients end up 

306
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:01,320
communicating a lot less by the 
time we're done working together

307
00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:04,280
because there's a lot less that 
you actually need to say when 

308
00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:09,640
you're Co parenting. 
Stepmoms, how are you coping 

309
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:12,200
with transition day? 
I'll tell you how I am. 

310
00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:17,119
I'm lighting my big ass candles 
to calm my big ass anxieties and

311
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:19,599
honestly it changes the whole 
mood of the house. 

312
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,319
Same chaos, just calmer vibes 
and way better energy. 

313
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:27,319
We're obsessed with big ass 
candles from big ass luxuries. 

314
00:17:27,599 --> 00:17:31,640
Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. 
If you want to try one, use code

315
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,800
stepmom at checkout for a 
discount. 

316
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:39,120
That's code stepmom at checkout,
big ass candles because stepmom 

317
00:17:39,120 --> 00:17:41,200
life comes with big ass 
feelings. 

318
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,360
This is so valid. 
This is so accurate and very 

319
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:53,120
validating. 
I was just talking on like 

320
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:57,360
importance versus impact because
and we have a parent coach 

321
00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,240
involved in our situation and 
she said, you know, these 

322
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,800
conversations are business 
emails or business texts. 

323
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,840
This is a Co parent and it's a 
business partner. 

324
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:10,320
Nothing else needs to be said. 
Take out, remove the feelings 

325
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,080
from the conversation. 
And when you do remove that, a 

326
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:16,280
lot of the drama gets left out 
and then the conversations get 

327
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:19,280
so much shorter. 
And it's so nice, but it's hard 

328
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:21,440
to get there, as I'm sure you're
aware. 

329
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:23,840
Yeah. 
And I'll just say quickly, like 

330
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:27,440
what replaces that is trust, 
because when you're 

331
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,640
communicating that much, there's
a lot more you want in control. 

332
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,960
Like everybody who's entering 
into a Co parenting situation, 

333
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:38,960
whether it's bio mom, stepmom, 
bio dad, stepdad, there's a lot 

334
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:42,280
of uncertainty and there's rules
are uncertain. 

335
00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:45,760
You know, the things that you 
need to do or say, how do I act?

336
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,680
There's a lot of uncertainty and
that brings up a lot of fear. 

337
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:52,720
And it's human nature to want 
control when we're in those 

338
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:55,840
situations. 
So to me, the opposite of 

339
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:59,280
control is trust. 
And if you can start to trust 

340
00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:02,320
yourself that you can handle 
things, you learn how to trust 

341
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,040
that they can handle things. 
And then you don't have to have 

342
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:10,160
everything like so ironclad so 
decided because I feel like most

343
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,440
of the time when people end up 
with these like super strict 

344
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:20,320
parenting plans then any 
deviation gets pinged as why Co 

345
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:23,040
parenting isn't working. 
And to me that just causes a lot

346
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:24,720
of stress and conflict. 
Definitely. 

347
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:29,080
I wanted to hear if maybe you've
ever experienced with some of 

348
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:33,320
your clients where the stepmom 
and the bio mom are the primary 

349
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,840
communicators and kind of 
leaving dad out. 

350
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:39,160
I just kind of am interested to 
hear your perspective on that, 

351
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:43,840
if you think that is healthy, 
long term, sustainable, anything

352
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,640
that you could you know give us 
insight too on that? 

353
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:51,000
Yeah, I, I, I, I laugh a little 
bit because IA lot of moms that 

354
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,680
I work with don't like that. 
Like especially at the 

355
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,760
beginning. 
And because when we get under 

356
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,240
the root of that, there is a lot
of fear of being replaced. 

357
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:03,680
There is a lot of fear that this
new person is taking over is 

358
00:20:03,880 --> 00:20:07,920
providing things that maybe the 
mom can't also in some cases, 

359
00:20:07,920 --> 00:20:10,520
like getting to live the life 
that they were wanting to live. 

360
00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:13,840
So there there can be some 
emotions from the bio mom. 

361
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,880
But what I often find, and like,
I still haven't found very many 

362
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:21,000
cases at all that this isn't 
true. 

363
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,320
Those two women end up having a 
lot in common. 

364
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,760
I mean, they attracted the same 
man, so there's a lot that they 

365
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,520
have in common. 
They probably communicate much 

366
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:33,200
better than the man does. 
They're probably more organized.

367
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,760
They're probably like the reason
she went from woman A to woman 

368
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,840
B. 
He didn't get better at 

369
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:41,400
organizing activities. 
He didn't get better at planning

370
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,320
out his calendar. 
So why would he be in charge of 

371
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:47,080
doing those things? 
So to me, what I work on with 

372
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:52,640
the bio moms is a lot more of 
like trusting herself, being 

373
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:56,960
sure of her own identity so that
this new woman isn't a threat. 

374
00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:03,160
Because more often than not, she
it isn't like the trouble isn't 

375
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,840
that it's this woman, it's that 
this is the replacement or this 

376
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:09,560
is the, you know, sometimes it's
the affair partner. 

377
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:14,360
Sometimes it's just a regular 
meat and they were dating, but 

378
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,680
to me it's like, I don't think 
there's never been a time where 

379
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,440
I'm like, oh, you guys shouldn't
be doing that. 

380
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:22,400
Interesting. 
Yeah, no, I just wanted to hear 

381
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,520
like your perspective on that, 
if you think that that is, you 

382
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:28,640
know, healthy. 
Because in my personal life, 

383
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:34,640
sometimes I have found that my 
husband and bio mom that I 

384
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:38,000
actually do have a fairly good 
relationship with, it's easier 

385
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:41,560
for myself and bio mom to 
communicate on things sometimes.

386
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,520
Of course that goes in ebbs and 
flow, as we all know, Co 

387
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:47,920
parenting relationships evolve 
as kids get older and different,

388
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,800
you know, milestones happen. 
But I was just kind of was, you 

389
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:54,880
know, interested in hearing your
perspective on that and if you 

390
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:58,920
think that it's healthier for 
bio dad and bio mom just to 

391
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:02,560
communicate and keep stepmom out
of it or just what your thoughts

392
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:05,480
were on that. 
But based on, you know, your 

393
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:09,880
work with, you know, primarily 
bio moms or you know, moms in 

394
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:13,520
general, what are some of like 
the behaviors that you think 

395
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:17,040
from stepmom moms that might 
trigger defensiveness in these 

396
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,640
moms? 
Because Alyssa and I, you know, 

397
00:22:19,840 --> 00:22:22,920
we have different situations, 
but we've had, you know, 

398
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:26,920
challenges with bio moms, 
obviously, as all stepmoms 

399
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:30,440
probably do. 
But we want to obviously make 

400
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:34,080
this the best type of 
relationship and blended family 

401
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:38,840
that we possibly can and have 
the kids thrive because we see 

402
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:42,400
how the kids are are affected. 
So what are some things? 

