1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,640 Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats. 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:11,240 We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. 3 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,720 Who are done pretending everything's perfect. 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,160 This is where we talk boundaries, Co parenting, hard 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,360 truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud. 6 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:22,600 If you're ready for real talk, real growth. 7 00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:25,000 And a little. Bit of spice, let's get into it. 8 00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:29,240 Good morning everyone. Happy Tuesday to those who 9 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:32,920 celebrate, because this episode's coming out on a 10 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:37,440 Tuesday, OK? Hey everyone, welcome back to 11 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:40,040 another episode of Stepmom Side Chats. 12 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:44,760 We are so, so excited today. I'm really excited to learn all 13 00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:47,680 about this. Today we're joined by Ashton. 14 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,720 She's an anagram speaker and a coach. 15 00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:55,320 She helps individuals and teams grow through deeper 16 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:57,760 self-awareness. We're really excited to talk 17 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:01,400 with her today about how the anagram can really help stepmoms 18 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:04,120 better understand themselves, their own triggers, 19 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:08,440 communication styles, and relationship dynamics inside 20 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,880 blended families. So without further ado, can you 21 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:14,560 go ahead, tell us a little bit about yourself, your background, 22 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:16,800 and how you got started with Anagram. 23 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,280 Yeah, so I'm super excited to be here. 24 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:23,400 Thanks so much for having me, and I can't wait to have this 25 00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:27,000 conversation with both of you. But hey, everyone, my name is 26 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:32,240 Ashton, and I have my bachelor's and master's degree in 27 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,960 psychology. And so that's where I first 28 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:39,440 discovered the Enneagram and really just became obsessed with 29 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:44,160 it because I saw how we can better understand not just 30 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:49,560 ourselves, but other people. I am a self-proclaimed 31 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:53,400 relationship enthusiast and so I just love relationships. 32 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:58,280 I love the connections that we can have with one another and I 33 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,640 love when, you know, obviously those are healthy relationships. 34 00:02:01,640 --> 00:02:04,680 And so the best way to have healthy relationships is to 35 00:02:04,680 --> 00:02:07,760 understand each other better. And the Enneagram kind of gives 36 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,600 you a voice to be able to do that. 37 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,160 Aside from that, I'm a mom of two littles. 38 00:02:12,160 --> 00:02:14,960 I have a three-year old and a five year old and a husband. 39 00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:21,840 I love to read and walk and I am in central PA where it's still 40 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:25,120 cold but hopefully when this episode comes out it will start 41 00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:29,360 warming up for us. OK, wait, you said Enneagram. 42 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:32,240 I cannot believe we both have been saying it wrong, Becca. 43 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,440 Well, I'm shocked that I've been saying it wrong, so I trust you. 44 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,560 It's Enneagram. Yeah. 45 00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:39,280 Enneagram. OK. 46 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:42,400 It's a hard work. It's a hard work. 47 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,640 And when I first started talking to people about it, you know, 48 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:48,840 they would just, like, stare at me like I had like a third eye 49 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:51,400 in the forehead, in my forehead. Like what are you talking about? 50 00:02:52,720 --> 00:02:54,480 Naturally. Sure, sure, sure. 51 00:02:55,400 --> 00:03:00,840 So OK, I just to brief you, I know you're aware that this is a 52 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:07,440 Stepmom page, stepmom podcast. The reason I love any grams is 53 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,400 because I really think, like you said, it does help us all 54 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,600 understand each other. But what stepmoms deal with a 55 00:03:13,600 --> 00:03:17,160 lot is once they get into this role, we don't understand 56 00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,800 ourselves. We don't understand why we can't 57 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:24,880 handle a little, you know, bad back talk from someone that's 58 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,400 not our kid, but it's kind of our kid. 59 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:31,600 We don't understand why we can't handle certain triggers and when 60 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,680 we're like quote UN quote coaching other stepmoms, it's 61 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:37,960 hard to unless we know a lot of background about the person. 62 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,640 And I think for me, I always want to know like people's 63 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:46,200 enneagrams. So I want to know though, do you 64 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:51,240 have any kind of stepmom like blended family dynamic or 65 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:56,240 background? Yeah, so I have a stepmom and a 66 00:03:56,240 --> 00:04:00,600 stepdad and two step brothers that we don't really call step 67 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,200 brothers. Like they're just my brothers. 68 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,560 Yes, love that we talked about that too. 69 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:10,160 And they have been in my life since I was five years old, so 70 00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,560 I've known them a very, very long time. 71 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:18,600 And you know, as a child growing up, you experience a lot of 72 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:23,720 different changes in yourself. And so those relationships have 73 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:29,640 changed a lot as well. So I definitely consider 74 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:34,440 ourselves to have a really great blended family. 75 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,960 We all are married and all have kids. 76 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:42,720 And so like, we are just a big family and I'm feel very lucky 77 00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:47,080 for that reason. But also, you know, experienced 78 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:50,600 a lot of different relationship dynamics with all of that 79 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:54,200 growing up. OK, that's so interesting. 80 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,960 That's amazing to hear though, because I think we all worry 81 00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:01,040 that our step kids are going to end up like with issues or you 82 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,000 know, they're not going to have relationship issues or they're 83 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,720 not going to be able to handle, you know, relationships because 84 00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,600 they've seen divorce and stuff. So that's amazing to hear that 85 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:13,160 first of all, you came out on the other side for all of us and 86 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:17,520 our step kids and that you have your own stepmom experience as 87 00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:20,440 not being one, but having one. So love that. 88 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,120 And we definitely need to have you on since you're a 89 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:26,280 relationship expert, any of us that mom, I want to know how 90 00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:31,160 that you went through all that. But so OK, let's dig into like 91 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:34,000 enneagrams. Just if you want to tell us 92 00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:35,680 first, how did you get into this? 93 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,680 How did you become like as obsessed as I am? 94 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:43,200 What what got you deep into this realm of relationships? 95 00:05:44,840 --> 00:05:47,920 Like I said, as soon as I discovered what the Enneagram 96 00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:51,680 was, I was totally obsessed with it because I think I was like, 97 00:05:51,680 --> 00:05:55,200 oh, you know, everybody's heard of Myers Briggs and strength 98 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:58,240 finders and disc assessment. And those are also really great 99 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:01,440 tools, but they're more so focused on your behaviors. 