Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats.
We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms.
Who are done pretending everything's perfect.
This is where we talk boundaries, Co parenting, hard
truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud.
If you're ready for real talk, real growth.
And a little. Bit of spice, let's get into it.
Good morning everyone. Happy Tuesday to those who
celebrate, because this episode's coming out on a
Tuesday, OK? Hey everyone, welcome back to
another episode of Stepmom Side Chats.
We are so, so excited today. I'm really excited to learn all
about this. Today we're joined by Ashton.
She's an anagram speaker and a coach.
She helps individuals and teams grow through deeper
self-awareness. We're really excited to talk
with her today about how the anagram can really help stepmoms
better understand themselves, their own triggers,
communication styles, and relationship dynamics inside
blended families. So without further ado, can you
go ahead, tell us a little bit about yourself, your background,
and how you got started with Anagram.
Yeah, so I'm super excited to be here.
Thanks so much for having me, and I can't wait to have this
conversation with both of you. But hey, everyone, my name is
Ashton, and I have my bachelor's and master's degree in
psychology. And so that's where I first
discovered the Enneagram and really just became obsessed with
it because I saw how we can better understand not just
ourselves, but other people. I am a self-proclaimed
relationship enthusiast and so I just love relationships.
I love the connections that we can have with one another and I
love when, you know, obviously those are healthy relationships.
And so the best way to have healthy relationships is to
understand each other better. And the Enneagram kind of gives
you a voice to be able to do that.
Aside from that, I'm a mom of two littles.
I have a three-year old and a five year old and a husband.
I love to read and walk and I am in central PA where it's still
cold but hopefully when this episode comes out it will start
warming up for us. OK, wait, you said Enneagram.
I cannot believe we both have been saying it wrong, Becca.
Well, I'm shocked that I've been saying it wrong, so I trust you.
It's Enneagram. Yeah.
Enneagram. OK.
It's a hard work. It's a hard work.
And when I first started talking to people about it, you know,
they would just, like, stare at me like I had like a third eye
in the forehead, in my forehead. Like what are you talking about?
Naturally. Sure, sure, sure.
So OK, I just to brief you, I know you're aware that this is a
Stepmom page, stepmom podcast. The reason I love any grams is
because I really think, like you said, it does help us all
understand each other. But what stepmoms deal with a
lot is once they get into this role, we don't understand
ourselves. We don't understand why we can't
handle a little, you know, bad back talk from someone that's
not our kid, but it's kind of our kid.
We don't understand why we can't handle certain triggers and when
we're like quote UN quote coaching other stepmoms, it's
hard to unless we know a lot of background about the person.
And I think for me, I always want to know like people's
enneagrams. So I want to know though, do you
have any kind of stepmom like blended family dynamic or
background? Yeah, so I have a stepmom and a
stepdad and two step brothers that we don't really call step
brothers. Like they're just my brothers.
Yes, love that we talked about that too.
And they have been in my life since I was five years old, so
I've known them a very, very long time.
And you know, as a child growing up, you experience a lot of
different changes in yourself. And so those relationships have
changed a lot as well. So I definitely consider
ourselves to have a really great blended family.
We all are married and all have kids.
And so like, we are just a big family and I'm feel very lucky
for that reason. But also, you know, experienced
a lot of different relationship dynamics with all of that
growing up. OK, that's so interesting.
That's amazing to hear though, because I think we all worry
that our step kids are going to end up like with issues or you
know, they're not going to have relationship issues or they're
not going to be able to handle, you know, relationships because
they've seen divorce and stuff. So that's amazing to hear that
first of all, you came out on the other side for all of us and
our step kids and that you have your own stepmom experience as
not being one, but having one. So love that.
And we definitely need to have you on since you're a
relationship expert, any of us that mom, I want to know how
that you went through all that. But so OK, let's dig into like
enneagrams. Just if you want to tell us
first, how did you get into this?
How did you become like as obsessed as I am?
What what got you deep into this realm of relationships?