403
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:46,320
Once again, behaviors from us 
stepmoms put us in our place, 

404
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:50,520
Jay, that maybe we can help when
it comes to this. 

405
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:55,520
This is like a help, help us 
help you or help you, you help 

406
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:59,240
us help us. 
Like if this is we, let me just 

407
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,840
put it this way, most of the 
stepmoms that we're hearing 

408
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:06,560
from, they say that bio mom is 
not taking any help that she's 

409
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,720
getting. 
So Co parenting classes, Co 

410
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:13,400
parenting coach, family therapy 
and bio mom doesn't change like 

411
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:17,200
she puts a front on in these. 
And so we're like, that's fine, 

412
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,760
whatever, you know, it'll happen
when it happens. 

413
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:22,520
What can we do right now to save
the situation? 

414
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,160
Save the Children from crazy, 
you know? 

415
00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:29,720
No, I appreciate how you guys 
worded those questions because 

416
00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:34,640
to me, there's so many things I 
teach and I believe in and I see

417
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:39,000
working sometimes run counter to
what is just shoved down 

418
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:41,360
people's throats. 
And what I mean by that is like 

419
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:44,360
when you, when everybody is 
trying to do what's best for the

420
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:48,400
kids, the more I can ask a 
couple of questions and find out

421
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,960
this, the adults, like the 
adults are really wanting what's

422
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:55,160
best for them. 
And not always in a selfish way,

423
00:23:55,440 --> 00:24:00,120
but in a lot of times to avoid 
discomfort, like parents don't 

424
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:03,680
want to deal with the emotions 
that come with Co parenting 

425
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,240
because it does bring up a lot 
of inner wounds. 

426
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,000
It brings up a lot of 
defensiveness. 

427
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,880
You have to face conflict. 
You have to make decisions where

428
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:12,960
the other person's not going to 
be happy with you. 

429
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:16,320
So people pleasers, this is hell
for people pleasers. 

430
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,920
OK, Most women fall into the 
people pleasing category. 

431
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:23,400
So what I am asking for from 
everybody in this situation, 

432
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:27,000
moms, stepmoms, dads, everybody 
is to take accountability. 

433
00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:31,800
And what I talked about with the
raw hamburger idea, it's that if

434
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:35,320
everybody would spend 15 minutes
journaling out their emotions 

435
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:39,120
every day and being like, you 
know, today, I felt like this 

436
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:45,120
was so unfair that I had to stay
at home and dad and bio mom took

437
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:49,240
Susan to the whatever that 
sucks. 

438
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:52,400
I don't like that. 
If that individual stepmom can 

439
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:56,040
process her own emotions, can 
sit with her own emotions so 

440
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:59,360
that she gets clarity. 
What I see over and over again 

441
00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:02,880
with my clients is that they 
come in and they've created a 

442
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,920
life to avoid triggers. 
They've created a life to avoid 

443
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:07,880
their emotions. 
And I know that happens with 

444
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:09,400
dads. 
I know that happens with 

445
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,320
stepmoms. 
You try to create a life, 

446
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,040
they're so great, the kids are 
great, everything's great. 

447
00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:17,360
And then what do you do when 
there's conflict? 

448
00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:19,400
What do you do when you're 
triggered? 

449
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:24,000
That's what I help with is that 
sports cars are great until 

450
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,280
there's bumps in the road. 
So I don't need a whole bunch of

451
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,520
sports cars that look great. 
I need some vehicles that can 

452
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:35,000
actually get the job done and 
get the kids from this is a mess

453
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:36,840
to work actually going 
somewhere. 

454
00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:40,720
So I would say the best thing 
that could happen is the adults 

455
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:42,640
take accountability for their 
own emotions. 

456
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:46,800
On that topic too, are there any
behaviors in particular like 

457
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:51,720
from stepmoms that you have seen
prime examples of that trigger 

458
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:55,840
defensiveness in bio moms? 
Because we can only help 

459
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,320
ourselves. 
And I'm, I know we're going to 

460
00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:00,920
hear a lot of stepmoms saying 
like, well, I'm going to do that

461
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:04,240
15 minute journaling, but she's 
not going to OK, so, but. 

462
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:08,400
That's exactly what I say. 
Accountability like a yes, so I 

463
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:12,280
would say like anything, and 
this is probably not the kosher 

464
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,760
answer, but it it could be 
anything. 

465
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:18,360
It could be trying to be nice, 
it could be trying to match your

466
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:21,200
husband's energy and not talking
to her. 

467
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:24,840
It could be anything like 
triggers are really like 

468
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:29,400
attached to that person's 
conditioning, their experiences,

469
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:32,600
their wounds. 
So something that triggers 

470
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:36,760
Alyssa's bio mom wouldn't 
trigger Becca's and vice versa. 

471
00:26:36,760 --> 00:26:40,680
So it's like that's where I feel
like people run into traps is 

472
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:45,040
like, oh, if I just do XY and Z 
then my bio mom shouldn't be 

473
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:47,400
ever triggered. 
And it's like, no, that's not 

474
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:49,800
how life works. 
That's not how Co parenting 

475
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,560
works. 
But just because she gets 

476
00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:55,560
triggered doesn't mean you have 
to stop doing that doesn't mean 

477
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,960
that you did it wrong. 
That just is her raw hamburger 

478
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:01,400
that she cooks. 
She handles it. 

479
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:05,240
And there's not one exact answer
for every situation. 

480
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:06,880
That's true. 
That's true. 

481
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:08,600
Like where, where does that 
exist in life? 

482
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,160
Like where does that like if you
were to like what? 

483
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:14,520
Like I want to make $10,000 more
a month, you could find 50 

484
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:17,000
different people that would give
you 50 different answers and 

485
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:21,240
they could be all 50 legit. 
So to me like people have this 

486
00:27:21,240 --> 00:27:23,200
idea of what Co parenting should
be. 

487
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:27,160
Now let me break this down in a 
very easy way. 

488
00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,240
You know because both of you are
married now, correct? 

