Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats.
We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms.
Who are done pretending everything's perfect.
This is where we talk boundaries, Co parenting, hard
truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud.
If you're ready for real talk, real growth and a little.
Bit of spice. Let's get into it.
Happy Thursday. Welcome to the podcast,
everyone. Well.
It will be Tuesday when you guys are listening.
Happy. Tuesday and Transition day to
all that per take. Oh my gosh.
Oh, I forgot to tell you. So my brother-in-law, he listens
to this, which I'm kind of like just don't, but he's going to
laugh when he hears this. But he's like, I didn't even
know what a transition day was. I was like, oh, it's.
Like, OK, just leave it at that. Just never don't worry about it.
You're in a happy place if you don't know.
No, he's a step dad. Wait, I didn't know that either.
That your brother was a stepdad. No, my brother-in-law.
So my brother is a stepdad but he has like a full time stepdad
so he doesn't really get transition days.
So I don't understand. Right, there's, Well, let's get
him on because I want to talk to Stepdads and I want to nail it
to them. You do not deal with what we
deal with. Yeah, let's go through that.
That's season 2. OK, everyone, this is the final
episode for this quote UN quote season reason.
We're going to take a few weeks off for a little breaky break,
but we are going to be live and well in the membership.
So that's when we'll be doing some lives one-on-one.
We're going to be hitting it hard.
So if you're not part of the stepmom community there, please
reach out to us join, you know, see what if you have some issues
joining, let us know and we can help you with that.
But if you guys can't tell, we are like energized, caffeinated
and ready to go. This week's episode is just,
it's going to be off the wall like batshit.
Becca and Alyssa. And let me start by saying,
Becca, I put on some lipstick. This is a lip plumper.
So I'm sitting here. My lips are like on fire.
Really. Is it working?
Let me see is it working? You tell me.
I didn't know. I just wanted something, so I
looked fresh as a Daisy. For instance, we're recording
this one and I'm sitting here. Really.
Shows a Daisy for sure. But now it looks really.
These things, you know, I just feel bad.
You were. Raised in a home.
You were raised in a home that didn't have all these stupid
sayings. Is it like from?
Is it from like your mom, your stepfather for?
Sure, that was Jenny for sure. Jenny, bless Jenny's heart.
Yes, Johnny, we're going to keep it fun for you all today.
Yes, we are. Do you want to let a little bit
of the listeners know what they're going to be experiencing
today? We're going to do a little bit
of Would you rather? This is taking it back to when
Becca and I were in college and we would play Would you rather?
This one will be a little less more of like AG rating PG rated
than our college versions, but thought about something fun.
Let's find out more about Becca and Alyssa and play a little.
Did you rat? Would you rather?
And we have some that were submitted by listeners, too, so
that's always fun. OK.
Do you want me to ask you the first one you ask?
Go ahead. OK.
All right. This is funny.
Would you rather attend every sports practice or every parent
teacher conference? I'm have to take a step.
Well, parent teacher conferences aren't as frequent.
Right, but those are a little more like controversial and
stressful. And so everyone's kind of on
edge. But I will say at least it knows
we have chairs that we're supposed to sit in.
So I think I'd rather go to those because at sporting events
it's like you do the shuffle of like, do we sit next to them?
Do we sit right across from them on the field?
Or like, does it look bad if we don't sit next to them?
Does it look bad if we're not Like that is so uncomfortable.
So yeah, I'll take the take the chairs in the principal's office
please, for 200. OK, well, I would rather go to
every sports practice, I think. What?
That's just because you sit next to it by a mom and you're fine?
Well, we don't. Go to practices together though,
like she's not like, oh I'm going to go to practice with you
on your day. I mean she probably would if I
really wanted to, but she'd be like Becca.
No because it's super far from our house.
So we always like kind of make fun of each other.
We're like, but you have 5 practices this week.
Haha. It's not my week.
Like, sucks for you, you know? So like last week she was
supposed to have 5 practices that she's took my stepson to
and they got cancelled every single day.
I was like, I hate you. Yeah.
So I was mad. Yeah.
But anyway, that's also true. Are we talking about my older
step kid or my younger step kid? Because the younger 1 is in the
principal's office more. He's just wild and rambunctious.