Like I said, as soon as I discovered what the Enneagram
was, I was totally obsessed with it because I think I was like,
oh, you know, everybody's heard of Myers Briggs and strength
finders and disc assessment. And those are also really great
tools, but they're more so focused on your behaviors.
And the Enneagram instead is focused on why you do things the
way that you do that. And so it gives you a better
understanding, like you were saying before about, you know,
yourself. And why is it that I shy away
from conflict or why is it that I, you know, get sweaty palms
when somebody wants to have a confrontation or, you know, why
are those things happening versus just the behavior itself?
And that just like kind of set off a light bulb for me and I
just wanted to like share it with the world.
I was like, I need to share it with the world.
And so I was January of 2019 and January 1st, so New Year's Day,
New Year, New May, I was driving home from a trip with my entire
extended extended family and was like saying to my fiance, he we
weren't married at the time. I think I'm going to like create
this Instagram account just to like share what I'm learning
with other people. And then from there it kind of
just blew up. And so somebody asked me
yesterday, like, did you go into this business with like planning
this to be a business? And no, I was working a full
time job, like totally content in my job and several months
later I was hitting like 30,000 followers, 40,000 followers and
people were asking me how do I figure out what my enneagram
type is? And I said to my then husband
Derek or my then fiance, my now husband Derek, I said, I think
that this is like becoming a thing and I think I need to
pursue it. And so I up until that point,
I've always worked in the realm of healthy relationships.
So I was working in the field of domestic violence and sexual
assault prevention, teaching other people how to have healthy
relationships. And so it was very natural for
me to be like, oh, this is just another tool.
But I never thought that it would become like what I was
doing for my entire, but I just felt like this need to, I mean,
I'm a two, I'm a helper if you know anything about the twos.
Yet I felt this need to like help other people.
I'm like, I have this tool and I have this knowledge and I need
to share it with other people. And so I went and became trained
to be able to do so. And then the rest is kind of
history. So I want to maybe ask you so
for like Becca and I, for instance, do you think that
there's a certain we fit into a perfect yin and Yang?
We are polar opposite in a perfect match.
Like we would be like the perfect husband and wife
relationship, I swear. But is are there sides of the
anagram that kind of like connect like that, that are like
polar opposites and but a perfect match kind of situation?
Does it work like that? Not really.
So people ask me all the time about compatibility.
They're like, I need to know, you know, what type works the
best with me. And it's really about
understanding the two individual types and how they work
together. So I don't know your types yet,
which is fun for me to not now, but let's say that we have like
a three and a six or something. It's not that like 3 and a six
is a great combination. It's how does what are the
tendencies of a three that could make this a healthy relationship
with the six? What are their areas that they
need to look out for And then taking that awareness into, you
know, other aspects of your life.
OK, So in regards to the Enneagram, do you think anything
is especially helpful in relationships and family
dynamics in regards to like, because I know with each number
comes like a great length of, you know, knowledge into that
person, but what part of it really ties into like a
relationship and those dynamics? All of it really.
So, you know, let's say that you have, you know, three people in
your family and you're all different Enneagram types.
The way that you view the world is going to be through the lens
of that Enneagram type. So your Enneagram type is
made-up of your biggest motivations, like I said, and
your biggest motivations are made-up of your biggest fears
and your biggest desires. And So what everybody fears is
going to be going to then directly influence their
behaviors, right? And so it's important to, you
know, let's say you have three people, four people in your
family and everybody's fearing something different.
And then therefore everybody's behaving in a different way.
And it's, you know, important that to, to understand why it
is. So I'll give you an example.
I'll use my spouse. So I'm a 2 and my spouse is a
six. So 6 is their biggest fear is
fear itself and not feeling like prepared or like there's a plan
or not, you know, feeling like they are secure.
Me as a two, my biggest fear is being unloved or unwanted or not
needed. And so I know that I can't dump
on him like, hey, we're going to go to the zoo tomorrow and like
you're expected to come because his biggest fear is not being
prepared for something. Or I can't be like, hey, we
should put an offer in on the House, like next week, let's go
do that because he needs that time to process.