489
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:36,200
Yes. 
I'm very curious and why I why 

490
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:39,680
Why I ask is because one thing 
that happens in a very similar 

491
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,840
way is monogamy. 
Have either one of you sat down 

492
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:46,320
with your husband and discussed 
what monogamy means to you guys?

493
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:48,080
Right. 
No, definitely. 

494
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:49,200
No, it's just. 
That's true. 

495
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:52,200
That's assumed that you're 
monogamous, so of course that 

496
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:53,320
means the same thing to both of 
you. 

497
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:57,480
But for Alyssa, that could be, 
if you look at another man, 

498
00:27:57,560 --> 00:27:59,680
we're going to have a stern 
conversation when we get home. 

499
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:02,400
And for Rebecca, it could be, 
you know, we could dance with 

500
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:05,560
other people. 
I could have fun, I could flirt,

501
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:09,160
and that's kosher. 
So to me, what happens is that 

502
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:12,680
people come into Co parenting 
who have never done it before 

503
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:14,840
and they're like, oh, I know 
what Co parenting is. 

504
00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:16,760
I know how it's supposed to 
work. 

505
00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:20,920
And they try to make their lives
fit into this definition instead

506
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,560
of realizing that different 
people have different realities 

507
00:28:23,680 --> 00:28:25,600
and they have different 
experiences and they could bring

508
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:28,920
in their own wounds. 
And instead of creating from 

509
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:33,200
that, they like try to use 
stencils and templates and 

510
00:28:33,440 --> 00:28:36,400
scripts and try to fit their 
life into that. 

511
00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:40,480
So to me, I want people to take 
ownership over their situations 

512
00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:45,040
instead of trying to fit their 
lives into this made-up standard

513
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:47,920
of what Co parenting should be. 
Yeah. 

514
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:50,880
I think that's why also Becca 
and I, our platform is really 

515
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:55,120
just like relating to other 
stepmoms about how hard it can 

516
00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:58,800
be and trying to like bring in 
people like yourself that have 

517
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:02,080
experience with the other side 
to give us a new perspective 

518
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:04,400
because we just don't believe in
those. 

519
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:10,520
I'll say like other stepmom or 
podcasts that want to give us 

520
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,160
like directives and this is what
you do. 

521
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:16,360
And it's because I agree it is 
so different and because between

522
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:18,600
Becca and I, there's three bio 
moms. 

523
00:29:18,800 --> 00:29:20,920
It's like she has two she's 
dealing with and I want. 

524
00:29:20,920 --> 00:29:24,120
And so we've been on this 
journey together and it's just 

525
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:27,040
everything is different. 
I have a question though, 

526
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:30,200
because you deal with dads. 
What role do the dads play in 

527
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:31,840
all this? 
Where do we get them? 

528
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:33,560
I know it's different, each one 
is. 

529
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:34,200
Different. 
So glad. 

530
00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:36,720
No, I'm so glad you brought that
up because like I've been had in

531
00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:38,040
my head for like the last 10 
minutes. 

532
00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:40,440
Like we were just letting dads 
off the hook right now. 

533
00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:42,680
No, don't let them. 
It's all their fault. 

534
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:47,280
Well, it's, it's not OK. 
I agree. 

535
00:29:47,280 --> 00:29:50,600
And I wanted to set that 
straight because to me, one 

536
00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:53,280
thing that I bring into my 
coaching is like the ideas 

537
00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:54,960
around masculine and feminine 
energies. 

538
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:58,480
And what I mean by that is that 
there are some clear balances 

539
00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:01,200
that happen when like, there's a
masculine and a feminine. 

540
00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:05,880
And to me, the masculine sets 
the tone in a relationship, in a

541
00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:09,160
home, in whatever. 
And then it's the feminine's 

542
00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:13,880
role to like read that tone. 
And So what I see is that a lot 

543
00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:18,200
of times guys will tell me this 
specific thing that like, you 

544
00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:22,800
know, when I first started with 
my wife and my ex-wife, I was so

545
00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:26,480
sure of myself and you know, I 
made decisions and she liked 

546
00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:28,000
that. 
And she like there's multiple 

547
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:30,640
men have even told me like, you 
know, she told me that she liked

548
00:30:30,640 --> 00:30:33,400
me because I was the only person
who like really put her in her 

549
00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:35,040
place. 
OK. 

550
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:37,720
And not like in a negative way, 
but like in a he's sure of 

551
00:30:37,720 --> 00:30:40,080
himself. 
Yeah, masculine way, yeah. 

552
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:42,800
Correct. 
So then over the course of the 

553
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:47,520
marriage, he loses that. 
And to me, a big part, a big 

554
00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:50,280
piece of that happens around 
pregnancy and birth. 

555
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:54,040
Because before pregnancy and 
birth, he can fart and she 

556
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:57,480
thinks it's funny, she's sad. 
He brings her chocolate or 

557
00:30:57,480 --> 00:31:00,240
culture, right? 
Like he can do things and 

558
00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:03,600
there's like a set consequence 
or reaction or whatever. 

559
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:07,600
She gets pregnant, everything is
different. 1 + 1 no longer 

560
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:10,000
equals 2 every time. 
Sometimes it's four, sometimes 

561
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:15,600
it's two, sometimes it's 14. 
And I am that is so accurate 

562
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,880
even I have a one year old. 
Right. 

563
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:23,520
So then what happens is that he 
like keeps trying to do what 

564
00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:28,160
used to work and it doesn't work
anymore and that he loses 

565
00:31:28,160 --> 00:31:31,240
confidence, he loses his sense 
of self. 

566
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:35,560
Like what happens with both 
sides is that we have to like 

567
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:39,440
reconfigure. 
And a lot of men, they stop 

568
00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:42,800
trying because they don't like 
the emotions, They don't like 

569
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:45,640
her reactions, They don't feel 
cared for. 

570
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:49,560
And a lot of the people that I 
work with, there was a person 

571
00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:52,120
who like, did a lot of the like 
taken care of. 

572
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,360
They're usually the people 
pleaser, the fixer. 

573
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:57,120
And they, you know, that's 
usually the woman to be fair. 

574
00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:00,080
And they were with a man who 
likes being taken care of. 

575
00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:06,120
And so she has a baby now that 
needs more of that. 

576
00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:09,480
She is taking care of a human 
that she grew inside of her. 

