Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom Side Chats.
We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca, 2.
Stepmoms who are done pretending everything's perfect.
This is where we talk boundaries, Co parenting, hard
truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud.
If you're ready for real talk, real growth and a little.
Bit of spice. Let's get into it.
Hey, hey, hey. How you doing?
Welcome back to another episode of Stepmom Side Chats.
I'm good. How are you doing?
Good, good, good. Happy Transition Day to all that
celebrate. Cheers.
I need everyone to know right now that I'm looking at sit up a
little bit Becca Amazing Spider man stepmom T-shirt she's
wearing. The Amazing Spider man all boy
stepmoms. Well little boys, they get it.
Spider Man is my son's favorite. I literally am so sick of
freaking watching Spider Man every single day.
I want to watch Spidey. You're such a better mom than
me. I wouldn't wear that stuff just
for my kid, but maybe I should. I guess I will.
Don't. No, don't worry.
I only wear it around the house, but one time I actually wore it
out in public and my husband was like, Becca, can you like
change? I was like, what?
I was like, you don't like it? It doesn't, I mean anyway.
How was your week or weekend? You know what, by time this
episode airs, it will be Tuesday, our new and improved
transition day. So I will be working through
those emotions, I should just say that.
Are they leaving or coming? Leaving.
Oh, mines coming tomorrow.
We flip. Cheers.
We did flip flop. Yeah.
Cheers. Well, OK, so this week we're all
about Mythbusters. Yes, yes.
So many different stepmom myths out there that just people
create and it's so wild. It's so wild.
I can't wait. And everyone went crazy when we
were asking what are some stepmom myths?
Oh my gosh, there's so many that I didn't even think about.
And then so many repeat ones that were like obvious that we
just hear all the time. That's super annoying, so let's
get started. We're just going to RIP through
these myths like nobody's business.
OK, what's the first one? I mean, we have to go with the
obvious, right? The most annoying and the most
redundant is that stepmoms knew what they signed up for.
I need it. Can I get a pole?
Let's raise our hand. If you knew what you signed up
for, you signed up for this. You signed up for these court
appointed, you know, people in your life.
You signed up to pay thousands and thousands and thousands of
dollars. You knew what you signed up for.
You knew that it would turn out to be like this.
Are you kidding? Would any of us be here if we
knew I was? Going to say, I know.
I see no hands raised, so zero hands in the audience.
Yeah. No, for real.
I oh, my gosh, if someone told me that again, I think I would
just cry. Everyone says that.
You know what? I've heard it from even my own
family members. Have you heard it from your own
family members? Yeah, yeah.
And you know, I feel like I used to say, you know, I should have
known better because I came from a family of divorced parents and
I saw the court system and how it works.
But to be honest, it's just it wasn't like that when I signed
up for this. And so I wouldn't have thought,
you know, I'm even more of that glass half empty kind of gal.
And I didn't think, oh, they're just going to, you know, go at
each other and she's just going to try to RIP us apart.
And like I try to think the best in people's.
So, so sorry guys. Yeah, no, I, I remember when I
first like started dating my husband, you know, the kids were
so little and they were so fun. And two of them, he only had 4
summers and then one of them came and lived with us full
time. And I was like, wait, I didn't
sign up to be a mom right? Right now, Not right now.
Couldn't you give me a couple of years?
Yeah, it all happened so fast. I was like, what is going on?
I just like thought it was going to be like the movies to be
honest with you. Have you ever seen that movie
Stepmom? No, I haven't.
You've never seen it. She's a good stepmom, right?
She's not the evil villain. No, she's great.
It's Julia Roberts. Shameless plug.
Everyone go watch it. No, I'm so serious.
It's so good. You'll have to watch it and then
we can talk about it next episode.
But anyways, I kind of, I mean, it's definitely realistic.
It shows like the hardships of it.
But I thought like, you know, just how it is at the end, that
that's how it would end up for me.
And you know, here we are. No, just getting kind of you
would hope. I just have a husband that is so
like civil where he just he doesn't poke fun and try and
start drama. And she was being very civil
when we met and we were all going to sports together and
there was no, I was never worried about her having any
judgement on me because I wasn't like the other woman or
anything. So this came out of left field
for me because she was engaged, you know, to her, someone that
she knew for a while, so and she's still with them.
So you would think that they'd be happy forever.
You just, you would never guess that this would be happening.