And so that simple act of like understanding that Will is going
to then direct my communication and the way that I interact with
those people. OK, for anyone that doesn't know
they're any grim yet, what you just go through all the numbers,
just go start with one and just a brief, tell them like the
enthusiasts, you know, the loyalists, give us the name.
And then like a real brief, like what it is so that anyone right
now, while they're locating, can figure out who they are before
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Yeah, absolutely. So the one is the reformer.
So their biggest fear is being seen as a bad person or doing
something wrong or being unethical or just doing the
wrong thing. And then their biggest desire is
to be seen as a good person, to be moral, ethical, right, to do
the right thing, to be correct. The two is the helper, like I
shared before. So their biggest fear is being
unloved, unwanted, not being needed, not being appreciated.
And then their biggest desire is to be loved and wanted and
appreciated and needed by others.
The three is the achiever. So their biggest fear tends to
be failure, but they also fear being seen as incapable or
incompetent or inefficient because of that failure.
And then their biggest desire is success.
So they do want to have success, but they want to be seen as
valuable and be respected because of that success.
The four is the individualist, so their biggest fear is that
something is inherently wrong with them, that they're
defective, they're insignificant, whereas their
biggest desire is to be seen as unique or special or
significant. So we're just set apart a little
bit. The five is the investigator.
Stereotypically, they're going to be the ones that are the most
introverted of all of the types. So their biggest fear tends to
be having their personal space or resources depleted, which
again sounds a lot like an introvert.
They also fear not knowing something or being seen as
ignorant. Their biggest desire then is to
have knowledge, so to be knowledgeable and to be seen as
competent and capable because of what they know, and then to also
be able to share that knowledge with other people.
The six is the loyalist. So their biggest fear, like I
mentioned before, is fear itself, but it kind of looks
like being without support or guidance or security.
And then their biggest desire is to feel safe and supported and
to be just secure in whatever they do.
The seven is the enthusiast, so they are stereotypically going
to be the most extroverted of all of the types.
And so their biggest fear, they do have a lot of FOMO.
So they do have that fear of missing out, but then they also
fear being trapped in any sort of negativity or pain or
anything that could hold them down or hold them back.
And then their biggest desire is to have fun.
But ultimately they are seeking contentment and everything that
they do. So they want to be content
eights. They're the challenger.
Their biggest fear tends to be being seen as weak or powerless
or controlled in some way. And then their biggest desire is
to protect themselves and other people.
Typically this looks like people that they feel need to be
protected, like they're people or vulnerable populations.
Like they just want to make sure that people that don't have a
voice are spoken for. And then nines, they're the
peacemaker. So their biggest fear tends to
be conflict. But that doesn't mean that other
types don't also fear conflict. It's just for nines, it makes up
their main motivation and then their biggest desire is to
maintain a peaceful environment for themselves and for the
people around them. And then explain, isn't there
like a wing where you kind of can revert to one that's on
either side of your number or something?
Yeah. So your wings are the number on
either side of your main type. So most people will assume,
unless they know this, they'll assume that your wing is your
second highest score on a test. My thoughts on tests in general,
since I'm here, I'll just say it.
They're a great place to start, but they aren't always that
accurate. And that's because we answer
questions based on how we want to be perceived.
Even if we say we're not doing that, it's we're human and also
we answer questions based on our behaviors and we know that the
Enneagram is about your motivations.
So sure, take them. Take a test that will give you
like the probability of your results, maybe in like a pie
chart form where it shows you that one, three and eight are
your biggest pie slices. And then it's really up to you
to sit and see what resonates with you.
But people don't like that because they want other people
to tell them you know what their type is and instead of having to
do the work themselves. But it's so worth it to be able
to do the work yourselves. But similarly, the wings are
going to always be next to your type.
So I am A2, like I mentioned before, my wings are a one and a
three. Most people will say that they
have a wing that is stronger than the other one.
