1 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:07,640 Hey everyone, welcome to Stepmom side Chats. 2 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:11,280 We are your hosts, Alyssa and Rebecca. 2 stepmoms. 3 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,720 Who are done pretending everything's perfect. 4 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:17,160 This is where we talk boundaries, Co parenting, hard 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,360 truths, healing, and the stuff nobody says out loud. 6 00:00:20,560 --> 00:00:23,040 If you're ready for real talk, real growth and a little. 7 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:28,040 Bit of spice, Let's get into it. Welcome back everyone. 8 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:31,760 I'm so excited. This week we have our third 9 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:37,880 podcast guest on and I know so many people know her and some 10 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:41,120 don't have the privilege of knowing her yet, so I'm super 11 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:45,760 excited to announce her. This is Maggie with somatic 12 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:49,760 healing. She is a mom to four. 13 00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:54,960 She is helping her clients recover from whatever it may be 14 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:59,720 in all different forms. Maggie, if you want to kind of 15 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,880 introduce yourself a little bit more. 16 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:05,000 Yeah, yeah, of course. So I'm Maggie. 17 00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:13,280 My journey started basically I had four year or four kids in of 18 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:18,560 like five years and it. Oh my gosh. 19 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:22,760 Yeah, props too. It was like, honestly, it was 20 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:25,320 one of the biggest blessings. Like feel so blessed. 21 00:01:25,320 --> 00:01:28,520 And it was one of the most challenging seasons of my life 22 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:34,960 where I experienced extreme burnout to the point where I 23 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,680 developed psychosomatic symptoms. 24 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:38,760 I was losing my hair. I was gaining weight really 25 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:41,320 rapidly. I was having like mysterious 26 00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:45,120 stomach aches that doctors couldn't diagnose and came to 27 00:01:45,120 --> 00:01:50,040 find out that it was my nervous system and that it was basically 28 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,080 all of these stacked moments where I hadn't processed 29 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,880 emotions. I was not dealing with my 30 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:56,800 stress. I was just like shoving it away 31 00:01:56,800 --> 00:02:03,040 or eating it to feel better. And ended up going on this huge 32 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:06,920 journey to not just like work with my body, but also work with 33 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:10,520 my nervous system, heal my body, stress response, move through 34 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:14,600 some big traumas, and then decided that that's like the 35 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:17,040 most amazing, important work there is. 36 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,200 And that's kind of how I got started. 37 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:25,360 It's amazing really the journey that and you show it on your 38 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:27,400 Instagram page, so I know it very well. 39 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:33,640 I feel like you came full circle and I know a lot of people, so 40 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:37,240 you obviously know this is a step on platform, but it goes 41 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:40,360 beyond that because we deal with so many things outside of our 42 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:42,880 realm and outside of our control. 43 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:49,000 And we all end up carrying our stress and our anxiety in a 44 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:52,520 different way. And I know you and I had kind of 45 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:57,120 talked on the side about how like, for instance, I found out 46 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,640 that I carry my stress in my shoulders. 47 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,360 I have been told I need to like drop my shoulders. 48 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:06,080 I have to, I literally have to set an alarm on my phone three 49 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:11,600 times a day because I get these insane knots now in my back and 50 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:16,280 they've led to migraines. So it's all like kind of how you 51 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:21,040 explain it is better than me, but so I want you to explain to 52 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:24,680 Stepmom kind of how where we carry our stress effects 53 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:27,720 different parts of our body and then how you kind of target 54 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:33,200 those and combat like, you know, the symptoms so that we can 55 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:41,520 handle our stress better. Yeah, So all right, Well, stress 56 00:03:42,320 --> 00:03:44,760 essentially, you have to understand the nervous system 57 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:46,520 first. And I always like to explain it 58 00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:52,200 from, I use the polyvagal theory where if you imagine like a 59 00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:56,480 stoplight, you have green at the top and that's ventral bagel. 60 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,640 So that's when you feel safe, when you feel calm and you feel 61 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:00,840 connected, when you feel grounded, when you just feel 62 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,720 like in your flow. So if you think of something 63 00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:05,880 like fun that you love doing or if you have an activity that 64 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,600 just helps you feel really like in your body, that's ventral 65 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,000 bagel. And then you have sympathetic 66 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:15,320 response, which is like that fight, flight, flea energy. 67 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:17,760 So that's when there's like an activation in the system when 68 00:04:17,959 --> 00:04:23,720 starting to feel stressed or anxious or overwhelmed or angry 69 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:28,200 or frustrated or you know, any number of like things that kind 70 00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:31,400 of bring your system online where you're like starting to 71 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:34,080 have that energy mobilized in your system. 72 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:38,200 And then you have dorsal vagal, which is red at the bottom and 73 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,640 that's shut down. So that's like you're scrolling 74 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:42,960 on Instagram because you don't want to deal with like The Dirty 75 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:47,880 dishes in the sink or you're, you know, reading a book instead 76 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,200 of like doing all the things that you are on your To Do List 77 00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:54,520 or you can't get out of bed. Or a lot of like clients I work 78 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,840 with, it's like, I know I want to like work out, but I just 79 00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:57,960 like can't bring myself to do it. 80 00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:59,960 They're like in a little bit of like a shutdown. 81 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,400 Their body has basically been like, we have two, we were 82 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:06,600 carrying too much and we need you to take a beat and you're 83 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,520 not listening. So we're going to like force you 84 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,920 to take a beat is essentially what your body's doing. 85 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:16,400 And stress can happen anywhere because it actually is stored in 86 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:20,920 like our fascia. And one of the main places that 87 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:24,280 we store a lot of tension and stress is actually our hips. 88 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:28,760 And then also like you mentioned, your shoulders, your 89 00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:33,000 jaw. We also, I don't want to get 90 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,200 like too technical because I also am a somatic exercise 91 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:40,160 teacher, but we have our SOAS muscle which goes from our T12 92 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:43,600 and our spine and like wraps all the way down and that's actually 93 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,760 like our fight flight muscle. And so a lot of people who 94 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:50,240 experience like low back pain or sciatica, it's because you're so 95 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:53,680 as muscle, when you go into like a stress response, that muscle 96 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:57,360 constricts and it it stays constricted until you manually 97 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,800 release it. So in my personal opinion, like 98 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:03,360 everybody on the planet is walking around with a tight 99 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:06,560 constricted so as because we weren't told or taught how to 100 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:09,240 help our body release some of that tension. 101 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,840 So, Maggie. For me, I've never heard of 102 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:15,760 somatic healing before. Someone else who's never heard 103 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,600 of it before, how would you just explain it in simple terms? 