And you can't predict any of these situations and your
wildest imagination? Yeah, no, I never, because like
I've kind of talked about my relationship with them has gone
like through ups and flows and I wouldn't think sometimes that
we'd be in the places that we are.
So yeah, I. Completely understand.
And it's a warning to people that are, you know, I see
messages of moms that are saying, well, I am a stepmom,
but we're not married yet, you know, or we're getting married
and it's just kind of like I'm sending out a yellow flag and
I'm just, you know, be careful because it really could get bad.
And if it's bad now, it could get worse.
So that's, that's my little two cents on this Ted Talk for
today. That one is just a no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, we didn't know what we signed up for it.
No, we couldn't have predicted this.
No, you couldn't have created any of these ideas.
My wildest dreams. Yeah, Or just like the feelings
that we experience with it in general.
Like, oh, I, I never thought some of the feelings that I've
experienced as a stepmom I would experience.
I was like, yeah, it just threw me for a loop.
Anyways, I'm what's another myth that we hear a lot or that some
of our listeners wrote in? So this one I saw multiple times
which we both have experience with stepmoms are trying to
replace bio mom or that we're trying to be the mom.
No, no, no, no, we just want to be here to support.
Trust me, I, I don't want to do all of that stuff.
Being a mom is hard in general. You know, Alyssa and I are both,
you know, bio moms to our kids and it's already so freaking
hard. No offense to my step kids, love
them dearly. But no, I don't want to do some
of those responsibilities all the time.
So I promise you, I'm not trying to replace anyone.
I'm just here to support my husband the best way that I know
possible. And yeah, I agree.
And it's like, excuse me for making your kids lunches for
schools if that looks like a mom duty.
I mean, I, I'm, I'm confused here.
I, I thought I was supposed to make their lunch and make them
dinner. Should I not make them food?
Should I not clean their laundry?
I don't want to clean their two stinky boys like bins full of
dirty underwear and stuff, but like, what am I going to do?
Just let them rot and sit in these stinky clothes all week at
my house? So it goes in line with that
whole step up and take care of these kids but don't act like
their mom thing, you know? But I will say in the early
stages when we were not married yet and my husband and I were
dating, he would get remarks that she would say to him like
she's she talk about me and be saying she's just playing house.
And I love that one because I was like, I'm sorry that it
looks like I'm playing house when I'm taking care of your
children. Because no matter what, a dad is
not a mom, he's not going to be able to make Christmas a
special. And you know, like I do every
holiday, I decorate the kitchen. Valentine's Day, I love making
the kitchen so cute and pink and purple and white and hearts.
And then Halloween, I put cobwebs all over the kitchen
from like corner to ceiling, the floor to corner to corner,
corner. So, and it's just something I
like to do, but I'm not trying to be the mom, but I'm making
the experience fun for the kids. And just damned if you do,
damned if you don't. But some of these things are
necessary. These are necessities.
And I'm going to do it so that I don't have like, CPS showing at
my door saying these kids haven't eaten or showered.
Well, I can assure you, Alyssa, that if you don't put cobwebs
from corner to corner and CPS is not going to get on you.
I'm just kidding. No.
Wow, that's crazy that you do all that.
That's really sweet, though. No.
And I think another thing that you and I have talked about too
is like, OK, we do this for our own biological children.
So do you really think I'm that evil of a stepmom that I'm going
to leave my step kids out if I get an Easter basket for them
and go all out? I always make sure everything is
even in my house. If one of my kids has something,
then the other kid has it. Everything is even.
Even like up to little things. Like when my son was a toddler,
I got him this blanket, you know one of these bougie like bamboo
blankets. It was so expensive guys, which
was wild that I did that anyways.
Crazy. Yeah, but.
And he loves it. He's obsessed.
He sleeps with it every night. Well, anyways, my stepson, I was
like, well, Becca, can I get one?
And you know what? I didn't want to do it because I
didn't want to spend the money, but I did it because I'm going
to be fair. And so like you said, it's like,
no, we just try to do the best we can.
We're not trying to replace anyone.
We're just trying to treat everyone in our homes equally as
best as we know how. And Can you imagine, like what
you'd hear from the other house if he went home and he didn't
get the blanket and he was like, she bought it for her son and
not for me? Like, I'm sorry that's we have
to do these things to like, protect our sanity too.
Yeah, no, absolutely, absolutely.
OK. I like this one.
Stepmoms don't have real parental responsibility.
Can we please talk about this? What is your take on this?
Again, with the like, we shouldn't be doing things.