I have a 2 with a strong three wing, but that doesn't mean that
my other wing doesn't exist. And those are the things that
can fluctuate. Whereas your main type will
always stay the same. Your type is actually with you
from birth. It's more of that nature versus
nurture, and that's why you should be able to look back on
life experiences and see how your type showed up in those
experiences versus those experiences dictating what your
type actually is. So I say this all the time, but
actually with my parents divorced when I was 5, the way
that I, you know, kind of went through that process as a 2
looked very, very different than my sister who went through that
process as an 8. And so that's why you should be
able to look back on those experiences and see how that
showed up. But the purpose of your wings is
to just you pull characteristics from them.
And so it kind of just makes you who you are.
Like a 2 with A3 wing like myself is going to look a little
bit different than a 2 with A1 wing.
Yeah, I think that is so fascinating.
But I do think that that makes a lot of sense because some people
will say like, it's it's not like a horoscope, you know, it's
not something where like, oh, all of these kind of apply to
me. Not when you look into your
motivations, like your cause for doing something and then how you
react to stuff. But I do think like you kind of
mentioned as we go through things that are like more
traumatizing or if you're in like a heated, you know, time in
your life or this chapter is more strenuous.
Yeah, you do kind of fluctuate between those wings.
And I think that's why when you take some of the tests, they
show like they're they're. Larger on one side and so like
for stepmoms, for example, we go through a lot of like high
conflict moments and these just kind of pop out of nowhere.
So it's like that spontaneous activity from an uncontrolled
source that we like we have no control over.
That's really hard for every stepmom and how we react to it,
like what our motivations are in the end for the the answer that
returns to, you know, the court system or bio mom.
I think that all comes from our numbers are Enneagram.
So tell me like is there can you group the numbers at all?
Like how do we say like first stepmoms that say my number is
the in the one twos and threes and fours or something?
Are do any of them kind of have the same initial reaction to
stress and high complex situations or is there a way to
say like these numbers kind of do it this way?
Yeah. So that's a really great
question. So there is something called the
triads. And so the Enneagram is split up
into three different triads that have three types that have some
shared similarities. So twos, threes and fours are in
what we call the heart triad. So they're going, their
responses are going to be a little bit more emotional.
So when you think about like high conflict or something like
that, they're going to lead with their heart and their emotions
1st and then they all have a shared characteristic of shame.
So for twos, it's like, am I doing enough for other people or
like am I contributing enough or helping enough?
For threes, it's am I like achieving enough or am I like
the best of the best, you know? And then for fours, it's just
like, am I enough as who I am? And then two threes and fours
also really want to create significance.
Five sixes and sevens are in what we call the head triad.
So all of their responses are going to be very head and
thinking focus. So they're going to need time to
process, to think things through, to come up with a
decision or an answer, etcetera. They have a shared
characteristic of fear. So fives, it's that fear of
their resources being depleted. Sixes it's that main connection
with fear and then sevens, it's that fear of being trapped in
like negativity or emotional pain or anything that could hold
them back. And then they just all want to
feel like secure. And then eights Nines and ones
they're in what we call the gut triad and their response is
going to be more like gut focus. So like action based, they all
have the unique struggle of anger.
It just presents itself differently.
So eights anger is just like a natural emotional expression.
They don't really think much about it.
It's like happiness, sadness, anger for nines.
They'll bury it and then it'll present as being passive
aggressive or they could blow up.
And then for once they'll say I'm not angry, I'm annoyed or
I'm frustrated or I'm disappointed.
And to the rest of us were like, no, you're angry.
But to them they're like, no, I'm frustrated or I'm
disappointed. And so the wording of that
matters. And then they all eights, nines
and ones are all very justice focused and justice oriented.
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big ass feelings. This is so interesting for me
because I have, yeah, I have no experience with this whatsoever.
So I'm interested to see what you would think about, I guess
Alyssa and Eyes and how that might like align to us being a
stepmom. I'm not sure.
So also just to backtrack a little bit, if you had to like
guess someone's, are you able to do that in a certain amount of
time? Like let's say you've spent 30
minutes with us now, can you be like, you know what?
I think Becca is this or I think Alyssa is this?
Like are you able to tell someone's when you meet them or
how does that she's? Not unfortunately.
Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes if the right questions
are asked, but when we make assumptions about other people,
we are doing that based on their behaviors and not their
motivations. And so like you could be looking
at somebody who is a great leader and they take charge and
they're very decisive and action focused and make the assumption
like they look like they're an 8.
But at the end of the day, we don't know why they're quick to
make decisions or why they're action focused.
I think we wish that we could figure out what all of the bio
moms and Eagrams are so that we could kind of understand where
they're coming from with some of like the hostility or anger, you
know, or whatever it is or and then like because stepmoms do
actually have good in them. They're not all evil.
And if we could like it's like the help me help you thing, you
know, like what is your enneagram?
I'll understand you and then I can accept you a little bit more
and not take things personally. But yeah, it does come down to a
lot on our own. So should we tell you what we
are? Yeah.
Or is it? I do want to, so I usually try
to pick up on it when I'm going through the types because I was
watching facial expressions. To see.
Yeah, we were smiling. Yeah, I have ideas, but I would
love to hear what your type is. So I'm A6 wing 7, but everyone
guesses that I'm A7 when they meet me.
So I'm like, maybe you know, the test like you said is wrong or I
took it at a bad time once. And this is like old because and
I know they don't change but yeah.
But I think I used to think a lot of my past made me a six,
but I guess that's just who I am, unfortunately.
It probably like heightened it, you know, like it probably just.
Yeah. Intensified the six
characteristic. And I think it's really hard
being a stepmom as a six. Like if I knew I was a six and I
knew about enneagrams before I got married, I probably
wouldn't. But I think I'm a 7 and that's
why I am a stepmom too. Like I want to be inclusive.
I like I always am. Like I want to I tell my
daughter she's 3 and I'm like, I am Ariel the mermaid.
I want to be where the people are.
We're always like if we're on a trip, we're like, let's go to
the restaurant and just see be with all the people I have.
I live in FOMO. You live in.
FOMO. I'm a three with a wing 2 so I I
honestly am so brand new to this I don't even know what that
means. Like I just know that I'm mostly
so. Funny because didn't I give
three and six as like an example?
Yes. So we were texting each other
and I was like, aren't you a three?
I'm a six and. It's so funny.
So maybe I am a fortune teller. You are.
Yeah, Yeah.
That's so funny. So the thing about 6 and I want
to go back to you for a minute and Alyssa with like the six and
the seven because they are next to each other.
And so you are correct that one would be your wing, but sixes
with A7 wing are actually called the buddy.
And so even though, like you said, you have a lot of seven
characteristics, that still can absolutely be true with six
being your main motivation. And so it's like, is your main
motivation that you want to feel safe and secure and seek
guidance from other people or is it to have fun?
And is it like, I want to have fun, but it at the root of it is
like I want to do that because it helps me feel secure.
Then it's like you're in the six, you know?
Oh boy, yeah, little tidbit, Becca and I go way back 16 years
or something to we were freshmen roommates ish.
We kind of we were in the same dorm together, but and we were
like, but I think I dragged Becca around to the.
Party so. I hate going out.
I hated going out. I would sit in my dorm rooms and
and Alyssa's like, Nope, it's time to go.
Come on, we're going to go tanning.
We're going to go do this and my.
Tanning beds. Oh my gosh.
Yeah. Like leave me alone.
So, yeah, but we definitely, it's that kind of friendship
where and I haven't found that that often because usually I
everyone I hang out with loves to be involved with a lot of
people too. So but then you all kind of like
are talking over each other all the time.
Also, it's maybe they were not all like chatty, but it's, I
think that's part of it going to be with people.
So but yeah, I have a, I have a hard time with feeling safe and
secure in my current state because there's a lot of, you
know, vulnerabilities that come with being a stepmom.
We have a lot of legal issues with the bio mom.
And then just kind of feeling like a stranger in my own home
is really discomforting. And so that's really hard for
me. But The thing is that's hard for
a lot of stepmoms. So after you dive into Becca's
number, I kind of want to touch on that.
So just remind me. I want to, you know, that's a
big issue for stepmoms of how to figure out yourself and, you
know, put yourself back in your home and find yourself.