104 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,680 Yeah. So the word soma means into the 105 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,960 body. So basically the term somatics 106 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,440 is just about learning how to get into your body. 107 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:30,200 A lot of people, pretty much everybody lives very much in 108 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:33,360 your head. And the body doesn't speak in 109 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:38,240 words, it speaks in sensation. So the somatic healing like that 110 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:41,520 word would be like helping you reconnect with like what your 111 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,120 body is speaking and saying by starting to learn like the 112 00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:47,040 sensations that your body speaks and then allowing you to kind of 113 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,320 build that connection between your brain and your body. 114 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:51,560 That's so interesting. Do you have like a medical 115 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,400 background or like I know you talked a little bit about, you 116 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,960 know, going through that period of time when you had all four 117 00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:01,080 kids, you know, very rapidly, but like, did you start training 118 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,640 yourself on this? How did you kind of like think 119 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:06,560 to yourself, this is what I want to, you know, have my platform 120 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:10,160 be based upon? Yeah, so basically what happened 121 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:13,480 is I ended up healing like healing myself, got some blood 122 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,600 work done, worked with somebody who knew the nervous system was 123 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:18,920 and was basically like you, you're in burnout, you're in 124 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:22,480 adrenal fatigue. Like I had all of these markers. 125 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,040 And so I took an interest in myself to learn about the 126 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:29,880 nervous system and then ended up creating like a program that was 127 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:34,080 super successful in helping moms release weight. 128 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,280 But I was noticing that around like the three-week mark, people 129 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,720 would quit, people would stop, people would ghost, people would 130 00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,640 be like they would just drop off. 131 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,440 And I was like, there is something here that's happening 132 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:47,280 from a nervous system, like somatic level that I want to 133 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:52,960 address my one of my core values is like, I don't, if you come to 134 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,760 work with me, I want you to give you results that like last, that 135 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:58,120 you would like, never have to like go work with, quote UN 136 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,520 quote, somebody again, because you I gave you the tools, the 137 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:04,000 resources, the knowledge so that you could like take it and run 138 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,320 with it. And because that was happening, 139 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:09,480 I ended up going and getting trained through rooted, which is 140 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:13,080 the school of somatic arts and did level 1 and level 2. 141 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:18,200 And then also was trained under Liz Tento, the workout witch for 142 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,480 somatic exercises. So kind of went like balls to 143 00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:25,000 the walls of like, how much can I learn so that I can continue 144 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,680 to develop and implement and integrate in my own way, but 145 00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,880 then also help others on their journey as well. 146 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,960 The workout, which I've never heard of but that's amazing. 147 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:36,039 Becca's very into the work outside of all of this too. 148 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:42,440 So let me think for a second. So I Long story short, I have 149 00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:47,440 found out how I carry my stress and I know that it's causing XY 150 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:49,400 and Z. Essentially it's being carried 151 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,760 in my shoulders and it's causing these migraines. 152 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,480 And so for stepmom that are experiencing the stress that 153 00:08:55,480 --> 00:08:58,720 they don't get to control the outside stress coming inside, 154 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:04,400 how can we help ourselves? And I know you kind of speak on 155 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:10,120 like the internal source and how we can help our system and 156 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:14,120 holding ourselves differently and postural wise and releasing 157 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:18,640 and what basic knowledge can anyone that doesn't have the 158 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,480 course yet take with them to kind of understand how we can 159 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:25,200 help ourselves? Yeah, so first you have to 160 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,640 understand your nervous system. So that's where I use the 161 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,560 visual, like a Poly bagel stop late at night. 162 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,080 If I was smart, I would have like had a visual for you guys, 163 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:35,440 but I didn't grab one. You're good. 164 00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:40,760 So if you can imagine a stoplight green is ventral, 165 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,760 vagal, safe, calm and connected and grounded. 166 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,560 And then you have the yellow and which is like sympathetic 167 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,960 activation. So thinking like fight, flight, 168 00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:50,920 fleet, fawn energy. And that's when you're anxious, 169 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:52,640 frustrated, overwhelmed, annoyed. 170 00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,200 Like insert being a mom and then inspire. 171 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,920 Being a stepmom capital A on annoyed. 172 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:02,960 Yes. So, so you've got yellow 173 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,840 sympathetic and then you have red which is dorsal vagal and 174 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:10,120 that's basically like shut down, numbing, disassociating and 175 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:12,280 that's you've got like all three. 176 00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:16,240 So in order to really understand your body and what's happening, 177 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:18,800 you would first need to understand like what state are 178 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:20,440 you operating in throughout the day? 179 00:10:20,760 --> 00:10:25,240 So in with the clients that I work with, most women are 180 00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:29,160 operating between yellow and red and they're basically just 181 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:32,120 bouncing between, which is creating a functional freeze. 182 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:35,560 And functional freeze is when like you can get up and you can 183 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:38,160 get your kids ready for school and you can like go through all 184 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:40,560 the motions. But then when it comes time to 185 00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:42,600 doing the things like you said you were going to do, like I 186 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,360 said, I was going to like go for a walk or I said I was going to 187 00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:48,000 work out, or I said I was going to eat clean or I said I was 188 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,320 going to, you know, get to that junk drawer that's sitting in my 189 00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:54,000 kitchen that's like overflowing with a bunch of crap. 190 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:59,280 Guilty and you can't you can't bring yourself to do it because 191 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,200 you don't actually have the space inside your nervous system 192 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,280 and you're just bouncing between these two states. 193 00:11:04,280 --> 00:11:09,040 So first of all, most people in my experience don't find ventral 194 00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:12,040 vagal that top that green place where you feel safe, calm and 195 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:14,680 connected very often. So that's usually one of the 196 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:18,160 first things is like, OK, getting really curious around, 197 00:11:18,160 --> 00:11:21,960 like what helps you feel safe, what helps you feel joyful? 198 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,920 What what gets you into your body? 199 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:27,040 What allows allows you to bring some of that like childlike 200 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:31,320 wonder that we lose as adults into that green space. 201 00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,440 And so that would be like, the first thing is like 202 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:36,600 understanding where you fall throughout the day. 203 00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:40,720 And then the second thing is that, like I said earlier, your 204 00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:44,920 body speaks in sensations. So one of it's it's amazing and 205 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,560 it can be incredibly frustrating, but one of the 206 00:11:46,560 --> 00:11:49,080 things is to start tracking the sensations in your body. 207 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:53,440 So for example, for me, I spent decades thinking that the 208 00:11:53,440 --> 00:11:56,120 burning in my belly was like a gut disease. 209 00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:58,160 Like I got tested for Celiac's disease. 210 00:11:58,160 --> 00:12:01,240 I got tested for like a ton of different things. 211 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,880 The burning in my belly, you guys, was just my body having an 212 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:07,440 activation and me not knowing how to listen. 213 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:11,680 And so now that I've spent the last however many years doing 214 00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:14,600 this work, whenever my belly is burning, I'm like, oh, OK, here 215 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,480 it is again. Like what's coming up for me? 216 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:18,920 Like what, what do I need? How can I support myself? 