So we'd be seeing her a lot more if it's.
Yeah, he's so cute. OK, OK.
I. I already know the answer this
one, but would you rather step on Legos or read 1/6 paragraph
text from the X? Step on Lego so I don't want to
read anything. I know which one's pain last
longer, stepping on Legos or the text from the X.
The text from the X lingers for me unless you've had our help
with our triggers guide in the membership and maybe the pain
last longer to step on Legos. Wait, would you rather explain
boundaries to a teenager or to your husband?
Neither. So mean no, neither.
Probably my husband, obviously. Teenagers are just so rough.
Well, I needed to be in the teenager episode.
That's funny. Yeah that is really funny.
I can't wait for you to have teenagers haha.
That's true. I don't have teenagers yet, so
that's a totally different. That'll be a whole different
game. Yes, absolutely.
So I'll do one more funny one. Then I'm going to get to the
like, real relatable spicy ones. OK, Would you rather hear You're
not my mom every day or my mom lets me do this?
Neither these are. Option This is multiple choice
question Becca. I guess my mom does it that way.
I don't know. What would you do?
Well, I guess it would be You're not my mom because I have a
great response to that and I don't really mind hearing it.
I guess I probably don't hear it enough though.
But that's when you say, no, I'm not and that's why I can tell
you to do XYZ. My gosh.
Wait, do they even say that to you though?
Not really, right? No, but I imagine like if I'm
saying, you know, you have to wear this to go to school, like
you have to have a jacket for school or whatever.
And they're like, well, you're not my mom.
You know, if you're laying down the law and they're like, you're
not my mom. I imagine I would just say,
well, exactly. And that's why it's easier to
listen to me do what I say. I'm just listen.
She is. That's, that's funny.
OK. Would you rather be in a group
chat with the ex or have zero communication and be out of the
loop? Wait, would we be able to at
least know like that? Because I'm not in the group
chat, but I at least know what's going on through the text
conversations between the ex and my husband.
I guess if I wasn't going to be in the know whatsoever and be
able to tell him like my side, I'd probably want to be in the
group chat. You need to answer this because
you have your both. I don't know.
It really depends on like what we're discussing or talking
about. I don't know.
Yeah, that's really hard. I think I would rather be in the
group chat for the most part. Yeah, that's what I'm going to
go with. I think for now it really
depends on like where we're at or what we're discussing, you
know, like certain things like holidays and stuff.
I don't want to want to be a part of.
Like y'all decide that I'm just, I'm just the stepmom back.
If we're just talking about little things, then yeah, I want
to know. It's the multiple choice
question that says both A&B or neither A nor B.
Yeah, pretty much. OK.
Would you rather be liked by the kids or respected by bio?
Mom, I think liked by the kids. Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, I think I would probably. Be a ladder, really.
OK, but it's because. Your step kids, but it's because
your step kids already like you, so you don't know like and
you're all mine is emperor. They might not like you all the
time, but they love you. They just are in a loyalty bind.
So if they ever act like that, come on Alyssa, I see like the
pictures and how much you do for those boys.
They love you. They just might not be able to
verbalize. All the time.
Like Instagram is 10% of reality because everyone just puts the
best up there. And if you've noticed, the most
recent pictures have only been my children, not my step kids.
Yeah, yeah, no, they love you. So you would rather be respected
by bio mom? OK, interesting.
No, I think I just chose that answer because I want to have a
good relationship with them. I mean, I want to have a good
relationship with everyone. Wouldn't that be, you know, the
dream? But right, I don't know I want
them. To like me, this was my sneaky
way of getting both because I think if bio mom respects you,
the kids see that and feed off of that so the kids will respect
you too. And just cuz my step kids, maybe
they like me, it doesn't necessarily mean they respect
me. I think they do a little bit
because like I said, last episode or one of the last ones
we just recorded, I lay down the law and I follow through on the
console consequences. Like it's not usually a
punishment. It's more of like discipline.
And if it's like, you know, then you can't have candy after lunch
or whatever. I follow through with it and I'm
like, no, because it's easier because I'm not so attached.
So I think that they respect me on that aspect because I'm good.