100 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:07,440 And the Enneagram instead is focused on why you do things the 101 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,240 way that you do that. And so it gives you a better 102 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:13,640 understanding, like you were saying before about, you know, 103 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,960 yourself. And why is it that I shy away 104 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:21,080 from conflict or why is it that I, you know, get sweaty palms 105 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,640 when somebody wants to have a confrontation or, you know, why 106 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:27,400 are those things happening versus just the behavior itself? 107 00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:32,480 And that just like kind of set off a light bulb for me and I 108 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:35,000 just wanted to like share it with the world. 109 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,280 I was like, I need to share it with the world. 110 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:44,480 And so I was January of 2019 and January 1st, so New Year's Day, 111 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:49,360 New Year, New May, I was driving home from a trip with my entire 112 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:55,120 extended extended family and was like saying to my fiance, he we 113 00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:58,960 weren't married at the time. I think I'm going to like create 114 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:02,200 this Instagram account just to like share what I'm learning 115 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:06,320 with other people. And then from there it kind of 116 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,560 just blew up. And so somebody asked me 117 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:13,480 yesterday, like, did you go into this business with like planning 118 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:17,400 this to be a business? And no, I was working a full 119 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:22,160 time job, like totally content in my job and several months 120 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:26,120 later I was hitting like 30,000 followers, 40,000 followers and 121 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:30,160 people were asking me how do I figure out what my enneagram 122 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:34,200 type is? And I said to my then husband 123 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:38,560 Derek or my then fiance, my now husband Derek, I said, I think 124 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:42,080 that this is like becoming a thing and I think I need to 125 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:45,640 pursue it. And so I up until that point, 126 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:49,320 I've always worked in the realm of healthy relationships. 127 00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:52,240 So I was working in the field of domestic violence and sexual 128 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:55,120 assault prevention, teaching other people how to have healthy 129 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,920 relationships. And so it was very natural for 130 00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:00,480 me to be like, oh, this is just another tool. 131 00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:03,840 But I never thought that it would become like what I was 132 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:08,080 doing for my entire, but I just felt like this need to, I mean, 133 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,560 I'm a two, I'm a helper if you know anything about the twos. 134 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:15,080 Yet I felt this need to like help other people. 135 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:18,080 I'm like, I have this tool and I have this knowledge and I need 136 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,760 to share it with other people. And so I went and became trained 137 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,760 to be able to do so. And then the rest is kind of 138 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:31,880 history. So I want to maybe ask you so 139 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,039 for like Becca and I, for instance, do you think that 140 00:08:35,039 --> 00:08:39,080 there's a certain we fit into a perfect yin and Yang? 141 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:41,600 We are polar opposite in a perfect match. 142 00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,320 Like we would be like the perfect husband and wife 143 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:49,080 relationship, I swear. But is are there sides of the 144 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:53,000 anagram that kind of like connect like that, that are like 145 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,440 polar opposites and but a perfect match kind of situation? 146 00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:59,520 Does it work like that? Not really. 147 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:02,480 So people ask me all the time about compatibility. 148 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:05,920 They're like, I need to know, you know, what type works the 149 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:09,120 best with me. And it's really about 150 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:13,960 understanding the two individual types and how they work 151 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,920 together. So I don't know your types yet, 152 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:20,640 which is fun for me to not now, but let's say that we have like 153 00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:24,400 a three and a six or something. It's not that like 3 and a six 154 00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:27,560 is a great combination. It's how does what are the 155 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:30,360 tendencies of a three that could make this a healthy relationship 156 00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:32,720 with the six? What are their areas that they 157 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:36,320 need to look out for And then taking that awareness into, you 158 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:38,720 know, other aspects of your life. 159 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:46,120 OK, So in regards to the Enneagram, do you think anything 160 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,240 is especially helpful in relationships and family 161 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:54,520 dynamics in regards to like, because I know with each number 162 00:09:54,520 --> 00:09:58,680 comes like a great length of, you know, knowledge into that 163 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:02,000 person, but what part of it really ties into like a 164 00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:06,240 relationship and those dynamics? All of it really. 165 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:11,040 So, you know, let's say that you have, you know, three people in 166 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:14,160 your family and you're all different Enneagram types. 167 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:18,240 The way that you view the world is going to be through the lens 168 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,720 of that Enneagram type. So your Enneagram type is 169 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:24,680 made-up of your biggest motivations, like I said, and 170 00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:27,760 your biggest motivations are made-up of your biggest fears 171 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:32,240 and your biggest desires. And So what everybody fears is 172 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:36,880 going to be going to then directly influence their 173 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:41,080 behaviors, right? And so it's important to, you 174 00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:43,800 know, let's say you have three people, four people in your 175 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,600 family and everybody's fearing something different. 176 00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:49,440 And then therefore everybody's behaving in a different way. 177 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:54,480 And it's, you know, important that to, to understand why it 178 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:55,920 is. So I'll give you an example. 179 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,840 I'll use my spouse. So I'm a 2 and my spouse is a 180 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:03,240 six. So 6 is their biggest fear is 181 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:09,480 fear itself and not feeling like prepared or like there's a plan 182 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:12,600 or not, you know, feeling like they are secure. 183 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:17,920 Me as a two, my biggest fear is being unloved or unwanted or not 184 00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,840 needed. And so I know that I can't dump 185 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:25,720 on him like, hey, we're going to go to the zoo tomorrow and like 186 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,720 you're expected to come because his biggest fear is not being 187 00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:32,320 prepared for something. Or I can't be like, hey, we 188 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,920 should put an offer in on the House, like next week, let's go 189 00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:37,600 do that because he needs that time to process. 190 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:42,040 And so that simple act of like understanding that Will is going 191 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:45,160 to then direct my communication and the way that I interact with 192 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:49,640 those people. OK, for anyone that doesn't know 193 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,760 they're any grim yet, what you just go through all the numbers, 194 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:57,760 just go start with one and just a brief, tell them like the 195 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,120 enthusiasts, you know, the loyalists, give us the name. 196 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,360 And then like a real brief, like what it is so that anyone right 197 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:06,680 now, while they're locating, can figure out who they are before 198 00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:13,720 we kind of dig in more. Can I ask you something? 