217 00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,440 Like what does this burning in my belly need? 218 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:24,960 Because a lot of times what happened and what I, what a lot 219 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:28,880 of my clients experience is that you have a sensation and that 220 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:31,640 sensation is uncomfortable and you don't know how to hold it. 221 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:35,480 And so we try to bypass, escape, avoid numb, whether it's opening 222 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:39,840 our phone, turning to food, using alcohol, like insert some 223 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,400 sort of behavior that you're engaging in that maybe is a 224 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:45,920 little disembodied. It's because we were not trained 225 00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:48,920 or told or taught how to hold the sensation in your body. 226 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:52,440 So with like the tightness in your shoulders, I would be like, 227 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:56,360 OK, can you like, can we explore that tightness? 228 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:59,200 Because I wouldn't be surprised if there's like some underlying 229 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:03,040 sensations or stories that are attached to that and that as 230 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:05,560 you're going throughout your day, those shoulders are just 231 00:13:05,560 --> 00:13:08,560 getting tighter and tighter and tighter and without allowing the 232 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:11,600 body to. And this is where I get a little 233 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:15,680 like soapboxy because right now regulation work is very popular. 234 00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:18,760 Like you can throw a coin and find like a nervous system 235 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:21,800 expert or a like a regulation person. 236 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,160 It's everywhere. It's all on social media. 237 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,640 Nervous some. Nervous. 238 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:29,720 Some nervous system. It is and regulation and nervous 239 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:34,280 system work are not the same. So regulation for regulation 240 00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:38,200 sake keeps you in the cycle. So like if if I were, if I 241 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,320 wanted to keep you in the cycle, Alyssa, of like your shoulders 242 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,360 hurting in the migraines, I would be like, OK, just like do 243 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:46,120 some breath work or just like do some meditation, like just like 244 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:49,040 regulate your nervous system, but all that. 245 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:54,240 Honestly, like harmful advice that we get, it's horrible. 246 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:59,280 It's just it's a Band-Aid for a deeper like root cause issue and 247 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,400 it makes me a little crack, right? 248 00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:07,000 So I would so my point being is like instead instead nervous 249 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:09,840 system work is actually like, OK, can we sit with the 250 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:12,640 tightness in your shoulders? Like can you can you give me a 251 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:14,360 color? Can you give me a texture? 252 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,400 Can you give me as like as is there a sight? 253 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:18,720 Is there a sound? Can you make that sensation in 254 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,160 your shoulders a louder? Because what people don't want 255 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,160 to do is they don't want to sit with it and sitting with it is 256 00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,720 actually how you create a pathway of release inside the 257 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,080 body. So OK, I hope you guys are OK 258 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,280 for me going on this train and it applies. 259 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,880 Yeah, we love it. It does apply. 260 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:38,360 I think it'll, it'll apply very much for like the stepmom 261 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:41,760 dynamic and just the because you're like, OK, OK, so I want 262 00:14:41,760 --> 00:14:43,600 you to imagine that you have this like suitcase. 263 00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:48,840 OK, so you have this suitcase and inside that suitcase is your 264 00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:51,800 kids and then your step kids and then you're like your ex 265 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,120 partner. If you have an ex partner and 266 00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,360 your current partner and then your family dynamic and then 267 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:58,160 your work and your job and your past the lived experience. 268 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:00,880 So you're you have this suitcase and it is chock full. 269 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:02,960 It has like all the things inside of it. 270 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:06,520 And most people are walking around with a suitcase that is 271 00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:09,080 like is literally like you're stuffing it and you're trying to 272 00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:12,960 like get the zipper to like clothes or you're like dreading 273 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,640 to go put it on the thing and be like, please don't be 50 lbs or 274 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:19,360 over 50 lbs. And what's happening as people 275 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,120 are like, OK, just just like regulate a little bit. 276 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,960 Well, what happens is, and I know that we're listening and 277 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:29,000 we're not watching, but like when you have this suitcase. 278 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:31,800 Some are watching. Yeah, some will be watching, 279 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,160 yes. OK, well just imagine that 280 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:36,120 suitcase with like all these little bubbles. 281 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:40,840 OK, so like, let's say this is like your dynamic with your step 282 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,760 kids, K And like one of them activates you like it's going to 283 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:44,840 happen. It's part of the human 284 00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:47,800 experience, but you're regulating. 285 00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,800 So it's like, oh, I just need to take some deep breaths. 286 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,880 So you like regulate for a second and it like breaks up a 287 00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:56,200 little bit of that bubble. But because you didn't create 288 00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:59,280 like an actual pathway of release, and I'll explain what 289 00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:02,400 that means in a second, that all these little like bubbles that 290 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,960 you just created go right back into that thing so that when 291 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:09,680 your step son or stepdaughter like does something activating 292 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,800 again, you're like back up into an activation and nothing 293 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,160 actually changed. Does that make sense? 294 00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:18,560 Yeah, it's literally the the, what's the saying? 295 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:22,480 That's like what's redundant or you doing the same thing over 296 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:23,040 and over. Yes. 297 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:26,920 Yes, yes, 100%. And so this is so like that's 298 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:29,720 regulation. So nervous system work is, is 299 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:35,520 actually going deeper and being like, OK, so I have this, what 300 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:37,040 do I want to how do I want to phrase it? 301 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,920 I have this very intricate relationship with like my step 302 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:43,640 son or my stepdaughter. And it's nuanced, it's layered. 303 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,400 It's not like this like easy relationship to build upon 304 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,560 because there's previous lived experiences and there's 305 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,040 preconceived notions and there's all those things, right? 306 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:55,640 So instead, when you're in this activation, it would be like, 307 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:59,560 OK, I'm feeling activated. I feel that burning sensation in 308 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,320 my belly or I feel that tightness in my shoulders. 309 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,119 OK, I'm going to breathe into that tightness and I'm going to 310 00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:06,480 see if I can make it like 2% louder. 311 00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,599 OK, it's 2% louder. Is there a color? 312 00:17:08,599 --> 00:17:10,680 Is there a texture? Is there is there a smell? 313 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:13,520 Is there a sight? Oh, OK, actually it's like black 314 00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,560 and sticky and it feels really tarry. 315 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,880 And it's like, Oh my God, I feel like I can't breathe right now. 316 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:21,760 OK, can I breathe and just take a big breath in, Allow it? 317 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,280 Because actually what's happening is most of the time 318 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:27,319 and activation needs 30 to 90 seconds to complete. 319 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,520 And we don't give it 30 to 90 seconds. 320 00:17:29,520 --> 00:17:32,200 We give it like 2 seconds and then we're yelling or we're 321 00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,280 stomping away or picking up our phone or where. 322 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:38,160 It's all we can handle and then we want to like, just push it 323 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,760 away and pretend it doesn't exist. 324 00:17:40,520 --> 00:17:43,800 But that keeps you in the cycle, that keeps you, that keeps you 325 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:47,040 in that loop. And so nervous system, real 326 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:50,280 nervous system work is when you create a pathway of release of 327 00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:54,360 like, oh, that was so activating to me because and I'll always 328 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:56,280 use me like I always use myself as an example. 