Yeah, so as the three, you know, and I kind of assumed you are
three because when I said like the fear of failure, your face
was like. I want to like be the best in
everything, like, and I want to be the most valued.
And so it was really interesting when you said something along
the lines of, I think you said something like they want to be
the best. And I feel like even being a
stepmom going back to that, that connection of it is that I, and
I know I will never be bio mom and I'm not trying to be, but
it's like the subconscious parts of me I'm like, Nope, I'm the
best. I'm doing this.
So I'm just kind of interested to see your perspective on that
and how it all correlates together.
Yeah, and it's a threes in general, 2 are a little bit
competitive. And so I'm sure that there's
like some competitive pieces that come into play there too of
like, you know, that you don't need to compete for like their
love or their, you know, appreciation or whatever.
But or than that like it's not possible to compete at times,
but that's always going to be there in the back of your head.
Is there a way to like combat that or is it just like it is
the way it is like that's what I'm so interested with with all
of this. It's like, so once you know your
type, like can I help myself? Can other stepmoms who might be
a three help themselves when it comes to that competitive nature
that we're in? Because like you said, like I
think most stepmoms become really self aware really quick
because we have to. And it's like, I know that
biologically my step kids are always going to want their bio
mom. So why do I compete?
Why do I have this competitive nature and what can I do to like
maybe mitigate it? Or is that not even possible?
Yeah. So you can definitely like the
first step is obviously going to be awareness, like you know that
you do that. And so the hope is that when you
feel it coming up and as the three like you're in that
feeling area, when you feel it coming up, that you stop it,
right. And say like, oh, I'm doing this
because I feel like I need to be the best or I'm doing this
because I want to be valued, but I'm valued in all of these other
ways instead. So there's definitely a way to
combat it. There's also a little sliver of
possibility that, you know, it is who you are.
And The thing is that this is how we've been for our entire
lives. And so it's going to take a
really long time to be able to shed those layers away and and
change the way that we've always done things.
So I want to dig into a few questions kind of like I talked
about of how stepmoms feel like, you know, their guests in their
own home and things like how we disengage.
But maybe since there's so many types, could we do it based on
the triads kind of. And so if anyone knows, then
that's listening and they can kind of pinpoint which one they
fall into. So for sure, when we feel like a
guest in our own home, I've heard from a lot of the members
in our membership saying that they have different things.
Like some of them don't allow the step kids into their
bedroom, into their like master bedroom.
Some of them like me, we do like a retreat.
Like you step away when you start getting heated and then
you have like your space and you feel like yourself again.
You don't come back until you're so like with that visualization
and that kind of scenario, can you, and I know you're not a
stepmom, but knowing all those types and you had a stepmom and
what do you think, how do these three different triads kind of
fall into that category? What's the best way for them to
like recoup in that situation? Or any like advice you have for
a suffering? Yeah, I'm suffering.
I hate that you're suffering, but so let's start with the
heart like we did before. So they're going to take
everything to heart, right? So like everything that is said,
they're going to like really internalize those words or those
feelings. And So what we want to do, like
with all of these is to step out of that.
And so for twos, threes and fours, being in the heart triad,
like it is about maintaining and creating your own boundaries.
So like, what are your boundaries that will help you to
protect your heart, right? Because we're trying to like
protect our heart and protect our feelings and to, you know,
even just to have these affirmations and standing solid
and who you are and not how other people are going to
explain who you are, you know, and that's because for that, for
this group, like again, they do take everything very much to
their heart and internalize their feelings.
So then the five, the six and the seven, you know, they're
going to be the ones that are head focused and so they need
time to process. So whatever that looks like for
them to be able to step away, take the time to think about
what they're going to say or how they're going to react, what
they're going to do. Sometimes even like activities
that will help you get out of your head.
So like journaling or yoga or like going on walks or something
like that, that will help you to slow down and think things
through 1st. And that's like, for instance,
for the listeners, we're making a retreat guide in the
membership and you don't have to be a member to get it.
