Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats.
We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms.
Who are done pretending everything's perfect.
This is where we talk boundaries, Co parenting, hard
truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud.
If you're ready for real talk, real growth and a little.
Bit of spice, Let's get into it. Welcome back everyone.
I'm so excited. This week we have our third
podcast guest on and I know so many people know her and some
don't have the privilege of knowing her yet, so I'm super
excited to announce her. This is Maggie with somatic
healing. She is a mom to four.
She is helping her clients recover from whatever it may be
in all different forms. Maggie, if you want to kind of
introduce yourself a little bit more.
Yeah, yeah, of course. So I'm Maggie.
My journey started basically I had four year or four kids in of
like five years and it. Oh my gosh.
Yeah, props too. It was like, honestly, it was
one of the biggest blessings. Like feel so blessed.
And it was one of the most challenging seasons of my life
where I experienced extreme burnout to the point where I
developed psychosomatic symptoms.
I was losing my hair. I was gaining weight really
rapidly. I was having like mysterious
stomach aches that doctors couldn't diagnose and came to
find out that it was my nervous system and that it was basically
all of these stacked moments where I hadn't processed
emotions. I was not dealing with my
stress. I was just like shoving it away
or eating it to feel better. And ended up going on this huge
journey to not just like work with my body, but also work with
my nervous system, heal my body, stress response, move through
some big traumas, and then decided that that's like the
most amazing, important work there is.
And that's kind of how I got started.
It's amazing really the journey that and you show it on your
Instagram page, so I know it very well.
I feel like you came full circle and I know a lot of people, so
you obviously know this is a step on platform, but it goes
beyond that because we deal with so many things outside of our
realm and outside of our control.
And we all end up carrying our stress and our anxiety in a
different way. And I know you and I had kind of
talked on the side about how like, for instance, I found out
that I carry my stress in my shoulders.
I have been told I need to like drop my shoulders.
I have to, I literally have to set an alarm on my phone three
times a day because I get these insane knots now in my back and
they've led to migraines. So it's all like kind of how you
explain it is better than me, but so I want you to explain to
Stepmom kind of how where we carry our stress effects
different parts of our body and then how you kind of target
those and combat like, you know, the symptoms so that we can
handle our stress better. Yeah, So all right, Well, stress
essentially, you have to understand the nervous system
first. And I always like to explain it
from, I use the polyvagal theory where if you imagine like a
stoplight, you have green at the top and that's ventral bagel.
So that's when you feel safe, when you feel calm and you feel
connected, when you feel grounded, when you just feel
like in your flow. So if you think of something
like fun that you love doing or if you have an activity that
just helps you feel really like in your body, that's ventral
bagel. And then you have sympathetic
response, which is like that fight, flight, flea energy.
So that's when there's like an activation in the system when
starting to feel stressed or anxious or overwhelmed or angry
or frustrated or you know, any number of like things that kind
of bring your system online where you're like starting to
have that energy mobilized in your system.
And then you have dorsal vagal, which is red at the bottom and
that's shut down. So that's like you're scrolling
on Instagram because you don't want to deal with like The Dirty
dishes in the sink or you're, you know, reading a book instead
of like doing all the things that you are on your To Do List
or you can't get out of bed. Or a lot of like clients I work
with, it's like, I know I want to like work out, but I just
like can't bring myself to do it.
They're like in a little bit of like a shutdown.
Their body has basically been like, we have two, we were
carrying too much and we need you to take a beat and you're
not listening. So we're going to like force you
to take a beat is essentially what your body's doing.
And stress can happen anywhere because it actually is stored in
like our fascia. And one of the main places that
we store a lot of tension and stress is actually our hips.
And then also like you mentioned, your shoulders, your
jaw. We also, I don't want to get
like too technical because I also am a somatic exercise
teacher, but we have our SOAS muscle which goes from our T12
and our spine and like wraps all the way down and that's actually
like our fight flight muscle. And so a lot of people who
experience like low back pain or sciatica, it's because you're so
as muscle, when you go into like a stress response, that muscle
constricts and it it stays constricted until you manually
release it. So in my personal opinion, like
everybody on the planet is walking around with a tight
constricted so as because we weren't told or taught how to
help our body release some of that tension.
So, Maggie. For me, I've never heard of
somatic healing before. Someone else who's never heard
of it before, how would you just explain it in simple terms?
Yeah. So the word soma means into the
body. So basically the term somatics
is just about learning how to get into your body.
A lot of people, pretty much everybody lives very much in
your head. And the body doesn't speak in
words, it speaks in sensation. So the somatic healing like that
word would be like helping you reconnect with like what your
body is speaking and saying by starting to learn like the
sensations that your body speaks and then allowing you to kind of
build that connection between your brain and your body.