577
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:12,760
And he's 2nd place. 
That's hard because nobody 

578
00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:15,680
really prepares the guy for 
like, hey, you got to just 

579
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:18,680
handle that. 
Like you, you're going to be 

580
00:32:18,760 --> 00:32:21,400
second place. 
You're not as important, 

581
00:32:22,280 --> 00:32:25,720
especially if you attracted 
somebody who pours out to the 

582
00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:28,680
point where they are empty. 
So now she's pouring out to the 

583
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:32,280
point where she is empty into 
this baby and dad is like, 

584
00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:34,000
there's nothing I do that's good
enough. 

585
00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:37,640
So to me, that's where a lot of 
the disconnect that's like to be

586
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:40,120
fair, that's also where some of 
the cheating happens. 

587
00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:43,160
Some of the abuse happens is 
during pregnancy and that first 

588
00:32:43,160 --> 00:32:45,800
year. 
And then like to, you know, to 

589
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:50,280
bring this into what bio moms go
through, then they carry that 

590
00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:54,520
trauma. 
They carry that like the impact 

591
00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:57,440
of that happening at their most 
vulnerable. 

592
00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:00,480
That's a lot of the like the 
things that I'm still working on

593
00:33:00,600 --> 00:33:04,800
years later with them is how 
could you treat me like that 

594
00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:06,800
when I was pregnant? 
How could you treat me like that

595
00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:11,200
when I and like the first year 
of our kids life and the guy is 

596
00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:14,160
like, well, because what I used 
to do didn't work anymore and I 

597
00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,280
didn't know what to do. 
And then he starts to get 

598
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:18,240
frustrated. 
So to me it's just it's such a 

599
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:22,160
wild thing to look at because 
nobody's prepared for it. 

600
00:33:22,160 --> 00:33:25,440
And like, I know none of you 
guys weren't like prepped for 

601
00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:28,280
that and we just all deal with 
the consequences. 

602
00:33:28,920 --> 00:33:33,040
What are some strategies or 
advice would you have for 

603
00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:35,920
couples like that to help the 
situation? 

604
00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:38,840
Because it sounds like how 
you're describing it. 

605
00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:42,080
And I really appreciate how 
you've just been careful using 

606
00:33:42,080 --> 00:33:44,480
your verbiage and your 
perspective during this whole 

607
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:48,160
episode is that no one is at 
fault, right? 

608
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,720
It's like everyone comes in with
their own wounds and then we 

609
00:33:51,720 --> 00:33:55,720
contribute to maybe this problem
or this obstacle that we need to

610
00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:58,640
get through to either make our 
marriage better or a blended 

611
00:33:58,640 --> 00:34:00,880
family better. 
So I'm just interested to hear 

612
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:04,320
what may be quick strategies or 
tips you would have married 

613
00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:06,800
couples that are going through 
that because a lot of our 

614
00:34:06,800 --> 00:34:09,880
stepmoms are newly married and 
have just had babies. 

615
00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:13,600
So, yeah, and it because I did, 
I think that it is good to 

616
00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:18,440
remove fault and blame on on a 
like general level. 

617
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:22,440
And what I mean by that is I 
think like strategies that would

618
00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:24,360
work is consistent check 
insurance. 

619
00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:27,280
Like if I'm married, I need to 
be checking in with this other 

620
00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:28,719
person. 
Like, hey, like what's something

621
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:31,199
that you felt supported by that 
I did this week? 

622
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,840
Because I think that for men, 
one of the things I have heard 

623
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:37,920
in relationships is like, why 
did you do that that way? 

624
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:40,760
And like, why did you say that 
or why did you treat me that 

625
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,400
way? 
And my legitimate response is I 

626
00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:45,840
wasn't even thinking about you 
when I did it. 

627
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:50,639
And that could be so frustrating
and heartbreaking for the woman 

628
00:34:50,639 --> 00:34:51,639
to hear. 
Like, what do you mean? 

629
00:34:51,639 --> 00:34:53,719
I wasn't thinking about that. 
You weren't thinking about me. 

630
00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:57,160
All I do is think about you. 
So like, there has to be this 

631
00:34:57,160 --> 00:35:00,560
like bridge and this way for the
man to learn. 

632
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:05,120
That isn't punitive. 
That isn't like, well, you 

633
00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:08,160
should know. 
Well, you married me and I was 

634
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,520
like this the whole time. 
So maybe if you really want this

635
00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:13,040
to work, let's work on this 
together. 

636
00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:16,920
So I would say checking in like 
once a week on and like asking 

637
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:18,360
each other like 3 to 5 
questions. 

638
00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:20,480
Like how did you feel supported 
this week? 

639
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:23,080
Like what would you like me to 
do to support you this coming 

640
00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:25,080
week? 
You know, what ways do you want 

641
00:35:25,080 --> 00:35:27,000
me to love you? 
What ways do you feel like I 

642
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:28,280
haven't? 
Like what do you feel like I 

643
00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:30,040
have noticed or haven't been 
noticing? 

644
00:35:30,240 --> 00:35:32,800
But I really think that check 
insurance are crucial. 

645
00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:38,960
And then there's this level of 
trust because and neither side 

646
00:35:39,080 --> 00:35:42,560
is ever fully going to 
understand what the other side 

647
00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:45,080
is feeling are going through. 
Like that's like, again, if we 

648
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:47,880
go back to the feminine and 
masculine, the way that I 

649
00:35:47,880 --> 00:35:50,440
explained it, people haven't 
heard this before is, you know, 

650
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:53,000
if you imagine somebody on the 
frontier, like a family on the 

651
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:56,240
frontier, like 1800s man is 
going to go out and hunt. 

652
00:35:56,520 --> 00:35:59,240
The man is going to go out and 
like the masculine, the man is 

653
00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:01,800
going to go out and do those 
things, put himself in danger, 

654
00:36:01,800 --> 00:36:05,840
protect from invaders, protect 
from, you know, tough like 

655
00:36:05,960 --> 00:36:08,560
animals. 
And the a lot of times a mom 

656
00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:10,360
would stay home, take care of 
the house, take care of the 

657
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:13,920
kids. 
They both have equally important

658
00:36:13,920 --> 00:36:16,440
jobs. 
If both of them went out and 

659
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:19,360
hunted and a bear attacked them,
they're both dead. 

660
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:23,200
Kids are screwed. 
OK, If both of them stay home 

661
00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:27,120
and the they get attacked by 
Raiders, they're both dead, kids

662
00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:30,040
are screwed. 
So they both have to do their 

663
00:36:30,040 --> 00:36:34,560
respective roles, but then trust
in the other person to handle 

664
00:36:34,560 --> 00:36:38,560
their role and understand that 
Mom's not going to understand 

665
00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:42,240
what it's like to get out there 
and hunt at 5:00 AM, and Dad's 

666
00:36:42,240 --> 00:36:45,400
not going to understand what 
it's like to stay home with the 

667
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,120
kids and have those 
frustrations. 