At you think it's because you think that you discipline like
that because you're not attached, that's why, yeah.
Well, I'm wondering why my husband doesn't.
My husband can't do it though. He's like, I think that here's
the candy. Thing I think that's a totally
different like conversation though.
I think you've always been like that since I've met you at
least. You're very firm in things that
I think you'd think like when it comes to stuff like that.
So I feel like that's has nothing to do with attachment.
I feel like you'll be like that with your other two bio kits too
because you just like are a good mom and I feel like you care
about how you raise kids up. That's how I I don't know that's
the impression I get from you, but I guess it's because you're
not attached to evil stepmother. Evil stepmom party of one.
No, I I think that it's I thought I was perceived as like
happy go lucky you go with the flow and I didn't.
Am I really like stern and strict?
No. Well, I definitely wouldn't.
No offense, I love you, but I wouldn't think you're go with
the flow. I don't think I'm go with the
flow either. I feel like every stepmom is
like, I feel like God or the universe or whatever you believe
in is like, you like structure. OK, I'm going to make you a
stepmom because it's not structured.
It's constantly changing. So I don't think we're go with
the flow. I need to know everything.
I want to know what day, what time, everything like, yeah.
But you're type A and I'm type B like so type B because you're
like, yeah, and you are. I'm like, hello, deathline,
deathline. I hate this right now and you're
like, oh, sorry, my phone died. I'm like, your phone died.
I'm like, how can your phone die when we're we're trying to
discuss something important like oh, sorry or then not one day
you're like, I lost my phone for five hours.
I was. Like what I?
Was like, OK, I was like, yeah, we're just.
So different, even wrong. You're not wrong.
And once y'all I sent her a screenshot of something and
she's like all she got from it was like why do you have 3%?
My battery was on the Fritz. I never let my phone die.
Everyone please let us know in the comments or wherever.
Do you let your phone die? Or if it's getting low do you
charge it? Like if mine is at 20%?
If it's in the red it's on the charger.
I'm not letting it die. What if something happens?
I'm always with my kids, So what if something happens like I go
take them to the ER? No one has to call me.
Well, that was dramatic, but I was thinking, I was thinking
more like they fell at school. But I guess you're talking about
ER, oh gosh. OK, let's get back to these.
Would you rather? OK, OK, OK, OK, I got it.
Next, would you rather your husband say that's just how she
is or let it go about the ex? I mean, my husband does say let
it go all the time to me about everything though, unless it's
like, I don't know, he's like he's a funny guy man.
Like he accepts things. But you know what?
Also, and him and I always talk about this, he has had a Co
parenting or parallel parenting relationship with the first bio
mom for almost 20 years. That's a long time.
Hey, yo. So he always says he's like the
beginning. I wasn't like this.
He's like, I reacted more like you.
He's like, and don't get me wrong, he gets mad sometimes,
but it's very rare, especially with that bio mom.
Like he just, yeah, he just knows how she is.
And you know, he knows how he is too.
But he's like, I've had so much experience.
It's just let it go. Can't control it.
He's like, I had to accept that a long time ago.
So he does tell me all that all the time.
So I guess that one. What about you?
Would you? Rather learning.
Let it go over here. Oh, you or him, him.
Let it go, honey. Hey, babe, babe, let it go.
Let it go, Let it go, let it go. Yeah.
I mean, heck, my mom even sings that to us sometimes when we're
like ranting on and onto her. And she's like let it go.
Mainly because I live with a three-year old that is like
Princess Land. But yeah, we someone is still in
his feelings and I am teaching him the impact versus
importance. What stuff can we let go?
I feel like I've learned so much as a stepmom and I'm teaching
him how to handle things. It's actually really cool.
But yeah, something else, a shameless plug, something else
we're working on in the membership.
Everyone, I'm telling you it's this is a great safe space.
Just join us. It's awesome.
But yeah, I would say the other one because we're still working
on Let It Go. I wish we were at where he told
me to let it. OK, Would you rather Well, this
isn't really going to apply to you, but I'm interested to see
what you would say. Would you rather your husband
over share with his ex or under communicate?
This is turning into more of a are you this or are you that?