That's so interesting. Do you have like a medical
background or like I know you talked a little bit about, you
know, going through that period of time when you had all four
kids, you know, very rapidly, but like, did you start training
yourself on this? How did you kind of like think
to yourself, this is what I want to, you know, have my platform
be based upon? Yeah, so basically what happened
is I ended up healing like healing myself, got some blood
work done, worked with somebody who knew the nervous system was
and was basically like you, you're in burnout, you're in
adrenal fatigue. Like I had all of these markers.
And so I took an interest in myself to learn about the
nervous system and then ended up creating like a program that was
super successful in helping moms release weight.
But I was noticing that around like the three-week mark, people
would quit, people would stop, people would ghost, people would
be like they would just drop off.
And I was like, there is something here that's happening
from a nervous system, like somatic level that I want to
address my one of my core values is like, I don't, if you come to
work with me, I want you to give you results that like last, that
you would like, never have to like go work with, quote UN
quote, somebody again, because you I gave you the tools, the
resources, the knowledge so that you could like take it and run
with it. And because that was happening,
I ended up going and getting trained through rooted, which is
the school of somatic arts and did level 1 and level 2.
And then also was trained under Liz Tento, the workout witch for
somatic exercises. So kind of went like balls to
the walls of like, how much can I learn so that I can continue
to develop and implement and integrate in my own way, but
then also help others on their journey as well.
The workout, which I've never heard of but that's amazing.
Becca's very into the work outside of all of this too.
So let me think for a second. So I Long story short, I have
found out how I carry my stress and I know that it's causing XY
and Z. Essentially it's being carried
in my shoulders and it's causing these migraines.
And so for stepmom that are experiencing the stress that
they don't get to control the outside stress coming inside,
how can we help ourselves? And I know you kind of speak on
like the internal source and how we can help our system and
holding ourselves differently and postural wise and releasing
and what basic knowledge can anyone that doesn't have the
course yet take with them to kind of understand how we can
help ourselves? Yeah, so first you have to
understand your nervous system. So that's where I use the
visual, like a Poly bagel stop late at night.
If I was smart, I would have like had a visual for you guys,
but I didn't grab one. You're good.
So if you can imagine a stoplight green is ventral,
vagal, safe, calm and connected and grounded.
And then you have the yellow and which is like sympathetic
activation. So thinking like fight, flight,
fleet, fawn energy. And that's when you're anxious,
frustrated, overwhelmed, annoyed.
Like insert being a mom and then inspire.
Being a stepmom capital A on annoyed.
Yes. So, so you've got yellow
sympathetic and then you have red which is dorsal vagal and
that's basically like shut down, numbing, disassociating and
that's you've got like all three.
So in order to really understand your body and what's happening,
you would first need to understand like what state are
you operating in throughout the day?
So in with the clients that I work with, most women are
operating between yellow and red and they're basically just
bouncing between, which is creating a functional freeze.
And functional freeze is when like you can get up and you can
get your kids ready for school and you can like go through all
the motions. But then when it comes time to
doing the things like you said you were going to do, like I
said, I was going to like go for a walk or I said I was going to
work out, or I said I was going to eat clean or I said I was
going to, you know, get to that junk drawer that's sitting in my
kitchen that's like overflowing with a bunch of crap.
Guilty and you can't you can't bring yourself to do it because
you don't actually have the space inside your nervous system
and you're just bouncing between these two states.
So first of all, most people in my experience don't find ventral
vagal that top that green place where you feel safe, calm and
connected very often. So that's usually one of the
first things is like, OK, getting really curious around,
like what helps you feel safe, what helps you feel joyful?
What what gets you into your body?
What allows allows you to bring some of that like childlike
wonder that we lose as adults into that green space.
And so that would be like, the first thing is like
understanding where you fall throughout the day.
And then the second thing is that, like I said earlier, your
body speaks in sensations. So one of it's it's amazing and
it can be incredibly frustrating, but one of the
things is to start tracking the sensations in your body.
So for example, for me, I spent decades thinking that the
burning in my belly was like a gut disease.
Like I got tested for Celiac's disease.
I got tested for like a ton of different things.
The burning in my belly, you guys, was just my body having an
activation and me not knowing how to listen.
And so now that I've spent the last however many years doing
this work, whenever my belly is burning, I'm like, oh, OK, here
it is again. Like what's coming up for me?
Like what, what do I need? How can I support myself?
Like what does this burning in my belly need?
Because a lot of times what happened and what I, what a lot
of my clients experience is that you have a sensation and that
sensation is uncomfortable and you don't know how to hold it.
And so we try to bypass, escape, avoid numb, whether it's opening
our phone, turning to food, using alcohol, like insert some
sort of behavior that you're engaging in that maybe is a
little disembodied. It's because we were not trained
or told or taught how to hold the sensation in your body.
So with like the tightness in your shoulders, I would be like,
OK, can you like, can we explore that tightness?