329 00:17:56,280 --> 00:17:59,640 Like I had an activation this weekend and I was like feeling 330 00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:02,640 really sad. I had like, I wanted to cry and 331 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,040 and I had no reason to cry. There was nothing sad going on. 332 00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,000 It was a great Saturday, like nothing was happening, but I 333 00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,640 could not figure it out. And I as a busy mom, I don't 334 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:13,680 have a lot of time to like sit in the in like, what is this? 335 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:16,000 Why am I feeling this way? But when I was going to bed, I 336 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,080 was like, OK, I'm going to take two minutes. 337 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,640 Like what, what is this? And I was sitting with the 338 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:23,560 pressure behind my eyes. And immediately I was like, I 339 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:26,160 remember when I was in high school and I studied really hard 340 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:30,360 for a test and I failed it. And in business, sometimes you 341 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,400 can try really, really hard and the the thing that you want or 342 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:34,840 the thing they're going after doesn't work. 343 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:39,120 And it was the same thing. So my body was having was was 344 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:42,840 feeling the sadness sensation because I was doing the same 345 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:47,280 thing now at 38 that I was doing at 18. 346 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:51,160 But it was reliving my experience as an 18 year old. 347 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,440 Does that make sense? Would you call that like a 348 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,320 trigger? I mean, I don't like the word 349 00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:59,480 trigger because trigger implies that it's their fault, not my 350 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,560 fault. So I always use the word 351 00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,600 activated. Like I'm feeling really 352 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,120 activated. And I use it with my kids all 353 00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:07,280 the time. Like this morning, like gave 354 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,560 them a very specific list of the things that they needed to do 355 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,560 before they left the house. Did they do them? 356 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,480 No, And I was like, I'm feeling really activated, you guys. 357 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,880 I left you a list. I told you specific instructions 358 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:18,520 like that makes me feel invisible. 359 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,320 Continuing to just stress like nervous as American regulation, 360 00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:23,600 not the same when you can do nervous system work. 361 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,520 You look at internal family systems where it's parts and 362 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:30,000 like all of those parts play. And so it's like I'm feeling 363 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,160 invisible. I know that when I feel 364 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,440 invisible, I get really angry. So then I can work with the part 365 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:37,040 of me that feels invisible instead of screaming at my kids. 366 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:38,920 It was like, OK, Maggie, you're feeling invisible right now. 367 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:40,160 Can you just take a couple deep breaths? 368 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,320 Like I see you, You wrote out that list. 369 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,680 I'm really proud of you for doing that. 370 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:44,880 We'll get there when we get there. 371 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:45,760 And it's fine. And there. 372 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:49,600 It wasn't a big activation, but I still had to like, talk myself 373 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,120 through it. No, that's really interesting. 374 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:53,520 I wanted to go back to something you were kind of just talking 375 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:56,480 about how you were remembering something from when you were in 376 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:58,640 high school and then something, you know, you know, currently 377 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,120 just happened. And I think for a lot of 378 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,040 stepmoms, we can really relate to that. 379 00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:07,560 And I think why we are activated so frequently is because we have 380 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:11,280 past trauma or, you know, different childhood attachment 381 00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,440 styles. And then it shows up in our 382 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,480 stepmom life. We're activated constantly. 383 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,120 And I would say, you know, I would argue to say that we're 384 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:23,440 more activated than a typical nuclear family because of all 385 00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:26,160 the layered parts of a blended family. 386 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:30,280 So I'm interested to see. Hear what you think about how 387 00:20:30,280 --> 00:20:34,320 trauma lives in the body and how that all you know aligns 388 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,160 together. Yeah, I mean, here's the thing. 389 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:41,720 It's like, how? How OK, I'm just going to be 390 00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:45,240 honest, I mean, like if, if, if you're continuing and this is 391 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,040 this goes for like me as well. Like if I'm continuing to get 392 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,600 activated over the same things over and over again, that just 393 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:54,040 means that I have work to do inside my system to help create 394 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:57,240 those pathways of release or shift my relationship to it. 395 00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:00,840 So it's like, it's like, OK, when you're dealing with so many 396 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:04,160 different dynamics and like, like you have your own. 397 00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:07,480 So the goal of nervous system work is to decrease the 398 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,320 intensity, duration and frequency of an activation. 399 00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:13,960 Like that is the goal of nervous system work slash like 400 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,840 technically regulation, but like real nervous system work is to 401 00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,040 lower the intensity, duration and frequency of activation. 402 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:22,120 So like if you're having consistent activations as a 403 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:25,120 stepmom and there's and this, there's certain things that are 404 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:27,760 happening frequently where you're noticing your system 405 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:30,040 getting charged, you're noticing like you're getting a 406 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,080 sympathetic response. The first thing you would want 407 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,320 to do is start to track it. So what that means is like, OK, 408 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,000 what was the sensation I feel in my body? 409 00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:38,640 What was the activation that happened? 410 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,760 What was my, what was the emotion attached to that? 411 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:46,760 And I have trackers, I can share them, but it's really helpful 412 00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:48,840 because it allows you to see patterns. 413 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:51,600 And then once you can see patterns, then you can see OK. 414 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:55,280 If you're familiar with internal family systems, which if you 415 00:21:55,280 --> 00:21:58,240 aren't, I'll give you like a really quick 32nd 30. 416 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,400 Yes, please do for our listeners. 417 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,880 I've been raised searching so much about it and it's it's so 418 00:22:03,880 --> 00:22:05,720 interesting. Yeah, I mean, it'll change your 419 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,120 life. So Internal Family Systems 420 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:09,920 basically believes that we are a compilation of all these parts. 421 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:13,640 And these parts are broken into three different like sections. 422 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,000 The first is managers. And the managers are the 423 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,280 caretaker, the people pleaser, the perfectionist, the 424 00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:21,960 controller, the anxious thinker, and essentially like even work 425 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,800 with a client. And we did, we discovered like 426 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,920 an ER part. So like you can even like name 427 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:27,760 your own parts and so it's not doesn't have to be like 428 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,280 clinical. It was like, I really feel like 429 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,400 this is an ER. Part I was like, did I hear 430 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:32,640 that? Did I hear that right? 431 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:35,080 Eeyore? Yeah, this. 432 00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:38,720 Like like she just like has these moments where she's like 433 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,160 everything's not working. Like like, so it was like this 434 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,520 feels like an ER part. It was honestly, it's been like 435 00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:45,840 transformational for her. So it's been really cool. 436 00:22:45,960 --> 00:22:48,000 But those are like your protector parts and they're your 437 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,600 first line of defense. OK. 438 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:53,600 And then you have firefighters and firefighters are if you're, 439 00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:57,520 if your manager couldn't get the job done, the firefighters come 440 00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:59,880 in. So that's anger, blame, that's 441 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:02,200 state changing. So think emotional eating 442 00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:06,040 alcohol, it's disassociating, it's online shopping, It's 443 00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:09,400 anything to like get out of the activation as quickly as 444 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,440 possible. And then you have exiles. 