He he under communicates and I think for like safety reasons,
I've talked about this before. He is like he'll get pages of
texts from the ex and he'll send back like 2 words and that's it.
But we learned that from the Co parenting coaches and that's
even what Emily Ray said to do was like making a business
conversation, sticking to just the facts.
When when you stick to just the facts, it really just becomes a
short response like yes, no, If they're saying where is the
jersey? It's like, I have it at my
house. When can I get it?
I'll bring it to the game. Like it's the problem is it's
not going like that back and forth at our house.
But that's what he does. He under shares and I'm OK with
that. I think, yeah, keep our keep our
house in our house. You know, let's not share the
nitty gritty of what goes on. But that's also where we don't
get to have that privilege as a stepmom because step kids see
stuff and then they take that to the other house.
So it's like even if you fight with your husband behind closed
door, there's going to be stuff that they see.
Like we went to go pick up a prescription and my step kid was
like, what is that? And I'm like, don't worry about
it. Like you don't even, I'm not
going to explain birth control to you.
So like, I'm not going to explain prescriptions to you.
It's just just don't worry about it.
It's like Tylenol, kiddo. You know why?
Why do you want to know why? It was just going to go over to
Mom's house and I saw spiraling, but yeah, that's all that's
funny. Well, let's see.
Would you rather be called Bonus Mom or just your first name
forever? I might have mentioned this
before. I liked them Call me Lissa and
that's the name that they gave me.
And honestly, they called me A at the very beginning because
the little one was the big one was 4 when I met them, the
little one was one and my husband used to call me with the
boys and he'd be like guess who's on the phone?
And the four year old just saw the 1st letter of my name and
he'd say A and it was so cute and endearing and they called me
A until their mom didn't like that.
So they stopped calling me A. Then they started calling me
Alyssa. And I think that that's what
we'll go back to. But right now I told them, like
my daughters started calling me Lisa.
So I said, and why that we're not calling me Lisa anymore.
You guys just say hey, you or hey, or over here, like look at
me say mom, Mama, like whatever my daughter calls me or say hey,
you. But there's no like Lisa right
now until she gets out of calling me by my first name in
public. But so they took to calling me
Mama. And it's so sweet.
I never said like, you have to call me mom, but they're saying
Mama and just in front of my daughter and then like in the
car is that they just say Lissa. And so I think we'll go back to
Lissa. Long story long, but that's my
little Ted talk. You like call you Becca, right?
Yeah, they yeah, they do. But that's interesting.
And I feel like this must be a thing that happens when you have
a younger bio kit and then you have step.
Kids in the house, because I remember that happened to me
too. And to be honest with you, I was
deaf. Like I have issues cuz it's not.
Yeah. I mean it's like not a big deal,
but like to moms who have wanted to.
Be my mom, yeah. Yeah, forever.
I remember my stepson that I always talk about that I'm
really close with he the 10 year old when he was little, you
know, he actually started to call me mommy and I was like,
hey buddy, moms are so special that you only get one.
I said, so let's come up with another name for me, you know,
because at that time, we weren't really talking me and his mom.
But I was like, if I were in this situation as a mom, I would
give enough respect to not, like, do that.
So that's just personal. I don't think it's, like, right
or wrong what I did. But that's just my story with
it. So anyways, Fast forward, I was
like, oh, but I can't wait until someone does call me Mommy one
day. Like I was so excited for my son
to start talking so he could call me Mommy naturally.
Yeah, Yeah. That's the best part of being a
mom. And so he so anyway, so he
started to talk, but then my stepson calls me Becca.
So he started to call me Becca, same thing.
And I was like, Oh my gosh. And I was like, well, can you
call me something else? You know, did you?
He's like, well, I don't want to call you mom.
And I was like, I know, I know. And you know, like, I agree with
him. I wasn't going to make him do
that. And I was like, well, can you
call me like Becca Ma or mom or something like, I don't know,
like can we come up with? And I was like.
It's like, can we come up with, like a nickname?
But it's just not Becca. And so, but I mean, for a while,
yeah, my son was going around being like, Becca, Becca.
And then he saw, like, my son's really smart and he saw that it,
like, made me mad. So then he would, like, do it on
purpose. Now he definitely understands.