668
00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:53,240
And obviously in 2026, we don't 
stay to those same exact gender 

669
00:36:53,240 --> 00:36:58,840
specifics, but there are roles 
that each person inhabits that 

670
00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,000
the other person won't always 
understand. 

671
00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:03,520
So you have to be willing to 
understand, hey, this is hard 

672
00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:06,040
for you in a way that I might 
not get. 

673
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:08,480
And I'm just going to like, I, I
get that. 

674
00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:10,480
I don't get it. 
And I feel like if you can do 

675
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:13,200
those two things, you got a 
chance. 

676
00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:18,160
Yeah, a little piece of advice 
from my Becca Gnosis. 

677
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:21,000
But my husband and I were going 
to a marriage class. 

678
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:24,480
It was like 4 weeks, just one 
day a week. 

679
00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:28,400
And I literally just learned 
that last night in our marriage 

680
00:37:28,400 --> 00:37:31,000
class. 
A bit of like I heard you say 

681
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:33,880
this. 
This is what I felt from it. 

682
00:37:34,080 --> 00:37:37,880
Like to understand the mindset. 
Do you know the book Men are 

683
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:40,480
like waffles, Women are like 
Spaghetti? 

684
00:37:41,120 --> 00:37:43,880
I do not know. 
Why does nobody know this? 

685
00:37:43,880 --> 00:37:46,440
I already mentioned this in 
another episode and Becca had no

686
00:37:46,440 --> 00:37:49,320
idea. 
But men think in like segments. 

687
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:51,960
They get the syrup, gets trapped
in one box. 

688
00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:53,520
Women kind of are all over the 
place. 

689
00:37:53,520 --> 00:37:58,600
We can multitask more, like we 
can function a little bit better

690
00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:01,200
than men, but then we get 
chaotic because we're doing so 

691
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:04,240
many things at once. 
And then so anyways, I think 

692
00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:07,600
understanding men versus women, 
like the men is from Mars, women

693
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:10,640
are from Venus stuff. 
I think it's so helpful in 

694
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:12,880
navigating that. 
Something I still don't 

695
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:17,200
understand though, like my 
husband, Becca's husband, and 

696
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:20,040
we're hearing this from other 
followers too, that the men are 

697
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:24,440
just avoiding the conflict. 
I get that they usually are less

698
00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:28,960
like high conflict in the women 
are we hear that, you know, bio 

699
00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:32,520
moms, high conflict or bio moms.
I'm sure saying set moms or high

700
00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:34,880
conflict. 
I think it just looks that way 

701
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:40,080
because we are emotional. 
We talk more, but why? 

702
00:38:40,120 --> 00:38:43,960
How is that becoming a thing 
that then the men back up, they 

703
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:46,880
want to avoid the conflict and 
they freeze out almost. 

704
00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:50,120
I feel like that could be like, 
you can have an entire podcast 

705
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:54,560
just on that topic. 
I think that a quick answer is 

706
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:57,800
that men just aren't initiated 
the same way that they used to 

707
00:38:57,800 --> 00:39:00,640
be. 
Men usually go out in the forest

708
00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:04,360
and like, you know, be sent out 
there by people and then, OK, 

709
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:06,720
come back, you know, on Sunday 
morning and they would have to 

710
00:39:06,720 --> 00:39:11,480
fend for themselves. 
And I mean that in a way of I, I

711
00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:14,560
feel like the way that men 
approach problems now, if it's 

712
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:19,280
not like X's and O's and it 
involves emotion or conflict, 

713
00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:22,320
they're just not prepared 
because they've been taught that

714
00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:27,480
their own emotions are bad or to
be, you know, suppressed. 

715
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:31,560
So then when they're like, think
about it this way. 

716
00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:36,840
If your whole life you've been 
told emotions are weak or you'll

717
00:39:36,840 --> 00:39:39,840
be like, there's obviously 
derogatory names for men who 

718
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:42,040
grew up expressing their 
emotions. 

719
00:39:42,280 --> 00:39:45,000
So from a very early age, 
they've been taught to suppress 

720
00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:47,480
their emotions. 
And now they're in a situation 

721
00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:51,880
where there's an ex-wife fully 
emotional valid full emotions 

722
00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:54,880
and a new wife full of valid 
emotions. 

723
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:58,400
It was. 
It would take a miracle for a 

724
00:39:58,640 --> 00:40:02,000
regular man to somehow magically
be like, oh, I know how to 

725
00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:05,240
handle this. 
I can I can rise to the occasion

726
00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:08,440
that man is going to have to do 
such deep inner work. 

727
00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:11,080
And like, this is where I will 
say it with respect to 

728
00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:15,160
everybody, because I have coach 
clients who end up like who are 

729
00:40:15,160 --> 00:40:18,080
like I meet them when they have 
a Co parent and a current 

730
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:20,760
partner. 
And then like a year later, 

731
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:24,000
they're like Jay, I broke up 
with my current partner because 

732
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:28,320
of what they learned that they 
that started applying their 

733
00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,480
relationship and the 
relationship is no longer a fit.

734
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:35,120
So to me, this is where like I 
don't have any negative to say 

735
00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:38,680
about stepmoms, but it is like a
little bit of like you got to 

736
00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:41,240
recognize who you chose to 
marry. 

737
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:44,760
And this is part of the reality 
that like you have the 

738
00:40:44,760 --> 00:40:46,680
information. 
The same thing I talked to the 

739
00:40:46,680 --> 00:40:50,400
bio moms about is like, do you 
want to know when bio moms 

740
00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:53,160
usually knew that this guy 
wasn't right for them? 

741
00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:58,680
Almost always is a first date 
and then they're like, well, you

742
00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:00,240
know, maybe it maybe it'll get 
better. 

743
00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:02,880
Maybe I can change him. 
Maybe he won't always be this 

744
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:04,640
angry. 
Maybe this is how relationships 

745
00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:06,800
should be. 
And to be fair, I think a lot of

746
00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:10,320
women go into relationships like
that, which then lets men off 

747
00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:13,560
the hook to ever change. 
So I feel like a lot of this 

748
00:41:13,560 --> 00:41:15,200
comes back to the men need to be
better. 