Because I wouldn't be surprised if there's like some underlying
sensations or stories that are attached to that and that as
you're going throughout your day, those shoulders are just
getting tighter and tighter and tighter and without allowing the
body to. And this is where I get a little
like soapboxy because right now regulation work is very popular.
Like you can throw a coin and find like a nervous system
expert or a like a regulation person.
It's everywhere. It's all on social media.
Nervous some. Nervous.
Some nervous system. It is and regulation and nervous
system work are not the same. So regulation for regulation
sake keeps you in the cycle. So like if if I were, if I
wanted to keep you in the cycle, Alyssa, of like your shoulders
hurting in the migraines, I would be like, OK, just like do
some breath work or just like do some meditation, like just like
regulate your nervous system, but all that.
Honestly, like harmful advice that we get, it's horrible.
It's just it's a Band-Aid for a deeper like root cause issue and
it makes me a little crack, right?
So I would so my point being is like instead instead nervous
system work is actually like, OK, can we sit with the
tightness in your shoulders? Like can you can you give me a
color? Can you give me a texture?
Can you give me as like as is there a sight?
Is there a sound? Can you make that sensation in
your shoulders a louder? Because what people don't want
to do is they don't want to sit with it and sitting with it is
actually how you create a pathway of release inside the
body. So OK, I hope you guys are OK
for me going on this train and it applies.
Yeah, we love it. It does apply.
I think it'll, it'll apply very much for like the stepmom
dynamic and just the because you're like, OK, OK, so I want
you to imagine that you have this like suitcase.
OK, so you have this suitcase and inside that suitcase is your
kids and then your step kids and then you're like your ex
partner. If you have an ex partner and
your current partner and then your family dynamic and then
your work and your job and your past the lived experience.
So you're you have this suitcase and it is chock full.
It has like all the things inside of it.
And most people are walking around with a suitcase that is
like is literally like you're stuffing it and you're trying to
like get the zipper to like clothes or you're like dreading
to go put it on the thing and be like, please don't be 50 lbs or
over 50 lbs. And what's happening as people
are like, OK, just just like regulate a little bit.
Well, what happens is, and I know that we're listening and
we're not watching, but like when you have this suitcase.
Some are watching. Yeah, some will be watching,
yes. OK, well just imagine that
suitcase with like all these little bubbles.
OK, so like, let's say this is like your dynamic with your step
kids, K And like one of them activates you like it's going to
happen. It's part of the human
experience, but you're regulating.
So it's like, oh, I just need to take some deep breaths.
So you like regulate for a second and it like breaks up a
little bit of that bubble. But because you didn't create
like an actual pathway of release, and I'll explain what
that means in a second, that all these little like bubbles that
you just created go right back into that thing so that when
your step son or stepdaughter like does something activating
again, you're like back up into an activation and nothing
actually changed. Does that make sense?
Yeah, it's literally the the, what's the saying?
That's like what's redundant or you doing the same thing over
and over. Yes.
Yes, yes, 100%. And so this is so like that's
regulation. So nervous system work is, is
actually going deeper and being like, OK, so I have this, what
do I want to how do I want to phrase it?
I have this very intricate relationship with like my step
son or my stepdaughter. And it's nuanced, it's layered.
It's not like this like easy relationship to build upon
because there's previous lived experiences and there's
preconceived notions and there's all those things, right?
So instead, when you're in this activation, it would be like,
OK, I'm feeling activated. I feel that burning sensation in
my belly or I feel that tightness in my shoulders.
OK, I'm going to breathe into that tightness and I'm going to
see if I can make it like 2% louder.
OK, it's 2% louder. Is there a color?
Is there a texture? Is there is there a smell?
Is there a sight? Oh, OK, actually it's like black
and sticky and it feels really tarry.
And it's like, Oh my God, I feel like I can't breathe right now.
OK, can I breathe and just take a big breath in, Allow it?
Because actually what's happening is most of the time
and activation needs 30 to 90 seconds to complete.
And we don't give it 30 to 90 seconds.
We give it like 2 seconds and then we're yelling or we're
stomping away or picking up our phone or where.
It's all we can handle and then we want to like, just push it
away and pretend it doesn't exist.
But that keeps you in the cycle, that keeps you, that keeps you
in that loop. And so nervous system, real
nervous system work is when you create a pathway of release of
like, oh, that was so activating to me because and I'll always
use me like I always use myself as an example.
Like I had an activation this weekend and I was like feeling
really sad. I had like, I wanted to cry and
and I had no reason to cry. There was nothing sad going on.
It was a great Saturday, like nothing was happening, but I
could not figure it out. And I as a busy mom, I don't
have a lot of time to like sit in the in like, what is this?
Why am I feeling this way? But when I was going to bed, I
was like, OK, I'm going to take two minutes.