And my stepson is like, honestly the sweetest human ever.
Like, he's so nice. And so he saw that was getting
me. He he saw that was getting me
upset. And so like in front of my son,
like he would be like mommy said, you know, like he would
use third person like that. But when he's addressing me, he
just calls me Becca. But yeah, it was, it was really
funny because even now, sometimes when my youngest son
gets mad at me, he'll be like Becca, like a little brat.
Yeah, my 3 year old. See, she knows yeah, because she
sees how I respond and she picks up on it.
But she like is obsessed with the boys, like obsessed.
So when they say that's why I knew they have such a big impact
on her. So if they said Mama or
whatever, just dropping Melissa, then she'd drop it right away
too. And she did.
So would you rather, where did they go?
Would you rather tend mediation or host Christmas with everyone,
including bio mom? That's easy for me.
Post Christmas, but think about the other bio.
Mom, the one that you're not close with, like all of them in
the same room. We don't.
We don't talk a lot. But a very deep person, like I
was actually telling my mother-in-law this the other
day, like she has so much depth to her.
And we might not agree on everything like parenting and
things before I even came into the picture, but she just like
has a lot of depths to her as a person.
So we've gotten in like really deep talks before.
We don't talk all the time because she doesn't live in the
same state. But like I could definitely do a
Christmas with her one year. Like we've done graduation
parties for her daughter before together.
And I'm like helping in, you know what, the soda doing all
the things. And she's really nice to me.
It's kind of funny sometimes with my husband.
I'm like, I'll talk to her cuz she doesn't like you or it just
does a joke. Obviously tried to be like that.
I wish. I wish.
Yeah, it might happen one day. It might.
Trust me. Crazy.
I know, Gabriella. Talking about that situation
with that family that it sounds like it was exactly like my
situation and now they're taking the kid to Disneyland together.
I'm like, wow. But the key component there is
that one of the parents lives in a different country.
So seems like it's probably, you know, a little bit easier in
that situation than than mine were.
No. And I think.
Too, When kids get older, sometimes it like gets easier.
I don't know. I guess we'll find out.
Yeah, we'll find out. This one someone submitted this
question and I'm a little confused on it, but it says
would you rather be stuck in an elevator with your ex or the bio
mom? I'm guessing it needs like my my
ex because I guess yeah, she the ex is the bio mom.
So well for my situation I'd rather be stuck with my ex any
of my exes any day any of my exes then bio mom because my
exes are not high conflict and they just don't.
It's a different situation even that 1X like your.
Ex you're talking about. We have nicknames for everyone.
So you're talking about Richard? Yeah, I think.
It's Richard, I think. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. Yes, you just confirmed with the
name. Yes, that that Richard, but you
would have to be stuck. In the elevator with them so
think about that. That could be hours, Alyssa or
with. Bio mom think about how much she
she can say in one text. I'd be terrified to like be in
an elevator. It's not even good being on the
screen. You would like beat you up or
what? Maybe it would be like a healing
conversation. Always you all would just sit
there and you would have to talk it out and you can be like,
yeah, what's your problem? Like let's let's hash this out
and it could be good. Let's go back to the very
beginning. The reason I signed up for this
when everything was kosher and copacetic, just like everyone
else. I think they get into the
situation because it's fine and dandy.
No one's already in court, or if you are, you're probably not
smart to stay in the situation because it only gets worse.
We were not in the court situation.
We actually were all Co parenting well together, all
four of us. She had moved on.
My husband obviously had met me and we were going to sporting
events together. When I say we're going to
sporting events together, I mean we sat on the same side of the
field and we talked. She I remember vividly she was
asking me about our honeymoon in Greece.
This blew my mind. I'm like, you want to know about
my honeymoon honeymoon of all things?
Like you know what happens on a honeymoon, right?
My honeymoon with your ex-husband.
Wait. So OK, if you're comfortable
sharing. What was like the catalyst to
all of this conflict then? Because it sounds like you kind
of had a similar situation to me.
Yeah. And.
I mean, that's a good question, I will say.
The attorneys have. Asked when they were kind of
trying to take inventory of the situation.
That's always something they asked, like what moved the
needle? And a lot of it has to do with
when I got pregnant with my daughter.