So yeah, that that's something that triggered that response
from bio mom is that I was scheduling dentist appointments
for the baby, which he was two or three at the time, not baby,
but he was little and I was scheduling his first dentist
appointment. So it must have been that he was
turning 3 because I was like, it's a little overdue for that.
And of course my husband had mentioned it first and nothing
happened. So we just said, OK, we'll,
we'll just take him and then she can take him to the next one.
It did not go over well. Let's just can I just put it
that way. Obviously like stepmom and at
the time my husband went into the office, this was pre COVID.
He went into an office to work and I was in outside sales.
So I had a flexible job. So it only made sense that I
took him to the dentist appointment.
But Oh my gosh, why would the stepmom insert herself like that
and take the kid to a dentist appointment?
God forbid this woman take care, take care of this child and get
him in before it's too late. Wow.
Yeah, No, I would be happy if you did that.
You can take my son to the dentist.
Please, please do that. No, that's yeah.
It's wild. It's it's all just so wild.
How does that work for y'all if you have the kiddo and you have
to take them to the doctor? So you take them to the doctor
and then who tells mom what happened or about the bills or
saying, hey, we're going to the doctor because you're not under
a court order. So you don't have like strict
boundaries and guidelines there. So what's what do y'all do in
those situations? Yeah, I guess we haven't really
talked about that before. So when my stepson that lives
with us 5050, when he did live with us full time for a few
years, this is actually an interesting story.
So I was like, you know what, you need your annual doctor's
appointment. And so his mom has had a doctor
for him since he was a baby. And so I was like, we'll just go
to that one, keep it simple, you know, whatever.
So I make the appointment, you know, his mom doesn't live here
at that time. We go to the appointment.
Me and my husband are married at this time, so I'm legally his
stepmom. We go there, I pick him up from
school, guys early, rearrange my work schedule, all the things we
get there. Oh, I'm sorry, he cannot be seen
with you, I said. I'm sorry.
What? What?
I was so pissed and like it wasn't because of bio mom or
anything like she she was mad too.
She was like what you know. But they wouldn't let me go in
with him so I couldn't do it. I was so upset.
So you know, he ended up going to my son's doctor with me and
my doctor had no problem with it.
I don't think he knew that I was the stepmom, but the other
doctor knew because bio mom had taken him previously before.
She wasn't living here for a little bit, but yeah, that was
crazy. And then, yeah, I mean, we're
pretty like chill on it. Like, even the other day I was
like, I need to make my son an A dentist appointment.
And so I texted my stepson's mom.
I said, hey, do you want me to just take him at the same time?
She's like, sure. And, you know, and and I mean,
she's probably happy. She you know I would be happy
so. That's that's what I would have
thought too. I knew that bio mom had an
office job as well. She went in like 9 to 5 or
whatever. So I kind of just wrote it off
as like, you know, she's got a tough go at this.
And so because things were not bad yet.
But yeah, it was that was pretty ridiculous.
And this is what I think we're seeing consistently is that not
just bio moms, but the general public, they have these
assumptions and these narratives for us of what we should and
shouldn't do and what we can and can't do.
But imagine how bad that is then if bio mom went in saying that
is not allowed to be in a room alone with the kids.
Unprecedented and so wild just so that your kids aren't going
to the doctor's or dentist with dad.
Like it just it blows my mind when it comes to healthcare,
mental health, mental health, any of this.
We shouldn't put any limits. If someone can take these kids
take up, who cares who's taking them?
And at the end of the day, the one making just get decisions is
that professional. So it's not like if I take the
kid to the doctor that I'm diagnosing them with something
and I'm medicating them. So well, and it's not like
either of us would ever make like a serious medical decision
without their input. You know what I'm saying?
Like, we're not going to be like, oh, he needs surgery.
Let's just do it. You know, come on.
We would obviously consult the other party this.
Is partly a topic for another day, though.
Yes. No, absolutely.
Let's move on. What's the next one?
Let's see the myth someone wrote that we are not involved in kids
sports. Honey, if I could show you,
don't get me started my bank statement.
Let's talk about summer sports. Whoa, these kids are little
still. We're not even in middle school
yet. So the fact that we're having to
pay these outrageous summer camps and summer sports, and let
me just tell you, the 10 year old right now, he's into
cooking, cooking classes, super fun, super notchy.
A little Anthony Bourdain on our hands, OK.