Like what, what is this? And I was sitting with the
pressure behind my eyes. And immediately I was like, I
remember when I was in high school and I studied really hard
for a test and I failed it. And in business, sometimes you
can try really, really hard and the the thing that you want or
the thing they're going after doesn't work.
And it was the same thing. So my body was having was was
feeling the sadness sensation because I was doing the same
thing now at 38 that I was doing at 18.
But it was reliving my experience as an 18 year old.
Does that make sense? Would you call that like a
trigger? I mean, I don't like the word
trigger because trigger implies that it's their fault, not my
fault. So I always use the word
activated. Like I'm feeling really
activated. And I use it with my kids all
the time. Like this morning, like gave
them a very specific list of the things that they needed to do
before they left the house. Did they do them?
No, And I was like, I'm feeling really activated, you guys.
I left you a list. I told you specific instructions
like that makes me feel invisible.
Continuing to just stress like nervous as American regulation,
not the same when you can do nervous system work.
You look at internal family systems where it's parts and
like all of those parts play. And so it's like I'm feeling
invisible. I know that when I feel
invisible, I get really angry. So then I can work with the part
of me that feels invisible instead of screaming at my kids.
It was like, OK, Maggie, you're feeling invisible right now.
Can you just take a couple deep breaths?
Like I see you, You wrote out that list.
I'm really proud of you for doing that.
We'll get there when we get there.
And it's fine. And there.
It wasn't a big activation, but I still had to like, talk myself
through it. No, that's really interesting.
I wanted to go back to something you were kind of just talking
about how you were remembering something from when you were in
high school and then something, you know, you know, currently
just happened. And I think for a lot of
stepmoms, we can really relate to that.
And I think why we are activated so frequently is because we have
past trauma or, you know, different childhood attachment
styles. And then it shows up in our
stepmom life. We're activated constantly.
And I would say, you know, I would argue to say that we're
more activated than a typical nuclear family because of all
the layered parts of a blended family.
So I'm interested to see. Hear what you think about how
trauma lives in the body and how that all you know aligns
together. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing.
It's like, how? How OK, I'm just going to be
honest, I mean, like if, if, if you're continuing and this is
this goes for like me as well. Like if I'm continuing to get
activated over the same things over and over again, that just
means that I have work to do inside my system to help create
those pathways of release or shift my relationship to it.
So it's like, it's like, OK, when you're dealing with so many
different dynamics and like, like you have your own.
So the goal of nervous system work is to decrease the
intensity, duration and frequency of an activation.
Like that is the goal of nervous system work slash like
technically regulation, but like real nervous system work is to
lower the intensity, duration and frequency of activation.
So like if you're having consistent activations as a
stepmom and there's and this, there's certain things that are
happening frequently where you're noticing your system
getting charged, you're noticing like you're getting a
sympathetic response. The first thing you would want
to do is start to track it. So what that means is like, OK,
what was the sensation I feel in my body?
What was the activation that happened?
What was my, what was the emotion attached to that?
And I have trackers, I can share them, but it's really helpful
because it allows you to see patterns.
And then once you can see patterns, then you can see OK.
If you're familiar with internal family systems, which if you
aren't, I'll give you like a really quick 32nd 30.
Yes, please do for our listeners.
I've been raised searching so much about it and it's it's so
interesting. Yeah, I mean, it'll change your
life. So Internal Family Systems
basically believes that we are a compilation of all these parts.
And these parts are broken into three different like sections.
The first is managers. And the managers are the
caretaker, the people pleaser, the perfectionist, the
controller, the anxious thinker, and essentially like even work
with a client. And we did, we discovered like
an ER part. So like you can even like name
your own parts and so it's not doesn't have to be like
clinical. It was like, I really feel like
this is an ER. Part I was like, did I hear
that? Did I hear that right?
Eeyore? Yeah, this.
Like like she just like has these moments where she's like
everything's not working. Like like, so it was like this
feels like an ER part. It was honestly, it's been like
transformational for her. So it's been really cool.
But those are like your protector parts and they're your
first line of defense. OK.
And then you have firefighters and firefighters are if you're,
if your manager couldn't get the job done, the firefighters come
in. So that's anger, blame, that's
state changing. So think emotional eating
alcohol, it's disassociating, it's online shopping, It's
anything to like get out of the activation as quickly as
possible. And then you have exiles.
And exiles are the parts of ourselves that we've essentially
like pushed away, shoved away, put in a little box,
compartmentalized. And exiles are typically, but
not always like formed in childhood.
So they are the parts of us that feel abandoned and invisible,
ignored, traumatized, shamed, not good enough, not worthy.
And that they form in like these micro moments where a need we
had like didn't get met or we were told we weren't good enough
or like insert something. I think everybody can think of a
time I was like, Oh yeah, that totally like land for me.