You can download it. It's like a one time purchase
too. But that's going to be it talks
about how to remove yourself from the situation before things
get too heated or before you get to like an arced or an arced or
annoyed. So yeah, I think that that's
great for that bubble. OK, so for the last triad.
And then the eights, nines and ones with the exception of the
nines, you'll I'll come back to the nines because they're kind
of your own separate group, but the eights and the ones they are
very reactionary. So they are going to react to a
situation. So if it's something that's
heated, like they're giving it back to you.
And so for them as well, like they also need to take time and
process, but it's going to be different.
Whereas they have that like anger and that action, they need
to put that action into doing something else.
So going to the gym or you know, going to talk with, talk about
it with a friend, like doing something that is going to like
replace their action into doing something else.
The nines where I was saying I was going to come back to the
nines is they're an anomaly because they are, like I said,
the peacemaker. And so even though they're in
that 891 triad where they like take action, it's typically
delayed action or their action looks like letting somebody else
do it for them or like somebody else's opinions.
I'll come before their own opinions.
And So what they need to be aware of is that they're not
getting walked all over because that is very commonly what
happens to nines. And so yes, they're still action
focused. They're still on that gut triad.
They likely need to still remove themselves and process, but it's
just going to look a little bit different because they're more
delayed in their responses. That is so interesting and
insightful, so thank you. I'm so excited.
Go listen to this episode myself.
So a lot of stepmoms are people pleasers by nature and they
overcompensate, they over function.
So what types do you think are more prone to these behaviors?
And then, you know, oftentimes the stepmoms who are in this
category, they feel resentful later.
So which types do you think kind of fall into that category more
strongly than others? So anybody can be a people
pleaser, right? Anybody can be resentful.
It's just the why behind that, right?
So are, you know, I would say stereotypically like twos and
threes and sixes and nines, like those are your people pleasers
in general. But the reason why they feel the
need to be people pleasers is different.
Like twos, they are people pleasers because they want
people to like them and love them.
And so I'm going to, you know, do what I have to do to make
that happen. So but even, you know, a number
that I didn't like, I didn't say 7, right?
But they could be people pleasers if they are trying to
like keep things light and airy and like not negative and more
like optimistic. And so anybody can be a people
pleaser. It's just going to relate back
to that motivation. The types that are typically not
people pleasers are like your fives and your eights.
Like they don't care as much as. Some of the other types about
like what people think about them, resentment is going to
show up a lot for like those in the anger or the gut triad
because of like that connection to resentment and anger.
But anybody can experience resentment if their needs aren't
being met and like let's think about those needs and how you
know each individual types going to be different.
Yeah, it's so deep. It's like it just goes on and on
and on. And then you look into their
needs and how those are met. And then each one has its own
different types of needs. And can you pinpoint, like for
boundaries, it's obviously hard to set boundaries with another
person that doesn't live in your home, but they have access to
your home through their children, you know, through the
court system. So as someone that has to set
boundaries, but boundaries look different for everyone with a
different enneagram is there? Does that go again with the
triad of like what our boundaries look like that are
best for us? Just for like brief examples of
how to how each stepmom can kind of figure out what might work
for them in setting a boundary. Yeah.
And again, it's it is going to be about like protecting your
heart, protecting your mind, protecting your body, etcetera.
But it is also going to be unique to each situation and
each individual, of course. But you know, those who struggle
to set boundaries most often are going to be like your twos and
your threes and your fours, again like in the heart triad.
Because again, they're like, I want everybody to have access to
like all of my feelings and all of my emotions.
And I want to be in tune with your feelings and your emotions.
And setting boundaries essentially like, you know,
forces you to not do that. Whereas other types are going to
like be much better at setting boundaries 5.
Great at setting boundaries. Like you don't need to teach
them how to do that. 8 The same like they have their own
boundaries and everybody is aware of their boundaries.
And so it really is going to depend on the person and the the
type of boundary that's going to work for them.
I want to know is there so you said we're born with these so
obviously our kids and our step kids already have their any of
grants. Is it easy to figure those out
if we try and look at it? Because then we can understand
our step kids too. And this could be like.
Wouldn't that be amazing? I know.