So I don't know if that caused some kind of tension that I
wasn't expecting. And we just, we didn't know how
to respond to it. We were really taken off guard
of how things flipped. And also, when we got married, I
think she maybe thought I was just like playing house and I
just was this girlfriend and I would eventually be gone.
But I think it's like the object of permanence of getting married
is so huge. And I think she tried to
maintain that. And that conversation about my
honeymoon was not enjoyable, but we were able to talk and sit
together on the same side of the field.
Like that's what you do so that the kids can see it from the
soccer game, you know, and they can continue their soccer game
and they're not like looking on different sides of the field at
the parents stepmoms. How are you coping with
transition day? I'll tell you how I am.
I'm lighting my big ass candles to calm my big ass anxieties and
honestly, it changes the whole mood of the house.
Same chaos, just calmer vibes and way better energy.
We're obsessed with big ass candles from big ass luxuries.
Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. If you want to try one, use code
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That's code stepmom at checkout, big ass candles because stepmom
life comes with big ass feelings.
I think it was really just those significant moments that
signaled like something locking us in and just triggered her
that like I'm here to stay. And I think she kind of hoped I
wasn't because in fairy tale world for bio moms, I think for
the most part, they like to think that they're they're going
to have their cake and eat it too.
Like they can move on and then they'll have their ex all the
time. Their ex will never find anyone
else because for you know, they always think their ex is
garbage. Everyone thinks their ex is
garbage. They're an ex for a reason.
But someone you know is going to find your ex appealing
eventually and they'll move on. And we move on.
Would you rather OK, this one's for you?
Would you rather handle toddlers or teenagers?
Step kids. Easy toddlers all day every day
could not pay me. I'm not even looking forward to
the teenagers of my bio son. No teenagers are awful, you
know. They're just not fun sounds.
Dreadful. I can't.
Well, it's. Like they're already like
struggling with their identity and being independent.
They already don't like their own parents.
So then as a step parent, it's just as too many feelings, too
many undercurrents in the household.
I'm like too much influence from both parents.
I'm like, I just, I can't do it. Can't do it.
And then you. Yeah.
It's and then the toddlers are sweet, like especially like when
you first meet them, they love you.
You're like a fun and like, you know, like my youngest step
someone always be like a Becca. A Becca.
Like he was just so cute. He loved me, you know, So yeah.
Yeah. Do we?
Want to get into a few listener questions this one says.
Any tips on navigating dating a man with a young toddler and
then she wrote that the toddlers under 2 and then unplanned baby
with an ex Well you met your. Ex.
Not your ex, your husband. When your youngest stepson was.
How old again? Yeah, he was.
About nine months, 10 months. Oh my gosh.
He was a baby. Baby.
Yeah. And.
Then the other one was 4. So they're kind of still, I
guess, are they toddlers until they're five?
Like if you think when you're shopping and it says 5 tea, does
that mean toddler? Anyway, I think both of them are
like toddler ish. You know?
They're children, they're little.
My experience with dating a man with a toddler, The one great
thing I think is that I am so close to that one, the little
one. And what I tell everyone is like
this is very normal to him. I think I'm a product of
divorce, my parents, but when I was a teenager though, and I
think it has such more like serious impacts on a teenager
than a small kid. And although it's unfortunate,
the little one, this is all he's known his whole life going back
and forth between homes. Me and his stepdad, he's known
as both the same amount of time. He's going to stepped out a
little bit longer than me. And so he, this is all they know
and it's fairly healthy for a divorce like unhealthy
situation. And he's very close to me
because he, we know, we, you know, he's comfortable and
familiar with me and he's known me for so long.
And I think the older 1 is like skeptical and more of like, you
know, really loyal to mom because he was four and he kind
of saw me come in. Whereas the little one was, I
think stepmoming or almost becoming a stepmom with a
toddler is like no big deal in my opinion.
I think it's fine. I think you can easily show that
toddler that you're fun and you don't have to discipline as much
right now where the dad can take over the easy toddler discipline
where it's just like, you know, don't climb on the couch, don't
chew on your shoes. It's like a puppy.
Oh my gosh, no, no, it is not like a puppy.
Like what are you saying? No, I think you.