So what happens as a mom, in my experience and as a stepmom, I
feel like it's potentially even more like amplified is you have
all of these parts and like I kind of said earlier, it's like,
OK, I'm running a household or I'm, I have these family
dynamics and I'm asking, you know, hey, can you please take
out the trash? And then it's like, I don't want
to take out the trash. Well, then my like, my gosh, my
firefighter, my anger, well, I just asked you to take out
trash. It's not that hard.
Like please just take out the trash.
And then you're like getting activated and your anger is
coming forward and it's all to protect this part of you that is
likely feeling invisible or is feeling not good enough or not
heard. So from an internal family
systems lens, that's where we work with this exile because if
we can shift our relationship with the exile of the not good
enough part or the invisible part or the ignored part, then
that helps decrease the like the beginning activation in the
intensity, the duration and the frequency.
So like an example that I can give you guys for this is I used
to get extremely activated during cooking dinner.
So my house is loud, the TV's on, the kids are screaming,
they're fighting, they're bickering, they're hungry,
they're already complaining about dinner.
And I haven't even finished making it yet.
Like it was like a. Whole Yep, this is what I call
overstimulation. So that's an activation, yes.
Yeah, so I would get so I would be overwhelmed.
I would get angry in that anger. I would go into the pantry and I
would stuff a bunch of mangoes in my face because I'm state
changing. Like I want to feel better.
I don't want to hold the anger. I want to like to make myself
feel better, so I would go into the pantry.
I would eat a bunch of dried mangoes.
I would continue to make dinner. At least it's a healthy choice.
I thought you were going to say you were going to go in the
pantry and stuff a bunch of Oreos in your mouth, but you
said dried mangoes. I'm like, OK, where's?
The Little Debbie treat. OK, but like, those are big,
Maggie. The dried mangoes add up quick
man. Those are those are some.
Those are some sugary carbs. Step moms, how are you coping
with transition day? I'll tell you how I am.
I'm lighting my big ass candles to calm my big ass anxieties and
honestly it changes the whole mood of the house.
Same chaos, just calmer vibes and way better energy.
We're obsessed with big ass candles from big ass luxuries.
Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. If you want to try one, use code
stepmom at checkout for a discount.
That's code temom at checkout. Big ass candles because temom
life comes with big ass feelings.
So what ended up happening is as I shifted because I was getting
activated during dinner, because it was loud, because it was, I
was, you know, lots of noises and I was tired.
It was the end of the day. So I had to help myself.
That's where the Poly bagel stoplight comes back into play.
I had to help myself with like, what are things that I can do to
help me feel safe, calm and connected while making dinner?
Music. I love music.
I'll put music that makes me feel good.
I'll dance. TV doesn't get to be on point
blank like no sound. I cannot have conflicting
sounds. I created a face inside my
kitchen called the no, like the hot zone.
It'd be like you cannot be in the hot zone right now.
You can be anywhere else in the house but do not come into my
hot zone. So it was setting boundaries.
Love that hot zone party of two please.
Yeah. So it was setting boundaries and
being very clear about it. It was helping my body find
that, like, what are ways I can access a little bit of green?
And then it was shifting my relationship with the anger
because the anger was protecting a part of myself that felt
invisible. So if I feel invisible, how can
I help myself be seen? OK, well, I can take a couple
seconds. Like, Maggie, I heard that you
asked them to get their dirty socks off the counter.
Thank you so much for saying that calmly.
Let's take a breath and we can try again.
You are not invisible like you're here and I hear you.
So that helped shift. So now dinner, it's not really
an issue. I'm not getting activated.
I took something that was incredibly activating to me two
years ago and have shifted my relationship with it created,
like I said on here, a little pathway of release.
So that like dinner bubble that was like taking up so much space
is now like a little blip instead of like a giant circle
in my nervous system capacity. Does that make sense?
Oh yeah, that definitely makes sense.
And I think it's just none of us had worded it that way, but we
kind of work through things or avoid things very similarly
because I know we talked with stepmoms about quote UN quote
triggers. I know we probably need to
reword it, but then like also isolating.
And I guess what would you refer to as trauma if because a lot of
stepmoms are traumatized or it's like a traumatic triggering
experience, you know, to relive some of the stuff.
Yeah, it's like the reopening of past wounds, almost.
And it's like being a. Stepmom just like makes it come
up, and I think that if you're not a stepmom, that might not be
as prevalent as if you weren't. Yeah, so a lot of people
misunderstand trauma. So trauma is either too much,
too fast of something or it is, Oh my gosh, it is where your
body didn't get to complete the stress cycle in the event.
So like if you can think of like a traumatic event and I will
use, I will use an example of like a couple years ago, I was
walking down the sidewalk. I had the Kleenex in my biker
shorts and a dog walked past me and it literally jumped and like
bit my hip and I fond I was like like this dog just bit me and it
like hurt like a mofo and I just like pretended it was fine
because I went into my people pleasing.
I have a very active people pleaser and was like, it's fine.