445 00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,280 And exiles are the parts of ourselves that we've essentially 446 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:17,080 like pushed away, shoved away, put in a little box, 447 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:20,560 compartmentalized. And exiles are typically, but 448 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:23,120 not always like formed in childhood. 449 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:26,360 So they are the parts of us that feel abandoned and invisible, 450 00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:31,040 ignored, traumatized, shamed, not good enough, not worthy. 451 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:35,200 And that they form in like these micro moments where a need we 452 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,360 had like didn't get met or we were told we weren't good enough 453 00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:42,120 or like insert something. I think everybody can think of a 454 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:44,880 time I was like, Oh yeah, that totally like land for me. 455 00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:49,520 So what happens as a mom, in my experience and as a stepmom, I 456 00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:53,360 feel like it's potentially even more like amplified is you have 457 00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:57,040 all of these parts and like I kind of said earlier, it's like, 458 00:23:57,040 --> 00:24:01,240 OK, I'm running a household or I'm, I have these family 459 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:04,800 dynamics and I'm asking, you know, hey, can you please take 460 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:06,920 out the trash? And then it's like, I don't want 461 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:10,640 to take out the trash. Well, then my like, my gosh, my 462 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,720 firefighter, my anger, well, I just asked you to take out 463 00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:14,640 trash. It's not that hard. 464 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,000 Like please just take out the trash. 465 00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,160 And then you're like getting activated and your anger is 466 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:22,200 coming forward and it's all to protect this part of you that is 467 00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:25,400 likely feeling invisible or is feeling not good enough or not 468 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:27,520 heard. So from an internal family 469 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:31,680 systems lens, that's where we work with this exile because if 470 00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:35,080 we can shift our relationship with the exile of the not good 471 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,000 enough part or the invisible part or the ignored part, then 472 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:41,560 that helps decrease the like the beginning activation in the 473 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:43,640 intensity, the duration and the frequency. 474 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:48,560 So like an example that I can give you guys for this is I used 475 00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:51,960 to get extremely activated during cooking dinner. 476 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:55,400 So my house is loud, the TV's on, the kids are screaming, 477 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:56,920 they're fighting, they're bickering, they're hungry, 478 00:24:56,920 --> 00:24:58,240 they're already complaining about dinner. 479 00:24:58,240 --> 00:24:59,920 And I haven't even finished making it yet. 480 00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:06,280 Like it was like a. Whole Yep, this is what I call 481 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:10,360 overstimulation. So that's an activation, yes. 482 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,760 Yeah, so I would get so I would be overwhelmed. 483 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:20,040 I would get angry in that anger. I would go into the pantry and I 484 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:22,360 would stuff a bunch of mangoes in my face because I'm state 485 00:25:22,360 --> 00:25:23,960 changing. Like I want to feel better. 486 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:26,920 I don't want to hold the anger. I want to like to make myself 487 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:28,440 feel better, so I would go into the pantry. 488 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:29,960 I would eat a bunch of dried mangoes. 489 00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:33,080 I would continue to make dinner. At least it's a healthy choice. 490 00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:34,720 I thought you were going to say you were going to go in the 491 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:37,120 pantry and stuff a bunch of Oreos in your mouth, but you 492 00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:38,560 said dried mangoes. I'm like, OK, where's? 493 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,200 The Little Debbie treat. OK, but like, those are big, 494 00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:44,200 Maggie. The dried mangoes add up quick 495 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:45,400 man. Those are those are some. 496 00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:51,040 Those are some sugary carbs. Step moms, how are you coping 497 00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,600 with transition day? I'll tell you how I am. 498 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:58,520 I'm lighting my big ass candles to calm my big ass anxieties and 499 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:01,040 honestly it changes the whole mood of the house. 500 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,760 Same chaos, just calmer vibes and way better energy. 501 00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:08,760 We're obsessed with big ass candles from big ass luxuries. 502 00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:13,080 Yep, the ones from Shark Tank. If you want to try one, use code 503 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,200 stepmom at checkout for a discount. 504 00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:20,560 That's code temom at checkout. Big ass candles because temom 505 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,600 life comes with big ass feelings. 506 00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:33,160 So what ended up happening is as I shifted because I was getting 507 00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:35,760 activated during dinner, because it was loud, because it was, I 508 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,080 was, you know, lots of noises and I was tired. 509 00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:41,080 It was the end of the day. So I had to help myself. 510 00:26:41,080 --> 00:26:43,760 That's where the Poly bagel stoplight comes back into play. 511 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:46,720 I had to help myself with like, what are things that I can do to 512 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:49,560 help me feel safe, calm and connected while making dinner? 513 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:51,400 Music. I love music. 514 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,120 I'll put music that makes me feel good. 515 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:55,800 I'll dance. TV doesn't get to be on point 516 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:57,880 blank like no sound. I cannot have conflicting 517 00:26:57,880 --> 00:26:59,880 sounds. I created a face inside my 518 00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:01,800 kitchen called the no, like the hot zone. 519 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,760 It'd be like you cannot be in the hot zone right now. 520 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:06,040 You can be anywhere else in the house but do not come into my 521 00:27:06,040 --> 00:27:07,640 hot zone. So it was setting boundaries. 522 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:11,280 Love that hot zone party of two please. 523 00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:13,840 Yeah. So it was setting boundaries and 524 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:17,600 being very clear about it. It was helping my body find 525 00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:20,520 that, like, what are ways I can access a little bit of green? 526 00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:24,000 And then it was shifting my relationship with the anger 527 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,480 because the anger was protecting a part of myself that felt 528 00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:29,160 invisible. So if I feel invisible, how can 529 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:32,080 I help myself be seen? OK, well, I can take a couple 530 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:33,600 seconds. Like, Maggie, I heard that you 531 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:35,640 asked them to get their dirty socks off the counter. 532 00:27:35,840 --> 00:27:37,520 Thank you so much for saying that calmly. 533 00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:39,680 Let's take a breath and we can try again. 534 00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:43,400 You are not invisible like you're here and I hear you. 535 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:48,240 So that helped shift. So now dinner, it's not really 536 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,160 an issue. I'm not getting activated. 537 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,720 I took something that was incredibly activating to me two 538 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:56,640 years ago and have shifted my relationship with it created, 539 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,440 like I said on here, a little pathway of release. 540 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:02,760 So that like dinner bubble that was like taking up so much space 541 00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:06,120 is now like a little blip instead of like a giant circle 542 00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:09,040 in my nervous system capacity. Does that make sense? 543 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:10,480 Oh yeah, that definitely makes sense. 544 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:14,240 And I think it's just none of us had worded it that way, but we 545 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:17,840 kind of work through things or avoid things very similarly 546 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:20,400 because I know we talked with stepmoms about quote UN quote 547 00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:22,080 triggers. I know we probably need to 548 00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:25,400 reword it, but then like also isolating. 549 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:30,720 And I guess what would you refer to as trauma if because a lot of 550 00:28:30,760 --> 00:28:34,920 stepmoms are traumatized or it's like a traumatic triggering 551 00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:38,240 experience, you know, to relive some of the stuff. 552 00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:42,040 Yeah, it's like the reopening of past wounds, almost. 553 00:28:42,040 --> 00:28:45,160 And it's like being a. Stepmom just like makes it come 554 00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:49,120 up, and I think that if you're not a stepmom, that might not be 555 00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:55,280 as prevalent as if you weren't. Yeah, so a lot of people 556 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:59,840 misunderstand trauma. So trauma is either too much, 557 00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:05,040 too fast of something or it is, Oh my gosh, it is where your 558 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:08,880 body didn't get to complete the stress cycle in the event. 