We are so involved besides paying the big fat bills or
splitting the bills we are going and if we're not there then
maybe we have a bio baby at home and ours baby that's napping
like me. Exactly, exactly.
No, I don't miss one of my stepsons games.
I love going to them. In fact, sometimes I think I'm a
little louder than bio mom and she like laughs at me, but she
she like, she likes it, you know, it's just, it's just
funny. Yeah.
No, we're really involved. I I drive to practices, I drive
back and forth. Yes, you do it all.
And you see Instagram and it has a soccer field.
That's Becca. I'm.
Not the soccer. I'm not the soccer stepmom at
all. Yes.
No, both of you know, my stepson and then my bio son, that's all
we do soccer, soccer, soccer. So no, I, I love it.
That's that's funny though. Why wouldn't we be involved in
kids sports? Like it's fun and I think also a
lot of things too. I just thought about this.
It shows an example to our ours babies too, like those are their
siblings. They love them so much.
So of course I'm going to do that because I would do it for
my own son. So why wouldn't I do it for him?
You know, And I think it shows something if I was just like,
no, it's just my stepson's game, I'm going to stay home.
Like, you know, his brother, my son would be like, wait, what?
You know, it's confusing. Yeah, I definitely, I encourage
the kids to go to my daughter's ballet practice and watch her.
Not all the time because that is definitely not like a sport to
watch. That's fun.
But I encourage them to go and so my husband can come too.
So we'll all go and sit and watch ballet sometimes and in
reverse, I like my daughter to go to watch the boys, whatever
sport they're doing, which is changing all the time.
But it's setting a lesson, setting an example for sure.
And you know, showing up for our step kids says a lot.
And I think that deep down, they really appreciate that we're
there, whether they say it or show it or feel like they can
say it or show it. Because no, definitely more
people in the crowd is more exciting.
More names being, more people calling your name.
That's just like more Christmases, more presents.
Exactly. Yeah, I know.
I'm my stepson recently. Was student of the month and he
came home the other day and he was like, hey Becca, I got
student of the month. There's this thing at school I
really want you and dad to be there.
I was I was like, OK, and I like don't hear him correctly or
clearly. And I was like, wait, you want
us to come like I said, do you want just your dad to come like
because him and I are like very open and we're pretty close like
I've mentioned. So he would like tell me he has
no problem hurting my feelings. And honestly, I have really
tough skin when it comes to it now after all these years.
And he's like, no, I want, I want you to come too.
And, you know, all three of us went and we all sat together and
we did it. And, you know, sometimes things
might be a little awkward, but, you know, we all went so.
Last thing on this myth that I want to debunk for the moms or
the stepmoms on the other side of this is that I have pulled
back a little bit from going to school functions and school
events simply because two things.
I have my own kids now. So their schedule is still is
still, you know, relevant and it's very demanding with babies
and their nap schedule. And then my daughter being taken
to her Mother's Day out program. So a lot of things I have to
miss like the seven-year old, he's getting some school award
on Wednesday at and it's 8:00 AM, but this is a 15 minute
thing. The school is 2530 minutes away
and it's right after morning drop off.
So my husband will be dropping off anyway.
So he's certainly going to be there and I just am not going to
make that one because a, I'd have to get my sleeping baby out
of bed, which I don't believe in and my toddler will be getting
ready for her school drop off. So some things I can't do like
physically I can't make happen because I'm not I can't be in
three places at once. But then I also have started to
pull back on events where bio mom is there because it's better
for me mentally, it helps my sanity, so it helps my household
and it helps my kids because I can show up more for my kids
when I'm only doing as much as I can handle.
The school functions to me, if I'm writing like which ones I'm
going to remove, some of those over sports would be the ones to
remove. But so any moms are getting
backlash or stepmoms that are getting backlash that they're
not at school functions or sporting events.
I think, you know, the general public needs to look at maybe
why maybe she's not allowed to be there because bio mom went
crazy. Maybe she's choosing not to be
there to protect her sanity and to protect her children.
Maybe she's choosing not to be there because her kids lives
will be too affected if she goes to every event.
So that's my Ted Talk on that one.
Yeah, and I just want to add something really quick to that.
So also think about like normal nuclear families, moms can't go
to everything. Even in normal families, you
know, you might not be able to go to every function.
You know, like my bio son during Christmas, I was the only one
out of me and my husband that was able to go to his school
function and he didn't go. And vice versa.
That come, you know, happens sometimes.
But you know, bio moms never get backlash for that.