Your dog didn't just like take a bite out of my hip.
But then when I got home, I had like a huge like that dog bit me
and like I didn't speak up for myself and I was, I didn't push
it away. I just like laughed it off like
it was funny. Like it wasn't funny.
Like I had a bruise on my hip. It was like this huge thing so
that that event in most of society, things like the trauma
was the dog biting me. That was not the traumatic
event. The traumatic event is that I
didn't respond in the way that my body wanted me to respond.
I fond instead of like fighting, so I worked with my mentor
because what happens is when we are carrying trauma, when we are
reliving and experience in our head or we're noticing like
continue activations around a similar like theme or pattern.
It's your body trying to get basically allow that
mobilization of energy that didn't get to be completed back
in the event. Is that making sense?
So it's like. Yes, Yeah.
I was going to say, I think that that relates to me.
I kind of understand it. Becca, are you looking hesitant?
Because I think it's true. I'm thinking of a traumatic
experience that I had and I think it might not have actually
been as traumatic if I had responded different.
Not that like I could have been the moment because like my body
kind of just went to a certain response and it was like a
safety response. I don't know.
I think that there is truth to that.
That makes sense to me. But again, that's only if we
respond correctly to it. I don't know how you respond
correctly to it. And it's like fight or flight
moment, you know? Yeah, No, definitely.
I think because my background, my educational background is in
trauma, but typically with children who experience really
significant trauma. So I think when I think of
trauma, I think of like really complex chronic trauma that
occurs repeatedly lead through a child's life.
And so I think sometimes in that sense, a child's reaction to
trauma is uncontrollable and it's like sexual abuse, physical
abuse, like no matter what their nervous system response was,
that is trauma. So that was the only thing I was
like thinking about, but I don't know from a lens of, of this
where it's like maybe a little bit more like acute trauma.
I don't know what your thoughts are on that.
I thought, I know you know, probably so much about this.
So that's why I was curious to see what you, what you thought
for like our stepmoms who might have experienced more like
chronic trauma and really like significant trauma.
Yeah, I mean, it's still so the book Waking the Tiger Within by
Peter Levine. Do you know what the book I'm
talking about? Yeah.
Yes, yes. So like I think of that's where
like, so I'm trained in internal thymus systems, somatic
experience in polyvagal theory. And like that's where I pull a
lot from somatic experiencing because in big T or little T,
it's going back into the with like a professional going back
into the memory and allowing the body to mobilize that energy
that didn't get to, because that's where the like the
shoulders creep out. That's like where the chronic
symptoms, those psychosomatic symptoms get developed when the
body, when we when we experience something traumatic and the body
didn't get able to complete the cycle, then it keeps a loop open
in the system. And then the body is continuing
trying to close that loop and it can't close the loop because
it's not getting the complete stress cycle.
So it's like I had to work with my mentor after getting bit by
the dog where she walked me through this thing where I used
somatic experiencing to help push the dog away and basically
like swear at the dog, like get off me.
Like I got to go back into the memory and do what my body
wanted to do, but what I couldn't do because I fond like
OK, does that make sense? Yeah, no, that totally makes
sense. I think like basically you have
to process your trauma. Is that what I'm hearing you
say, process your trauma to be able to maybe not be activated
in those situations? Because I think with a lot of
stepmoms, their experience, what we see all the time when we talk
to our stepmoms is they feel invisible.
They feel like a guest in their home.
So I would imagine, you know, that stepmoms felt like that
when they were younger and maybe there was like traumatic events
that happened that contributed to that feeling.
So speaking from like an example like that, like what would you
say to a stepmom who's like, I constantly feel invisible, I
feel ignored, I feel all of these things.
And I know my nervous system is being reactivated by these
interactions with my step kids that make me feel this way.
So like how can I help myself? I mean, that's where it comes.
People don't like this answer, but that's where it literally
comes to like tracking where you're starting.
You're like making a journal of like this was the activation.
This was the sensation of my body.
This was the this the emotion that I felt with it.
This is how long it lasted. Because without that, at least I
guess, and this is where it's like, this is where we could you
go so much deeper because like with that data, then I can like
in other people too. But like how I operate is like,
I look at that data and it's like, OK, it looks like this is,
this is a constant. So let's work from there.
And then like in, in somatic sessions, which is things I
guide clients through, it's like, OK, with Alyssa's really
tight shoulders, can we go into that sensation?
Can we allow that sensation to be present?
And then a lot of times there's a stored memory or a stored
belief in, in that sensation that then we can help shift the
body's relationship too, because we don't want to get rid of it.