559 00:29:09,280 --> 00:29:13,480 So like if you can think of like a traumatic event and I will 560 00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:17,160 use, I will use an example of like a couple years ago, I was 561 00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:20,560 walking down the sidewalk. I had the Kleenex in my biker 562 00:29:20,560 --> 00:29:24,560 shorts and a dog walked past me and it literally jumped and like 563 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:29,000 bit my hip and I fond I was like like this dog just bit me and it 564 00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,960 like hurt like a mofo and I just like pretended it was fine 565 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:33,640 because I went into my people pleasing. 566 00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:36,160 I have a very active people pleaser and was like, it's fine. 567 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:38,160 Your dog didn't just like take a bite out of my hip. 568 00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:42,760 But then when I got home, I had like a huge like that dog bit me 569 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:45,160 and like I didn't speak up for myself and I was, I didn't push 570 00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:46,920 it away. I just like laughed it off like 571 00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:48,280 it was funny. Like it wasn't funny. 572 00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:51,920 Like I had a bruise on my hip. It was like this huge thing so 573 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:55,680 that that event in most of society, things like the trauma 574 00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:58,480 was the dog biting me. That was not the traumatic 575 00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:00,600 event. The traumatic event is that I 576 00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:04,400 didn't respond in the way that my body wanted me to respond. 577 00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:09,200 I fond instead of like fighting, so I worked with my mentor 578 00:30:09,320 --> 00:30:13,080 because what happens is when we are carrying trauma, when we are 579 00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:16,960 reliving and experience in our head or we're noticing like 580 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:20,320 continue activations around a similar like theme or pattern. 581 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:24,040 It's your body trying to get basically allow that 582 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:27,200 mobilization of energy that didn't get to be completed back 583 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:29,200 in the event. Is that making sense? 584 00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:31,680 So it's like. Yes, Yeah. 585 00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:35,280 I was going to say, I think that that relates to me. 586 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:38,160 I kind of understand it. Becca, are you looking hesitant? 587 00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:41,800 Because I think it's true. I'm thinking of a traumatic 588 00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:45,800 experience that I had and I think it might not have actually 589 00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:48,560 been as traumatic if I had responded different. 590 00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:52,480 Not that like I could have been the moment because like my body 591 00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:55,320 kind of just went to a certain response and it was like a 592 00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:57,480 safety response. I don't know. 593 00:30:57,480 --> 00:30:59,640 I think that there is truth to that. 594 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:03,920 That makes sense to me. But again, that's only if we 595 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,880 respond correctly to it. I don't know how you respond 596 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,080 correctly to it. And it's like fight or flight 597 00:31:09,080 --> 00:31:11,280 moment, you know? Yeah, No, definitely. 598 00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:15,480 I think because my background, my educational background is in 599 00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:19,160 trauma, but typically with children who experience really 600 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:21,440 significant trauma. So I think when I think of 601 00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:26,320 trauma, I think of like really complex chronic trauma that 602 00:31:26,320 --> 00:31:28,720 occurs repeatedly lead through a child's life. 603 00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:32,840 And so I think sometimes in that sense, a child's reaction to 604 00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:37,360 trauma is uncontrollable and it's like sexual abuse, physical 605 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:40,800 abuse, like no matter what their nervous system response was, 606 00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:45,080 that is trauma. So that was the only thing I was 607 00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:48,320 like thinking about, but I don't know from a lens of, of this 608 00:31:48,320 --> 00:31:51,480 where it's like maybe a little bit more like acute trauma. 609 00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:52,960 I don't know what your thoughts are on that. 610 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:55,000 I thought, I know you know, probably so much about this. 611 00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:57,640 So that's why I was curious to see what you, what you thought 612 00:31:57,640 --> 00:32:00,840 for like our stepmoms who might have experienced more like 613 00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:04,120 chronic trauma and really like significant trauma. 614 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:08,480 Yeah, I mean, it's still so the book Waking the Tiger Within by 615 00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:10,680 Peter Levine. Do you know what the book I'm 616 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:11,440 talking about? Yeah. 617 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:16,160 Yes, yes. So like I think of that's where 618 00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:20,000 like, so I'm trained in internal thymus systems, somatic 619 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:22,720 experience in polyvagal theory. And like that's where I pull a 620 00:32:22,720 --> 00:32:27,360 lot from somatic experiencing because in big T or little T, 621 00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:31,960 it's going back into the with like a professional going back 622 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:35,000 into the memory and allowing the body to mobilize that energy 623 00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:37,840 that didn't get to, because that's where the like the 624 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,160 shoulders creep out. That's like where the chronic 625 00:32:40,160 --> 00:32:43,480 symptoms, those psychosomatic symptoms get developed when the 626 00:32:43,640 --> 00:32:47,720 body, when we when we experience something traumatic and the body 627 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:51,520 didn't get able to complete the cycle, then it keeps a loop open 628 00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:54,160 in the system. And then the body is continuing 629 00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:57,520 trying to close that loop and it can't close the loop because 630 00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:00,240 it's not getting the complete stress cycle. 631 00:33:00,240 --> 00:33:03,320 So it's like I had to work with my mentor after getting bit by 632 00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:06,600 the dog where she walked me through this thing where I used 633 00:33:06,640 --> 00:33:10,000 somatic experiencing to help push the dog away and basically 634 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:12,000 like swear at the dog, like get off me. 635 00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:15,920 Like I got to go back into the memory and do what my body 636 00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:19,920 wanted to do, but what I couldn't do because I fond like 637 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,880 OK, does that make sense? Yeah, no, that totally makes 638 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:24,880 sense. I think like basically you have 639 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:26,920 to process your trauma. Is that what I'm hearing you 640 00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:31,440 say, process your trauma to be able to maybe not be activated 641 00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:33,840 in those situations? Because I think with a lot of 642 00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:37,240 stepmoms, their experience, what we see all the time when we talk 643 00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:39,480 to our stepmoms is they feel invisible. 644 00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:40,960 They feel like a guest in their home. 645 00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:44,200 So I would imagine, you know, that stepmoms felt like that 646 00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:47,160 when they were younger and maybe there was like traumatic events 647 00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:49,920 that happened that contributed to that feeling. 648 00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:53,280 So speaking from like an example like that, like what would you 649 00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:57,160 say to a stepmom who's like, I constantly feel invisible, I 650 00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,240 feel ignored, I feel all of these things. 651 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:03,880 And I know my nervous system is being reactivated by these 652 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:06,680 interactions with my step kids that make me feel this way. 653 00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:11,199 So like how can I help myself? I mean, that's where it comes. 654 00:34:11,239 --> 00:34:13,239 People don't like this answer, but that's where it literally 655 00:34:13,239 --> 00:34:15,920 comes to like tracking where you're starting. 656 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:19,159 You're like making a journal of like this was the activation. 657 00:34:19,159 --> 00:34:20,960 This was the sensation of my body. 658 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:24,600 This was the this the emotion that I felt with it. 659 00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:28,239 This is how long it lasted. Because without that, at least I 660 00:34:28,239 --> 00:34:31,040 guess, and this is where it's like, this is where we could you 661 00:34:31,040 --> 00:34:34,880 go so much deeper because like with that data, then I can like 662 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:37,159 in other people too. But like how I operate is like, 663 00:34:37,159 --> 00:34:40,000 I look at that data and it's like, OK, it looks like this is, 664 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:42,800 this is a constant. So let's work from there. 665 00:34:43,199 --> 00:34:47,639 And then like in, in somatic sessions, which is things I 666 00:34:47,639 --> 00:34:50,400 guide clients through, it's like, OK, with Alyssa's really 667 00:34:50,400 --> 00:34:53,120 tight shoulders, can we go into that sensation? 668 00:34:53,120 --> 00:34:54,840 Can we allow that sensation to be present? 