749
00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:17,920
Like to be fair, like just 
across the board. 

750
00:41:18,520 --> 00:41:22,440
If like if there was one thing I
could help with to help stepmoms

751
00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:24,840
it would be to get the men to 
step up in their life. 

752
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:27,600
Like that's men need to do 
better. 

753
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:32,040
Yeah, no, I, I, I love that. 
And I think that definitely 

754
00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:35,400
resonates with with us and our 
followers. 

755
00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:40,000
And, you know, not that men 
should be, you know, let off the

756
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:43,360
hook per SE, but I do think, 
like we've mentioned several 

757
00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:47,560
times throughout this episode, 
it is harder because of, you 

758
00:41:47,560 --> 00:41:53,440
know, society and all of that 
for men to communicate their 

759
00:41:53,440 --> 00:41:56,160
emotions effectively. 
And sometimes that's why we do 

760
00:41:56,160 --> 00:41:59,840
see those high conflict, you 
know, situations for today. 

761
00:41:59,840 --> 00:42:02,440
We did have a couple listener 
questions for you. 

762
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:06,520
I know you did, just from 
listening to past episodes of 

763
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:09,600
other podcasts you've been on. 
You do have some experience in 

764
00:42:09,600 --> 00:42:12,840
the court system. 
So I go ahead, sorry. 

765
00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:16,680
No, no, you're fine. 
So someone did say they didn't 

766
00:42:16,680 --> 00:42:20,320
know if you had any insight to 
this, if the court was able to 

767
00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:25,400
mandate midweek dinners just 
because this stepmom sees that 

768
00:42:25,400 --> 00:42:28,960
it's, you know, when he sees his
bio mom during the midweek, it 

769
00:42:28,960 --> 00:42:33,040
kind of dysregulates him and he 
he melts down a lot after. 

770
00:42:33,040 --> 00:42:36,600
So this stepmom saying I don't 
see a benefit to these midweek 

771
00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:39,120
dinners and I just wanted to 
hear your perspective on that. 

772
00:42:39,840 --> 00:42:41,680
Yeah. 
So it is interesting because I 

773
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:46,200
would say that my experience 
with court, whether it's my own 

774
00:42:46,200 --> 00:42:49,280
or with clients, is that the 
best thing you can do is stay 

775
00:42:49,280 --> 00:42:51,720
out of court. 
Let's try not to get things 

776
00:42:51,720 --> 00:42:54,560
mandated. 
I've said this in every episode 

777
00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:58,640
now 100%. 
Yeah, I mean, because what to me

778
00:42:58,640 --> 00:43:02,840
what that a lot of what that is,
is that it's a tool for 

779
00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:06,400
outsourcing your regulation. 
So whether this mom wants to not

780
00:43:06,400 --> 00:43:10,560
mandate it or the bio mom wants 
to mandate it, what each side is

781
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:12,800
trying to do is like, well, if I
can get the court to say it, 

782
00:43:12,800 --> 00:43:16,840
then we have to do it or they 
can't make us do it, which then 

783
00:43:16,840 --> 00:43:19,920
takes the decision out of that 
individual, right. 

784
00:43:19,920 --> 00:43:22,600
And that's it's better if 
somebody else decides like, you 

785
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:25,840
know, it's uncomfortable. 
So I guess coming back to the 

786
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:28,280
question of like, can the courts
mandate it? 

787
00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:31,600
You can get pretty much anything
written into a document. 

788
00:43:31,800 --> 00:43:34,600
And if you get it signed and you
get it approved, it could be. 

789
00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:41,560
To me, what I would encourage 
this stepmom to do is to start 

790
00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:45,720
to understand like if it's 
happening for now, use this as 

791
00:43:45,720 --> 00:43:48,480
an opportunity to understand 
what it is about your kids 

792
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:51,000
behavior. 
That one you're calling 

793
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:55,640
dysregulated to how it actually 
makes you feel because it's only

794
00:43:55,640 --> 00:43:57,680
a problem because it's 
triggering her. 

795
00:43:58,880 --> 00:44:01,440
My kids are dysregulated when 
they come back from their moms 

796
00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:05,840
quite often. 
And it used to just like it used

797
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:08,240
to derail me. 
I would blame, I would get so 

798
00:44:08,240 --> 00:44:11,480
upset. 
And now they act relatively the 

799
00:44:11,480 --> 00:44:16,120
same and 99% of time is cool 
because I could handle it. 

800
00:44:16,120 --> 00:44:20,240
So I use that dysregulation. 
I use their behavior to make 

801
00:44:20,240 --> 00:44:24,080
myself a better parent because I
had to get honest about the 

802
00:44:24,080 --> 00:44:27,920
hardest part of handling this. 
This regulation was the 

803
00:44:27,920 --> 00:44:31,160
discomfort it brought up for me 
that I can't control them. 

804
00:44:31,160 --> 00:44:34,080
I can't make them feel better. 
I can't stop this. 

805
00:44:34,440 --> 00:44:37,680
And once I sat in front of the 
mirror and like worked through 

806
00:44:37,680 --> 00:44:41,480
that problem, dude, kids are 
going to be dysregulated. 

807
00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:43,680
What do you, who are you trying 
to raise that your kids never 

808
00:44:43,680 --> 00:44:45,800
going to be dysregulated? 
How about we use this 

809
00:44:45,800 --> 00:44:48,560
opportunity while it's there to 
become a better parent? 

810
00:44:49,480 --> 00:44:53,040
Yeah, I think the uncomfortable 
topic, that's a whole episode in

811
00:44:53,040 --> 00:44:57,600
itself too, which you agree was 
just, that's so important for 

812
00:44:57,600 --> 00:44:59,800
kids. 
There's uncomfortable aspects of

813
00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:02,240
this whole thing. 
There's uncomfortable aspects 

814
00:45:02,240 --> 00:45:05,080
for bio mom, step mom and dad 
all separately and then all 

815
00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:06,560
together like with 
communication. 

816
00:45:06,600 --> 00:45:09,120
So anyways, OK, I'm asked the 
next question. 

817
00:45:09,120 --> 00:45:11,920
This one says my stepson loves 
hockey. 

818
00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:14,840
He is a part of both the travel 
and a home team. 

819
00:45:15,160 --> 00:45:18,000
My mom does not allow him to go 
on her weeks. 

820
00:45:19,240 --> 00:45:22,080
She used to come to the games 
when he was with us which was 

821
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:24,640
confusing for him. 
She says she will take him on 

822
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:27,720
her time because she says they 
are busy making memories. 