199 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,480 When was the last time you actually felt taken care of? 200 00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:21,080 Not on a holiday, not when someone finally said thank you. 201 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,560 Just in the normal, quiet parts of your day. 202 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:26,560 Because if you're anything like us, you're constantly pouring 203 00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:30,360 into everyone else. Kids, schedules, emotions, all 204 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:32,240 of it. And that's why we love Cozy 205 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,640 Earth. It's not just bedding or 206 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,000 pajamas. It's about creating small 207 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,400 moments in your day where you get to exhale. 208 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,480 Like your mornings feeling a little softer, are finally 209 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:45,880 crawling into bed at night and thinking, OK, this feels good. 210 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,360 And the best part? You don't have to second guess 211 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:51,360 it. They offer a 100 night sleep 212 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:55,480 trial and a 10 year warranty, so it's actually made to last, not 213 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:58,320 just feel nice for a week. So let this be a reminder, 214 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,680 especially as a stepmom to be cared for too. 215 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,360 Cozy Earth helps turn your routines into small rituals of 216 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,920 softness, comfort and ease. Head to cozyearth.com and use 217 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:11,600 our code STEPMOM for 20% off. Let them know you heard about it 218 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:15,680 from us on Stepmom side chats because home starts with you. 219 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:22,320 Yeah, absolutely. So the one is the reformer. 220 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:27,600 So their biggest fear is being seen as a bad person or doing 221 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,800 something wrong or being unethical or just doing the 222 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,720 wrong thing. And then their biggest desire is 223 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:37,200 to be seen as a good person, to be moral, ethical, right, to do 224 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:42,360 the right thing, to be correct. The two is the helper, like I 225 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:46,120 shared before. So their biggest fear is being 226 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:50,240 unloved, unwanted, not being needed, not being appreciated. 227 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:54,520 And then their biggest desire is to be loved and wanted and 228 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,720 appreciated and needed by others. 229 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:02,600 The three is the achiever. So their biggest fear tends to 230 00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:07,320 be failure, but they also fear being seen as incapable or 231 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:11,000 incompetent or inefficient because of that failure. 232 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:14,360 And then their biggest desire is success. 233 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:18,560 So they do want to have success, but they want to be seen as 234 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:22,800 valuable and be respected because of that success. 235 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,640 The four is the individualist, so their biggest fear is that 236 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,320 something is inherently wrong with them, that they're 237 00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,960 defective, they're insignificant, whereas their 238 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:38,560 biggest desire is to be seen as unique or special or 239 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,200 significant. So we're just set apart a little 240 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:44,320 bit. The five is the investigator. 241 00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:48,080 Stereotypically, they're going to be the ones that are the most 242 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:53,120 introverted of all of the types. So their biggest fear tends to 243 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:57,560 be having their personal space or resources depleted, which 244 00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,400 again sounds a lot like an introvert. 245 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:03,080 They also fear not knowing something or being seen as 246 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,120 ignorant. Their biggest desire then is to 247 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:10,320 have knowledge, so to be knowledgeable and to be seen as 248 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:14,360 competent and capable because of what they know, and then to also 249 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:16,800 be able to share that knowledge with other people. 250 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:21,720 The six is the loyalist. So their biggest fear, like I 251 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:25,560 mentioned before, is fear itself, but it kind of looks 252 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:30,520 like being without support or guidance or security. 253 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:36,720 And then their biggest desire is to feel safe and supported and 254 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:41,760 to be just secure in whatever they do. 255 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:46,440 The seven is the enthusiast, so they are stereotypically going 256 00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:49,440 to be the most extroverted of all of the types. 257 00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:53,120 And so their biggest fear, they do have a lot of FOMO. 258 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,200 So they do have that fear of missing out, but then they also 259 00:15:56,200 --> 00:16:00,800 fear being trapped in any sort of negativity or pain or 260 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:03,360 anything that could hold them down or hold them back. 261 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,880 And then their biggest desire is to have fun. 262 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:10,800 But ultimately they are seeking contentment and everything that 263 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,080 they do. So they want to be content 264 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,400 eights. They're the challenger. 265 00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:22,480 Their biggest fear tends to be being seen as weak or powerless 266 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:26,760 or controlled in some way. And then their biggest desire is 267 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:29,520 to protect themselves and other people. 268 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:33,320 Typically this looks like people that they feel need to be 269 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:37,720 protected, like they're people or vulnerable populations. 270 00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:41,120 Like they just want to make sure that people that don't have a 271 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:45,800 voice are spoken for. And then nines, they're the 272 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:49,080 peacemaker. So their biggest fear tends to 273 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,840 be conflict. But that doesn't mean that other 274 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:56,120 types don't also fear conflict. It's just for nines, it makes up 275 00:16:56,120 --> 00:17:00,840 their main motivation and then their biggest desire is to 276 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:04,480 maintain a peaceful environment for themselves and for the 277 00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:08,520 people around them. And then explain, isn't there 278 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:12,319 like a wing where you kind of can revert to one that's on 279 00:17:12,319 --> 00:17:14,400 either side of your number or something? 280 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,599 Yeah. So your wings are the number on 281 00:17:17,599 --> 00:17:22,160 either side of your main type. So most people will assume, 282 00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:24,920 unless they know this, they'll assume that your wing is your 283 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,840 second highest score on a test. My thoughts on tests in general, 284 00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:30,120 since I'm here, I'll just say it. 285 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:35,160 They're a great place to start, but they aren't always that 286 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:38,280 accurate. And that's because we answer 287 00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:40,920 questions based on how we want to be perceived. 288 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:45,240 Even if we say we're not doing that, it's we're human and also 289 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:49,000 we answer questions based on our behaviors and we know that the 290 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,960 Enneagram is about your motivations. 