But stepmoms, you know, it's such a double standard there.
But no I. Agree.
Yeah, let's look at it. Go ahead.
No, I was going to say it's just like I was saying is it is OK to
pull back like you were saying because sometimes it is just too
contentious and sometimes I'm like, no, I'd just rather not
for today. But in the beginning I made sure
to be at everything because I felt like obligated to.
I don't know why no one put that obligation on me.
I guess I just put it on myself. Oh, man, yes, we've got a little
hot and heated on that one. OK, I have another one.
Are you ready for this? This is like more of a
judgmental myth. OK, this is a good one.
Stepmoms are mean. The evil stepmom.
Here we go. Go Becca.
I mean, I feel like growing up, didn't you think like stepmoms
were mean? I don't know.
It's just like. I did, but I didn't like,
believe everything I heard in like, Cinderella or whatever.
Yeah, I don't know. I just always had like a
negative perspective on stepmoms in general.
And I'm not really sure where like I got that from, but I
definitely just thought. Stepmoms were mean and it's not
true. Well, and I think that people,
you know, it's kind of like the other myth that we were going to
talk about too. Stepmom shouldn't complain.
It's like, okay, well, we put boundaries.
So then, you know, we're seeing as we're complaining or that
we're cruel, you know, And it's like, no, honey, I have
boundaries with my own son, you know, and I don't feel mean.
In fact, you know, he told me their day.
He's like, mommy, you're being mean.
I said that means I'm doing a good job, you know?
But if I set the same boundary with my stepson, sometimes it is
received differently. And it doesn't mean I mean I'm
just trying to parent the same way.
Yeah, I want to dig into that one that you mentioned too.
But real quick, I was writing something with another stepmom
the other day and I was like, you know, what would happen if
the stepmom villain, the evil stepmom narrative didn't exist?
What would people do? Like they would lose their
minds. They would.
They would have no one to blame. They would have no one to blame.
Right. Yep, exactly.
And so it couldn't like we are the mirror for bio moms because
whether they left or they were left or they lost custody for
some reason, we are what they can't be 50% of the time, 25%
whenever they're not seeing their kids, we are the only
replacement option. And not that we're a
replacement, but we are the only other female mother age figure
in that household doing the same kind of daily duties and
household chores. Like whether you want to say or
not, we are a mother figure in this house.
There, I said it. No, it's so true.
And remember the other day I texted you about what my son
said? This like is a perfect segue.
No, no, no go. I don't remember too many texts.
So you know, my son, he's like 3 1/2.
So he's starting to get confused because now my stepson is going
back and forth and he has to live with us full time.
The other day we're driving and he goes, I was, I think I was
talking to you. And he goes, mommy, what's a
stepmom? Why do you keep saying that?
Because I was voice texting you. Yeah.
And I go, well, a stepmom is who I am to, you know, your brother.
And I said his name and he was like, wait, what?
He's like, I thought you were his mommy.
I was like, no, I'm his stepmomy.
He goes, well, what's a stepmom? And I said, well, it's kind of
like a fake mom that does all the mom stuff.
He was like, he goes, that's weird.
They said, I know it is weird, you know, And then we moved on.
But I thought it was so. Funny, yeah, that was, I mean, I
mean it's true. It's true.
And it's just bio moms, you know, they're going to hate to
hear it because we are a mirror for them.
And that sucks for them to look at and it sucks for them to see.
It sucks for them to feel. What was the other myth?
You were saying that like, we can't, you know, discipline or
something or? Oh, this one, this one is just
we all we'll have to have a whole episode for this one.
But the discipline that we can't discipline them the same way.
And it's just, and I think and that's why we'll have to have a
whole episode on it. I think our partners are a large
part of this too, you know? It's just, I don't know.
I discipline my son however I want.
I don't think twice about it. I don't look at anyone in my
home for reassurance. I just do what feels natural.
Now if I did that to my step kids, I'm questioning myself.
I'm questioning my parenting skills, if it's the right
verbiage that I'm using. If the delivery is nice enough,
my son, I'm like go do this now. You know, I don't even think
twice about it. Yeah.
And you have to pick and choose with your step kids on what
you're going to discipline and what you're going to, you know,
acknowledge or what you're going to.
Like half the time stepmoming and disciplining is pretending
that you didn't hear or see something so that you don't have
to choose to ignore it and make the step kid think it was OK or
you don't have to discipline them and make them hate you or
make bio mom say like she's terrible for punishing you.