823
00:45:28,160 --> 00:45:30,080
It really effects him because he
loves playing. 

824
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:33,160
Do you think this would be worth
going back to mediation about? 

825
00:45:33,240 --> 00:45:36,200
The parenting plan is very clear
that if he is a part of an 

826
00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:38,160
activity, he needs to go all the
time. 

827
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:42,120
So the easiest thing to do in 
this situation is point out like

828
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:44,440
where did that bio mom talk 
about how it feels for her? 

829
00:45:46,040 --> 00:45:48,800
She clearly, like she pointed 
out, she knows how it feels for 

830
00:45:48,800 --> 00:45:51,960
her step, her stepson. 
She somehow knows the 

831
00:45:51,960 --> 00:45:56,480
motivations of the bio mom, but 
she didn't say how it feels for 

832
00:45:56,480 --> 00:46:01,120
her. 
So until she's working, right? 

833
00:46:01,120 --> 00:46:02,760
And that's what people do. 
That's what I mean by like 

834
00:46:02,760 --> 00:46:04,920
people give away their raw 
hamburger, they give it to the 

835
00:46:04,920 --> 00:46:07,960
other person. 
Like that clearly bothers the 

836
00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:11,280
stepmom. 
So she should be willing to sit 

837
00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:15,520
with like what is it about this 
situation and that bothers me so

838
00:46:15,520 --> 00:46:17,200
much? 
Is it the lack of control? 

839
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:21,320
Do I feel disrespected? 
Does it like am IA person who 

840
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:24,840
prides myself on being friendly 
with everybody and I can't seem 

841
00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:26,280
to make friends with this 
person? 

842
00:46:26,480 --> 00:46:30,560
Like there's so much that this 
stepmom can unpack with herself 

843
00:46:30,560 --> 00:46:33,880
about the situation before she 
goes to mediation. 

844
00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:37,320
That would just be outsourcing 
her emotional regulation. 

845
00:46:37,840 --> 00:46:41,200
So, yeah, my, I had my kids 
signed up for tumbling. 

846
00:46:41,360 --> 00:46:44,200
There were times that practices 
fell on mom's time and she 

847
00:46:44,200 --> 00:46:47,440
didn't take them unless, I mean,
I won't even say unless that 

848
00:46:47,440 --> 00:46:49,840
kids go into the NHL, that is 
not a big deal. 

849
00:46:49,840 --> 00:46:54,280
But it's more like, clearly it 
bothers you that she is not 

850
00:46:54,280 --> 00:46:57,000
following the plan. 
Maybe you're following the plane

851
00:46:57,000 --> 00:46:58,760
and you're used to getting a 
Gold Star. 

852
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:03,000
A lot of us, a lot of women in 
particular, grew up like that. 

853
00:47:04,480 --> 00:47:07,760
Grades, honor roll, dressing 
right, doing the right thing got

854
00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:09,680
you. 
The thing that doesn't exist in 

855
00:47:09,680 --> 00:47:12,880
Co parenting, and that's a hard 
concept for a lot of people to 

856
00:47:12,880 --> 00:47:15,520
understand is like, my good 
behavior doesn't get rewarded 

857
00:47:15,520 --> 00:47:18,960
here. 
And it's like, Nope, Nope, not 

858
00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:22,320
even, Nope. 
You just, you got to do it in a 

859
00:47:22,320 --> 00:47:25,000
way that works for you because 
you got to be the one that lays 

860
00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:27,440
your head down at the end of the
night and sleeps peacefully. 

861
00:47:28,840 --> 00:47:32,440
I am really interested to just 
hear a little bit about what you

862
00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:35,560
think about resentment. 
I work on this a lot with some 

863
00:47:35,560 --> 00:47:39,120
of our stepmoms. 
And from my perspective, I think

864
00:47:39,120 --> 00:47:44,320
resentment really comes from 
fear and expectations that we 

865
00:47:44,320 --> 00:47:46,360
have for other people. 
And when they don't meet those 

866
00:47:46,360 --> 00:47:49,400
expectations, we become 
resentful, which also develops 

867
00:47:49,400 --> 00:47:51,640
out of fear. 
And so I just wanted to see if 

868
00:47:51,640 --> 00:47:55,600
you had maybe, you know, just a 
quick little tip or whatever 

869
00:47:55,600 --> 00:47:58,600
what have you for stepmoms who 
might be dealing with some 

870
00:47:58,600 --> 00:48:01,880
really a tough resentment. 
Well, I think that you nailed it

871
00:48:01,880 --> 00:48:05,040
when you said it's like the 
space between the expectations 

872
00:48:05,040 --> 00:48:09,320
or their preformed identity and 
the reality of what happens. 

873
00:48:09,640 --> 00:48:13,440
Because I think that a lot of 
moms, stepmoms are bio moms. 

874
00:48:13,440 --> 00:48:17,080
But obviously stepmoms here come
into the situation with an 

875
00:48:17,080 --> 00:48:19,920
expectation of how they're going
to act, how things are going to 

876
00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:22,840
go. 
And then the reality doesn't 

877
00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:26,400
match that. 
And it, it's so easy as a human 

878
00:48:26,400 --> 00:48:27,920
to be like, well, they're the 
problem. 

879
00:48:28,000 --> 00:48:30,840
They're not let, they're not 
letting me behave the way I 

880
00:48:30,840 --> 00:48:33,200
thought I could behave. 
And that's a hard thing for 

881
00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:36,120
anybody to come through. 
It's like, well, and that's why 

882
00:48:36,120 --> 00:48:41,960
accountability is so important. 
You act this way and they react 

883
00:48:41,960 --> 00:48:45,200
a certain way, you still get to 
choose whether you want to act 

884
00:48:45,200 --> 00:48:47,400
that way or not. 
Like just because they reacted 

885
00:48:47,400 --> 00:48:50,280
poorly doesn't mean you can't 
act that way. 

886
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:53,000
It just means that right now 
that's how they're reacting. 

887
00:48:53,840 --> 00:48:57,400
And I guess like to pull it back
to that example, it's if you 

888
00:48:57,400 --> 00:49:01,840
really zoomed out a little bit, 
if the if that was happening 

889
00:49:01,840 --> 00:49:05,560
with the hockey situation where 
they're not letting the kid go 

890
00:49:05,560 --> 00:49:08,680
to practice and you come in with
that resentful energy like, 

891
00:49:08,680 --> 00:49:12,000
well, I paid for this and this 
is so disrespectful. 