291 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:53,840 So sure, take them. Take a test that will give you 292 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:57,400 like the probability of your results, maybe in like a pie 293 00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,880 chart form where it shows you that one, three and eight are 294 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,920 your biggest pie slices. And then it's really up to you 295 00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:07,760 to sit and see what resonates with you. 296 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:10,200 But people don't like that because they want other people 297 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:14,000 to tell them you know what their type is and instead of having to 298 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,920 do the work themselves. But it's so worth it to be able 299 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:20,720 to do the work yourselves. But similarly, the wings are 300 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,480 going to always be next to your type. 301 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:27,040 So I am A2, like I mentioned before, my wings are a one and a 302 00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:30,560 three. Most people will say that they 303 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,200 have a wing that is stronger than the other one. 304 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:36,680 I have a 2 with a strong three wing, but that doesn't mean that 305 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,840 my other wing doesn't exist. And those are the things that 306 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,800 can fluctuate. Whereas your main type will 307 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,080 always stay the same. Your type is actually with you 308 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:48,120 from birth. It's more of that nature versus 309 00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:50,960 nurture, and that's why you should be able to look back on 310 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,880 life experiences and see how your type showed up in those 311 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:58,480 experiences versus those experiences dictating what your 312 00:18:58,480 --> 00:19:00,880 type actually is. So I say this all the time, but 313 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:05,440 actually with my parents divorced when I was 5, the way 314 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:10,640 that I, you know, kind of went through that process as a 2 315 00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:14,360 looked very, very different than my sister who went through that 316 00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:17,280 process as an 8. And so that's why you should be 317 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:20,440 able to look back on those experiences and see how that 318 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,280 showed up. But the purpose of your wings is 319 00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,800 to just you pull characteristics from them. 320 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,720 And so it kind of just makes you who you are. 321 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:32,080 Like a 2 with A3 wing like myself is going to look a little 322 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,720 bit different than a 2 with A1 wing. 323 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,560 Yeah, I think that is so fascinating. 324 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:41,800 But I do think that that makes a lot of sense because some people 325 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:46,400 will say like, it's it's not like a horoscope, you know, it's 326 00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,440 not something where like, oh, all of these kind of apply to 327 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,120 me. Not when you look into your 328 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:54,360 motivations, like your cause for doing something and then how you 329 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:57,720 react to stuff. But I do think like you kind of 330 00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,760 mentioned as we go through things that are like more 331 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:04,960 traumatizing or if you're in like a heated, you know, time in 332 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,960 your life or this chapter is more strenuous. 333 00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,200 Yeah, you do kind of fluctuate between those wings. 334 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:12,760 And I think that's why when you take some of the tests, they 335 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:17,600 show like they're they're. Larger on one side and so like 336 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:21,560 for stepmoms, for example, we go through a lot of like high 337 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:24,680 conflict moments and these just kind of pop out of nowhere. 338 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:28,280 So it's like that spontaneous activity from an uncontrolled 339 00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,840 source that we like we have no control over. 340 00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:36,320 That's really hard for every stepmom and how we react to it, 341 00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:39,800 like what our motivations are in the end for the the answer that 342 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:43,040 returns to, you know, the court system or bio mom. 343 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,120 I think that all comes from our numbers are Enneagram. 344 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:51,520 So tell me like is there can you group the numbers at all? 345 00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:55,560 Like how do we say like first stepmoms that say my number is 346 00:20:56,400 --> 00:20:59,440 the in the one twos and threes and fours or something? 347 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:04,440 Are do any of them kind of have the same initial reaction to 348 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:08,680 stress and high complex situations or is there a way to 349 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:10,920 say like these numbers kind of do it this way? 350 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:12,960 Yeah. So that's a really great 351 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:16,680 question. So there is something called the 352 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:19,920 triads. And so the Enneagram is split up 353 00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:24,320 into three different triads that have three types that have some 354 00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:28,800 shared similarities. So twos, threes and fours are in 355 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,280 what we call the heart triad. So they're going, their 356 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:35,600 responses are going to be a little bit more emotional. 357 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,560 So when you think about like high conflict or something like 358 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,720 that, they're going to lead with their heart and their emotions 359 00:21:41,720 --> 00:21:48,800 1st and then they all have a shared characteristic of shame. 360 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:54,480 So for twos, it's like, am I doing enough for other people or 361 00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,640 like am I contributing enough or helping enough? 362 00:21:57,320 --> 00:22:01,040 For threes, it's am I like achieving enough or am I like 363 00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:05,480 the best of the best, you know? And then for fours, it's just 364 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:10,400 like, am I enough as who I am? And then two threes and fours 365 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:13,880 also really want to create significance. 366 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:18,920 Five sixes and sevens are in what we call the head triad. 367 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:22,640 So all of their responses are going to be very head and 368 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:25,480 thinking focus. So they're going to need time to 369 00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:29,000 process, to think things through, to come up with a 370 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:33,000 decision or an answer, etcetera. They have a shared 371 00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:37,480 characteristic of fear. So fives, it's that fear of 372 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:42,440 their resources being depleted. Sixes it's that main connection 373 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:49,000 with fear and then sevens, it's that fear of being trapped in 374 00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:53,800 like negativity or emotional pain or anything that could hold 375 00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:57,200 them back. And then they just all want to 376 00:22:57,200 --> 00:23:01,480 feel like secure. And then eights Nines and ones 377 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:06,000 they're in what we call the gut triad and their response is 378 00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:11,320 going to be more like gut focus. So like action based, they all 379 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:14,400 have the unique struggle of anger. 380 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:16,480 It just presents itself differently. 381 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:20,920 So eights anger is just like a natural emotional expression. 382 00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,320 They don't really think much about it. 383 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:25,560 It's like happiness, sadness, anger for nines. 384 00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:29,520 They'll bury it and then it'll present as being passive 385 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:31,600 aggressive or they could blow up. 386 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:36,640 And then for once they'll say I'm not angry, I'm annoyed or 387 00:23:36,640 --> 00:23:39,280 I'm frustrated or I'm disappointed. 388 00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:42,840 And to the rest of us were like, no, you're angry. 389 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:46,000 But to them they're like, no, I'm frustrated or I'm 390 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,960 disappointed. And so the wording of that 391 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,200 matters. And then they all eights, nines 392 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,880 and ones are all very justice focused and justice oriented. 