In our home, we obviously have this really dark cloud that
looms over us all the time called CPS and it's so tragic.
It's horrible. But you know, CPS, every time
they come, they're like, no, you know, this happens a lot.
We see this happen all the time. And at the end of the day, you
know, you can't not discipline a child.
And like, that would be actual means for CPS to be there.
Like, if you didn't discipline a kid and you just let them do
whatever they want, hatching the trouble they get into, the
danger, the they would hurt themselves all the time.
Yeah, I think like one thing being like the little 1, you
know, when he was taking baths and then when he transitioned to
like a shower, of course they have shower curtains and they
actually have like 3 shower curtains because I do like the
cute curtains that look like curtains I drape in front of
them. Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I know you're talking about. So nobody's playing peekaboo.
But yeah, it ended up being like a desperate cry for custody and
social work with CPS was just like, we've seen this complaint
before, too. We've heard this narrative of
like, you know, stepmom and stepdad are sorry.
The parents in this home, like bio dad and stepmom, they are
watching the kids in the bath or shower.
And she looked at me and she said this little boy is 2 1/2.
She was like, I hope you watch him or I will have to come to
your house. If you do not watch this little
boy standing in a bathtub standing in a shower, I.
Was like great, thanks see you later.
It's great visit. Nice talk with you.
Oh my gosh. See.
And it's like, that's like so sad to me because it's like
you're just trying to like be a good stepmom and like, make sure
he's safe. How dare I?
You know, it's like, what? Why are you trying to make me
out to be some creep? You're the creep for even
thinking it like you weirdo. You know, like it's just, that's
just sad to me. What a weirdo.
So true. All right, what's another one?
Let's go through these that stepmoms shouldn't complain.
Welcome to stepmom side chats the complaint corner Submit the
complaint sound of the town. Yeah.
And it's like, though, that's why I think you and I like are
so happy that we have each other is because if I talk to one of
my other friends about being a stepmom who is not a stepmom,
which really don't have any stepmoms friends, they don't
understand. They try to, but like they're
just like, oh, I feel bad they didn't choose this.
And it's like, yes, I know they didn't choose this.
I'm not saying they chose this, but what about me?
It's like, OK, I'm still human, you know, like, I still want to
be happy in my life. Just because they didn't choose
this doesn't mean that I shouldn't, you know, get upset
or annoyed if they leave their shoes in the middle of the
floor. I get annoyed of my own son, you
know, and I complain. Like I'll tell my husband
sometimes I'm like, you know, I need a break from, you know, my
son, you know, and I'll say his name, obviously.
And so, you know, we'll tag team.
But if I said that about my stepson, evil, evil, evil, evil,
evil, I'm the devil. Even even like complaining, if
I've complained to my friends about it, who are moms but
aren't stepmoms, like they don't say it like come out right and
say it, but they'll like kind of look at me and I can feel the
judgement. They're just like, oh, OK.
And I'm like, I'm like, OK, well, guess I can't talk to you
about this. I'll text Alyssa.
That's why we're here. Yeah, we definitely are making
that a podcast episode in the near future too.
So don't DM us saying talk to us about friendships with being a
stepmom. You know, we have that coming
and we want to dive deep into that realm of like what it's
like having friendships with other people that are not
stepmoms. How do you find stepmoms to be
friends with? And you know, that's a, this is
a whole Rd. We have lengthy stories about
what's gone on in our friendships with friends that we
had before we came a stepmom and how they watched our lives
evolve and change. The crazy thing is that that
doesn't know yet. You know, Becca and I, we were
in college together freshman year.
So this is, Oh my gosh, I don't want to age ourselves.
We're not that old. But like, is this 15 years ago?
Yes, I was doing the math last night and I was like, Oh my
gosh, this is crazy. I was like, how wild is it that
like, you know, the universe or God or whatever you believe in
was like, oh. These two girls in college that
used to party together are going to be stepmoms one day.
Like that's just so wild to me, so wild.
Well, and I truly believe that we were both put at that college
for this greater purpose down the road because two things, My
gosh, I would be dying the past five years if I didn't have you.
I seriously, this world, the stepmom community is so small.
We do not have a village and it takes a village, it takes an
army, but we don't have that. But bio moms, you know, they
have those left, right and up and down.
You know, it's, it's impossible to survive this without someone.
But it just shows because we both went to this university
where neither one of us belong whatsoever is in a city that's
literally tagged the armpit of Texas.
I didn't know that. That's so funny.