You made a lot of good points. I think it's like in the
beginning, you can like bond with a younger kid easier and
then that can continue. Well, and with your other
stepson who was four, it's like, I think that is like the
critical age. And I'm sure you're seeing this
with your daughter now, because I'm seeing it with my son now.
It's like you are so bonded to your mom.
So it probably was really difficult for him to to probably
those emotions. So you said, if you mind sharing
a little tangent, your parents divorced when you were a
teenager. How old were you?
I was 13. Ish 14 maybe when it was like
finalized yeah and then my mom met my stepdad who she went to
like a singles event, met this guy and she was like, wait, I
know you and she walked up to him and he's a dad of one of the
some of the girls in my high school 2 girls and so and I was
on drill team with them And so my stepdad actually is someone
that I kind of knew growing up. And so my stepdad has been
around for a long time since high school.
So I'm that's like my dad now, but I'm kind of torn because I
like I love my stepdad. I relate to him because I'm like
I understand how it is to have step kids like these are not
your kids. And he's dealing with that with
like the grandkids coming over so little warning for all of us.
We're going to be old one day. We're going to have step
grandkids and it's going to be hard because we're going to have
our bio grandkids and we're going to have our step grandkids
and it's the same. It's just like the difference of
love and attraction and affection between a step kid and
a bio kid because you're not. Yes, yeah.
He says it's hard. It's hard because he loves these
babies, but like the ones in Dallas, they come over so much,
like frequently. And he would rather not.
He's like, you know, maybe not. Every day.
Yeah, Bio grandkid. He'd be like, Oh yeah, let me
take you every day. And I'm like, I get that.
That's cool. Though that's cool that your
stepdad like feels so comfortable sharing that with
you though you know like y'all must be pretty close.
We have a good bond and. Then my son was born on his
birthday, which is we're just like tight little family.
OK, how this question came from a listener or a viewer?
This one came from Instagram. OK, how do you handle long
distance? This one's for Becca because I
don't have a long distance situation.
OK, yes, so. Guilty parenting transitions.
Well, it's really hard. It's really, really hard.
My stepdaughter lives like across the country from us, and
you know, it's hard. We try our best.
My husband does a really good job of it.
You know, luckily we're in the place in our lives where he can
fly out there pretty consistently.
So he'll fly out for sports games.
Obviously he can't like, attend every single one, but he will,
you know, do that then. And my stepson that live with us
are obsessed with her. Like, she could do no wrong.
They call her Sissy. So we FaceTime her a lot and we
try to include her, but I'm also like try to be sensitive to her
and her needs too, because sometimes my son will like want
to FaceTime her when we're doing something like really fun.
And I'm like, maybe like, let's not, you know, because I'm like,
I don't want to like hurt her feelings or anything.
And, you know, and make it seem like, oh, we're doing this fun
thing and you're not here, so. The transitions are.
Hard, but not because of her necessarily, just because as any
mom knows, like when you add one more kid to the mix, it's crazy.
And you definitely know you have two bile kids, but when your two
stepsons come over, it's like it's not even like probably that
they're necessarily doing something like bad.
They're just being kids, right, You know, and it's like once you
get to like 3 kids, I feel like it's a circus.
It's like 3 after three it's like it's crazy.
I'm like whoever said. One is like 1-2 is like 20.
Then what's 4400? No, 4 is like 21 is like 1-2 is
like 2-3 is a lot, 4 is 20, yeah.
No, and that's like how it feels, you know, like and so
when her when it was all for it was like, it's just different.
It's like exhausting. And so for me the transitions
was really hard just because you know, I would have to do a lot
more, you know, which is fine, you know, cooking breakfast,
doing that. And then she usually comes in
the summer, so there's no school.
So I try to make it really fun, sign up for like a lot of
activities, and I just try to like make her feel super left
while she's here. But yeah, I think every stepmom
can relate to the guilty parenting part of this.
Yes, or. Even 5050 like you and I do with
our other step kids. And I think you kind of just got
to let your your partner do that and works through that
themselves unless it's like crossing crazy boundaries that
you've set in place, you know? Yeah, I agree.
Let me get to 1 more before we close out.