393 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:01,680 Stepmoms, how are you coping with transition day? 394 00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:05,440 I'll tell you how I am. I'm lighting my big ass candles 395 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:09,680 to calm my big ass anxieties and honestly it changes the whole 396 00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:13,040 mood of the house. Same chaos, just calm or vibes 397 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:16,240 and way better energy. We're obsessed with big ass 398 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:20,440 candles from big ass luxuries. Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. 399 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,240 If you want to try one, use code stepmom at checkout for a 400 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:27,120 discount. That's code stepmom. 401 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:30,840 Check out big ass candles because stepmom life comes with 402 00:24:30,920 --> 00:24:40,920 big ass feelings. This is so interesting for me 403 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:45,920 because I have, yeah, I have no experience with this whatsoever. 404 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:51,400 So I'm interested to see what you would think about, I guess 405 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:56,400 Alyssa and Eyes and how that might like align to us being a 406 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,960 stepmom. I'm not sure. 407 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:02,920 So also just to backtrack a little bit, if you had to like 408 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:07,160 guess someone's, are you able to do that in a certain amount of 409 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:08,920 time? Like let's say you've spent 30 410 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:11,480 minutes with us now, can you be like, you know what? 411 00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,040 I think Becca is this or I think Alyssa is this? 412 00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:17,520 Like are you able to tell someone's when you meet them or 413 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:19,240 how does that she's? Not unfortunately. 414 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:22,920 Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes if the right questions 415 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:28,280 are asked, but when we make assumptions about other people, 416 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:31,440 we are doing that based on their behaviors and not their 417 00:25:31,440 --> 00:25:34,800 motivations. And so like you could be looking 418 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:40,080 at somebody who is a great leader and they take charge and 419 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:44,800 they're very decisive and action focused and make the assumption 420 00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:46,520 like they look like they're an 8. 421 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:50,440 But at the end of the day, we don't know why they're quick to 422 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:53,440 make decisions or why they're action focused. 423 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:57,640 I think we wish that we could figure out what all of the bio 424 00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:01,880 moms and Eagrams are so that we could kind of understand where 425 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:05,560 they're coming from with some of like the hostility or anger, you 426 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:10,800 know, or whatever it is or and then like because stepmoms do 427 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,200 actually have good in them. They're not all evil. 428 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:17,680 And if we could like it's like the help me help you thing, you 429 00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:19,640 know, like what is your enneagram? 430 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:22,280 I'll understand you and then I can accept you a little bit more 431 00:26:22,280 --> 00:26:25,120 and not take things personally. But yeah, it does come down to a 432 00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,840 lot on our own. So should we tell you what we 433 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:29,520 are? Yeah. 434 00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:33,040 Or is it? I do want to, so I usually try 435 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:38,000 to pick up on it when I'm going through the types because I was 436 00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:39,960 watching facial expressions. To see. 437 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:44,360 Yeah, we were smiling. Yeah, I have ideas, but I would 438 00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:52,160 love to hear what your type is. So I'm A6 wing 7, but everyone 439 00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:54,600 guesses that I'm A7 when they meet me. 440 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:57,800 So I'm like, maybe you know, the test like you said is wrong or I 441 00:26:57,800 --> 00:27:02,160 took it at a bad time once. And this is like old because and 442 00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:05,280 I know they don't change but yeah. 443 00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:09,520 But I think I used to think a lot of my past made me a six, 444 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:12,040 but I guess that's just who I am, unfortunately. 445 00:27:14,040 --> 00:27:17,880 It probably like heightened it, you know, like it probably just. 446 00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,080 Yeah. Intensified the six 447 00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,360 characteristic. And I think it's really hard 448 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:27,680 being a stepmom as a six. Like if I knew I was a six and I 449 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,040 knew about enneagrams before I got married, I probably 450 00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:35,280 wouldn't. But I think I'm a 7 and that's 451 00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:38,080 why I am a stepmom too. Like I want to be inclusive. 452 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,680 I like I always am. Like I want to I tell my 453 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:44,320 daughter she's 3 and I'm like, I am Ariel the mermaid. 454 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:45,600 I want to be where the people are. 455 00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:50,080 We're always like if we're on a trip, we're like, let's go to 456 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:52,440 the restaurant and just see be with all the people I have. 457 00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:54,560 I live in FOMO. You live in. 458 00:27:54,560 --> 00:28:01,120 FOMO. I'm a three with a wing 2 so I I 459 00:28:01,120 --> 00:28:03,240 honestly am so brand new to this I don't even know what that 460 00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:06,480 means. Like I just know that I'm mostly 461 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:08,600 so. Funny because didn't I give 462 00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:10,440 three and six as like an example? 463 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:12,400 Yes. So we were texting each other 464 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:14,240 and I was like, aren't you a three? 465 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:17,360 I'm a six and. It's so funny. 466 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:21,080 So maybe I am a fortune teller. You are. 467 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:22,480 You are. Yeah, Yeah. 468 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:26,320 That's so funny. So the thing about 6 and I want 469 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:29,160 to go back to you for a minute and Alyssa with like the six and 470 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:32,200 the seven because they are next to each other. 471 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:37,200 And so you are correct that one would be your wing, but sixes 472 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:39,920 with A7 wing are actually called the buddy. 473 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:44,200 And so even though, like you said, you have a lot of seven 474 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:47,960 characteristics, that still can absolutely be true with six 475 00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:51,160 being your main motivation. And so it's like, is your main 476 00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:56,640 motivation that you want to feel safe and secure and seek 477 00:28:56,640 --> 00:29:00,120 guidance from other people or is it to have fun? 478 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,840 And is it like, I want to have fun, but it at the root of it is 479 00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:06,760 like I want to do that because it helps me feel secure. 480 00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:08,960 Then it's like you're in the six, you know? 481 00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:14,400 Oh boy, yeah, little tidbit, Becca and I go way back 16 years 482 00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:17,720 or something to we were freshmen roommates ish. 483 00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:21,520 We kind of we were in the same dorm together, but and we were 484 00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:23,920 like, but I think I dragged Becca around to the. 485 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:27,280 Party so. I hate going out. 486 00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:29,920 I hated going out. I would sit in my dorm rooms and 487 00:29:30,320 --> 00:29:32,120 and Alyssa's like, Nope, it's time to go. 488 00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:33,400 Come on, we're going to go tanning. 489 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:34,640 We're going to go do this and my. 490 00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:37,440 Tanning beds. Oh my gosh. 491 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,280 Yeah. Like leave me alone. 