Yeah, we were bored there, y'all.
We were bored. So we both bolted and bailed.
We're from big cities. We went back to big cities, we
went to big colleges, we got big girl degrees, and we moved on
with our life. But The thing is, we were there
for one year and I think that we were brought there for this
greater purpose because we kept in touch here and there.
But we really, really got closer and closer and closer as we
started having, you know, these relationships with a man that
had kids. So I would say go fishing and go
find yourself a mommy friend that has go fishing.
No, that's a no. And I think that's the perfect
segue because I feel like if I don't have you, I might be
divorced. And I know that's a really raw
statement. Oh yes.
But I think that is that's another myth that we hear all
the time. If you're unhappy, you should
just leave like. Oh, OK, I'll just pack up my
suitcase and zip up my tent and I'll see you later.
Yeah, OK. Bye.
Yeah. Are you crazy?
Yeah. Like, oh, getting into divorce
is just so easy. Like, let me just sign the
papers and, you know, be on my merry way.
Like, sorry for real. Like, no, we both know also
having step kids is that marriage is hard.
Families are hard. And in no way, shape or form
should you just give up that easily when things get hard.
I'm a huge believer in keeping families together.
You know, of course, if there's some things like abuse going on,
you know, we don't want that. But, you know, it's hard.
And yeah, people say, oh, well, just leave.
And I think that they forget, like, these families and
marriages, they're not disposable.
And honestly, you know, I've thought about this in the past.
And the early days of being a stepmom is my step kids.
I think, you know, I'm not always their favorite person,
but I really do think that they would be devastated and that
their lives would look completely different.
And I think you could say the same too, because I know those
boys love you, you know? So I hear, but some days it's
hard to believe, it's hard to feel loved.
But yeah, my, my two cents on this topic is that I just, I
love the idea of sure, you can leave whenever you want, but we
really can't. I mean, if you were in a
terrible toxic relationship, that's what I would say to that
kind of person. You can leave whenever you want.
But The thing is, we're one step removed from this situation
because bio mom is not our ex. So we can step away whenever we
want. We can go take a trip whenever
we want. We can step out of the courtroom
whenever we want because this is not directly our problem.
But The thing is, since we love our spouse and we care for these
children and we don't want anyone to hurt, we take all
these measures upon ourselves. And so we put ourselves into
this. But we can remove ourselves as
much as we want, as much as we can.
And that's another whole episode on like self-care and
disengaging, stepping away, taking time for yourself.
I want to dive real quick into some listener questions before
we run out of time. I have.
Do you have one, Becca? I have one here.
It says. Yeah, you go first.
Says How do you stay calm when bio mom is constantly trying to
provoke you? Step back, I guess, like Alyssa
said earlier in this episode is maybe not go to those shared
sporting events or school events and try to, you know, protect
your own peace and your own mental health as best as you
can, regardless of maybe it might make your step kids sad if
you don't go to something like you have to do what you got to
do and limit communication would be my number one thing.
Have that be between, you know your partner and her and just
try to stay out of it as much as you possibly can and just be
more of a support role is what I would.
Say, OK, I'm going to do one more because this one, how do
you deal with constant schedule changes?
I'm interestingly enough, I've been seeing these questions a
lot or these comments, and this wasn't anything that ever
affected me back. I think this might have affected
you more because my family, as everyone knows, we're under the
court agreement and the 5050 whatever.
But we've had our first big change, which came from
mediation. And I don't want to get into
details about it, but you know, custody did change a little bit.
And for how minor it changed like 2% from 5050, it was 2% It
is. Alarming how much it affected
me. And it's really affected, like,
you know, our flow and just trying to get things back in
order. And I think everyone's feeling a
little bit. I've seen it on the kids, I've
seen it on my husband. And it's affecting me for sure.
But yeah. Wait, wait.
Sorry. Yeah, I'm going to talk about
that. But wait, 2%.
What was it like 2 hours that you gave the other party?
I know you can't talk too much about it, but 2%?
Oh my Jesus. The legal legal matters are the
only things I want to bulge here.
No, no, no, you don't have to go into it, but I'm just like kind
of laughing because it's like the way, you know, when it gets
to the court system, it's like we're really fighting over 2%.
Oh, OK. What our attorney said was he
said, I know that the mediator will probably agree with me, but
the worst day in court is fighting for standard custody
order and standard custody order, which is not what we have
either. But to give you an example,
standard is the whole, at least here in Texas, it's every other
weekend for dad and then the opposite Thursdays.