And this one says do stepmoms who don't have 5050 in the house
with last time exist? How do you support your spouse?
Girl, we're here. We're right here in this chair.
Central Standard Time. I now have less than 5050%.
It might not be a less, but it's definitely made a big impact on
the relationship I have with the step kids.
For one thing, take it for what it is.
This is a great thing for you and your relationship because
things might change and you might end up with more custody
later on. Enjoy what you have now.
I did enjoy the 5050 that we had and now that it's down to less,
although it was like a really hard pill for us to swallow.
We are saying that this probably is very temporary now.
We're starting to see some things that I'll get into in the
membership, but we're we're enjoying it right now, like a
little more time for our babies, a little more time for us to
heal from some of the wounds that have been, you know,
scratched open over the past year through court and stuff.
And we're just, you know, it's all about looking at everything
at a different angle in a different perspective.
Everything is temporary. Yes, it's hard to exist and have
that relationship, but you have to make the most of that time
because it might change too. And it might be less or you
might end up with more custody later on.
And you want to have that solid foundation of that relationship
so that when if you get them more, which you very may well
get them more than 5050 or even just 5050, you have to be able
to have that relationship with them.
I think so Becca, you have one that you have less than 5050,
right? I can't keep track of your step
kids. I know, I know my husband is
crazy. No, just that my stepdaughter
that doesn't live here. The other ones I've pretty much.
Had full full time full time boys, all boys in my house
except me. That's why I also do like when
my stepdaughter comes because we go get our nails done together
and we're like. Bye you.
Guys are annoying, you know, so we.
Bond over being girls too. Go over it one more time.
So I have a 10 year old step son, A7 year old step son.
My daughter is 3 and my son is 1 and we are done.
So we're not like 19 kids and counting.
I promise. That was just like, you know, we
just wanted one more for for kicks and giggles.
But remind everyone, you have three boys in your house and one
girl. But what are the dynamics?
OK, I'll go through my kids. So my oldest stepson is almost
20, but he doesn't live with us anymore because he's in college.
But he did live with us for five years, all through high school.
And then and then, yeah, no, he's, he's maturing a lot, so
it's good. He'll even tell you.
And then my stepdaughter is 12 and she doesn't live with us.
She never has. She just comes for summers and
other things. And then my youngest stepson, he
lived with us full time for about 3 years I believe it was.
And now we're on a 5050 schedule.
And then my bio son is 3 and he is so cute and I will not be
having another bio kid. And now I'm old.
I can't too old now, but. Well, this is going to be a
little sad, but it's actually very bittersweet because it's
happy to wrap. I'm happy to wrap this up
because we have a lot planned for next season.
Like we already have episodes in the works for y'all and I say
next season, but it's not that far away.
It's just going to be a couple of weeks for us to really focus
in on the membership and dive into that and give our members
everything that we have right now while we're building that.
And I do encourage everyone to get involved in that because
we're. Giving one-on-one tips and
advice. We're going to have some of our
speakers from the podcast come in and do live Q&A's and we're
taking insight from the members on what you want the podcast
episodes to look like and stuff. So you really get like a front
row seat to all things stepmom on top of getting to know some
other stepmom friends, you know, and having someone to bounce
ideas back on. And you just don't feel so
alone. I'm telling you, I preach that
like we have to find our village.
Your village? Yeah.
So yeah, anything else you want to say before we leave our
viewers for a few weeks or our listeners?
No, no, I think you, you wrapped it up really well.
And I think, you know, even research says that like we need
each other, people need each other.
And so yeah, we do invite you guys in if that's something
you're interested in, but if not, that's OK too.
If you just want to be a listener for now, we're here
too. And yeah, y'all are kicking ass.
Keep doing it. We got this stepmoms and we will
see you on on season 2 We'll. Be back and you can't get rid of
us. We have a lot of really good
speakers lined up. I'm so excited.
I wish, I wish we could kind of maybe we'll give details in the
membership. Definitely.
All right. Everybody.
Like this podcast? Give it a rating if you love us
and leave us a review. Find us on Instagram while we're
gone. We love y'all.
Thanks for hanging out. Bye.
That's it for this week on Stepmom Side Chats.
We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom best before you go.
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