492 00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:43,720 So, yeah, but we definitely, it's that kind of friendship 493 00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:47,800 where and I haven't found that that often because usually I 494 00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:50,920 everyone I hang out with loves to be involved with a lot of 495 00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:54,480 people too. So but then you all kind of like 496 00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:56,440 are talking over each other all the time. 497 00:29:56,960 --> 00:30:00,440 Also, it's maybe they were not all like chatty, but it's, I 498 00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:02,240 think that's part of it going to be with people. 499 00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:06,800 So but yeah, I have a, I have a hard time with feeling safe and 500 00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:11,760 secure in my current state because there's a lot of, you 501 00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:14,800 know, vulnerabilities that come with being a stepmom. 502 00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:17,880 We have a lot of legal issues with the bio mom. 503 00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:23,440 And then just kind of feeling like a stranger in my own home 504 00:30:23,440 --> 00:30:27,720 is really discomforting. And so that's really hard for 505 00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:29,720 me. But The thing is that's hard for 506 00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:32,720 a lot of stepmoms. So after you dive into Becca's 507 00:30:32,720 --> 00:30:34,520 number, I kind of want to touch on that. 508 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:37,440 So just remind me. I want to, you know, that's a 509 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:42,360 big issue for stepmoms of how to figure out yourself and, you 510 00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:45,960 know, put yourself back in your home and find yourself. 511 00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:50,520 Yeah, so as the three, you know, and I kind of assumed you are 512 00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:53,240 three because when I said like the fear of failure, your face 513 00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:58,040 was like. I want to like be the best in 514 00:30:58,040 --> 00:31:01,600 everything, like, and I want to be the most valued. 515 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:05,840 And so it was really interesting when you said something along 516 00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:08,360 the lines of, I think you said something like they want to be 517 00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:10,960 the best. And I feel like even being a 518 00:31:10,960 --> 00:31:16,520 stepmom going back to that, that connection of it is that I, and 519 00:31:16,520 --> 00:31:20,320 I know I will never be bio mom and I'm not trying to be, but 520 00:31:20,320 --> 00:31:23,160 it's like the subconscious parts of me I'm like, Nope, I'm the 521 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:24,800 best. I'm doing this. 522 00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:28,560 So I'm just kind of interested to see your perspective on that 523 00:31:28,560 --> 00:31:30,440 and how it all correlates together. 524 00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:34,760 Yeah, and it's a threes in general, 2 are a little bit 525 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:36,960 competitive. And so I'm sure that there's 526 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:40,200 like some competitive pieces that come into play there too of 527 00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:44,040 like, you know, that you don't need to compete for like their 528 00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:47,080 love or their, you know, appreciation or whatever. 529 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:51,200 But or than that like it's not possible to compete at times, 530 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:54,640 but that's always going to be there in the back of your head. 531 00:31:55,440 --> 00:32:00,240 Is there a way to like combat that or is it just like it is 532 00:32:00,240 --> 00:32:03,640 the way it is like that's what I'm so interested with with all 533 00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:05,720 of this. It's like, so once you know your 534 00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:09,520 type, like can I help myself? Can other stepmoms who might be 535 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:13,680 a three help themselves when it comes to that competitive nature 536 00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:15,840 that we're in? Because like you said, like I 537 00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:19,160 think most stepmoms become really self aware really quick 538 00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:22,760 because we have to. And it's like, I know that 539 00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:25,840 biologically my step kids are always going to want their bio 540 00:32:25,840 --> 00:32:27,640 mom. So why do I compete? 541 00:32:27,640 --> 00:32:31,040 Why do I have this competitive nature and what can I do to like 542 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:34,200 maybe mitigate it? Or is that not even possible? 543 00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:37,200 Yeah. So you can definitely like the 544 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:40,000 first step is obviously going to be awareness, like you know that 545 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:42,800 you do that. And so the hope is that when you 546 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:45,680 feel it coming up and as the three like you're in that 547 00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:49,280 feeling area, when you feel it coming up, that you stop it, 548 00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:51,560 right. And say like, oh, I'm doing this 549 00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:54,400 because I feel like I need to be the best or I'm doing this 550 00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:59,840 because I want to be valued, but I'm valued in all of these other 551 00:32:59,840 --> 00:33:02,080 ways instead. So there's definitely a way to 552 00:33:02,080 --> 00:33:04,320 combat it. There's also a little sliver of 553 00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:08,240 possibility that, you know, it is who you are. 554 00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:11,480 And The thing is that this is how we've been for our entire 555 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:12,880 lives. And so it's going to take a 556 00:33:12,880 --> 00:33:16,280 really long time to be able to shed those layers away and and 557 00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:18,160 change the way that we've always done things. 558 00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:23,400 So I want to dig into a few questions kind of like I talked 559 00:33:23,400 --> 00:33:27,360 about of how stepmoms feel like, you know, their guests in their 560 00:33:27,360 --> 00:33:30,520 own home and things like how we disengage. 561 00:33:30,520 --> 00:33:33,560 But maybe since there's so many types, could we do it based on 562 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:37,240 the triads kind of. And so if anyone knows, then 563 00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,680 that's listening and they can kind of pinpoint which one they 564 00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:43,880 fall into. So for sure, when we feel like a 565 00:33:43,880 --> 00:33:47,720 guest in our own home, I've heard from a lot of the members 566 00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:50,080 in our membership saying that they have different things. 567 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,960 Like some of them don't allow the step kids into their 568 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:56,680 bedroom, into their like master bedroom. 569 00:33:57,040 --> 00:34:00,240 Some of them like me, we do like a retreat. 570 00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:03,400 Like you step away when you start getting heated and then 571 00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:06,640 you have like your space and you feel like yourself again. 572 00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:12,520 You don't come back until you're so like with that visualization 573 00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:16,360 and that kind of scenario, can you, and I know you're not a 574 00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:19,639 stepmom, but knowing all those types and you had a stepmom and 575 00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:25,000 what do you think, how do these three different triads kind of 576 00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,880 fall into that category? What's the best way for them to 577 00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:32,960 like recoup in that situation? Or any like advice you have for 578 00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:35,920 a suffering? Yeah, I'm suffering. 579 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:40,159 I hate that you're suffering, but so let's start with the 580 00:34:40,159 --> 00:34:42,960 heart like we did before. So they're going to take 581 00:34:42,960 --> 00:34:47,040 everything to heart, right? So like everything that is said, 582 00:34:47,679 --> 00:34:53,040 they're going to like really internalize those words or those 583 00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:56,639 feelings. And So what we want to do, like 584 00:34:56,639 --> 00:34:59,160 with all of these is to step out of that. 585 00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:04,960 And so for twos, threes and fours, being in the heart triad, 586 00:35:05,240 --> 00:35:08,760 like it is about maintaining and creating your own boundaries. 587 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:14,400 So like, what are your boundaries that will help you to 588 00:35:14,400 --> 00:35:16,680 protect your heart, right? Because we're trying to like 589 00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:21,920 protect our heart and protect our feelings and to, you know, 590 00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:27,080 even just to have these affirmations and standing solid 591 00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:32,680 and who you are and not how other people are going to 592 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:37,560 explain who you are, you know, and that's because for that, for 593 00:35:37,560 --> 00:35:41,240 this group, like again, they do take everything very much to 594 00:35:41,240 --> 00:35:43,600 their heart and internalize their feelings. 