Like that part of people that feel invisible, Like there was a
time where it being invisible was actually put maybe like
saving you at some point. But then the nervous system and
the body took that as like, OK, well, it's, it's safe for us to
always be invisible. And they like overextended its
reach. So then it's, it's causing like
this rift of like, well, I want to be seen, but I also like,
there was a time I wanted to be invisible, but I wanted to be
seen now. And now and now there's like
this push and pull in the body and your, your body's literally
like fighting itself essentially because it has prior experience
where being invisible was safe, but it's also having this like
urge to be really seen and witnessed and where you are now.
And there's this incongruency that then we need to go in and
help the body like renegotiate how it views it.
So it's like, oh, we can be seen right now.
And again, not doing too much too fast, but like taking
moments where it was like I was really seen in that with my
stepchildren or I was really seen with that with my partner
or he's really hearing me. So it's almost also to not to
get on this train, but like your, your nervous system will
always go towards like a negativity bias.
And so it's also being aware of like, oh, my nervous system is
always going to look for the gap and where it's not working
versus where it's actually working.
So how can I look for proof that like, oh, in this instance I was
seen, even if like these five other instances, I was ignored,
this one instance I was seen. OK, that's proof.
If I can take that and I can build off of that, OK, I could
keep going. I have like another riff coming,
but I can stop for a second. You're Stephanie.
Wait, pause. What's your angiogram?
Do you know? I don't know.
I don't like pegging people as their own angiogram, but I feel
like I I figured you out a little bit.
Wait, OK, I have a question. Healing.
I feel like a lot of people imagine healing in general as
being like a very calming and like a healing thing.
A quote UN quote, like it's a it's like a yoga and calm and
like, isn't it an uncomfortable and painful experience?
Becca, stop laughing. You go.
But that is, yeah. I mean, she's absolutely right
though. When I think of that, that's
what I I do think of that and like healing, feel like I'm
like, you know, I don't know. I know whenever I feel like I've
healed, it wasn't a pleasant experience like I did certain
therapy to get past something that happened that was really,
really excruciating in my life and it was not fun.
It wasn't. I mean and.
You guys are preaching to the choir because of my whole
business is on doing the work. It's ugly and hard and
uncomfortable. And there are days when it's
like, Oh my God, why? Why do I do this?
And then why do I make my clients do this?
And it's the most rewarding and privileged thing in the entire
world because then I'm not passing this ish on to my kids
and they get to learn so much more.
So, yeah, I mean, it's definitely like, I'm not going
to give a percentage, but it's like, yeah, it can be the like
meditating and like doing some breath work.
But a lot of it is like sitting in the uncomfortable ish inside
your body and being able to hold it without picking up your phone
and scrolling or bypassing it with a cupcake or insert.
Like, you know, your favorite going in online and shopping.
It's like, this is so incredibly uncomfortable.
And I'm so like, even on Saturday night when I was laying
in bed and thinking of that version of me in high school
that failed the test, Well, like, this sucks, man.
I just want to be asleep. But no, I'm sitting with a high
school version of me so that I can like help move through some
stuff that is still stuck in my system where that is coming up
to be complete. And with that being said, and
this is, this is actually the train that I wanted to get on,
is that the amount, the capacity in which the I get, how do I
want to wear this? The willingness that you are
able to sit with the uncomfortable sensations is in a
direct correlation to the ability to hold joy, expansion,
fun, light happiness. So a lot of people that I work
with, they're like here, they like feel a little bit of
discomfort and they feel a little bit of happiness.
But like in my personal journey, the more that I've been able to
sit in all this uncomfortable ish that comes up for me, I am
so happy. I have so much more joy.
I can like be more present it. I'll never forget like last
summer I was making dinner nothing.
And I just told you guys that was a huge activator fee that
was like nothing to be happy about.
And I was literally starting to like cry in my kitchen because I
was so happy. And I was like, this is
fascinating. It's like this expansion feeling
in my chest and like, Oh my gosh, this is like the best
feeling. And from that moment, I've built
off of that because the body speaks in sensation.
So you can't think your way out of a feeling, but you can feel
your way into a new one. And so in the last six months or
nine months, I've been practicing holding joy and
happiness for longer, holding it for longer, holding it for
longer, making it a part of like my daily, like, where did I feel
joy today? How was this the best day ever?
And like being able to anchor that in because the way that you
can really shift your relationship in your home is by
working with a sensation and slowly learning how to hold and
move between different sensations.
I love. Love that, love that like
that's, it's, it makes sense because at some point though,
we're all born with this certain ability and I think some of us
lean into it more than others. And certain personality types
also have abilities to like feel a little bit more.
And so I think like, my husband and I are complete polar
opposites. And I'm like, you need to just
feel. You need to sit in the
uncomfortable and sit in your emotions, you know, and just to
process even. But yeah, that's like the very
tip of, you know, the depth of it.
But besides that, like what is the biggest misconception about
somatic healing besides that it's like the word healing and
that it's like calming and it's just relieving stress or trauma?
I mean, like kind of what I said earlier of like regulation work
and nervous or regulation and nervous system work are not the
same thing like at all. And that like it's never done.