669 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,520 And then a lot of times there's a stored memory or a stored 670 00:34:57,520 --> 00:35:01,960 belief in, in that sensation that then we can help shift the 671 00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:05,440 body's relationship too, because we don't want to get rid of it. 672 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:09,200 Like that part of people that feel invisible, Like there was a 673 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:11,960 time where it being invisible was actually put maybe like 674 00:35:11,960 --> 00:35:15,440 saving you at some point. But then the nervous system and 675 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:18,720 the body took that as like, OK, well, it's, it's safe for us to 676 00:35:18,720 --> 00:35:21,280 always be invisible. And they like overextended its 677 00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:23,480 reach. So then it's, it's causing like 678 00:35:23,480 --> 00:35:26,720 this rift of like, well, I want to be seen, but I also like, 679 00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:28,720 there was a time I wanted to be invisible, but I wanted to be 680 00:35:28,720 --> 00:35:30,160 seen now. And now and now there's like 681 00:35:30,160 --> 00:35:33,000 this push and pull in the body and your, your body's literally 682 00:35:33,000 --> 00:35:36,720 like fighting itself essentially because it has prior experience 683 00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:40,160 where being invisible was safe, but it's also having this like 684 00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:43,240 urge to be really seen and witnessed and where you are now. 685 00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:46,760 And there's this incongruency that then we need to go in and 686 00:35:46,760 --> 00:35:49,360 help the body like renegotiate how it views it. 687 00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:51,440 So it's like, oh, we can be seen right now. 688 00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:53,920 And again, not doing too much too fast, but like taking 689 00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:56,960 moments where it was like I was really seen in that with my 690 00:35:57,040 --> 00:36:00,040 stepchildren or I was really seen with that with my partner 691 00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:03,960 or he's really hearing me. So it's almost also to not to 692 00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:06,320 get on this train, but like your, your nervous system will 693 00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:09,120 always go towards like a negativity bias. 694 00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:11,640 And so it's also being aware of like, oh, my nervous system is 695 00:36:11,640 --> 00:36:14,320 always going to look for the gap and where it's not working 696 00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:16,080 versus where it's actually working. 697 00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:20,040 So how can I look for proof that like, oh, in this instance I was 698 00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:22,880 seen, even if like these five other instances, I was ignored, 699 00:36:23,120 --> 00:36:25,280 this one instance I was seen. OK, that's proof. 700 00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:28,360 If I can take that and I can build off of that, OK, I could 701 00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:29,920 keep going. I have like another riff coming, 702 00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:33,560 but I can stop for a second. You're Stephanie. 703 00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:35,400 Wait, pause. What's your angiogram? 704 00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:37,480 Do you know? I don't know. 705 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:40,920 I don't like pegging people as their own angiogram, but I feel 706 00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:42,640 like I I figured you out a little bit. 707 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:44,760 Wait, OK, I have a question. Healing. 708 00:36:44,960 --> 00:36:47,960 I feel like a lot of people imagine healing in general as 709 00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:51,400 being like a very calming and like a healing thing. 710 00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:55,040 A quote UN quote, like it's a it's like a yoga and calm and 711 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:58,680 like, isn't it an uncomfortable and painful experience? 712 00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:00,400 Becca, stop laughing. You go. 713 00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,360 But that is, yeah. I mean, she's absolutely right 714 00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:04,520 though. When I think of that, that's 715 00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:07,440 what I I do think of that and like healing, feel like I'm 716 00:37:07,440 --> 00:37:10,120 like, you know, I don't know. I know whenever I feel like I've 717 00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:14,120 healed, it wasn't a pleasant experience like I did certain 718 00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:17,960 therapy to get past something that happened that was really, 719 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:21,560 really excruciating in my life and it was not fun. 720 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:23,560 It wasn't. I mean and. 721 00:37:23,640 --> 00:37:26,040 You guys are preaching to the choir because of my whole 722 00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:30,640 business is on doing the work. It's ugly and hard and 723 00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:33,560 uncomfortable. And there are days when it's 724 00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:36,720 like, Oh my God, why? Why do I do this? 725 00:37:36,720 --> 00:37:38,640 And then why do I make my clients do this? 726 00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:41,680 And it's the most rewarding and privileged thing in the entire 727 00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:44,840 world because then I'm not passing this ish on to my kids 728 00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,640 and they get to learn so much more. 729 00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:51,440 So, yeah, I mean, it's definitely like, I'm not going 730 00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:54,120 to give a percentage, but it's like, yeah, it can be the like 731 00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:56,680 meditating and like doing some breath work. 732 00:37:56,680 --> 00:38:00,200 But a lot of it is like sitting in the uncomfortable ish inside 733 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:03,360 your body and being able to hold it without picking up your phone 734 00:38:03,360 --> 00:38:08,520 and scrolling or bypassing it with a cupcake or insert. 735 00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:12,080 Like, you know, your favorite going in online and shopping. 736 00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:14,480 It's like, this is so incredibly uncomfortable. 737 00:38:14,480 --> 00:38:17,440 And I'm so like, even on Saturday night when I was laying 738 00:38:17,440 --> 00:38:19,920 in bed and thinking of that version of me in high school 739 00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:22,040 that failed the test, Well, like, this sucks, man. 740 00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:24,800 I just want to be asleep. But no, I'm sitting with a high 741 00:38:24,840 --> 00:38:28,960 school version of me so that I can like help move through some 742 00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:31,400 stuff that is still stuck in my system where that is coming up 743 00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:33,960 to be complete. And with that being said, and 744 00:38:33,960 --> 00:38:36,480 this is, this is actually the train that I wanted to get on, 745 00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:40,880 is that the amount, the capacity in which the I get, how do I 746 00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:42,680 want to wear this? The willingness that you are 747 00:38:42,680 --> 00:38:45,040 able to sit with the uncomfortable sensations is in a 748 00:38:45,040 --> 00:38:48,520 direct correlation to the ability to hold joy, expansion, 749 00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:53,720 fun, light happiness. So a lot of people that I work 750 00:38:53,720 --> 00:38:55,920 with, they're like here, they like feel a little bit of 751 00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:57,640 discomfort and they feel a little bit of happiness. 752 00:38:57,920 --> 00:39:01,160 But like in my personal journey, the more that I've been able to 753 00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:05,080 sit in all this uncomfortable ish that comes up for me, I am 754 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:06,680 so happy. I have so much more joy. 755 00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:09,360 I can like be more present it. I'll never forget like last 756 00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:11,080 summer I was making dinner nothing. 757 00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:13,280 And I just told you guys that was a huge activator fee that 758 00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:14,840 was like nothing to be happy about. 759 00:39:15,320 --> 00:39:17,720 And I was literally starting to like cry in my kitchen because I 760 00:39:17,720 --> 00:39:19,360 was so happy. And I was like, this is 761 00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:21,360 fascinating. It's like this expansion feeling 762 00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:23,920 in my chest and like, Oh my gosh, this is like the best 763 00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:26,000 feeling. And from that moment, I've built 764 00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:28,440 off of that because the body speaks in sensation. 765 00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:31,760 So you can't think your way out of a feeling, but you can feel 766 00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:34,760 your way into a new one. And so in the last six months or 767 00:39:34,760 --> 00:39:38,160 nine months, I've been practicing holding joy and 768 00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:40,320 happiness for longer, holding it for longer, holding it for 769 00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:44,240 longer, making it a part of like my daily, like, where did I feel 770 00:39:44,240 --> 00:39:46,360 joy today? How was this the best day ever? 771 00:39:46,360 --> 00:39:50,280 And like being able to anchor that in because the way that you 772 00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:54,520 can really shift your relationship in your home is by 773 00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:57,680 working with a sensation and slowly learning how to hold and 774 00:39:57,680 --> 00:39:59,440 move between different sensations. 775 00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:02,560 I love. Love that, love that like 776 00:40:02,560 --> 00:40:06,600 that's, it's, it makes sense because at some point though, 777 00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:09,840 we're all born with this certain ability and I think some of us 778 00:40:09,840 --> 00:40:13,160 lean into it more than others. And certain personality types 779 00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:17,040 also have abilities to like feel a little bit more. 780 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:20,560 And so I think like, my husband and I are complete polar 781 00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:22,800 opposites. And I'm like, you need to just 782 00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:24,800 feel. You need to sit in the 783 00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:27,800 uncomfortable and sit in your emotions, you know, and just to 784 00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:30,240 process even. But yeah, that's like the very 785 00:40:30,240 --> 00:40:32,000 tip of, you know, the depth of it. 786 00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:36,960 But besides that, like what is the biggest misconception about 787 00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:40,440 somatic healing besides that it's like the word healing and 788 00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:44,200 that it's like calming and it's just relieving stress or trauma? 