595 00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:46,920 So then the five, the six and the seven, you know, they're 596 00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:50,880 going to be the ones that are head focused and so they need 597 00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:53,920 time to process. So whatever that looks like for 598 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:59,600 them to be able to step away, take the time to think about 599 00:35:59,600 --> 00:36:02,240 what they're going to say or how they're going to react, what 600 00:36:02,240 --> 00:36:07,080 they're going to do. Sometimes even like activities 601 00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:08,640 that will help you get out of your head. 602 00:36:08,640 --> 00:36:13,560 So like journaling or yoga or like going on walks or something 603 00:36:13,560 --> 00:36:18,400 like that, that will help you to slow down and think things 604 00:36:18,400 --> 00:36:22,440 through 1st. And that's like, for instance, 605 00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:26,760 for the listeners, we're making a retreat guide in the 606 00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:30,400 membership and you don't have to be a member to get it. 607 00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:32,600 You can download it. It's like a one time purchase 608 00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:34,240 too. But that's going to be it talks 609 00:36:34,240 --> 00:36:38,480 about how to remove yourself from the situation before things 610 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:43,080 get too heated or before you get to like an arced or an arced or 611 00:36:43,080 --> 00:36:46,760 annoyed. So yeah, I think that that's 612 00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:49,160 great for that bubble. OK, so for the last triad. 613 00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:53,080 And then the eights, nines and ones with the exception of the 614 00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:57,040 nines, you'll I'll come back to the nines because they're kind 615 00:36:57,040 --> 00:37:01,720 of your own separate group, but the eights and the ones they are 616 00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:07,320 very reactionary. So they are going to react to a 617 00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:08,960 situation. So if it's something that's 618 00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:10,720 heated, like they're giving it back to you. 619 00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:16,360 And so for them as well, like they also need to take time and 620 00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:18,400 process, but it's going to be different. 621 00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:22,320 Whereas they have that like anger and that action, they need 622 00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:25,000 to put that action into doing something else. 623 00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:30,880 So going to the gym or you know, going to talk with, talk about 624 00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:34,880 it with a friend, like doing something that is going to like 625 00:37:34,880 --> 00:37:38,440 replace their action into doing something else. 626 00:37:39,200 --> 00:37:41,360 The nines where I was saying I was going to come back to the 627 00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:45,320 nines is they're an anomaly because they are, like I said, 628 00:37:45,320 --> 00:37:48,120 the peacemaker. And so even though they're in 629 00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:52,280 that 891 triad where they like take action, it's typically 630 00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:56,640 delayed action or their action looks like letting somebody else 631 00:37:56,640 --> 00:37:59,840 do it for them or like somebody else's opinions. 632 00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:02,040 I'll come before their own opinions. 633 00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:06,800 And So what they need to be aware of is that they're not 634 00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:10,720 getting walked all over because that is very commonly what 635 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:13,680 happens to nines. And so yes, they're still action 636 00:38:13,680 --> 00:38:15,280 focused. They're still on that gut triad. 637 00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:19,600 They likely need to still remove themselves and process, but it's 638 00:38:19,600 --> 00:38:25,680 just going to look a little bit different because they're more 639 00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:29,640 delayed in their responses. That is so interesting and 640 00:38:29,640 --> 00:38:32,400 insightful, so thank you. I'm so excited. 641 00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:34,160 Go listen to this episode myself. 642 00:38:35,800 --> 00:38:41,480 So a lot of stepmoms are people pleasers by nature and they 643 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:43,480 overcompensate, they over function. 644 00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:50,440 So what types do you think are more prone to these behaviors? 645 00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:53,640 And then, you know, oftentimes the stepmoms who are in this 646 00:38:53,640 --> 00:38:55,480 category, they feel resentful later. 647 00:38:55,480 --> 00:38:59,560 So which types do you think kind of fall into that category more 648 00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:03,680 strongly than others? So anybody can be a people 649 00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:07,520 pleaser, right? Anybody can be resentful. 650 00:39:07,520 --> 00:39:09,640 It's just the why behind that, right? 651 00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:13,960 So are, you know, I would say stereotypically like twos and 652 00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:18,440 threes and sixes and nines, like those are your people pleasers 653 00:39:18,440 --> 00:39:22,120 in general. But the reason why they feel the 654 00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:24,560 need to be people pleasers is different. 655 00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:27,080 Like twos, they are people pleasers because they want 656 00:39:27,080 --> 00:39:28,720 people to like them and love them. 657 00:39:28,720 --> 00:39:31,760 And so I'm going to, you know, do what I have to do to make 658 00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:36,760 that happen. So but even, you know, a number 659 00:39:36,760 --> 00:39:38,680 that I didn't like, I didn't say 7, right? 660 00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:40,920 But they could be people pleasers if they are trying to 661 00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:44,800 like keep things light and airy and like not negative and more 662 00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:48,480 like optimistic. And so anybody can be a people 663 00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:51,080 pleaser. It's just going to relate back 664 00:39:51,080 --> 00:39:55,320 to that motivation. The types that are typically not 665 00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:59,280 people pleasers are like your fives and your eights. 666 00:39:59,560 --> 00:40:03,440 Like they don't care as much as. Some of the other types about 667 00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:07,120 like what people think about them, resentment is going to 668 00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:11,480 show up a lot for like those in the anger or the gut triad 669 00:40:11,720 --> 00:40:14,960 because of like that connection to resentment and anger. 670 00:40:15,200 --> 00:40:18,040 But anybody can experience resentment if their needs aren't 671 00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:22,200 being met and like let's think about those needs and how you 672 00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:24,120 know each individual types going to be different. 673 00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:28,320 Yeah, it's so deep. It's like it just goes on and on 674 00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,480 and on. And then you look into their 675 00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:32,960 needs and how those are met. And then each one has its own 676 00:40:33,080 --> 00:40:37,160 different types of needs. And can you pinpoint, like for 677 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:41,360 boundaries, it's obviously hard to set boundaries with another 678 00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:45,640 person that doesn't live in your home, but they have access to 679 00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:48,040 your home through their children, you know, through the 680 00:40:48,040 --> 00:40:52,800 court system. So as someone that has to set 681 00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,760 boundaries, but boundaries look different for everyone with a 682 00:40:55,760 --> 00:40:59,840 different enneagram is there? Does that go again with the 683 00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:01,920 triad of like what our boundaries look like that are 684 00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:04,440 best for us? Just for like brief examples of 685 00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:07,720 how to how each stepmom can kind of figure out what might work 686 00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:11,720 for them in setting a boundary. Yeah. 687 00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:14,680 And again, it's it is going to be about like protecting your 688 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:18,360 heart, protecting your mind, protecting your body, etcetera. 689 00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:22,600 But it is also going to be unique to each situation and 690 00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:26,240 each individual, of course. But you know, those who struggle 691 00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:30,600 to set boundaries most often are going to be like your twos and 692 00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:34,640 your threes and your fours, again like in the heart triad. 693 00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:38,040 Because again, they're like, I want everybody to have access to 694 00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:41,360 like all of my feelings and all of my emotions. 695 00:41:41,360 --> 00:41:43,760 And I want to be in tune with your feelings and your emotions. 