892
00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:13,680
You're always working against 
us. 

893
00:49:14,280 --> 00:49:16,360
That's going to be met with so 
much resistance. 

894
00:49:16,360 --> 00:49:19,000
Like that energetically is just 
so repulsive. 

895
00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:21,240
But if you're like, you know 
what, that sucks. 

896
00:49:21,240 --> 00:49:25,200
But like I understand or I don't
understand, but there's nothing 

897
00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:28,040
I can do. 
That type of energy completely 

898
00:49:28,040 --> 00:49:30,920
changes the dynamic and it 
allows for a lot more. 

899
00:49:31,200 --> 00:49:35,160
So what I think that moms, 
stepmoms, dads, especially 

900
00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:37,120
parenting, this is a good 
parenting tip for everybody. 

901
00:49:37,720 --> 00:49:42,160
If you allow complaining to 
exist you'll get a lot more 

902
00:49:42,160 --> 00:49:44,960
done. 
So many people are trying to get

903
00:49:44,960 --> 00:49:49,200
to boundaries or changes in 
behavior or changes in the Co 

904
00:49:49,200 --> 00:49:51,600
parenting without the other 
person being allowed to 

905
00:49:51,600 --> 00:49:54,200
complain. 
My kids do a lot of stuff and 

906
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:56,840
they complain about it all. 
What did you allow the other 

907
00:49:56,840 --> 00:49:59,360
person to complain and let that 
be their control? 

908
00:49:59,560 --> 00:50:00,800
You'll get a lot more of what 
you want. 

909
00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:02,840
Yeah, that's kind of an 
interesting angle. 

910
00:50:02,840 --> 00:50:06,520
That's different, I think, than 
the modern aspect of where 

911
00:50:06,520 --> 00:50:10,760
everyone's telling parents in 
general how to like what's good 

912
00:50:10,760 --> 00:50:12,520
and what's bad and what you're 
allowed to do, what you're not 

913
00:50:12,520 --> 00:50:14,320
allowed to do. 
And I, I hate that. 

914
00:50:14,320 --> 00:50:17,520
I like the open mindedness of 
like what we talked about 

915
00:50:17,520 --> 00:50:21,560
earlier where every situation is
different, but I like this idea 

916
00:50:21,560 --> 00:50:24,720
of letting them complain. 
And I think if anyone has space 

917
00:50:24,720 --> 00:50:27,680
to speak their mind, at least 
let them speak their mind, 

918
00:50:27,680 --> 00:50:29,920
whether you do it or not. 
OK, whatever. 

919
00:50:30,040 --> 00:50:33,400
And I know we have complainers 
that we hear from all the time, 

920
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:37,680
and that's fine. 
We let those moms complain, so 

921
00:50:37,760 --> 00:50:39,640
say your complaints, but am I 
going to do it? 

922
00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:41,320
It's my home. 
I get to decide the other day. 

923
00:50:41,600 --> 00:50:45,760
Wrap it up for us real quick. 
Let us know where listeners can 

924
00:50:45,760 --> 00:50:47,880
find you. 
We might need to bring you into 

925
00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:50,920
the membership for like AQ and a
sometime or something, but 

926
00:50:51,160 --> 00:50:54,880
outside of stepmom side chats 
where can everyone find you? 

927
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:57,760
No, I appreciate and I would I'd
love to come in and share with 

928
00:50:57,760 --> 00:51:01,520
your group. 
Right now I am just launching 

929
00:51:01,520 --> 00:51:03,640
like you know, we're recording 
on the 23rd. 

930
00:51:03,880 --> 00:51:08,120
It'll launch February 27th, a 
grounded Co parent university. 

931
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:12,480
I think by the time this airs, 
the doors will be closed for 

932
00:51:12,640 --> 00:51:14,960
March and it'll open at the end 
of March. 

933
00:51:15,120 --> 00:51:18,080
But that's going to be a place 
for any Co parent whatsoever to 

934
00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:21,120
come and learn like emotional 
regulation, grounding 

935
00:51:21,120 --> 00:51:23,880
techniques. 
So if you visit my page on 

936
00:51:23,880 --> 00:51:27,880
Instagram at JC Gibbons, you'll 
find the link to sign up for the

937
00:51:27,880 --> 00:51:30,080
wait list. 
I want you guys in there because

938
00:51:30,080 --> 00:51:33,360
it really is all about how to 
handle these situations in a 

939
00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:35,160
grounded way. 
It's not about getting more 

940
00:51:35,160 --> 00:51:38,400
control or winning or beating a 
narcissist. 

941
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:41,640
It's more so like, how can I 
feel good about the life that 

942
00:51:41,640 --> 00:51:43,720
I'm living while being a Co 
parent? 

943
00:51:43,720 --> 00:51:47,360
So find me on Instagram, find me
in the grounded Co parent 

944
00:51:47,360 --> 00:51:49,760
university and that's the best 
place. 

945
00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:52,400
Thank you. 
Thank you so much for joining 

946
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:54,600
us. 
This was therapeutic for myself 

947
00:51:54,600 --> 00:51:57,520
on so many levels. 
You know, I think we're always 

948
00:51:57,520 --> 00:52:00,840
all learning and there's 
something we can all take away 

949
00:52:00,840 --> 00:52:03,120
from it. 
So thank you so much for your 

950
00:52:03,120 --> 00:52:05,600
insight and your time today. 
We really appreciate it. 

951
00:52:05,680 --> 00:52:07,880
I'll see you guys next week. 
Bye. 

952
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:10,440
That's it for this week on 
Stepmom Side Chats. 

953
00:52:10,760 --> 00:52:14,560
We're Alyssa and Becca, your 
stepmom besties before you go. 

954
00:52:14,800 --> 00:52:18,240
If something we said hit a 
little close to home, go ahead 

955
00:52:18,240 --> 00:52:22,280
and hit Follow now so you don't 
miss future episodes and share 

956
00:52:22,280 --> 00:52:23,960
with another stepmom to help us 
grow. 

957
00:52:24,320 --> 00:52:27,520
If you want to connect between 
episodes, follow us on Instagram

958
00:52:27,520 --> 00:52:30,440
Stepmomsidechats and send us 
what you want us to chat about 

959
00:52:30,440 --> 00:52:32,280
next. 
Keep giving yourself grace, 

960
00:52:32,280 --> 00:52:33,560
you're doing better than you 
think. 

961
00:52:33,840 --> 00:52:35,080
We'll chat with you all soon.