789 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:47,960 I mean, like kind of what I said earlier of like regulation work 790 00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:50,400 and nervous or regulation and nervous system work are not the 791 00:40:50,400 --> 00:40:54,560 same thing like at all. And that like it's never done. 792 00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:57,840 Like, I mean, you can like pretend like you can pretend 793 00:40:57,840 --> 00:41:00,240 that it's never done. But like, honestly, we're going 794 00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:03,800 to spend our whole lives working through things that happen. 795 00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:07,280 I mean, I had a traumatic event happen near my house like 4 796 00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:10,400 summers ago and it's still something I'm working through. 797 00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:12,840 And I like until we potentially move. 798 00:41:12,840 --> 00:41:15,440 Like I don't know if the activation will go away until 799 00:41:15,440 --> 00:41:18,200 that's till that time. So it's like I've learned to sit 800 00:41:18,200 --> 00:41:20,880 in the uncomfortable and it'll continue to happen. 801 00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:22,880 It's, it's, it's not a one and done. 802 00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,760 And it's like once you peel back one layer, oh, there's another 803 00:41:25,760 --> 00:41:29,320 layer and then you do another. But the beauty is, is that you 804 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,160 become more of who you're meant to be along the way. 805 00:41:32,160 --> 00:41:35,040 Because I believe that many of us from an internal family 806 00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:38,720 systems lens have just put on all these masks to please all 807 00:41:38,720 --> 00:41:41,000 these people to fill all these roles. 808 00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:44,680 And when you can slowly take away the masks and come back to 809 00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:47,440 who you were always meant to be, it's really rewarding and it 810 00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:50,600 feels really fulfilling to just be who you are and love who you 811 00:41:50,600 --> 00:41:52,520 are at your core. Definitely. 812 00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:55,680 So for someone who's listening right now and they just feel 813 00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:59,560 like super overwhelmed or stuck, what would you want them to 814 00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:02,520 hear? It doesn't have to be like all 815 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,000 it all at once. Like I was just listening to a 816 00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:07,400 voice note from a friend and she's like, I feel like this is 817 00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:10,800 going to take years because it can, I mean, it can we all are 818 00:42:10,800 --> 00:42:14,240 carrying, you know, so much. And it's just honestly, it's 819 00:42:14,240 --> 00:42:16,000 new. Come back into your body and 820 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:18,880 feel the sensation. If you can do that and you can 821 00:42:18,880 --> 00:42:21,560 just slowly start to be like, OK, I feel this sensation. 822 00:42:21,560 --> 00:42:23,680 It feels like this. I'm going to breathe, get into 823 00:42:23,680 --> 00:42:27,360 it like that's huge. That's more than like 99% of the 824 00:42:27,360 --> 00:42:30,800 population right now. And then the rest will will 825 00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:32,320 come. But the more that you can just 826 00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:34,800 be like, OK, I'm feeling this. And if you aren't feeling 827 00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:36,720 anything because I do have clients coming to me like I 828 00:42:36,720 --> 00:42:39,880 don't have sensation. That's where it's an invitation 829 00:42:39,880 --> 00:42:41,800 to make. If this was a sensation, what 830 00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:44,960 could that feel like? If I, if I am just getting 831 00:42:44,960 --> 00:42:49,120 curious because again, the body is so brilliant and that when we 832 00:42:49,120 --> 00:42:51,680 move through traumatic things or when we move through really hard 833 00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:54,880 things, sometimes our brain and our body disconnect in order to 834 00:42:54,880 --> 00:42:57,880 just keep us functioning in order, just keep us surviving. 835 00:42:58,080 --> 00:43:00,280 And when that happens, it's no shame. 836 00:43:00,280 --> 00:43:01,920 It was just doing what it was supposed to do. 837 00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:04,760 But it's like, OK, if we want to build that bridge again, it's 838 00:43:04,760 --> 00:43:08,760 like, OK, If I, if I, if I could guess what the sensation of 839 00:43:08,760 --> 00:43:10,960 anger would feel like, what do I think that would feel like in my 840 00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:12,080 system? Do I think it would feel 841 00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:13,520 burning? Do I think it feel bubbly? 842 00:43:13,520 --> 00:43:16,200 Do I think it would feel hot, but it feel tight and just get 843 00:43:16,200 --> 00:43:19,760 creative. Honestly just starting to track 844 00:43:19,760 --> 00:43:22,800 sensation, looking at your sensations, the color aspects of 845 00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:25,800 it to me. Is making me laugh only because 846 00:43:25,800 --> 00:43:29,360 I, I worked in Pediatrics for a few years and when kids would 847 00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:32,680 come in and describe their pain or whatever, I would jokingly be 848 00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:34,320 like, what color is the pain? You know? 849 00:43:34,360 --> 00:43:37,640 And so I do it with my kids too, because it's a big hit that 850 00:43:37,640 --> 00:43:41,240 they'll be like my daughter said, it's purple and like, Oh 851 00:43:41,240 --> 00:43:42,920 no, it's purple. We'll have to cut it off. 852 00:43:43,280 --> 00:43:45,960 That doesn't go over well. But anyways, I'm like, I'm very 853 00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:48,200 used to figure out what color the pain is. 854 00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:51,920 But will you just give us a quick like, what does it feel 855 00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,560 like? And I know it's a forever 856 00:43:53,560 --> 00:43:57,600 process, like you're constantly trying to evolve like your 857 00:43:57,600 --> 00:43:59,800 mindset and everything that we're changing. 858 00:44:00,120 --> 00:44:05,000 But what does it feel like when a client, you know, does the 859 00:44:05,000 --> 00:44:07,320 process and does start some healing? 860 00:44:07,320 --> 00:44:10,920 And what's the? What's a good word or two to sum 861 00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:12,480 it up? I think I'd say like, it's a 862 00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:14,800 homecoming. You're just like able to like 863 00:44:14,800 --> 00:44:18,560 come back into your body and like feel at peace with who you 864 00:44:18,560 --> 00:44:20,160 are and the things you've moved through. 865 00:44:20,160 --> 00:44:23,040 And I think one of the most powerful things that we can move 866 00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:26,400 through as women as to know that we've experienced like great 867 00:44:26,400 --> 00:44:29,040 pain and great loss and great suffering. 868 00:44:29,480 --> 00:44:33,560 And through that, we've just become the more like embodied 869 00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:35,720 version of ourselves. So we were always meant to be. 870 00:44:35,760 --> 00:44:37,560 So that's what I would. I love that. 871 00:44:37,560 --> 00:44:39,240 That's beautiful. It's a homecoming. 872 00:44:39,520 --> 00:44:42,560 Well, I love having you on. I know our listeners are going 873 00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:45,960 to have a million questions and I know that there's so much more 874 00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:49,960 beyond what we talked about and there's you go into so much too 875 00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:52,640 if like workouts and everything. I don't know Becca, and I want 876 00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:53,920 to have a side chat with you about that. 877 00:44:54,320 --> 00:44:56,640 I was going to say, yeah, I want to talk to you about that. 878 00:44:56,640 --> 00:44:59,880 It's so interesting. You don't mind letting our 879 00:44:59,880 --> 00:45:04,000 listeners know you know where they can find you, what else 880 00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:07,120 you're offering? And yeah, yeah, I mean, I'm on 881 00:45:07,120 --> 00:45:11,280 Instagram, Maggie. So it's MEGGIE. 882 00:45:11,280 --> 00:45:13,920 And then under score M, under score Martin. 883 00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:16,080 There's another Maggie Martin in the world, apparently. 884 00:45:16,080 --> 00:45:18,960 And she gets real mad when she gets my we gets my stuff. 885 00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:22,920 Oh no, how dare she? I know. 886 00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:26,400 And then I'm on Facebook also, but it's strength and somatic. 887 00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:31,080 So it's my like business name and like my emails always open. 888 00:45:31,080 --> 00:45:33,320 Hello at Maggie Martin. I love questions. 889 00:45:33,320 --> 00:45:35,160 I love gigging out about the nervous system. 890 00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:37,560 It's honestly like one of my favorite things to talk about 891 00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:40,480 clearly. And you have like classes or 892 00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:42,880 like clients that you can take in. 893 00:45:42,880 --> 00:45:46,480 And you can maybe we're going to put together a code for our 894 00:45:46,480 --> 00:45:48,480 listeners. So if you heard her here, you 895 00:45:48,480 --> 00:45:51,040 can get a little bit of a discount. 896 00:45:51,920 --> 00:45:54,640 Yeah, for sure. I just want to thank you so much 897 00:45:54,640 --> 00:45:57,120 for being here today. I learned so much. 898 00:45:57,120 --> 00:46:01,440 And yeah, we'll have to do a Part 2 one day, maybe talk about 899 00:46:01,520 --> 00:46:04,800 working out and and all that good stuff and the eating 900 00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:06,400 habits. I've seen a lot about that. 901 00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:10,080 So stay tuned, stepmoms. We will see you next week. 902 00:46:10,080 --> 00:46:12,080 And thank you again, Maggie. Yeah. 903 00:46:12,160 --> 00:46:12,840 Thank you. Thank. 904 00:46:13,120 --> 00:46:14,920 You. That's it for this week on 905 00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:17,840 Stepmom Side Chats. We're Alyssa and Becca, your 906 00:46:17,840 --> 00:46:21,760 stepmom besties before you go. If something we said hit a 907 00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:25,920 little close to home, go ahead and hit Follow now so you don't 908 00:46:25,920 --> 00:46:29,120 miss future episodes and share with another stepmom to help us 909 00:46:29,120 --> 00:46:31,120 grow. If you want to connect between 910 00:46:31,120 --> 00:46:34,840 episodes, follow us on Instagram at Stepmomsidechats and send us 911 00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:36,200 what you want us to chat about next. 912 00:46:36,560 --> 00:46:38,720 Keep giving yourself grace. You're doing better than you 913 00:46:38,720 --> 00:46:40,640 think. We'll chat with you all soon.