696 00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:46,720 And setting boundaries essentially like, you know, 697 00:41:46,920 --> 00:41:51,120 forces you to not do that. Whereas other types are going to 698 00:41:51,320 --> 00:41:54,040 like be much better at setting boundaries 5. 699 00:41:54,240 --> 00:41:57,320 Great at setting boundaries. Like you don't need to teach 700 00:41:57,320 --> 00:42:00,480 them how to do that. 8 The same like they have their own 701 00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:03,120 boundaries and everybody is aware of their boundaries. 702 00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:06,920 And so it really is going to depend on the person and the the 703 00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:08,640 type of boundary that's going to work for them. 704 00:42:08,960 --> 00:42:13,080 I want to know is there so you said we're born with these so 705 00:42:13,080 --> 00:42:17,400 obviously our kids and our step kids already have their any of 706 00:42:17,400 --> 00:42:20,040 grants. Is it easy to figure those out 707 00:42:20,080 --> 00:42:22,960 if we try and look at it? Because then we can understand 708 00:42:22,960 --> 00:42:25,000 our step kids too. And this could be like. 709 00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:26,320 Wouldn't that be amazing? I know. 710 00:42:27,520 --> 00:42:30,960 No, we can't, fortunately. Unfortunately, I'm going to give 711 00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:32,120 you an answer that you don't want to hear. 712 00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:37,640 So we have what we're seeing when we're looking at them are 713 00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:41,520 their behaviors, right? And so we don't know why it is 714 00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:47,400 that they do things until until they can have until they can 715 00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:49,720 answer that right. And like have the conversation 716 00:42:49,720 --> 00:42:52,720 themselves. I always use this example of my 717 00:42:52,720 --> 00:43:00,480 nephew, who you know, as a he's 9 now, but as a younger child 718 00:43:00,480 --> 00:43:04,680 would was very particular about his toys, like would line them 719 00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:08,680 up, hated making mistakes, was really hard on himself when he 720 00:43:08,680 --> 00:43:11,600 made mistakes. And so looking at that, I would 721 00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:15,840 be like, oh, he's a one like wants to be correct, right. 722 00:43:16,160 --> 00:43:19,360 But at the end of the day, like, I don't know, is he like that? 723 00:43:19,360 --> 00:43:22,560 Because he feels like other people want him to be like that 724 00:43:22,560 --> 00:43:24,600 and it's other people's expectations. 725 00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:29,480 Or is it because like that feels fun and exciting to him like A7 726 00:43:29,480 --> 00:43:31,720 or that helps him feel in control like an 8? 727 00:43:32,040 --> 00:43:34,480 And so at the end of the day, we don't know what their 728 00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:38,440 motivations are. I always say like the preteen 729 00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:42,400 age is when you can start to facilitate those conversations 730 00:43:42,680 --> 00:43:47,560 and ask them, you know, well, why do you, you know, not want 731 00:43:47,560 --> 00:43:50,040 to have that conversation with that person or, you know, have 732 00:43:50,040 --> 00:43:53,400 those more like entry conversations into the 733 00:43:53,400 --> 00:43:55,200 Enneagram. But I agree that it would be 734 00:43:55,200 --> 00:43:59,400 truly life changing. And I think about my own family 735 00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:02,360 and how there's so many of us and how. 736 00:44:02,960 --> 00:44:07,280 And it just would have given a language to our situation if we 737 00:44:07,280 --> 00:44:12,480 knew that my step mom was a one and my dad's a three and my 738 00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:17,360 mom's a three and my brothers are 7 and three. 739 00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:21,160 And if we had like a road map essentially to our family 740 00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:24,600 dynamics, which we do now, how much different it would have 741 00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:26,760 been back then. Wait real quick. 742 00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:29,760 Are these hereditary? Because technically, like our 743 00:44:29,760 --> 00:44:32,440 personalities are kind of hereditary, You know, I. 744 00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:36,560 Know, I know, yeah. But it's not unfortunately. 745 00:44:36,560 --> 00:44:38,120 I mean, I don't know, maybe fortunately. 746 00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:43,920 So we are going to close up a little bit. 747 00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:45,440 I have a listener question for you. 748 00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:48,520 But before we get to the listener question, it sounds 749 00:44:48,520 --> 00:44:51,440 like you have a lot of background just in psychology in 750 00:44:51,440 --> 00:44:54,800 general, you know, with your degrees and just with all the 751 00:44:54,800 --> 00:44:58,280 work that you do with people. If there was like one piece of 752 00:44:58,280 --> 00:45:01,960 advice that you could just give for stepmoms who might just be 753 00:45:01,960 --> 00:45:08,040 really struggling, you know, with, with calming their nervous 754 00:45:08,040 --> 00:45:11,960 system down, especially when those really high conflict 755 00:45:11,960 --> 00:45:15,040 situations happen with bio mom, what would you say to them? 756 00:45:16,880 --> 00:45:22,040 I would say that 90% of other people's reactions have nothing 757 00:45:22,040 --> 00:45:28,560 to do with you and to just simply remember that and to step 758 00:45:28,560 --> 00:45:34,480 away and recharge and come back believing that you are capable. 759 00:45:35,120 --> 00:45:39,760 That's so powerful, that in itself, and that goes for every 760 00:45:39,760 --> 00:45:43,120 enneagram. Yeah, every Enneagram needs to 761 00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:43,880 hear that. Likely. 762 00:45:46,360 --> 00:45:49,560 That's great. So we do have a member and she 763 00:45:49,560 --> 00:45:53,800 says that she is a three. So like me, she thinks that her 764 00:45:53,800 --> 00:45:57,880 stepdaughter is a nine, she said. 765 00:45:57,960 --> 00:46:03,000 How does she coexist with her stepdaughter if her you know 766 00:46:03,240 --> 00:46:07,080 hypothesis is indeed correct that her stepdaughter is a nine? 767 00:46:08,040 --> 00:46:13,160 Yeah, so threes and nines essentially are like pretty 768 00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:15,600 opposite in behavior. But what's interesting is that 769 00:46:15,600 --> 00:46:18,920 they're connected. So like threes when they're 770 00:46:18,920 --> 00:46:22,680 stressed can look like a nine and nines when they're really 771 00:46:22,680 --> 00:46:26,880 healthy can look like a three. But it can be difficult because 772 00:46:26,880 --> 00:46:30,320 threes are like highly motivated and driven and this desire to 773 00:46:30,320 --> 00:46:35,040 succeed, whereas nines can be a little bit more sloth like and, 774 00:46:35,080 --> 00:46:39,120 you know, easygoing and just take things as they come and go 775 00:46:39,120 --> 00:46:41,480 with the flow. And so that can kind of 776 00:46:41,480 --> 00:46:44,280 contradict what the three is about when the three is about 777 00:46:44,280 --> 00:46:49,040 like movement and efficiency. And the 9 is like, I'll get to 778 00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:52,800 it when I get to it. And so simply understanding, but 779 00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:56,960 giving space for opportunities for encouragement. 780 00:46:57,600 --> 00:47:00,600 Sometimes nines just need to know that like they're doing a 781 00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:03,560 great job, that their opinion matters, that what they're doing 782 00:47:03,560 --> 00:47:05,680 matters, and that will help them. 783 00:47:05,680 --> 00:47:09,320 I always explain it as like 9. Sometimes just need like a 784 00:47:09,320 --> 00:47:13,840 gentle push to get started and then that will propel them into 785 00:47:14,360 --> 00:47:16,520 kind of being very similar to a three. 786 00:47:17,600 --> 00:47:21,720 That's so interesting. Well, thank you so much for 787 00:47:21,720 --> 00:47:24,920 today. This was so interesting and 788 00:47:24,920 --> 00:47:28,760 enlightening for us. Before you go though, where can 789 00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:32,560 people find you? You know, do you have a website, 790 00:47:32,560 --> 00:47:36,680 Instagram, all that good stuff? Yes, you can check me out on 791 00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:44,440 Instagram at Enneagram. Ashton, it's ENNEAGRAMASHTON 792 00:47:44,840 --> 00:47:48,240 website is the same. I'd love to support you, hear 793 00:47:48,240 --> 00:47:50,080 from you, let me know how I can help. 794 00:47:52,080 --> 00:47:56,440 I think maybe we'll, we do need to look into having you join us 795 00:47:56,440 --> 00:48:00,120 maybe inside the membership for like AQ and a or something so 796 00:48:00,120 --> 00:48:03,800 that's our members can ask like us, like how we're like, how do 797 00:48:03,800 --> 00:48:06,560 we deal with. And then if maybe our husbands 798 00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:10,880 in the membership can kind of figure out and we can help 799 00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:13,000 marriages this way, we might be on to something. 800 00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:16,400 But everyone stay tuned. Ashton, I loved having you here. 801 00:48:16,400 --> 00:48:19,960 I appreciate you so much. Yes, thank you so much for 802 00:48:19,960 --> 00:48:24,160 having me. Thank you, we will talk to all 803 00:48:24,160 --> 00:48:27,040 you stepmoms soon. Bye bye bye. 804 00:48:27,480 --> 00:48:29,760 That's it for this week on Stepmom side Chats. 805 00:48:29,920 --> 00:48:33,760 We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties before you go. 806 00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:37,400 If something we said hit a little close to home, go ahead 807 00:48:37,400 --> 00:48:41,480 and hit Follow now so you don't miss future episodes and share 808 00:48:41,480 --> 00:48:43,120 with another stepmom to help us grow. 809 00:48:43,480 --> 00:48:46,520 If you want to connect between episodes, follow us on Instagram 810 00:48:46,600 --> 00:48:49,640 Stepmomsidechats and send us what you want us to chat about 811 00:48:49,640 --> 00:48:51,480 next. Keep giving yourself grace. 812 00:48:51,480 --> 00:48:52,760 You're doing better than you think. 813 00:48:53,040 --> 00:48:54,280 We'll chat with you all soon.