Like, I mean, you can like pretend like you can pretend
that it's never done. But like, honestly, we're going
to spend our whole lives working through things that happen.
I mean, I had a traumatic event happen near my house like 4
summers ago and it's still something I'm working through.
And I like until we potentially move.
Like I don't know if the activation will go away until
that's till that time. So it's like I've learned to sit
in the uncomfortable and it'll continue to happen.
It's, it's, it's not a one and done.
And it's like once you peel back one layer, oh, there's another
layer and then you do another. But the beauty is, is that you
become more of who you're meant to be along the way.
Because I believe that many of us from an internal family
systems lens have just put on all these masks to please all
these people to fill all these roles.
And when you can slowly take away the masks and come back to
who you were always meant to be, it's really rewarding and it
feels really fulfilling to just be who you are and love who you
are at your core. Definitely.
So for someone who's listening right now and they just feel
like super overwhelmed or stuck, what would you want them to
hear? It doesn't have to be like all
it all at once. Like I was just listening to a
voice note from a friend and she's like, I feel like this is
going to take years because it can, I mean, it can we all are
carrying, you know, so much. And it's just honestly, it's
new. Come back into your body and
feel the sensation. If you can do that and you can
just slowly start to be like, OK, I feel this sensation.
It feels like this. I'm going to breathe, get into
it like that's huge. That's more than like 99% of the
population right now. And then the rest will will
come. But the more that you can just
be like, OK, I'm feeling this. And if you aren't feeling
anything because I do have clients coming to me like I
don't have sensation. That's where it's an invitation
to make. If this was a sensation, what
could that feel like? If I, if I am just getting
curious because again, the body is so brilliant and that when we
move through traumatic things or when we move through really hard
things, sometimes our brain and our body disconnect in order to
just keep us functioning in order, just keep us surviving.
And when that happens, it's no shame.
It was just doing what it was supposed to do.
But it's like, OK, if we want to build that bridge again, it's
like, OK, If I, if I, if I could guess what the sensation of
anger would feel like, what do I think that would feel like in my
system? Do I think it would feel
burning? Do I think it feel bubbly?
Do I think it would feel hot, but it feel tight and just get
creative. Honestly just starting to track
sensation, looking at your sensations, the color aspects of
it to me. Is making me laugh only because
I, I worked in Pediatrics for a few years and when kids would
come in and describe their pain or whatever, I would jokingly be
like, what color is the pain? You know?
And so I do it with my kids too, because it's a big hit that
they'll be like my daughter said, it's purple and like, Oh
no, it's purple. We'll have to cut it off.
That doesn't go over well. But anyways, I'm like, I'm very
used to figure out what color the pain is.
But will you just give us a quick like, what does it feel
like? And I know it's a forever
process, like you're constantly trying to evolve like your
mindset and everything that we're changing.
But what does it feel like when a client, you know, does the
process and does start some healing?
And what's the? What's a good word or two to sum
it up? I think I'd say like, it's a
homecoming. You're just like able to like
come back into your body and like feel at peace with who you
are and the things you've moved through.
And I think one of the most powerful things that we can move
through as women as to know that we've experienced like great
pain and great loss and great suffering.
And through that, we've just become the more like embodied
version of ourselves. So we were always meant to be.
So that's what I would. I love that.
That's beautiful. It's a homecoming.
Well, I love having you on. I know our listeners are going
to have a million questions and I know that there's so much more
beyond what we talked about and there's you go into so much too
if like workouts and everything. I don't know Becca, and I want
to have a side chat with you about that.
I was going to say, yeah, I want to talk to you about that.
It's so interesting. You don't mind letting our
listeners know you know where they can find you, what else
you're offering? And yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm on
Instagram, Maggie. So it's MEGGIE.
And then under score M, under score Martin.
There's another Maggie Martin in the world, apparently.
And she gets real mad when she gets my we gets my stuff.
Oh no, how dare she? I know.
And then I'm on Facebook also, but it's strength and somatic.
So it's my like business name and like my emails always open.
Hello at Maggie Martin. I love questions.
I love gigging out about the nervous system.
It's honestly like one of my favorite things to talk about
clearly. And you have like classes or
like clients that you can take in.
And you can maybe we're going to put together a code for our
listeners. So if you heard her here, you
can get a little bit of a discount.
Yeah, for sure. I just want to thank you so much
for being here today. I learned so much.
And yeah, we'll have to do a Part 2 one day, maybe talk about
working out and and all that good stuff and the eating
habits. I've seen a lot about that.
So stay tuned, stepmoms. We will see you next week.
And thank you again, Maggie. Yeah.
Thank you. Thank.
You. That's it for this week on
Stepmom Side Chats. We're Alyssa and Becca, your
stepmom besties before you go. If something we said hit a
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Keep giving yourself grace. You're doing better than you
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