No, we can't, fortunately. Unfortunately, I'm going to give
you an answer that you don't want to hear.
So we have what we're seeing when we're looking at them are
their behaviors, right? And so we don't know why it is
that they do things until until they can have until they can
answer that right. And like have the conversation
themselves. I always use this example of my
nephew, who you know, as a he's 9 now, but as a younger child
would was very particular about his toys, like would line them
up, hated making mistakes, was really hard on himself when he
made mistakes. And so looking at that, I would
be like, oh, he's a one like wants to be correct, right.
But at the end of the day, like, I don't know, is he like that?
Because he feels like other people want him to be like that
and it's other people's expectations.
Or is it because like that feels fun and exciting to him like A7
or that helps him feel in control like an 8?
And so at the end of the day, we don't know what their
motivations are. I always say like the preteen
age is when you can start to facilitate those conversations
and ask them, you know, well, why do you, you know, not want
to have that conversation with that person or, you know, have
those more like entry conversations into the
Enneagram. But I agree that it would be
truly life changing. And I think about my own family
and how there's so many of us and how.
And it just would have given a language to our situation if we
knew that my step mom was a one and my dad's a three and my
mom's a three and my brothers are 7 and three.
And if we had like a road map essentially to our family
dynamics, which we do now, how much different it would have
been back then. Wait real quick.
Are these hereditary? Because technically, like our
personalities are kind of hereditary, You know, I.
Know, I know, yeah. But it's not unfortunately.
I mean, I don't know, maybe fortunately.
So we are going to close up a little bit.
I have a listener question for you.
But before we get to the listener question, it sounds
like you have a lot of background just in psychology in
general, you know, with your degrees and just with all the
work that you do with people. If there was like one piece of
advice that you could just give for stepmoms who might just be
really struggling, you know, with, with calming their nervous
system down, especially when those really high conflict
situations happen with bio mom, what would you say to them?
I would say that 90% of other people's reactions have nothing
to do with you and to just simply remember that and to step
away and recharge and come back believing that you are capable.
That's so powerful, that in itself, and that goes for every
enneagram. Yeah, every Enneagram needs to
hear that. Likely.
That's great. So we do have a member and she
says that she is a three. So like me, she thinks that her
stepdaughter is a nine, she said.
How does she coexist with her stepdaughter if her you know
hypothesis is indeed correct that her stepdaughter is a nine?
Yeah, so threes and nines essentially are like pretty
opposite in behavior. But what's interesting is that
they're connected. So like threes when they're
stressed can look like a nine and nines when they're really
healthy can look like a three. But it can be difficult because
threes are like highly motivated and driven and this desire to
succeed, whereas nines can be a little bit more sloth like and,
you know, easygoing and just take things as they come and go
with the flow. And so that can kind of
contradict what the three is about when the three is about
like movement and efficiency. And the 9 is like, I'll get to
it when I get to it. And so simply understanding, but
giving space for opportunities for encouragement.
Sometimes nines just need to know that like they're doing a
great job, that their opinion matters, that what they're doing
matters, and that will help them.
I always explain it as like 9. Sometimes just need like a
gentle push to get started and then that will propel them into
kind of being very similar to a three.
That's so interesting. Well, thank you so much for
today. This was so interesting and
enlightening for us. Before you go though, where can
people find you? You know, do you have a website,
Instagram, all that good stuff? Yes, you can check me out on
Instagram at Enneagram. Ashton, it's ENNEAGRAMASHTON
website is the same. I'd love to support you, hear
from you, let me know how I can help.
I think maybe we'll, we do need to look into having you join us
maybe inside the membership for like AQ and a or something so
that's our members can ask like us, like how we're like, how do
we deal with. And then if maybe our husbands
in the membership can kind of figure out and we can help
marriages this way, we might be on to something.
But everyone stay tuned. Ashton, I loved having you here.
I appreciate you so much. Yes, thank you so much for
having me. Thank you, we will talk to all
you stepmoms soon. Bye bye bye.
That's it for this week on Stepmom side Chats.
We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties before you go.
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