So like, we obviously didn't do that because who wants the kid
for one day in the middle of the week, like to mess up their
whole week and like mess up their whole, like, mental state
routine? Yeah, yeah, it's not good for
anyone, not good for me. But the way we kind of came to
an agreement to avoid, avoid court and, you know, deal with
this and mediation was the mediator said you have to get
creative. So it was certain things like we
would throw around like we want every spring break.
Well, that didn't happen. But we started saying like,
let's adjust our Christmas breaks.
Let's adjust, you know, Easter because one household celebrates
and is religious and the other is not.
And so like in legal court systems, Easter is actually not
considered a holiday that you would like switch.
So the ones that you know, you're usually granted every
other year would be Christmas and Thanksgiving.
And then we adjusted like kids birthday stuff.
They were just ways that we tweaked it.
But the way that we presented it was where she would feel like we
gave up some time so that she could walk away and be happy.
But in the end, if you really dig into like what we traded, it
only ended up being a 2% shift. So but that was still so big
because now we switch on a different day, which throws me
for a loop because it used to be Friday to Friday.
And so it was like, we get them and it's weekend, but now it's
like a school night and we get them here and they'd go to bed
and they wake up first in the morning to go to school.
And it's like, Oh my gosh, I'm going to forget to make a lunch.
And I think like from our partners point of view, it's
like, OK, yeah, 2% to stepmoms were like like whatever, it's
not a big deal. But if we put ourselves in our
partners shoes and those were our bio kids that we had to
share time with, that's still 2% of their lives and that would
suck. So no, I can empathize.
Back to schedule changes. So for a schedule changes for
me, yeah, I'm still not dealing with it very well.
I think like over time I've started to deal with it a little
bit better, but plans are constantly changing.
And you know, that's just kind of how my husband is in general.
He's kind of just like a go with the flow, like, oh whatever, you
know me. They are.
Why is that? I don't know.
I like to plan things like in
advance, like I have my calendar for two months planned out like
I am psycho. I mean, Alyssa probably even
knows a little bit now since we started this podcast.
I'm like, here's your To Do List.
You know this is what you have to do.
It's your anagram number again, and whoever commented an anagram
specialist on our last podcast, I completely appreciate you and
we're reaching out, so thank you for that.
But yeah, yeah, I can't wait to talk about that more.
Your type A, I'm not so, but I'm not organized.
So where does what's that like? Where do I fit in there?
We're going to have to figure it out, but yeah, I know.
So it like makes me so mad when schedules changes and especially
because it's like a stepmoms, it affects us like everyone's like
Oh well, it's just you know, it's about the kid.
It's like, OK, once again, I get that, but it's like I had this
scheduled with my own kid at that time, or I thought I was
going to do this, or the biggest part is not being mentally
prepared. I have to be mentally prepared.
And something that I do think has helped me over the years
that I will say to this listener question is my husband knows
this about me now. So he prepares me better and
prepares all of the visits a lot better and more in advance.
And he will ask me now, hey, does this day and time work for
you? Whereas before it's just like
it's just was what it was. So I kind of set a boundary
there, which we'll get into next episode.
Yeah. Before we wrap up though, I
wanted to thank everyone for participating in the Sunday
Stepmom Scary's. I have loved reading these
because they're so natural, so raw and I will tell y'all I'm
always trying to repost and share them but they keep growing
and I like a post a full page and then we have a whole new
page and I put mine in there so y'all will never know.
But mine is mixed in there too. And I will never chat about it
on the podcast because I am, you know, going to keep that tidbit
to myself. But that's, you know, we're
welcoming y'all into this, the side chats.
And we hope you feel included and like, you know, this is an
inclusive place. It's not exclusive.
It is exclusive though. 2 stepmoms.
So yeah, we're hoping to help your community grow, make you
feel like, you know, you're loved and supported as well.
So keep the questions coming. Keep the stepmoms.
Scary's poppin, but I guess that's all we have time for
today. Yes, yes we'll see everyone next
week. We are so excited for next
week's episode. Stay tuned we are going to have
a guest with us. And yeah, we hope you all have a
good week and get some self-care and see y'all 2 dolls.
That's it for this week on Stepmom Side Chats.
We're Alyssa and Becca, your stepmom besties.
Before you go, it's something we said.
Hit a little close to home. Go ahead and hit follow now so
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Keep giving yourself grace. You're doing better than you
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